Calvin and Hobbes: 1995

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ch950101: I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
A herd of chasmosaurs is jittery. They face an even greater danger. Tyrannosaurs in F-14s. Playing with his toys, Calvin thinks this is so cool. Hobbes thinks it's so stupid.

ch950102: How are you doing on your New Year's resolutions? I didn't make any. See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's "good". That implies certain values. But as we all know, values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isn't "better" than vice. It's just different. I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance. I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he's doing on his New Year's resolutions. Calvin didn't make any. He says to improve oneself, one must have an idea of what "good" is. Calvin explains values are relative. Virtue isn't "better" than vice, just different. Hobbes isn't sure he can tolerate that much tolerance. Calvin refuses to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.

ch950103: No! No! No! I need more sleep! I c-can't keep m-my eyes open! Bed?! Already?? But I'm wide awake!! My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
Mom tries pulling Calvin out of bed while he yells that he needs more sleep. In school, Calvin can't keep his eyes open. As Mom takes him upstairs to bed, Calvin yells that he's wide awake. In bed, Calvin says his internal clock is on Tokyo time.

ch950104: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is... You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! When you're great, people often mistake candor fo bragging.
Standing at the bus stop, Calvin tells Susie he's one of the greatest people who ever lived. He goes on to say he's great in so many ways. Susie yells that he's not great. She says he's the most conceited blowhard she's ever met. Calvin says when you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.

ch950105: Here, I'll hang up your coat. Thanks. If you've been looking for Hobbes, he somehow got put in the closet. I just found him way back in there. Waiting for me in the CLOSET, eh? Too bad your little plan was THWARTED!! Why don't you hang up your coat yourself?!
Mom takes Calvin's coat to hang it. She returns and tells him that Hobbes got put in the closet. Mom found him in there. Calvin scolds Hobbes for waiting in the closet for him. He says it's too bad Hobbes' plan was thwarted. Grumpily, Hobbes tells Calvin he should hang is coat up himself.

ch950106: Oh yeah? Define, "well-adjusted".
A big snow chicken has an axe it has stuck into a stump. Next to the stump, a snowman lies with its head on the ground to one side. Mom is standing next to Calvin. Calvin asks Mom to define "well-adjusted".

ch950107: Why does man create? Is it man's purpose on Earth to express himself, to bring form to thought, and to discover meaning in experience? Or is it just something to do when he's bored?
Standing next to a snowman, Calvin asks why man creates. He asks if it's to express himself, to bring form to thought and discover meaning in experience. He ponders. Then Calvin asks if it's just something to do when he's bored.

ch950108: It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Calvin is bored making a snowman. Hobbes says they've only been outside a few minutes. Calvin says it's taking too long. Hobbes says they have all day. Calvin says the sun's too bright and his gloves are getting wet. He says making a snowman is hard work. He asks Hobbes what happens if the snowman isn't very good. They'd be failures. He says even if it's good, it will melt in a few weeks. Instead of wasting his time, he's going inside to watch TV. He'll be in complete physical comfort while experiencing the activity of actors pretending to do things. Hobbes asks if it's too much trouble to turn on the TV. Calvin replies that's why they have a remote control. Hobbes says virtual reality is already here. Calvin can't believe the only way to get inside is to walk.

ch950109: 1. Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words. Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
Calvin looks at his test asking him to explain Newton's First Law of Motion in his own words. He brightens up and replies with made-up words like "foob", "mog", "zink", and "spuzz". He sits back saying he loves loopholes.

ch950110: I'm ready for anything! Are you ready for unconditional surrender? That above all else.
In his snow fort, Calvin says he's ready for anything. A barrage of snowballs blasts him. Hobbes asks if he's ready for unconditional surrender. Lying under a pile of snowballs, Calvin replies "that above all else".

ch950111: BRBBBBRBBBB. Their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.
Calvin peeks around a corner. Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin blows on Hobbes' belly, making a loud noise. Hobbes is startled. Calvin, all scratched up, walks away saying their tummies shouldn't be so soft and fuzzy if you're not allowed to do that.

ch950112: ... and so, with nothing left to life for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.
Calvin is leaning out the attic window with a little snowman. He is looking at the ground below, where dozens of snowmen stand. Calvin says that with nothing to live for, the snowman obeys the chanted command from the crowd below.

ch950113: Next, on Eyewitness action news: blood-spattered sidewalks and shroud-covered bodies! Could the next victim be YOU?? We'll get the story from the sobbing, hysterical relatives and we'll tell you why YOU should be paralyzed with helpless fear! That's Eyewitness action news! It's what YOU need to KNOW!
Dad is watching television. The announcer talks about blood-spattered sidewalks and asks if you could be the next victim. The television announcer continues by saying they'll get the story from sobbing relatives and tell why you should be paralyzed with helpless fear. That's Eyewitness News. It's what you need to know. Dad turns off the television and reads the newspaper instead.

ch950114: When I grow up, I'm going to be a scientist. I'll dedicate my career to the proposition that man can reshape the Universe according to his own whims. I'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. You want to play God? Not exactly. God never bothered to patent his stuff.
Sledding down the hill, Calvin tells Hobbes he will grow up to be a scientist. He will dedicate his career to the proposition that man can reshape the universe. He says he'll probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. As they crash into a tree and fly through the air, Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play God. Calvin replies "not exactly". He says God never bothered to patent his stuff.

ch950115: McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
Calvin is freezing in bed. Hobbes tells him he should have a fur coat like his. Calvin puts his feet on Hobbes to warm up. Hobbes jumps. Calvin tells him to quit letting cold air in. Hobbes tells Calvin to keep his cold feet on his side of the bed. Calvin protests that Hobbes' behind was on his side. Hobbes indicates the demilitarized zone between their sides. Calvin claims the whole bed and says animals should sleep on the floor. Hobbes takes the blanket and leaves. The sounds of their fighting is heard by Mom. Calvin is looking for Hobbes when a ghostly apparition rises before him. Calvin yells in terror. Hobbes has the bed to himself. Dad is awakened by icy cold feet. Calvin is in bed with him and Mom. Mom tells Dad that Calvin had a nightmare. Calvin says that if it's too crowded, they are welcome to sleep downstairs.

ch950116: Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging. Of course, they never let you do that. Is today one of those days? IT SURE IS!!
Waiting for the bus, Calvin tells Hobbes you get up some days and know some things aren't going to go well. Calvin says those are the days you should put your pajamas back on, make hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed until the world looks more encouraging. Grumpily, Calvin says they never let you do that. Hobbes asks if today is one of those days. Calvin yells that it sure is.

ch950117: On gray days, when it's snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you'll just read a good book all day, and he'd allow you to stay home. So you'd only go to school on sunny days? Well no, on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. He's quite a guy. He'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.
Still waiting for the bus, Calvin says on gray days, you should be able to call a judge and take an oath that you'll read a good book, and he'd allow you to stay home. Hobbes asks if he'd only go to school on sunny days. Calvin says on those days, the judge would let you play outside. Hobbes comments that the judge is quite a guy. Calvin says he'd make you go to school if it was hot, hazy, and humid with a lot of bugs.

ch950118: Pssst! What's 7+6? Three hundred billion gazillion. Oh, thanks for the big help! That's a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Ah! I knew that.
Calvin asks Susie what 7 + 6 is. Susie tells him three hundred billion gazillion. Sarcastically, Calvin thanks her for the big help. Susie tells him that is a three, followed by 85 zeroes. Calvin writes it down, saying he knew that.

ch950119: I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog! It would seem you were born for the job. Imagine getting PAID to act like a six-year-old!
Calvin says he's thinking of starting his own talk radio show. He'd spout simplistic opinions for hours, ridicule anyone who disagrees, and foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog. Hobbes says it seems Calvin was born for the job. Calvin asks Hobbes to imagine being paid to act like a six-year-old.

ch950120: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy HA HA HA HA HA HA. Obviously I've tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
Calvin makes a snowball and starts chuckling. He continues to laugh as he finishes the snowball. He stops. He looks at the snowball and says that obviously he's tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.

ch950121: Snow sharks? That guy's a goner.
Calvin builds a snowman, looking like he's swimming. Behind the snowman, he builds small curved mounds. Hobbes asks if they're snow sharks. Calvin says the guy is a goner.

ch950122: What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Calvin, the astronaut, hops out of the space lander. He hops in the lunar rover and drives around the surface of the moon. From space, you can read "Calvin is great" in tire tracks on the surface of the moon. Calvin looks at the moon with binoculars. He tells Dad he wishes he could go to the moon. Dad says he wishes Calvin could, too.

ch950123: Look at my new invention, Dad! I unraveled a hanger and poked it out the back of my pants to make a tailhook! Now, with a rope stretched across the doorway, I can blast into a room at top speed, and the hook will grab the rope and stop me before I crash out the window on the opposite wall! Well? Don't just sit there, man! Get out some patent applications! I wonder how many fortunes he's let slip through his fingers.
Calvin shows Dad his new invention, a hanger poked out the back of his pants to make a tailhook. He says with a rope stretched across the doorway, he can blast into a room, and the hook will grab the rope and prevent him from crashing out the window. He tells Dad to get some patent applications. Calvin walks away wondering how many fortunes Dad has let slip through his fingers.

ch950124: As an artist, I'll speak to future generations long after I'm gone! Smart thinking. I call this, "Nude descending a staircase."
Calvin tells Hobbes that as an artist, he'll speak to future generations after he's gone. Calvin shows his latest snow sculpture. It's a snowman with a rear end crack at the top of an icy set of stairs. Calvin calls it "nude descending a staircase".

ch950125: Everything is so darn hard! I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button to have anything I want. The American dream lives on. Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
Calvin is reading and complains everything is too hard. He wishes he could take a pill to be perfect. He wishes he could push a button to have whatever he wanted. Hobbes says the American dream lives on. Calvin asks why he should have to work for everything. It's like saying he doesn't deserve it.

ch950126: Look, it's almost 11 o'clock! Wow, the last two hours really flew by! I hope the teacher didn't say anything important.
At school, Calvin looks at the clock and sees it's almost 11:00. He says the last two hours really flew by. He hopes the teacher didn't say anything important.

