Calvin and Hobbes: 1994

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ch940101: What the...?? I'm not playing with a full deck! That's what some people say. Really? Then why didn't somebody go buy some new cards?! HEY!!
Calvin looks through his playing cards and tells Hobbes he isn't playing with a full deck. Hobbes agrees. Calvin walks off, saying someone should buy new cards. Later that night, in bed, Calvin realizes what Hobbes' comment indicated.

ch940102: Ready? OFF WE GO-O!! WEEEEE AAAAAA WHOAAAA OOH AH EE ACK OW WAAUGH! OOMFF UGH HOOF HUHH YAAAAAA WO WO WO WO WO unggg. I think that was our best ride EVER! I kept closing my eyes. Let's do it again.
Calvin sleds down the hill. At the bottom, he straps on a rocket pack and blasts back to the top of the hill. Calvin pulls his sled back up the hill with a sigh.

ch940103: I resent the quality of network programming! It's all fluff, violence, sensationalism and sleaze! I hunger for serious, tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence! So turn off the stupid TV and read a book. All right, I lied. Sue me.
Calvin sits watching television. He says he resents the quality of network programming. He says it's all violence and sleaze. He hungers for tasteful entertainment that respects his intelligence. Dad comes by and tells Calvin to turn off the TV and read a book. Calvin continues to watch television. He says he lied, sue him.

ch940104: Why does he have a hot water bottle on his head? He's committing suicide.
Hobbes asks Calvin why his snowman has a hot water bottle on his head. Calvin replies he's committing suicide.

ch940105: I'll take one card. OK. I fold. Are you cheating?!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing cards. Hobbes takes one. His tail starts twitching. Calvin folds. Hobbes asks if Calvin is cheating.

ch940106: Incredibly, people NEVER expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. I'll see you in your room momentarily.
Mom and Dad are sitting by the fire, with their backs to Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes people never expect to get hit with a snowball in their own house. He readies two snowballs. Hobbes tells Calvin he'll see him in his room momentarily.

ch940107: If anyone hits me with a snowball, I'll hit HIM with 250 snowballs! What if somebody hits YOU with 250 snowballs? ...sighhh...
Calvin has a mountain of snowballs. He tells Hobbes that if anyone hits him with a snowball, he'll hit that person with 250 snowballs. Hobbes asks what happens if someone hits Calvin with 250 snowballs. Calvin looks at his mountain of snowballs. He sighs and keeps making more snowballs.

ch940108: This will by my strongest fort ever! With these massive walls, I'll be safe from any attack! HELLLP!!
Calvin builds his strongest fort ever. He makes tall walls, so he'll be safe from attack. From inside the fort, he realizes he can't get out. He yells for help.

ch940109: YAWNN... I'm going to get some coffee, Ted. Want any? No thanks, Frank. Tum te ta ta tum... BLAM! GAKK AIEEE!! They got Frank!! RUN. You got 'im! He's a big one, too! Nice shot, Bamb. Somebody get the camera! ... needless to say, Frank's family was upset when he didn't come home that night, but everybody understood that the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion, so some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Another parent-teacher conference. Your turn.
Calvin and Hobbes look for animal tracks in the new snow. Calvin notices bird and rabbit tracks. He sees the animals were chased by something. Calvin notices the big pads, so it might be a wolf. There are no claw impressions, so maybe it's a mountain lion. Or maybe Hobbes. Calvin says that explains the cold wet feet in bed that morning. Hobbes talks about how he felt the animals needed some exercise.

ch940110: I don't think the schools assign enough homework.
Dad comes home to see several snowmen in the yard. They are yelling while one is eaten by a giant snow monster. Dad doesn't think schools assign enough homework.

ch940111: Some kids at school got filthy rich today. Really? How? They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes some kids at school got filthy rich today. Hobbes asks how. Calvin says they grabbed him by the drinking fountain.

ch940112: Here, you'll probably want this pillow. What for? It's like an air bag. Hold it in front of your head like this as we go down. Don't you feel safer now? I certainly do.
On the toboggan, Calvin hands Hobbes a pillow. He tells Hobbes it's like an air bag. He tells Hobbes to hold it in front of his head, then shows how he's doing it. He asks Hobbes if he feels safer now. Hobbes gets off the toboggan and says yes.

ch940113: Yes! POW. Wasn't that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend would've been happy for me!
Calvin hits Hobbes with a snowball. He asks if Hobbes noticed what a great shot that was and if he noticed the top spin. Hobbes gets out of the snow angrily. Calvin's clothes are hanging from a tree branch out of reach. Calvin stands in his underwear in the snow. He says a real friend would have been happy for him.

ch940114: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, "What's wrong with this idiout?" But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Maybe they're not very self-aware. Boy, that's ANOTHER thing that gets on my nerves!
Calvin tells Hobbes that some people complain all the time. He goes on to say they never let things go. Those people drive Calvin nuts. He says they don't change the subject, and you wonder what's wrong with them. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says maybe they're not self-aware. Calvin says that's another thing that gets on his nerves.

