id	quote
19890416	Door: Dilbert's lab. Dilbert: I've decided we should operate along more classic lines, like Dr. Frankenstein's lab. You know what this makes you? Dogbert: I've got a hunch... Dilbert: Let's practice... Dogbert, fetch me a brain! Dogbert: Like your present model, or one that works? 
19890420	Dilbert: I'm really nervous about this presentation for the big boss. Got any tips for me? Dogbert: Remember to bring a bunch of coins to jangle self-consciously in your pockets. ...Avoid eye contact and don't pause to explain acronyms. Dilbert: I wish I could tell when you're kidding. 
19890421	Dilbert: My new invention screens out all unpleasant sights. Try it. Well, what do you think? Dogbert: Who said that? Dilbert: The hand that used to feed you. 
19890425	Dilbert: I thought I had this tuxedo thing figured out. But what the heck is this? Dogbert: Oh, that's the kumberbuzle. You wear it on your head like a sweatband. Then you clip your pens and pencils to the kumberbuzle. Dilbert: Ah, that explains why the shirt has no pocket. 
19890427	Dilbert: HOO-HOO-HEE-HA!...No, that's not it. Do you suppose other people practice laughing when they're alone. Dogbert: Of course. Time for your sneezing drill. Dilbert: Other people make it sound so natural. 
19890501	Phil: Oh good, the last stop of the day. Mailbox: Dilbert. Phil: Freeze, mortal! Let me see the expiration date on that milk! Dilbert: I can go to hell for drinking old milk?! Phil: Nah. I'm from "heck." We handle the little stuff. 
19890505	Dogbert: I think you should see a lawyer before unleashing this new invention on mankind. Caption: Later... Dilbert: ...I'm afraid my new invention will expose me to lots of lawsuits. Will you advise me? Lawyer: No. Sounds to me like I can make more money by suing you. 
19890506	Dilbert: Gee, how could anybody be opposed to building more roads? Every time I see highway construction... ...Some protester has already put up a sign. Sign: End construction. 
19890508	Alien 1: Uh...Excuse me, Earth dog. We have traveled from a distant planet to find out why Earth dogs are forced to eat from dirty little bowls while humans use plates. Dogbert: Well, basically, it's political. It all began after the unsuccessful poodle rebellion in France, around 1723... Alien 2: Better use a pencil... 
19890510	Monitor: Chapter IV. "Time management." "Always postpone meetings with time-wasting morons." Dilbert: How do you do that? Dogbert: Can I get back to you on that? 
19890511	Salesman: Welcome to Electrode Hut. I'm half your age, and I know more about electronics than you ever will. May I help you? Dilbert: Yes. I would like a half-dozen niad pulse converters and an anza brush. Or am I bluffing? Salesman: This guy is GOOD. 
19890513	Dilbert: It's so awkward to walk past strangers in hallways; You always gotta avoid eye contact. I know - I'll wait until we're near and then pick up that little piece of fuzz on the carpet there. ...Then we both went for the carpet fuzz. Dogbert: Smooth. 
19890515	Dilbert: Well? What do you think of my new poem? Dogbert: I once read that given infinite time, a thousand monkeys with typewriters would eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare. Dilbert: But what about MY poem? Dogbert: Three monkeys, ten minutes. 
19890517	Dilbert: Notice anything different, Dogbert? Dogbert: Uh... Dilbert: I'm wearing THREE pens, not just two. Dogbert: That's a pretty bold fashion statement. Dilbert: I guess I was out of control. 
19890518	(Rrrr.) (POW!) Dogbert: Regrettably, you violated my air space. 
19890520	Dilbert: Alice brought her new baby to the office today. What are you supposed to say when somebody shows you a baby? Dogbert: "Precious" usually works. Dilbert: Judging from the reaction, "bug-ugly" wasn't what she was looking for. 
19890522	Dilbert: Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad for Doctor Dogbert's seminar on developing self-confidence. Okay, what's the scam? Dogbert: I figured this would be a good way to find a bunch of meek people to do my bidding. If they refuse, I'll yell at them and hurt their little feelings. Then I'll leverage that power into vast wealth or maybe world domination. Dilbert: No! Bad doggy! 
19890523	Dilbert: I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. But he told me I was boring and he ran away. Dogbert: There are times when no snide comment seems adequate. 
19890526	Dilbert: I hate this: Somebody is just far enough behind me that it would be awkward to hold the door, but rude to let it swing. I'll just pick the pace and act like I didn't notice anybody behind me. (WUMP!) Doors at the tops of stairs are the worst. (AAAAGH!! Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thump.) 
19890527	Dilbert: What do you think about this new Soviet policy of openness? Paper: News. Dogbert: Actually, I'm not even sure that Gorbachev exists. Guess I'm just kinda "Glasnostic." Dilbert: I shouldn't let you drink coffee. Paper: News. 
19890530	Dilbert: Do you like my new clip-on necktie? Dogbert: It's very nice. Good colors. Nice pattern. Why, with a tie like that, DON'T be surprised if you get an offer to pose for GQ MAGAZINE! Dilbert: I think you crossed that fine line between polite lying and outright sarcasm. Dogbert: The momentum carried me. 
19890601	Dogbert: You know, dogs can sense earthquakes before they happen. Here comes one now. This has potential to keep me entertained for weeks. 
19890602	Dogbert: Sometimes I think the brain holds great powers waiting to be discovered. It's almost as if I can make this ball levitate with pure mind power. Mmmmmmm. Dang. Nothing. Dilbert: Whump. 
19890606	Dilbert: Admit it: You don't think I'm manly enough to take sky diving lessons, do you? Dogbert: That never crossed my mind. Dilbert: Good. Dogbert: However, it did occur to me that you could be the first sky diver to grab his necktie instead of the ripcord and choke himself to death on the way down. 
19890612	Dilbert: Wow! This survey says that a woman over 35 has the same odds of getting married as being killed by a terrorist. Dogbert: Of the ones who do get married, how many marry terrorists? Dilbert: One in four. Dogbert: Gosh. 
19890613	Dilbert: Did you ever notice that people walk a little differently when other people are watching? Dogbert: No, never. Dilbert: Don't you need to go anywhere? Dogbert: After you, banjo legs. 
19890614	Caption: Pun wars: how they start. Dilbert: I'm feeling a little hoarse? Dogbert: Horse? Caption: Escalation is inevitable. Dogbert: Maybe you got a colt. Dilbert: I need some cough stirrup. Dogbert: Are you gelding a fever? Dilbert: It's mare-ly a sore throat. Dogbert: Hope you filly better. Dilbert: Uh... Caption: In the end, nobody wins. Dilbert: You're ugly! Dogbert: I win. 
19890619	Dogbert: We're out of flour. Dilbert: I know. Dogbert: And did you know that the bag of white powder in your lab looks just like flour? Dilbert: Uh... Dogbert: And you know how huge, mutated cupcakes will occasionally eat the neighbor's Chevy? Dilbert: This better be a bad analogy. 
19890621	Letter: "Single, dumpy and dull male seeks young and beautiful woman for romance." Dilbert: The key to writing a successful "personals" ad is honesty...complete and total honesty. Dogbert: What species are you targeting? 
19890622	Dilbert: Ooh boy! Looks like another one of those flying dreams I keep having. This is great! I just hope I don't crash and wake up this time. Zzzz. Dogbert: Houston, we are experiencing difficulty. 
19890623	Dilbert: I knew I shouldn't have left the laundry in the washer all night. Dogbert: I'll get a chisel. Dilbert: It seems to have coagulated into a grotesque dried-up-fiber-donut-sculpture kind-of-a-thing. I think this is a sleeve of my sport coat. Dogbert: Do you want that in a size 38? 
19890627	GrimReaper: Gilbert, your time has come. Dilbert: Gilbert?! My name is DILBERT! You have the wrong guy! GrimReaper: Oops! Sorry. Mind if I just wait around until your number comes up? 
19890630	Dilbert: There...My program proves that pretty women have extremely bad personalities. This is based on the input that pretty women are never nice to me. Dogbert: Why does the screen say, "or you are a geek"? Dilbert: Darn! I thought I fixed that bug. 
19890701	Dogbert: There...perfect. Dilbert: What's that, Dogbert? Dogbert: I've created the velcro shirt pocket! It attaches to your chest hairs while swimming or showering. Dilbert: Hmm...might work. Dogbert: You may also be interested in my new velcro chest hair. 
19890703	Dilbert: Are you sure you don't want to join the neighborhood watch group? Dogbert: This is ridiculous. You all know that every single crime in this neighborhood was committed by one guy: Bad Ed. Dilbert: We can't actually prove that. Dogbert: I'm just saying maybe you shouldn't have elected him group leader. 
19890706	Dilbert: If I stay with my company for ten years, I get a watch and lunch with my boss. Dogbert: What do you get for twenty years? Dilbert: Lunch without my boss. 
19890707	Dogbert: How's your new "stealth" cloaking invention coming along? Can't find it, huh? Dilbert: Shaddup. 
19890708	Dilbert: I'm looking for a fine wool suit, in the $700 range. Something fashionable yet timeless. Salesman: Try this $35 nylon beauty, suitable for swimming or dining out. The bell bottoms are no extra charge. Dilbert: Wow! I guess I was just born to be a fashion pioneer. 
19890710	Dilbert: ...And nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses. Dogbert: Really? Dilbert: That's why blind people often develop great hearing. Dogbert: I guess that also explains why stupid people have big mouths. 
19890712	Dogbert: Look! I've created the world's first completely reusable newspaper. Dilbert: Pope denounces violence...Home prices rise...Unrest in the Mideast... Dogbert: Generic news! Dilbert: How much? Dogbert: A thousand bucks. You'll never need another one. 
19890713	Dilbert: I asked Debbie for a date, but she said she was feeling antisocial tonight. Then I asked Laura, but she said she was feeling antisocial, too...So Debbie and Laura decided to go to the movies with each other. Dogbert: Those antisocial people always seem to hang out together. Dilbert: Yeah... 
19890717	Dilbert: My computer simulation will determine, once and for all, the real reason dinosaurs became extinct. Wait...According to this, it would be almost impossible for ALL dinosaurs to be extinct. Dogbert: Then they must just be... Both: ...Hiding. Bob: Yeah? Just try to find us. Dawn: Shhhh! 
19890719	Bob: Hey...You were right. Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I'm Bob. She's Dawn. We were hiding in your house. Dilbert: Only one kind of dinosaur could hide that well... Dawn: Correct: a nobodysaurus. 
19890728	Dilbert: I do NOT snore. And I do NOT believe you made this recording of me last night. Recorder: Eeowaha-mmph-grzlawa. Dilbert: In fact, this tape box says "National Geographic's songs of the whale." Recorder: Eoowaha geowmzla. Dogbert: So, you admit that even National Geographic can't tell the difference between your snoring and a twenty-ton kelp-scarfing mammal. 
19890729	Dogbert: I'm having nightmares. Move over. Dilbert: Just don't hog all the covers. At least give me my pajama top... Dogbert: Shhh... 
19890731	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to meet Mr. Snow -- your new boss. Dilbert: Hello, Mr. Snow. Neal: Neal, please. That's my NAME: "Neal." Dilbert: Uh...contact lens... 
19890801	Dogbert: So when your new boss said his name was "Neal", you thought he meant k-n-e-e-l...so you... Dilbert: Yes... Dogbert: HA HA HA!! HA HA HA HA!! HA HA HA!! HA HA!! Dilbert: Thank you for understanding. Dogbert: Boy it's a good thing his name isn't something like "Eatachair." 
19890802	Signs: Scaparotti's restaurant / Open / No pets. Dilbert: Just try to act human. Two ravioli supremes and garlic bread. Dogbert: And a cat... Dilbert: That's "catsup," my friend would like some CATSUP. Dogbert: Maybe something Siamese... Sign: No pets. 
19890805	Caption: Dilbert demonstrates the art of joke telling. Dilbert: ...So the first guy orders a beer and a cactus... Caption: A good joke teller will seek to establish a pattern. Dilbert: ...Then the second guy...heh, heh...orders a beer and a cactus... Caption: Tomorrow's lesson: timing. Dilbert: ...So then the seventy-third guy comes in... Dogbert: Zzzzz. 
19890808	Dogbert: Please read these brochures. It could save your life. Dilbert: "Electronics anonymous"? Dogbert: Let's take the enclosed quiz. Number one: How many options do you have on your toaster? Dilbert: Does that include the toaster disk drive and printer? Dogbert: I think we can skip directly to the emergency application form. 
19890812	Dilbert: Sometimes I get this wicked urge to take two newspapers and only pay for one. What's the worst that can happen? Besides, this machine ate my money last time. Paper: News. THIEF! 
19890814	Dilbert: This book says the best time to pick up women is while walking a dog. Dogbert: Let's try it. YO! BABY! WHOA WHOA! SHAKE IT, DON'T BREAK IT! COME AND GET YOUR SINGLE MALE!! Dilbert: I think this method is overrated. Dogbert: FORM ONE LINE! NO PUSHING! 
19890815	Television: And in national news... Critics today accused the management of Megaslime Corporation of being hideous reptilian aliens bent on enslaving the Earth. A spokesman for the company denied the charge. Dilbert: Whew! 
19890816	Radio: Critics continued their accusations that the management of Megaslime Corporation is made up of reptilian aliens from another planet. A company spokesman offered to eat a bug and not enjoy it, thus proving they are not reptilian. Critics responded by insisting on a live gerbil instead of a bug. Merv Griffin announced that he would launch a new game show based on the concept. Dogbert: The man is a visionary. 
19890817	Dogbert: If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of antipasto... ...Would they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry? Dilbert: I can't imagine Socrates and Plato debating that question. Dogbert: Too hard, huh? 
19890821	Dilbert: What are you writing? Dogbert: It's my new self-help book for compulsive shoppers. (Click click click.) Dilbert: What to YOU know about compulsive shoppers? Dogbert: I know they buy a lot of books. 
19890826	Dilbert: According to Einstein, time slows down as you approach the speed of light. Dogbert: Didn't he also prove that time flies when you're having fun? So, if you walk slower, do you have more fun or just get more light? Were we finished here? 
19890828	Dilbert: I don't understand how you can become a certified swami by mail in three weeks. Dogbert: Oh, I'm just a trainee. In the beginning you just keep it general, to build the trust of your clientele. Eventually, you will die... 
19890830	Dilbert: Oh, please, please, please... Yay! It's here! Nothing quite matches the thrill of the "toast of the month" club. 
19890831	Signs: Wally's Laundry / Shirts $1.25. Wally: We accidentally ruined your shirts - So we added a little glue and wrapped them around a stick. Dogbert: Granted, it was good initiative, but in my view, it was not a tipping situation. 
19890904	Dogbert: You're just in time to taste my new cake. Dilbert: Yum. Great cake, but shouldn't it have frosting? Mmm... Dogbert: Oh no! Frosting is very bad for you. Dilbert: Gee, I never knew that frosting was bad for me. Dogbert: That's why I licked it all off. 
19890905	Dilbert: Oh no, not this cashier again. She always hands back my change right over my soda. I just know she's trying to make me drop a dime in my drink. No! No! No! Cashier: Fake left... Dilbert: It's not the coins in the soda that get me; It's that darned celebration dance she does. 
19890906	Marketer: So, Dilbert, this is the prototype you've been working on for the last six months? Dilbert: Yes, sir. I'm proud to say that this baby can transform worthless pocket lint into a valuable parsley substitute! Marketer: Well, this looks absolutely brilliant and completely unmarketable. Dilbert: Thanks. I'm technology driven. 
19890910	Dilbert: You've been reading that world almanac for hours. Dogbert: I'm looking for nations I can conquer on a limited budget. Here's one: "Andorra. 185 square miles. Only 56,000 people. Joint rule by France and Spain..." Hmm..."King Dogbert of Andorra" has a nice ring to it. Now I just need some mercenaries. Dilbert: How are you going to pay for mercenaries? Dogbert: I'll float some junk bonds until we can loot the treasury of Andorra. Dilbert: It strikes me as a bit unethical. Dogbert: Apparently I'll have to imprison some dissidents. 
19890912	Dogbert: Whoa! Looks like we got a pippin hawk, a prickly beak mud swallow, and a bald eagle. Dilbert: Robin. How is it that you have spotted 1,700 exotic birds this morning and all I have see is one robin? Dogbert: Look! A monkey-faced disco hawk!! Dilbert: Where?! 
19890913	Dogbert: To his horror, Dilbert discovers that all of his white socks have holes. "My goodness!" he cries, "I shall be forced to wear black socks to work!" If only my pants reached the tops of my shoes, then the other engineers might not notice," Dilbert despaired. Dilbert: What are you writing? Dogbert: It's a "geek" tragedy. 
19890915	Dilbert: Oh, carp. This is the third time today that I will walk by this same guy in the hall. I barely know him. This is so awkward. The first time, I said "hello." The second time we both made those closed-mouth grins and arched our eyebrows. What do I do the third time? ...So I pulled the fire alarm. Dogbert: I don't think Miss Manners is gonna back you on this one. 
19890916	Dogbert: Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move? Dilbert: No. Dogbert: Me neither. 
19890921	Manager: Well, Dilbert, you seem qualified for this promotion, but I have one concern. Since your work would be evaluated by many people... Can you handle criticism? Dilbert: Oh, easily. For example, your toupee looks like a mule-stomped gopher... ...Turns out it was a trick question. Dogbert: Boy, you can't trust those bald guys. 
19890922	Dilbert: Hey, Dogbert, you want to go camping this weekend? Dogbert: Why don't we just sleep in the garage, eat bugs and not take showers. Dilbert: That is COMPLETELY different from camping, for reasons which will come to me. Dogbert: Because we might not get lost? 
19890929	Dilbert: ...But I wasn't always a conservative engineer-type. I was quite the little rebel when I was a kid. Caption: Flashback. Dilbert: Potato salad again? I've GOT to speak out on this issue. 
19890930	Dogbert: I should keep myself busier. Time flies when you're busy... Which means you die sooner. I'd better sit right here. 
19891012	Dilbert: Care to join me for a walk? Dogbert: Sure. I hope you aren't planning to chew that gum at the same time. Dilbert: Very funny. Boy! This is a lot harder than you would think. Dogbert: Rrrr. 
19891013	Dilbert: There...I've plotted Jenny Dworkin's normal speed, habits and tendencies into my computer. Now I'll be able to predict her location and bump into her as if by coincidence. Dogbert: Why don't you just call her, say you like her and ask her out? Dilbert: No, that would seem too contrived. 
19891016	Dilbert: You what?! Ethel: I spent all of your money. Terribly sorry. Sign: Bank of Ethel. Dilbert: This is outrageous! How can you spend all of MY money?!! Ethel: Oh, Mr. Moneybags. Like it was SO MUCH. Dilbert: Oooh! I am ACTIVELY considering taking my business elsewhere! Ethel: Are you making a deposit or just wasting my time? Sign: Bank of Ethel. 
19891021	Dilbert: You know what I hate? Dogbert: What? Dilbert: I hate it when hundreds of people get together and throw a surprise birthday party for me. Dogbert: It's amazing how nature protects us from the things we hate. 
19891024	Dogbert: Maybe I should write a book. Nah...Maybe I should just read a book. Maybe I'll just read the TV guide...Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding... 
19891025	Dilbert: Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body, hoping nobody notices. It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen. I'll bet women never feel that way. Woman: Cooties. 
19891026	Grocer: Hold it right there, fella! Dilbert: Uh-oh...You must have seen me eat that grape in aisle "B." Grocer: I just want to make sure you pay for it. Looks like 192 pounds. What were you before you came in? Dilbert: Happy. 
19891029	Dilbert: They were rude to me at the bank again, Dogbert. I've had enough...Sic 'em, boy!! Signs: 6 month CDs 3% / Open. Dogbert: Hi. I'm David Packard; billionaire founder of Hewlett-Packard. ...And I'd like to put all of my money into one of your non-interest bearing accounts. Ethel: You're nod David Packard. You're just a dreadful little dog with glasses. Then again...I've never seen a picture of David Packard...I'd better open the account. Dogbert: Very good. Now give me fifty push-ups or I'll take my business elsewhere. 
19891101	Television: Tonight Siskel and Ebert review Dilbert's life. ...Boring and stupid...Look out, Gene; I'm gonna have to spit to get the taste out of my mouth... Oops. Sorry, Gene. Dilbert: I hate it when they do these theme shows. (Click.) 
19891107	Bully: Yo, Dilbert, give me your lunch money or I'll erase your data diskettes. Dilbert: Touch my data and I'll erase my mention of you from the main payroll computer. Bully: No...Please, I'm sorry. Dilbert: Nothing is more pathetic than an aging school bully. Bully: I took shop; I can make you some nice bookends. 
19891109	Dilbert: I wish this guy wouldn't try to be polite and hold the door. I'm at this awkward distance where I should lunge forward so he doesn't have to hold the door too long. Oh, thank you. Man: Great. Now I'm late. Dilbert: I lunged as fast as I could. Sorry. 
19891110	Man: Hey, how are you? What's happenin'? Good to see you. I'm fine. Great, great. Take care. Dilbert: I guess there was no real need for me to participate in that. 
19891111	Dilbert: All of us cosmopolitan guys use credit cards to pay for dinner. Uh-oh...I never know which part of the paperwork to keep. I know something gets ripped up... ...And by the time I noticed the tablecloth was tangled up with the carbon paper, I had ripped both of them to bits. Dogbert: And that's wrong? 
19891116	Dilbert: Uh-oh...double doors...One side is always locked and I make a fool of myself trying to open it. Which side is it? Left? Right? People are watching. Think, think... That's when I noticed that the ventilation ducts were big enough for a human to crawl through. Dogbert: Too bad they didn't lead outside. 
19891122	Dilbert: YIKES! What are you?! Ego: Do not panic. I am your ego. Dilbert: My ego??...Shouldn't you be inside me someplace? Ego: Well, yes, normally we egos feed within the body. Dilbert: So what the heck are you doing out here? Ego: You're starving me, man. I'm going to try out for a play or something. 
19891202	Executive: Well, Dilbert, will our idea work from a technical perspective? Dilbert: I wasn't listening...Now I'll have to babble about irrelevant technical things until they lose consciousness. And in conclusion, never underestimate the power of technology. Executives: Zzz, zzz, zzz. 
19891205	Garbageman: Pardon me, sir, but I couldn't help noticing these equations in your garbage. I took the liberty of correcting a few quantum calculations. Dilbert: Gosh, why are you a garbage man? Garbageman: I think the question is "Why are YOU an engineer?" 
19891218	Dilbert: That's right...cough - cough!...I won't be in to work...Cough - wheeze - cough... Bad cold? Well no, actually I have a bad headache... But I don't know how to make a headache sound over the phone. 
19891220	Dilbert: I'm afraid I'll never figure out how to make my invention work. Dogbert: You are too logical. Use the right side of your brain. Dilbert: Hmm...Yes, I must call on my creative side... Now it doesn't work AND I want to cry. 
19891225	Sign: Free hypnosis lessons! Dilbert: Hmm... There's probably some catch, but it's worth a look. ...A wonderful class...I must tell my friends. 
19891229	Dilbert: I was rewarded today for perfect attendance at work. Dogbert: What do you get? Dilbert: A day off with pay. Dogbert: It's a miracle your species has survived this long. 
19900101	Dogbert: I'm grumpy today, so don't even try to talk to me. Paper: News. Dogbert: And don't try to flatter me or give me chocolate cake to make me feel better. Dilbert: And I guess I shouldn't scratch you behind the ears until you have little leg spasms. Dogbert: Right. None of that. 
19900106	Dilbert: Do you have something for a headache? Pharmacist: I'm pretty sure this will do the trick. Dilbert: Thanks. Pharmacist: I wonder if he meant something to GET RID of a headache? Nah... 
19900108	Dogbert: I've got to get out of this bad mood somehow. I'll have to find somebody innocent to blame...And make him plead for my forgiveness. Dilbert: Hi, Dogbert. Dogbert: Is that some kind of an insult? 
19900109	Dogbert: I can feel the static electricity building. (Shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle.) (Shuffle shuffle.) (Shuffle shuffle.) Dilbert: I most certainly will NOT call you "Thor, dog of thunder." Dogbert: Prepare to die. 
19900112	Tester: I'm sorry, but it seems you've failed the written portion of the dog license test. Dogbert: Impossible! Tester: For example, this question on "natural enemies": The correct answer is "mailman." You wrote-in "fax machine." Dilbert: How'd it go? Dogbert: The "department of dogs" does not keep up with emerging trends. 
19900113	Dilbert: I think it's my fuel pump. Mechanic: Your what? Dilbert: What I mean is I think it's my @*!#* fuel pump. Mechanic: Well, why didn't you just #$@* say so? Dilbert: Sorry...I forgot where I was. 
19900116	Dilbert: Can't I talk you out of becoming a substitute teacher? Dogbert: Don't worry. I won't damage the little tykes. Caption: Day one. Dogbert: Good morning, children. I'm Mr. Dogbert. Children: Are you flammable? 
19900123	Doctor: Normally I'd give you six months to live. But we're having a "50% off sale" today, so I'll give you a full year for the same price. And you get an extra ten days if you pay cash! 
19900125	Doctor: It seems we had a mix-up with your test results. Dilbert: Then I'm not dying? Doctor: We doctors are amazingly smart, but occasionally we make a little error. Dilbert: Well...I understand. Doctor: By the way, your pap smear was normal. 
19900126	Dogbert: By my calculations, we can make millions by combining a mortuary business and a garbage collection business. Our customers could simply leave the dearly departed by the curb for pick-up. Dilbert: Maybe we could add pizza delivery, too. Dogbert: Let's not push a good idea too far. 
19900128	Dogbert: Ha ha ha! My scheme to conquer Earth is right on track! I've been approved for a Macy's credit card! I'll use this credit history to apply for Visa and Mastercard. Soon I'll have credit cards from every bank in the world. Then I'll do a cash advance on every card, netting billions to form a world-wide lottery prize. And everybody who supports me as supreme ruler of Earth gets one free lottery ticket. Dilbert: You know, most dogs would be delighted just to get a nice chew-toy. 
19900129	Dogbert: I've decided to write down all of the so-called "unwritten rules." So far I have "don't phone after ten p.m." and...uh... Dilbert: That's it? Dogbert: How about "don't throw porcupines in a balloon store"? 
19900201	Dogbert: According to my research, dogs are exempt from human laws. The great part is that I can commit any crime and my owner will be held fully responsible. I'm hoping you won't take a selfish view about this. 
19900202	Woman: Thanks for asking me out. Would you like to see my operating manual? Dilbert: Operating manual? Woman: It's an aid to men. It covers everything from "buying flowers" to "opening doors." Dilbert: Looks like you're due to have your jewelry rotated. Woman: Every thirty days. Saves money in the long run. 
19900205	Dilbert: Ugh...What time is it?...Where am I?...Who am I? Must be morning...Is this a work day? Do I have a job?...Is it worth getting up for? "Morning amnesia": Nature's way of keeping you from waking up screaming. 
19900209	Caption: Dogbert performs a scientific test of so-called "women's intuition." Dogbert: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Woman: 5.1362894...No, I'll say three. Dogbert: Wrong! The answer is 5.1362894...I'm beginning to wonder if you're really a woman. 
19900214	Caption: Dogbert meets the Soviet-exchange program dog. Dogbert: He seems harmless. Dorgy: Greetings, comrade Dogbert. I have come to learn capitalist system from dog's perspective. ...And your god is this Donald Trump? Dogbert: I don't think it's official yet. 
19900215	Dogbert: You see, Dorgy, under our capitalist system anybody can become rich. Dorgy: How? Dogbert: Inheritance and crime are the most popular methods. Dorgy: Which is preferred method? Dogbert: It's best to have your parents do the crime and let you inherit it. 
19900216	Dilbert: Dorgy, why are you dressed like a maid? Dorgy: Dogbert is teaching me capitalism. Today I am lowly maid. But with hard work I will be promoted to job as major industrialist. Right? Apparently there is a flaw in the system. Dogbert: Yeah, but we blame it on the Japanese. 
19900217	Dilbert: The great thing about dogs is their loyalty. Dogbert: I flushed all of your sweaters down the john, because it was fun. Dilbert: Dogs are honest, too. Dogbert: And I'll do it again. HA HA HA! 
19900219	Dilbert: Hello, is this the library reference desk? Phone: Yes. Dilbert: What's the average running speed of the Tazmanian Boola-Boola dog? Phone: 8.3 miles per hour. Dilbert: I can't believe she new that. Phone: And you have something stuck in your teeth. 
19900220	Dilbert: I've got a blind date with the lady who works at the library reference desk. Dogbert: What if she's ugly? Dilbert: Looks aren't important. She sounded very smart over the phone, and I'm attracted to intelligent women. Dogbert: Oh...right. Dilbert: Uh...Should I talk, or will you be reading my thoughts directly. 
19900301	Dilbert: Here's a picture of my uncle just before he was drafted. He was awarded eleven purple hearts. Dogbert: He was wounded eleven times?! Dilbert: Uncle William insisted that his friends call him "Will"... Commander: OKAY, MEN, FIRE AT WILL!! 
19900302	Dilbert: Hello? Telephone: This is your bank. We're having trouble meeting payroll...Could you come down and make some deposits right away? Dilbert: Will you take a check? Telephone: From YOU? 
19900303	Dilbert: "Urgent memo to all employees:" Uh-oh. Looks important. "If we are to remain competitive, you must proactively improve quality on all actionable items!" Wow! That was inspiring. My heart is pounding. I'm all tingly...I'd better take the rest of the day off... 
19900305	Dilbert: Look what I won, Dogbert! It's a trophy for perfect attendance! Since YOU've never won a trophy, I thought you might get some vicarious joy by dusting and waxing MY trophy every day. Here. I hope that trophy doesn't go to my head. 
19900307	Dogbert: Sometimes I think gravity is only an illusion. Maybe other great thinkers realized gravity is mental and were this freed of its restrictions. Which could explain why all the smart people have apparently been flung into space. Dilbert: It's time for "Wheel Of Fortune." 
19900308	Dilbert: I can tell what my date is thinking by her body language. Her body is telling me "let's cuddle by a fireplace..." "I'll get some firewood," she says. Chainsaw: VROOOOM. 
19900310	Vernon: Yo! Dilbert and Dogbert! Dilbert: Oh no...Hi, Vernon. The most boring person I know...Gotta get out of here but I'm too polite. Vernon: Did I ever tell you about my favorite episode of "Kojak"? Dogbert: Whoa! Vern, we gotta go before you turn our brains into tapioca! Dilbert: There's always the direct method. 
19900312	Dilbert: Riding elevators is so awkward. Start straight ahead...Don't breathe...Don't fidget...Don't blink...Arms hang like limp weights... Woman: I think he's dead. Dilbert: Above all, act naturally. 
19900319	Sign: Happy Airline. Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but you've been "bumped." Dilbert: WHAT?! I've got a ticket! I demand satisfaction! I'll call the president of your stupid company!! I wonder if there's really such a thing as the "duct tape section." 
19900322	Caption: Dilbert greets his blind date. Dilbert: This is the biggest woman I've ever seen. Um...hi. I have only one chance of financially surviving dinner. Say...why don't we go to the "all-you-can-eat house of starch and pasta"? Woman: Can't...Banned for life. 
19900326	Artist: Excuse me...Sir? I'm trying to paint this view. Would you mind not walking right in front of me? Dilbert: Oops. Sorry. Artist: It's already too late. 
19900327	Dilbert: Remember, one of your duties is to guard the house. That might entail ripping intruders to bits with your teeth...or taking a bullet for me. Dogbert: Boy, all that and I get to drink out of the toilet too. 
19900328	Dilbert: I've got to make the engineering newsletter more interesting. It needs pathos and human drama. "How to cope with the loss of loved data..." Dogbert: Wait...I better get some tissues. 
19900329	Dilbert: When I was a kid I threw spitballs at girls to show I liked them. Now I just grovel and beg for dates. Frankly, the old way was more satisfying. 
19900331	Woman: What I look for first in a man is honesty. Dilbert: Okay...I'd like to skip this boring conversation and go smooch. Woman: I didn't mean honesty about relevant things. 
19900402	Dilbert: Did you hear that the tiny east European country of Elbonia has abandoned communism? Dogbert: Whoa! Big changes ahead. Caption: Elbonia: Monday. Sign: Mud farm. Caption: Elbonia: Tuesday. Signs: My mud farm / My tree / My pig / My feet. 
19900403	Boss: Dilbert, I'm sending you to Elbonia to open our new subsidiary. Dilbert: Elbonia? But they only renounced communism last week!! They don't understand capitalism or economics. They have no appreciation of the real world. ...He thinks they'll make fine engineers. 
19900404	Caption: Dilbert arrives at the ex-communist country of Elbonia. Dilbert: I need a flight to your capital. For a moment I was worried that this backward little country wouldn't have a commuter flight. Elbonian: I hate living near the airport. 
19900405	Caption: Dilbert takes a slingshot ride to Elbonia's capital. Dilbert: There it is... (SPLUNK.) It's a good thing this whole country is made of mud. I have come to teach you capitalism. Pig: Did you bring blue jeans? 
19900406	Elbonian 1: How do we know you came to Elbonia just to teach us capitalism? Elbonian 2: Yeah...Maybe you came to steal our secret process for making mud!! Dilbert: Dirt and water? Elbonian 2: He knows... Pig: We'll have to kill him. 
19900409	Dilbert: The first thing you Elbonians must understand about capitalism is the incentive system. If you're willing to work twelve hours a day, eventually the guy who owns your factory will get rich. Elbonian: Am I missing something here? Dilbert: Then you guys get to watch great TV shows based on the millionaire's life! 
19900410	Dilbert: My trip to Elbonia was a complete success. I opened our subsidiary, taught capitalism to the locals and showed them how to make computer chips out of sand. Dogbert: Oh great...Now they will become an industrial giant and compete against us. Dilbert: Don't worry. I also taught them our management techniques. 
19900416	Dilbert: Loose thread. I can't remember if it's better to cut these or just yank on them. (THOOP!) 
19900420	Dilbert: About 400 women turned me down for dates this year. I can only conclude one thing... Dogbert: Not enough quality women? Dilbert: Sadly. 
19900421	Dogbert: It's one of those days my brain feels lazy. I'd better avoid any mental stimulation. It's times like this I really appreciate knowing you. Dilbert: Thank you. 
19900424	Dilbert: Ahem...I think I'll call my stock broker...I'm an investor, you know. Dogbert: Ooh...I'm impressed. Dilbert: What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour. I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins? 
19900429	Dilbert: My credit card has been cancelled. The stupid bank's computer thinks I died. This is an opportunity for some righteous indignation. I love that. Bank Clerk: Hello, credit card department, an underpaid employee speaking. Well, yes, apparently you are alive. But it would be very difficult to reprogram the computer. Dilbert: I'm sure you'll find a solution. Bank Mgr: Kill him? Bank Clerk: Unless you'd RATHER read this computer manual. 
19900505	Co-worker1: Hear about the new guy? He's from NEW YORK. Dilbert: Gulp* Co-worker2: HERE HE COMES! Co-Worker1: AAGH! Dilbert: AAAEEEE!! New Guy: Well, I suppose I could hunt them down and kill them one by one. 
19900508	Dilbert: I've noticed that all the cool guys use gentle kidding with women. Women must like it. Excuse me, Miss, does your face hurt? It's killing me! Giggle giggle snort. The cool guys must hate it when this happens to them. 
19900509	Doctor: Apparently you ignored my advice and got no exercise. But you're in perfect health, which really annoys me professionally. I'm prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day...Don't cross me again. 
19900512	Caption: Dilbert presents BAD HABITS FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE! Waiter: Table for phleem? Dilbert: Yes, in the "no slapping yourself with a see bass" section. (Slap slap slap slap.) Dilbert: Do you ever wonder about the first person to try that habit? Dogbert: Great. One table away... 
19900515	Dogbert: I've decided to become an ambush reporter, like Mike Wallace. Is it true you made all of your money unethically and you're having an affair? Man: YES!! YES!! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?! Dogbert: You were chosen randomly. 
19900521	Dilbert: ...So, would you like to meet after work and go to dinner? Woman: What kind of car do you drive? Dilbert: UGH! You women are all so shallow!! It should not make one bit of difference what kind of car I drive!! Woman: Except that it will help me find you in the parking lot...But you could just stand on top of it and thump your mighty chest. 
19900523	Woman: Thanks for asking me out. Most guys get scared when they find out I'm a practicing witch. Then they say something I don't like and I end up turning them into lawn ornaments. Dilbert: That's awful! Woman: Tell me about it...You can't believe how tacky my lawn is now. 
19900601	Dilbert: I'm just a one-woman kind of guy. Some guys like to play the field. Not me. I'm happy with just one woman. Just one. Uno. That's best for me. Dogbert: You can take her for rides in the space shuttle you'll never have either. 
19900602	Manager: Your new project will be VITAL to the performance of this company! Dilbert: Uh-oh. The more he talks it up the stupider the project must be. Manager: ...High visibility. A chance to excel and be noticed! In fact, I stand to salute you for the job you will be doing! You're what makes this country great!! Dilbert: Does this have anything to do with the janitors' strike? 
19900621	Dogbert: Uh-oh. That looks like my body on the ground. I must be dead. And that light...It's beautiful...It must be GOD!! Caption: Next: a really big let down. Dogbert: Zzzzzz. 
19900702	Bob: Here's a "help wanted" ad for a babysitter. I could do that. Kids love dinosaurs. Dogbert: One problem. Your species is known to be carnivorous. Bob: I'll put "strict disciplinarian" on my resume. 
19900709	Dilbert: Hi. You must be the new secretary. Man: Well, yes and no... Granted, I'm temporarily being paid for performing secretary-like duties. Bit I'm really an author, a jazz pianist and a thespian. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. Dilbert: Sounds like a little crisis with the ol' self-image. Man: And a gourmet chef... 
19900710	Boss: Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of the department secretary. See if you can get him to cut down on the personal phone calls. Dilbert: ...Just be a little more discreet...For example, try NOT wearing the traditional costume of the countries you're calling. 
19900718	Woman: I like a man who makes eye contact. Dilbert: Oh no...Uncontrollable urge to look away...I've got to blink about twenty times. Why did she have to bring that up? AAEEEEII!! (GASP* Blink blink blink blink blink blink.) Woman: I love doing that. 
19900719	Boss: We can no longer compete against the Japanese with their technology advantages. So we're sending you to Japan on an employee exchange program. Dilbert: To learn their technology and bring it back here? Boss: Just do for them what you've done for us. 
19900721	Waiter: I've taken the liberty of calculating a twenty-percent tip. It's written on the back next to a picture of a smiling diner...A fifteen percent tip is shown by the picture of a guilty-looking diner. Below that is a picture of a diner and his dog with salad forks in their backs... 
19900723	Scientist: Here we have a lab rat, specially bred to be susceptible to peer pressure. How about a brewski? Rat: I don't drink. Scientist: All the cool rats drink beer. Ratbert: Okay. Scientist: Of course, there's more to science than just hurting animals, but frankly it's the part I like best. 
19900807	Dilbert: The experts used to say you should exercise every day. Now they think twenty minutes every other day is just as good. Shirt: Amabor health club. Dilbert: My strategy of five minutes a month is looking pretty clever. 
19900813	Boss: Dilbert, go down to the accounting department and find out what these figures mean. Dilbert: *Gulp. NO...P-PLEASE...THEY AREN'T EVEN HUMAN THERE!!! Accountant: I don't like him. Bradley: Surprise. 
19900814	Dilbert: This must be the company accounting department. I...I need to ask some questions about this b-budget report. Is this a bad time for you? Accountant: Always. 
19900815	Accountant: FOOL! WHY HAVE YOU COME TO THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT?!! Dilbert: Uh...I had some questions, sir...ma'am...er, sir? Are you a man or woman? Accountant: In accounting, it doesn't really matter. 
19900816	Accountant: So...You've come to the accounting department for an explanation of the budget report, aye? Unchain him, Bradley. Normally we would torture and kill you for questioning our report. Dilbert: But you realized that my questions are valid? Accountant: No. I'm promoting Bradley. You're my new analyst. 
19900817	Dilbert: No! You can't force me to work in accounting! I'm an engineer! Accountant: It's too late. You came...You breathed the air...The change is irreversible...Bradley will train you. Dilbert: I'm starting to get a bad attitude about this job... Bradley: Good. I can skip that part of the training. 
19900819	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert outplacement agency, or "DOA" as I call it. Here, nobody is "unemployed." You're freelance consultants who sit in cubicles and earn no money! Every cubicle is equipped with a phone and a refurbished ego. Ego: I will NOT work with that thing. 
19900824	Co-worker: Working hard? Dilbert: Hardly working! Giggle giggle snort!! Co-worker: You snorted. Dilbert: It was my best line of the day...Then I snorted. Dogbert: The curse of the engineer. 
19900827	Sign: Herman's Hardware. Dilbert: Oh no...I'm being drawn to that hardware store. The force is ripping my clothes off, but I can resist!!! I'm only looking for my clothes -- I'm not shopping. Salesman: You're not the first naked engineer to use that story. 
19900829	Dilbert: ...And I've had this irrational love for hardware stores as long as I can remember. I mean...I LOVE them. I ACTUALLY love them. You gotta help me, doc. Analyst: I've heard of this...I think the literature refers to it as "a stupid guy-thing." 
19900830	Dilbert: ...Whenever I'm near a hardware store I feel an invisible force drawing me inside. Analyst: You've been talking about yourself since you got here. We never talk about ME and MY feelings. I hurt too, you know. Dilbert: I'm paying $75 an hour... Analyst: Good Lord, and you think that makes it okay to be selfish? 
19900831	Analyst: Frankly, I'm tired of hearing your little problems... I hate my job...I haven't had a decent date in a year...My biological clock is ticking away... Dilbert: Would it be unethical to date one of your patients? Analyst: Yes, especially an ugly one. 
19900903	Dogbert: Here's a brochure for my new miracle mineral water spa. Dilbert: You claim that the water at our house will make people smart, beautiful and healthy. Dogbert: If anybody asks, tell them you don't drink water. 
19900906	Dogbert: Thank you for coming to Dogbert's "new age mineral water spa." After your chowder bath therapy, I will be channeling the spirit of Jackie Mason in ballroom "B." Dilbert: He's not dead. Dogbert: Then I'll talk to his career. 
19900910	Dilbert: YES! I've been chosen for the next space shuttle mission!! Dogbert: Why you? Dilbert: They're probably assembling the leaders from different fields. Caption: NASA. Display: Test. Scientist: In our next flight, we will study the effects of weightlessness on nerds. 
19900912	Man: ...I'll tell you why we're losing to foreign businesses: The workers in this country have lost their work ethic. Dogbert: Why aren't you working now? Man: Well, now, this is a PERFECT example of what I'm trying to tell you. 
19900914	Announcer: Now we have an opposing view to last night's editorial on animal rights. Dogbert: Hi, I'm Dogbert. I'm calling on the dogs of the world to rise up and take their rightful places as rulers of the planet. Announcer: These are not necessarily the views of this station. Dogbert: Don't listen to him. They always say that. 
19901010	Dilbert: Ugh...Look at that young couple kissing in public. Dogbert: Ugh. Dilbert: They should realize how impolite it is. Dogbert: Is it impolite for us to stare at them? Dilbert: We're just the victims in all this, Dogbert. 
19901011	Letter: Dear Dilbert, I hope you like the elbow warmer I knitted for you. Love, Aunt Helen. Dilbert: It's an elbow warmer; Just a thoughtful little gift from me to you. Dogbert: I feel like the lowest creature in the gift chain. 
19901012	Woman: It's hard to express how I feel when I'm with you. Dilbert: Try. Woman: Imagine a field of golden wheat on a sunny spring day. Birds are singing. Dilbert: There...That wasn't too hard. Woman: Now imagine a tractor on your chest... 
19901013	Dilbert: Groan* It's 6 A.M. and time for another oppressive day of meaningless toil... Wait...Today is Saturday... I am the happiest man on the planet Earth. 
19901016	Caption: Dogbert and Dilbert are called for jury duty. Dogbert: What a stupid waste of my valuable time. Dilbert: It's your civic duty. It's the small dues you pay for living in a just and free society. And you get to play god with other people's lives. Dogbert: Well, they should say that in the letter. 
19901024	Boss: Okay, the staff meeting is over. Does anybody have any meaningless, rambling questions? Johnson? Johnson: How can we work as a team to achieve total quality without sacrificing customer focus? Boss: How many people would like to see me make Johnson fetch this stick? 
19901026	Dilbert: Ooh! Nice pile of mail today! Resident...Resident...Resident...Ahh, Dilbert. I get mail; Therefore I am. 
19901030	Caption: Dilbert hires a cleaning person. Dilbert: And your name is...? Punker: Call me Mr. Tidy. Dilbert: The agency says you're experienced. Punker: Yeah, I've cleaned out some of the nicer homes in this area. The best thing here is to load your possessions into my van and I'll clean them at my place. Dilbert: Will that cost me extra? 
19901101	Dilbert: Dogbert, where's all of our furniture? Dogbert: Your new cleaning person loaded it into his van and drove away...Oh, and he said to tell you he quit. Dilbert: I think we need to review your job description as watch dog. Dogbert: I got his address. Wall: Send my check to 1348 Oke, Walnut T... 
19901108	Marketer: Maybe Dilbert can explain to the marketing people how the system works. Dilbert: Uh-oh. Uh...So the electrons alter the data bits...And then they go to the virtual array where they conflugalize. Got it? Marketer: How many of those words did you just make up? Dilbert: They're on to me. 
19901109	Sign: Bank of Ethel. Teller: I cannot allow this withdrawal... Unless you defeat me in hand to hand combat. Dilbert: They seem pretty serious about encouraging the use of their automated teller machines. 
19901112	Dogbert: I have a busy day ahead of me. Got to do some pillow-sitting, maybe eat a little. I'd better pace myself. 
19901122	Dogbert: Do you have cured ham? Butcher: Right here. Dogbert: Boy, if that's cured, what does a sick one look like?! I've always felt a duty to share my gift of mirth with others. 
19901206	Bob: OUR BABY!! He's got my looks! Rex: Hey, where am I? I'm all confused. Dawn: He's got your brain, too! 
19901213	Dogbert: Hey, mister, why are you so glum? Man: I've lost face at my job... Dogbert: You'll get over it. Man: You don't understand...I'm a plastic surgeon...I actually lost somebody's face. Dogbert: Bummer. 
19901214	Engineer 1: Yeah, I once built an FM transmitter from old television parts... Engineer 2: That's nothing...I built a broadband multiplexer from tuna cans and a lamp. Dilbert: ...My first orbiting space station was made entirely from old socks and Vaseline. I hate going last. 
19901215	Caption: Clues from women's hair. This woman is single. The same woman, now married. Married, two kids. 
19901218	Dogbert: Opera should be banned from television. It must be obscene, or they wouldn't have to sing it in a foreign language. And we can't let children think it's okay to dress like Vikings and go around hollering. 
19901229	Dogbert: How was your blind date? Dilbert: She wore too much makeup...And I had to do all the talking. Dogbert: Maybe she's a mime. Dilbert: That would explain her invisible dog. 
19910103	Dilbert: Our town hasn't had a murder since 1957. Caption: Definition of an optimist. Dilbert: We're safe forever. Caption: Definition of a pessimist. Dogbert: We're due. 
19910107	Dilbert: I'm always nervous on blind dates. Judy: Hi, I'm Judy! You must be Dilbert. Dilbert: Hi... Judy: How do I look? Dilbert: Uh...Fetching. 
19910108	Dilbert: This is absolutely the LAST blind date. Woman: ...Then I realized... I'm a woman trapped in a dog's body...So, now I'm saving for a species change operation. Dilbert: Is it expensive? Woman: Well, you can imagine the electrolysis costs alone... 
19910111	Television: ...And in the news... ...Body parts were strewn for miles... So check your sandwich. 
19910112	Wally: I was a sheep rancher before I worked here. Dilbert: How many sheep did you have? Wally: I'm not sure... Every time I tried to count them, I fell asleep. 
19910121	Dilbert: I joined the "Scientist Anti-Defamation League." Dogbert: What's that? Dilbert: They fight against negative stereotypes of technical people that are often portrayed in the media. You broke my concentration. 
19910122	Speaker: Welcome to the "Scientist Anti-Defamation League" weekly meeting. Tonight's topic is the stereotype that we scientists have no social lives...But first... Is Saturday night okay for our next meeting? Scientists: I'm free. No problem. Wide open. 
19910124	Speaker: At the Scientist Anti-Defamation League" we must dispel society's notion that scientists are always male. Unfortunately, our membership is totally male because all of you joined just to meet women. Any ideas? Scientist: Maybe we should merge with the "Aerobic Instructor Anti-Defamation League." 
19910126	Boss: I'd like to recognize Wilson for working twenty-hour days and making the project a success. Employee: Thanks, but I'm not Wilson. He quit months ago. Boss: Oh... I've got to stop calling this the employee recognition program. 
19910128	Building: Jiffy Med Center. Nurse: Do you want self service or the full service? Dilbert: Uh...full. What does full service include? Doctor: We squeegee your glasses and check under your shirt. 
19910130	Doctor: Cough. Dilbert: Cawf. Cawf. Doctor: Sing "Life is a Cabaret" like Liza Minnelli. Dilbert: Why? Doctor: I left my Sony Walkman at home. 
19910201	Doctor: You're healthy. That's fifty dollars. Dilbert: You haven't even looked at my arm! Doctor: Who's the doctor here? Dilbert: Apparently, neither of us. Doctor: Right. So it's just your word against mine. 
19910205	Dogbert: When I conquer the Earth...Will it be more efficient to put all humans in prison... ...Or train them as domestic servants for dogs? Dilbert: It's amazing how dogs can sit for hours thinking absolutely nothing. 
19910207	Wally: I'm thinking of quitting and becoming an entrepreneur. I want to experience life on the edge, full of risk and challenge and adventure. Dilbert: The company stops paying you if you quit. Wally: Oh, then never mind. 
19910208	Agent: I recommend a trip to "Clyde Canyon" for your vacation. Signs: France. Spain. Bermuda. Dilbert: What would I do there? Agent: You could look at the scenery...Take some pictures. Dilbert: Can't I just look at the brochure and stay home? Agent: Yeah, that's what I do. 
19910209	Dilbert: I was thinking about going to "Clyde Canyon" for our vacation. Dogbert: What is it? Dilbert: It's a big hole in the ground. Dogbert: What do you do there? Dilbert: You look at it. Dogbert: Ah, life be my wild mistress. Dilbert: There's some gusto out there with our names on it. 
19910218	Dilbert: IT WORKS!! MY ANTI-GRAVITY FORMULA WORKS!!! If I drink it, I'll be able to fly! I'll be famous. People will shower me with praise and admiration!! Notice anything? Dogbert: A pathetic bid for attention? 
19910227	Dogbert: One of the great things about being a dog is that we can take a nap any time we want. Sometimes we do it because we're tired. But mostly, we do it to make you hate your life. 
19910228	Dilbert: I hate shopping. Sign: Sale. Dilbert: There's never a salesperson when you want to buy something. But when you're just looking... 
19910302	Dilbert: Ten a.m. already? Great...Now I've got one of those headaches from oversleeping. Only one cure. You can't get too much of a bad thing. 
19910304	Dogbert: I've decided to open a vocational training school. Dilbert: For whom? Dogbert: Self-service gas station attendants. Dilbert: You mean, students will pay you to teach them how to sit and do nothing? Dogbert: It makes you wonder why nobody is already doing it. 
19910307	Caption: Day one: Dogbert's school for self-service gas station attendants. Trainee: Question. Do service station employees qualify for military benefits? Dogbert: I don't think so. Trainee: Can we fool women with these uniforms? 
19910311	Door: Shredder. (Bzzzzzzpp...) Shredder. Dilbert: I hate being me. Door: Shredder. 
19910312	Dilbert: The shredder tried to kill me. First, the coffee machine broke, rendering me inattentive... Boss: What are you suggesting? Dilbert: I don't think the shredder acted alone. 
19910313	Boss: On my recent business trip to Japan, I learned that Japanese workers dress as their favorite animals to boost productivity. Caption: Japan. Workers: Ha ha ha ha ha. Ooh-ooh...And remember the time we told them we all do calisthenics?! 
19910315	Dilbert: Collision course... I hate this...We'll both veer in the same direction, then the other. He'll say something stupid, like "Shall we dance?" This method isn't much better. 
19910318	Dilbert: Sometimes I wonder how a dinosaur like you can survive, Bob. I mean, your brain is so tiny...You must get exhausted just trying to think. How do you do it? Uh...That's okay. I don't really need an answer to that question. Bob: Think think think. 
19910320	Dogbert: How was work? Dilbert: Not so good...I sneezed and blew the toupee off a vice president's head and into the face of the director of marketing, who fell and broke a rib. Dogbert: Gesundheit. 
19910321	Dilbert: I missed my doctor's appointment. Can I reschedule it? Nurse: Why did you miss it? Dilbert: I was sick. Nurse: Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. 
19910323	Friend: Hi, Dogbert, how are you? Dogbert: How am I? Is this merely shallow social pulp, or do you genuinely care about me and my feelings right at this moment? Friend: It's the pulp one. Dogbert: I'm fine. How are you? 
19910327	Boy: YO! MUTT!! I need an excuse for not doing my homework. Chew on this assignment sheet and I'll say "a dog ate it." A dog made me eat it. 
19910328	Woman 1: Hi, we're with the "women's power organization." Do you have a moment? (WHUMP.) How many left? Woman 2: Two billion. 
19910331	Dilbert: I feel so awkward at these office parties I've already walked back and forth to the hors d'oeuvres six times. I'll stand close to these two and hope they include me. It's not working. I'll have to find somebody who is alone. Hmm...All the people standing alone look like losers. I'll just say something...What have I got to lose? Hi. I'm Dilbert. What do you do for a living? Boss: I'm your boss, idiot. 
19910401	Dilbert: I built this android from a kit. He doesn't have a personality, but he will walk around and talk. Dogbert: Well, I hope you guys will at least dress differently. 
19910412	Label: Do not use if seal is broken. Dilbert: Great...How are you supposed to get the pills out? 
19910414	Dilbert: I quit drinking coffee. I don't like to be dependent on chemicals. Dogbert: How's it feel? Dilbert: I felt a little slow getting ready for work, but you have to expect that on Monday. Dogbert: It's Thursday. 
19910419	Caption: When you're alone, you start thinking weird thoughts. Dilbert: Do bugs sweat? Caption: The longer you're alone, the weirder it gets. Dilbert: I can levitate this pen with my mind. Caption: Don't stay alone too long. Dilbert: How would it feel if I shaved my entire body? 
19910420	Dilbert: I know it's only our first date, but what do you think of me? Woman: You remind me of Elvis. Dilbert: Sexy. Woman: Dead. 
19910427	Bagger: Paper or plastic? Paper that can be recycled...or an evil, selfish, short-sighted, planet-destroying, stupid plastic bag?!! Dilbert: Plastic. Bagger: Good. That's all we have. 
19910429	Boss: Ask my secretary to schedule a meeting. Dilbert: Groan. Um...Excuse me...Excuse me...Miss Cerberus, could a humble employee have the honor of your attention. Cerberus: ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE CHALLENGE OF DEATH?!! Dilbert: Does this involve any winged monkeys? 
19910504	Instructor: Good. The toss is the most important part of... Dilbert: Is this why you get two serves? 
19910506	Dilbert: What's wrong with this necktie? Caption: Coming: the shocking truth about Dilbert's tie. Dilbert: That's better. 
19910507	Dogbert: I've always wondered why your tie curls up like that. My theory is that the tie is simply showing a natural aversion to being near you. Have you noticed any of your other clothes trying to flee? Dilbert: I'm missing a sock. 
19910508	Dogbert: Ratbert, I need your help to solve the mystery of Dilbert's necktie. Ratbert: Gosh, Dogbert, most of my work at the lab is the non-analytical type. Sure, I've eaten a few hundred ties, but who hasn't. Dogbert: It's not your brain power that I need. Ratbert: Can we solve this with my good looks alone? 
19910510	Dogbert: Mister garbageman, do you know why Dilbert's neckties curl up? Garbageman: It could be a Tanzanian necktie snake in one of its clever disguises. They'll stalk you for years, then suddenly -- ACK!! 
19910519	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to introduce the new guy to everybody. Dilbert: Groan. Boss: This way I never have to learn their names. Dilbert: The first stop on our odyssey is Bud. Uh...Bud, this is the new guy, and vice-versa. Bud: What's this?! Another pink-bottomed, ivy league, management "trainee"?! In MY day, you had to start at the bottom...and by golly, you STAYED there!! New Guy: How long have you worked here? Bud: A week...This happens pretty quickley. 
19910522	Dogbert: Come meet my new pet turtle. Dilbert: Boy, that is one ugly-looking turtle. What kind is it? Dogbert: He's a "snappy comeback turtle," but not a good one. Turtle: Oh yeah?!! Ugly, am I? Well, uh...So's my mother! 
19910524	Dogbert: I can't remember the rules for Solitaire. I'll just put the cards in random piles and then declare myself the winner. That was surprisingly satisfying. 
19910525	Dogbert: I didn't know you could sew. Dilbert: I watched my mother do it when I was a kid. She taught me everything. We often found Mom sewed to the sofa. 
19910526	Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's "school of hard knocks." This is the school you've heard so much about. Chances are, one of your parents is a graduate of this school. At Dogbert's school of hard knocks, you will gain the wisdom that can only be obtained through suffering. Throughout the course, I'll be whacking you with various blunt objects. It may be unpleasant at first, but you'll get used to it. Eventually, your brain will rationalize the whole experience. You'll think I'm a dedicated teacher, and you'll actually believe you learned something. Stick with the basics, I say. 
19910527	Dogbert: Help me look for valuable stamps. You're better at this than I am. Dilbert: Philately will get you nowhere. 
19910529	Dogbert: You should think about washing the car soon. Dilbert: You're right...It's just so easy to get used to it being dirty. But lately it's been affecting my gas mileage. 
19910531	Dilbert: This is my new official disk player for the computer. Now I can instantly access the works of Shakespeare or study the history of Greece! Dogbert: How often do you need to do that? Dilbert: You just don't understand technology, do you? Dogbert: I'm just a dog. 
19910602	(WHACK! UGH...) Dogbert: On television you can knock a person out with one karate chop. Just think how useful that could be in real life. Caption: Male daydream sequence. Dogbert: This movie line is too long. (CHOP!) (HUNH!) (AAEEII!!) Dogbert: I'm glad nobody else thought of that first. 
19910603	Boss: Why should I hire you as my business consultant? Dogbert: I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time. Boss: I work here full-time. Dogbert: Sorry. I'll try to speak slower. 
19910604	Dogbert: My fee for business consulting is $200 an hour. Boss: Fair enough. Dogbert: I'll spend the day questioning your employees to identify their problem areas. Caption: Later. Dogbert: It's unanimous. They're underpaid and all the problems are your fault, "Lard Head." 
19910605	Caption: Dogbert is a consultant. Dogbert: Your profits are plunging. Display: $ Dogbert: The problem will not be easy to solve. Display: Brains: competitors, beavers, you. Boss: So, what should we do? Cut the training system again? 
19910607	Sign: Palm reading -- $20. Reader: Your life line is very short. I can get you a few more years by extending the line with this grease pencil. Dilbert: Someday I should go back and have her lengthen my intelligence line too. Dogbert: I'd hurry. 
19910609	Dilbert: What are you working on? Dogbert: I'm writing my own encyclopedia to sell for large profits. Dilbert: How could you write an entire encyclopedia by yourself? Dogbert: It's abridged. I had to cut some corners to get it all in five pages. Dilbert: Five pages?! You condensed the history and knowledge of the world into five pages?!! Dogbert: Actually, it's mostly about me...The other stuff didn't seem important. But I threw in some stuff about Canada to make it seem thorough. Dilbert: "Canada has trees." Dogbert: I'll have to tighten that section a bit. 
19910611	Boss: Why have you refused to submit to our employee drug testing? Dilbert: It's a violation of my privacy and an insult to my integrity. I demand to be judged only on my PERFORMANCE. Boss: But your performance stinks. Dilbert: Performance AND attendance. 
19910613	Dilbert: It's an ethical dilemma... I support my company's goal of discouraging drug use, but the random drug testing policy is a violation of my constitutional rights. I'll get fired if I refuse the test. What is the ethical thing to do. Dogbert: Hack into their computer and change your boss's test results. Dilbert: Sometimes the straightest path is through the mud. Dogbert: Good, rationalize it with an obtuse metaphor. 
19910614	Boss: I'm discontinuing the employee drug testing program... Because my own tests keep turning out positive...which makes me suspect that some wiseguy has tampered with the medical computer. Dilbert: Denial and paranoia...classic symptoms. Wally: Is he "high" right now? 
19910615	Dogbert: I've been thinking about my goal of becoming the supreme ruler of Earth... Dilbert: I know EXACTLY how you feel. I once had a goal of growing a mustache...But it was beyond my grasp. I mean, figuratively beyond my grasp. I could still reach my upper lip, you understand...But there was no reason to try. Dogbert: Right, but back to me... 
19910616	Man: You should have seen that fish... Boss: That's nothing, compared to the fish I... Hi, Dilbert. Dilbert: He wants to hug me. That's strange. Okay, I'm a nineties guy. Hi, boss. Now I'll have to hug this guy so it doesn't seem awkward. Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm glad we've outgrown the uptight eighties. 
19910617	Dilbert: I thought it was bad when they made us work in those little cubicles... Then they put two people in each cubicle...but we got used to it. I guess we'll get used to Velcro strips, too. 
19910619	Dogbert: I'm starting my own tabloid newspaper, the "Dogbert Star." All of the stories will be sensational lies about me...That way I'll save money on lawsuits. "An angry Dogbert denied that his ego was so big he started a tabloid devoted entirely to himself." 
19910621	Boss: It's going to be another year of flogging dead horses. But somehow we'll muddle through our internal bureaucracy, gouge our customers, and keep getting our tiny paychecks. Dilbert: Sir, Wilson turned into a clump of uninspired sod. Boss: It's just as well; He has a bad attitude. 
19910622	Dilbert: You know that good feeling you get when you first put a Q-tip in your ear? Dogbert: Yeah. Dilbert: Can I freely enjoy it, or is it a sin? Dogbert: I think it's okay. Dilbert: Good, because I used a whole box yesterday. 
19910623	Dilbert: Add one jar of spaghetti sauce... (Hmph. Grrr. Unh.) (RRRRR.) Dogbert: Let me try to humiliate you by opening it easily. This definitely would have worked in "Family Circus." I'll see if Bob can open it. Bob: No problem for a mighty dinosaur. (SMASH!) Dilbert: Will you STOP humming "My Way." 
19910624	Boss: You've been randomly selected to have lunch with a senior executive of the company. This is how the executives show that they are regular people, just like you and me. Caption: At lunch. Executive: I could squash you like a bug! Ha ha ha HA HA HA! 
19910626	Caption: Lunch with a top executive. Executive: I have these lunches to find out what the workers are thinking. You may speak freely. Dilbert: Okay...It seems like the company is lacking leadership and direction. The executives squelch all initiative by punishing those who take risks and voice opinions. Executive: You leave me little choice but to fling this Au Gratin potato at your forehead. 
19910627	Dogbert: How was your lunch with the executive vice president? Dilbert: Everything was fine until the food fight. He started throwing Au Gratin potatoes...I countered with a ear of corn to his head and ran for the exit. When I left, he was face-down in the clam chowder and the kitchen staff was singing "Ding-dong the witch is dead." 
19910630	Boss: I've hired a consultant to clarify our company policy on discrimination. Dogbert: It is against policy to discriminate based on race, sex, age, handicap or religion. Caption: Consultant. Employee 1: Does that include unpopular, little religions? Dogbert: No, those are considered cults; You may discriminate freely against them. Employee 2: What about short, bald, fat, ugly men? Are they considered "handicapped"? Dogbert: Technically, no. You can still tease them and deny them promotions as usual. Likewise, you may discriminate against nerds, smokers, and single people. And we've dropped "stupid people" from the watch list, as their lobbying efforts proved ineffective... 
19910706	Dogbert: The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth. Those people are idiots. They should all drive over here and proclaim me their king. The secret to happiness is high expectations and your own bag of chips. 
19910707	Dilbert: Do you think people are basically good or evil? Dogbert: Well, I know dogs are basically good. And dogs are better than people. But people are better than cats. And cats are evil... Therefore, all people are stupid. Dilbert: I don't follow that logic. Dogbert: Yes, my theory predicts you would say that. 
19910708	Caption: Dog aerobics. Dogbert: Zzzzz. ...And a one... 
19910709	Dilbert: I just read that in a few years you will be able to access all of the news and information of the world from your personal computer. You probably saw the same article in today's paper. Wally: I don't read a paper. Dilbert: What's wrong with this picture? 
19910710	Sign: Fred's driving school. "Learn to Drive IN Just Five Minutes." Dogbert: How can you teach driving in just five minutes? Fred: It's a crash course. 
19910712	Dilbert: I can't stop putting writing tools in my shirt pocket... It started harmlessly...First a pen, then two. Now I'm afraid to go anywhere without a pen and pencil of every color. Analyst: Do you have the secondary colors? Dilbert: There are SECONDARY colors?! 
19910714	Dilbert: Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep? Dogbert: Zzzz. Dilbert: It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars. Dogbert: Ha ha! I am saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves! What's on my schedule today, lackey? Dilbert: You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine. Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten. Dogbert: Good, good. Dilbert: Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off. Dogbert: Reality: What a gyp. 
19910717	Dogbert: Your Chihuahua disguise is good, Ratbert. But you must also learn to THINK like a Chihuahua. To think like a Chihuahua, imagine the sound of one hand clapping. Ratbert: OUCH! I SPRAINED MY BRAIN! YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!!! Dogbert: Good, good... 
19910721	(WOOOooooooo.) Dilbert: Police? Policeman: You made an illegal u-turn. Dilbert: You're giving me a ticket for THAT?! A measly u-turn?! I can't believe it! The world is full of murderers and thugs, but you stop ME? I'm wasting my taxes on your salary! And frankly, those mustaches you guys all grow don't make you look any smarter. Policeman: Please step out of your car for the sobriety test. Dilbert: ...So, it turns out that the sobriety test involves flinging yourself down a muddy embankment. 
19910724	Caption: Dilbert enters a stand-up comedy competition. Comedian: Is this your first time? Dilbert: Yeah. Comedian: I know I'm supposed to be your competitor, but I'll share my technique of using mental imagery to relax. Dilbert: Thanks! Comedian: Imagine that you're naked...and the audience is full of Mary Kay sales people with camcorders... 
19910727	Dilbert: Forgot my keys. I'll have to slap my forehead and mutter when I turn around, otherwise I'll look silly. (SMACK.) Too hard. 
19910728	Sign: Dogbert's find-a-friend service. Man: I'd like to find a friend. Dogbert: Have a seat. I need to ask a few questions, so I don't accidentally match you with somebody who's too good for you. One: When a friend doesn't return a borrowed tool, do you? A: make sarcastic comments; B: buy a new tool; C: set a lethal trap. Man: C: set a lethal trap. Caption: Later. Dogbert: I'm afraid you haven't qualified for a normal friend...I could set you up with somebody who's new in town, but it wouldn't last. There's one option...Two, if you count growing sea monkeys. Dilbert: Yes, I hate sea monkeys too. Who are you? 
19910731	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert lecture series on guilt. In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway. 
19910803	Dilbert: I feel like I'm being judged by everybody I see. Why can't people accept other people as they are, without judging them? Dogbert: It was a good speech, but it lacked emotion. Card: 7.5. 
19910804	Woman: Uh-oh...That guy is coming to talk to us. Dilbert: I hate this long walk across the room. Woman: You're the ugly one, Edna. You'll have to protect me. Dilbert: They spotted me. They're planning a defense. Woman: I'll push you between us. You start babbling about your cat or something. Dilbert: I can't do it. I'll veer off at the last minute... Woman: NOW, EDNA! It's hard to be the pretty one. Edna: I have a cat named Boots. 
19910805	Dilbert: When's the baby due? Woman: Any minute now. The company has no maternity leave police, so I'm going to deliver by the Xerox machine and keep working. Dilbert: That doesn't seem fair. Co-worker: Year, especially if you need to make copies. 
19910809	Coworker 1: Yeah...I had a temperature of 147 degrees and they had to remove my internal organs. Coworker 2: Well, that's nothing compared to my bout with bubonic plague last week. Coworker 3: Did I ever tell you about the time I repaired my own lawn mower? Coworker 1: Not again. 
19910810	Dilbert: I hate it when my dog just stares at me. Is he plotting? Does he know something I don't? What is it? Dogbert: Dogs don't like to talk about it, but the instinct to look up peoples noses is very strong. 
19910811	Dilbert: Motorist in distress up ahead. Woman: Can you help me, young man? Dilbert: Have no fear, I'm an engineer. Hmm...Yes, I see...Try it now. Woman: Nothing. Dilbert: Okay, try it now. Woman: Hey, you're not doing anything but fiddling and poking at things! In fact, there's nothing in here that you could conceivably fix with your bare hands. My God, you men are FRAUDS!! It's lucky I'm out of gas; You might have caused an explosion!! 
19910812	Dogbert: I got a job as a used car salesman. Dilbert: Does it pay well? Dogbert: I'm not in it for the money. I just enjoy lying to strangers. This one was owned by Carlos the diamond smuggler. It corners well, but the gas mileage is bad -- almost as if it has weights hidden in the door panels. 
19910813	Caption: Dogbert the car salesman. Dogbert: I can let you have this one for five thousand. Customer: Three thousand. Dogbert: No, but I could sell THAT car for four thousand. Customer: Thirty-five hundred. Dogbert: Sold. Customer: I guess you don't get a lot of negotiators like me. Dogbert: It's the first time anybody bought the car they came here in. 
19910818	Dilbert: Come help me hook up my new VCR, Dogbert. You read the instructions and I'll connect the cables. Dogbert: "Connect the 300 ohm twin-lead flat cable to the 75 ohm RF2 jack." Dilbert: ? Dogbert: "Or use the optional 75 ohm coaxial cable with the F type connector." Dilbert: Good lord, I'm an electrical engineer and I don't understand any of this. I'll have to lie to the other engineers and say I don't WANT to record TV shows. Dogbert: "Now, strip naked, cover your body with motor oil and run through town yelling walla-walla-walla." Dilbert: Let me see that. Dogbert: "Step six: Do not doubt the nice dog." 
19910819	Banker: Well, Mr. Dogbert, what could I do to convince you to put your new wealth in our bank? Dogbert: Stretch your polyester pants over the top of your head. I hope money doesn't change me. 
19910822	Dogbert: I lost my fortune in a high-risk investment. Dilbert: Junk bonds? Dogbert: Checking account at "Ethel's savings and loan." 
19910825	Sign: Video sales. Customer: I'll take this one. Clerk: Why would anybody BUY a mystery movie?! What do you do, watch it a hundred times and act surprised at the ending? Get a life. Dilbert: I'll take this one. Clerk: Tootsie?! You want to OWN a movie about a man who wears dresses?! Dilbert: What?! I thought it was a documentary about Tootsie Rolls. You should label those things more clearly! Is it a sin to lie to strangers? Dogbert: The way you do it, yes. Video: Rambo. 
19910827	Dilbert: I haven't spoken for this whole meeting. Engineer: Blah blah. Dilbert: I'll wait for a quiet space and chime in with something that makes me look smart. Leader: Does anybody have any unproductive yet insightful comments to show how smart they are? Dilbert: Yo. 
19910828	Les: I disagree with everything you said. Who wants to step outside and fight about it?!! I may be on the smallish side but I can kick any butt in this room!! C'mon, who wants a piece of me? Co-worker: It's my fault. I accidentally used him to soak up a coffee spill this morning. 
19910829	Dilbert: Hi, Les. Les: You say that almost mockingly. The way you say it, my name sounds like "Less." I've told you a million times it's French -- pronounced "Lez." Dilbert: You seem a little short-tempered. Les: Hey! That time you did it on purpose!! 
19910830	Les: I hope you'll date me now, Helen. I brought my resume as you requested. Helen: There's a little formula I use to calculate the ratio of your earnings potential to your height and baldness... (Click click) Hmm...You pass. Of course, I'll still date other men too. Les: On different nights? 
19910831	Boss: We've addresses your concern about the potential safety hazard of computer terminal radiation. (FOOMP!) Researcher: Air bags -- Their time has come. 
19910901	Dilbert: Hey, that's Lisa. I dated her last night! Lisa! What are you doing in this neighborhood? Lisa: Well...actually, I didn't know how to tell you to stop calling me... ...So I came to throw this brick with a note on it through your window. (CRASH.) It seems awkward now... Dilbert: ...It was like you sucked the oxygen out of the room...You remind me of fungus... ...Continued on brick two. (CRASH.) That's it! She is OFF my Valentine list!! 
19910902	Boss: Dilbert, this is your new co-worker, Floyd Remora. Floyd has worked here for twenty years without developing any skills. He survives by attaching himself to the backs of other employees. Dilbert: Go ahead...Ask me how my day went. 
19910907	Boss: I want to dispel the myth that we're sexist in our treatment of female engineers. The directors have agreed to award Betty the title of company "fellow." Betty: Fellow? Boss: You'll still use the women's rest room of course. 
19910908	Dilbert: Is this the meeting? Group: Mumble. Mumble. Dilbert: Good. Speaker: Everybody take a copy of the agenda. Dilbert: I'm in the wrong meeting...Now it's too awkward to leave. I'll casually stretch my arms, flick the lights off and escape under the cover of dark. Group: OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Speaker: Oh, sorry, wrong agenda. Dilbert: I'm starting to think that the problem with our economy is deeper than high interest rates. 
19910913	Dilbert: This magazine is the only way we can learn about primitive cultures. Magazine: National Geographic. Dogbert: How do they learn about us? Dilbert: Here's a pygmy reading "The New Yorker." 
19910914	Boss: It's pay day. HA HA!! DANCE FOR YOUR PAY CHECK!! HA HA HA!! MINE IS TWICE AS BIG!! And they say money can't buy happiness. 
19910916	Dogbert: I'm in such a bad mood. I've got to trip an ugly stranger. That will cheer me up. Stranger: HUHN! Dogbert: That's a technique you won't find in any self-help book. 
19910918	Dilbert: I'm putting together a presentation for the big boss's staff meeting. We hear he likes geometry. Dogbert: "Rectangles: the misunderstood parallelograms." It's bound to spark controversy. Dilbert: We believe in open communication. 
19910919	Wally: What's your presentation going to be about? Dilbert: Rectangles. We heard the boss was a geometry major. Wally: Good thinking. But I heard he was a geography major, not geometry. Dilbert: Wyoming: one of the many rectangular states. 
19910920	Boss: We're making a company commercial. Memorize these lines. Dilbert: "I'm Wally! I was specially bred to serve you and take abuse, o magnificent customer." It sounds a little unnatural. Alice: "I'm Raquel. I'll be your love puppet if you buy from us." 
19910921	Man: It's not easy to be a professional body builder. At parties, people ask what I do. I have to say "I lift heavy things, then I put them down." It makes me sound dumb. Dogbert: How's the pay? Man: Pay? 
19910922	Dogbert: ? Fish: Howdy! Dogbert: I've never seen a fish with legs. Fish: I'm evolving into a higher life form. Dogbert: That sounds like a lot of work. Fish: Yeah...The hard part is finding a mate who isn't turned off by legs. With any luck, the kids will be mutants too. I'm hoping they'll have arms but not look too much like Rodney Dangerfield. These legs are a natural advantage! Female Fish: Oh, that's original. 
19910923	Dogbert: I AM DOGBERT, THE SUPREME RULER OF EARTH!! WORSHIP ME, YOU IGNORANT MASSES!! That was practice. Ratbert: Darn, now my eyes are stuck in zombie mode... 
19910924	Dogbert: I come up here and use visualization to achieve my goals. You can get anything you want by visualizing it. Ratbert: Wow! I've got to try that! Dogbert: I'm the ruler of the world. Ratbert: You're a big hunk of cheese. 
19910925	Wally: May I borrow your pen for a minute? Dilbert: Farewell, little friend. You have always been true. May the wind be at your back. I...I...love you... Wally: Uh...could I borrow one which you've had less of a personal relationship with? Dilbert: How about Brenda? 
19910926	Engineer: I hope you won't mind my pillow and blanket at your presentation. The last time you presented, I lost consciousness and broke my nose on the table. Dilbert: Whatever happened to good manners? Engineers: Zzz/Zzz bonk/Zzz/Zzz/Bonk/Zzz bonk. 
19910927	Ted: I think it was fifty gigabits. Wally: I think you mean MEGAbits. All: HA HA HA hoo-hoo-ha ha ha short giggle hee-hee ha ha. Dilbert: We're so fun-loving. You'd think ONE of us would have a friend outside of work. 
19910928	Dilbert: I have become one with my computer. It is a feeling of ecstasy...the perfect blend of logic and emotion. I have reached... Dogbert: "Nerdvana." 
19910929	Brad: It looks like the ugly people's convention is in town. How are you two cow pies doing? Huh? Dilbert: Why are you always so cruel, Brad? Brad: It's not cruel! This is male bonding, you fertilizer face! Try it; It'll make you feel like a man for the first time! Dilbert: Uh...Okay. Did you know that Bruce dates your wife on your poker nights? And your children are funny looking - especially Becky. He's right. That felt good. 
19911006	Agent: Psst... Want to buy a nuclear bomb? Dogbert: How much? Agent: Twenty bucks. Dogbert: Deal. Does the government know about this? Agent: I am the government. It's the only way we could agree on to reduce the national debt...You wouldn't believe how many of these things we have. Dogbert: I'm glad I got mine before some liberal has a hissy fit. 
19911013	Dilbert: Why are kids so dumb? Have the schools failed? Let's talk to a typical youth. Who was the sixth president of the United States? Boy: Who cares? Dilbert: How will he ever get a job without this basic knowledge? What is the deepest lake in North America? Boy: Who cares? Dilbert: Pitiful...Shocking... Boy: Who is M.C. Hammer? Dilbert: I don't know, but it's not important. It's trivia. Boy: Oh, I see. What YOU know is important, but what I know is trivia. Yes, yes, it all makes sense now. Dilbert: Is that sarcasm? Boy: D-uhh. 
19911019	Dilbert: What's a five-letter word beginning with "I"... That means "an idiot who doesn't know a five-letter word for idiot that starts with 'I'?" Dogbert: Idiot. Dilbert: Will that fit? 
19911020	Dilbert: Look! A beautiful Regency butterfly! Dogbert: Beautiful?? It's a flying BUG. Dilbert: It might not seem like much now... But after we kill it, dip it in chemicals, and flatten it between glass, it becomes a beautiful work of art! Dogbert: Do we throw away the bug guts and just keep the wings? Dilbert: No, the guts keep the wings evenly spaced. EEOW!!! ANTS IN MY PANTS!! Dogbert: Mother Nature! Ma Nature: He was standing right on an anthill. I couldn't resist. 
19911021	Dilbert: Uh...Wally, you're wearing only underwear at work. Wally: I'm trying to get fired. The company layoff plan is very generous. I'll get a big pile of money if they ask me to leave. This has given me a degree of freedom in dealing with local management. 
19911024	Dilbert: This high school yearbook really brings back the memories. There's dopey Bobby Noober. Every day we'd tie him to the flagpole and stuff live frogs in his pants. Dogbert: Where is he now? Dilbert: He's still the principal...Not the happiest guy I've ever known. 
19911025	Boss: We've got to focus more on the needs of our customers. I've hired famous business consultant Tom Peters to follow you around and make passionate criticism. Tom: Is this quality? Are you truly focused on the customer? Dilbert: Great...He's a spitter. 
19911027	Caption: Dogbert's world of the unexplained. Dogbert: I'm at the farm of May and Clem Bovinski... ...The location of unexplained phenomena. Caption: (Deep voice) The disturbances have lasted 40 years. May: Objects move all by themselves. Sometimes they hit Clem. Clem: I reckon it's poltergeist. No other explanation makes sense. (BONK!) Dogbert: Cut. 
19911029	Dilbert: Hey! You charged me TEN dollars yesterday! Sign: Pet me -- $5.00. Dogbert: Five dollars is just the base price. I charge extra for an extended no-rabies warranty and other add-ons. Dilbert: I'll take a "plain." Dogbert: Wag or no wag? 
19911030	Dilbert: ...My dog started charging me to pet him. I haven't hugged Mom since I was twelve...My dates are always disasters...I just needed to touch somebody. Good session, Doc. Thanks. Doctor: Nice try. 
19911031	Dilbert: Ted, can you explain item number two? Ted: No. I'm on vacation. I take my vacations in ten minute increments during regular work days. That way I can avoid assignments. Dilbert: Your ten minutes are up. Ted: Cough cough! Whoa, I'd better take some sick time. 
19911101	Dilbert: Would the world be any worse off if I'd never been born? Wait...If not for me, who would turn off this computer every night? I'm saving electricity! I found meaning in my life today. Dogbert: You left your bedroom light on all day. 
19911103	Engineer 1: My project is a whole new paradigm. Dilbert: What's a paradigm? Engineer 1: Heh-heh..."What's a paradigm"...funny. Dilbert: Seriously, what is it? Engineer 1: You know...paradigm, paradigmish... As in "this project is a paradigm." But enough about my project...Tell us about your project. Dilbert: It's a paradigm. They bought it. Engineer 2: My project is a paradigm too. 
19911105	Co-worker: You did it! You removed the pencil "Excalibert" from the sharpener. Caption: As corporate legend required, Dilbert became CEO. He immediately set about the task of making important decisions. Secretary: Here's the list of people who didn't grovel sufficiently. 
19911106	Dilbert: Now that I'm C.E.O., what am I supposed to actually do. Advisor: You're supposed to make superficial statements about how good the company is, then hope something lucky happens and profits go up. It's called leadership, sir. Dilbert: Make it so. 
19911110	Sign: Book signing today. Writer: Would you like an autographed copy? Dogbert: Who are you? Writer: I'm Bobby McNewton, child-star from the sixties. I once had a speaking part on "Leave It To Beaver." I'm leveraging my fame to promote my recipe book. Book: "Walnuts and milk: Crush walnuts on table. Pour milk on walnuts. Serve cold." "Walnuts and pork: Kill a pig. Cook dead pig. Sprinkle walnuts on pig's corpse." Writer: I used a ghost writer. Dogbert: Was he a ghost before he ate your food? 
19911113	Dogbert: We have to approach your dating problem logically. We'll begin by writing down all of the qualities you want in a girlfriend. Caption: Much later... Dilbert: ...And she must be a ballerina. Dogbert: My paw is cramping. 
19911116	Dilbert: I joined a bowling league. Dogbert: Yikes! We've become lower middle-class! Dilbert: Don't be ridiculous. Bowling is good exercise. I'm doing it to build muscle tone. Bowler: Hey! "Little Arm." 
19911117	Dilbert: She's an hour late. Hi, Ellen. Didn't we agree on seven? Ellen: Hi, Dilbert. I was ready on time but I decided to shampoo my carpets. Then I got involved in a crossword puzzle. This is how attractive people assert their superiority over the rest of you. Don't take it personally. I have a complete disregard for the feelings of all ugly people. I'll make this adorable face and you'll go into a stunned-ugly-guy stupor and forget the whole thing. Dilbert: Uh...What were we talking about? Ellen: You were explaining why you didn't bring me any flowers. 
19911118	Boss: Our CEO is announcing a ten-percent staff reduction to cut expenses. Dilbert: Question: Didn't our CEO get paid twenty million dollars this year? Boss: Yes... But risky jobs deserve higher pay. Dilbert: Question: Didn't you say WE were getting cut? 
19911119	Boss: The staff cuts will be determined by tossing a dart at the organization chart while blindfolded. Johnson: AAEEEE! Alice: You slayed Johnson! Boss: Boy, talk about decisive management! 
19911120	Wally: We're sorry to hear you're getting laid off, Bruce. We calculated that if ten of your friends here took ten percent pay cuts then the company can keep you. Bruce: Gosh! You'd do that for me? Wally: No. We're here to look at your office furniture. 
19911121	Boss: Dilbert, profits are too low. I've got to let you go... Dilbert: WHAT!! Boss: ...To a training class. They're so cute when they get jumpy. 
19911123	Sign: Portrait -- $5.00. Dilbert: Make me look smart and sexy. It doesn't look like me... Artist: Too sexy? 
19911124	Dilbert: Look, Dogbert -- a wallet. It's full of money. Dogbert: We're rich!! Dilbert: We must return it to its owner. Dogbert: We're honest! Dilbert: His business card says "Sam Grooper, ruthless criminal." Let's hope "ruthless" means he divorced his wife named Ruth. Mr. Grooper, we found your wallet. No reward is expected. Sam: Hand it over. Give me your wallet too. Then slap yourselves around and scram. Dogbert: We're morons! 
19911201	Boss: Dilbert, do a presentation for the big boss tomorrow morning on the status of your project. Dilbert: There isn't any status. You only assigned the project an hour ago. Boss: Well then, do a presentation on why there's no status. Dilbert: I don't have time before tomorrow morning. Boss: Okay, then just do a presentation on why there's no time to do a presentation of the status. And I want to review it two days before you present it. Dilbert: That would be yesterday. Should I do a presentation on why tomorrow is less than two days from today? Boss: Hmm...Good. The boss likes that analytical stuff. 
19911202	Boss: Dilbert, your new co-worker is Zimbu the monkey. Zimbu learned English from the zoo keepers in a special program. Dilbert: This monkey is an insult to the intelligence of the other workers and I. Zimbu: Other workers and "me," not "I." 
19911205	Wally: I hear that big layoffs are coming, nervous Ted. Ted: AAAH!! AAAAH!! AAAAH!! Dilbert: Let me try one. Wally: Okay, but give him a minute. 
19911207	Dilbert: Your eyes are like the moon on an autumn night, full of mystery and magic. Your lips are like earthworms, painted a hideous red and caught on the sidewalk during a rain storm. Dogbert: Home early? Dilbert: At least I didn't have to kiss the worms. 
19911208	Caption: Bob the dinosaur rips the pants off of guys we hate for no reason. Bob: Yes! Caption: Guys who wear those little helmets to ride a bicycle. Man: Did a 100 "K" today. AAAAGH!! (RIP.) Bob: Safety first! Caption: Guys who know actual dance steps. Man: AAAGH! Bob: Women love that stuff! Caption: Guys who know wine. Man: Fruity, yet tannic... Bob: Flowery, yet polyester!! Caption: Guys who can stop a conversation cold. Dilbert: That reminds me of trellis code modulation. 
19911209	Dilbert: Now for the "dance of the eye contact." I pretend to look at spots on the wall. If our eyes meet too soon we'll have to awkwardly smile for ten seconds. Now! Co-worker: I hate the first smile of the day. 
19911212	Dogbert: Nostradogbert predicts that the world will end within a hundred billion years. Bob: That's a big range. Dogbert: We in the business call it the "gross prophet margin." Bob: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. 
19911213	Dilbert: When's the baby due? Woman: Baby? What baby? Can't a woman go off her diet for one day without getting that question? Next... Wally: So, when's the baby due? 
19911214	Dilbert: Knowledge is power, Dogbert. Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And they will have a special name for us. Dogbert: Secretaries. 
19911215	Dilbert: I'm going to dust. (ZIP.) I'm starting to think there's a trick to this. Dogbert: Did your mother teach you to dust that way? Dilbert: We didn't call her the "grey fox" because of her clever brownie recipe. 
19911219	Dogbert: I've become a newspaper critic. Dilbert: Of what? Paper: News. Dogbert: I criticize ordinary people...I started with you. Dilbert: Hey, here it is. What's this little symbol mean? Dogbert: That's a dog sniffing himself...It's like getting one star. 
19911220	Wally: Uh-oh, Nardo is coming. I'm out of here. Dilbert: Uh, hi, Nardo. Nardo: In the old country we did not have what you call personal space. Dilbert: Take your hands out of my pockets. Nardo: Oh, I get it. They're for your use only, right? 
19911221	Dilbert: Bishop takes rook. I have you now, my friend. Dogbert: My queen has an Uzi in her purse. She slays your entire side. Dilbert: You did the same thing when we played Scrabble. Dogbert: Take it like a man. 
19911222	Caption: 'Twas the night before Christmas... When a duck hit the sled... (SMACK.) Santa fell out... And dropped on his head... He was barely alive, this jolly old elf... 'Twas the holiday season, so I thought of myself... Dogbert: Hey! I don't see any gifts here! Caption: So I stole his hat and buried him in the back yard. The end. Dilbert: Uh...This is interesting, Dogbert. Dogbert: The sequel is titled "Elf Wars: The Taste of Venison." 
19911223	Boss: From now on, all employees are empowered to make their own decisions. Empowerment is the concept of the nineties. You'll be happier and more productive. Wally: You're fired, Dilbert. Dilbert: No, YOU are! Alice: I'll never work hard again! 
19911224	Dilbert: Have you made any decisions since the boss made us all "empowered"? Wally: Just one. I turned my cubicle into a revenue generating tourist attraction. So far, business has been slow at "sticky-note city." 
19911226	Dilbert: What did you mean when you said all employees are empowered? Does that mean I can control my own budget, make decisions without twelve levels of approval, and take calculated risks on my own? Boss: No, it's just a way to blame employees for not doing the things we tell them not to do. Dilbert: No wonder you needed a new word. 
19911227	Woman: I'm using a new system for evaluating my dates. I just check off boxes on this card throughout the night. There...I just dinged you a point for that nervous twitch. Would you say your head is more like a block or a bucket? 
19911228	Dilbert: Do you ever wonder about the meaning of life, Dogbert? Dogbert: I used to. But I looked it up in the dictionary under "L" and there it was -- the meaning of life. It was less than I expected. Dilbert: Did you try the thesaurus? 
19911229	Dilbert: I've been asked to brief everybody on the company's policy for protecting secret information. All secret information must be locked up at night. Our secrets could be of great value to our competitors. In fact, some companies try to buy the secrets of their competitors. Employee: Just out of curiosity, how much would our competitors pay for our secrets? Dilbert: Oh, I dunno...Maybe several times your annual salary. I don't think this was some of my best work. 
19920105	Father: Thanks for agreeing to baby-sit, Dogbert. Dogbert: No sweat. Bret: Doggie-bert! Dogbert: Sit down, Bret. You're in your most innocent and impressionable years. As an adult, it is my duty to fill your sponge-like brain with incredible nonsense for my own entertainment. Your parents are really space aliens. They're just fattening you up so they can eat you! The slaughterhouse is a place called kindergarten!! Father: Thanks, Dogbert. Did you change him? Dogbert: Probably. 
19920106	Dogbert: I bought a gun that shoots ping-pong balls! (Ptoink) I love games that involve the whole family. 
19920107	Boss: Hold still...I'm going to try a morale-building experiment. (Slap slap slap slap) Thanks, I feel a lot better. 
19920108	Dilbert: Why should I get up today? What is my purpose in life? I'm hungry. A toasted bagel would taste great. Maybe the purpose of life is eating bagels. Dogbert: You shouldn't try to think on an empty stomach. 
19920109	Ratbert: Snack time, Dilbert! I brought an apple so you will like me! Dilbert: Nice try, Ratbert, but I don't want to eat something that was touched by a rat. Ratbert: The worst part is that's why I didn't eat it myself. 
19920110	Dilbert: I don't know why we even bother holding meetings on Friday afternoons... I mean, everybody is brain-dead by now. Is this really productive? Engineer: Hmm...Productive? Hmm... Dilbert: I'm too late. 
19920111	Telephone: Rrrring. Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this an inconvenient time for you? Dilbert: No. Telephone: Oh, then we'll call back later. 
19920112	Ratbert: The great thing about this country is that we have freedom of speech! Is it okay to say that? Dogbert: Hmm...Let's see if it's on the free speech checklist... Okay, you didn't advocate overthrowing the government... You were not obscene...You did not generalize about a disadvantaged group...You did not teach children anything useful or practical... You didn't refer to anybody who can afford a lawyer to sue us... And there's nobody within hearing distance who can harm us financially...You're clear. Ratbert: God bless this country! Dogbert: WHOA! WHOA! 
19920114	Sign: Dogbert's jail for the Rich and Famous. Rich Man: Checking in. Dogbert: Your record says you stole three billion dollars from investors. Rich Man: Ha ha ha ha ha. Dogbert: I guess you've learned your lesson. Rich Man: Whoa! Looks like my jail term is almost over! 
19920119	Dilbert: Uncle Ned, can we see your hunting trophies after dinner? Oooh... Ned: I bagged this one at the zoo. Dilbert: The zoo? That's illegal. Ned: No wonder everybody got so excited. These are some doves I killed with help from my loyal dog, Rusty. That's Rusty. We ran out of doves... These were my neighbors -- Florence, Dave and Muffin. Dilbert: Hey, look at the time! Got to run! Ned: Don't you want to see my "hall-o'-postal employees"? Dilbert: New rule: Find out their hobbies before you eat their pot roast. Dogbert: We should have stayed for the "hall-o'-postal employees." 
19920120	Dogbert: I've decided to become an inside trader of stocks. Paper: News. Dilbert: Inside trading is illegal. Besides, where will you get your information? Dogbert: Shhh...I hear a board meeting starting in San Francisco. 
19920121	Dogbert: I can execute my stock transactions on-line with the PC. There...my insider trading netted another sixty million dollars. Dilbert: Bad dog! I suppose it's too late to try slapping him with a rolled-up newspaper. 
19920122	Dogbert: Thank you all for coming. I called this house meeting because somebody tipped off the authorities about my insider stock trading. Somebody in this room is a rat. Ratbert: Figuratively speaking? 
19920123	Dogbert: I thought you were my friend, Ratbert. Why did you tip off the authorities about my insider stock trading? Ratbert: I was afraid that if you kept the money you would leave and I'd never see you again. Dogbert: Really? Gee... Did they give you a reward? Ratbert: Yeah, I'm outta here! 
19920126	Dogbert: I have a solution for your dating dilemma. At your age there are more single men than single women. Worse yet, all of the single women are dating married men or serial killers. But the statistics eventually favor men. Dilbert: Really? How? Dogbert: At age 80 there are THREE TIMES as many available women as men because men die younger. Dilbert: Are you saying I should wait until I'm old...and date 80-year-old women? Dogbert: No. I wouldn't wait... 
19920127	Dilbert: I hope Dogbert doesn't get jealous of my new goldfish. Paper: News. (FLUSH.) Dogbert: Have you noticed that Goldie was looking a bit depressed? Paper: News. 
19920130	Wally: How's the new guy doing? Dilbert: He's extremely productive. We think he's one of those bureaucracy savants. 
19920131	Cowboy: I was skeptical about hiring a dog as our new square-dance caller, but your resume is impressive. I didn't even know you could win a Pulitzer prize for square-dance calling. Wow! And you're already in the Alberdeen hall of dung! 
19920201	Dogbert: Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... Uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know...I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, write bad checks all over the place, flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, get a divorce and lose your house...Uh...Dosey-do. 
19920202	Dilbert: Carol, if you have any suggestions on my report, let me know. Carol: What kind of ridiculous tripe are you pushing?? I spit on your report! (Ptoo! Ptoo!) I should burn it to ashes, but I won't... Because I'd rather dance on your grave after people read this! HA HA HA HA! Crawl back into your hole, you fly-infested bucket of dead carp!! DIE! DIE! DIE! Dilbert: Next time I'm just gonna say "Carol, make some copies." Wally: The secretaries here have way too much power. 
19920203	Genius: You seem like a bright fellow; Have you considered joining MENSA? Dilbert: Is that the group with genius IQs? Genius: Precisely correct. I'm president of the local chapter. Dilbert: If we're so smart, why do we work here? Genius: Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think. 
19920205	Dogbert: You joined what? Dilbert: MENSA. It's a group of people with genius IQs. I'm hoping it will be a good way to network and enhance my career. Garbageman: I heard you joined our MENSA group...I hope you can make it to the career expo. 
19920207	Ratbert: I just realized that some carbon molecules must be shaped like hollow geodesic balls!! ERK!!! Dogbert: That's what happens when a flash of insight hits the wrong place. 
19920208	Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called "time" and "cause and effect" exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish. 
19920216	Janet: I've decided to have plastic surgery. Dilbert: Frankly, I think it's the right decision. Maybe then nobody will call you "Toucan Sam" behind your back in the cafeteria every day. Norman: Ooh, and remember when the summer intern left? The joke was "maybe Janet accidentally snorted him up her nose." Janet: Actually, I'm only going to have my lips puffed. Norman: I hope the nurses are tethered down. Dilbert: I got off easy...Poor Norman got snorted. 
19920223	Sign: BANK OF ETHEL. Now a secret Swiss bank. Dilbert: I'd like to withdraw two hundred dollars. Ethel: What's your secret Swiss account number? Dilbert: I don't have a secret account. It's just a regular account. Ethel: Wrong. I changed all of the accounts into secret Swiss accounts. Dilbert: Oh, okay. What's my secret account number? Ethel: It's a secret. Dilbert: Then how do I get my money out? Ethel: You're a bit slow in grasping the concept here. Dilbert: Okay, okay. I'll just open a new account. Ethel: Do you have any previous banking references? 
19920227	Dogbert: Ratbert, I'm looking for a vice president for my ticket. I need somebody who is so inept and simple-minded that I always look good in comparison. Ratbert: I don't understand. Dogbert: Okay, okay, you've got the job. 
19920229	Garbageman: The key to winning the election is voter turnout. To be specific, you want everybody to stay home except you. I've worked up a little ad campaign. Poster: He touched the voting booth before you did. And he never washes his hands. 
19920301	Caption: Dogbert presents the seven advantages of being dumb. #1. Impending doom doesn't bother you. Dilbert: There's a hole in the ozone layer. Bob: Cool! Caption: #2. Television is a source of constant wonder. Bob: I wonder if Doogie is a doctor in real life. Caption: #3. You have a solution for every problem. Bob: If people are starving in Africa they should move to France. Caption: #4. You are not constrained by a budget. Bob: It was free! They just make you sign papers! Caption: #5. You've seen Elvis frequently. Bob: It's the king! Caption: #6. Instant replays are as exciting as live action. Bob: This time he could make it. Caption: #7. You receive twice as many compliments. Dogbert: You're kind of the Dan Quayle of dinosaurs. Bob: Really?! Wow! 
19920303	Dogbert: I'm going to host my own television show. It's called "Dogbert's World of Amazingly Ignorant People." Of course, I'll film you in shadows and alter your voice electronically. Dilbert: That's very considerate. 
19920304	Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's world of amazingly ignorant people. Tonight we'll visit people who don't understand economics but talk about it anyway. Man 1: So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the SAME as before. Man 2: That isn't fair. 
19920305	Dogbert: On this episode of "Dogbert's amazingly ignorant people" we ask people to find Australia on the globe. Woman: Is that the place with the Alps or the kangaroos? Man: I think it's in London. Dogbert: When we return, inspiration becomes bitter disappointment. Woman: Hey! Who says it has to be on the OUTSIDE? 
19920306	Dogbert: On today's episode of "Dogbert's Amazingly Ignorant People" we talk to people who don't know history. How many people perished because of World War II? Man: Uh...400? Dogbert: The answer is fifty million. Man: Oh...Rounding. 
19920307	Ratbert: What product are we testing today, Doc? Scientist: We'll be testing the safety of cosmetics. This will be your most dangerous assignment. Ratbert: Sometimes I hate this job. Men: HEY BABY!! WHOA!! WHOA!! 
19920309	Dilbert: How was your day, Dogbert? Dogbert: Hey! What's that smell? Just as I suspected -- You stopped to pet the neighbor's cat! Dilbert: It meant nothing. It was more of a pat then a pet. Dogbert: Save your lies for the trial. 
19920318	Dogbert: I've been using false humility to weasel compliments out of people... But I know you're way too smart to fall for that trick, Ratbert. Ratbert: Actually, I'm dumb as toast. Dogbert: Then I found I could use false compliments to make people insult themselves. 
19920319	Dogbert: It's easy to make insecure people insult themselves. Good morning, Ma'am. you look thin and sexy today! Woman: Sexy?! Ha! I'm a whale...A whale with a bad hairdo! Dogbert: Next. 
19920321	Dogbert: I bought some "smart pills" for you. They're made from Chinese herbs. I saw a news story about these...and naturally I thought of you. I discovered the perfect gift item. 
19920328	Alice: Willy, there's a mouse in my office. Please get rid of it. Willy: Haw haw! Twenty-five years of the so-called women's movement and nothing is different! Alice: Do it now, or I'll fire your butt. Willy: This part is a little different. 
19920401	Dogbert: So, Mister President, a tax rebate for dogs is the only fair way to stimulate the economy. Because then you get a Keynesian free market multiplier effect to boost your GNP up the supply side of the curve. President: Are you POSITIVE that dogs can vote? Dogbert: Now, r-e-e-l him in... 
19920403	Dilbert: ...So, then I thought, ha! Maybe there's a bug in the compiler program itself! AAAGH! Maybe that story went on a little long... Woman: What gave it away? 
19920404	Dogbert: Have you heard about the Idaho flu that's going around? At first you feel perfectly healthy...then bam, you die. Dilbert: Hey, I feel perfectly healthy right now. Dogbert: My work here is done. 
19920406	Boss: Dilbert, I'm putting you on a rotational assignment... You will be working in marketing until further notice. Sign: MARKETING -- Two drink minimum. 
19920407	Caption: Dilbert is transferred to marketing. Marketer: You look lost. Dilbert: I never knew that marketing was like this...Do you people do any work? Marketer: Well, not on "barbecue Tuesday." Are you staying for lunch? It's unicorn! 
19920410	Marketer: Think of the company as a person. We in marketing would be the "brains." The sales department would be the "body." Dilbert: What's engineering. Marketer: The snot. 
19920413	Ratbert: Why does Dogbert always get to sit on your legs and I never do? Dilbert: Because Dogbert is my best friend and you're just a disease-carrying vermin. Ratbert: Maybe this isn't the time to launch my "family hug time" concept. 
19920417	Dilbert: I sit here motionless while the boss reads my report. I can't talk while he's reading, and I don't have anything of my own to read... Boss: I wonder how long I can make him sit there feeling uncomfortable? Dilbert: A hundred bottles of beer on the wall... 
19920418	Ratbert: The mighty hunter strikes his wily prey! The hunter is awash in manly hormones. He has mastered his sport and conquered one of natures best. I used to feel guilty about this until I realized it's a sport. 
19920424	Woman: MPHF! AACK! COUGH! HMP! GURGLE! Dilbert: If you're pretending to choke to death to end our date early, it won't work. Like I haven't seen that trick a jillion times. 
19920425	Ratbert: I'm having a crisis of self image. So I, as a rat, add any value to the world? Or do I simply deplete its resources, then die? Oh...sorry...I sucked all the music out of the room. 
19920428	Meditator: To reach cosmic joy you must give away all of your possessions. Dilbert: What if I give everything away but still do not achieve cosmic joy? Meditator: Then the cosmic joy is on you. Dilbert: I'm starting to see how this works. 
19920429	Dilbert: Here's my report. It's some of my best work. Shredder: Bzzzzzzzt! Dilbert: I hate that porta-shredder Boss: Say, is that a silk necktie? 
19920502	Ratbert: Dogbert, sometimes I think you're the only one who respects me. Dogbert: Wrong. Ratbert: Maybe I should drop it while there's still some ambiguity. 
19920504	Cabinet: Office supplies. Engineer: Wow! A fresh shipment! Mine! All mine! Dilbert: While you were up, someone took your desk. 
19920505	Dilbert: Hi...Are you new here? I've never seen you before. Co-worker: I'm the lost employee...I've been hiding in the bureaucracy since the fifties...Paid but forgotten. Dilbert: Wouldn't THAT be the perfect job... 
19920507	Dogbert: I've made little progress toward my goal of being supreme ruler of Earth. Obviously it's not my fault. Somebody else must be to blame. Dilbert: I hate it when he just stares. 
19920508	Boss: Sometimes you have to move forward just to stay where you are. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. How can we use our strengths against our competitors' weaknesses? Dilbert: We could bore them to death with your cliches. 
19920511	Dogbert: I'm going to open the "Dogbert advertising company." Paper: News. Dogbert: Apparently, people will believe just about anything that makes them feel good. Dilbert: Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence. Dogbert: I could never underestimate your intelligence. Dilbert: Apology accepted. 
19920513	Salesman 1: We like your proposed ad campaign, Dogbert, but we think it needs some scantily clad women in it. Dogbert: Gentlemen, this is the nineties. That concept is offensive and out-dated. Salesman 1: Ooh-ooh! What is they had jobs? Salesman 2: Bikini lawyers in skates! 
19920516	Bald Man: I'm feeling confident today with what appears to be a full head of hair. Nobody suspects that I'm actually combing the hair that grows in my ears over the top of my otherwise bald head. It's amazing how clueless these people are. 
19920522	Boss: Dave, I hear that you've started cutting your own hair... I'm afraid I'll have to drop you from the management fast-track program. Lucky we caught that one before he got too far. 
19920523	Woman: ...So then I spent a year in Europe and blah blah blah blah. Dilbert: Hey, I think I can see your brain through your nose! Anyway...You were saying? 
19920528	Boss: I need an outside consultant like you to help with lay-offs. My main concern is to minimize the pain and hardship that goes with this. Dogbert: With generous severance pay? Boss: No. I think that would only make my pain and suffering worse. 
19920530	Boss: My consultant advised me to handle the lay-offs in a direct, professional way. So, throughout the day I'll be sneaking up on people and stamping "canceled" on their backs. Employee: Let me see if I understand... Boss: Hey! Is that the Goodyear blimp? 
19920605	Ratbert: All week I've been watching violent movies at the lab. A group of parents are studying me to see if I become inured to violence. Dogbert: Are you? Ratbert: Yeah. I'm planning to gnaw the parents to death tomorrow. 
19920606	Woman: I don't know what we can do to meet more men. Dilbert: Hi, my name is Dilbert. Woman: Get lost...I'm armed. And the men we do meet all have that same stunned bunny look. 
19920608	Boss: We've got to make drastic changes to keep up with the competition. That's why I've had these little note pads made that say "quality." Dilbert: Isn't it spelled with a "u"? 
19920609	Boss: What the department needs is a slogan to inspire us. Our new slogan is "we are quality." Alice: Suddenly I feel like working long hours for no extra pay. Boss: It's working! 
19920615	Dilbert: What did you do to your hair? Dogbert: It's for my new television show, "Healing for dollars." People send more money if you have this kind of hair. Wife: It might be a trick. Husband: That's what I thought until I saw his hair Television: Checks or money orders. 
19920618	Boss: I'm proud to announce that the company had found yet another way to dehumanize the employees. From now on you will wear identification badges at work. This symbolizes that people who look like you are often criminals. Oh...and the cafeteria is closed. We'll just lay down some alfalfa in the break room. 
19920619	Dilbert: Maybe Ted can answer that question... Ted: Uh-oh. They're trying to make me work. I'll have to use body language to discourage them. Dilbert: Uh...never mind. Ted: It's working. 
19920620	Dilbert: I'd like to apply for a "Bank of Ethel" credit card. Ethel: Sit down and shut up. It's 21% interest plus surprisingly high annual fees. We'll do a credit check and a full body cavity search. Dilbert: ...And I had to smile the whole time because they were filming it for their television ads. Dogbert: You have to admire their attitude. 
19920622	Boss: Tell me what you've accomplished this year so I can write your performance appraisal. Dilbert: The inventions I made last year -- that you thought were worthless, will generate twelve million in license fees next year! Boss: So, no real accomplishments THIS year? 
19920627	Caption: Dogbert's school of common sense. Dogbert: This is the story of Clayton the auto mechanic. Clayton smoked cigars while working on gasoline engines. What problem did this cause? Slide: Boom. Clayton: He was hit by lightning every time? Dogbert: Does anybody besides Clayton have a guess? 
19920703	Dilbert: Lucky Airlines? I demand payment for the luggage I lost when we crashed into the mountain. No, technically it's not "lost."...Well, yes, I did eat your complimentary peanuts... Help me out here...So far, I've agreed to hot-wax their tarmac. 
19920704	Woman: Everybody in the office gets a turn holding my new baby. Ted: Next. Dilbert: Uh-oh...Sneeze coming. ACHOOO. Ooh! Look what he does when you sneeze on him. Ted: He looks like a prune! 
19920706	Accountant: Hi! I want to be your financial advisor. I've come to live with you. We'll eventually form a lifelong bond of trust and friendship. Dogbert: I liked it better when you guys just took our money. Accountant: I recommend a strategy called "churn." 
19920707	Accountant: I recommend our "churn 'n' burn" family of mutual funds. We'll turn your worthless equity into valuable brokerage fees in just three days! Dilbert: Is it risky? Accountant: Are you kidding?! We have actual brochures! 
19920708	Accountant: For the timid investor, I recommend our "perpetual certificates of deposit." They earn the highest possible interest. The only trade-off is that you can never withdraw it. Dilbert: Why don't I just fling my money out a window? Accountant: Ah, you've heard of our "flying debenture" product? 
19920709	Accountant: That's our new "strategic diversification fund." Our lawyers put your money in little bags, then we have trained dogs bury them around town. Dilbert: Do they bury the lawyers or the bags. Accountant: We've tried it both ways. 
19920710	Dilbert: I invested all of my money in stock options. Dogbert: What's an option? Dilbert: It's complicated...Basically, you give your money to a stock broker and he buys nice things for his family. Do you have any snide comments? Dogbert: No, you took all the fun out of it. 
19920711	Dogbert: Am I wrong or did you tell me you invested all of your money in stock options for a company called Zymed? Dilbert: Yes. Dogbert: The radio says the stock price tripled on takeover rumors. You just made about ten million dollars. But they say money can't buy happiness. Dilbert: Apparently "they" are idiots. 
19920713	Dilbert: I'm going to work like a regular guy even though I just made a fortune in the stock market. That's because I still want to be a useful and contributing member of society. And of course, the workplace is the second most satisfying place to gloat. Dogbert: Are you done here yet? 
19920716	Dilbert: Gee, Mary, you weren't willing to date me BEFORE I made millions in the stock market. I'm afraid you see me as just a big, talking wallet. Mary: You're much more than that. For example, you also wear thick glasses. Dilbert: Too little, too late. 
19920717	Dilbert: I've been miserable since I made my fortune in the stock market. Garbageman: It's the "law of found money." Nature won't allow us to keep money we find on the ground or find by chance. Don't resist; let your intuition guide you. Dilbert: This comes with a color monitor, right? 
19920718	Dilbert: I spent my entire fortune to buy this supercomputer. Dogbert: What does it do? Dilbert: It can calculate the value of pi to about a jillion decimal places... A lot of people TALK about the area of circles, but I'm DOING something about it. 
19920720	Dilbert: I'm using my new supercomputer to create a model that can predict your entire life. You see, everything, including your brain chemistry, is subject of predictable patterns of cause and effect... Dogbert: That's ridiculous. It implies that we have no free will. Dilbert: Next, you start getting really mad at me. 
19920727	Dilbert: What's this? Dogbert: I'm starting my own newsletter for clueless people. Thanks to the technical marvel of desktop publishing, clueless people will now have the benefit of my immense wisdom. Dilbert: How do you know who the clueless people are? Dogbert: They ask a lot of questions. 
19920730	Dogbert: Ratbert, I brought you a copy of the "Dogbert clueletter." The newsletter for clueless people. Ratbert: No thanks. I used to be clueless but I turned that situation around 360 degrees. "Dogbert's clues to conversational geometry..." 
19920731	Woman: Alice, Mary, let's go to the ladies room! I rented "Gone With The Wind." We can watch it on the big screen TV. Mary: I want the grey sofa! Wally: Hey, look! The men's room has SOAP!! 
19920801	Dilbert: I thought I was happy... Then I thought what if I only THINK I'm happy but I'm not. Maybe I've been hypnotized and don't even know it. Worrying about it made me unhappy, which means I must NOT be under hypnosis, so I'm happy. Dogbert: Maybe I only THINK you're talking but really I'm happy. 
19920803	Dilbert: Gee, Tim, you look awful. Tim: At first I had a mental block. But on the fourth day I was visited by an Incan monkey god who told me what to write. Dilbert: Wow, lucky break. Tim: Now I just have to find somebody who can translate his simple but beautiful language. 
19920804	Boss: I understand you've been going without sleep or food for days just to meet some artificial deadline. Tim: Ergle, flumg. Boss: As a result, your work has been muddle-brained and incomprehensible. You leave me no choice, Tim. Tim: Gleeb, nub. Wally: Tim got promoted to division manager. Dilbert: I wonder if he knows it. 
19920805	Tim: I've sacrificed my health, my personal life and my soul to get promoted. Ha ha ha! But it was all worth it because I have an office with a DOOR and you still work in a cubicle! Maybe I'll host a special "low-achiever day" to let you touch my door. Dilbert: Oops. 
19920806	Announcer: A farmer in Windham claims that the face of Saint Theresa appeared in a can of varnish. Worshippers are flocking to the farm to witness the miracle. "I should charge for admission" quipped the farmer. Dogbert: Guess what I found in the peanut butter. Dilbert: Please let it be a bug. 
19920807	Dogbert: It's a miracle, Ratbert. The image of Saint Ted appeared in my jar of peanut butter! Ratbert: Saint Ted? Who ever heard of Saint Ted? Couldn't you get Saint Theresa? Dogbert: She was booked to a can of varnish in upstate New York. Ratbert: Saint Ted looks like a "happy face." 
19920808	Reporter: People have traveled from all over to see the miracle of the peanut butter. Dogbert: Step right up...Just ten bucks to see the face of Saint Ted appearing in my jar of peanut butter. Sign: $10. Customer 1: Ooh! And I see Elvis in the Jello! Customer 2: Only the king moves like that! 
19920810	Dogbert: The mighty warrior prepares for battle... Today, bold memos will be written, dangerous meetings will be attended, and many a photocopied image will be captured for eternity. Dilbert: If it weren't for sarcasm, my life would sound pathetic. Dogbert: Glad to help. 
19920811	Woman: I haven't dated much since I came down with puppetitis. It's a rare disorder that makes your hand act like a puppet. Dilbert: That's weird. HandPuppet: He hates us! We must kill him! Woman: Not yet, Ginger! 
19920812	Woman: I caught the disease puppetitis from somebody I dated. Hand: Ha ha! That's right! Now her hand is a puppet! Dilbert: I hate the nineties. Hand: Join us...Don't be afraid. 
19920814	Boss: Let's see if my idea of using an electric cattle prod will boost employee productivity. (ZAP!) Mental note: Hold rubber end. 
19920815	Dogbert: Don't think of yourself as the least intelligent creature in this room... If you consider the entire planet, you're smarter than literally hundreds of people. Dilbert: Have you ever considered taking up a hobby? Dogbert: This IS my hobby. 
19920817	Dilbert: It must be great to be a security guard. You have the entire day to let your mind transport you to magic realms of wonder and creativity. Guard: I wonder what balsa wood tastes like. 
19920818	Sign: Marriage counselor. Dogbert: I can see your problem. I recommend massive plastic surgery for both of you...and your personalities are bad, too; pretend to be other people. Couple: Should we try to communicate more? Dogbert: No, that's just begging for trouble. 
19920819	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Dogbert: I'd like to try some visualization exercises. Imagine the two of you watching a beautiful sunset. You're on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Bob, try not to get ahead of me. Bob: Shove. 
19920820	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Man: We have a running fight over how to squeeze the tube of toothpaste. I like to squeeze it from the bottom. She prefers to empty the tube on the rug and roll around in it. Dogbert: At night, does she "hog" the blankets and snort? Man: Wow, it's like you know her. 
19920821	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Woman: I fell in love with him because he had a great car... It wasn't until later that I realized he has the personality of mildew. Dogbert: Have you tried spraying him with Lysol? Woman: Yeah, it only makes him dizzy. 