ch950127: Outta my way, Twinky. ...and suddenly, the Earth opened up! Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled head over heels down the smoking chasm until he splashed into the molten magma at the planet's core, where he slowly melted before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease!
Moe pushes Calvin to the ground. After Moe leaves, Calvin says the earth opened up. Wailing helplessly, Moe tumbled down the smoking chasm until splashing into the planet's molten magma core, slowly melting before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off.

ch950128: How in the world did you get in to the bathroom and back out so fast?
Calvin, the dog, happily walks along. He comes up behind Dad, who's shoveling the sidewalk. Dad asks how he got in to the bathroom and back out so fast.

ch950129: Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is making a snow sculpture called "the spirit of compromise". He'll have his snowman shake hands with Hobbes'. Calvin says it will be very inspirational. He says they'll soon be rolling in public commissions. Hobbes tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. The snowman's arm won't reach Hobbes'. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't make his snowman's arm longer. Hobbes says it will make it look like his snowman had to reach farther. They'd be unequal. Calvin tells him to make his snowman closer. Hobbes won't start over and tells Calvin to make his snowman's arm longer. Calvin refuses. Hobbes says his snowman refuses to shake hands with Calvin's. Calvin's won't even talk to Hobbes'. Hobbes thumbs his ears and says his snowman will kick Calvin's snowman in its big white butt. Calvin threatens Hobbes' snowman. They fight. Both snowmen are destroyed. Lying in the snow, Hobbes says he doesn't think the sculpture is very good. Calvin says it's a compromise.

ch950130: In two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HE'D thought of putting snow in his thermos.
Calvin opens his lunch. He pours out the contents of his Thermos bottle and starts making snowballs. He readies his throw and says in two seconds, every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish he'd thought of putting snow in his Thermos.

ch950131: Ahem. WAA! I HATE, I JUST HATE RETRACTABLE CLAWS!! So are you through reading this?
Calvin is reading a comic book. Hobbes sneaks up behind Calvin and says "ahem". Calvin is startled and jumps up. He says he just hates retractable claws.

ch950201: CALVIN!
Calvin looks at a fire hydrant. He starts making a snowman. Mom yells when she sees he made a snow dog with a leg lifted, standing next to the fire hydrant.

ch950202: If a groundhog sees his shadow today, we'll have six more weeks of winter. So yell if you see one.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if a groundhog sees his shadow today, they'll have six more weeks of winter. He tells Hobbes to yell if he sees one. Calvin is armed with a lamp, connected to several extension cords.

ch950203: Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying here, 'twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked!
Hobbes is lying on the ground. Calvin says a poem about a tiger sprawling in the sun, his day done. It was warmth he sought, the sun making his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked, his brain is now completely cooked. Calvin laughs and walks off. Hobbes crouches, ready to pounce.

ch950204: Dad says there's nothing cozier than a fire, but I dunno...
Dad is trying to light the fireplace. He gets angrier as he puts paper to help start the fire. Suddenly, there is a cloud around Dad, who is furious. Calvin runs off carrying a fire extinguisher. He indicates Dad says there is nothing cozier than a fire, but he doesn't know.

ch950205: Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Calvin sees a door he doesn't remember. Something looking like Mom opens the door and gives Calvin some breakfast. He retreats, saying it's not his Mom. It says it is and says to eat his oatmeal. Calvin says this isn't his house, and she's not his Mom. He looks out the window to see a cage. He's in a lab, with giant aliens. One has a puppet of Mom on his hand. Calvin says they're trying to get him to imprint on his own species before they return him to the wild. The aliens complain about a loss of their funding since Calvin is on to them. Calvin wakes up. At breakfast, Mom gives him some oatmeal. He demands she prove she's his Mom.

ch950206: One of my baby teeth came out. I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
One of Calvin's baby teeth comes out. He looks at it and says he's not entirely comfortable holding a piece of his own head.

ch950207: Mom says the tooth fairy might give me 50 cents for this tooth. Wow! So I got an idea. poured plaster over this tooth to make a mold, and now I'm casting duplicate teeth. I'll put one under the pillow every night, and by the end of the year, I'll have over 150 dollars! Do you think the tooth fairy will believe your mouth had 300 teeth in it? If she'd rather have an old tooth than 50 cents, how bright can she be?
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him the tooth fairy might give him fifty cents for his baby tooth. Calvin got an idea to pour plaster over the tooth to make a mold. Now he's casting duplicate teeth. He'll put one under the pillow every night. By the end of the year, he'll have over $150. Hobbes asks if he thinks the tooth fairy will think he had 300 teeth in his mouth. Calvin asks how bright she can be if she'd rather have an old tooth than fifty cents.

ch950208: Look at this hilarious cartoon I drew! See, this snowman is in a snow car and he says, "Darn it, the engine froze up!" Ha ha ha ha! Get it?? But if the car is made of snow, the engine would MELT if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run.
Calvin shows Hobbes a cartoon he drew. Calvin explains that it shows a snowman in a car saying "Darn it, the engine froze up". Calvin laughs. Hobbes says if the car is made of snow, the engine would melt if it wasn't frozen. Either way, it wouldn't run. Calvin crumples up the paper and frowns.

ch950209: As I have created you, so I can destroy you! Therefore, in recognition of my supreme power, you must worship me! Yes, bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble, for I am the eternal, all knowing... PAFF
Calvin makes a snowman bowing down to him. Calvin tells him that as he created the snowman, he can destroy it. He says in recognition of his power, the snowman must worship him. He tells the snowman to bow before mighty Calvin. He is the eternal, all knowing.... Susie smacks him from behind with a snowball.

ch950210: PIFF. I didn't do it! I never threw that! You can't prove I threw it! Besides, I MISSED, didn't I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent.
Susie is just missed by a snowball. Calvin says he didn't do it. She can't prove he did it. Then he says that besides, he missed. Lying in the snow, Calvin says the defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds his lawyer is incompetent.

ch950211: Hello? Is your mother there? Who's calling?? Is this about ME?! 'cause if it is, I didn't DO it! You got NOTHING on me, understand?! You can't prove ANYthing! I tell you I'm innocent! Just give up! You'll never get me! Oh, here Mom, it's for you. Hi, can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. It's cool.
Calvin answers the phone. Someone asks if his Mom is home. Calvin asks who's calling. He says if this call is about him, he didn't do it. They have nothing on him. They can't prove anything. He says they'll never get him. He hands the phone to Mom. She asks if she can call the person back. Calvin is standing near her saying it's okay to talk. He cleared it. It's cool.

ch950212: Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Calvin makes a snowball and runs off. He hides behind a tree, waiting. He keeps waiting, and waiting. Finally, he throws the snowball at the tree and walks off. SMACK! Susie hits him with a snowball and laughs at him. Calvin angrily shakes his fist to the sky.

ch950213: Mmm... somebody's having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isn't it strange how smells are so evocative, but we can't describe them. Oh, I dunno. That fire has a snorky, brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. It's a little brunky, but low humidity affects that.
Standing outside with Hobbes, Calvin detects the aroma of someone having a fire. He loves the smell of a fire on a winter day. He says it's strange how smells are so evocative, but they can't describe them. Hobbes says the fire has a snorky, brambish smell. Calvin should have known animals would have words for smells. Hobbes says it's a little brunky, but the low humidity affects that.

ch950214: You're telling me that animals have their own words for specific smells? Well sure. OK, what's the word for how wet leaves smell? "Snippid." What's the word for how I smell? "Terrible." Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Calvin asks Hobbes if animals have their own words for specific smells. Hobbes says sure. Calvin asks what the word is for how wet leaves smell. Hobbes replies "snippid". Calvin asks what the word is for how he smells. Hobbes says "terrible". Hobbes laughs and runs off.

ch950215: Graphic violence in the media. Does it glamorize violence? Sure. Does it desensitize us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow beings? Heck yes. Does it CAUSE violence? ... well that's hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question.
Calvin watches television and talks about the graphic violence in the media. He asks if it desensitizes them to violence, help them tolerate violence, glamorize violence, and stunt their empathy for fellow beings. He thinks they're all true. But he says it's hard to prove it causes violence. He continues to happily watch television, saying the trick is to ask the right question.

ch950216: Most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, so that's why I'm writing my autobiography. Does your magnanimity know no bounds? Genius has its obligations. Hey, how do you spell "boogers"?
Calvin tells Hobbes that since most people don't know what it's like to be a child prodigy, he is going to write his autobiography. He says genius has its obligations. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin asks him how to spell "boogers".

ch950217: I no longer wish to be called a "boy". Isn't that what you are? Yes. But I find that term demeaning and sexist. What do you want to be called then? A "chromosomally advantaged youth". That may not catch on.
Calvin says he no longer wants to be called a "boy". Hobbes asks if that isn't what he is. Calvin says he finds that term demeaning and sexist. Hobbes asks what he wants to be called. Calvin replies "a chromosomally advantaged youth". Hobbes isn't sure that will catch on.

ch950218: Ahh, what could be better than a Saturday 6-mile run at dawn in 20-degree weather... ...followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and some dry toast! How about some dried-up prunes and a root canal? Dried prunes! Do we hasve some??
Dad puts on a sweater and asks what could be better than a Saturday six mile run at dawn in twenty degree weather. He goes into the kitchen and says the run would be followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and dry toast. With eyes squinted from sleep, Calvin walks by and says what about dried-up prunes and a root canal. Happily, Dad asks if they have some dried prunes.

ch950219: Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Calvin looks back and off they go, down the hill on the toboggan. Through the trees, snow flying around, just missing a tree. Blackness, with pained sounds follows. Upside down in the air, followed by blackness and more sounds of pain. In the tree branches, followed by sounds of pain and blackness. Calvin is upside down in the snow. He says that was the best ride ever. Hobbes, also in the snow, says he kept closing his eyes. He suggests they do it again.

ch950220: With sheer brain power, I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that, I'll walk!
Calvin sits on his sled. He says with sheer brain power, he will force the sled to carry him up the hill. He sits there, arms crossed. He continues to sit. Finally, he pulls the sled up the hill, saying that until he decides to do that, he'll walk.

ch950221: I wonder why people are never content with what they have. Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don't even have tails! Of course people aren't content! Forget I ever said anything. Now if TIGERS weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.
Calvin asks Hobbes why people aren't content with what they have. Hobbes says people's fingernails are a joke, they have no fangs, they can't see at night, their pink hides are ridiculous, and they don't have tails. That's why people aren't content. Calvin says to forget he said anything. Hobbes says if tigers weren't content, that would be something to wonder about.