ch940115: We need more extension cords.
Calvin sits on his sled with an electric fan behind him. Hobbes holds the end of the electric cord. He tells Calvin they need more extension cords.

ch940116: The courageous Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, lands on yet another bizarre planet! Setting his death ray blaster on "frappe", our hero sets off in search of alien weirdness! Zounds! A mysterious mist materializes out of nowhere! The fearless Spiff can't see a thing! ... so we add two to four... OUR HERE'S IN A TOTAL FOG! The atmosphere here is a... a... p-powerful se... se... sedative! Spiff can't keep his eyes o... open. KLUNK zzzzz. Our hero suddenly comes to!
Spaceman Spiff's craft plunges into the water. He climbs out swimming and is attacked by fish. Then a giant creature comes out of the water behind him. The creature asks if the water is too cold. Spiff says no. Mom leaves the bathroom saying he should stop his infernal screaming.

ch940117: OK, these are my footprints. Here I stop, hear something, and start to turn around. A few feet farther on, there's the impression of my body as I hit the ground. These are the powdered remains of the snowball that hit me. From the angle of particle dispersement, we can tell the snowball was thrown from over here, where we find... ...tiger tracks. Those could by ANYBODY's tiger tracks.
Calvin shows Hobbes his footprints in the snow. He shows an impression of his body when he hit the ground. He sees powdered remains of a snowball that hit him. He can tell the snowball was thrown from over by a tree, based on the angle of particle dispersement. He sees tiger tracks. Hobbes says those could be anybody's tiger tracks.

ch940118: POW! I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant. Some people sure can't take a compliment.
Calvin throws a snowball and hits Susie. As she marches over to him, he says the stinging snow makes her cheeks look radiant. As he lies in the snow, Calvin says some people can't take a compliment.

ch940119: Shrimp.
Calvin looks up as Dad walks by. He looks up as Mom walks by. He builds a tiny snowman. He looks down at it and calls it "shrimp".

ch940120: Circumstantial evidence, that's all you've got! You can't get a fair trial in this town.
Susie sees a snowball pass overhead. Several others come, some hitting her. She walks over to Calvin, who is standing next to a wheelbarrow. He tells her all she has is circumstantial evidence. As he lies in the snow, he says you can't get a fair trial in this town.

ch940121: I couldn't stand being a girl. I can't stand you either way. When guys grow up, they get to play with cards, sports equipment, cameras, stereos, electric tools... you name it. But girls don't get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad. I guess girls actually mature as they get older. I can't wait until I'm old enough to "putter around".
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Susie he couldn't stand being a girl. He says when guys grow up, they play with cars, stereos, you name it. Girls don't get toys when they grow up. They just buy clothes and shoes. He says that's sad. Susie guesses girls actually mature as they grow older.

ch940122: On the other hand, the neighbors keep planting nice been trees next to us.
Mom and Dad look at a snowman. It's holding a shrunken snow head, with others in a snow pot next to it. Mom comments that on the other hand, the neighbors keep planting big trees next to them.

ch940123: munch munch WHUNK! GAAAA!! GRRRRRRRR OOMF! munch munch. I'm still hungry. I fixed you a nice lunch. You can wait until dinner.
Calvin says a snowman looks unoriginal. He walks on to see one with female features. Calvin says provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something important. He critiques a snowman family he sees. Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard being the sole guardian of high culture as he makes a snow scene. Hobbes says talent like theirs carries enormous responsibilities. They have made a snow UFO with two snow aliens. A snowman lies decapitated as they add to the scene.

ch940124: Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create? Dad, I can't hear this commercial. If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
Dad tells Calvin their lives are filled with machines designed to reduce their work. Dad asks what they do with all their leisure. He asks Calvin if they educate themselves, explore, invent or create. Calvin tells Dad he can't hear a commercial on television. Calvin is booted out of the house. Calvin says if it were left up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.

ch940125: I KNOW I have hat hair, so you don't need to tell me. Actually, it's not that different.
Calvin comes into the house. He takes his boots, coat, and hat off. His hair is all messed up. As he comes up to Hobbes, Calvin says he knows he has hat hair, Hobbes doesn't need to tell him. Hobbes says it's not that different.

ch940126: See? if you jump right, you don't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.
Calvin has shoveled some holes on the sidewalk. Dad tries to step in the holes to get to the house. Calvin tells him that if he jumps right, Calvin doesn't need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.

ch940127: Test: 1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock? 1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
Calvin is taking a test. He answers a question, then adds that although he memorized a fact to pass a test question, he will forget it forever. He states they've taught him nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Calvin says they say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.

ch940128: 2. Where is Plymouth Rock? I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field. I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
Calvin looks at a test question. He answers he's not at liberty to divulge the information as it might compromise agents in the field. He says he understands his tests are popular reading in the teacher's lounge.

ch940129: Gimme a quarter, Twinky. Your simian countenance unusually rich in species diversity. What? Here you go. That was worth 25 cents.
Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin tells Moe his simian countenance suggests a heritage rich in species diversity. Moe wonders what that meant while Calvin gives him a quarter. Calvin walks off stating that was worth 25 cents.