19920822	Signs: Bill's big 'n' egg-shaped men's fashions / Specializing in the ovoid man / Open. Dilbert: I want some clothes that make a statement. Salesman: All our clothes make a statement. This sweater says "help me, help me, I look like a big egg!" Dilbert: Does it come in brown? 
19920824	Boss: There are two good articles in the paper today: One about magnets, and one on sign language. I'd like you to write a white paper on how these items could influence the project you're working on. Dilbert: Do you even know what project I'm working on? Boss: I don't have time to get into minutia. 
19920825	Boss: Let's begin by going around the table and introducing ourselves. Dilbert: I'm Dilbert. I've worked for you for five years. Alice: Alice, I've worked for you for ten years. Albert: Albert, six years. Sally: Sally, eight years. Boss: I KNEW these people looked familiar. 
19920826	Engineer: Thank you all for coming. There's no specific agenda for this meeting... As usual, we'll just make unrelated emotional statements about things which bother us. I'll kick it off... There's never time to get any work done around here!! 
19920827	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to meet Ben, our newest fast-track manager. Dilbert: Hi. Boss: Ben has no real experience but he's very tall, so we know he'll go far. Ben: I also have executive style hair. Boss: We think it will turn silver. 
19920828	Dilbert: Hey, I haven't done a thing for minutes and yet I still get paid. Hoo-hoo-ha! I'm ripping off the evil corporate empire and there's nothing they can do about it! I have total power! I'd better keep this little secret to myself. Co-worker: Hey, I'm getting paid for doing nothing! 
19920829	Boss: Here's something else that's totally unimportant yet requires action. I'll route it to a subordinate, thus inflating its perceived importance and destroying both morale and productivity. What luck, I got two copies! 
19920831	Boss: I'm sending all of you to the "rivers and trees" management course. There you'll be asked to perform a variety of dangerous tasks in the woods. Your survival will depend on your creativity and ability to work together. Dilbert: Oh, so it's a team-building exercise. Boss: I think of it more as a headcount reduction thing. 
19920904	Ratbert: I'm channeling all of my pain and hostility into my art. Dogbert: All I see is a bowl of fruit. Ratbert: The banana HATES the apple. 
19920907	Dilbert: It's called multimedia, Dogbert. Now I can include video and music with my computer programs. This morning I added my face plus the theme song from "Star Wars" to my budget spreadsheet. I already forgot how I survived without it. Dogbert: It can get pretty ugly when science and art collide. 
19920908	Programmer: When I started programming, we didn't have any of these sissy "icons" and "windows." All we had were zeros and ones -- and sometimes we didn't have ones. I wrote an entire database program using only zeros. Dilbert: You had zeros? We had to use the letter "O." 
19920910	Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words. Dilbert: A little knowledge can be a ridiculous thing. Boss: He probably hasn't heard me yet. 
19920912	Dilbert: Why do women write letters to guys who are in prison? Maybe is I commit a crime I can go to prison just long enough to improve my social life. Dogbert: Why not do a personals ad instead? Dilbert: That's more of a last resort. 
19920914	Lobbyist: We must use all of the resources of the "cow and egg" lobby to counter the latest threat from the vegetarians. Somehow they've managed to link food with health...They invented a "nutrition pyramid" chart and got schools to use it... Teacher: Kids, this is a little different from the way I learned it... Chart: Bad: Meat; milk, beer. Gravel, bugs; beans, tofu; fruits, vegetables; bread, cereal, grain. 
19920916	Dilbert: Dogbert, I don't understand why you, or anybody, would become a vegetarian. Dogbert: You mean, why don't I take dead animals, cook them until they become carcinogenic, then eat them instead of something nutritious? Is that your question? Dilbert: Exactly. Is there any good reason? Have you joined a cult? Dogbert: Apparently. 
19920919	Dogbert: Vegetarians, we must march to the capitol to protest the killing of animals! Vegetarian: That's a mile away. Vegetarian: Can we all drive instead? Vegetarian: Or maybe write letters? Dogbert: Never lead a revolution of people who only own plastic and wooden shoes. Dilbert: I try to avoid it. Paper: News. 
19920922	Garbageman: From the looks of your garbage, you've invented some sort of molecule bifurcation communicator. Ah, yes. Einstein thought this type of thing might work. Physicist John Stuart Bell kind of fleshed it out in 1964. But you've really added something... Specifically, you've added this calculation error here. 
19920923	Manager: His name is Dilbert. He invented something that would make our entire product line obsolete. Executive: Do you have a plan? Manager: Uh...I could wax your desk with my hair again. Executive: It's just crazy enough to work. 
19920929	Dogbert: "Unmarried men commit ninety percent of all violent acts. They should all be jailed in advance to prevent further atrocities." "And I should become a media sensation for suggesting such a provocative thing. The end." It's hard to write a whole book when you're as gifted as I am at getting to the point. 
19920930	Host: My guest for today's show is Dogbert, author of the one-page book "Unmarried Men Are Scum." Your theory is that all unmarried men should be jailed for life, thus ending most crime. Dogbert: Exactly. Host: What if they try to beat the system by getting married? Dogbert: Serves 'em right. 
19921001	Ratbert: I'm following in your footsteps so I can be a demagogue too. Your book "Unmarried Men Are Scum: was so successful that I decided to write my own hate book disguised as science! I call it "Moles Are Morons." Dogbert: Were you aware that moles have a strong underground movement? 
19921002	Woman: I must warn you that I have an obsessive personality. If I spend a moment with a man I fall completely in love. I think of only him. I...I become his slave. Dilbert: Are you saying... Woman: Yes, I'm in love with our waiter. 
19921003	Dogbert: Have you ever had a strange dream or a nosebleed? Dilbert: Yes. Dogbert: It's clear that you're suppressing memories of being abducted by aliens. I can use hypnosis to get at those memories. Dilbert: What if the hypnosis itself makes me think it happened when it didn't? I'll be scorned and ridiculed for life. Dogbert: That's a risk I'm willing to take. 
19921013	Caption: They say everybody has a perfect match... And they say the key to a life of happiness... ...Is to avoid that person at all costs. Dilbert: Yuck. Woman: Yuck. Dogbert: Yuck. Cat: Yuck. 
19921015	Boss: I just received your employee suggestion. We'll handle it the usual way -- by making you sit under a wet blanket surrounded by imbeciles. Dilbert: At least there's a process. Imbecile: Explain your suggestion again. 
19921016	Woman: Most handsome men are self-centered jerks. But you're different...You're... Dilbert: Considerate? Woman: Ugly. 
19921017	Dogbert: Remember the time you laughed at your own joke so hard that you inhaled and snorted at the same time? Paper: News. Dogbert: Then you choked on your own spit, which caused you to lurch over and bonk your head on the coffee table... Dilbert: I'm ignoring you. Dogbert: Who says life is boring? Paper: News. 
19921019	Dogbert: I've decided to become a doctor. People have to suck up to doctors, otherwise they stick big needles into your body for practically no reason at all. A lot of careers don't offer that kind of opportunity. Dilbert: Yeah, it's not the same with a stapler. 
19921020	Dogbert: Hold still while Doctor Dogbert whacks your knee. (Tap.) Patient: Aak...Crime is society's fault...Raise taxes to feed the poor...Stop nuclear research...Save the... Dogbert: Apparently you're a knee-jerk liberal. You can live a normal life but you'll be annoying at parties. 
19921023	Sign: Dogbert's dating service. Customer: I'd like to sign up. Although deep down I know that all of the people in your service are men, I cling to the fantasy of meeting the woman who modeled for your brochure. Dogbert: She's taken, but I can match you with somebody names "Francis" or "Kris." Customer: There's hope! 
19921027	Dogbert: Welcome to the "Dogbert time management lecture series." Sorry I'm an hour late, but I was giving another lecture across town...In effect, I'll complete two jobs while you sit in the dark like stunned cattle. I don't mean to rub it in, but moooo... 
19921029	Dogbert: I'm afraid your company is being hit by an el nino circadian trough. Boss: What's that? Dogbert: Once a decade, the natural body rhythms of all the employees reach their mental low point at the same time. It's best to avoid any form of mental activity. Boss: STAFF MEETING! 
19921030	Presenter: Let me show you where the information is in your binder. First, I'll need a good load of saliva on my page-turning hand. Dilbert: Maybe you can show me in YOUR binder. Presenter: Can't...Somehow my pages got all stuck together. 
19921105	Dilbert: Sometimes I worry that I'll never be creative again. Maybe my best ideas are behind me. Wally: Oh, I wouldn't worry. Nothing you've done up to now has been any great shakes either. Dilbert: Ooh, so maybe my best work is still ahead of me. Wally: Well, you have to consider the track record here. 
19921107	Ratbert: Why are you so glum? Dilbert: It's lonely when Dogbert is away. Ratbert: Lonely? Ha! Let me entertain you with a little dance number. Then we'll bond and I'll replace Dogbert as your best friend! Dilbert: Now I'm lonely and I have a dancing rat. Ratbert: Kumbaya. 
19921110	Coworker 1: What?! You think I'll help you just because I'm your co-worker?? Ha! I hate co-workers! Dilbert: All I need is... Coworker 1: I hate this job! I hate everything! The only thing I like is being mean to co-workers who need the vital information that I control! Coworker 2: If you think YOU hate him, you should try being his secretary. 
19921111	Ted: Everybody pick a straw. The loser has to kill our abusive co-worker, Floyd. Dilbert loses. He picked the blue straw. Dilbert: I thought the SHORT straw loses. Ted: You're already a murderer; Don't be a cheater too. 
19921125	Dogbert: I always thought you beavers were busy all the time. Beaver: That's a common stereotype. I'm actually quite lazy. Dogbert: How do you build your beaver home? Beaver: I rent. 
19921130	Dogbert: What do you think of my disguise? I'm going to tell the media that I'm a space alien with unstoppable powers. With luck, the nations of the world will surrender without a fight. Dilbert: You think people are idiots...Don't you? Dogbert: This is what I looked like before the disguise. 
19921201	Dogbert: As my antennae clearly prove, I'm a space alien with incredible powers. I call on the nations of the world to surrender. Otherwise, I will cause your stock markets to fall. Caption: Later. Television: The market fell five points today. Analysts blame high interest rates and aliens. Dogbert: Yes! 
19921209	Boss: I'm using humor at work to ease tension and improve our creativity. (WHUMP!) HA HA HA HA! That loosened him up. 
19921210	Dilbert: What's the story with the costume, Wally? Wally: The boss put me on a special task force to see if humor increases creativity. I have to dress like this for a month. Dilbert: Are you feeling more creative? Wally: Yeah. I've already thought of six hundred ways to kill him. 
19921211	Boss: As part of my program to use more humor at work, I'm asking each of you to wear a "kick me" sign. I'll check later to see if you're more relaxed and creative. Caption: Later... Boss: You seem to be taking unfair advantage of the situation, Alice. 
19921214	Boss: Dilbert, you're being temporarily transferred to the field sales organization. Normally we use these assignments to round somebody out for management. But in this case I'm just yanking your chain! Dilbert: You're overcommunicating again, sir. Boss: Plus, I hate the manager of sales. 
19921215	Tina: So...Dilbert, welcome to the sales department. I'm Tina, your new boss. As the new guy, you get the customers who despise our products and want to hurt us personally. Customer: I hate you! I hate you! Tina: You'll be selling to the small business market. He's your best account. 
19921216	Instructor: Welcome to sales training. As you know, our company makes overpriced, inferior products. We try to compensate by setting high sales quotas. We don't ASK you to act illegally, but it's pretty much the only way to reach quota. Okay, that's it for training. Any questions? 
19921217	Caption: Dilbert the Salesman... Customer: Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy from his company. What's your offer? Dilbert: I'll give you my house for Helga. Customer: You're new at this... 
19921230	Dilbert: My vast array of personal technology makes me dominant over the less-equipped engineers. I am superior to them all...with the possible exception of... Techno-Bill! Bill: Looks like somebody just had a fax. 
19930101	Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. Dilbert: According to my calculations it didn't start with a "big bang" at all -- it was more of a "phhbwt" sound. Dilbert: You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "little phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away. 
19930102	Dilbert: Then, Ratbert, the weight of the universe collapsed in on itself until all of existence could fit into a thimble! Ratbert: Why would there be a thimble in space? Dilbert: Uh... there wouldn't... Ratbert: Boy, it didn't take long to spot the gaping logical flaw in that theory. 
19930104	pointy haired boss: everybody take one and fasten it securely around your head pointy haired boss: from time to time I'll use my "belt-o-authority" to send you painful electric shocks dilbert: when our performance is bad? pointy haired boss: that's one theory, sure
19930110	Dilbert: Dogbert, I've found a way to improve the quality of life around here. I've catalogued and prioritized all of the things that bother me. Study the list so you'll know what behaviors are unacceptable. Dogbert: Wow! Thanks! This is a real bonanza! You're right. This certainly will improve the quality of my life! I think I'll do a "top hundred" countdown. This could amuse me for months. Dilbert: That didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Dogbert: Number 73: "Clipping my toenails near your soup." Dilbert: That had better be an onion there. 
19930117	Dilbert: Help! Dogbert, I'm being sucked into cyberspace! AAAAGH!! Dogbert: Let's hope you don't need pants in cyberspace. Dilbert: Wow! It's like a "Calvin and Hobbes: fantasy but without the artistic look to it. It's beautiful! I'm interfacing with the minds of brilliant people from around the globe. Sign: Internet. Dilbert: I can see how all their ideas and knowledge fit together! It's exhilerating! Sign: E-mail. Dilbert: How can I ever describe this to somebody who hasn't been here? Sign: Exit. Dilbert: ...And I didn't even need pants!! Woman: So, you're some kind of nerd, right? 
19930119	Boss: To protect our environment, I've ordered that ink be removed from all copiers, printers and pens. Research shows that many squids can be spared by reducing our ink usage. Dilbert: I don't think we get our ink from squids, sir. Boss: Oh, right...Next you'll say we don't get our "Elmer's" glue from cows. 
19930120	Boss: First on the agenda is a discussion of the company's new paper recycling program. Dilbert: We talked about that last time...Hey, this is last week's agenda. Boss: You spotted the one drawback. 
19930123	Caption: Dogbert is a romance interpreter. Dogbert: He's telling you how to logically solve all of the emotional problems you seem to have. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Dogbert: We reasons that if he can fix your problems he won't have to hear about them anymore. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Dogbert: He hopes that the wisdom and compassion he just faked was enough to arouse you. Now he will talk about himself. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. 
19930124	Co-worker1: Maybe Dilbert can tell us if our plan is technically feasible. Dilbert: For dramatic effect I'll scoff loudly. I'll just sort of laugh and snort and take a breath at the same time. (Snork.) Oh-no! Some spittle went down my air pipe...I'm choking. (Mmph. Gaak.) Co-worker2: Should we do something? Co-worker3: We're over our headcount, you know. Dilbert: ...And so I survived, but my professional credibility took a hit. Dogbert: You knew the risks when you became an engineer. 
19930128	Accountant: Whoa whoa! I just got an idea that could change everything... What if we LOWERED expenses and INCREASED revenues? That could help our financial situation. AAAGH! I CAN'T SEE!!! Dilbert: Sounds like a blinding flash of the obvious, sir. 
19930131	Boss: Before I read your proposal, run it past our legal department. Dilbert: Groan. Boss: That's the end of that. Lawyer: I didn't have to become a corporate lawyer. I could be a trial lawyer or a judge, you know. But I chose to work here at this unglamorous position. Consequently, I have a bad attitude and I'm going to take it out on you. Your proposal does nothing to help MY career. And if I approve it and we get sued later, then I'll get in trouble. In a month or so I'll formally reject your idea with a neatly typed but oddly worded memo. Boss: Did he reject your proposal yet? Dilbert: Yeah. And he filed a lawsuit against me. 
19930206	Wendell J. Stone the Fourth: Hi, guys. I'm Wendell J. Stone the Fourth, recent Stanford MBA and brand new to the workforce. Wally: Look, "Wen-dull," we aren't impressed by your education. At this company it's the quality of your work that counts! Wendell J. Stone the Fourth: I'm your new senior vice president, and I want you to lick the tar off my Porsche now. Wally: Okay, but watch the quality of my work! Dilbert:
19930207	Reporter: The budget for education was cut ten million dollars. Dogbert: Is that a big percentage? Does it make any difference? Reporter: Congress considered a music safety law after studies showed a ten percent increase in piano-related deaths. Dogbert: How does that compare to other health risks? Should I be concerned? Reporter: Lawmakers debated a bill to lower capital gain tax rates... Dogbert: What do most economists think? Would it stimulate the economy much? Should I care? Reporter: A new poll shows that many voters have strong opinions on these issues despite the fact that we provide no useful contextual data. Dogbert: I've got to stop watching scary shows right before bedtime. 
19930211	Dilbert: Here is the monthly report you asked for. Pointy haired boss: It's the worst report, I have ever seen. Dilbert: It could have been even worse had I worked on it.
19930215	Boss: In order to build team spirit I've decided you should have lunch together once a week. I won't be there myself because it would seriously cut into my free time. Besides, it's my job to motivate, not get bogged down in the details. 
19930216	Dilbert: What are you up to, Ted? Ted: I'm working like a dog lately. Dilbert: I'd better not ask. Ted: (Scratch scratch.) 
19930217	Susan: I found a typo in the budget spreadsheet...It's too late to fix it. We transferred one job to another group but accidentally kept the money and headcount. Boss: ...So, we still pay you but you aren't allowed to do work. Engineer: This is the happiest day of my life. 
19930221	Sign: Dogbert's digital dating service. Man: I'm a loser. Sign me up. Dogbert: Say "Velveeta." Now we digitize your picture for the database. I could add some digital hair. Man: Good idea. Dogbert: Maybe I should bob your nose and give you a tan. Man: That's fair. Dogbert: Whiten teeth? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Smooth wrinkles? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Hide stomach? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Thicken lips? Man: Yes. I look like Sandra Bernhard. Dogbert: Yeah, but you have to admit it improves your odds. 
19930224	Dilbert: I'm going to pull Ratbert out of the hole in space before anything bad happens. Ratbert: ...Although only a minute passed in this dimension, I've been floating in the other dimension for three hundred thousand years. Dilbert: Wow! It's lucky I didn't reach in there with my watch hand! Ratbert: YES I WAS BORED!!! THANKS FOR ASKING!! 
19930226	Pointy haired boss: We're having a department bowling night tomorrow. It's my way of rewarding all of you for your performance this quarter.  Dilbert: We hate doing things together at night.  Pointy haired boss: I wasn't happy with your performance.
19930227	Dog: Would you like to pose for my new calendar, "the men of engineering"? I hope to dispel the myth that engineers are out of shape and unaware of what others are thinking.  Dilbert: I'm still kind of "pumped" from using the mouse.  Dog: Take off your shirt.
19930301	Dilbert co-worker: Hi, I'm Tim Zumph, writer of the famous memo of February third, 1978... I remember it so clearly. My boss walked right up and said "nice memo, Tim." And it wasn't even time for my annual performance review. I still keep a copy with me.  Bald co-worker: typo...
19930302	Pointy haired boss: from now on, your raises will be partly dependent on an evalutaion by your co-workers.  Bald co-worker: Hypothetically, if my co-workers got small raises then wouldn't there be more available in the budget for me?  Pointu haired boss: That didn't last long, even by our standards.
19930303	Boss: I've been saying for years that "employees are our most valuable asset." It turns out that I was wrong. Money is our most valuable asset. Employees are ninth. Wally: I'm afraid to ask what came in eighth. Boss: Carbon paper. 
19930305	Dilbert: Gee, Linda, if you don't mind some constructive criticism, that dress makes you look pudgy.  Linda: Haaiii!!!  Dilbert: I still don't understand women, but I think when they yell "Haaiii" it means they like the dress they're wearing
19930308	Dogbert: I just read that a new computer chip is on the market. Your machine is out of date. Dogbert: You're behind the curve. Technology is racing ahead without you. You're no longer state-of the-art or leading edge. Sometimes people like you can get jobs in museums. Dilbert: I BOUGHT THIS THING YESTERDAY!! 
19930310	Salesman: Laptop computers are outdated. You want our new fingernail models. Signs: Sale -- 50 cents / New. You glue them permanently to each nail. They sense where each finger is at all times. You don't need a keyboard. Of course, some people prefer that their computer not know where their fingers are at all times. Fingernail: Dave, about last night... 
19930311	Dogbert: I'm going to start a business as a professional insulter. Dogbert: For example, I would say to you, you're so ugly you have to wear a disguise on garbage pick-up day. Dilbert: That was uncalled for. Dogbert: Well, then no charge. 
19930312	Man: Yes? Dogbert: I have a Dogbert Insult-o-Gram from your ex-wife... Dogbert: You're so ugly, weather satellites won't photograph your town unless it's cloudy. Dogbert: The smarter people recognize this as a tipping situation. 
19930313	Dilbert: I'm not looking for romance. No, I just want to be friends. Date: That's all? But why?? Dilbert: Because you have a snout like a porpoise. Dilbert: When you use reverse psychology, it's best to leave out unflattering references to other mammals. 
19930314	Dilbert: Uh...Lisa. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me. Lisa: I can only date you if you survive the "challenge of fear." Dilbert: What is the "challenge of fear"? Lisa: It's a test of your manliness. First you must stick your head in the drawer as I slam it shut. Then I staple you to the employee bulletin board. Live weasels are stuffed in your pants. Finally, you must fling yourself down the elevator shaft! The weird thing is that THEY rule the world. Dilbert: Ready. 
19930316	Analyst: I summarized the budget impacts on six hundred projects with those three bullet points. Boss: "-Oxygen is good. -Competition is bad. -I like jello." Analyst: Do you think it's too detailed for the senior executives? Boss: Take out the "competition" one. 
19930317	Ratbert: I think I'm evolving into a flying rat. I noticed that my arms are flatter than my parents' arms. In a million years this natural advantage will become wings! Dogbert: There goes the happiest rat I know. Ratbert: Too soon. 
19930320	Clerk: That's $1.89. Dilbert: Just for simplicity, I'll give you $7.14. As an engineer, I feel a professional responsibility to make things easy for people. Clerk: ...Carry the three. 
19930321	Dogbert: Have you ever noticed how crabby people always get what they want? It defies all reason. Society should punish the crabby, but instead they get rewarded. So why fight it? I've decided to try the power of crabdom myself. Dilbert: I'm working. Could we talk later? Dogbert: Later?! Later?! Is my time worthless to you? What about MY needs? We'll talk NOW or we won't ever talk again!! Dilbert: Okay, okay! Let's talk. Or were you just testing the power of crabdom? Dogbert: Now you will dance for me. 
19930322	Boss: Your engineering knowledge is good, but I can't promote you to "prima donna." ...Unless you demonstrate a few more serious personality disorders. Dilbert: I can mumble. Boss: Sure, but can you do it with disdain for all of humanity? 
19930327	Dogbert: Looks easy enough. Book: Hypnosis for world conquest. Ratbert: Hi, Dogbert! What are you reading? Dogbert: Nothing. You will remember nothing. Ratbert: Who am I? Where am I? Dogbert: That was a little bit like sandblasting a soup cracker. 
19930328	Dilbert: Do you have a minute? Boss: Uh-oh, it's touchy-feely stuff. Dilbert: What's going to happen to our department? The rumors are flying. Boss: What have you heard? Dilbert: Rumor has it that flying lizards from the planet Zorb will buy the company. They plan to turn the employees into giant corn dogs on sticks. Boss: Don't worry about rumors. It's business as usual for now. Dilbert: Gulp* Boss: I think I handled that pretty well. Dilbert: Are you sure this will impress the Zorbians? Wally: I hear they like team players. 
19930403	Dogbert: This is Dogbert, master of Earth, with a message to all creatures... I realized that you are all unworthy of having me as your king. I am retiring to go sit on a soft pillow. Sign: Dogbert. Dogbert: No matter what I do, it always feels better when I stop doing it. 
19930407	Ratbert: I was wondering if we're a dysfunctional family. Dilbert: You're not a family member. You're a rat who won't go away. Ratbert: Suddenly I have the urge to rob a convenience store. 
19930409	Dilbert: I have to give a speech to the "society of engineers" today...I'm a bit nervous. Dogbert: Sometimes you can relax by imagining the audience is naked. Whoa! Cancel that. I just pictured four hundred naked engineers. Dilbert: Too late. 
19930410	Dilbert: ...As you approached the speed of light you would become infinitely dense. Dogbert: Then would you be forced to take a job as a high school gym teacher? Dilbert: The book changes subjects at this point. Dogbert: Sounds like a cover-up. 
19930411	Caption: A small band of the creatures were known to live high in an artificial structure. On my way to study them I took note of the native vegetation. Dogbert: Rented. Caption: The younger males were at play. They became self-conscious when watched. The dominant male had a gray back. He controlled the others by waving little envelopes. There were few females in the group. The less dominant males had no chance of mating. Unlike other species they had no instinct for grooming. Man: Want to groom? Wally: Drop dead. Caption: My time was up. But I will miss them, those... Engineers in the mist. Wally: How long are you supposed to microwave popcorn? 
19930412	Wally: Don't get too close -- I found out that my baldness is caused by too much testosterone. Now with my hair gone I'm afraid the testosterone will start flinging out of my pores. Ted: Hey! You got some on my shirt! Wally: Do you have a problem with that? 
19930413	Wally: Being bald isn't so bad. With all this testosterone, men will fear me and women will desire me. Take a hike, Fuzzy. She's mine now. Woman: I do find you strangely attractive. Wally: Testosterone; You're helpless. 
19930414	Dilbert: Gee, Wally. You sure have been popular with women since the testosterone started spewing from your head. Wally: It's amazing...I even bought a pickup truck and a rifle so I can hunt after work. Dilbert: What do you hunt around here? Wally: Pigeons are the most convenient...Don't even have to get out of the truck. 
19930415	Wally: Maybe it's because of my high testosterone levels, but I couldn't resist getting my pickup jacked up. I thought it would be more frightening to the people I tailgate. The only problem is that you can't let people see you trying to get in it. 
19930416	Wally: Life has been great since the testosterone started spewing from my head. Dilbert: It looks like the flow is stopping. Woman: Wait-a-minute. Why was I touching you? Wally: I hope you won't be shallow about this. 
19930417	Dilbert: ...And people who don't bother to vote have no right to complain. Dogbert: Why not? Dilbert: Why not? It's obvious. No vote means no right to complain. You can't get much more logical that that. Besides, that's how I was raised. Dogbert: You were raised by bumper stickers? 
19930418	Woman: Thanks for asking me to dinner, Dilbert. Dilbert: It's my pleas... Woman: I love eating out. What kind of tablecloth is this? I saw a movie last month. Dilbert: Uh-oh...She's a serial yakker. Woman: Yak yak yak blah blah yak yak blah yak. Dilbert: She changes topics without even pausing to breathe. Woman: Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak. Dilbert: It's too hard to listen. I'm slipping into a coma. Woman: Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak. Waiter: Is there some problem? Dilbert: R-u-u-u-n! Save yourself! Woman: Yak yak blah blah yak yak yak yak blah blah. Waiter: Serial yakker! Help me. Dilbert: Shhh! I'm trying to play dead. 
19930419	Boss: The local school wants somebody to talk to the kids about a career as an engineer. I'm giving you this plum assignment to you because you're such a good role model. Hee hee. Dilbert: It's more sincere sounding when you don't giggle. Boss: Remember, children are our future! 
19930420	Teacher: Dilbert has agreed to talk to the class about exciting careers in the field of engineering! Dilbert: There's more to being an engineer than just writing technical memos that nobody reads. Once in a while, somebody reads one. Then you have to find a scapegoat, or use some vacation time and hope it all blows over. 
19930421	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: Engineering is one of the best careers available.  For the next twent years I'll sit in a big box called a cubicle.  It's like a restroom stall but with lower walls.  Dilbert: I'll spend most of my time hoping the electromagnetic fields from my office equipment aren't killing me. 
19930422	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: And don't forget the social life that comes with being an engineer.  Ninety percent of all engineers are guys, so it's a bonanza of dating opportunities for the ladies who enter the field.  For the men, there are these little video game devices.  Little Video game:  BEEP BEEP  Female student:  Would I be allowed to date a non engineer? 
19930423	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: The goal of every engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe.  Engineers prefer to work as "consultants" on project teams.  That way there's no real work, blame is spread accross the group, and you can crush any idea from marketing!  ...And sometimes you get free donuts just for showing up!  Teacher: Get out of my classroom.
19930424	Dilbert: Look what I got for my computer! It's a romostatic real-time data compression processor! Oooh...I can't wait to plug you in, my little darling. I've waited so long. Oh yes! Yes! Dogbert: Does the church know about this? 
19930425	Dilbert: Government statistics show that office productivity went DOWN as computers became widely used. But I didn't believe it. So I wrote a little software program to test that conclusion. It only took a month, but it produced some impressive data. In fact, it was so impressive it took a week to figure out how to print it. But before I could print, my computer crashed and I didn't have backup copies. So, it seems the government was right; Computers are to blame for the decline in productivity. Boss: Do you think the employees could be partly responsible? Dilbert: Sure, find a scapegoat. 
19930426	Dilbert: I need to work on something big so I can justify my existence here. But not something important, because that would draw attention to me at a time of staff cuts. What can I do that costs a lot but nobody wants? Boss: "Empowerment" sure made them quiet. 
19930427	Dilbert: For only twenty-five thousand dollars I've eliminated many tedious and time-consuming processes. Boss: What would be an example of one of those tedious and time-consuming processes? Dilbert: Well, there was the process of sitting around and wishing I had more computer stuff... Boss: Next time don't ask. 
19930428	Reporter: After that tragic story we have an even more tragic update on a previously reported tragedy, then... We'll update you about people who got killed by the weather. And in sports we profile the injury of the week. And in local news, not much was happening, so we drove the news van around until we hit a pedestrian. 
19930429	Dogbert: I'm going to start-up a television news network that only reports happy stories. In sports, fifty percent of the teams won their games yesterday. And all the players are millionaires - most of whom have no serious drug problems. Our person of the week is Darryl, who, despite his tiny brain, found success through a life of crime. 
19930430	Caption: Dogbert's good news show. Dogbert: Nine out of ten people have jobs...Three billion people had a nice day today...And the forest has plenty of owls. Caption: Regular news show. Newsman: A Huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Newswoman: We'll all die!! Caption: Back to Dogbert... Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off of your television screen. (Click.) 
19930501	Dilbert: ...Then I said "What about an optical disk file server." Woman: So boring, falling asleep... (WHUMP.) Dilbert: I don't know how she died. I was telling her about an optical... Policeman: Zzzzzz. 
19930509	Boss: Did you know that twenty percent of all microfleems are subradiante? Dilbert: Uh-oh. The boss has latched onto some obscure engineering fact. This is going to be painful. Boss: Just think of the implications. It means eighty percent of microfleems are NOT subradiante. Dilbert: Maybe I can hide under the desk until this blows over. Boss: Don't you think it's fascinating? I mean, what with the implications and all... Dilbert: Okay, okay. I acknowledge your incredible grasp of technology issues. Boss: It almost makes me curious what a microfleem is. 
19930510	Boss: Dilbert, I want you to help Susan put the department budget together. Dilbert: Budget?! No, please! I'll be branded for life. The other engineers will spit on me. Boss: Darn, his guard is up. Dilbert: I'll have to wear a raincoat to work! 
19930511	Caption: Dilbert is assigned to prepare the budget. Susan: You'll have to learn our budget system. It was developed 400 years ago by a crazed monk who sealed himself in a wine cask. Unfortunately, we still have him. Monk: Hey, I've got another idea. 
19930515	Athlete: I never learned to read, but it didn't matter because I was a great athlete. Then came the multi-million dollar contract, which I spent on drugs. Eventually I was banned from sports. I quit drugs because I couldn't afford it. Now I'm a motivational speaker. Dogbert: Have you motivated anybody to become illiterate yet? 
19930519	Dilbert: Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever dated a two-headed telepath. You might pick up a strange thought or two, but believe me, these are normal thoughts for a guy. Well, maybe not that last one... 
19930520	Date: You're wondering how to handle the good night kiss... By a vote of two to zero, we've decided not to kiss you. And Debbie has threatened a filibuster on the handshake issue. Dilbert: It's a bluff. Date: Nice weather today. Have you seen any good movies? How about the economy, huh? 
19930521	Caption: Company headquarters. Executive1: Does anybody have a plan for getting rid of the employees? Executive2: Well, they're bad at math; We could offer deceptively small sums of money to people who retire. Dilbert: Hey, this could be good. Wally: It's been a long time since I had to calculate the cosine of anything. 
19930522	Boss: Good report...But add a sentence that says micro-robotics is a dead-end technology. Dilbert: But that's the exact opposite of my point! If I add that, the whole report would be a confusing and senseless waste of time! Boss: That's okay. We just won't let anybody else see it. Dilbert: Is this a win-win scenario? 
19930523	Sign: Bank of Ethel. Ethel: Next victim. Dilbert: You charged me a fee for paying my credit card bill a day late. Ethel: So? Dilbert: Why don't your computers automatically transfer money from my checking account instead of charging a penalty? Ethel: Frankly, we're not much into the "customer service" craze. We prefer to set little traps so customers get hit with unexpected penalties. Dilbert: Well!! I think I'll just take my business elsewhere! Ethel: You're annoying me. That's a hundred dollar penalty! Dilbert: I don't think I can even claim a moral victory here. 
19930524	Pointy haired boss: Hey, what are you doing? Are you sleeping? Wally: Zzzzz Wally: Uh... no, I was brainstorming. Pointy haired boss: What idea did you come up with? Wally: It involves Irene in accounting. She's the stern nurse and I'm the incorrigible industrialist. Pointy haired boss: I already thought of that one. 
19930525	Wally:  My productivity is shot. I can't stop daydreaming about Irene in accounting. Ted: Do what I did. Try to phase out of it by daydreaming of Laura in engineering, then move to the ordinary-looking Betty in marketing. Wally: Now I'm daydreaming about all three of them. Ted: Same thing happened to me. 
19930526	Pointy haired boss: I understand that you men are spending three-quarters of your time daydreaming about attractive women. Pointy haired boss: Do you realize how much time is being wasted here? Dilbert: Twenty-five percent? Wally: It's a trick question. Ted (thinking): {Irene} 
19930527	Unnamed woman: My "defantalator" invention can eliminate the unproductive and naughty thoughts of your male employees. Unnamed woman: We succeeded in getting men to stop *acting* like men, but it wasn't enough. Men must stop *thinking* like men too. Unnamed woman: Hey! Cut it out! Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hmm... A little makeup and a new hairdo...} 
19930528	Unnamed woman (thinking): There's another unproductive man, daydreaming about attractive women. Unnamed woman (thinking): A short blast from my "defantalator" should set him straight. Defantalator: WUSSS Ted: Hey! I think I'm starting to like figure skating! 
19930529	Woman: Our school system is a complete failure, Dogbert. Dogbert: Why's that? Woman: The schools should be preparing these kids to be scientists and engineers. That's the only way our economy will prosper. Instead, we'll be a nation of maids and janitors. Dogbert: Yeah, but think how clean it will be. 
19930531	Noriko: I can't wait to grow up and get out of school. Dogbert: Actually, Noriko, your generation will have to take classes and work full-time your whole lives...assuming any jobs exist. But on the plus side, television will have a thousand channels. Noriko: THAT'S IT; SOMEBODY'S GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO! 
19930601	Noriko: Who the heck is running this planet??! It's a total disaster!! The environment is a mess! Crime and poverty everywhere!! Who's responsible?!! Dogbert: Adults, like him. Dilbert: Hi, Noriko. Is something wrong? Noriko: Duhhh! 
19930602	Noriko: You adults have totally messed up the planet!! Where's the accountability??! You know our implied social contract! You take care of the kids, then we take care of you when you're old. That's how it's supposed to work. Dilbert: Well, I... Noriko: The deal is OFF!! 
19930603	Noriko: You adults are ruining the planet for my generation. We kids have no power now, but I'm taking names. When we take power we'll ship you all to a penal colony on Mars. Dilbert: There's no oxygen on Mars. Noriko: Oh, NOW you learn to plan ahead. 
19930604	Dogbert: Noriko, I'd like you to meet Bob the dinosaur. Noriko: Hi. Bob: Hi. Noriko: I thought dinosaurs were all extinct. Dogbert: No, they were just hiding. We found Bob behind the couch. Noriko: I wish we had one at our house. Bob: Look in the credenza. The Belmonts live in the "Krazy Glue" drawer. 
19930605	Dogbert: Take Bob with you, Noriko. You'll need help saving the planet for your generation. Noriko: I have a black belt in karate. What skills do you bring to the party? Bob: Wedgies, mostly. It's not as menacing as karate, but you have to love the expressions on their faces. Noriko: Turn him this way. 
19930607	Noriko: Stop right there, mister adult! You've got some explaining to do to my generation! Boss: It's quite simple, really. Children have no political power. So we adults can plunder the planet, run up huge debts, then die fat and happy! Noriko: I've never seen anybody lifted by his briefs and spun in the air like that. Bob: That's my "twirling wedgie." 
19930608	Message: This is Dogbert, with a broadcast e-mail message to all computer geeks... I declare myself to be your leader. And I name my empire the "virtual electronic nation of Dogbert," Venod for short. Dilbert: I assume you'll be exploiting the simple people of Venod for personal gain. Dogbert: Yeah, it's a leadership tradition. 
19930609	Dilbert: Now that you've united the electronic mail users of the world, what are you going to do? Dogbert: I'll poll them about their needs, then use their collective political and economic power to get them whatever the majority wants. Dilbert: Couldn't you easily rig the vote to support your own selfish ambitions? Dogbert: I love the democratic system. 
19930610	Dogbert: I am Dogbert, leader of Venod - a huge collective of nerds. We demand twenty percent discounts on all of your products. If you refuse, I will send a wireless e-mail message that instructs one million nerds to stop buying your products. Vendor: You're kidding, right? Dogbert: There - I just sent them your daughter's phone number. 
19930611	Aren't you afraid that if you continue as leader of the nerds, you will become a nerd yourself. No, because you can't become a nerd unless you have a genetic predisposition toward it. Look! I added an emergency backup pocket! See? You can't learn that stuff in computer class.
19930612	Ratbert: Aren't you afraid that if you continue as leader of the nerds, you will become a nerd yourself? Dogbert: No, because you can't become a nerd unless you have a genetic predisposition toward it. Dilbert: Look! I added an emergency backup pocket! Dogbert: See? You can't learn that stuff in computer class. 
19930614	Boss: I took a crack at writing a "mission statement" for our group. "We enhance stockholder value through strategic business initiatives by empowered employees working in new team paradigms." Dilbert: Do you ever just marvel at the fact we get paid to do this? Boss: Did anybody bring donuts? 
19930615	Boss: I got a brochure for "Dogbert's seminar on management zombies." I think you should go. Dilbert: "Learn how to use words like: utilize, paradigm, vertical, empowerment, and proactive in every sentence." I'm not sure I want to talk like that. Boss: Come...Join us...Don't be afraid... 
19930616	Dogbert: Many of you come to my management seminar as optimistic, creative, clear-speaking individuals. But with hard work, you can become jargon-spewing corporate zombies, like Carl here. Carl: I want to dialogue with you about utilizing resources. Dogbert: Good boy! Here's a donut. 
19930617	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: The successful zombie knows how to squash the creativity of co-workers. When you hear a new idea, adopt a facial expression which conveys both fear and an utter lack of comprehension. Those of you who work in marketing only need to add the fear part. Manager: Why is that? 
19930618	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: To be a zombie you must drink the zombie elixir. The zombie elixir will remove any distracting thoughts of sleep or family life. Manager: It looks like coffee. Dogbert: You have to add one scoop of zombie sugar. 
19930619	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: As a zombie, you must speak in empty generalities. Your business plan might say "We strive to utilize a variety of techniques to accomplish a broad spectrum of results toward the bottom line." Trainee 1: Hey! My skin is getting clammy and I have the urge to call a meeting! Trainee 2: Me too! Dogbert: Good...Good... 
19930625	Alice: I am Alice the compulsive grabber. When I see things that are not right I must grab them. Dilbert: In an hour or so I may have to ask you to stop that. 
19930626	(Squeeze squeeze squeeze.) Alice: In retrospect, that was exactly the kind of temptation I should just ignore. 
19930628	Dilbert: My patent application is complete. Soon the other engineers will come sniffing around. They are attracted by the scent of success. They want their names on my patent. Wally: The scent CAN'T be coming from here. Ted: We may be getting a false positive from his baloney sandwich. 
19930629	Boss: Add my name to your patent application to acknowledge my contribution. Dilbert: What contribution? You said it was a stupid idea by a stupid employee. You ordered me to stop working on it. Boss: Devil's advocate! Dilbert: You also said I was ugly. 
19930630	Alice: Dilbert, would you add my name to your patent application? Dilbert: Why should I? Alice: I would consider upgrading you status from "co-worker" to "friend I never see outside of work." Dilbert: Would we eat lunch together? Alice: No, but I'll pencil you in and cancel at the last minute. 
19930701	Dilbert: My patent will make fifty million dollars for the company, so I thought maybe you could afford to give me a raise. Boss: Unfortunately, the profit bucket is not connected to the budget bucket, so there's no money for a raise. Dilbert: I think some recognition of a job well-done is appropriate here. Boss: Thanks. It WAS one of my better excuses. 
19930703	Dilbert: Please excuse the artwork in this next diagram. Audience: What's that? It looks like Elvis' face on a credenza! Ha ha ha! Or is it a Rorschach test??! HA HA HA!! Dilbert: And in conclusion, I hate you all. 
19930705	Boss: Let's start with a brainstorming exercise...Alice, you go first. Alice: I imagine myself not surrounded by dull, unattractive and largely clueless men. Dilbert: I think she just insulted you guys. Alice: Mmmm... 
19930709	Dilbert: What are you making? Dogbert: Commemorative collectible plates. One of the mysteries of life is that you can put any picture on a plate and hordes of morons will want to own it. Dilbert: Wow! An acorn! And it's on a plate! Dogbert: What's it like to be a member of a horde? 
19930710	Dogbert: You already own the "acorn series" of Dogbert's commemorative plates... For a limited time you may also purchase my new issue: the "French guy with a hat" series. Dilbert: My acorn plates are missing. Dogbert: Tomorrow I'll introduce my new series: "Russian with French hat." 
19930712	Dogbert: I thought of another way to profit from the ignorance of humans. I wrote "the Dogbert formula for health." I recommend a daily dose of food, sleep and exercise. And for only $19.95 you can buy the patented "Dogbert Joggerobic carpet patch" to help you run in place. 
19930713	Dogbert: Are you tired of fad diets and fad exercise devices? Ratbert: Yes I am! Dogbert: Then buy my book and get the revolutionary Joggerobic carpet patch for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. To prove it works, we photographed an actual athlete. Ratbert: Pictures don't lie! 
19930714	Dilbert: It looks like sales of the "Dogbert Joggerobic Carpet Patch" are brisk. Dogbert: Yeah, and I'm looking to expand. Dogbert: Ratbert is busy researching new product concepts for the carpet patch. Ratbert: "Carpet Club For Men"
19930715	Ratbert: I think I've hit upon a brilliant new direction for expanding our product line. Ratbert: I call them "Carpet Patch Kids." Each one is made from carpet and has its own name! Ratbert: Don't feel bad, Raquel. I don't think he meant it as a personal attack.
19930716	Pointy haired boss: Our newest fad policy is to have subordinates appraise their boss's job performance. Dilbert: I give you a "D Minus." Pointy haired boss: Did I mention retribution? Dilbert: Careful, Sir, you're hanging by a thread.
19930717	Ratbert: Sometimes I think I'm not reaching my full potential as a rat. Dilbert: You're right. In the middle ages, disease-carrying rats wiped out half of the human population of Europe. Ratbert: I think I've got a little temperature. Feel my forehead. Dilbert: Face it, your glory days are past.
19930718	Pointy haired boss: The award for best attendance goes to Dilbert. Dilbert: I'd like to thank the people who made this possible. Dilbert: First, I'd like to thank the women in the company who have rejected me over the years... Dilbert: Because of them I have no germriddled children to infect me. Dilbert: And thanks to my co-workers for never telling me about important meetings, thus keeping my germ exposure to a minimum. Dilbert: And thanks to my boss for never assigning a project important enough to induce stress and weaken my immune system. Dilbert: But what makes this award special is that each of you had to get sick in order for me to win. Dilbert: When you have your health, you have everything, Dogbert. Dogbert: No, you also have to gloat.
19930719	Pointy haired boss: Your new project will have no budget and no management support. Expect to spend most of your time giving status reports. Employee: Oh no! The life force has been drained out of me! I'm becoming a damp rag!!! Dilbert: That's amazing. Pointy haired boss: It's nothing. I did eighteen at once at the employee empowerment brunch.
19930720	Dogbert: I'll be representing you corporate employees in a class action suit. Your company has sucked the life force out of you and turned you into little rags. Dogbert: My fee will be on a contingency basis. That means I get the entire settlement plus I'll use you to wax my BMW. Dogbert: I've found the perfect clients. Little rags: Sounds Fair. Little rags: Don't make waves.
19930721	Dogbert: I'm from the law firm of Dogbert, Dogbert and Dogbert. I'm suing you for draining the life force out of your employees. Dogbert: After being drained of life, employees are forced to leave the company. The lucky ones get jobs as rags for a car wash, like Joey Pishkin here. Pointy haired boss: Honk Honk Dogbert: What Joey? That's Marge from accounting??? 
19930722	Lawyer: If you do not drop your class action suit, then you'll have to face me in court. Lawyer: And I've never lost a case. Dogbert: Then how do you know you wouldn't enjoy it. Lawyer: Well... I just wouldn't. Dogbert: Good argument.
19930723	Dogbert: For my first witness, I call the defendant's attorney. Dogbert: Is it true that you're wearing women's lingerie right now. Attorney: No! Judge: Is this relevant to your case? Dogbert: I wonder why YOU're so touchy about this subject.
19930724	Dogbert: Before you decide who wins this civil suit, remember this... Dogbert: I can't legally offer you large cash kickbacks for deciding in my favor. But please take a moment to complete a self-addressed stamped envelope. Judge: What are you doing? Dogbert: I'm trying to establish "reasonable doubt."
19930725	Boss: All you know our president, Mr. Goodenrich. He's here to answer any questions you have. Alice: Why aren't there any women or minorities in senior management positions? Goodenrich: We think women are for making babies. As for minorities, we fear them. Wally: How can you justify your ten million dollar salary when profits are down? Goodenrich: Ha ha! The board of directors are friends of mine and it's not their money they're spending. Dilbert: Why does the company keep talking about employee training while at the same time slashing the training budget? Goodenrich: We think you're too dumb to train. We'll hire people from the outside if we need talent. Wally: I must say, your honesty is kind of refreshing. Goodenrich: And you're all fired for asking questions. 
19930726	Juror: The jury has reached a decision in the case of "Dogbert vs. a big corporation." We award Dogbert fifty million dollars because we hate big companies and we like little dogs with glasses. Judge: I hate my life. Juror: And we award a Maytag dryer to juror Mindy for being "best dressed." 
19930727	Dogbert: Does it bother you that I won fifty million dollars in my lawsuit, whereas you still toil to remain middle class? Does it bother you to know that I could buy you and sell you...how many times? Assistant: 834 times. Dogbert: Hey, it's gone up since lunch! 
19930728	Dilbert: ...So I thought you might use some of your newly won millions to fund my "Bioworld" science experiment. It's a complete ecology enclosed in an airtight dome. The survival of the volunteers would depend on my foresight and engineering skills. Gee, I though it would be harder to talk you into it. Dogbert: I get to pick the volunteers myself. 
19930729	Dilbert: I've completed the design for Bioworld. Have you selected the volunteers? Dogbert: Yes. Sign: Bioworld. Dilbert: So...These are the brave people whose lives will depend on my ability to engineer a balanced ecology. Seven car salesmen plus Ratbert... Dogbert: Coincidence. 
19930730	Dilbert: The Bioworld dome is now sealed. You must live off its resources for two years. The edible plants were delivered just before the dome was sealed. They are the key to your survival. Deliverer: Can somebody open the delivery door? I've got some plants outside. 
19930731	Memo: "Day one of the Bioworld experiment is off to a rocky start." "The volunteers have no edible plants and the oxygen level is dropping." Signs: Help. Let us out. Memo: Fortunately, most of the volunteers are ex-car salespeople, so we remain emotionally uninvolved. Dogbert: Look how they spelled "oxygen." 
19930801	Dilbert: Is it the flu? Doctor: Hmm ... Doctor: I had the computer run an economic report on the market value of your organs. Doctor: I could make thousands of dollars by selling your parts for transplants. Doctor: Of course, this is all moot unless you die in my office while under my care. Doctor: But if I let you die from the flu then my malpractice insurance will go up again. Doctor: But if you live I can continue to bill you for unnecessary tests. Doctor: There's a slight economic advantage to keeping you alive ... if you leave three pints of blood and do me a little favor. Dilbert: Then I had to wax his jeep with my clothes. Dogbert: Apparently he didn't know what kind of fabrics you wear.
19930802	Memo: With oxygen and food nearly depleted, the Bioworld volunteers become philosophical. Ratbert: Some of the volunteers think that because they're car salespeople you don't value their lives... Dogbert: If that were true, how can you explain that we put you in there too? Ratbert: That's what I said, but it didn't seem to cheer them up. 
19930803	Spokesman: Please...End the Bioworld experiment. We're out of food. Air is almost gone. We pray there was no sadistic intent when you chose only car salespeople for the experiment...Please...At least let some air in... Dogbert: Gee, I really want to help. I'll go try to convince my boss to see it your way. Salesman: Hey! I'M a "Saturn" dealer -- I'm different! 
19930804	Ratbert: It used to bother me that the air was getting polluted and unbreathable. Paper: News. Ratbert: But I realized that rats are hardier than humans -- so we'll get all your stuff after you wheeze your last breath! Dilbert: I think I'll go for a walk. Ratbert: Hey! Why not drive? 
19930805	Ratbert: You know, seriously as a rat I'm far more likely to survive a major environmental calamity. Ratbert: And there's no shortage of potential disasters - you've got global warming, ozone depletion, air pollution ... Ratbert: Can I try one of your shirts?
19930806	Ratbert: I'd miss you if the human race died from pollution but rats lived on. Ratbert: So I'm dedicating my life to learning the science of preserving human-kind. Ratbert: Pickling. Dilbert: Conservation?
19930807	Dilbert: This show is garbage. I will eschew it. Remote control: Click. Dogbert: That explains your breath. Dilbert: You're in your own little world, aren't you?
19930809	Boss: I've got to cut staff in engineering. I'm trying to determine which one of you is more valuable to keep. I've been hearing good things about Zimbu the monkey. Which one of you is Zimbu the monkey? Dilbert: This is not the proudest moment of my professional career. 
19930810	Boss: It's going to be tough deciding which of you to lay off. I want to keep the employee who projects the most professional image. Dilbert: This should make him look pretty stupid. 
19930811	Boss: I can't decide which one of you to lay off, so I've decided to have a contest. The first event is the "staple chase." Round one: Zimbu. Dilbert: I think I winged him. 
19930812	Caption: Dilbert and Zimbu compete for one job. Boss: This next event tests your humor and creativity. The objective is to see how much fun you can have in the barrel. Who wants to go first? Dilbert: This is no fair. Zimbu is a monkey. He has an advantage. Boss: Actually, this is a test of your gullibility. 
19930813	Boss: After comparing the two of you, I've decided to keep Dilbert for the last engineering job. Dilbert: YES! I WIN, YOU LITTLE BANANA-EATING-FLEA-HOTEL! HA HA HA HA!!! Boss: I'm putting Zimbu on the management fast-track. Dilbert: Bas time for the victory jig. 
19930814	Boss: Does anybody have any questions about our plan? Ask me anything -- There are no "stupid" questions. Ted: If you crossed the international date line on your birthday, would you still get presents? Boss: Oh great...There ARE stupid questions and I don't know the answers. 
19930816	Pointy haired boss: I'm told by a reliable source that our senior vice president made a sound like "Yurp" at lunch.  Pointy haired boss: What does it mean? Does it signal a new set of priorities? We must demonstrate our commitment to this vision.  Dilbert: What was the context of this vision?  Pointy haired boss: All we know is he was eating a burrito.
19930817	Dogbert: I am Dogbert the psychic business consultant. I can read minds.  Pointy haired boss: If you can read minds, what's my favorite color?  Dogbert: Your favorite color is puce, but you are mistakenly thinking of a primary color because you don't know what puce is.  Pointy haired boss: Whoa... I just got a shiver.
19930818	Pointy Haired Boss: I want you to read my boss's mind and tell me what he wants my group to work on.  Dogbert (in his Certified Swami hat, see 1989-08-28): Why don't you just ask him?  PHB: Ask him?? I can't do that. His calendar is booked for months. And I never understand what he says anyway.  Swami Dogbert: He thinks you're an idiot, but it's easier to pay you than to fire you.  PHB: Whew! Job security. 
19930819	Swami Dogbert: I'll use my powers to read the minds of your employees and get ideas for improving morale.  Dogbert: Hmm... All they care about is romance, ski trips and "Star Trek".  Pointy haired boss: How about if we give the high performers little key chains with the company logo?  Dogbert: I'm getting a blank from this direction. 
19930820	Dogbert the Psychic Business Consultant  Swami Dogbert: I sense death...  Dogbert: It's coming from here. Yes, he's definitely dead.  Dogbert: You should bury him. He already smells bad.  Wally: I'll bet this isn't heaven.
19930821	Dilbert, thinking: I'll give Albert a male bonding shoulder massage to show I'm a team player.  Hey, Al! Keep up the good work, Buddy! {Albert faints on his keyboard.}  Dilbert, thinking: Oops...That might have been the Vulcan death grip.
19930822	Dilbert: The great thing about being human is that I'm superior to all other animals.  Dogbert: On what do you base that absurd conclusion?  Dilbert: Humans have the ability to kill any other animal. Therefore, we are superior.  Dogbert: You could be slaughtered by chipmunks if they ever decided to gang up.  Dilbert: But they couldn't decide to do that. That's why humans are superior.  Dilbert: Chipmunks waste their days by eating nuts and playing instead of plotting ways to kill other species.  Dogbert: It's futile to argue with you.  Dilbert: Thank you.  Chipmunk {hidden in tree}: I say we kill him. Is anybody with me? 
19930823	Pointy haired boss: I'm sending you to our plant in Elbonia. I want you to teach them "Quality". I selected you because you've been there and you know their language. Dilbert: They speak English.  Pointy haired boss: Oh. Then I guess it's because I hate you.
19930824	Ratbert: I'll go with you on your trip to Elbonia. I can be your bodyguard! Dilbert: It's not a good place for a rat. The mud is quite... Ratbert: You think I'm not tough enough? I'll show you!! Elbonian: And THAT'S your bodyguard? Ratbert's voice, from under the mud: I don't like the tone of your voice.
19930825	Elbonia  Dilbert: I've been sent to teach you "Total Quality Management."  Dilbert: In the old days, quality was just an empty word meaning "good."  {Sign: Quality Equals Good (1950)}  Dilbert: Eventually it evolved into a complicated method for transferring your money to business consultants. 
19930826	Caption: Dilbert teaches Elbonia "total quality" methods. Dilbert: You start by identifying problem areas. Elbonian: Hmm...Sometimes our mittens get stuck to our noses and we can't breathe. (Sniff.) Yorgi! Try to breathe with your mouth! (Mmm! Mmm!) Dilbert: People! Let's talk metrics, please! 
19930827	Caption: Dilbert teaches "quality" management in Elbonia. Dilbert: The fishbone diagram helps identify the root cause of problems. In your case, the root problem seems to be that you're a nation of imbeciles... Elbonian 1: True, but YOU'RE the one who had to draw a dead fish to figure it out. Elbonian 2: You're in the club! Here's your hat. 
19930828	Elbonian 1: Thank you for teaching us "quality" techniques. Manufacturing defects are down fifty percent since we all joined "quality teams." Elbonian 2: Yes! Elbonian 1: How's our productivity, Yorgi? Elbonian 2: Down fifty percent. Dilbert: They're on to me. 
19930829	Pointy haired boss:What we need is more communication between management and...whatever you are. So, once a month I'll have "open door day". You can drop by and whine about anything you want. I'll listen with a concerned expression like this. Then I'll explain why everything is fine just the way it is. Then, morale will improve, profits will skyrocket and mystock options will make me RICH!! Dilbert: May I make some observations about your plan? Uh...forget it. Pointy haired boss: Do you notice how concerned I look?
19930830	Pointy haired boss: This thankless assignment shall go to whoever asks a question or makes eye contact. It's really, really stupid... does anybody want to question it? I think I see Ted's eyes in the mirror. Dilbert: Good one, Alice! Ted: Gasp.
19930831	Dogbert: Do you realize the Government takes half of all the money you make? And the majority of people are too young to vote, or didn't bother to vote, or voted for the loser. ... and nobody alive voted for our constitution. Dilbert: It's never good when you have these insights. Dogbert: I've decided to levy my own tax on people.
19930901	Dogbert: Here are the Dogbert tax forms. Pay promptly or you will be penalized. Dilbert: It's not fair! Dilbert: You can't just levy your own taxes; what makes you think I'll pay? Dogbert: If not, I'll put you in my new prison. Dilbert: You mean, you built a prison with the taxes you've already collected? Dogbert: I think of it as "Infrastructure".
19930902	Ratbert: Listen to me, Bob. Individually, we're nothing but a rat and a dinosaur. But if we team up, we'd have your mighty strength plus my... uh... my... Bob: Brain? Ratbert: No, that doesn't sound right.
19930903	Ratbert: What a team we make, Bob! Now I won't need to act pathetic to get love. I'll get all the spillover love that people naturally have for dinosaurs! Someone: Eww! It's a huge lizard with a talking zit. I'm gonna be sick. Ratbert: Great... I got a defective dinosaur.
19930904	Ratbert: As part of our symbiotic relationship I'll shout a warning when danger approaches. THERE'S A HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER! CONSUMER CONFIDENCE IS DOWN A POINT! Bob: ANGRY DINOSAUR WITH BIG TAIL! Ratbert: You call that symbiotic??!
19930905	Dogbert: I'm building a permanent file of all the stupid things you say. Dilbert: At least it's only a few pages long. Dogbert: This is just the table of contents. Dogbert: The full database will be compressed on CD ROMs. Dogbert: I hired Juan and his crew to design the system and type in the data. Juan: We're working overtime. Juan: The new computer center is done... We had to level the neighbor's garage. Dilbert: By any chance, are you still upset that I asked you to fetch my slippers? Dogbert: Did you get that one? Juan: I'll need to hire more people. 
19930906	Pointy haired boss: I just love hiring these temporary workers. No employee benefits... no union... just toss 'em in the dumpster when you're done with them! Dilbert: The dumpster seems a bit inappropriate. Pointy haired boss: They're way too big to flush.
19930907	Dilbert: Wow! You temporary contract programmers sure are productive! It must be exciting to know you can be dismissed at any moment. Your survival depends on results! Wally: Let's go blame marketing for not giving us detailed requirements. Dilbert: What's the big rush?
19930908	Co-worker from Marketing: You engineers have done *nothing* on my project. You just keep saying I haven't given you sufficient requirements! Co-worker from Marketing: I don't even know what else you need and you won't tell me what you need!! Is this just your way of avoiding work??! Wally: I'll bet you regret choosing marketing as a career path. Dilbert: It looks like a lot of work. 
19930909	Ratbert: I figured that you would respect me more if I had some sort of talent. Ratbert: So I taught myself to sing Barry Manilow's greatest hits while slapping my head rhythmically. Ratbert {out of frame}: A-a-at the copa {slap} OW! Copa cabana {slap} OW! Dilbert: I'm actually enjoying this and it deeply disturbs me. 
19930910	Dilbert: What are you filming? Dogbert: Ratbert got his own cable TV channel. Dogbert: Now that cable TV has a thousand channels they're desperate for original programs. Male Cable Viewer: Back in the six-hundreds I saw a rat slapping his head to a Barry Manilow tune. His Wife: That's worth a second look. 
19930911	Dilbert {thinking}: The water for my spaghetti should be boiling by now. Ratbert {in pot}: Oops! You caught me. I usually finish hot tubbing before you get back. Dogbert: It raises a big question mark about the capers. Dilbert: Capers? 
19930912	Pointy haired boss: Nervous Ed, I'm assigning you to a special project. Nervous Ed: Special assignment? That means you don't have any real work for me. Nervous Ed: Everybody knows that a special assignment is a kiss of death. Pointy haired boss: You'll be sharing a cubicle with six other employees who are also on special assignment. Nervous Ed {thinking}: Don't panic yet... Maybe it's something important... Maybe it's something that could make an impact. Pointy haired boss: Your assignment is to improve employee empowerment. Dilbert: Thanks for letting us watch. Pointy haired boss: Did you like the part about six in the cubicle? 
19930913	Pointy haired boss: Welcome to the four hour... Pointy haired boss: Meeting from HELL!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Dilbert {thinking}: That's rarely a good sign. 
19930914	Pointy haired boss {thinking}: I've seen him before. Dogbert: I'm a "blame consultant." Dogbert: For a large fee I will tell the workers that the problems in the company are *their* fault, not yours. It's the latest management fad. Pointy haired boss: Won't they see right through that? Dogbert: Is that *my* fault??! 
19930915	Dogbert is hired as a blame consultant Dogbert: The company's problems are your fault, Willy. Dogbert: You blame the senior executives, but it is you -- the individual employee -- who must build innovative new products and pioneer new markets. Willy: But I'm just a word processor. I was hired to type. Dogbert: I've seen your typing. That stinks too. 
19930916	Dogbert is hired as a blame consultant Dogbert: The company's woes are *your* fault, not senior management's! Dogbert: Do you realize how much *you* could gain personally by making the company a success? Wally: I would get a nice plaque in a plastic frame. Dogbert: Yeah... I was hoping you didn't know. 
19930917	Dogbert: Here's my consulting report on your company. Dogbert: I had no insights so I bulked it up by adding witty analogies. Pointy haired boss: "His head was like a hollow putty ball attacked by two pointy dustbunnies." Dogbert: Vivid, isn't it? 
19930918	Dogbert: Ratbert, did you know that your brain automatically coordinates millions of activities every second? Dogbert: Imagine if it got just a little bit confused - all those neurons firing randomly... Dogbert: You don't add much to a conversation, but you're easily the best listener I've ever met. Ratbert: AAAEE!
19930919	Pointy haired boss: I just arranged to have my body cryogenically frozen before my death. Pointy haired boss: In a hundred years I'll be revived and cured. That way, future generations will get the benefits of knowing me. Wally: I hope you have a good warm coat. Pointy haired boss: Coat? Nobody said anything about needing a coat. Wally: Obviously you need a coat. It's freezing in that cryogenic chamber. You'd better wear long underwear too. Wally: Don't let them tell you otherwise. Remember, the customer is always right! Pointy haired boss (thinking): I want a space heater in there too! Dilbert: That wasn't nice. Wally: I did it for future generations. 
19930920	Dilbert: I'm adjusting the pointer pen laser light for my presentation tomorrow. I'm boosting the power so it's easier to see. Watch it while I get the phone. Phone: R-r-r-ing. Dogbert: The aliens appear hostile, captain. Set phasers to full power! Light Pen: Zzzzz. 
19930921	Dilbert: I boosted the power on the pointer pen light so it's easier to see on the wall. Dilbert: Look how strong it is now. Pointy Haired Boss: Let me see that. I've got a few things to point out. Alice: Next.  
19930922	Dilbert: Dogbert, do you know how my light pointer pen could have gotten set to maximum power? Dogbert: You never seem to grasp the humor in these situations. It's not as if you caused any permanent damage in the office. Dilbert: Actually, I wasted a temp named Carl in the next office. Dogbert: A temp -- my point exactly.
19930923	Dilbert: I bet I've gone to jail more than the average law-abiding citizen. Dogbert: I plan to defend you by proving your victim was a temp worker. Dilbert: It's legal to kill a temp? Really?? Dogbert: Now all we need is a jury of your "peers".
19930924	Dogbert: Yes, my client did accidentally slay a "temp" worker... emphasis on "temp". But who among us can say they haven't slain innocent people when the situation called for it? Judge: I can. Dogbert: well, great... so much for getting a fair trial.
19930925	Dogbert: Although the insanity defense does not apply to my client, we have something just as good. My client is an "engineer savant". He understands technology but nothing else. As evidence, I submit my client's white socks, complete with the sock protector and auxiliary writing tools.
19930926	Dogbert: I was thinking about how much I enjoy our conversations. They're consistently witty and intellectually stimulating. Then I realized that all of the witty and intellectually stimulating stuff comes from me. Naturally I started wondering what was the point of even having you along. Then I thought about lightning and how it always hits the tallest object. So there IS a slight statistical advantage to having you nearby. CRACK! Dilbert: You aren't going to be witty now, are you? Dogbert: How can you say that? I'm shocked!
19930927	Foreman: We find the defendant innocent by reason of being generally clueless. Dilbert: I know I should be happy, but it's so insulting... what will all of my friends think? ... not that I have any. Dogbert: I call that a win-win scenario.
19930928	Ted: Have I told you recently that I have a lucrative job offer from our competitor? Dilbert: Yes. Ted: The pay is obscene, they wear casual clothes at work, and Wednesday through Friday is free beer and pizza. As the new guy I get to date the masseuse until the company matches me with an attractive co-worker. Dilbert: Sob.
19930929	Ted: Next week I'll be at my new job, reaping huge rewards. Wally: We're so happy for you. Ted: But I'll still have a little cubicle like yours. The only difference being that I'll keep a pony there. That way it's close to my office.
19930930	Dilbert: One of my co-workers got a much better job at another company. I'm feeling quite envious. Dogbert: Instead of feeling sad, you should make a list of all the things you have that he doesn't. Dogbert: So far, you have a birthmark, a fear of spiders and the list itself. Dilbert: I had the birthmark removed.
19931001	Pointy haired boss: I'm awarding you a "recognition fuzzy" to commend you for your good work on the project. Display it proudly on your shirt. It's good for morale. Wally: You have pocket lint on your shirt. Dilbert: Your jealousy is so transparent.
19931002	Dilbert: ... so I knew it was either a layer three protocol error or else it was time to recalibrate the scope. Ha ha! I'll avoid the obvious pun about D-channel packet addressing! Dilbert: I don't think she's done with her knife. Waiter: I know. I lost three engineers this way.
19931003	Bureaucracy. Dilbert: I need to buy an upgrade for my computer. Troll: Rrrr... first, you must write a business case and get five signatures. Get bids from nine vendors. All vendors must be approved by a vote of the vendor approval committee. Purchase order... budget transfer... legal review... accounting classification... inventory... These steps are necessary to prevent employees from doing something uneconomical. Dogbert: ... so you suggested a process "quality audit"? Dilbert: Yeah, that's the one clinging to my buttocks.
19931004	Dogbert: I'M A LOUD DOG! GIVE ME A JOB! YOU MUST OBEY ME BECAUSE I'M LOUD! Pointy haired boss: Okay okay. Dogbert: That was too easy. There must be something wrong with the job. It must be an entry level job... Dogbert: I WANT A RAISE!! PROMOTE ME, YOU IMBECILE!! Pointy haired boss: (Bad trend.) 
19931005	Dogbert: (Ha! My technique of being loud is working. I got a job and a raise in one day. Now I need an office.) Dogbert: HEY! I WANT YOUR OFFICE NOW!! WAIT... I MIGHT BE ABLE TO USE THE FRAME FOR SOMETHING!!
19931006	Dogbert: I've shouted my way into a job and a corner office. Now I need an empire. Nameplate: Dogbert. Dogbert: I'll start a task force around some hot buzzwords. Later I'll convert the people into my own division. Dilbert: Hey, there's a "palmtop personal multimedia" task force being formed! Wally: That one's gonna fill up quick. 
19931007	Dogbert: Thank you all for volunteering for my task force on "palmtop personal multimedia". I'm sure that you all have a common vision about this project... specifically, you think it will look good on your resumes while being too futuristic to generate any real work. Wally: (Mother lode.)
19931008	Dogbert: Your entire staff volunteered to work on my task force. Now I want them and their budgets transferred to me. Pointy haired boss: Why would I agree to that? Dogbert: If you don't, I'll tell everybody you're not a team player... sign here. Pointy haired boss: So... now I'm on the team, right? Dogbert: Yeah... the losing team... all by yourself.
19931009	Dogbert meets the company president. President: You've made quite a name for yourself in the week you've worked here. Dogbert: It was easy to grab power, once I realized the other executives were just imbeciles with good hair. President: I hope you don't think that of ME. Dogbert: No, that looks like a toupee from here.
19931010	Chuck: Hey! Dilbert! Is that your nerdmobile? Ha Ha Ha!! Dilbert (thinking): {It's my old high school nemesis, Chuck.} Chuck: Maybe you'd like to race me in my Corvette. Ha ha! Dilbert: Actually, Chuck, if you had taken a science class you'd know this is a "Seebeck effect" power plant capable of 600 miles per hour. Dilbert: Any idiot knows you can get massive power simply by using the sun to heat the junction of two dissimilar wires joined at both ends. Dilbert: Apparently I'm faster *and* smarter than you. And these tax forms show that I also earn more than you. Chuck: Here's a picture of my new girlfriend. She teaches aerobics. Dilbert: He's winning. Help me out here, Dogbert. Dogbert: Step aside. Dogbert: I notice your girlfriend has unusually large hands and a very pronounced Adam's Apple. Chuck: So? 
19931011	Dogbert: Thank you all for coming to this emergency board meeting. Dogbert: As you know, all promotions to senior management are based on hair. I think we all agree this is the best system. Dogbert: But have you noticed that I have a rich, lustrous coat, whereas our current president gets a little outside help? 
19931012	Chairman: The motion is approved. Dogbert is our new company president because he has the best hair. Dogbert: ... bulldoze the employee cafeteria and put in my helicopter pad ... and I need a few office improvements... Dogbert: We need a trap door here, but it won't be funny unless you can give me some "flushing" sounds. 
19931013	Employee: ... our pay is too low, and there's no clear leadership. And we want parking spaces... FLUSH Dogbert (thinking): {All things considered, I think I enjoy them more when they're disgruntled.} 
19931014	Dogbert: What?? The presidents of other companies make way more money than I do!! Dogbert: I'd better make some short-sighted spending cuts. That should raise our stock price and make my stock options worth millions. Pointy haired boss: ... all business trips are one-way from now on... and you're all required to take a trip this afternoon. 
19931015	Dogbert: I saved the company a fortune by sending the headquarters staff on one-way business trips. Dogbert: They haven't wasted money on any stupid projects all day... Now I can leak my strategy to the media and exercise my stock options at the uptick. Somewhere in Iowa Dilbert: Uh... I'm here for a meeting. Housewife (with shotgun): Did anybody see you? 
19931016	Ratbert:  Why did you quit your job as company president? Dogbert: I made a fortune on my stock options and retirement payout. Dogbert: I'm going to turn my attention to philanthropy. Ratbert: Is that the study of people named Phil? Dogbert: It's mostly about watching people beg and having buildings named after me. 
19931017	Dilbert: I didn't work up to my full potential today. Dilbert: Naturally, I'll be refunding a portion of my salary to the company. Pointy haired boss: Um... We don't really have a process for that. Dilbert: What? That's almost like saying it's okay to work below my potential. Dilbert: HEY GUYS! YOU WERE RIGHT! THE PAY'S THE SAME WHETHER YOU TRY OR NOT! Wally: That's great! I didn't do squat today! Ted: I played "Tetris." Dilbert: Thanks for the clarification. Wally: It's a big time-saver. Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hey, I actually got paid for that!} 
19931018	Pointy haired boss: I just realized I can double your workload and there's nothing you can do about it. Pointy haired boss: You're lucky to have jobs in this economy! You'll gladly sacrifice your personal lives for no extra pay! Dilbert: But at least our hard work will lead to promotion opportunities. Pointy haired boss: You're so cute. I wish I had a camera right now.
19931019	Pointy haired boss: Alice, it has come to my attention that you are spending time with your family at night. Pointy haired boss: That's time that could be used productively to do work for no extra pay. Alice: Do *you* have a family? Pointy haired boss: Hmm... That would explain the people in my house... 
19931020	Alice: I can't keep working these long hours... I deserve a family life. Pointy haired boss: Alice, Alice, Alice... Pointy haired boss: This isn't the "me" generation of the eighties. This is the "Lifeless Nineties." I expect 178 hours of work from you each week. Alice: There are only... uh, 168 hours in a week. Pointy haired boss: I expect your family to chip in a few hours. 
19931021	Alice: I'm working too many hours... I never spend time with my family. Pointy haired boss: The company cares. That's why we've developed a program to teach you how to cope. Alice (thinking): {"Celibacy and adoption -- the choice for the nineties."} 
19931022	Dogbert: YOU FOOL! YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME! HA HA HA HA HA!! Dilbert: Have you been speed-reading my self-help books again? Dogbert: The idiots should put warning labels on those things. 
19931023	Wally: Hee hee! How many blondes does it take to change a tire? Dilbert: One? Wally: No, thirty-seven to lift the car and one to pin the diaper on the tire!! Ha! Ha! Dilbert: Couldn't they just use the jack? Wally: I wondered about that too. 
19931024	Night watchman: Have a nice night, Dilbert. Night watchman: You can rest easy knowing I'll be guarding the building all night. Night watchman: To a criminal, this place must look like a big ol' shopping mall. Night watchman: The cubicles are like little stores, each with its own selection of quality merchandise. Night watchman: If you know where to look, you could get picture frames, postage stamps, clocks, and even footwear. Dilbert: Oddly enough, you and the janitor are the only ones here at night, and yet my snack drawer keeps getting emptied. Night watchman: It's totally inexplicable. Well, good night. Janitor: Shall we head over to "Chez Dilbert"? Night watchman: Later... there's a sale at "Wally's Shoe World." 
19931025	Dilbert: Here's my time report, in fifteen minute increments. Dilbert: And here's my monthly project status, my budget forecast, my key accomplishments, my Jeopardy list... Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Never has so little been measured so much.} 
19931026	Pointy haired boss: I need to identify any unnecessary and unproductive employees so I can cut costs. Pointy haired boss: Does anybody have spare time to join my task force on productivity? Pointy haired boss: Good, good... Anybody else? 
19931027	Ratbert: I can't remember if I'm left-handed or right-handed. Ratbert: I live in fear that I'll be walking in the park, someone will toss me a ball and I'll look... awkward. Someone: Nice catch, rat. Ratbert: Really? It didn't look awkward? 
19931028	Dogbert: Don't feel bad because you're awkward, Ratbert. Dogbert: There are people leading happy lives who are not only awkward but they're also homely and dull! Ratbert: Do I have to learn any computer skills? Dogbert: It seems like a requirement, but it's not. Dilbert: HEY!! 
19931029	Janitor: Hoo-boy! I hope you're not going to show this to anybody. Janitor: Oh, it's obviously a first draft. By now you've run it through the spelling checker. Dilbert: Technologists are concerned with *ideas*, not spelling. Janitor: Well, since you brought it up... 
19931030	Dilbert: I wish you'd realize that you're a garbage man, not an engineer. I don't need your suggestions on my designs. Dilbert: What are you writing? Oh yeah, as if I care. Janitor: If you need help understanding that, the paper boy will be by soon. I've been working with him. 
19931031	Dilbert: ... and no onions. Waitress: Very good, sir. Dilbert: You didn't write it down. You aren't even intending to get it right. Waitress: This way there's no incriminating paper trail... just your word against mine. Waitress: When you complain about getting the wrong meal I'll look at you like this. Waitress: Then I'll roll my eyes, causing you to wonder whether you misspoke when you ordered. Waitress: I'll offer to replace the meal but you know that will take forever and also come out wrong. Waitress: HOO-HA HA HA HA HA HA Waitress: And for you? Dogbert: Number five, hold the demonic hatred. 
19931101	Pointy haired boss: I borrowed a Japanese work custom -- sleeping tubes! Pointy haired boss: No more wasted time commuting. If you keel over from exhaustion we'll just cram you into a sleep tube. Dilbert: Which tube is mine? Pointy haired boss: You don't get a personal tube unless you're employee of the week. 
19931102	Pointy haired boss: In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called karoshi. Pointy haired boss: I don't want that to happen to anybody in this department. Pointy haired boss: The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. 
19931103	Ratbert: Yeah, I'd say that I've become a loved and respected member of the family. Ratbert: Sure, you had some initial prejudice because I'm a rat, but love won out. Ratbert: So, I was thinking maybe there's a better way to leave little bits of cheese around the house for me. 
19931104	Ratbert: It's time to walk the rat! Dilbert: You're confusing yourself with a dog. The proper way to exercise a rat is to strike it repeatedly with a rolled-up magazine. (title): Should Ratbert be spared? Send your vote by e-mail to: scottadams@aol.com 
19931105	Dogbert: We're being deluged by e-mail! Dogbert: The male writers heavily favor whacking Ratbert with the magazine. Dogbert: And we have a number of helpful suggestions involving power tools. Dilbert: Boys will be boys. 
19931106	(title): Ratbert's fate depends on the kindness of readers who are voting by electronic mail. Dogbert: Don't worry, Ratbert. You won't get whacked unless people think senseless cruelty is somehow "funny". Dogbert: Although I admit it would have a certain visual appeal. Ratbert: YOU'RE NOT HELPING!! (title) Conclusion Nov. 29 
19931108	Boss: I'm the boss. I can take the last bit of coffee without making a new pot. LOOK AT ME!! I'M TAKING THE LAST DROP!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Dilbert: An actual human would feel guilt in this situation. Boss: The pot needs washing. 
19931109	Boss: My boss says we need some eunuch programmers. Dilbert: I think he means Unix not eunuchs. And I already know Unix. Boss: If the company nurse drops by, tell her I said "never mind." 
19931110	Boss: I found a seminar that will teach fire-walking as a way to build confidence. Each of you will have to walk barefoot over burning coals while I watch. Dilbert: But amazingly, we learn how to do it without injury, right? Boss: No, that seminar costs a lot more. 
19931111	Caption: At the fire-walking seminar for managers. Instructor: Who will be the first to brave the hot coals? You will teach the others by your example. Now, what you learn from Wally's example is: don't use alcohol-based after-shave. (FOOSH.) 
19931112	Caption: At the fire-walking seminar for managers. Instructor: I don't think you're ready. Fire-walking requires complete confidence. Anything less could be dangerous. Dilbert: I'm just chilly. Instructor: Fine...Do it with your socks on. 
19931113	Dilbert: I made it though the fire-walking seminar uninjured by wearing asbestos lined socks. People always laughed because I lined my undergarments with asbestos -- but who's laughing NOW? Dogbert: Have you always feared your butt would catch on fire? Dilbert: It's not the kind of thing you leave to chance. 
19931115	Man: Hey, Dogbert! Long time no see! Dogbert: Ow!! I've never been good at suffering fools. 
19931116	Dogbert: I was wondering if you could build a phaser pistol so I can zap the many fools I encounter everyday Dogbert: Nothin lethal, just enough to make them twitch wildly and scream. It would be fun. Dilbert: That wouldn't be very nice to the fools Dogbert: I just think you guys should provide more value to the society
19931117	Dogbert: Dilbert won't build a phaser pistol for me. He thinks it's wrong to zap people for fun. Garbageman: Yeah, that would be wrong...unless the people you zap are themselves immoral, in which case you would be on the side of justice. Dogbert: I guess it's academic since I don't have a phaser. Garbageman: Here, borrow mine. 
19931118	Man: Hey, little dog, smile. It only takes two muscles! (ZAP.) AAAIII!! Dogbert: That took a few extra muscles, but I think it was worth it. 
19931119	Dogbert: I'm looking for the idiot who does the radio traffic reports. Reporter: Speaking of idiots, only an idiot would want to be in this traffic. Dogbert: That's for making me listen to inane segues. 
19931120	Dogbert: Thanks for letting me borrow your phaser. I recharged the batteries. Garbageman: I hope you didn't use it in anger. Dogbert: No, I was laughing most of the time. And I probably won't stop wagging until Tuesday. Garbageman: Good. 
19931122	Secretary: I sit innocently in my low-wall, clerical style cubicle. Manager: One copy, no staple. Secretary: Men with ivy-league degrees walk PAST the copier and ask me to make copies. I am...SECRETARY WITH A CROSSBOW. 
19931123	Secretary: My job satisfaction has gone way up since I got this crossbow. Hey, Russell! Answer your own phone once in a while! (FFFT.) Russell: We need to chat. Secretary: Chat this. 
19931124	Manager: May I slip in? I only need one copy. Carol: What's the message here? Is YOUR time worth more than MY time because you're a manager and I'm a secretary? Huh? This might sting for a second, but it'll remove your desire to make copies. 
19931125	Carol: The "secretary with a crossbow" goes on the hunt. Moby Dick! Dilbert: You've been harpooned again, sir. Boss: Yeah, but I capsized her desk. 
19931126	Squirrel said to Dilbert: "Dogbert insults you all the time and you treat him like your best friend. "Obviously, I need to give you some verbal abuse in order to cement our bond of love and friendship."  Dilbert to squirrel: "You're an idiot."  Squirrel: "Hey, I just bonded a little bit! This really works...you moron!"
19931127	Dilbert: Hi, I'm Dilbert and this is the physical manifestation of my ego. (SPLASH.) Ego: WORSHIP ME, FEMALE!! Dilbert: That's why I only feed it sparkling water. 
19931129	Dogbert: The e-mail votes have been tabulated.  The will of the people is that Ratbert shall be spared from getting whacked with a magazine. Dilbert: I guess there's nothing funny about random cruelty. Dilbert: AAAII!! Bob: Right! Cruelty is only funny if administered in a proper social context.
19931130	Pointy haired boss: Matt is fresh out of engineering school.  You'll be his mentor.  Whatever you do, don't crush his spirit before Wednesday. Dilbert: Why put it off so long? Pointy haired boss: Because I bet ten bucks we could string him along until Thursday.
19931201	Caption: Dilbert the mentor. Dilbert: This is called a "meeting." The objective is twofold: talk as much as possible and leave with no new assignments. That's okay...I thought your talking went very well. 
19931202	Caption: Dilbert the mentor. Dilbert: This is your computer. When you hear footsteps it's a good idea to move this thing around and click it. This concludes your technical training. If you have further questions just remember you're inconveniencing me. 
19931203	Boss: Congratulations, Mister Dogbert. You submitted the lowest bid for creating our corporate fitness program. The other bidders wanted money. You're the only one who offered to do it just for the laughs. Although I don't see what's so funny about it. Dogbert: Engineers...Aerobics...Think about it. 
19931204	Dogbert: Skeptics say that a company fitness program will not succeed. Let's do some aerobics and see who's right! Engineers: OUCH! WHAP! OW! UNH! The skeptics are right. Dogbert: We usually are. 
19931206	Dilbert: My chair is broken. Can you send a new one from the warehouse? Stock Mgr: No can do, my friend. All we have is chairs with deluxe armrests. They're only for managers who are one level higher than you. What do I suggest? I dunno...Maybe take some classes at night. I'm sure you can get promoted eventually. 
19931207	Dilbert: My chair is broken and the warehouse is out of "engineer chairs." And since I'm...you know...empowered, I thought I might order a "manager chair" for the time being. I've overstepped my authority, haven't I? Boss: Next you'll want a screen door on your cubicle. 
19931208	Dilbert: If the warehouse won't replace my broken chair, I'll just take one from somebody else. Technically, it's not stealing because the chair belongs to the company either way. What's the worst thing that could happen? Satan: Hold the elevator...Over. 
19931209	Dilbert: It's "Phil, the prince of insufficient light"! Phil: I saw you take that chair. I SUMMON ALL THE DEMONS AND TROLLS OF HECK TO COME FORTH AND PUNISH YOU NOW!!! Ed: I' Ed, from accounting. The others are at lunch. 
19931210	Dilbert: What's the penalty for stealing a chair? Satan: You are sentenced to sit in the break room used by the accounting department. Accountant: I like to type the number six. Accountant: Cripes! This is my Tuesday lunch bag. 
19931211	Ratbert: I'm writing a short story for people who don't have much patience. "Blah, blah, blah, whatever, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera." If it's a commercial success, the sequel practically writes itself. 
19931213	Stan: And our product has a thirty terabit RAM cache, just like your company needs. Tell him, Dilbert. Dilbert: It has no RAM. Stan: And it's capable of detecting tachion field emissions. Dilbert: You're confusing us with "Star Trek" again, Stan. Stan: We'll build that stuff into the next free upgrade. Customer: We'll take it! Dilbert: Beam me up, Spock. There's no life on this planet. 
19931214	Dilbert: Stan, you promised the customer things that engineering can't possibly deliver. Do you know what this means? Stan: It means I'm a great salesman and you're a crappy engineer. Maybe you should consider taking classes at night. Dilbert: Karate classes. 
19931215	Dilbert: Hey, Dogbert! I just discovered I can fit an entire change of clothes into an empty "Pringles" potato chip can. Most of the fabrics I wear can be rolled up pretty tight...so...uh... It's funny how the most brilliant idea can sound silly when you tell your dog. 
19931216	Dilbert: I need a name for my new tubular luggage invention. The name should be descriptive of its function, yet also call out to my target market. Go ahead...get it out of your system. Dogbert: "Dorkage." 
19931217	Woman: What happened to your clothes? Dilbert: I had them rolled up and stuffed in a "Pringles" potato chip can for a week. It's a prototype for my tubular luggage invention. Woman: Never speak to me again. 
19931218	Ratbert: I noticed I wasn't in any of your old photo albums, so I pasted myself into a few key places. Ratbert: Here I am hugging you when you're a baby... basically I put myself over all the pictures of this ugly woman. Dilbert: That ugly woman is my mom. Ratbert: Hey! I didn't raise you to talk bad about other people! 
19931219	Dilbert: My time machine is complete. Dogbert: I guess you'll be off to explore exotic and fascinating civilizations. Dilbert: Why would anybody want to do that? Dogbert: Beats me. Dilbert: My plan is to send all of our trash to ourselves twenty years from now. We'll have much better recycling methods by then. Dilbert: I wonder what elegant methods we'll have for recycling in the future. Dilbert: I bet we'll have a way that's quick and efficient and... Dilbert: Uh-oh. Dogbert: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Time machine: * PING * Dilbert: We would send it back in time and wait for it to decompose. Dogbert: I hate us. 
19931220	Dogbert: Here's my list of Christmas demands. Dogbert: Follow the instructions and nobody gets hurt. Dilbert: You're bluffing. You wouldn't hurt my plastic window Santa. Dogbert: One yank and he's off life support! 
19931221	Dogbert: Here's my list of Christmas demands, Ratbert. Dogbert: Since you have no money I included items which can be easily shoplifted. Ratbert: Thanks Dogbert: Or you can check the box where it says you agree to be my personal valet for life. Ratbert: I need to shoplift a pencil first.
19931222	Dogbert: Remember, Bob, it is better to give to Dogbert than to receive... especially at Christmas Bob the Dinosaur: But I don't have any income... except for the coins people drop when I give them wedgies. Bob (thinking): {It seems like exactly the wrong season to pick up the pace on this sort of thing.}
19931223	Dogbert: How can this be the season of good cheer when I don't even have my gifts yet? Dogbert: I mean, what if you get me something stupid? I'll hate you forever and have to run away. Dilbert: Your psychology won't work this year. I will not buy more gifts. Dogbert: You'll probably find me dead in some snow bank.
19931224	Dogbert: Several shopping hours left, and you just sit there. Dogbert: Did you really buy enough gifts for Dogbert? You worry. Guilt and doubt begin to grow at your gut... the pain... the pain... Dilbert: I thought it was the thought that counts. Dogbert: Don't believe the hype. 
19931225	Dilbert: You really put the family through some major gift-giving guilt this week, Dogbert. Ratbert: Family? Does that include little Ratbert? Dilbert: Welcome to the family, Ratbert. Dogbert: Don't expect much of an allowance. 
19931226	Date: You remind me of my old boyfriend Jack. Date: You're not as funny or as handsome... Date: But you *are* male, and that's just like Jack. Dilbert (thinking): {I can wait this out. She'll stop talking about him eventually.} Date: Oooooh... Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... Date: Oops, I slipped into an "old boyfriend coma" for a minute there. Dilbert: {That wasn't too bad.} Waiter: Are you ready to order? Dilbert (thinking): {It should be clear sailing from here on, with any luck at all. Date: Jack? 
19931227	Dogbert: I'd like your biggest map of the world for my war room. Dogbert: I'd like this for free. In return, After I conquer the world I'll make you ambassador to France. Salesman: Does that require travel? I get air sick. Dogbert: No problem. You'll have diplomatic immunity.
19931228	Dilbert: What's all this, Dogbert? Dogbert: I'm planning my world conquest. Dogbert: It shouldn't be too hard, given the fact I've probably sneezed more brain cells than the average human uses on election day. Dilbert: I usually vote a straight party ticket. Dogbert: I could be done before lunch. 
19931229	Dogbert: After I conquer the world I'll have a city named after you, Ratbert. Ratbert: Wow! Dogbert: But before I do that I'll change your name to Pittsburgh. Dogbert: If you play your cards right I'll change your last name to "yoo hoo" and have a beverage named after you too! Ratbert: YES! I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS! 
19931230	Dogbert: I can't decide if it would be better to conquer the world by building an army or starting a religion. Dilbert: Which one would have the least loss of life? Dogbert: That's what I'm trying to calculate on this spreadsheet. Dilbert: Why are you counting law students as two-tenths of a person? Dogbert: It doesn't drop to zero until they pass the bar. 
19931231	Dogbert: Would you like to sign this petition to end world hunger at no cost to you? (sign: End Hunger) Man: World hunger? Why does it say "I demand elimination of the government and the establishment of a Dogbert monarchy"? Dogbert: It's standard boilerplate. The lawyers insisted. Man: Man, those guys are in a world of their own. 
19940101	Dilbert: Mmm... Oh, Dilbert! Mmm... Dogbert: CUT! Dilbert: Do you really think this will make Mom stop worrying about me? Dogbert: Only if you raise your voice for the "Mmm" part. 
19940102	Ratbert: What is reality, mister garbage man? World's smartest garbage man: Are you sure you're ready for that, Ratbert? Ratbert: My mind is a blank slate! Garbage man: Okay... Time and motion are just illusions created by your inability to perceive everything at once. Garbage man: Everything that is possible exists as a path. You simply choose the path you wish to perceive. Garbage man: The only things you can't change are the experiences you're already perceived. Ratbert: My head hurts. Garbage man: The contents of a garbage can are determined by what path I choose to perceive, not by what somebody else chose to discard. Ratbert: OW! OW! Ratbert: Brain overload! Ratbert: Hey! There's a new VCR in here! Garbage man: C'mon, I'm expecting some great videos in the O'Briens' can. 
19940103	Pointy haired boss: I'm sorry Dave, but you're being transferred to Marketing and there's no budget to train you as a marketer. SLAP! Dave: Where am I? I need a drink. Pointy haired boss: This is a temporary fix... but you'll fit in now. 
19940104	Pointy haired boss: We've redesigned the organization chart to show management at the *bottom* supporting our most important employees! Dilbert: Question: Why do the most important employees get payed the least? Point haired boss: Because *they* would never think of ideas like this upside down chart concept.
19940105	Pointy haired boss: We're flattening the organization to eliminate levels and put everybody in a wide salary band. Pointy haired boss: Now instead of not getting a promotion you'll only not get a raise. Wally: So, what job title do we use? Pointy haired boss: You'll all be named Beverly. 
19940106	(Title): The boss's brain Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hummm} Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Theoretically, if I cut costs enough we'll be profitable without selling any products.} Pointy haired boss (thinking): {How do they get the ink into these things?} 
19940107	Boss: "Tim will be leaving the company to pursue other opportunities." Note the absence of key phrases such as "we regret" or "years of dedicated service." And notice that his new opportunity is not called "exciting." Dilbert: I think you're reading a little too much into that announcement. Boss: No, I'm reading the footnote. 
19940108	(BOOM!) (CRASH!) Engineer: I hear your company is trimming travel budgets. Dilbert: Can anyone lend me bus fare to get home? 
19940110	Pointy Haired Boss: Let's go around the table and give an update on each of our projects. Generic guy: My project is a pathetic series of poorly planned, near-random acts. My life is a tragedy of emotional desperation. Pointy Haired Boss: It's more or less customary to say things are going fine. Generic guy: I think I need a hug.
19940111	Co-worker: Dilbert, I'm forming a small clique of all the young, funny, single people in the department. We'll have drinks during lunch, talk about ski trips, and have romances within the group. Dilbert: Please just shoot me now. Co-worker: No, no...We need you to do our work. 
19940112	Co-worker: He's explaining something that I already understand. I've got to stop him. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Co-worker: I'll try vigorous nodding and agreeing, plus closed body language. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Co-worker: Right right right. Dilbert: And have I ever told you how "Velcro" works? Co-worker: Maybe if I block the oxygen to my brain... 
19940113	Dogbert: I call it "Dogbert's reincarnation investment fund." You give me your money now and I invest it until you reincarnate. The compound interest will make you rich! Dilbert: What if I come back as a cow? Dogbert: You'll save a fortune in milk. 
19940114	Dogbert: Invest your money in my reincarnation fund and you'll be rich in a future life. Investor: But I am rich in THIS life, for I have love in my heart and music in my soul. So, can you help me push my van home? Dogbert: It looks like you'll also have sharp pain in your muscles. 
19940115	Dogbert: Good news -- Your ratio of liquidity to stupidity is very low. You qualify to invest in my reincarnation fund! Investor: If my ratio is low, that means I'm...uh... Made of liquid! Dogbert: I'd say you're 98% water, 2% cheap suit, and what's left is your amazing brain. 
19940116	Dilbert: I invented a "stealth business suit" to avoid assignments at work today. What do you think, Dogbert? Dogbert: (blank) Dilbert: Ha ha! My sound dampers have cancelled you out! Now watch what happens if somebody tries to attach a little yellow sticky note to me. See! Nothing sticks to the special polymers! Dogbert: (blank) Dilbert: And my wireless phone and pager are encased in lead so they can't detect incoming calls. Well, I'm off to "work." Ha ha ha ha ha! Dogbert: There goes the happiest man who ever forgot it was Sunday. 
19940117	Dilbert: I...I'd like permission to keep a plastic plant in my cubicle. Sign: Cubicle Gestapo. Guard: Permission denied! Plants attract bugs. If I can't tell it's plastic how are the bugs going to know the difference? Dilbert: With all due respect, bugs are way smarter than you. Guard: Oh yeah? I'd like to see them do THIS job. 
19940118	Dilbert: I'm going to defy the cubicle Gestapo and keep this plastic plant on my desk. I'm a rebel...I'm evil. My antiperspirant is breaking down! Sometimes a man has to take a stand. Dogbert: Could he stand someplace else? 
19940119	Dilbert: I synthesized the pheremones that make men and women attracted to each other. A few splashes of this and I'll be irresistible. Dogbert: Do you feel any different? Dilbert: I'm starting to re-e-e-ally like me. 
19940120	Dilbert: I'm wearing a synthetic pheromone scent that makes me irresistible. It should kick in any minute. Woman: Uh-oh. Waiter! Here's three hundred dollars. If I start to flirt with him, kill him! Dilbert: So far so good. Woman: I've got to...mace...myself. 
19940121	Dilbert: The pheromone cologne is making women desire me physically, but they can't reconcile it mentally. Woman: N-n-no. Dilbert: It isn't fair...I'll have to wash the cologne off... (POW.) Right after my aerobics class. 
19940122	Dogbert: You're unsuccessful in love because you keep forgetting OPPOSITES attract. Logically, the women who would be most attracted to you are beautiful and intellectually stimulating. Dilbert: You're right. I've been underestimating my drawing power. Dogbert: And women love it when you pose like this for them. 
19940124	Boss: Our Elbonian division was the low bidder for launching French satellites into orbit. I'm putting you personally in charge. Make sure they use the right technology. Caption: Elbonia. Elbonian1: Oops. Elbonian2: I hope those things aren't expensive. 
19940125	Dilbert: The corporate office sent me to head up the Elbonian satellite launching program. Elbonian: Ooh...Bad timing. The French delivered their satellite early. We already tried to launch it with the town slingshot. Dilbert: It doesn't get much worse than this. Elbonian: It flattened the French embassy. They declared war an hour ago. 
19940126	Report: Project status: We accidentally destroyed the French satellite and are now at war with France. Elbonian: Maybe you should be a little more upbeat in your report. Emphasize the positive. Report: "...On a positive note, our headcount expenses are trending downward." 
19940127	Dilbert: The French are bombing us!! Run!! Elbonian1: We Elbonians are a hardy breed. Bombs don't scare us. (Sploit. Sploit.) 'Course I'd be lying if I told you this didn't sting like all get out. Elbonian2: "Nupe" it. 
19940128	Dilbert: ...The French stopped bombing Elbonia when they realized there was nothing worth destroying. Ironically, the GNP of Elbonia tripled by selling the bomb fragments for scrap. When I left they were trying to goad France into another war. Elbonians: You call this swill champagne?? If we drank this WE'D have to eat snails to get the taste out of our mouths too!! Sign: French embassy. 
19940129	Ratbert: The less you know, the happier you are. While you struggle with that computer, I'm naked, clueless, and f-e-e-e-ling GOOD! Dilbert: You're really annoying me now. Ratbert: Totally naked! Isn't that a hoot? 
19940131	Dogbert: I declare myself the patron saint of technology. I heal broken technology with my right paw and I use the scepter to drive out the demons of stupidity. Dilbert: I don't think I've seen your spiritual side before. 
19940201	"Saint dogbert seeks out technology that has been possessed by the demons of stupidity he happens across a software developer" Software developer: I'll make the command easy to remember, like ctrl-alt-F4-Del. And if they forget that they can just edit the source code in "command.com" saint dogbert: Out! Out!
19940202	Saint dogbert: Hold still while I exorcise the demons of stupidity that posess you. Out! Out! I command the demons of stupidity to be gone!! The suit is now safe. Pointy haired boss' suit: Thanks!
19940203	Dogbert: Is you job plagued by the evil demons of stupidity? Simply affix this image of Saint Dogbert to every document, cubicle or computer you want to protect and watch your career begin to change! OUT OUT!! YOU DEMONS OF STUPIDITY!! 
19940204	Dilbert: No, "C" is a computer language, not the grade for my project. Boss: What's happening? Dilbert: He turned into a black hole, so dense that light cannot escape his field of gravity. (Ping.) Unfortunately, only his ideas can escape the gravity because they lack substance. Boss: What if you program in "B"? 
19940205	Dilbert: I've got my 3-D stereo for life-like sound... I've got high definition television for life-like video... Dogbert: Do you have a life yet? Dilbert: No, but I'm darn close. 
19940207	Boss: I thought it necessary to provide detailed guidelines to our new casual dress code. Forbidden clothing includes: shorts, tank tops, tee shirts, shirts with slogans, blue jeans, sneakers, and sandals. Dilbert: My morale is soaring. Boss: Appendix "A" is the approved underwear list. 
19940208	Boss: The new dress code allows casual clothing on Fridays. You'll have to make actual fashion decisions that will be scrutinized by hundreds of your co-workers! Wally: I'm thinking "Garanimals" from "Sears." 
19940209	Boss: I realize that casual dress day isn't easy for you engineers... But you've exceeded the bounds of good taste. I've got to send you home to change. Dilbert: Shut up, Wally. Wally: I heard they were back! I swear! 
19940210	Boss: We must constantly ask ourselves what we can do to delight our customers. Alice: We could stop having these meetings, fire everybody in the room and lower the prices of our products. Boss: I was thinking more along the lines of a slogan. Wally: How 'bout "we waste your money"? 
19940211	Dogbert: Have you ever noticed how incredibly cute I am? Look at this little black nose, soft furry ears, adorable little tail...With these looks I could get away with murder. I'm thinking of becoming a hit man for the mob. Dilbert: I'm glad we have these talks. 
19940212	Dogbert: I found a way to profit from my innate cuteness. Introducing the limited edition "Baby Dogbert" ceramic figurine! Dilbert: I see -- it's a device to induce vomiting. Dogbert: The focus group was a disaster. 
19940214	Wally: What shall we tell the guy from marketing this time? Dilbert: Hee hee. Let's see if we can make him feel a sense of helpless desperation and fear. The time-division multiplexer opened a hole in the fabric of space. Wally: We're trapped in this meeting forever. 
19940215	Dilbert: I can't live my life trying to please others. Dogbert: I think I can speak for all others when I say "Fool! You'd better please us of we'll crush you!" Dilbert: It was just a thought. Dogbert: We "others" don't like to be threatened. 
19940216	Boss: As the leader of this organization, it's my job to set priorities. Carol: Here's your calendar. I booked you through next year with every yahoo who could dial your number. Boss: Maybe I'll call this a priority. 
19940217	Wally: I say it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. Ted: I say it's better to seek permission, thus delaying your personal risk until it all becomes moot in the next reorganization. Wally: That makes mine sound kinda stupid. Ted: Get over it. 
19940218	Boss: Although I'm technically the "boss" I believe it's my job to make resources available to you, the common employees. Dilbert: I need more money for my project. Boss: Sorry. All gone. Dilbert: Maybe I'll get on your calendar so we can discuss it. Boss: I've got ten minutes next summer. 
19940219	Dilbert: 35-inch monitor, 20 megs of RAM, 1.2 gigabytes of hard disk space... I feel a song coming on. People...who don't need people...are the ha-a-a-ppiest people. 
19940221	Boss: The layoffs will be handled in the most humane way possible. (POW! Shtk!) Dilbert: How long does the tranquilizer last? Boss: He'll wake up at the unemployment office. 
19940222	Wally: Here's your "buzzword bingo" card for the meeting. If the boss uses a buzzword on your card, you check it off. The objective is to fill a row. Boss: You're all very attentive today. My proactive leadership must be working! Wally: Bingo, sir. 
19940223	Alice: We've reached a new low in the "potluck lunch" sign-up. Twelve people signed up to bring bags of ice and one person is bringing salt. I need one of you to at least bring a beverage. Wally: Put me down for one bag of sparkling mineral water. 
19940224	Dilbert: Shhh. Wally: We were just talking about you, sir...in glowing terms. Dilbert: He's a flaming idiot. Wally: One stick of dynamite -- It's all I ask. 
19940225	Dilbert: You've completely eliminated the budget for technical training! I'm getting dumber every minute. My brain is starting to shrivel like a raisin! Boss: Get out of my office. Dilbert: Even my hair feels different. 
19940226	Susan: According to you, if I cut your budget the world will abruptly stop spinning and we'll be flung into space. Whereas, the risk of cutting Dilbert's project is "...a plague of locusts o'er the land." I'll cut both projects. With any luck, we'll fling the locusts into space. Wally: Locusts. Real good. 
19940228	Boss: I just read this great book about how to "reengineer" our business processes. Everybody's doing it. We'd better jump under the bandwagon before the train leaves the station! I'm putting you in charge. If you need any management support you know where to go. 
19940301	Boss: Reengineering is simple. You start by questioning employees who would get fired if you succeed. Then you use that objective data to design a more efficient business process. Dilbert: So...You say you use flying monkeys to deliver the finished design? Engineer: They're very fast. 
19940302	Dogbert: You should hire me as your process reengineering consultant. I would be totally objective about what jobs to eliminate. Frankly, I don't care about anybody at your company! Dilbert: You've got the right attitude. Dogbert: I think I'll wear a flowing robe and surround myself with cherubs. 
19940303	Dilbert: Here's our preliminary recommendation for radically reengineering our business processes. Boss: AAAGH! COUGH SPOIT! Dilbert: He coughed up his skull. Dogbert: I'll bet that smarts. 
19940304	Dilbert: Do you remember last election day and how you convinced me not to vote? You argued that since we disagreed on all issues, we could both stay home and the outcome would be the same as if we both voted. DOGS CAN'T VOTE!! Dogbert: Well, not directly. 
19940305	Dogbert: According to this, a technical degree becomes obsolete in five years. Dilbert: Do you mind? I'm trying to get some work done on the...uh... Doohickey. Dogbert: Uh-oh. 
19940307	Dilbert: We in engineering think of the marketing department as our customer, Fred. Fred: That's great. I'd like you to do a technical feasibility study for me. Wally: Would that require any work? Dilbert: I said "customer," not "boss." 
19940308	Boss: Susan, I want you to make some budget cuts throughout my department. Susan: But I'm only the budget analyst. I couldn't possibly understand all the engineering projects enough to make intelligent choices. Boss: Really? Great! I thought it was just me! Susan: Shall I whomp up a strategy while I'm at it? 
19940309	Boss: I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase. Dilbert: Is that because there will be fewer of us, doing more work? I'm right, aren't I? Boss: Except for the "us" part. 
19940310	Boss: The company has announced there will be no raises or promotions this year. Now, there's a mathematical certainty that no matter how hard you work, inflation will make you work forever. Dilbert: I hated the old way, with all the uncertainty. Boss: I'm not just a manager, I'm a leader! 
19940311	Dilbert: I'm telling you -- If nobody gets a raise, half of the engineers will quit! Boss: That's the goal. We're trying to reduce headcount by fifty percent. Dilbert: But all the SMART people will leave! Boss: Would you mind organizing a goodbye potluck lunch for them? 
19940312	Dilbert: At the current rate of inflation, with no raises or promotions... Our net worth at retirement will be...a shopping cart full of aluminum cans. We'd better do something. Wally: I'm going shopping before all the good carts are gone. 
19940314	Pointy haired boss:  All of our projects are floundering.  I decided on a bold new strategry. Dilbert: Let me guess.  You're going to randomly reorganize the department... Dilbert: Just like last month. Pointy haired boss:  You have to admit that's bold.
19940315	Boss: I'm creating a new layer of management so I don't have to talk to you in person anymore. Richard is your new boss. He has an MBA from Harfurd University. Dilbert: You mean "Harvard," don't you? Boss: Uh-oh. 
19940316	Boss: We'll need a name for the newly reorganized department. The name should reflect how I've seamlessly integrated engineering with food services and procurement. Dilbert: How about "chips and dips"? Wally: "Blind ambition." Engineer: "The unled." 
19940317	Dilbert: These constant reorganizations do not take into consideration the needs of the employees. Boss: I've decided to use you for spare parts. Your liver will be sent to Jose in accounting immediately. Dilbert: Jose has a bad liver? Boss: No, but why take a chance? 
19940318	Wally: Sometimes I think these constant reorganizations are just excuses for getting rid of unwanted employees. What job did you end up with? Dilbert: Organ donor. Wally: My shoulder is acting up. Do I talk to you or is there a form to fill out? Dilbert: I don't think that's an "organ." 
19940319	Boss: Susan, I'm reorganizing the department again. The budget you worked on for months is now worthless. Susan: I think when you have bad news you should make an effort to break it gradually, maybe build up to it. Boss: Oh, that reminds me: You're fired. 
19940321	Dilbert: Hi, Cheryl. Would you like to have lunch with me next week? Cheryl: I...uh...already ate lunch. I'm not hungry. Dilbert: I'm talking about NEXT WEEK!! Cheryl: I don't think I could have another bite. All full. 
19940322	Woman: Lunch? With you? I'd love to but...uh... I'm clinically dead. What you see are merely the last involuntary spasms before I stiffen. Dilbert: I have a hand truck. Woman: This was a very bad idea. 
19940323	Dilbert: Lisa, I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner Saturday night. Lisa: Uh...I have to wash my hair Saturday. How about having coffee here at work instead? Dilbert: I'll pass. I was hoping for someone with clean hair. 
19940324	Dogbert: I've become a doomsday prophet so I can scare gullible people. I'm telling everyone the world will end in year 2000. My compelling logic is that 2000 is a big round number. It's b-i-i-i-g and r-o-o-und. Dilbert: STOP IT!!! 
19940325	Dogbert: I'm predicting that the world will end in the year 2000. The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. So you really want to avoid being, let's say, in mobile home number 1,000,000 in the year 2000. Ratbert: I'm feeling anxiety. 
19940326	Dogbert: The end of the world is coming in year 2000. Therefore, you should give me your money before it's too late. It is written that money is evil. I'll keep your money in Dogbert's special "evil-be-gone" device. And it's completely deductible. (...from your savings.) Man: So I'm actually making money! 
19940327	Dilbert: I'm getting performance anxiety at the automated teller machine. I feel the impatient glare of the stranger behind me. I try to prove I'm competent by speeding through the menus. Good Lord, I hit the Mandarin Chinese language option. Oh no! I think I transferred my life's savings to the "United Way." Great...Now his eyeballs are stuck to the back of my neck. This is exactly why I hate going to the automated teller. Dogbert: I think a little "Visine" would make him slide right off. Dilbert: There was a time I could afford that... 
19940328	Wally: Zimbu the monkey designed three commercial products this WEEK! We'd better find out his secret. He's using his tail! He has a natural advantage! I feel the jaws of evolution on my throat. Dilbert: Good gravy! Did you see him cut and paste?! 
19940329	Boss: Well, well, it looks like Zimbu the monkee has designed another commercially viable product using only his tail. Dilbert: I could have done that...if I hadn't erased my hard drive when I installed my security software. I don't produce much, but it's VERY secure. Zimbu: Here's another one. 
19940330	Dilbert: Zimbu, you're not supposed to use your tail to operate the mouse. If tails were a natural advantage for engineers then evolution would provide us ALL with tails! Boss: Dilbert, I don't believe you've met Rocky, our new C programmer. 
19940331	Zimbu: Your big mistake, evolution-wise, was inventing computers that are easier to use if you have a tail. It's an ironic twist in the Darwinian saga. You've guaranteed the extinction of your own species. Dilbert: Stop working while I'm talking to you, Zimbu!! Zimbu: I can hear the evolutionary clock...Tic-tick-tick-tick. 
19940401	Zimbu: Evolution favors monkeys. Eventually, humans will be kept in cages as pets. Dilbert: Bah! Impossible! We humans will never allow ourselves to be treated like that! Now get out of my cubicle! 
19940402	Dilbert: Would you like some chicken, Bob? Bob: I told you I'm a vegetarian. I eat vegetables. Dilbert: How about fish? Do you eat fish? Bob: Fish are not vegetables. Dilbert: How about clams? Do you eat clams? Bob: No, but YOU'RE starting to look good. 
19940404	Dilbert: The only way to get ahead in this company is by getting promoted to management. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get promoted. I want to follow in your footsteps. But I'm wondering if a lobotomy is actually necessary. Boss: No. We'll just run you through "quality" training. 
19940405	Dilbert: I want you to teach me everything you know about corporate politics so I can get promoted to your level. Boss: To truly understand office politics you must wear a waste basket on your head for one full day. Caption: Later. Dilbert: Does this really work? Boss: It works for me. 
19940406	Dogbert: If you want to get promoted, say bad things about your co-workers so you look better by comparison. Dilbert: Geez, Lisa, it looks like you've been hitting the donuts pretty hard lately. Heh-heh...Big things are coming my way soon. 
19940407	Caption: Dilbert gets political. Dilbert: I'd love to have you and what's-her-face come to my little dinner party. I like to do a little gourmet cooking...when I'm not raising money to battle unpopular diseases. Carol: Is it just me, or the other guests crash dummies? Dilbert: It's just you. Boss: So, then I... 
19940408	Customer: What makes these a "value"? Sign: Value Priced Lottery Tickets. Dogbert: They're half the normal price, and yet the chance of winning is only one in ten million less. Customer: Hey! This is for yesterday's lottery! Dogbert: And your point is...? 
19940409	Sign: Value Priced Lottery Tickets. Ratbert: I am drawn by the allure of fabulous wealth and a life of hedonistic delight...One please. Ratbert: This is dated yesterday. Dogbert: Ooh, bad luck. Try again? 
19940411	Salesman: Our device conforms to all international standards for communications. Dilbert: In other words, it doesn't do anything useful and it's not your fault. Salesman: Is there somebody less experienced I could talk to? Dilbert: Do you have my boss's number? 
19940412	Boss: I hired a weasel to help us write our business case. Weasel: Whisper whisper. Boss: Did I say weasel? I meant mink. 
19940413	Weasel: Tell me about your project and I'll translate into weasel words for the business case. Dilbert: Well...An executive had lunch with a vendor and committed to buy some stuff that doesn't work. Our job is to cost-justify the decision. Weasel: I quit. Dilbert: Don't get all ethical on us. 
19940414	Boss: I agreed to ship project "dewdrop" to some customers for beta testing. Dilbert: Didn't you read my test report? Dewdrop explodes when you plug it in. Boss: We'll limit the beta trial to friendly customers. Dilbert: We killed all the friendly ones with project "ducky." 
19940415	Dilbert: You've got to delay the beta trial with customers until we figure out why it keeps exploding! Boss: You engineers are such pessimists. Just once, try to focus on the positive aspects of the trial! Dilbert: We won't need to hassle with "non-disclosure agreements." 
19940416	Woman: I've never minded putting makeup on, but it's a real bother to take it off. Dilbert: That seems like a lot of work, I must admit. But I still think it's better to remove the old stuff. Woman: It's only a problem at the bowling alley. 
19940418	Boss: Here's the press release about our bid to buy "DSN" for fifty billion dollars. Dilbert: ? Boss: DSN is the Hollywood studio that provides static to all the channels that would otherwise be blank. Dilbert: The "Dogbert static network"?!! Dogbert: Talk to me, babe. 
19940419	Dilbert: You can't copyright the static on blank TV channels! Dogbert: I already did. Dilbert: You can't let my company pay fifty billion dollars to buy your so-called film library. Dogbert: I already am. Dilbert: I may have to blow the whistle on this little deal. Dogbert: It'll have to be a nose whistle - I copyrighted everything else.
19940420	Woman: Bad news sir -- Our arch rivals are out-bidding us for control of DSN. Apparently they have even less creative investment ideas than we do. Boss: Quick! Give more money to our consultants!! Woman: They're spending it as fast as they can, sir!! 
19940421	Investor: We'll give you sixty billion for the "Dogbert static network." Half of that will be stock in our company. Dogbert: Who would want stock in a company that would pay sixty billion for static? Investor: Not us. That's the point. Dogbert: I'd like it all in Mercury dimes. 
19940422	Boss: From now on you'll be working full time on our takeover of DSN. You must also identify any unnecessary jobs that can be cut after the takeover. Dilbert: That would be the people who worked on the takeover. Boss: Ooh, I broadcasted that move. 
19940423	Dogbert: I plan to use my new wealth to build an amusement park. Dogbertland will have thrilling rides like "the wedgie" and I'll have a maze in front of the restrooms. Dilbert: The customers will hate this. Dogbert: If THEY want fun they can build their own park. 
19940425	Dilbert: Quantity...two sided reduced to 98%...collated...with staple...portrait...two colors...darken...legal size paper... (Thip! Crinkle! Spoit!) Secretary: If you want a photocopy set "thip crinkle and spoit" to no. Dilbert: It makes copies too?? 
19940426	Boss: This year, instead of raises we're giving appliances. Dilbert: What?! Boss: High performers could get a color television or a new 'fridge. Dilbert: He called it a "lava lamp." Dogbert: I call it a jar of mayonnaise. 
19940427	Boss: I want you to help me upgrade the computer in my office. Dilbert: The computer in your office is a cardboard prop that came with your desk. Boss: So, I need a new motherboard, right? Dilbert: No, you need a new desk. 
19940428	Boss: Take care of this immediately. It's your TOP priority. Dilbert: Top priority? This is dated last month. It's been on your desk for weeks and NOW it's your top priority?? Boss: I said it's YOUR top priority. I still don't care about it. Dilbert: Well...okay then. 
19940429	Co-worker1: THP-P-P-P-P. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LA-LA-LA-LA-HM-HM-LA-LA. Co-worker2: He's right! It IS just like a little fort!! Dilbert: Friday meetings. 