ch950222: I like homework. I don't want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Smiling, Calvin says he likes homework. As he starts to do it, he says he doesn't want to go outside. He wants to do math problems. BLEHHH! Calvin hangs his tongue out. He says his brain always rejects attitude transplants.

ch950223: Look at how people are portrayed in comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews and bimbos. And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insiduous social programming IS this?! No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting models in the funnies! Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats!
Calvin shows Dad how people are portrayed in comic strips. He says women are whiners, shrews, and bimbos. Men are morons, drinkers, and goof-offs. Everyone is incompetent. Calvin wants to know what kind of social programming this is. He demands politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies. Dad says we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin says look, all the kids are obnoxious brats.

ch950224: Wouldn't it be cool if you sneezed and the spray from your nose instantly froze? You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze! ... Well, I think it would be cool. People wonder why cats are solitary.
Calvin asks if it wouldn't be cool if you sneezed and spray from your nose instantly froze. You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze. Calvin walks after Hobbes, saying he thinks it would be cool. Hobbes says people wonder why cats are solitary.

ch950225: CALVIN, STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE! The law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. CALVIN!
As Calvin runs, he hears someone yell to stop running through the house. Calvin stops. He says the law is on the books, but it would take all their resources to enforce it. He starts running again.

ch950226: How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
A man gets up from his desk. He goes off to get some coffee. BLAM! The man is shot. Four deer, armed with rifles, gather around the body. They praise Bambi's nice shot. He asks for somebody to get the camera. Calvin tells the class that the man's family was upset when he didn't come home that night. Everyone understood the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion. Some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Mom looks at a note from the teacher calling for a parent-teacher conference. Dad tells her it's her turn.

ch950227: VROOOOMM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SPLUTCHH. Ack! Not so much! Not so much! I hate this stuff! Pipe down and eat.
Mom backs a front-loading tractor. It dumps a load down. She puts food on Calvin's plate. He tells her he hates that stuff and not to put so much on.

ch950228: What happened in Concord in 1775? Le'ts be honest. You're asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? I'm a kid. I don't know what's going on NOW. I don't have a shred of context for any of this. It's hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other.
Calvin looks at a test question about what happened in Concord in 1775. Calvin writes that he relies on the bus driver to find his own house from school. Concord could be on Neptune for all he knows. He says he's a kid. How should he know what happened 220 years ago? He doesn't have context for the question. He writes to Miss Wormwood that it's hopeless. He says they both try to demoralize each other.

ch950301: Look Hobbes, this is my retirement fund. A comic book? This is the issue where they introduce the arch-villain "Deathmeister"! In a few years, a rare mint copy of this will be worth millions of dollars! Needless to say, I bought five copies, sealed them in airtight plastic bags, and put them in a box in the closet, where the light and humidity won't affect their precious pages! How will these be rare and valuable if every kid in America has five copies? We're all counting on the other guy's Mom to throw them away.
Calvin shows Hobbes his retirement fund. It's a comic book where they introduce the archvillain "Deathmeister". Calvin says a mint copy of this will be worth millions. Calvin bought five copies, sealed them in airtight bags, and put them in the closet so light and humidity won't affect the pages. Hobbes asks how rare they will be if every kid in America has five copies. Calvin replies they're all counting on the other guys' mom to throw them away.

ch950302: If I had a computer, I'm sure I'd get better grades on my book reports. You'd still have to read the book and tell the computer what you want to say, you know. Man, what's all the fuss about computers?!
Calvin tells Dad that if he had a computer, he'd get better grades on book reports. Dad says he'd still have to read the books and tell the computer what you want to say. Dejectedly, Calvin wonders what all the fuss is about computers.

ch950303: Want to buy my latest invention? What is it? It's a writer's block! You put it on your desk and you can't write there any more! I must be years ahead of my time.
Calvin pushes a box and asks Hobbes if he'd like to buy Calvin's latest invention. Calvin says it's a writer's block. You put in on top of the desk, then you can't write there anymore. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he must be years ahead of his time.

ch950304: What's the matter, honey? You look down in the dumps. I don't have a hairy chest. Mom says some babes don't care. Thptpbt! Right.
Mom asks Calvin why he looks down in the dumps. Calvin says he doesn't have a hairy chest. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom says some babes don't care. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and says "right".

ch950305: Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Spaceman Spiff lands on a bizarre planet. A mysterious mist arises out of nowhere. Spiff can't see a thing. At school, Calvin is at his desk. Miss Wormwood is explaining a math problem. Calvin says our hero's in a total fog. He says the atmosphere is a powerful sedative. Spiff can't keep his eyes open. Miss Wormwood stands by his desk as his head drops on the desk. Spiff is hanging upside down from ankle locks in a dungeon. He says our hero suddenly comes to.

ch950306: Sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. He gets up suddenly, runs off, his tail fluffed out. Calvin watches him and comments that sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.

ch950307: Today for "Show and Tell", I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! It's a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You'll never, EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I'll never end your torment! I'll carry my secret to the grave! It's the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing.
Calvin tells the class he refuses to show what he brought for "show and tell". He says it's a mystery that will haunt them all their miserable lives. They can beg, but he won't end their torment. He says he'll take his secret to the grave. It's the show and tell that was never shown or told. He laughs. Marching to the principal's office, Calvin says everybody wants the same old thing.

ch950308: Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars! Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting. I see. Nicely put, dear.
Calvin tells Dad he should smoke cigars. They're all the rage. Mom walks by and says flatulence could be all the rage, but it still would be disgusting. Calvin understands. Dad tells Mom that was nicely put.

ch950309: A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect! Soon they'll be a bunch of ground-down, rounded, indistinguishable stumps, missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
Calvin has a box of new crayons. They're all pointy, bright, and perfect. He says soon they'll be ground down, rounded stumps. They'll be missing their wrappers. He looks at the crayons and says sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.

ch950310: OK, that's plenty of television. Turn it off. I'll mope and whine and argue! I'll get in the way! I'll get in trouble! I'll tear around! You won't have a moments peace if you make me turn off the TV! I noticed she had to think about it.
Mom tells Calvin to turn the television off. Calvin says he'll mope and whine. He'll tear around and get in trouble. He says she won't have a moment's peace if she makes him turn off the TV. Mom kicks Calvin out the door. He says he noticed she had to think about it.

ch950311: Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak with the chief of police. Hello, chief? Is it a LAW that your socks have to match anything else you're wearing? HEY MOM, LISTEN TO THIS!
On the phone, Calvin wants to speak to the chief of police. When the chief comes on, Calvin asks if it's a law your socks have to match anything else you're wearing. Calvin holds the phone away from himself and yells for Mom to come hear this.

ch950312: How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
Calvin is peacefully eating his lunch of a sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Suddenly, Hobbes jumps onto the table. He growls at Calvin. They fight. Finally, Hobbes sits at the table peacefully eating the sandwich and fruit, reading the funnies. Dirty and scratched from his battle with Hobbes, Calvin tells Mom he's still hungry. Mom says she fixed him a nice lunch. He can wait until dinner.

ch950313: Watcha doin'? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah, but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs.
Calvin is looking for frogs. He tells Hobbes he must obey the inscrutable exhortations of his soul. Hobbes understands. Calvin says his mandate also includes weird bugs.

ch950314: I am not scared of this ball. AAA! AAA! AA!
Calvin looks at a baseball and says he's not scared. He throws the ball into the air. As it comes down, it shows teeth and chases Calvin away.

ch950315: You just struck out for the next five innings. But it didn't get me!
Hobbes pitches a ball to Calvin. Calvin sees the ball has teeth, so he swings several times at the ball. Hobbes tells him he just struck out for the next five innings. Exhausted, Calvin says at least the ball didn't get him.

ch950316: I think angels are everywhere. You do? They're on calendars, books, greeting cards... almost every product imaginable. What a spiritual age we live in.
Calvin thinks angels are everywhere. He tells Hobbes they're on calendars, books, greeting cards. Almost every product imaginable. Hobbes says they live in a spiritual age.

ch950317: I like to set kites free.
Calvin launches a kite. He looks at it in the sky, then he lets loose of the string. He walks back, saying he likes to set kites free.

ch950318: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we can speak. Probably so we can think twice.
Calvin tells Hobbes that sometimes when he's talking, his words can't keep up with his thoughts. He wonders why they think faster than they can speak. Hobbes guesses it's probably so they can think twice.

ch950319: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Calvin finds a remote control gizmo in a drawer. He wonders what it does and clicks it. He drops down a tube to see Mom and Dad in a control room with a spacecraft. Mom and Dad are dressed in superhero costumes. Calvin stands in the living room looking at Mom and Dad. He sighs.

ch950320: FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that.
Hopping off the school bus, Calvin says he's free. Susie follows Calvin. He notices her behind him and says this walk goes to his house. Susie replies that she knows. Calvin runs and Susie chases him.

ch950321: YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously I'm not GOING to my house. It's a lot MORE obvious that you're not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well, it's my Mom's rule that you can sit in our yard, but you can't come in the house. Your Mom didn't say that!
Calvin tells Susie her house is the other way. She isn't going to her house. Calvin tells her she can't come to his house. Susie says she has to stay with him until her mom gets home. She says their moms agreed to it. Susie isn't happy about it any more than Calvin is. Calvin informs Susie that she can sit in the yard, but she can't come into the house. Susie contends Calvin's mom didn't say that.

ch950322: Let me in! Your Mom said I could stay here! No! Go away! You can wait in a tree! I'm telling! HELLO? HELLO? CALVIN WON'T LET ME IN! AAUGH! shh! shhh! OK, OK! In fact, heh heh heh, why don't you go in ahead of me? I just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for you! Don't be scared! Yeah, I'm trembling. I'll just step way, way back here!
Calvin and Susie are fighting about her waiting in Calvin's house. Susie yells that Calvin won't let him in. Suddenly, Calvin pushes her next to the door. He just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for her. Susie starts to open the door. Calvin runs back away from her.