ch940130: Hey, there's some sort of remote control gizmo in this drawer. I wonder what it does. Click. WAAA! Mom?? Dad??? CALVIN! SIGHHH. Calvin, that's very annoying.
Calvin is reading his school book. He walks away. Calvin the dinosaur stalks a diplodocus. He crouches in hiding, waiting for the surprise attack. The diplodocus gets closer to the trees. Mom opens a door. Calvin jumps out, yelling at her. She's terrified. Calvin sits reading his book again, wondering what's wrong with taking a little break.

ch940131: Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do?
Dad gets up from his chair and starts walking. He stops. He asks Mom why he can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but he can't remember what he got up to do.

ch940201: Eep! scritch scritch scritch scritch . You know, Mom blames ME for scuffing up the floor. I wish your parents would take out these floor boards and put down some sod.
Calvin looks behind him and is shocked. He jumps to the side as Hobbes skids by. Hobbes scratches at the floor for traction. He lands up against a desk, upside down. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom blames him for scuffing up the floor. Hobbes wishes Mom and Dad would take out the floorboards and put down some sod.

ch940202: Look, Mom, I made you some subtitles. Hmm? When you're talking to me, you choose the appropriate card to translate what you're saying, and prop it against your feet for me to read. For example, if you say "Go to bed NOW," you can use this card, which says, "You've got ten minutes until I blow my stack." See? Then I'll know what you mean. I don't need translation! I've even got subtitles for parentisms like "You're going to poke somebody's eye out with that."
Calvin makes Mom some subtitles. He explains she should choose the card to translate what she's saying and prop it against her feet for him to read. He gives an example of Mom saying for Calvin to go to bed now. The card states he has ten minutes until she blows her stack. Mom says she doesn't need translation. Calvin even has subtitles for parentisms like "you're going to poke someone's eye out with that".

ch940203: Why are you following me around? Why are you following me around? And why are you repeating what I say? And why are you repeating what I say? If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. If you're going to keep doing that, I just won't say anything. The incredibly annoying human echo strikes again!
Hobbes asks Calvin why he's following him around. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes asks why he repeats what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says if Calvin's going to do that, he won't say anything. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Calvin thinks the incredibly annoying human echo strikes again.

ch940204: Stop repeating everything I say.Stop repeating everything I say.Quit it. Quit it. I'm an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains! At least you have the courage to admit it. Sooner or later, everyone falls for that.
Hobbes tells Calvin to stop repeating what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to quit it. Calvin again repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes says he's an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains. Calvin says at least he has the courage to admit it. Pounded into the ground, Calvin says sooner or later, everyone falls for that.

ch940205: How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. OK then, just keep at it, Mr Annoying Human Echo. "We can a priori and prior to all given objects have a knowledge of those conditions on which alone experience of them is possible, but never of the laws to which things may in themselves be subject without reference to possible experience." We can ah peoria and ...um... snow down, what? Hold on. Thbbpbptt! Cheater.
Hobbes asks how much longer Calvin will repeat what he says. Calvin repeats what Hobbes said. Hobbes tells him to keep at it. Calvin repeats Hobbes' words. Hobbes reads from a book of philosophy. Calvin tries to copy what Hobbes is saying, but he can't keep up. Hobbes sticks out his tongue at Calvin. Calvin calls him a cheater.

ch940206: OOMF! Cat nap, noun: a quick, light doze in the manner of cats. I KNOW what it means!
Calvin plans to hit Susie with a slushball. Hobbes says some philosophers say true happiness comes from a life of virtue. Calvin thinks about it, and he drops the slushball. Calvin puts his toys away in his room. He does his homework and hands Mom a homemade card. Calvin shovels the sidewalk. He helps set the dinner plates and take out the garbage. He stops. He gets angry, runs outside, and hits Susie with a slushball. He tells Hobbes someday he'll write his own philosophy book. Hobbes thinks virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

ch940207: You'll never get ahead by lying around, you know? Who are we racing? Obviously, we're... um... well... uh... I'm too busy to explain this stuff! I've got important work to do! VERY important! Let me know if you win.
Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin says he'll never get ahead by lying around. Hobbes asks who they're racing. Calvin doesn't know what to say. He walks off, saying he's too busy to explain it. He has important work to do. Hobbes lies down and says to let him know if he wins.

ch940208: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?? Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN, I promise! Hmph. I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
Calvin yells to someone in the hallway at school. He says he'll have a blistering retort in a day or two. He grumbles. He wishes he could think of comeback lines on the spot.

ch940209: Your whiskers are too unruly. You should wax them and make a handlebar mustache. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. You'd think a guy who cleans humself with his tongue would be open to grooming suggestions.
Calvin tells Hobbes his whiskers are too unruly. He says Hobbes should wax them and make them into a handlebar mustache. Hobbes chases Calvin. Calvin darts around a corner saying a guy who cleans himself with his tongue should be open to grooming suggestions.