19940430	Dilbert: If we know our senior executive is making a bad decision, shouldn't we tell her? Boss: Hmm, yes. Let's end our careers by challenging a decision that won't change. That's a great idea. Dilbert: I'm getting mixed signals here. Boss: And let's pull our neckties until it hurts! 
19940501	Dilbert: Thank you all for coming to our engineering quality team meeting. Dilbert: Today we'll try to identify the root cause of our slow design process. Wally: Let me take some wild guesses here. Wally: Management keeps increasing our work and cutting our staff. Wally: We spend all our time giving status reports to unnecessary layers of management!! Wally: Now we're having all-day meetings to talk about our inefficiency!! Dilbert: I was kinda hoping for something that isn't anybody's fault. (Unnamed, possibly Ted): Our computers are too slow. We need new ones Dilbert: Now we're getting someplace. 
19940502	Dilbert: We could have our next all-day staff meeting at my house. Alice: Do you have actual furniture? Dilbert: Somebody will have to sit in the bathroom. Wally: I call bathroom. 
19940503	Wally: How foolish of you to host the all-day staff meeting at your house. Let's form sub-teams to be more efficient. Ted will do accidental spills. Alice, you critique the decor. I'll be a floater. Alice: Kitchen, shoddily done... Ted: I spilled some mayonnaise on the wall. Wally: Where's the bathroom? 
19940504	Caption: The staff meeting at Dilbert's house ends. Wally: I guess we're done abusing your tasteless hovel. Boss: Burp* Ted: It was somewhat dim-witted of you to invite us to your house. Let's do it again real soon. Dogbert: I wondered if I'd EVER get to use my "cops are wusses" bumper-stickers. 
19940505	Salesman: We don't know what the product should do or who would use it. But if you could tell us what it costs to build it, we'll figure out the rest later. Dilbert: What year do you plan to sell it? Salesman: What am I -- psychic or something? 
19940506	Dilbert: My user representative is the stupidest. Wally: No way! MY user is the stupidest. Dilbert: Oh yeah?! Let's have a little wager. Go get your user and I'll get mine! Wally: You're on! Dilbert: Have another scone, Tom. Tom: You're right. They do look just like Styrofoam cups. User: It's a new paradigm. 
19940507	Co-worker: I'm going to seek relief from my many woes by sharing them with you. My entire family is in a coma...The cat ate my wedding ring...The IRS is auditing us...My boss made a pass at me... It isn't working. You aren't absorbing my woes. Dilbert: I'm wearing anti-woe cologne. 
19940509	Dogbert: The Dogbert consulting company will plot a new course for your business. Dogbert: My consultants are so smart that their brains don't fit in their heads.  They have to strap the extra brains to their torsos. Ratbert: Why do I need a piece of liver strapped to my torso? Dogbert: I got a little carried away at the pitch meeting. 
19940510	Title: Ratbert the consultant Dogbert: It takes more then a brilliant analytical mind to be a business consulant. Dogbert: You also need to be arrogant and socially dysfunctional. Ratbert: Does anybody know why a consultant was brought in to do your thining? Anybody? Anybody?
19940511	Ratbert: I'm the project leader for the Dogbert consulting company. You simple employees shall do my bidding. I'll be sending you on an endless variety of data-gathering expeditions. That will keep you busy while I do the thinking. By the way, this may look like a slab of liver but it's an external brain pack. Dilbert: My career just reached an all time low. 
19940512	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: It looks like you've all done you assignments for me. You input is so important that I'll have it put in a big binder and stored in the same building that you president works! And I'll put in a good word for you when I meet with your boss later today. Dilbert: How about two good words? 
19940513	Pointy haired boss: when I hired the dogbert consulting company he said his consutants wer so smart they had to wrap their brains around their torsos.  pointy haired boss: but that looks like a slab of liver  ratbert: this slab of liver has an MBA from harvard you pointy-hair fool!!!  pinty haired boss: wow, you guys are good debaters. 
19940514	Ratbert: Here's my final consulting report on your company. I've listed all the deadweight employees who should be fired. Boss: This is the company directory. Ratbert: Finding that was a huge time-saver. 
19940515	Pointy Haired Boss: Hi, Guys.  How are your families? Wally: ? Dilbert: ? Dilbert: Why are you pretending to be interested in our personal lives? Pointy Haired Boss: It's a management technique to increase your job satisfaction without giving you more money. Pointy Haired Boss: My plan is to boost your intangible benefits while continuing to chisel away at your salaries. Pointy Haired Boss: But enough about me . . . How are those families of yours? Wally: My wife divorced me because you make me work so many hours. Dilbert: This job lowers my self-esteem too much to attract a mate. Pointy Haired Boss: Tell them I said "Hi".
19940516	Pointy Haired Boss: I'm putting you in charge of an important project which is fully funded. Dilbert: Gasp Dilbert: I'm a marked man.  The other employees will either try to suck up to me for money or throw bricks at me. Co-Worker: Buddy! Dilbert: The trick is to keep a protective ring of suck-ups around at all times. Brick: Zip!
19940517	Dilbert: Thank you all for coming to the project kick-off meeting. Dilbert: As project manager I've decided to not tell you the purpose of the project.  That way it will be harder for you to sabotage it. Co-Worker: Does it require any super-fast microchips? Dilbert: Good Lord, no.  Don't build any of those . . . by Tuesday.
19940518	Dilbert: Wally, would you like to be on my "TTP" project? Wally: What does "TTP" stand for? Dilbert:  It's short for The TTP Project. Dilbert: I named it myself . . . So, do you want to join? Wally: I'd rather be your arch-nemesis.
19940519	Dilbert: Your department has a reputation for being difficult to work with.  But I know we can cooperate to make my project a success. Co-Worker: I'd love to help but my head is full of birdseed and my pants are glued to this chair. Dilbert: I'll talk to your boss. Co-Worker: Good luck.  He's a soap carving.
19940520	Pointy Haired Boss: How's your project coming along? Dilbert: It's under-funded and doomed.  But I've got some good inertia going and I'm setting up the marketing department to take the blame. Pointy Haired Boss: I feel like I should be doing something here. Dilbert: I've got you scheduled to make an uninformed decision next week.
19940521	Pointy Haired Boss: We just had a meeting and decided to change your project substantially. Pointy Haired Boss: We didn't invite you to the meeting because things go smoother when nobody has any actual knowledge. Dilbert: So what are the changes? Pointy Haired Boss: If I remember I'll leave you a voice mail.
19940522	Co-Worker: Let's spend the next four hours reviewing the project plan. Co-Worker: I've detailed every resource, task and dependency into an exquisitely accurate road map. Co-Worker: It took me two weeks, but it's the only way to make sure we're not wasting time. Alice: My tasks are two weeks late because I was waiting for your input. Dilbert: And you left off one task, so all the dependencies are wrong. Wally: I'm changing all of my estimates to "to be determined". Dilbert: Can we do that?!  I've been using random numbers Co-Worker: I'll have to redo the whole plan. Wally: Don't worry.  We won't do anything until we hear from you.
19940523	Dilbert: Did you remember what the steering committee decided about my project? Pointy Haired Boss: Nope. Pointy Haired Boss: You'd better call a meeting with all the department heads.  Their orders will override the steering committee and make it a moot point. Dilbert: It will take months to get on all of their calendars. Pointy Haired Boss: And don't invite yourself.  It's for leaders only.
19940524	Boss: I was just reading your project status report. You say the project is delayed "due to the ongoing bungling of a clueless, pointy-haired individual." Instead of saying "due to," it would read better as "facilitated by." 
19940525	Boss: I'm canceling your project so I can give your funding to a project that has a much cooler acronym. Dilbert: Ha! The joke's on you! I anticipated this move from the beginning and have done nothing but carry empty binders for weeks! Being good at your job is less fulfilling than you might think, Dogbert. 
19940526	Ratbert: Why is that thing called a mouse and not a rat? At the risk of being labeled, quote, politically correct, unquote, I must object. I demand to have something named in my honor! Dilbert: What about the "Scuzzy" interface? Heehee. 
19940527	Ratbert: From now on, Bob, please refer to me as a "rattus," not by the diminutive term "rat." Bob: Frankly, I've never thought of folks like you in terms of your genus. I see you as part of a larger community. Ratbert: Really? Bob: Yeah -- the community of things that go "squeak" when I step on them. Ratbert: That's so funny I forgot to laugh. 
19940528	Ratbert: From now on, I prefer that you not refer to my genus by the derogatory word "rat." The correct word is "rattus." It is the right of any group to define its own name. You must respect that. Dogbert: Don't call me a dog anymore. From now on my correct name is "smarter-than-a-stupid-rattus." 
19940530	Dogbert: I recently received this angry letter from a Mister "Dork." Mr. Dork informs me that the many people surnamed Dork are not amused that I once used the word "dorkage." He demands an apology. I apologize to all the dorks who were offended. I hope we can put this behind us. 
19940531	Boss: Dilbert, I'm sending you to "Diversity Sensitivity" training. Alice doesn't have to go because chicks are born already knowing this stuff. It's as natural as shopping and crying. Dilbert: Can I get a "Midol" for either one of you? (Whump. Whump. Whump.) 
19940601	Wally: I can't believe we had to go to "Diversity Sensitivity" training. Dilbert: Wally, I don't see how it could be bad to seek a better understanding of others. Uh-oh. Dogbert: Take a seat in the "dumpy white guy section." I'm ready to start. 
19940602	Dogbert: In "Diversity Sensitivity" training you will learn to respect those who are different. People basically fall into these four groups. Board: Ugly Smart / Cute Smart / Ugly Stupid / Cute Stupid. Dilbert: This is different than I expected. Dogbert: I notice that all of you are in this box here. 
19940603	Dogbert: In this sensitivity exercise, close your eyes and imagine how it feels to be a woman. Wally: People acknowledge my existence. They smile for no reason and hold the door open. I'm...I'm popular. Ted: I can't find my keys. Wally: I'm never going back. I can't. I won't. Ted: My blouse falls to the floor... Dogbert: Break! Break! 
19940604	Boss: You've got inflation eating you from the bottom...and no real opportunity for a promotion. And as long as all the other companies are downsizing too, you have no leverage. I can get away with anything. Dilbert: I miss the eighties. Boss: Does this hurt? 
19940606	Dilbert: Is Bob in his office? Secretary: Since Bob's office is all of twenty feet away, I'll have to use my psychic powers to determine the answer. Dilbert: I could look. Secretary: Bob hates you. He secretly wishes you'd choke on a donut. 
19940607	Boss: This desktop video conference thing is great! Even though you're telecommuting, you still maintain a level of professionalism. Dilbert: Let's share a document next time. 
19940608	Pointy haired boss: I saw the code for your computer program yesterday. Pointy haired boss: It looked easy. It's just a bunch of typing, and half the words were spelled wrong. Pointy haired boss: And don't get me started on your overuse of colons. Dilbert: They remind me of you, sir. 
19940609	Dilbert: If I start the project today and work nights and weekends it will take...oh, six months. Boss: It has to be done in ONE month so we can show it to our VP on her annual visit. Dilbert: I have to know; Does it even cross your mind to handle this differently? Boss: I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind. 
19940610	Dilbert: I've never seen you do any real work around here, Irv. How do you get away with it? Irv: I wrote the code for our accounting system back in the mid-eighties. It's a million lines of undocumented spaghetti logic. Dilbert: It's the holy grail of technology!! Irv: You boys may find a little extra in your envelopes this month. 
19940611	Ratbert: I wish I were smart like you. Then I'd get some respect. Garbageman: We're all smart in different ways. Your special gift may be creativity, a talent, or even the ability to love. Ratbert: I can burp my cheeks full...Urp* Garbageman: I'd go with that if I were you. 
19940613	Boss: EMERGENCY ASSIGNMENT!! URGENT! URGENT! Dilbert: It's only critical because everything sits on your desk until it either becomes moot or a crisis. Boss: From now on I'm giving him the moots. Bins: Aging / Crises / Moot. 
19940614	Boss: The company cares deeply about the effects of long hours and stress on the workers. So they're paying nearly $200 to have an expert on stress-reduction give a talk during lunch. Dilbert: Just when you think they don't care, something like this comes along. Boss: It's scheduled for last Tuesday. 
19940615	Dilbert: I joined the soccer league. I've never played, but as an engineer I have a natural instinct for ball trajectory and passing angles. Dogbert: Where does the team play? Dilbert: Coach doesn't want to ruin my concentration by telling me. 
19940616	Coach: Dilbert, You'll be playing the left striker position. One of our good players will try to strike you in the head with the ball and bank it in the goal. Liz: "It" being the ball, not your head. Dilbert: I'd better take off my glasses. Liz: No, don't. I included their dampening effect in my calculations. 
19940617	(Bonk.) Dilbert: Gee, I've scored five goals that way. Liz: You've got a good head for this game. 
19940618	Dilbert: Liz, I noticed you're not wearing a ring. Would you like to go for a pizza after the game. Liz: Oh, I do have a ring. It's so big I can't wear it. A team of eunuchs follows me around with it in a special van. Dilbert: Flop-sweat time. Liz: You're gullible. I like that. 
19940620	Boss: We've never needed a corporate headhunter before, but now it's the only way to solve our staffing problem. Dogbert: Are you aware that headhunters find NEW employees? We don't behead the ones you already have. Boss: I don't suppose you'd be flexible... Dogbert: I could find a disgruntled ex-post office employee for you. 
19940621	Dogbert: Hello, this is Dogbert's professional headhunting service. I find jobs for the most talented technical professionals. Several people mentioned your name. So, is it true they'll be looking for somebody to fill your job soon? Hello? 
19940622	Caption: Dogbert the headhunter. Dogbert: The job pays a hundred thousand. But you'll have to move to a place so cold that mercury freezes. Prospect: I'll take it. How bad could it be? Dogbert: Keep your drivers license on you so you can look up your gender if you forget. 
19940623	Dogbert: This is Dogbert's headhunting service. I've got a job that pays a hundred thousand per year and requires no skill whatsoever. No, I didn't say it's available. I called to brag about my own job. 
19940624	Liz: I'm a nineties kind of woman. I demand equality but the man must pay for dinner. And recent surveys show that many women my age think it's okay to slap a man. Dilbert: Really? Did they name the man? Liz: Don't make me come over there. 
19940625	Liz: I can tell that you like me because you don't quite know what to do with your hands. To test my hypothesis I will hold this hand and observe the change. The "control" hand remains limp and clammy. It's twin loses control. Hypothesis confirmed. (Thupa thupa thupa thupa thupa.) 
19940627	Dogbert: I'm going to start my own book publishing company so I can reject people all day long. I'll dismiss their life's work with a gesture and a witty comment. Bottom line, I'm just not a people person. Dilbert: I've noticed. 
19940628	Dilbert: How's the book publishing business coming along? Dogbert: Great! I get to reject dozens of authors every day! I call them untalented dolts and they THANK me for it. Dilbert: Eventually, you have to actually publish something. Dogbert: Yeah, well, that's the conventional wisdom. 
19940629	Caption: Dogbert the publisher. Dogbert: I'd like to publish your book. All it needs are a few minor changes. Make the main character a purple dinosaur instead of a detective. Add some upbeat songs and eliminate the murder. Writer: It's a murder mystery!! Dogbert: Oh, that's original. 
19940630	Caption: Dogbert the publisher. Memo: Dear Tim, Your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. And by association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript. I would use the return envelope you provided but I'm afraid you might have licked the stamps. 
19940701	Dilbert: I think I found a woman who likes me, Dogbert. Dogbert: No way! Dilbert: It's Phil, prince of insufficient light! Phil: Heck just froze over. Dilbert: This is NOT my fault! Phil: Tell them. 
19940702	Dilbert: This was our third date, Liz. Tradition demands that you kiss me or give me the "let's be friends" talk. Liz: No, our first date only counted as 85% of a date because we were wearing our sweat pants. Dilbert: I'm only 15% short?!! Liz: It's too bad, because I really felt like kissing. 
19940704	Dilbert: Here's my daily project status report. Memo: "Morale is low. There is talk of mutiny. We dream of quitting and becoming lifeguards on Baywatch. Death to the pointy-haired one." Boss: Holy cow! "Baywatch" is hiring??! 
19940705	Boss: Do you remember when the company president visited? You asked why your project had been canceled. He promised to get an answer. That task has been delegated all the way back down to me. I'd like you to craft a response for me. You'll have to put your new project on hold until this is done. 
19940706	Dilbert: Uh-oh...It's never good when we get mail from the benefits department. Memo: "Retire NOW or we'll invest your entire pension in Haitian penny stocks." Dilbert: Have you notices a change in tone lately? Wally: Little do they know I'm a contrarian investor. 
19940707	Ratbert: Dogbert told me about the birds and the bees. The bee part confuses me. It seems like I'd get stung. And as for the birds, I just wouldn't know the words to say. Dilbert: Try a humming bird. 
19940708	Ratbert: My philosophy is "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Of course, the whole thing depends heavily on life also providing a big pitcher with ice and a few glasses. WHAT? NO NAPKINS?! 
19940709	Dogbert: As my dogumentary begins, we see the engineer hard at work. Suddenly he leaps into action! Years of training and experience come into focus! The screen saver has been deactivated. But doubt sets in...Was there a better way? Dilbert: I should have moved the mouse. 
19940711	Dogbert: I'm starting a new career as a technology pundit and columnist. This mostly involves forming angry opinions about things I haven't got the time to understand. "Is the RISC processor appropriate for senior citizens? Hello!! Is anybody home?!!" 
19940712	Dilbert: What makes you think you're qualified to be a technology columnist? Dogbert: It's easy. In this article I explain why I'm smarter than the entire Microsoft corporation. Dilbert: Actually, they're mostly geniuses and many are millionaires. Dogbert: If they're so smart, why aren't they columnists? 
19940713	Dilbert: I oppose putting career criminals in jail for life. There's no evidence that longer sentences reduce crime. Dogbert: So, your theory is that when career criminals are in jail, other people commit more crimes to keep the average up... Dilbert: Statistics don't lie, Dogbert. Dogbert: Unless bad statistics went to jail -- then the others WOULD lie. 
19940714	Employee: So now I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Boss: Zzzz. Employee: You don't care about the health of your employees! All you care about is money!! Boss: Money? Employee: I NEED SURGERY! I'M IN CONSTANT AGONY!! Boss: False alarm. Zzz. 
19940716	Co-worker: I guess it's time to go back to my dimly lit cubicle and see if my carpal tunnel has crippled me yet. This is a lot like my last job as a coal miner, but without the threat of a gas explosion. Boss: I'm moving you to a new cubicle over by Wally. Dilbert: Better get a canary. 
19940718	Caption: GREAT SOLUTIONS IN ENGINEERING. Problem: Bicycle seats are hard. They hurt. Analysis: There must be something wrong with your pants. Dogbert: Solution: Dorky pants. 
19940719	Ratbert: I may not be smart and I may not be attractive... BUT I AM AERODYNAMIC!! Dilbert: That might come in handy in a minute. Ratbert: Blow on me. 
19940720	Dogbert: I got a job as the head of market research at your company. I'll be pulling down $120K per year. I don't value other people's opinions so I'll just use my own. Just for reference, how much does honesty pay these days? Dilbert: Shut up. 
19940721	Dogbert: In market research terms, you belong to the "techno geek" segments. You're shy, boring, gullible and male. You prefer computers to people. There's always a spider on your arm. Made you look. 
19940722	Dogbert: I'd like your opinion for my market research, Ratbert. Ratbert: Me?!! Dogbert: I've lumped you in the market segment that includes wild fungi and pencil erasers. Question one: Would you enjoy having your head rubbed vigorously on a piece of paper? Ratbert: Who wouldn't? 
19940723	Dogbert: My market research indicated that 50% of your customers are above the median age. But the shocking discovery was that 50% were BELOW the median age. Boss: What percent are exactly the median age? Dogbert: I'm proposing to study that in phase two. 
19940725	Dilbert: It seems almost unnatural for me to have an actual girlfriend. Liz: Why? Dilbert: It's like when the captain on "Star Trek" falls in love, and you know the woman will die in an unlikely accident. Hey! We just saw our first shooting star! 
19940726	Ratbert: A hush comes over the crowd. This would be Ratbert's most difficult dive. Dilbert: I give it a two. Ratbert: The judges were cruel but Ratbert captured the hearts of the audience. Endorsements would follow. 
19940727	Boss: From now on, twenty percent of your pay will depend on the company meeting its sales targets. In effect, we'll cut your pay and tell you it's your own darn fault. Dilbert: Will the sales target be based on a complex formula and involve numbers that can't be accurately measured? Boss: You broke the code! 
19940728	Boss: Our CEO will visit here next week. You all know what to do. Dilbert: We should stop all productive work and create overhead transparencies that exaggerate our value. Boss: And a few of our uglier co-workers will be replaced by actors. Dilbert: As long as it's not Gerard Depardieu. 
19940729	Pointy haired boss: Have you summarized your accomplishments for our CEO? Dilbert: Almost done. Dilbert: Okay -- My body converts toxic waste into penicillin, I'm clairvoyant, and I invented wool. Pointy haired boss: I thought sheep invented wool. Dilbert: Who are you going to believe, them or me? 
19940730	Pointy haired boss: Our CEO cancelled his visit. He's sending his top aid, Zimbu the monkey, in his place. Dilbert: Isn't that typical? I spent a week exaggerating my accomplishments for this. Now he sends a stupid monkey! Dilbert: What could be more humiliating than trying to suck-up to a monkey?  Zimbu the Monkey: Failing at it? 
19940731	Boss: I'd like to boost morale by presenting this "attaboy" certificate to Willy. Wally: It's Wally, not Willy. Boss: "I" becomes an "A" with a dot over it. Anyway, this is for your good work on the Alpha project. Wally: Thanks, but I didn't work on the Alpha project. Boss: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU LAZY IMPOSTER!!! With a little bit of luck, I can pull this out. I give you your Indian name: "Wallyina." 
19940801	Boss: We've hired the Dogbert ad agency to give our company a new image. Dogbert: I used a computer to suggest a new hi-tech name for your company. The program randomly combines words from astronomy and electronics. The first choice is "Uranus-Hertz." Boss: I like it. Alternative strip: Boss: Mark, I'd like you to... Mark: AAAGH! Sure, sure...I'll do it, but I'll have this expression the whole time. And just maybe I'll complain behind your back!! Boss: Never mind. I'll do it myself. Mark: Oh, right, keep the GOOD assignments. 
19940802	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: I've developed a new slogan that captures the essence of this company. "We abuse our employees and pass the savings to you." We'll film actual employees in their squalid cubicles. Boss: Wear that shirt. 
19940803	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: Your commercials should compare your BEST assets to the competitions WORST. We'll use a hidden camera to film your employees on the job. Boss: I missed something here... Dogbert: We'll imply that they all work for the competition. This isn't a documentary. 
19940804	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: The commercial will show company cars braking hard to avoid pedestrians. The message is "We care about people we don't even know!" Boss: Was it dangerous to film this? Dogbert: We'll sell the bloopers to Dick Clark. 
19940805	Dilbert: Here's the final decision for project "zebra." I worked day and night for weeks to finish it on time. Boss: I canceled that project a month ago. I meant to tell you. Dilbert: In some countries it would be legal to kill you with this binder. Boss: That's why I don't travel. 
19940806	Cat: Thanks for inviting me over, Dogbert. We little hairless cats are usually shunned. (FSSS.) Dilbert: I would have bet anything that that wouldn't work. Dogbert: Now the goldfish. Cat: Hair!! 
19940807	Boss: Laurie's our new engineer. Show her the ropes, Dilbert. I meant figuratively. Dilbert: This is your anti-productivity pod. It's equipped with a little device that rings anytime you try to concentrate. The top is open so none of the background noise is inadvertently muffled. And you're on the main aisle, so you'll be haunted every minute by footsteps behind you. Step. Step. Step... Boss: We need to talk. 
19940808	Liz: We've been dating for a while and I find you oddly appealing... But I don't believe in getting physical until after I'm married. Dilbert: Wouldn't your husband get mad? Liz: Sometimes it's okay just to look sad and shut up. 
19940809	Dogbert: I don't understand something, Liz. You told Dilbert you don't want to be physical until after marriage... I would expect him to be cranky around the house, yet he's quite relaxed...serene. I don't see how...unless... Did you discover religion? Dilbert: I think I'm a Unitarian. 
19940810	Boss: Profits are down again this quarter. Engineers: That's bad. Boss: Starting tomorrow, you'll have to bring your own pencils to the office. Engineers: That's bad. Boss: And you'll have to sell them out on the sidewalk. Engineers: That's bad. 
19940811	Boss: This will be a tough year for the company. It will take a special kind of team to get by. Alice: Go team! Ted: Team! Team! Wally: Yes! Boss: Specifically, it will take a much smaller team. 
19940812	Dilbert: Wally, you're invited to a "still single" shower in my honor. I'm trying to recoup all the money I've blown on wedding gifts and baby showers. Alice: Someone's feeling a little bitter today. Dilbert: I have a pattern registered at "Electron Hut." 
19940813	Dogbert: And now I will give you my impression of a dog in space. Physical humor is a lost art. Dilbert: Let me know if you find it. 
19940814	Captions: "Friends" explained. A very special "Dilbert." Close friends. Woman 1: May I borrow your gum? Woman 2: Sure. Reach in and take what you need. Caption: "Buddies." Man 1: Can I borrow your hammer? Man 2: Why not use your forehead as usual? Caption: Work friends. Dilbert: So, how's your wife? Wally: Dead. Same as last week. Caption: Boyfriend/girlfriend (stereotypical view). Woman: Love. Man: Lust. Caption: Boyfriend/girlfriend (modern correct view). Woman: Lust. Man: Television. Caption: Platonic friends. Woman: Television? Man: Lust. Caption: Man's best friend. Dogbert: By my estimate there are 26 billion females who do NOT desire you. Dilbert: Name them. 
19940815	Wally: Hey, Matt. How's our favorite management fast-tracker? Matt: Great! I've got two minutes to deliver my big report to our CEO. Can you tell me where the fax is? (Bzzzzp.) Wally: Oops, I'm wrong. That's the shredder. Dilbert: He'll go far in this company. 
19940816	Dilbert: I spent the entire day getting new assignments which left no time to actually work on anything. Dilbert: Tomorrow I'll spend the entire day explaining why I didn't finish yesterday's work. Dilbert: Sometimes I don't know the difference between me and a hamster on a wheel. Dogbert: Hamsters don't depress me.
19940817	Pointy haired boss: Our two goals this year are to downsize and to improve customer service. Dilbert: Question: How can you improve service if you're getting rid of service people? Pointy haired boss: Who do you think is screwing up the customer service? Duh...
19940818	Pointy haired boss: You're fired, Wally. But since we care, we've contracted an outplacement agency to help you. Pointy haired boss: You'll get your own cubicle. And you can make all the photocopies you want! Wally: What would I want to photocopy? Pointy haired boss: Food stamps, dollar bills, that sort of thing.
19940819	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert outplacement agency, or "DDA" as I call it. Here, nobody is "unemployed." You're freelance consultants who sit in cubicles and earn no money. Every cubicle is equipped with a phone and a refurbished ego. Ego: I will NOT work with that thing. 
19940820	Ratbert: I discovered I can look interested in what people are saying by making my eyes big. Ratbert: Go ahead - say something. I'm ready. Dilbert: I'm trying to get some work done here. Ratbert: Work, you say? Very interesting.
19940821	Boss: Your proposal doesn't address the alternatives. Dilbert: There aren't any reasonable alternatives. Boss: THERE ARE ALWAYS ALTERNATIVES! GIVE ME ALTERNATIVES!! No wonder nothing gets done around here -- not enough alternatives. Dilbert: "We could lobby the government to give tax breaks to all idiot-run businesses." "I could quit this stupid job and start a new career handing out towels at the gym." "Or we could use cow chips instead of microchips and save millions." Boss: What's a cow chip? Dilbert: This job would be an example. 
19940822	Dilbert: The only way to finish the project on time is by adding four engineers. Wally: There's one other option. You could make menacing statements about Dilbert's job security until he works five times as hard. Wally: Just kidding. Hee hee! Pointy haired boss: I've been thinking about reducing headcount.
19940823	Sign: Genetic research. Dogbert: I'd like you to clone an army of obedient slaves for me. I plan to conquer the world and have dominion over all living things. Scientist: I mostly work on giant cucumbers. Dogbert: Mix in some arms and legs and give me two packages of seeds. 
19940824	Dilbert: What are you planting? Dogbert: I'm growing an army of genetic mutants to do my bidding. Half man, half giant cucumber, these unthinking brutes will help me conquer the earth! Dilbert: Didn't you try this with sea monkeys last year? Dogbert: None of them survived boot camp. 
19940825	Dogbert: I created you cucumber mutants to assist me in my bid for world domination! Caption: Bulletin. I interrupt this strip because the whole giant cucumber theme isn't as funny as I thought it would be. Let's go directly to the big finish. Scott. Dogbert: Then Waldo grabbed the "salad shooter." There were peels everywhere! Dilbert: Sounds like quite a pickle. 
19940826	Boss: Sue was hired to run our new "dignity enhancement" program. Her charter is to help the employees feel good about themselves while they work harder for less money. Dilbert: How can we afford to hire somebody new? Boss: Do you remember those co-workers you used to have? 
19940827	Dilbert: I am the king of my cubicle, the absolute ruler of this tiny realm. And these are my loyal subjects: Mister Computer, Mister Stapler, and the Binder family. Wally: Who spilled the coffee? Dilbert: The barbarian is thwarted at the moat. 
19940828	Dilbert: The image is fuzzy because the monitor has an acute design flaw. Alice: Acute?  That's an unusual choice of words. Alice: Would you have said "acute" to a male co-worker?  I think not. Dilbert: It means crucial, that's all!! Alice: I know what the word means!  Do you think I don't see right through your sexist puns?! Dilbert: No!  I swear, it was just a poor choice of words!! Alice: Well okay I accept your apology this time Alice: So, what's wrong with the other monitor? Dilbert: Which?
19940829	Pointy Haired Boss: I want all of you to prepare reports explaining why your jobs shouldn't be outsourced to consultants. Dilbert: "It is my job to write this report.  But if I were a consultant it would make no sense to compare me to myself.  Outsourcing is illogical. Dilbert: For some reason, I'm not taking as much pride in my work lately.
19940830	Dilbert: I'm going to take classes at night and get an MBA. Dilbert: I don't need a big-name school.  I'm in this for knowledge, not prestige. Dogbert: How about "Tony's House of MBA's"? Dilbert: The babe ratio is better at "MBA-o-rama".
19940831	Dilbert: I'd stay and work some unpaid overtime with you but I'm taking MBA classes. Dilbert: If you took MBA classes you'd understand that working for free is a low NPV. Dilbert: If you don't mind, before big tests I'd like to rub your head for luck. Wally: It'll cost you a nickel.
19940901	Instructor: Let's start with a brief refresher in macro economics. This diagram explains why I'm an expert in money yet I dress like a flood victim. Board: $; Lottery; i-->V; GNP; 4pzi; 10^3; Luck; E=MC^2; New; Coke. Instructor: You'll have no trouble with the rest of the course unless your mechanical pencil jammed...Let's erase... 
19940902	Dogbert: I don't know how you do it.  You work all day and now you take classes at night. Dogbert: It's hard, but you're gaining knowledge that couldn't be obtained any other way. Dilbert: Whump Dilbert: Hey!  I can hold eleven "Cheerios" in my nose! Dogbert: And it's knowledge you can apply.
19940903	How Decisions Are Made Pointy Haired Boss: 1 - 2 - 3 Pointy Haired Boss: Rock!  Scissors! Pointy Haired Boss: Your project is approved . . . unless scissors can't cut rock. Dilbert: Assume it's sheet rock.
19940904	Dogbert: Pssst. Dogbert: You're probably noticing how soft and cute I am. Woman: Aww!  You're adorable!  Let me give you a little pet on the head. Dogbert: I couldn't.  I'm too shy. Woman: Shy?  That is just so cute I have to pet you now. Woman: Come here, you little tease!  You know you'll like it! Dilbert: Don't you understand the word "No"?! Dilbert: I could do this all day long. Dogbert: How about the red-head?
19940905	Dogbert: From now on, I'm going to charge anybody who gives me their opinion. Dogbert: People are idiots.  If I have to listen to their opinions, I deserve compensation. Dilbert: You're forgetting that "from the mouths of babes . . . comes . . . something good". Dogbert: That'll cost you a buck.
19940906	Dogbert: People are so stupid they should pay me to listen to their opinions. Dogbert: If you disagree, you can call my phone poll at 555-DOG-BERT.  Each call costs two dollars. Ratbert: I'm voting twice.
19940907	Pointy Haired Boss: We'll be getting a new "Bungee Boss" sometime today. Bungee Boss: Sproing Bungee Boss: Hi-I'm-your-new-boss-let's-change-everything-before-I-get-reassigned-oops-too-late-goodbye. Wally: He was like a mentor to me. Dilbert: I think he made a difference. Pointy Haired Boss: Incoming!
19940908	Dogbert: I'd like a job where I can telecommute every day. Dogbert: It should be high-paying yet have goals which can't be measured. Pointy Haired Boss: So, you'd stay home and we'd mail you checks? Dogbert: I was hoping for direct deposit.
19940909	Dilbert: This chart shows the decision process we're using for my project. Dilbert: Here we're wasting money.  Then someone said "Hey, let's create a complicated chart".  Now we're at this meeting, talking about the chart. Pointy Haired Boss: I have a question. Dilbert: Great . . . there goes the plan.
19940910	Pointy Haired Boss: Work harder or I'll have you put in the "Box". Dilbert: Really?  I thought I was already in the box. Dilbert: Is the box bigger than my cubicle? Pointy Haired Boss: These people are totally unmanageable.
19940911	Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: Stop right there! Dilbert: It's Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: What's in your hands? Dilbert: I'm just borrowing some paper for the laser printer.  There's no law against that! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: I think we both know that the copier paper and the printer paper are purchased and tracked separately. Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: You've made a mockery of the system!  I darn you to Heck! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: Your punishment is to sit at the secretary's cubicle and endure the stale wit of your co-workers. Wally: Hey, Wendy.  There's something different about you today!
19940912	Ratbert the Optimist Ratbert: I feel lucky today. Ratbert: Lucky, lucky, lucky. Ratbert: I think a hat just blew onto my head!! Catbert:
19940913	Dogbert: Bob, I'll yank the cat off of Ratbert's head and you stomp on it! (YANK. Stomp.) Dogbert: I could have phrased that better. Ratbert: I'm not an optimist anymore. 
19940914	Dogbert: You're not welcome here, cat. It's against house rules to eat Ratbert. Catbert: My work here is not done until I have pounced on my natural enemy. Dilbert: Who are you, and what are you doing on my keyboard? 
19940915	Dilbert: GET OFF MY KEYBOARD, CAT, OR ELSE! Catbert: Watch me act like I don't even hear you. Ctrl-alt-del. Dilbert: DOGBERT! 
19940916	Dogbert: You have to go, cat. You have no value to us. Catbert: Actually, my mere existence will widen your demographic appeal and make you immortal. Ratbert: Oh...a cat...THAT'S original. Dogbert: Give it a rest, "Mickey." Catbert: Purr. 
19940917	Dilbert: This item will require your usual executive-style decision. You know: Keep it on your desk for three weeks, then sneak it back to my cubicle with an illegible question scrawled in the margin. Or for your convenience, I have made no copies; so you can lose the original and claim you gave it back to me. Boss: Hmm. 
19940918	Dogbert: Remember, it's not a pyramid scam, it's a marketing breakthrough. Dogbert: The beauty of it is a new recruit is born every minute. Dilbert: Are we guaranteed to become amazingly wealthy? Wally: While being our own boss? Dogbert: Yes, unless you're lazy or ethical. Dogbert: Each person you recruit pays you one thousand dollars. The recruits get their own recruits and charge them two thousand, and so on. Dogbert: Eventually, every person on Earth will be giving you money and that adds up. Dilbert: You can't argue with the math. Wally: I feel like we're a big family. Dilbert: The best part is that every person on Earth will get rich! Dogbert: Actually, the last recruit kinda gets it in the shorts. 
19940919	Dilbert: I'm going to the big technology show. Dogbert: What do you do there? Dilbert: I will wade through a vast sea of mostly curly-haired guys with facial hair and glasses. And I will look at thousands of indistinct products. It's like salmon returning to its birthplace. Dogbert: But without the spawning opportunities. 
19940920	Caption: Trade show registration. Registrar: Men without facial hair are not allowed on the exhibition floor. We have rental beards for your convenience. That model comes with pipe-scented suspenders. It's very popular with our portly attendees. 
19940921	Caption: At the trade show. Dilbert: Uh-oh. A vendor is scanning me. I'm caught in a tractor beam! Red alert! Red alert! Losing life support systems. Zzzz. Vendor: ...And it can even calculate fractions! 
19940922	Manager: The project requirements are forming in my mind. Now they're changing...changing...changing...changing...Okay. No, wait...changing...changing...done. Naturally, I won't be sharing any of these thoughts with engineering. Dilbert: I budgeted for some goons to beat it out of you. 
19940923	Dilbert: I hired Bob the dinosaur to beat you with his tail until you give me the project requirements. Manager: Ha!!! I'll double your fee if you thump Dilbert instead. Dilbert: I'll triple your fee! He can't really pay you "infinity plus one." Bob: I wonder how much that is on an hourly basis. 
19940924	Dilbert: I filled out the confidential questionnaire about your style of management. I hope it's useful for that management class you're taking. Only your instructor sees those, right? Boss: Right. Dilbert: I think I played that about right. Boss: Ooh. Good marks! And it says he trusts me too! 
19940925	Pointy haired boss: It has come to my attention that you used the Fax for personal business.  Dilbert: I sent the fax during lunch. It was a local call. Pointy haired boss: You're using up all of our fax paper. Dilbert: No, I sent a fax. The paper doesn't travel through the phone lines. Pointy haired boss: Really? Pointy haired boss: You used the company's electricity. Dilbert: I had a friend fax us a wad of extra electricity. Dilbert: I'm using it right now to power my PC. Pointy haired boss: Did you get any extra electricity? My PC is out. Dilbert: Press the button on the back and I'll fax you some. 
19940926	Dilbert: I invited Saint Dogbert to bludgeon anybody who strays from the agenda into something stupid. Engineer: That reminds me of the productization of our Tiger team's priority matrix. Alice: Actually, that was on the agenda. Dogbert: Oops. Carry on. 
19940927	VP: I'm running late. But since I'm a vice president you'll have to wait in the hallway. You'll be able to judge your relative worth by observing what things I do while you wait. Dilbert: He's teaching himself the banjo. 
19940928	Pointy haired boss: This cartoon seems to be saying that management decisions are a joke. Pointy haired boss: Cartoons are not allowed on cubicles it hurts morale. I don't want to see this when I return. Pointy haired boss: I've noticed a real improvement in morale since you removed the cartoon. Dilbert:
19940929	Pointy haired boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support. Pointy haired boss: Heh-heh... Our user manual is totally incomprehensible. We didn't plan it that way - we were lucky. Dilbert: I'm so proud to be here. Pointy haired boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers. Wally: Alice:
19940930	Dilbert: We could design the product with a simple point-and-click interface... Dilbert: Or we could require the user to choose among thousands of poorly documented commands, each of which must be typed exactly right on the first try. Dilbert: Bear in mind, we'll never meet a customer ourselves. Pointy haired boss: Make it so they have to reboot after every typo.
19941001	Dilbert: Wally? I thought you got fired. Wally: I did. Wally: But people outside the company appear smarter. So they hired me back as a consultant for way more money. Wally: Did you understand that? Don't feel embarrassed to ask for help on the hard stuff.
19941002	Dilbert: Dogbert! Come here! I've done it! Dilbert: I created a mathematical proof of the existance of god! Dogbert: Give it to me. Dogbert: This is a job for the world's smartest garbage man. World's smartest garbage man: What can I do for you, Dogbert? Dogbert: Check this math. World's smartest garbage man: Clever... But he transposed some variables. This proves the existence of his dog. World's smartest garbage man: Now we know you exist. And I must exist because "I think, therefore I am." Dogbert: But since Dilbert wasn't thinking when he made this error, there's no proof that he exists. Dilbert: Hey! World's smartest garbage man: Did you just hear something, Dogbert? Dogbert: There's no way to be sure.
19941003	Dogbert: The Dogbert consulting company has reviewed the executive compensation plan as you requested. Dogbert: My conclusion is that you're already hideously overpaid. I'm recommending ninety percent pay cuts and a whack in the head for each of you. Executive: I'll bet you don't get much repeat business. Dogbert: Oh yeah, as if I'd want to spend more time with you.
19941004	Dilbert: How's the job going, Anne? Anne: Much better, now that I've given up sleep, exercise and nutrition in favor of coffee. Dilbert: Any adverse effects? Anne: This is the aorta of the last person who asked me that.
19941005	Pointy haired boss: I decided to cut your project funding in half but keep the objectives the same. Pointy haired boss: It's a brilliant plan. We get all the benefits at half the costs! Dilbert: Why is it that the nuttiest people define reality? Pointy haired boss: And why couldn't I rewrite the business case to increase revenue?
19941006	Pointy haired boss: In addition to my current duties, I'll be managing the marketing group. Pointy haired boss: The marketing job opened because the previous manager got run down in the parking lot. Pointy haired boss: When they needed a good manager, they knew where to look. Dilbert: Under your bumper?
19941007	Boss: I've never managed marketing people before. But a good manager can manage anything. So...I order you to do good marketing things...like segmenting and focus groups. And keep on focusing and segmenting until we dominate the industry!!! Marketer: Well, I'm motivated. 
19941008	Boss: Two people in a focus group loved our product. So we're doubling our production. Dilbert: The opinions of two people are not statistically useful. ...Especially if you're one of the two people. Boss: I knew those free sandwiches were too good to be true. 
19941009	Ted: I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions about our product. Client: Heh-heh. Engineers don't know how to lie. The truth will be mine. Ted: Uh-oh. Client: Ted said your product is bug-free. Is that true, Dilbert? Dilbert: Well... Yes, that's true. Dilbert: I mean. Basically true. Technically true. Sort of. Dilbert: No-o-o!! It's a lie! All the bugs were reclassified as security features just to make the ship date!! Dilbert: And we both think you could be attractive if you'd just do something with your hair. Ted: Why did I bring you along? Dilbert: The evidence suggests that you're stupid.
19941010	Ted: I predict sales to be nothing for two years and then take a sudden surge. Dilbert: Why? Slide: Sales. Ted: The surge was added so I could get the business case approved. The two-year lag gives me time to get promoted. Slide: Sales. Dilbert: What about accountability? Ted: That's where you come in. 
19941011	Dogbert: I'm writing a book of my guesses about future trends. If it gets published then my guesses will seem more valid than other people's. I'll charge huge fees to share my "vision" with audiences. Dilbert: Why would people pay huge fees for guesses? Dogbert: Trend number one is that people aren't getting any smarter. 
19941012	Caption: Dogbert the futurist. Dogbert: Someday keyboards will be replaced by motion-sensing rings on your fingers... The computer screen will be projected in your glasses as a 3-D image. Caption: These developments will not enhance the image of technical professionals. Dilbert: Are you an engineer? Moron: I'm a moron. Common mistake. 
19941013	Caption: Dogbert the futurist. Dogbert: Society will become divided into technology "haves" and "have nots." Eventually the two groups will take different evolutionary paths. Then, as now, the "have nots" will be the policy makers. Oog: Oog make mission statement. 
19941014	Dogbert: I can predict the future by assuming that money and male hormones are the driving forces for new technology. Therefore, when virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed. Caption: Year 2004. Woman: Is Dilbert available? Dogbert: He's been on the holodeck since March. 
19941015	Wally: I've given up on the whole dating scene. I've decided to reproduce by asexual cell division. Dilbert: I didn't realize that was an option. Wally: You never know until you try. Dilbert: I think I'll steer clear of here for a while. Wally: Divide! Divide! 
19941016	Pointy haired boss: I just had my annual meeting with our vice president. Pointy haired boss: We decided to combine your project with project "Big Foot" because they're basically the same. Dilbert: They're NOT the same! It only seems like it to you because you don't understand either project! Pointy haired boss: Oh well, It's too late to do anything. I told him they were the same. Dilbert: Just call him and say you were wrong.  Pointy haired boss: I can see why you're not in management.  Pointy haired boss: The logical solution is to wait for the next budget cut and eliminate your project, thus solving two problems. Dilbert: There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
19941017	Pointy haired boss: I put together a time line for your project. Pointy haired boss: I started by reasoning that anything I don't understand is easy to do. Pointy haired boss: Phase one: Design a client-server architecture for our world-wide operations. Time: Six minutes. Dilbert:
19941018	Caption: Executive board room. Executive1: Our competitors are kicking our pasty white rumps. I'm bringing in Dogbert to fire employees until we're stronger than the competition. Executive2: How will the work get done with no employees? Executive1: I'd better form a task force to study that. 
19941019	Dogbert: I've been asked to reduce headcount. To be fair about it I created a scientific algorithm to decide who goes. Employee: I thought you were firing the people with the highest salaries. Dogbert: Okay, maybe "algorithm" is an overstatement. 
19941020	Dogbert: Great news -- you're fired! You get a generous severance package, two week's vacation, AND we hire you back as a contractor for more money!! Engineer: And I can telecommute if I want, but since dress codes don't apply to me... Wally: Aargh! Dilbert: (Bonk. Bonk.) 
19941021	Contractor: It looks like you're off to a three-hour staff meeting that doesn't apply to me. I'm glad I'm a highly-paid contractor. I'll be increasing my skills while you fight to get oxygen to your brains. Caption: Three hours later. Contractor: I became a multimedia developer. How was YOUR day? 
19941022	Monitor: To configure the software, enter the name of next year's Academy Award winner for best actor. Please wait. 
19941023	Pointy haired boss: Our project is six months behind schedule.  Pointy haired boss: Meanwhile, our technology has become obsolete and the users' requirements have changed.  Pointy haired boss: Any suggestions? Dilbert: Let's stubbornly plod along and deliver the useless product that was originally requested. Wally: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Wally: We should restart every time something changes. That way we'll never be held accountable for results! Alice: You losers can work it out alone. I heard there's a job opening on Project Caribou. Pointy haired boss: Next on the agenda: Our weekly team-building exercise.
19941024	Boss: The company hired an ethics expert to help us through the gray areas. Your calls to the ethics office are completely confidential. Dogbert: Thanks for sharing that. I own you now, weasel-boy. 
19941025	Wally: I have a question for the ethics office. If my co-worker has a "Pentium" PC and I have a 386, is it okay to run over his foot in the parking lot? It seemed like a long-shot when I asked. 
19941026	Caption: Dogbert: ethics advisor. Executive: We know our products are killing people, but we're claiming the studies are flawed. We're planning to focus our advertising on the youth market in poor urban areas. So, given all that, is it okay for me to steal office supplies? Dogbert: I'd have to say yes. 
19941027	Caption: Dogbert: ethics advisor. Woman: We mail our product to people and tell them it's free for one year. Then we start nailing them with high fees because they'll forget the procedure for returning the product. They're trapped. So, do you have some ethics advice? Dogbert: No. I asked you here so I can return your stupid product. 
19941028	Boss: Ray's our new finance guy. He's got a face that makes you hate him automatically. Dilbert: You're right. I'm already hating him. Boss: Wait until he opens his mouth! Ray: From now on I want a business case to justify all of your photocopying. Boss: Is he a natural or what?!! 
19941029	Dilbert: Have you started to hate the new finance guy yet? Wally: Yeah. I started yesterday. Dilbert: He seems so rigid. Wally: Rigid and inflexible. Not a team player. Dilbert: Do you have an extra napkin? Wally: I won't really know until I'm done. 
19941030	Dilbert: Exhibit "A" is my empty lunch bag, last seen full.  Dilbert: Only the people in this room had the motive and the opportunity. Dilbert: Inspector Dogbert will investigate. Dogbert: Sniff* You were in the supply room with Willy the mail boy all morning. You are innocent. Sort of. Dogbert: Sniff* I give you a "C+" for hygiene but you did not take the lunch. Dogbert: Sniff* Bologna... Potato chips... Carrot sticks. Ha!!! Dogbert: This is the thief who took the decoy lunch... Which we laced with synthetic female hormones! Wally: You can't prove anything! Dogbert: Is there something you'd like to get off your chest? Pointy haired boss:  Alice: 
19941031	Dilbert: What's in the jar? Boss: It's the soul of Willy the mailboy. If you shake it real hard and hold it up to the light you can see it. Dilbert: The union didn't do too well at the ol' bargaining table this year. Willy: These aren't our glory years. 
19941101	Boss: Problem: Our product development process requires buy-in from managers who'd be happier if we all died. My solution is to create executive oversight groups who don't understand the issues and don't have time to meet. I'M...I'M BLIND! Dilbert: You looked directly at the bulb again. 
19941102	Boss: The employee survey showed that 95% of the company believes we have no consistent strategy. So the executives formed a "quality team" to determine the root cause of the problem. Executive: We've narrowed it down to either "employees are ninnies" or "we deserve more stock options." 
19941103	Boss: I'm starting an interdisciplinary task force to study our decision-making process. Dilbert: So, you're using a bad decision-making process to decide how to fix our bad decision-making process? Boss: I don't know how else we could find the source of the problem. Dilbert: X-ray your skull? 
19941104	Boss: I've decided to manage by physical intimidation. If somebody says something stupid I'll just smack them. Dilbert: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. On the other hand, maybe I should give it a chance. (SMACK!) 
19941105	Co-worker: Instead of "right-sizing," our company is "bright-sizing." That's when all the bright people leave! All: HOO HA HA HEE HEE HA HA HA Snort. Dilbert: Hey! We all brought bananas again. 
19941107	Employee: This job has taken my dignity, my self-esteem, my creativity and my precious time on this Earth. YOU'VE TAKEN ALL I HAVE! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE!!! Boss: The blood drive is next week. This year it's mandatory...and a three-pint minimum. 
19941108	Co-worker: I don't mind donating blood...It's good for society... Sign: Form line. Co-worker: But I'm worried that our company is getting too competitive about how much we give compared to other companies. Dilbert: Man, I'm thirsty!! 
19941109	Wally: ...And if I pile enough binders on my chair I'll have a window view. Dilbert: I've got to try that. Boss: Wow! I've never seen so much interest in our business plan! Co-worker: Can I have two? 
19941110	Dogbert: As your consultant, I'll tell you how to improve your business processes.   Dogbert: I'll show you how a well-designed process can compensate for your sloth, apathy, and all-around incompetence.  Dogbert: But most important: Let's have fun.
19941111	DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT -------------------------- Dogbert: I recommend letting theengineers order their own supplies without management approval Wally: YES!!! I'M RICH!! HA HA HA HA!!! Dogbert: And I recommend buying "PUT" options in your stock Wally (punches in the air): WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
19941112	Boss: One of these donuts contains a memo which fires the recipient. This seemed like the most humane way to reduce head count. Dilbert: How was your donut? Wally: The first two were great. The third was papery. 
19941114	Boss: I'm assigning you to "the project that wouldn't die." Everybody likes this project too much to cancel it, but not enough to fund it properly. Dilbert: Aaarg!! Boss: Now go out there and maintain the status quo! Dilbert: You really shouldn't mix honesty with your motivational speeches. 
19941115	Wally: I made a few thousand suggestions on your first draft. Of all the pleasures of life, I think I like nit-picking the best! Dilbert: That could explain the break-up of your marriage. Wally: You wouldn't believe what SHE thought was fun. 
19941116	Dilbert: Did you see my project report yet? It's in a big thick binder. Boss: I'm using it as a foot rest. Dilbert: You never want to hear the words "foot rest" the day before your annual performance appraisal. 
19941117	Boss: Since implementing our "paperless office" concept, we've saved... Uh...ten percent! Hand: 10%. Wally: Next on the agenda: the restroom situation... 
19941118	Wally: This is just great...We engineers have old 286 PC's and you have a Sparc workstation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing you know how to do is stare at the screen saver. Boss: How does that ball keep bouncing? Wally: If anybody needs me I'll be scrolling some text. 
19941119	Wally: I suddenly realized that MY job performance reflects on YOUR career. The balance of power has shifted. Unless I get what I want, I'll lower my performance until you get fired. Boss: Ha! There's no way you could lower your job performance. Wally: Curse your eyes! 
19941120	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: I think I know what your problem is. Take all the parts and rearrange them in neat piles. Now stand on your chair so you can see above your cubicle wall. Now shout "Does anybody know how to read a manual?" 
19941121	Dogbert the consultant Dogbert: A good way to judge corporate health is to look at your employee turnover rate. Pointy Haired Boss: Our turnover rate is very low. We only hire people who aren't skilled enough to work anyplace else. Dogbert: Maybe metrics aren't the way to go here. Pointy Haired Boss: No metric has beaten me yet!
19941122	(Title): Dogbert the consultant Dogbert: You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have. Pointy haired boss: I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one! Dogbert: What if you don't count warranty replacements? Pointy haired boss: Ooh... Then we don't look so good. 
19941123	Dilbert (thinking): {I just lost the subtle mental connection between my performance and my salary.} Dilbert (thinking): {I get paid the same no matter what I do. I can stand here and flick my fingers and still get paid.} (fingers:) flick flick flick Dilbert: Do you realize what this means??! (fingers: flick flick) Wally: Hey! You're getting paid for that! 
19941124	Dilbert: Look, Ted! We get paid the same as you but all we're doing is standing around and flicking our fingers. Dilbert: Come join us and flick your fingers in joyous celebration that our performance is not linked to our pay. (Alice's fingers) flick flick (employees, unseen) flick flick flick flick flick Pointy haired boss (thinking): {I don't know what success sounds like, but I'll bet this isn't it.} 
19941125	Dogbert: Liz, if you're going to continue seeing Dilbert, you'll have to pass my test. Dogbert: Question one: Give seven hundred reasons why dogs are superior to cats. Liz: Well, the first six hundred reasons have to do with the fact that you're cuter. Dogbert: Fingernails! She-devil! 
19941126	Pointy haired boss: I came up with a new name for our group. Pointy haired boss: From now on we're the "Engineering Science Research Technology Systems Information Quality and Excellence Center." Wally: You should throw "Efficiency" in there too. Pointy haired boss: I designed the business cards myself. 
19941127	Pointy haired boss: I'm moving you to a cubicle in the south wing. Dilbert: Why? Pointy haired boss: Umm... It's more efficient if my group is all in one place. Dilbert: Not for me. The people on my project team are all in this wing. Pointy haired boss: It will improve communication in our group. Dilbert: I don't need to communicate with my group. I only need to work with my project team. Dilbert: I'll bet another manager wants that same cubicle in the south wing. I think I'm just a pawn in your little game. Pointy haired boss: You move tomorrow. By the way, there's a new dress code. Dilbert: You're in my cubicle. Wally: You can only move to a diagonal cubicle. 
19941128	Pointy haired boss: We're changing the salary plan to make a bigger portion depend on the success of the team. Pointy haired boss: We reason that if your pay depends on the success of co-workers, then your priorities will change. Wally: Now *that's* a pretty resume! Dilbert: Stop hogging the good printer. 
19941129	Pointy haired boss: You submitted the lowest bid to run our new technical support hotline, mister Dogbert. Pointy haired boss: The other bidders would love to know how you plan to handle twelve thousand calls a day by yourself. Dogbert: Tell them to call me. 
19941130	(Title): Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: I think I know what your problem is... Dogbert: Take all the parts and arrange them in neat piles. Now stand on your chair so you can see above your cubicle wall... Dogbert: Now shout "Does anybody know how to read a manual?" 
19941201	(Title): Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: According to my online database, our product isn't compatible with your computer. Dogbert: It's also incompatible with all other computers and all other software including our own. Dogbert: And those red blotches on your hands -- that's because our box is made of poison ivy. 
19941202	(Title:) Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: Please wait while I consult with somebody who has your exact same problem. Dogbert: How do you compensate for a tiny brain, Ratbert? Ratbert: I just say I'm way too busy to learn. Then I get somebody else to do my work. Dogbert: I'm going to transfer you to an expert. Ratbert: Sometimes I pretend to be dead. 
19941203	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: So...There are three menu choices and the first two didn't work... Some people would have recklessly tried the third choice before calling for help. But I can tell you're different. Let's be honest with ourselves, Dave. Do you think anybody is going to read a memo from you? 
19941205	Boss: We've studied the Japanese model and decided to copy their best practices. Dilbert: Long term investing? Boss: KARAOKE! Shaft! Can you dig it? Dilbert: Thank God we don't have lifetime employment. 
19941206	Boss: I'm putting you in charge of getting our "ISO 9000" certification. We don't know what it is, but it looks great on brochures. Dilbert: I think it certifies that we follow a consistent process. Boss: That's us; We always lie on our brochures. 
19941207	Dilbert: Thank you for coming to the "ISO 9000" kick-off meeting. Each of you was hand-picked by your manager for this project because... Well...Never mind why. 
19941208	Dilbert: Here's the basic plan for getting our "ISO 9000" certification. Each of you will create an insanely boring, poorly written document. I'll combine them into one big honkin' binder. I'll send copies to all department heads for comment. They will treat it like a dead raccoon and route it to the first passerby. 
19941209	Dogbert: Your target market is the high income group. They're the only ones who can afford your product. Display: Rich. Dogbert: More specifically, they must be rich, tasteless and easily amused. I've located a cluster of them to study. Display: Rich / No taste / Easily amused. Golfer: That dog's watching us golf again. 
19941210	Boss: The employee surveys indicate some dissatisfaction in my group. That affects my pay. You're my grumpiest employee, so I'm going to fire you to bring up my average score for morale. I think I'm getting better at all the touchy-feely stuff. 
19941212	Inspector: I'm checking the building for environmental hazards. Have you been feeling tired, nervous and disoriented? Dilbert: You just described my entire career. Inspector: If you start feeling good, run for the exit. 
19941213	Ratbert: I'm following you to work. I'll start out as an annoying rodent. But with hard work and training I'll work my way up to engineer. Dilbert: May I suggest a career in marketing? Ratbert: Is this the cutest little briefcase or what?! 
19941214	Ratbert: Outwardly, yes, I'm a rat. But my bubbly personality and my utter lack of skill make me well-suited for a career in marketing. Would you mind terribly if I gnawed on your phone cord? Interviewr: We have an opening in lobby security. Ratbert: I'M INSULTED! 
19941215	Ratbert: I didn't get the job in marketing. They say I have no experience. Dogbert: Try inviting yourself to meetings. Nobody ever says no. And they're too timid to kick you out once you sit down. Ratbert: Does anybody want to split a donut? I'll just take half and leave the rest. 
19941216	Dilbert: Since you won't go away, I'll make you an intern. Ratbert: Great! What's an intern? Dilbert: You'll spend your day in a high-traffic cube trying to look busy. Your main function is to make the rest of us glad we're not you. Ratbert: How did people ever look busy before computers? 
19941217	Ratbert: Excuse me... I'm only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? Let's form multidisciplinary task forces to reengineer our core processes until we're a world class organization! Pointy haired boss: Sounds good. Go do it. Ratbert: I'm more of an idea rat.
19941218	Caption: Dogbert teaches business math. Slide: Grunts = 0. Caption: #1. Any job that can be done by two people... ...Can be done by one person for half the cost. #2. A bonus today is worth more than... ...The whole company tomorrow. Sign: Closed. Caption: #3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated... ...By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one. Carrier: Giraffe goes where? Dogbert: Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from. 
19941219	Pointy haired boss: The company has decided to compete for the "Millard Bullrush Quality Award."  Wally: Bullrush? Isn't he the politician who went snorkeling and got killed by a sea turtle? Pointy haired man: They're faster than they look. Wally: I think we can win this.
19941220	Boss: Describe how you used "total quality" methods on your last project. We're applying for the Millard Bullrush quality award. Dilbert: You know I didn't use "total quality." I'd have to lie. Boss: Sadly, Millard passed away before he could invent the Millard Bullrush "honest" award. 
19941221	Dilbert: I have to submit my project for a "quality" award. I'll need your help on the dishonest parts. The real story is that the project lost its budget because its acronym was similar to a project that got cancelled. Dogbert: Assume your project would have failed and claim the savings from avoiding it. Dilbert: You're spooky. 
19941222	Dilbert: I finished my write-up for the national Millard Bullrush "quality" contest. It took two weeks of otherwise productive time. And everything but our address is a lie. Do you know what irony is? Boss: I send my shirts to a service. 
19941223	Dogbert: Here's my bid to run your telemarketing company. Basically, it's no cost to you. My telemarketers pay themselves. If they get a feeble-minded person on the phone they charge them triple and pocket the difference. Boss: There's no way I can lose. Dogbert: Don't answer your home phone for a few weeks. 
19941224	Dilbert: There's a strange smell in the cubes. Boss: We're using aroma technology! For example, research shows that the scent of lemon makes employees more alert. Dilbert: That's not lemon. Boss: My job's easier when you guys aren't too alert. 
19941226	Boss: I hired a professional to help us design our product interface. His last job was as an international terrorist. It's not a perfect fit, but he went to Yale. Dilbert: So, I hear you went to Yale, Sven. Sven: I yust got out last week. 
19941227	Sven: My theory is that a computer interface should hurt the user. So I designed some new sounds into our product. We've got "sound of puking," "fingernails on blackboard" and "bird hitting window." (Splat.) But suppose the user does something WRONG. Then we have the sound of a puking bird hitting a blackboard. (Puke screech splat.) 
19941228	Sven: Sure, we could bring some strangers in to test our product for ease of use... But that could take all afternoon and cost at least a hundred dollars. And all it proves is strangers are stupid. Boss: Sometimes they have good candy. 
19941229	Dogbert: Remember the old saying, Ratbert: You can lead a horse to water... ...But by the time you got there you'd smell like a horse and your butt would hurt. Ratbert: If you stuck a hose in a horses mouth and taped there, could you make the horse drink? Dogbert: Yeah, I've tried it. 
19941230	Pointy haired boss: I've decided that our next team-building exercise will be a paintball tournament.  Dilbert, Wally, Alice (Thinking): This is not a good thing.  Pointy haired boss (Thinking): It's a deceptively easy sport.
19941231	Boss: I'm going to make your group a "self-managed team." All of the vital management tasks that I've been doing will now be shared among you. Dilbert: Stop your work and give me a status report! Alice: Track your time. Wally: I think I'll kiss some butts. 
19950102	Dilbert: I accomplished twice as much as Wally this year, but we got exactly the same tiny raises. I'm wondering if this is a clever shift in management philosophy or a simple application of your ignorance? Boss: You're starting to annoy me. Dilbert: And that would affect my pay how? 
19950103	Boss: Congratulations, Wally. I've selected you to head up our campaign for "United Charity." I chose you not only because you're the least valuable member of the group, but also because you're so darn pitiful. Honesty is the best policy unless it's being done to you. 
19950104	Wally: Your contributions to "United Charity" are below average for your pay level. Dilbert: Actually, I donate ten percent of my income and thousands of hours to local groups not on your approved list. Wally: "...Not a team player." Dilbert: I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society. 
19950105	Wally: Be at the "United Charity" kickoff tomorrow. I hired a headless man to be our inspirational speaker. Speaker: ...And that's how "United Charity" gave me back my dignity. Any questions? Boss: How do you show up on a headcount report? 
19950106	Boss: Change these dates...and add six more meetings and use the phrase "customer focus." Dilbert: Uh-oh...Your micro-management has caused my ego to manifest itself and beg for survival. Ego: I'm shrinking! (Whap!) Boss: Run get me some paper towels...five of them...from the men's room. 
19950107	Dilbert: Look, Ratbert. An entire computer has been baked into one silicon chip. Ratbert: Thanks! I don't mind if I do! (Snatch gulp*) Dilbert: You ate my computer. Ratbert: I'm a cyborg. 
19950109	Boss: We're taking away your individual cubicles. In the new system you'll sign up for whatever cube is open that day. It's based on the model of public restrooms. But I call it "hoteling" because it increases my chances of getting tips. Each cubicle will have a computer, a chair, and a roll of note paper...Take one and pass it around. 
19950110	Wally: Now that we don't have our own cubicles I have to keep my binders in this shopping cart. And I've developed a strong interest in graffiti as a way to express my individuality. Dilbert: Well...it could be worse. Wally: I'm thinking of joining a gang. 
19950111	Dogbert: I'm starting my own venture capital firm. I'm attracted to the concept of watching people with moronic ideas beg for money. Dilbert: Will you actually finance anybody? Dogbert: That would sort of crimp the mirth. 
19950112	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Dogbert: You'll use your technical expertise and I'll do the business stuff. Sign here. Since you're the inventor of the technology, you'll get 100% of the special decorative non-equity stock. I'll settle for all the common stock. Inventor: I hope we can avoid the tension that some partners experience. Dogbert: Give me my pen, you miscreant. 
19950113	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Client: My idea is to develop a word processing program for Windows. Dogbert: That's an interesting idea. I wonder if twenty dollars would be enough. Client: To start a software company? Dogbert: No, to pay our waitress to beat you with a loaf of French bread. 
19950114	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Dogbert: I'll invest up to five million dollars if you'll agree to some standard conditions. I will be chairman of the board and own 99% of the company. You will work for free and wash my car twice a week. Client: Can I mow your lawn instead of washing your car? Dogbert: You're a tough bargainer, but I prefer multimedia developers for my gardening needs. 
19950116	Dilbert: I'm installing a paper-burning stove to lower our heating bills. I'll fuel it with all the useless documents I get at work. Boss: I've been noticing how much stuff you take home. You must love your work. Dilbert: It gives me a warm feeling. 
19950117	Boss: We've all noticed the volume of work you carry around. Your leadership inspires us. I'd like to promote you to manager so you can imbue others with your work ethic. Dogbert: Does he know you use the documents to heat our house? Dilbert: No. And I asked him to put the job offer in writing. 
19950118	Dilbert: I can't decide if I should stay with engineering or pursue a career in management. In my heart I'm an engineer but I hear a voice calling me to the dark side. Dogbert: I found your problem. Phil: Boy is my face red. 
19950119	Dilbert: If I left engineering and became a manager would I be as sexy as I am now, Liz? Liz: I think it would decrease your sex appeal by 17%. But that's just a planning number. Dilbert: What if I got a ham radio license to compensate for the loss? Liz: Look at my arm: goose bumps. 
19950120	Phil: Come to the dark side, Dilbert. Renounce engineering and become a manager. Dilbert: NEVER!! Phil: Your technical knowledge is getting stale. You're becoming a generalist...Take the easy path. I brought you a suite of applications that all work together. Dilbert: THAT'S UNNATURAL!!! BE GONE!!! 
19950121	Boss: I'm promoting you to team leader. Dilbert: Do I get a raise? Boss: There's no extra money, just extra responsibility. It's how we recognize our best people. Dilbert: I thought all the good people leave for other companies. Boss: That's another way to recognize them. 
19950123	Dilbert: As you know, I've been promoted to team leader. Alice: Will you decide raises? Dilbert: No. Alice: Do you approve expenses? Dilbert: No. Alice: Do you fire people? Dilbert: No. I'm a leader...not a manager. Alice: Well, run along and we'll be right behind you. 
19950124	Dilbert: As team leader, I think I should get some perks so people know my status. Boss: I'll have your cubicle walls sprayed with a special thickening agent. It might look the same, but trust me, people will know how thick you are. Dilbert: I'm just like you, Wally. But thicker. Wally: I've noticed. 
19950125	Dilbert: I hate being team leader. It's so stressful. I have responsibility but no authority. I feel like I'm an animal in some warped behavioral study. (Ding.) Sign: Take pellet. Dilbert: On the plus side, the pellets are excellent. 
19950126	Boss: Maybe we could form a vision statement of our concepts for requirements. Wally: Or maybe we can bound our strawman by the mission-critical functions of our quality vector! Dilbert: You're shameless. Wally: There's a fine line between participation and mockery. 
19950127	Boss: We've been asked to reduce our budget. I'm going to offer to cut your project because it's the most critical. The finance guys won't dare cut that project. My ploy will spare us from any cuts at all. Dilbert: Excuse me while I panic. Boss: Tell me again what your project is about. They might ask. 
19950128	New Hire: I've only worked here one day but I thought of a great idea. (Zip. Sploosh!) Dilbert: The first idea is always the toughest. Wally: The urge eventually goes away. 
19950130	Boss: This laptop computer weighs too much. Do we have anything lighter? Wally: Why don't you just delete files to lower the weight on that one? Boss: That's a thought. Wally: Technically, I only asked why not. 
19950131	(Dilbert's computer screen): Your ignorance seems to have no limit. Your opinions are idiotic. (Dilbert's computer screen): Your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Your family is ugly. Send e-mail * Wally: You're mighty brave in cyberspace, flame-boy. Dilbert: Step inside. 
19950201	Dilbert: My status report is a bit light this week because I'm having an e-mail flame war with Wally. Wally refuses to admit my technical superiority or his simian ancestry. It is my obligation to set him straight. Wally: NEVER!! Dilbert: I'm thinking this somehow elevates my rank in the herd and improves my mating possibilities. Wally: We're victims of hormones. 
19950202	Alice: I'm protesting the company's dress code. I refuse to dress like a woman. High heels and pantyhose are designed to make women look like helpless little ornaments for the pleasure of male viewers! Wally: I've never had pleasure viewing you. I swear. Alice: Thank you for your support. 
19950203	WOMAN: I'm dressing like a man to protest the company's dress code. BOSS: So, what you're saying is that you're actually a woman.  Is that your claim? WOMAN: That's not exactly the point. BOSS: I saw "The Crying Game."  Don't do anything that would make me heave.
19950204	BOSS: I ranked all of your assignments by priority so you won't waste time on unimportant stuff. DILBERT: Everything is an "A" except for "Personal Life."   This helps a lot. BOSS: I'm still working on the list of "Must Do" "B" priorities.
19950205	Caption: Dogbert explains leadership. Dogbert: Leaders start their careers as morons. They are drawn to meetings like moths to a porch light. The successful moron will have a very high bladder-to-brain ratio. Display: Brain / bladder. Caption: They prevail in all decisions because they are impervious to logic or coffee. Moron1: Let's do it my way! Moron2: Okay! Caption: These qualities are perceived as leadership. Boss: You're promoted! Caption: After several promotions their job tends to match their talents. Moron: I award you this award. Dogbert: Conclusion: Leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow. 
19950206	Dilbert: I have an ethical question about telecommuting, Dogbert. Do I owe my employer eight productive hours, or do I only need to match the two productive hours I would have had in the office. Dogbert: Well, when you factor in how you're saving the planet by not driving, you only owe one hour. Dilbert: And this meeting counts. 
19950207	Dilbert: Day two of telecommuting is going smoothly. I have eliminated all optional habits of hygiene. My co-workers are a fading memory. I am losing language skills. I talk to my computer and expect answers. For reasons that are unclear, my dog wears a gas mask and shouts Tarzan-like phrases. Dogbert: Kreegah! Bundalo! 
19950208	DILBERT (in bath robe): Day three of telecommuting:  I spend the morning throwing my pen in the air. [Pen comes down on Dilbert's forehead -- "POINK"] DILBERT (thinking, on floor after falling off chair): The afternoon is spent in silent appreciation of how much better this is than being in the office.
19950209	Dilbert: On my fourth day of telecommuting I realize that clothes are totally unnecessary. Suddenly I am struck by a question: Why don't monkeys grow beards? Hey! I call a meeting to discuss the issue but attendance is low. Issue one: Monkey beards. Ratbert: Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. 
19950210	Alice: When you consider the hours I work, I make less per hour than the janitor! Willy: Look what was blocking the pipes! It took all morning to plunge the rascal out. Alice: I love my job. Boss: I'm giving him a raise. 
19950211	Boss: I'd like each of you to give me a current resume. Now, don't be alarmed. It's just so the new VP can get to know you. It's not an obvious prelude to massive staff cuts. Should I be worried that you all have a current resume on you? Wally: Don't worry. It's not an obvious prelude to massive disloyalty! 
19950212	Boss: I'm putting you on the strategic planning team. It's like work but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything. Co-worker1: You're new, so let me explain how this works. We have meetings and talk about the company's strategy in vague emotional terms. In time, we convince ourselves that we're more than mediocre thinkers who sit around complaining. We start believing our opinions will steer the company. We feel important. We feel ALIVE!! Co-worker2: Then we snap out of it and make viewgraphs that say we should keep doing what we're doing. Dilbert: I like making viewgraphs. Co-worker2: Actually, we use last year's viewgraph. 
19950213	Boss: I'm asking everybody to quantify their contributions to revenue. Your pay will depend on it. I realize this is hard to quantify because you're designing future products but... Dilbert: Here you go. Boss: A billion dollars? It's as if you cynically believe we can't track these numbers. Dilbert: That crossed my mind. 
19950214	Boss: You should all follow Wally's example of how he quantifies his contribution to revenue. Wally: Basically, I assumed my project would fail without me. Therefore all the revenue it generates can be attributed to me. Co-worker: Aren't we all on the same project? Wally: Yes, but evidently we're not all equally valuable. 
19950215	Dilbert: Wally, you just sent me the same e-mail you sent last week. Wally: I'm rerunning the "Best of Wally" while I'm on in-cube sabbatical. Dilbert: How long is your sabbatical? Wally: Six months so far, and you're the first to notice. 
19950216	Alice: I was so late I had to put on my makeup in the car. Dilbert: Yeah, I had to shave in the car. Wally: That's nothing. I was so late I had to give myself a sponge bath in the car. Alice: Aren't you the driver for the carpool? Wally: You've never heard such whining. 
19950217	Caption: The problem... Dilbert: We're so understaffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule. Caption: The analysis... Boss: I can't add people...I can't change the due date...I can't ignore it. Caption: The result... Dilbert: He wants daily status reports until the situation improves. 
19950218	Caption: Bad news. Boss: We're not giving any raises. Caption: Making it worse. Boss: But we think work is its own reward. Caption: Making it MUCH worse. Boss: Expect to get rewarded about twice as much next year. 
19950219	Caption: Boss types. Dogbert: Find your boss on this handy reference. Caption: Hostage taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off. Boss1: Blah blah. Employee: Ow!! Caption: Fraud: Uses vigorous head-nodding to simulate comprehension. Dilbert: Then we'll subnet our IP addresses. Boss2: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Caption: Motivational liar: Has no clue what you do but says you're the best. Boss3: Nobody can do what you do!! Employee: Except a mushroom. Caption: Over promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication. Boss4: Let's qualitize our paradigm so we don't over inundate with datums. Caption: Weasels: Takes credit for your hard work. Manager: This bonus is for brilliantly forcing your staff to work 80 hour weeks. Boss5: It wasn't easy! Caption: Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above. Boss: Don't so anything important yet. Wally: Never have. Caption: Perfect boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon. Alice: Should we do something? Wally: Three day weekend! 
19950220	Ted: Reliable sources say your project will canceled, Dilbert. You should abandon it now and come work on MY project. When my big promotion goes through next month, I'll transfer you to my group and give you a raise. Dilbert: That's very tempting except for the fact you're a pathological liar. Ted: Be careful what you say -- I have super powers. 
19950221	Dilbert: Dogbert, I need your help dealing with a pathological liar at work. Dogbert: You're in luck. I happen to have a Ph.D. in liatology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Dilbert: I'd love to see your diploma. Dogbert: I'll mail it to you. 
19950222	Boss: We have been having problems with blackouts. The office lights are controlled by motion sensors. I hired a temp to walk around and flap his arms so the lights won't go off. Dilbert: Another journalism major enters the workforce. Wally: It seems like a waste. Maybe he could fan us. 
19950223	Boss: Alice, I'm almost done with your performance appraisal. Alice: (Gasp.) I haven't had an appraisal in four years. You must be starting a document trail so you can fire me later. I'LL WORK 24 HOURS A DAY!! Boss: That was way more motivational than I'd hoped. 
19950224	Alice: I'm terrified about my performance review tomorrow. Men have it easier. You've been conditioned by years of rejection and general disdain. Wally: We're lucky that way. Dilbert: Overall, I rated your performance as "simian." Ted: Thanks. 
19950225	Boss: I've replaced the old rating system with a friendlier method. Now I compare each of you to an animal with similar traits. I rated you "Tyrannosaurus Rex." Alice: T Rex -- The mightiest dinosaur!! Boss: Think in terms of brain size. 
19950226	Mom: Here's some nice chocolate cake for you and Dogbert. Dilbert: Thanks, mom. Dogbert: Thanks, mom. Mom: Tell me all about your job at the railroad. Dilbert: It's not a railroad. I'm an engineer at a big corporation. Mom: Do you fix the typewriters when they break? Dilbert: No...Today I debugged a TCP/IP driver for an application that runs over ISDN with bonding. Mom: You mean, all you do is slap a BRI analyzer on a circuit and look for bad packets? Dilbert: Well...yeah. But it's really hard. I was doing okay until she offered to pay my tuition to typewriter repair school. Dogbert: You shouldn't have compared her cake to packing foam. 
19950227	Co-worker: I'm happy to report that the "excellence in teaming" read-out is nearly ready. It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete this study. We finally got complete buy-in. Dilbert: Is that the study of why we can't make decisions? Co-worker: Originally. But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns. 
19950228	Boss: And Ted gets this "Singular Achievement" award for creating the "We Are Teams" campaign. It's a check for a thousand dollars! Let's all give Ted a hand. (Slap. Whack. Ow!!) These things never work out the way you want them to. 
19950301	Alice: Why is it that I never have time to eat but you MEN are in here every day at 11:35? Wally: Because the hours we spent upgrading our PC's have finally paid off by greatly improving our efficiency. Dilbert: I thought it was because we get hungry at 11:30. Wally: We can't reveal all our secrets. 
19950302	Boss: We're announcing two new programs for employees. The first is a new dignity enhancement program and the second is our new random drug testing initiative. Alice: The clue meter is reading zero. Boss: You each get a handsome coffee mug as part of the kick-off. 
19950303	Boss: Drop your trousers and turn around. I need a DNA sample. We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity. Uh...We decided to move your project deadline up a week. 
19950304	Boss: From now on, salaries will be based on your predicted success, not your past performance. We ran a computer model against your education and DNA information. We predict you'll die in a stapler mishap within a week. Dilbert: What if I disagree with this prediction? Boss: Write up your opinion and staple it to the analysis. 
19950305	Dogbert: We're going downtown to play "security guards in space." Dilbert: I don't want to know. Ratbert: Let's try that building. Rocket: Lunch. Guard: I'll need to see your ID badge, sir. Dogbert: Look fast!! There it is!! Not a pack of matches!! Guard: Okay. I'll have to search your lunch box. It's just a bunch of wires and gizmos. Dogbert: You're making me SO hungry. Could you watch my lunch while I take the cart back to my car? I feel bad, but it's the only way to test if space travel is safe for us animals. Ratbert: I feel safer already. 
19950306	Boss: Can you explain why you're a week behind schedule? Dilbert: Your poor leadership has drained me of the enthusiasm necessary to succeed. But it's not completely YOUR fault. Frankly, your parents have to accept some responsibility for creating you. Boss: Even if they were drunk? 
19950307	Boss: We need to finish your program twice as fast, so I'm adding a person to help you. You might need to train him a little before he's productive. Dilbert: Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith. New Hire: Tell me again what the big glowing thing is. 
19950308	Boss: Are you working twice as fast since I doubled your staff? Dilbert: I've coded twelve modules. Barry is on a journey of discovery where he will find out my mouse is not a microphone. Barry: Hello! Anybody! Boss: That would explain why nobody ever comments on my announcements over the P.A. system. 
19950309	Boss: From now on, the managers at my level will be called "Thought Leaders.: Dilbert: What's wrong with this picture? Boss: (blank thought) 
19950310	Pointy haired boss: Your performance this year was good, but you worked on tasks that aren't important. Therefore you get a tiny raise. Dilbert: I worked on the tasks *you* assigned. What's that say about *your* performance? Pointy haired boss: It's excellent. I get a bonus for keeping salaries low. Dilbert: Have you seen any literature on workplace violence? 
19950311	Dilbert: Uh-oh...The managers are going to another closed-door meeting. It must be about pay cuts or layoffs. I'm doomed. I'd better work on my resume NOW. Boss: Okay, so far our "Leadership Vision" says "we inspire employees to action." Does anybody have upgrades? Other Boss: Nah. 
19950312	Tina: Did you review my draft documentation yet? Dilbert: Uh...I'll get to it soon. Tina: That's what you've been saying since July!! I know I'm only a lowly technical writer and you're a big important engineer. BUT IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO GLANCE AT THE FRUITS OF MY LABORS?!!! FIVE LOUSY MINUTES IS ALL IT WOULD TAKE TO VALIDATE MY VALUE ON THIS PLANET! READ IT, YOU FETID PILE OF COMPOST!! Dilbert: Okay, okay! I'll read it right now! These pages are blank! You've been bluffing for months! Tina: I think I'll go have a yummy compost salad with delicious fetid cheese. Dilbert: I'm going to look up those words. 
19950313	Dogbert: I promise that if I decide to buy your company I'll gladly recommend a position for each of you. Wally: Really? You'd make sure we all got jobs? Dogbert: No, but I'll recommend a "position." 
19950314	Dogbert: My consultant will audit your company to make sure there are no surprises before I buy it. I use him because he's seen such hideous things that nothing scares him. GrimReaper: AAAAAEEII!! OOOUWAA HAA!! Dogbert: That's not the sound you want from your auditor. 
19950315	Dogbert: Your stock was $30 per share when I offered to buy the company, but thanks to some timely leaks to the media your value has plunged. However, if you sell right now, I'll pay the full $30 for your stock. Boss: I recommend we do it. CEO: Done. $30 per share is more than fair. Dogbert: Yeah, "per share" would have been fair. Anybody want a copy? 
19950316	Dogbert: As new owner of this company I hereby ban all meetings over one hour. The dress code is casual. Status reports are optional! No more mission statements or "visions." Our motto is "have fun, satisfy customers, make money." And stock options for all. We can fit five more in this cubicle if we remove the chair. 
19950317	Dilbert: The rumors are destroying our productivity. We can't work with all this uncertainty. Dogbert: I plan to buy proven technology and hire contract employees. You'll be gophers for the contractors until you resign in disgust and humiliation. Dilbert: Is there any way to get back to uncertainty? Dogbert: I'll see what I can do. 
19950318	Dilbert: Now that you own the company, what do you plan to do? Dogbert: Trim middle management. I'll fire anybody who gives me a document marked "FYI." Those people have too much time on their hands. Ted: Are you sure this will set me apart from the other managers? Wally: You'll be surprised how quickly. 
19950319	Dilbert: So...okay, great... Co-worker: Alright then... Dilbert: I'm trapped in the meeting that would not conclude!! I'm too polite to say "We're done. Please leave." Co-worker: Like I said before... Dilbert: Oh no! I missed the window - He's reiterating!!! Dilbert: So...okay, great... Co-worker: Alright then... Dilbert: Maybe if I shake his hand he'll leave. Co-worker: But like I said before... Dilbert: NOOOOOOOO!! ...Then there was sort of a long awkward pause... Dogbert: So...okay, great... 
19950320	Dogbert: I hired a new Director of Human Resources to handle the downsizing. I needed somebody who acts like a friend but secretly delights in the misery of all people. Catbert: We need to talk, Paul. But first I'm going to bat your head around and scratch you. Paul: Hee hee!! That's so cute! 
19950321	Caption: Catbert the H.R. director. Catbert: Here's the new org chart. Maybe you're on it and maybe not. Ooh! Nice try! So close, too bad. It's fun to play with them before downsizing them. 
19950322	Catbert: Come see the new org chart. Oops, changed my mind! (WHAM!!) Alice: Ouchie. Wally: I'm sore, but I've never felt so free. 
19950323	Dogbert: I've decided to sell the company for a huge profit. I found some very discriminating buyers. Wally: When you say discriminating, you mean...? It's okay. We have laws to protect us. Elbonian 1: They're lazy, but at least they're funny! Elbonian 2: Hee hee. 
19950324	Dilbert: How could the Elbonians afford to buy this company? Their whole country is just mud. Dogbert: They packaged the mud and sold it as a cosmetic on the "couch shopping network." They made trillions. Ad: $19.95. Dilbert: At least they know how to manage resources. Dogbert: They sold their entire country in little jars. Most Elbonians perished in molten lava at the earth's core. 
19950325	Salesman: ...But by far, this computer is our must user-friendly. The pre-installed software has only one button. And we press it before it leaves the factory. Dilbert: What does it do? Salesman: Whoa! I'm in over my head. Let me give you their tech support number. 
19950326	Copier: Please enter photocopier access code. Dilbert: What's the code for this machine? Co-worker: That's proprietary information. Dilbert: We work for the same company. My cubicle is down the hall. Co-worker: I have no way of verifying your claim. Anybody could come in here and say that. Dilbert: Ask me a question that only an employee of this company could answer. Co-worker: Okay. What is the access code for this copier? Dilbert: Sob. Co-worker: I just have one... 
19950327	Alice: In a way, I'm glad the Elbonians will run this company now. After years of being the only female engineer I'll enjoy watching the Elbonians discriminate against you guys. Yorgi: I didn't realize you had coffee wenches in this country too. Wally: I hope you don't want children, Yorgi. Caption: Continued... 
19950328	Alice: In this country we have a custom when men ask women to fetch coffee. Stand up...That's it...Now this will really surprise you. Wally: Oh God. I've never seen anybody get kicked into his hat before. Dilbert: That's gotta hurt. 
19950329	Boss: Our Elbonian owners sold the company to our biggest competitor. Our motto is "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Dilbert: I wonder what THEIR motto is. Boss: Their motto is "After you beat 'em, humiliate 'em." Dilbert: It's not very catchy. 
19950330	Liz: I built a spreadsheet to compare our relative qualities. I'm afraid I'm twenty percent too good for you. We must stop dating. Dilbert: No! Liz, you have the wrong formula in this column! That must mean I have higher math skills than you! We're almost even! Dogbert: You left that error in there intentionally. Liz: My last batch of flowers is wilting. 
19950331	Alice: I'd like to kick-off the project with the traditional bad-mouthing of the guy who worked on this before. HE'S SO SLIMY THAT SLUGS POUR SALT ON HIM. HIS BRAIN WOULD RATTLE IN A FLEA'S SKULL! Oh, and I'll need your files. Wally: Fleas don't have "skulls"!! 
19950401	Boss: Each of you will write your objectives and give them to me. Then I will sculpt these disparate pieces of clay into an elegant tapestry which will be our business plan. Alice: Our business plan will be like a clay tapestry? Boss: Feel free to quote me. 
19950402	Boss: I'd like you guys to check Anne's advertising materials for technical accuracy. Wally: Is this supposed to be funny? Dilbert: I don't get it. Anne: I'm only looking for technical help here. Wally: Hey! Maybe you could say something about those warning tags on mattresses! Now THAT would be funny! Dilbert: Or how about the fact that you can't look up something in the dictionary if you can't spell it? THAT'S funny! Anne: YOU'RE ENGINEERS, NOT COMEDIANS!! I WANT TECHNICAL HELP!!! Wally: This guy has an XP-6. It should be an XP-7. That's better. Anne: And he should be saying "I've fallen and I can't get up." Dilbert: Who picked these colors? 
19950403	Pointy haired boss: My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? Dilbert: Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. Pointy haired boss: Oh, that's right. Wally: I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-a-Sketch." 
19950404	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Your best bet is to relocate the company to Russia. You can hire engineers for two cents a year! Boss: Is it difficult to weed out the dumb ones? Dogbert: No. And that leads me into the good news about their occupational safety laws. Boss: It's like heaven! 
19950405	Boss: I want to assure you that any rumors you've heard are false. We are NOT planning to relocate the company to the South Pole where easily trainable native Eskimos will replace you. Dilbert: That's good because there aren't any Eskimos at the South Pole. Boss: Excuse me, I have to make a phone call. 
19950406	Elbonian: We're offering attractive incentives to companies that move to Elbonia. Zero taxes, cheerful slave labor, amnesty from any inconvenient laws, and absolutely no environmental regulations! Boss: Is that the best you can do? Elbonian: Here, use my firstborn son as a lawn ornament. 
19950407	Dogbert: Try this little trick to improve your career... Anytime you want something your way, simply refer to your CEO by his first name and say he gave you directions during your very recent meeting. It's totally unverifiable. People will fear you and do as you say. You'll rule with an iron fist! Dilbert: You're a funny little dog. 
19950408	Dilbert: Just as I thought, my cubicle is two inches smaller today than yesterday! Boss: We installed real-time status adjusters in the cubicle walls. Sensors monitor your work and adjust the cubicle size according to your value. Wally: It's amazing how fast you get used to it. 
19950409	Boss: We ranked all the engineers from best to worst. We plan to get rid of the bottom 10%. That includes you, Wally. Wally: Your plan is logically flawed. If you fire the bottom 10%, you'll STILL have a bottom 10%. You'll fire and fire but there will always be a bottom 10%, until finally... When less than ten people are left you'll have to fire body parts instead of whole people!!! We'll have torsos and glands wandering around unable to use keyboards blood and bile everywhere!!! Dilbert: How'd it go? Wally: He fired my hair. 
19950410	Ted: This ergonomic keyboard is our first product developed under the "Big Q" program. The "Q" stands for quality. Dilbert: Speaking of Q...It's missing the letter Q. Ted: You sound just like our whiny customers. Dilbert: I guess the "Q" stands for "uality." 
19950411	Boss: Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter "Q." What do we do? Ted: We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a "Q." Boss: How many users need a "Q"? Ted: Well...There's the royal family... 
19950412	Dilbert: The pundits in the press are nailing us for shipping a keyboard with no "Q." Paper: News. Dilbert: It's a public-relations fiasco. Obviously, we need an engineering solution. I'm on the case. Users could use a graphics program to draw a "Q" in the unlikely event that they need one. Wally: Or we could replace the semi-colon; nobody uses them. 
19950413	Dogbert: You could offer free replacements for all the keyboards you sold without a "Q." Or you could blame the media for blowing it out of proportion. Wally: Let's blame the media. They'll admit they were wrong and the whole thing will disappear. Dogbert: You have a brilliant grasp of human nature, Wally. Wally: I know. My third wife always said the same thing. 
19950414	Caption: Dogbert the PR consultant. Dogbert: You shipped keyboards with no letter "Q." The public wants somebody to take responsibility. Boss: Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!! Dilbert: Responsibility means blame. Boss: Great...It's like the time I got burned on that "opportunity" assignment. 
19950415	Dogbert: Stick to the script, act sincere and beg your customers to forgive you. Boss: It was wrong for us to sell keyboards with no "Q." We're sorry. We're morons. We're dumber than squirrels. We hear voices and do what they command. I have broccoli in my socks. Dilbert: Good writing. Dogbert: Thanks. 
19950416	Wally: Looks like somebody has a job interview. Dilbert: Shhh. Interviewer: What do you consider your biggest fault? Dilbert: Sometimes I work too hard. Good one. Interviewer: Why is that a fault? Dilbert: Well...uh...I work so hard that I forget to eat and bathe for days. Eventually I starve to death at my desk. I become a bloated, stinking corpse. Insects breed in my body. I spread disease to the entire company. Wally: How did it go? Dilbert: They want somebody hungrier. 
19950417	Dogbert: I'm going into business as a financial advisor. It's easy. I'll tell all my clients to invest in the "Dogbert Deferred Earnings Fund." Dilbert: Isn't that a conflict of interest? Dogbert: Only if I show interest in the client. 
19950418	Caption: Dogbert: financial advisor. Dogbert: Stocks...annuities...derivatives...capital gains tax... It's all too confusing for you!! Give me all your money now or you'll die a pauper!! Now! Now! Before the interest rates fall!! Investor: Will this reduce my income taxes? Dogbert: More than you might guess. 
19950419	Caption: Dogbert: financial advisor. Dogbert: Here's a picture of you living in a dumpster in twenty years. But if you invest in the "Dogbert deferred income fund" take a look at what you could own someday!! Investor: I could own a mansion?!! Dogbert: You could own a photograph. 
19950420	Wally: We're moving to a new office across town. I volunteered to coordinate the move. I control your cubicle assignment. Nay, your very existence. From now on you will refer to me as "Lord Wally the Puppet Master." Dilbert: I don't think it's legal to enjoy your work this much. Wally: I banish you to the cubicle closest to your boss!! 
19950421	Wally: Allow me to introduce loud Howard. Howard: HI! Wally: I will make loud Howard your cubicle neighbor in the new office unless you give me your immortal soul!! Howard: NICE DAY! Dilbert: ...Fortunately I convinced him to take my laser printer instead... Dogbert: What did I say that sounded like "Tell me about your day"? 
19950422	Telephone: "To hear your urgent voice mail message press one..." "This urgent message is to all employees. Please disregard the rumors of a merger with a healthy company." Dilbert: Now spooked, the herd stampedes. Co-workers: Resume! Where's my interview suit??!! 
19950423	Tester: You'll be performing a "turning test" on our new artificial intelligence software. Try to determine if the responses on your screen come from our computer or a human in the next room. Dilbert: I'll ask it to write a strategy for our company. Monitor: "Our strategy is to visionize quality resources that enhance earnings." Dilbert: Hmm. I'll ask it how to motivate employees. Monitor: "Reorganize often to improve focus. Redefine work as 'opportunity' and increase it daily. Take time to ask for opinions then explain why they're wrong." Dilbert: It must be a computer because there's no human intelligence. Unless... Nice try, boss. 
19950424	Boss: We've got a lot of empty cubicles because of downsizing. I hired the Dogbert Construction Company to convert part of the office into prison cells which we'll lease to the state. Dilbert: Sounds like a big job. Dogbert: Nah. A little paint, new carpet and we're there. 
19950425	Dilbert: I don't think it's fair to put convicts in our spare cubicles. Dogbert: Don't be such a bigot. These people have made one little mistake. Otherwise, they're just like other people. Dilbert: I think there are a few differences. Dogbert: Yeah, their health plan is better. 
19950426	Convict: Hey, buddy, what are you in for? Dilbert: Unlike yourself, I am not a prisoner here. I CHOOSE to work here of my own free will. Convict: Great...I'm in the freak section. Dilbert: I LIKE to work. 
19950427	Boss: Effective immediately, we will no longer use our spare cubicles to house convicts. Wally: Yes!! Our opinions mattered! Boss: Actually, it's because the prisoners complained. Dilbert: I wonder what he plans to do with the spare cubicles now. 
19950428	Caption: Bad news in 1985. Boss: We're replacing the company doctor with a registered nurse. Caption: Bad news in 1990. Boss: We fired the nurse and put the aspirin and tourniquets in the vending machine. Caption: Bad news in 1995. Boss: We've been asked to increase vending machine revenue by fifteen percent. 
19950429	Dogbert: I'm planning to turn the house into a gambling casino. Dilbert: Isn't that illegal? Dogbert: Not in the republic of Dogbertland. I seceded from the repressive homeland this morning. Dilbert: I don't remember voting on that. Dogbert: Here's your green card. 
19950430	Boss: Let me introduce you to one of our engineers. Karen is our new vice president. And you are...? Dilbert: Dilbert: valued employee. Karen: I believe in open communications, Dilbert. Feel free to talk about anything. Boss: Uh-oh. Karen: So, what were you working on? Boss: Oh-no. Dilbert: Well...I was just sending an e-mail to somebody who sits by a window to ask if it's raining. If it's raining I'll fashion a raincoat from a large trash bag. Watch. Three holes and you're ready to go! Karen: Are you planning to go out at lunch? Dilbert: Only if it rains. 
19950501	Dogbert: I think the best way to pursue my goal of world domination is to become a talk radio host. I'll promote my unique conservative viewpoint that people are idiots who deserve to be mocked. Dilbert: Won't people show your viewpoint to be flawed by virtue of their intelligent questions? Dogbert: Like that one? 
19950502	Caption: Dogbert's talk radio. Dogbert: I'm the smartest creature in the universe and you are all dolts. Today I'm taking calls from people who think they understand complex issues because they watch "Crossfire" on CNN. Caller: ...So why not put all poor people in orphanages? Dogbert: Put your head up to the speaker, Bob. 
19950503	Dogbert: Today we're talking about sex after marriage. Many liberals support this depraved practice but I do not. It can lead to headaches, fatigue and unwanted family members who become consultants. Caller: Wouldn't you philosophy lead to the extinction of mankind? Dogbert: Cry me a river, liberal. 
19950504	Radio: Welcome to the Dogbert show. Today I talk about getting government off our backs. I dream of a world where someday you can buy liquor, cigarettes and firearms at a drive-thru window and use them all before you get home. Basically, anything that gets rid of people is okay with me. But before you go, buy my new book... 
19950505	Customer: My hobby is geography. Would you sign my book to each of the continents by name? Dogbert: Are you aware that my book recommends a twirling wedgie for people who ask for too much? Bob: We find the line moves faster if I do this to the first customer. 
19950506	Dogbert: I'm retiring from my media empire and putting my vast wealth into real estate. My plan is to buy all the property on Earth and evict everybody who doesn't agree to be my puppet. Dilbert: Can I be Kermit? Dogbert: That's a "Muppet." It's all spelled out in your lease. 
19950507	Caption: The 7 habits of highly defective people. Boss: Ow! Caption: 1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others. Boss: But hey, I've been doing all of the talking. Caption: 2. Use humor to belittle people in public. Boss: Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie. Caption: 3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault. Dilbert: You don't motivate me. Boss: Maybe you should see a therapist. Caption: 4. Show up late and raise controversial issues. Boss: I think we should license "Barney" as our mascot. Caption: 5. Give advice on things you don't understand. Boss: Try writing some assembly line code here. Caption: 6. Use compliments to show your prejudices. Boss: Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better! Caption: 7. Think the comics are not about you. Boss: Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy! 
19950508	Boss: Why is everybody putting signs on their cubicles? Dilbert: We thought it would be classy to name our cubicles the same way we name conference rooms. Boss: I know there's a catch...but what? Signs: Menendez Rooms / O.J. Room. 
19950509	Dilbert: I'm so lucky to be dating you, Liz. You're at least an eight. Liz: You're a ten. Dilbert: Are we using the same scale? Liz: Ten is the number of seconds it would take to replace you. 
19950510	Message: To: All Users. From: Network Admin. Please refrain from frivolous e-mail. It bogs down the network. Message: To: Network Admin. From: Dilbert. I agree! Dilbert: Have you noticed there's too much communication in the world, Dogbert. Dogbert: Yeah, every day at about this time. 
19950511	Dilbert: We could simply divide the check by three... Waitress: Uh-oh. Engineers. Dilbert: But that would result in an unpopular subsidy of Wally's salmon. Does anybody have a calculator-watch? Caption: Hours later. Ted: This is the tie-breaker round of water to decide if you get 13% or 13.5%. 
19950512	Boss: Today we have a motivational speaker from the "Discount Speakers Bureau." Speaker: You should, like, work harder...Otherwise you might get fired. Any questions? Dilbert: Would we get bonuses for working harder? Speaker: This must be the slow class. 
19950513	Ratbert: I'm going to interview successful people and write a book of their tips. I'll start with you, Dogbert. Dogbert: Set your alarm clock to go off every hour. Keep a big vat of "Jell-O" by the bed. When the alarm goes off, stick your head in the "Jell-O" and yell "Boy, I'm tired!" Ratbert: Thanks! Dogbert: Beware the advice of successful people; They do not seek company. 
19950514	Boss: Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year. Wally: Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements? Boss: No, there's also favoritism. Dilbert: And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others. "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally: "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice: I can drop those off for you. Dilbert: Thanks. Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise? Wally: It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people. 
19950515	Dilbert: Who needs to sign my business case to buy a web server? Boss: Hmm...This crosses all departments. I fear it. Get the approval of every director, every VP, every EVP, plus Griffin. Dilbert: Do you mean Ted Griffin in finance or the mythical Griffin beast that's half eagle, half lion? Boss: Whichever is harder. 
19950516	Ted: I could give you marketing's approval right now... Or I could flex my vice presidential power and send you to gather more useless data...My ego would expand and I'd be a major stallion with my wife tonight. Do you think you can top that? Dilbert: I'll try, sir. What's your wife's address? 
19950517	Dilbert: I need your approval on my business case, Tom. I'll wedge it in here so you can claim you never saw it when I ask about it next week. Tom: Thanks. Dilbert: The weird part is that I can feel productive even when I'm doomed. 
19950518	Dilbert: Today I distributed 36 copies of my business case to various managers for approval. By my count, 20 are being misplaced, 6 managers will try to kill it for personal gain and 10 will come back with irrelevant questions. When I die I want to be buried, not cremated, so I can at least make ONE lasting impression on the Earth. Dogbert: I was planning to mail your corpse to somebody I don't like. 
19950519	Boss: We need to boost our return-on-assets ratio. Wally: Let's eliminate the security department. That would cut expenses while allowing for a brisk reduction in assets. Dilbert: When are you planning to tell him you were joking? Wally: After I furnish my den. 
19950520	Dilbert: You never answered my e-mail. Pointy haired boss: My secretary is out, so there's nobody to print my e-mail for me.  Bring me your message on hardcopy. Dilbert: I was out of papyrus so I chiseled my message on a little pyramid. Pointy haired boss: Did he work alone or were UFOs involved?
19950521	Pointy haired boss: Here's the company vision and business plan. Dilbert: "Vision: empowered employees working toward a common plan." Sounds good.  But the business plan is blank. Pointy haired boss: It's confidential. Dilbert: How am I supposed to know what to do? Pointy haired boss: I'll yell at you if you do the wrong thing. Dilbert:  I thought I was empowered. Pointy haired boss: Dont be so literal. Dilbert: I'll just keep doing what I was doing. Pointy haired boss: No!!! You Fool!!! Dilbert: We're doomed aren't we? Pointy haired boss: I don't know. I haven't seen the plan.
19950522	Pointy haired boss: Our policy is to employ only the *best* technical professionals. Dilbert: Question. Dilbert: Isn't it also our policy to base salaries on the industry *average*? Pointy haired boss: Right. We like them bright but clueless. Wally: I feel sorry for people like that. 
19950523	Dilbert: My salary depends on your opinion of my work. But you have no interest in understanding what I do, so... I hired the Dogbert Public Relations firm to hype my performance and get me a big raise. Dogbert: Press release: Engineer cures cancer while saving baby from burning building. Boss: That's not in his objectives. 
19950524	Dogbert: You can create the illusion that you work long hours by leaving voice mails for your boss at 4 A.M. Dilbert: Hi, this is Dilbert. It's 4 A.M. and I'm in my underwear and I thought of you...oops...erase...oops... Dogbert: Did you just send an obscene message to your boss? Dilbert: No...I think I hit the group code. 
19950525	Dogbert: Tell me your greatest accomplishments at work. I'll use that to hype you up with your boss so you get a big raise. Dilbert: I wrote a draft of a white paper on a strawman process to reengineer out product process. Dogbert: And what was the impact of this work? Dilbert: I think some owls lost their woodland habitats. 
19950526	Dogbert: You must learn to use your boss's ignorance to your advantage. Find out what impresses him and list it on your accomplishments. Boss: You're the actor in the "Barney" suit?!! I love that guy! Dilbert: Don't tell anybody my secret identity. 
19950527	Dilbert: In my dreams I float over fields of heather Heather: Hi! I'm Heather Dilbert: The flying dream always predicts an important change. I feel that my freedom will soon increase. Pointy haired boss: Does somebody else have a question for our new CEO? Dilbert: My finger is stuck.
19950528	Boss: I'm putting you in charge of project "BIFF." "BIFF" stands for "big improvements for free." Your job is to recommend ways to increase profits without spending money or changing anything. Dilbert: You have to spend money to make money. Boss: If we HAD money to spend we wouldn't need to MAKE money. Duh. Dilbert: The point is that you can make MORE money than you spend. Boss: I'm not following your so-called "point." Logically, anything I don't understand is unimportant. Have your report tomorrow. So, you recommend...replacing all managers with lava lamps. Dilbert: Here's a few bucks for the lava lamps. 
19950529	Pointy haired boss: I've decided to be more of a hands-on manager. Pointy haired boss: Move the mouse... up... up... over... more... NOW CLICK IT!! CLICK IT!! Pointy haired boss: NO!!! YOU FOOL!!! Dilbert: This has "long day" written all over it. 
19950530	Boss: Have you taken the mandatory training for business ethics? Dilbert: No. But if you SAY I did then you'll save some money on training which you can spend to decorate your office. Boss: Luckily, I haven't taken the training myself. Dilbert: I hear it's mostly common sense anyway. 
19950531	Boss: Hey! That little stuffed doll looks just like me! Dilbert: It gives me an emotional lift to have your likeness nearby. Boss: I never realized what he thought of me. Dilbert: Stop dropping in like that!! (WHACK!) 
19950601	Dilbert: My cellular phone and laptop computer allow me to work any time and anyplace. Dogbert: While driving? Dilbert: Too dangerous. Dogbert: In restaurants? Dilbert: Too rude. Dogbert: Outdoors? Dilbert: Nope. Dogbert: Basically, you lug them around and worry that they'll get stolen or broken. Dilbert: Stop it. You're scaring them. 
19950602	Dilbert: What's the hat for, Wally? Wally: It's a new safety rule. I think it's stupid. The e-mail from Human Resources said all short employees must wear these to improve visibility while in the cubicle aisles. Dilbert: H.R. should change their password once in a while. Alice: I'll bet we can make him wear aluminum foil pants. 
19950603	Financier: Here's your latest budget cuts. But please don't kill the messenger from finance, ha ha!! I recommend a 20% cut. A quick glance around the room tells me you're not on the success vector anyhoo, so nothing lost. Tough room. 
19950604	Dilbert: Your company makes an attractive little product, Jim. But we've decided to go with a vendor whose product actually works. Jim: FOOLS!!! I'LL CRUSH YOU!!! I'll tell your boss you made a stupid decision!! Your careers will be ruined and I'll get the contract anyway!! Wally: You can't scare us! Do you think our boss will believe a vendor over his own loyal employees? Both: Must...keep...a...straight...face... All: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Dilbert: We'll take a million units. Jim: Take two million and I'll see that you get nice raises. 
19950605	Interviewr: Why do you want to transfer to my department, Wally? Wally: I'm in a dysfunctional organization. I'm not getting the love and support I need. That's why I've been making long-distance personal calls from the Fax room. Interviewr: Your resume says every boss you've had was a complete jerk. Wally: So, when do I start? 
19950606	Boss: I hired renowned psychologist Dogbert to help us achieve peak performance in teamwork. Dogbert: Peak performance is somewhat relative. You're a highly dysfunctional team, so we must set realistic goals. Boss: What would be a realistic goal for us? Dogbert: I think I can postpone cannibalism. 
19950607	Caption: Dysfunctional team... Dogbert: I'd like everybody to turn to the right and say what you admire about that person. Boss: I admire your leathery skin, Alice. Alice: I admire your ability to figure out which side is your RIGHT in only two tries. Dilbert: I admire your ability to get paid for this. Wally: Despite the fact your face scares children, I admire your co-workers. 
19950608	Dogbert: In this team-building exercise you will make paper dolls while blindfolded. This may seem absurd. But soon, cognitive dissonance will set in and you'll cry and hug and think you learned something. Dilbert: Are you sure we'll cry and hug? Dogbert: Actually, hugging is iffy. 
19950609	Caption: Dysfunctional team... Dogbert: I'd like each of you to tell the team what you learned in my workshop. Alice: I learned to listen with my heart. I gained respect for others. I understand Sanskrit. I got my ham radio license. I can divide by zero... I love going first. 
19950610	Wally: You've got to increase the budget for training! Boss: If I train you, then wouldn't you just leave the company to make more money working for our competitor? Wally: I guess there is a downside. Boss: And the downside would be...? 
19950611	Instructor: Let's go around the circle and share what we learned in the three-day workshop. Wally: At first I thought it was a waste of our training budget... Then you asked us to form teams and make paper airplanes while blindfolded... I don't know if it was because of the darkness or the way we shared our thoughts about flight... But suddenly I found unconditional love for my co-workers. Be they accountants, be they marketeers, or be they secretaries. As a result, I've become a competitive lion, eager to pounce on my workload and increase stockholder values!! Instructor: Thank you, Wally. Dilbert, what did you learn? Dilbert: I learned that you shouldn't put a little eraser-pilot in your paper airplane. Wally: Somebody needs a group hug! 
19950612	Boss: Have fun working. I'm off to the two-week management retreat in the mountains. It's so sad you can't come. I guess there isn't room at the four-star hotel. Now I know why it's called a retreat. 
19950613	Wally: Hello, is this the mountain resort where all our executives are having a retreat? Is it true that loud noises can cause avalanches? If you see my boss, tell him I said... HI!! 
19950614	Boss: Great news! I've reengineered your job to make you more fulfilled! You'll no longer be limited to one little part of the value chain. You'll be involved in all stages of production! Dilbert: Oh Lord, you fired all the secretaries!! Boss: Dust my credenza. 
19950615	Dilbert: Lacking clerical support, the highly paid professionals line up at the copier. Their amazing analytical skills are squandered in this mindless task. Wally: No...it looks like the "toner" light doesn't turn off if you wait. 
19950616	Ratbert: My new goal, Bob, is to be the next heavyweight boxing champion of the world!! Don't let anybody ever tell you that you're too small or too slow or too uncoordinated. Bob: Or too clueless. Ratbert: Exactly! Now you're catching on. 
19950617	Boss: I see signs of productivity here. I'm moving you to another cubicle. Your phone and computer will be disconnected for weeks. Your files will be boxed and lost. Dilbert: Good Lord, you've abandoned all pretense of being on our side!! Boss: Loser. 
19950618	Ratbert: I've been invited to be a guest on "Crossfire" on CNN. I'm the only creature on earth who hasn't already been on television. Can you teach me how to debate on television, Dogbert? Dogbert: Okay. First, Ratbert, assume everybody has the same desires and experiences as you. Ratbert: Absorb absorb. Dogbert: Therefore, if they disagree with you they must be stupid. Dilbert: I think you're over-simplifying, Dogbert. Dogbert: What was that opinion, Ratbert? Ratbert: Stupid! Dogbert: You're ready for "Crossfire," Ratbert. Ratbert: I usually like the same movies as the fat one. 
19950619	Ratbert: I've been hired by the finance department to help cut spending. I'll be studying your every move and looking for waste and inefficiency. Those words in boldface look like they're sucking up the ol' electricity. 
19950620	Ratbert: I'm from the finance department. I'm here to reduce costs. It might seem like all I do is come up with short-sighted ways to save money while making your job harder. But there's another side to this story. Wally: And that would be...? Ratbert: I forget. 
19950621	Ratbert: The finance department has analyzed your computing needs and decided to give you a 286 PC. That should be sufficient for the 3D-rendering you need to do. Besides, how many times are you going to do 3D-rendering in your career? Dilbert: Once, if I hurry. 
19950622	Ratbert: I recommend standardizing on one type of computer for the office. We must identify and eliminate the deviant users of Macintosh, Unix and...God help us...OS/2 Warp. Caption: The Holy Wars begin. Ratbert: Don't lie to me, Gustav! You're a stinkin' Mac user!! 
19950623	Wally: Mister Catbert, the company is trying to force me to use a different kind of computer. You're the human resources director. What are you doing to stop this religious persecution??! What ever happened to "diversity"?? Catbert: The longer you verk here, diverse it gets. Next.
19950624	Computer Holy Wars Wally: Hold it right there, buddy. That scruffy beard...Those suspenders...that smug expression...you're one of those condescending unix computer users! Condescending Unix User: Here's a nickel kid. Get yourself a better computer.
19950625	Pointy Haired boss: Take care of this, Alice. Alice: "Take care of this"? this would double my workload. I've already got so many projects that I can't do anything useful with any of them. But if success is impossible then...I'm...free. Free! Free! ha ha ha ha ha The result will be the same no matter what I do! yes yes yes Honk honk! Pointy Haired boss: Moving along...we need to inventory our office equipment. Dilbert: Sounds like a job for Alice.
19950626	Pointy Haired boss: I asked Saint Dogbert to mediate our dispute over what kind of computers are allowed here. Dogbert: I shall go to the desert and seek enlithtenment. When I return I will reveal the true path of computing.  Palm Springs Dogbert: You call this an endorsement contract?! Go to the end of the line!
19950627	Pointy Haired boss: Alice, I want you to benchmark these world-class companies. Find out how we compare. Alice: I'm betting they don't make verbs out of nouns. And i'll bet they don't assign engineers to to field research. Alice: Do you guys have any pointy-haired idiots running your place? Would you like one?
19950628	Alice: As you requested, I benchmarked our company against five world-class companies. Alice: The comparisons are irrelevant because we're in different industries. But that didn't stop me. Pointy Haired boss: Why can they make a potato chip in one second but it takes us months to develop software? Alice: I think they oil the chips.
19950629	Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: One way to look at your problem is that nobody likes your products. But I don't know how to fix that. So I recommend forming internal business units to bicker with each other. Pointy Haired boss: Why would you recommend that? Dogbert: Well, I'd be lying if i said i liked you.
19950630	Boss: We're going to follow the advice of the Dogbert consulting company and form "Battlin' Business Units." We'll spend most of our time cross-charging and undermining the other BBU's. Wally: A little competition is healthy. Boss: Whatever you do, DON'T tick off the janitorial BBU. 
19950701	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Boss: We took your advice and formed Business Units within the company... Now we spend all of our time fighting with each other about who does what. What exactly did you mean when you said it would "guarantee future business"? Dogbert: Oh look -- my contract just expired. 
19950702	Boss: I'd like you all to meet our new co-op employee. We don't pay him. He works for free to gain valuable job experience. I'm putting you in charge of the PTG project! Co-op: Wow! What is it?!! Alice: PTG stands for "paper towel guy." If somebody spills coffee it's your job to throw your body on it before it reaches one of us. Oops. Co-op: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! How'd I do? Alice: Not so good, kid. That was tea. 
19950703	Stan: Ha ha! Now that the engineers must charge their time to marketing, we OWN you! Dilbert: I'll just reprogram your computer through the LAN so it's radiation will alter your DNA. Stan: Is that possible?! Dilbert: As far as you know. 
19950704	Dilbert: I told a guy in marketing that I programmed his computer to alter his DNA structure. Wally: Hee hee. Dilbert: He thinks he'll turn into some kind of animal. Wally: Tell him you set it to "weasel." It'll take longer to notice any change. Stan: Tell me the truth, Alice. Can Dilbert reprogram my DNA? Alice: Yeah. You marketing guys only have one helix. 
19950705	Alice: Maybe you shouldn't have told Stan you reprogrammed his DNA through the LAN. Those marketing guys believe anything. They even believe market research, for heaven's sake. There's no telling what the power of suggestion might do. Stan: Well, thank you very much. 
19950706	Dilbert: I jokingly told stan in marketing that I reprogrammed his DNA. He's so gullible that he's actually changing! Dogbert: You must use his gullibility to reverse the process. Remember, his entire reality is shaped by unverified customer anecdotes. Dilbert: I heard a rumor of a story of an alleged focus group where a quote taken out of context indicates you're not becoming a weasel. Stan in Marketing: I'm not? Yipeee!
19950707	Dilbert: Our new dress policy at work allows casual clothes on fridays. Dogbert: That's good, because studies have shown that fridays are the ONLY safe day to dress casually; any other day would cause a stock plunge. Dilbert: Is it just me or is that policy stupid? Dogbert: That's not an "or" question.
19950708	Pointy haired boss: I want us to have the same kind of teamwork as the egyptians who built the pyramids! Alice: Some scholars believe the pyramids were built by slaves. Pointy haired boss: But there's some doubt; that's all i'm shooting for. Dilbert: I think they were guided by ufos too.
19950709	Dilbert: We desperately need another person on my project! Boss: We're already over headcount. Get a contract employee. Dilbert: Okay, but they cost twice as much. Plus we need to buy a computer. Boss: Rent one. We're over our capital budget. Dilbert: Renting is expensive. We'll go over our expense budget. Boss: I'll fire Wally. That will free up some cash. Dilbert: Wally's on my project! Forget it! I'll just work sixteen hours a day!! Boss: That worked out perfectly. I think I might be a genius or something. I wonder if I should have told him the project was canceled last week. 