ch950323: Is this your "big orange surprise"? Doggone it, Hobbes! Didn't you pounce?! Here's your tiger. He was by the door. WHAT'S WITH THE TIE?! Hello, Susie. Come on in. My Mom didn't call and say I could go home yet, did she? YOU DRESSED UP FOR A GIRL??!
Susie asks if this is his big orange surprise. Calvin asks if Hobbes didn't pounce on her. Susie hands Hobbes to Calvin, saying he was by the door. Hobbes is wearing a tie. Mom tells Susie to come in. Susie asks if her mom called to say she could come home already. Calvin chastises Hobbes for dressing up for a girl.

ch950324: Would you care for a snack, Susie? Um, OK. Thank you. Well? What have you got to say for yourself? When one entertains female friends, one should try not to look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Who's entertaining?! Who's a female friend? Who looks seedy?! A spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes! Tigers have a natual flair for causal chic! I can't believe this. Why didn't you kill her when she came in the door?! By the way, if you had made proper introductions, we might have smooched her hand. Here, let me adjust the narrow end of your tie about eight inches.
Mom offers Susie a snack. Calvin asks Hobbes what he has to say for himself. Hobbes says that when entertaining female friends, one shouldn't look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Calvin wonders who's entertaining and who looks seedy. Hobbes thinks a spotted tie is just the thing when you're wearing stripes. Calvin asks why Hobbes didn't kill her when she came through the door. Hobbes tells Calvin that if he had made proper introductions, he might have smooched her hand. Calvin reaches toward Hobbes offering to adjust the narrow end of his tie about eight inches.

ch950325: What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasn't sure I understood this chapter, so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now I'm rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well, now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart.
Calvin walks past Susie all scratched. Susie asks what happened. Calvin says he and Hobbes had a frank exchange of ideas. Calvin asks what she's doing. Susie tells him she wasn't sure she understood a chapter of her school work, so she reviewed her notes from the last chapter and is rereading the book. Calvin asks if she does all that work. Calvin walks away saying he used to think she was smart.

ch950326: What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Calvin is home from school. Hobbes sees him from the window and prepares to pounce. Calvin stops at the door. Inside, Hobbes wonders what's happening. Calvin sits on the steps. Hobbes lies down. Calvin continues to wait outside. Hobbes falls asleep. When Calvin hears Hobbes snoring, he opens the door. He is pounced upon by Hobbes. Hobbes gives Calvin a definition of "cat nap".

ch950327: Where's Susie? She's in the living room doing her homework. NOW? She's not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow, it's like science fiction or something. "The Gender from Outer Space"!
Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is doing her homework. Hobbes wonders why she doesn't put it off until bedtime. Calvin informs him that she says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she gets home. Hobbes thinks this is like science fiction. Calvin calls it "The Gender From Outer Space".

ch950328: This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As we're all aware, the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies, we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes, could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure!
Calvin calls an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.S. under a box in his bedroom. Calvin says they've been infiltrated by the enemy who is spreading disinformation that homework ought to be done right after school. Calvin says though Mom has covert girl sympathies, they must eradicate the hostile forces. He asks if there are questions. Hobbes asks if they can put some air holes in the box. Calvin says the box of secrecy must remain secure.

ch950329: OK, we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesn't need a secret code. Ahem. "Section IV, Article 12: Every secret plan needs a secret code. A. The more complicated the better. B. Everybody already knows pig latin. C. Phrases like 'code blue' are cool." Our club charter never lies. That's why this is such a great club.
Calvin asks if Hobbes understands the secret plan. He does, but he asks about the secret code. Calvin says the secret plan doesn't need one. Hobbes shows their club charter, which indicates every secret plan needs a secret code. Calvin says the club charter never lies. Hobbes says that's why this is such a great club.

ch950330: Hey! I can't get out! I'm stuck! Help! Calvin? Susie, I'm trapped in the hall closet! Open the door! let me out! Help! Help! Hurry! Quick! I'm in the closet! Open the door and get me out of... SLAM HEY! YES!
Susie hears Calvin's voice in the closet saying he can't get out. She opens the door and goes in, only to find a tape recorder playing Calvin's message. Calvin and Hobbes slam the closet door shut.

ch950331: Calvin, are you slamming doors?! It wasn't me, Mom! I didn't hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE, CALVIN, YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our club's finest hour! Where's Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. I'M IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why, Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet, of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin...
Mom asks if Calvin is slamming doors. He says he didn't hear anything. Inside the closet, Susie is yelling for Calvin to open the door. She calls him a rotten bag of barf. Mom comes in and asks where Susie is. Calvin tells her she may have gone outside. Susie yells to be let out. Calvin acts shocked that Susie is in the closet. Susie tells Mom that Calvin tricked her into the closet and held the door.

ch950401: Susie, your Mom just called and she's walking over to pick you up. Finally! I'll talk you YOU in a few minutes upstairs. Bye Susie! Don't lock yourself in any more closets! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day of grossness! This goes in the log book! I'd say some promotions, awards, medals, and advanced degrees are in order! Should we get them before we get in trouble, or after?
Mom tells Susie that her mom is home and she will come pick Susie up. Susie is relieved. Mom angrily says she'll talk to Calvin in a few minutes. Calvin tells Susie not to lock herself in any more closets. Calvin and Hobbes run upstairs. Calvin says some promotions and medals are in order. Hobbes asks if they should get them before they get in trouble or after.

ch950402: Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
Dad puts his bicycle together. Calvin laughs at Dad in his riding gear. Dad rides along with cars yelling at him. He falls down a hill. Bandaged and bruised, Dad returns home carrying the bicycle. Calvin laughs at him again. In the tub, Dad says the secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.

ch950403: Any monsters under my bed tonight? Maybe, maybe not. You mean, "definitely yes"? We didn't say that. "WE"? I mean, "I". ..uh.. that is, if there were any of me. Shut up, Winslow. Luckily for me, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A voice comes out from below the bed, saying maybe, maybe not. Calvin asks if they mean "definitely yes". The voice says they didn't say that. Calvin asks if he just heard "we". The voice clarifies "I". It goes on to say "if there were any of me". Another voice says "shut up, Winslow". Calvin says luckily for him, monsters don't think clearly when they're hungry.

ch950404: We don't value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency, and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there's no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier, rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! We're not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING!
Calvin decries they don't value craftsmanship anymore. He says ruthless efficiency denies their own humanity. He says there's no pleasure in creating things, if there is no appreciation for grace and beauty. He asks how a person can take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he had two days to write that paper. He claims that's nothing.

ch950405: It's hard to know what's important in life. We don't notice the small stuff and we're never prepared for the big stuff. What about the stuf in between? That stuff's boring. Let's hope bumbling along without a clue is important. According to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.\
Calvin says it's hard to know what's important in life. They don't notice the small print, and they're never prepared for the big stuff. Hobbes asks what about the stuff in between. Calvin says that's boring. Hobbes says they should hope bumbling along without a clue is important. Calvin says that according to the ads, fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.

ch950406: Can I get a drink of water? All right, but hurry up. What are YOU doing home?! I prefer OUR water.
Calvin asks his teacher if he can get a drink of water. She says it's alright, but he should hurry. Calvin runs down the hallway. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin why he's home. Calvin tells her he prefers their water.

ch950407: This bad grade is lowering my self-esteem! Then you should work harder so you don't get bad grades. Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem!
Calvin says the bad grade he got is lowering his self-esteem. Miss Wormwood says he should work harder so he doesn't get bad grades. Calvin claims her denial of his victimhood is lowering his self-esteem.

ch950408: I'm the decisive, take-charge type! I'm a natural leader! See, we'll go THIS way! Have fun. The problem is that nobody wants to go where I want to lead them.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's a decisive, take-charge type. He says they'll go the way he is pointing. Hobbes goes the other way and tells him to have fun. Crawling through brush and mud, Calvin says the problem is that nobody wants to go where he wants to lead them.

ch950409: Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
On the way to the school bus, Calvin sees an alien appear in a spaceship. He introduces himself to the alien. The alien makes himself look just like Calvin and speaks in phonetic English. Calvin tells the alien to take his lunchbox and to have a good day at school. Susie says hello to the alien Calvin. He repeats what Calvin said about having a good day at school. Later, Mom opens the door for Dad saying that Calvin's principal said to say hello. Dad knows that means there was trouble. Calvin, still speaking in phonetic English, says Calvin stole his spaceship.

ch950410: What was the significance of the Erie Canal? In the cosmic sense, probably nil. We "big picture" people rarely become historians.
Calvin looks at a test question asking the significance of the Erie Canal. Calvin replies that "In the cosmic sense, probably nil". He says "big picture" people like him rarely become historians.

ch950411: Remember when I was first born? I couldn't even turn myself over! My eyes wouldn't focus! I couldn't do anything! Think of all the work it took to develop the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon, top place the tip of it on a page, and to move it in predetermined, coordinated motions! This picture is the result of six years' unrelenting toil! A lifetime of effort went into this! I'm still not paying you $500 for it. It will appreciate! It's an investment!
Calvin asks Dad to remember when he was first born. He couldn't turn himself over. He asks Dad to think of all the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon and move it in predetermined, coordinated motions. He shows a picture of a dinosaur and indicates that is the result of six years' unrelenting effort. Dad says he's not paying $500 for it. Calvin implores that it will appreciate. It's an investment.

ch950412: Calvin? Calvin! CALVIN! AAUGH! Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver.
Calvin is sitting at his desk with his eyes closed. Miss Wormwood calls on him. She calls again. Still no answer, nor any eyes opened. She puts her hands on his desk and calls his name again, loudly. Calvin is startled awake. He tells Miss Wormwood his eyes were on screen saver.

ch950413: Right here! Put it here! AAAA! Let's work on your underhand pitches. If you keep running away like that, you won't catch any fouls.
Calvin has a baseball glove and calls for the ball. A train comes toward Calvin. Lying on his back with the baseball next to him, Calvin tells Hobbes they'll work on his underhand pitches. Hobbes says if Calvin keeps running like that, he won't catch any fouls.

ch950414: Calvin, are you chewing gum in class? Yeth. Do you have enough to share with everybody? Probably. But do you really think they'd want it?? It was HER idea...
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin is chewing gum. He mumbles a reply that he is. She asks if he has enough to share with everybody. Calvin takes a giant wad of gum out of his mouth. He says he probably does, but he asks if she really thinks they want it. In the principal's office, Calvin pleads that it was her idea.

ch950415: Ahem. Hi. What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
Calvin jauntily walks along. He smiles and poses for Mom. She walks by. Grumpily, Calvin continues walking. He asks the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see them.