ch940210: Here's the latest poll on your performance as Dad. Your approval rating is pretty low, I'm afraid. That's because there's not necessarily any connection between what's good and what's popular. I do what's right, not what gets approval. You'll never kep the job with THAT attitude. If someone else offers to do it, let me know.
Dad's latest performance poll is pretty low. Dad says there's not a connection between what's good and what's popular. He does what's right, not what gets approval. Calvin tells him with that attitude, he'll never keep the job. Dad says if someone else offers to do it, to let him know.

ch940211: Test: 1. What important event took place on December 16, 1773? I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one, and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question, therefore, is meaningless and impossible to answer. When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.
Calvin reads a test question. He answers he doesn't believe in linear time. There is no past or future. He states the question is meaningless and impossible to answer. He says when in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.

ch940212: YAAAAA. RRRRRR. OK, it's harder than it looks. Goodness, how did you guys ever live long enough to invent tools?
Calvin sneaks up behind Hobbes and attacks. He jumps on Hobbes' back and scratches. As he gets down, he tells Hobbes it's harder than it looks. Hobbes wonders how mankind ever lived long enough to invent tools.

ch940213: The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
Calvin gets a valentine card in the mail. Hobbes tells him to read it. Calvin reads a love poem from Susie. Hobbes torments Calvin, saying there are muchas smooches for El Conkisstador. Calvin thinks this is a nightmare, while Hobbes shouts that Susie and Calvin love each other. Calvin wonders what to do. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Calvin gets a slushball and pelts Susie with it. He says that's what he thinks about her valentine card. Susie didn't send him a card. Susie runs off. Calvin wonders who did send it. Hobbes is singing "Matchmaker". Calvin realizes Hobbes tricked him. He chases Hobbes. Hobbes says love makes the world go round. Calvin threatens that Hobbes will see stars go round.

ch940214: I wish I had amazing super powers. If you work and study real hard for years and years, you could develop the powers you already have. Maybe I can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates me into a living liquid. Try to find one that mutates you into someone with a work ethic.
Calvin wishes he had super powers. Dad says if he works and studies real hard, he could develop powers he already has. Calvin wonders if he can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates him into a living liquid. Dad suggests he find one that mutates him into someone with a work ethic.

ch940215: Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.
Calvin and Hobbes build snowmen. One has a golf club and is ready to hit his head on the ground. One looks as though he dove off a springboard head first into the snow. Another snowman, has a tennis racket stuck through his head. Calvin says Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.

ch940216: DING DONG. Heh heh heh. Oh! Oop! ...um... Hi, Mrs. Derkins. I was hoping Susie would answer the ...uh... I mean, um, I'm selling huge snowballs. Would you like to buy one? My "Plan A's" are great, but my "Plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.
Calvin rings Susie's doorbell with a big snowball. He lifts it to hit Susie when she opens the door. Susie's Mom answers. Calvin tries to cover up by saying he's selling snowballs. Calvin walks off saying his "plan A's" are great, but his "plan B's" leave a lot to be desired.

ch940217: POW! LOOK OUT! My snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. They do not, you big liar!
Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. After it hits, he yells to look out. Hobbes says his snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. Calvin, covered with snow, says they do not and calls Hobbes a liar.

ch940218: I wish this sled had a speedometer so we could know how fast we're going. I suppose we could measure the hill, time our descent, calculate our rate in feet per minute, and convert that into miles per hour. That sounds like math. Um, yes. Suddenly I stopped caring.
Going down the hill on their sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had a speedometer to know how fast they go. Hobbes suggests they measure the hill, time the descent, and calculate the speed. Calvin says that sounds like math. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells Hobbes he suddenly stopped caring.

ch940219: What's THIS snowman? He's a paleontologist. He's looking for cretaceous snow dinosaurs. Why does he look so sad? He realized that snow doesn't fissilize. It just melts. Your nowmen lead tragic lives. Well, they're not very bright.
Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman paleontologist. Hobbes asks why the snowman looks sad. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman just realized snow doesn't fossilize. It just melts. Hobbes says Calvin's snowmen lead tragic lives. Calvin says they're not too bright.

ch940220: Get going or you'll miss the school bus. Uh... greetings. My name is Calvin. POOF. Grittings. Ma name is Kahlfin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Um... yes! Well Calvin, here's your lunchbox. Have a good day at school. Hoffa gud tay. Lunboks. Hi Calvin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Heeryor lunkboks. Hoffa gut tay askool. Calvin's principal says to say hello. Huh boy. It troo! Dat darn Kahlfun stole ma spacechip!
Two superheroes, one man and one woman, are fighting. He hits her, while she blasts him with a distortion blaster. Calvin stops reading his comic book and walks off in a daze. He turns on television. Mom turns it off and tells Calvin there is too much violence on TV. She tells him to read something.

ch940221: CALVIN, I'M LATE FOR WORK!
A large group of snowmen are set up crossing the yard and the driveway. Dad can't get the car down the driveway. He yells to the house to Calvin. He yells that he's late for work.

ch940222: How much is that tiger in the window? The one who does nothing but sleep? We'll spread him out flat in the rec room and have a new rug if he's cheap!
Hobbes is lying down. Calvin sings about the tiger in the window sleeping. He sings they'll spread him flat in the rec room and have a new rug. Calvin laughs and walks away. Hobbes tackles him.