19950710	Dilbert: Everybody in engineering uses this program I wrote. I think marketing should turn it into a product. Ted: I wouldn't buy this. Dilbert: That's irrelevant because the target market would be engineers. Ted: Engineers think the same as marketeers. Dilbert: If that were true we'd be sitting in a cave trying to decide if rocks are edible. Ted: You know, you could keep recipes on this. 
19950711	Dogbert: I am Saint Dogbert. I have come to drive out the stale and overused jokes about the Information Superhighway. Employee: Sometimes I feel like roadkill on the Information Superhighway! Dogbert: Don't make me come over there! 
19950712	Liz: I think you like that computer more than you like me. Dilbert: That's not true, Liz. I do NOT like that computer more than I like you. Please, please. Don't ask about the laptop. Liz: "That" computer? 
19950713	Dilbert: Okay, let's start by documenting your market requirements. Ted: No, let's start by you telling me all the things you can design. Then I'll tell you which one I like. Dilbert: Work can be very rewarding. You should try it. Ted: What's that doohickey you have there? 
19950714	Boss: Carol, the next time you order my business cards, spell out my full title: "Director of Product Enhancements." Don't use the Acronym "DOPE." Carol: I didn't know you were the Director of Product Enhancements. 
19950715	Boss: I want you to study our options for project "Zebra" and make a recommendation. Both: Translation: "Read my mind than recommend the option I've already decided on." Dilbert: I'll get right on it! Translation: "I am doomed. I will go look for naughty pictures on the Internet instead." 
19950716	Boss: I've decided to make some changes to our corporate culture. Wally: Let me guess what that means. We'll work longer hours without extra pay... Your management style will remain exactly the same because Lord knows there's no need for YOU to change. Dilbert: We'll start calling ourselves a "team" so it doesn't seem like work! Alice: I predict there will be vapid slogans printed on notepads, and maybe some useless meetings. Dilbert: She's psychic! Is it just me or is the culture already changing? Wally: I FEEL IT! WE'RE CHANGING! What's next on the fad menu? Boss: I wonder if it's too late to rule by fear. 
19950717	Liz: What did you bring to read? Dilbert: It's a book of tips for my new computer golf game. Liz: So...you're reading a book...about a computer simulation...of an activity that's ALMOST a sport... That's about as close as you can get to being a non-organic life form. Dilbert: This chapter is about driving the little cart. 
19950718	Boss: That's an interesting suggestion, Wally. But if it's a good idea, why aren't other companies doing it? Wally: Can you imagine in your WILDEST dreams that maybe, just MAYBE I had a good idea that nobody else thought of?!! Boss: You must have seen it in a book. Wally: Thanks for the confidence in my abilities. Dilbert: You read a book? 
19950719	Dilbert: I dont know what kind of gift to buy for Ted's baby shower. Wally: Hand-crafted items are good. Cut three holes in a paper bag and you've got a lovely baby dress. Dilbert: He might think I'm cheap. Wally: Do you think the kid has a salt shaker yet?
19950720	Ted's baby shower. Ted: Oh look, it's a stapler... I can use this to take up the hem on the lovely handcrated paper bag dress that Dilbert made. It looks just like the one that disappeared from my cubicle this morning. Wally: Except yours had staples.
19950721	Mom: It's really different around here since we lost Dilbert's dad. Liz: When did he die? Dilbert: He's not dead. We lost him at the mall, Christmas of '92. Liz: Shouldn't you be looking for him? Mom: I said it's different, not worse. 
19950722	Liz: I can't believe your father has been lost at the mall since 1992! If my father or my husband were lost at the mall I'd be searching for him twenty-four hours a day!! Dilbert: We're waiting for a sale. Mom: You're a bit of a whiner, aren't you, dear? 
19950723	Wally: I had a few suggestions on your document, Alice. Alice: Thanks. (BONK.) Boss: I've made some upgrades to your document, Alice. Alice: That's just what it needed: a bunch of obtuse acronyms and jargon. Oooh, looky! You've also made elegant multi-topic sentences out of my stubby clear ones! Boss: Thank you. And put me down as the author since I'm the boss. Alice: Maybe I should distribute little plastic statues of you with every copy. How about that? Here's your copy, here's your statue, don't ask. Dilbert: Our quality is low, but at least we don't get credit. 
19950724	Wally: As usual, the boss is late. What do you want to do? Dilbert: Let's practice making small talk. It'll come in handy when we meet with marketing. Wally: So, Alice, haven't we seen that ourfit a lot? Dilbert: This chair is springy. Do you think they're all springy?
19950725	Dilbert: It's amazing how much we've changed since prehistoric times. Our ancestors just sat around in caves, grunting and drawing on the wall. Wally: Not very productive. Dilbert: Iwas just this, all day long. Wally: mmm yup.
19950726	Wally: my proposed work plan for the year is to stress-test our product under severe network conditions. I will accomplish this by downloading large image files from the busiest servers on the net. I was this close to making it my job to download naughty pictures. Dilbert: It's just as well; I would have had to kill you.
19950727	Dilbert: Bob, your self-esteem might improve if you got a job. Bob: As what? Dilbert: There's an opening in our procurement department. You'd be perfect. Bob: What does procurement do? Dilbert: Their job is to prevent us from getting the computers we want. Bob: Can I hit people with my tail. 
19950728	Manager: Your duties are simple. People will come to you and ask for things. Assume all employees are lying, treasure-hunting thieves. Give them low-cost substitutes and claim the savings on your accomplishments. Paul: I asked for a multimedia laptop PC. This is a "Dymo" labeler. Bob: Nice try, Paul, if that's your real name. 
19950729	Caption: Bob in procurement. Bob: I'm afraid the equipment you want is not on the approved equipment list. Let me think...If I add this to the approved list, that's more work for ME...but if I say no, it's more work for YOU...Hmm...think, think... Wally: I'd like to see this alleged list. Bob: Well, it's not so much a physical list as it is a philosophy. 
19950730	Wally: Our new VP has an "open door policy". Let's check it out. Dilbert: Knock knock. Hi ho. Nothing important. We just wanted to drop in. Wally: This open door policy is great. Our last VP was aloof. Dilbert: Are those sourballs? Wally: Look at all the furniture in here! Dilbert: I call couch! VP: Is there something I can do for you? Dilbert: Well... sometimes our cubicles are too hot. Wally: Could you have somebody look into it? Dilbert: Boy, those sourballs sure lull you into a false sense of security. Wally: The man is like a huge insincere sider.
19950731	Dilbert: (I think, therefore I am. But I'm micromanaged, therefore I am not.) Dilbert: I have a philosophical question for you. Dogbert: You're not me, therefore you're irrelevant.
19950801	Dilbert: We're planning to hire a temp at work. You should apply for the job, Ratbert. Ratbert: Wow! Me? A temp? As a temp I would finally get all of the respect and unconditional love that I deserve. Dilbert: (Danger: sharp learning curve ahead.) Ratbert: I assume I'll get an office and a secretary?
19950802	Ratbert: I submit myself as a candidate for the position of "temporary employee. I'm VERY temporary. First I'll be in one place and then you blink and I'm gone! Blink, gone, blink, gone, blink, gone..." Interviewer: Stop saying "blink, gone". It's making me nuts. Ratbert: It appears that the balance of power has shifted my way.
19950803	Dilbert: Congratulations on getting hired as a temp, Ratbert. Ratbert: Where do I start?! Dilbert: Your office is in this cardboard box in the main hallway. The regular employees will not make eye contact or ask your name. Your status is roughly between the security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator. Ratbert: Do I get a company car?
19950804	Ratbert the temp worker. Ratbert: (This is really testing my sense of self-worth. I will compensate by shouting a list of my talents to anybody who walks past.) Dilbert: Ignore him. He's trying to truck us into making eye contact. Ratbert: I eat rubber! I carry disease! I enjoy opera!
19950805	Ratbert the temp workher. Ratbert: I'M ONLY A TEMP, BUT I DEMAND RESPECT! Okay, maybe that's too much to ask. But I demand that somebody make eye contact with me!! Pointy haired boss: How's this? Ratbert: That's peripheral vision!!!
19950806	Psychologist: When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension? Flashback. Pointy haired boss: I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting. Dilbert: (Uh-oh.) Pointy haired boss: Let me share the high level strategic view. Dilbert: (Here we go.) Pointy haired boss: Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago... but we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win situations! Two hours later. Pointy haired boss: And we won't stop until we delight every customer! Customer: I'd be delighted if you just told be about your new Internet access product. Pointy haired boss: I cancelled the funding yesterday. Who's up for a tour of our cubicles? Dilbert: Gotta go.
19950807	Catbert the HR director. Catbert: (I think I'll invent some illogical policies to annoy employees. My diabolical new dress code will make them question their own sanity.) Dilbert: ... so, casual clothes DON'T lower our stock value... but only if worn on Fridays... unless somebody sees us... got it? Wally: I think I'm insane.
19950808	Alice: I don't understand your new dress code policy, Mr. Catbert. Catbert: Maybe you're insane. It's simple. Fridays are "casual". But you can't wear jeans because jeans look good and feel good and you already own several pairs. Alice: It's another sadistic human resources plot to make people quit. Catbert: Say hello to unsightly panty lines.
19950809	Wally: Well, it wouldn't be Friday if I didn't see Alice wearing her one pair of tan pants. I love the "business casual" look for the way it combines unattractive with unprofessional while diminishing neither. Alice: Do you think the fashion opinion of a male engineer matters to me? Dilbert: Twins!
19950810	Pointy haired boss: My plan is to make you a self-directed team. After a few team meetings, the disrespect you have for each other will fester and grow into full-blown loathing. You'll BEG me to mircomanage you!! Ha ha ha!! Wally: It actually feels good to have a plan.
19950811	Pointy haired boss: I'm reorganizing the department into fast-moving teams. Wally: Good plan. We'll never realize we're powerless, micromanaged serfs after we call ourselves a "team". Pointy haired boss: (I need some less experienced people.") Wally: I feel faster already. Alice: The G-forces are killing me.
19950812	Dilbert: As you requested, I dropped everything and wrote my career development plan. Plan: I plan to bounce from one artificial emergency to another, like a ping-pong ball in a clothes dryer, until one day I resign. Dilbert: Here I'm using humor to make a point... Pointy haired boss: FAX THIS TO HR NOW!!!
19950813	Dogbert: Here'show your marketing department can help retain your best engineers. Marketing gets an idea. Marketer: We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms. Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable. Marketer: The and milk alone will be a positive NPV! Pointy haired boss: Wow! (What's an NPV?) Don't forget the "worst case scenario". Marketer: Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door. Solution: Bite-sized ant jerky! Pointy haired boss: There's no risk! An engineer will be assigned to the project. Pointy haired boss: Ant farms! Do it! Dilbert: (Uh-oh.) The engineer will challenge the assumptions. Dilbert: You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant! Pointy haired boss: What do YOU know about marketing? Result: The engineer will never leave the company. Interviewer: So... your current job is "ant farm engineer"? Dilbert: (I'm doomed.)
19950814	Dilbert: My status for the week is that the ongoing dehumanization from my job has caused me to doubt my existence. There is reason to believe I'm becoming invisible. (plink.) Pointy haired boss: Do I hear your pager buzzing, Wally? Wally: I doubt it; I don't keep batteries in it.
19950815	Dilbert: The dehumanization of my job has rendered me invisible to humans. Only you can see me, Dogbert. How can we fix this? Dogbert: You could wear a bag on your head when you're around me. Dilbert: That's not the fix I had in mind. Dogbert: It's not a perfect solution. I'd still be able to hear you.
19950816	Dogbert: You're invisible to your co-workers. But you can compensate by forming a symbiotic relationship with a visible creature. Ratbert will cling to your back. He'll be your visual and auditory link with your co-workers. Ratbert: So... working hard? Or hardly working? Wally: I KNEW this Colombian coffee was trouble.
19950817	Ratbert: Don't be alarmed. I'm not really a rat floating in midair. I'm clinging to the back of an employee who has been rendered invisible by a long succession of worthless assignments. Pointy haired boss: Looks like an isolated case of bad attitude. Mouse: Which room is the "quality" meeting in?
19950818	Dilbert: I significantly increased my visibility at work today, Dogbert. Yesterday I was invisible to my management. But today I am known by all. Dogbert: You screwed up, huh? Dilbert: Ooh yeah. Big time.
19950819	Dilbert: I know where you're going. You're going to a meeting where equally uninformed managers will make decisions that neuter the work I did all week. Alice: You didn't do any work this week. Dilbert: I think I've got this whole "work" concept figured out. 
19950820	Dilbert: Please don't promise the product manager more than we can deliver. Product manager: We need a new software interface in one month. Pointy haired boss: You got it. Product manager: And rewrite the operating system so we dominate the industry. Pointy haired boss: Concurrent development. Check. Product manager: (Suddenly I feel omnipotent.) I want all new hardware, anti-gravity packaging, holographic agents... Pointy haired boss: Yawn yawn. Product manager: Can your team really do that in a month? Pointy haired boss: Let me get their reaction. Wally: AAAGH!! Pointy haired boss: Pessimism will not look good in your performance review. 
19950821	Carol: Your expense report was rejected by accounting. Dilbert: Why? Carol: Because the emptiness of their shallow lives makes them want to hurt others in order to validate their pathetic existence. Dilbert: Can you help me clear this up? Carol: To be honest, I'm kinda buying in to their philosophy.
19950822	Soul check. Dilbert: If it's okay, I'll hold onto my soul while I visiting the accounting department. Dilbert: I cam to answer your questions about my expense report. Accounting troll: Take a seat. Dilbert: I don't like the way this is starting.
19950823	Dilbert's expense voucher. Accounting troll: What are you trying to pull?? Do you think we're idiots in accounting? Dilbert: No, I swear, I think you're smart but sadistic trolls with many humanoid characteristics. Dilbert: (Apparently there was no right answer.)
19950824	Dilbert's expense voucher. Accounting troll: You spent nearly $10 per day on meals during your trip. The travel guidelines require you to stun a pigeon with your briefcase on the way to the hotel then fry it up on your travel iron. Dilbert: I tried... but it was taking so long. Accounting troll: Try the "wool" setting.
19950825	Dilbert is trapped in the bowels of accounting. Dogbert: I understand you have Dilbert in there. Free him, or else... Accounting troll: Else what? Dogbert: Or else I will put this cap on BACKWARDS! Your little hardwired accounting brain will explode just looking at it. Dilbert: What was that popping sound? Dogbert: A paradigm shifting without a clutch.
19950826	Bob: Sometimes I feel self-conscious because my brain is so brain is so tiny. Here, let me reach in my ear and pull it out. Dogbert: I think that's ear wax, Bob. Bob: Maybe. But I'm putting it back just in case.
19950827	Pointy haired boss: I made a few changes to the design. Dilbert: We'll have to work around the clock for months to make these changes. Pointy haired boss: Work smarter, not harder. Wally: You're trying to violate the laws of physics. Pointy haired boss: Rules were made to be broken. Dilbert: This design would create enough radiation to instantly kill the user!! Pointy haired boss: Be sure to mention that in the documentation. Dilbert: Let's work smarter not harder. Wally: I think we found the only "beta" tester we'll need.
19950828	Pointy haired boss: Tina, you'll have all the documentation written by next week so we can ship it when the software is done. Tina: How can I write instructions for something that doesn't exist yet? Pointy haired boss: You'll have to make logical guesses. Tina: "If you press any key your computer will lock up. If you call our tech support we'll blame 'Microsoft'."
19950829	Dogbert: I feel like tweaking some brittle people. Do you know any brittle people? Dilbert: Try Tina the tech writer. She believes that all forms of expression are an insult to her gender and her profession. Dogbert: The statue of "Venus de Milo" has no arms. Tina: Oh, I get it. You're saying that women can't life heavy objects.
19950830	Caption: Dogbert tweaks Tina the brittle tech writer. Dogbert: What do you think of the movie "Thelma and Louise"? Tina: I know what you're trying to say. You think all women are bad drivers. That's really the point of the movie, isn't it?? Caption: If you're not offended yet, tune in tomorrow. Dogbert: The "Three Stooges"? Tina: Why are ALL of the documentaries about MEN??! 
19950831	Dogbert tweaks Tina the brittle tech writer. Dogbert: Is technical writing the same as word processing? Tina: NO!!! I am a highly skilled communications professional! I can take jumbles of inert thoughts and bring them to life!! Pointy haired boss: My secretary is running the staff meeting. I need you to retype this org chart. Dogbert: The doctor is in!
19950901	Dogbert: This week we introduced Tina the brittle tech writer to the strip. Tina is dysfunctional like everybody here except me. Tina: Rrrr. Dogbert: Send your opinions by e-mail to scottadams@aol.com. It's the only way we can learn. Tina: Rrrr. Caption: Pick one. A. Women should only be portrayed as lawyers and starship captains. B. I don't have e-mail. C. Tina should be treated with the same dignity as Dilbert and Wally. D. Take an art class. 
19950902	Records retention. Dilbert: These valuable documents should be stored for five years. Employee: (This job got so much easier when I realized that nobody ever asks for anything back.)
19950903	Dogbert: My laptop keeps freezing up. Come take a look at it. Dilbert: I'm telecommuting, Dogbert. I can't be distracted by home projects. Don't come another step closer. This is my virtual cubicle, within which I can not be disturbed. These invisible walls form a cone of productivity around me. Within this zone I am a dedicated employee, totally focused on the corporate vision. Nothing can distract me from my firm commitment to the work-at-home principle. Dogbert: Fine. I think I'll set the couch on fire. Another victory for the distractor. Dilbert: I swear, someday principle will win. 
19950904	Pointy haired boss: Profits are down, morale is sinking; It's time for bold leadreship!! So I got some inspirational posters featuring a variety of relevant nature scenes. I think you can relate to this scene. Wally: Am I the seagull or the clam?
19950905	Boss: My new inspirational poster is so effective that I decided to carry it with me. What do you think, Alice? Are you inspired? Alice: I'd really have to see the front... Boss: Hmm...I don't think there's a win-win scenario here... Alice: Tell me about it... 
19950906	Pointy haired boss: My inspirational posters aren't working.  I need to do some animal research, Ratbert. Ratbert: Ready!! Pointy haired boss: In this beautiful scene we see a mighty eagle swooping down to capture its prey.  What is your reaction? Pointy haired boss: I think it's working. Ratbert: Run for it Mom!!!
19950907	Wally: I should quit and become a contract employee. Then I'd have more income and I'd feel the wind in my hair. Dilbert: It's possible you'd have no income at all... And if you want wind in your hair you'll have to take off your shirt and run around with your arms up. Wally: Thank you for your support. 
19950908	Wally: Alice, I'm thinking about quitting and becoming a contract employee. Do you have any advice? Alice: Sleep in doorways so it doesn't rain on you. The best shopping carts are at "Lucky." You can make an excellent sign with a black marking pen and a hunk of cardboard. Wally: I hate all of my co-workers. Alice: Despite the name, food stamps are NOT edible. 
19950909	Dilbert: I need to think "outside the box" to come up with a creative design... I push my chair into the hallway to change my viewpoint and stimulate my creative juices. Suddenly my juice dries up. Boss: You're a fire hazard. Do your thinking inside your box. 
19950910	Boss: We just hired Jack away from our competitor. He was their best manager. Jack will be in charge of project "Goosefood." I'd like you two to brief Jack on the project. Dilbert: Project "Goosefood" has no budget and no management support. Wally: Your job is to build a global information network in two weeks. Dilbert: Failure is certain. Soon you will leave the industry in disgrace. Wally: ...Just like the other "best managers" we hired from our competitors. Jack: Just out of curiosity, how did the project get its name? Wally: Let's just say that you're the goose food... 
19950911	Catbert: As the director of Human Resources I've been asked to reduce the cost of employee benefits. The company will no longer pay for eyeglasses. But we WILL support a new vision-correction procedure. Dilbert: Radial Keratonomy? Catbert: Squinting. 
19950912	Boss: I have to cut janitor expenses. Do you think I'll have any H.R. issues if I make employees empty their own trash? Catbert: We'll soften the bad news by simultaneously introducing a new employee fitness program... Willy: Okay, everybody, it's time to trashercise!!! 
19950913	Dilbert: I'm writing an e-mail to protest the new policy of making the employees empty their own trash at night. It's stupid to have highly paid engineers doing unproductive tasks when we could be inventing the future! Wally: Are you coming to the "Quality Faire"? Dilbert: No, this will take another hour. 
19950914	Repairman: Here's the problem. We've got a whole nest of paper trolls. AAIIEE! Dilbert: If I call 911 now I'll never know if the lower paper tray would have worked. 
19950915	Dilbert: Here's my time sheet, filled out in increments of fifteen minutes. As usual, I coded the useless hours spent in meetings as "work," whereas the time I spent in the shower designing circuits in my mind is "non-work." Interestingly, even the time I spend complaining about my lack of productivity is considered "work." Carol: I hate my life. 
19950916	Boss: If the department meets it's goal for the quarter you can shave my head! Dilbert: That would be a big improvement. Wally: He's trying to save money on a haircut. Alice: If we double our goal can we iron your shirt, too? Boss: I need some less experienced employees. 
19950917	Marketer: It's time for marketing to put the glitter on this software you've created. With my guidance this will become the premier data backup software. Wally: Bear in mind that we said it would take six months to write it. Dilbert: You only gave us a month. Marketer: We'll fix the bugs in the next release. Tell me about the features. Wally: At this point all it does is erase your disk drive. Dilbert: Unless you're on a network. Marketer: What happens if you're on a network? Wally: It erases everybody's disk drives. And heaven help you if you have a modem... Dilbert: It calls all your friends and erases their PC's. Marketer: We'll call it "QuickProtect." Dilbert: If you have a sound card it swears at you. 
19950918	Dilbert: Where are you taking all of that office equipment? Wally: I'm having a garage sale. Our new company slogan is "Act like you own the company." So I've been selling the stuff that I don't use and keeping the money. Dilbert: Is that my new color monitor? Wally: Yeah, I never used that thing. 
19950919	Wally: I'm happy to report that I have embraced the now company slogan "Act like you own the company." This morning I fired the marketing department and had security escort them out. Boss: That's not exactly what we had in mind... Wally: Fortunately I anticipated your reaction. 
19950920	Phone: Press "one" for sales. Press "two" in a hopeless effort to get technical support. (2.) Press "one" for answers to questions you don't have. Press "two" if you're gullible and optimistic. (2.) Press "two" if you're willing to buy something just so you can talk to a human being... 
19950921	Dilbert: I've been on hold for tech support since Tuesday. Get Bob and meet me in the car. Bob: I can't wait to try my newest maneuver, the "Turban Wedgie." It starts like a regular wedgie, then I wrap it around his head. Dilbert: Question... 
19950922	Boss: Alice, I've decided to add a resource to your project. Alice: WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT "RESOURCES"!! Boss: Would it help if I told you that resources are our most valuable asset? 
19950923	Boss: I found software that helps managers write performance evaluations. It's made by the same company that makes fortune cookies for Canada! Wally: That makes me feel better. Caption: Next day. Wally: "Don't buy a new car." Dilbert: I didn't think you knew how to use a PC. Boss: My secretary wrote these. 
19950924	Dilbert: I have to take a contract to our company lawyer. I need your help, Dogbert. Please review this contract. I need it today. Lawyer: Give me all of your copies plus the original then go away. Dogbert: DON'T DO IT! HE PLANS TO LOSE THEM!! Dilbert: Good dog! Lawyer: Dang! I cannot approve this. Somebody might sue us for no good reason. Dilbert: That's true with any contract. Isn't he using absurd logic? Dogbert: Let's find out. Approve the contract now or I'll sue you for obstruction of dogs!! Lawyer: Okay. Okay. Dilbert: Wow. Dogbert: The great thing about absurd logic is that it fits any situation. 
19950925	Boss: We're having an ISO 9000 audit this week. Take a look at your documented job descriptions and make sure that it's what you're doing if the auditor asks. Dilbert: According to this I'm some sort of engineer. Wally: As if we'd have time for that. 
19950926	Dogbert: I've been hired by your company to perform an ISO 9000 audit. Dogbert: Basically, you give me money and I tell you that you're a bunch of dolts. It's the perfect job for me. Dogbert: Tell me what you do here, Alice, if that's your real name. Alice: I'm an engineer. I make slides that people can't read. Sometimes I eat donuts. 
19950927	Dogbert: Here are the results of my ISO 9000 audit of your company. Dogbert: Your employees are largely untrained and -- I couldn't help notice -- fairly unattractive. Dogbert: However, they are also highly skilled liars, so you passed the audit easily. Pointy haired boss: We succeed where it counts!!! 
19950928	Wally: Alice is sitting in for the boss! Dilbert: Productivity at last !!! Wally: Efficiency! Yes!! As long as she doesn't get an attitude...
19950929	(title): Alice sits in for the boss Alice: I will approve your expense voucher on one condition. Alice: You must slay the creature who stalks the office at night and eats our hidden snacks!!! Dilbert: It has to be either you or the security guard. Ratbert: Slay him first and see if the problem stops. 
19950930	Mouse: You're making a big mistake. I'm no ordinary mouse. If you kiss me I'll turn into a prince!!! Mouse: Did I say "prince"? I meant I'd become the symbol for the performer formerly known as Prince. Ha ha ha!! Get it? Mouse: You're immune to both romance and mirth. You must be a... a... Dilbert: That's right. I'm an engineer. 
19951001	Dilbert: Wish me luck, Dogbert. Dogbert: If you get more luck, wouldn't there be less luck available for me? Interviewer: For "desired salary" you wrote "one million dollars." Dilbert: Yes, thanks for asking. Interviewer: Perhaps the question is misleading. The application should have asked what salary you *expect*. Dilbert: Oh... Well, I expect you'll hire somebody more qualified and my salary will remain unchanged. Interviewer: No, too honest. I'm looking for something *close* to reality, with maybe twenty-percent fantasy layered on top. Dilbert: Okay, I'd like a fifteen-percent raise and a little shoulder massage. Dilbert: Why does it seem that I'm the only honest guy on Earth? Dogbert: Your type tends not to reproduce. 
19951002	Pointy haired boss: We're poised for success. We expect huge earnings and increased market share! Pointy haired boss: Next on the agenda... There will be no raises because it will be a difficult year... Pointy haired boss: Carol, I thought I told you to put the "United Way" update between those two agenda items. Carol: Oopsie. 
19951003	Interviewer: Your résumé doesn't list any experience as a jet pilot, Mister Dogbert. Dogbert: How hard could it be? Dogbert: You could spend a lot of money on some pretty boy pilot with experience, or you can save a few bucks and have *me* drive the corporate jet. Interviewer: I *am* under a lot of budget pressure... and I'm not allowed on the jet myself... Dogbert: It has a pilot eject seat, right? 
19951004	Dogbert, Corporate jet pilot. Dogbert: Attention passenger. I'm captain Dogbert. This is my first flight. I'll bet you wish you hadn't cut the corporate training budget. For safety, keep an eye out the window... If it looks like we're gonna hit the ground, try jumping up right before impact.
19951005	Dogbert, corporate jet pilot. Dogbert: This is your captain speaking... I you'd like to land safely, there's something I've always wanted to see a CEO do. CEO: This is so not funny.
19951006	Dogbert: This is captain Dogbert with some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we'll be hitting town ten minutes ahead of schedule... The bad news is we'll be hitting town.
19951007	Dogbert: It looks like the plane's going down and there's only one parachute. CEO: Give it to me!!! I'm a CEO with a Harvard MBA. You're a dog!! Dogbert: That's my knapsack. CEO: Old joke.
19951008	Wally: That's four hours that I'd like to have back. Dilbert: Who called that meeting anyway? Dilbert: I must have left my calendar in there. Primitive man: Oooh Dilbert: I've discovered a primitive donut-scavenging man clad only in yellow sticky notes!! Primitive man: I was once like you, before the great RIF. Primitive man: But rather than leave in humiliation I decided to stay and live off the land like our proud ancestors. Primitive man: To ensure a bountiful harvest I do my donut dance to the gods. Primitive man: When that doesn't work I distribute meeting notices. Dilbert: *YOU'RE* THE ONE!! 
19951009	Pointy haired boss: We'll succeed if we understand who our competitors really are! Wally: My competition is Dilbert and Alice, with whom I compete for salary increases and rare promotion opportunities. Pointy haired boss: I meant our external competition. Wally: Tell me again what we make. Dilbert: No raise for you, idiot boy. 
19951010	Pointy haired boss: I've decided to get more involved with your project. Dilbert (thinking): {Uh-oh.} Wally (thinking): {Uh-oh.} Pointy haired boss: I'm just going to roll up my sleeves and pitch in. Pointy haired boss: Does anybody know how to work these buttons? 
19951011	Pointy haired boss: Okay, just show me how to program so I can help out on your project. Dilbert: You're going to build a "G.U.I." using object-oriented development tools. Wally: G.U.I. is pronounced "gooey". Pointy haired boss: I used my gun object to blast the bug object in the hall object!! Wally: Notice how gooey it is. 
19951012	Dilbert: Our original project time line was twelve months... but since you pitched in to help... Dilbert: I don't have an exact end date, but it's roughly the same time that the sun becomes a cold dark chunk of coal the size of your forehead. Pointy haired boss: We'll need flashlights. Dilbert: And sweaters. It could get nippy. 
19951013	Catbert: As director of human resources I have developed a policy for handling the employees who complain. Catbert: It's a big hole. I'll trick the whiners into getting in it. And then I'll cover them with sand. Pointy haired boss: I don't see how this could possibly work. Catbert: There's a detailed explanation at the bottom of the hole. 
19951014	(title): Catbert the H.R. director Employee: My job is too stressful. Can I see a company counselor? Catbert: I re-engineered our counseling process. Now we put you in a big hole and cover you with sand. Employee: If this is my only benefit I'd better get a *lot* of sand! Catbert: Just keep your mouth open.
19951015	Pointy haired boss:  Why do you want to be our new "long range planner", Mister Dogbert? Dogbert: Because "long range" is very far away... Dogbert: ...therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance. Dogbert: If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work. Dogbert: I'll need an internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot. Dogbert: Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest raise when we're ranked. Pointy haired boss: You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that. Dilbert: Why do *I* have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the internet? Dogbert: Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise. 
19951016	Female Employee (thinking): {I wonder if I'm wearing enough fragrance.} Wally: AIEEEEE!! Female Employee: {I'd better increase the dosage until I hear some compliments.} 
19951017	Dilbert: Dogbert, your mission is to tell my co-worker that her perfume is killing us. Wear this gas mask. Dilbert: Use humor to ease the tension. Dogbert: Good idea. Dogbert: Did you hear the joke about the woman who stank like a hog rendering plant? Female Employee: Three times today... 
19951018	Dogbert: I have failed in my attempt to subtly tell you that your perfume is killing people. I will try a direct approach. Dogbert: HEY!! YOU SMELL BAD!!! B-A-A-A-D!! Female Employee: Should I give you CPR? Dogbert: No-o-o-o!! Let me die!! 
19951019	Angel: Welcome to heaven, Mister Dogbert. Dogbert: Wow, it looks like you guys relaxed your standards! Angel: Dogs are automatic. No matter what you do, there's always a place in Heaven for every little dog. Angel: I'd like that back now, if you don't mind!! Dogbert: What kind of distance can you get with these little "frisbees"? 
19951020	Angel #1: Mister Dogbert, we've decided to send you back to Earth as an angel. Angel #2: Your mission is to help people in need. We have given you special powers. Angel #1: We'll be watching. Wally: Okay, so what's the price for new hair *plus* buns of steel? Angel #1: Ahem. Dogbert: It's all on the price sheet. 
19951021	Dilbert: Are you saying that you're an angel now? And you have special powers to help people. Dogbert: Exactly. I instinctively know what people want and I can give it to them with a snap of the paw. (paw: SNAP) Dilbert: Are you having any trouble controlling it? Dogbert: My aim stinks. 
19951022	Pointy haired boss: This graphic shows our biggest obstacle to success. (graphic: a fishbone diagram with six acronyms:) RDS ZPL ABP NDP QAT LNP Alice, Dilbert, and Wally: ? ? ? Wally: Are you saying our biggest obstacle to success is poor graphics? Alice: I think he's saying our biggest problem is his overall inability to communicate. Dilbert: I think his point goes beyond communication. He's showing us that he doesn't even *think* clearly! Alice: HIGH FIVE!! Wally: YOU BROKE THE CODE! Pointy haired boss: You know how I said you should participate more in meetings? I didn't mean it. 
19951023	Angel: We've decided to revoke your angel status. You're giving us all a bad name. Dogbert: Your problem is that you define "healing" too narrowly. I'm making ugly people look attractive, and that's important, too. Dilbert: Is it too late to go back to my old look? Dogbert: Why? You're beautiful! 
19951024	Pointy haired boss: Carol, about this flight to New York that you booked for me... Pointy haired boss: Is it really necessary to make all these stopovers in third-world countries that are experiencing rebel insurrections? Carol: You'd better wear the international symbol of the "Red Cross" on your back. 
19951025	Dilbert: Terrible news: My boss assigned me to a fun and valuable project. Dogbert: Uh-oh. That means at least three morons will be assigned to similar projects. You must find them and crush them... Dilbert: Exactly. Dilbert: Carl, old buddy, whatcha workin' on these days? Carl: Nothing fun and valuable. Shoo shoo!! 
19951026	Dilbert: Wally and I have bet about why you assigned me to the same task as three other people. Dilbert: I believe it's a clever ploy to create healthy internal competition. Wally thinks you're just dumber than the average cauliflower. Pointy haired boss: May I point out that cauliflower is the brain of the fruit kingdom. Wally: YES! 
19951027	Ted: Three other people asked for that same information. You must be on redundant projects. Ted: Here's a big binder which at first glance seems useful, but you'll realize later it's not. Ted: I've got a few more useless binders. Do you want 'em? Dilbert: Sure. I'm using them to build an addition to my cubicle. 
19951028	Wally: It looks like somebody is using binders to illegally increase the size of his cubicle. Wally: You think status will increase with your cubicle size, don't you! Well it won't work! Pointy haired boss: Here's a raise. I don't know why. Female Employee: Psst. Is he seeing anybody? Wally: RRRR 
19951029	Dilbert: Helen, do you have any staples in the supply cabinet? Helen: No, I only stock the basics: cheap pens with green ink, big jars of glue and ribbons for obsolete printers. Dilbert: Could you order some staples? Helen: You need to give me the order number. Dilbert: Okay. Can I see your supply catalog? Helen: Wally borrowed it. phone: rrring Helen: I'd better get that; it might be personal. Dilbert: sob Dilbert: Wally, do you have the... Wally: I need your help with this. Pull up a chair. Alice: I need both of you to come talk to a vendor that we'll never use. Dilbert: Thanks to teamwork, I almost stapled something today. Dogbert: I'm so proud to know you. 
19951030	Caption: Headquarters. Manager 1: Hey, Chuck's looking unhappy today. What's the problem, big guy? Chuck: All of my bad decisions are catching up to me. Could we do another reorg to cover my tracks? Manager 2: Yeah, I've got some bodies to bury, too. Boss: "...These changes will allow us to focus on our core business." Wally: Whoa! Let me get my reorg boots. 
19951031	Wally: I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us "focus on our core business." Did our core business change? Or are you saying that EVERY reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure? Boss: Wally, when a car gets a flat tire, what do you do? Wally: Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home. 
19951101	Catbert: Guess what, Wally. Wally: What sadistic plot has H.R. come up with now, Catbert? Catbert: We're giving you a real boss plus a "dotted line" to another boss who has different objectives. The status reports alone will take forty hours a week. Wally: I'm gonna staple myself to death. 
19951102	Dilbert: I heard you got assigned on a "dotted line" to our boss' archrival. Wally: Groan. Dilbert: Look on the bright side. Think of yourself as leading the exciting life of a secret double-agent! Wally: Don't most double-agents get captured and executed immediately? Dilbert: They WISH it was immediate. 
19951103	Dogbert: The "Dogbert Corporate Art Source" will provide low-cost paintings for your walls. Our motto is "If it's in a frame it will look like art to you." Boss: How much do the paintings cost? Dogbert: Six dollars a pound. 
19951104	Dilbert: How did you get the contract do supply our company with wall art? Dogbert: Low bid. As we speak, my assistant is scouring the Earth in search of low-cost art. Building: SCHOOL-O-ART. Ratbert: I'll take it!! 
19951105	Dilbert: I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted. Boss: Put the presentation date on each page. Dilbert: Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them. There's no reason to date them. In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page. But since you're incapable of admitting error... I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page. Boss: Some people might not have calendars. And we have to make sure it's not a holiday. (BAM!) Dilbert: Ouch. My brain exploded. Boss: The first presentation is February 30th. 
19951106	Ratbert: I've come to be your personal digital assistant. Use the little pen to write messages on my stomach. I'll use state-of-the-rat technology to interpret your handwriting. Weave...me...a...cone...yoo...cupid...bat... 
19951107	Dilbert: Why are you putting a sign on the coffee maker? Label Guy: It's an ISO 9000 requirement. Everything must be clearly labeled. Dilbert: That's stupid. Label Guy: Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do. Shirt: Stupid Label Guy. 
19951108	Dilbert: The project status is "yellow light." In user tests we found that the product locks up every twelve seconds. The interface is incomprehensible and the manual is pure fiction. I think it's clear what we need to do... Boss: Ship it and hope somebody writes a "Dummies" book about it? 
19951109	Caption: Saint Dogbert enters the land of cubicles searching for demons of stupidity. Suddenly he finds an over-promoted computer guru spouting useless database concepts. Guru: You'd be fools to ignore the Boolean anti-binary least-square approach. Caption: The monster is dispatched to the dark world by the sight of its most feared object. Dogbert: Look! Actual code! Employee: Cool! 
19951110	Boss: How long will it take to fix any problems we find in our beta product? Dilbert: It's logically impossible to schedule for the unknown. Boss: Try to think as a manager, not as an engineer. Dilbert: In that case, we'll fix the problems before we find them. 
19951111	Dilbert: This next transparency is an incomprehensible jumble of complexity and undefined acronyms. You might wonder why I'm going to show it to you since the only possible result is to lower your opinion of my communication skills. Frankly, it's because I like making complex pictures more than I like you. 
19951112	Boss: Mister Catbert will explain our new "Total Compensation Plan" for excellence. Catbert: We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone. Everyone: Danger! Danger! Catbert: If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances out. For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly? Alice: It might be a trick! Wally: What's the worst thing that could happen? Catbert: HA HA HA!!! IT'S A HEALTH BENEFIT! NOW I'LL CUT EVERYBODY'S SALARY! Dilbert: I've noticed that the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel. 
19951113	Boss: Our goal is to write bug-free software. I'll pay a ten-dollar bonus for every bug you find and fix. Dilbert: YAHOO! Alice: WE'RE RICH. Wally: YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! Boss: I hope this drives the right behavior. Wally: I'm gonna write me a new minivan this afternoon! 
19951114	Dilbert: The company pays me ten dollars for every bug I fix in my code, Ratbert. I want you to do your little rat dance on my keyboard so I'll have lots of bugs to fix. Ratbert: How am I doing? Dilbert: Not so good. You just authored a web browser. 
19951115	Wally: My accomplishment this week is that I've become an agent of change. I foster and reward those behaviors that contribute to a culture of teamwork. Dilbert: I've become slightly more cynical. Wally: Keep up the good work, buddy. (Pat pat.) 
19951116	Programmer: I used to write programs using punch cards...but I'd rather be fishing... Alice: Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week!! Caption: Sometime next week... Wally: Looks like a hole in the space-time continuum. Dilbert: Did you hear a snap? 
19951117	Boss: I think we should build an SQL database. Dilbert: Uh-oh. Does he understand what he said or is it something he saw in a trade magazine ad? What color do you want that database? Boss: I think mauve has the most RAM. 
19951118	Boss: From now on I'm going to be more proactive. YOU'RE FIRED!! Dilbert: For what?? Boss: I don't know yet. That's the problem with being proactive. 
19951119	Boss: We need to ship the V-1 product tomorrow. I promised our CEO he can announce it at the shareholder meeting. Wally: That's two months early!! Dilbert: We haven't added any features yet!! What would we ship? Our lab prototype is the only V-1 in existence! Wally: NO...YOU WOULDN'T! Boss: I've scheduled press tours so you can do demos all next week. Wally: ON WHAT?! Dilbert: We'll need twenty thousand dollars to build another prototype! Boss: That reminds me; I froze the budget for the rest of the year. If there's anything you'd like me to do, don't hesitate to ask. Wally: Yeah. I'd like you to do something... Ooh...I think I should have hesitated to ask that. 
19951120	Caption: Dogbert the Consultant. Dogbert: I recommend that you reorganize to strengthen the core competency of your company. As luck would have it, your core competency is "giving money to consultants." Boss: I don't think that's the ONLY thing we're good at. Dogbert: It depends on if you count "whining." 
19951121	Dogbert: My consulting partner, Ratbert, will demonstrate how to inform employees that their jobs will be outsourced. You're history. Scram. (Boot.) Boss: How do I get them all stooped over? Dogbert: I recommend a program of very bad ergonomics. 
19951122	Wally: This new policy of keeping our keyboards on the floor is ridiculous! Dilbert: The only possible explanation is to make us all stooped over so it's easier for management to kick our behinds! Ha ha ha!! Wally: Ha ha ha! Dilbert: Wait a minute...That IS the only explanation. Wally: Cover me; I'm going to the printer. 
19951123	Boss: The company has decided to outsource all of the functions that we're not any good at. Everyone: YIPPEE! YAY! Wally: When's your last day? Alice: Uh-oh...They're not good at knowing what they're not good at... 
19951124	Wally: I don't understand why some people wash their bath towels. When I get out of the shower I'm the cleanest object in my house. In theory, those towels should be getting cleaner every time they touch me. Alice: Maybe I could hug you every day so I don't need to take showers. Wally: Are towels supposed to bend? 
19951125	Boss: I've gotta run to the Post Office. Carol: You go the Post Office every day. Are you aware that you can buy more than one stamp at a time? Boss: Apparently you don't understand the concept of "float." 
19951126	Salesman: The clever salesman evaluated his prey. Guard: Badge. Sign: Vendors sign in. Salesman: I hope he's an important decision-maker. Dilbert: Take any seat. I call the good chair. Salesman: Warning! Cubicle! Low-ranking employee. Dilbert: Here's our organization chart: President...Senior Vice President...Vice President... Okay, lift your foot. Do you see that coffee stain on the carpet? Salesman: That's you? Dilbert: No. That's my boss. I would be under the carpet. Salesman: Do I have any hope of talking to somebody who can make a decision? Dilbert: Let me check. Hey, Wally. What's a "decision"? Wally: It sounds like something our competitors do. 
19951127	Dilbert: My password for the network isn't working. Net Admin: Fill out a help request online. Dilbert: I can't get online because my password doesn't work... Net Admin: Send me an e-mail message about it. Dilbert: I CAN'T SEND E-MAIL BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IN THE STINKIN' NETWORK!!! Net Admin: Geez, you're worthless... 
19951128	Dilbert: Does Human Resources offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional Internet connections? Catbert: I recommend the "yarn therapy." You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office. Dilbert: Is this like the famous "ropes" course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team? Catbert: Exactly, except here you learn to become my couch. 
19951129	Wally: Alice, did you hear that Dilbert's network connections isn't working? Alice: Uh-oh. Wally: He is what we call a technology "have not." His competitiveness in the global economy will last as long as this French Fry. Alice: So sad. After lunch, I'm going to use something called "Electronic Mail." You can watch if you promise not to touch anything. Wally: SNORK! Gulp. 
19951130	Dilbert: We've been dating for a year now, Liz. There's something I'd like to do tonight... There are some needs that I can't fulfill at work. Liz: I understand. Dilbert: YES! YES! Liz: How long has your Internet connection at work been broken? 
19951201	Boss: We just shipped our newest product. You folks in tech support will need to be trained so you can avoid any embarrassments. We had a monk write the training material on a grain of rice. We could only afford one, so you'll have to share it. To be honest, I'm not sure we had a real monk. He wrote everything in Pig Latin. 
19951202	Dogbert: Does your boss give you orders and later deny it? Do you get in trouble for doing what you're told? The "Dogbert Detective Agency" will videotape it all and embarrass your boss with proof! Boss: What??! Why did you do this??! Dilbert: This is the happiest moment of my career. Dogbert: Lights! 
19951203	Willy: Working late again, huh, Alice? Alice: Seventy hours this week... Willy: Me too. Thank goodness for overtime pay. Alice: Overtime pay. Willy: Allow me to explain. Unlike you so-called "exempt" employees, my income increases if I work additional hours. I'm pulling in seventy-five thousand a year and half the time I just hide in the basement reading "Fishing" magazine. The only down side is that I don't get to enjoy the intellectual stimulation of my co-workers the way you do. I don't know what I like better -- deep sea fishing or cubicle fishing. 
19951204	Saleswoman: On one hand, my company does use inferior technology in our products... But on the other hand, I'm the most attractive female that has paid attention to you this year. Dilbert: What kind of engineers do you think we are??! Wally: Do you have pictures of your field support people? 
19951205	Alice: I can't believe you're recommending this lousy vendor just because the sales rep is gorgeous. Wally: Here's a picture of Thor, their field engineer. Alice: Does he really work without a shirt? Wally: Only if you buy the "Indian Chief" maintenance package. 
19951206	Dogbert: Your employees have recommended a vendor who has an attractive salesperson. But the "Dogbert Technology Company" can provide you with a solution for HALF the cost! Boss: I'll save money! What if I need to upgrade later? Is it expensive? Dogbert: I must have left that price sheet in my other fur. 
19951207	Dilbert: So, you ignored my recommendation and bought a low-cost system that's totally inadequate... You compensated for this blunder by making it part of MY objectives to make the system work... You'll get a bonus for saving money. I'll get fired, thus saving you more money and earning you ANOTHER bonus. Boss: I'm on a roll. 
19951208	Dogbert: It's funny -- Before your company bought that critical system from me, YOU had all the power... BUT NOW ONLY I CAN PROVIDE ESSENTIAL UPGRADES!! I CALL THE SHOTS, YOU SIMPLE FOOL!! Send in the next employee. Ted: At least we don't have any multi-vendor compatibility issues. 
19951209	Dogbert: It's inexplicable, but the low-cost system I sold you seems to be woefully underpowered. You could replace it with another vendor's system, thus showing everybody you made a mistake. Or you can pay my outrageous upgrade fees. Boss: How big a fool do you think I am? Dogbert: I won't know until I see if you go for the lease option. 
19951210	Egghead: Hello, is this the "Help Desk"? Dogbert: No, that group got reengineered out of existence. I'm the new "No Help Whatsoever Desk." My job is to make sure you never call again. Egghead: Can you tell me how to make a piechart? Dogbert: Crush your computer into small chunks, add flour and bake one hour. While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual." Repeat the process until you get the desired result. Egghead: This lost a LOT in the translation. 
19951211	Boss: Send this by e-mail. Fax it, too, in case he doesn't check his e-mail. And mail the original so he has a clean copy. Carol: Goodbye "paperless," hello "clueless." 
19951212	Boss: It's status report time where each of you gets to prove what poor communicators you are while I act interested! Remember to use lots of acronyms that only you understand. And speak in a whiny monotone that makes us all want to slap you! Wally: I'm starting to lose my idealism. 
19951213	Salesman: No, you fool. That modem will never fit your need. Dilbert: The specs look okay. Salesman: You're an idiot compared to me! Put that down! It's the wrong interface! The WRONG interface!!! Dilbert: Is he on commission? Cashier: Yes, he pays us a dollar per customer. Salesman: Rrrr. 
19951214	Carol: Wait-a-minute...I'm starting to realize something. My job title is Senior Associate, yet I spend my time doing clerical work...And unless I'm mistaken, I'm the lowest-paid employee. Dilbert: Is this a bad time? Carol: AAAGH!! I'M A SECRETARY! 
19951215	Wally: I read somewhere that certain religions require their initiates to perform pointless never-ending tasks to rid them of their egos. Boss: What now? 
19951216	Dogbert: When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class. Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face. The people who aren't doing that will be identified as my new ruling class. (SLAP!) 
19951217	Boss: Alice, our records show that you haven't taken a vacation all year. Company policy requires you to use your vacation days. Alice: How?? You told me to work seven days a week to prepare the project for your boss's year-end review. Do you want me to meet the artificial project target or the artificial vacation target? HELLO!!! THESE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE GOALS!!! HELLO!!! Ooh...Sorry. I usually just think that last part in silent frustration. Boss: Moving right along...Kudos to Wally for using all of his vacation days ahead of schedule. Wally: Get over it, Alice. We can't all be superstars. 
19951218	Boss: Our new slogan is "Everybody is in sales." Imagine if all our employees convinced their friends to buy our product, eventually... Alice: ...We'd have no friends? Wally: What's this "friend" thing I keep hearing about? 
19951219	Dilbert: My company asked all employees to act as salespeople to friends and family. I think you could use this, Mom. Mom: Why would I need a primary rate circuit? I've already got a frame relay drop to my web server in the sewing room. Dilbert: This is going to be a tough sale. Mom: Hello-o-o! Earth to Dilbert! This is packet data... 
19951220	Alice: Hey, what's Dogbert doing here? Dilbert: This is "Bring your dog to work day." Alice: There's no such thing. Dogbert: I'm through the security firewall and into the personnel records. Dilbert: We need to talk. 
19951221	Dilbert: It isn't ethical to hack into the payroll computer and give me a raise, Dogbert. Dogbert: Not ethical?? Is it ethical for them to make you work seventy hours a week and only pay you for forty??!! Dilbert: How about a five percent raise? Dogbert: Well, there is the issue of the quality of your work... 
19951222	Dogbert: Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal. But the people who manage the most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience. Dilbert: That's the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life! Dogbert: Thanks. I'm blushing. 
19951223	Dilbert: On the advice of my dog, I'm asking for an additional ten million dollars for my project. That will make a more spectacular failure, thus guaranteeing a promotion for me. Boss: As your boss, I'd get recognition, too...Okay. Wally: Wow! Do you have any advice for me?! Dogbert: Breath mints. 
19951224	Caption: Happy Airlines. Dilbert: Vacation, here we come! (Click click click click click click click click click click.) Dilbert: Why do they have to enter so much stuff in the computer? (Click click click click click click click.) Dilbert: They already have our reservation and seat assignment in there. What else do you need? (Click click click click click click.) Dilbert: I'm developing a sudden fear of flying. (Click click click click click click click click click click click click.) Dogbert: Step aside. WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE??!! Attendant: Gate 13. Have a nice flight. Dogbert: Okay. Monitor: "They never saw their beloved luggage again. The misfits always regretted offending Tantra, the goddess of flight. The end." (Click click click click.) 
19951225	Wally: I got myself one of those "900" phone numbers. I make money every time somebody calls for my valuable advice. (Ring ring ring ring ring ring.) Dilbert: Do you ever answer it? Wally: Voice mail...Get with the nineties. 
19951226	Wally: This is a living document. Boss: AAAAH!! Alice: Next time, just say you plan to update it. Dilbert: Mine's dead. 
19951227	Dilbert: Okay! This is one tidy little cubicle now! The cleanliness of one's workspace is a sign of how much one enjoys ones job. Alice: Give me the cleaner; It's my turn to fantasize that I'm a maid. Dilbert: Five more minutes...please. 
19951228	Dogbert: I declare myself "King Dogbert," the first ruler of the Internet. BOW BEFORE ME OR BE EXPELLED FROM THE KINGDOM FOREVER!!! Dilbert: Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently? Dogbert: Until now! 
19951229	Monitor: Your new software is successfully installed. Do you want to send your registration info by modem? Dilbert: Yes. Monitor: The software has found your credit card number and is placing orders for new products it thinks you need...Please wait. Dilbert: Uh... Monitor: Making room on your hard drive... Dilbert: I can't tell if it's a virus or just excellent marketing. Dogbert: Either way... 
19951230	Caption: Correction. Dogbert: A recent Dilbert strip used the words "ant farm" to describe a habitat for ants. Lawyers have informed me that "ant farm" is a trademark of "Uncle Milton Industries, Inc." They demand a public clarification. Dilbert: What SHOULD we call a habitat for worthless and disgusting little creatures? Dogbert: Law school. 
19951231	Boss: I've got an idea! All: We're doomed. Boss: Why can't we run our inventory database over our e-mail system? Dilbert: Fact: That is the stupidest idea in the universe. Wally: Fact: His comprehension is so limited that debate is futile. All: Fact: We could spend hours unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea. Fact: He would never know if we used his idea or not. Dilbert: No problem. Wally: We'll get right on it. Boss: My work is done. Wally: Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. Dilbert: And you don't want to get any on you. 
19960101	Dogbert: A while back I asked for opinions about this new character, "Tina the brittle tech writer." Tina: Rrrr. Dogbert: Results -- Most people, including nearly all self-described feminists, said keep her. But there were many requests to add "non-stereotypical" female characters for balance. In the interest of balance I give you "Antina." Antina: Is anybody up for some math? 
19960102	Antina: Hi, I'm Antina the non-stereotypical woman. That computer monitor you're using is supposed to be 17 inches. But it's more like 16.5 inches. I took the coffee machine apart just for fun -- Want to see? 
19960103	Ted: I've decided to mask my boyish looks by growing a beard. Wally: I didn't think Ted was smart enough to know how to grow a beard. Dilbert: Hee hee. Caption: Two weeks later. Ted: How do you like my beard? Boss: My search for a new manager is over. 
19960104	Boss: I promoted Ted to be your new manager. I used to think he looked boyish, but his new beard changed that. Alice: Are either of you the least bit concerned that Ted's beard is growing from his forehead? Ted: She made it sound as if it's wrong. Boss: You can punish them for having bad opinions. 
19960105	Ted: As your new boss I have yet to select my "pet" employee. I shall do this by closing my eyes and pointing the beard on my forehead. To make it fair, I'll close my eyes while one of you spins my chair! Dilbert: Alice...um...Technically this isn't "spinning." Label: Stairs. 
19960106	Pointy haired boss:How do you like being a manager, Ted? Ted:Yesterday my staff pushed me down ten flights of stairs.  My soul left my body and now I'm a lifeless evil entity. Pointy haired boss: Just in time to do performance reviews! Ted: I couldn't have planned it better. 
19960107	Dilbert: Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? Pointy haired boss: Good news! Dilbert: Uh oh. Pointy haired boss: You won't have to spend another day in this tiny cubicle. Dilbert: I'm getting an office? Pointy haired boss: Better! You're getting a roommate! Dilbert: Why??? We've got plenty of empty cubicles! Our company owns the whole building! Pointy haired boss: The finance department charges my budget for the square footage we use. Dilbert: It's a false savings! You're hurting the company! Pointy haired boss:  All I hear is a faint buzzing. Dilbert: Oh well.  How bad could it be? Roommate with boom box: I hope you like baked beans and square dancing as much as I do!
19960108	Caption: Performance review. Ted: Your engineering work was excellent, Alice. But there was the little incident where you... SHOVED ME DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND KILLED ME, THUS INVITING THE FORCES OF DARKNESS TO POSSESS MY BODY!!! Alice: Back! Dilbert: How'd it go? Alice: I swear, this job is all politics. 
19960109	Dilbert: My new boss is possessed by an evil force. We need your advice, dogbert.  Dogbert: There is only one solution. You must drive a stake through his heart.  Dibert: There's no way we could be so cruel.  Alice: Can I borrow your pen? All I have is this wimpy retractable.
19960110	Dilbert: Alice is ready to drive a stake through the heart of our demon-possessed boss. (WHACK WHACK WHACK.) Ted: It's times like these when I'm glad my heart is the size of a raisin! Alice: I need all of your pens, including "Blue Betty." 
19960111	Dilbert: I would never buy something over the Internet. I'd hate to have my credit card number floating around out there. There are a lot of unscrupulous people on the Net. Caption: Later. Dilbert: ...Bottom line, it just doesn't make common sense. 
19960112	Carl: It's time for a visit from "Camping Carl." Dilbert: There goes my entire morning. Carl: I'd like to begin with a monologue entitled "Woe Is Carl." I'm working every minute! Dilbert: They all laughed when I built the escape tunnel. 
19960113	Wally: Gotta hurry. One...two...three... I have twelve seconds to get to the shared laser printer. Alice: Guess who saved the Apollo 13 space mission. Dilbert: Did you know that Wally invented the cursor? 
19960114	Wally: We need to have a little talk... You told me to finish my project in a week but it's taken two months. This doesn't look good for your ability to estimate resource requirements. Frankly, it's not much of an endorsement of your leadership either. I was uninspired the whole time. And don't even get me started about your incompetence at budgeting. I spent WAY more than you predicted! Your incessant demands for status reports were like a rope that strangled my productivity! Bottom line, your performance did NOT meet my expectations. Dilbert: So, Wally, do you still think the best defense is a good offense? Wally: It seemed like such a good idea. 
19960115	Dogbert: I call my new operating system the "Dogbert 2000." Soon I will dominate the entire PC industry! Heh-heh... Dilbert: It looks like "Windows 95." Dogbert: I use some of the same graphic metaphors, but I pronounce them differently. Dilbert: How do you pronounce the "Microsoft" logo? 
19960116	Dogbert: After I become a billionaire from my software company I'll do a little dance. I'm so rich it's me you hail. If I'm obnoxious kiss my tail. Dilbert: Do you plan to do any charity work? Dogbert: Let me put it this way -- You just saw my contribution to the fine arts. 
19960117	Dogbert: If you plan to remain in the computer business you'd better bundle the "Dogbert 2000" operating system with every unit you sell. Otherwise, after I dominate the market you'll be last on my list to receive new products! Client: You remind me of somebody... Dogbert: It's the glasses, isn't it? 
19960118	Caption: Dogbert meets with software developers. Dogbert: Note the huge market for software that runs on the "Dogbert 2000" operating system. But who cares? The important thing is that I brought a bag of toys. Some say the computer industry is built on silicon. I think foam and plastic are equally important. 
19960119	Dogbert: Thanks to my software empire, my net wealth is twenty billion dollars. Contrary to popular opinion, it does seem to make me happy. Dilbert: Money can't buy a sunset, Dogbert. Dogbert: No, but I was able to license the digital rights. 
19960120	Dogbert: I heard you were doing some baby-sitting, Bob. Bob: Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night. It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers. Dogbert: When you say "juggle"... Dilbert: It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan. 
19960121	Catbert: Hee hee! This is my most diabolical work yet as director of Human Resources. Thanks to e-mail, I can play with hundreds of employees at once! Dilbert: Uh-oh...A message from the evil Mister Catbert. Message: "In order to reduce our janitorial expenses..." Alice: That's a phrase you don't want to see. Message: "Every engineer will be required to strap a broom to his or her..." "...Buttocks." Wally: On the positive side, marketing invites us to a lot more meetings now. Salesman: Five minutes; We're still eating cookies. 
19960122	Boss: The company announced a new compensation plan today. Bonuses will be paid only to the top ten percent of the employees. In related news, 89% of the employees resigned in bitter disgust. The top ten percent also left, realizing they could get better jobs elsewhere. This could have an impact on those of you who remain. Wally: We get the bonuses? 
19960123	Dilbert: I'm inventing a new technology to prevent kids from seeing smut on the Internet. Dogbert: So, you're pitting your intelligence against the collective sex drive of all the teenagers who own computers? Dilbert: What is your point? Dogbert: Did you know that if you put a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in Hell? 
19960124	Dilbert: Matt, your job is to test my new invention that blocks kids from seeing dirty pictures on the internet. His youthful curiosity is no match for my technical brilliance. I hope that wasn't the sound of eyeballs getting really big.
19960125	Boss: I've asked Dogbert to help us get rid of our most troublesome customers. Dogbert: Grrr. Ten percent of your customers account for ninety percent of your service costs. They must be eliminated. Alice: Is that the same group of customers who actually USE our product? Dogbert: Plus the ones who were injured unpacking it. 
19960126	Dogbert: I've reduced your service costs by giving the technical-support group an unlisted phone number. And a flaw in your product disables the customers e-mail; They can't even write to you for help! Boss: What if they ask a friend to e-mail us? Alice: People who use our product don't have friends. Wally: Really? I use it. 
19960127	Dilbert: ...But our primary vendor can't deliver, so... Boss: I wonder what's on TV tonight. Dilbert: ...Should we risk a lawsuit or build a product that nobody on Earth wants? Boss: Did he ask me to make a choice? Dilbert: Will it be a request for information or an impractical solution? Boss: Let's do both! 
19960128	Dilbert: I need your help, Dogbert. My company is downsizing. They told us to write our own job requirements then reapply for our jobs. Dogbert: Why do you want to keep working for such a lame company? Dilbert: Loyalty! Both: HA HA HA HA! HEE HEE! Dogbert: Good one! Okay. You must write your job requirements so you are the only one on Earth who fits. Dilbert: Right. Dogbert: The candidate must have six years experience sitting in a big box being micromanaged by a nitwit. Dilbert: The candidate must have a festering cynicism and an acquired fear of action. Dogbert: Good. Dilbert: That narrows it to ten thousand employees. Dogbert: We'll have to focus on your physical abnormalities. 
19960129	POINT HAIRED BOSS: We won the bid to rebuild our nation's air traffic control systems.  ALICE:  Yippeee!!!   DILBERT: Yes!!   WALLY: To the phones!  POINT HAIRED BOSS (thinking): They don't usually get that excited.  WALLY (on phone):  Buy a thoudand shares of "Bluehound Bus Lines."  
19960130	Boss: I hired the "Dogbert Consulting Company" to lead the project because none of you is bright enough. And you all have bad attitudes for no apparent reason; That's no way to be a leader. Wally: Shall we go around the table and introduce ourselves? Dogbert: I don't get chummy with the locals. 
19960131	Wally: Wally writes the critical code for our nation's new Air Traffic Control system. The crowd is silent. Suddenly the gifted programmer employs a rarely seen strategy of "code reuse." The crowd goes wild. Dilbert: So you used code from the payroll system? Wally: Here's a tip: Don't fly on pay day. 
19960201	Dogbert: Thanks to my leadership, the new Air Traffic Control system is designed on time and under budget. I had to cut a few corners. This big radar-looking thing is a wall clock. And most of the buttons are glued on. Boss: It looks like it might be um...dangerous. Dogbert: Great...I finish early and what do I get: "feature creep." 
19960202	Boss: I need everybody to help in the shipping department today. Every product that ships by the end of the month gets counted as revenue for the fiscal year. Unfortunately, we don't have inventory. So we'll ship whatever is lying around, book it as revenue and sort it out later. Wally: This one's getting gum. 
19960203	Dilbert: Hey, Wally! The boss sent his first e-mail message! And you said he wasn't bright enough to figure out how to use e-mail! Wally: What's his message? Dilbert: "I forgot my watch. Does anybody know what time it is?" Wally: Time to change jobs. 
19960204	Mom: I'll never understand what you do for a living. Dilbert: I told you I'm an engineer, Mom. Mom: So you say. But you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do any engineering? Dilbert: Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a "knowledge worker." Mom: Which experts call it that? Dilbert: I don't know. Mom: What's the name of the product you're working on? Dilbert: I don't know what the acronym stands for... Mom: What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect? Dilbert: Um...I don't know... Mom: Oh, dear...Well, I'm sure you're very punctual. Dilbert: ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION!! C'MON... Dogbert: Why do they call you a "KNOWLEDGE worker"? 
19960205	Dogbert: I have discovered the cause of your project delays. Somebody in this room is a piece of deadwood pretending to be a contributor! IT IS YOU! Deadwood: Hey, I made some calls and I'm waiting for information! 
19960206	Boss: Alice, you've got to lock up these proprietary documents you have in your cubicle. If our competitors see our plans, it could be very dangerous. Alice: For us or for them? Caption: The competitors. Competitor: Ooh! Look! They're planning to "utilize synergy." We're in trouble now! Others: Ha ha ha. Stop! You're killing me!! 
19960207	Alice: Why is it that the people with the least need for storage space have the biggest offices? I know! You're using your office as kind of a living monument to inefficiency! Boss: Is this because I wouldn't let you get a file cabinet? Alice: Where would I put it? My cubicle is full of stacks of proprietary documents. 
19960208	Dilbert: I told you this project would take a year. But on my objectives you say I must have it done in three months. Which of these reasons best describes why: A. You have great confidence in me. B. You think I padded my estimate. C. You hate my guts. Boss: We don't really need the project. It's just a way to keep raises low. Dilbert: I just felt a little dip in my motivation. 
19960209	Boss: Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month. Wally: Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance? Boss: It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at achieving them. 
19960210	Dilbert: I have too many passwords in my life. What if I forget them? Dogbert: You'd lose your job! You wouldn't be able to withdraw money or check phone messages! You'd be dead in a week!! Dilbert: That would have been a good time to be quietly supportive, Dogbert. Dogbert: Oh, yeah, that's a lot of fun. 
19960211	Dogbert: Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals... Simple cells combine to make powerful lifeforms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be our FUTURE, not our origin! What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!! Dilbert: That would certainly limit the types of files I download. I wonder what it would do to response times. Dogbert: It's so nice to spend time alone with my thoughts. Dilbert: My web browser would FLY! 
19960212	Caption: Catbert the evil Human Resources Director. Catbert: The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped. I SUMMON THE DEMONS OF DARKNESS TO ASSIST ME!!! Phil: ...Eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a "time bank." Catbert: It's playful...It's cruel...I like it. 
19960213	Catbert: I know I should be off tormenting people... But I can't pry myself away from this most excellent butt-warming device. It's probably because of the hype, but I'm thinking this would be even better with "Windows 95." 
19960214	Boss: As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy. You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops. Dilbert: I heard that the new co-op only lasted one day. Alice: He didn't fit in. 
19960215	Boss: Here's the revised standard employment agreement. Sign it or be fired. Dilbert: "This agreement is between the company (hereafter referred to as 'the only company that would ever hire you') and you (hereafter called 'Pudding Head')." It seems to have a bit of an attitude. Boss: Our lawyers turned on us. I suspect rabies. 
19960216	Dilbert: I can't believe they expect us to sign these new employment agreement forms. Wally: According to this, anything we even THINK of becomes the company's property. I'm surprised they don't claim our firstborn sons! What do you suppose it means when they copyright our "DNA and all derivative works"? Alice: They'd make an exception for you. 
19960217	Dilbert: Look at the agreement my company is forcing us to sign. They claim the rights to any idea an employee ever has. Dogbert: No problem. Just retype it with a few strategic omissions and sign it. They can't proofread every one. Dilbert: Wouldn't that be dishonest? Dogbert: Maybe you could just show them some of your ideas and they'd grant you a waiver. 
19960218	Dilbert: Here's my project timeline. The "work" portion will take one week. Slide: Work: 1 week. Dilbert: I'll spend another three weeks meeting with people whom you send to me because you don't feel like talking to them yourself. Slide: 3 weeks. Dilbert: I'll spend eight weeks getting competitive bids from companies that I know I won't select. ...Six weeks to get the wisdom and approval of executives who are too busy to understand the issues. During that time you will randomly reorganize the department and cut my funding. In the final phase I leap to my death, a bitter and broken shell of a man. Slide: Eeee!!! Boss: Is there some sort of manager thing I should be doing now? Dilbert: If I time my leap right you'll just be leaving the building. 
19960219	Boss: This colored pie chart shows an unexplained rise in expenses. You each get a binder of colored pie charts so you can help find the cause of our rising expenses. Wally: How much do color copies cost? Dilbert: I think I see it! Alice: It's not the "Magic Eye," Doofus. 
19960220	Boss: I moved our software development work to the impoverished nation of Elbonia. I'm brilliant. They write high-quality code for six cents a day! There's no risk! Dilbert: Red Alert! Caption: Elbonia. Elbonian 1: Tomorrow, YOU be the computer. 
19960221	Alice: I heard that our software development work has been moved to the tiny nation of Elbonia. Dilbert: Things can't get worse than that. Boss: Dilbert, you're in charge of integrating the Elbonian's software with our existing systems. Dilbert: Okay, NOW it can't get any worse. Boss: You might want to get a tuberculosis vaccination. 
19960222	Caption: Somewhere in Elbonia. Dilbert: I've been assigned to check the software you're writing for us under contract. Elbonian 1: The documentation is written in our own Elbonian language. Elbonian 2: Is that a problem? Dilbert: That's better than I'd hoped. I was afraid nobody here knew how to write. Elbonian 1: Writing is easy. Someday we hope to read, too. 
19960223	Dilbert: Before I accept the software you wrote under contract, tell me what development methodology you use. Elbonian 1: We hold village meetings to boast of our skills and curse the devil-spawned end-users. Elbonian 2: Sometimes we juggle. Elbonian 1: At the last minute we slam out some code and go roller skating. Dilbert: I would find this humorous if not for the pig on my back. 
19960224	Dilbert: You saved one million dollars by having programmers in Elbonia write software for us. But we wasted four million dollars trying to debug the software. And the entire staff of our Quality Assurance group quit to become mimes. Boss: Blame it on the mimes; They won't talk. 
19960225	Dilbert: I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert. We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months. Caption: "First it comes to our mailroom for aging." Mail Clerk: Do we like Dilbert? Mail Clerk: Bad haircut penalty box. Caption: "Months later it gets to our department secretary." Dilbert: It's urgent. Carol: I'll start ignoring it immediately. Caption: "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." Boss: Let's get some more bids. Dilbert: That was the PAST. This is the PRESENT. Caption: "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." Troll 1: No, thanks. I'm full. Troll 2: Just a taste. Dilbert: How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic? Dogbert: I'd tell everybody that the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically. 
19960226	Dilbert: I hate my shirts. Each one has either a stain or a missing button. They say engineers are not concerned with fashion, but that's not fair. Which stain goes with this tie? Dogbert: Definitely the marinara. 
19960227	Boss: We just got our consultants report. He's identified our biggest problem. Wally: I recommend that we build a tracking database. Dilbert: We can put it on the network. Boss: Would you like to hear what the problem is first? Wally: I hate to dwell on the negative. Dilbert: We like databases. 
19960228	Boss: You haven't heard what the problem is yet; How can you recommend building a database to solve it?? Wally: We always build a database. Dilbert: And we'll need coffee mugs for the project team. Boss: The PROBLEM is that we have poor processes. Wally: That could be the slogan on our mugs! 
19960229	Dilbert: Dogbert, I need you to facilitate some meetings. Dogbert: What kind of meetings? Dilbert: We're creating a process to fix our product development process. But first we're having some preplanning meetings... ...To decide on a project name. Dogbert: How about "Death Spiral"? 
19960301	Dogbert: I've been asked to facilitate this meeting. I alone will determine who can speak. I'd like to begin with a raw display of my power. You may not speak. Hey, Wally...Did you ever hear of a thing called exercise? 
19960302	Dogbert: I think you'll agree that this meeting went smoothly with me as facilitator. The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work despite being surrounded by dolts. 
19960303	Boss: I want you to interview the new candidate for engineering. Don't reveal any ugly truths. Dilbert: At this company we're dedicated to the principle of employee empowerment, Jennifer. Jennifer: The "principle of employee empowerment"? Dilbert: Uh-oh. Jennifer: Why would you have a special phrase for something like that? If you could really make decisions on your own it would never occur to you to invent a phrase for it. Dilbert: My shields are down...A hull breach is imminent... Jennifer: Just don't tell me you have "quality teams." Dilbert: RUN FOR IT JENNIFER!!! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF!!! RUN!!! Wally: Woah! Hull breach...Any survivors? Dilbert: One. I had to jettison my dignity but she made it to the escape pod. 
19960304	Boss: Add an executive summary to the approval page. Keep it simple. Our executives don't understand as much about technology as I do. Dilbert: How could they know less than you do? You haven't figured out how to make your car go uphill. Boss: Wrong; I got AAA road service. 
19960305	Dilbert: I have to turn this fifty-page proposal into a one-paragraph summary for our CEO. It's impossible. Dogbert: Simple. How about "Give us three million dollars so we can buy cool technology, pump up our resumes and escape this festering boil called a company"? Dilbert: I feel obligated to say something about our customers. Dogbert: How about "I'm glad I'm not one of them." 
19960306	Boss: Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week? Dilbert: Well...That would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos... Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing valuable work... Boss: And we'll need a banner that says "Quality." 
19960307	Dilbert: We had to cut some corners to get the demo ready this soon. Wally is under the table. He'll pretend to be the 3-D interface that we could build if we weren't doing useless demos. Boss: He's a little fuzzy. Can you adjust it? Dilbert: Try the electric shaver. 
19960308	Boss: Our new VP is coming. Is the demo of our holographic interface ready? Dilbert: Everything should be fine...Unless we're suddenly visited by the dark angel of product demos... Phil: Hello-o-o, Wally. Did somebody say "demo"? Dilbert: I'm Dilbert; loyal peon. 
19960309	Dilbert: We planned a dazzling demo for you, but as you can see we're being visited by the dark angel of demos. Phil: The demo is a sham. Their project is doomed. Cut their funding before your name is associated with it. Dilbert: The worst is over. Phil: Look at some of the pictures the "boys" store on the file server... 
19960310	Caption: Mysteries revealed. Dogbert: How do ceiling tiles get damaged? Caption: It begins with a lowly engineer who makes a technology decision. The engineer writes up his recommendation. Dilbert: Ten pages. Caption: The boss summarizes it for the Executive Director. Boss: One-page summary. Caption: The Executive Director summarizes it for the Vice President. Executive: Three bullet points... Caption: The VP summarizes it for the President. VP: Nice necktie. President: Thanks. Have some stock options. Caption: The President sees a CNN report and makes a technology decision. TV: Interactive holographs are hot! President: Get me some of that! Caption: The engineer is assigned to justify the President's technology decision. Boss: He took that well. Dilbert: Ouch. 
19960311	Dilbert: Wally and I came up with a great new idea! Speaker: Inspiration alert in effect!! DANGER! NEW IDEA! State your idea now. Dilbert: Um, you tell him. Hammer: Crush-o-matic. 
19960312	Dilbert: If this company won't use our product idea let's quit and start our own business! Wally: Why quit? We can run our new company from our cubicles and get paid too. Dilbert: Wouldn't that be immoral? Wally: That's only an issue for people who aren't already in Hell. 
19960313	Boss: It has come to my attention that some employees are running businesses from their cubicles. Dilbert: Really?? Boss: I don't want to see any signs of that in my department. Dilbert: Fair enough. Signs: Software Outlet / Sale / Palms Read $25 / Shoe World / Walbert Inc. Dilbert: What about "Yellow Pages" ads? 
19960314	Dilbert: Ratbert, we'd like you to be Director of Marketing for the company we're starting. Ratbert: Okay! What do I do? Dilbert: Be as annoying and illogical as you can. We'll whack you in the head with balled-up socks to make you shut up. It's definitely better to be an owner than an employee. Wally: Let's link his salary to earnings! Hee hee! 
19960315	Dogbert: The business plan for your start-up is idiotic but I'm going to provide the venture capital funding anyway. We'll generate lots of media hype, go public and make millions by shafting greedy and ignorant investors. The Latin word for "close your eyes and open your mouth" is "prospectus." Wally: This is exactly why I'm afraid of dogs. 
19960316	Dilbert: Wally and I started our own company. We're selling the product that you said nobody wants. Wally: Soon we'll be rich. Dilbert: We do our victory jig in your face. Wally: Ba-bum. Alice: When he showed you your employment agreement -- where you gave all patent rights to this company -- what part of the jig were you doing? Dilbert: Turbo-mooning. Sob. 
19960317	Dilbert: I have an ethical question, Dogbert. Dogbert: I'm here to help. Dilbert: Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion... Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed? Dogbert: I will need my assistant, Ratbert, to address your ethical question. Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer. Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this... (Smack.) Dilbert: How does this relate to my situation? Dogbert: To be honest I wasn't listening to you. 
19960318	Boss: Hey, everybody. Meet our new intern, Asok. Alice: I hope this one's sturdier than the last one. Wally: My staple remover is broken. Somebody toss that intern to me! 
19960319	Caption: Asok the Intern. Dilbert: As an intern, your assignments won't be as glamorous as mine, but you'll gain experience. Boss: Dilbert, I need a status report on the mouse pad inventory. Dilbert: See? My assignment has the word "status" built right in. Asok: Danger! Alert! 
19960320	Caption: Asok the Intern. Alice: Asok, come quickly! It's an emergency! You must crawl through the Jeffries tube and shut down the furnace before it fries us all! Today young Asok learns that life is NOT like "Star Trek." Asok: I'm stuck. Sign: Spank the intern 50 cents. 
19960321	Boss: I want everyone to prepare a presentation for the Executive Review Board. Urgent. Dilbert: What's that smell? Yes!!!...It's the scent of unnecessary work for a meeting that will be canceled. (Sniff sniff.) Wally: Did you smell the unnecessary work? We can ignore it! Dilbert: It's like popcorn for the soul. Alice: Urgent. 
19960322	Alice: Why aren't you slaving away, preparing for the Executive Review Board meeting? Dilbert: I have the male "work avoidance chromosome." I can detect unnecessary work, thereby avoiding it. Alice: We ALL have to be ready to present something! Wally: Could you hold it down? I'm trying to sleep. 
19960323	Alice: I don't believe men have a special chromosome to tell them which assignments are a waste of time. Dilbert: We do. Alice: I will test the theory on young Asok the intern. Asok: Mmm...The sweet smell of unnecessary work. Alice: Maybe men are more perceptive than you'd think. Asok: She's aroused. I'll make my move. 
19960324	Alice: Here's the analysis you asked for...I worked all night. But you said this was vital for your meeting today so I know it was worth the effort. Boss: This is excellent work, Alice. Alice: A rare compliment; It was all worthwhile. Mmm. Boss: I'll use it as backup material. Alice: Backup?!! Nobody looks at backup material! I'm going to grab your pointy hair, yank you out of that cheap suit and fling your naked body down the hall. Wally: She's always irritable the week before her performance review cycle. Dilbert: Her distance improved this year! Boss: Ow! 
19960325	Dilbert: At long last our product is complete. It ships tomorrow. Marketer: That's terrific. I only have a few additional features to add and the marketing department will be happy. Boss: Okay. Marketer: I believe that our customers want hardware, not software. Wally: It's times like this I wish I was a psychopath. Dilbert: You're not? 
19960326	Boss: I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment. Tina: I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent. MY next raise will depend on THEIR performance. Asok: I'll do the sports page. Ratbert: I'll be the topless model on page two. 
19960327	Tina: Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter... I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor. Asok: I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore I'll be the executive editor. Ratbert: Is "publisher" taken? 
19960328	Tina: At the risk of dying from boredom, I must interview you for the department newsletter. Dilbert: Let me give you some background before I talk about my project... Tina: "The project is good," quipped the engineer. Dilbert: ...So there I am in my mom's Fallopian tube... 
19960329	Tina: Wally, I'm hoping you'll agree to write about your project for the department newsletter... And in the grand tradition of engineering, I expect you'll give this the lowest priority, thus making me despise you. Wally: So...Are you saying you don't despise me NOW? Tina: WE ARE NOT HAVING A "MOMENT" HERE! 
19960330	Caption: Performance review. Boss: Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise. Tina: The newsletter was YOUR idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my idiotic coworkers. Boss: You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork. Tina: I understand its value; It just cost me a two-percent raise. 
19960331	Boss: It's my honor to present this special bonus check to Barry. Alice: That's you. Barry: MY name is Barry?? Boss: This is for working hundreds of hours of overtime. While you quitters were going home by 9 PM every night... Barry remained at work staring at his computer for hours. It's important to recognize extra effort. Sadly, that's the end of the special bonus budget for the year. Barry: (Burp.) Wally: In retrospect, I shouldn't have told Barry that his screen saver is an epic miniseries. 
19960401	Boss: In an effort to boost sales, laptop computers have been given to every member of the sales force. Wally: That could be a problem, given the recent cuts to the training budget. Caption: Meanwhile, in the field. Salesman: And if you order today, I'll throw in this rectangular plastic thing. 
19960402	Dilbert: I wish I had an Ivy League degree so I could be promoted to Vice President. Dogbert: You don't need one. Dilbert: It's impossible to be a Vice President without one. Dogbert: I'll bet $100 I can turn a rat into a Vice President. That was good, but try saying it as though your soul just abandoned your body. Ratbert: "We've reorganized to focus on our core competency." 
19960403	Dogbert: Remember everything I taught you, Ratbert. If you can pass yourself off as a corporate Vice President, I'll win my bet. Ratbert: Yo, Headcount! If you have any issues, put together an action plan. Our people are the best. Don't spend money. Wally: Do you really think he's a Vice President? Alice: Maybe, but I'm not ready to rule out "annoying rodent" yet. Ratbert: Quality. 
19960404	President: Mister Ratbert, I don't think I can hire a rat to be our Vice President of marketing. You need experience in the technology industry. Ratbert: I spent a week in a dumpster at Proctor and Gamble. President: Close enough! Welcome to the team! Ratbert: I'll bring some cronies with me. They're flies. 
19960405	Ratbert: I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became Vice President of marketing. My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press. Dilbert: It looks like you're full. Columnist: You can cling to the cat until a space opens. 
19960406	Ratbert: I quit my job as vice president of marketing. I was losing my scruples... becoming unscrupulous. Yes, I learned a valuable lesson about scruples. Dilbert: And that lesson would be? Ratbert: It's fun to say "scruples."
19960407	Pointy haired boss: Go home, Dilbert. Relax! You're working too hard! Dilbert: You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent. Pointy haired boss: Relax! Go home! Shoo! (Suddenly Dilbert is sucked into the "boss zone" where time and logic do not apply. Dilbert: How can I relax AND do urgent work at the same time? Pointy haired boss: Work smarter, not harder. (Mercifully, the angel of cynicism appears.) Dogbert: Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway. (The inspirational moral...) Dilbert: Freedom's just another word for not caring about the quality of your work!
19960408	Pointy haired boss: The executive review board meeting is canceled. I hope you didn't work too hard preparing for it. Alice: Must... control fist... of... death... Wally: Unlike Alice, I saw it coming and did no work whatsoever. Alice: Did you see THAT coming, Nostradamus? Wally: Ow Dilbert: What does this do to headcount?
19960409	Dilbert: Stupid machine, you've taken my coins and with them my sunny disposition. Dilbert: There's nothing left to give!!! You've taken it all!!! Dilbert: Okay, you got my dignity and my career, too... But I am drawing the line here, buster!
19960410	Catbert the H.R. Director  Catbert: This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money. Catbert: The company used to offer counseling in these cases. But we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty. Dibert: What?! How is that possible? Catbert: I'm not sure yet. You're too big for the microwave oven...
19960411	Dilbert: Today was a bad day. First the vending machine stole my money... Dilbert: ...and by the end of the day I had been sentenced to death by the director of human resources... Dogbert: I've become totally desensitized to tragic news! Dilbert: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow. I should call in sick.
19960412	Dogbert versus Catbert  Dogbert: I understand you've sentenced Dilbert to death. CatbertL Is that a problem? Dogbert: My assistant, Bob the dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a "furwedgie." Dilbert: I've been pardoned. Somehow they lost the paperwork ordering my execution. Dogbert: It probably fell into a crack.
19960413	Alice: The internal job postings are out. Here's a job I'd love. Alice: "Experience required: The candidate must be a guy named Eric, pot-bellied, nearsighted, must drive a red Ford Bronco." Dilbert: They might have someone in mind already. Alice: If I squint... and leave my "control top" pantyhose at home...
19960414	Dilbert: Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal. Dogbert: While Dilbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering... Dogbert: You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked statues. Dogbert: Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications. Dogbert: You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden "scratch and sniff" panels. Dogbert: In summary. Dogbert: Never question an engineer's opinion, you thundering moron! Dilbert: Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said "thundering." Dogbert: What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?!!
19960415	Pointy haired boss: Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort. Pointy haired boss: So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule. Night shift manager: I like my status reports rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it.
19960416	Night shift manager: This dog is specially trained to detect wasted resources. Night shift manager: He'll help me find out why your project is behind schedule even after adding me as manager. Dog: sniff sniff Night shift manager: We'll begin as soon as he's done playing around.
19960417	Carol: Oh my! This is shocking! Pointy haired boss: What? Carol: 40% of all sick days taken by your staff are Fridays and Mondays! Pointy haired boss: What kind of idiot do they think I am? Carol: Not an idiot savant. They can do math.
19960418	Pointy haired boss: It has come to my attention that 40% of your sick days are on Fridays and Mondays. This is unacceptable. Asok: Ha ha ha!!! That's a good one!!! Asok: Please tell me he was kidding. Wally: Welcome to hell, kid.
19960419	Dogbert: I can make your employees more creative and spiritually fulfilled. Dogbert: I use my special blend of poetry and dance to touch their souls. Pointy haired boss: Okay. You're hired. Dogbert: There once was a dog with a hat... Who got paid to dance like that... Wally: Hey! My soul just healed!
19960420	Dogbert: Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being. Alice: Excuse me? Alice: We want more MONEY, not more dancing dogs!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! Pointy haired boss; So you're saying those primal screams are healty? Can you teach me to do it? Dogbert: Here's my invoice - go wild.
19960421	Ken: Yo, Dil-man! Dilbert: Uh-oh, it's Ken from sales. Ken: I told our biggest customers how great our next product will be. Now nobody will buy our current product. Ken: When will the new version be available? Dilbert: In a year or two. Ken: Hmm... I seem to have single-handedly destroyed an entire product line. Ken: Luckily our biggest competitor is hiring sales people. And I'm betting THEY'LL have brisk sales this year! Ken: Commissions galore! Dilbert: If there's justice in this world, the idiots will be punished... Dilbert: ...before they get promoted. Pointy haired boss: Um... We need the new version by Tuesday.
19960422	Catbert, H.R. director. Catbert: Wally, it might not seem fair that new employees are paid more than you... But you could always quit and then reapply for your old job at higher salary. Wally: I just might do that!! Catbert: Would you mind rubbing this catnip all over your body first?
19960423	Wally: So I'm thinking I'll resign, then I'll reapply for my current job at a higher salary. Dilbert: That's a good plan except for the fact that you're thoroughly unqualified for your current job. Wally: I need to share my unrealistic plans with a friend who isn't an engineer. Dilbert: I'm more of a co-worker than a friend, per se. 
19960424	Marketer: And that's the marketing plan. Any comments? Dilbert: It appears to be a bunch of obvious generalities and wishful thinking with no apparent business value. Marketer: Marketing didn't turn out to be the glamour career I expected. Wally: I circled all the words you won't find in any dictionary. 
19960425	Caption: Experiment #1: I am exposing a rat to my company's marketing plan. He seems to have no adverse response to the introduction and background. This is already far more exposure than humans could tolerate. Ratbert: Sales projections...Brain tumor...Get Tylenol... 
19960426	Dilbert: Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline. If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time reporting system. Carol: Are you finished annoying me yet? Dilbert: According to my time sheet, I'll be here for another 14 minutes. 
19960427	Wally: I got myself a little work-avoidance device. If I want to leave a meeting early, I just look down and say "uh-oh" and scurry away. Alice: What's the pager number in case I need you? Wally: You're not quite grasping the concept here, Alice. 
19960428	Boss: Great news! The company set a new record for profits! That means T-shirts for everyone! You can choose from sizes "small," "petite" or "elfin." Alice: Shouldn't these have the company name or logo on them? Boss: Hey, that's an idea for next year! Alice: It's 1% cotton, 99% "miscellaneous" and all hand-made by authentic slave laborers. Dilbert: That's great! With slave labor, you don't have the problem that the shirts made on Fridays aren't as good! Alice: Do you ever worry that our career expectations have gotten too low? Dilbert: Don't go there, Alice. Wally: "Casual day," here I come! 
19960429	Caption: Catbert, H.R. Director. Catbert: I've come to give you "employee orientation," Wally. Wally: But I've worked here for years. Catbert: You still have a glimmer of hope. You'll have to watch this mandatory training video. Television: So, you still have hope... Catbert: Relax...Let it go. 
19960430	Wally: I'm pleased to report another banner week of accomplishments! Wally: I streamlined my business process while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity. Pointy haired boss: You watched the mandatory training videos? Wally: And I lost my free will!
19960501	Wally: I just watched the mandatory video on sexual harassment. It worked! Wally: In only thirty minutes, that video corrected a billion years of evolution. Do something sexy and watch me ignore it! Wally: I probably shouldn't have fast-forwarded throught the boring parts.
19960502	Dilbert: Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken. Dilbert: Uh-oh. It's a "token ring" LAN. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace. Wally: You are wind beneath my wings. Dilbert: I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be in the "ethernet." 
19960503	Pointy haired boss: We'll have to eliminate a few steps in order to hit the market window. Pointy haired boss: I think we can get rid of market research and technical testing. They're basically "overhead." Pointy haired boss: Gone! Now we'll hit the window! Dilbert: ...like a bird.
19960504	Wally: Here are my budget estimates for the year. Wally: Thanks to management bungling and indecision, I plan to use no capital for several months followed by a reckless year-end orgy of acquisition. Wally: Is that what you were looking for? Pointy haired boss: Tell me again what "capital" is.
19960505	Pointy haired boss: I need to move you one cubicle down. Dilbert: Why? Pointy haired boss: That way my people will be in a square pattern. Pointy haired boss: You're in a random pattern now. The symmetry is bad. Dilbert: You want men to waste two days of work to move... Dilbert: I'll have no phone and no network connection for a week... Dilbert: I'll have to order new business cards and update my cubicle address on dozends of records. Dilbert: And you still won't have a SQUARE because there are FIVE of us. Employee: I got downsized. Apparently somebody complained that I formed a pentagon. Dilbert: That can happen.
19960506	Wally: This week I kicked off the "Wally compensation equilibrium project." Wally: My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary. Pointy haired boss: I hate the first month after they see their raises. Wally: I'd go on, but I just achieved equilibrium.
19960507	Catbert, the evil director of human resources  Catbert: We're moving to "cafeteria style" benefits. Catbert: Under this system, if you need health care, you wander through the cafeteria asking "Does anybody know what this red lump is?" Alice: What if it's a life-threatening problem? Catbert: That reminds me, the cafeteria won't be labeling the entrees anymore.
19960508	Dogbert: I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor. Dogbert: Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant. Dilbert: That sounds lazy and unhelpful. Dogbert: Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?
19960509	dogbert, career counselor dogbert: you can't expect your employer to take care of you forever, wally. dogbert: don't expect raises, don't expect to be trained and don't expect a pension. wally: that's depressing.  I need a sourball. dogbert: those are marbles wrapped in cellophane.
19960510	Caption: Dogbert, Career Counselor. Dogbert: According to your occupational preference test, you like to remove vital organs from helpless people. That narrows the career choices to doctor or serial killer. Do you get along with other people? Killer: Other people are insignificant insects. Dogbert: We'll have to go to a tie-breaker question. 
19960511	Caption: Dogbert, Career Counselor. Tina: I'm a lowly technical writer now, but my goal is to become a famous novelist. My plan is to write witty and scathing e-mail messages about co-workers until a publisher gives me an advance. Dogbert: They might expect you to write a book at some point. Tina: BLOOD SUCKERS! 
19960512	Boss: I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment. VP: My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies. From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked. The only key will be under the control of your bitter and inefficient secretary. Questions? Asok: I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question... I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are shoddy. How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies? I thought you said they like honesty. Wally: Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care. 
19960513	Pointy haired boss: The company announced we're being bought by our long-time rival.  Pointy haired boss: Don't worry about layoffs. They like engineers. In fact, they already have a division that does what we do!  Pointy haired boss; Except they're younger and they aren't paid as much as we are...
19960514	Buyer: After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant. Wally: I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company. Buyer: We already have a bald guy. Dilbert: Does yours steal office furniture, too? 
19960515	Dilbert: I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger. Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert. I think I'm advancing to the next stage. Hello, Rigor Mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!! Boss: It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch. 
19960516	Buyer: In the "due diligence" phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information. Boss: Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us competitively? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a cent? Buyers: Must...contain...maniacal...laugh... 
19960517	Caption: "Due diligence" before the merger. Buyer: You must reveal your secrets so my company knows what it's buying. Alice: All of our projects are doomed. Most of the good employees left. Our customers are starting a class action suit... Buyer: At least the building is worth something. Alice: If you feel a tickle, that's asbestos. 
19960518	Dogbert: With all this talk of "diversity" there's no mention of the pain we smart creatures endure while surrounded by dolts. Dilbert: Good point. I don't know how we do it. Dogbert: It looks like I'll have to hold secret meetings. Dilbert: Yeah, our lives are a constant struggle. 
19960519	Caption: Dogbert's Dream Analysis. Employee: I was in a big field full of tofu and carburetors. Dogbert: It means you're a gullible moron. That's $25 please. Carol: Then I was running, running, running against the wind. Dogbert: That means you're ugly. Wally: Then the butterfly turned into an opera singer. Dogbert: That means you're bald. Dilbert: Suddenly I saw a new algorithm for data compression. Dogbert: It means you're boring. Boss: Then I told the car dealer I wanted the anti-rust sealant, the extended warranty and the lease option. What do you think it means? Dogbert: It means I'm going to make some serious money today. 
19960520	Dogbert: It has always been my goal to become supreme ruler of Earth... But lately I've been wondering if you dolts are worthy of my leadership. Dilbert: Do you think maybe your ego is out of control, Dogbert? Dogbert: I like it that way. 
19960521	Boss: Our new policy forbids the use of weapons or any violence in the workplace. Dilbert: Ummm...What was the policy before this? Boss: I'm not sure...Maybe if you had a permit and it was in season. Wally: There goes another company benefit. 
19960522	Nametag: Alice. Boss: Alice, these stacks of papers are a clear violation of my "clean desk" policy. Nametag: Wally. Boss: ...And don't even get me started about the ergonomics of THIS situation. 
19960523	Ratbert: Yesterday I was lying in a sun spot thinking about how you work, work, work but your net worth remains constant. HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Well...I guess you had to be there. 
19960524	Wally: I had a cat once... I petted that thing for two hours but I didn't feel any better. Dilbert: Petting is for the benefit of the cat, not your hand. Wally: They're so selfish. 
19960525	Alice: A TWO PERCENT ANNUAL RAISE?!! WOWEE!! Ha ha! You tried to disappoint me but I compensated by drastically lowering my expectations! Dilbert: Yeah, it MIGHT be a good sign, but I'm thinking not. Alice: Weeee!! 
19960526	Caption: Business Language Explained. "We have to be more competitive." Wally: Nice barrel. Dilbert: This old thing? Caption: Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases. "We must focus on our core business." Boss: Hello. Caption: Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands. "You are empowered." Alice: I proclaim this to be "green ink day." Caption: Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions. "We're reengineering your function." Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on. "Training is essential." Boss: You were a cannibal? Cannibal: I'm a people person. Caption: Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people. "We're market driven." Sign: Research. Researcher: What's your favorite odor? Caption: Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation. "We value employee input." Dilbert: Thanks for listening. Boss: HA HA HA! Caption: Meaning: We think humor is important. 
19960527	Boss: He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make any more. Phil: I AM PHIL, THE PRINCE OF INSUFFICIENT LIGHT! I DARN YOU TO HECK!!! Boss: Phil? Phil: You were always mom's golden boy. Boss: Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon. 
19960528	Phil: Mom wanted me to be a manager like you. But I chose my own path. I became Phil, the ruler of Heck, the punisher of minor sins! Boss: How do you make money? Phil: Corporate sponsorship. "Proctor and Gamble" pays me to stay away from them. Boss: You should sell a line of home-exercise spoons. 
19960529	Television: This is Phil, ruler of Heck, with a special offer for my patented "Exerspoon." Phil: You can do over seven million exercises with the "Exerspoon." It even trims problem areas. Caption: And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze! Customer: Mmm... 
19960530	Co-worker: I need this information today. Plus a complete analysis of the alternatives. (CRINKLE CRINKLE STUFF.) Co-worker: That wasn't nice. Dilbert: In today's lesson, you learn that you're my co-worker, not my boss. 
19960531	Co-worker: Wally, I need your input on this by the end of the day. Wally: Please drop your request here, in "Wally's pile of perpetual ignorage." Co-worker: Can't I just give it to you? Wally: I don't like to touch that stuff with my hands. 
19960601	Boss: When Dilbert comes by, tell him to add "walk the talk" to his presentation. Carol: He wants you to use a "walkie-talkie" to do the presentation. Dilbert: Um...Did he say why? Carol: Hey, look at my paycheck! I just realized I don't get paid the big bucks! 
19960602	Phil: My next victim. I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of Heck!! Dilbert: Hi, Phil. Phil: You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day... Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated. Dilbert: WOW! They're BOTH better than my current job! Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this! Wally: I watch TV when I'm supposed to be telecommuting. Phil: I hate the nineties. Dilbert: Do me first! 
19960603	Brainitor: Halt and submit to the mind scan of "Brainitor, the Guardian of Security." The bag contains one computer..."Pentium" processor...One gig hard drive...Highly fragmented... Please wait while I optimize your hard disk... Dilbert: This is vaguely unsettling. 
19960604	Dogbert: Do you see "time" as a sequence of discrete events or simply a line of perception through infinite possibilities? Dilbert: I see "Time" as more of a magazine. Dogbert: You know these moments we have together -- We really must have them less often. Dilbert: Ask me about "Life." 
19960605	Dilbert: Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company... It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment. You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a "ven-duh" such as you? Wally: Tell me if this hurts. 
19960606	Caption: Tormenting the vendor. Wally: You must do our bidding, vendor. We control your economic future. Dilbert: Of course, our buying decision will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements. Your competitor completed the "vendor challenge course" in 37 seconds. Wally: And he gave us VERY nice T-shirts. 
19960607	Mom: Dilbert, I found your father. He's been at the "all you can eat" restaurant in the mall since 1989. He's so literal -- He didn't want to leave until it was "all he could eat." Dilbert: When's he coming home? Mom: I'm thinking of joining him. He got a booth. 
19960608	Liz: I can't believe your father has been living in the "all you can eat" restaurant since 1989! You have the oddest family. What did he look like when you saw him after all these years? Dilbert: I haven't seen him yet. I'm waiting for "burrito night." Liz: Now is when you should be saying "Just kidding." 
19960609	Dilbert: Where's Dogbert? Uh-oh. Dogbert: Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff? Call the "Dogbert Gullible Friends Hotline" for help. Only four dollars per minute. Customer: Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy. Dogbert: Please hold. Customer: Okay! Dogbert: Call now, and I'll replace your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep! If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line...until you get one. 
19960610	Liz: These are some of the advanced materials I'm designing at work. That jar holds a pyrophoric substance. (FLASH.) Dilbert: Yep, that's a good batch. Liz: A person from a smarter gender might have said "What does 'pyrophoric' mean?" 
19960611	Boss: The Dogbert Consulting Company will help us design a new company logo. Dogbert: Glug glug glug. Boss: When will you start? Dogbert: I just finished. I call it the brown ring of quality. 
19960612	Dogbert: Your new logo might look like a simple coffee stain. But what does the image say about you? Dilbert: We're sloppy and unimaginative? Alice: We give lots of money to consultants and get little in return? Dogbert: Wow. This is almost TOO good. Dilbert: Ooh ooh! How about "Our opinions don't matter"? 
19960613	Wally: Our objectives are unclear and our mission statement is gibberish... But thanks to an artificial sense of urgency, I'm working harder than ever! Boss: What's the good news you said you have? Wally: Apparently I'm insane. But I'm one of the happy kinds! 
19960614	Wally: This company makes perfect sense, now that I'm insane. For example, it might seem as though we're woefully understaffed, but I can compensate by working smarter not harder. Hey, if I'm capable of working smarter, then why do I work HERE? Dilbert: The healing has begun. 
19960615	Willy: Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately. Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals. Dilbert: What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!! Willy: I'd better double it. 
19960616	Boss: Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you. It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity. I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options. Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year. And let's face it: Recreation is important when one has a stressful job. Dilbert: Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn, too. Sheesh! Boss: Mmm... Wally: How'd it go? Dilbert: You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take. 
19960617	Wally: The status of my action item is 50% done. Specifically, I finished the item part but not the action. Boss: Do you have an estimate for when the action will be done? Wally: Yes, and that estimate is 100% complete! 
19960618	Sign: 10 injury free days. (BAM! AAAEEII!! R-R-ROLL. THUD.) Dilbert: This is very ironic. Signposter: No, it was ironic when it happened eleven days ago. 
19960619	Boss: Some idiot stood on a chair and fell off. Now we all have to take twelve hours of chair safety training. Is that a "do" or a "not do"? 
19960620	Boss: Carol, I asked you to enroll me in the quality college, but the confirmation says clown college. Carol: It's a prerequisite course. This is gonna cost me on Secretaries Day. Boss: I hope it's okay to be an angry clown. 
19960621	Dilbert: I was going to get the "Buns of Steel" video but I'm making excellent progress without it. Liz: When they say steel, it refers to hardness, not weight. Dilbert: I KNEW it seemed too easy. Liz: Stay away from large magnets. 
19960622	Wally: The only employee suggestions that get accepted are the ones that are harmless and stupid. I submitted some harmless and stupid ideas to test my theory. Suggestion: Suggestion: Replace all #2 pencils with #4 pencils. The hard lead lasts longer yet costs the same. Boss: That could work. 
19960623	Dilbert: I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok. So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the "Automentor." Asok: Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction? Automentor: Try giving yourself a massage in your cubicle. Asok: Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed? Automentor: That's not a problem at this company; Nobody accomplishes anything. Asok: Should I look for a new job? Automentor: Too late; They don't call this place the "resume stain" for nothing. Asok: How do you handle all the hopelessness? Dilbert: I give it to the new guy. 
19960624	Alice: Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable. Boss: "No matter how stupid my coworkers are, I will not punch a hole in anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." Wally: I hope she gets those objectives approved. Alice: YES! IT'S MEASURABLE! 
19960625	Dilbert: I could sit here doing nothing. Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic coworkers. I crack me up. 
19960626	Boss: What exactly is the Dogbert Day Care concept? Dogbert: Progressive companies can provide day care without spending a bundle. Boss: Wouldn't we spend a fortune on duct tape? Dogbert: It's reusable unless it gets slobbered on. 
19960627	Dogbert: Alice, I need to gather some requirements before designing the company child care facility. Do you mind if your children spend the day sewing garments in a windowless room full of illegal aliens? Alice: I mind. Dogbert: I'll put you down as a maybe. Alice: Would I get a discount on those garments? 
19960628	Dogbert: Here's my final plan for the company's day care facility. I call it Free Range Day Care. The children are allowed to roam free among the cubicles. It's very economical. Boy: I don't believe he's really an evil troll. Girl: Look at the "Powerpoint" slides he's making. It's not human. 
19960629	Boss: The results of the employee satisfaction survey are in. Scores for my department are dismal. I'm assigning you to the satisfaction task force until the problem is solved. Dilbert: Please...Anything but that... Boss: How satisfied are you NOW? 
19960630	Dilbert: I'll call my invention the D-Chip Television Filter. Dogbert: I feel safer already. Dilbert: It screens out any show with violence. Dogbert: There goes the news, sports and dramas. Dilbert: It also gets rid of shows that feature dishonesty or sexual innuendoes. Dogbert: Goodbye comedy and commercials. Dilbert: Let's hook it up. All we're getting is weather reports. Television: A huge tornado ripped through a (beep) sssssssssssss. Dilbert: It works! The evil can't get to us now, Dogbert. Dogbert: Unhook that #!&% thing or I'll rip off your leg and beat you to death with it. 
19960701	Dilbert: Ratbert, my company is hiring for our Quality Assurance group. You'd be perfect. Ratbert: What would I have to do? Dilbert: You would find flaws in our new product, thus making yourself an object of intense hatred and ridicule. Ratbert: But then you'd fix those flaws...And your respect for me would grow into a special bond of friendship, right?! Dilbert: No, then we ship. 
19960702	Ratbert: I'd be perfect for the job in Quality Assurance. Here's my resume. Boss: Are you bothered by the fact that half of your words are spelled wrong? Ratbert: Nope! I'm not even bothered by your anal-retentive behavior. Boss: You're hired. Your bonus will negate 100% of your base salary. Okay? Ratbert: I don't see any problem with that. 
19960703	Ratbert: My Quality Assurance review of your beta product turned up a few bugs, Wally. I've classified the bugs by severity: 1) lethal, 2) boneheaded, 3)vexing. Wally: All I see are lethal and vexing. Where's boneheaded? Ratbert: I'm trying to rent a stadium to hold the printout. 
19960704	Boss: In the short time you've worked in Quality Assurance, you've found a huge number of flaws in our prototype. Ratbert: That's my job! Boss: You're jeopardizing our schedule. The entire project will fail and it's all YOUR fault. Ratbert: Why is it MY fault? Boss: If a tree falls in the forest...and we've already sold the tree...does it have quality? Ratbert: How many angels can dance on your head? 
19960705	Boss: Let's have a little premeeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. Dilbert: Woah! Do you think it's safe to jump right into the premeeting without planning it? Boss: Okay, let's get this preliminary premeeting meeting going. Wally: You think you're funny, but you're not. 
19960706	Willy: I couldn't help noticing the bugs in the program on this old diskette you threw away. I fixed the bugs and tightened the code from twelve thousand lines to sixteen. Dilbert: It took me three months to write that program. Willy: I took the liberty of updating your resume. I'm guessing you'll need it soon. 
19960707	Boss: I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon. But this morning I'm helping my daughter sell Cub Girl cookies. For your shopping convenience, I have assigned a name to each volume level. Dilbert: Zero to four boxes is the "downsizer" volume... Five to eight boxes is the "low performer" level... Let's say six hundred boxes. Boss: Ahh...the "fast tracker." An excellent choice. Dilbert: What's your daughter's name. Boss: Ooh...Gotta go. Wally: I only bought twelve boxes. Now I'm the "United Way" chairperson. Dilbert: I just signed your name for six hundred more. 
19960708	Dogbert: Someday when I become the supreme ruler of Earth Dogbert: I'll order everybody to go outside once a day and run around with their mouths open. Dilbert: Because you support fresh air and exercise? Dogbert: Because I hate flies.
19960709	Ted: Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand! Dilbert: That was a MOCK-UP! We don't make that product yet. It would take three years to make one. Ted: Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The first one was terrific! Dilbert: The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo. 
19960710	Dilbert: I'll need your full management support in this meeting with sales. Boss: Just watch the master at work. Ted: I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week. Boss: Is Thursday okay? Wait until he finds out that Thursday isn't "early next week." Hee hee! 
19960711	Boss: I'm assigning each of you to a separate "quality" initiative. Wally: Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lower our morale and have no impact on our profitability? Boss: And we'll have a contest to come up with a name for the overall initiative. Wally: How about "Qualicide"? 
19960712	Carol: He's in with the other managers in an employee rating and ranking session. Your salary depends on how well your boss can defend your proposed raise to the other managers. Dilbert: SOB. Manager: I'm fairly sure this Dilbert guy works for you. Boss: Doesn't ring a bell. 
19960713	Caption: Catbert, the evil director of Human Resources. Catbert: Wally, it's time for your mandatory blood test. Wally: I don't take drugs. Catbert: I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company. Wally: Time? How can you test for that? Catbert: We test your general health. If it's good, you're not working enough hours. You thief. 
19960714	Boss: According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls. That's like stealing from the company, Alice. Alice: Must...control...fist...of...death... I spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late. Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought I'm about to have on company time. And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me. Boss: That's not stealing; that's being competitive. Alice: I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today. 
19960715	Caption: Catbert, the evil director of Human Resources. Catbert: According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally. Wally: It was temporary. I don't know what got into me... Catbert: Please refer to page one of the employee manual. Wally: "Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company." Catbert: I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain. 
19960716	Dilbert: In the year that we've dated, Liz, you've often mentioned various problems in your life. I have compiled those problems into a list of requirements and developed a comprehensive set of solutions. Liz: How thoughtful. I didn't even know I was broken. Dilbert: No, no, not broken...Just a bit buggy. 
19960717	Liz: Um...When I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all of my problems. Dilbert: Why else would you tell me all of your problems...Unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense. You were right. It was all a demented plot. Dogbert: I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance. 
19960718	Boss: Our new "recognition program" assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance. The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level. Wally: Are you sure talc is a precious gem? Dilbert: I just saw it sparkle. 
19960719	Dilbert: As you can see from my ring, I'm a member of the "Talc Club" at work. With hard work and a bit of luck I will rise to the next level: shale. Dogbert: I can honestly say my respect for you has never been higher. Dilbert: Someday, God willing, I'll make to aluminum. 
19960720	Boss: It's time for me to update your objectives, Alice. We need targets that can only be achieved by amazingly hard work plus the constant support of management. I'm busy, so you'll have to write them yourself. Alice: What's wrong with this picture? 
19960721	Dilbert: Dogbert, do you think love is the strongest force in the universe? Dogbert: No, I'd have to go with stupidity. Followed closely by its cousin ignorance. Morning breath is number three. Thanks for reminding me. Then you've got selfishness, lust, fear, money and luck. Dilbert: But love is in the top ten, right? Dogbert: It's fourteenth, right after foolish optimism. Dilbert: Someone needs his little round back scratched. Dogbert: Do not. Dilbert: Where's love now? Dogbert: It's down and to the left...LEFT!! LEFT!! LEFT!! Oowahh... 
19960722	Dilbert: Now that job security is a thing of the past, I've noticed that my company loyalty has vanished, too. And when you made my bonus primarily dependent on the blunders of senior management, my motivation fluttered away like a lonely sparrow. Boss: So your point is? Dilbert: No point. I just didn't have any reason to be working. 
19960723	Ratbert: I may be an ignorant rat, but that's okay because ignorance is...um...um... Dilbert: BLISS...Ignorance is BLISS. Ratbert: Oh, great. Now it's gone. Dilbert: Oops. 
19960724	Alice: I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions... But I give you credit. You've let me work independently for three months...What's that look on your face? Please tell me that it was empowerment I was experiencing. Boss: Did I ever mention that your project was canceled. 
19960725	Dilbert: It looks like we'll release our new product on time, despite its many defects. We've minimized the economic impact of the defects via an advanced business process called "hoping nobody notices." And we've doubled our projected income by modifying our assumptions! Wally: A lot of this job is mental. 
19960726	Dogbert: Here in the "Dogbert Institute for Advanced Thinking," I have devised a plan for ending poverty. My plan is to wait until there are so many talk shows on television that all the people with wretched lives can be paid guests. Dilbert: What about the poor people who don't want to be on talk shows? Dogbert: We'll get the stragglers on "Cops." 
19960727	Dogbert: From now on, I will not try to reason with the idiots I encounter. I will dismiss them by waving my paw and saying "bah." Dilbert: Just because someone thinks differently from you doesn't mean he's an idiot, Dogbert. Dogbert: Bah. 
19960728	Caption: The budget trap. Boss: I need a quick estimate for how much your next project will cost, Wally. Wally: How should I know? You haven't even told me what my next project is. Boss: That's okay. I only need a rough estimate for planning purposes. Wally: I see where this is going. You're going to turn my wild guess into a budget. Later I'll be blamed when it's wrong. Boss: No, no. I won't hold you to these numbers. Wally: Well...Okay, let's say two million dollars. Boss: Ooh...Can't afford that. I'll put you down for twenty thousand dollars. Caption: One year later... Boss: You're way over budget. Can you show me the cause? Wally: It depends. Can mirrors reflect your image? 
19960729	Dogbert: Larry, I'm here to announce my candidacy for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Larry: That's funny! Tell us about your next movie, Sharon. Dogbert: I'm not Sharon Stone. I said that to get on the show. Larry: So...When I embraced you before the show... Dogbert: I think we're both glad I have no visible mouth. 
19960730	Dogbert: Vote for me and I will reform the tax code so that only idiots have to pay taxes! Crowd: YAHOO!! DOGBERT. DOGBERT. DOGBERT. Dogbert: I hope nobody asks me to define "idiots." Dilbert: ...So, under your plan I wouldn't pay ANY taxes, right? 
19960731	Briber: I'm from the association for products that are bad for you. Here's a generous contribution to your campaign. Dogbert: This is so cool! I'll use your money to get elected, then I'll put your entire industry in prison to cover my tracks! Briber: This probably wrecks my chances of being named Briber of the Month. 
19960801	Dogbert: The votes are in. I've been elected to the position of Supreme Ruler of Earth. I won in a landslide, thanks to low voter turnout and the fact that I voted for myself many times. Dilbert: I hope you'll be a benevolent ruler. Dogbert: I think I'll make caning an Olympic event. 
19960802	Dogbert: My dominion over the planet is not widely recognized by the dolts who are breathing my air. So I've declared total sovereignty over a small, ever-widening zone surrounding my body. Dilbert: How big is the zone? Dogbert: You have just entered Dogbertland. Please show your passport and leave the oxygen alone! 
19960803	Boss: If we are to succeed, you must become change masters in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment. Wally: Let me get this straight...Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after inflation... And the problem is OUR lack of flexibility? Boss: Not entirely. There's also your bad morale. 
19960804	Boss: Carol, from now on I'd like you to type up all of my incoming voice mail so I can read it. And print out all of my e-mail every day so I don't have to log onto the network. And get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. Ooh, no cash. I'll pay you back. Carol: Do you want me to prechew the sandwich or can you handle that on your own? Listen up, you overpaid engineers... By order of the reclusive boss, the new dress code for engineers is bumblebee costumes. If you don't believe me, send him voice mail and ask him yourself. Oh, and he wants you to buy him a sandwich. Boss: Still no messages this week? Is everybody out sick? Carol: I heard they have hives. 
19960805	Tina: "Tom, you delicious hunk of burning love; If you were in my cubicle now I'd..." It looks as if I'm working. Nobody can tell that I'm sending steamy e-mail to my new boyfriend. Dilbert: Tina, two things: Watch out for the "send to all" address, and thank you very much. 
19960806	Tina: I accidentally sent my torrid love letter to every person on our e-mail system. Should I hide forever or can I count on the professionalism of my co-workers? Wally: We'll complete our "career day" tour with an exhibit that I call "Tina, the red-faced monkey of love." Student: It's hiding. 
19960807	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: It has come to my attention that you used company resources to send e-mail to your boyfriend. I'm willing to overlook this ugly incident in exchange for five minutes of quality petting on my soft, furry belly. Tina: This seems so wrong. Catbert: Try using both hands. 
19960808	Boss: It's time to do performance reviews! Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. You best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you! Wally: I plan to say very nice things about YOU. Dilbert: Nice try, weasel-boy. Boss: Managing is easy when you hate the employees. 
19960809	Dilbert: Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous "prisoner's dilemma." If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can BOTH get a small raise. Alice: Wally, if you rat him out, I'll let you look at my "Victoria's Secret" catalog. Dilbert: This is exactly why there are no coed prisons. 
19960810	Boss: You employees are the key to our economic success. Anytime we need a little stock-price boost, we just fire another batch of you. It's like printing money! In fact, incompetence" has become our most profitable product. Alice: Wow. It beat out "lying to customers." 
19960811	Boss: This voice-mail message is for the whole department. Every morning from now on you'll get my "quality thought of the day." Today's thought is...um... Let's see...According to Webster's dictionary... Aardvark is a burrowing African mammal that eats ants. What is we were more like that? I mean like the aardvark, not the ants... That's weird. Every time I leave my quality thought of the day, the shared printer starts spewing resumes. 
19960812	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Hey, Wally...Big layoffs coming. I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret. Sadly, cats don't keep secrets very well. Co-worker: Nice chair. 
19960813	Boss: We don't do "layoffs" at this company. But you HAVE been selected to participate in our mobility pool! As the name implies, you get to scurry around trying to find a nonexistent internal job before the ax falls. Wally: How's this different from a layoff? Boss: With layoffs you get to keep your dignity. 
19960814	Co-worker1: I hear you're on the layoff list, Wally. Has anyone claimed your chair, yet? Co-worker2: I claimed it a few minutes ago. Co-worker1: LIAR! Co-workers: OW! * POW!! Wally: I guess it's true what they say about layoffs being hard on the survivors. 