ch950416: I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
In the bathtub, Calvin is playing with a sailboat. He pretends the man and woman on the boat stop for a swim. Suddenly, the lake is boiling hot. They get out of the water. The couple pulls up anchor, but the boat heads toward.....the waterfall. Calvin turns on the faucet and swamps the boat. The wind picks up, and Calvin gets out of the tub with the sailboat. The wind suddenly stops, and Calvin drops the boat into the toilet. One of the couple says they've somehow landed in another lake. It's a gigantic whirlpool. Calvin flushes the toilet, and down the boat goes. Later, a plumber hands Dad the sailboat. Dad gets charged $150. While he writes the check, Dad angrily says somebody else is going to pay for this, too.

ch950417: I think I should stay home from school. I've got a sore throat, an ear ache, a stomach ache, I'm seeing spots, and I'm dizzy. I'll call the doctor. Hold on, I think it's all clearing up! Yes. I think I'm better now. It's pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague, mildly serious, but not quite worrisome symptoms.
In bed, Calvin tells Mom he has a sore throat, ear ache, is seeing spots, and is dizzy. Mom offers to call the doctor. Calvin gets out of bed, saying it's all clearing up. While he gets dressed, he says it's hard to hit the magic number of vague, mildly serious, but not worrisome symptoms.

ch950418: What a pretty sky today! It's too blue. It needs some red. Red? Just a little right over there. Hang on. That's better. Well I'll be!
Looking at the sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too blue. It needs some red. He points up to show Hobbes where it should have some red. He runs off. Later, Calvin is flying a kite. He says that's better, and Hobbes agrees.

ch950419: Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself! What did you write? "Dear Calvin, Hi! I'm writing this on Monday. What day is it now? How are things going? Your pal, Calvin." My past self is corresponding with my future self. Too bad you can't write back.
Out of the mailbox, Calvin gets a letter he wrote to himself. He reads it to Hobbes. It asks what day it is, since he's writing it on Monday. Calvin says his past self is corresponding with his future self. Hobbes says it's too bad he can't write back.

ch950420: I got another letter from my past self. What's it say? "Dear future Calvin, I wrote this several days before you will receive it. You've done things I haven't done. You've seen things I haven't seen. You know things I don't know. You lucky dog! Your pal, Calvin." Sniff. I feel so sorry for myself two days ago. Poor him. He wasn't you.
Calvin got another letter from his past self. The note reads that the future Calvin has done things the past Calvin hadn't yet done. He calls the future Calvin a lucky dog. Calvin feels sorry for himself two days ago.

ch950421: Let's draw the line at the umbrella.
Calvin is taking a bath. He has a pail, ball, duck, sailboat, swim mask, and an umbrella. The shower is running. Mom looks in and says they should draw the line at the umbrella.

ch950422: I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What a lousy weather! What an awful day! Well if you can't change it, what's the point of griping about it? I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
Calvin is complaining about the wind to Hobbes. Hobbes asks what the point is in griping about it if you can't change it. Calvin replies he isn't going to let a little wind be more annoying than him.

ch950423: Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Calvin and Hobbes look at the sky at night. Calvin says to look at the stars. The universe goes on forever and ever. Hobbes says it makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big deal. Calvin thinks about it. They go inside to watch television. Calvin says that's why they stay inside with their appliances.

ch950424: This new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a mandibular fitness regime! Basically, they recommend interval training: chewing one piece of gum with lots of reps, followed by chewing five pieces of gum at once, so you can really work the masseter and buccinator muscles. It's a gruelling workout, but you build strength AND endurance, so you can come through in a clincher. I'm sure the glory makes it all worthwhile. Plus, you develop that "chewer's jaw" that drives the girls wild.
Calvin's new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a fitness regime. Calvin says they recommend interval training. He tells Hobbes it's a grueling workout, but you build strength and endurance. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says all the glory makes it all worthwhile. Calvin says you also develop "chewer's jaw", which drives the girls wild.

ch950425: What's with the face? I'm doing stretches. Chewing magazine says you should always warm up before you chew gum. Did you know that neglecting to stretch the temporalis muscles is the leading cause of gum chewing injuries? What about falling down while chewing and walking? With a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.
Calvin's mouth is hanging open. He tells Hobbes he's doing stretches. As he pulls his cheeks and jaws, he says you should warm up before chewing gum. Neglecting to stretch is a leading cause of chewing gum injuries. Hobbes asks about falling down while chewing and walking. Calvin puts on a helmet saying that with a good helmet, the risk is surprisingly small.

ch950426: In this issue, Chewing reviews the new gum chewing apparel. This jersey is makde with Swet-Tek (R) fibers that wick away perspiration! The mesh collar keeps your sternomastoids ventilated and the zippered pockets hold spare gum and wrappers! Why is it covered with brand logos? That gives you the psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. How can you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself? I'D sure like to be a walking endorsement.
Calvin's new Chewing magazine reviews gum chewing apparel. There is a jersey that wicks away perspiration. There is a mesh collar for ventilation and zippered pockets to hold spare gum. Hobbes asks why it's covered with logos. Calvin says that gives a psychological edge of pretending you're sponsored. Hobbes wonders how you tell if you're reading an advertisement, a product review, or the product itself.

ch950427: I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure I'm chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that I'm chewing more gum faster, harder, and longer! What's the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up, it means you're having more fun. Sciece to the spirit's rescue once again.
Calvin says he needs a heart rate monitor to make sure he's chewing at his aerobic threshold. He wants to see he's chewing more gum, faster, harder, and longer. Hobbes asks the point of attaching a number to everything you do. Calvin says if your numbers go up, you're having more fun. Hobbes calls it science to the spirit's rescue once again.

ch950428: WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I'VE GOT!! AAAAAAA. Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
Calvin is sitting at his desk. Suddenly, he asks what he's doing in there on a beautiful day. He says this is the only life he has. He runs off. Miss Wormwood returns him to his desk, saying to try a drink of water and a few deep breaths next time.

ch950429: Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Calvin shows Hobbes a trickle of water running through some dirt. He says their afternoon just got booked solid.

ch950430: Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Someone is flying a spacecraft , cruising between large mesas, heading toward the horizon. A monster appears ahead of the spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing in front of Calvin's desk. He's startled awake. He looks at his school book. He sees a herd of dinosaurs as he come out of the bushes.

ch950501: I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I, for example, take great pleasure in being right here, right now, doing what we're doing. Of course, you're supposed to be at school. I couldn't appreciate those moments.
Calvin tells Hobbes the secret to happiness is to learn to appreciate the moment. As they climb a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes he takes great pleasure being right here, right now. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's supposed to be at school. Calvin replies he couldn't appreciate those moments.

ch950502: Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers? It's bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!!
Calvin asks Dad why they aren't hooked up to an online service so they can connect to other computers. Dad says it's bad enough they have a telephone. Calvin goes outside and yells "HELLLPPP!!!"

ch950503: I hate when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top and then the ride is over so fast. And if you sit for a moment to enjoy the height, everybody yells at you to get going. And sometimes the idiot behind you starts down too soon and he smacks into you at the bottom before you can get away. Yep, the playground is a LOT more fun after the class starts. CALVIN!
Calvin climbs the slide ladder, saying he hates when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top, then the ride is over so fast. If you sit at the top to enjoy the height, everybody yells for you to get going. As he slides down, he says sometimes the idiot behind you starts too soon and smacks into you before you can get away. He runs off, saying the playground is a lot more fun after class starts. A voice calls for Calvin.

ch950504: PHOOMPP. Why are you crying? I'm cutting up an onion. It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
Calvin asks why Mom is crying. She's cutting up an onion. He walks away saying it must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.

ch950505: Calvin, would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be hap-py to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesn't anybody appreciate theater?!
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem at the board. Calvin walks forward like a robot. He mechanically says he would be happy to do it. He says he has been programmed to obey all directives. He has no free will. As Calvin walks to the principal's office, he asks if anyone appreciates theater.

ch950506: Can I run the vacuum cleaner? No, not until you're older. I'm old enough! I could do it! Well, maybe just this once, if you do a real good job. That suppressed smile worries me.
Calvin asks Mom if he can run the vacuum cleaner. He says he's old enough and can do it. Mom says maybe this once, if he does a real good job. As he vacuums, Calvin says that suppressed smile worries him.

ch950507: We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
Calvin informs Hobbes that they are going to have a baby sitter that night. They wear war helmets and Calvin picks up a toy gun. Mom announces Rosalyn and asks Calvin to be good. Rosalyn introduces herself, but Calvin just Hmphs. He says that she is not his Mom, and he doesn't have to do anything she says, and that he will do as he pleases. Rosalyn asks Calvin to take a look by the telephone. Calvin finds a note from his Mom with emergency numbers. Rosalyn threatens Calvin that they might end up having to call one of those numbers.Calvin announces that it must be 6:30, and that he would turn in. Rosalyn comments that she doesn't put up with much for eight bucks a night.

ch950508: "Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President of the United States. P.S. Really." Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive.
Miss Wormwood reads a note from the President of the United States, indicating Calvin should be excused because his genius is required on a matter of national security. Miss Wormwood looks at Calvin and tells him it was a nice try. Calvin sits down, grumbling that he needs to learn how to write in cursive.

ch950509: How come grown-ups don't go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you don't get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough.
Calvin asks Dad why grownups don't go out to play. Dad says they justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance. Calvin says that sounds like a job. Dad says it is, except you don't get paid. Calvin asks if play is worse than work. Dad says being a grownup is tough.

ch950510: A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement. So today, I'm going to have a new kind of cereal. This cereal doesn't have any chocolate frosting. It has fiber and raisins. Of course, a bit part of life is horryifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. We tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.
Calvin tells Hobbes a big part of life is boring routine. He needs excitement. He is going to have a new kind of cereal. Hobbes reads the cereal doesn't have chocolate frosting, but does have fiber and raisins. Calvin goes back to the pantry saying a big part of life is horrifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. He grabs his "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Hobbes says tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.

ch950511: 15 people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait ten minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited TWO minutes. I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the person on the telephone. Have a nice day. Too late.
Mom is shopping. She's angry that the bank teller went on break without a replacement with fifteen people in line. She says after she waited ten minutes, a new line was opened for all the people behind her who waited two minutes. As she tries to buy her groceries, she sees the cashier putting her on hold so that she could talk with someone on the telephone. After she gets her last bag, the cashier tells Mom to have a nice day. Mom replies that it's too late.