ch940223: Yes, Calvin? Why aren't you teaching us the gender of nouns? Is "desk" masculine? Is "chair" feminine? Foreign kids know, but WE don't! No wonder we can't compete in a global market! I demand sex education. ...I wonder if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
Calvin asks the Miss Wormwood why she isn't teaching them the genders of nouns. He asks if a desk is masculine and a chair feminine. He says it's no wonder why they can't compete in a global market. He demands sex education. Calvin asks if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.

ch940224: YAWWW. Trifle not with tired tigers.
Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Hobbes yawns, showing his fangs. He stretches his claws. Calvin walks away, saying to trifle not with tired tigers.

ch940225: I bet I can knock Dad's hat off with this snowball. I bet you can't/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. You're on, fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy, five inches higher would've done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2,500 so far.
Calvin bets he can knock Dad's hat off with a snowball. Hobbes bets a hundred dollars he can't. Calvin tosses the snowball. In bed later, Calvin grumbles that five inches higher would have done it. He says Hobbes always gets him in trouble. Hobbes reminds Calvin he owes him $2500 so far.

ch940226: Why should OTHER people benefit from MY hard work?
Calvin is shoveling. As he digs, he puts the snow behind him where he's already dug. Calvin asks why other people should benefit from his hard work.

ch940227: Ah, what a lovely day to go sailing, eh Marsha? Our new boat is just wonderful, Bradley. What do you say we drop anchor and go for a swim, dearest? That sounds delightful, darling! Let's go! Ploosh ploosh. AAA!! AAA!! This lake is boiling hot! We're getting scalded!! Get out of the water! AA! OW! AA! OW! I've got second degree burns all over! What kind of lake IS this?! We need medical attention, Bradley! Pull up the anchor! Bradley, we're going the wrong way! I can't help it, Marsha! The wind is blowing us over here, toward the... the... THE WATERFALL! OH NO! AAAAA! BLUB BLUB! AAAA! GLUB GLUB GLUB! Help, help! The wind is picking up again! Hang on! We're flying right out of the water! Don't look don, Marsh! We're miles high! Uh oh! The wind suddenly stopped!! AAAAaaaaaaaa. We ... we're alive! Somehow we landed in another lake! But where ARE we?? I have a bad feeling about this, Bradley. IT'S A GIGANTIC WHIRLPOOL!! WE'RE GOING DOWN! WAAAAAA!! Here's the problem. That'll be $150. Somebody ELSE is going to pay for this too.
Calvin comes home, opens the door, gets a camera out of a box, then yells that he's home. As Hobbes pounces on him, he takes a picture. He shows Dad a picture of Hobbes leaping at him and says that's what Hobbes does when he comes home. Later, Hobbes is insulted to know Dad thinks Calvin tossed Hobbes into the air for the picture. Calvin says he has to get a video camera.

ch940228: Should I stay inside or go out? It's awfully cold out, but I suppose I could bundle up. It looks windy though. But still, I'd like to go sledding. Then again, maybe I'd rather stay in. On the other hand... GO OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR! The more indecisive I am, the faster things get decided.
Calvin opens the door to see snow outside. He asks if he should stay inside or go out. He holds the door open while wondering if he could bundle up for the cold. He says he'd like to go sledding. Calvin wonders if he should stay in. He gets kicked out the door. Outside the house, Calvin says the more indecisive he is, the faster things get decided.

ch940301: I like following the news! News organizations know I won't sit still for any serious discussion of complex and boring issues. They give me what I want: antics, emotional confrontation, sound bites, scandal, sob stories and popularity polls all packaged as a soap opera and horse race! It's very entertaining. Then commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. You can tell this is an in-depth story, because it's got an article next to the chart.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes following the news. He says they give him what he wants: antics, sound bites, scandal and popularity polls packaged as a soap opera. He says it's entertaining. Hobbes says commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. Calvin says you can tell this is an in-depth story because it's got an article next to the chart.

ch940302: I saw a sing on a restaurant door that said, "No shirt, no shoes, no service." But it didn't say anything about PANTS! If I went in wearing shoes and a shirt, but no pants, they'd have to serve me! They'd probably serve you with a court summons. C'mon, let's see if Mom will take us out for dinner!
Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a sign that said "no shirt, no shoes, no service". He goes on to say it didn't say anything about pants. He thinks they'd have to serve him if he had shoes and a shirt, but no pants. Hobbes thinks they'd serve him with a court summons. Calvin pulls off his pants and asks Hobbes to join him to see if Mom will take them out for dinner.

ch940303: There! Whatcha doin'? I've hidden a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard! Now when my enemies come after me, I need only run to the nearest tree to be instantly armed. Ingenious. Now I need to make some enemies. I'll be one.
Calvin has a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard. He tells Hobbes when his enemies come for him, he just has to run to the nearest tree to be armed. He says he needs to make some enemies. Behind his back, Hobbes grabs a snowball and says he'll be one.