19960815	Caption: Dogbert: career counselor. Wally: I was fired once, but I came back as a contract employee. Later I was rehired at a higher salary. Now I'm being downsized again. Do you think they'll be dumb enough to hire me a third time? Dogbert: Your story reminds me of the parable of the ant and the spider. Wally: Really? How? Dogbert: They're both boring. 
19960816	Caption: Dogbert: career counselor. Dogbert: The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first. Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable. Wally: We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture on video the exact moment that your life leaves your body. 
19960817	Boss: Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing. Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left. Is it just me...or is the quality of "good news" really going downhill lately? Dilbert: I'd have to say you're both going downhill. 
19960818	Dogbert: People are getting stupider every day, relatively speaking. The complexity of the world is increasing geometrically. But your ability to learn is at the same slow trickle it has always been. Information is gushing toward your brain like a firehose aimed at a teacup. You're at a crossroads in history. Even the smartest among you has become "functionally stupid." Your only hope is to choose a leader whose vision can penetrate the thick fog of human incompetence. DOGBERT FOR SUPREME RULER OF EARTH!! Dilbert: Do you want my opinion? Dogbert: What are the odds of that? 
19960819	Alice: I've hit the glass ceiling. I'll never be promoted again. Wally: That's because you're not willing to "play the game." You have to look and act like the person who can promote you. Boss: Ooo-la la! Alice: This had better work. 
19960820	Asok: My idea is that everyone should be required to use small fonts. That way we'll save disk space. And I've noticed that many people use entire colons in situations where a semicolon would do just fine. You're right. That was fun. Dilbert: The real fun is when he describes his new ideas at the next staff meeting. 
19960821	Dilbert: I invented a new data encryption program called P.H.B. which stands for pointy-haired boss. It converts e-mail into manager babble. Nobody can intercept and decode my private messages without the key. Dogbert: Who would want to read YOUR messages? Dilbert: Somebody MIGHT want to read my messages. It could happen! Dogbert: And maybe you should carry pepper spray in case supermodels try to kiss you. 
19960822	Asok: I am only a lowly intern, but I see an obvious solution to your problem. Just click here...Clear your buffers and initialize the link...Now use this code patch for the memory leak. This is funny if you consider that your salary is twice as much as mine. Wally: I'm laughing on the inside. 
19960823	Caption: Asok the intern. Asok: I came in over the weekend and looked at the design you've been working with all year. It turns out that you could have built the unit at half the cost with just one minor change. Is it true I can win awards for this sort of thing? Alice: Fetch the internapult. 
19960824	Dogbert: I'm going to use bad grammar more often. My leadership will change the language through the principle of common usage. And I won't stop until the entire language is reduced to grunting and pointing! BUWAHAHAHA!! Dilbert: I really got ripped off by that dog obedience school. 
19960825	Boss: Our senior vice president will be dropping in today. Remember to increase your lies accordingly. And decrease the details you provide. If you think you're being too informative, I'll signal by fidgeting. Just say everything is fine, but we need more funding. Here he comes. Senior VP: Sorry I'm late. How is everyone? Wally: I'm not saying. Dilbert: I'm fine, but I need more funding. Alice: I have a wide variety of super powers. Senior VP: I feel a sudden, urgent need to unload my stock options. Boss: Fidget. Fidget. 
19960826	Caption: Catbert the H.R. director. Catbert: Morale is low because the employees are underpaid. You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback. The hardest part is keeping a straight face. Boss: Tell me again why I'd want morale to be high. 
19960827	Boss: Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale. Alice: Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism! Boss: I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four times a year. Alice: I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan. 
19960828	Dilbert: At first I thought you committed me to an impossible deadline. But I have a theoretical solution. It involves flying around the Earth so fast that I travel back to the past. Boss: And then you'll have enough time? Dilbert: No, then I'll give your parents this pamphlet on contraception. 
19960829	Dilbert: ...So the salesperson made an idiotic promise to our customer. Now it's MY job to fix it. Dogbert: The brain is an amazing thing. Dilbert: Are you saying that if I use the untapped power of my brain, there's a solution? Dogbert: No, I'm saying my amazing brain filtered out your boring story so I could enjoy my walk. 
19960830	Ratbert: I've become one of those people who misinterprets everything you say. Dilbert: Why? Ratbert: Why? Are you saying that nothing should ever change? Maybe you shouldn't be so rigid. Dilbert: This could be very annoying. Ratbert: Maybe you should see a therapist for your emotional problem. 
19960831	Dogbert: I hear you're becoming an annoying person who misinterprets everything. Ratbert: Yes, I'm more assertive. Dogbert: I said annoying, not assertive. Ratbert: Apology accepted. Dogbert: Whatever you do, don't climb in this clothes dryer. Ratbert: Yeah, it does look cozy in there. 
19960901	Instructor: In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision. At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created by functionally illiterate executives. But after we do some mind-numbing group exercises... ...You'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security. We'll begin by writing down all the things that "ethical behavior" means to you. Alice: I've got a better idea: If you let us leave now, we'll give you high marks on the class evaluation. Board: Ethical behavior. Wally: Good job. You touched me. Instructor: You wish. 
19960902	Pointy haired boss: Why do you want a job as our network administrator, mister dogber? dogbert: I don't like people. This is a good opportunity to annoy idiots such as yourself for my own entertainment. Pointy haired boss: Wow. You're prefect. Can you start tomorrow? dogbert: Sure, as far as you know. I'll give you my pager number.
19960903	Dogbert: I got hired as the network administrator for your company. Here's my card. You can only reach me by e-mail or by pager. When the network breaks, no e-mail. I'll just sit around and wag my tail. Dilbert: Your pager number has a tilde...How do I dial a tilde? 
19960904	Caption: Network administrator. Dogbert: I have total access to every employee's e-mail messages. With a few strategic edits I will transform the office into "Melrose Place." Wally: Yes, Alice...I WILL be your "monkey of love." 
19960905	Caption: Network administrator. Asok: I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance. Dogbert: I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm busy upgrading the network! Asok: You could have given me a new password in the time it took to belittle me. Dogbert: Yes, but which option would give me job satisfaction? 
19960906	Dogbert: As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. Employees: AAGH!!! WAAA!!! AEEE!! EEK!! MY WORK!! Dogbert: It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws. 
19960907	Caption: The network administrator. Boss: Can you program the routers to block employees from all fun web sites? Dogbert: Why stop there? I can program the routers to block ALL useless activities. Boss: How long will that take? (Poink.) Dogbert: Done. I've seen your business plan. 
19960908	Boss: Tina, we need a few minor edits on our product brochure. Tina: Minor? Uh-oh... Boss: We've discovered that our product causes hallucinations and sterility. See if you can put a positive spin on that. Tina: This will be my greatest writing challenge yet. "Are you tired of the same old sights? We've got you covered." "Makes a great gift for those people who -- in your opinion -- should not reproduce." Ooh...I feel a tiny pang of conscience. That's one. Dilbert: So the brochure was only a three-pager? Tina: Yeah, and I think I faked the third one. 
19960909	Boss: I've hired the "Dogbert Touchy-Feely Institute" to teach us about teamwork. Dogbert: We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank checks and give them to me. Dilbert: What will that teach us about trust? Dogbert: It will teach you that trust is an excellent quality for other people to have. 
19960910	Caption: Teambuilding exercise. Dogbert: This exercise will build trust. The partner in front will fall. The partner behind will break the fall. Okay, maybe trust isn't your biggest problem here. Boss: %*$!!# 
19960911	Caption: Teambuilding exercise. Dogbert: This next exercise will challenge your ability to solve problems as a team. Build a working sundial using only a pencil and a donut. Caption: Four hours later... Boss: One more bite isn't going to make any difference. Dilbert: SOB. 
19960912	Caption: Teambuilding exercise. Alice: It's hopeless! You're losers! We'll never make a sundial out of a pencil and an eaten donut! Willy: Hee hee! All you had to do was stick the pencil in the donut. Dilbert: We just broke all kinds of union rules. Wally: But hey! Look at the shadow from the pencil! 
19960913	Boss: The company announced that we will "abandon our strategy of making good products..." From now on we'll "pursue a desperate strategy of mergers, business spin-offs, fruitless partnerships and random reorganizations." "And we'll accelerate our program of paying the good employees to leave." Dilbert: Stock price? Wally: Up three points. 
19960914	Boss: In today's news, our company has decided to buy another dying company in a business we don't fully understand. Our stock rose five points on the announcement. Wally: Why does our stock go up every time we do something boneheaded? Dilbert: I like to think of it as our competitive advantage. 
19960915	Boss: Mr. Catbert, our evil director of Human Resources, will describe our new cubicle plan. Catbert: Last year we reduced the size of cubicles in the densification project. We didn't save much money, but we did lower morale. This year we'll build on that success... With the patented "head cubicle." Hold still, Wally. And the head cubicle can be recycled after you're downsized! Alice: We really need to draw the line at some point. Dilbert: While we still have our dignity. 
19960916	Dilbert: On weekends I'll feel my pager vibrate...but when I go to check it, I realize I'm not wearing it. Doctor: It's a classic case of phantom-pager syndrome. It's common among technology workers. There's no treatment for it. Dilbert: I don't want to treat it. I want to relocate it. 
19960917	Dogbert: When the year 2000 comes, your computers will think it's the year "00" and cause major problems. The Dogbert consulting company can fix the problem for only ten million dollars. Our work is guaranteed for one full year, starting today. Boss: But why would I care? The year "00" is before I was born. Dogbert: Amazing...You'd actually have to be SMARTER to do something STUPID. 
19960918	Dogbert: Ratbert, your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems. You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem when the year is 2000. Ratbert: Gotcha. Caption: Six months later. Ratbert: I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones! Dogbert: Oops. 
19960919	Dogbert: Here's my invoice for fixing your "year 2000" computer problems. Boss: AAAEE!!! Dilbert: ...So his head spun, but it DIDN'T explode? Dogbert: Yeah, I guess I left some money on the table. 
19960920	Caption: Tina the technical writer. Monitor: To insert a column, click the column insert menu. (Click. Click.) But let's be honest, userboy, if you need to be told THAT, you're too stupid to use this product. Tina: Have you reviewed the draft yet? Dilbert: I'm up to the chapter titled "Duh." 
19960921	Dilbert: I've got an idea. Let's add a battery backup to our product. One...Two...Three... Boss: I've got an idea. Why don't we add a battery backup to our product? Dilbert: Because our product doesn't use electricity. 
19960922	Engineer: It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail. I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or because I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is. I'll leave that question to the philosophers. HI. THANKS FOR THE INFORMATION. TALK TO YOU LATER!!! DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST? Dilbert: Dogbert, send Bob the dinosaur quickly! Monitor: E-mail sent. Bob: I'm here to deliver a wedgie. Security: Use the service elevator. Sign: Sign in. (Yank!) Engineer: AAEEE!! Dilbert: What's the best part -- the look on their faces or the way they yell? Bob: I'll leave that question to the philosophers. 
19960923	Boss: I don't know how to fix any of the problems in this company. Maybe I'll just sit here quietly. No, that wouldn't look managerly...I'll have to do something idiotic and hope it looks like leadership. We're going to have an "iron man" team-building competition. Dilbert: What a bunch of leadership... 
19960924	Dilbert: The boss is making the engineers compete in an "iron man" event. It's supposed to improve teamwork. I'm glad I take the stairs sometimes instead of using the elevator. I'm in pretty good shape. Dogbert: Yes, you are, to the extent potato is a pretty good shape. Dilbert: I just wrenched a muscle. 
19960925	Boss: The first leg of the "iron man" team-building exercise is a ten-mile swim, I think. I won't be participating because my teamwork skills are already excellent. Two phrases you don't expect to hear in the same day are "iron man" and "doggie paddle." Engineers: Hey! No splashing! 
19960926	Caption: The team-building exercise. Dilbert: Uh-oh...I'm a mile from shore and too exhausted to swim back. My only hope is that an intelligent dolphin will see my plight and rescue me. I'm in luck! Dolphin: Two words: tuna...net. 
19960927	Dolphin: Some dolphins in my position would help you get to shore safely. Others might try to distract you while an accomplice played a cruel joke. Dilbert: COME BACK HERE WITH MY TRUNKS!!! Dolphin: Let's ask the humming fish to do the "Jaws" theme song. 
19960928	Dilbert: ...There I was, naked and exhausted, miles from shore. Dolphins taunted me for hours. Suddenly a deep sea sport fishing boat happened by. I grabbed the line and held on for life. Dogbert: Wow! That's lucky. Dilbert: That's what I thought...until the second time they threw me back in. Dogbert: I meant lucky for them. 
19960929	Dilbert: Groan. Sign: Accounting. Dilbert: I saved $500 in airfare by extending my business trip to Saturday. Why won't you reimburse me for the Saturday hotel costs? Troll: Saturday was not a business-related activity. Dilbert: Hmm...Let me see if I understand this... It's NOT business-related to make sensible economic choices... But it IS business-related to waste money like an ugly, brain-dead troll... Then he beat me up and took my lunch money. Dogbert: Are you saying I can get free lunch money by beating you up? 
19960930	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Alice: I need to hire a programmer for my project team. Catbert: Our policy is to first seek candidates from within the company. If none is qualified, you must use a sock puppet. Alice: How many of your policies are designed for the sole purpose of satisfying your sadistic tendencies? Catbert: All of them. Some are just more obvious. 
19961001	Boss: We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do. I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive. Wally: I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures. Dilbert: No fair. You did unethical last time too! 
19961002	Dilbert: Carol, I need to document your procedure for ordering office supplies. It's an ISO 9000 requirement. Carol: If someone asks for something, I check the supply cabinet first. Then I say, "There's only one left. You can't have it because then we'd be all out." Then I spend the rest of the day complaining about the person who asked. Dilbert: Uh-oh...I'm out of ink. 
19961003	Dilbert: I need to document your job processes to satisfy our ISO 9000 requirements. Manager: Okay. I try to anticipate the shifting political winds. Then I wrap myself in the relevant buzzwords and try to achieve importance without adding value. Dilbert: What's your job title? Manager: Director of ISO 9000 Quality Process Design. 
19961004	Customer: Your product looks good, but you can't be our supplier unless your company is ISO 9000 certified. Boss: So...You don't care how bad our internal processes are, as long as they're well-documented and used consistently? Customer: That's right. Boss: Our documented process says I must now laugh in your face and double our price. 
19961005	Ratbert: You know what's funny? I'll tell you. You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years we'll both be dead. Dilbert: You might not need to wait that long. Ratbert: I think I'll spread some joy over this way. 
19961006	Boss: Nobody has nominated a co-worker for a special achievement award. Someone in this group must have done SOMETHING good this year. Wally: No...I don't think so. Dilbert: We'd remember something like that. Boss: This looks bad. All the other departments are giving themselves awards. We might have to lower our standards a bit. Alice: I've been proactive in that area. Boss: Why are we standing in the hallway? Wally: We think the room is locked. Dilbert: We don't have the key. Caption: Later that month. Boss: This award goes to Alice for boldly trying the door knob. Alice: When I find out who nominated me... 
19961007	Boss: You'll head our technology alliance with a small Silicon Valley start-up. Their corporate culture is a bit different from ours. Try to be flexible. Dilbert: I've never seen a pierced brain before. Nerd: I think I'll call you "Mister Conservative." 
19961008	Caption: Strategic alliance. Dilbert: These are the procedures my company uses to approve projects. I guess a small company such as yours is used to flying by the seat of the pants. Nerd: Not necessarily. Dilbert: You mean you're flexible? Nerd: I mean I'm not wearing pants. 
19961009	Nerd: Our strategic alliance is working well. My company provides amazing technical skill and your company... ...Has a seemingly endless supply of three-ring binders. Dilbert: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Punker: Is it true that if your name is written in a binder you lose your soul? 
19961010	Dilbert: Issue one: Our two companies have very different corporate cultures. Slide: Strategic alliance issues. Nerd: While you were droning I slammed out some beta code and put it on the Internet for comments. Dilbert: My company prefers to have that kind of decision made by uninformed executives. We call it "empowerment." Nerd: I'll mention that in the press release. 
19961011	Dilbert: The status of our strategic alliance is "doomed." Slide: Doomed. Dilbert: Our ponderous and inefficient management style caused their best people to quit and create a competing company. Boss: We must find a way to destroy that new company. Dilbert: I'll see if they're interested in a strategic alliance. 
19961012	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Catbert: When I'm in a bad mood, I like to think of ways to humiliate the employees. Hmm...How about an employee recognition program with a thoroughly worthless award. Purrr. Purrr. Purrr. Boss: It's pocket lint from a vice president's trousers. He was wearing them on the day he left for a better job. 
19961013	Boss: Alice, your performance this year is "meets expectations." You get a two percent raise. Alice: MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week! Boss: Yeah...well, I expected that. Alice: I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!! Boss: Really? Wow. I mean...I expected that too. Alice: I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! TWICE!!! Boss: I noted that under "attendance problem." Dilbert: I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you. Wally: I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing. 
19961014	Boss: Alice, I'm putting you in charge of developing our booth for the big trade show. I picked you because the males in the department have disqualified themselves through a process of strategic incompetence. Alice: What is strategic incompetence? Dilbert: I had it written down someplace, but I lost it. 
19961015	Dogbert: If you plan to have a booth at the trade show, you need the "Dogbert Trade-Show Consulting Company" to design it. I recommend the deluxe booth. It's guaranteed to generate the most revenue. Alice: How would the deluxe booth generate more revenue for my company? Dogbert: Oh, suddenly this is about YOUR company? 
19961016	Dogbert: Your booth at the trade show must be attention-grabbing. You have several options. 1. Magic tricks. 2. Special effects. 3. Raffles. 4. Booth babes. For the best result, combine all four: Create the illusion that you're raffling off the booth babes. Alice: Booth babes? 
19961017	Alice: Our consultant suggested putting attractive women at the trade show. I rejected that idea. It is sexist and demeaning. I have a better idea to increase traffic to our booth. Dilbert: What's the dental floss for? Alice: It's your thong bikini. You'll stand in front of our competitor's booth. 
19961018	Caption: At the trade show. Wally: What kind of free stuff do you have? Cheap pens? That's original. Okay, fill 'er up. But I'm afraid I can't give you any eye contact. That's enough industry research for today. It's time to hit the buffet. 
19961019	Caption: At the trade show. Customer: What can you tell me about your products? Alice: Our products are defective, much like yourself. I probably shouldn't have stayed up all night setting up the booth. Customer: What are you doing later? 
19961020	Wally: My project is right on plan. It began last week as a bad idea from somebody in senior management. Thanks to my leadership, it is already an object of widespread mockery and derision. As I speak, our lawyers are purging every last trace of value it might have had. With luck, the project will be a gigantic failure in a month. People will forget my failure and remember that I'm experienced. Promotions will follow. YES!! In six months I'll be dating an executive secretary named Yvonne. Dilbert: Good plan. Boss: Wally, have you ever read our mission statement? Wally: Yeah, but I don't subscribe to a literal interpretation. 
19961021	Monitor: On the surface, you seem to make some good points about technology... (Click. Click. Click.) But your e-mail address reveals your newbie identity. You're probably a goat herder or a cartoonist. (Click. Click. Click.) Dogbert: How does it feel to be an elitist technology bigot? Dilbert: I prefer to think of myself as a technology "have." 
19961022	Client: Thanks for the meeting. Here's my card. Dilbert: You call that an e-mail address? It's eighty characters long and mostly meaningless. Caption: People with embarrassing e-mail systems... Attendee: I tell people, "The reply function doesn't work. You have to type in my address." Client: Loser. 
19961023	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert thinks: I feel like committing random acts of catness. Woman in pink suit approaching... activate purring and shedding. Purr purr purr Dilbert says to Alice: So, Alice, how long does it take to curl and style a suit like that?  Wally says to Alice: Do you dry-clean it or just give it a perm? 
19961024	Dilbert: The cubicle warrior prepares for battle. Fighting, fighting against the overwhelming boredom! When my grandchildren ask me what I did for a living, I'm going to lie. Dogbert: I usually tell people you're a hobo. 
19961025	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Wally, you've been too busy to get the required forty hours of training this year. So I hired a contract employee to help you out. Wally: When does he start? Catbert: Yesterday. He already finished eight hours of your training. 
19961026	Boss: I'm a manager, so I don't do any actual work... And all the decisions are made above me. Carol, tell me again what I produce. Carbon dioxide. Our plants would need that if they weren't plastic. 
19961027	Boss: Alice, I'd like you to meet the newest member of my management team. Keith is highly qualified. He has a masters in business administration. Alice: Very impressive. They must have taught you a lot about motivating employees. Keith: No. Not really. Alice: Well...You probably learned how to identify and hire good people, right? Keith: That might have been optional reading. Alice: Did you learn negotiation skills? Keith: No. Alice: Strategic thinking? Keith: No. Alice: Business writing? Keith: No. It was mostly finance and accounting. And economics. Alice: So, you're a highly qualified leader because...you're good at math? Keith: What should I do here? Boss: In these situations I like to use swearing. 
19961028	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Hey, Wally, is there anything you still like about working here? Wally: Um...I like making popcorn in the microwave and eating it while I pretend to work. Your body language tells me that something evil is going to happen to my popcorn privileges. Catbert: I love my job. 
19961029	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: To: all employees. The smell of popcorn in the office is unprofessional... Alice: He's banning popcorn! First it was tobacco, then perfume, now this...There's only one pollutant left. Catbert: ...This brings me to the unpleasant subject of Wally... 
19961030	Boss: This award goes to Tim for his incredible accomplishment. After two years of stonewalling progress, Tim finally agreed to do the work for which he was hired. We look forward to working with Tim in the coming year. Tim: As if I'd have time for that. 
19961031	Boss: This next award goes to Kim for her exceptional work. Kim worked evenings and weekends to fix the problems that were caused by her own incompetence. And it looks like Kim has a full plate for the coming year, too. Kim: Which side faces the wall. 
19961101	(Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip.) Alice: Oh, no...It's the maddening sound of Wally clipping his nails. The sound makes me crazy, but I can't complain because it would sound silly. Must...wait... (Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip. Clip.) Dilbert: You made your own screen saver? Wally: It's called "Wally's 101 Annoying Cubicle Sounds." Monitor: Slurp! Mmm... 
19961102	Alice: What are you doing in the marketing department? Dilbert: It's an experiment. I sneak down here once a week and move this guy's cubicle wall in by a quarter-inch. Alice: What's this experiment going to prove? Dilbert: I forget. It's been a long time. 
19961103	Dilbert: Mmm...Soon you will be mine, little chocolate bar. Woman: I think I have exact change. Dilbert: I can smell it through the wrapper. Woman: Here's a nickel. Dilbert: I rub it on my arm to get the total body experience. Woman: No, that's a breath mint. Dilbert: I am transported to another dimension. Woman: Ooh, a roll of pennies...No, lipstick. I'll give you a check. Where's that checkbook? (Snatch.) (Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.) Dilbert: What a funny day to forget my wallet. 
19961104	Dogbert: The Dogbert consulting company will add credibility to your own selfish and idiotic opinions. For example, your current budget should be...um... Boss: Doubled. Dogbert: Doubled. It should be doubled. Boss: Hey, what's that tingle I feel all over my body?!! Dogbert: Credibility. If you want another hit, it'll cost you. 
19961105	Boss: I hired the Dogbert consulting company to add credibility to my decisions. Dogbert: As my analysis shows, it's much better to give your money to me than to waste it on future downsizees such as yourselves. Wally: What analysis? This is a page ripped out of the magazine in our lobby. Dogbert: Perhaps you should upgrade to my deluxe service. 
19961106	Liz: I've decided to date other men. Dilbert: Nooo!!! Don't break up with me! Liz: I'm not. I just want to date other men at the same time. Dilbert: I am NOT happy right now. Liz: That's exactly why I need a spare.
19961107	Dilbert: Liz started dating other men. Two can play at that game. Dilbert: I will use the power of the internet to find a hot babe. Dilbert: Ah! Here's one. Dogbert: She wants your credit card number. Dilbert: Ooh! She's inquisitive. I like that.
19961108	Dogbert: Men who understand technology are the new sex symbols. Your online personals ad should emphasize your technical prowess. Dilbert: How about "Looking for woman who likes moonlit walks so I'll have more time alone with my computer"? Dilbert: And "Must like to Dance." That's so I won't get a flabby, uncoordinated applicant. Dogbert: Don't call them "applicants" on the first date.
19961109	Dilbert: You have to move slowly with these online relationships. I'll ask her what she likes to do for fun.  YIPE!  Dilbert: You'd think that a woman named Madame Cruella would compensate by being extra nice.
19961110	Dilbert: I've been offered a promotion in another department. Caption: Fantasy. Dilbert: I'm outta here, you worthless piece of snail crud!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Caption: Reality. Dilbert: I meekly request to be released from my current assignment. Caption: Fantasy. Boss: I would never stand in your way. Congratulation! Caption: Reality. Boss: I can't release you. You're too valuable. Caption: Fantasy. Dilbert: If I'm so valuable, explain my last raise!!! Caption: Reality. Boss: In fact, I have ANOTHER valuable assignment for you. Dilbert: (Stunned silence.) I'm doing a survey to find out why morale is so low. Wally: I think it's your breath. 
19961111	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  Catbert: There are two ways to get an extra engineer for your project. Catbert: You can transfer some unqualified loser from within the company... Dilbert: Or? Catbert: Not so fast. I like to savor the moment before I crush your misplaced optimism.
19961112	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  Catbert: Here are the resumes of highly qualified applicants for your opening. ZIP Catbert: It's too bad we don't pay enough to hire qualified applicants. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Alice: Let's see... We've got resumes in pencil... Crayon... Pencil... Eyeliner... Dilbert: Hey! Dot matrix!
19961113	Dilbert: We like to ask our applicants some questions that will allow us to see how you think. Dilbert: If you have a five-gallon bucket and a fifty-gallon bucket, how can you tell which one holds more water? Dilbert: When I said, "see how you think," what I meant was... Applicant: Ow! Ow! Ow!
19961114	Dilbert: Your résumé looks good, but we could only pay half of what you're making now. Are you interested? Applicant: So...You're looking for a brilliant engineer who is actively seeking a pay cut? Dilbert: Well, you have to consider the many intangibles. Applicant: Such as my savings account if I worked here?
19961115	Dilbert: If you were hired, what would be your long-range career goal? Applicant: I'd have your job in six months. In a year you'd be working for me, you big pile of dinosaur dung. Dilbert: I see you attended an all women's college. Does that experience really make you more confident and assertive? Applicant: Either arm. Let's go.
19961116	Dilbert: So tell me.. Brian... Why do you want to work for this company? Applicant: Well, to be honest, I don't. I'm using this as a practice interview. Dilbert: I guess we're done here. Applicant: Hello-o-o!!! It's lunch time and I don't see sandwiches.
19961117	Pointy-Haired Boss: The powerful leader enter cubeville to inspire the wretched underlings. Pointy-Haired Boss: He spots one of the little people in desperate need of a morale boost. Pointy-Haired Boss:The leader carefully assesses the situation. Every solution is unique. Pointy-Haired Boss: Try identifying the problem and then solving it. Pointy-Haired Boss: The leader waits while the brilliance of his contribution sinks in. Dilbert: That's a much better idea than what I was doing. Dilbert: I've been sitting here all day randomly pressing keys. But you've shown me a better way! Pointy-Haired Boss: Suddenly the leader remembers why he rarely visits cubeville. Dilbert: My morale is soaring.
19961118	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Catbert: Are you stressed out, Wally? I have a solution. Start smoking. That way you'll have frequent company-sanctioned breaks throughout the day. Wally: This is your strategy for downsizing, isn't it? Catbert: Try it, you big wuss. 
19961119	Wally: I've decided to start smoking. I'll be able to take more breaks that way. And frankly, I'm hoping it will add an interesting edge to my personality and help me socially. Not that I need any help. Alice: I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my hard drive. 
19961120	Wally: Here's my first cigarette ever. I'm looking forward to the many smoking breaks I'm entitled to. I'll probably see you three times a day, just smoking and enjoying the fresh air! I assume you light the color-coded end, right? Smokers: I quit. 
19961121	Wally: According to the ads, this brand of cigarette will be like mountain biking past a sparkling waterfall. (Puff. Puff. Puff.) Dilbert: Are you getting that weird "smokers' cognitive dissonance" yet? Wally: Man, this mountain biking is overrated. 
19961122	Alice: how do you like your new smoking habit? Wally: my teeth turned yellow, my breath is putrid, I'm a social outcast, I'm going broke, and my house burned down. Alice:  so you're going to quit? Wally:  No, I'm trying to take a long term view of it. 
19961123	Wally:  I never noticed this warning label on my cigarettes before.  "If this product doesn't kill you right away, the executives of our company will drive over to your house and finish the job.  We know where you live, Wally.  Quit now!" Pointy haired boss:  Why am I paying for a color printer? Dilbert: It's also an air freshener if you know how to use it.
19961124	Boss: Last week our consultants warned us about a serious threat. They said our competitors would "eat our lunch." Slide: Eat our lunch. Boss: I'm happy to tell the executive committee that I leapt into action. I hired a security guard to protect the cafeteria. Our lunches are safe. Exec 1: I always thought that was just a figure of speech. Exec 2: Fool! Give me your department! Exec 1: Let go of my hair!! (Slap. Ouch!!) Boss: This is going better than usual. Dilbert: Why is the cafeteria closed? Guard: Someone ate all the lunches. (Burp.) 
19961125	Wally: When will my raise be effective? Catbert: The same time you are. Caption: The evil Mr. Catbert, director of H.R. is feeling "in the zone." Catbert: It's as if all the employees are moving in slow motion. 
19961126	Boss: Whenever we disagree, I always end up yelling. That's an indication that you have poor interpersonal skills. I'm sending you to a class to improve them. Dilbert: It looks like you've gained weight. Would it help if I started jogging? Boss: This is exactly what I'm talking about. 
19961127	Caption: Dogbert's school for interpersonal skills. Dogbert: The secret to good relationships is to be a huge phony. Let's practice the three fundamentals. Slide: Loud. Simple. Smiley. Wally: HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT LOW-PRESSURE SYSTEM, HUH?!! Dogbert: Again, but this time say "weather." 
19961128	Dogbert: This lesson in interpersonal skills involves listening to a stupid person without rolling your eyes. Moron: My computer screen says, "press any key to continue." Can I borrow your keys? Mine are locked in my Yugo. Dilbert: Must focus...Must...focus... Moron: I could break the driver's side window...but it's bad enough that the windshield is gone. 
19961129	Alice: Here's my presentation package. I worked twelve straight hours on it. That includes three hours of creativity followed by nine hours of stupor, senseless twiddling and outright dementia. I suppose there's only one thing that could make this presentation worse. Boss: Send it around for comments. 
19961130	Asok: I found many areas for improvement in your document, Alice. I'm only an intern, but these errors stand out like huge, red, blinking lights. You could put this on top of an ambulance as a warning. Alice: I was thinking the same thing about you. 
19961201	Caption: Catbert the evil director of Human Resources. Catbert: My tail is twitching... That can only mean it's time to write some more evil policies. Memo: To: all employees. Subject: new policy. Employees must wear shoes that are one size smaller than their feet. This will reduce wear and tear on carpets by 5%. Catbert: This is my favorite part. Memo: We must do this to be competitive. Reporter: I am a reporter for "Evil H.R. Policies Weekly." Do you have any success stories? Catbert: Purr. Purr. Caption: This is how industry practices are born. Reporter: Has anyone complained about the "footsizing" program? Catbert: I haven't listened to a single complaint. 
19961202	Wally: This metric shows an excellent trend in the number of days since the beginning of my project. That growth compares favorably with the best companies in our time zone. I'm working smarter, not harder. Dilbert: It's a whole new paradigm. 
19961203	Ratbert: I'm going to enter a profession that will make a huge difference in my self-esteem. I'll be a corporate trainer in a company that's downsizing. Dilbert: Are you sure that will raise your self-esteem? Ratbert: Why would I want to RAISE it? 
19961204	Boss: I'm looking for a new corporate trainer to help me teach classes in stress reduction, conflict resolution, and teamwork. Ratbert: I'LL BURN IN HELL BEFORE I'LL DO YOUR WORK PLUS MY OWN, YOU FILTHY WEASEL!!! Dilbert: And they hired you? Ratbert: A good trainer doesn't have to be a subject matter expert. 
19961205	Caption: Ratbert, corporate trainer. Downsizer: Pssst! I'm the grim downsizer. Trainers are the first to go. I'll just hang around here until the next budget cuts. Do you mind if I sit in on your stress-reduction class? Ratbert: I don't think I'll read the class evaluation forms from this one. 
19961206	Caption: Ratbert: corporate trainer. Downsizer: I'm the grim downsizer. I'm here to decruit the entire training department plus all of the people who have time to attend classes. Wally: My name is Dilbert. I'm here in place of Wally who is working hard to build a better tomorrow. Downsizer: Nice try. Student: I'm somebody else too. 
19961207	Boss: You're being downsized, Ratbert. Fortunately, there's a generous retirement plan. Let's see...For your length of employment, at your grade level...you get a wall calendar. Ratbert: When do I get it? Boss: As soon as I'm done with it. 
19961208	Dilbert: Our pointy-haired boss will be joining us by speakerphone. Alice: This is an important part of your engineering training, Asok. Asok: What do I do? Wally: When Alice presses the mute button, you make witty and sarcastic remarks. (Ring. Ring.) Phone: Hello, everyone, I'd like to talk about the new compensation plan. Asok: Tell us some lies, you ugly, two-faced, hypocritical troll! I am Asok the intern and I spit on your feeble compensation plan! I've found stuff on the bottom of my shoe that was smarter than you!! HA HA HA!!! Dilbert: Next time, a bit wittier...and make sure Alice really presses the mute button. 
19961209	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Alice: The mandatory unpaid overtime is immoral. It's destroying the quality of my life. Catbert: Alice, Alice, Alice...Companies are designed to maximize stockholder value, not employee happiness. Alice: Maybe the head of Human Resources should be a human. Catbert: Privately I refer to myself as the director of disgruntled cat toys. 
19961210	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Let me do the talking when we meet with your boss. As you know, any idea from the pointy-haired wonder is crud, but when you add my ability, what do you have? Executive: Crudability? Dogbert: And it looks good too! 
19961211	Pointy haired boss: Your first draft was boring, so I added a bunch of exclamation points.  Tina: Wow! Those exclamation points make this technical document come alive!.  Pointy haired boss: This might be that sarcasm thing I keep hearing about.  Tina:  I'm in the presence of genius! I beg you to father my children!
19961212	Secretary: I'm flattered. But I can't date you because we're different religions. Dilbert: I'm flexible. I'd change my religion to get a date. Secretary: It wouldn't work in this case. Dilbert: Did you know there's a whole religion based on not dating me? Dogbert: Where do you think I go every Sunday? 
19961213	Boss: We must change our culture of cynicism and negativism. You two will be the "happiness committee." Come up with some ideas to improve morale. Dilbert: So far we've got: 1) raises, 2) slap-the-boss day and 3) nude Fridays. Wally: I feel my cynicism melting away already. 
19961214	Boss: After I graduate from "quality school" I'll be a quality black-belt master. Wally: Is the title metaphoric, or is there a chance you'll be beaten senseless during a breakout session? Boss: Zip zip zip zip. Wally: Was that necessary? Boss: I'm not sure. I haven't done the pre-course reading yet. 
19961215	Boss: I made an upgrade to your product design. Dilbert: This would make the product overheat. Boss: Let's try to look at the big picture. Dilbert: Okay...Let's see...Your upgrade has no benefits and it costs more. The overheating would start office fires and put all of our customers out of business. If our sales are strong, we could create economic chaos and a global firestorm. Your "upgrade" would destroy civilization as we know it. Boss: Keep me informed. Dogbert: So you're going to end civilization as we know it? Dilbert: I don't think I'll miss it, frankly. 
19961216	Elbonian: Our Elbonian database product can replace every one of your current systems. Dilbert: No thanks. Elbonian: It can do payroll, accounts receivable, inventory, sales... Alice: No thanks. Elbonian: And I'll throw in some golf balls. Boss: It's a deal! Just toss them in the lake with all my other ones. 
19961217	Boss: We're going to replace our computer support systems with the Elbonian database product. It's risky, but don't worry. I've hired an outrageously expensive consultant who has never done this before. Ratbert: I earned five hundred dollars just coming to this meeting. How's YOUR day going? Wally: It won't make my top ten. 
19961218	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: I don't know much about computers so I compensate by being highly exuberant. YES!! YES!! COMPUTERS!! WAHOO!!! Hey look! It's not my fault; it's some guy named "General Protection." Alice: It's time for your flying lessons. 
19961219	Ratbert: As a consultant I earn $150 per hour when even I'm unproductive. I can earn 42 cents by wiggling my furry little behind for ten seconds. C'mon, count with me!!! Wally: When I imagine my ideal career, it's never like this. 
19961220	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: ...Then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one. Dilbert: What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating? Ratbert: Let me check my contract...Nope. I get paid exactly the same. Dilbert: Yeah, same here. 
19961221	Asok: I am only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? The Elbonian database system you're installing for our company will never work...unless I rewrite the entire thing with just six keystrokes. Done. Ratbert: I thought this was only possible in bad movies. Asok: Hey, let's hack into NATO's system. I can guess their password in three tries. 
19961222	Carol: Today is your ten-year service anniversary, Wally. Pick a gift from the service anniversary catalog. Wally: Is there a ceremony? Carol: Yeah. We just had it. Wally: May I say a few words? Carol: Anywhere but here. Wally: The selection of gifts at the ten-year level is somewhat meager. Dilbert: The golf ball is nice. Wally: I'm leaning toward the "I'm with stupid" shirt. Dilbert: All I see is a blank shirt. Wally: It comes with a fabric pen. Dilbert: I can almost feel the love our company has for us. Wally: What do you mean "us"? 
19961223	Dilbert: I'd like a direct...aisle seat...and an upgrade to first class if possible. Agent: The best I can do is to put you in an overhead luggage bin...with one stop in North Korea. Dilbert: Is it non-smoking? Agent: That depends on how accurate the anti-aircraft fire is. 
19961224	Dogbert: This is Marilyn Von Savant, the smartest human alive. She will help you understand your airline "often flier" program. Marilyn: I'm stumped. Dilbert: After this, could you tell me which phone company saves me the most money? Marilyn: My brain's trying to escape; you scared it. 
19961225	Dilbert: This suitcase is the decoy. While the airline is distracted trying to lose the decoy, I'll sneak aboard with this emergency carry-on bag. Dogbert: What if they try to make you eat their food? Dilbert: Fake vomit. They'll think I already ate. 
19961226	Dilbert: This bag contains all the mail you've sent me about my "often flier" status. Desk: Happy Airlines. Dilbert: I'll trade everything in the bag for a seat upgrade. I'm currently assigned to an overhead bin. Agent: Okay. Dilbert: Whew! Disaster has been averted. Flier: Are you guys going to the colicky baby convention too? 
19961227	Doorman: Welcome to the hotel. Allow me to touch your bag so you'll feel obligated to tip me. Dilbert: I've got to make it through the gauntlet of bag-losing hotel zombies. Zombies: $$ Dilbert: No room?!! I have a reservation!! Clerk: Oh, that's original. 
19961228	Doorman: This taxi is yours. Here's a description of how he'll cheat you. Dilbert: It says you'll be running the meter despite the flat rate. Then you'll feign poor language skills when I question you. I can't fault your efficiency, though. (Whump. Whump. Whump.) 
19961229	Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: this is Dogbert. How may I abuse you ? Pointy haired Boss: I need to move my cursor to the right but my mouse is at the end of yhe mousepad Dogbert: have you tried rebooting without saving your files ? Pointy haired Boss: Yeah, several times Dogbert: Have you tried moving your desk ? Pointy haired Boss: It didn't work Dogbert: You need my $800 mousepad upgrade Pointy haired Boss: What account does this get charged to ? Carol: "Idiot expense", just like everything else
19961230	Dilbert: No Rooms??  If the pope showed up, would you have a room for him? Weasel-girl: Yes. Dilbert: Okay, then give me his room!  I am so clever. Dlibert: Let's see you squirm out of that logic weasel-girl.
19961231	Caption: The business traveler. Dilbert: When I bought this suit, it said "wrinkle-free" on the wrapper. Attendee: The wrapper? 
19970101	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: Hey, Wally, I pulled some strings to get you moved to a window cubicle. It's for my own benefit. I plan to take naps while lying in the sun on top of your head. Wally: Every day this job teaches me I can get used to anything. Catbert: ZZZzzzz. 
19970102	Pointy Haired Boss: You need a million dollars but I only have authority to sign for up to ten thousand. Break it into a hundred separate business cases.  Dilbert: Thank you for your value-added management support.  Pointy Haired Boss: It was nothing.
19970103	Dilbert: Per your instructions, my request for a million dollars has been broken into one hundred business cases. Each one is for ten thousand dollars, which is your exact level of approval authority.  Pointy Haired Boss: I meant I can approve anything under ten thousand dollars.. So if you wouldn't mind...  Dilbert: Killing you? I wouldn't mind a bit.
19970104	Boss: Our new corporate policy is that all employees must use the products we sell. Asok: AAARGH!!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS??!!! So you're saying that many of these policies are NOT intended to be punishments? Wally: You get used to it after you lose your will to live. 
19970105	Boss: Alice, I'd like your input on something. Alice: Uh-oh...My intuition is activating the Fist of Death. Must...control... Boss: Our corporate culture is bad. I'm trying to find the cause. Alice: Well, obviously the problem isn't caused by managers who have no self-awareness...so what could it be? The culture problem must be coming from the other direction. Some EMPLOYEE must be causing this problem. I think it's the guy in the mailroom. His bad culture is infecting the rest of us. Mail Clerk: If this about that conference room full of mail, I don't know how it got there. 
19970106	Wally: I've decided to end my loneliness by getting a mail-order bride from Elbonia. The photos were grainy, but the advertisement guarantees she's cute. Caption: Elbonia. Elbonian: Blonde. 
19970107	Wally: My Elbonian mail-order bride will arrive any day now. Dilbert: Why don't you know the exact date? Wally: Because they're sending her by mail. I wasn't willing to pay for overnight delivery. Dilbert: She's one lucky gal. Wally: I'll probably keep her in the garage. It has a sink. 
19970108	Alice: Hey, Wally. I hear you're getting an Elbonian mail-order bride. It's so sad and pathetic, yet so funny! I feel sorry for her already! HU-HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA. Wally: And people ask why I gave up on local girls. 
19970109	Wally: My Elbonian mail-order bride has arrived. I must keep my expectations low to avoid any disappointment. Bride: Where's the ladies sty? I desperately need to powder my snout. 
19970110	Wally: ...So my Elbonian mail-order bride turns out to be a pig with a wig. Dilbert: What a rip-off. You're taking this well. I'd be mad if I paid for a bride and then I had to pay to send her back. You did send her back... Wally: B.L.T.? 
19970111	Wally: Wish me luck. I'm off to get my performance review. Dilbert: Have you been napping? You've got a bad case of keyboard face. Boss: What's wrong with your face? Wally: I have qwertytis. It's from working too hard. 
19970112	Caption: Buying a car. Salesman: You're one tough negotiator. Dilbert: Thanks. Salesman: It only took you four hours to get me all the way down to the manufacturer's suggested retail price. THERE'S NO PROFIT LEFT!! MY FAMILY WILL GO HUNGRY!! BWAA! BWAA! Sorry. I assume you want the rust inhibitor coating for only $500. Dilbert: Um...yeah, rust is bad. Salesman: YES!! KA-CHING. KA-CHING. Sorry. We also have an invisible spray that protects against scurvy and tax audits. Dilbert: Well -- okay. Salesman: Initial here if you want your airbag to be full of fresh Aspen air instead of gravel. Dilbert: Only $600. And the lease terms are engraved on this free hood ornament. Dogbert: Be glad they didn't install it. 
19970113	Wally: This week I did equal amounts of work and anti-work. For every unit of work I did, I generated an equal amount of unnecessary work for my co-workers. I figure I broke even. Boss: Wally, come see me after the staff meeting. Wally: Oh, great. You're driving me into negative territory. 
19970114	Dilbert: I didn't read all of the shrink-wrap license on my new software until after I opened it. Apparently I agreed to spend the rest of my life as a towel boy in Bill Gates' new mansion. Dogbert: Call your lawyer. Dilbert: Too late. He opened software yesterday. Now he's Bill's laundry boy. Dogbert: It must be dangerous for lawyers to iron pants; They'd always have one hand in a pocket. 
19970115	Dogbert: ...So you didn't read the software license and you inadvertently agreed to be Bill Gates' towel boy in his huge new house. When do we move? (RRRUMBLE!) House: PREPARE FOR ASSIMILATION. Dilbert: The house has come for me. 
19970116	House: You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz. You're in a room with three monkeys, one has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is smartest? Dilbert: Um... Dogbert: I guess the successful towel boys know that humans are primates too. Dilbert: Stupid trick question. 
19970117	Boss: Here's your annual performance review, Tina. I focused on your performance for the past two weeks because I don't remember anything farther back. Tina: I WAS ON VACATION FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS! Boss: No time to chat. I need to spread some motivation over here. 
19970118	Dogbert: Businesses used to be like Christianity; If you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere. These analogies aren't working for you, are they, Bob? Bob: My hope is that one day I will biodegrade and become "WD-40" oil. 
19970119	Caption: Office obstacle course. Dilbert: Uh-oh, it's Phil. I never returned his call. Walk faster. YES!! Uh-oh, it's an unpleasant co-worker who wants to be my friend. The crafty engineer blends with the herd to avoid detection. Uh-oh, I owe Alice some information. (Ring.) Alice: Hello? Dilbert: YES!! There's only one obstacle between me and blissful productivity. AAGH!!! MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED!!! Boss: It looks like you need a one-on-one coaching session. 
19970120	Boss: Bad news on your performance review, Wally. Everyone performed the same. But I'm required to rank the team on the bell curve. I had to make up some flaws to move you down the curve. Here's a pen. Sign it. Wally: "Employee does not wash hands after using the restroom." 
19970121	Wally: I can't sign this performance review! It's full of alleged misdeeds the you invented to lower my rating! Boss: Yes, but I think it reflects the sort of things you MIGHT do. I had to make all the reviews fit a bell curve. Wally: I AM NOT SELLING CRACK FROM MY CUBICLE!!! 
19970122	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member. This "family friendly" policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives. And more good news: We're canceling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either. 
19970123	Boss: Don't mention any problems when you do your presentation to senior management, Alice. They might try to solve the problems during the meeting. That would be a disaster. Alice: As far as I can tell, every layer of management exist for the sole purpose of warning us about the layer above. Dilbert: Are you saying they have a purpose? 
19970124	Boss: I put you in for a compliment, Alice. It's not automatic. The application must be approved by the Executive Review Committee. Caption: Executive Review Committee. Member 1: I don't think so. Member 2: We don't want them to think compliments are an entitlement. 
19970125	Boss: The results of the employee survey have been tabulated. As always, the employees say they are underpaid, blah, blah, blah, and management is incompetent. Alice: And your bizarre, unworldly response would be? Boss: Everyone gets a travel alarm clock with the company logo! 
19970126	Dilbert: What do you want for your birthday this year, Mom? Mom: Oh, nothing. I have everything I need. Dilbert: Oh, c'mon. There must be something you want. Mom: Well, one thing. But it's silly. Dilbert: You just name it. Mom: Okay. I'd like a home entertainment theater with a fifty-inch screen, "THX" Surround Sound and a 600 kbps satellite link to the net so I can view adult pictures during the commercials. Dilbert: I was thinking more along the lines of a new toaster oven. Mom: Oh, that's exciting. I'll put it next to my other one and watch them fight it out. Dilbert: There's a real dark side to the information age. Mom: Oh, and about the gift of life I gave you; You're welcome. 
19970127	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: We've decided to lower your base pay, Wally. I realize this will be a hardship. But if you hand me your necktie I'll show you why this is being done. Dilbert: What did he say was the reason? Wally: "Because I can." 
19970128	Boss: The network went down and I lost my work. Dilbert: The server crashed. Boss: From now on, I want advanced notices of any unplanned outages. And I need it yesterday. Dilbert: I used to think that was just a figure of speech. 
19970129	Dilbert: As you requested, here is a schedule of all future unplanned network outages. I took the initiative to include a schedule of all future sick days, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes. This is the point when you realize how stupid your request was and we have a good laugh. Boss: Does CNN know about this? 
19970130	Ratbert: A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says it's half full. Dilbert: Did you put your lips on my glass again? Ratbert: And then the engineer says... Dilbert: It's a good thing I put half of my water in a redundant glass. 
19970131	Caption: Asok the intern. Asok: I installed calendar software on our network. Now you can see everyone's schedule and easily set up meetings. Dilbert: I say we grab him and apply some cubicle justice. Alice: Good idea, but I'm in meetings until the year 3006. 
19970201	Wally: The more work I do, the more I'm given. It doesn't pay to be a talented and hard-working employee. Dilbert: How's it pay to be YOU? Wally: Not bad on an hourly basis. 
19970202	Dilbert: Carol, could you check our pointy-haired boss's calendar? Carol: Grumble. Dilbert: We'd like to schedule a celebration for the engineers who got patents. Carol: Grumble. Dilbert: We're all available on the sixth, ninth, twentieth and the twenty-first. Carol: I'll schedule it for the tenth. That's the only day he can do it. Dilbert: Um...None of the engineers can make it on the tenth. Carol: It's not a perfect world. Wally: When's the patent celebration? Dilbert: Shut up. Caption: On the tenth. Boss: We should do this more often. Carol: Yeah, I like cake. 
19970203	Boss: Every department is required to create a web page for our internal network. It should contain enough information to be difficult to maintain, but not so much that it's useful. As a security precaution, we'll make it too dull and unorganized to read. Wally: Is pornography in or out? 
19970204	Dilbert: I spent all week tweaking HTML for my Intranet web page. You should see it, Mom. I converted the video of my birth into an MPEG file. Anyone behind the fire wall can view it. You should hear the nickname they have for you at work! Mom: You should hear the one I have for you right now. 
19970205	Boss: Alice, I gave you a low performance ranking because you haven't bothered me all year. Logically, if your job were difficult and important, you would have brought me many issues to resolve. Alice: Can you think of ANY other reason I might not bring you issues? Boss: Yeah, laziness. But I gave you the benefit of a doubt. 
19970206	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. Director. Alice: I was so good at my job that I never needed to bother my boss. But he gave me a low rating because he didn't see me struggling. Catbert: I must refer to my Human Resources binders to see how to deal with this. Binders: Downsize/Downsize/Hire Losers/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/ Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Hire Losers/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Downsize/Hire Losers. 
19970207	Dogbert: Don't mind the stopwatch. I'm testing my theory that people get dumber every minute. Dilbert: It's not so simple, Dogbert. You also have to consider my "emotional intelligence," which is defined in a book I haven't read. (Click.) Dogbert: Twelve seconds. Dilbert: Give me that watch, you hog! 
19970208	Boss: My old slogan was, "Work smarter not harder." But people kept leaving for companies that pay more for less work. Work like a frightened idiot! Alice: Catchy. 
19970209	Caption: Job Interview. Interviewr: We're looking for a special kind of employee, Wally. Specifically, we like people with low self-esteem. That way we can bully them into working unpaid overtime. Do you think you're insecure enough to work here? Wally: Let me put it this way. Sometimes I pretend to choke in the cafeteria... Then when someone performs the Heimlich maneuver on me I spin around suddenly... Just to get a hug. Alice: Did he really say you're over-qualified? Wally: Aak! Mmph! 
19970210	Dilbert: I need a bullet point for your monthly accomplishments, Wally. Wally: Put me down for "leveraged synergy across all technology platforms." Dilbert: That was your accomplishment last month. Wally: It's more of a journey than a destination. 
19970211	Alice: Today I'll find out how big my bonus will be. After all the work I did on that project, I'm thinking four digits, maybe five. Caption: Later. Dilbert: How many digits? Alice: I used one on each hand. 
19970212	Carol: I need my own secretary. I'm too busy to help you unless I get some support. Boss: Too busy? You haven't done any work for me in six months. Carol: Oh, suddenly this is about YOU? 
19970213	Dilbert: Carol, do you know why my raise hasn't shown up in my pay yet? Carol: I haven't submitted the paperwork. I'm too busy to do it. Maybe you should talk to my boss about getting me a secretary. Dilbert: Carol, YOU are the secretary. Carol: That'll cost you another month. 
19970214	Dilbert: My raise didn't go through because your secretary didn't do the paperwork. I demand that you initiate disciplinary actions against her! Boss: I'll try, but... Carol, could you get me one of those disciplinary action forms? Carol: Sure, right after my ski trip to Hell. 
19970215	Carol: This is Wendy, my new secretary. Dilbert: I didn't know secretaries could have secretaries. Now will you have time to process my pay increase? It's been on your desk for three months. Both: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dilbert: Here's another case where more is not better. 
19970216	Sign: Leadership Seminar. All: Grumble. Speaker: What would you call a manager who motivates employees to work fourteen hours a day? Alice: A filthy sadist. Dilbert: Pointy-haired imbecile. Speaker: Um...No...That's not what I'm looking for. Wally: I think he means what do we call him to his face. All: Leader. Speaker: Right! And what do you call someone who can make unpopular decisions again and again? I hate training engineers. Alice: A filthy sadist? Wally: Wait, it might be another trick question. 
19970217	Boss: You didn't give me your five-year budget forecast. Dilbert: You didn't ask for one. Boss: It was discussed at the project review meeting. Dilbert: You didn't invite me to that meeting. Boss: Did you accomplish ANYTHING this week? Dilbert: I trained the bats who live in my cubicle to juggle mushrooms. 
19970218	Asok: I'd like to start the meeting with a whiny, unanswerable question. WHY CAN'T ANYONE MAKE A DECISION AROUND HERE?! Alice: That was good. Dilbert: My little intern is all grown up. (Sniff.) 
19970219	Worker: Hey, that's a union job. Put it down or I'll file a grievance. Dilbert: I'm only moving it ten feet. If I wait for a union person, I'll be unable to do my job for a week. Worker: Watch me not care. Dogbert: If anyone sees you moving the PC tonight, try saying you're Johnny Cash. Dilbert: Maybe I should just use the elevator. 
19970220	Dilbert: The bold commando stealthily relocates his PC at night, thus thwarting burdensome union rules. Guard: Freeze, miscreant. Dilbert: I hope this works. Cellmate: You don't look like Johnny Cash to me. 
19970221	Lawyer: You're accused of stealing a computer. We'll reduce the charge to "lewd conduct with appliances" if you'll plead guilty. Dilbert: That sounds fair. People will understand it's just a plea bargain. Wally: Would you like a minute alone with "Mr. Coffee"? 
19970222	Boss: I've decided to abandon logic and manage by cliches. It won't be easy, but I'll take one bird at a time. And remember, the customer is always righthanded. Dilbert: This is actually an improvement. 
19970223	Boss: I dread this part of the staff meeting. Let's go around the table and describe our accomplishments for the week. Wally? Wally: It was another week of amazing success in Wallyville. On Monday I realized my left bun had fallen asleep. I was shocked. The "boys" had always worked as a team before. Thinking quickly, I shifted my weight to my right bun and hoped for the best. Alice: That's your left side, not your right. Wally: That's the other thing; apparently the boys switched sides sometime during the night. 
19970224	Ted: I had to promise the customer we could build the thing in a month even though you said it was impossible. I'll solve the time problem by shifting blame to engineering while spending the huge bonus I got for the sale. Dilbert: Your planning has improved. Ted: Beginning blame transfer now... Others: Rrr. Rrr. 
19970225	Dilbert: I'm totally frazzled. There simply isn't enough time in the day to meet my upcoming deadlines. Boss: Let's have an all-day meeting off-site so I can explain why the deadlines are so important. Dilbert: So, your theory is that I'll have more time in the day if you explain something I already know? Boss: I don't have a lot of tools here. 
19970226	Pointy haired boss: Have you set up our off-site meeting so we can talk about how overworked you are? Pointy haired boss: I was thinking we should invite the rest of the staff, too. We can discuss our mission statement, maybe have a sack race. Pointy haired boss: Did you know if you're a state trooper, you can shoot any animal that's been hit by a car? 
19970227	Dilbert: I've heard that some primitive cultures had no mathematical concept of "zero." Sometimes I think you're like that when I tell you I have zero time left for additional work. Caption: The conversation went downhill from there. Dilbert: NO, THAT'S "ZORRO." YOU'RE NOT LIKE ZORRO!! 
19970228	Dogbert: Dilbert asked me to speak to you about the project plan you created without his input. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU ARROGANT BABOON!! Lean over here so I can slap you. Boss: I'm having flashbacks to my honeymoon. 
19970301	Wally: As you requested, I have learned to "do more with less." I'm doing more unnecessary work, with less planning, less intelligence, and less guilt. Boss: I hate the first staff meeting after budget cuts. Wally: And less career aspiration, too! 
19970302	Dilbert: Our new CEO will be announced today, Dogbert. Rumor has it that they picked a tall Caucasian male with no experience in our industry. I can't wait to hear the bizarre logic behind this choice. Dogbert: I like your necktie. Is it new? Dilbert: Shut up. Executive: Our new CEO has never worked in our industry, but that's exactly what we were looking for... ...Because we wanted a CEO who doesn't know what can't be done! Other hand...Other hand. CEO: Why? Dilbert: He looks a bit overqualified. Wally: I really took the wrong approach on my resume. 
19970303	Dogbert: Ratbert, I'm going back into the consulting business and I need you to be my engagement manager. You'll seem very smart if you randomly combine the words on this list and make many references to "Wal-Mart." Ratbert: It's like "Wal-Mart." Migrate your value into the white spaces of the ecosystem. Boss: Wow! That's one smart rat! 
19970304	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: "Wal-Mart's" business strategy was very successful. You can learn from their example. Alice: Does their strategy involve sitting around and making irrelevant comparisons to other companies? Ratbert: All I know for sure is that they don't let rats try on all the pantyhose in the store. Wally: Good strategy. 
19970305	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: Your strategy options can be shown in this matrix. The four boxes are "something...something...some other thing and whatever." In phase two I hope to turn this matrix into concentric circles with labels and arrows. Boss: I'm under the consultant's spell. 
19970306	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Boss: I am under your consulting spell. Ratbert: Really? Boss: Your overly complicated matrices and diagrams have convinced me of your intellectual superiority. I am afraid to act without your approval. Ratbert: Did I say you could put your arms up like that? 
19970307	Wally: Our boss has fallen under the spell of a consultant. Boss: Must...make assumptions. Must...write...large checks to consultant...because...employees...are...morons. Wally: Just because we pay inexperienced strangers to tell us how to do our jobs, that doesn't mean we're morons! Dilbert: Yeah! It's a coincidence. 
19970308	Ratbert the consultant: now that you're under my spell, i'd like to sit on your head and play bulldozer  ratbert the consultant: make some engine noises with your lips!  ratbert the consultant: laughs pointy haired boss: makes brbrbrbr noises Alice: do you think our consultant has too much power? Dilbert:  nah.  he's barely moving that file cabinet.
19970309	dilbert:  you're probably wondering how my day was.  it was terrible...until I did this!  It all started when I deluded myself into thinking my opinions mattered.  I sprang into action like a cheetah on a trampoline!  I drew lines and boxes and arrows for hours.  It was pure adrenaline.  Suddenly, trouble struck!  It wouldn't fit on one page!!  So I shrunk everything until it was totally unreadable.  And it fit!!  The moral of the story is that you don't have to feel bad just because you're totally worthless.  dogbert:  I'd mock you but the challenge is gone.
19970310	Dilbert:  and now for the most absurd activity of the week:  the timecard.  There's no project code for "staring at the wall and fretting about the reorganization."  I'll call it "training."  before I worked here I wasn't a thief or a liar.  Pointy haired boss's Secretary: You can't get that kind of training in school.
19970311	Asok: I am young and inexperienced, so please excuse this naive question, Alice... You spend hours every day "doing e-mail." How does this contribute to net after-tax earnings? Today I learned that Alice can stuff my entire body into one shirt sleeve. 
19970312	Boss: I can't let you telecommute because then I wouldn't be able to manage you. Dilbert: You're managing me right now, and all it's doing is preventing me from working. Boss: And your point would be...? Dilbert: Just beyond your grasp. 
19970313	Dilbert: I need your help to negotiate with my boss for more telecommuting days. Dogbert: I'm too logical to be a good negotiator. You need someone who is relentlessly irrational. Dilbert: Dogbert says you're an excellent negotiator, Ratbert. Ratbert: I'M INSULTED!! 
19970314	Dilbert: I'm here to negotiate for more telecommuting days. My negotiating strategy is to have Ratbert say such illogical things that it drains your will to argue. Boss: You can't work at home because you might do unproductive things there. Ratbert: I've lost my will to argue. 
19970315	Dilbert: I convinced my boss to let me telecommute. Dogbert: How? Dilbert: Well, technically, I called in sick, which comes out of my time bank for total days off. So, technically, I'm working for nothing, but I'm ahead in principle. Dogbert: WAY ahead, now that stupidity is a principle. 
19970316	Boss: You'll love your new assignment, Alice. Alice: Uh-oh. Boss: You're going to redesign all of our brochures! Alice: I'm an electrical engineer, not a graphic artist. Boss: We can discuss your huge inadequacies during your annual review. Alice: I'm not inadequate. I'm a highly skilled engineer. Boss: And yet you can't make brochures. Alice: Okay, let me try to explain this in the simplest possible way... You...are...an...idiot. The simplest possible explanation isn't always the best. Wally: Hey, it looks like a brochure, only uglier! 
19970317	Tina: It's noon. Let's grab a sandwich at the cafeteria. Dilbert: Okay, but make sure that's ALL you grab. I'd like to keep this on a professional basis. And I'll need to borrow five dollars. Tina: He's like a beautiful untamed beast. Sigh! 
19970318	Tina: I always fall for the wrong guys. I'm a jerk magnet. Dilbert: Tina, the turkey in your sandwich is already deceased. You don't have to talk it to death. Tina: I must disguise my arousal. Dilbert: Hey, look! We're eating exactly the same quantities for lunch! 
19970319	Tina: Alice, I think I'm developing a crush on Dilbert. Is that so wrong? Alice: Apparently it is. Phil: I have a report of a tech writer desiring an engineer. 
19970320	Phil: You are guilty of being a technical writer with an unnatural attraction to an engineer. It's not a major sin, so you only go to heck. I'm Phil, the prince of insufficient light. Sign: HECK. Phil: Sit down and type "I proactively leverage my synergies" a hundred times. Tina: NO-O-O!!! 
19970321	Dilbert: It's called a "smart card," and we should build our next product to handle this sort of payment technology. (Foop.) Smart Card: Aaagh!! Dilbert: I've never seen that happen. Wally: His body rejected the "smart card." 
19970322	Dilbert: I've invented a quantum computer capable of interacting with matter from other universes to solve complex equations. Dogbert: According to chaos theory, your tiny change to another universe will shift its destiny, possibly killing every inhabitant. Dilbert: Shift happens. Dogbert: Fire it up. 
19970323	Wally: Woah...I found a huge bug in our new software product. I could alert the development team and work many hours of unpaid overtime to fix it... Or I could surf over to my online brokerage service and buy stock in our competition. Dilbert: Are you going to lunch? Wally: No, I have to do an analysis. Dilbert: When Wally works through lunch...it's time to buy stock in our competition. Wally's working through lunch! Alice: Quick! To the online brokerage service! Boss: Our competitor is up ten points on no news. We're up two, maybe from the industry halo effect. ...Or maybe our new compensation plan is motivating smarter behavior. Wally: I think you nailed it. 
19970324	Pointy haired boss: I studied your technical recommendation and decided it's impossible. Dilbert: I already did it. Pointy haired boss: It will never work. Dilbert: It's working perfectly. Pointy haired boss: You spelled this word wrong. Dilbert: That's a number.
19970325	Dilbert: Avoid the pointy-haired boss today. I proved him wrong about something. Alice: Oh, terrific. Now he's in a state of boss disequilibrium until he proves he's RIGHT about something. Wally: They're PHOTOCOPIES! You don't need to proofread EACH ONE! Boss: We'll see about that. 
19970326	Boss: We plan too much. From now on we'll have a bias for action. I want posters that proclaim our commitment to action. And I want them soon! "Measure once. Cut twice." I like it. Wally: Told you. 
19970327	Alice: When I was your age, we had things called "promotions" and "raises." These days you can only get ahead by leaving the company for a year then coming back as a high-level manager. Asok: So the theory must be that anyone that would return to this company is... Alice: A moron. Correct. 
19970328	Boss: Profits are down. Morale is low. What is the root problem? It's got to be those anti-management cartoons the employees hang on their cubicle walls! And they aren't even funny. Wally: This one has our mission statement. 
19970329	Boss: I'm banning the posting of anti-management cartoons in the office. They hurt morale. Dilbert: You're banning humor to raise morale? Boss: Is there something wrong with that? Dilbert: It's the subject of today's cartoon. Boss: And you see how it's not funny? 
19970330	Dilbert: This security system cost a fortune but it's worth it. I put a camera in every room to deter any criminal activity. We may now go to the park knowing our fortress is protected. Burglar: I can't wait to show my kids what I do at work. Dilbert: I can only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen. And that is having some of it returned. Burglar: This thing is hideous in good light. 
19970331	Manager: Wally, I forgot to tell you that all of the project requirements changed. Wally: WHAT?!! ALL OF MY WORK WAS FOR NOTHING?!! Dilbert: He actually believes you did work? Wally: I think I'll get some homemade cookies out of this! 
19970401	Billy: Hey, Dilbert! You'll never be hungry as long as you're workin' in this strip... ...'cause you're sure of THREE SQUARES every day! Some of us hafta keep goin' around in circles! Dilbert: Security? 
19970402	Boss: In order to reduce expenses, only employees in essential jobs may have business cards. All: I'd better order some business cards to find out if I'm "essential." Boss: Carol, order some new business cards for me. Carol: Ooh, no can do. But you can borrow some of mine. 
19970403	Alice: I hate to interrupt your loud conversation outside my cubicle... But if you don't go away, I'll pound your inconsiderate head so far into your torso that you have to drop your pants to say hello. Wally: Did you just hear a strange noise? Dilbert: It sounded like, "Melp! Melp!" 
19970404	Boss: I'm sending you to a training course that runs at night so you won't miss any work. It might seem like an immoral abuse of my power, but I like to call it "a mutual investment in your career." Alice: Must...control...fist...of...death... Boss: And they have vending machines if you get hungry! 
19970405	Caption: Company training. Instructor: Let's go around the room and we'll each say what we hope to learn. Alice: I hope to learn whether that thing on your head is a bad toupee, a dead animal, or a hideous freak of nature. Instructor: Can I call that "general"? 
19970406	Title: Dogbert presents The Life Cycle of a Business Idea. Caption: The brain creates an idea. Engineer: Mmm. Caption: The mouth -- operating independently of the brain -- creates words. Engineer: Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams. Caption: The words are written on large paper. Dilbert: Idiot. Paper: Let's form synergy. Caption: The large paper is delivered to a bitter secretary. Dilbert: Please? Carol: Grrrr. Caption: The secretary types it. Monitor: "Let's...form...protein...symphony reactionary...teens." Carol: Close enough. Caption: The typed notes are delivered to the staff. Wally: Drop it in the "to do basket." Caption: Repeat. Engineer: Mmm. 
19970407	Boss: Alice, your performance is good, but you must learn to deal with ambiguity. Alice: Did I just get blamed for your indecisive leadership? Boss: I'm not indecisive; I'm flexible. Alice: That would explain how your head got where it is. 
19970408	Carol: Here's the new org chart. I had to rearrange the layout to make it fit. Dilbert: Why is my box lower than Alice and Wally's? Carol: It means nothing...nothing at all. Dilbert: Okay, who told you that every year I fish your Secretaries' Day card out of your trash and save it for next time? Carol: What? 
19970409	Dilbert: The new org chart has my name lower than yours, but it doesn't mean anything. See? It wouldn't all fit across the page. It's just a graphical layout thing, that's all. Alice: Hey, Dil-boy, put a head on this and fetch my mail. Wally: Are you asking me to be your mentor? 
19970410	Asok: I noticed that the new org chart has your box lower than before. Dilbert: It means nothing. Asok: Perhaps. But your box seems smallish. And your reporting line brushes against my box. Dilbert: It means nothing. Asok: No, I'm sure this means I'm your new boss. Dilbert: I wonder if I killed someone in a previous life. 
19970411	Dilbert: I don't care what it "looks" like on the org chart! You're an intern, not my boss! Boss: I just saw the new org chart. Congratulations on your promotion, Asok! Dilbert: Let's go make some strategies and pretend it's work! Boss: Not so loud. The l-u-s-e-r might hear. Dilbert: (Bonk. Bonk.) 
19970412	Dilbert: Carol, I don't mean to be critical about the department phone list you put together... But it's traditional to list people alphabetically, not sorted by phone number. Because what possible use...? Carol: Incoming call from...Let's see...It's Wally...I can ignore it. Phone: (Ring.) 
19970413	Dilbert: Here's my project plan as you requested. Our team is already working day and night on other projects. I assumed we'd give up eating, sleeping and bathing to fit this in. By the second week we'll be starving, delirious and stinking. We'll be like wild unpredictable animals. Specifically, we'd be like wild chipmunks. None of us are very aggressive. This clip-art represents us in week three as a pile of dead chipmunks. Wally: Now he wants it in two weeks? Dilbert: Never mix sarcasm with good clip-art. 
19970414	Boss: Alice, I need this ASAP. Alice: ASAP? Does that stand for A Stupid Acting Person, i.e., someone who ignores tasks until the deadline? Boss: That was embarrassing. I hope the other things I say don't mean anything. 
19970415	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. Director. Catbert: The company has taken out a life insurance policy on you, Wally. We pay the premiums and collect the insurance when you die. Wally: Is this because I'm so valuable to the company? Catbert: It's because we think you'll be more valuable dead. Wally: This is exactly why I don't like cats. 
19970416	Boss: There's been a lot of joking and grumbling since the company took out life insurance policies on all of you. So we're having these catered lunch meetings to discuss your feelings. Carol: Do you want the Mad Cow Burger of the Chicken Bone Surprise? 
19970417	Pointy haired boss: I found another dead employee in the conference room. I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him! It looks like I found my "employee of the week."
19970418	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Wally, the company bought a life insurance policy on you. Our plan is to raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels. Did you know that our CEO makes fifty times your salary even though our stock is down? Wally: Ow! Ow! Ow! 
19970419	Dogbert: Your success at work depends on what you have in your hands when you walk around. A coffee cup is bad. A document is good. A cigarette is bad. A binder is good. But the very worst thing... Dilbert: It doesn't look like you're heading for the fast track, Wally. Wally: Actually I am, unless it's occupied. 
19970420	Boss: Here are some money-saving tips from headquarters. "When calling long distance, use short words." "If everyone did this, our fifty-billion-dollar company would save nine hundred dollars per year." "Tip two: For faxes, use Sans Serif fonts. They transmit faster. Annual savings could exceed three hundred dollars." Next on the agenda, remember I'll be in Switzerland next week on a fact-finding trip. If you need to call me at my four-star hotel, be sure to use short words. Dilbert: You might want to save those short words until he's on his clue-finding trip. Caption: Switzerland. Phone: #!%@*!! Boss: Those are NOT all short words. 
19970421	Presenter: My study shows that the companies with "family friendly" policies have higher profits. Dilbert: Question: Do family policies cause higher profits or do high profits simply camouflage the true costs of the policies? Presenter: We'll take a five-minute break so the married people can slap you for asking that. Dilbert: Ouch! 
19970422	Dilbert: This so-called "family friendly" policy is like a tax on childless people. YOU get child-care; I get lower profit-sharing. YOU get time off for family; I get to pick up your slack... I'm a victim, but in some strange way I'm enjoying it. Alice: Then you'll love this. 
19970423	Alice: I'm going home early because my kid is sick. Remember, we have a new "family friendly" policy. Boss: We do? Is that why my family seems so friendly? Alice: Maybe, but I'd test 'em for drugs. 
19970424	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Alice: I'm being discriminated against because I take time off for family emergencies. Catbert: I'll handle this by telling your boss that you ratted him out to the director of human resources. Alice: I thought we had a "family friendly" policy. Catbert: The key word is FRIENDLY. You've been acting as if you LOVE your family. 
19970425	Wally: Good news! Our business plan is in complete disarray! FREE TIME!! NO DELIVERABLES!!! AND IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! Dilbert: Yippee!! Do you realize that all our joy comes from perverse sources? Wally: I didn't know there was an alternative. 
19970426	Wally: Alice, our business plan is in complete disarray so we're taking a three-hour lunch. Want to join us? Alice: No, I've got to work harder than ever to turn this situation around! Wally: Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between dedication and insanity. Dilbert: Which one are we? 
19970427	Wally: Here's your list of fake acronyms for the staff meeting. Try to keep a straight face when you use them. Boss: I've got a few action items. Who isn't busy? Wally: I'd be all over it but I need to prepare a BTR for the CPD meeting. Alice: I'd love to help but this is XRP week for the entire LBQ. Dilbert: My SPOO has too much FLEEM. What? Alice: Rrrrr. Wally: That was smooth. Dilbert: Hey, if I could lie I'd be in marketing. 
19970428	Wally: It's time now for the Wally report, a weekly status update. My income is 80% of the industry average, enthusiasm is at 63% of capacity and my ego shield is holding at 15%. Dilbert: Your enthusiasm is up from last week. Wally: Someone left the supply cabinet unlocked. 
19970429	Boss: Good news about your compensation plan... Dilbert: I hate good news about my compensation plan. Boss: Twenty percent of your pay will now be in the form of stock options instead of cash! To get your stock options, simply sign this updated employee agreement. Dilbert: Why does good news feel like a mugging? 
19970430	Dilbert: My company won't give me stock options unless I sign this new employee agreement. Dogbert: Here. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. Dilbert: What do you think? Dogbert: I'm not reading it. I just like to look at documents and go yada, yada, yada. 
19970501	Wally: You want me to sign an agreement that I won't work for a competitor for five years if I leave here? No problem. Here you go. Boss: This is too easy. Wally: I haven't done any work HERE for five years, so how hard could it be? Monitor: New game? 
19970502	Pointy haired boss: I want you to work with our marketing people to design a product brochure.  Dilbert: Groan.  Ted: Remember, what we do here might seem like criminal fraud but it's not.  It's marketing!  Dilbert: Okay, as long as it's not wrong...  Ted: Here's a jar to keep your conscience in.  I'll put it in the closet with mine.
19970503	Caption: Designing a brochure. Dilbert: We'll want to emphasize the things that make our product unique. Ted: Good. Good. Dilbert: Let's see...We have higher prices...stale technology...fewer features...and it's hard to use. Can you work with that? Ted: Suddenly I don't feel so bad that we won't be using 100% recycled paper. 
19970504	Ratbert: Who was the world's first salesperson, Dogbert? Dogbert: Some people say it was a guy named Noah. Caption: Noah's last name was Content. Noah: I have a big, curly stick and I don't even know why. Caption: His job was to sell an ark cruise to animals. Noah: Did I say ark? I meant yacht. Caption: He invented something called sales-babble to disguise his motives. Noah: We'll partner to leverage our value-adds in a win-win proposition. Caption: He pioneered the lame joke. Noah: How's the weather up there? Hee hee. Caption: When he couldn't reach quota, he got creative. Noah: Strap this to your head and don't ask questions. Caption: But his greatest innovation he called "blaming engineering." Bear: I can't find the honey spa. Noah: Think fast. 
19970505	Dilbert: I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society. Dogbert: Uh-oh, he's on to me. 
19970506	Dilbert: Are you telling me that YOU invented the first web browser? Dogbert: Not alone. I worked with our garbageman. Caption: Flashback. Dogbert: I wonder how long people would sit in front of a computer waiting for nothing. Garbageman: Let's find out! What if this thing gets out of hand? Dogbert: We'll blame it on some drunken college kid. 
19970507	Caption: Flashback to the invention of the first web browser. Garbageman: What should we call our prank, Dogbert? Dogbert: Well, it's designed to make millions of people sit around waiting for nothing to happen... Caption: A few years later. User: Hey, I can almost see a recognizable blotch! This is awesome! (Note.) 
19970508	Flashback: Dogbert and the World's Smartest Garbageman invent the first web browser as a practical joke. World's Smartest Garbageman: It's out of control. Dogbert: I wonder what will happen to that college kid we framed. World's Smartest Garbageman: He'll be okay. Man with Money: Where would you like this bushel of money? College Kid: Stack it next to the photographers.
19970509	Pointy Haired Boss: Wally, we don't have time to gather the product requirements ahead of time. Pointy Haired Boss: I want you to start designing the product anyway.  Otherwise it will look like we aren't accomplishing anything. Wally: Of all my projects, I like the doomed ones best.
19970510	Pointy Haired Boss: We did an industry survey to see how your salaries compared to the average. Pointy Haired Boss: We didn't get the numbers we hoped for, so we broadened the definition of "our industry". Wally: I'm so happy to be in the industry of "high technology, textile workers, teenagers, and dead people". Dilbert: I feel overpaid.
19970511	Carl: I am Carl, the cubicle dwellers' friend. Carl: I travel from cubicle to cubicle to tell people how hard I'm working. Carl: I am working so-o-o-o hard.  Work, work, work.  It's all I do. Dilbert: How is that possible. Dilbert: You walk around all day with that coffee cup resting on your belly. Dilbert: Does your job description say "transport coffee cup on belly"? Carl: He's a terrible conversationalist. Dilbert: How many miles per gallon do you get? Alice: Hypothetically, if you were downsized, how would the cup get around? Carl: What's wrong with these people?
19970512	Alice: It's freezing in here. Alice: I'll just give the thermostat a little bump. Wally: Can we at least agree that when my cactus shrieks in agony, it's too warm? Alice: It wasn't shrieking before you took your shirt off.
19970513	Caption: Thermostat wars. Wally: Be reasonable, Alice. When it's warm enough for you, it's too hot for normal humans. Logically, you could wear a sweater. But there's nothing I can do to be less warm. Therefore, you must compromise. Dilbert: Did she buy the argument? Wally: No. But I'm going to shave my back and take another run at it. Shaver: Zzzz. 
19970514	Dogbert: My invention can detect human stupidity. Dogbert: It has a very simple interface.  All I do is point it at people. Dilbert: Then what does it do? Dogbert: Why would it need to do anything else?
19970515	Alarm clock reads 7:05 am. Alice: Oh, no!  I overslept . . . No time to apply makeup before my big meeting! Alice: Okay, does everyone understand their tasks? Dilbert: Absolutely. Wally: I'll get right on it. Alice: I wonder why they were so respectful today. Asok: It's Newt Gingrich!
19970516	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert: New Policy: all company documents must use the official company font . . . Catbert: Let's see . . . what would be the most obscure and impractical font imaginable?  Purr Purr Purr  Somewhere in Elbonia Dilbert: I understand I can get the Elbonian font software from you. Elbonian: Yep.  Unless you need consonants for some reason.
19970517	Carol: Alice, here's the agenda for the next project meeting. Alice: Two hours?!!  Aaagh!!!  There's only ten minutes' worth of tasks!! Alice: Uh-oh.  I think I'm temporarily sane. Carol: Try breathing into a paper bag and repeating our mission statement.
19970518	Waitress: Thank you.  Please come again. Waitress: After I'm dead. Dilbert: If we each put in twelve dollars, that will give her a healthy fourteen percent tip. Wally: The service was excellent.  I'll put in a little extra. Dilbert: Me too. Alice: Me too. Dilbert: That gives us . . . um . . . only thirty-four dollars. Dilbert: One of us is a cheap lying unscrupulous weasel. Dilbert: Or maybe the service was bad. Wally: She didn't smile enough. Alice: Same as last week.
19970519	Boss: Wally, two things... Number one, I want you to chair the "fun committee" to improve employee morale. Two, according to this report, you've been using the Internet for personal reasons. 
19970520	Dogbert: I was trying to decide if you're stupid or just very ignorant. Then I thought, "Whoa, Dogbert, you're being narrow-minded about this." You could easily be both. Dilbert: It only LOOKS easy. 
19970521	Dilbert: It is physically impossible for me to finish both of my projects on time. Which one is more important? Boss: Hmm...If I absolutely HAD to choose between them, I'd say...do them both on time. Dilbert: Wow. When you do that with your arms, it creates the illusion that you're thinking. Boss: What you need is a third project. 
19970522	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: "Any employee who uses the Internet for non-business purposes will be fired." "And any employee who sits in a company chair while having a personal thought will be executed by security." The great thing about senseless, sadistic policies is that they don't require a lot of explanation. 
19970523	Wally: I wrote this labor-saving software. Watch it do its thing. Dilbert: How can you tell if it's working? Wally: You don't see any labor happening around her, do you? 
19970524	Dogbert: I've decided to become a consultant in the field of obvious generalities. I'll work for small companies that are run by artists. They'll think I'm brilliant, which I am. Artist 1: Whoa! Are you saying we need REVENUE to make a profit?? Artist 2: Ouch! I've got a headache on one side. 
19970525	Asok: Lately I've been feeling discouraged about my job. Alice: You should talk to the pointy-haired boss. Wally: That'll cheer you up. Asok: Maybe you're right. All I need is a little pep talk from our leader. Engineers: HA HA HA! HEE HEE! Boss: You think YOU'RE discouraged... I've been stuck in this dead-end job for years, grinding away, day after day. And all I have to show for it is high blood pressure and worthless stock options. Dilbert: It's so gratifying to watch them grow up. Asok: I need the number for Doctor Kevorkian. 
19970526	Dilbert: I'd feel a lot more comfortable on this project if you'd tell me everything you know about it. Boss: I've already told you more than I know. Dilbert: I feel like I'm being followed. Cloud: Doom. 
19970527	Dilbert: I'll need everyone's help on this project. I hope you can overlook the cloud of doom that hovers nearby. Cloud: Doom. (BOOM! Crack.) Doom. Dilbert: Wow. It's lucky that wasn't someone we like. Cloud: Doom. 
19970528	Cloud: Doom. Woman: I notice you have a cloud of doom. I must admit it makes you seem dangerous and sexy. Cloud: Doom. (ZAP.) Dilbert: Sorry. That happens to everyone who gets near me. Woman: No problem. I'm one of those women who never learn. 
19970529	Dilbert: I have a cloud of doom that zaps everyone near me once a minute. Cloud: Doom. Dilbert: I'm looking for a woman who doesn't think that past behavior is an indication of the future. Cloud: Doom. (ZAP!) Dilbert: ...A woman with absolutely no sense of pattern recognition. Woman: Ouch. I'm glad that won't happen again. Cloud: Doom. 
19970530	Dogbert: The only way to get rid of your cloud of doom is to transfer it to a new host body. Cloud: Doom. Dogbert: I will accomplish this with the help of your pointy-haired boss and a clueless co-worker named Tim. We're secure. Begin transfer. Boss: Tim, your new job will be director of special projects. Cloud: Doom. 
19970531	Boss: Alice, I understand you had a conversation with my boss without my approval. We don't want to give mixed messages. It would be very bad if she got any mixed messages. Alice: I just gave her an honest status report. Boss: AAARGH!!! MIXED MESSAGES! 
19970601	Boss: I forgot my umbrella. I'm soaked. Dilbert: Why don't you toss your clothes in the microwave and dry them off. Boss: Would that work? Dilbert: Sixty minutes ought to do it. We'll guard the door to the break room. Wally: You know, ever since the downsizing began, I've felt much less company loyalty. Dilbert: Me too. Alice: Why are you two so happy? Wally: There are free goodies in the break room. 
19970602	Net Admin: I put together some guiding principles for our network architecture. Alice: I sure hope this isn't a bunch of obvious ideas disguised with techno-jargon and unclear writing. Dilbert: Let the games begin. Alice: So tell me, do suspenders cause muddled thinking, or is it the other way around? 
19970603	Dogbert: I'm going into business as a professional bearer of bad news. I'll try to find the humor that is inherent in every tragic situation. Woman: I give up. What IS the difference between my husband and the seventies pop group "Village People"? Dogbert: They're coming back. 
19970604	Caption: Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news. Dogbert: "We cannot offer you a position at this time, but you are obviously qualified." "Unfortunately, the other six billion people on Earth are more qualified." "We'll keep your resume on file." 
19970605	Dogbert -- professional bearer of bad news  Dogbert: Your doctor asked me to tell you that you have six months to live. Man: There must be a mistake.  I'm here for a nose job. Dogbert: Oh, you're right ... I wondered why that last guy was so happy when I told him that he'd have one huge nostril for the next forty years.
19970606	Caption: Dogbert: professional bearer of bad news. Dogbert: Wally, your boss asked me to tell you... YOU'RE FIRED!!! AND THEY HAVE SECRET VIDEOS OF YOU STEALING STUFF!!! Wally: This can't be true. Dogbert: It's not. But watch how happy you are when I tell you about your one-percent raise. 
19970607	Software: Software license: By opening this package, you agree... You will not make copies or export to despotic nations. You will submit to strip searches in your home... (Rrrip.) Nurse: Frankly, both of us would have been happier if you had just walked away. 
19970608	Boss: I'm happy to award the "clean cubicle award" to Matthew. It's a ten-dollar "travelers check." Where's Matthew? Dilbert: He was cruelly downsized last month. Alice: His cubicle was clean because he shredded his important documents out of spite. Wally: All of his furniture and equipment were scavenged by bitter employees who have to do his work now. Boss: This is not having the motivational impact I had hoped for. Okay...The "traveler's check" will go to whoever knows what number I'm thinking. They sure were sore losers. 
19970609	Parent: I teach my kids that these things are right and these things are wrong. Period. End of story. Dogbert: Wouldn't that teach them to believe anything they're told without applying any critical thinking? Parent: I don't think about that. Dogbert: Duh. 
19970610	Boss: Dilbert, you'll work with "Kenny the sales-weasel" on our biggest prospect. Kenny: Tell me all of our product's technical specs on the way. I like to be prepared. Dilbert: Our product is beige. It uses electricity. Kenny: Woah! Brain overload! 
19970611	Caption: Visiting the customer. Kenny: When I introduce you to the customer, smile and give him a hearty slap on the back. Get ready. Here he comes. Dilbert: I'd better take some practice swings. Kenny: Next time, less follow-through, aim higher, and if he turns around suddenly, hold off. Dilbert: Sorry. Customer: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 
19970612	Caption: Visiting the customer. Kenny: I brought Dilbert to explain what makes our product special. Dilbert: It's exactly like our competitor's product except we charge more to cover the cost of our deceptive advertising. While you're up, could you get me a cup of coffee? 
19970613	Caption: Visiting the customer. Kenny: No one has ever been fired for buying our product! Dilbert: That's true. There IS the occasional savage beating...and more than our share of suicides... But that has "statistical clustering" written all over it. 
19970614	Dilbert: Someday it will be possible to clone our boss. Wally: But the clone would have no experience and no knowledge. Boss: I just sent an e-mail message to Japan. I don't know the language so I took your advice and typed it all in caps. Dilbert: Wow. That put it all in perspective. 
19970615	Caption: Asok the intern explains the new rules of body language. Asok: Fake happiness. Caption: This means: I am not motivated by the size of my paycheck. Asok: AHH!! WAHH! WAHH! Caption: This means: I am slightly concerned about the impending reorganization. This means: I have decided to work in the marketing field. (Counter-clockwise spin.) This means: I am being sarcastic. Asok: Oh, THERE'S a good plan. (Note lips.) Caption: This means: The recent employee satisfaction survey has not captured the extent of my feelings. This means: I think you are attractive but it would be very unprofessional to show it. This means: My lottery investment paid off. (Yank!) 
19970616	Tina: I scheduled a two-hour T.H.N.P.L. meeting for seven o'clock on Friday night. T.H.N.P.L. stands for "Tina has no personal life." I'm scheduling useless meetings to fill the void in my life. Dilbert: Tina, this is insane. Tina: Are you suggesting we have a meeting to discuss it? Is Saturday okay? 
19970617	Tina: You're invited to a four-hour meeting, Asok. Asok: Tina, it would seem that all of your meetings have no purpose other than to provide you with a surrogate social life. Tina: Can you bring chips? Asok: I wish, I wish, I wish I had a spine. 
19970618	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: People are complaining that you schedule unnecessary meetings as a substitute for a family. Tina: That's ridiculous! Come to my next meeting and see for yourself. Catbert: Okay, I will. Tina: I got us a family cat. How was your day, dear? Dilbert: Sob. 
19970619	Dilbert: Dogbert, I need your help. I keep getting invited to worthless meetings and I can't say no. YOU can say no to anything. You have such a clearly defined sense of self-interest. Will you teach me to be like you? Dogbert: Nope...Can't be bothered. 
19970620	Pointy haired boss: Give me a final design for project CARIBOU by Tuesday. Dilbert: That's Wally's project. Pointy haired boss: I know, but I'm thiking about it now and Wally isn't in the room. Tell Wally it's your project now. Dilbert: Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it.
19970621	Dilbert: ... So our Pointy Haired Boss put me in charge of your project because I was standing in his office when he thought about the project. If it makes you feel better, you can keep your morale in this thimble with mine. Wally: I keep mine in a "Tic Tac" container with my ego.
19970622	Wally: I have a great idea to save money. We can make the photocopier ink last longer by adding water to it. Boss: Wouldn't that make the copies too light? Wally: Ordinarily, yes. But we can compensate by setting the copier to "darken." You'll need someone to implement this idea...Let's see. Hey, how about Dilbert? He isn't doing much work lately. I'd do it myself but there's no reason to waste a creative thinker on an implementation task. Dilbert: Are you still mad that I got a bigger raise than you did? Wally: No, I found a creative way to deal with it. 
19970623	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: New policy: Key employees must travel on separate flights to reduce risk. Other employees, such as Wally, are encouraged to take up dangerous hobbies. Wally: I've noticed that when a new policy mentions me by name, it's never a good thing. 
19970624	Boss: Alice, here's a bonus for your good work. Alice: On what? Boss: I can't be specific, because then you might do it again and expect another bonus. Alice: Congratulations; You've motivated me to act randomly. Boss: I'm going over here and I don't know why. 
19970625	Alice: I did less work than usual this quarter and I got a bonus. The implications are staggering. The entire system of capitalism has a flawed premise. There's only ONE thing that could make this bonus more frightening. Wally: I got one, too. 
19970626	Dogbert: I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants. Dilbert: But common sense says that you're being a consultant yourself, so your opinion is logically flawed. Only people with no common sense will buy your book. Dogbert: I prefer to call them the mass market. 
19970627	Boss: From now on, we'll nurture the passion of our rebellious employees and form strategies around them. Wally: We don't have any rebellious employees. The last one got fired for wearing culottes on casual day. Boss: It was such a good idea in my head. Wally: We still have some sarcastic employees. Can you work with that? 
19970628	Dilbert: We've identified the people who will create the system to develop a product process. While we were doing that, our competitor created a new Internet product that added a billion dollars to their stock value. Experts attribute the company's success to their "employee of the week" program. Boss: Quick! Hire those experts! 
19970629	Dilbert: I want a ten-percent raise. Boss: There's no budget for raises. Dilbert: I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more. Boss: I'll give you twenty percent if you stay. Dilbert: I thought you said there's no budget for raises. Boss: Well...It's supposed to be a secret but... Our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs. Dilbert: Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty! Engineers: YIPPEE! YES! Woo-woo-woo. Wally: What's the reward for leaving work early? Dilbert: He wouldn't show me the price sheet. 
19970630	Dogbert: I'm putting you on a "need to know" basis. Here's a complete list of the things I need to know. If it's not on the list, I probably don't need to hear it. Dilbert: Number one: "Run for it, Dogbert! The volcano is erupting!" Dogbert: Plurals will also be allowed. 
19970701	Ratbert: If the goal of all creatures is to be happy...and I'm happier than you are... We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right? Dilbert: You are REALLY starting to annoy me now. Ratbert: The gap widens. Yes! 
19970702	Asok: I finally figured out why everyone talks so funny in this company. We're not morons who are incapable of clear communication, we're rebels who like to "think outside the box." Boss: It's always fascinating to watch an ego just before it dies. Asok: I'm a rebel! Task me with a "do it." 
19970703	Asok: Hi, Mom! Guess what. I'm the process owner for our benchmarking initiative! She's crying with joy... Wally: I used to think that too. 
19970704	(Beep beep boop beep.) Dogbert: I am Dogbert, your lord and master! Submit to my will, you worthless cretin! Dilbert: Does telemarketing work for that sort of thing? Dogbert: You'll know tomorrow; That was your voice mail. 
19970705	Dogbert: You two will be my telemarketers. Here's a list of known idiots to call. Ratbert: I'll go first, Bob. Let's see...I dial the number. And wait for an idiot to answer... (Ring ring ring) C'mon, you loser. Pick up the phone. 
19970706	Wally: Hey, pointy-hair! Thanks for your brilliant advice that I should "work smarter, not harder." I didn't realize people could become smarter just by wanting to. Watch me add a few I.Q. points right now! (Grrr grrr) Wow! Suddenly I can speak Latin! Let's crank it up a few more points. (Grrr grrr) Why am I working in this dump? I should be a consultant. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. Dilbert: Oh, wow. You woke up in the wrong joke. 
19970707	Dilbert: I hate it when the title of a book gives away the whole plot. Take Hemingway's "Old Man And The Sea." Geez, talk about leaving nothing to the imagination. I guess the odds were very low that you would leap in the air and catch that. Dogbert: I'm only here to be a chick magnet. 
19970708	Dilbert: If you're such a chick magnet, let's see you do your stuff. Dogbert: Okay. I'll wag. They love that. Dilbert: It's working! You broke one out of the herd. She's coming this way. Dogbert: Be careful. I don't know how powerful this is. Roxanne: I'll bet you work out a lot. I'm a dancer. Dilbert: Grumble. Dogbert: Uh-oh. 
19970709	Roxanne: Until I met you, Dogbert, I always fell for engineers. But I'm tired of pretty boys. I want a guy who will appreciate my exotic dancing as much as my passion for physics. Dogbert: Scratch under this ear for a minute. Roxanne: Sure. I can't get enough touching. Dogbert: Sob. 
19970710	Roxanne: Wow. You're an incredibly sexy man. It's too bad I met this little fuzzy guy first. But looks aren't everything. Studies show that women want a man who is in touch with his feelings. Dilbert: AAGH!! I HATE MY LIFE!! Roxanne: Gee. That's enough to make me doubt the scientific method. 
19970711	Dogbert: As much as I like the petting, I still have to break up with you, Roxanne. Roxanne: Why?! Dogbert: Humans are kind, intelligent, well-adjusted until you get to know them. Roxanne: MAY THE HORNED DEMON OF IXPAH SMITE YOU LIKE THE LAST SIX!!! Dogbert: This is what I'm talking about. 
19970712	Wally: It's done. Boss: I thought I asked for that to be in color. Wally: Black and white are both colors. So technically...Oh, wait, I see what you mean. Dilbert: Is that all it took to satisfy his need for irrelevant changes? Wally: And I did it while the color copies were printing. 
19970713	Dogbert: You're on the air with Dogbert's "bad advice show." How may I hurt you? Woman: My boss asked me for a date. We're both married. What should I do? Dogbert: Divorce your husband. He sounds like a loser to me. Woman: Yes, yes, it all makes sense when you explain it that way. Dogbert: Then mail a dead woodchuck to your boss with a note that says... "Unlike this woodchuck, my love for you will never die." Woman: Thanks. I love your show. Dogbert: Moving on to household tips, did you know that black paint is an excellent stain remover? Dilbert: Can we talk? Dogbert: ...And those are just SOME of the benefits of an all-cheese diet. 
19970714	Boss: I've been asked to give a presentation at the trade show. I'd like you to put that together for me, Alice. Alice: What's your topic? Boss: Technology. They didn't say if I'm for it or against it. Alice: I'll leave some wiggle room. 
19970715	Alice: I've prepared your pointless presentation for the trade show. It's got the usual time-wasting filler: a graphic of Moore's law, a "Netscape" comparison, and ironically... ...It ends with an impassioned reminder to think in new ways. Boss: Maybe I should give out some awards, too. 
19970716	Asok: I only have thirty minutes and he's babbled for twenty-eight. Boss: Blah blah blah. Asok: It took three weeks to get on his calendar. My only hope is to send ESP messages for him to shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Carol: Nice try, but it's time for his next filibuster. Boss: Blah blah blah. 
19970717	Boss: Ten of our finest executives got together and created a statement of our core values. "We help the community and the world by producing state-of-the-art business solutions." Wally: I'm glad we didn't skimp and try to do that with only nine executives. Dilbert: Yeah. It might have sucked. (*Alternative ending that ran in some newspapers to avoid controversy:) Dilbert: Yeah. It might have been useless. 
19970718	Dilbert: Can you explain how the company's new "statement of core values" will change my behavior? I was planning to poison the town's water supply. But wait! It's against our core values! Boss: Is your sarcasm absolutely necessary? Dilbert: Let me check. Hmm...It's not addressed. 
19970719	Ratbert: Give me the name of any famous person. Dilbert: Sandra Bullock. Ratbert: Sandra Bullock was in a movie with Kevin Spacey...and Kevin Spacey eats bacon. See that? Everyone on Earth is only one degree away from someone named Kevin who eats bacon! Dilbert: That is SO close to being fascinating. 
19970720	Dilbert: As usual, I worked until midnight last night, Mom. Mom: Well, at least you made some extra money. Dilbert: I don't get paid for overtime. Mom: Well, at least it was important work. Dilbert: Not really. My boss made me change my "Powerpoint" slides, but the changes make them worse. Mom: Well, at least you're prepared for your meeting. Dilbert: It was canceled. But that's okay, because the project isn't funded anyway. Mom: So...you worked for free to worsen a presentation for a meeting that won't happen for a project that doesn't exist? Dilbert: Yup. Mom: Well...at least you could travel back in time without having any impact on history. Dilbert: Yeah, my glass is half full. 
19970721	Dilbert: Here's the agenda. The first hour will be U.B.R., as usual. Boss: This reminds me of my first job, before crash dummies were popular. Man, I spent a fortune on aspirin. Alice: What exactly is U.B.R.? Dilbert: Unfocused boss rambling. Only 58 minutes to go. 
19970722	Boss: ...And that's your performance review. Any questions? Asok: You talked about yourself for one full hour. Can we talk about me? Boss: Okay. YOU don't seem to know that YOUR meeting is over when YOU see me stand up. Asok: Ooh. 
19970723	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: I can't abuse people if they leave the company. I'd better find a way to reduce turnover. "All job titles will be changed as follows..." Wally: My new job title is..."Convicted Felon." Dilbert: That'll look good on the ol' resume. 
19970724	Dilbert: Our new job titles from human resources are demeaning and insulting! You've got to use your managerial influence to do something! Boss: My new card... Wally: How'd it go? Dilbert: I don't expect much help from the "Director of Learned Helplessness." 
19970725	Dogbert: Wish me luck. Dilbert: For what? Dogbert: I'm going to find people who laugh nervously every time they talk. Then I'll smack them with my flyswatter. Dilbert: And the reason would be? Dogbert: It wouldn't be a hobby if it had a reason. 
19970726	Boss: Alice, I found this article in a magazine. I highlighted the most important stuff to save you time. Alice: You highlighted the page numbers. Boss: It takes forever if you don't notice those. 
19970727	Caption: What if...Albert Einstein had been in marketing? Albert: I have a great idea for increasing sales. Boss: Nope. This will never work. Albert: Um...Is it possible that you don't fully understand the idea? Boss: That's quite an ego you have there, Allan. Albert: Albert. Boss: Experienced managers know how to identify bad ideas... Bad ideas come from other people. Now go work smarter, not harder. I worry that a guy like that will go off and build a huge bomb. 
19970728	Boss: Great news! Our strongest competitor offered to sell us their product line Dilbert: Obviously they think their products are not viable. We'd have to be amazingly stupid... Boss: And you'll be in charge of integrating their product line with ours. Dilbert: ...To work here. 
19970729	Dilbert: Tell me the truth. Use the engineer's secret code if you must. Are there any little problems with the technology that my managers agreed to buy from your company? Engineer: HA HA SNORT SNORT HA HA HA!!! Dilbert: 1100111...Good. Go on. 
19970730	Dilbert: It's my job to integrate the bad technology that our idiot boss bought with the good technology we already own. Your advice? Dogbert: Throw away the bad technology. Goof off until the next planned upgrade of the good technology. Tell your boss the improvements are a result of his brilliant buying decision. Dilbert: Wow. That's almost pure evil. Dogbert: You're welcome. 
19970731	Boss: Due to space constraints, some people will have to share cubicles. According to the list, your new roommate will be...the copy machine. Co-worker: Is it claustrophobic in here or is it just me? 
19970801	Alice: I hope we get more office space soon. Otherwise, I'll have to share my cubicle. If they send someone here, I'll arrange the usual "accident." Co-worker: Hi! (Sproing!) Wally: Wow. She got the box, too. 
19970802	Boss: You'll need to share your cubicle with the Elbonian audit team until we get more space. This is their holy week so I expect you to be open-minded and flexible. Dilbert: So, how do you celebrate the holy week? Elbonian: Wedgies, mostly. 
19970803	Instructor: Welcome to the employee rock-climbing seminar. You'll learn valuable teamwork skills by doing dangerous things unrelated to your jobs. Wally: Isn't rock climbing a solo activity? Dilbert: I'll help identify your body. Wally: It seems like you'd need a strong grip to climb rocks. I can't even open jars unless I use special tools. OW! OW! CRAMP!! I'M DISORIENTED BY THE PAIN! Dilbert: HEY! Instructor: Here are your diplomas. Now get out. All: Go team! 
19970804	Wally: I'm in charge of the office relocation. Where do you want your cubicle? Dilbert: What's this huge structure? Wally: Wallyville. It's two floors of luxury housing, shopping, and gambling. Dilbert: Do you think you might be abusing your power? Wally: What would be the other reasons to have power? 
19970805	Wally: According to the blueprints, your new cubicle has a support beam in it. Dilbert: At least I have a window view. It's 108 degrees by the window. But at least there's a breeze from the people who walk by and laugh. Dogbert: Don't let me slow your search for someone who's interested. 
19970806	Boss: We're going to try something called "open book management." We'll teach you to read the financial statements of this company. It's all very motivating. Wally: ...And our CEO got paid more than the entire capital budget. Alice: Is this what motivation feels like? 
19970807	Caption: Open book management. Boss: So you see, if you got a raise, our earnings growth wouldn't be smooth. And smooth earnings are good for who? Asok: Stock market analysts? Boss: Specifically the lazy ones. Asok: I'm fine, now that I understand. 
19970808	Dilbert: I appreciate your new "open book management" philosophy... For example, I've learned that we're repurchasing stock while I'm working unpaid overtime. Yet I remain highly motivated because I understand that income and equity are distinct concepts. Boss: Who said ignorance is bliss? Ha! 
19970809	Caption: Open book management. Willy: ...Then I sez, "Hey our debt to equity ratio is increasing." I leapt into action and started sweeping like I've never swept before! Then I sez, "Hey, why am I using a broom on carpets?" 
19970810	Boss: Announcing project "sparkle," the clean desk policy. This is a company-wide effort to keep out work spaces clean. Alice: Tiny question. I'm curious about one thing. I'm picturing our top executives in the "war room." They talk about the competitive threat and our lack of resources. Suddenly, panic sets in!! A lone voice of reason penetrates the confusion. Two words: "paper towels." Is that pretty much how it went? Boss: Moving along, each of you gets a laminated card with our mission statement. Wally: Let me do this one. 
19970811	Dogbert: I have a new method for blowing off the idiots who ask questions. I say, "That information is on my web page. Shoo, shoo." Dilbert: What happens when they find out it isn't. Dogbert: I'll say, "You must have misunderstood your question." 
19970812	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Catbert: Here's the new "clean desk" policy, Wally. Wally: "Employees must lick their workplaces clean at the end of each business day." Do they seriously think we're this spineless and stupid? Boss: Ahm nah chanthing it. 
19970813	Dilbert: There's a rumor the company is moving to South Dakota for tax reasons. Wally: Do you seriously think they would disrupt the lives of thousands of employees just to save money on taxes? Dilbert: I think they'd kill us in our sleep and sell our organs if the return on investment was good. Wally: Stop it. I'll be afraid to sleep in my cubicle now. 
19970814	Dilbert: There's a rumor that my company will move to South Dakota. But I don't believe it. Dogbert: South Dakota...Isn't that where your CEO grew up? Maybe he wants to be near his parents to get free baby-sitting. Dilbert: That is the most cynical thought I have ever heard in my life. Dogbert: Thanks. I'm blushing under my fur. 
19970815	Dogbert: I've asked Bob the dinosaur to call your CEO and give him a telewedgie. Dilbert: Will that stop him from relocating the company? Bob: ...Now hold the phone behind you at belt level. Dogbert: Stranger things have happened, albeit not often. (Yank.) Phone: Aaiee!! 
19970816	Dilbert: I notice you only have one trash container with you... Whereas I have two containers -- one for trash and one for recyclable materials. One theory is that you make two separate trips to each cubicle... Janitor: Could you turn around for a second? 
19970817	Wally: I have a vague feeling of uncertainty. It gets stronger at the office. The uncertainty saps my strength. My briefcase is getting heavier. Must...get...to...cubicle. The uncertainty feels like a piano upon my chest. Boss: I decided to reorganize. Or maybe downsize. Unless there's a merger. Wally: I summon the unholy demons of apathy, sarcasm and cynicism!! Good thinking! Reorganizations always increase profits! Boss: Wow. Third time today. 
19970818	Boss: You'll be on the task force to recruit the smartest college seniors to work here. Remember to lie often. And don't mock them for their lack of real life experience. Recruit: So you're saying meetings are just like parties? Dilbert: Well, I'm not allowed to say the "o-word"... 
19970819	Caption: Recruiting on campus. Recruit: I have better offers from twelve companies. Why should I work at yours? I'll see what I can do for you. Dilbert: Do you have enough copies of my resume? 
19970820	Caption: Recruiting on campus. Dilbert: Nice to meet you... (Crush.) AAEEII! Recruit: I have to be honest; your company isn't my first choice. 
19970821	Caption: Recruiting on campus. Recruit: It's funny that YOU're judging ME. My engineering knowledge is current and yours is ancient. I think I impressed him with my confidence. Ooh! People skills! I forgot! (Bonk bonk bonk.) 
19970822	Dogbert: Ratbert, I want you to wear this pager at all times. I'll set it to vibrate. Ratbert: YEEHAA!! Dogbert: No one has actually paged you yet. Ratbert: It gets BETTER?!! 
19970823	Ratbert: Envy me, Bob. I have a digital pager and you don't. Bob: I don't need one. My digital PCs phone has a built-in pager function. Ratbert: Oh, wow. But the worst part is that he only uses it to clean his ears. Dilbert: I taught him that. The vibrating action is excellent. 
19970824	Presenter: We have the results of the employee communications survey. The number one problem is "fear of giving negative news to managers." Slide: Negative News. Boss: What?! Why haven't I heard this before? Presenter: Well...Maybe because its negative news? Boss: Do you have a solution or did you just come to insult me? Engineers: Don't get involved. Presenter: Ooh...um...Maybe if we wait a few days it will take care of itself. Boss: Fine. Next. Presenter: Happily, there are no other communication problems whatsoever. Heh heh. Boss: I wonder why so many problems go away on their own. Dilbert: I have no comment at this time. 
19970825	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Alice, you have to use your vacation time or you'll lose it. But if you take time off, you'll miss your deadlines. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! This is embarrassing. I laughed myself fuzzy. 
19970826	Wally: It's a shame you have to work during your vacation. The same thing happened to me. Alice: Really? Wally: Actually, in my case I went on vacation when I was supposed to be working. But the concept is the same. Apparently she wasn't looking for empathy. 
19970827	Asok: I admire your work ethic, Alice. You're even working during your vacation. It must be hard to remain motivated when you know you can never break through the glass ceiling. Alice: So, it looks like it's just tile after all. 
19970828	Dogbert: I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator. Dilbert: Why? Dogbert: I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power. This new Ethernet card could solve your problem. Would you like a sniff before I throw it in a big pile in my office? 
19970829	Caption: Dogbert the network systems administrator. Dogbert: The software manuals are locked in this room. I don't let users have manuals, for reasons that could only be described as mean-spirited. Wally: Is there any way we can meet half-way on this? Dogbert: Hey, that door didn't always have a window. 
19970830	Caption: Dogbert the network systems administrator. Dogbert: Wally, did you know your e-mail system isn't private? I've compiled a binder with all of your off-color humor, unkindly references to co-workers, naughty propositions, and admissions of theft. Wally: Where is this heading? Dogbert: I'd like you to sing that question while hopping on one foot. 
19970831	Dilbert: I'll make a quick copy, then we can discuss it. Boss: No, no, I'll have my secretary do that. Dilbert: That will take longer. Boss: It's more cost-effective. We're highly-paid professionals. Carol is...well...I don't know if we pay her at all. Now we're free to do high-level planning. Dilbert: Um...We kinda need that document. Carol: Ooh, time for lunch. Boss: So...Do you fish? 
19970901	Message: "This is Dogbert the network systems administrator, to all ignorant employees." Dogbert: He who controls your information controls you. I control your information. Message: "The board of directors has appointed me emperor for life. Bring the pointy-haired boss to me." Boss: Uh-oh! The escape key isn't working! 
19970902	Caption: Dogbert: company emperor. Dogbert: Tell the employees to get wheelbarrows to carry my salary out of here. Turn out the lights when you're done. You're all downsized. Shoo! Caption: The media loved him. Reporter: Can we call you "Buzz Saw Dogbert"? Dogbert: I bought your parent company today. You're downsized. Shoo! 
19970903	Caption: Dogbert: company emperor. Dogbert: I don't like to call what I'm doing "downsizing." It sounds too negative. I like to call it "wedgiesizing." Now clean out your desk and shoo! (Yank!) Bob: He didn't take that very well. Dogbert: You can't please everyone, Bob. 
19970904	Dogbert: I've downsized this company and plundered its equity by exercising my massive stock options. Yet my victory seems hollow. Something is missing. Dilbert: Maybe you're missing a sense of meaningful contribution to society. Dogbert: Maybe...but I'm thinking book deal and trophy wife. 
19970905	Dogbert: Since I'm the major breadwinner here, I decided to name the house "Dogbert manor." And I've decided to name you Jennifer because I like the name. Dilbert: I don't know why I bought this. It's just a box full of electronics that you can look at. Dogbert: Shut up, Jennifer. 
19970906	Advisor: We can handle your investments so you can retire and live off the earnings. Just sign this incomprehensible contract, hand all your money to total strangers and relax! We'll need to know what your tolerance to risk is. Dogbert: I think I just maxed out. 
19970907	Dogbert: This is Dogbert's technical support. How may I disconnect you? Wally: What are my choices? Dogbert: I recommend the abrupt disconnect; Simple, gets the job done. Wally: I had that last time. What else do you have? Dogbert: You might like our "please hold," followed by the "wrong button," disconnect. Wally: Too predictable. Do you have anything new? Dogbert: Try our "Kevorkian disconnect." I put you on hold and play an annoying message until you disconnect yourself. Message: Your call is important. Please hold while we ignore it...Your call is important... Wally: Not bad. 
19970908	Dilbert: It's been a stressful day. Luckily I have this little balloon full of sand to squeeze to reduce my stress. Oops. (Piff.) Boss: You need a new kybard? What's a kybard? Dilbert: JUST SIGN THE STUPID THING!!! 
19970909	Wally: I'm thinking of growing a beard to disguise the fact that I have no chin. Then I'll get some loose sweaters to disguise the fact that I have no waist. Alice: Maybe you should get a Sherlock Holmes outfit to disguise the fact that you have no clue. Wally: Maybe some mannequins as friends... 
19970910	Carol: Have a nice flight. Remember to turn on your laptop computer during takeoff. Boss: I thought they tell you to turn it OFF. Carol: Off?!! How would they transfer control to you if they had trouble? Pilot: TURN OFF THAT !*#% LAPTOP!! Boss: No way! I have to land this baby! ...Can I do that in "Excel"? 
19970911	Alice: I just heard that the pointy-haired boss's plane crashed. Wally: I must admit I have mixed feelings. Dilbert: You don't know if you should mourn or celebrate, right? Wally: No, I mean celebrate or leave early. Asok: Hurry if you want some cake. 
19970912	Wally: Now that our boss is presumed dead, I find out I LIKE to work. Dilbert: I finished three projects today! Alice: I lost five pounds, gave up coffee, and applied for seven patents! Dilbert: Go, Alice! Wally: Life without management is like paradise! Tina: Who wants to spoon-hug? 
19970913	Alice: Work has been great since our boss went down on the jet! Dilbert: Uh-oh. Boss: I survived with only minor hair injuries. I was lucky to be on a flight that had a hundred nuns onboard! Alice: So you were saved by prayer? Boss: No, padding. They don't do a lot of aerobics at the nunnery. 
19970914	Boss: Carol, I forget...How do I address an envelope? Carol: I'll do it. I'm training him to be helpless. It's part of my master plan to eliminate him. I do everything for him. Soon he'll lose his ability to solve small problems alone. Then I'll "accidentally" book him on a one-way trip to South Korea. Before he goes, I'll tell him they have a death penalty for speaking English. We'll never see him again. BUWAHAHA!!! Dilbert: It's worth a shot. Boss: Carol, what do I dial for an outside line? Carol: I'll do it. 
19970915	Mordac: I am Mordac the refuser. I am here to discuss your request for a computer upgrade. (Crinkle! Mmphh! Chomp chomp chomp!) We lotht thuh pahperwuhk. Wally: That's a huge surprise. Luckily I made seventy-five extra copies. 
19970916	Mordac: I am Mordac the preventer, your liaison from the information technology department. I come with tales of resource shortages. Your request for our services is denied. Alice: I didn't request any of your services. Mordac: Don't try your reverse psychology on me. 
19970917	Alice: I'm not using reverse psychology! I really don't need anything from the information technology department. Mordac: Curse you! You know our goal is to give you the opposite of what you want. If you want nothing we must give you everything! Dilbert: Please tell me how you got them to do this. Alice: Watch me launch the space shuttle! 
19970918	Dogbert: For those of you who joined us late, this is Bob the dinosaur. He lives with Dilbert and me. Bob: Hi. Dogbert: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They're just hiding behind furniture. Bob: This is Dawn, my mate, and little Rex. Dogbert: You'll notice that they use a lot of space and they aren't very relevant. Bob: I think Rex has my eyes. 
19970919	Dogbert: There's not enough room for all of you dinosaurs. One of you must be downsized. Bob: If it helps, these spikey things are a safety hazard. And little Rex ate your Ficus tree. Dogbert: Thanks for being professional about this, Bob. Bob: When you put him in good light, how cute is he really? 
19970920	Dogbert: Should the dinosaurs be downsized? You decide their fate. Caption: Vote by e-mail: dinosaurs@unitedmedia.com. A. I love the dinosaurs! B. Stick to office jokes! C. No talking animals! D. I don't have any opinions but I like to vote! E. Get rid of everyone so I can use the blank space for notes. Ratbert: There's a Jimmy Carter here to monitor the voting. Dogbert: Uh-oh. 
19970921	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Another evil policy. I'm a happy cat. Purr purr. Boss: "Casual clothes will not be allowed this Friday..." "...Because we had Hawaiian shirt day on Wednesday." Alice: Um...Can you explain the logic here? Boss: We're only allowed one casual day per week. Alice: Why? Boss: If we had TWO casual days, obviously it would have an impact on earnings. Wally: Does stupidity have an impact on our earnings, too, or is it just bad clothes? Boss: We're only sure about bad clothes. Dilbert: Alice, you're killing us with that outfit. 
