Funny

Watch this segment of Taare Zameen Par.

Then check these Calvin & Hobbes strips.

Bless them both — Aamir and Bill.

A Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, drawn by Dadomani.

Al Donovan has created a Dilbert repository by crawling United Media’s site every day since 1996. I’ve made them a little easier to navigate. Click here to see the Dilbert Browser. Use the left and right arrow keys to see the next comic.

My all-time favourite series from Calvin and Hobbes.

(If you don’t get it, see what All your base are belong to us means)

via This is my pizza.

Google Maps directions from California to Stockhom. Google suggests a "Swim across the Atlantic Ocean". 3,462 miles. Estimated time: 29 days 0 hours

Tom Mabe likes playing pranks on telemarketers while recording the call. This is a recording of a hilarious telemarketing call.

Tom: Hello?
Mike: Yes, can I speak with Tom Mabe?
Tom: Who’s calling?
Mike: This is Mike (beep). You’ve been selected to receive a complete digital satellite system for free. With this, you’re going to…
Tom: Um, let me ask you something. Did you know Tom Mabe? Are you a friend of his?
Mike: No, I’m not. I’m just calling to…
Tom: Hold that thought… hold on one second, alright? (off phone) Hey guys, get really good pictures of the body. Yeah, dust everything down for prints. (on phone) Are you there?
Mike: Yeah.
Tom: Let me bring you up to speed. You have actually called a murder scene and Mr Mabe is no longer with us. I’m Officer Clarke. I’m conducting a homicide investigation. I want to ask you a series of questions. Firstly, what was the nature of business you had with Tom Mabe?
Mike: I, uh, had no business with him. I’m… I’m sorry to have bothered you…
Tom: No, no, no hey hold on look, I want to ask you to stay on the phone. This call has already been traced and we may need to you to come here for further questioning. This …
Mike: You see, you don’t understand. I’m just calling …
Tom: No, no, look, you don’t understand. Unless you want to be charged with obstruction of justice it’s imperative to keep your ass on the phone, Mike.
Mike: Or, how about you just talk to my supervisor then?
Tom: No no no no we’ll get to your supervisor in a second. Now, give me your whereabouts.
Mike: I’m at work.
Tom: You’re at work?
Mike: Yes.
Tom: You being a smartass?
Mike: No, sir.
Tom: Let me put it to you this way, Mike. Say I want to mail your ass a letter. What would I have to write on the outside of that envelope to ensure that the mailman will deliver it right to your ass? Geographically speaking, Mike, where is work?
Mike: 40 West (beep), Middleton, Colorado.
Tom: Hold on, that’s 40 …
Mike: Yes sir.
Tom: Michael, hold on one sec, alright?
Mike: Yes sir.
Tom: (off phone) Get the Middleton homicide department on the phone. Yeah, give them this information. Tell them there been a talk in connection with a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery. (on phone) Mike, how did you know Mr. Mabe again?
Mike: Wait, you’re calling the Middleton police department? I’m hundreds of miles away! I don’t even know the guy… I’m in Colorado!
Tom: No, no, it’s not that scary… that’s just a formality. Tell me, have you been to any place other than work, then?
Mike: No!
Tom: OK, and tell me again what, where were you last night for twenty hours after eight and ten?
Mike: I’m not feeling really comfortable with any of this.
Tom: Have you even ever spoken to Mr. Mabe, Mike?
Mike: No I haven’t. I don’t even know the guy. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
Tom: OK, very good, calm down, calm down, look, I’ve got one more question for you, Mike. As you well know, I’m sure, Mr. Mabe was a flaming homosexual. There’s no easy way of asking this, I don’t want to embarrass you or nothin’, but, were you his gay lover?
Mike: What!? No… what kind of a question is that?
Tom: (you just have to hear what he says!)

From Lewis Caroll’s Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. These are the quotes I found most… how shall I put it… eye-opening. Paradigm-shifting.

“..the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury found it advisable-”
“Found WHAT?” said the Duck.
“Found IT,” the Mouse replied rather crossly. “Of course you know what ‘it’ means.”
“I know what ‘it’ means well enough, when I find a thing,” said the Duck: “it’s generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?”

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where-” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“-so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

“To begin with,” said the Cat, “a dog’s not mad. Do you grant that?”
“I suppose so,” said Alice.
“Well, then,” the Cat went on, “you see a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags it’s tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

“I can’t believe THAT!” said Alice.
“Can’t you?” said the Queen in a pitying tone. “Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”
Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said, “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!”

“I can’t remember things before they happen.”
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,” the Queen remarked.

“Well, in our country,” said Alice, still panting a little, “you’d generally get to somewhere else – if you ran fast for a long time as we’ve been doing.”
“A slow sort of country!” said the Queen. “Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running YOU can do, to keep you in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you CAN make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is”, said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that’s all.”

“Fan her head!” the Red Queen anxiously interrupted. “She’ll be feverish after so much thinking.”

“Five nights are warmer than one night, then?” Alice ventured to ask.
“Five times as warm, of course.”
“But they should also be five times as cold, by the same rule – “
“Just so!” cried the Red Queen. “Five times as warm, AND five times as cold – just as I’m five times as rich as you are, AND five times as clever!”

Video of Guy Kawasaki’s talk on The Art of the Start at TiECon 2006.

It’s informative, even if you don’t want to start a venture, but I didn’t know Guy was such a funny speaker! He begins with:

Early in my career, I sat through many keynote speeches — at Comdex, at Mac Road Expo. I saw many many hi-tech CEOs speak, and I have to tell you, one thing I noticed is they pretty much sucked as speakers. And the second thing that I figured out sitting in these audiences of sucky keynotes is that if there’s anything that’s worse than a CEO who sucks as a speaker, it’s a CEO who sucks as a speaker and you have no idea how much longer he or she will suck! And so, I have adopted the top 10 format for all of my speeches. This way, if you think I suck, at least you can track progress through my speech.

Towards then end, when he’s run well over time…

What are you going to do? Not invite me again?

He gets dragged off the stage.