ch950512: Have you noticed how nobody dresses up for anything anymore? People look like slobs wherever they go. Everybody's rude, too. People swear all the time, and you can forget about being addressed as "Mr." or "Sir." There's no respect for anyone. How come I gotta change the world?!
At dinner, Mom tells Dad that nobody dresses up for anything anymore. People look like slobs. Dad agrees that people are too rude, and that there's no respect for anyone. Later, Calvin is standing all dressed up, with his hair combed. He complains why he has to change the world.

ch950513: Every Saturday morning is the same. We get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal until we fight, and then Mom throws us out of the house. It never changes. That's what I like about Saturdays too! First one downstairs get to pick the cartoons!
Calvin wakes up and tells Hobbes every Saturday morning is the same. They get up at the crack of dawn, watch cartoons, eat sugary cereal until they fight, then get thrown out of the house by Mom. As they get out of bed, Hobbes says that's what he likes about Saturdays, too. Calvin calls out that the first one downstairs gets to pick the cartoons.

ch950514: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Calvin marches off, ready to face the school day. He sits in gum. He's caught peeking at Susie's paper. Moe beats him up. The water fountain sprays his face. No one wants him on their team at recess. He doesn't know what the lunch is. He can't get on the swing. Everyone in class knows the answer except him. He misses the bus home. Calvin walks home in the rain. In bed, he looks out the window and says that some days even lucky rocketship underpants don't help. Hobbes says he's done all he could do.

ch950515: WHACK. AAA!! What are you scared of? The ball's not going to bit you. How do YOU know?
Calvin tosses a baseball into the air so he can hit it. He swings and hits the ball. It is stuck on his bat, chewing it. Calvin hides up in a tree. Dad asks what he's scared of. The ball isn't going to bite him. Calvin asks how he knows.

ch950516: AA! AA! AA! AA! What do you mean, you want a glove for the other hand too? Which word don't you understand?
Calvin tosses the ball into the air so he can catch it. It comes down and bites his glove. Later, Dad clarifies that Calvin wants a glove for the other hand, also.

ch950517: AAA! CLOMP! How often have I told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard?!
Calvin warily approaches the baseball with a bat. He taps the ball with the bat. The ball bites the end of the bat, and Calvin runs off. Later, Dad sees the ball and bat on the ground. He asks how often he's told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard.

ch950518: Have you been hitting rocks with this bat? No, why? Look at it. It's chewed up. You should take care of your equipment. The ball did this! It's what I've been trying to tell you! These are fang marks! That ball is berserk! It's deranged! It's a menace! Why do I even bother?
Dad asks Calvin if he's been hitting rocks with the bat. Calvin says no. Dad says the bat is all chewed up. Calvin claims the ball did it. He says that's what he's been trying to tell Dad. He says the ball is deranged and a menace. In bed, Calvin asks why he even bothers.

ch950519: PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly, I was hoping for a deafening explosion.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches the large bubble drift along. It pops. Calvin says that secretly he was hoping for a deafening explosion.

ch950520: FFOOOOFF. FFOOOOF. bip.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. It starts to drift off, then stops. It blows back at Calvin. Then, it pops. Calvin isn't sure what just happened.

ch950521: What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Calvin gets out of bed. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin tells the malevolent, murderous moron to leave him alone. Hobbes tosses him into the air and says it's morning. Now they can do stuff again. Hobbes runs off. Calvin chases him saying it's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.

ch950522: Aackkk. Ch... ch... ch... chocolate ch-chips... no. And get up off the floor. urgle.
Calvin crawls on the floor. He is weak. He reaches forward. Mom is in the kitchen. He weakly calls for chocolate chips. Mom says no and tells Calvin to get up off the floor.

ch950523: I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything NEW is GOOD by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it LOOKS new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different! I see why timeless truth doesn't sell. Give me a good flash in the pan any day.
Calvin is a great believer in the value of novelty. He says anything new is good by definition. He tells Hobbes if you can't give him something new, then repackage the old so it looks new. Novelty is all that matters. He won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different. Hobbes sees why timeless truth doesn't sell. Calvin will take a good flash in the pan any day.

ch950524: YAWWNN. YAWWNN. YYAWNN. YAWWNN. One of us should have left the room.
Hobbes yawns, then Calvin does. They both yawn. They lie down. Calvin says one of them should have left the room.

ch950525: When I was a kid, my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown, and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs, and they used to click, clack, and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart, and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow - just wide enough for one person. Yep, those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
Dad tells Calvin that his mom took them to a department store, and that he loved riding the escalators. Dad explains how they sounded, and that he wondered if ladies got their heels stuck and got pulled under. He says the old escalators had more personality than slick, metal ones. Calvin thinks to himself that he hates to think all his current experiences will become stories with no point one day.

ch950526: Mmf. Rrgg. One! REWARD, PLEASE!
Calvin struggles to do a pushup. He finally completes one. He asks for a reward.

ch950527: Giving is better than having. When you GET something, it's new and exciting, when you HAVE something, you take it for granted and it's boring. But everything you GET turns into something you HAVE. That's why you always need to get new things. I feel like I'm in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want", that's my motto.
Calvin says getting is better than having. He says when you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have it, it's boring. Hobbes says everything you get turns into something you have. Calvin says that's why you always need to get new things. Hobbes feels he's in some stockholder's dream. "Waste and want" is Calvin's motto.

ch950528: No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
Some movie reels are gathered up in Calvin's unconscious. As they prepare to play the movies, the men hope they're better than last night's. The first one is bad. They replace it with another from a different film. It's a suspense movie. They try the third. It's a monster movie. None of the movies make sense. They are out of order. The lights are coming back on. They go back to their stations. Calvin wakes up. He says he had so many strange dreams and wonders what they mean.

ch950529: I heard that Miss Wormwood isn't here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student?
Susie tells Calvin that Miss Wormwood isn't at school today. Calvin wonders if they can go home. Susie tells him they have a substitute teacher. Calvin asks if he can send a substitute student.

ch950530: Who's our substitute teacher? Do you know? Mr. Kneecapper. Oh NO! Really? I heard he killed a kid last year! What?! Yeah, some kid was talking in class, so Mr. Kneecapper took him out in the hall, and there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon! OHH! Wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.
Calvin asks who their substitute teacher is. When Susie tells him, Calvin says he heard that teacher killed a kid last year. He tells Susie the teacher took a kid out to the hall, then there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says to wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.

ch950531: Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my leg. 3. Anything that was popular in the '70s. 4. Licorice, yams, or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots. It's comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
Calvin writes a list of things he'll never like. He mentions drying off with a cold, damp towel. He mentions seaweed wrapping around his leg. He mentions raisins, the screech babies make, and writhing maggots. He tells Hobbes it's comforting to know there are some certainties in life.

ch950601: Life is full of possibilities. For example, right now, instead of waiting for the school bus, I could stick out my thumb, hitch a ride, and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti, migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldn't really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities.
Calvin tells Hobbes life is full of possibilities. Instead of waiting for the school bus, he could thumb a ride and spend the rest of his life in the Serengeti, migrating with wildebeests. Hobbes points out that the Sergengeti is in Africa and that he couldn't really hitch a ride there. Calvin frowns and says life is full of precluded possibilities.

ch950602: Slurrpp. Sluurrp. AACKKPTH URGK BLUB! I'd bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure.
Calvin drinks from a water fountain. It sprays up into his face. As he walks away dripping, he says he bets the principal has a valve in his office that changes water pressure.

ch950603: Why are you digging a hole? I'm looking for buried treasure! What have you found? A few dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. On your first try?? There's treasure everywhere!
Hobbes asks why Calvin is digging a hole. Calvin is looking for buried treasure. Hobbes asks what he's found. Some dirty rocks, a weird root, and some disgusting grubs. Hobbes is overjoyed and asks if it was Calvin's first try. Calvin says there's treasure everywhere.

ch950604: Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
Spaceman Spiff gazes across the landscape. He wonders what dangers lie ahead. He wonders what bizarre occurrence he will be the first to witness. Spiff keeps looking across the expanse. He throws a few rocks. Spiff sighs. Calvin goes back inside. Hobbes comes with him, saying that if he couldn't find any weirdness, they'll have to make some.

ch950605: Boy, our family would sure be in trouble if YOU were bringing home the bacon! I AM NOT BACON!
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says the family would be in trouble if Hobbes were bringing home the bacon. As he turns around, Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes carries him in his mouth and drops him. Hobbes walks away, and Calvin yells after him that he isn't bacon.

ch950606: Ouchywawa. I've got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky. That's too bad. When your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.
Calvin tells Mom that he has a big "owwy boo boo" on his pinky. Mom says that's too bad. Calvin walks away saying that when your ailments sound cute, you don't get much sympathy.

ch950607: When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Nobody ever pays me a penny for my thoughts.
Sitting under a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes that when birds burp, it must taste like bugs. Hobbes leaves. Calvin says nobody ever pays a penny for his thoughts.

ch950608: Look at this, Hobbes. I added it up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days - morning, noon, and night - just sitting in the bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that?! How long did it take you to add this all up?
In the bathtub, Calvin says he figures he spends an average of four days a year taking baths. He asks what could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that. Hobbes looks at the paper and asks how long it took Calvin to add all that up.

ch950609: Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? You're deluding yourself, stupid! Nothing you do is important! You're just a bug! Oh my gosh, look at the time!
Calvin sees a bug walking. He tells the bug to stop deluding himself. Nothing he does is important. He notices what time it is and runs off.

ch950610: I'm a man of few words. Maybe if you read more, you'd have a larger vocabulary.
Calvin says he's a man of few words. Hobbes suggests that if he read more, he'd have a larger vocabulary. Hobbes runs off with Calvin in hot pursuit.

ch950611: Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Calvin is filling up a water balloon. It bursts, soaking Calvin with water. He gets another balloon and vows not to fill that one so full. He has trouble tying off the knot, spilling water all over himself. He starts to fill the balloon again. It slips off and soaks him. Calvin says Hobbes will be there at any second, so he tries to fill the balloon again. Hobbes runs up, and Calvin covers himself. Hobbes notices how soaked Calvin already is. He asks what the point is. Hobbes walks away.