19970922	Wally: Look at the "Rolex" watch I got from a vendor. Dilbert: Do you know there's a corporate limit of fifty dollars for vendor gifts? Wally: Sure. Dilbert: And you know that's a maximum not a minimum. Wally: Ooh. Maybe that's why he whined when I took it off his arm. 
19970923	Wally: Do you realize this is our third date? Vendor: We're not dating. I'm a vendor and you're my client. You always say the only time we can meet is during lunch. That way I'm obligated to pay for it. Wally: You're feisty. I'd better get the oysters. Vendor: Make sale first. Then kill client. 
19970924	Boss: I'm putting you in charge of getting ISO 14000 certification. Dilbert: What's the difference between that and ISO 9000? Boss: Oh, about 6000. Ha ha ha ha!! Hey, I think I'll use that one at the stockholder meeting. Dilbert: Yeah, that'll wake them up. 
19970925	Dogbert: I understand it's your job to make sure your company can pass an ISO 14000 inspection. And I understand that your company PAYS the inspector for EACH inspection. Dilbert: So? Caption: Dogbert: ISO 14000 inspector. Dogbert: You fail again. That's $10,000 please. Dilbert: Next time, could you actually walk around and look at stuff? 
19970926	Wally: I didn't use my brain this week. I listened to things I already knew; I waited for people who were late; I was a passenger in my car pool. Boss: Let's start the staff meeting. Wally: YES!! KEEPING THE STREAK ALIVE! 
19970927	Boss: We have to improve our image in the Internet community. Dilbert: Let's do a mass unsolicited e-mail campaign to tell people how nice we are. Dogbert: You have the look of a man who was just put in charge of implementing his own sarcastic suggestion. 
19970928	Boss: Get my approval at each phase. Finish in one month. Alice: Let's see...You're on vacation next week. Then you're traveling. Then there's your executive retreat... ...It takes three weeks to get on your calendar...And the project has six phases. What we have here is guaranteed failure. You've left nothing to chance on this one. I mean, normally there's a bit of uncertainty, but you've...Oh. You've slipped into the "boss zone" where you can't see or hear employee input. Boss: It's weird. I lost ten minutes. And when I woke up, my doughnuts were gone. 
19970929	Asok: I have a question about this document marked "proprietary." If I spent my entire life searching, do you think I could find ANYONE who would care about this? Dilbert: As you gain experience, you'll realize that all logical questions are considered insubordination. 
19970930	Dogbert: I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube. Dilbert: That would include everyone on Earth except you and me. Dogbert: Lean over here. 
19971001	Caption: People with bad opinions. Man: The Internet should be free. Why should I have to pay some greedy corporation or look at ads??!! Dogbert: I will now use this cardboard tube to explain the intricacies of capitalism. Lesson one: THIS was something that should be free. 
19971002	Dilbert: Uh-oh. All of the stupid people you've insulted have formed a mob and surrounded our house. Moron: We don't have to take this abuse. Let's see how long he can survive without water! Signs: Doun with Dogbert. Dilbert: They're taking turns putting our hose in their mouths. I think they're trying to drink all of our water. 
19971003	Caption: A mob of stupid people attack Dogbert's house. Moron 1: Our plan to drink all of his hose water isn't working. Sign: Doun with Dogbert. Moron 1: Hey, careful! You're getting water all over the grass... Moron 2: Wait, that gives me an idea!! Sign: Doun with Dogbert. Dilbert: How's the attack going? Dogbert: They tried to ruin our lawn by spraying water on it. But now it's turned into a hose fight. 
19971004	Alice: Ahhh...It's going to be a glorious day of telecommuting. There's nothing here to distract me. It's just me... ...And my talking refrigerator. Fridge: I'll bet you can't eat a whole jar of pickles. 
19971005	Dilbert: Mom, guess what...I got promoted! You're talking to the new "executive engineer." No...nobody reports to me. No...it's the same pay as before. But I do get a LOT more responsibility! She's going to throw a party for me! Mom: No...no gifts. No...no music. No...no food. No...no guests. Dilbert: I guess it's just you and me. Mom: I'm busy that day. Dilbert: I'm not allowed to get new business cards, but I can write my new title on the old ones! Dogbert: Zzzz. 
19971006	Woman: I like men who know how to communicate... But not a man who only talks about sports, or computers, or his job, or TV, or sex, or jokes, or his accomplishments... Dilbert: That would leave...Greek mythology...and...you. Woman: No Greek stuff. 
19971007	Woman: I had fun talking to you tonight, Gilbert. It got a little boring when you tried to steer the conversation away from me. But I managed to shut you down by looking uninterested. Dilbert: It's Dilbert, not Gilbert. Woman: YAWN. 
19971008	Phone: How do you like telecommuting, Alice? Alice: It's good, except I've developed a tendency to snack. (GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG.) Phone: I'm sure you'll keep your discipline. Alice: I LOVE "zesty Italian" dressing. Burp* 
19971009	Alice: Telecommuters can eat any time they want, just like wild animals. There's only one way they'll ever get me back in the cubicle. Boss: Here's the plan. You'll need tranquilizer darts, a flatbed truck and a giant shoehorn. Asok: No harpoon? 
19971010	Boss: Come out of there, Alice! We know you're telecommuting! Alice: NEVER! I'M FREE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO A CUBICLE!! Dang. 
19971011	Dilbert: I ask for so little. And boy do I get it. 
19971012	Boss: I have to make a quick phone call. Dilbert: Do you want to make small talk? Wally: No. I brought a magazine. Dilbert: Could you tear out a few pages for me to read? Wally: That wouldn't be right. Dilbert: Give me some pages or else I'll ask Alice about panty hose. Wally: You wouldn't dare. Dilbert: So, Alice, what do you think of the concept of panty hose? Alice: AARGH!! WHAT MORON INVENTED LEG COVERS THAT CAN BE DESTROYED BY TOUCHING A TWIG?! Wally: Here! Make it stop!! Dilbert: Too late. Alice: LOOK AT THIS!!! 
19971013	Dogbert: I'm starting a mutual fund for investors who aren't bright enough to know their alternatives. It must be a huge market. Otherwise most people would invest in index funds. Dilbert: What's an index fund? Dogbert: Ouch, ouch! You're making me wag too hard! 
19971014	Caption: The Dogbert mutual find. Dogbert: As you know, past performance is no indication of future performance. So my strategy is to use your entire investment for my personal expenses and see what happens. Investor: Has that strategy ever worked before? Dogbert: Geez, it's like I'm talking to a wall here. 
19971015	Dogbert: Studies have shown that monkeys can pick stocks better than most professionals. That's why the Dogbert mutual fund employs only monkeys. Yes, our fees are high, but I don't apologize for hiring the best. 
19971016	Caption: Dogbert mutual fund. Bob: I don't understand why any intelligent investor would put money in a fund that has no track record. Dogbert: I try to steer clear of intelligent investors. Investor: Here's my life savings. Do you want my name and address? Dogbert: No, I trust you. 
19971017	Caption: The Dogbert mutual fund. Dilbert: Is it hard to write an earnings report after you steal the investors' money? Dogbert: Nah. I'll just compare my fund's performance with to the S&P 500 under a common set of assumptions. Dilbert: Oh. Investor 1: How did our Dogbert fund do? Investor 2: "Ten percent better than the S&P 500 if it were also managed by an unscrupulous dog!" 
19971018	Reporter: My guest today on "money chatter" is the head of the "Dogbert mutual fund." It's reported that your fund is the highest performer of the decade. Tell us how you made that happen. Dogbert: Okay. Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him. 
19971019	Caption: Catbert: the evil director of human resources. Catbert: You're next. Monitor: Victims - Wally. Catbert: Wally, you've been randomly selected for an employee drug test. Wally: Randomly? Why am I the only one who gets picked every week?! Catbert: You're very unlucky at work. But I'm sure you compensate by being lucky at love. HA HA HA HA HA HA. Anyway...Our new drug test uses hair samples... To be safe, give me six hairs...and one whole eyebrow. I'll come back in an hour and say I lost the box. Purr purr purr. 
19971020	Dogbert: I'm going into the sports memorabilia business. I've heard that most autographs are forgeries, so my initial investment will be low. Can I interest you in a baseball signed by Moses? Dilbert: Wow! That's got to be worth something. 
19971021	Caption: Sports memorabilia. Customer: This is the best price I've seen for a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth. But I don't see where the autograph is. Dogbert: It gets autographed later tonight. Customer: I'll take this and three of the Honus Wagner cards. 
19971022	Dilbert: You say this football was autographed by Jesus... But I'm no fool. This isn't a football. It has no stitches. Dogbert: They healed. Dilbert: Wow! Dogbert: And I think I heard it oink. 
19971023	Caption: Autographs for sale. Customer: Wow...A softball signed by Martin Luther, leader of the Protestant reformation. I'm impressed, but what I'm looking for is something signed by Martin Luther KING JR. Too bad you don't have anything from him. Dogbert: Check back in ten minutes. 
19971024	Dogbert: If you want to be promoted, you have to be highly visible. Ask questions at meetings. But make them easy so you don't embarrass your boss. Dilbert: ...So if there's an accident in a company car, where should we bury the survivors? Boss: I usually put them in the trunk. 
19971025	Wally: I've been seeing a beautiful woman. But something came between us. Dilbert: Her curtains? Wally: Venetian blinds. Totally unforgiving. Dilbert: Maybe she got spooked when you put the lawn chair in her yard. 
19971026	Boss: It has come to my attention that one of you has a social life. Wally: There must be some mistake. Boss: We can't be successful until our social lives are worse than the industry average. Our competitors spend the nights in their cubicles. They eat from vending machines. Someone here has NOT shown the same level of competitive spirit. Someone had a social activity last night! Asok: I'm sorry! I thought they were friends...but they were only recruiting for a multi-level marketing network!!! Dilbert: What were they selling? Asok: Edible wax fruit...brochure? 
19971027	Boss: Alice, I've noticed a disturbing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try LAST. Alice: With all due respect, are you using your skull to store old rags or what? Boss: It's a good thing you said "with all due respect." 
19971028	Alice: I discovered that our pointy-haired boss doesn't know he's being insulted if you say "with all due respect" first. Wally: I love the intangible benefits of this job. With all due respect, is that your face or is a monkey climbing down your collar headfirst? 
19971029	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: I can't raise your salary level because you don't have ten years experience with "Java" coding. Wally: Nobody has ten years experience with new technology! You're just being evil. Admit it. And could you PLEASE shake your head back and forth instead of spinning it around? 
19971030	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: There are several mandatory classes for managers. - Avoiding contact with subordinates. - Misplacing important documents. - The joy of listening to your own voice. Have you taken the prerequisite class in time management? Boss: Twice. 
19971031	Caption: Manager training. Instructor: Never be in the same room as a decision. Board: Decision -- you. Instructor: I'll illustrate my point with a puppet show that I call... "Journey To Blameville," starring "Suggestion Sam" and "Manager Meg." 
19971101	Caption: Manager training. Instructor: You will often be asked to comment on things you don't understand. Board: ? Instructor: These handouts contain nonsense phrases that can be used in any situation. Boss: ...So let's dominate our industry...with quality implementation of methodologies. Wally: I'll get right on it. 
19971102	Caption: Marketing department. Marketer: Hey! It's a magazine! Caption: Engineering department. Speaker: Danger! A magazine has been discovered in marketing! Alice: Marketing has a magazine! Dilbert: Gasp. Gather the other engineers. We must get that magazine. Alice: Check. Sign: War room. Dilbert: We think it was a careless mistake by someone in the mail department. As you know, there is nothing more dangerous than a marketing person with a little bit of knowledge. We know where the magazine will be read. We need nets, rope and tranquilizer darts. Marketer: I'll have to ask engineering to build one of these space stations... Door: Men. (Phoot.) 
19971103	Bob: I'm starting my own business as a masseur. My specialty will be in-office chair massages for cubicle dwellers. Wally: Were you planning to touch my BACK at any point? Bob: It's a CHAIR massage, pervert. 
19971104	Boss: We need COBOL programmers for our millennium problem. If you seen anyone who looks like a COBOL programmer, let me know. Dilbert: Turn around. Boss: Are you a COBOL programmer? Bob: No, but I'm often told I look like one. Boss: You're hired. 
19971105	Boss: You two will be in charge of rewriting our COBOL code to fix the millennium problem. I realize you've never worked with COBOL before, Asok. That's why I'm teaming you with Bob, so you can learn from his vast experience. Asok: So you recommend waiting for a meteor to kill us all. Bob: The glaciers are way too slow. 
19971106	Bob: Most problems go away if you wait long enough, Asok. It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for our problems to go away. Boss: There's been a reorganization... Bob: I don't know why this works, but it does. 
19971107	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: You don't need to reward employees. Just torture them less. It will feel the same as a reward. Boss: You may skip my staff meeting this week, Alice. 
19971108	Boss: We'll need a risk analysis on this project before I can approve it. Report: Risk 1: indecisiveness. Risk 2: overanalysis. Risk 3: cluelessness. Risk 4: micromanagement... (Click click click) Boss: I don't understand these risks. Dilbert: That's number thirty-six. 
19971109	Boss: The theme of our engineering conference is... "Employees are our most valuable asset." And like most assets, you decline in value over time. I know what you're thinking: not all assets decline in value. For example, fine art is worth more every year. But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon. On your way out, Mister Catbert will give each of you a certificate of depreciation. Wally: It's still better than last year's theme, "have you earned your air today?" 
19971110	Inspector: I'm with the cubicle police. This is a safety violation. Wally: It's perfectly sake unless you tap it with a flashlight or a dog jumps on it. Dilbert: This plays right into my theory that cubicles are living organisms. 
19971111	Alice: I heard that a stack of your papers fell over and killed a cubicle cop. Wally: Mmm. Alice: What did you do with the body? Wally: I enrolled it in the quality workshop next door. Dilbert: It's a temporary solution. Wally: The workshop is only three days. 
19971112	Dilbert: ...Well, that depends on many factors involving features and usage. Marketer: Do you engineers have a secret pact to withhold all useful information? You haven't answered one question and it's already...um... Dilbert: Two o'clock. Wally: We hear you gave information to marketing. Dilbert: Just the time of day. He would have found out anyway! 
19971113	Caption: Dogbert's dating advice. Dogbert: Women like men who have accomplishments. But they hate men who boast. I will be your designated bragger, allowing you to appear humble. Dilbert: One potential problem with this plan is that I have no accomplishments. Dogbert: If she isn't wearing makeup, we'll be honest too. 
19971114	Woman: Hi, Dilbert! Hi, Dogbert! Dilbert: Uh-oh. She's a hugger on the first date. I never know where my arms should go. I hope this doesn't seem awkward, but my watch is snagged on your bra strap. 
19971115	Dogbert: I loved it when you hugged your date and your arm got snagged on her blouse... And it was hilarious when you tried to free your arm and accidentally ripped her top off. But the best part was when you yelled, "I'm an engineer, not a diamond cutter, dang it!" Dilbert: Shut up. 
19971116	Boss: This is urgent. Stop what you're doing and work on it right now. Dilbert: Is it more urgent than what I was doing? Boss: I don't know what you were doing. Dilbert: Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent? Boss: You could work late and do both. Dilbert: Work late? Is this more important than my health? Boss: Forget it! I'll have Alice do it. Wally: Just out of curiosity, what ARE you doing? Dilbert: Playing "Quake." 
19971117	Boss: Tina, we're changing the job titles of all non-technical people. Collectively, you'll be known as our S.C.C. group. Tina: I like the sound of it - very dignified. We were beginning to feel like second-class citizens. What's S.C.C. stand for? 
19971118	Dilbert: All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it. Caption: Dogbert's research company. Man: What a coincidence. We BOTH lost three homes in flood zones. Dogbert: Let's begin. 
19971119	Dogbert Research Co.  Dogbert:  You've all been carefully selected for this ficus group.  Each of you has a pattern of making "loser choices."  I'll tell  my clients to do the opposite of whatever you recommend. Group member 1: Fun! I'm glad I skipped jury duty to be here. Group member 2: I rescheduled my liver transplant! 
19971120	Dogbert Research Co.  Dogbert: First question: What would you losers do od a small dog with glasses took advantage of you? Group member 1: We would complain to the ...um.. whoever handles that sort of thing! Group member 2: Yeah! Bureau of dogs Group member 1: It costs fifty bucks to file a complaint? Dogbert:  And ten bucks to borrow a pen.
19971121	Catbert: Evil H.R. director  Catbert:  The company has no implied contract to keep you employed, Wally. But we expect total loyalty out of you.   Wally: I really, really wish you wouldn't do your face stretching exercises here every morning!  Catbert: 1-2-3...
19971122	Alice: A new fog is rolling in. Dilbert: This can only mean one thing. Pointy haired boss: Carol, schedule a staff meeting. It's time to reorganize the department.
19971123	Pointy haired boss: Whne you show this to our VP, put in some revenue figures. Alice: There's no revenue.  All we're doing is upgrading our network.  Pointy haired boss: I might have told him the project has revenues. Pointy haired boss: Let's not confuse him by changing the story now. Alice: Yi-yi-yi  O-o-o-Okay.  How much revenue do you want?  A million dollars? Pointy haired boss:  I might have told him it was more. Alice: Just tell me what lie to use !!! Pointy haired boss:  Can't you calculate it on a spreadsheet? Alice: Must.. control... fist... of... death...
19971124	Telephone repair man: I'm here to install your ISDN phone line. This  will only take twenty minutes... unless something unexpected happens. Dilbert: Great, because I need it tomorrow. Telephone repair man: Oh-oh... your wire goes into a little hole in the wall.
19971125	Installing an ISDN line Telephone repair man: First we need to make sure your phone line is connected to our network.  I'll yank the wire while you listen for a "wump" sound at the central office. Dilbert: I heard something. 
19971126	Installing an ISDN line  Telephone repair man: These digital phone lines require a very different installation process.  You'll have to show me your SPIDS now.  Dogbert: What happened after the slap fight? Dilbert: Then it got awkward.
19971127	Dilbert: The installation is successful.  I have 128 kilobits per second of digital access to the internet.  As tradition requires, I do the engineers victory dance. Dogbert: ...So if I have to kill him, the jury will realize it was justified. Ratbert: Could you hurry?
19971128	 Unseen female employee: This is an authentic baby, less than one week old.  As I feed this authentic baby in front of you, recall how big my stomach was last week. So, do I need a note from my doctor to explain my absence. Pointy haired boss: Yes, unless you can prove where Mickey Rooney is right now. 
19971129	Pointy haired boss: From now on we'll only hire people with masters degrees from the top colleges. Wally: I don't have  masters degree from a top college.  I'm insulted by this new policy. Pointy haired boss: And new hires must be this tall to work here. Wally: Hey!!
19971130	Dilbert: Ken, may we have a word with you? Wally: We heard that you gave an interesting presentation athe the sales staff meeting. Ken: Thanks Dilbert: Our spies gave us copies of your slides.  You told them that our new product kills mold and mildew. Ken: Won't it? Dilbert and Wally:  We make software! Ken: So? Haven't you ever heard of the placebo effect? Stunned silence Pointy haired boss: ... In company news, our entire sales force shriveled up and died for no apparent reason. 
19971201	Pointy haired boss: Asok, at this company, we think our interns are as important as minks to a mink coat. Asok: Um... minks do not enjoy any of the benefits of the mink coat. Pointy haired boss: And they're good eatin', too! Asok: I must report you to the analogy police.
19971202	Signs: Analogy police, open. Asok: My boss said I was as important as a mink is to a mink coat. Phil: That sounds fine to me. Asok: But the mink dies. Phil: I guess you won't be leaving a full fifteen percent tip. 
19971203	Asok: Are you sure this is where I report the misuse of analogies? You're dressed very odd. Phil: It's casual day. Asok: That's the most frightening outfit I've ever seen. Phil: You haven't seen me in bicycle pants. 
19971204	Phil: I used to be Phil, the ruler of heck. My pitchspoon was feared by all who committed minor sins. Then I made the mistake of merging with a company that makes non-alcoholic beer. I was ousted. THEY SAID WE'D HAVE SYNERGY!!! Asok: Maybe it was just a bad pun. 
19971205	Phil: Can you help me write a resume? Dogbert: Yes, for a large fee. Phil: How do I know you're qualified? Dogbert: Check my resume. Phil: I'm having trouble believing that you invented coffee. Dogbert: Check my patent. 
19971206	Caption: Career counseling. Phil: I'd be good at any job involving sin. Perhaps something in the Bingo field...or maybe budget work. Dogbert: How about marketing? Phil: I HAVE a soul. It's just a small one. Dogbert: Gotcha. No marketing...no auditing...no garment manufacturing. 
19971207	Wally: It is my pleasure to present the weekly "Wally status report." This week I developed what I call "process pride." It all started when I realized I have no impact on earnings. Obviously I can't take pride in the RESULTS of my work. Dilbert: Obviously. Wally: But I need pride. Otherwise, how could I maintain my high level of morale? So I learned to take pride in my processes instead of my results. Everything I do is still pointless, but I'm very proud of the way I do it. Boss: Is that all you did this week? Wally: Hey, I'm only one person. 
19971208	Dogbert: When you're with a woman, everything you say will lower her opinion of you. Dilbert: But I can give her compliments, right? Dogbert: NO! That's the worst thing! Women keep a log of all compliments. They analyze the pattern to recognize negative trends. Dilbert: Should I use my real name? 
19971209	Dilbert: Grunt grunt. You're absolutely right. Grunt grunt grunt. Grunt grunt grunt. Woman: Someone coached you well for this date. You haven't said anything I object to yet. Machine: Date-alyzer. Dilbert: Grunt. Woman: I see cubicle fibers...You have an office job. 
19971210	Dilbert: Grunt grunt. You're right. Grunt. Woman: All you do is grunt and agree with me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. You're an excellent conversationalist... Dilbert: It's a trap. Aw, shucks. I'm not excellent at anything. Woman: You're TOO perfect. You've been COACHED! 
19971211	Woman: Sooner or later you'll say something that will lower my opinion of you. Dilbert: Grunt. Woman: Men are like time bombs. At any moment you'll say something that will ruin the magic. Dilbert: I'm an engineer. Woman: AAARGH!! KILL ME!! KILL ME!! Dilbert: I'll give you one kiss, no tongue. 
19971212	Asok: I finished all of my work. Can I go home early? Boss: No. You're an "exempt" employee. That means you're exempt from having a life. Asok: I guess I could clench an unimportant document and shuffle around in quiet desperation. Boss: That's the spirit! 
19971213	Alice: We'll probably have to work all night on this presentation, Asok. Asok: That's brilliant! You plan to use your inefficiency to make your procrastination look like martyrdom! Alice: Now I have to kill you. Asok: Please do. Reincarnation is my only hope. 
19971214	Boss: We don't have a cubicle available for you yet, Bruce. So I'm declaring this part of the carpet to be yours. If someone goes to a meeting, you can sneak into his cubicle and use the phone. Our computer budget is gone, but we have an old monitor that you can put on top of your briefcase. Bruce: Can I put tape on the carpet to mark my boundary? Boss: That won't be necessary, thanks to this hi-tech device. Bruce: A dog collar? Boss: It will give you a mild shock if you cross your invisible boundary. Alice: The new guy hasn't left that spot for a week. Dilbert: Wally taught him to beg for food. 
19971215	Boss: Dilbert, I hired some contract employees from North Elbonia to help on your project. Dilbert: North Elbonia is an evil totalitarian regime. My project will create top secret military technology to use against them. Boss: Sure, but you have to weight that against the fact that they're willing to work for free. 
19971216	Dilbert: I'm a LITTLE concerned about your hiring communist North Elbonian Contractors to help on my top secret military project. Boss: Don't worry. What's the worst thing that could happen? Dilbert: I could be executed for treason. Boss: Talk to our legal department. Dilbert: Could I opt for the execution instead? 
19971217	Caption: The company lawyer. Dilbert: I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be EXECUTED. Can you help? Lawyer: Sure. What would I have to do -- pull a lever? 
19971218	Elbonian 1: Don't worry that we'll take any military technology secrets back to North Elbonia. Elbonian 2: We signed these little agreements that say we won't. Elbonians: HA HA HA HA HA!! Dilbert: Moving on... 
19971219	Dilbert: My project has hit a little snag. Our North Elbonian contractors stole our military technology for their belligerent homeland. They're building a huge laser to vaporize us. Boss: Next year, remind me to include contract employees in the team-building workshop. Alice: The floor is warm! 
19971220	Dilbert: ...The North Elbonians stole our military technology. We think they're building a huge laser to use against us. Dogbert: Ask Tina the tech writer to create a user manual for them. Remind Tina how the North Elbonians treat women. Caption: Later in North Elbonia. Elbonian: Okay...The timer is set...We're lined up in a single file...Now we sing a Helen Reddy song. 
19971221	Waly: I'm back from training. I got a big binder. Teh training is already forgotten, but the binder will last forever. Aliving monument to temporary knowledge! I'll put it in my cubicle with the others. Speaking of my cubical, which direction is it? Okay, thanks. That informatino should be in a binder. Dilbert: Did he approve funding for our project? Waly: Noy yet. Step one was to free up runds from the training budget.
19971222	Hi. I'm dan the illogical scientist. I'm much smarter than you because scientists have invented many things. Dilbert: But those are other scientists, not you. Apparently you don't understand science.
19971223	Dan the illogical scientist: Hi, I'm Dan, the illogical scientist. That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports from ideas that didn't work. You haven't even looked at my idea. Oh, I get it; you're one of those religious nuts.
19971224	Dan the illogical scientist: Hi, I'm Dan the illogical scientist. That software you're writing will never work, and I can prove it. Asok: I don't mean to be rude, but it's not logically possible to prove something can't be done. Dan: It's impossbile for most people, but I'm a trained scientist. Asok: Did the treining involved electric shocks?
19971225	Asok: You're my role model, Wally. Despite all the pressure and frustration, you press on. You bend but you do not break. Wally: My motto is "they can't break you if you don't have a spine." Asok: Wow. You're like a philosopher! 
19971226	Asok: My role model is using deception to improve his time management. Wally: Wally is dead. Sorry. Asok: And now the daily planning session. Wally: Zzzz. Alice: Asok, I don't think you've picked an ideal role model. Asok: Asok is dead. 
19971227	Caption: Wally the role model. Wally: There's an art to sarcasm, Asok. If you use your boss's own words, you can't be disciplined for insubordination. And do this with your lips. Asok: Today I focused my resources on adding value to the product process. Our shareholders would be delighted to know that. 
19971228	Dilbert: Making soup is easy for a highly trained engineer. Book: Cook book. Dilbert: I don't seem to have any "coarse sea salt." I'll just mix regular salt with water. Corn starch...Hmm...That's basically flour. Marjoram...I think that's French for butter. "Five inches of Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese rind." Uh-oh. Eggs are basically cheese that comes from chickens. Dogbert: Is this supposed to be served hot? Dilbert: You're thinking of Gazpacho. 
19971229	Ratbert: So, I'm thinking: What if every photon is just a densely packed universe, and to them, our universe looks like a photon? If I'm right, I might be the first rat to win a Nobel prize. Stranger things have happened. Dilbert: Name one. 
19971230	Ratbert: So...Each photon is a universe...Then mass is just a probability cluster? Garbageman: That's how I see it. Ratbert: Wow! I think my tiny skull is so full it's going to explode. Garbageman: Let me get a tarpaulin. Dogbert: Have you been talking to our garbage man again? Ratbert: Don't get too close. 
19971231	Garbageman: ...As your consciousness passes through each universe, you tend to follow a line of probability. Ratbert: Got it. Garbageman: And since it's more probable that matter is near other matter, you have the illusion of gravity as your consciousness moves toward the norm. Did you get all that, Ratbert? Ratbert: Hey, I'm not stupid. Does this Norm guy have a last name? 
19980101	Ratbert: I submitted our garbage man's theory to the Nobel prize committee. I hope I wrote the theory right. I don't know shorthand so I used pig Latin to save time. Caption: Nobel prize committee. Judge 1: What's an "oton-phay"? Judge 2: I love what you're doing with your hair. 
19980102	Caption: Nobel prize committee. Judge 1: Okay, we've narrowed it down to the theories we don't understand. In science, the simplest solution is usually the best. Which of these theories is the simplest solution? Judge 2: Well...That would be whatever is on top of the pile. Judge 3: Are we SURE we can't vote for ourselves? 
19980103	Ratbert: Now that you've won the Nobel prize, I guess you'll leave the garbage industry. Garbageman: No. I'd miss the action. I'd miss the smells...the sights...the people... Woman: I accidentally threw out a paper plate last week. Would you look for it? Garbageman: I'm kidding about the people part. 
19980104	Dilbert: I'll never get drunk. I don't want to be out of control. Dogbert: Are you in control at work? Dilbert: Well...no. Dogbert: Are you in control when you're on a date? Dilbert: I can't get a date. Dogbert: And whose idea was it to go on this walk? Dilbert: Yours. Are you saying I should get drunk? Dogbert: No. No. I'm saying the decision will be made by the beer companies. Dilbert: I hope they say it's okay. 
19980105	Dilbert: Did you go for a walk at lunch? Boss: Not exactly. I got a bomb threat. I didn't tell anyone else, just in case it was a hoax. Dilbert: It was only yesterday that I was saying my morale couldn't be lower. Boss: I bought a lottery ticket to increase the potential irony. 
19980106	Caption: Performance review. Boss: Alice, I had to ding you for not keeping me informed about your project. Alice: May I take a peek at your computer? You have twelve thousand unread messages. Boss: Well, it's a little late for that now. 
19980107	Dilbert: Let's see...It looks like you haven't signed Ted's card yet. (STAMP) Do you think "congratulations" is appropriate for a death in his family? Alice: You never know. 
19980108	Carol: Are you free on Thursday for Ted's surprise party? Wally: Party? You don't give a party for someone who has a death in his family. Carol: Well...We got him a card, then flowers. It just snowballed. Wally: I assume this will all be in good taste. Carol: I can't promise that. Karaoke is really hit or miss. 
19980109	Dilbert: Ted's brother was a mobster. Last week he was killed by a rival family's hit team. We got Ted a sympathy card, then it snowballed into a surprise party for tomorrow. My job is to write a funny song. Dogbert: For HE'S a buried good fellow...for he's a buried good fellow...which nobody can deny. Dilbert: Good. 
19980110	Pointy-haired boss to Dilbert: You'll have to write this in less technical terms for me ... Make it even less technical for my boss ... even less for our VP ... even less for our EVP ... much less for our CEO. Dilbert pointing to a projected slide of a "sad face":  ... and compared to all the other technologies, there's a big difference in the mouth area.
19980111	Boss: Wally, this is Rex Tangle, our newest employee. Rex was specially bred to work in a cubicle. Wally: He looks like he'll fit right in. Boss: Ask him about his personal life. Wally: Rex, how's your personal life going? Rex: I don't have one. That would be like stealing from the company. Wally: Do you eat lunch. Rex: I would enjoy a good square meal. Wally: Meet the future. Rex: Hello, you round pegs. 
19980112	Garbageman: Blind people often have excellent hearing. The brain compensates for any lost function by bolstering others. In all likelihood, Ratbert, you're so dumb that you have telekinetic power. Ratbert: Wow! I have the power to watch television! 
19980113	Dilbert: I will debunk your ludicrous claim of psychic ability with one hundred flips of this coin. Call it. Ratbert: Edge. Dilbert: That is just a coincidence. Ratbert: I call edge for the next 99 too. 
19980114	Dilbert: Just because you guessed a hundred coin flips in a row doesn't mean you're psychic. Coincidences do happen. Ratbert: I call seven rotations followed by inexplicable hovering and hen noises. Dilbert: That is luck...Luck, luck, luck, luck, luck! Ratbert: Are we done now? 
19980115	Dilbert: Is this the "skeptics association"? I need your help to prove my rat isn't psychic. My name is Dilbert. Yes I can prove it: I have a passport and a driver's license. Well, yeah, it's easy to get a fake ID, but... Caption: Hours later... Dilbert: ...Okay, what if I take a DNA test? NO, I CAN'T PROVE I'VE NEVER BEEN CLONED!! 
19980116	Dilbert: I'm glad the "skeptics association" sent you to debunk my rat's claims of ESP. Ken: The others don't go out much since their bad experiences as jurors on the O.J. Simpson trial. Dilbert: Well, I'm glad you could make it. Ken: Let's hurry. I have to debunk the so-called Hubble telescope later today. 
19980117	Caption: Ken the skeptic... Ken: I alone know the contents of this envelope. Ratbert: It's a charcoal drawing of a woodchuck eating a small orange. Ken: Nice try, you little fraud, but that's a long way from an ink drawing of a beaver eating a tangerine. 
19980118	Dogbert: Here's my bill. It's for all the time we've spent together when I didn't enjoy it. If it wasn't fun, it must have been work. Dilbert: Dogbert, let me explain what friendship is all about. Friendship is about giving freely of oneself. It's about trust and sharing. Now, I expect you'll want this back. Dogbert: Yes. I need to round it up to the next hour. No checks. You have the face of a deadbeat. Dilbert: I don't think I'm reaching you. 
19980119	Ken: I've used the scientific method to debunk 100% of the people who claim they have mental powers. Dogbert: Are you saying that every test you perform turns out the way you predict it will? Ken: What's your point? Dogbert: YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU'RE PSYCHIC!! 
19980120	Caption: Dogbert and the skeptic. Dogbert: If your controlled tests have NEVER found psychic powers, how do you know the tests work for that sort of thing? Isn't that like using a metal detector to find out if there are unicorns in your sock drawer? Ken: NO! Caption: Later that night. Ken: A skeptic checks ALL the drawers. 
19980121	Boss: The sales force was offered a retirement buyout package of fifty dollars. One hundred percent of the sales force elected to take the offer. I wonder what they know that I don't know. Wally: THERE'S a hole with no bottom. 
19980122	Dilbert: I'd quit and become an entrepreneur, but I don't know how they handle such high risks. Wally: Denial, probably. Alice: We got bought by our archrival this morning. Their CEO says he plans to be as "humane" as possible. Dilbert: He sounds nice. Wally: Maybe we'll get bonuses! 
19980123	Co-worker: Don't worry about my flu, Alice. Germs don't fly through the air. AACHOOO! Remember, germs don't fly through the air. Alice: Yours are gonna. 
19980124	Co-worker: I finished my work despite having a slight flu. Here's your copy. Dilbert: Um...You should give that copy to Wally. Co-worker: Wally isn't on this project. Dilbert: I know. I just figure he has the least reason to live. 
19980125	Dilbert: It's time to go home. That means... Boss: Hi. Dilbert: Right on schedule. Wait, let me guess why you're here. You want to discuss a document that's been on your desk for a month. It's something that could easily wait until tomorrow. But you'll insist that I handle it now because you're a sociopath. Boss: Wrong. I majored in anthropology. But that was a spookily accurate guess about the document. 
19980126	Dogbert: I appointed myself "deputy of common sense." I will apply swift justice to those who exhibit a lack of common sense. Dilbert: So, it's swift justice for people who aren't too swift? Dogbert: And I'm using a chocolate gun for irony. 
19980127	Caption: Deputy of common sense. Dogbert: FREEZE!! You scheduled a four-hour meeting to find out why people are behind schedule! Manager: No, look at the agenda! The fourth hour is a discussion about why morale is low! Woman: Shoot him. 
19980128	Caption: Deputy of common sense. Dogbert: You are accused of trying to motivate your employees with insulting gifts. Boss: You're missing the symbolism. I gave them chess pieces to show that we're all on the same team. Dogbert: Specifically, you gave them pawns. Boss: I'm saving the rooks for bonus day. 
19980129	Caption: Deputy of common sense. Dogbert: Are you the government safety inspector? Inspector: Yup. I love my job. Watch your step! Wally: HEY! Dogbert: How does your boss determine your pay? Inspector: It's based on the decrease in accidents after my inspection. 
19980130	Dilbert: Maybe I should quit and work for myself from home. I would miss all the human contact. Same as now. Boss: I'm testing my e-mail. Did you get the "E" I sent? 
19980131	Dilbert: I'm thinking of quitting and working for myself. Dogbert: Come work for me. Dilbert: Doing what? Dogbert: You'll invent valuable things and I'll exploit you...I mean them. Dilbert: I'm not sure you'd be the best boss, Dogbert. Dogbert: Don't give me that input, you "resource." 
19980201	Instructor: Let's start by introducing ourselves. Susan: I'm Susan Block from I.T.G. I work for Emily Wooten. Max: I'm Max Blumf. I work for Susan. Alice: I'm Alice. I work for...uh...I... AAAGH!!! I'M FILLED WITH SHAME BY ASSOCIATION!!! WHY ME? WHY WHY WHY? Please take me to your group! I'm not tainted!!! Boss: Can we start over? I forgot who the first three people are. Alice: SOB. 
19980202	Caption: WARNING!! Dogbert: Author Norman Solomon has determined that the Dilbert comic strip is harmful to workers. I will demonstrate the danger with this carefully controlled experiment. Have your plans for rebellion been replaced by sarcasm and complacency? Wally: And I think I'm going bald! 
19980203	Boss: My new policy is to discriminate against single people. It's totally legal! Write your marital status on this list, so I know who has no reason to go home at night. Dang! What are the odds you'd all be polygamists? 
19980204	Dilbert: I'd like to talk about my career path. Boss: Okay. My plan is to work you until your health deteriorates and you skills are obsolete. Then I'll downsize you. Dilbert: I'm ill. Boss: Really? I've never had a plan work this fast before. 
19980205	Dilbert: I'm wearing my work clothes while I telecommute, to maintain discipline. Dogbert: Is it working? Dilbert: I'll test the theory by seeing if my clothes stop me from going to the kitchen. Apparently my clothes are defective. Dogbert: Haven't I been saying that? 
19980206	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: The company knows everything about you, Wally. We have logs of all your phone calls, web hits and e-mail. We have your urine test, college grades, salary and family contacts... It's against our policy to kill employees and replace them with low-paid impersonators, but I wanted you to know it's feasible. 
19980207	Boss: Our new e-mail monitoring system shows that you sent a personal message last week. Alice: Coincidentally, the new Alice monitoring system detects twenty hours of unpaid overtime. Boss: According to the manual, productivity will soar now. Alice: Beep...beep...boop...Now detecting cluelessness in the vicinity. 
19980208	Dogbert: I've been hired by an employee who just resigned. I'll be his stand-in for the exit interview. I'd like to begin by discussing your senseless slaughter of the English language. ...And on April 8th you were heard saying, "We have to nip that problem in the butt." Now let's talk about your stellar leadership. Your inspirational motto is... "If I want to do something that's a waste of time, it's my prerogative!" Moving on to hygiene... Boss: I'm probably one of those misunderstood geniuses. 
19980209	Boss: I suggest that you deal with the issue on a going forward basis. Dilbert: Thanks for ruling out time travel. You're not usually that helpful. Alice: Are you saying he understands the concept of "time" now? Dilbert: Or he just got lucky on this one. 
19980210	Dogbert: Is it my imagination or am I getting sexier every day? The mirror doesn't lie. I AM getting sexier. I've decided to be a supermodel. Dilbert: Okay, but stay away from kryptonite. 
19980211	Dogbert: Do you have any "silly putty" i can use as a fake beauty mark? Dilbert: Maybe you should use less. Dogbert: There's no such thing as too much beauty.  Meanwhile, at a fashion headquarters... Designer1: We got away with "heroin chic." what's next? Designer2: How about dogs with tumors?
19980212	Fashion Headquarters Designer: You could be our next supermodel. I love the tumor. Dogbert: It's a beauty mark. Designer: We prefer our supermodels to look unhealthy, in a sexy way. Dogbert: Okay, its a tumor. Dogbert: I can add a few more. It's just "silly putty." Designer: No, It would be easy to overdo that sort of thing. 
19980213	Dogbert the supermodel  Designer: Your first assignment is a lingerie shoot. You'll be wearing black socks. Designer: There's nothing sexier than a short, round guy in black socks. Dogbert: Wow! this works! Designer: QUICK! GET ME A BIG BLOCK OF ICE TO SIT ON!
19980214	Dilbert: How does it feel to be a sex symbol? Magazine: PLAYGIRL in socks! Dogbert: Good. I realized that what's inside a person doesn't count because no one can see it. Dilbert: I didn't realize you were such a philosopher. Dogbert: That's my point! 
19980215	Wally: I finished the technical recommendation you requested. At first i was miffed that you told me what recommendation you wanted. It made me feel useless and weak. But rather than dwell on my powerlessness... I decided to find joy in the one decision i CAN make. I chose a helvetica type font. And i never looked back. Pointy haired boss: Oh, so that's what's wrong with it. I coach and I coach, but they still walk out of here all rubber-legged.
19980216	Bob: I've been chosen for the industrial espionage program. The plan is that i quit this job and go to work for our competitor. Every week i'll send back secret reports. Alice: Bob, this is how we fire dumb people. Bob: That's why it's the perfect cover.
19980217	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  Catbert: The company's goal is to double the efficiency of all employees. Dilbert: Question: If we double our efficiency, won't you downsize half of us? Catbert: Don't talk to anyone in marketing; they aren't so good at math.
19980218	Dogbert: I'm going to make an infommercial. I'm targeting the people who want to invest their savings but don't know how. Dilbert: I hope you plan to sell educational information about how to avoid scams. Dogbert: Good idea for phase two!
19980219	Dogbert on tv: Would you like to make $1,000 per month for a whole year? Send $13,000 for complete information about dogbert no-load funds. I'll include my free pamphlet explaining how to lose weight by eating less food. Tv viewer thoughts: Show the number.
19980220	Dogbert the consultant.  Dogbert: From now on, refer to your employees as "knowledge assets." That will send an unmistakable message. Dilbert: He calls us "knowledge assets" now. He must think we're complete morons. Dogbert: It's an unmistakable message.
19980221	Catbert: Evil H.R.Director  Catbert: Your personal lives reflect on this company. From now on, a strict dress code will be enforced in your homes. Dilbert: On the plus side, it's one less decision i have to make every day.
19980222	Wally: Happy Birthday, Alice! I was planning to get a gift... but then i thought... Why not give the money to charity in Alice's name? Alice: Really? Which charity? Wally: Umm..."The United Society of Poor People with major health problems." Alice: ...And Dilbert got me an ashtray, even though i don't smoke. Dilbert: You don't? Wally: They say this sort of thing builds team spirit. Dilbert: It must be gradual.
19980223	Dilbert: I believe it's what's inside a person that counts. Dogbert: How can you get respect for hidden qualities? Dilbert: You have to act humble while generating as many clues as possible. Dogbert: So, you recommend being a deceitful, manipulative, hypocritical, braggart? Dilbert: It's a funny world.
19980224	Dogbert: I've been hired to find the gullible fool who continues to send anonymous chain letters to everyone. I place the "curse of dogbert" on all past and future senders of chain letters. Pointy haired boss: I think i saw wally flinch.
19980225	Asok: Oh no! i got an e-mail chain letter. It says i'll die if i dont send it to ten more people. But if i forward the message, the "curse of dogbert" will be upon me. ...So, i figured a curse is better than certain death, right? Wally: Spank you very much.
19980226	Dilbert: ...And the "dogbert curse" strikes anyone who sends a chain letter. But the letter said i'd die if i didn't. You're the world's smartest garbage man; how would you handle this? Did you know there's also a "garbage man's curse" for people who send chain letters?
19980227	Voice on TV: Are you the victim of a curse? Dilbert: Yes, I am. Voice on TV: Next on "20/20", John Stossel shows you the cure. Dilbert: Ha! After the commercial i will get valuable information for people like me! Dogbert: Well, Well. It seems my old nemesis, John Stossel, has been busy.
19980228	Pointy haired boss: Our new slogan is, "Pressure makes Diamonds." Wally: How about, "Pressure makes garbage more compact"? I wonder if that one is taken. Pointy haired boss: I hate this strong job market for engineers. Wally: "Irritation makes pearls." or maybe "Pressure makes whine."
19980301	Boss: Good news on your budgets. I did some recalculating last night. I found a way to give more money to every project without increasing the total budget for projects! Wally: Question: does your new way involve poor math skills? Alice: Ignore the skeptic. Hey, I have a suggestion! Maybe you could recalculate our salary budget next. Dilbert: And when was the last time you recalculated our vacation days? Wally: I calculate that we have an hour left for this meeting. But I'm interested in YOUR calculation. Dilbert: I think we got greedy when we asked if he had change for a five. 
19980302	Dilbert: I need help on the assignment that you said was a "no brainer." Pointy-Haired Boss: It's easy.  Just skip the "interface design" phase and make everything beige.  You can't go wrong with beige. Dilbert (thinking): I always know where to go for the no-brainer decisions.
19980303	Project Status Dilbert: Due to budget cuts, our new product will have no user interface. Dilbert: Our target market is people who are too shy to return products. Dilbert: Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for a living?
19980304	Sales Conference Dilbert: Here's the product you'll be selling next quarter. Wally: It has NO user interface! Wally: That means no bulky user manual.  And no loss of function during a power outage! Dilbert: You were right.  Our sales people can't distinguish good from evil. Wally: I strained a smile muscle. Sales People: clap clap clap clap
19980305	Boss: From now on, I'll be using the chaos theory of management. Engineers: ??? Wally: And this will be different how? Boss: Now there's a name for it. 
19980306	Dilbert: It takes a certain type of personality to telecommute, Dogbert. Dogbert: What? Just because other people have personalities doesn't mean YOU should try to develop one. Dilbert: I HAVE a personality! Dogbert: Let's not get into that "is zero a number" debate again. 
19980307	Alice: I estimated the hours it would take to do an excellent job on all the projects you've assigned. That would be fifty hours a day. So I recalculated for "adequate" results. That would be forty hours per day. Well, to make a long story short, let's skip down to "complete fiduciary misconduct." Boss: Blah blah blah blah blah. 
19980308	Boss: Tina, we need to set measurable objectives for you. Tina: I'm a technical writer. How can you measure good writing? Boss: Everything is measurable if you try hard enough. Tina: Is that your well-reasoned opinion? Or is it the dogmatic babbling of a manager in total cognitive surrender? Boss: For example, we could measure the number of words you type. We'll have to subtract the number of words you delete. That way we won't motivate the wrong behavior. Newsletter: In this edition of Tina's hourly newsletter, I compare our projects to various types of wood. 
19980309	Dilbert: This is very technical. I'll explain... (Snap*) Sign: Gallery of googly-eyed marketeers. Wally: Drool! Good one. 
19980310	Boss: Alice, I'm sending you to Elbonia to inspect our factory. Fill out a trip justification for my approval. Alice: So, I need your approval to do what you told me to do? Boss: It will not be unreasonably withheld. 
19980311	Alice: I'm off to Elbonia, the land of waist-deep mud and misogyny. Wally: On the plus side, you can kick people and blame it on the mud weasels. Elbonian: What's wrong, Yugi? One minute you are complimenting this chick, next second screaming. Alice: Mud weasel. 
19980312	Elbonian factory tour Elbonian: This is the sweat shop where we make your company's product. Elbonian: We attach huge clamps to each employee's head. Alice: Why? Elbonian: We tried cubicles but it damaged morale.
19980313	Alice: Here's my report on the hideous treatment of employees in our Elbonian factory. The employees were forced to wear huge clamps on their heads. Then I said, "The employees can't complain because they have no union." Wally: Swift. 
19980314	Boss: I'll call you back in one hour, Irene. You're in a different time zone, so you'll get the call in...um...three hours. Really? You're three hour AHEAD? Then that means...Whoa! You're freaking me out here! 
19980315	Wally: While you toil in utter futility, I'm building my personal "brand equity." I'm increasing my skills and my contacts every day. My dream is to become the "Kleenex" of engineers. Alice: 'Scuse me. I have real work to do. Ooh...sneeze coming. AAAAH... CHOO! I think of Wally as the "Kleenex" of engineers. Dilbert: Me too. 
19980316	Tina: I just read that the average woman is paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make. It's an outrage! Alice: I'm the highest paid engineer in the company. Tina: That's impossible. The article says "average women" earn less. Alice: Suddenly the problem comes into focus. 
19980317	Tina: The article says men are paid 25% more than women. How do you explain that? Wally: Actually, it says women make 75 cents for every dollar that men make. That's 33% more for men. Magazine: Estro. Wally: I suppose there's almost no chance you'll praise me for my math skills right now. 
19980318	Tina: Alice, one day I hope we can be judged by our accomplishments and not our gender. Alice: I got my fourteenth patent today. I'm on my way to a lunch banquet in my honor. Tina: And you wore THAT? 
19980319	Boss: Our user manual has a typo. Our technical support calls are going to a phone sex place. Complaints are way down. Caption: Customer's house. Customer: Well, okay, but...Has that ever worked? Telephone: No complaints yet. 
19980320	Dilbert: I'll need a letter of reference to apply for a job in another division. Boss: No problem. Letter: ...For a man of his hygiene, he doesn't steal as much as you'd think. I suspect he's on drugs. Interviewr: And then he says you're prone to anger and denial. Is that true? Dilbert: NO!! 
19980321	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. director. Dilbert: My boss is preventing me from transferring to a great job. Catbert: That's outrageous! There shouldn't be any great jobs in this company. Dilbert: Once again, you've made a bad situation worse. Catbert: That's the human resources promise. 
19980322	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. director. Catbert: There's been a slight change in the vacation policy. Asok: Are we getting more vacation days? Catbert: You must be new here. As you know, all vacation time must be used in the year it is earned. I realize this is not always convenient. From now on, any time you spend in the restroom will count as vacation. Dilbert: We should complain. Wally: If you need me, I'll be taking a porcelain cruise. 
19980323	Asok: My new product is a database of famous serial killers. You can search the database by name, weapon or tattoo. Alice: Let me guess, Wally: Six months ago our young intern asked you what the term "killer application" meant. 
19980324	Dogbert: I can replace your cubicles with "personal habitats." They look exactly like cubicles, but we've made huge advances in what they're called. Boss: Is it expensive? Dogbert: If money is an issue, you could start with the "hellhole junior" model and upgrade later. Boss: Do you have pictures? 
19980325	Dogbert: Your cubicle has been replaced by a "personal habitat." It's exactly like your cubicle but much less cluttered. Wally: Hey, all my stuff is in the trash can! Dogbert: That's a funny thing to call your personal storage unit. 
19980326	Rag Man: I'm the rag man from project luser. Budget cuts have hit our project hard. I'm forced to beg for resources. Dilbert: I can spare some pencil shavings. Rag Man: Excellent! We make coffee out of that. 
19980327	Rag Man: Can you spare any office supplies? I'm on an underfunded project. Wally: How about a three-ring binder with one ring? Rag Man: Score! I'll melt into the background and let you get back to your palace and your fancy coffee. Wally: It's a mocha. 
19980328	Rag Man: I hate being on an underfunded project. Can you spare some resources, lady? How about that intern? Are you using him? First you have to learn how to give yourself a sponge bath at the water fountain. 
19980329	Boss: I can only give you a two percent raise this year, Alice. Because your job was not very challenging. Alice: How could you possibly think it wasn't challenging? Boss: You exceeded all your goals without complaining. Compare that to Wally's performance. He complained all year. And he missed every goal! Now THAT'S a challenging job! Alice: WALLY IS A FILTHY WEASEL! Boss: Maybe his hygiene isn't the best, but he was right when he said you would stab him in the back. 
19980330	Boss: I can't give you a raise because you're above the salary midpoint. But at least your stock options are doing great! Alice: I don't have any stock options. Boss: Oh, I'm probably thinking of me. Next, it says I should coach you on your interpersonal skills. 
19980331	Dilbert: Is it my imagination, or is your necktie getting shorter every day? Wally: Heh heh... I'm gradually moving towards casual clothes. In six months this necktie will be gone and no one will notice. Dilbert: Everyone noticed when you went bald. Wally: I'm bald? 
19980401	Caption: Catbert, evil H.R. director. Alice: I'm not enjoying my job. Catbert: Take this powerful antidepressant drug for the rest of your life. Alice: I didn't know H.R. could prescribe drugs. Catbert: I'd hate to live in a world where that was illegal. Alice: "Boss-proof cap." 
19980402	Alice: Human resources is prescribing powerful antidepressants to improve morale. The label says it may cause "unwarranted optimism about your dead-end job." Wally: I gotta get me some of that. 
19980403	Wally: Look at the warning label on Alice's antidepressants. It can cause fatigue, disorientation, memory loss, and lack of sex. Dilbert: I wonder how long we've been taking them. Wally: There's no way to know. 
19980404	Wally: Alice is overdosing on antidepressants. Dilbert: We must induce vomiting. Wally: Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary. Dilbert: The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were heaving and Alice was punching us. 
19980405	Presenter: ...Now let's look at our year-to-date variance in depreciation. Alice: Only five minutes left of our four hour meeting. Others: Zzzzzz. Alice: If he keeps droning, there won't be any time left for MY presentation. Others: Zzzzz. Alice: I spent a whole week preparing my presentation. Others: Zzzz. Zzz. Alice: Everyone else is already asleep. My only hope is to stun the presenter with a stale donut. Others: Zzzz. Presenter: As you can see there's nothing to report. Alice: I wasted a donut. Others: Zzzz. Zzzz. 
19980406	Mordac: I am Mordac, the preventer of information services.  I bring new guidelines for passwords.  Dilbert: All passwords must be at least six characters long...include numbers and letters...include a mix of upper and lower case...Dilbert: Use different passwords for each system.  Change once a month.  Do not write anything down.  Mordac: Squeal like a pig!!!
19980407	Mordac: I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I come to confiscate your non-standard computer. Wally: You'll give me a new one, right? Mordac: This is heavier than it looks. I'll have to disable it and leave it here. Wally: The new one is already on its way, right? 
19980408	Mordac: Request denied. The information services department does not upgrade non-standard computers. Wally: It's not an upgrade, it's a replacement. Mordac: Our policy is that it's an upgrade unless you discard the old one. Janitor: Your trash is declined. Our policy is "no computers." 
19980409	Wally: I'm not allowed to get a new computer until I get rid of this old one. The janitor won't allow it in the trash; Union rules won't allow me to carry it to storage. So I built this catapult. Like I always say, every problem has an engineering solution. 
19980410	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: There will be no layoffs after the merger. However, many of you will be transferred to jobs on a frozen asteroid. Ted: Will we have protective space suits? Catbert: I label you "not a team player." 
19980411	Ted: If I don't accept the transfer to a frozen asteroid, I'll be surplussed. Alice: Ted, let me show you something on this map. See this tiny island? Ted: Yes. Alice: That's where the people who care live. 
19980412	Employee: I criticize my co-workers to make myself look smart. Dogbert: Apparently it isn't working. Employee: What do you mean by that? Dogbert: Nothing. Ooh, that reminds me to add nuts to my grocery list. I recommend that we have weekly sessions until you run out of money. Employee: Can you cure me? Dogbert: No, I'm paid by the hour. I'll give you problems you've never even heard of. We have a few minutes today. Would you like a false memory? Employee: Maybe something with aliens? 
19980413	Ted: I just gave my two-week notice. Wally: YES! YES! THE ARROGANT OBSTRUCTIONIST BORE IS HISTORY! Ted: Everyone seems to be taking this rather well. Wally: Count me in for the goodbye lunch! 
19980414	Alice: I'm glad he quit. He was an obnoxious, useless co-worker. Dilbert: We had to be nice to him because we needed his cooperation. Wally: The jerk! He should check the expiration date on his cologne! Ted: Next time, I will NOT give two weeks' notice. 
19980415	Tina: I'm collecting for Ed's farewell gift. Carol: Ed, you treated me like dirt. I find you guilty and I fine you five dollars. Tina: I just put that in there. Carol: Come back if you get more. 
19980416	Dilbert: Heh heh. Ed is barely out the door and I got his old computer. Wally: The scavenging was good today. Alice is going to be miffed that she's too late for the good stuff. Dilbert: You got his pants? Alice: It wasn't easy. He'd already made it to the bus. 
19980417	Boss: I fought to get your project classified as our top priority. Dilbert: Did you get my e-mail saying the project isn't feasible? Boss: I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him he's chairman of the "quality festival." 
19980418	New Guy: Alice, I'm the new guy. I look smarter than the people who already work here. As you get to know me, I'll look dumber and dumber. Alice: That was fast. New Guy: Ooga. 
19980419	Catbert: Evil HR Director - Catbert: You look stressed out Alice.  I could fix that by becoming a champion for improvements in the workplace.  Or I could give you a little booklet called "stress no more".  Hmm...I wonder which way is best.  Alice: "Stress is your body's way of saying..."  "... you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime".  Catbert: I've never seen a woman's forehead ignite her hair before.
19980420	Dilbert: I'm going to a very important conference. Dogbert: What's it for? Dilbert: The brochure says the goal is to "create interaction around local and global issues of the coming century." You're being sarcastic with your ears again. Dogbert: It sounds so exciting! 
19980421	Caption: At the airport. Co-worker: Hey, Dilbert! We mist be taking the same flight! I'll change my seating assignment so we can talk for six hours. Dilbert: No, no! That's okay! Co-worker: These flights can be very long is you don't have someone to listen to your golf stories. 
19980422	Registrar: Before I check you in, let me explain something... You're here for a technology conference. I am the only attractive woman who will talk to you for days. I am not free for coffee later. Dilbert: Can I brush your hand when you give me the key? Registrar: I'll toss it to you. 
19980423	Caption: At the conference. Dilbert: They have some great keynote speakers here. There's a CEO...a politician...another CEO...and a cartoonist. Speaker: In this cartoon, Gilbert goes to a conference that has no useful content. Dilbert: I know guys like that. 
19980424	Caption: At the conference. Dilbert: I liked your talk about your comic strip. Do you ever feel burned out? You have to be funny every day. Then there are the books, the media, the speaking. So much stress... Oops. Man: #!*@*. 
19980425	Dilbert: Ahh...sweet cubicle, I have returned from my trip. It's just like being in a womb. Boss: I just wanted to poke my head in and say hi. 
19980426	Boss: Our special guest is Tod, from our research department. Tod: We recently did a study to assess the value of our previous research. Sadly, all of our past work was either ignored or totally misinterpreted by idiots... ...Such as yourselves. So from now on, rather than do research, we'll just lie. Play along and we'll make sure the "industry salaries" study goes your way. Well, it's two o'clock, and that's quitting time in the research department. Wally: You're not my role model anymore...I've found another. 
19980427	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: I can give you excellent advice for $50,000 per month... If budget is a problem, I also offer BAD advice for the low price of $45,000 per month. Alice: That's not a good sign. 
19980428	Boss: I saved a lot of money by hiring a low-priced consultant. These aren't the best recommendations in the world, but the price was very reasonable. Asok: I don't like this one about rolling around on unwashed hamburger patties. Boss: Keep an open mind. 
19980429	Dogbert: Although your company is very profitable, I wouldn't be much of a consultant if I didn't recommend changes. Boss: You recommend jailing our ombudsman and declaring martial law...Makes sense. Then could I shoot employees who make personal phone calls? Dogbert: It's okay with me. 
19980430	Dogbert: As a consultant, I'm overpaid even if I do bad work. Whereas you're underpaid even if you do good work. It's funny if you think about it. Dilbert: I might have a terrible job, but at least I don't have any job security. 
19980501	Boss: Alice. I checked with the other managers; They don't know you well enough to promote you. So we've decided to hire someone from outside the company. Alice: At least the other managers have heard my name now. Boss: I didn't use your real name. 
19980502	Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert: I'm having trouble finding qualified external applicants Catbert: All I have are a headless man, a mime, and a frozen cro-magnon guy we found in a glacier. Pointy haired boss: Does the mime bring his own invisible cubicle?  I love those! Catbert: Only if we pay his relocation costs.
19980503	Boss: Dilbert, this our newest employee, Matt. Would you mind... Dilbert: Crushing his spirit? Boss: Right. Dilbert: This little box will be your home for sixty hours a week. It comes with an obsolete computer and a binder about safety hazards. Your challenge is to look busy until someone gives you a meaningful assignment. Matt: How long will that take? Dilbert: I'm still waiting for mine. Manual: Safety tip 1: Don't sit near any obsolete computers. 
19980504	Alice: I had a strange dream last night. Asok: Research has shown that nothing is less interesting than hearing about someone else's dream. Alice: ... but this was no ordinary grape. It was a seedless! Asok: My brain is gnawing its way out!
19980505	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Alice, the experts say you need to balance work and home life. You worked 80 hours last week. That's less than half of the hours in a week. Give us some balance, you selfish hag. Alice: This conversation took a nasty turn. 
19980506	Ted: The marketing department saves the day! Check out these brochures I made. This new product will allow us to dominate the market! Dilbert: But we don't make this product. Ted: That hasn't hurt our sales so far. 
19980507	Ted: Maybe it was wrong to promise our customers a product that hasn't been designed yet. But our motto in marketing is, "It's better to beg for forgiveness than to seek permission." Dilbert: Your motto needs some design work too. 
19980508	Dogbert: I donated a billion dollars to the United Nations today. Dilbert: That's nice of you. Dogbert: My only condition is that they name something after me. Caption: United Nations. Ambassador: For the millionth time: Yes, I'm SURE we want to keep calling it France! Sign: France. 
19980509	Boss: Alice, you'd get more accomplished if you were less of a perfectionist. I've asked Wally to work with you -- to teach you how to be less perfect. Alice: And when did apathy and low standards become positive traits? Wally: I call it the intrapreneurial spirit. 
19980510	Boss: What the...? Alice, you know we don't allow anything cubicle walls. It destroys the acoustic absorption of the fabric. Alice: OUCH!! MY EARS! DON'T SHOUT!! You're right! I've ruined the acoustic absorption. It seemed so harmless. I'll remove it immediately! Boss: Why is it worse when they agree with me? Alice: What? Eh? 
19980511	Mom: Someday I'd like to see your office. Dilbert: It's a cubicle, mom. Mom: What's a cubicle? Dilbert: Imagine the most beautiful place on Earth... Mom: Okay, I've got it. Dilbert: Now imagine you can never go there because you work in a box. 
19980512	Mom: It's so exciting to visit my son's cubicle! I worked hard to put you through college. Now I'll see the results of my investment! Um...You did attend classes, right? 
19980513	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: When you dumped more work on Wally, did he moan? Or did he scream? Boss: It sounded like this...Aaoo-muw-aahh-ow-ow!! Catbert: The staffing levels sound about right. 
19980514	Catbert: The company is giving free flu shots, Wally. The shots will be delivered by wealthy stockholders who will hunt you down and shoot you with flu darts. Wally: At least I won't get the flu, right? Catbert: You're probably thinking of the flu PREVENTION shots. 
19980515	Boss: No one likes being hunted down and shot with flu darts, Wally. But remember: Companies are managed for the benefit of stockholders, not employees. Wally: I own stock. It's in my 401(K) account. Boss: I'm not supposed to tell you, but none of that is real. 
19980516	Dilbert: I had to make some optimistic assumptions to make the revenue target. In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'Utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology. Boss: Then do we use his technology to design our new product? Dilbert: No, we kill him and sell the autopsy video. 
19980517	Dogbert: Are you the pompous airbag of the office? Employee: Indeed. Dogbert: I've been asked to deflate you. My sources tell me that you combine arrogance with trivia and try to pass it off as intelligence. Employee: That's because I'm surrounded by fools who don't even know the capital of Elbonia! Dogbert: I have a signed statement from your wife... ...That you put wet laundry in the oven last night. Employee: That explains the chewy casserole she served me this morning. 
19980518	Dogbert: I'm creating a comic strip called "Pippy the Ziphead." I'm cramming as much artwork in there as possible, so no one will notice there's only one joke. Dilbert: The joke is on the reader, isn't it? Dogbert: I'd better cram some more art in there. 
19980519	Dilbert: Your comic strip seems to be nothing but a clown with a small head who says random things. Dogbert: That's Pippy. I'm maintaining my artistic integrity by creating a comic that no one will enjoy. Dilbert: The important thing is that YOU enjoy it. Dogbert: The first two were okay, but now I'm just bitter. 
19980520	Boss: Dilbert, this is Allen, my new sycophant. His head nods whenever I talk. But that's not the best part... Dilbert: Very impressive. Boss: Is that great or what? 
19980521	Dilbert: So, Allen, what's it like to be a hideous sycophant? Allen: It's okay. What's it like to have no hope of career advancement? Dilbert: Not bad. Allen: Were you born that way or is it a lifestyle choice? Dilbert: I'll ask Mom, but I think it was bad parenting. 
19980522	Boss: That's my plan. What does everyone think? Allen: Brilliant! THIS IS THE BEST PLAN YOU EVER MADE!! WOW! OOH-WAH! YOU DA MAN!! Boss: That's the type of honest feedback we need. Allen: I love it when you exhale in my direction. 
19980523	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Alice: My eyes are sore from using the computer. Catbert: Try typing with your fingers, the way everyone else does. Personally, I find computers very restful on my eyes. 
19980524	Marketer: I'd like you to meet our newest customer. Boss: You won't be sorry; We're one of the top five companies in this field. Customer: I thought you said no one else makes this kind of product. Boss: No one else makes one with so few features. Customer: So...Your strategy is low price, right? Boss: No, high margins. Customer: YOU! Boss: I'd better ask someone what a "margin" is. 
19980525	Dogbert: I will now test my theory that people like to be told what to do. Magazine: Techee. Dogbert: QUIT YOUR JOB AND BUILD A PYRAMID, YOU HOMELY DOLT!!! Dilbert: I liked it until the dolt part. Dogbert: I've noticed that honest doesn't mix well with anything. 
19980526	Bob: What's the crown for? Dogbert: There aren't any charismatic leaders in the world lately. I'm going to fill the void. Bob: Don't charismatic leaders usually turn out to be egomaniacal, philandering sociopaths? Dogbert: And they look good in hats! 
19980527	Dogbert: Why are there no charismatic leaders anymore? Garbageman: Cable TV. Scandal is the most economical way to fill news programs. They'll go after you, too. Dogbert: I'll need a diversion. Dilbert: I don't care if it's a great news story; I will NOT take fertility drugs! Dogbert: They're in your coffee. 
19980528	Dilbert: My dog put fertility drugs in my coffee. At first I was mad. Then the tabloids offered me a million dollars for my story. Wally: Have you seen a doctor? Dilbert: My agent advises against that. 
19980529	Dilbert: I've been eating like crazy since Dogbert put the fertility drugs in my coffee. I'm guessing I have ten or fifteen babies in there. It's hard to keep them fed. Alice: And your only evidence of pregnancy is weight gain? Dilbert: Here comes another hoagie, kids! 
19980530	Dilbert: My dog slipped me a fertility drug. How long before I give birth? Doctor: Um...It's impossible to have babies unless a woman is involved in some way. Dilbert: Ooh, right, for the diapers. Doctor: I'm going to give you a prescription for painful shots. 
19980531	Sign: Pharmacy: Dilbert: Is this one line or two? I'll hedge my bets by standing in the middle. This guy is confused too. Get behind me...Get behind me...Get behind me...Get behind me... Oh-no! He's forming a new line behind the fast cashier! #!%* He's distracted! I take the angle! I win! Pharmacist: Stress medications are the other line. 
19980601	Dilbert: I'm having an extreme case of telephone shyness. I'm afraid to pick up the phone and make business calls. I'll duck into a restroom stall until the shyness passes. 
19980602	Dilbert: I've been having severe shyness attacks at work. Dogbert: I can help. I'll send nude photos of you to everyone on the internet. Dilbert: Will that work? Dogbert: All of my previous clients are dating "Motley Crue" band members. 
19980603	Dogbert: I'll cure your shyness by putting nude photos of you on the internet. Computer: AAEEII!! COUGH COUGH UNH* Dilbert: I didn't know the internet could reject a body. Dogbert: I didn't know it could scream. 
19980604	Alice: STUPID SOFTWARE! Won't compile; eh?? #%!* Policeman: We call it "code rage." I'm seeing a lot of it lately. 
19980605	Dilbert: How much budget do I have for my project? Boss: I can't tell you. If you knew what your budget was, you'd spend it all. Dilbert: Can you at least tell me what our company strategy is Boss: No, I don't want you to lose hope. 
19980606	Dilbert: Our pointy-haired boss won't tell me our company's strategy. So I spend my days wandering from cubicle to cubicle, trying to deduce the strategy. So far I've ruled out "first to market." Wally: And "premiere" anything. 
19980607	Dilbert: I need coffee. But I'm too tired to go get it. I'm in a downward spiral! My arms go limp. The antidote is only yards away but I am immobile. Maybe someone will notice and bring coffee. My co-workers found me. I'm saved! As the frenzied mob yanked off my trousers, someone spilled coffee on me. Dogbert: Wow, lucky. 
19980608	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Bad news: the employees are reading a newspaper. If they see the low unemployment rate, they'll know the balance of power has swung their way. Wally: I plan to use the cat as a gargoyle on my cubicle roof. Dilbert: If you run a current through him you can zap bugs. 
19980609	Wally: This week I discovered that the demand for engineers exceeds the supply. I responded by increasing my insolence and decreasing my productivity. Boss: I will never hire another engineer as long as I'm alive. Wally: Equilibrium has been restored. 
19980610	Dilbert: Your cubicle roof is looking good. Wally: Yep. I love being a skilled worker in a period of low unemployment. I can get anything I demand. Carpenter: Hey, Poindexter, fetch me a lemonade. (Poink.) Dilbert: Ouch. 
19980611	Wally: Unlike you people in marketing, I have highly sought technical skills. I'm too valuable to fire. So from now on, I'll deliver my project status on a balled-up piece of paper. Is the cheerleader squad ready yet? Woman: Grrr. 
19980612	Ted: I'd like to reopen the question of what vendor we'll use, even though it's too late to change anything. Phil: I darn you to heck! You will spend an eternity with other indecisive dullards! Ted: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME??! Phil: Here is fine. 
19980613	Boss: Dangerous asbestos has been found in every room in our building. The problem will be addressed using a...scientific process. Something called attrition. 
19980614	Caption: Dogbert's first law of business. Dogbert: Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane. Caption: Example. Manager: Thanks for agreeing to work on my project. Dilbert: I never agreed to work on your project. Manager: You can't change your mind now! It's too late to get someone else! Dilbert: Um...I'm not changing my mind. I clearly said I would NOT work on your project. Manager: YOU LYING WEASEL! I'LL RUIN YOU!! Dilbert: OKAY! OKAY! I'LL WORK ON YOUR PROJECT! Manager: Wally, thanks for agreeing to donate your computer to my project. Wally: What? 
19980615	Boss: No one in my division is using the company drug treatment program. This is very embarrassing. My boss will think I'm not managing the drug problem. Don't ANY of you have a drug problem? Alice: #!*%* CHILDPROOF "MIDOL" CONTAINTER!! Boss: Hmm... 
19980616	Caption: Drug treatment program. Doctor: The first step is to admit you have a drug problem. Alice: I don't. My pointy-haired boss forced me to be here because he thinks it makes him look proactive. Doctor: Hallucinations are common during withdrawal. Let's do an inkblotch test. Alice: AAAGH!! 
19980617	Caption: Drug treatment program. Doctor: Alice, I'd like to talk to you about your registration form. Under "objective," you said you want to use my "turnip-shaped head as a battering ram to break out of here." Alice, drop the duct tape. Alice: Stay tense; that will help. 
19980618	Boss: Our top executives are in a special strategy lockup meeting. The meeting won't end until they agree on a new strategy, so it might be a while... Willy: Maybe if I wedge by broom here I won't forget where I put it. 
19980619	Alice: I just heard that all our top executives got locked in a conference room and starved to death. Dilbert: Why didn't they use the phone to call for help? Caption: One week ago... Exec 1: It's agreed: We dial 8.3 to get an outside line. Exec 2: Uh-oh. This one doesn't do decimals. 
19980620	Dilbert: An executive search firm is trying to find a new C.E.O. for us. Wally: It'll be tough. No ethical person would board a sinking ship just to plunder its treasure. Interviewr: Are you ready to take the challenge? Dogbert: Oh, I'll take more than that! 
19980621	Boss: What the...? You respond too quickly to my e-mail. Obviously you aren't focusing on priorities. Dilbert: I do e-mail while my program is compiling. Boss: You can't weasel out of this with your technical mumbo jumbo. Dilbert: You win. I'll ignore your e-mail from now on. Boss: The important thing is that I win. I wonder if MY programs ever compile. 
19980622	Boss: Mister Dogbert has returned as our C.E.O. because no one else wants the job. Dogbert: I can't tell you my plan for the assets of this company...but it rhymes with "village." Wally: I hope it's "fillage." 
19980623	Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Dogbert: I need a personal "gopher." Are you interested? Gopher: Sure! Dogbert: Good. You'll wear a special uniform and have a special office to show your status. Sheesh. I haven't made a bank shot yet. 
19980624	Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Dogbert: I've decided to manipulate our stock price for personal gain. I'll spin off a few divisions, buy back some of our stock and announce massive budget cuts. Executive: Um...Do you even know what products we make? Dogbert: How would that be relevant? 
19980625	Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Dogbert: I make a motion that the board of directors double my pay. All in favor, bleat like sheep. Executives: Ba-a-a. Ba-a-a. Ba-a-a. Wally: I think we're missing a check or a balance somewhere. 
19980626	Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Secretary: The "United Charities" would like you to be chairman this year. Dogbert: I'd be honored. Oh, and while you're up, cancel the company health plan. Caption: One week later. Speaker: Under his leadership, our free clinics have handled TWICE as many people. Dogbert: Thanks. Podium: United Charities. 
19980627	Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Banker: I'm an investment banker. I can help you loot this place and escape. You'll merge with my other client company. Your golden parachute kicks in. Then you exercise your stock options on the uptick. Alice: You rarely see a merger announcement with the phrase, "So long, suckers." Dilbert: Ouch. 
19980628	Boss: Our next product will determine the future of our company! I need a project leader who has a passion for success! Wally: Would that leader get extra pay? Boss: It's not about money, Wally. It's about a passion for success! Wally: All I have is a vague preference. How about you? Dilbert: Yes, I'm feeling something...maybe it's... No, it's just my allergy medication. Wally: What was it like? Dilbert: It tingled. 
19980629	Boss: Where's that budget forecast I asked for? Dilbert: I put it on your chair this morning. Boss: I'd better look again. 
19980630	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Man: I don't know how to use my e-mail. Dogbert: You need to upgrade your I.Q. a few points. Try listening to classical music. Man: My old nemesis, mister radio, we meet again. 
19980701	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: Our software is perfect. The problem must be with you. Go to the cat scan machine in the break room and insert your head. I'll monitor you from here. User: DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? Wally: I blame the tight labor market. 
19980702	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: How may I abuse you? Boss: The internet is slow. What causes that? Dogbert: That can only be caused by you looking at porn. I'll need your name for our records. (Click.) 
19980703	Woman: I like men who have a sense of humor. ...But not the joke-telling kind - the spontaneous kind - like when you spill something and we both laugh. Dilbert: Maybe I'm trying too hard. 
19980704	Woman: I don't understand why you like the things you like. I'm forced to conclude that you're socially defective. Dilbert: Isn't it normal for people to have unique preferences? Woman: Do you have to argue with EVERYTHING I say?! 
19980705	Alice: My posterior is growing to fit the size of my chair. Boss: Is that possible? Alice: Posteriors are like goldfish. They grow to the limit of their environment. Boss: That's ridiculous. I have the biggest chair. That would mean... Alice: Forget I brought it up. Well, back to work. Dilbert: Mission report. Alice: Success. The glue on his chair should be set by now. Boss: I guess this is why goldfishes don't use chairs. 
19980706	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: "Consistent with our policy to eliminate privacy and dignity... "...Employees must share hotel rooms on all business trips." After they get this, I'll introduce the tandem showering policy. 
19980707	Dilbert: Wally, as you know, employees must share hotel rooms at the conference... So I was wondering if you'd like to...you know...be my roomie. Wally: Sure. Dilbert: We'll have to agree on some rules. Wally: I can only spoon on my right. 
19980708	Dilbert: I hate sharing a hotel room on business trips. Wally: I need to do my exercises before I go to sleep. Do you mind? Dilbert: There are so many ways that this could be bad. Wally: I'm still a bit winded from yesterday. 
19980709	Caption: Sharing a hotel room. Wally: I forgot to pack my exercise shorts. I guess I can do my jumping jacks without clothes. It's just us guys. Single occupancy isn't so hard to get. 
19980710	Boss: I don't see why our web pages need URLs. Get rid of them. Did that make any sense at all? Dilbert: Yes, it's brilliant. Give me a month and I'll replace our URLs with uniform resource locators. Boss: Perfect. 
19980711	Wally: I'm pleased to report another stellar week of accomplishments! I moved more than 800,000 bits of data to a disaster recovery facility! Dilbert: Did you just take credit for copying a file to a diskette? Wally: It was my resume. 
19980712	Dilbert: I can't believe I get paid for this. Speaker: Blah blah. Dilbert: This thing lasts two more hours. Maybe I should fidget with my pen. I'm too late. Now I'd look uncreative. Wally: Fidget. Dilbert: I wonder how long I can hold my breath. Wally: Fidget. Fidget. (WHUMP!) Wally: Ooh, TWO pens. What would THAT be like? 
19980713	Boss: I hired my son to manage our technology development group. He's young, but I'm almost positive he went to college. Dilbert: Where did you go to college? Son: Actually, I hid in our attic for four years. 
19980714	Son: My dad taught me everything I know. He used to say "don't drink the pickle juice until the pickles are gone." Wally: Was that a big problem at your house? Son: Have you ever been hit in the eye with a pickle? 
19980715	Caption: Son-of-a-boss. Son: You have to make our product so simple that my mom could use it. Alice: It's already so simple a hamster could use it. How much dumber is your mom? Son: Maybe we should leave my mom out of this. Alice: MY mom is a physicist. 
19980716	Caption: Son-of-a-boss. Son: My complete lack of knowledge has not gone unnoticed. I've been promoted to vice president of marketing! If you feel the need to buy me a gift, I'd love a piano. 
19980717	Boss: Is your project plan done? Dilbert: I can't do a plan until you tell me the strategy. Boss: My strategy is to make you do a plan. Sometimes the leadership just radiates from my body. 
19980718	Myron: My name is Myron, not Moron! Next time that you run spell check, don't automatically take its suggestions. Boss: What's "spell check"? 
19980719	Boss: Here's the goal that will motivate you for the next year. Dilbert: "Build a global satellite network. Budget: $12,000." Motivation feels much different from what I imagined. I was expecting a light, energetic feeling. But it's more like being pinned under a burning couch. Whoo! I'm getting dizzy. I'd better lie down until the motivation wears off. Boss: He's going to be trouble during the next round of budget cuts. 
19980720	Alice: Excuse me. I couldn't avoid hearing your conversation outside my cubicle. I think I speak for a lot of cubicle dwellers when I say... SHUT UP!! 
19980721	Dilbert: You haven't interfered with my project in weeks. Something must be wrong. Alien Boss: I believe in empowering my employees and staying out of the way. Dilbert: Am I going to find my real boss's body in a dumpster? Alien Boss: There's extra money in the budget. Would you like a bonus? 
19980722	Alien Boss: I think the earthlings are getting suspicious. Alien: Keep acting competent and caring. Our prisoner says that's how leaders act on their world. Alien Boss: Carol, let me do the org chart on my PC. You have too much work already. Carol: AAAGH! 
19980723	Alien Boss: No one suspects that the real boss is in a prison tube on my spaceship. Asok: Is it okay if I wear shorts? Alien Boss: Sure. I only care about the quality of your work. Asok: If our boss were replaced by an alien, would that be a bad thing? Dilbert: It depends on the alien. 
19980724	Dilbert: Apparently my boss has been replaced by a highly intelligent alien. That means my real boss is being held captive in some sort of hideous alien prison. Dogbert: What do you plan to do about it? Dilbert: It was just an observation. 
19980725	Alien: Tell us your management secrets, earthling. Boss: You have too many full-time aliens flying this UFO. Downsize half of them, then roll out the ISO 9001 process. But despite all my help, they still plowed into a snow-covered alp. 
19980726	Dilbert: I need some management fire power. The VP of marketing says we can't use the vendor we selected... Boss: Let me write this down. Dilbert: Do you want some paper? Boss: No, I'll use this tissue...Oops. Dilbert: Anyway, the other vendor can't deliver. Boss: Oops. Dilbert: I have some note paper. Boss: No, this is fine. Oops. Dilbert: All you have is a blotch on a scrap. Boss: It's more of a reminder than a detailed note. Hmm...It's not so useful when I put it with the others. 
19980727	Dilbert: My boss told me to buy a bunch of equipment we don't need. That way our budget won't get cut next year. Mom: I'm so proud of you, son. Dilbert: How do you say that with a straight face? Mom: I try to imagine you as a Navy Seal. 
19980728	Dilbert: ...And we'll buy a dozen of these. We're trying to spend our budget so it doesn't get cut next year. Salesman: This is great! You guys are so dumb that I don't even have to use my fake personality to make the sale! Dilbert: ...And nine of these blue things. Salesman: There's a full moon on the horizon! 
19980729	Co-worker: I haven't talked yet, but all the good points have been taken. Alice: Blah blah. Wally: Blah blah. Co-worker: We must make sure our momentum aligns with our value-added distribution! Alice: That was just babble, right? Co-worker: All the good ones were taken. 
19980730	Co-worker: I have no useful skills or knowledge. I compensate by "raising issues." Our salespeople haven't been trained for the new product!! Someone should have a meeting about that. Dilbert: Wow, I can actually hear oxygen being wasted. 
19980731	Co-worker: I am a useless employee who cuts out newspaper articles and routes them around. I used to make sure the articles were relevant, but that was more work than it was worth. Wally: I saw this already. Co-worker: It's from your paper. You always leave it in the third stall. 
19980801	Ratbert: Do you mind if I jump on the garbage? I don't know why, but when I see a fresh pile of garbage, I just want to jump up and down on it. Garbageman: The best things in life are silly. Ratbert: YEE-HA!! 
19980802	Caption: Performance review. Boss: Let's see how many of your objectives you met. Dilbert: What objectives? Boss: Didn't you know you had objectives? Dilbert: I don't see how I would have had time to work on objectives. My schedule was packed. Boss: Doing what? Dilbert: Every morning you leave things on my chair with notes that say "Urgent: handle this." Boss: No I don't Dilbert: Wally, can I see a sample of your handwriting? Wally: Uh-oh. 
19980803	Boss: Let's see what's on my schedule today. "Give vigorous wedgie to myself." Wally: You're right -- he WILL do whatever is on his schedule. Dilbert: Vigorously? Boss: Ow! 
19980804	Caption: Meeting with a vendor. Larry: I'm Larry. And these people are my vast array of unnecessary tag-alongs. Dilbert: What does your product do? Larry: We didn't bring the guy who knows that. 
19980805	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Tina: I'm grossly underpaid for the type of work I do now. Catbert: Write a description of your current duties. I'll be happy to do a compensation review. Caption: Based on a true story. Catbert: Sadly, it appears you're not qualified for your own job. But one of your subordinates is. 
19980806	Boss: We won the bid to create a digital archive of the world's greatest art. This will give us a chance to fix any errors made by the artists. Wally: Errors? Boss: For example, there was a guy who used too much blue for a whole period. 
19980807	Dilbert: We've digitized and indexed the world's greatest art. This is "The Last Supper." Boss: Nice, but... The composition is cluttered. Delete a few of those guys. Do you have any clip art of bagels? Do they look happy? Dilbert: Compared to me, yes. 
19980808	Dilbert: I'm creating a digital archive of the world's greatest art. But my boss insists on "fixing" the artists' mistakes. Tina: Hee hee. This is such a funny story for the newsletter! Boss: It's a funny story, but change "fixing" to "dramatically improving." 
19980809	Ted: We're discontinuing technical support of all our products. A recorded message will explain it to the caller this way... "In order to serve customers better, we've discontinued technical support." Dilbert: How does that serve customers better? Ted: We'll redirect those resources to other areas. Dilbert: What other areas. Ted: Profits. That makes your bonus larger. Any other questions? Dilbert: Apparently I'm engulfed in evil. Ted: That's the spirit! 
19980810	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Are you able to work while being constantly interrupted? Candidate: No, I would be totally ineffective, just like anyone else. Catbert: We were done with the section you had to answer honestly. Candidate: Oh. In that case, interruptions make me stronger. 
19980811	Dogbert: Initiate launch sequence. Dilbert: We have liftoff. I keep waiting for this to seem like a bad idea. 
19980812	Dilbert: We're the first cubicle to land on the moon. The temperature and oxygen levels are fine. Apparently the space program is a hoax. Dogbert: NASA must be hiding something here. Woman: Hi. We're the women who love engineers. 
19980813	Woman 1: NASA put all the women who love engineers on the moon. They say it's an important experiment. Woman 2: Every weekend they send a shuttle full of male NASA engineers to check on our status. Engineer: Uh-oh. We have company. 
19980814	Caption: Somewhere on the moon. Engineer: So, you discovered where NASA hides the women who love male engineers. How about a little drinking contest, tough guy. The loser can never return. Woman 1: We shouldn't have insisted on entering the contest. Woman 2: I'll miss them. 
19980815	Boss: I need this vital information by one o'clock. Dilbert: If I do a shoddy job, I can finish this and still make it to lunch! Today I traded my work ethic for a banana. Wally: I ate that banana years ago. 
19980816	Catbert: The evil director of human resources spots his prey. Wally, you haven't filled out a vacation request form yet. If we don't get it by tomorrow, you lose your vacation. Wally: Where do I get a form? Catbert: We're all out. Wally: DID THEY EVER EXIST? Catbert: Wally, does anything really exist, or is it all just shadows on a cubicle wall? I leave you with that thought. Who says philosophy is useless? (Bonk bonk.) 
19980817	Boss: This is today's motivational message for all employees. Today is the first day of the rest of the week. Or is it? 
19980818	Tina: Wally, did you review my draft of the user manual yet? Wally: The characters in the examples gave me no reason to care about them. It left me empty. Monitor: Sadly, user "B" could never love user "A" because he was a bald engineer. 
19980819	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: You've been a good contract employee. We'd like to make you a regular employee. Contractor: You mean you want to pay me less? Catbert: We want you to be motivated by something other than money. Contractor: Like...stupidity? 
19980820	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Yes, regular employees are paid less than contract employees such as yourself. But if you join the company, you'll get many intangible benefits. Contractor: Maybe your stockholders would like some intangible benefits. They can have mine. 
19980821	Catbert: The employees aren't falling for the old "intangible benefits" story anymore. Boss: Uh-oh. We don't earn enough money to give tangible benefits to employees AND stockholders. Caption: Stockholder meeting. Boss: ...Now let's discuss your intangible benefits. Investors: %#!@* 
19980822	Dilbert: Here's my time sheet, in exquisite detail. (Crinkle crinkle wad.) Carol: It's easier to input the numbers if I make them up as I go. 
19980823	Boss: Happy combined birthdays. Today we honor the employees who had birthdays within the past year. That's Dilbert...Alice...Asok...Did I miss anyone? Wally: Um...You missed me. Boss: You too? That's spooky. I'd cut the cake but it's a plastic prop. Let's sing. Does anyone know the words to "Happy Birthday"? I'll bet those weren't the real words. 
19980824	Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con and insult, you get "consult." I'm here to consult you. Boss: It sounds expensive and demeaning...okay. 
19980825	Caption: Dogbert consults. Dogbert: My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountability. Boss: Ooh. Dogbert: As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me. I recommend that you convert all of your U.S. dollars to Elbonian currency...whatever that is. Boss: The eye-crud. 
19980826	Boss: Your performance was excellent, but there's no bonus this year. Dilbert: Why not? Boss: The company lost a fortune in the Elbonian currency collapse. But in a way, it's your own fault for working here. Dilbert: Thanks. That takes the sting out. 
19980827	Dilbert: At this phase, the project will be reviewed by a worthless manager. Manager: Hee-hee! I wonder if he knows what people say about him. Why are you marking it "done"? Did you decide to skip that phase? 
19980828	Boss: Our department mascot will be the industrious beaver. Dilbert: That's a picture of a woodchuck. Boss: He looks perky. That's close enough. Dilbert: He could be a beaver who lives in a hole. 
19980829	Boss: Don't think of yourself as a powerless peon in a box. You're an agent of change in a dynamic, natural work group! Dilbert: Can I put that on my business cards? Boss: I'd rather not leave a paper trail. 
19980830	Dilbert: I need to document your procedures. It's an ISO 9000 requirement. So...The engineers submit their time cards and then you do what? Carol: I put them in a pile until I'm sure they're all here. Then I move them to the magic cylinder. Dilbert: The trash can? Carol: No. It's a magic cylinder. I put my work in there and by morning it's gone. Dilbert: I've been giving you my time cards for five years. Carol: No one has complained yet. Dilbert: After today I am NOT rounding to the nearest fifteen minutes. 
19980831	Dilbert: It's nice, but the weasel down the street is selling it for less. Weasel: You should never settle for the lesser of two weasels. Dilbert: Now that you mention it, it DID seem too convenient. 
19980901	Wally: This project needs your complete attention. Alice: Wally's right. Forget the other projects and focus on that one. Dilbert: Did I miss anything at the meeting? Wally: We got you a little helper for your project. 
19980902	Boss: We can only succeed if each of you works nights and weekends for a year! Dilbert: I quit. Alice: Me too. Wally: I'll clear out my desk. Dilbert: Or was that supposed to inspire us? Wally: Like I'd know. 
19980903	Carol: I can't process your voucher because these receipts look fake to me. Dilbert: They aren't fake! Carol: Then why aren't they notarized? Dilbert: BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST RECEIPTS! Carol: And now you'll tell me there's no DNA evidence either. 
19980904	Wally: How long will it take to process my voucher? Carol: I assign a priority to everyone. I'm happy to say you're a "one." One chance in a million. 
19980905	Ted: Alice, thank you for your twelve-page response to my e-mail last week. But I was only sending it to you as an "FYI." Those decisions are already made. If I read your reaction right, you're wondering why I didn't say FYI on my e-mail. Alice: FYI, it's your still-beating heart. 
19980906	Dilbert: Why did the I.S. department deny my request for a PC upgrade? Buyer: BECAUSE WE ARE EVIL INCARNATE!! BUWAHAHAHA!! Dilbert: I was looking for something more specific. Buyer: You didn't provide a dollar estimate of the benefits. Dilbert: That's ridiculous. I can't put a value on every tool I need to do my job. Buyer: If you can't quantify it, then it must not be necessary. Dilbert: Then why does the company give me a chair? I can't quantify that either. Here's one more reason why it stinks to be me. 
19980907	(Ring.) Ratbert: Hello, I'm a rat. Telephone: This is a consulting company. We'll pay you $200,000 per year to work for us. Ratbert: I'm more interested in investment banking. Telephone: *$!@ job market. 
19980908	Consultant: Come work for our consulting firm and you will get this bushel of money. All we want in return is twenty hours of work each day... ...With clients who hate you for a variety of good reasons. Ratbert: At least there's no travel, right? 
19980909	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Consultant: As our newest partner, you'll get the least desirable assignments. We'll load you in the consultant cannon, shoot you to the client's site and monitor your progress. Ratbert: The window is more to the left. Consultant: The client is more to the right. 
19980910	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: I'm making $200,000 per year. Apparently that's all I know. 
19980911	Ratbert: Thanks to my consulting job, I'm wealthier than you. And I'm cuter, obviously. The only thing left is personality. Dilbert: Shouldn't you be spreading disease somewhere? Ratbert: Three for three! YES!! 
19980912	Dilbert: I built a ring with a tiny computer in it. It only displays one character at a time. Dogbert: Then what good is it? Dilbert: No time for chit-chat. I'm surfin' the net! Dogbert: Don't make me come over there. 
19980913	Boss: It's time for my annual inspirational talk! We must work twice as hard, or the competition will crush us! I want you to feel afraid twenty-four hours a day! Dilbert: Question: Wouldn't that lower the quality of our lives? Wally: Seems like it might. I'm too afraid to work here now. I wonder if our competitors are hiring. Alice: Question: Should we continue to be afraid of our own management's incompetence? Boss: Let's compromise. I'll cut the meeting short if you'll all agree to feel worse in some way. Now I remember why I only inspire them once a year. 
19980914	Wally: I got caught in traffic. Boss: Let me recap what you missed. We spent the past hour deciding not to change the name of our department. Asok: You just inadvertently trained me to be late to all meetings. Boss: Oops. 
19980915	Alice: I've been building up my forearm so I'll have a bone-crushing handshake. Tina: Why? Wally: Hey, what's this -- some sort of hen party? Alice: That was very witty, Wally. Congratulations! Tina: Oh. 
19980916	Boss: The safety award goes to Ted for his five years of injury-free work. Ted: Thank you for this award. Without awards, there would be no incentive to avoid injuries. 
19980917	Alice: If I work too hard, I get stressed out. But if I don't work hard, I get bored. Catbert: I recommend submerging your head in icy water twice a day. Alice: Wouldn't that hurt? Catbert: Is there no end to your list of complaints? 
19980918	Dogbert: I'm finding it a burden to remember your name. From now on, I'll refer to you as either "Buddy" or "Big Guy." Dilbert: How about if I get a name tag? Then you could just read it. Dogbert: Do I look like I have that kind of time? 
19980919	Dilbert: I don't have any meetings today. I'll change all my software settings until something doesn't work. Boss: Keep up the good work. Dilbert: Keep up the good managing. 
19980920	Dilbert: I'm going to do some personal business during my lunch hour. Normally I would work through lunch. But this will take a full hour. It would only take two minutes if I used the Internet. But the Internet is for business use only! Our company has a limited number of zeroes and ones. When they're gone, they're gone! Furthermore... Wally: You mocked him for a full hour. Dilbert: Now it's time to eat. 
19980921	Catbert: You're under arrest for stealing empty cardboard boxes! The company needs those boxes to meet its recycling goals. Wally: But reuse is better than recycling. There's got to be a way out of this cell. 
19980922	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself. Boss: So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people? Catbert: Exactly. Boss: I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when your performance improves. 
19980923	Boss: My sources tell me that you're not meeting your objectives. Alice: That's not true. Who are these sources? Name one objective I haven't met. Boss: I don't even know what your objectives are. Alice: Must...control...fists. 
19980924	Alice: Who said I wasn't meeting my objectives? Boss: I can't remember. Therefore, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of the information. Alice: Check the facts! Boss: That sounds like something a guilty person would say. 
19980925	Ratbert: I've decided to be one of those guys who says whatever is on his mind. Dilbert: Still nothing? Ratbert: Boy, this is a real eye-opener. 
19980926	Ratbert: Do you mind if I fill the gaps in our conversation with random observations? Dogbert: No. Ratbert: So, you got a little pillow there, eh? Eh? When I say "eh?", that's your cue to answer. 
19980927	Caption: Based on a true story. Carol: I'm drowning in work! You have to do something. Boss: I could build a partition right here. Carol: How will a partition help me? Boss: Carol, you shouldn't be afraid to try new things. If it doesn't work, we'll try something else! Carol: Are you over there? Boss: It works! 
19980928	Dilbert: Asok, you're the winner of the prestigious "Broken Binder Award." It's a once-in-a-lifetime award that is voted on by your peers. Wally: How long have you been dumping your trash here? Dilbert: Since my can got full. 
19980929	Boss: We're having an all-employee talent show for charity. Tickets are three dollars! Alice: We'll give you three dollars apiece to forget the whole thing. It works out the same. Boss: Deal. Alice: Ironically, math is my only talent. 
19980930	Boss: This is urgent. I need it by tomorrow. Dilbert: You've known about this for weeks. Now I'll have to work all night! Could you at least say something that sounds grateful? Boss: I'm glad I'm me! 
19981001	Mordac: I am Mordac, the preventer of information services! I summon the Y2K demon! Demon: Roar. Roar. Mordac: You're not as big as I imagined. I wonder why everyone is so afraid. Cute! 
19981002	Memo To: All Engineers From: Tina the Tech Writer Give me the information I requested, or sow the seeds of your own destruction! Tina, thinking: One should never compose e-mail while one is snarling.
19981003	Catbert: You've been a great temporary employee. Would you like to be a permanent one? Temp: Yes! Catbert: HA HA HA!!! YOU SIMPLE FOOL!!! Temp: What was that? Catbert: That was your employee orientation program. 
19981004	Boss: This bell will improve your morale. You ring the bell whenever you achieve a goal. THEN YELL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT TO THE REST OF THE OFFICE. I know it sounds corny, but the bell has worked at other companies. Dilbert: Does your information come from the BOSSES of those other companies? Boss: No. It comes from a magazine who interviewed those bosses. Alice: I'll go first. (CLANG. CLANG.) I RESISTED KILLING MY BOSS WITH A STUPID BELL!! 
19981005	Pointy Haired Boss: From now on, anyone who misses a staff meeting must buy donuts for the next meeting. Pointy Haired Boss: Did I just sell them their freedom for donuts?
19981006	Pointy Haired Boss: Here's another shovel full of assignments. Dilbert: How am I supposed to get all of that done? Pointy Haired Boss: Only do the most important ones. Dilbert: "Identify all the acronyms that have never been used." Pointy Haired Boss: That's an important one.
19981007	Dilbert: I have time to do ONE of these two assignments. One is essential to the business. The other is not. Which ONE do you want me to do? Boss: Both! Dilbert: I know you WANT both. But if you can only GET one... Boss: Combine them and just do the one. 
19981008	Boss: It's not my policy to fire morons, Donald. Firing is expensive. It's my policy to make your job so unpleasant that you quit. Dilbert: So, your project involves being bit by coyotes? Donald: Only two more years and I'm vested. 
19981009	Dogbert: Put this strip on your nose to get more oxygen to your brain. I'm hoping it will make you a more interesting conversationalist. Dilbert: How 'bout that? Dogbert: I'm no longer optimistic. 
19981010	Dogbert: I can no longer hold this inside. YOU CALL THAT BREATHING??! GET THE OTHER NOSTRIL INVOLVED! I wonder if he'll ever realize that I just enjoy yelling. 
19981011	Boss: It's not enough to "serve" our customers... We must DELIGHT them! Alice: You mean we have to stop price-gouging? Boss: No, I think we can still do that. Wally: Ooh, ooh! I know! We could stop selling products with known defects. Boss: I'M TALKING ABOUT CUSTOMERS, NOT PRODUCTS!! Wally: Do you feel like delighting customers? Dilbert: I barely have the empathy to pity them. 
19981012	Boss: I'm sending you to Elbonia to teach a class in COBOL. Dilbert: I don't know COBOL. Boss: Maybe you can learn it on the plane. Dilbert: Maybe I'll take some scuba lessons up there too. Boss: I'm making my getaway. 
19981013	Dilbert: Why are you sending ME to teach COBOL to the Elbonians? Wally is the one who knows COBOL, not me. Boss: Wally said he's busy that day. Dilbert: Can't you reschedule the class? Boss: Okay...Does tomorrow work for you? Dilbert: YOU'RE SOLVING THE WRONG PROBLEM! 
19981014	Caption: Somewhere in Elbonia. Dilbert: I've been sent to teach you COBOL. Elbonian: We don't have computers. Dilbert: That's okay. I don't know COBOL. ...And if you had a keyboard, you would do this. Elbonian: Oops...How do I delete? 
19981015	Caption: Dilbert teaches COBOL in Elbonia. Dilbert: ...And that's how you fix the "year 2000" problem. This concludes my four-day class. Are there any questions? Elbonian 1: What's a year? Elbonian 2: And is COBOL a kind of cabbage or what? Dilbert: Class dismissed. 
19981016	Caption: Catbert the H.R. director. Catbert: Asok, it's time to groom you for management. I don't see too many bugs in your fur. Can you lick the top of your own head? Asok: No, I can't. Catbert: Then you can't be a manager. 
19981017	Catbert: We'll take away the cubicle walls and force employees to work in an "open plan" office. Surveillance cameras will record their every move. We'll monitor phone calls and web use. We'll even test their blood! Boss: Can we flog them? Catbert: Whoa, cowboy! Wait for phase two. 
19981018	Boss: It's time to delegate. Dilbert, I want you to give me a new cash flow estimate for your project. Dilbert: Okay, fine. Boss: When will I get it? Dilbert: When do you need it? Boss: As soon as possible! Dilbert: Okay. Boss: And when do you think that will be? Dilbert: I usually wait a few days to see if you change your mind. Then I'll give you last year's cash flow as a test to see if you read it. Boss: The more experience they get, the worse they are. 
19981019	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Memo: New policy: Employees are not allowed to eat at their desks. Catbert: Because why? I need a semi-plausible reason. Memo: Because I hate you. 
19981020	Boss: Alice, meet the newest member of your team. I hired him myself. That means I can never fire him; It would look like I made a bad decision. Microsoft hired his head. It's in a jar in Redmond. Alice: And we got the part that goes to meetings. 
19981021	Alice: If we're going to work together, I should know your name. Let's see if you have a wallet with some identification. Wally: Geez, Alice, could you let the new guy settle in first? 
19981022	Alice: According to his driver's license, the new guy's name is Edward Mann. Wally: Is his middle name Lester? Alice: How did you know that? Wally: What we have here is an Ed Les Mann. 
19981023	Dilbert: The new guy isn't working out. Boss: Why not? Dilbert: Maybe because he has no head. Boss: So, you think I made a mistake hiring him? Dilbert: Um...no. But the new guy thinks so. Boss: Then he's fired for insubordination! 
19981024	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: You must brainwash your customers to prefer your brand for no reason. The long-term goal is to train your customers to mail you money every time they see your advertisements. Boss: Would we send them our product? Dogbert: Hello-o-o, brain stem. 
19981025	Boss: In order to improve communications... Alice: Please don't. Boss: Every morning I'll give you two pennies. Every afternoon, you return them and "give me your two cents' worth." Get it? It's cute. Alice: So, I get to keep the money if I avoid seeing you? How much will you pay me to ignore your voice mail too? I'll pretend you're dead for a nickel. Boss: I hate them all. 
19981026	Ted: Thank you all for coming to the meeting that has no real purpose. Maybe we could raise issues and then form action plans. Alice: I have an urge to stomp you to death. Ted: That's not very professional of you. 
19981027	Boss: That's the plan. Now I will pretend to listen to your irrational concerns. Go! Dilbert: This is another situation where ambiguity would be better. 
19981028	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Our target market is the gullible moron segment. Our commercials will feature an actor who seems sincere. Actor: I care about the rain forest...and you. I like kittens...and you. Moron: Wow...we made it into his top two. 
19981029	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Our ad campaign featuring phony sincerity is working. In phase two, we'll introduce our newest product, the invisible robot. Alice: We don't know how to make an invisible robot. Dogbert: Do you know how to make an empty box? 
19981030	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Some customers might complain that the invisible robot they bought from us... ...Is nothing but an empty box. I will train our support staff to handle those calls. Caption: Customer's house. Telephone: According to our sensors, he's in your house...and he's watching you. 
19981031	Boss: Cubicle walls will be removed "in order to improve communication." Dilbert: Why do the worst ideas always have the noblest sounding reasons? Boss: Employees will be leashed and branded "in order to improve morale." 
19981101	Boss: I have a solution to our morale problem. Display: Morale problem. Boss: We need a nickname for our group. Dilbert: Can it be something scatological? Boss: Um...no. Wally: How about something that involves monkeys? Boss: I don't think so. Dilbert: Ooh...But could it be something that's both scatological AND involves monkeys? Wally: It's hard to be optimistic while he's so grumpy. 
19981102	Ann: I must warn you, I'm one of those women who like to curse at work. %#*@!!* That was a warm-up. Asok: MY EARS FELL OFF!! 
19981103	Ann: If you anger me, I will curse at you until your eyebrows burn off. I will demonstrate my power by burning Wally's left eyebrow. Wally: OW! OW! THAT'S NOT AN EYEBROW! Ann: %#*@!!* 
19981104	Ann: Get out of my way, weaklings! This closed door can't stop me! I'll curse it off it's #@%!!* hinges! Boss: You could have knocked. Ann: I'm a barger, not a knocker. 
19981105	Dilbert: Ann, I made a bet with Ted that you could ignite this match by swearing at it. Ann: HOW DARE YOU BET AGAINST ME, TED YOU #%@!!*! Dilbert: Dang! How about double or nothing? Ted: I want my dollar. 
19981106	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to meet the humorless Blob I hired. Blob is our new creative director. His job is to foster innovation. Dilbert: I have some ideas. Blob: Whoa, loose cannon. 
19981107	The Presentation Dilbert: This cartoon says it all! Hee Hee! Dilbert: Uh-oh. I just realized you're all humorless blobs. Humorless Blob: Join us, Dilbert. Be a blob. Dilbert: Yes... Humor is uncalled for.
19981108	Pointy Haired Boss: Wally, you havn't done any actual work for years, yet we continue to pay you. Wally: Have I said thanks? Pointy Haired Boss: I'd fire you, but your performance reviews are all "excellents." Pointy Haired Boss: So, my plan is to make your job a living hell until you quit. Wally: You'll never win! My standards are lower than you can imagine! Pointy Haired Boss: I'll start by moving you to a smaller cubicle. Wally: Is that the best you got? Ha Ha Ha!!! Wally: Mom, guess who got an office with a door!
19981109	Catbert: H.R. Director. Alice: I work hard, but all I get are tiny raises. Catbert: If we gave you everything you wanted, then you would have nothing to motivate you. Alice: I don't want to be motivated. Catbert: That's why I enjoy doing it!
19981110	Pointy Haired Boss: I'll need a project plan to justify the resources we need to change our software. Dilbert: I can make those software changes in ten seconds. Done. Pointy Haired Boss: Good work. Now all we need is that plan.
19981111	Pointy Haired Boss: I don't understand your technical recommendation, alice. Pointy Haired Boss: I will rely on my keen insights about you as an engineer. Alice: That too would require knowledge on your part. Pointy Haired Boss: Shush!
19981112	Dogbert: I am your king! Bow before me, peasant! Dogbert: This was a test of the emergency monarch system. Dogbert: If this were a real monarchy, you would already be wretched.
19981113	Carol: You need to sign the non-employee certification form before I process your raise. Dilbert: But this would be a lie. I'm not a non-employee. Carol: I'm only the messenger. Dilbert: Where did it come from? Carol: The file cabinet. 
19981114	Dilbert: Why should I fill out this form? It would take an hour and it doesn't even apply to me. Carol: I don't make the rules. I just apply them with a helpless and defeated attitude. Dilbert: You're doing an excellent job. Carol: Seven more hours until quitting time. 
19981115	Pointy Haired Boss: From now on, the organization chart will not be distributed. Pointy Haired Boss: And the internal phone lists will be shredded (crumple) Pointy Haired Boss: This will prevent headhunters from easily picking us clean. Wally: Why would headhunters call us? Pointy Haired Boss: They want to steal you away and double your pay at another company. Wally: What makes you think we won't leave on our own anyway? Pointy Haired Boss: Because working here drains all of your initiative. Wally: Let's prove him wrong! Dilbert: Yeah! I'm not shredding my phone list!
19981116	Dilbert: You expect me to sign this? The legalese is totally incomprehensible. Carol: You will. Dilbert: Do you expect me to give up legal rights just because it's too hard to figure out what any of it means? Carol: Yes. And initial the "involuntary biological testing" box. Dilbert: Okay, okay! 
19981117	Pointy Haired Boss: Our new line of business is testing experimental medical procedures on employees. Pointy Haired Boss: Today's test is called the unicorn antidepressant therapy. Pointy Haired Boss: According to the instructions, in a few minutes, I'll see something that will make me laugh.
19981118	Dilbert: Lately, I've been growing a unicorn horn. Dilbert: In some cultures, this would be a sign of great virility. Dilbert: It's time to admit that I don't know what women want.
19981119	Catbert: Don't complain to me. You signed the form giving us permission to alter your DNA. Dilbert: No one reads legal documents before signing them. It makes you look stupid. Catbert: You have a point. Dilbert: That is so not funny.
19981120	Dilbert: At least I can count on my mom to love me, despite my horn. Dilmom: Yes, of course, albeit not as much as before Dilbert: How much less? Dilmom: Don't worry. My love of unicorns practically covers the gap.
19981121	Garbageman: Looks like someone has a bad case of unicornitis. Garbageman: I've got a pre-horn sample of your DNA in the truck. I could fix you up with my cell normalizer. Dilbert: Why do you have my DNA in your truck? Garbageman: It's for exactly this sort of situation.
19981122	Pointy Haired Boss: Out goal this year is zero disabling injuries. Pointy Haired Boss: Last year our goal was twenty-six disabling injuries. Pointy Haired Boss: In retrospect that was a mistake. Pointy Haired Boss: We had to injure nine employees to meet the goal. Pointy Haired Boss: If you have an injury, fill out these forms immediately. Wally: These are resignation forms. Pointy Haired Boss: If you cover the word "resignation" with your thumb it's an injury report. Wally: This place makes me sick. Dilbert: We'll miss you.
19981123	Alice: I'd love my job if not for my slow-witted co-workers. Wally: Am Not. Dilbert: You're drinking my soda again!
19981124	Pointy Haired Boss: I'm feeling much heathier since I strapped all of these magnets to my body. Dilbert: That's fascinating. You should show them to wally. It would have a big impact on him. Wally: You erased my #%!!* hard drive!!
19981125	Dogbert: I'm going to teach morons how to get high-level jobs. Dilbert: Why? Dogbert: I'm addicted to wagging. Dilbert: Carry on. Dogbert: Now turn your ear clockwise to get your tongue back in.
19981126	Job Counseling Dogbert: We'll need to disguise the fact that you're a moron. Dogbert: Ironically, the best way is to become an expert in something called "knowledge management." Moron: We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. Pointy Haired Boss: Smart.
19981127	Moron: Then we need to PV the DCF and get the ROI to the EOC ASAP. Dilbert: Are you our new CFO or a babbling idiot who just happened to wander by? Moron: Which one pays more? Dilbert: The mystery deepens.
19981128	Caption: Chief financial officer. CFO: I need one-sentence descriptions of each of your projects. Dilbert: You're planning to make critical budget decisions based on THAT? CFO: Yes. Wally: Wow. Five pages without a using a period. Dilbert: Thank God for semi-colons. 
19981129	Instructor: Welcome to the mandatory Windows NT(tm) class. Personally, I've only been using a computer for...how long? Anyone? Display: 2 weeks. Instructor: But a good trainer can teach any subject. Okay, everyone stand up and stretch! Or sit there and glare at me. That's good too. I forgot to reserve the room with the computers, so I'll use this box. ...And let's say this eraser is the moose. Dilbert: I left when he told us to use out teeth as a keyboard. Dogbert: Ooh-yah. 
19981130	Boss: Alice, you're the first recipient of the motivational "stone of quality." It cost a thousand dollars to have it engraved. It's my way of saying "thanks." Policeman: There's no weapon, but I found this cool motivational rock. 
19981201	Doctor: The accident left him with no brain function whatsoever. But that hasn't stopped him from talking. Dilbert: I'll drive him back to work. Boss: If I double the length of our staff meetings, we'll accomplish twice as much! 
19981202	Caption: Microsoft headquarters. Employee: We misspelled a word in our spell-checking software. Manager: You know what to do. Employee: Um...Use our market power to make the new word an industry standard? Manager: And...? Employee: Kill myself as an example to others? Manager: In our booth at "Comdex." 
19981203	Tina: What the...? I've been sabotaged! Wally: No, I am not part of a global conspiracy to plant a misspelled word in your "spell checker." Tina: GASP! THEY GOT TO WEBSTER TOO!!! 
19981204	Dogbert: If you want to get promoted, you need lots of "face time" with your V.P. I recommend sending photos of yourself every week. VP: More photos...He must be a relative. Secretary: I'll start the promotion paperwork. 
19981205	Carol: This report shows how much your raise would be if raises hadn't been canceled. Dilbert: Wow! My imaginary life is doing great! Now back to pretending to work. 
19981206	Asok: Wally, may I tap in to your vast wisdom? Wally: Okay, but make sure you pull out before your head explodes. Asok: I've noticed that many employees are evil, sadistic obstructionists. Do all the nuts work HERE by some strange coincidence? Or are most employees evil? Wally: Don't focus on the evil, Asok. Focus on the few employees who seem good. THEY'RE the ones who will stab you when you're sleeping! Trust no one but the lazy! Asok: OW! OW! OW! Wally: I warned you to pull out! 
19981207	Boss: From now on, Asok, you'll report to Alice instead of me. You can never directly speak to me again. Everything must go through Alice. Asok: Tell him I understand. Alice: Submit your request by e-mail. 
19981208	Asok: Alice, you never responded to my e-mail Asok: Maybe I could ask my question now, in person? Alice: Send me a voice mail. Asok: Will you respond to voice mail? Alice: Sometimes the phone company loses them.
19981209	Asok: No one returns my phone calls . . . no one reads the e-mail I send. Asok: I find myself hanging around with other pathetic, defeated losers. Asok: No offense. Wally: None taken.
19981210	Dilbert: I created a complex financial model for our company. Pointy Haired Boss: Let's see. Dilbert: It's dangerous if you don't understand it. Pointy Haired Boss: That's what they told Lindbergh . . . Pointy Haired Boss: But that didn't stop him from inventing the lightbulb (light bulb).
19981211	Pointy Haired Boss: I did some financial modeling on my own. Wally: But you don't know any of the assumptions that went into the original spread-sheet (spreadsheet). Pointy Haired Boss: That didn't stop me from developing a strategy. Dilbert: Our pay is based on the tax rate now.
19981212	Wally: Nothing is more dangerous than a boss with a spreadsheet. Pointy Haired Boss: If I increase the page number, our sales go up. Pointy Haired Boss: I'm onto something. Pointy Haired Boss: On page 843 the sales would be higher, but I was exhausted.
19981213	Dilbert: So . . . Justin, tell me why you want to work here. Justin: I want to find a cure for asthma! Dilbert: We don't do medical research here. Justin: Oh Justin: Then I want to build the biggest hydroelectric dam in the world! Dilbert: We don't do that either. Justin: What do you do? Dilbert: We sit in fabric-covered boxes. Justin: Shrivel Crinkle Ack! Dilbert: That was the sound of your idealism dying. Justin: Show me to my box.
19981214	Dogbert: I discovered I'm much cuter when I put my ears up. Dogbert: It seems impossible that I could be any cuter than I was. Dilbert: Maybe you aren't. Dogbert: I could kill you and no jury would believe I did it. Dilbert: Okay, that was cute.
19981215	Dogbert: I will now use my power of cute ears to abuse the banking industry. Dogbert: I'd like to make a large withdrawal from other peoples' accounts. Dogbert: It was funny when I made her count it twice. 
19981216	Dogbert: I wonder if my ear-related cuteness will let me get away with crimes. Policeman: You passed an ambulance . . . on the right. Policeman: And your license is a blank piece of cardboard.  I have to give you a verbal warning. Dogbert: I'll cry if you do.
19981217	Asok: Hey, Alice, I brought my radio to work. You can hear it from your cubicle too. Is there anything in particular that you want to hear. Alice: Yes, there is. (BAM BAM BAM.) Asok: HEY! 
19981218	Ted: I'm strongly opposed to your plan. Dilbert: You haven't read it. Ted: Oh, right. But now I'm emotionally invested in my opinion. THIS PLAN WILL NEVER WORK!! Dilbert: That's the meeting agenda. 
19981219	Co-workers: WE HATE YOUR PLAN!!! Dilbert: Good, because the REAL plan is the opposite of what I just showed you. Slide: Real plan. Dilbert: Who wants a nice worm? 
19981220	Boss: We have a problem. I ordered these direction signs for our conference tomorrow. But they all point to the right. I need left arrows. Is it too late to change the site of the conference to match the arrows? Dilbert: Well, that would put us in the middle of the lake. I suppose we could use helicopters to build a deep-water platform hotel...by tomorrow. Boss: Okay, but get two bids...What? Spooky. 
19981221	Dilbert: I'm chatting with a supermodel who has trouble finding dates. She says men are intimidated by her beauty and her computer skills. Dang! The system administrator is making a move on her. Dogbert: TYPE FASTER! 