ch940304: It offends the human ego that nature is indifferent to us. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It refuses to be tamed. It does whatever it wants and acts like people don't matter. It won't confirm our right to be here. That drives people crazy. We can't stand being ignored. It's insulting and ... hey! YAWWNN. I think that's also why some people don't like cats.
Calvin tells Hobbes it offends human ego that nature is indifferent to them. Nature doesn't care if people live or die. It acts like people don't care. He tells Hobbes that drives people crazy. They can't stand being ignored. Hobbes yawns and walks away. Calvin says that's also why some people don't like cats.

ch940305: I'm writing a novel. What's it about? It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW!
Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a novel. It's about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. Hobbes walks off, and Calvin yells after him that they say to write what you know.

ch940306: Look at all the stars! The universe just goes out forever and ever! It kind of makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big screaming deal. That's why we stay inside with our appliances.
Calvin looks at his green dinner. It stands up, speaking Hamlet's soliloquy. When he finishes, the dinner sits on the plate. Calvin blinks. The dinner stands up singing "Feelings". Mom takes the plate away, saying Calvin ate that right up. She asks if he liked it. Calvin tells her not to have it ever again.

ch940307: Take out your math homework and pass it forward, class. Boy, It's a good thing I did it. Huh?? My answers! They're running away! Come back! My homework paper!
The teacher asks for the class math papers. Calvin pulls it out, but the numbers jump off the page. He yells for the answers to come back. The paper catches fire.

ch940308: My homework exploded! Somebody pull the fire alarm! Help!! It's out of control! It's spreading! Aughh! Put it out!! Young man, I'm tired of these constant disruptions! It's not my fault! It was an accident! Maybe THIS will teach you a lesson! Ha ha ha! No! No! Ackk! Help! Get the PTA! Miss Wormwood's an alien!
Calvin yells that his paper exploded. He says it's spreading as he tries to put the fire out. Miss Wormwood says she's tired of his constant disruptions. Calvin pleads that it was an accident. Miss Wormwood is a monster who pours gasoline on Calvin and says this will teach him a lesson. Calvin yells for help.

ch940309: I'm doomed! It's too late! Nothing can save me now! I'm going down in flames! AAAAAAA
Calvin says nothing can save him now. He jumps, burning, from the desk. He falls from high above the city.

ch940310: AAAA GAAA!! Hehh... hoo... hah... hehh... ...it was just a dream... my homework didn't explode. I'm not... MY HOMEWORK! I FORGOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I wish he'd sleep outside.
Calvin plunges toward the ground. He wakes up from sleep. He's glad it was just a dream and his homework didn't explode. He realizes, though, that he didn't do his homework.

ch940311: Hobbes, wake up! I forgot to do my math homework! It's two in the morning. But Miss Wormwood's going to collect it tomorrow! If I don't have it, she'll kill me! I had a nightmare about it! C'mon, we'll have to do the assignment now, while there's still time! This feels like a nightmare too. Do you think if we woke up Mom, she'd let us have coffee?
Calvin wakes Hobbes up to say he hasn't done his homework. He says he'll get killed if he doesn't do it. He had a nightmare about it. He hops down from bed, saying they'll have to do it now. Sleepily, Hobbes says this feels like a nightmare. Calvin asks if Hobbes if he thinks Mom would let him have coffee.

ch940312: Wow, listen to the wind howl. It's really snowing! Pretty creepy. Things are ALWAYS creepy at 2:00am. Hey, I'll bet tomorrow's a snow day! I'll bet they close the schools! Let's call the superintendent and see! If tomorrow's a snow day, we can go right back to bed! ...or maybe we will anyway. Who IS this?!? You have two seconds to improve my mood.
Calvin notices how creepy it is with the snow and wind blowing. Hobbes says it's always creepy at 2:00 AM. He bets tomorrow is a snow day. He decides to call the superintendent to see. He says if tomorrow is a snow day, they can go right back to bed. As Calvin is on the phone, Dad comes up behind him. Calvin sees him and thinks maybe they will be going back to bed right away.

ch940313: No text
Calvin show Hobbes some trash dumped outside. He says people seem to forget others have to live on the planet. Calvin doesn't understand why humans evolved as thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Hobbes says it can't stay that way forever. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks they'll get smarter. Hobbes says that's one of the two possibilities. Calvin stops and thinks. He says maybe they'll stop polluting before it's too late. Hobbes says they're all holding their breath.

ch940314: Time to get up, Calvin. Is it a snow day? Did they close the schools? I've got the radio on, so we'll hear. Get ready anyway, though. Oh man, I hope I hope I hope. If school's closed, I'll have the whole day to do the math homework I forgot yesterday. If school's open, I'm in big trouble. Suddenly I feel extremely religious. Another deathbed conversion.
Mom wakes Calvin. He asks if the school is closed for snow. She says the radio is on. She tells him to get ready. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll have the whole day to do his homework if school is closed. Calvin glances up and says he suddenly feels religious. Hobbes says it's another deathbed conversion.