ch950612: It's hot, it's humid, it's buggy, there's no breeze, and the air is full of pollen. But it's SUMMER!
Calvin complains that it's hot, humid, buddy, with no breeze. Then he says "But it's summer". Off he and Hobbes go to play.

ch950613: Hey ant, you're working like a maniac, and what have you got to show for it? What's the colony done for YOU lately? What about YOUR needs? You don't owe anybody anything! Let the others fend for themselves! Move out! Discover yourself! Express your individuality! If they listen, this should solve our ant problem.
Calvin asks an ant why he's working like a maniac. He asks what the colony has done for the ant lately. He says the ant doesn't owe anybody anything. He tells the ant to discover himself and express his individuality. Calvin says if they listen, it should solve their ant problem.

ch950614: Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values, so I harass him with mine.
Dad answers the phone at his office. Calvin says it's nice outside. He tells Dad to climb a tree and goof off. He hangs up. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Dad harasses him with his values, he'll harass Dad with his.

ch950615: Look! I caught a butterfly! If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
Calvin shows Hobbes a butterfly he caught and put in a jar. Hobbes tells him that if people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. Calvin looks at the jar, opens it and lets the butterfly out.

ch950616: AAAAAAA. You're awake? Oh boy! Let's go! N-no c-coffee f-for m-me, th-thanks. Hehh hoo hehh
An eye opens to see Hobbes directly in front. Calvin is startled awake by Hobbes. Hobbes says that since he's awake, they can go play. Still jittery from the experience, Calvin says he doesn't need any coffee.

ch950617: Why does ice float? Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes on top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun. Is that true? Look it up and find out. I should just look stuff up in the first place. You can learn a lot, talking to me.
Calvin asks Dad why ice floats. Dad says ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer the sun. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad tells him to look it up and find out. Calvin unhappily walks away saying he should just look stuff up in the first place. Dad says you can learn a lot talking to him.

ch950618: We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
A stick person walks along. He sees something, turns around and runs. A stick animal comes up behind the stick person, jumps up and tackles the stick person. The stick animal eats the head of the stick person and walks away. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes gave him the story idea. He tells Dad to flip the pages again.

ch950619: I cleaned and oiled your bicycle, Calvin. What do you say I take some time and help you learn how to ride it? NOOOOOO!! You're welcome. Mom! Mom! Dad HATES me!
Dad has cleaned and oiled the bicycle. He asks Calvin if he'd like to learn to ride it. Calvin runs away in horror, yelling no. Dad says he's welcome. Calvin tells Mom that Dad hates him.

ch950620: I've got the bike, Calvin. It's not going anywhere. I can feel it's going to throw me! Get ready to yank its wheels off! Just relax. I've got you. How can I relax? I'm uninsured and unarmed! I'm as good as head! Push back on the pedals. That's your brake, OK? Yes, well, that was fun! Thanks for the lesson! Get back here. No, really, I think I've got it! You can sell the bike now.
Dad holds the bike with Calvin on it. Calvin says the bike is getting ready to throw him off. Dad tells him to relax. Calvin says he can't relax. He's uninsured and unarmed. Dad tells Calvin how to apply the brakes. Calvin thanks Dad for the lesson and runs off. Dad tells him to come back. Calvin says he has it, and that Dad can sell the bike now.

ch950621: The trick to balancing is to have a little forward momentum. AAA! No momentum! No momentum! Just pedal slowly. I'm holding the bike, so you won't fall. You'll let go and the bike will launch me into the ionosphere! Trust me, OK? TRUST you? I hardly KNOW you! I'm your father!? What, for six years?! When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going along!
Dad tells Calvin the trick to balancing on a bike is to have momentum. Calvin wants no momentum. Dad says with him holding the bike, Calvin can't fall. Calvin says he'll let go, and the bike will launch him into the ionosphere. Dad tells Calvin to trust him. Calvin replies he hardly knows Dad. He's only known Dad for six years. he offers to see how things are going when he's forty.

ch950622: Look, Calvin, you've got to relax a little. Your balance will be better if you're loose. I can't help it! Imminent death makes me tense! I admit it! You need a goal. Concentrate on your goal. My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt! OK, that's not a good goal. WELL I'M NOT CHANGING IT!
Dad tells Calvin to relax in order to improve him balance on the bicycle. Calvin says imminent death makes him tense. Dad tells Calvin to concentrate on a goal. Calvin's goal is to dismantle the bike and mail each piece to a different country so it can't be rebuilt. Dad says that isn't a good goal. Calvin says he isn't changing it.

ch950623: Think about the places you can go once you learn how to ride! AAAAA. Think about how impressed your friends will be! Think about how much fun you'll have! AAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAA. Think about inhaling. EEEP ahhh...
Dad tells Calvin to think of the places he can ride when he learns how to ride a bicycle. He tells Calvin to think how his friends will be impressed. All this time, Calvin is yelling with his eyes wide open. Dad tells him to think about inhaling.

ch950624: Ooh, it doesn't look like the bike lesson went so good. It didn't. Dad LIKES riding his bike! He doesn't understand what it's like for me! I HATE flipping over the bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine! Is that what happened? No, I tripped coming up the stairs.
Calvin is all scratched and bruised. Hobbes says it looks like the bike lesson didn't go so well. Calvin complains that Dad like riding his bike, so he doesn't understand what it's like for Calvin. He says he hates flipping over bars, getting chased around the yard, and getting mowed down by a demonic machine. Hobbes asks if that's what happened. Calvin tells him no. He tripped coming up the stairs.

ch950625: Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
Calvin answers the doorbell. The bike comes into the house and chases Calvin. Over the sofa they go, up the stairs. Calvin hides temporarily in the bathroom as the bike goes down the hall. He holds the bike off with a chair as he backs out his bedroom window. He closes the window and says the bike can't get him now. Downstairs, someone yells there are tire tracks on the rugs and oil on the couch. Another voice asks where Calvin is. Outside on the roof, Calvin says someday neighbors will look out and wonder why there is a grown man wearing kids' clothes on their roof.

ch950626: Darn ol' rain.
Outside, it is raining. Inside, Calvin sits in a chair holding a kite. The kite is being kept aloft by a fan.

ch950627: It's not summer if your tongue isn't purple.
Calvin is eating a sucker. He looks into the mirror. He says it isn't summer if your tongue isn't purple.

ch950628: What does it mean when someone says to "Give it the ol' college try"? It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow. That's not what it means! Where did YOU go to college? Never mind.
Calvin asks Dad what it means when someone says they'll "give it the ol' college try". Dad tells him you join your friends, get cheap beer, eat a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Mom says that isn't what it means. Dad asks where she went to college.

ch950629: CAAAAAAALLLLLLVVINNNNN, THAAAAAT'S EEENOUUGHHH. M-mom s-sure was m-movingg st-strangellly t-toddayy. Maybe she's right about how much sugar you put on that cereal.
Mom is shaking while she tells Calvin that's been enough. Outside, Calvin is shaking. He tells Hobbes that Mom was moving strangely today. Hobbes tells him that she might be right about how much sugar he puts on his cereal.

ch950630: Frank appraisal of your looks 50c. Any business? Not so far. But I'm giving out lots of free samples.
Calvin sits at a box labeled "Frank Appraisal of Your Looks". Hobbes asks if he's had any business. Calvin says no, but that he's giving lots of free samples.

ch950701: What a lovely day for a hike! It's not so bad THIS way! No, we won't carry you. Stop griping. This is so much work!
Mom and Dad are hiking. Calvin bounces along behind them on a chair, saying it's not so bad this way. Dad says they won't carry Calvin. He trudges along, saying this is so much work.

ch950702: Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Stupidopolis is a thriving coastal city built near a fault line. A giant wave crashes into the city. Calvin is laughing on the beach. Dad asks Mom why Calvin builds everything so close to the water. He says it's stupid. Mom says Calvin doesn't seem to mind doing it over and over.

ch950703: Look at this! Mom got me a book from the library. That's nice. NICE?!? It's SUMMER! I only get three short months to goof off! I'm not going to waste these precious days reading BOOKS! Summers are for vegetating! That's why the TV shows are reruns and the movies are sequels! No wonder the flies come out. Heck, everyone KNOWS it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
Mom got Calvin a book from the library. Calvin complains to Hobbes that it's summer. With only three months to goof off, he's not wasting precious days reading books. He says summers are for vegetating. He says everyone knows it's not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.

ch950704: Hey, are you reading that book Mom got from the library? Mm-hmm. Is it good? Do you like it? Is it exciting? Are you having fun? Shh. HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE FUN WHEN IT'S SO QUIET?!?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's reading the library book Mom had gotten for Calvin. Hobbes is engrossed in reading it. Calvin asks if it's good, if it's exciting, if he's having fun. Hobbes quietly sits reading. Calvin yells at him asking how it could be fun when it's so quiet.

ch950705: While you're reading that boring book, I'M going to go do something fun. OK. I'll be having the time of my life, while you're sitting here yawning and wishing you were... AIEE! I'll just kind of read over your shoulder, OK? No. Go do something fun.
Calvin says he's going to do something fun while Hobbes reads the library book. Calvin crosses his arms and says he'll be having the time of his life, while Hobbes will wish he was. Suddenly, Hobbes is startled by something in the book. Calvin wants to read over Hobbes' shoulder. Hobbes holds the book closer and tells Calvin to do something fun.

ch950706: I read this library book you got me. What did you think of it? It really made me see things differently. It's given me a lot to think about. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's complicating my life. Don't get me any more.
Calvin hands Mom the library book she had gotten. He says he read it. Mom asks what Calvin thought of it. Calvin tells her it made him see things differently. He has a lot to think about. Mom says she's glad he enjoyed it. Calvin tells her it's complicating his life and not to get him any more.

ch950707: I'm writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they're systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It's a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight! How cynically unconstructive. Enmity sells.
Calvin is writing a fund-raising letter. He tells Hobbes the secret is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. You explain how they're destroying everything you hold dear. It's a war of values. Rational discussion is hopeless. We need your money to keep up the fight. Hobbes says that's cynically unconstructive. Calvin informs him that enmity sells.

ch950708: Happiness 10c. What do you give people for their ten cents? A water balloon in the kisser! You take their money and then soak them with a water balloon?? Right. Whose happiness are we talking about? Who went to all this trouble?!
Calvin sits at a box marked that happiness is for sale for ten cents. Hobbes asks what Calvin gives people for their ten cents. Calvin says he gives a water balloon right in the kisser. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin takes their money, then hits them with a water balloon. He asks whose happiness they're talking about. Calvin asks who went to all the trouble.