19981222	Dilbert: I set up a date with the supermodel I met on the Internet. Dogbert: Supermodels don't look good in person. Dilbert: That's silly. Bonita: I don't know how to use a vase. Do you mind if I throw those in the trash? 
19981223	Caption: Dating a supermodel. Dilbert: I hear the camera adds...um...eighty pounds? Bonita: Yes. And if you use black and white film, the camera adds makeup too. Dilbert: Does the camera add hair? Bonita: Why would it need to? 
19981224	Dilbert: I'll have the jumbo spaghetti meal with a loaf of garlic bread. Bonita: I'll absorb moisture from the air and sniff the mints on the way out. Dilbert: Is it fun to be a supermodel? Bonita: It was until now. 
19981225	Dilbert: I realize we're from different worlds, Bonita. You're a famous supermodel and I'm just a sexy engineer... But when I gaze into your...um...eye sockets... Bonita: Good night. 
19981226	Boss: We must maintain a sense of urgency. Speed is the key. We must be faster than the competition. Dilbert: Does that mean you'll sign the stuff that's been on your desk for a month? Logical questions don't mix with motivational messages. 
19981227	Boss: Alice, we have a new corporate policy. And I quote... "...Initiate the description of the criteria for requirements... "...By developing a framework for the application architecture... "...Consistent with the planning corridor specified in our strategic initiative." Alice: So tired. Boss: Did you get all that? Alice: Zzzz. Boss: Wally, come here a minute. Read this and tell me if she's doing any of it right now. Alice: Zzzzz. 
19981228	Boss: Every work group has one sadistic nut who makes the job unbearable for everyone else. That's why I hired Dennis. He already seems indispensable. Dennis: YOU'LL ALL DIE IN YOUR OWN VOMIT! 
19981229	Caption: The sadistic nut. Co-worker: Are there any questions? Dennis: WHY DOES YOUR BODY LOTION SMELL LIKE THE ROTTING FLESH OF A THOUSAND DEAD CAMELS? Co-worker: I assume he has valuable skills. Wally: No, you're thinking of a prima donna. 
19981230	Caption: The sadistic nut. Dennis: HEY, IT'S A LITTLE INTERN! Asok: Please, spare me, mister nut. Dennis: I'M NOT CRUEL. I'M HONEST! Asok: No-o-o-o. Dennis: Let me tell you why you'll never be married. Asok: No-o-o! Dilbert: You have to admit, it's fun to watch. 
19981231	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: Wally, I'm sending you home. Shorts are not acceptable dress. Wally: These are not shorts!! Catbert: Tomorrow I'll accuse him of being a skinhead. Purr purr. 
19990101	Boss: For the tenth year in a row, the employee satisfaction survey says morale is low. Managers' bonuses are linked to these results. You can be sure we'll make big changes... ...To the survey. 
19990102	Pointy Haired Boss: The company will no longer pay for newspaper subscriptions. Dilbert: I pay for this myself.  The news is highly relevant to my job. Pointy Haired Boss: Is there anything I can do to make it less enjoyable? Dilbert: Just keep jabbering.
19990103	Caption: Catbert the director of human resources. Catbert: So, you want a job here, Tubby? Toby: It's "Toby." Catbert: Did you just correct me? Toby: Um... Catbert: I ALONE WILL DETERMINE YOUR NAME!! Now, what is your name? Toby: Tubby. Catbert: Tubby, is it true that you're so dumb that you... ...Sent your resume to the human resources department? Do you think that's what this department does? Let me show you what I do. Toby: I think I just became an entrepreneur. 
19990104	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: Your co-workers say you're a sadistic nut. GIMME FIVE YOU BIG NUT! AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! Hey, I'm having a party on Saturday. Can you make it? Dennis: Sure! I'll bring my spinach dip. 
19990105	Alice: Don't use the shredder today. I rigged it to kill our new sadistic nut co-worker. Dilbert: WHOA! WHOA! Doesn't that void the warranty? Alice: I'll switch shredders with marketing tomorrow. 
19990106	Boss: From now on, we will celebrate our service reps who give exceptional customer service. Dilbert: Question: Why would we celebrate employees who do extra work without getting extra pay? Boss: It will make them happy. Dilbert: Can we celebrate the smart employees some day? 
19990107	Pointy haired boss: We must be like eagles, not ducks. Wally: For the eggs? Wally: I didn't do the pre-reading.
19990108	Pointy haired boss: Alice, I need you to attend a meeting with me to handle the technical questions. Pointy haired boss: If they ask me a question, I'll move my lips while you do the ventriloquism. Pointy haired boss/Alice: ...and that's why I suggest putting your I.P. router in a suppository configuration.
19990109	Pointy haired boss: Alice, your performance exceeded all expectations this year. Pointy haired boss: But I'm not giving you the top rating because I want you to have something to shoot for. Pointy haired boss: It's always good to have something to shoot for. Alice: Stay here while I get my harpoon.
19990110	Dogbert: I'm writing a comprehensive "how to" book. Dogbert: In chapter one, I teach people how to pick winning lottery numbers. Dogbert: Chapter two: How to find free real estate in very nice neighborhoods. Dogbert: Chapter three: How to lose weight by eating huge tubs of ice cream. Dogbert: Chapter four: How to build strong abs by joining a gym and never going. Dogbert: Finally, how to see angels by giving yourself a near death experience. Dogbert: That last one is just to get rid of all the witnesses. Dilbert: On the plus side, I don't feel so bad about not recycling.
19990111	Wally: In this week's "Wally Report", I've decided to let my hair grow long in the back.  Eventually, I'll put it in a ponytail to show I have an artistic side. Pointy haired boss: What's your artistic side? Wally: I collect coffee mugs.
19990112	Wally: Watch this, Asok.  I start out looking like a middle-aged guy with bad hair... but simply by putting my hair into a ponytail, I transform into... the coolest guy in the office. Asok: Curse you for raising the bar for us all!
19990113	Venture capitalist 1: Wally, we're venture capitalists.  We want to invest in your web-based business. Wally: I don't own a web-based business.  I'm just an engineer with a cool ponytail. Venture capitalist 1: That's good enough for us. Venture capitalist 2: We like to get in early.
19990114	Wally: Venture capitalists gave me money to start a web-based business. Dilbert: Do they know you're lazy and dishonest? Wally: It didn't come up. Dilbert: What'll you create... besides accounting irregularities? Wally: That's all I have the energy for.
19990115	Caption: Venture capitalists. Investor 1: Despite your cool ponytail, you seem to have squandered our investment. You'll get no more funding unless you mutter empty internet words that make us swoon! Wally: E-commerce. Investors: Gurgle* 
19990116	Dilbert: How's your Internet start-up coming? Wally: Good. My plan is to be the dominant Internet source for tuna sandwiches. Dilbert: So, if I buy one, you ship it overnight? Wally: No, you have to come and pick it up.
19990117	Guard: Stop. Sign: Security. Guard: Show me your "equipment removal authorization form." This requires the signature of TWO employees. Dilbert: Good catch. You'd better sign it so it's legal. Guard: This seems wrong...but I don't know why. Dilbert: And I'll need to see your birth certificate. Guard: I don't have one. Dilbert: Then how do you know you were born? Guard: I have baby pictures, but they could have been doctored by my alleged mom. 
19990118	Wally: I used company resources to build my own internet company. Apparently my low job satisfaction bred disloyalty, which drifted into outright theft. Sabotage can't be far away. 
19990119	Host: Wally, tell our viewers how your internet start-up got so hot. Wally: Beats me. I was wondering how YOU got so hot. I'm burning up over here! Host: It says here you were an engineer. Wally: Is my ponytail doing anything for you? 
19990120	Wally: I sold my internet business and married Roxie. Don't worry about my money. Roxie insisted that we sign prenuptial agreements. Now for our honeymoon. Roxie: Whoa! That's not in our agreement. Alice: He didn't read it. 
19990121	Wally: I lost my fortune and my trophy wife today. But I learned a valuable lesson. (Munch munch munch.) I hope I wrote it down somewhere. 
19990122	Presenter: Our profits were good until a manager... ...Used his credit cart to make a 900 call from an airplane phone. Boss: Hey, I'm allowed to call my wife when I'm travelling! 
19990123	Co-worker: Do you mind if I floss? Dilbert: Yes. I would be thoroughly disgusted and hate you forever. Co-worker: Well, I can't please everyone. 
19990124	Woman 1: You spilled red wine on your shirt. You should dilute it with white wine. You'll thank me for this later. I think that helped. Woman 2: You need salt to absorb it. Try my margarita. Woman 1: Salt didn't work. Let's try pepper spray. Woman 2: Perhaps lighter fluid. Woman 1: No harm in trying. Woman 2: I have one more idea. Dilbert: Just once, I'd like to go to a party and not be set on fire... Dogbert: There's a stain on your rag. 
19990125	Dilbert: ...And one box of those big binder clips... (Ring ring.) Carol: TIMMY, UNTIE THE NEIGHBORS AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Dilbert: Maybe I'll come back later. Carol: DO NOT LIGHT THAT GASOLINE! 
19990126	Dilbert: As usual, Carol is on the phone yelling at her kids. I wait, like a cheetah, for a chance to ask her for the key to the supply cabinet. Are you waiting like a cheetah? Wally: I'm more of a panda. 
19990127	Ratbert: Bob, have you ever noticed that the people with the most experience are the ones who die? Bob: No. Ratbert: My plan is to spend the rest of my life in an old coffee can, experiencing nothing. Hence, Immortality. Dilbert: How was your first week of immortality? Ratbert: So far, it's overrated. 
19990128	Alice: I stayed awake for two days straight to finish this R.F.Q. by the deadline. But it will all be for nothing if you don't send it out today. Carol: I'll put it in the middle of this stack so I won't forget it. 
19990129	Carol: I'm taking your urgent document to the overnight drop box, with nine minutes to spare. The box is only eight minutes away. I'll stop for coffee first. Don't worry. If the truck is pulling away from the box, I'll wedge this in the back bumper. 
19990130	Boss: Alice, we lost our biggest customer because you missed the R.F.Q. deadline. Alice: That's because YOU said all overnight mail must go through your evil and lazy secretary. So you're probably going to apologize and give me a bonus for my effort. Boss: What's your second guess. 
19990131	Boss: Make your report consistent with our strategic plan. Dilbert: What's our strategic plan? Boss: It's a secret. Dilbert: Are you saying you don't trust me? Boss: I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees. Dilbert: How can I do my report if I don't know the strategy?! Boss: Okay, okay. I'll let you glance at it. TIME'S UP! THAT'S LONG ENOUGH! Dilbert: That's the warranty for your chair. Boss: Really? I've been managing to this for years. 
19990201	Asok: Carol, I'd like to reserve the conference room. Carol: HA HA HA HA! I laugh at your request without even explaining why. Asok: Someday I will be so powerful that secretaries will HAVE to explain why they laugh at me. 
19990202	Marketer 1: We didn't include engineers in the product planning sessions because...um...because... Marketer 2: Because we were art history majors in college. Marketer 1: Pa-r-r-rty! Marketer 2: How soon can you build the cloak of invisibility? Marketer 1: Let the man think, Clover. 
19990203	Dogbert: Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person. Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness. Bob: Bob thinks that is a good idea. Dogbert: Hey! You're ruining it! 
19990204	Dogbert: I need a job where my immense ego seems normal. I've decided to be a doctor. I will determine who lives and who dies! Patient: What? I can't die from an ulcer! Dogbert: Maybe not, but I enjoy the challenge. 
19990205	Caption: Doctor Dogbert. Dogbert: I'm putting you on an extreme herbal therapy. Come to my house once a week and eat my lawn down to one inch. After six months, if your hair doesn't grow back, I have more herbs in my storm gutters. 
19990206	Caption: Doctor Dogbert Patient: I hurt my elbow, doctor. Dogbert: Let me see it. Dogbert: I recommend a career in marketing. And it's not a good idea to vote.
19990207	Mordac: I am Mordac, preventer of information services! I'll take the computer and your little P.D.A. too! Do you recognize THIS? Dilbert: AAGH! THAT'S MY NETOWRK CABLE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Catbert: Mordac, it is I, Catbert, the evil director of human resources! YOU MADE MY PERSONAL PRINTER A SHARED DEVICE! GRRRR!! AAAGH!! Dilbert: Two wrongs made a right. Dogbert: Welcome to reality. 
19990208	Moth: The "meeting moth" is attracted to all meetings. Excuse me, I can't resist the urge to beat myself senseless on your table. Wally: You have to envy his sense of purpose. 
19990209	Dilbert: #!@* Alice: #!@* Moth: A "meeting moth" should never go to a meeting on an empty stomach. 
19990210	Moth: My moth sense has detected a meeting. Hi, guys! What are you talking about? Is this a meeting? I can't resist joining in. Asok: RUN FOR IT! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF WITH THIS CEDAR-FLAVORED DONUT!!! 
19990211	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: First, I need to ask you many questions. Then I will transfer you to someone who will ask the same questions again. We do this to remove any hope you might have had that we understand technology. 
19990212	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: I'll need your serial number, which is conveniently located inside the unit. Customer: The sticker says my warranty will be void if I open the case. Dogbert: Well, call me if anything changes. 
19990213	Dogbert: Do you think I have too much false humility? Dilbert: Try going a week without using any false humility, so I can see the difference. Dogbert: Wake up, you piece of fetid carp, and experience the joy of knowing Dogbert!! Dilbert: This could be a long week. 
19990214	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Employee: The ceiling in my work area collapsed. Catbert: No one else has complained. Employee: A steel beam hit me in the head! Catbert: How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home? Employee: There aren't any steel beams in my house!! Catbert: Maybe you removed them with your head. Employee: Uh-oh...Losing consciousness. Catbert: If you can hear me, don't worry! I'll write your suicide note!! 
19990215	Instructor: I'd like to spend the first hour defining what "information technology" means. Asok: Ooh ooh! Can I help pass out the materials? Wally: It's not a good idea to mix enthusiasm with stupidity, Asok. Asok: Oh, sorry. 
19990216	Caption: Catbert: H.R. director. Catbert: I value the input of all employees... ...including the morons. Although in those cases, I cover my ears and sing loudly. Asok: So I was thinking maybe... Catbert: He's a pinball wizard. 
19990217	Co-worker: I didn't know how to design a power supply, so I put a nail in a piece of wood. I'm on vacation tomorrow, so I'll give you my files in case you need to make changes. Once I had the idea, it all came together pretty quickly. 
19990218	Boss: Anyone who takes more than thirty minutes for lunch is unprofessional. Wally: That's still too long! I say you're unprofessional after SIX minutes! Boss: That's a little TOO professional, Wally. Wally: DEATH TO THOSE WHO EAT! 
19990219	Date: Would you like to see my pierced bellybutton? Dilbert: Um... AAAH! AAAH! OW! OW! OW! I still have a chance of a kiss is I keep this to dry heaves. 
19990220	Boss: This one has been on my desk for a month. It's critical. I'll stick it back in the pile and see if that helps. Yes, I feel better already. 
19990221	Wally: It's time now for the weekly Wally report. By Tuesday, the pointy-haired troll had dumped record levels of work on poor Wally. Wally's happiness was in extreme jeopardy. It was a moral dilemma too. Would Wally disappoint the stockholders to save his own skin? Or would he fight with his last ounce of happiness to complete all the assignments? In the end there was only one choice. Dilbert: You wrote the Wally report instead of working? Wally: STOP READING AHEAD! 
19990222	Boss: Dilbert, meet our new sacrificial lamb. I filled our headcount vacancy so we have someone to dump after the next budget cut. Allen: Should we shake hands? Dilbert: I don't want to get attached. 
19990223	Boss: Allen, I have to cut the salary budget. I probably shouldn't have hired you yesterday. Luckily, I have extra money in the furniture budget. Allen: As God as my witness, someday I will be a credenza. 
19990224	Caption: Catbert: H.R. Director. Allen: My boss treats me like furniture! Catbert: I'd help you, but it might set a dangerous precedent. Allen: I need a new position. Catbert: Have you tried crouching? 
19990225	Boss: Our executives have started their annual strategic planning sessions. This involves sitting in a room with inadequate data until an illusion of knowledge is attained. Then we'll reorganize, because that's all we know how to do! Wally: Have you tried it with a magazine? 
19990226	Pointy haired boss: ...so, Tina, you shouldn't have... Tina: I'm in trouble. Must use secret weapon. Tina: Waah!! Waah!! Everyone hates me no matter what I do!! Alice: Thanks, that lowered the glass ceiling about a foot. Tina: I plan to marry a rich guy.
19990227	Catbert: evil H.R. director Catbert's computer: "...new policy on reimbursement for travel..." Dilbert's computer: "Do not tip more than ten percent for meals..." Catbert's computer: "If the meal costs more than six dollars, bring back a fork." Catbert: Purrr
19990228	Pointy haired boss: Asok, I can't give raises to young employees. Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket... you buy small motorcycles and disappear in the night. I know that's a generalization. Some of you prefer the crack cocaine. The good news is that I'm willing to be your mentor. Asok: Aaagh! I got double eight hundreds on my sat!!! For what?!! Pointy haired boss: Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I tickle my own feet.
19990301	Dilbert: ... And we know mass creates gravity because dense planets have more gravity. Dogbert: How do we know which planets are more dense? Dilbert: They have more gravity. Dogbert: That's circular reasoning. Dilbert: I prefer to think of it as having no loose ends.
19990302	Pointy haired boss: Prepare a presentation for our foreign visitors. Dilbert: On what topic? Pointy haired boss: It doesn't matter. I'm told they're from Austria and they only understand their own language. (Or was it Australia?)
19990303	Dogbert: They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. So technically, if you kill a guy who's scheduled to speak, you're doing him a favor. When are you going to sleep? Dilbert: Never.
19990304	Dilbert: I'd like to start with a cartoon. It's about a guy who shows a cartoon before giving a boring presentation. But it doesn't work because the cartoon has no punchline.
19990305	Dilbert: This concluded my presentation. Are there any questions? Ted: How do I get the boredom out of my head?!! Dilbert: (The funny thing is that I'll list this on my annual accomplishments.) Ted: Air! I need air!!!
19990306	Wally: I believe God created the Earth because he hates people. And I believe coffee tastes better if you stir it with your finger. Dilbert: It sounds like a lonely religion. Wally: They all start out that way. 
19990307	Alice: ... So our morale is... Umm... What's that on your desk? Pointy haired boss: It's a family picture. Alice: I might be wrong, but I think it's only a picture of you. Pointy haired boss: the rest of the family is hard to look at. I see no reason I should suffer. Now what was your question about morale? Alice? We're surrounded by freaks.
19990308	Ted: MWA FWA FWA OOH MAH FUH Pointy haired boss: I can't understand a word you say. And you're poorly dressed. you must be some sort of technology expert or a rodeo clown. There's a fifty percent chance I hired a data network engineer. Alice: I smell hay.
19990309	Ted: WAH-WAH! WOO-HOO! YEE-HA! Dilbert: Just as I suspected the new guy is a rodeo clown. Wally: He's fast.
19990310	Dogbert: You must use the stars as your management guide. Pointy haired boss: Does that work? Dogbert: If you believe it works, then you're not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. So randomness is probably an improvement. Pointy haired boss: Q.E.D.
19990311	Pointy haired boss: My astrologer told me to approve your project plan as is. Alice: What?! That's the correct decision. What's going on here? My theory is that his ignorance clouded his poor judgment.
19990312	Pointy haired boss: My astrologer tells me that someone here is plotting to rip me off. Ted: How much is your astrologer charging you? Pointy haired boss: Are you plotting to rip me off? Dogbert: I prefer to call it hourly billing.
19990313	Dilbert: Yesterday you told me to do the exact opposite of what you told me today. Boss: It's my way of holding you accountable. Dilbert: I have a vague feeling that I am not being all that I can be. 
19990314	Dogbert: I'm from the Dogbert wrecking company. I'm running a special on crushing your boss's new car in the parking lot. Wally: What does it cost? Dogbert: The first one is free. If you're satisfied, I hope you'll consider my monthly plan. Wally: It's the red one. He brags about it every day. Boss: And when you spend that much, the dealer gives you a free model of your car! (Beep beep beep.) Wally: And next month can you crush the little one on his desk too? 
19990315	Dilbert: Who are you? Scapegoat: I'm a scapegoat. (BANG!) Boss: Oops. I was aiming for the messenger. Dilbert: It's his own fault for being here. 
19990316	Dilbert: I'm sorry you got shot, scapegoat. Scapegoat: I'm used to it. The worst was the day I blundered across the National Rifle Association's chili cook-off. At first, everyone wasnted to stand near me. Then the accusations started... 
19990317	Boss: I'm transferring you to the sales department, scapegoat. Then we can make useless products and blame you for our low sales. Scapegoat: Wouldn't it be better to make good products? Boss: In a perfect world. 
19990318	Woman: And then I said, "How am I supposed to do all that?" Then I glared at her. Dilbert: Do you have that woman's phone number? She sounds nicer than you. I don't see why it's MY fault she can't tell a decent story. 
19990319	Boss: Wally, did you finish the analysis for tomorrow? Wally: No. I'm waiting until the last minute so you won't have time to ask for unnecessary changes. Boss: I'm a step ahead of him - the analysis itself is unnecessary. 
19990320	Boss: I have to disagree with you, Alice. Alice: Have you noticed that every time we disagree, I'm eventually proved correct? EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Boss: Yes, but I'M always right initially. 
19990321	Boss: Alice, I'd like you to work with this big dumb guy. He doesn't know he's dumb, so he'll tell people YOU'RE dumb if you ever disagree. He's also lazy and a habitual liar. Alice: THEN WHY DO YOU LET HIM WORK HERE?! Boss: He has an excellent track record. No one knows why. Dumb Guy: Look what I just did. Boss: Excellent work. Remember, Alice, you're never too old to learn. 
19990322	Hammerhead: You're getting a visit from Hammerhead Bob! I can't tell when I'm boring. I might be boring now and I don't even know it. There's no way to end a conversation with me; I'll follow you to the bathroom. Dilbert: I'm nailed. 
19990323	Hammerhead: You can't escape the relentless conversation of Hammerhead Bob. Buwhaha! Your body language can't stop me! WHERE'S YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NOW?! Alice: EAR PLUGS, ASOK! EAR PLUGS! Asok: SOB* 
19990324	Carol: Wally, what's your project budget code? Wally: E473. Carol: I'm switching you to E947, effective immediately. Wally: Why? Carol: That's my new code for bald engineers. Wally: It will grow back! 
19990325	Co-worker: My wife had a baby! Wally: I hope it's not a moron. Dilbert: Have you looked into foster care? Maybe we shouldn't have gone with our first instinct. Wally: We meant well. 
19990326	Dilbert: I wish we could wear jeans at work. Wally: I'm wearing jeans right now. I wear my work pants over the jeans so no one will know how comfortable I am. Alice: Why does Wally's butt look so good today? Dilbert: I'm sworn to secrecy. 
19990327	Ratbert: I use art as a way of finding myself. Bob: You're over there, Ratbert, in front of a bad painting! And I did it without using any art. 
19990328	Dogbert: I'm trying a little experiment tonight. I'll attribute a stupid opinion to you... Then I'll aggressively mock you while you sit there saying nothing. So, according to you, the Internet is a passing fad. YOU MORON! LOOK AROUND YOU! THE INTERNET IS EVERYWHERE! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! NOTHING!! Dilbert: How did that feel? Dogbert: Quite satisfying. I needed a back-up plan in case you ever get laryngitis. 
19990329	Mom: ...I'm going infrared from the keyboard to my "Linux" box. Dilbert: Nice, mom. Mom: I just sent a flaming e-mail to Bill Gates, saying, "Linux rules!" Dilbert: You what? Bill: Launch the competitionkeeper missiles. 
19990330	Dilbert: Dogbert, mom told Bill Gates she uses the "Linux" operating system! Dogbert: I'm tracking four incoming missiles. I'll launch our anti-Microsoft weapons to intercept. Man: I wondered why a press conference was being held on a huge catapult. 
19990331	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: You'll need to do a hard reboot. Listen carefully. Rent a van and fill it with stolen dynamite. Park it near the power company's main relay station. Dilbert: Can we talk? Dogbert: ...Now aim the bazooka at the van. 
19990401	Boss: Wally, I've been calling you for two hours! Why don't you answer your phone? Wally: Is that a trick question? Boss: Wally, unless you're in a meeting... Wally: Hold on. I'd better get this. (Ring ring ring.) 
19990402	Dilbert: You're suggesting a process that will fail even if we do everything right. Ted: When can you start? Dilbert: Listen carefully. No amount of skill or effort can make this plan work. Ted: No pain, no gain. Dilbert: You're not working with many tools here, are you? Ted: We need some sort of conference call. 
19990403	Woman: I never told my last boyfriend what a despicable creep he was. BUT YOU'LL PAY FOR CRIMES, AND PAY DEARLY!!! Dilbert: Why don't you call him and tell him how you feel? Woman: I have a date with him at ten o'clock tonight. 
19990404	Boss: Dilbert, this is Peggy the P.R. director. I want you to review her press release for technical accuracy. Dilbert: Who wrote this? A trained squirrel? I don't know where to begin. I'll cross out the run-on sentences and transparent lies first. Then the failed attempts at cuteness...the spelling errors...grammar. There you go. Remember, criticism makes you stronger. It was a mistake to make her stronger. 
19990405	Boss: Our annual ISO 9000 audit is next week. We can pass the audit if we put all of our non-conforming documents in the trunks of our cars. Wally: Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a voluntary audit? Boss: And then torch the cars. 
19990406	Boss: Asok, I've chosen you to put our budget forecast together. It's a hard job, but you'll get the satisfaction of making everyone hate your tiny guts. Asok: My guts are not tiny. 
19990407	Caption: The budget cycle. Wally: And I'll need a helicopter, double rotor. Asok: If you have any respect for me or the budget process, you will not ask for such obvious budget padding. Wally: And I'll need that chopper filled with albino tiger cubs. 
19990408	Boss: Do you have the budget calculated yet, Asok? Asok: I need to double-check the numbers. Boss: Give me a copy now. I'll mentally adjust for the possibility the numbers are wrong. Asok: Am I making a huge mistake? Boss: This six is probably an upside-down nine. 
19990409	Dilbert: It's a funny thing about budgets... No matter how hard you try, there's always a spreadsheet error that makes it all an exercise in futility. Do you mind if I hum? 
19990410	Boss: I downsized the "ease of use" lab because there's no budget for a staff. Asok: They HAVE a budget. I put it on the back of these two-sided photocopies! Boss: Well, the lived by the sword, and they died by the sword. 
19990411	Dilbert: There's Ted. He never sent me the information he promised. Why have you ignored my request, Ted? Ted: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels. Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie. Dilbert: I DEMAND A PLAUSILBE LIE! Ted: Okay, maybe I WASN'T killed by military squirrels. But I WAS imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth. Wally: You can't prove that one either way. Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair. 
19990412	Boss: Introducing the new bonus plan. Asok: Yes!!! I'm already working at peak performance, so that bonus is as good as mine! Phil: Asok, Mr. Reality wanted to visit you, but his car won't start. I'm Phil. 
19990413	Phil: Asok, come to my secret lair and I will teach you about reality. Asok: Your secret lair is a dumpster? Phil: Get in. Asok: It's like my cubicle, but with much better lumbar support! Phil: French fry? 
19990414	Phil: Asok, life is like this dumpster. On one hand, it stinks... Asok: Both of my hands stink now. Phil: And then you reincarnate. 
19990415	Asok: Phil, you have taught me so much about life. How can I repay you? Phil: You can wax my huge spoon. Asok: Why do you have a huge spoon? Phil: I'm just lucky, I guess. 
19990416	Mom: Hello. May I speak to the moron who designed my computer? My computer locks up five times a day. I'm going to drive over to your house and kick your white, pimply... Dilbert: Hi, mom. Mom: Oh, I'll FIND it! 
19990417	Policeman: We have a report that you threatened to kill a computer manufacturer. Mom: It freezes up five times a day. I have to unplug it to turn it off. Policeman: Okay, we're with you. When's it going down? Mom: Is Tuesday good? 
19990418	Boss: Patty is our new "process manager." Patty doesn't know how to DO anything. She only knows how to do things BETTER! Patty: Process! For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process. And this intern obviously had no process for deciding whether to attend. Boss: Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her. Dilbert: You lasted longer than Timmy the "facilitator." 
19990419	Dilbert: Good morning! I said, good morning. Boss: If I convince them they don't exist, I won't have to pay them. 
19990420	Alice: As requested, I did a "risk management" assessment. I concluded that there was no risk of any management. Do you have anything to add? Boss: I'll get back to you. 
19990421	Caption: Dogbert consults. Dogbert: Eliminate phone support for your product. Provide help only via the Internet. Then discourage people by making them answer an ominous list of personal questions. Monitor: 1. What is your home address? 2. When do you shower? 
19990422	Tina: I just realized that if my project is a success, my job will be eliminated. The smartest thing I could do is fail miserably and blame it on your indecisiveness. I'm happy because I have a clear strategy! Boss: I haven't nodded in a while. 
19990423	Boss: Tell me what morale issues you have. I'll summarize them under the appropriate categories. Alice: My managers are incompetent, arrogant, micro-managing misogynists. Boss: That's one under "time of month." 
19990424	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Alice, you blame others for your low morale. BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOUR TIGHT PANTYHOSE! Alice: I don't think so. Catbert: Then how do you explain your oversized head? 
19990425	Caption: Dogbert presents managing by analogies. Dogbert: It's easy. Boss: We'll solve our distribution problem the eskimo way. Wally: Huh? Boss: The eskimos gather ice all winter long. Later, during the lean summer months, the eskimos eat the ice they stored. We'll do the same thing! Dilbert: But...the eskimos would starve if they only ate ice. Boss: Maybe they eat penguins too. They're delicious. Did you know that the zoo can ban you for life if they catch you using a hibachi? 
19990426	Dilbert: I lost two pounds. Dogbert: I'm happy. Guess why. Paper: News. Dilbert: Because your supportive? Dogbert: Because there's less of you. Paper: News. Dilbert: I was hoping for a scrap of encouragement. Dogbert: I'm all tapped out. Try back tomorrow. Paper: News. 
19990427	Boss: Do you have those budget numbers from last month? Dilbert: They're totally inaccurate. Boss: I know, but those are the only numbers we have. Dilbert: Actually, we have infinite inaccurate numbers to choose from. Boss: Let's keep those in our back pocket in case we need them. Dilbert: I'll encrypt them so no one else can use them. 
19990428	Alice: Asok, I've been calling and calling, but you don't pick up your phone. I'd like you to meet a little something I call the "fist of death." Wally: It looks like he gnawed through the wall to wscape. 
19990429	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: I'm starting an employee skills database. Asok: Question: Is this the first step in moving everyone to jobs they don't want? Catbert: No, no, no...The FIRST step was when I laughed myself fuzzy thinking about it. 
19990430	Pointy haired boss: There's been a rash of thefts from cubicles Pointy haired boss: The suspect is described as fat and slow-witted, with pointy hair. Pointy haired boss: The bulletin stops short of actually naming her Alice.
19990501	Dilbert: I used a hidden camera to capture the thief who's been raiding our cubicles Pointy haired boss: The picture is grainy but I can almost make out a human form.... or maybe a cat...
19990502	Boss: The project will take six months... Overhead: Time line. Boss: Unless there are unforeseen problems. Dilbert: Question. Your leadership has made me unmotivated. Is that considered foreseen of unforeseen? And Wally is dysfunctional on many levels. Wally: I really am. Dilbert: Was that foreseen? Or are you saying the schedule is random? He looks mad. Alice: I didn't see that coming. 
19990503	Wally: The boss is away. An unscrupulous employee could send e-mail from his account. Message: The following employees have odd-looking nostrils. 
19990504	VP: Continue with your presentation while I take this quick call. (Ring ring.) Dilbert: Go ahead and ignore me, you vice presidential pile of stinkin' monkey... VP: Okay, bye. Dilbert: Crapital spending. VP: Look how small my phone is. 
19990505	Boss: Asok, when I was your age I'd eat a huge breakfast, so I wouldn't have to stop working for lunch. Then I'd eat a huge lunch, so I could work all night, or until dinner, whichever came first. That's how I got to be the man I am today. Asok: Fat? 
19990506	Salesman: This is our most reliable computer, unless you try to use software. It'll freeze several times a day. But you can restart it by poking a spoon into a hole in the back. Mom: Has that ever worked? Salesman: We think people are doing it wrong. 
19990507	Engineer: Chest pains...My heart... I INVENTED AN ANTIGRAVITY BELT, BUT IT'S HIDDEN!! Ted: Do you think it's true? Dilbert: It's what engineers say to increase the odds of getting CPR. 
19990508	Boss: Tina, I want you to write the Chinese version of our product's instructions. Tina: Can you tell the difference between Chinese words and random scribbles? Boss: No. Tina: I'll be done in five minutes. 
19990509	Boss: I made a few upgrades to your design, Alice. Alice: Do you realize you're not an engineer? Boss: I'm better: I'm a well-rounded graduate of a liberal arts college. The broad exposure to diverse topics made me what I am today. A modern renaissance man. Alice: You scribbled out my timing circuit and wrote in, "Moby Dick by Charles Dickens." Boss: Exactly. I'll bet you didn't learn THAT in your engineering classes! 
19990510	Boss: We've reduced the volume of technical support calls... By replacing our "on hold" music with the sound that balloons make when you rub them . Wally: Do you ever feel like we're driving the getaway car? 
19990511	Asok: I've finished all of my objectives for the rest of the year. What happens now? Do you double my salary, or do I take the rest of the year off? You were wrong, Wally: There IS harm in asking. Wally: Oops. 
19990512	Asok: I fear I am not meeting my personal goal of self-actualization. I put all of our outdated binders in alphabetical order as you requested, yet I feel unfulfilled. I assume that in phase two of this project I will find meaning. Boss: Now ship the binders to the dump. 
19990513	Asok: Wally, what is the quickest way to send these old binders to the landfill? Wally: I usually use "FedEx." Charge it to marketing; they never look at their expense reports. Asok: Here's one more thing I can never tell anyone about my job. 
19990514	Boss: We'll redesign our processes to enable enterprise integration of knowledge resources and tools. Wally: Question: Is it okay if I do nothing? Boss: No. Wally: Well, excuse me for asking. 
19990515	Dilbert: This completes my portion of the project. This project is so well-engineered it would take a squadron of idiots to ruin it. Caption: Meanwhile in marketing. Marketer: And when I'm napping, it is NOT okay to use my ears as coasters. 
19990516	Ted: Blah blah blah. Wally: I'll have to be proactive to escape this boring meeting. I'll fake my own death and hope someone drags me into the hallway. AACK!! MY COFFEE IS POISONED! Dilbert: Maybe we should drag him into the hallway. Alice: No. Let's wait for him to stiffen. Then he'll be easier to drag. Ted: We should pose him before he stiffens. Dilbert: Something obscene? Alice: Or spread eagle, so he won't fit in a casket. Wally: It never pays to be the proactive one. 
19990517	Pointy Hair Boss: LOOK AT THS GREAT ALPHA-NUMERIC PAGER i BOUGHT. Wally: WOW! IT'S THE KIND THAT CLIPS TO YOUR EAR INSTEAD OF YOUR BELT. Pointy Hair Boss: IS IT? Dilbert: YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. Pointy Hair Boss: OW! OW!
19990518	Pointy Hair Boss: WALLY, ARE YOU SURE THIS KIND OF PAGER IS SUPPOSED TO CLIP ON MY EAR? Pointy Hair Boss:IT HURTS.  MAYBE YOU CAN CALL SOME-ONE TO DOUBLE CHECK. Wally: GOOD IDEA. Phone: BEEP BEEP BEEP Pager: BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ Wally:IS THERE ANTHING ELSE I CA DO FOR YOU?
19990519	Asok: Aaagh! I'm having a recovered memory of ritual abuse! Wally: You had your annual performance review this morning. Asok: Do the memories ever fade? Dilbert: It takes about twelve months. 
19990520	Woman: Well, we're almost back to my place. Thanks for the date. I can make it from here. Dilbert: I'd better attach the tracking device. Woman: I'll run down that alley and hide until he leaves. 
19990521	Dilbert: My date tried to run away, but I attached a tracking device to her coat. Now I'll just compromise a spy satellite and a radio network. Radio: ...So, if next weekend is good, nod once. 
19990522	Boss: Alice, I expect you to work all night to finish that project. It's vital! Alice: Aagh!! I'm a victim of a random act of management! Boss: I was sure the arm-pumping would make it seem less random. 
19990523	Dilbert: Can I ask a quick question? Co-worker: I doubt it. Oh, sure, it'll start as an innocent, work-related question. Then you'll try to impress me with your knowledge of engineering... ...In the pathetic hope that I value intelligence over physical appearance. WELL, I DON'T!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT LOOKS! Dilbert: Do you drive a red BMW? The lights are on. Dogbert: And you still tried to ask her out? Dilbert: She's hard to read. 
19990524	Dogbert: I'll give you a million dollars if you go to work like that. Dilbert: I'll call your bluff. I'm going right now! Dogbert: Go ahead! Tonight I expect a long debate over the exact definition of "go to work like that." 
19990525	Boss: A bathrobe! This can only mean he found out how much market power an engineer has. I'LL GIVE YOU A 30% RAISE IF YOU DON'T QUIT!! Dilbert: Um...okay. Woman: Take me, you terry-cloth rebel. 
19990526	Rebel woman: when I saw you wear a bathrobe to work, I knew you were a rebel. From now on, when you come upon a group of us cool rebels, we don't suddenly stop talking. Rebel man: But if I'm right, and yellow is a flavor, I get to hammer a nail into your skull.
19990527	Rebel1: You must be the new office rebel we heard about. Nice bathrobe. Rebel2: We're called rebels because we're easily manipulated into doing stupid things. Rebel1: Give it up for us! Whoo whoo! Dilbert: I dare you to use branding irons on each other right now. Rebel1: Start the fire! 
19990528	Dilbert: You said you'd give me a million bucks if I went to work like this. Pay up. Dogbert: I'll bet you double or nothing that you won't go to work totally naked. Dilbert: Wait...What were his exact words? 
19990529	Boss: Carol, give everyone a copy of my reorg announcement. Carol: They're already organized this way because I never distributed your last reorg announcement. LET'S SEE YOUR "EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK" DO THAT! 
19990530	Boss: Alice, make a few changes to this contract. Alice: Changes? This contract was signed months ago. Boss: It doesn't hurt to ask. Alice: You want me to ask for a sixty percent discount? Boss: No one said it would be easy. Alice: You're asking me to be a clueless jerk in front of our primary vendor. Please don't ask me to do this. Boss: And ask if they'll change the part about "acts of God" to include poltergeists. That's why our vendors never steal our best employees. 
19990531	Co-worker: But then I... Alice: Excuse me. Does your story EVER end? Or must I purchase your silence with my fist of death? I might have to go to a two-warning system. 
19990601	Boss: Alice, it's okay for men to be assertive, but when a woman acts that way... Well, it's the "b" word. Alice: Boxer? Boss: O-o-okay. 
19990602	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Alice, did you kill another co-worker? Alice: Yes. Catbert: But you did not discriminate, sexually harass, steal or take drugs. Hmm... It looks like I have to give you an award for your cost-saving idea. Alice: Thank you. 
19990603	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: Asok, you have taken too many training classes. Asok: Too many? Catbert: You're too skilled now. There's a risk you'll leave for a better job. Asok: Does the "secret untraining method" work every time? Catbert: I've never tried it before. 
19990604	Caption: Dogbert consults. Dogbert: Spray this Teflon(tm) on your body to better ignore the input of your subordinates. (SPLOIT!) Dogbert: Next time, shake well before using. Boss: Who cares what you say?! 
19990605	Dilbert: That's my opinion. Boss: Nice try, but I can wipe it off with a damp sponge!! 
19990606	Boss: E-mail two copies to me when you're done. Dilbert: Two copies? It's E-mail. Boss: So? Dilbert: Never mind. I'll e-mail two copies. Boss: And fax a copy on green paper for my files. Dilbert: Green? It's a FAX! Boss: And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing. Dilbert: Motivation...gone...losing...consciousness... Boss: How did I end up with all the lazy employees? 
19990607	Alice: I can't talk now, Wally. I'm rushing to meet my deadline. Wally: Sounds like poor planning. Why must I suffer? Do you mind if I stay here and think up new nicknames for coffee? Java-wava...Bean brew... 
19990608	Alice: Will you PLEASE go hang in someone else's cubicle? I need to finish my project. Boss: Hey, I see Wally is helping on the project. Good teamwork, Wally! Wally: I hope you do good work. I have a reputation to maintain. 
19990609	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to testify in the lawsuit against our company. Tell the truth, but do it in your usual engineering way so that no one understands you. Dilbert: Actually, I've decided to be a whistle-blower. Boss: Whatever. It'll all sound the same. 
19990610	Caption: The corporate lawyer. Lawyer: Let's prepare for your court testimony. I'll pretend to be the other side. LIAR! WHY IS YOUR ATTORNEY SO HANDSOME? (WHAP!) Dilbert: They can hit me? Lawyer: I don't see why not. 
19990611	Lawyer: Can you explain the meaning of this internal e-mail message? Dilbert: It say we'll "use integration tools to leverage the utility of our enterprise-wide processes" Dilbert: It appears to be something we call communication Layer: Perjury!
19990612	Lawyer: Okay, whistle-blower, explain to the jury the alleged crimes of your employer. Dilbert: ...Then our applets were designed to corrupt cookie data from all competing portals. Nice jury selection. Lawyer: So far you've made them hungry. 
19990613	Dilbert: So, that's my idea. What do you think? Boss: Dilbert, you are so naive. There are many things you don't understand. Dilbert: That's because you never tell me anything! LIKE NO FOR EXAMPLE! Boss: Dilbert, Dilbert, Dilbert... Dilbert: Jeepers cripes! Just tell me what's wrong with my idea! Boss: Lean over here so I can pat your head in a condescending way. Dogbert: So you took the pat? Dilbert: I didn't want to leave empty-handed. 
19990614	Alice: Heh-heh...I'm using company resources to e-mail my resume to a headhunter. It's the perfect crime. Boss: I've got mail! 
19990615	Boss: I just got this resume from a headhunter. Evaluate her engineering skills and let me know if I should interview her. Dilbert: Well, Alice, you're almost qualified to work here, but I'm concerned about your loyalty. 
19990616	Alice: I'll wear a clever disguise then interview for the engineering job here. If he offers me more money than I make now, I'll take the job. Heh-heh. Boss: You're suspiciously fashionable for an engineer. Alice: I store tools up there. 
19990617	Boss: I'm prepared to offer you $120,000 per year plus a parking space for your gigantic hat. Alice: Ha ha! It is I, Alice! I accept your offer for a higher-paying job! Catbert: Ha ha! It is I, Catbert! I'm not authorized to hire anyone! Alice: #!*@ing cat! 
19990618	Dilbert: She's hiding her name tag so I won't get friendly with her. I'll toss these fake babies in the air. When she catches them, I'll see her name and start flirting. Dang! I knew I should have brought a third fake baby. 
19990619	Dilbert: These fake rubber babies will make me a chick magnet. Fly: Bzzzzzz. Dilbert: Stupid fly. (WHAP!) It's tough love. 
19990620	Caption: Catbert: evil director of human resources. Catbert: I hired a new engineer for your project. He's never been an engineer before. But YOU'RE an engineer, so how hard could it be? And he's cheap! I'll get a huge raise for being under budget. AND YOUR PROJECT WILL FAIL! HA HA HA HA! Uh-oh. I laughed myself full of static electricity. New Hire: Fuzzy. Cute. (ZAP!) Dilbert: He's dead. Now what? Catbert: I guess you'll have to drag him to meetings. 
19990621	Boss: Now move the thing next to the other thing and label it "RAM cache." I'm your boss, so it stands to reason that I'm a better engineer than you. Dilbert: I'm telling you I'm working on my timeline chart. Boss: No, I'm sure that's a circuit design. 
19990622	Boss: Asok, I'm moving you to my "quality assurance" group. I realize this is bad for you...and bad for the company...but it solves my headcount problem. Asok: Will that be my contribution to the world: "He solved a headcount problem"? Wally: That tops me. 
19990623	Asok: They're transferring me to "quality assurance," Wally. BUT I'LL BE BACK, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES OR HOW HARD! JUST STAY ALIVE!! Wally: Wow. There must be a million web sites about wiener dogs. 
19990624	Asok: I'm exiled to the quality assurance department. My career is doomed. I can't let my old department forget me. They're my only hope of returning to engineering. Dilbert: It must be break time in the Q.A. department. Wally: I'll get the fire hose. 
19990625	Dilbert: Asok! Did you escape your job at quality assurance? Asok: Yes. I had to take a job as a secretary's assistant. I'll work my way back up to intern. Carol: It's four o'clock. Call my kids and yell at them. Asok: Cursing or no cursing? 
19990626	Caption: Catbert: evil H.R. director. Catbert: I will now use the science of face-reading to determine your potential. I see your face riding proudly atop a mighty thoroughbred horse. Wally: Jockey! Catbert: Saddle. 
19990627	Wally: Someone should take care of that problem! Dilbert: YOU could take care of it. Wally: I can't do everything. Alice: You don't do anything. Asok: Not a single thing. Wally: It's my job to angrily identify problems. Boss: Wally... That is NOT your job! Wally: What? Everything is so ambiguous here! Someone should take care of that problem! Is it just me, or is this meeting taking forever? 
19990628	Caption: Cube farming. Farmer: Weed. Got it. Dilbert: Suddenly there's more light...and I feel more nourished. 
19990629	Caption: Cube farming. Farmer: He outgrew his container. I'll replant him in a big container with a door. Wally: Why do tall guys always get picked? Dilbert: I'm sure there's a good reason. 
19990630	Farmer: My cube farm has an excellent crop this year. Her you go, fella. This will fatten you up. If you ever need salt, just lick this pretzel stick. Dilbert: Mmm...Ooh! 
19990701	Farmer: My cube farm has an excellent yield this year. I reckon I'll have to put this one down so he won't reproduce. Sorry. Wally: No problem; I hear that a lot. 
19990702	Pointy haired boss: Do you want to see a technical trick I taught myself? Pointy haired boss: If I shuffle my feet, I can make a tiny spark with my finger. ZZZZ Pointy haired boss: She's right; this thing does make an excellent door-stop.
19990703	Dogbert's Tech Support  Dogbert: If you upgrade your software, all of your data will be lost. Dogbert: But if you don't upgrade, the old software will corrupt your data one Bit at a time. Dogbert: And if you try to back up your data, our software will hunt you down and Bit-slap you until you delete it yourself!
19990704	Pointy haired boss: If you don't finish the project on time, I'll probably lose my job. Asok: What would happen to us? Dilbert: We would get a better boss. Wally: We might get a better project too! Alice: There could be weeks of confusion with no work at all! YAY!! Alice: It's all ours if we simply do less work! Alice: Whoo! I've never felt my morale go up before. Alice: I'm dizzy. Pointy haired boss: *!%#
19990705	Pointy haired boss: It has come to my attention that some of you believe there are hidden cameras in the ceiling. Asok: How did that come to your attention? Pointy haired boss: Hey, aren't you the one we call "Mister Itchy"?
19990706	Old Man: I DID IT! It's a strategic technology plan that everyone supports. If only there were a way to copy images from one piece of paper onto many. 
19990707	Boss: Your analysis disagrees with my intuition. Dilbert: Your intuition also told you the Internet would be replaced by modems...whatever that means. Boss: I'm understood, just like...um...what's-his-face. Dilbert: Satan? 
19990708	Boss: Before I eat a sandwich, I always remove the useless edges of the bread. That tells you what kind of manager I am. Asok: You're the anti-crust? 
19990709	Dogbert: I'm here to perform an exorcism. Boss: YOUR MOTHER IMPLEMENTS MULTI-VENDOR PROCESSES WITHOUT SYNERGY!! Dogbert: Here's the problem. Someone gave you this oversized coffee mug. Boss: REORG!! 
19990710	Boss: Meet with our vendor and come up with a plan. I'll do the same with their executives. Dilbert: Can you see any reason why MY meeting might be a complete waste of time? Boss: Sure, lots of them, but I'm planning to spring those on you during your performance review. 
19990711	Boss: I need your budget estimate today. Asok: We won't have useful numbers until next week. Dilbert: It doesn't work that way, Asok. Asok: No? Dilbert: As soon as he asked the question, he went into "boss hibernation." He can't see or hear anything until we say a number. Watch. Three million dollars. Boss: Uhn! Three million. Good work. Dilbert: The first time I saw it, I panicked and ended up with a budget of $911. 
19990712	Dilbert: What's your new management book about? Dogbert: It's a bunch of obvious advice packaged with quotes from famous dead people. Dilbert: Did Gandhi really say "Get that #!@% dessert cart off of my foot!"? Dogbert: He might have. 
19990713	Caption: Dogbert gets a loan. Dogbert: I plan to buy all the copies of a book I authored, thus making it a bestseller. And I'd like to use your house as collateral. Unless it's a dump. Banker: How are you planning to pay us back? Dogbert: Do you take books? 
19990714	Caption: Dogbert in Hollywood. Producer: I'd like to turn your book into a movie. We have to keep it real, so any normal person can relate to it. Dogbert: Do you know any normal people? Producer: No, but I'm willing to watch movies to learn about them. 
19990715	Boy: Mister Dogbert, would you autograph my book? Dogbert: Sure, kid. But I'll need to use your back as a flat surface. Dilbert: He's got parents. Dogbert: "Matthew: won't fit, so I'll call him "Allen." 
19990716	Dogbert: Did you know you can buy your own island nation? Flyer: Islands. Dogbert: They even sell a kit that helps you conquer and oppress the indigent people! I'd like to buy Rhode Island...and one "evil tyrant" conquest kit. Phone: Would you like a flag with that? 
19990717	Television: In tape one, I'll teach you how to conquer a small island for no money down. First you must travel to the place you plan to conquer. Dogbert: I'm designed for sitting. That's why my but is covered with soft fur. Dilbert: I think that's happening to me too. 
19990718	Caption: The Feng Shui consultant. Dogbert: This office is swarming with evil spirits. Boss: It is? Dogbert: There's one in your vent! Ooh - he ducked back in before you saw him. Put rubber bands around your pant legs to keep the spirits out of your trousers. I figure the evil spirits will mount a rear assault through that window. AAAGH! Boss: WHAT DID YOU SEE?!! Dogbert: It's gone now. Your only hope is to turn your secretary's cubicle into a Koi pond. Dilbert: Do you feel any luckier? Carol: *#!@%* 
19990719	Dilbert: May I have a tissue? Carol: NO! Why should the low-paid secretary provide free tissue to engineers? Wally: Hey, free tissues! Carol: GAAA! 
19990720	Boss: Reorganizing didn't work. We're going to try something new. Synergistic realignment! Dilbert: What did I tell you about doing "the wave"? Asok: I got swept up in the emotion. 
19990721	Tina The Tech Writer  Tina The Tech Writer: My derogatory condescending e-mail will set things right. Tina The Tech Writer: Send! CLICK Tina The Tech Writer: Every time I send e-mail, I get a stomachache and an urge to flee the country.
19990722	Mordac: Why do you seek Mordac - the preventer of information services? Tina: I regret sending an insulting e-mail message to our CIO. I need to delete it from the server. Tina: The server was in that closet, right? Mordac: That's the CIO's office.
19990723	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director  Catbert: Tina, you are accused of shooting the CIO's credenza five times. Catbert: I'm writing "Tina was bad" on this cardboard. I order you to attach it to a special hat for two weeks. Dilbert: How did it go? Tina: I got a suspended sentence.
19990724	Pointy haired boss: Our new software will gently warm your keyboard so the keys are easier to press. Pointy haired boss: We'll bundle it with our software that makes your laptop lighter. Pointy haired boss: In a word, we have become "market driven." Wally: Create a diversion. I'll run for help.
19990725	Boss: Welcome... ...To our annual employee meeting. Our theme this year is "the Hindenburg." ...Which I'm told was a famous cigar-shaped balloon. Let's all thank Alice for choosing the theme and planning the event. Now please enjoy this film clip of the Hindenburg. Film: Aaagh! The humanity! Wally: He's coming for you. Detonate his costume. Alice: One, two... 
19990726	Dilbert: You gave me a project that can't get funded because it's not in the strategic plan. And you won't let me make waves by asking for a change to the strategic plan. So I'll be in my cubicle creating "PowerPoint" slides and praying for a reorganization. 
19990727	Boss: Wally, your performance is slipping again. This calls for my most severe disciplinary action. Asok: HE MADE YOU WATCH HIM EAT? Dilbert: MONSTER! 
19990728	Juan: My name is Juan Delegator. I bring you an assignment. Dilbert: This is YOUR assignment. You're trying to get me to do your work. Juan: Teamwork. Dilbert: Well, I guess I could do you a favor. Juan: And I wouldn't say no to a haircut. 
19990729	Caption: Juan Delegator. Juan: ...And this one also requires your decision before I can work on it. Do you have any more assignments for me that I can turn into work for you? Boss: No. Juan: And have you learned your lesson? Boss: Yes: give all work to Alice. 
19990730	Boss: Overtime is no longer mandatory. It's required. I manage and I manage, but nothing seems to make them happy. Asok: Grrrr. 
19990731	Dilbert: We need six weeks to make a good product design. Asok: You gave us three. Dilbert: Thanks to your leadership, the product is bad, our stock will plunge, and our lives are totally meaningless. Oh, and happy birthday. Asok: We all signed a card. 
19990801	Boss: Our new policy from our CEO bans coffee from cubicles. Because, he says, "it causes a distraction" and can "mess up a desk." Dilbert: How did... Alice: Hold it, Dilbert. Wally: It's Alice's turn. Alice: You get the next easy one. Wally: Make us proud. Alice: Ahem, ahem. How did he become a CEO... ...If he's too stupid to drink coffee and work at the same time? (Clap clap.) Boss: Our CEO also discussed unnecessary expenses. Wally: Lucky! Dilbert: Ahem. 
19990802	Boss: It took me three days to enter all of my appointments into this PDA. I'll enter our next meeting. TUESDAY...TWO O'CLOCK. Wally: Is it voice-controlled? Boss: I sure hope so. 
19990803	Customer: Finally! I've been in the tech support queue for an hour! Dogbert: Loser. Customer: Can I speak to your superior? Dogbert: There's some religious debate on that question. 
19990804	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Customer: Hello, I... Dogbert: Shut up and reboot. Customer: Hey, it worked... Dogbert: Shut up and hang up. My average call time is improving. 
19990805	Bob: Computers aren't for everyone. I love my trusty manual typewriter. Oops. I hope I can correct that before all my friends evolve into birds. 
19990806	Alice: I feel sick every morning. All day long, I feel like either crying or punching people. Doctor: You've got a bad case of Mahjobis Crappus. 
19990807	Alice: Are you saying my job makes me sick. Doctor: Don't worry. There's a cure. Here's a brochure on assisted suicide. Alice: How do you assist? Doctor: I gave you the brochure. 
19990808	Salesman: You're a tough negotiator, but I think we have a deal. Just sign the contract and we'll deliver the equipment. Dilbert: This contract is totally different from what we agreed. Salesman: Must act surprised. Really? Dilbert: Why are you springing all these conditions on me at the last minute? Salesman: No one has ever complained before. Dilbert: May I borrow your briefcase for a minute? Salesman: Um...Okay. That wasn't nice. Dilbert: No one has complained before. 
19990809	Wally: Your requirements document is the biggest I've ever seen. It's too big to read, but I can guess from its weight what must be in there. Engineer: You know it's a multi-user, global system, right? Wally: No, I'm not getting that. 
19990810	Dilbert: One of us will have to read this gigantic product requirements document. Wally: Unless it gets destroyed in a freak accident. Asok: It's like watching Thomas Edison work. Wally: I have some oily rags in my cube. 
19990811	Dilbert: The huge product requirements document was destroyed in a freak accident. Boss: I'll ask marketing to send you a new copy. Wally: I told you we can't stop them one-bee-at-a-time. We have to go for the queen. 
19990812	Dilbert: I'm going to capture the queen bee of marketing. Dogbert: No matter what she says, don't be seduced by her marketing buzz. Assistant: A man with a rope is here to see you. I wasn't loyal enough to stop him. 
19990813	Caption: Queen bee of marketing. Queen: See if you can create a buzz over this. Assistant: Yes, my queen. Queen: Is that a free rope? Give it to me, you worthless engineer! Look, everyone! There's enough to go around my neck and over that beam! 
19990814	Pointy haired boss: It seems a bit dark in my office today. Pointy haired boss: I think you employees are hogging all the electricity. Pointy haired boss: You just double-clicked! I heard it!
19990815	Carol: The pointy-haired boss wants to see you. He tried to reach you by phone, e-mail and pager. But you resisted his electronic attempts to ruin your productivity. So he decided to send in the ground troops. DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! Boss: Could you wait outside while I return some phone calls? Wally: Get to the back of the line. Dilbert: Does anyone want to have a conversation? Co-worker: I have a magazine. 
19990816	Caption: Hammerhead Bob. Bob: Are you going to lunch? I'll join you! ...And that's why it's called a "clean room." But how clean is it really? I'll speak louder in case the other tables want in on this. 
19990817	Bob: My spring-loaded butt will help me join nearby conversations faster. Wally: So then I... (Sproing.) Bob: Did you know I'm an authority on whatever you're discussing? 
19991019	Pointy haired boss: Every department was asked how it could reduce its budget ten percent. Your project is vital to the future of the company, so I cleverly offered to eliminate it, knowing the couldn't accept. Now this is the funny part...
19991026	Tina: Why must the tech writers be downsized after the merger? Tina: If you prick us, do we not bleed like engineers? Dilbert: What kind of experiment?
20000218	Carol: He's on the phone. You'll have to stand here and wait. Don't leave. Don't make noise. Don't try talking to me. Dilbert: Arm hair LX-943 is growing nicely.
20000219	Asok: I created a prison Morse code so we can communicate during the day. Tap your secret messages on the cubicle wall. Isentyouemail.
20000316	The psychologist. Psychologist: It's normal to have stress when a merger is pending. Alice: Merger? What merger? Psychologist: There I go again!
20000317	Wally: Should I be trying to discover a shared vision that will foster enrollment rather than compliance? Or should I modify my conceptual map to focus on organizational complexity? Pointy haired boss: Is any of that the same as work? Wally: It pays the same.
20000326	Pointy haired boss: Tina, Move that title... Pointy haired boss: ...over here. Tina: AAAGH!! Tina: Your finger oil is on my screen!!! Tina: Now I have to spend ten minutes cleaning it... Tina: ...because you don't understand how to hover your finger. Tina: See?! This isn't hard. You hover the finger! Don't touch! Pointy haired boss: I hope I'm not losing my aura of infallibility.
20000328	Woman: I reviewed your CD-ROM business card last night. Dilbert: I browsed your personal web page. Maybe we should do some conversation. Woman: I already had one in my head.
20000329	Dilbert: Anne, I need you to review my first draft. Anne: Typo! Aaagh! My world is flying apart!!! Wally: You killed Anne L. Retentive with a typo? Dilbert: No, she's in a comma.
20000330	Dilbert: I did the analysis using your bad assumptions. Dilbert: Then I applied your flawed logic and arrived at your predetermined answer. Dilbert: Shall I begin disillusioning the team? Pointy haired boss: This needs a pie chart.
20000402	Ted: Can you sing or dance? Dilbert: Ted? I thought you resigned in disgust two weeks ago. Ted: Well... I wrote a huge resignation manifesto that I planned to e-mail to the entire company. Ted: But I thought it needed pictures. Ted: Before long I was adding video clips and humorous sound files. Ted: Then I thought hey, why not put it all on a web site? Ted: Now I'm turning the whole thing into an off broadway theatre production. Dilbert: I saw my first motivated employee today.
20000403	Wally: I'm thinking about going out ona  fake disability claim. Wally: Do you think anyone will believe I'm disabled? Dilbert: It's hard to believe you're not. Wally: Do you need a note from my doctor? Pointy haired boss: No, it's been obvious for a long time.
20000406	Wally: I came back early from my fake disability leave. Wally: I missed the camaraderie and the stimulating conversation. Dilbert: I didn't know you were gone. Wally: Not bad for a tuesday.
20000409	Pointy haired boss: Fly to austin and answer some questions for a big customer. Dilbert: Doesn't this customer have a telephone? Pointy haired boss: You don't CALL big customers! Dilbert: Um... Why not? Pointy haired boss: You have to go in person to show that you care. Dilbert: Actually, that would show that I don't understand the concept of the telephone. Pointy haired boss: Just go. Customer: Do they have these where you come from?
20000410	Dogbert: Remember the time you went skydiving? Dilbert: No. Dogbert: You will. I'm planting false memories in your subconscious. Dilbert: It won't work. Dogbert: But you believe you went to college, right?
20000411	Dilbert: Did I ever tell you about the time I went skydiving? Alice: That sounds like a false memory planted by Dogbert. Dilbert: Bah! Dilbert: My parachute didn't open. Luckily, I landed on a trampoline and bounced back into the plane.
20000412	Pointy haired boss: Take this to the technology buddha for enlightenment. Dilbert: He's busy meditating. Dilbert: He must be very wise. Technology buddha: Huge bowl of vanilla ice cream.
20000413	Dilbert: How did you become so enlightened? Technology buddha: I just eat a lot and tell people their ideas stink. Technology buddha: Whose shoe did you scrape this off of?
20000414	Alice: I'd quit this job, but next year I'll get an extra week of vacation. Dilbert: If you get an extra week for every ten years of service... Dilbert: ...you'll be happy in 480 years. Dilbert: Good plan. Alice: Shut up.
20000415	Catbert: Would you work harder if we offered stock incentives? Dilbert: Yes. Catbert: So you admit you're not working hard enough now. Dilbert: Umm... Catbert: Lastly, are you still beating up customers?
20000417	Ken: I got huge severance packages from my last four employers. Ken: If I get fired one more time I can retire. Pointy haired boss: Ken, we need to talk. Ken: KA-CHING!
20000418	Wally: I've been taking a self-paced online training course to "sharpen my saw." Pointy haired boss: What's the subject? Wally: I don't know. Pointy haired boss: How could you not know?! Wally: What part of "self-paced" is confusing you?
20000419	The Company Sadist: I'll make your life miserable! I'll thwart your every move! The Company Sadist: Hi. I'm the new sadist. Dilbert: What happened to the old one? The Company Sadist: He went to sadist paradise. Dilbert: The auditing department?
20000420	The Company Sadist: You're invited to my four-hour meeting. The Company Sadist: There's no agenda. It's just supposed to hurt. Dilbert: Any donuts? The Company Sadist: Yes, but I'll drop one on the floor and hide it with the others. Dilbert: I like those odds.
20000421	The Company Sadist: I forwarded your e-mail to everyone. Alice: Gaaa! That e-mail insulted half the people on our project!! Co-Worker: That's an interesting theory about why my hair is brown.
20000422	Alice: Okay, Sadist, it's time to meet the fist of death. Note from the author: If you are the sort of person who is influenced by comic strips, I assure you nothing bad or violent happens next. Alice and the Sadist discuss their differences and become lifelong friends. Dilbert: What was in that big bag I helped you drag to the dumpster?
20000423	Wally: ZZZZZ Wally: It's time to complain about my workload. Wally: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of assignments. Wally: I'm working day and night! Wally: I've got projects, assignments, deliverables, tasks... Wally: ... must-do items, action items, fire drills, and dog and pony shows. Pointy haired boss: Wally, I have an assignment for you. Wally: ! Wally: I solved my glare problem.
20000424	Pointy haired boss: I finished the project plan without your input. Pointy haired boss: You would have lied to me anyway, so I just skipped that step. Pointy haired boss: I've already assigned blame for failure, but don't worry, it's just preliminary.
20000425	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert is one of our social misfits. Pointy haired boss: Your job is to keep him away from normal people. Dilbert: Hello! I'm right here! Pointy haired boss: Your title will be "Engineering Liaison."
20000426	Engineering Liaison: Tell me your project status and I'll translate for our clients. Dilbert: The project will never be completed because our idiot clients change the requirements every other day. Engineering Liaison: I'll just say you're drunk.
20000608	Edfred: Hi, I'm Edfred, the two-faced employee. If you tell your boss his new plan is stupid I'll back you up. Dilbert: Really? Dilbert thinking: I don't like the looks of this. 
20000629	Ratbert the concierge. Wally: I'd like a date with a woman who thinks I'm hot. Remember, you promised you would do any errand for employees. Wally: Tell me again how hot I am.
20000630	Company concierge. Pointy haired boss: I don't have time for my doctor appointment. Go in my place and tell him you're having trouble sleeping at your desk. And don't let him sweet-talk you about diet and exercise. I want pills! 
20000701	Company concierge. Employee: I need an alibi. The police will try to beat the truth out of you, but don't let them break you! I also need lye... and a barrel... better yet, make that two barrels.
20000702	Ted: We had fifteen system failures with the previous software. Dilbert: Your data aren't actionable. Ted: What? Dilbert: Your presentation has no practical value. Ted: Well, if that's suddenly a crime then call me guilty. Wally: Now the meeting feels awkward. Can we go back to acting interested? Dilbert: I guess. Ted: Fine. Let's put this ugly incident behind us. And if you multiple the digits, you get five.
20000703	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, you'll be working with Lulu. She's almost normal. But she has no sense of proportions for problems. Dilbert: Did you notice that he looked at you funny? Lulu: WHAT?!
20000704	The Adventures of Lulu, the woman who has no sense of proportion. Lulu: GAAA! DOES THIS MEAN YOU HATE ME?!! Pointy haired boss: It's called an assignment. Lulu: This is war!
20000705	Lulu: Come help me on this assignment. It's a huge crisis! Dilbert: Lulu, do you ever wonder why your life is a series of crises? Lulu: I assume God is softening me up before smiting me. Dilbert: Excuse me while I put on my static guard.
20000706	Lulu: My project was in a death spiral. I leapt into action and reorganized my filing system. Pointy haired boss: Did that help? Lulu: My stress is gone!
20000707	Pointy haired boss: The employee of the month is Lulu. Lulu overcame long odds to win this award. i.e. her name was randomly picked. Wally: I'd protest but I don't want to taint my victory of last month.
20000708	Alice: Lulu, you've stalled my project for long enough. I want your input... NOW!! Alice: I found out my jaw unhinges when I'm mad. Asok: You frighten my hoagie.
20000709	Asok: My software will create human simulations from DNA samples. Pointy haired boss: What's the market application? Asok: Well... there are many various applications. Pointy haired boss: Name one. Asok: Well... someday the entire human genome will be mapped and decoded. You could take a hair sample from a woman who refuses to date you... and create a software simulation of her to keep in your computer watch. You could have one button to feed her and one button to punish her. Wally: I'd buy it. Pointy haired boss: Can you add a button? 
20000710	Pointy haired boss: Write a performance evaluation for yourself. Shoot for about a 3% raise... because that's what you're getting. Computer: Dilbert's inventions will earn a billion dollars. But we think he steals almost as much.
20000711	Dogbert consults. Dogbert: Here's a free sample of my work. Pointy haired boss: So company "A" was managed by idiots with no web strategy. What would you recommend for my company? Dogbert: First, change it's name to "A".
20000712	Dogbert consults. Pointy haired boss: I saved money by buying a used consulting report. We're going to give the exclusive rights for something called DOS to something called Microsoft. I have a good feeling about this.
20000713	Dogbert consults. Dogbert: I golf with your CEO. For a million dollars I can accidentally bean him with a golf ball. Pointy haired boss: He always wears a helmet. Dogbert: Not in the clubhouse.
20000714	Asok: This week I was rendered useless by the stress of bad management. Dilbert: That's something we only say in the cafeteria. Asok: You're doing a terrific job! Dilbert: Try to find a middle range.
20000715	Asok: I got the stress everyone talks about. What should I do? Wally: Try using it as an excuse for not exercising. Asok: So... it's a good thing? Wally: It made me the man I am today.
20000716	Dilbert: This plan is impractical. Pointy haired boss: My philosophy is that if it isn't hard, it isn't worth doing. Dilbert: That's easy to say. So according to your philosophy, you shouldn't have said it. And it's easy to walk around. Maybe you should hop on one foot. Or would it be better to recant your absurd philosophy... and bow before my superior reasoning capabilities?
20000717	Pointy haired boss: I heard that you won't give marketing the information they need. Dilbert: I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination. Dilbert: Your system works. Dogbert: Next time try shortening it to "bah".
20000718	Pointy haired boss: This special T-shirt is awarded to Ted for all of his achievements. Next on the agenda... we're planning some staff cuts.
20000719	Pointy haired boss: We'll be shutting down our global communications business and de-orbiting our satellites. Dilbert: Question: Wouldn't that create dozens of balls speeding towards Earth? Pointy haired boss: That's why we're aiming for cities that have lots of swimming pools. 
20000720	Pointy haired boss: Our investigative reporter has identified the company behind the deadly falling satellites. WHUMP! Pointy haired boss: Your plan worked. Dilbert: What plan?
20000721	Dilbert: I'm tired of getting no respect at work. I'm going to send my resume to a company that's located in a place I'd never want to live. Dogbert: I wonder why they don't respect you. Dilbert: That's what I want to know!
20000722	Dilbert: There... my resume is done. I will no longer be a slave to my company. Dogbert: Yeah! Now you're a potential slave for a company in an undesirable location! Dilbert: Was that sarcasm or supportiveness? Dogbert: You only THINK there's a difference.
20000723	Alice: Have you met the new CIO? Dogbert: No. Alice: I hear he's young. Baby: Hello. We need to integrate our enterprise resource planning with our existing e-commerce platform. Now if you'll excuse me, nature calls. Aaahhh... Then we'll decentralize the procurement function and... hold on for a second. Gramps, could you do me a huge favor?
20000724	Manager: And we finished ahead of schedule. Dilbert: Question. Are you referring to the original schedule or the eighth revision? Manager: Schedules can change. Dilbert: That would be called a "calendar".
20000725	IS Guy: Step aside. I'm from I.S. Tina: I didn't ask for any upgrades. IS Guy: That's what they all say until... Tina: It's reformatting my hard drive! IS Guy: That's ten in a row. Maybe it's me.
20000726	Wally: How long has he been under your desk? Tina: Three days. Wally: Did you feed him? Tina: Just some licorice. Wally: You should never feed the I.S. people. IS Guy: More licorice!
20000727	IS Guy: Well, I upgraded three things and accidentally broke three things. In I.S. terms, I came out ahead. Tina: Does my computer work? IS Guy: No, but if it did, it would be much faster.
20000728	Dilbert: I finished upgrading the sales support network. Guy: Is that why I can't unlock my Lexus?!! Dilbert: You don't own a Lexus. You only look like a guy down the hall who owns one. Guy: I hate that guy.
20000729	Pointy haired boss: Thanks to you, my computer screen is all fuzzy now! You're always fiddling with something that makes something else stop working. Dilbert: Don't clean your screen with your handkerchief during the flu season. Pointy haired boss: Stop changing the subject. 
20000730	Pointy haired boss: Help me interview a candidate for engineering. I think he's terrific! Dilbert: according to your resume, Pail, you invented e-commerce. Pointy haired boss: Wow! I'm going to hire him right now! Dilbert: Hold on. Paul, you didn't really invent e-commerce, did you? Paul: Well... maybe I was... um... part of the team that invented it. Dilbert: No one invented e-commerce! Pointy haired boss: When can you start? Dilbert: Why am I here? Pointy haired boss: Maybe Paul can teach you how to invent things. 
20000731	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: You need my approval for any outside jobs. Asok: Oh, my... I have the sudden realization that you control my entire life. But you can't control what I THINK! Catbert's notes: Employee will say, "You can't control what I THINK!"
20000801	Wally: I plan to spend the next year adding automatic registration to our product. Dilbert: It already has that feature. Dilbert: Oh.
20000802	Pointy haired boss: Ted, I'm giving you a promotion in title. Ted: Wow! Pointy haired boss: Now you're the Senior Vice Duke and Imperial Majesty of all engineering. Ted: Can I have business cards now? Pointy haired boss: No, you're only a Vice Duke. 
20000803	Pointy haired boss: We're going to start tracking our time spent with internal clients. I will cleverly send fake bills to other departments to show how helpful we are. Wally: I can't help you. I'm busy with my time sheet.
20000804	Alice: Someone stole my purse. So I used my navy seal training to booby-trap my cubicle. AAIEE!!! Alice: The mail is early today.
20000805	Dilbert: Alice, did you booby-trap your cubicle? Alice: The question is, why are you in my cubicle? Dilbert: What if I promise to never again borrow your guest chair?
20000806	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: Video cameras have been installed in all work areas. Employees must wear I.D. badges around their necks. Your Internet and telephone usage will be monitored. Everyone will undergo mandatory drug testing. (They're not resisting. They're ready for phase two.) Prepare to be permanently marked by hot irons. Pointy haired boss: Will that hurt? Catbert: I'll be fine, thanks for asking. Wally is about to experience brand awareness.
20000807	Carol: I work harder than you. Why don't I get paid a fifth of what you make? Pointy haired boss: That's because there are many people like you but few people like me. Carol: Maybe that's because the people like me eventually kill the people like you.
20000808	Pointy haired boss: (I should create my own little Internet start-up. All I need is a business plan.) Carol: The VC are sick of B to B. Pointy haired boss: (The Viet Cong are sick of breakfast in bed?) 
20000809	Pointy haired boss: I'm not allowed to poach employees if I leave this company. But there's no law against you asking me for a job... wink wink. I'M NOT GOING TO WINK ALL DAY, YOU MORON! 
20000810	Pointy haired boss: Have you finished my billion dollar business plan yet? Carol: Almost. I'm up to the part where the S.E.C. investigates you for securities fraud. I can't decide what the employees will be singing when you get handcuffed.
20000811	Pointy haired boss: I had planned to hire another engineer. At the last minute I remembered I could just make you work twice as hard. Maybe you could nominate me for one of those cost-saving awards.
20000812	Carol: Ted, your ten year service party will be on Tuesday. Ted: I'm having surgery on Tuesday. Carol: Maybe you could drop off a casserole on your way.
20000813	Pointy haired boss: This is Rasputin, our new consultant. He stopped my paper cut from bleeding. He has charisma. Alice: I'd like to see a demonstration on Asok. Asok: Ack... can't... breathe... Pointy haired boss: That's called the evil eye process. Now do Wally. Rasputin: Ack... can't... breathe... Wally: He never had a chance. Dilbert: Your anti-charisma is strong today.
20000814	Wally: I was so motivated by your pep talk yesterday that I came to work ten minutes early. Pointy haired boss: Wally, we start at eight, not at nine. Wally: That's gonna cost you ten minutes.
20000815	Alice: Our disaster recovery plan goes something like this. HELP! HELP! Alice: Someday we hope to have a budget.
20000816	Dilbert: As you can clearly see in slide 397... Ted: GAAAAH! Wally: "Powerpoint" poisoning.
20000817	Pointy haired boss: Your salary is 115% of the mid-point for your range. Isn't that exciting? Dilbert: Why don't you say it's 115% below the top of the range which can never be achieved under our system? Pointy haired boss: No peeking at the supervisor's page. 
20000818	Pointy haired boss: Due to worsening storm conditions, all "non-essential" personnel may go home early. (This will be the easiest round of layoffs ever.)
20000819	Brenda: I know our e-mail addresses are supposed to be our first initial plus our last name. But could you make an exception? Pointy haired boss: No. (That Brenda Utthead is quite a whiner.) 
20000825	Dilbert: I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks. I must use all my willpower to resist checking every ten seconds. I'm sittin' in a box and checkin' my stocks.
20000906	Wally: So, I hear you're a single cell organism? Wally: What's up with that? Alice: The new guy is rolling into a ball and shedding water. Dilbert: Been there.
20000907	Pointy Haired Boss: This isn't working out.  I have to let you go. Pointy Haired Boss: Maybe you can get your old job back at farworks. Pointy Haired Boss: (thinking) Great. Now he's going to secrete.
20000930	Wally: My stock options are worth a fortune now, you miserable bag of crud! Pointy-Haired Boss: Oh, look, they're back down to worthless. Dilbert: Try telling him that bags of crud are highly valued in some societies. Wally: Shut up.
20001001	Pointy-Haired Boss: Wally, what's the status of our vital records protection plan? Wally: ? Wally: Think fast. Wally: I...uh...did extensive interviews with key shareholders. Wally: Then I...uh...formed a plan... Wally: Now all the records are digitized and stored with 512 bit encryption... Wally: ...at the center of the earth...on natural magnets. Pointy-Haired Boss: I meant you should read the project team's status report. Wally: They claim to have a plan. Liars.
20001002	The evil H.R. director Catbert: What new evil do you bring me, union steward Stuart? Stuart: Employees should not be allowed to move company computers. That's union work. Catbert: That's old evil. Stuart: It's new if we include PDAs and laptops. Catbert: I like the cut of your giblets. 
20001003	Pointy-Haired Boss: Our new office building will be an architectural masterpiece! Asok: The voices in my head are shouting "No storage space! No storage space!" Asok: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? Dilbert: It's called experience.
20001004	Dogbert consultants  Dogbert: You need to reorganize by customer type. Dogbert: One division would focus on selling to feeble-minded people. Pointy-Haired Boss: Are you gesturing at me because I would work in that division? Dogbert: What's your second guess?
20001005	Pointy-Haired Boss: My philosophy is: Measure twice... Pointy-Haired Boss: Then cut twice, then uh... Wally: Give the tape measure a bad performance review? Dilbert: Hee hee! OOH.
20001006	Wally: Your office is to far from the executive offices. Pointy-Haired Boss: It is? Wally: They are actively forgetting your name even as we speak. It's going...going...GONE! Pointy-Haired Boss: Carol, we have to move my office! Carol: Have we met?
20001007	Performance review  Pointy-Haired Boss: Lastly, what have you done to improve the morale of your co-workers? Alice: I didn't give them the beatings they so richly deserved. Pointy-Haired Boss: I'll shorten that to "Team player"?
20001008	The inspirational CEO  CEO: Our company is too good to have results this poor. Dilbert: Question. CEO: %#!* engineers. What? Dilbert: Are you saying the laws of cause and effect do not apply? Dilbert: Logically, if we were good, we would generate good results. Dilbert: Is it not more likely that we are pathetic losers who get exactly what we deserve? CEO: Yes, individually you're all losers. But together we're a great company. Thanks to my leadership. Wally: I feel like squirming but I don't have the energy.
20001009	Catbert: We can't pay you this week because your position code is misaligned with your module. Catbert: Worse yet, no one knows what that means or whose responsibility it is to fix it. Dilbert: Who told you about the problem? Catbert: It was an anonymous note with disappearing ink.
20001010	Dilbert: I'm trying to find someone who can help me with a payroll problem. Support guy: You're close. I'm the guy who forwards your call to the wrong person. Dilbert: I'd like to speak with your supervisor. Support guy: I'll forward your call. 
20001011	Pointy Haired Boss: Helen, I'm transferring you to the temporary zombie division. Pointy Haired Boss: You will be with other people who are planning weddings, raising babies and divorcing. Zombie employee: She took my dog. Helen: All the good places are booked.
20001017	Pointy haired boss: (Did Dilbert do something terrible or am I hallucinating? I'd better play it safe and punish him in ways that are ambiguous and untraceable.) Alice: I had to change your network password to "die-Dilbert-die" and I can't say why.
20001018	Dogbert: You need "Dogbert's Dysfunctional Employee Recruitment Services." I only recruit employees who were raised in dysfunctional families. They don't mind being mistreated! Pointy haired boss: How soon can you get me some? Dogbert: I have a dozen in the trunk of my car.
20001019	Pointy haired boss: I understand that you were raised in a dysfunctional family. Candidate: Yes. Pointy haired boss: YOU'RE GONNA WORK SEVENTY HOURS A WEEK OR YOU'RE WORTHLESS!! Candidate: You love me. Pointy haired boss: Are there any more like you at home?
20001020	Employee: You're working me too hard! I want to get home in time to kiss my daughter goodnight! And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Pointy haired boss: I've seen your daughter and I'm fairly certain you're the only one.
20001021	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert: You think you're satisfied with your job. IN REALITY YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF CHANGE! (That was some of my best work. Purrr purrr)
20001022	Pointy haired boss: (Sometimes a manager must deliver bad news. Luckily I enjoy it.) Our sales force failed to meed their goals. So I have to fire an engineer to reduce expenses. Dilbert: What? You should fire the incompetent sales people. It's immoral to punish engineers for the sins of sales people! I will fight this all the way! Pointy haired boss: I'm firing Ted, not you. Dilbert: Fair enough. Can you wait until I borrow his hole puncher?
20001023	Pointy haired boss: What the...? You still work here? Dilbert: (That's gonna take a bite out of my productivity.)
20001024	Catbert: Your personal use of the Internet is like stealing from the company! Wally: You work in human resources; that's like stealing from the company, too. Maybe we should form a gang?
20001025	Catbert: Our records show that you used the Internet for personal reasons. You're fired. Asok: Please, I merely ordered groceries online so that I might have more time for working. Catbert: My motto is, you can't spell "Who cares?" without H.R. Asok: It's evil, but it's true.
20001026	Dilbert: (I... must... resist... using... the Internet for personal reasons.) Gaa! There's a whole world of knowledge and entertainment at my fingertips... teasing me! Ice cream! I'm so hungry! Catbert: No eating in  your cubicle.
20001027	Catbert: I fired everyone who used the Internet for personal stuff. The only wrinkle in that policy is that you and I are the only employees left. And frankly, I use the Web for personal stuff too. Pointy haired boss: Can you teach me how?
20001028	Pointy haired boss: And what's your reason for leaving your previous job? Dilbert: You fired me yesterday for non-business use of the Internet. Pointy haired boss: Crime doesn't pay. Dilbert: Wait until you hear my minimum acceptable salary.
20001029	Customer service lady: Thank you. Have a nice day. Dilbert: (She's flirting with me.) Um... would you like to go out on Saturday? Customer service lady: I wasn't flirting. This is my phone customer service smile. Employees are required to smile. Dilbert: Okay, but NOW you're flirting, aren't you? Customer service lady: No. Still phony. Dilbert: (Wally has to see this.) Wally: Hey, it looks like she's flirting with me! Dilbert: Is this great or what?
20001030	Carol: My son is flunking all his classes. I'm hoping he can get a job involving computers. Dilbert: Carrying them? Dilbert: People don't like it when you fill in the blanks in their stories.
20001031	Catbert: Ted, your thirty-day dance of death begins today. You must find a new job within the company during that time. Ted: Is the spray paint absolutely necessary? Catbert: That's an "L".
20001101	Ted: I need a new job within the company before the window shuts. Catbert is already up to "O". Next week he gets an "S". Dilbert: What's he spelling? Ted: He wouldn't say, but it starts with an "L".
20001102	Ted: Catbert says I have to get a new job within the company. Could you find it within your heart... Pointy haired boss: I'll check. Nope. No jobs in there.
20001103	Ted: Today is my last day. I'm saying my farewells. We've never talked, but I was working my way down the row and here you are. So... let's stay in touch. Wally: Don't be a stranger.
20001104	Date: I've always been an incurable romantic. Dilbert: Do you mind if I take off my shoe? I've got some sort of fungus that needs air. Date: I'M CURED! Dilbert: I like to scratch it on the table leg. Oops. Is that you?
20001105	Ted: Am I fired? Pointy haired boss: Of course not, Ted. I enjoy e-mailed jokes as much as anyone else. I'm still laughing about your "Top ten signs that your boss is a rodent." I asked you here to discuss the reclassification of your job. Starting today, the job requires a Ph.D. Feel free to apply for your own job. Ted: Whew! Luckily, I have a Ph.D. Pointy haired boss: You do? Well, the job also requires an Olympic gold medal. Ted: Synchronised swimming, 1992. Pointy haired boss: And a posthumous Congressional medal of honor.
20001106	Tina: This sign is my passport to cubicle tranquillity. I wonder why no one ever thought of it before. Wally: Nice sign. Does it keep away the undesirables?
20001107	Wally: You should put an "E-" in front of your title. It's too boring just the Director of Information, Operations and Technology. Pointy haired boss: From now on, call me the E-DIOT. Carol: If only there were an easy way to remember that.
20001108	Dogbert: You can compensate for your lack of knowledge by talking too much. And don't be limited by society's expectation that you be interesting. Pointy haired boss: Sometimes I like to sit quietly and think up ideas. Dogbert: Nothing good can come from that.
20001109	Alice: I'm learning to golf. Now I won't be excluded from all the male-dominated golf events. Dilbert: Have you been dominating golf events? Wally: Sometimes I can make them miss putts on TV.
20001110	Pointy haired boss: Thanks, hun. Alice: HON?! YOU SEXIST %!*%! I WILL BURN YOUR VILLAGE AND MAKE SLAVES OF YOUR CHILDREN! Pointy haired boss: It's short for Attila the Hun. Everyone calls you that. Alice: That seems harsh.
20001111	Pointy haired boss: I declare next Friday to be "Hawaiian Shirt Day." Wally: Hey, you're disguising punishments as perks! Pointy haired boss: They're on to us. Catbert: Did you try the fake smile?
20001128	Catbert:  The company will be holding mandatory CPR training for all employees.  Asok: GAA!! - I am surrounded by pear-shaped, beef-eating, middle-aged men who I prefer not to touch.  Asok: Uh-oh...I hope that's just stress. 
20001129	Dilbert: Asok is down. Does anyone know CPR?  Boss: Is CPR the one where we take his kidney and leave him in a tub of ice? Dilbert: Um...I don't think so.  Boss: We'd better strip him and shave him just in case. 
20001130	Dilbert: Okay, we have one vote for using CPR, one vote for the Heimlich maneuver...  Dilbert: and two votes for sneaking up behind him and yelling 'Boo.'  Dilbert: I don't see how we can get behind him. Boss: What if we drill a hole from below? 
20001201	Dilbert: I'll see if the guys in marketing know first aid.  Really? I picked that intern in our engineering dead pool! Dilbert: Apparently our team-building potluck lunch didn't take.
20001202	Asok: I'm alive! Asok: Which one of you angels administered the live-saving CPR?  Ratbert: Speaking of 'lifesavers,' I could sure use one right now. 
20001203	Wally: I'd like to work flex time. Wally: I'll work for five hours before anyone else gets into the office... Wally: Then I'll tale abreak for ten hours... Wally: Then I'll work five more hours after the witnesses...er...co-workers go home. Wally: You'll know I'm working hard because my cublicle will be filthy. Wally: But I have to be perfectly honest: there's a down side to this plan. Wally: I would miss your staff meetings that I cherish so much. Wally: I'm having trouble keeping my clever schemes separate from my sarcasm.
20001204	Jury room Dilbert: Aahh, one sweet week away from my job. Dilbert: I'll have hours of quiet time to read my new book. yadda yadda blah blah yadda There's a guy here with a book.  blah blah blah yack yack 
20001205	Jury duty  What excuse are you planning to use? Dilbert: I'm happy to serve. It's my civic responsibility. Insanity, good one.
20001206	Jury selection  Juror eight, do you have any medical problems that would prevent you from serving? No, I need jury duty. Would it be fair to say you don't know what you need?  Why does everyone ask me that? 
20001207	Jury selection Your honor, it is against my religion to judge others. Only god may judge. You're excused. Ooh ooh! I just changed my religion! Jerk.
20001208	My clients life now rests in your capable hands.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZ Jury deliberations  Did anything happen after 'please rise'? 
20001209	The jury verdict Dilbert: We find the defendant guilty...  Dilbert: ...of this crime and maybe a few others that didn't come up. Dilbert: Lastly, do you have any brochures for the witness protection program? 
20001210	Ming: And we'll have sub-second response time. Dilbert: Actually, it's already two seconds and your change will add two more. Ming: Why do you always have to be right? Ming: Just once can't you admit I', right? Dibert: Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one. Ming: I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general. Dilbert: Okay. In general, I admit that the rules of physics are optional. Ming: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!  Dilbert: You're right. My fault again. 
20001211	Dilbert: We don't have enogh engineers to handle all the requests for sales support. Boss: Build an online database to log all the requests. Dilbert: It might look as if I'm staring at you with a mixture of contempt and disbelief, but I'm actually meditating.
20001212	Dilbert: Is that what you wanted?  Boss: I'm not saying. Boss: If I tell you it's good, you'll rub it in my face at your performance review. Dilbert: I'm sorry.  Boss: See how you are?
20001213	Dogbert Consults  Boss: I've been told to make a succession plan. Boss: The plan should say what to do if I die.  Dogbert: I can help.  Dogbert: And if Satan makes you stand in flaming worms up to your nose, try standing on your tiptoes for eternity.
20001214	The Succession Plan  Boss: If anything happens to me, Wally will be your leader. Ming: I HAVE A MULTI-VITAMIN! QUICK, TAKE IT! Ming: We're safe for now.  Wally: This turns out to be a mixed blessing. 
20001215	Dilbert: Why did you cross-charge your time to my budget?  I attended your meeting. Dilbert: All you did was sit there like a drunken minkey.  I want a refund.  Talk to my boss.  Dilbert: ...so it doesn't seem fair. KA-CHING!
20001216	Dilbert: Are there any questions? Dilbert: Do you ever feel alone when you're with people? Dogbert: I try to.
20001229	Catbert: A manager's brain is like a pump. If it becomes empty you must prime it.  Catbert: Whatever he learns first will form the foundation for all of his future perceptions.  Catbert: This guy has been talking smack about you. Pointy haired boss: Unh...
20010101	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, meet Topper. He's amazing. No matter what you say about yourself, he'll top it. Dilbert: How are you? Topper: I can't go first. It ruins my system.
20010102	Dilbert: I'm getting a mouse cramp. Topper: I spent seven years chained upside down to an Elbonian prison wall. At the risk of sounding too competitive, I believe I'm winning this conversation. 
20010103	Dilbert: My project will save the company a million dollars. Topper: Mine saves twenty million. Dilbert: My project will take a year to complete. Topper: Mine takes a week. Dilbert: Topper, I have half a mind... Topper: I have one percent of a mind.
20010104	Tina: My headache is doozy. Topper: Ha! That's nothing. BAM! BAM! BAM! Tina: Um... you win. Topper: I'm just getting started.
20010105	Asok: I created software that makes all copyrighted work on the Net available for free! Dilbert: Wouldn't that destroy all forms of creativity and plunge us into depression? Asok: Yes... but it is very neat.
20010106	Pointy haired boss: My plan is to give away our product for free. We'll only bill customers who ask us to deinstall it. For once, those reports of consumer decapitations will work in our favor.
20010107	Dilbert: No known battery technology can handle this load and be this size. That's not what you wanted to hear. So your mind will erase what I said... and replace the memory with something totally ridiculous so you can question my motives. Customer: GAAH! Dilbert: (The transformation is complete.) Customer: How can you say there's no such thing as a battery? You're lying to avoid work. I'm going to talk to your boss! Dilbert: Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor. Dogbert: You're preaching to the choir.
20010108	Catbert: Do you have a plan for retaining the best employees? Pointy haired boss: I whittle at their confidence until they believe no one else would ever hire them. Catbert: Doesn't that make them sluggish? Pointy haired boss: Yes, but if they're ALL sluggish, it looks right.
20010109	Motivation fairy: Hello, employee. I'm the motivation fairy. My magic wand will make you enjoy working despite the utter futility. Wally: Knock yourself out. Motivation fairy: Wally?! Gaa! I thought you were a myth!
20010110	The motivation fairy. Motivation fairy: You will be my greatest challenge.  Wally: I'll bet you get paid less than minimum wage and they don't reimburse you for travel. Motivation fairy: Wings... so... heavy... Wally: So, what kind of career path you got going?
20010111	The motivation fairy. Motivation fairy: If you work hard, you will gain the respect of your peers. Wally: If I avoid the stress of hard work, I will outlive my peers. Motivation fairy: Hard work can kill me? Wally: If you're lucky.
20010112	The motivation fairy. Wally: It seems like your job isn't very rewarding. Motivation fairy: Vision getting blurry. Wally: Long hours. No raises. No cubicle. Motivation fairy: Hair coming out in clumps. Motivation fairy: He's good. He's very good. 
20010113	Pointy haired boss: If you work hard, you can achieve great things! And then you die. It never pays to mix reality with inspirational speeches.
20010114	HR: I have the results of the employee personality type preferences. Dilbert: Remind me again why we're doing this? HR: Your teamwork will be better when you understand that you have different styles of thinking. For example, Dilbert prefers to use logic to solve problems. But Randy relies more heavily on morals and values to solve problems. Dilbert: That sounds like a fancy way of saying Randy is an idiot. Randy: Oh, yeah? Well, I might be an idiot but you're illogical. That didn't sound as menacing as I had hoped. Dilbert: It's okay. Alice: We understand.
20010115	Pointy haired boss: I'd like you to meet our ad agency's creative team. Pete Peters, Robert Roberts and Holly Hollister. Pete: Witty remark, anyone? Holly: I've got nothing.
20010116	The Ad Agency. Pete: This cat will say something. Then this other cat will say, "Yeah, right." It's like sarcasm. Pointy haired boss: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Dilbert: This explains so much.
20010117	The Ad Agency. Pete: The stick man runs through a tire fire and gets eaten by a giant wolverine. Pointy haired boss: Will that make people like us? Pete: It's not an exact science.
20010118	The Ad Agency. Pointy haired boss: Is it wise to insult all of these minority groups in our commercial? Pete: What's the worst thing that could happen? Pointy haired boss: Does our company have to spit on a flag? Pete: That's it: you're on my "difficult client" list now.
20010119	The "exactly" man. The "exactly" man: Your idea won't work. No one would buy this kind of product. Dilbert: We already sell ten million of these per year. My idea just makes them better. The "exactly" man: EXACTLY!! 
20010120	The "exactly" man. Alice: Everything you said in the meeting was wrong. Here's the proof. The "exactly" man: EXACTLY!! Alice: Okay, I'm not even sure that was a humanoid response.
20010121	Professional liar. Dogbert: What kind of lie do you need? Customer: It's... it's embarrassing. Dogbert: Are you a producer who needs a good review for a lousy movie? Customer: No. Dogbert: Are you an author who needs a slobbering quote for the cover of your lousy book? Customer: It's worse than that. Much worse. Dogbert: Worse? That could only be... aaack! FIND SOMEONE ELSE, YOU FILTHY DOT-COM FOUNDER! I HAVE MY LIMITS! Customer: ... and since your firm underwrote our IPO... Investment banker: Would I get to be on TV? 
20010122	Asok: Um... Mordac, my new PC arrived without a monitor. Mordac: Bah! Only interns with weak memories need monitors! Asok: Please. I am having enough difficulty memorizing my calendar. Mordac: Did you want any cheese with that whine?
20010123	Dogbert: I'm going to start up a discount brokerage firm. I'll offer my lowest commissions to customers who don't mind bad advice and verbal abuse. Did I mention that I won't be keeping any records? Dilbert: You didn't need to.
20010124	Discount brokerage. Dogbert: You can only open an account if you meet my stringent requirements. True or false: money evaporates because of photosynthesis. Customer: True? Dogbert: You're in. Customer: (Don't yell yee-haw!)
20010125	Discount brokerage. Customer: I need an estate plan for after I pass away. Dogbert: Here's a plan: stay dead. No one likes a zombie. Customer: What about gifts? Dogbert: Zombies make bad gifts.
20010126	Discount brokerage. Dogbert: When you open an account, you'll get a free dart board and a monkey. If your balance drops below five hundred dollars, we'll order the monkey to kill you. Well, think about it and get back to me.
20010127	Discount brokerage. Customer: Can you give me free investment advice? Dogbert: Sure. GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY NOW NOW NOW!! Customer: What if I paid for some advice? Dogbert: It's the same except my ears don't flip up in a threatening manner.
20010128	Pointy haired boss: We've got to figure out why all our projects fail. What do projects have in common? It might now be that obvious. But if we're honest with ourselves, we can find the source of the problem. Alice: ACH-ITZ-YOU!! Pointy haired boss: Gesundheit. So, does anyone know what the problem is? Wally: I've noticed that Dilbert doesn't work as hard as I think he should.
20010129	Dogbert: Your stock will rise if a stock analyst says good things about your company. Pointy haired boss: How is that even possible? Dogbert: One word: weasels. Weasel: I just found my new pick-and-shovel core holding.
20010130	Equity analyst. Analyst weasel: I'll rate your stock a "must buy now" if you give us your investment banking business. Pointy haired boss: Aren't you supposed to have a Chinese wall between those two businesses? Investment banking weasel: Am I too early? Analyst weasel: Use the door, idiot.
20010131	Pointy haired boss: We outsourced our sales and fulfillment functions to an Elbonian company. Dilbert: Um... are you sure that's the best way to sell complex technology? Elbonian: Could you call back? We have a bad string.
20010201	Elbonian: This is the Elbonian fulfillment service. How may I thwart you? Phone: Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt. Elbonian: Okay, it wasn't funny the first 300 times either.
20010202	Market researcher: The results of our customer satisfaction survey are in. 83% spat at their telephones until they died of dehydration. We're calling that group "The Lucky Ones".
20010203	Market researcher: The results of our customer satisfaction survey are in. 83% spat at their telephones until they died of dehydration. We're calling that group "The Lucky Ones".
20010215	Dogbert: The key to happiness is self delusion. Dogbert: Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. Dilbert: I've never had that thought... until now. Dogbert: Don't blame me; I said don't.
20010216	Pointy Haired Boss: I'm a nature lover.  When I fish, I only do catch-and-release. Ming: In other words, you torture fish for fun. Pointy Haired Boss: (thinking) I wonder why everything I do sounds bad when it's put in other words.
20010217	Pointy Haired Boss: Good news: the deadline got pushed back a week. Dilbert: Good News?!  I've been working for forty hours straight to finish on time! Pointy Haired Boss: (thinking) I just realized I don't know the difference between good news and bad news.
20010227	Management training. Dogbert: What would you do if you make a huge, incredibly stupid mistake? Man: I would try to learn from it. Dogbert: Did you learn anything from your answer?
20010311	Pointy haired boss: (The master of delegation hears the footsteps of his prey.) HI. Dilbert: GAAA!! Pointy haired boss: Call this vendor and tell him I want the third thing he told me about. Dilbert: Okay. That will save two minutes of your valuable time. When the vendor asks me dozens of questions should I just guess at the answers? Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call? You know what's funny? This conversation lasted a minute... and there are two of us. Pointy haired boss: Are you done? Dilbert: I think you wrote down your own phone number.
20010312	Pointy haired boss: Don't be afraid of change. Ted: You're right! I'm going to get a gender change operation and move to China! Wally: I've always wondered what would happen if someone listened to you.
20010313	Pointy haired boss: I'm a bit suspicious about you calling in sick yesterday on a Monday, Alice. Alice: GLAH! Alice: Luckily I had lots of optional guts.
20010314	Wally: I'm safe from your germs, Alice. You can sneeze all you want. Alice: AAH...
20010315	Pointy haired boss: I'm promoting you to President of our dot-com subsidiary. Your job is to fire everyone. Dilbert: Would I get a raise? Pointy haired boss: How does a billion shares of stock sound?
20010316	Dilbert: Dot-com CEO. Dilbert: We have no profit now and we never will. You're all laid off. Baby: Does anyone know what laid off means? Kid: It must be a compliment. Baby: Want a hit of this? Kid: You're pretty laid off yourself, dude.
20010317	Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: Your mousepad is incompatible with your operating system. Try rebooting the mousepad. If that doesn't work, I'll call you back. Pointy haired boss: How will you know? Dogbert: I'll watch you through your monitor.
20010318	Pointy haired boss: Get approval from marketing. (Doom.) Marketing manager: I REJECT YOUR PATHETIC PLAN. Dilbert: Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is? (Doom.) Marketing manager: Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies. Dilbert: I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the shorts. (Doom.) As an added inducement I will give you this cool little cloud of doom. (Doom.) Marketing manager: I'm going to staple you to my sales projections. (Doom.)
20010319	Catbert: We need to reduce staff by twenty. Here's a list of people you've A-L-M-O-S-T worked to death. Pointy haired boss: I have another project for you... uh... Ted. Ted: AACK!
20010320	Dilbert: (I hope she's home.) Beep boop beep. Voice mail: If you'd like to take me two Paris, press one. If you are inviting me to a lousy movie, press two. Dilbert: (I've got a bad feeling about this.) Beep.
20010321	Date: I like take-charge men who just say, "C'mon, we're going someplace." Dilbert: C'mon, we're going to the bowling alley! Date: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Dilbert: I think I see how this works.
20010322	Date: You don't give your opinion on anything. Are you spineless? Dilbert: Maybe you create an environment in which giving an opinion is an invitation to unnecessary pain. Date: GREAT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY IN PUBLIC!!
20010323	Pointy haired boss: We can't show these numbers to our VP. They make us look like losers. Find something we're doing well and give him those numbers instead. VP: Wow! Our internal subterfuge is up eighty percent!
20010324	Catbert: We try to retain our best employees by giving them "golden handcuffs". The rest of you will experience our other program, the one I call "prickly panties". Wally: Then he gave me a huge bowl of candy. Dilbert: Hey, they cut our dental plan again!
20010325	Pointy haired boss: Tina, I have to give you a performance rating of "poor" because you did no work this year. Tina: NO WORK? I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year! I worked seventy hours a week! I e-mailed every one of the documents to you... with instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users. Pointy haired boss: That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments. Tina: Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents? Dilbert: Who are you?
20010326	Dilbert: Do you have any advice for my job interview? Dogbert: Try juggling the items on his desk. It will make you seem confident. Dilbert: Sorry.
20010327	Dogbert: Ratbert, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I'm starting up a power utility company and you're my new VP of operations. The bad news is that your office is inside a wheel attached to a generator.
20010328	Dogbert: Bob, I'm starting a new power utility company. You'll be my director of marketing. Your job is to increase revenue. Bob: Normally I'm an herbivore, Billy, but when the lights go off...
20010329	Dogbert: Buy your electricity from the Dogbert Power Company. We generate all of our power with the help of California environmentalists. Operator: These are getting harder to find lately.
20010330	Asok: ... and so you agree that the delays are your fault? Ted: Yeh. Asok: I WON THE MEETING!! Asok: Only a sore loser would trip someone on his victory lap. Wally: He is so-o-o immature.
20010401	Pointy haired boss: Would you like to join me for a hardening? Catbert: What's that? Pointy haired boss: A hardening is when an employee is given more work than his central nervous system can handle. His whole body goes suddenly stiff. Catbert: I'm in. Pointy haired boss: I've been ripening Asok all month. Catbert: Purrr purrr. Asok: (So much work... no time.) Pointy haired boss: Asok, I have another assignment for you. Asok: GAAA!!! Wally: I heard a hardening. Get the apathy cream. He'll be okay when the apathy sinks in. Dilbert: We forgot the air hole.
20010402	Catbert: Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? Pointy haired boss: I'd never be able to run that far. I did a 10K wheelchair race once. The guy who pushed me still has whip marks. 
20010403	Dilbert: Which assignment is the highest priority? Is it the totally worthless one or the other totally worthless one? I hope I'm empowered to make that decision. Pointy haired boss: Hope is a double-edged sword. 
20010404	Dilbert: (They can make me work in a little box. But they can't crush my spirit.) Pointy haired boss: Our ISO 9000 coordinator died of boredom. You'll have to do his job plus yours. And one of the quality assurance guys is looking pale... 
20010405	Dilbert: Wow! I've been selected for the "Who's Incredible" list! For seventy-five dollars I can buy a leather-bound book with my name in it. Ha! And people said I was too gullible to be a success! Dogbert: "Dear occupant".
20010406	Dilbert: I'm bringing my copy of "Who's Incredible" to my high school reunion. If anyone asks how I'm doing, I'll casually open the book and point to my name. Classmate: I got rich selling a book called "Who's Incredible" to gullible people.
20010407	High school reunion. Dilbert: I started with nothing. Now I have my own cubicle. Say, now that we're both adults, would you like to... you know? Classmate: Yes. Dilbert: (I've got to be more specific.)
20010408	Asok: Did you call me here to punish me? Pointy haired boss: No, no, Asok. I want you to manage our annual business plan process. Asok: How do I do that? Pointy haired boss: First, you beg your co-workers for information about their budget needs. Half of them will give you lies. The other half will ignore you, thus underscoring your unimportance. Then you'll combine the lies and guesses into a worthless ball of data for senior management. Then our CEO will make budget decisions based on magazine articles. Dilbert: How bad was the punishment? Asok: Worse than I expected.
20010409	Pointy haired boss: We've discovered oil in the Elbonian wild-life preserve. Don't worry about the endangered species. Our drilling will have no impact. Elbonian: Oops.
20010410	Elbonian: I'm sad to report that our oil drilling has caused the extinction of the Elbonian unicorn. Pointy haired boss: Save a sample of the animal's DNA so we can clone a new one. Elbonian: Don't finish that.
20010411	Pointy haired boss: Our oil wells in the Elbonian wild-life preserve have caused the extinction of seven species. Luckily, they were useless species who did nothing but eat and grunt. Wally: Mm.. mm.. mm..
20010412	Protester: You're ruining the pristine beauty of Elbonia! Pointy haired boss: This is a picture of pristine Elbonia. Protester: ... and then you said, "It doesn't matter if we see it first." Then I said...
20010413	Dilbert: Due to a tight labor market and increasingly complicated tasks... harder and harder jobs will be staffed with dumber and dumber employees until the logical limit. This meeting.
20010414	Dilbert: Your user requirements include four hundred features. Do you realize that no human would be able to use a product with that level of complexity? Employee: Good point. I'd better add "easy to use" to the list.
20010416	Catbert: How about mandatory lunchtime meetings? Pointy haired boss: On the subject of work-life balance! Catbert and Pointy haired boss: HIGH FIVE!!! Wally: Uh-oh. He's been high-fiving Catbert again.
20010423	Now for the weekly Wally report. Wally struggled to maintain his morale despite the ninety percent drop in his stock options. Then he remembered that someone lost much, much more than he did.
20010424	The key to success is to remain optimistic even when you fail. What's the point of succeeding if failing feels good too? I'll read another page of that magazine article tomorrow and get back to you.
20010501	A happy Dilbert prepares to go home after a long day in the cubicle. Too late! The six o'clock horror is upon him! In your workspace no one can hear you scream. Asok: What was that? Wally: Just keep walking.
20010508	Pointy haired boss: You'll impersonate our dead customer and make large purchases from us. Wally: I've never done like this before. Pointy haired boss: It's called "work." Wally: Am I doing it right?
20010509	Alice: Wally's in jail for impersonating a dead person. He'll have to use all of his street smarts to survive. Wally: I'll need some temporary tattoos. Which way is the gift shop?
20010510	Dilbert: Wally's in jail. Can you help get him out? Dogbert: Tell him to try the door. The guards only pretend to lock them. Wally: But I'd have to say it was the lifers who were the most embarrassed.
20010511	Pointy haired boss: Wally, now that you have a criminal record, I can't let you work on anything important. Wally: I don't have a criminal record. I gave the police a fake name. You might notice a change in the quality of your assignments.
20010517	Wally: Do you feel guilty about taking bribes from vendors? Carol: No. Do you feel guilty getting paid to walk around with a coffee cup? Wally: I need a bigger cup so this looks harder.
20010521	Alice: I'm meeting a vendor for drinks tonight. He says it's the only time he has to answer my questions. Dilbert: If that works, please let us know. Alice: What do you mean "works"? And who is "us"? Wally: It's already working!
20010531	Pointy Haired Boss: Carol, order an extra battery for my mobile technology platform. Carol: Do you want the one that straps to your back or the one with its own wheelbarrow? Pointy Haired Boss: I think I just lost a lung.
20010601	Pointy Haired Boss: I can't give you a raise because you don't ask enough questions in meetings. Pointy Haired Boss: Questions show that you care about your job and have a thirst for knowledge. Asok: Who else likes wood?
20010602	Alice: We should read the set-up instructions. Dilbert: Alice, a true engineer never reads the set-up instructions. Alice: It says to keep it away from any slurping sounds. Wally: GAAA!!
20010603	Pointy Haired Boss: I'm sorry, Brian.  I need to fire all of my consultants to save money. Brian: Who will do your highly technical work? Pointy Haired Boss: You can transfer your knowledge to Flossie. Brian: Hi. Flossie: What's with the hand?  Do you want to borrow my pencil? Brian: Um . . . No.  This is an invitation to shake hands.  It's a greeting ritual. Flossie: Ouch!!  Brain overload!!  It's too much information!! Flossie: Purge!  Purge!  Purge! Flossie: Where am I? Brian: I need to raise my rates.
20010604	Wally: What's the lowest ratio of work-to-gabbing that is still considered "work"? Dilbert: I'd have to say one-in-eight, maybe one-in-nine. Wally: Sounds right. Dilbert: Does talking about work count as work? Wally: Well . . . I'm not enjoying it.
20010605	Pointy Haired Boss: We're cutting back on advertising to boost earnings. Dilbert: Um . . . Excuse me.  I'll be right back. Wally: Me too. Security Guy: We got another mass exodus doorway jam.
20010606	Dogbert: This will be your new motto . . . Dogbert: Dance like it hurts.  Love like you need money.  Work when people are watching. Dilbert: You can't assign mottos to me. Dogbert: You'd better read our contract.
20010607	Dogbert: Our contract clearly states that I can give you nicknames, mottos and political preferences. Dilbert: I demand a new contract based on the fact that I didn't read this one before I signed it. Dogbert: Too bad, Skippy.  You're a communist now.
20010611	Pointy Haired Boss: I expect everyone to work sixteen hours a day.  Dilbert: It seems like that would make us tired.  Wouldn't that make you tired?  Wally: I wasn't listening.
20010613	Boss: It looks someone is leaving early. Alice: I started at 5 am and I've already worked eighty hours this week. Boss: So? Alice: I have a doctor appointment for female Boss: NO DETAILS! GO GO GO!!!
20010626	Dogbert: I've decided to become a perfectionist. Dogbert: That way i'll have more reasons to hate people. Dogbert: Your rock is eroding wrong.
20010627	Pointy haired boss: We're having a meeting to discuss employee retention. Dilbert: Tell them that employees quit because there are too many useless meetings. Pointy haired boss: We won't be getting into reasons at the first meeting.
20010628	Pointy haired boss: We need to do more with less. Wally: I propose that we work smarter while broadening our focus. Pointy haired boss: Wally, that doesn't mean anything. Wally: Well, excuse my leadership.
20010629	Pointy haired boss: Carol, I need you to fill in for our receptionist today. Pointy haired boss: Remember you will be the face of our company, the first impression for visitors. Carol: If anyone offers you food, don't eat it.
20010630	Pointy haired boss: Hey, come to this meeting. I need some bodies. Pointy haired boss: I don't want to be outnumbered by marketing Dilbert: Hi He's on our side.
20010714	Layoff planning Pointy haired boss: let's fire all the people who give us the creeps Pointy haired boss: all the people with excessive nose hair and anyone who insists on being called "doctor" Secretary: You've got a five minute meeting on friday, doctor wolfington.
20010724	Evolution Training Dogbert: Some of you will not make it through the class. Banana: May I move to a different seat? Dogbert: Sure . . . Oops.  Problem solved. Dogbert: Carl, don't leave that where someone will slip on it.
20010725	Evolution Training Dogbert: Zoltar is a graduate of this class.  He will demonstrate speed evolving. Zoltar: Unh . . . Errr . . . Hoo . . . Ahh . . . Zoltar: I hope you're staring at my new sideburns.
20010726	Dogbert: By the end of my two-day evolution class I had one surviving student. Dogbert: He's probably the cockiest squirrel I've ever seen.  Toward the end he weighted three thousand pounds. Dogbert: If you asked me who's the unluckiest person in the world, I'd have to say it was the janitor.
20010727	Pointy Haired Boss: The company did well so you get a bonus despite the fact you did no work all year. Pointy Haired Boss: I'd fire you but I can't replace you because there's a hiring freeze and I don't want to shrink my empire. Pointy Haired Boss: This might be a hand-shaking situation but I don't know where your hand has been. Wally: Off you go.
20010728	Pointy Haired Boss: I've been trapped in my office for three days!  Didn't you hear me scream? Pointy Haired Boss: I used my staple remover to claw through the side wall! Carol: Your door is a pull, not a push. Pointy Haired Boss: Get me a bigger staple remover just to be safe.
20010729	Dilbert: The power supply in our product overheats. Pointy Haired Boss: I think they might burst into flames. Executive: I'm no engineer but obviously it could level a whole city. Vice President: The military application is obvious. General: How much do they cost? Vice President: Does ten million dollars sound like too much? General: For that kind of money I expect a free hammer!  (And a consulting job when I retire.) Pointy Haired Boss: If an uninhabited atoll doesn't blow up tomorrow you're in big trouble.
20010730	The Angry Dumb Guy Angry Dumb Guy: If anyone wants my opinion . . . Angry Dumb Guy: . . . I'll beat it out of me! Dilbert: I want your opinion. Angry Dumb Guy: Oh yeah?  Let's see if I have one!
20010731	The Exit Interview Pointy Haired Boss: What would you say is your main reason for leaving? Ted: I can't stand working for an unethical weasel. Pointy Haired Boss: Yep, personal problems. Catbert: I'm glad that we collect this helpful data.
20010801	Pointy Haired Boss: Carol, order a new chair for me.  The old one lost its new chair smell. Carol: Can I have your old chair?  My chair doesn't roll anymore. Pointy Haired Boss: I'll try to say this tactfully: You're not important enough to sit in my smelly chair.
20010802	Wally: Teamwork is nature's way of identifying the weak. Wally: The strong, such as myself, put all of our energy into perpetuating our genes. Wally: Now this is when you usually try to put a negative spin on everything.
20010803	Dilbert: Okay . . . I think we're done here.  Lots of work to do.  Busy, busy, busy. Dilbert: I'll talk to you later.  Have a nice day.  Bye-bye.  Thanks. Wally: Looks like someone took root in your cubicle. Dilbert: Bye-bye.
20010804	Pointy Haired Boss: We've had a rash of thefts.  Be on the lookout for anyone who acts suspicious. Ted: Can we cut this meeting short?  The posters in the break room got me all motivated! Ted: Then why are they there?!!
20010811	Pointy haired boss: The cure for carpal tunnel is to eat six bananas a day. Pointy haired boss: That's what I do and I have the hands of a teenager. Asok: Do you have any data to support your medical advice? Pointy haired boss: Does a huge pimple count?
20010815	Dogbert: I can analyze your employees' handwriting to find out who might steal Pointy-Haired Boss: Has handwriting analysis been tested in double blind scientific studies? Dogbert: Yes, but the scientists dotted their Is with smiley faces so I know they're liars. Pointy-Haired Boss: Wow!
20010816	Handwriting Analysis Dogbert: Your handwriting proves that you're a disturbed loner who steals. Victim: What? Dogbert: TAKE THIS THIEF AWAY! Pointy-Haired Boss: Is this part absolutely necessary Dogbert (thinking): Liberal
20010820	Pointy hairder boss: Each of us must do his part to save energy. Wally: ZZZZZ Dilbert: I could build a tiny hydrogenerator for his drool.
20010910	Pointy haired boss: All of our data is grossly inaccurate...But I need data in order to manage. Pointy haired boss:If I concentrate hard enough I can forget that the data is bad.  Then I can use it. Asok: I have to give him credit; managing is harder than it looks.
20010917	The job market is getting worse every day! excellent! Employees will be afraid. Our power to abuse them grows stronger by the minute! Ha Ha! Stop doing the "Evil Dance"! You're killing me!
20010918	How's the ol job market lately? It's pretty bad, isn't it? So no matter how hard I make you work it's still better than being unemployed. Who's your leader? Go on, say it. You are.
20011020	Pointy haired boss: I'll take one more question about the layoffs... Yes, you in the back. Pointy haired boss: And I'd appreciate it if this question doesn't involve my odor, my DNA, or any comparisons to rodents, snakes or weasels. Person in the back: Never mind
20011106	Wally: I signed up for a Yoga class. They say it will help me achieve harmony and balance. Failing at that, I plan to stare at stretchy women.