ch940315: Ha ha! They just announced the schools are closed! It's a snow day! WHEEEEEEE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Talk about luck! Now you can do your homework and you won't get in trouble! Right, but there's over two feet of snow that requires our immediate and undivided attention. First things first. Math will still be there when the snow melts.
Calvin is overjoyed a snow day was declared. Hobbes says Calvin can now do his homework and not get into trouble. Calvin says there are over two feet of snow requiring their immediate attention. As they trudge through the snow, Hobbes says "first things first". Calvin says math will be there when snow melts.

ch940316: Don't you think you'd enjoy this more if you did your math assignment first, so it wasn't hanging over your head? I'm a practical man, Hobbes. I don't waste time thinking about hypothetical situations. I heal with the world here and now. And the incontrovertible fact is that I'm outside in the snow! THAT's reality! THAT's what I think about! Tomorrow's a reality too. Hypothetically, it might be another snow day.
As they play, Hobbes asks Calvin if he'd enjoy playing more if his homework was done. Calvin says he doesn't waste his time thinking about hypothetical situations. He says the fact is that he's outside. That's reality and what he thinks about. Hobbes says tomorrow is a reality, also. Hypothetically, Calvin says, it might be another snow day.

ch940317: What a busy day! I'm pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear, so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish I'd done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish I'd done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now it's too late. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Hobbes yawns after a busy day. Calvin says the roads are clear, so they'll probably have school tomorrow. Now he wishes he had done his math homework instead of playing outside all day...or after dinner...or instead of watching TV. Now it's too late. He says a day can slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.

ch940318: Oh, I wish I'd done my math homework! Now the teacher's going to collect it and I'm as good as dead! Why did I do this to meyself?! I even had an extra day to get it done! Instead, I goofed off and now I'm going to pay for it! Boy, I've learned my lesson! This day has been nothing but dread, and I could've avoided it all! Here she comes! Goodbye, world! I'll collect your homework tomorrow, class. Susie, quick. Am I sitting in a beam of light? Looks more like a puddle of sweat. Why?
Calvin sits at his desk, wishing he had done his homework. He asks why he did this to himself. He had an extra day, and he still goofed off. He says he learned his lesson. Miss Wormwood comes into the room. The bell rings. Class is over. Miss Wormwood says she'll collect their homework tomorrow. Calvin asks Susie if he's sitting in a beam of light. She says it looks more like a puddle of sweat.

ch940319: I couldn't believe it! The bell rang just as the teacher was about to collect the homework I didn't do! That's twice you've been saved at the last minute. But I've learned my lesson THIS time. From now on, it's work before pleasure! No exceptions! And it will be a PLEASURE to have that homework done! C'mon, let's work on a snowman. No exceptions.
Calvin tells Hobbes the bell rang just as the homework was going to be collected. Hobbes says that's twice he's been saved at the last minute. Calvin says he's learned his lesson. He says it's work before pleasure. He runs off, saying it will be a pleasure to have that homework done. He goes to work on a snowman.

ch940320: Time! Wow, 15 minutes and 20 seconds! Ha! Beat that! Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. GO!
Mom asks Dad if there was any good mail. Dad says there's a charity request and a women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all body flaws. There are catalogs and an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. He sees a new magazine identifying trends they're missing and a hobby magazine showing equipment he must have. He asks why he gets the feeling society is trying to make them discontented with everything they do and insecure about who they are. Mom supposes if people thought about real issues instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse. Dad asks if throwing the mail out would make him some kind of terrorist. Mom says it's their patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Calvin comes in saying he saw products on TV he didn't know existed, but he desperately needs.

ch940321: I'm determined to set the world record for having one's finger continuously in one's nose. I can't believe there's even such a category. In that case, call me "champ"!
Calvin tells Hobbes he is trying for a world's record for having one finger in his nose. Hobbes can't believe there is such a category. Calvin declares himself "champ".

ch940322: This piece of pie is awfully darn small! Life could be worse, Calvin. Life could be a lot BETTER, too! ...but worse is more likely.
Calvin says his piece of pie is small. Mom says life could be worse. He replies that life could be better, too. In bed, he grumbles that worse is more likely.

ch940323: I've decided to suffer from low self-esteem. Is that a fact. From now on, my goal is to feel good about myself. You're going to work harder at everything and build character? No, I'm going to whine until I get the special treatment I like. I wonder if anyone else is as scared about the future as I am. I've found that immediate gratification is the only thing that helps me.
Calvin tells Dad he decided he suffers from low self-esteem. His goal now is to feel good about himself. Dad asks if he'll work harder and build some character. Calvin says he's going to whine until he gets the special treatment he likes. Dad wonders if anyone else is as scared for the future as he. Calvin says immediate gratification is the only thing that helps him.

ch940324: Ewww! What's this, something scraped off the bottom of boots?? I'm not eating it! Calvin, I made this last week and you said it was your favorite meal of all time and you wished we could have it every day for the rest of your life! Well, now I hate it. Another day, another gray hair for Mom!
Calvin asks what his dinner is, something scraped off the bottom of boots. Mom says she made it last week and Calvin had said it was his favorite meal of all time. He wished they could have it every day. He says now he hates it. Mom is frustrated. Calvin says "another day, another gray hair for Mom".