ch950709: It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Mom picks up the two tons of tenderloin from the butcher. She stands with a chainsaw in her hand, calling Calvin for lunch. A tyrannosaurus stands behind Mom saying he likes mustard, not mayonnaise. Mom says maybe he should fix his own triceratops sandwich.

ch950710: How tall are you?
Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin ties a water balloon to a string. He drops it so it hangs down. He thinks, then runs inside the house. He asks Dad how tall he is.

ch950711: OK, the map says to turn left at this tree and walk 30 paces. ...29 ...30. What's here? My map shows a big hole. Wouldn't it be faster to make the MAP to conform to the YARD? Are you in some sort of hurry?
Calvin is dressed like an explorer. He tells Hobbes the map says to turn left at the tree and walk thirty paces. They do, and Hobbes asks what's there. Calvin says the map shows a big hole. They start digging, and Hobbes asks if it wouldn't be faster to make the map conform to the yard. Calvin asks if he's in a big hurry.

ch950712: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DARN SMART!
Susie gets her raincoat and hat on. She gets her umbrella, opens it, and walks along. Behind a tree with several water balloons, Calvin yells to Susie. He asks her if she thinks she's so darn smart.

ch950713: Art isn't about ideas. It's about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding your work. You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Right. I'm a suburban post-modernist. Aren't we all. I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me.
Calvin tells Hobbes art isn't about ideas, it's about style. Calvin says the most crucial career decision is to pick a good "ism" so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding the work. Hobbes says Calvin does goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Calvin says he's a suburban post-modernist. He says he was going to be a neo-deconstructivist, but Mom wouldn't let him.

ch950714: Times are tough for us suburban post-modernists. How so? Well, people seem to be reluctant to pay for sidewalk drawings that stay where they are and wash away in the rain. And nowadays, nobody wants tax money to support art, and corporates won't underwrite me because I'm not famous enough to advertise their cultural enlightenment. Couldn't you support your art with another job? What, you mean WORK?
Calvin complains that life is tough for suburban post-modernists. People seem reluctant to pay for drawings that wash away in the rain. Nobody wants tax money to support art. Corporations won't underwrite him because he's not famous enough. Hobbes asks if he could support his art with another job. Calvin is indignant that Hobbes would suggest work.

ch950715: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible, and is therefore full of deep significance. You misspelled "Weltanschauung". A good artist's statement says more than his art ever does.
As Calvin draws on the sidewalk, he tells Hobbes people make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. He says art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. He hands Hobbes an artist's statement. It explains his work is incomprehensible and therefore full of deep significance.

ch950716: Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Calvin and Hobbes see a snake. Hobbes asks if it's poisonous. Calvin wonders how you know. Hobbes suggests that if it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. They watch it move along, wondering how it glides. Calvin sees it flicking its tongue and wonders why they smell with their tongue. Hobbes asks if they have eyelids. Calvin wonders how it swallows something bigger than its own head. Hobbes says that Mom might get them a book so they'd know the answers. As they run to the house, Calvin stops. It's summer, and he's on vacation. He doesn't want to learn anything. Hobbes says if nobody makes him do it, it counts as fun. With that, Calvin and Hobbes get a book and learn about snakes.

ch950717: Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's the one thing we know for sure in this world. But I'm still going to gripe about it.
Rolling down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That's one thing they know for sure in this world. He continues saying he's still going to gripe about it.

ch950718: PLOOSH. How can something seem so plausible at the same time so idiotic in retrospect?
Calvin tosses a water balloon into the air and runs to catch it. PLOOSH! Calvin's covered with water. He walks away asking how something seems so plausible at the time and so idiotic in retrospect.

ch950719: I refuse to take out the garbage! I have the right to do whatever I want all the time! No you don't. I don't? Well it sure OUGHT to be a right.
Calvin refuses to take out the garbage. He says he has the right to do whatever he wants, all the time. Dad says he doesn't. As Calvin drags the garbage bag outside, he says it sure ought to be a right.

ch950720: BU-UURRPPP. THPTHH! PHTBT! THBBPPTT! BU-UURRRPP. What are you doing? I'm hoping there's a mockingbird around.
Calvin belches. He blows on his hands to make a bodily sound. He burps again. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin cheerfully says he's hoping there's a mockingbird around.

ch950721: RRIINGG RRINGG. Hello? No, my Dad's not here right now. Will I take a message? I don't know - what's in it for ME? People always assume you're some kind of altruist.
Calvin answers the phone. He tells the caller that Dad isn't there right now. When asked if he'd take a message, Calvin asks what's in it for him. As he walks off, he says people always assume you're some kind of altruist.

ch950722: Oh, just so you know... I am the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, captain of the high altutude tree branch vista club, second place finisher in the 'round the yard backward dash, premier burper state division, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud ad mayhem society! Busy day? About usual. Want to hear what Hobbes is?
Calvin tells Dad that he's the downhill tumble and roll champ, king of the toad finders, premier burper, sodbuster and worm scout first order, and generalissimo of the mud and mayhem society. Dad asks if it was a busy day. Calvin says it was about usual and asks if Dad wants to know what Hobbes is.

ch950723: Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Calvin slowly walks in the heat. He starts to melt. Finally, he is a puddle of water. The puddle evaporates in the heat. The evaporation creates a cloud that starts raining. Calvin is revitalized and runs off naked. Mom finds his clothes on the sidewalk and says "not again".

ch950724: People ask why we tolerate a popular culture that celebrates violence and depravity. Because it's entertaining, that's why! If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it! Let the business respond to consumer demand! The customer is always right. Shock and titillate me! I've got money!
As Calvin watches television, he tells Hobbes people ask why they tolerate a culture that celebrates violence. He says it's because it's entertaining. He goes on to say that if warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it. The business should respond to customer demand. Hobbes says that the customer is always right. Calvin calls for them to shock and titillate him, he's got money.

ch950725: Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Why don't they see things of beauty and value? Because boring stuff doesn't sell. Such vision and integrity. There's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
Calvin says popular culture isn't responsible for selling twisted values. He says movies and television reflect the reality of their times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Hobbes asks why they don't see things of beauty and value. Calvin informs him that boring stuff doesn't sell. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that shows such vision and integrity. Calvin says that there's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.

ch950726: Another thing to remember about popular culture is that today's TV-reared audience is hip and sophisticated. This stuff doesn't affect us. We can separate fact from fiction. We understand satire and irony. We're detached and jaded viewers who aren't influenced by what we watch. I think I hear advertisers laughing. Hold on, I need to inflate my basketball shoes.
Calvin informs Hobbes that since today's audience is so hip and sophisticated, they aren't affected by culture. They can separate fact from fiction. They're detached and jaded viewers not influenced by what they watch. Hobbes holds his ear and says he thinks he hears advertisers laughing. Calvin has to inflate his basketball shoes.

ch950727: Onward came the meteors!
Calvin builds a city in the sandbox. He leaves and picks up some large rocks. He stands on the edge of the sandbox, saying the meteors are coming.

ch950728: Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around, the high-pitched noise they make, their pesky size... everything about them is annoying! ... said the hyperactive, whiny, small child.
Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs get on his nerves. He says the way they zip around, their high-pitched noise, their pesky size, everything about them is annoying. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says "said the hyperactive, whiny, small child". Angrily, Calvin chases Hobbes.

ch950729: I want you to pick up your room today, OK? Do I get paid? No. If I don't get paid, how do I know it's important?! You can trust a monther on that.
Mom tells Calvin she'd like him to pick up his room. Calvin asks if he'll get paid. Mom says no. Calvin asks how he knows it's important if he doesn't get paid. Mom clarifies that you can trust a mother on that.

ch950730: Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Going down the hill in the sled, Calvin says they all want to live meaningful lives. They look for meaning in everything they do. He asks Hobbes to suppose there is no meaning, that life is fundamentally absurd. He asks Hobbes to suppose there's no reason, truth, or rightness in anything. As they sail off the edge of the hill into the air, he asks Hobbes what if nothing really matters. Hobbes covers his eyes and says there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Tumbling through the air, Calvin ponders whether it would be worse if everything mattered.

ch950731: MY water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking! YOUR water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw the slightest distance! The advantage is clearly mine! Do you surrender?
Calvin shows Hobbes that his water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking. He tells Hobbes that his water balloon is long and floppy, impossible to throw accurately. He says the advantage is his and asks Hobbes if he surrenders. Hobbes unties the end of his water balloon and shoots the water at Calvin.

ch950801: Hey, there's no butter in the butter dish! My toast will get cold while I get another stick from the fridge! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!? Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.
Spreading butter on his toast, Calvin notices there is no butter on the dish. He says his toast will get cold while he gets another stick from the refrigerator. He complains that he's suffered enough. He asks where it will all end. As he walks by, he sees Mom and Dad looking at him. Calvin calls them Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.

ch950802: I'm glad you're getting some exercise. Keep that heart rate up. Dad can take the fun out of ANYthing.
Calvin jumps through the sprinkler. Dad tells him that he's glad he's getting some exercise. He tells Calvin to keep his heart rate up. Calvin says Dad can take the fun out of anything.

ch950803: I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
Calvin has a hammer. He can put things together or knock them apart. He can alter his environment at will and make a din all the while. He says it's great to be a male.

ch950804: Vampire bugs! Run for your life! They're called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood, you don't turn into one?
Horrified, Calvin runs by complaining about vampire bugs. Dad says they're called mosquitos. Calvin asks if you don't turn into one if they drink your blood.

ch950805: When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the other guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win! Conversations aren't contests! OK, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when a person pauses in mid-sentence, that's the best time to jump in and change the topic. He says it's like an interception in football. The more sentences you complete, the higher your score. He says the idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own. That's how you win. Hobbes complains that conversations aren't contests. Calvin says that's a point for Hobbes, but he's still ahead.

ch950806: You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
It's bedtime. Calvin pushes a button on the wall. He is sprung to hands that remove his shirt, past another pair of hands that remove his underwear, down a chute that drops him into the bathtub. He gets out and towels himself dry. Down a trap door, where his pajamas are put on. Down into bed he goes. Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin says he hates getting ready for bed.