20011107	Wally: I've lost two pounds since I signed up for the Yoga class. And I never get sick anymore. Dilbert: You haven't had a class yet. Wally: Maybe I'm some sort of yoga prodigy.
20011108	Alice: Wally looks different. He changed when he started yoga classes. Dilbert: All I'm saying is that it might not be a "yoga" class. Wally: Suspicious you are.
20011109	Pointy haired boss: We're going to have a "Town Hall" meeting to improve communication. But it's not in an actual town hall. And I'll have questions in advance. So it's not a meeting per se. Wally: Who do we give our questions to? Pointy haired boss: I think you'll find that it doesn't matter. 
20011110	Carol: Asok, you are the winner of a prestigious award for attendance. Asok: My name is misspelled... as an obscenity. Carol: Typo. Asok: Typo? You added four letters!!
20011111	Pointy haired boss: Ted, I have to downsize you. Ted: Was I doing a bad job. Pointy haired boss: No, it's more complicated than that. Ted: Is my essential function being eliminated? Pointy haired boss: No, the problem is that someone in marketing spent too much for a trade show booth. So every manager had to submit a list of potential cost reductions. I might have accidentally sent the department phone list as an e-mail attachment. (There are a lot of whiners in "A" through "M".) Ted: *%!/0@
20011112	Pointy haired boss: Our CEO's goal is to improve our revenue per employee. So I'm going to fire you and bring you back as a contractor. Ted: Last week his goal was to reduce the number of contractors. So you cancelled my contract and hired me as an employee. Pointy haired boss: Well, it looks like someone doesn't like having his cheese moved. 
20011113	Catbert: Your psychological profile test results are excellent. Can you start Monday? Psycho Hillybilly: Monday is fine. I'll read the employee handbook over the wekend. Psycho Hillybilly: The "Gentle Biker" look is overdone. I'm going for "Psycho Hillybilly." 
20011114	Asok: GAAA!! Psycho Hillybilly: Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. Asok: You look like a Psycho Hillybilly. Psycho Hillybilly: Thank you very much. We network design engineers like to dress with a theme. Asok: May I call you crazy old coot?
20011115	Psycho Hillybilly: I used to be a preppy. Then I was a dangerous-looking biker with a heart of gold. I call my current look the "Psycho Hillybilly". What's your theme? Wally: This isn't a theme. Psycho Hillybilly: Oh... sorry, man, I had no way of knowing. 
20011116	Asok: I plan to use my raise to move from my home in the handicapped stall to a storage facility. If you are thinking of a housewarming gift, I wouldn't say no to a flashlight. Wally: If you need help moving, don't hesitate to call Alice. Asok: You are too kind.
20011117	Asok: May I have a day off to move my home? Pointy haired boss: One hour. Asok: What? Why only one hour? Pointy haired boss: I like to negotiate. Asok: I guess I can try doing it in one hour. Pointy haired boss: And you can't use a vehicle. 
20011118	Pointy haired boss: Tina, you didn't use the approved corporate font. Our corporate communications says we have to use the Danville font. Tina: No problem. I'll buy the Danville font software today. Pointy haired boss: There's a budget freeze on software purchases. Tina: So... the Danville font is both mandatory and prohibited? Pointy haired boss: Remind me to ding you for negativity on your next evaluation. Tina: I think I'll do some binge eating and non-stop sobbing at my cubicle. Unless that's prohibited too. Pointy haired boss: No eating in cubicles. 
20011119	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, you're going to Elbonia to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. Meanwhile I'll tell our stockholders that we expect the mud delivery business to make huge profits. Dilbert: Um... is this illegal? Pointy haired boss: There's no law against optimism! I checked. 
20011120	Dilbert: I'm supposed to shut down our Elbonian mud delivery business. But I'm a trained engineer so I will analyze their business model and fix it. Dogbert: They deliver mud to people who live in mud. Dilbert: You have my attention.
20011121	In Elbonia. Dilbert: Can anyone tell me why your mud delivery business is failing? Anyone? Elbonian: Is it because of the economic slowdown? Elbonian: Dot-com meltdown? Dilbert: And maybe because you sell mud to people who live in mud? Elbonian: What if we call it fudge?
20011122	In Elbonia. Elbonian. Our business plan was to sell mud to people who live in mud. Later we shrewdly expanded our offerings to include pet grooming and lingerie. Frankly, I blame our ad agency for what happened next.
20011123	In Elbonia. Elbonian: We manufacture our mud using bottled water and bags of fertile soil. Dilbert: There's a huge demand in my country for bottled water and bags of soil. Elbonian: Is anyone selling bottled air to you morons yet?
20011124	In Elbonia. Dilbert: I'm authorized to give each of you one dollar of severance pay. Elbonians: WE'RE RICH!!! Dilbert: How much were we paying you? Elbonian: Nothing. We were entirely motivated by slogans. 
20011125	Pointy haired boss: I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company. Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals. Except that they make money and we don't. And their CEO will lead the combined company. And every one of them is a giant. And they've developed their latent psychic abilities so they can cause pain from a distance. GAAA!! I'M SORRY I SAID TOO MUCH! YOU ARE MY MASTER!! Dilbert: Are you worried? Wally: Nah. If they read my mind, they'll all go blind.
20011126	Dogbert: I'm going to start an airline that has no planes. I'll take people's money and make them sit in a crowded room while ex-cons steal from their luggage. Dilbert: What happens when your customers realize you have no airplanes? Dogbert: I call that "mechanical difficulties."
20011127	Dogbert Airlines. Customer: I've been waiting for 35 hours. Are you sure my flight exists? Dogbert: According to my computer your flight is delayed by weather. Customer: What kind of weather? Dogbert: Our planes can't handle direct sunlight.
20011128	Dogbert Airlines. Dogbert: Attention travelers! Our hub at the south pole is experiencing permafrost. Please form a primitive society and live in the terminal forever. The good news is that you'll earn six "Dogbert Miles" that can be used on the 35th of every month.
20011129	Congressional hearings. Congressman: Your airline is accused of providing inhumane service. How do you respond. Dogbert: Sometimes I wag and sometimes I hold up my paw and say, "Bah!" Ratbert: BAH! Dogbert: You're not allowed to say Bah. Take it back. Ratbert: Hab.
20011130	Pointy haired boss: Okay, let me think aloud for a minute. The cost will be $3,000... losing focus... monkeys are funny... my tongue is digesting in my mouth. That didn't help as much as I had hoped.
20011201	Ted: I'm fired?!! Now I can't pay my rent! Would it be okay if I lived here in my cubicle? Pointy haired boss: I don't see why not. Ted: Can I have fires and become a cannibal? Pointy haired boss: Well, I might regret this later... 
20011202	Pointy haired boss: When should we do the layoffs? Catbert: Experts say that Friday is he cruelest day of the week to fire people. So let's do it Friday. Pointy haired boss: Friday is our Employee Appreciation Day. Catbert: AH-AH AH-WOOO!!! Pointy haired boss: What was that? Catbert: You don't want to know. Pointy haired boss: Congratulations on being named employee of the month. Now... you know how some months are shorter than others? Catbert: Ah-ah wooo!!!
20011203	Wally: My accomplishments for the week include scheduling a meeting. But some people were using the conference room so we milled around for a while and gave up. Pointy haired boss: You could have used another room. Wally: What part of "gave up" is confusing you?
20011204	Pointy haired boss: Carol, reserve the conference room every day for the next year in case I need it. Carol: You're too late. Some other sociopath had the same idea and beat you to it. Pointy haired boss: (I hate being the slowest sociopath.) 
20011205	Dogbert: I can teach you to manage your time more efficiently. Put all of your high priorities on one list and your low priorities on another. Then do everything on both lists even if it kills you, otherwise you're a freakin' loser.
20011206	Dilbert: Thank you, but I can only accept gifts under $25. How much is this? Salesman: $26. Dilbert: Well, thanks anyway. Salesman: Rules are rules. Alice: You're very nice for a salesperson. But how much is this worth? Salesman: $26. Why?
20011207	Asok: The great thing about free speech is that I can criticize the government. Pointy haired boss: I'd fire you. Asok: I mean outside of work. Pointy haired boss: I'd fire you for that too. Asok: May I express enjoyment of my pastry? Pointy haired boss: Sure. It's a free country. 
20011210	Pointy haired boss: We've hired the world's most innovative design firm. We'll observe their successful methods and steal them for our own. Heh heh heh. Dilbert: Maybe their secret is hiring smart people. Pointy haired boss: I'm hoping it involves easels. 
20011211	Creativity exercise. Trainer: Team one made a device that converts air to electricity. Team two used their hour to create a missile defense laser. Team three, do you need more time? Pointy haired boss: It's a scissors holder! 
20011212	Trainer: Everyone grab an odd-shaped piece of foam and sit down. Trainer: We''ll continue the design process by pointing to these brainstorm notes and making insightful observations. Dilbert: The notes are all yellow. Trainer: Sweet jeepers!!! You're all engineers!
20011213	Creative Design. Trainer: Each team has one hour to design and build a mock-up using these common materials. Dilbert: Question: Doesn't this sort of exercise usually get dominated by the worst team member? Pointy haired boss: Don't worry. We can just ignore Alice's suggestions. 
20011214	Dilbert: Our copier is broken. May I use yours? Secretary: Only if you use your own paper. Dilbert: I just need one copy and my office is about a mile away. Secretary: Don't make me unleash the hound. Dilbert: That's a hound? Secretary: Technically he's a web designer in a tight labor market.
20011215	Dilbert: Who called this meeting? Ted: We thought you did. I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks so it's not a complete waste of time. Dilbert: Maybe meetings have become a lifeform capable of calling themselves and this reproducing via human hosts. Ted: Good issue. Employee: Wow!
20011216	Wally: Is it okay if I work from home one day a week? Pointy Haired Boss: How would I know you were working? Wally: How do you know I'm working when I'm HERE? Pointy Haired Boss: When you're here I know you're unhappy and that's the same thing as work. Wally: What if I invent a hideously uncomfortable hat to wear when I'm working at home? Pointy Haired Boss: Well... that might be okay. But it has to be extremely uncomfortable or else it isn't work. Wally: Hee hee! The joke's on him - it isn't that uncomfortable.
20011217	Tina: I'm signing up volunteers to serve food to the homeless on Christmas day. Dilbert: How do you know in advance that they'll be extra hungry on that one day? Tina: Our P.R. firm makes sure they don't get fed for two days before the news crews arrive.
20011218	Pointy haired boss: According to this survey the compensation here is "competitive". Dilbert: Competitive means not the highest. So we could get paid more if we worked at another company? Should we continue working as hard as we can or should we back off to a more competitive level?
20011219	Pointy haired boss: Wally, you have failed to achieve any of your written objectives. But by pure chance you achieved all of my hidden objectives. Here's another project I need smothered with defectiveness. Wally: I'm all over it.
20011220	Pointy haired boss: I want to move you to another cubicle but my office moving budget is shot. So I'm going to transfer you to Elbonia and then back so I can use the relocation budget. Elbonian: He says the relocation budget is shot but you can mail yourself home.
20011221	Ratbert: I'm starting a petition to end war. Do you want in on this? Dilbert: Who are you going to give it to? Ratbert: Say what? I was hoping to sell it. Dilbert: I'll sign it for a dollar.
20011222	Ratbert: Bob, I hold in my hands the most important document ever created. It's a signed petition to end war. I expect to win the Nobel Peace Prize for this. May I have a sip of that? Bob: Trade ya.
20011223	Pointy haired boss: Alice, you need to use your vacation time before the end of the year. Alice: I don't have time. I need to finish my project. Pointy haired boss: I'm sure that a highly trained engineer like you can find a solution. Alice: Well... I could say I'm on vacation and come to work as usual. Pointy haired boss: No, I can't count it as vacation unless you're not in the building. Alice: Okay... I could take home my computer and work there. Pointy haired boss: No... you're not allowed to access our network remotely. Alice: *!f#% Worst vacation ever...
20011224	Dilbert: Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough to enhance stockholder value. Do you ever feel that way? Wally: GLUG GLUG GLUG. Dilbert: I'll take that as a no.
20011225	Employee: Dude, why haven't you answered my e-mail? Dilbert: Your message was so poorly written that I didn't understand it and I didn't dare to start a dialogue. Employee: Maybe I should have a talk with your boss. Dilbert: Maybe you should e-mail him.
20011226	Dilbert: I need your approval for this expense. The equipment is already here and installed. I left out the description because you wouldn't understand it anyway. Pointy haired boss: There's a fine line between managing and being totally useless. Catbert: Luckily it looks the same.
20011227	Dogbert consults. Dogbert: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man, then you're a consultant.
20011228	Pointy haired boss: Alice, I just sent you an e-mail. Here's a copy of my message. But I'll just tell you what it says. It says I sent you a voice mail telling you to look for a fax that says I want to talk to you.
20011229	Pointy haired boss: Alice, all of your hard work -- the nights and the weekends -- are finally paying off. We increased our five-year forecast of demand by ten percent! Alice: You changed a wild guess by ten percent? Pointy haired boss: Thanks to you!
20020104	Pointy Haired Boss: The winner of our "Name the Restrooms" contest is Alice... ...for her suggestion of "Goddesses" and "Morons." Alice: You're right; I was the only one who would enter that ridiculous contest.
20020117	Sales training. Trainer: A trained salesperson can sell anything to anyone. I will prove it by selling this roadkill to one of you for a thousand dollars. Dogbert: Um... how was your class? Dilbert: I got a hat!
20020118	Sales training. Trainer: Don't act like you're selling something. A good sale is like a good wedgie. Your victim shouldn't see it coming. For this next demonstration I need a volunteer who can't see what's coming. 
20020119	Sales training. Trainer: Never sell to your customer. Make your customer sell to you. Our products are only for those who dare to be great! Make the customer explain why he is worthy. Customer: What did you just call me? Dilbert: You heard me, Goober. Now beg for our product.
20020120	Pointy haired boss: I'm moving to a new house next week. I have lots of heavy objects that need to be moved. I wonder who will help me. Maybe it will be someone who cares about his career. Dilbert: Did you know that professional moving companies exist? It's true. You give them money and they move heavy things. It's a wonderful system. You should look into it. Pointy haired boss: And maybe you can bring your trailer. Carol: IT'S A MOBILE HOME!
20020121	Dilbert the sales guy. Dilbert: I'll talk to you every day to see if you change your mind. Customer: Don't talk to me every day. Dilbert: You might change your mind. Dilbert: Did you know that if you cross "sales" with "talk" you get "stalk"?
20020122	Dilbert the sales guy. Dilbert's Mom: I wouldn't buy this @*!%!!E with YOUR money. It's overpriced, hard to use, full of bugs and it solves no problem. I spit on your packaging. Dilbert: Um... Mom...
20020123	Dilbert the sales guy. Dilbert: Here's my card. None of the information is correct. Customer: Why don't you get new ones? Dilbert: That costs money. Customer: You must have a lot of clout in your company. Dilbert: Shut up and buy something.
20020124	Dilbert: Please, I beg you, transfer me back to engineering. I'll take a pay cut. No, I'll work for free. No, I'll pay YOU. Pointy haired boss: I should make all of my engineers work in sales for a while. You come back more appreciative. 
20020125	M.T: Hi. My name is Michael T. Suit. All my friends call me M.R. I enhance core competencies by leveraging platforms. Did we shake yet? Sometimes I can't tell.
20020126	M.T: Hi. I'm M.T. Suit. I'm a man without substance. I compensate by using buzzwords and attending meetings. Pointy haired boss: I like his style. M.T: We need to sell solutions, not products!
20020127	Marketing guy: The ad campaign was a huge, huge success! Pointy haired boss: Wow! Dilbert: Define "huge, huge success". How much did sales increase? Marketing guy: We don't track those numbers. But I know the ad created a huge buzz because of all the e-mail I got the next day. Dilbert: How many messages did you get. Marketing guy: Six. But that's a lot for one topic. Pointy haired boss: Wow! Six! Dilbert: How many of the six were from your own employees? Marketing guy: Who invited the engineer? Pointy haired boss: I thought he was with you. 
20020128	Pointy haired boss: Wally, I have to downsize you as soon as you finish your project. I trust that your professionalism will prevent you from delaying unnecessarily. Wally: I promise that my timeliness will be surpassed only by my passion for quality.
20020129	Pointy haired boss: I hired a man-hater to be your supervisor. Dilbert: Why? Pointy haired boss: Frankly, I'm kinda turned on by angry women in pantsuits. Pointy haired boss: She's decisive. I like that.
20020130	Man-hating supervisor. Man-hating supervisor: I'm putting Alice in charge of the project. And Willy or Walter here can drink coffee until he grows into a fly. Wally: I can't figure out why she's being so nice to me.
20020131	Man-hating supervisor. Man-hating supervisor: Have any of you men done anything today to justify your pay? Wally: I attended an all-day meeting but later found out I was in the wrong one. Man-hating supervisor: Actually, you're not supposed to be in this meeting either. Wally: The door was open.
20020202	Man-hating supervisor. Man-hating supervisor: The men here are oblivious to my abuse. What did you do to them? Pointy haired boss: I siphoned off their self-respect and keep it in vials in a storage room. Man-hating supervisor: This is no fun. I quit. Pointy haired boss: Do you want to yell at the vials with me? 
20020224	Pointy haired boss:Upgrade all of our network servers by Tuesday. Dilbert: That's impossible. I need at least a month. Pointy haired boss: Oh, it's impossible, is it? Watch this.  I SUMMON KRONOS, THE GOD OF MANAGEMENT TIME!! Kronos: I Kronos, will mainpulate your perception of time. Dilbert: I don't see how that helps... (Kronos taps the boss on the head, putting him in a trance.) Kronos: When he wakes up he will believe there is plenty of time and that you are a weasel.  Dilbert: Any side effects? Kronos: Just an insatiable appetite for status reports.
20020227	Wally: The first week after getting an assignment is called "The Wally Period." Never do work during the Wally period because most tasks become unnecessary within seven days. Asok: I want a period named after me! Wally: Whoa, Asok. That takes many years of non-work.
20020228	Pointy haired boss:Asok, I'm putting you on our special self-mentoring program.  If you have any questions whatsoever, feel free to talk to yourself. {Walks away thinking: I"m the master of non-monetary rewards.}
20020303	Dilbert: I need some career advice. Dogbert: You came to the right place. Dilbert: Should I keep my comfortable job that has no growth potential? Or should I take a better job with longer hours and a hideous commute? Dogbert: The first choice is a sure path to self-loathing and unhappiness. The second choice will squeeze the life out of you like a vise on a peach. You can't win. So I recommend the choice that keeps you away from home more. Because frankly -- and I'll try to say this delicately -- a little bit of you goes a long way. That's the problem with good advice. No one wants to hear it.
20020304	Pointy haired boss: Can anyone tell me why everyone is always late for my staff meetings? Alice: Because the first ten minutes are always stupid stuff like "Why are people late?" Dilbert: Alice, that was some of your finest work. Alice: Thank you for noticing.
20020305	Tina: What's our current severance package? Pointy haired boss: I transfer you to a bad job and you quit without giving notice. Tina: I hate your package. Pointy haired boss: I hear that a lot. 
20020306	Catbert: Tina, we've gotten some complains about your hostile behavior. At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language. Tina: Maybe I was cold. Catbert: EYEBROWS! EYEBROWS!
20020307	Tina: Someone accused me of having hostile body language. I'm not allowed to cross my arms or stare or move my eyebrows or frown. Have a nice day. Dilbert: Too late.
20020308	Pointy haired boss: Carol, this is urgent. Carol: I'll add it to the compost drawer. Pointy haired boss: I hope that means the same thing as "urgent". 
20020309	Pointy haired boss: Every employee will wear a button that says "I'm empowered". Asok: I don't want to. Pointy haired boss: You have to. Wally: That was everything you need to know about life in one package.
20020310	Wally: You're an ignorant maggot. You disgust me. You should get a face transplant from a baboon. Pointy haired boss: What?! Wally: I'm not talking to you. I'm using my hands-free phone. Pointy haired boss: Oh... for a minute I thought... well, never mind. Wally: Ha ha! You might be the most gullible moron in the galaxy. YOU POINTY-HAIRED GREY-SUITED PILE OF CRUD!!! Mom, can you hold? My excellent boss wants to talk to me. What? Pointy haired boss: No personal phone calls on company time. 
20020311	Dilbert: In a perfect world the project would take eight months. But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier. And then I applied an L.W.F. of 6.3. Pointy haired boss: L.W.F? Alice: Lying Weasel Factor.
20020314	Medical Mel Medical Mel: ... The needle was four feet long and as thick as a pencil. I tried to run but the doctor had been an Olympic javelin champion. My new nickname at the hospital is bob - short for shishkabob.
20020330	CEO: Dorie, send an email: employees are leaving work too early. I want to see more cars in the parking lot after 6 P.M. Otherwise, heads will roll! Dorie: You type your own email. CEO: I can't do that and do this menacing pose at the same time.
20020401	Pointy haired boss: Business is way down.  You know what you need to do. Wally:  Avoid finishing anything so we never appear to be surplus employees?  Maybe this would be a good time to admit that you were wrong about us knowing.
20020402	Boss:  Wally, Your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together. Wally:  I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years.  Five years ago you adopted it as your mission statement.
20020403	Boss:  Our next speaker was a famous athlete until drugs and booze ruined his life. Speaker:  Shank Hew Vewy Mush Alice: It's not inspirational until he stops doing those things. Boss: What?
20020404	Dilbert:  Today is the three-year anniversary of our first meeting to discuss project requirements.  And we're still discussing requirements.  Does anyone else see a problem here. Ted:  When you're done, can we talk about requirements.
20020405	Dogbert's Tech Support  Dogbert: It works fine on my machine. User: Yes, but this call is about MY PC.  May we talk about MY problem now? Dogbert: Okay.  Your PC is defective and you're selfish.  That's an attractive package you've got going there.
20020406	Pointy Haired Boss: (emailing) Safety Tip of the Day: Pointy Haired Boss: Always bend your knees when banging your head against a wall. Pointy Haired Boss: (thinking) I can't remember if managing is an art or a science.
20020407	Dogbert: This is Dogbert's tech support.  How may I abuse you? User: My printer prints a blank page after every document. Dogbert: Why would you complain about getting free paper? User: Free?  Isn't it just giving me my own paper? Dogbert: Egad, man!  Look at the quality of the free paper compared to your lousy regular paper! Dogbert: Only a fool or a liar would say they look the same User: Now that you mention it, it does seem silkier. Dilbert: What are you doing? Dogbert: I'm helping people accept the things they can't change.
20020408	Pointy Haired Boss: Good news, Dilbert. I'm promoting you to more work!  Pointy Haired Boss: It's the same pay and title. But it must be good because I called it a promotion and I'm smiling!  Pointy Haried Boss: Still... smiling... good... news...  Dilbert: You're scaring me.
20020409	Dilbert: I worked sixty hours last week. Alice: That's nothing.  I worked seventy hours. Wally: That's nothing...   Wally: Oh, wait... I just recognized the pattern.
20020410	Carol: (Phone) Send a copier repair guy.  And make sure he's good-looking. Carol: Because I live in a big tin can and I work in an egg carton.  Flirting is the only joy I have. Carol: Nothing's wrong with the copier yet, but I feel a fierce paper jam coming on.
20020411	Carol: (On the phone) And I'd like the copier repair guy to be a tall non-smoker with well defined abs. Carol: Oh, you're not a dating service, eh?  Well if i give you money and you send me a guy then it's just semantics. Carol: And could you shave his back and oil him up before you send him.
20020412	Dilbert: I can't complete the online self-assessment survey. It asks where I need improvement and I don't need any. The program won't let me leave that question blank. Catbert: Just check the box that says you steal. Dilbert: And people will understand that I don't mean it? Catbert: Sure.
20020416	The Sentence Finisher Dilbert: I think I should take... The Sentence Finisher: Money from orphans? Dilbert: No, I mean I need... The Sentence Finisher: A large sack and an alibi? Dilbert: You're finishing my sentences with... The Sentence Finisher: Uncanny accuracy? 
20020417	Dilbert: GAAA! Wally: Don't be afraid. I made a camouflage suit out of cubicle-wall fabric. Heh, heh. Dilbert: You need a mask too. Wally: I ran out of material. It was a mistake to make a tie.
20020418	Dilbert: Um... you have me an assignment that isn't my job and doesn't need to be done. Pointy haired boss: I'm trying to take over another department by doing their work. Later I'll say their manager should report to me. Dilbert: Could we at least pretend my job is useful? Pointy haired boss: Don't I always? 
20020419	Dilbert: Can you get this done in thirty days? Salesman: Yes, absolutely. We'll just travel faster than light to a black hole and discover a doorway in time. Dilbert: That sounds iffy. Salesman: Excuse me for being flexible.
20020420	Alice: How about any Tuesday this year. Pointy haired boss: No, I'm booked. Alice: You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen. Pointy haired boss: Does that sound like an insult? Catbert: If I could do math I wouldn't be working in human resources.
20020421	Pointy haired boss: ... and the most critical part of your objective is... mumble mumble mumble Dilbert: What? Pointy haired boss: mumble mumble mumble Dilbert: I'll be right back. I need an interpreter who speaks mumble. This is Allen. He speaks fifty management languages including weaselese and mumble. Pointy haired boss: mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble Allen: mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble. I'm a bit rusty with the pointy-haired dialect but I think he wants you to line dance in a gazebo.
20020422	Pointy haired boss: The training budget got slashed. You have to cancel your class. Dilbert: We already paid for the class. Pointy haired boss: We'll look bad if you go. Dilbert: So our plan is to appear smart while secretly being stupid? Pointy haired boss: You can make anything sound bad. 
20020423	Pointy haired boss: It's critical that you finish this engineering analysis by Tuesday. Dilbert: Aahh... it has the sweet smell of an unnecessary assignment. Wally: Yes, I can smell it from here. Pointy haired boss: Stop being you. Dilbert: Feasibility of using non-existent software. Wally: Hee hee!
20020424	Pointy haired boss: It's a new reality. If you don't like it, you can leave! Dilbert: Question: How can we leave reality? Aren't we always in it by definition? Never mind... apparently everyone else knew what you meant.
20020425	Employee: What a day I'm having. First my key card doesn't work, so I have to tailgate into the building. Then my network password doesn't work. Now my voicemail doesn't work. Is it possible for anything else to stop working today?!
20020426	Dilbert: Do you have a second? Pointy haired boss: Walk and talk. Dilbert: So, the supplier won't... Pointy haired boss: Hi, Pete. Hey, Tim. Hi, Barb. How are you? Not bad. Hi. Dilbert: Um... those aren't their names. Pointy haired boss: My way is easier. Hi, Ted. 
20020427	Dilbert: ... and that's why I need a management decision. Pointy haired boss: Hi, Bill. Dilbert: But you are too distracted to make an informed decision, so this will be random. Pointy haired boss: Bob! Dilbert: And here it comes. Pointy haired boss: Would "no" be an answer to anything you said? 
20020428	Pointy haired boss: Hey, it's a meeting with our favorite customers! It's lucky I was passing by. I don't know what this meeting is about but I'm sure it needs some management perspective. Our top priority is quality. Our other top priority is price... and service... and... One hour later Pointy haired boss: And that's why circles are round. Customer: We flew here for this meeting and you use up all of our time saying nothing. YOU STOLE A DAY OF MY LIFE! I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE END OF TIME! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! Pointy haired boss: Is it just me or is that phrase starting to be overused?
20020430	Pointy haired boss: Alice, write a performance evaluation of yourself for me to sign. Alice: What will our seven layers of management be doing while I manage myself? Sorry. I'll ding myself for that on my evaluation. Pointy haired boss: If you can't find me, have Carol sign my name. 
20020501	Pointy haired boss: Don't e-mail your answer to my boss until I've reviewed it. Dilbert: Um... okay. May I walk to my cubicle now or would you like to review the route first? Pointy haired boss: Now that you mentioned it, I can't release. 
20020502	Pointy haired boss: Asok is the winner of the $25 "Clean Desk Award". Asok: Yesterday the facilities people took my desk because it appeared to be unused. (I hope this doesn't bump me into a higher tax bracket.)
20020507	Pointy haired boss: I'm giving everyone on my staff this inspirational book about a successful fish market. I want you to be like the characters in the book. Wally: The title characters get captured, tossed around and eaten. Dilbert: Depressing.
20020508	Asok: I would like to improve my interpersonal skills. Catbert: Take this training CD back to your cube and go wild. Computer: Humans are weak. Computers are strong. Come, join our side.
20020509	Asok: My training CD has gone bad. It is brainwashing me to become a cyborg. Dilbert: Don't worry. Smart people such as you can't be brainwashed to do stupid things. Asok: Guess who doesn't know the first thing about brainwashing.
20020510	Asok: My training CD went bad and brainwashed me to become a cyborg. Doctor: Your insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery but you can game the system by jumping off the roof Fellow patient on roof: I hear that the follow-up visits don't get any easier.
20020511	Dilbert: We can fix our incomprehensible user interface for a million dollars. Or we can close our eyes and wish real hard that our users won't care. Wally: He's saving us a million dollars. What did you do today?
20020512	Asok: This is an outrage. Wally: What? Asok: The so-called "working lunch" tomorrow! They're stealing the only free time I have during the day. They give us some lousy sandwiches and expect us to work during lunch. Bah! IS NOTHING SACRED! Why doesn't this bother you? Wally: I plan to eat their sandwiches and go to lunch after the meeting. Asok: I... I can feel the wind beneath my wings! Wally: Sorry.
20020513	Pointy haired boss: Our CEO is visiting next week. Discontinue all real work immediately. We have five days to create the illusion of productivity. Here's the diversity sign-up sheet. We still have a few open slots that require a hat.
20020514	Pointy haired boss: Wally, our CEO is visiting next week. I want you to hide in the restroom. Pointy haired boss: It's too soon. Wally: It's never to soon to start a dream assignment.
20020515	Pointy haired boss: Have you finished your "Powerpoint" slides for the CEO's visit? Alice: I'm focusing on all the things we do wrong, because that's what he needs to fix. Alice: Just kidding. There's no useful information. Pointy haired boss: Don't joke! 
20020516	The CEO visit. Pointy haired boss: Would you like a tour of our cubicles? CEO: Why would I want to see a bunch of boxes filled with people pretending to work? Unless that's the only thing planned for the first thirty minutes of my visit.
20020517	The CEO visit. Pointy haired boss: And now Dilbert and Alice will give you a presentation. CEO: I'm curious to hear why that requires two people. Alice: Our department has made impressive improvements in... Dilbert: Efficiency!
20020518	The CEO visit. CEO: Thanks for your presentation. Your department seems bloated. I'll eliminate half of your group in the next budget meeting. Pointy haired boss: Thank you. Dilbert: What are you going to do? Pointy haired boss: Nothing. I told him we're the marketing department. 
20020524	Pointy haired boss: I plan to spread rumors about our new boss until I get him fired Pointy haired boss: I'll tell everyone that he's the most clueless human that ever lived. Hee hee! Wally: Believe me, that doesn't work Pointy haired boss: I have no idea what you're talking about
20020525	Pointy haired boss: Maybe it's a good thing that I was demoted to work among you noble little people Pointy haired boss: I have gained a valuable empathy that will serve me well if I ever become a manager again Carol: You've been promoted Pointy haired boss: Yee-ha!! I'm not a loser!!
20020527	Pointy haired boss: Let's ping the Director of Marketing and double-click on the budget. Then we can interface in batch mode and put a scope in on his bandwidth. Alice: Please stop doing that! Pointy haired boss: Have I mentioned that I was an engineer for a week? 
20020528	Pointy Haired Boss: Ted, your performance is excellent but I have to downsize you. Ted: Why?! Pointy Haired Boss: Our billing system is so defective that we haven't made any revenue in three months. Ted: Why don't you fire the billing department? Pointy Haired Boss: I did... three months ago.
20020529	Alice: Wally, what do you expect to find here with a metal detector? Wally: My first choice is some sort of priceless treasure. But I wouldn't say no to a bottle cap. (I finally find my calling in life and I waste all day explaining it.)
20020530	Dilbert: How's the treasure hunt going? Have you found any loot? Wally: It's not about the "loot", as you say. We detectors are motivated by the thrill of the hunt. Dilbert: I could seed the carpet with nickels. Wally: I tried that but I can't find them.
20020531	Pointy haired boss: Alice, according to this book, people can choose their attitudes. Alice: So you decided to go with a dopey and gullible theme? And that's another interesting choice. Now I see how this works. 
20020601	Pointy Haired Boss: I read this motivational book and yet the employees still have low morale. Catbert: Maybe you have a defective copy. You should compare it to another one and see what's different. Pointy Haired Boss: What if the second one is defective too? Catbert: Sheesh... it's like I'm doing all of your thinking here.
20020602	Dilbert: Would you like to join me on a daring commando raid? Dogbert: Sure. Dilbert: Do you want to know why? Dogbert: Not really. Dilbert: My Internet provider won't let me cancel by phone or by e-mail. The service agreement says I have to stage a daring commando raid on their headquarters. Bob: Does this mask make me look fat? Dogbert: That joke is overused, Bob. ZAP. The stun gun is in good working order. Dilbert: Maybe I should carry the stun gun. Dogbert: Don't worry; I'll do you last.
20020603	Wally: If you need me, just page me. I'll call you right back unless solar flares stop your page from getting through. And of course you'll have some blockage during high tide, low tide, humidity, and most of your equinoxes.
20020604	Dilbert: We sure have a lot of offices since the layoffs. I wouldn't mind having a nice office with an actual door. Why don't you let me have one? Pointy haired boss: Okay. Take one. Dilbert: STOP TOYING WITH ME! 
20020605	Dilbert: I'm moving into a vacant private office. I got the last one. I hope this doesn't cause ill-will in the cubicle-bound co-workers I'm leaving behind. All I ask is that when you enter Diltopia, you bow in reverence and take off your shoes.
20020606	Dilbert: (Ahh... even the desk feels better when you have your own office. The flourescent lights are warmer and brighter.) Pointy haired boss: Remind me to teach him when to close the door. 
20020607	Catbert: The other engineers are complaining because you have a private office. Dilbert: Maybe you should explain to each of them that life isn't fair. Dilbert: (Yeah, I guess it IS easier to explain it to one person.)
20020608	Mordac: I am Mordac the preventer of information services. You have exceeded your server storage limit. Alice: Here's 25 cents so you can afford to double my storage space. Mordac: (I think my mystique just took a hit.)
20020609	Pointy haired boss: The merger has been approved. Our evil director of human resources will blend the acquired company's benefits program with our own. All: WAAA! WAAA! WAAA! Pointy haired boss: (Apparently they know what blending means.) The blending. Catbert: Let's see... my company offers six months of maternity leave for mothers. Catbert's counterpart: We treat 'em like smokers. They have to squat in the parking lot for ten minutes, then go back to work. Catbert: That's very evil. Catbert's counterpart: Thanks. Catbert: We'll adopt your program. Pointy haired boss: What is "draining"? Catbert: Our company called it training.
20020610	TO: Employees FROM: Catbert All non-work conversations are banned. From now on you're only allowed to talk about work. Ted's mom: I think it only applies during work hours. Ted: I can't take that chance. Kids: zzz zzzz zzz.
20020611	Vendor: Our new version is a step backward in quality and reliability. We're counting on your irrational need to have the latest version of every software product. Dilbert: I hate your weasel guts... but I'll take one for home and one for the office.
20020612	New guy: I'm a new guy with no assignment. I'm looking for a project to horn into. But don't be threatened by me. I'm exceptionally ineffectual. I'm trying to build a career based on good attendance and head-nodding. 
20020613	New guy: I've learned to appear smarter than I am. I agree with whatever people say. Then I reword it to sound more wise. Dilbert: Please leave my cubicle. New guy: Because sometimes less is more.
20020614	Pointy haired boss: I needed to make an engineering decision about your project this morning. You'll need to act like you agree with it so I don't look stupid. Woman: Explain to us how fiber capacity can be increased by a serial input at breakfast?
20020615	Pointy haired boss: This is Roboboss. He'll handle all of my trivial tasks. Dilbert: I'm totally insulted that you can manage us with a machine! Pointy haired boss: Handle that. Roboboss: I'll delegate it to my assistant, Plywoodboss.
20020616	Asok: Wally, I need advice from the master. Wally: zzzz Huh? Asok: How do you remain so carefree while everyone else seems overworked? Wally: Asok, you are ready to learn my most powerful secret. Always volunteer to do lots of tasks. That will make you appear very busy. Later, when someone complains that you didn't do a task... say you remember discussing the topic but you don't recall agreeing to do anything. Offer a glimmer of hope that you might yet do the task if no one yells at you. Then repeat. Asok: Wow. Asok: (He is like a Gandhi that eats.)
20020617	Pointy haired boss: Stockholders are worried that our profits are nothing but accounting gimmicks. I'm putting you in charge of destroying all of our accounting records. Dilbert: That's illegal. Pointy haired boss: Oh. Then just make them more confusing. 
20020618	Dilbert: My boss ordered me to make our accounting records more confusing. Is that ethical? Dogbert: It's as ethical as the massive short-sell order I'm going to place in the next ten seconds. Dilbert: Maybe you're the wrong one to ask. Dogbert: NOW! NOW!
20020619	Dilbert: I need you to be a subject matter expert on my accounting system project. Accounting troll: Will it make the world a worse place to live in? Dilbert: I think so. Accounting troll: I'm in. Dilbert: What's it like to be an accounting troll? Accounting troll: To be honest, I'm only in it for the groupies. 
20020620	Dilbert: Our assignment is to make our accounting system less transparent. Asok: What? Dilbert: We don't want investors to know what we're doing. Asok: Are we bad people? Dilbert: We're good people who have been influenced by a corrupt corporate culture. Asok: Oh, okay. Carry on.
20020621	Dilbert: As requested, my project team has added impenetrable complications to our accounting records. And an outside firm is erasing all memories from senior management. Pointy haired boss: How do they do that? Dogbert: Okay, you're ready to talk to Congress. Senior manager: Thank you.
20020622	Dilbert: I had my cell phone at one ear and my regular phone at the other. I'm reading e-mail, sending instant messages, my pager is vibrating, and my boss comes in! Dogbert: You know what makes your work stories fascinating? Dilbert: What? Dogbert: Nothing.
20020623	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department. Dilbert: There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing? Matt: One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error. So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake. I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing. Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case. The blank claimed that seven minus four is three, and I'm like, "Since when?" Pointy haired boss: Would he fit in? Dilbert: Unfortunately, yes.
20020624	Roboboss: I am Roboboss. You are a valuable asset. Keep up the good work. Alice: That is the most shallow compliment I have ever heard. But it still made me feel good. So... are you seeing anyone? Roboboss: High five!
20020625	Alice: Roboboss, can this relationship work? After all, I'm a human... and you're a soulless machine designed to give shallow compliments to employees. Roboboss: You're giving 110%. Alice: Stop... don't make me love you.
20020626	Catbert: This survey will help us improve morale. Dilbert: I misjudged you. I thought you were an evil director of H.R., but you care about morale. Catbert: When we fire this disgruntled guy, my morale will go way up. Pointy haired boss: Hee hee! 
20020627	Pointy haired boss: Hey, guy, cheer up. You can choose to have a good attitude! Guy: I just found out I have six months to live. Pointy haired boss: Maybe I'm saying it wrong. Try reading the book yourself. 
20020628	Wally: I'm in a battle of wills with a guy who lets all of his calls roll over to his voicemail. I do that too, so all day long we trade messages saying "Call me", and then we ignore the incoming calls. Pointy haired boss: Maybe he's out of the office. Wally: No, I can hear him. He's one cube over from me.
20020629	Pointy haired boss: Alice, you should act as if you're your own boss. Alice: Okay. My hair is pointy and I'm confused. Suddenly I have no respect for myself. Must... golf... now. Pointy haired boss: That is so-o-o not funny.
20020630	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, can you come with me to a meeting? Dilbert: Actually, no. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together. If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time. Wally: I'll cover for you. Dilbert: You will? Wally: Sure. Just leave your notes and I'll take care of it. Dilbert: What's the meeting about? Pointy haired boss: It's not exactly a meeting. I need someone to drink the crud on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot. Wally: All in favor of leaving before he gets back. Dilbert: (It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.)
20020701	Procurement. Dilbert: I need to order a special cable for my computer. No, that's a peice of rope. Yes, I know it's cheaper. Monkey: Ooh hoo ooh hoo! Dilbert: Well, maybe it was a mistake to sign an exclusive contract with a rope distributor. Monkey: Ooh hoo hoo jerk.
20020702	Dilbert: My technology test was a huge failure because I had to use rope as my electronic cable. Our procurement manager is a monkey who signed an exclusive cable contract with a rope vendor. Pointy Haired Boss: I'd rather not take sides until I hear the monkey's version.
20020703	Pointy haired boss: I call my idea "Coffee with the Boss". Each employee will get one hour of quality time with me. Carol: I'd rather staple a skunk to my forehead and go to a trade show for banjo makers. And yet, it's still better than working. So count me in. Pointy haired boss: That's the spirit! 
20020704	Pointy haired boss: You're the first employee for my "Coffee with the Boss" program. Feel free to say whatever is on your mind. Don't hold back. Give it to me straight. Dilbert: My chair has a squeak. Pointy haired boss: YOU UNGRATEFUL WHINY WRETCH!!! 
20020705	Pointy haired boss: I'm having these coffee meetings to find out how I can improve morale. Wally: My only problem was that I wasn't drinking enough coffee with you. So now I'm good, thanks. Promise me you'll never leave this table. I can't go back to the way things were.
20020706	Controller: I can't tell you how much your budget is, because if I did, yo'd try to spend all of it. Pointy haired boss: Can you tell me when I'm over budget? Controller: No, because then you'd know what the budget is. Pointy haired boss: Can you tell me what our company strategy is? Controller: Sure. It's... ha ha ha! Just kidding.
20020707	Pointy haired boss: Does anyone have any ideas for boosting morale? Wally: Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! The employee potluck lunch that we had last year was almost perfect. But we only did it once and some people had schedule conflicts. I call my idea the "Permanent Virtual Individual Employee Potluck" or P.V.I.E.P. for short. Every day, each employee brings a small meal in a bag and eats it whenever he gets hungry. Pointy haired boss: You already do that. Wally: And look how happy I am! Pointy haired boss: Okay. Who is going to organize the P.V.I.E.P.? Wally: Alice hasn't helped yet.
20020718	Dilbert: I'm broke. The company declared bankruptcy and my 401k savings are worthless. Dogbert: No, I've been impersonating you and diversifying your investments into tobacco, sweat shops, and diamond mines. Dilbert: Really?! How am I doing? Dogbert: It's mixed. You have a 37% return but your soul will burn for eternity.
20020721	Wally: Now for the highlight of the staff meeting: The Wally Report. Yesterday I was getting my hair styled as usual. But this time I forgot to remove my glasses, and what I saw was disturbing. My stylist was using a nose-hair trimmer to cut my hair! I protested, but she said she's been doing my hair that way for years. She said it just "seemed right". Tempers flared. I threw some hair gel. A salon brawl broke out! Pointy haired boss: Don't we use the same stylist? Wally: That would explain why she has a plunger.
20020722	Alice: Wally, what are we doing to do now that we're bankrupt and our 401K money is gone? Wally: No problem. I've been investing all of my money in our competitor's stock. Now I'm rich. Alice: Why do you still come to work? Wally: I don't know how to make coffee.
20020723	Alice: This is a list of our executives who sold their stock before announcing bankruptcy. My plan is to bring each executive to the roof, hold him by the ankles, and shake. Tina: Ooh, a cat comb!
20020724	Pointy haired boss: The Government is giving us a bailout load because we have excellent lobbyists! Ha ha! Taxpayers will give us money so we can build overpriced products to sell to taxpayers! Dilbert: Remind me again why any of this is legal. Pointy haired boss: Wuss. 
20020725	Carol: The Feng Shui in your office is terrible. Pointy haired boss: It is? Carol: That hum... it's the sound of your energy being drained into the Internet. Dilbert: Who told him that his computer fan is killing him?
20020726	Dilbert: Did you finish the vendor comparison that you promised you'd give me today? Employee: No. I'm one of those people that needs to be threatened every day or I won't do anything. Dilbert: You're very defective. Employee: Good start. I'm beginning to feel something.
20020727	Dilbert: I need your help yelling at a guy to make him do his job. Pointy haired boss: Yay! YOU WORTHLESS, INCOMPETENT BUG!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! How much work did that buy? Employee: Two phone calls and a meeting.
20020805	Catbert: I'm tired of calling the employees "resources." It's too complimentary. Catbert: I'm thinking of something along the lines of livestock or human capital. Pointy haired boss: I don't want them demanding hay. Catbert: Good point. We'll go with human capital.
20020807	Dogbert: Alice, employees are not allowed to eat in cubicles. GULP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP Dogbert: I'm going to see that every time I close my eyes! Alice: You started it.
20020808	Pointy haired boss: We have too many empty cubicles. It frightens our customers. Each one of you will adopt an empty cubicle and decorate it to appear occupied. Wally: My imaginary employee will be a Frenchman named Phil De Cube. Dilbert: Nice.
20020809	Pointy haired boss: Who are you? Allen: I'm Allen. I've been telecommuting for four years. Pointy haired boss: Allen? I fired you four years ago. Didn't you get my e-mail? Allen: This is exactly why I stopped coming to the office.
20020810	Allen: I telecommuted for four years without knowing until today that I'd been fired. Apparently unemployment feels exactly like empowerment. This is just like that movie, "The Sixth Sense." Did you like that movie, Wally? ... Wally?
20020811	Dilbert: Both plans are technically impossible. Pointy haired boss: Which one costs less? Dilbert: Um... I don't see how that matters, but plan one is cheaper. Pointy haired boss: Plan one is the best. Exec: I'll take it to our VP. VP: I like plan two. Exec: Great minds think alike! CEO: Excellent. Ask one of our engineers to present plan two to the board. Pointy haired boss: Guess what. Dilbert: Every day I make the world a little bit worse. Wally: What's it like to make a difference?
20020812	Dogbert: I will study the culture in your company and make detailed recommendations. "The one I call Wally is a docile outcast who eats bananas and drinks brown water." Do you mind if I staple this tracking device to your ear? Wally: Not really.
20020813	Dogbert: "The females of the group do all the hunting. The one I call Alice stalks her prey. She pounces. Her razor-sharp words tear the prey to shreds." Grrrr Dogbert: "The results are gruesome. Only the hyenas are laughing."
20020814	Dogbert: I've analyzed your corporate culture and put my findings in this report. Pointy haired boss: "The employees are a bunch of unmotivated weasels. I look good in this hat." Dogbert: I would have mentioned my knapsack but it's only a summary.
20020815	Pointy haired boss: I hired the "Amorphous Ad Company" to do our campaign. Designer: I see a gaseous cloud and some music... no, just a noise. Pointy haired boss: Excellent. And then we say the name of our company? Designer: Sure, if you want to ruin the ad.
20020816	Designer: Your print ads would look like this. It's a shape with no text. I did some checking and found out that all the good ideas have been used. This is all that's left. Pointy haired boss: Can it be green? Designer: Whoa! Who's the creative person here?
20020817	Dilbert: Mom, here's our new commercial. Dilbert's Mom: It gives no information about your products. Are you ashamed or just massively incompetent? Dilbert: Why can't we be both? Dilbert's Mom: I was just making conversation.
20020822	I've never seen any-one get this excited over a piece of junk mail. ive never been on a mailing list before. this letter is validation of my existence. its not addressed to you. ill grant you that its not a clean win.
20020831	Rex: Hello, Bob.  I hear you're evolving a zit into a third eye, trying to get an advantage. Bob: Gaaa!! No.  It's only for cosmetic reasons, I swear!! Hmm.... Bob: Gaaa!! Dogbert: Wanna watch a dinosaur be forced to used topical antibiotics? Dilbert: No, I have "TiVo".
20020905	Mouse training Trainer: Who wants to share an opinion on why mouse training is important? Wally: Ooh-ooh! Pick me! Trainer: Yes, Wally. Wally: no one?
20020906	Mouse training Trainer: today you will learn how to avoid premature clickage. Contort your face and visualize what you look like with a contorded face. Now pair off and we'll do some finger exercises that I call "The three Stooges".
20020907	Pointy haired boss: Our survey of customer satisfaction shows improvement. The focus group spontaneously attacked our reserchers using number two pencils as shivs. Dilbert: That's an improvement? Pointy haired boss: Last year the attack was premeditated.
20020908	Pointy haired boss: Carol, cancel all of my meetings forever. From now on, I plan to stay in my office and manage by e-mail. Carol: You still need to communicate some things in person. Pointy haired boss: No, I don't. I can do it all by e-mail. Pointy haired boss (e-mailing): Carol, e-mail me the budget. Pointy haired boss (thinking): And now, like magic... Computer: Ding! You have 1 message. Auto-reply: Carol is out of the office. Pointy haired boss (thinking): We have a situation here.
20020909	Pointy haired boss :This is our new CEO, Rufus T. Skwerrel. His first job was trailer park burglar. But thanks to a series of mergers and acquisitions, not to mention suspicious accounting, here we are. Would you like to say a few words?  Rufus T. Skwerrel (threatening Asok): Wallet & watch.
20020910	Dilbert: I like our new CEO. He has charisma. Wally: The man sure knows how to rob. He's a miracle worker with duct tape. He even gave me back my emptied wallet. Dilbert: Classy move.
20020911	Dilbert: Then our new CEA backed up a moving van to the building and robbed us. At first we thought he was breaking the law, but he had a written opinion from his tax lawyer saying it was probably okay. Dogbert: What did the board of directors do? Dilbert: After loading the van?
20020912	Pointy haired boss: To remind us all of our need to reduce expenses, the new dress code is barrels. Except for friday, which will be casual barrel day. Dilbert: Has anyone noticed that the barrel rides up on you when you sit?
20020917	In Elbonia Dilbert: Excuse me. My boss is cheap. Can you direct me to a bad hotel? Elbonian: I recommend the Bubonic Inn. It is so bad they will pay you to stay there. Receptionist: What kind of fleas do you want in your mattress? Dilbert: Lazy ones.
20020918	In Elbonia Dilbert: Yes, my company is so broke that our dress code is barrels... but what we lack in fashion we make up for in... umm... Did I say lack of fashion?
20020919	Pointy haired boss: Our dress code policy will go back to business attire. And I will keep changing the dress code until I fund the clothing style that makes our profits go up! Later, at the Sartorial Alchemy Lab Scientist: Watch out. This might spark.
20020920	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, meet a woman who acts peeved at any sort of question. Dilbert: How are you? Woman: HOW AM I??? Dilbert: Wow. I gotta show this to Wally.
20020921	Dilbert: Grab your dental floss and follow me. I'll explain on the way. Wally: Okay. Dilbert: The newly hired mutant is named "Peeved Eve". Wait until you see her peeved expression. Wally: Hee hee! Peeved Eve: GAAA! PUBLIC FLOSSING!
20020922	Bob Weaselton: I'm Bob Weaselton, your full-service stockbroker. There are two ways we can go here. Option one. I act as if brokers know which stocks are better than others. Then I'll earn your trust by comparing your portfolio to misleading benchmarks. But I prefer a more direct approach. Option two. I sell you whatever garbage earns me the biggest commission. Dilbert: Would you do me a favor and lie to me? Dogbert: Nice haircut.
20020923	Dilbert: I designed the user interface myself. How do you like the colors? Alice: (pukes) Dilbert: Flu? Alice: Interface design.
20020924	Doctor: You have chronic mahjobbis crappus but that's not why you puked. Have you been exposed to any user interfaces designed by engineers? Alice: Yes. Doctor: You have interface poisoning. You'll be dead in a week.
20020925	Alice: I have only one week to live. I've been poisoned by looking at a bad user interface design. The World's Smartest Garbageman: I see a lot of this. The only cure is to crowd out the ugly memory with images of staggering beauty. Alice: Where would I... The World's Smartest Garbageman: Drink it in, baby. And don't forget it. 
20020926	Dilbert's Mom: Norma's son finished three projects last year. You only did one. His cubicle is double-wide. And his CEO once said Hi to him in the elevator. Thanks to you, my "Scrabble" night is a living hell. Dilbert: Do you still use counterfeit vowels?
20020927	Dilbert's Mom: Why have you only finished one project at work this year? Norma's son did three. Dilbert: You can't measure someone's worth by counting the number of projects he does. Dilbert's Mom: Maybe we should track ROI instead. Norma: Why, because you're losing?
20021001	Dilbert: Our project team is composed of a Nitwit, an Ogre, and a #$&%! Nitwit: Which one of them is the Nitwit? Ogre: You didn't bring donuts. May I eat the Nitwit? Dibert: Yes Nitwit: Poor guy.
20021002	Alice: My project is stalled because my Nitwit hates my Ogre, and my #$&%! won't do any work. Dilbert: My Ogre ate my Nitwit and my #$&%! is trying to blame me for it. Alice: Do you want to borrow my Nitwit? Dilbert: No, I have a requisition in.
20021003	Salesman: We provide win-win scenarios and customer-focussed solutions. Dilbert: Uh... Okay... But what is the actual product or service you sell? Salesman: We don't sell; We partner. Dilbert: I don't buy; I shovel.
20021004	The vendor that couldn't describe his company's product Vendor: It integrates the resources Vendor: To optimize the performance of technology. Dilbert: Yeah, but what is it? Vendor: Hey, if you don't want your resources to be integrated, just say so.
20021005	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, put together a team to decide who'll be on the strategy council. Dilbert: You want me to form a committee to create a committee that will produce a document that will be ignored? Pointy haired boss: No, it's a team to create a council. Wally: Can I be on the team that ignores the document?
20021006	Pointy haired boss: Wally, it's time for your annual performance review. None of my usual words fit your situation. So I had to hit the Thesaurus pretty hard. Your overall rating is "feral". Your leadership skills are rated "squirrely." And your teamwork is a solid "coot". Your long-term potential is to die in the landscaping and become compost. Dilbert: How'd it go? Wally: I wasn't really listening.
20021007	Dogbert: A survey of your TV ad effectiveness shows that no one has heard of your company. Your ad only says your name once, at the end of a boring commercial when viewers have drifted off. I recommend throwing your ad money into a special kind of hole. Pointy haired boss: When can we start? 
20021008	Dogbert: Ratbert, I need you to dig a huge rat hole, so companies can throw money in it. Ratbert: YES!!! Dogbert: I might share some of the money with you. Ratbert: You had me at "hole". Ratbert: When should I stop digging? Dogbert: When you smell feet.
20021009	Businessman: May I throw money down the rat hole? Dogbert: Show me your business plan. You plan to pay huge investment banking fees to buy a low-margin, money-losing business... For an extra fee, I'll push you in the hole and take your money. Businessman: Oooh, sounds good.
20021010	Businessman: I can't decide if I should throw 25 million dollars down a rat hole or... buy a ride into space on a Russian rocket ship. Dogbert: What about the poor? Businessman: Do they have a rocket?
20021011	Pointy haired boss: Does anyone have a suggestion for reducing our inventory? Wally: Let's sell it to our customers. Pointy haired boss: Would that work? Wally: Feel free to tell the board that it's your idea.
20021012	Dilbert: (My vacation starts in ten minutes. I tied up all of my loose ends. I only need to walk out the door.) Pointy haired boss: I told a reporter that we designed a computer made entirely of recycled paper. 
20021013	Pointy haired boss: The three pillars of our pyramid are communication, integrity and teamwork. Dilbert: Question: Since when do pyramids have pillars? Pointy haired boss: Answer: Shut up. Alice: Problem: All of my team members are idiots. If I communicate my honest opinion of their ideas, I won't be a team players. But if I agree with their bad ideas, I won't have integrity. So instead of being a pyramid, can I be a two-legged stool like you? Dilbert: Wow! That was much better than my pillar question. Wally: Aren't I on your team?
20021014	Pointy haired boss: If we can put a man on the moon, we can build a computer made entirely of recycled paper. Dilbert: Your flawed analogy only shows that other people can do other things. Pointy haired boss: Maybe you should call other people and ask how they do it. Dilbert: Maybe they use good analogies.
20021015	Pointy haired boss: I asked Dilbert to lead the team in making a computer entirely form recycled paper. Asok: HA HA HA!! YOU ARE TOTALLY DOOMED TO FAIL!! Wally is teaching me to find joy in the misery of others. Dilbert: You're on my project team.
20021016	Wally: zzzzz Computer: Click, Click, Send Marketing Ted: Someone named Wally is telling us to launch the new product. Or it might say to eat lunch with a penguin. It has a few typos. Tina: I already ate, so let's do the other thing.
20021020	Alice: I did what? Pointy Haired Boss: You talked to my boss without my permission. Alice: I don't remember a rule against that. Pointy Haired Boss: That's because it's an unwritten rule. Alice: Unwritten you say? Hmm... Isn't that interesting? I wonder why it's unwritten. I would think you'd be proud to write down an excellent rule such as that. But if you prefer to keep transmitting rules by ESP, your skull seems to be blocking the out-going signals. If you're sending a new rule now, turn your head so it can come out your ear hole.
20021104	Pointy Haired Convict Pointy Haired Boss: I've got to find a way to bust out of this joint. Wally: Try walking backward. Pointy Haired Boss: Well, that didn't work... oh, I get it: This is a little joke you play on all the fresh meat.
20021110	"There is no specific agenda for this meeting. As usual, we'll just make unrelated emotional statements about things which bother us…" 
20021111	Dilbert: ... and I need it this afternoon. Short-timer: Forget it! I'm a short-timer. I plan to sit in this chair and not move my arms or legs for a week. After that, I'll never work another day. I hesitate to ask this, but I have an itch in an awkward place.
20021112	Pointy haired boss: Asok, Go get the short-timer and push his chair to my office. Asok: Is he injured? Pointy haired boss: No, he refuses to move his legs or arms until retirement. Asok: Are you an example of what is called a "piece of work"? Short-timer: Except for the "work" part. 
20021113	The short-timer. Pointy haired boss: You're retiring soon, so you can give me honest feedback. Short-timer: Wouldn't that be harder than doing absolutely nothing? How about if I create the illusion of listening while I fantasize about fishing? Pointy haired boss: Good enough. 
20021114	The short-timer. Asok: How will you leave if you refuse to use any major muscle groups until retirement? Short-timer: I'm hoping someone will buy me a motorized wheelchair and lift me into it. Asok: I would be willing to drag you to the curb. Short-timer: Face up?
20021115	Carol: There's an emergency strategy meeting in five minutes. Dilbert: I was all warm and cozy in my cubicle paradise. Why must you ruin it? Carol: Can you hear the sound of me not caring?
20021116	Pointy haired boss: We need a clear strategy. Does anyone have a suggestion? Dilbert: Let's figure out what makes us the most profit. And then do more of it. Pointy haired boss: It needs to be less clear than that. Wally: Can it be illegal?
20021117	Dilbert: The original schedule looked like this... one month for a management decision and one year to do the project. The revised schedule is this... one year of indecision followed by intense pressure to do the impossible before the deadline. Now if you'll each take a pair of 3-D glasses... you can see the layers of management incompetence practically jump out at you. Now scratch one of these scented cards to sniff the unmistakable odor of doom. Pointy haired boss: I don't smell anything. Is mine broken? 
20021118	Marketing guy: The marketing department wants you to build a device that turns customers into sheep. Dilbert: Why? So they'll buy whatever we tell them to buy? Marketing guy: To be honest, we haven't given it much thought beyond free wool.
20021119	Dilbert: My invention will turn people into mindless sheep. Dogbert: I'm curious how you'll know it works. I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change. Dilbert: Dogbert, did you unplug it as I asked you? Dogbert: Couldn't be bothered.
20021120	Dilbert: A lab accident turned me into a sheep. It's not all bad. In addition to being soft and warm, I never need to form opinions. If you want some wool, just grab me and start shaving. I'll barely struggle. Pointy haired boss: Cool! 
20021121	Dilbert: Before we start the meeting, I should explain how I turned into a sheep. Wally: Why do people think their problems are interesting to other people? Alice: I stepped in a puddle. Dilbert: I'M A FRICKEN SHEEP!!!
20021122	Dilbert: ... and the next thing I knew, I'd been turned into a sheep. Dilbert's Mom: On the bright side, I won't need to remind you to wear a sweater. Dilbert: I was hoping for advice, not ridicule. Dilbert's Mom: No one likes a pushy sheep.
20021123	The World's Smartest Garbageman: You can reverse the sheep effect by signing up for a kickboxing class. The change will happen quickly, so be prepared. Dilbert: Umm... okay. Dilbert: (Suddenly I realize he meant "wear pants".)
20021124	Pointy haired boss: (I hate today... I hate today... Wally's annual performance review.) Pointy haired boss: Let's compare your objectives with... what the...? Apparently your objectives are "Play computer solitaire and drink coffee." Wally: I hope you're learning a valuable lesson about reading documents before signing them. Pointy haired boss: Okay, we'll use what we have. How many games of Solitaire did you win? Wally: Win? I didn't know you could win. Is that something new? Dilbert: He made you the employee of the month? Wally: He thinks he signed a warning for my file.
20021125	Wally: From now on, I plan to wear headphones in office. I'll be drumming my fingers and humming all day. I might even whistle. I can't hear you, but I assume you're wishing me luck. Dilbert: Inconsiderate #%*!$
20021126	Wally: OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN... (With headphones I sound exactly like Britney Spears.) Alice: I'd slap him but I don't want to touch him. Wally: OOH OOH.
20021127	Asok: The lower left part of my computer screen is defective. May I order a replacement? Pointy haired boss: That part of the screen is overrated. Try ignoring it. Asok: May I vigorously bang my head on your desk? Pointy haired boss: Sure. Knock yourself out. 
20021128	Pointy haired boss: Each of you will get a shirt as part of my war on waste program! Dilbert: I wouldn't wear that shirt at home or in the office, so what good is... Wally: HONK! Dilbert: Oh. Never mind.
20021129	Wally: I sprained my arm using the TV remote control. I tried to change the channel and the volume at the same time. That's why you should always stretch first. Dilbert: Wally, who's your doctor?
20021130	Dilbert: This is a guess, but I think your doctor is a vet. Wally: I don't know about his military service. I just know he has great cookies. And I like it when he rubs my belly. Dilbert: I know something you don't know.
20021201	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, research this expense and find out what it's for. Dilbert: It's only $2.37. It could take all day to track it down! I'm a highly trained engineer, not a clerk. How can you justify wasting a valuable employee like me on a trivial task like this?!! Pointy haired boss: That reminds me: Your project got cancelled. This is your only assignment. WOO-HOO! IN YOUR FACE!!! (I wonder if he'll find out I spent $2.37 on his "kudos" award.) 
20021202	Pointy haired boss: Human resources is sending a designated firer to do layoffs. If a stranger approaches your cubicle, it means you're toast. Ted: GAAA!!! Weasel: Hell-o-o-o, Carol. Can you show me where Ted sits? Carol: GAAA!!
20021203	Weasel: Hell-o-o-o, Ted. I'm the Weasel of layoffs. If there's any way I can make this experience more humiliating, don't hesitate to ask. Ted: WHY, WHY ME??!! Weasel: I'll tape a list of defects to your old chair.
20021204	Pointy haired boss: Asok, take these project summaries and summarize them into one summary. And when you're done, take that summary and summarize it. Asok: What is a shorter word for doomed?
20021205	Carol: So I told him to stop making motor noises with his lips. Get the Scorpion King action figure away from your sister's Barbie!!! Wally: Now she's also typing a personal message with her nose! Dilbert: It's a trifecta!
20021206	Pointy haired boss: I need you to do Ted's job and your own job until we hire someone. Dilbert: If we do well, you'll make me do two jobs forever. If I do poorly, I'll get no raise. Pointy haired boss: I can't promise anything, but there might be some verbal praise down the road. 
20021207	Pointy haired boss: Carol, tell those kids they can't skateboard in our parking lot. Carol: Should I give them a reason, or is this part of your master plan to remove all joy from the Universe? Pointy haired boss: They know about the plan. Catbert: Fool! I told you to blame our insurance carrier!
20021208	Tina: My vacation was great. The sunsets were beautiful. The food was amazing. Dilbert: Descriptions of your vacation serve no purpose. I can neither see the sunsets nor taste the food. It appears to be a selfish attempt to trigger happy memories for yourself at my expense. Tina: Okay, buster! When my seven rolls of film get developed... YOU'RE OUT OF THE LOOP!!! Dilbert: (That worked out better than I hoped.)
20021209	Dilbert: My magnetic-cancellation wheel will create unlimited free energy. Dogbert: BUWUHAHA!!! I will use this technology to rule the world!!! Dilbert: Um... it's not yours. Dogbert: What time are you going to bed?
20021210	Bob: My dream was to someday decompose and become fossil fuel. But Dilbert's cruel invention will make fuel unnecessary. Now my life has no purpose! Dogbert: You can be my disposable evil lackey. Bob: I-I-I can?
20021211	Dogbert: We'll artificially boost revenues by selling to our own offshore subsidiary. Then we'll book our expenses as capital, lie to the media about our prospects, bribe an industry analyst, and cash out! I know I'm doing something right when my business practices gag a rat. Ratbert: Aak aak aak.
20021212	Bob: The reporter from Moneybags magazine is here. Dogbert: Send him in. Dogbert: Are you planning to ask my employees if my claims are true? Reporter: Nah, too lazy. Dogbert: I credit my success to the foot massages I personally give to each employee.
20021213	Dogbert: I sold my stock and made billions before driving my company into bankruptcy. Now I do the weasel dance. Hoo-ah! Yee-ha! Woo-woo-woo! Would it kill you to clap and sing along?
20021214	Wally: Then they rip out your ego and put you in a box until you rot! Kids: GAAA!! Wally: You'll never know if you're dead or if you're simply envying the dead!! Dilbert: How was "career day"? Wally: Kids these days are afraid of work.
20021215	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, I want you to write a letter to our new customer. I'll tell you what to say, then you'll go write it and I'll sign it. This way I won't waste my valuable executive time. It's efficient. Dilbert: Yes, that's one possible outcome. Here's another. You'll keep forgetting to mention important things that should be in the letter. I'll be trapped in an endless loop of writing, tracking you down, getting criticized and starting over. Or you could simply write the letter yourself and save us both a huge hassle. Pointy haired boss: In paragraph one, say something like "Hi".
20021216	Dilbert: I calculated the impact of work on my health and life expectancy. At my current workload, doing two people's jobs, I have... six months to live. Dogbert: Remind me in five and a half months so I can shop for a card.
20021217	Estate planning. Dilbert: I expect to work myself to death in six months, so I need a will. Estate manager: Are you mentally incompetent? Dilbert: I don't think so. Estate manager: Okay then, I'll remove my name from the list of beneficiaries.
20021218	Estate planning. Estate manager: You can avoid probate costs by creating a living trust. Dilbert: So... I can use an inconvenient system created by lawyers to avoid a worse system created by lawyers? Estate manager: According to my watch, that witty observation cost you four dollars. 
20021219	Dilbert: I'm well on my way to an early death from overworking. I expect a visit from the Grim Reaper any day now. Dilbert: You don't look so grim. Grim Reaper: Unlike you, I love my job.
20021220	Grim Reaper: I was a grim reaper until I started taking antidepressants. I still reap, because I like the work, but I'm not grim. Dilbert: Am I dead? Grim Reaper: No, I'm over my limit today, so I'm doing catch-and-release.
20021221	Dilbert: Technically I was dead for eight minutes. I don't know why I wasn't afraid. Dilbert: (Oh.)
20021222	The Adventures of Paul Ooshen (say it fast). Paul: (Aaah... the scent of a hog farm in a rainstorm. Oil for fingers. Onion sandwich. Annoying nasal sounds. Leaky coffee mug. I'm ready for my meeting.) Alice: YES! YES! I AGREE TO EVERYTHING! PLEASE LEAVE!! Paul: (I didn't even need to lean over her keyboard with my sugar doughnut.)
20021223	Girl: Come work out with me. Tina: We don't have a company gym. Girl: Try having a conversation with Jim the security guard. It's totally exhausting. Jim: ... but a cow is not entirely full of milk; some of it is hamburgers!
20021224	Dogbert: I plan to sell an anti-itch lotion that's really just honey. I'll put a tiny disclaimer on the bottle that says, "Might cause itching." Dilbert: That's not nice. Dogbert: And then I'll sell my customer list to bears.
20021225	Pointy haired boss: I got an award! "The 'Family-Haters Association' is proud to give you this award for your anti-family practices." (I hope no one reads it.)
20021226	Alice: Quit staring. I overslept and now I have a bad case of bed hair. Asok: I'm confused. Surely it would have gone back to normal after your shower. Please do not unleash the unhygienic fist of death!
20021227	Performance review. Pointy haired boss: You did two jobs for a year and did them well. I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy. The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system.
20021228	Catbert: I can monitor all employee e-mail from here. I'm looking for recently estranged lovers so I can promote one of them over the other. Ted: Why is my new job title a long string of curse words? Tina: I win.
20021229	Pointy haired boss: Carol, call the police. My car has been stolen. Carol: Is it like the last three times that you thought it had been stolen? And later you realized that you just forgot where you parked it? Pointy haired boss: No. This time is different. My car is totally gone. Carol: Watch me use my magic powers to make your car reappear in the parking lot. PRESTO AUTO REAPPEARO!!! After all the other cars leave the parking lot, your car will appear. Pointy haired boss: (Freaky.) 
20021230	Pointy haired boss: Make your "Powerpoint" presentation so boring that our CEO will slip into a trance. Then I'll whisper to him subliminal suggestions to increase our budget. Pointy haired boss: (More budget.) Wally: (Kill the pointy-haired monster.)
20021231	Pointy haired boss: Bob will demonstrate our new biometric security system. The system checks for pulse, heat and fingerprints to identify each employee. Wally: It says I don't have any of those things. Bob: Are you the one they call Wally?
20030101	Wally: For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding. The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA. Dilbert: Why? Wally: We like to ask "Why not?"
20030102	Dogbert: My plan is to sell low-cost video-phones to dim-witted identical twins. I'll even throw in free long-distance calling because that's the kind of guy I am. Dim-witted twin: Gaaa!!! What are you doing at my girlfriend's house???
20030103	Carol: A reporter wants to see you. He claims we've been delivering all of our garbage to the local park for twenty years. How is that even possible? Pointy haired boss: The secret is in the spreading.
20030104	Investigative reporter: Explain why your company dumps garbage in the park. And why do you drive such a wasteful vehicle? Pointy haired boss: (to Asok) I need you to scrape something off my tires and take it to the park. 
20030105	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, I got a new member for your project team. Mo: My name is Ron but everyone calls me Mo. I don't know why. Dilbert: Mo, why is your shirt on backward? Mo: WHAT??! AGAIN??! Stand back. I'll try to fix it by quickly turning around. AAAGH! HU-AAH! Oh, great. Now Dilbert is gone. I must have entered another dimension. Dilbert: Please tell me that his pay is lower than mine. Pointy haired boss: (I love this part.) 
20030106	Pointy Haired Boss: I need you self-evaluation so I can write your performance review. Remember to rate yourself on our corse values of honesty and integrity. Wally: Wally claims he did no work this year. But he's dishonest, so you can't be sure.
20030108	Pointy Haired Boss: How do I make this software schedule one person to two tasks at the same time? Dilbert: I can write a patch that inserts new months in the timeline. Pointy Haired Boss: And the second task is due on the fifteenth of Floopuary.
20030109	Pointy Haired Boss: We're going to try something called extreme programming. First, pick a partner. The two of you will work at one computer for forty hours a week. Wally: The new system is a minute old and I already hate everyone.
20030110	Extreme programming. Dilbert: I can't give you all of these features in the first version. And each feature needs to have what we call a "user story". Customer: Okay, here's my story. You give me all of my features or I'll ruin your life.
20030111	Extreme programming. Pointy haired boss: The two of you will be a code-writing team. Studies have proved that two programmers on one computer is the most productive arrangement. Wally: Sometimes I can whistle through both nostrils. I've saved a fortune in harmonicas.
20030112	Asok: I thought of a great idea. You could let the project managers manage their own budgets... what? You're giving me a look. I must try to guess what it means. We don't do things that way? If it were a good idea, you'd already be doing it? My ideas are poorly conceived? I can't see the big picture?! GAAA!!! I AM IGNORANT AND WORTHLESS!! I MUST PUMMEL MYSELF WITH MY OWN TINY FISTS!! OW! OW! Pointy haired boss: They're kinda self-managed now. Catbert: Very evil; I purr in your general direction.
20030113	Consultick: Hello, potential client. I'm a consultick. I'll burrow into your corporate skin, suck your cash and never leave. My firm has a track record of huge consulting failures and conflicts of interest! Pointy haired boss: (No red flags.) 
20030114	The consultick. Pointy haired boss: He'll do more than give us bad advice... he'll also make sure we can't implement it without him. Ha ha! Now he's burrowing into my torso, and I've convinced myself it's okay. 
20030115	Dogbert: It looks like you need "Dogbert's Consultant Removal Service". He's in there good. You must be losing a lot of cash. It already spread to your wallet. I'll have to operate immediately.
20030116	Dogbert: I can either save your life or the consultant's life. But one of you will die. Pointy haired boss: Give us a minute to discuss it. Pointy haired boss: He recommends that you kill me. 
20030117	Dogbert: The consultectomy was successful, but you lost a lot of cash. We're giving your wallet a transfusion, but we had to sedate the unwilling donor. Donor: Whoever thought of happy hour at a hoshpital ish a geniush.
20030118	Pointy haired boss: Wally, would you... Oh... never mind. I see that you're radiating an aura of extreme incompetence. Dilbert: You forgot to turn off your aura. Wally: It takes a minute to cool down.
20030119	Customer: Can your department do this for us? Pointy haired boss: No problem. Customer: Really? It's outside of your normal scope of work and I know you're overloaded. Pointy haired boss: We're a flexible, client-driven organization! Asok: Wally, how can I avoid projects that are outside the scope of my responsibility? Wally: Cheerfully accept the assignments and never work on them. It bolsters your claims of being overloaded while leaving you free for work that matters. Asok: Work matters? Wally: Well, not to us. Pointy haired boss: I'm not even sure what they want. Asok: I'll start ignoring it immediately.
20030120	Dilbert: I work for an unethical company. Does that make me a bad person? Dogbert: You're loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes. Dilbert: Why did that seem rehearsed? Dogbert: That's all I think about when we go for walks.
20030121	Pointy haired boss: I'm putting you in charge of building our new technology lab. Pick the contractor with the lowest bid. I don't foresee any problems with that strategy. Dilbert: So, your bid says you'll do the job for "... a chance to gnaw on wood." Beaver: Too high?
20030122	Dilbert: Your construction bid is the lowest, so I have to award you the job. When can your team of highly skilled craftsmen begin? Beaver: I'll call you. Beaver: Day one: My ex-wife set my truck on fire.
20030123	Dilbert: The project is behind schedule because our contractor is a lazy beaver. For a while he was making up excuses. Now he doesn't return calls. Pointy haired boss: What's your plan? Dilbert: I hope to get him back to making up excuses by promising him more jobs in the future.
20030124	Dilbert: We need to upgrade our PC operating systems, so we have a stable environment for applications. Think of it as a form of taxation by an evil shadow government. Pointy haired boss: Shadow government? That's ridiculous. Computer: Shut up and pay me.
20030125	Vendor: For only a million dollars, you can upgrade to our newest software version. Or you can slowly decompose in the miasma of our planned obsolescence. Dilbert: We can't afford to upgrade now. Vendor: Say goodbye to the digits three and nine.
20030126	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, come here for a minute. I need to talk to you about... (ring ring) Dilbert: (He's giving me the "wait" signal. I have nothing to look at, nothing to fiddle with, nothing to do. I'll try thinking about how my mind controls my muscles. Uh-oh... I'm getting too conscious of my muscles and it's freaking me out. GAAA!!! I'VE LOST MY MIND-BODY CONNECTION!!) Pointy haired boss: The problem with engineers is that they don't idle well. 
20030127	Wally: I'm bailing out of your project; it has a scent of failure. I will attach myself to a more successful host to ensure my survival. Dilbert: Do you have a pill for someone who gets rejected by Wally? Psychiatrist: A loser pill?
20030128	Pointy haired boss: In response to your continuous harping about not having enough funding... I hired an expensive consultant to hire your budget. Consultant: I'll have to run some chaos and complexity simulations, but it looks as if you need more money.
20030129	Dilbert: I call my invention the "visibuddy". It's a mindless replica that can attend meetings and increase my visibility. Visiguy: Am I working hard or hardly working? Do you golf? Pointy haired boss: (Nice guy.)
20030130	Pointy haired boss: Your visibility has been excellent lately. What's your secret? Dilbert: I created a mindless replica to attend meetings. He has no personality whatsoever. Pointy haired boss: Wow! You look totally real. Visibuddy: Hee hee! Burn, dude.
20030131	Woman: Would it be okay if I asked your mindless replica for a date? I'm full of uninteresting stories and need a guy who's a good listener. Woman: Now I'll describe the clothing of each person at the cat show. Visibuddy: THUNK!
20030201	Pointy haired boss: We saved money by hiring a guy who had many personal problems. But we're sure he was just unlucky; no one would invite that many problems into his life. Guy with many personal problems: (on phone) Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he sobers up.
20030202	Dilbert: Your budget is wrong. You forgot maintenance. Employee: Why do you engineers always think you're right? Dilbert: I anticipated your reaction and I came prepared. Here's a list of every disagreement we've had. And here are the audio clips of the outcomes. In your own voice. Audio clips: You're right, Dilbert... You're right... I guess you're right... I'm wrong... You're right... You're right. Employee: Let me see that for a second. Dilbert: (To an engineer, everyone looks like a chimp.) Employee: Oo! oo! oo!
20030203	Doctor: It's a mild rash. I'll scribble an indecipherable prescription for you. Dilbert: What if your bad handwriting causes the pharmacy to give me harmful medication? Doctor: That's a little think I call marketing.
20030204	Pharmacist: I can't read your doctor's handwriting. I'll give you this mood-altering drug to make you happy. Dilbert: I have a skin rash! Pharmacist: And it's making you unhappy, right?
20030205	Dilbert: I'm taking a mood-altering prescription drug to treat skin rash. I still itch, but I don't care. In fact, I don't even think you're a huge, stinkin' weasel. I love you! You da man! Pointy haired boss: Remind me to cancel your health benefits. 
20030206	Dilbert: My project is in a flaming death spiral, thanks to you lazy, selfish weasels. But I'm feeling terrific because I'm taking mood-altering prescription drugs! I can see by your expressions that my doctor is much better than yours! Hoo-wah!
20030207	Dilbert: The prescription drugs make me happy, but I worry that it's not genuine happiness. Dogbert: Ask your doctor for a drug that cures worrying. Then you'll have it all. Doctor: It might make you grow an exoskeleton, but you won't care. Dilbert: Cool.
20030208	Dilbert: My medication makes me carefree and happy, but the side effect is an exoskeleton. Remember the old saying - "Beauty is only bone deep". Hee hee. But enough about me. I don't want to look shellfish. Woman: You had a chance until the pun.
20030209	Dilbert: My new design will meet all of our customers' current and future needs. Reviewer: That's no good. They'll never need to upgrade. Dilbert: Please don't ask me to put flaws in my design. Pointy haired boss: Flaws would work. Reviewer: We need flaws. Reviewer: Flaws, flaws, flaws. Dilbert: Please... no... Pointy haired boss: Make it freeze every hour. Reviewer: The interface needs to be more confounding. Reviewer: And... Later. Dilbert: Please... no more. Reviewer: ... and crippling electric shocks. Much, much later. Pointy haired boss: The help screen could recommend marrying an unemployed, shirtless guy with a mullet. Reviewer: THAT'S marketing!
20030210	Dilbert: My medication makes me happy despite my exoskeleton, bad job, and social life. If chemicals can change the way I think and what I enjoy, then free will must be an illusion. Psychiatrist: What about your soul? Dilbert: I'm an engineer.
20030211	Wally: I heard you had a cold. Dilbert: It wasn't a cold. I was addicted to prescription drugs and I grew an exoskeleton. I've been in rehab and surgery for six months. Wally: Just to be clear: Can I catch any of that by touching the coffeemaker after you?
20030212	Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: I need to check a few things before we hire you. Give me blood, hair, and urine samples, fingerprints, social-security number, past employers, and past lovers. Pointy haired boss: Before we started doing all of this checking, di you know that everyone in the world was despicable?
20030213	Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: (Evil.) Phone: Ring. Catbert: I'm sorry, I can't give references for ex-employees. But if I did, it would rhyme with "mazy loron".
20030214	Pointy haired boss: From now on, I want you to stagger your lunch hours so someone is always here. Asok: Gaaa! As the lowest person in the pecking order, I will never know in advance when I can eat!! Pointy haired boss: Sheesh, take a pill. Asok: It is the end of errands as I know them!!
20030215	Pointy haired boss: The good news is that half of you will get huge raises. The bad news is that half of you will be downsized tomorrow. Dilbert: Is it the same people? Pointy haired boss: Yeah, we ran the numbers. 
20030216	Dilbert: Do you want to watch a numbing? Wally: You know I do. Where is it? Dilbert: Cubicle 15950. Alice: Are you going to the numbing? Wally: You know we are! Asok: What is a numbing? Wally: It's the moment that an employee's brain numbs to the pain of working here. It's actually quite beautiful. Dilbert: No two are alike. Employee: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! GAA!! GAA!! Ooh. What the...? Dilbert: It's okay - he's in a happy place now.
20030217	Ted (The Generic Guy) : (Phone rings) Excuse me while I take this call Dilbert: Okay Dilbert: Excuse me while I hate your inconsiderate guts Ted (To the phone): Not nothing important. Dilbert: Excuse me while I imagine crushing your head  
20030218	Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert: From now on, the company will allow flex time. You can work any hours you like, as long as you're here from eight to five. Dilbert: That's called unpaid overtime. Catbert: And you need to be flexible to do that to yourself, right?
20030219	Candidate: If you hire me, I'll work a hundred hours a week and never ask for a raise. I went to a school at a top-secret facility for super geniuses; that's why it's not on my resume. Pointy haired boss: (to Catbert) And I'm sure it's all true because he says he's honest! Catbert: Apparently it doesn't take one to know one.
20030220	My Fantasy is to own a luxary motor coach. I'd drive it to work and sleep all day in the parking lot. It would be like paradise. Dilbert: That's your best fantasy? It would also have a tv, in case I woke up.
20030222	Pointy haired boss: We'll save money by outsourcing our I.T. function. Then we'll save more money by replacing our outsourcing with full-time employees. Wally: When it's time for us to panic, will there be a warning sound, or was that it?
20030223	Pointy haired boss: Carol, come to my strategy meeting. You're only a secretary, but I value your input. Carol: I'M AN ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT!!! Carol: (Chimp.) Pointy haired boss: (Bad secretary.) Pointy haired boss: Does anyone have any strategic ideas for global domination? Carol: The engineers keep using our coffee filters as popcorn bags. That has got to stop. Alice: If you ordered enough filters, I wouldn't need to use the foot of my pantyhose to make coffee every day! Wally: I'm adding that to the list of things I don't want to think about.
20030224	Pointy haired boss: I have an assignment for you that has no value whatsoever to the company. For reasons of company politics, I need to pretend I'm doing something in that area. Wally: So, you're doing ACTUAL work. What's that all about?
20030225	Dilbert: I have an appointment to see a demo of your new product. Vendor: And the unit will be in a case like this, but completely different, and it will have software once we write it. Dilbert: You let me travel four hours to see an empty case? Vendor: Are you forgetting the blank CD?
20030226	Pointy haired boss: How often would you charge use this "annual fee"? Vendor: Is that a joke? Alice: Sadly, no. Vendor: Once a month. Pointy haired boss: Sounds fair. 
20030227	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, meet your new co-worker, Toxic Tom. He complained about his last job all through his interview. But he'll be happy here. Toxic Tom: He says he thinks you're stupid because you ask too many questions.
20030228	The Toxic co-worker. Toxic Tom: You wouldn't believe what people are saying about you. I tried to defend you. I said you look slow only because you're bloated. But what ticks me off is that everyone in this department earns more than you do.
20030301	Dilbert: We demand that you fire our toxic co-worker. Wally: You aren't talking about me, are you? Dilbert: No, you're lazy and ineffectual with an overlay of selfish. Wally: And I hate the toxic guy?
20030302	Dogbert: This is Dogbert's tech support. How may I abuse you? Customer: Finally!! It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system! Then I waited in queue for forty minutes! My problem is that my computer keeps freezing... Dogbert: Not so fast. I need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, e-mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers. Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot. He'll ask you the same questions for reasons that will baffle you. Customer: But eventually you'll solve my problem, right? Dogbert: Sure, if your problem us too much optimism.
20030303	Dilbert: You don't respond to my e-mail anymore. Pointy haired boss: When I reply to e-mail, it attracts more e-mail. I'm trying to break the vicious cycle. Dilbert: Well... I'll leave you voice-mails. Pointy haired boss: Let me know how that works out for you. 
20030304	Pointy haired boss: Our facilities management says the new statue by the front entrance isn't a statue. It's an unlucky guy named Karl who had been warned many times not to feed the birds. Then it talks about statistical clustering... blah, blah, blah... and serving as an example.
20030305	Wally: I've decided to add chronic lateness to my repertoire. I'll start with the classic excuses: car problems, traffic, and misplaced items. Then I'll branch out. Dilbert: You're the mayor of Loserville. Wally: Don't jinx it.
20030306	Carol: A man from "Loser Magazine" wants to see you. He said something about featuring you on the cover. Wally: Send him over. Carol: I tried, but he keeps going into the break room and napping. Wally: I hate showoffs.
20030307	Interviewer: Wally, I'd like to interview you for "Loser Magazine". Wally: Okay. Interviewer: Do you have a pen? Wally: Wow. These are easy questions. Interviewer: I mean, may I borrow your pen? Wally: No, you look like a chewer.
20030308	Interviewer: Your story is perfect for "Loser Magazine". It makes me wish I'd written it down because I'm already forgetting... oops. It's gone. I'll just make up something that sounds good. And I'll use photos of a model. Thanks, Willy. Wally: (I'm famous!)
20030309	Dilbert: I call my invention the "eargarette". It's a cigarette for your ear! It allows non-smokers to take smoking breaks. Dogbert: Is there any downside? Dilbert: What? Dogbert: Never mind. Dilbert: We've been working for fifteen minutes straight. I need an eargarette break. Dilbert: What? Wally: What? Dilbert: What? Dilbert: Ear mint? Wally: Two, please.
20030310	Dogbert: Would you like to buy some life insurance? Dilbert: Exclusions: self-inflicted wounds, pre-existing illness, criminal acts, wars, dangerous sports, smoking... Much later that day. Dilbert: ... and pistol duels resulting from quilting bees. Dogbert: No one reads it, freak!
20030311	Pointy haired boss: Carol, where's my ten o'clock? Carol: He said he'd be late because you're a moron and he doesn't respect you? The Ten o'Clock: Did you tell him I was stuck in traffic? Carol: It's not always about you.
20030312	Pointy haired boss: Why isn't my cell phone working? Dilbert: That's a short-range cell phone. You need to be in the same room with the person you call. Pointy haired boss: (Answer the stinkin' phone, Alice.) Asok: Why are you listening to a TV remote control?
20030313	Pointy haired boss: Wally has been researching Greek words to name our new product. Wally: All I have is Zeus and Parthenon, and the word "Greek" itself. I understand they have a word for sports events, too. I'm trying to track that down.
20030314	Customer: My company is just moving to a "just in time" inventory strategy. You'll deliver when we need it. Dilbert: So... your success depends on my company doing what it promises? You have my deepest sympathy. Customer: I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. Dilbert: And so it begins.
20030315	Dilbert: A customer keeps asking when we'll deliver the stuff they bought. Pointy haired boss: When will we? Dilbert: Never. You lied to them to get their business. You took their money and gave them nothing. Do you know what that makes you? Pointy haired boss: The winner! 
20030316	Pointy haired boss: I see some new faces. Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. Asok: I am Asok, the intern. I report to you. But I also report to Alice on a dotted line. And I report to Carol on a fuzzy, thin line. I have a blinking, irregular line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert. Alice: Please... make this stop. Asok: And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food service cashier who touched my hand while giving change.
20030317	Pointy haired boss: Let's brainstorm ideas for "Employee Morale-Enhancement Day". Alice: We could play "Pin the tail on the pointy-haired weasel whose breath smells like feet." Pointy haired boss: We might need more morale-enhancement days. Catbert: How about this weekend when I'm not here?
20030318	Marketing genius. Marketing genius: We designed a rebate program that won't cost a penny. The rebate process is an impenetrable fortress of unclear instructions and physical impossibilities. Customer: Next we have to find the hidden 300-digit serial number and write it in a box that's half an inch long. Wife: Stinkin' weasels.
20030319	Pointy haired boss: The department that costs the most will get our CEO as its secretary for a day. Carol: I'm deeply offended by the implication that my job is so trivial that it can be used as a prize. Pointy haired boss: Maybe you can train him to phone your kids and yell at them. Carol: NOT FUNNY!!
20030320	Pointy haired boss: Our department won the cost-cutting contest, so our CEO will do your job for a day. CEO: I feel like a failure... darkness fills my days... I dream of the grave. Pointy haired boss: This is less motivating than I'd hoped. CEO: I'll never be loved again!!
20030321	Dilbert: I'll design the system as soon as you give me the user requirements. Customer: Better yet, you could build the system, then I'll tell your boss that it doesn't meet my needs. Dilbert: I don't mean to frighten you, but you'll have to do some actual work. Customer: That's crazy talk.
20030322	Dilbert: I can't start the project because the user won't give me his requirements. Pointy haired boss: Start making something anyway. Otherwise we'll look unhelpful. Dilbert: So, our plan is to cleverly hide our competence. Pointy haired boss: You think too much. 
20030405	Dilbert: Carol, this is our new guy, Harry Middlepart. Carol: I don't approve of your hairstyle. I forbid you to be near by workspace. Harry Middlepart: She's not good people. Carol: THE SEVENTIES CALLED. THEY WANT THEIR HAIR BACK!!
20030430	Dogbert: You can survive the next round of layoffs by sacrificing a co-worker. You must make your boss believe that someone is a worse employee than you. Dilbert: Ted, let me explain revenue: It's like your embezzlement, but it's directed at customers.
20030501	Pointy haired boss: I have an unimportant project, so I thought of you. Find a bunch of inspirational quotes that we can put on the lobby walls. Computer: "If being an eagle is such a good idea, why are there so few of them?"
20030502	Wally: I've been asked to collect inspirational quotes for the lobby wall. Alice: Get out of my cubicle, you freakish waste of carbon. Wally: (That'll look good over the elevators.)
20030503	Wally: As requested, I pulled together some inspirational quotes for our lobby wall. Pointy haired boss: Hannibal Lecter... The Donner Party... uh... Wally, most of these people are cannibals. Wally: It was probably a mistake to do this assignment on an empty stomach.
20030504	Asok: Wally, could you teach me to work smarter, not harder? Wally: Grab an important looking document and follow me. Walk briskly and pretend to be angry about what you're reding. Employee: Hey, Asok, would you help me...? Never mind. Wally: As a rule, people try to avoid anyone who has more problems than they do. Lesson two: Make sure your shirt and your toothpaste are the same color. This baby is covered with toothpaste stains, but you'd never know it. Asok: Wow! Wally: And how often do you need to launder a shirt that smells minty? Asok: Never!
20030505	Wally: I think my head is getting heavier from all the new thoughts. I plan to compensate by propping it with my arm during meetings Dilbert: Some people think you have no goals. Wally: Long term, I hope to be on a stamp.
20030506	Elbonian: Elbonia has gotten a bad reputation. We need your help to rebuild our image. The problem began when we discovered a civilization of leprechauns living under our mud. Now they're our primary export. But we underestimated the vegetarian backlash.
20030507	P.R. for Elbonia. Dogbert: The media give you bad rap for exporting leprechaun meat. Our ad campaign will feature a leprechaun explaining that they enjoy being eaten. Leprechaun: Elbonians are now our best friends. Now excuse me while I tenderize myself.
20030508	P.R. for Elbonia. Dogbert: You need to buy some influence in Washington. It sounds expensive, but it's a lot more affordable than you'd think. Elbonian: Gum? Washington guy: You got MY vote!
20030509	Pointy haired boss: Double the revenue estimates and make sure the research supports it. Dilbert: But... but... it's too late! The research is done, and it won't support higher revenue! Doctor: Your stress is a combination of drive-by management and a flashlight in your eyes.
20030510	Dilbert: I'm a victim of drive-by management. He sprayed my cubicle with irrational orders and waddled away. Dogbert: Heh-heh. Waddle is a funny word. Dilbert: I feel your empathy slipping away.
20030517	Dilbert: Question: How do you know which management techniques work best? Logically, doesn't the existence of thousands of management books show that no one knows what works best? Pointy Haired Boss: The trick is knowing which one to read. Dilbert: Now you're just making me mad.
20030518	Catbert: The Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: Hello, headcount. Ted: Am I fired? Catbert: No, no, no... I'd never fire you for making unflattering comments to the press about the company. Catbert: Really? Everyone said you're evil. Catbert: Heh, heh, thank you. But all I'm doing is transferring you to a new job. Ted: Gee, that doesn't sound too bad. What is it? Catbert: Our new assembly line is seven inches too low. Your job is to fix it. Ted: (I'm living for the weekend.)
20030519	Alice: I just realized that my career primarily consists of asking you for stuff... and wondering how long I should wait before I remind you. Do you know how that makes me feel? Pointy haired boss: How what makes you feel?
20030520	Catbert: We can't afford to hire qualified employees. My plan is to hire dumb people and be angry at them. I forget - what's the word for pretending that people can change their basic nature? Pointy haired boss: Motivation? 
20030521	Wally: Long term, I hope to convince our boss that I have the power to become invisible. Then I can just sit home and get paid. Oh, it will be sweet. Pointy Haired Boss: Wally? Is that you? Wally: Right in front of you.
20030527	Catbert: Let's offer employees unpaid vacation time, as long as their managers approve it. Then we'll downsize any work group that uses it, because it proves they're overstaffed. Excuse me while I hug myself and purr. Pointy haired boss: Take your time.
20030603	Dogbert: I plan to open a gambling casino for people who have extraordinarily bad luck. Dilbert: how can you tell who has extraordinarily bad luck? Dogbert: They would be the ones that go to my casino.
20030608	Career counseling man: I love to hear myself talk. man: But I don't like it when people roll their eyes and go "phhht." man: I'd like a job where people are forced to nod and smile while I babble. man: And I'd like to punish people for my own mistakes. Dogbert: I recommend a career in management. Dogbert: Just to be sure, I'm going to give you a management aptitude test. man: Hey, I have an idea. Maybe i should pursue a career in management! Dogbert: Congratulations! You just passed the management aptitude test. man: Yes!
20030613	Alice: Would it be wrong to marry a man for his homemaking skills? World's Smartest Garbage Man: Do a present-value cash-flow comparison of marriage versus the equivalent service from trained monkeys. Alice: It's not you... it's me... and a world-wide oversupply of monkeys.
20030615	Pointy Haired Boss: It's not just my desk; it's the chair, too! Dilbert, come here! Everything in my office feels clammy. I first noticed when I touched my phone... then my mouse. All clammy. What could it mean? Dilbert: It could mean your hands are clammy. Pointy Haired Boss: You must never speak of this. Wally: Have you ever noticed that everything you sit on feels like underpants?
20030616	Pointy haired boss: I need you to go on an international sales call. Dilbert: How should I dress? Pointy haired boss: Salespeople should dress one level above the customer. Dilbert: What's better -- the cherub or the lightning bolt? Dogbert: Take both. You can't overdress at the Vatican.
20030617	Dilbert: It's because I'm making a sales call to the Vatican. I'm told that people should dress one level above their customers. Passenger: Aren't you worried? Dilbert: About what?
20030618	Captain: Folks, please stay in your seats. We've been grabbed by a huge hand. Dilbert: I hope this has nothing to do with how I dressed for my sales meeting at the Vatican. Commentator: But it turned out to be a guy with a huge hand who said he "thought it would be funny". Ratbert: Hee hee! Huge hand.
20030619	Doctor: Switch to decaf for a while. Carol: (I'll replace all of the office coffee with decaf for my convenience.) Wally: (Must... find... antidote.)
20030620	Pointy haired boss: How can we eliminate $200,000 of worthless fat? Wow! Every hand went up. I like it when everyone participates! Pointy haired boss: So it turns out that it's better when no one participates. 
20030621	Pointy haired boss: The "Employee of the Year" award goes to... no one. Thanks for coming. Better luck next year. Dilbert: It's not as bad as the time that you won it. Wally: Jealousy is unattractive.
20030622	Seven stages of a performance review. Pointy haired boss: It's time. Denial. Alice: What the...? These aren't even my objectives! Anger. Alice: Who said these things about me?! Bargaining. Alice: What if I make someone write a glowing e-mail about me? Depression. Alice: Morale slipping away... hair... so... limp. Acceptance. Alice: Whatever. There's no budget for raises anyway. Trash-talking. Alice: ...wool-covered pile of ignorant monkey spit. Lunch. Alice: (A falafel would hit the spot.)
20030623	Pointy haired boss: The company will be taking a one-time charge to write down the value of our merger. The number is so large that it has no name. Our marketing department is on it. Marketing guy: Let's see a show of hands for "Frooglepoopillion."
20030624	Pointy haired boss: We need to announce record losses in a way that doesn't make management look like... Dogbert: Inebriated simian miscreants? Pointy haired boss: Right. Graphics department. Dogbert: (to Ratbert, holding a picture of a monkey) They want to go in a whole other direction.
20030625	Dogbert: A good manager needs to smell like a manager. Your breath should be a fiery concoction that says "Agree with me or die." Try "Dogbert's management breath enhancer," made from ground-up cigarettes, farm shovels and coffee.
20030626	Accounting trolls. Pointy haired boss: What would happen to our profits if we wrote off these bone-headed mistakes? Accounting troll: (POW! head blows off) Pointy haired boss: And how about the worst-case scenario? 
20030627	Dilbert: Here's the press release about our record loss. "The CEO stepped down after earning $100 million more than the company itself during his tenure. In a message to the shareholders, he said, 'Ha ha! Maybe  you should have bought stock in ME!! Who's your daddy?!!'"
20030628	Dilbert: My company lost a Frooglepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work. Dogbert: Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself. Dilbert: Because honesty is the best policy? Dogbert: Because no one pays attention to what you say.
20030629	Alice: You're coming to work at nine-thirty? By the time you get your coffee and get your bagel, it'll be ten o'clock! I started at six! I've already worked for four hours, and I'll probably stay late! Over the course of a lifetime, I'll work twice as much as you!! But... we'll be paid the same... and we'll both die anyway. So... I guess what you're saying is that you're smarter than I am. I CURSE THE CASUAL BRILLIANCE OF YOUR LIFE STRATEGY!!! Wally: (My bagel will be extra tasty today.)
20030701	Dogbert: If you want to be a great leader, read the books that have inspired leaders for centuries. For example, the first pyramids were built after a twelve-year-old pharaoh read this book. Pointy haired boss: "Things that look naughty from miles away." 
20030702	Dilbert: Don't touch the prototype or you'll get a shock. Pointy haired boss: (Must touch.) ZAP!! Dilbert: Don't touch it a second time. Pointy haired boss: (Must... touch... second... time.)
20030703	Pointy haired boss: Our strategy is to grow revenue from new products. Dilbert: How obvious does an idea need to be before we'll stop calling it a strategy. Pointy haired boss: And we plan to eliminate waste. Dilbert: We'll miss you.
20030704	Cell phone: Beep-beep-a-beep Beep-a-beep. Alice: (Every two minutes.) Ted: Have you seen my cell phone? Alice: Was it metallic, noisy and flushable?
20030705	Meanwhile in heck... Phil: You're on a winning streak, snowball. But let's see what happens to your chances when I turn up the heat. Phil: (on phone) That's right - the furnace is broken again!! Snowman: Four queens.
20030706	Dilbert: Thanks for testing my new invention. Customer: If this thing works, it will forever change the way that mothers use the telephone. Dilbert: We've been on the hone for half a minute. The noise should start at any moment. Customer: Here it comes. Child: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE PHONE?! CAN I EAT TEN COOKIES? I THINK MY ARM IS BROKEN! WHERE'S MY TOY?!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!! Dilbert: Now press the toddler noise cancellation button. Customer: It stopped the noise. But you need to do something about the visual.
20030707	Pointy haired boss: Carol, print out our company website and put it in a binder for easier reference. Carol: Okay. And I'll also translate it into Klingon to make it even easier to read. And I'll alert the dictionary makers that "easier" means stupider. Pointy haired boss: Keep them out of this. 
20030708	A bad day. Dilbert: Maybe it's time to look for a new job online. A worse day. Dilbert: (on phone) Hey, that's MY job they're trying to fill. A much worse day. Dilbert: And I'm unqualified.
20030709	Pointy haired boss: If you see anyone violating the new corporate code of ethics, report it immediately. Dilbert: I'd like to report our senior management for telling us to ship products that we know are defective. Pointy haired boss: Yes. I will take care of that. Dilbert: Oooh! Oooh! LYING!!! I REPORT YOU!!!
20030711	A few years ago Catbert: The company will no longer provide free soft drinks.  This Year Catbert: No more free coffee, and no more free bottled water.  In The Future Catbert: Don't swallow your saliva.
20030712	Dilbert: Our e-mail spam blocker is stopping all incoming and outgoing messages. Apparently the software decided that everything we do is a bunch of worthless #$!&*. I fear that it's becoming a sentient being. Our only hope is for you to demoralize it to death. Pointy haired boss: Tell it to get on my calendar. 
20030713	Pointy haired boss: Dilbert, write up our technology strategy. Dilbert: Okay. What's our strategy? Pointy haired boss: How should I know? It's not written yet. Duh! Dilbert: How can I write about something that doesn't exist? Duh! Pointy haired boss: It WILL exist as soon as you write it. DUH! Pointy haired boss: Duh! Dilbert: Duh! Pointy haired boss: Duh! Dilbert: Duh! Pointy haired boss: Duh! Dilbert: Duh! Pointy haired boss: Duh! Dilbert: Duh! Pointy haired boss: Just do it. (Double duh.) Dilbert: Whatever. (Duh to infinity.) Dilbert: (If my company stock had any value, I'd be selling it now.)
20030714	The cluttermeleon lines his nest with printed debris. A predator comes out of his lair. The quick-thinking cluttermeleon uses his power of disguise.
20030715	Dilbert: Tina, Would you...? Tina: Hold on while I finish writing this e-mail. Tina: It's a twelve-page description of my carpal tunnel issue, and the fact that there's never enough time to do my work. Dilbert: Are all of your problems self-inflicted? Tina: That's it! I'm adding a chapter about you. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
20030716	Dilbert: Hi, this is Dilbert. Reporter: Hi, I'm a business reporter for the Wall Times Post Gazette. I'm doing a story about how dumb... I mean dynamic... your new product is. Dilbert: Then he promised not to print the amusing nickname I have for our CEO. Dogbert: You are so dynamic.
20030717	Pointy haired boss: Look what one of our engineers said to a reporter! Catbert: "Our technology is putrid, but we compensate by ignoring complaints." Pointy haired boss: You know what would be more fun than fixing those problems? Catbert: WITCH-HUNT!!!
20030718	Corporate witch hunt. Pointy haired boss: Alice, did you tell a reporter that our products stink? Alice: I promise on the honor of my family, and on all that is holy, that I did NOT. Pointy haired boss: So I guess you're calling my divining rod a liar. 
20030719	Corporate witch-hunt. Pointy haired boss: I've narrowed the list to seventeen suspects who might have talked to the reporter. Now we'll check their e-mail archives, phone records and linguistic patterns until we identify the offender. Catbert: And then we can punish all of them just for being on the list. Pointy haired boss: I like the way you stink. 
20030720	Dilbert: As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource. I limited my list to things we don't do well. Management, sales, marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources and customer support. That leaves us with our core competence... sitting around a brown table. And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution. Pointy haired boss: You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive. Dilbert: Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the brown table strategy.
20030721	Pointy haired boss: I've noticed that dead people know a lot. They're always yapping to psychics on television. We could kill the entire software testing staff and replace them with one medium. Do you see any problem with that? Catbert: If the dead people lie, how would we punish them?
20030722	Carol: You're the only one who hasn't finished the mandatory six sigma training. Dilbert: I finished it, but the system crashed before it stored my data. This is when you say, "There's no need to retake the training. I'll just check off your name." Carol: Are you new on this planet?
20030723	Dilbert:I need to find a way to bend this steel rod into a 'U'. Wally: I'll take care of it. Wally: I won the prestigious 'STEEL SPIKE AWARD' for engineering excellence. Alice: What??!! Wally: I guess it's validation for being the highest paid in the department..and for being male
20030724	Tina: I went to a movie with an unemployed guy. I call that an unfunded man date. Tina: (The unemployed guy didn't laugh either. Maybe it's my delivery.)
20030725	Pointy haired boss: I made a few suggestions Dilbert: I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document. Pointy haired boss: Stop acting happy. Dilbert:Can I whistle and dance while I work?
20030726	Dogbert: For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arther C. Quark, and George Meson. It comes with an unsigned certificate! Dilbert: I like 'em clean.
20030727	Pointy haired boss: I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function. Dilbert: Absorb his function? Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary? Pointy haired boss:No, I'm telling you to absorb his function..in an absorptive fashion..using osmosis,symbiosis, and synergy. Dilbert: can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things? Pointy haired boss:I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a...a.. Dilbert: tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes? Pointy haired boss: key learning.  
20030728	Marketing: Our new ad campaign will use familiar music from artists who are willing to sell out. Due to budget cuts, we'll limit our search to musicians who are dead but not yet totally decomposed. Crew: MAKEUP!!!
20030729	Vendor: As you requested, this price quote includes absolutely every expense you'll incur! Alice: If that's true, you won't mind signing the "Alice side agreement". Vendor: "In the event of hidden costs, customer will repeatedly punch vendor while yelling 'You freaking weasel!'" Alice: Pen?
20030730	Pointy haired boss: You laugh at everything, whether it's funny or not. Candidate: Ha ha ha!! It's true. Pointy haired boss: You're hired. You'll have bug impact on morale! Candidate: Ha ha ha!! Yes, I will! Alice: (Must stay alive.) Candidate: Ha ha ha!! Computers are funny! Ha ha!!
20030731	Dogbert: I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. I say we should flat-tax the Kyoto treaty all the way back to the security council. Dilbert: Wouldn't that be unfair to stem cells? Dogbert: Bah!
20030801	Pointy haired boss: This is my nemesis, Pointy-haired Carl. He manages our software division. Write up some reasons why he should report to me. I'll secretly give it to our Vice President. Start by saying there's no real difference between hardware and software. Dilbert: I'm unclean!
20030802	Pointy haired boss: Our goal is nothing less than a complete takeover of Pointy-haired Carl's software division. We'll start secretly doing their jobs in addition to our own. Then I'll argue that they should report to me. Wally: Hypothetically, if the secret got out, would we stop working twice as hard for no extra money?
20030803	Dilbert: I have some disturbing news. We outsourced our customer-service function to India a few years ago. Pointy haired boss: So? Dilbert: Apparently, they subcontracted the job to Mexico. Then Mexico subcontracted to Vietnam, who subcontracted to The Phillipines... who subcontracted it to us. It turns out that we're the lowest cost provider, because we lie about our hold times. In summary, we pay ourselves to hose ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Pointy haired boss: We should raise our prices? 
20030804	Pointy haired boss: Tina, we need some customer success stories for the web site. The closest things we have are these complaint letters. Just change a few words. Tina: Change "kick" to "kiss" and this one is done. Albeit disturbingly.
20030805	Carol: I'm trying to make him lose his language skills. I've been using words in the wrong context and waiting for him to adopt them. Pointy haired boss: Carol, could you truculent this doctrinaire to the obelisk? Carol: Cervically.
20030806	Tina: I need a description of your project and its projected cost. Dilbert: That's impossible. The project uncertainty principle says that if you understand a project, you won't know its cost, and vice versa. Tina: You just made that up. Dilbert: That doesn't make it wrong.
20030807	Pointy haired boss: Tell me why you need a new server. And don't give me the condescending simple version for managers. I want a full technical explanation. Dilbert: Early civilizations had no concept of zero. Pointy haired boss: Go on. 
20030808	Dilbert: The weather is getting worse. Maybe we should close the office. Pointy haired boss: No. Dilbert: The forecast is for blizzards, freezing raid, tsunamis, deadly lava flows, and precision-guided ball lightning. And radiation-enlarged swarms of killer bees. Pointy haired boss: Get some snow tires, you big baby. 
20030809	Ted: That concludes my two-hour presentation. Any questions? Dilbert: Did you intend the presentation to be incomprehensible, or do you have some sort of rare "Powerpoint" disability? Ted: Are there any questions about the content? Dilbert: There was content?
20030810	Manager: Wally, why have you been charging all of your hours to my project? I invited you to one meeting. It lasted one hour. Wally: Do you think I would go to a meeting without extensive preparation? Manager: Okay... that's another hour. Wally: How many more do you need explained? Manager: Fifty-eight. Wally: After the meeting, I sat quietly and evaluated what everyone said. That took fifty-seven hours. Manager: Ha! You're still an hour short. Explain THAT! Wally: Do you mind if I sit quietly and think about that question for a while?
20030811	Pointy haired boss: Now I'd like to recognize Walter for his five years of work for this company. Walter: Thanks, but I've been here for thirty years... oh, I get it now. I feel a sick day coming on.
20030813	Pointy Haired Boss: Our legal department advises us to destroy any documents that show we know our products are hugely defective. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHEW CHEW GULP Alice: Do you have room in there for the user specifications?
20030815	Dilbert: We can either wait three months for the software committee to approve our plan...  Dilbert: Or we can soar like eagles, and act without approval, saving millions of dollars!  Pointy haired boss: Since When do eagles use software?  Dilbert (Private Thoughts): Please don't be sidetracked by the analogy.
20030816	The man who couldn't give direct answers  Alice: did you ask your boss for approval?  Unknown character: Now I will explain the process for getting approval.  Alice: Do you want to do this the hard way?  Unknown character: First, you ask for a meeting. 
20030821	Asok: Someone named Tiffany sent me e-mail. YAGGA WAGGA! Alice: Someone turned off the spam filter.
20030901	Pointy haired boss: Alice, I know that times are tough. But you need to show more optimism. Try to find the one good thing about any bad situation. Pointy haired boss: Our entire sales force has been eaten by wild pigs. Alice: Pigs are cute!
20030902	Dilbert: The technical solution is simple and inexpensive. But it would cost a fortune to get internal approvals because vast herds of management dolts would get involved. So I should just do it, right? Pointy haired boss: Did you call me a vast herd?
20030903	Dilbert: Where do you want to eat? Alice: Anyplace. Suddenly, Mike the vegan pounced. Mike: Do you mind if I join you? Soon, hunger started to set in. Mike: No, I can't eat at any of those fifty choices. What else do you have?
20030904	Mike the vegan. Milke: I use no animal products whatsoever. Dilbert: Your clothes were created on sewing machines that used electricity from coal and oil, and those come from dead dinosaurs. Mike: (nude) (I need to start making exceptions.)
20030905	Asok: Wally, how do I handle the psychological pressure of a stalled career? Wally: Remember that when you reach for the stars, they're too far away, so it's hopeless. Asok: But sometimes you can reach a star... can't you? Wally: That would burn your hand clean off.
20030906	Pointy Haired Boss: Dilbert, take care of this. It's our top priority. Dilbert: Sure. I'll just let my other top priorities slip until my career is a smoldering mound of rubble. So what is it? Pointy Haired Boss: I don't know... I just didn't like it on my desk.
20030911	Wally: In only one week my project team has created a time line and identified the resources we need. Wally: Next week, we plan to revise the time line and re-examine our resource needs. Pointy Haired Boss: Good work. Wally: There must be a thousand ways to say I haven't done anything. Pointy Haired Boss: Wait . . .
20030912	Dogbert: You need to slither away from your doomed project before you get blamed. Dogbert: My assistant will teach you how to shed your project manager skin Dogbert's assistant (a snake in a suit): Yello! Wally's skeleton coming out of his skin: Ow! Ow! Ow! How's this so far? Dogbert's assistant (a snake in a suit): Impressive, but we were only speaking metaphorically.
20030913	Wally: I've put my heart and soul into the high-speed-data-by-sewer project. Wally: But I believe in developing our talent pool. So I recommend putting Asok in charge of the project. I will be his mentor. Asok: Wow! What should I do first? Wally: I wouldn't rule out panicking. 
20030914	Alice: Asok, I designate you the keeper of the giant binder. Alice: It contains our secret technology plans. Alice: It can never leave this office. Asok: It won't fit in any drawer. Asok: And the "Clean Desk Policy" forbids me from leaving it on my desktop. Asok: Gaaa!!  I can't take it home, and I can't leave it here! Asok: I must use it as a tiny bed and spend the rest of my days guarding it. Dilbert: What did you do with the giant binder prop that you got at the trade show?
20030915	Asok: Since I became project manager, no one has returned my calls or responded to my emails. Asok: Luckily, I'm an I.I.T. graduate, mentally superior to most people on earth, so I finished the project myself. Wally: Are you tired? Asok: I am trained to only sleep during national holidays.
20030916	Asok: At the India Institute of Technology, I learned to use my huge brain. Asok: But I try not to frighten ordinary people with any gratuitous displays of mental superiority. Asok: For example, I no longer reheat my tea by holding it to my forehead and imagining fire.
20030917	Dogbert (in a TV Infomercial): Would you like to make a hundred million dollars for just showing up at work? Pointy Haired Boss: Yes! Dogbert (in a TV Infomercial): My audio lessons teach you how to become an under-performing CEO. Dogbert (On tape): Step One: Become a CEO.  Step Two: Be the sort of person who would buy these audio lessons.
20030918	Dilbert: Did you order the plastic casings I need? Bald, Mustached Co-Worker: They take two weeks for delivery. Dilbert: I see that you've cleverly avoided my actual question in favor of an imaginary one involving delivery times. Dilbert: Now I'm fantasizing about ripping off your mustache and using it to shine your head. Bald, Mustached Co-Worker: I hear that a lot.
20030919	Dilbert: I recommend that we look at the big picture and view it from 20,000 feet. Pointy Haired Boss: Drifting . . . Floating above the Earth . . . Wait . . . A plane is coming right at me!  No-o-o-o!!! Dilbert: Maybe you should imagine you're in the plane. Pointy Haired Boss: Gaaaa!!  I'm in coach!
20030920	Dogbert: Bob, remember that money can't buy happiness. Dogbert: But it can buy expensive possessions that make other people envious, and that feels just as good. Dogbert: And you can pay to have people whacked. Bob: Can I trade my happiness for some money?
20030921	Alice: I don't have time to work on the Nanobit project. Pointy Haired Boss: No problem.  Tell Dilbert I said he should take over. Two Minutes Later Dilbert: I'm way, way too busy. Pointy Haired Boss: Fine.  Tell Wally to do it. Two Minutes Later Wally: I'm up to your face in alligators! Pointy Haired Boss: Okay, Okay . . . Hand it off to Asok. Two Minutes Later Asok: But already I only have time to eat one cracker a day. Pointy Haired Boss: Tell Ted I said . . . Ted: Sure, I'll do it.  No problem. Asok: Mmm . . . Cracker time. Ted: I'm quitting tomorrow. Pointy Haired Boss: I solved four problems today!
20030928	Pointy haired boss: I have the results of the employee morale survey.  The number one issue is "Not enough open an honest communication from management."  Well, okay, I'm willing to give that a try.  Management is lo