ch940325: I'm ho-oOAAUGH! KAPOW! Man, this was cat a-pulted! Hee hee hee! You're a riot, Hobbes.
Calvin comes home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes says this was "cat a-pulted". Calvin, lying on the floor, says Hobbes is a riot.

ch940326: These colors really aren't enough, so I have to mix some to get the specific hues I need. See, here I start with a layer of brown. Then I add olive green and scrub a little orange and yellow ochre into it. Finally, I top it with lime green, purple and tan. Wow, perfect barf! You'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like this.
Calvin is coloring a picture. He decides his colors aren't enough. He needs to make specific hues. He takes brown, olive green, a little orange and yellow ochre. Then he tops it with lime green, purple, and tan. Hobbes says it's perfect barf. Calvin says you'd think that would be a standard color in a big set like he has.

ch940327: You know, Hobbes, some days even my luck rocketship underpants don't help. Well, you've done all you can do.
Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a planet, captured by a horrible yukbarf. The alien says to take Spiff to the dungeon. It looks like a living room. Spiff asks what kind of dungeon this is. He asks if they aren't going to torture him. The alien says yes. He asks Spiff to sit to discuss wholesome principles. Dad tells Calvin life is tough, and suffering builds character. He says virtue is its own reward, and nothing worth having ever comes easy. Calvin yells.

ch940328: I don't like your face. Then don't look at it. I'd rather change it. Haw! I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored.
Moe tells Calvin he doesn't like Calvin's face. Calvin tells him not to look at it. Moe would rather change it, and he socks Calvin. Calvin, lying against a locker, says he doesn't care about being accepted. He'd settle for being ignored.

ch940329: Greetings. I am Blor-Utar from Zimtok-5. I have come to subjugate the human race. Do not resist. Why humans? Because, in addition to their value as slave labor, they are also delicious and nutritious! Ha ha ha! But first, for your Earth customer of "Show and Tell", I will exhibit some of our terrifying weaponry. Snekk blog u-lar mekhh! Gahghh! Rk! All right, Calvin, that's quite enough. Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some special school or something?
An alien says he's come to subjugate the human race. He says in addition to their value as slave labor, they're delicious and nutritious. He says for the custom of "show and tell", he'll show some of his terrible weaponry. Calvin is in front of the class. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that's enough. One of the students asks if Calvin shouldn't be in some special school.

ch940330: When it snows, you can go sledding. When it's windy, you can fly kites. When it's hot, you can go swimming. But when it's raining... sigh... ... the only sport is driving Mom crazy.
Calvin says when it snows, you can go sledding. When it's windy, you can fly kites. He looks out the window lamenting that when it's raining, the only sport is driving Mom crazy. He grabs a pot and spoon.

ch940331: I thought I had a great idea. But it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. I've had ideas like that.
Calvin tells Hobbes he had a great idea, but it never took off. It didn't get on the runway. He says you could say it exploded in the hangar.

ch940401: ZZZZZZZZ How could you miss that? It was right TO you! You throw too hard!
Calvin catches a baseball. It goes right through him. He looks at the ball behind him and the hole in him. Hobbes asks how he could miss the ball. Calvin says he threw it too hard.

ch940402: Ewww, look! This bug is eating another bug! Yukkk! Blecchh! Gross! Ick! Ick! Blbpbblpth! I can't believe I looked at that! Ew! Ew! Hacckkhh! Gaaacck! Great experiences are even better when they're shared.
Calvin sees a bug eating another bug. Hobbes says yuck. They both act like they're creeped out. Calvin says he can't believe they looked at that. They are both grossed out. Calvin says great experiences are even better when they're shared.

ch940403: ...YAWWNN... OOMP! WAAAAAAAAAAA. LET GO OF ME, YOU MALEVOLENT, MUREROUS MORON!! It's MORNING! Now we can do stuff again! C'mon! Wheee!

ch940404: Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry. On the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.

ch940405: Calvin, come out from wherever you are hiding and take your bath! DO YOU HEAR ME, CALVIN?! I MEAN NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it was MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.

ch940406: Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?

ch940407: I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!

ch940408: Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?

ch940409: County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.

ch940410: Ugh, I hate going to the subconscious. Me too! Why doesn't anyone ever clean this dump? Here's a movie reel. I suppose it's as good as any. I grabbed these two. Let's get them back to central cognition. W can run this reel first. I hope these are ebtter than last night's movies. Hurry up! The lights are dimming! Help me thread the projector! Yikes, this is awful! Where did you guys FIND this? Oops, the next reel isn't even from the same film. Good! Put it on! This one is even worse! I guess it's some sort of suspense movie. Why can't we ever watch anything good? Maybe YOU should get the movies next time! AUGH! Monsters! Monsters! Turn it off! Too scary!! Quick, try another reel! This one makes no sense! What's going on?? Has this been dubbed from some other language? None of these make sense! We're splicing them all out of order. What a waste of time! The lights are coming back on! Show's over! Finally! I thought this would never end. Back to work! Man your stations! Full alert! Whoo, I had so many strange dreams! ... I wonder what they mean.

ch940411: I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.

ch940412: Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.

ch940413: Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!

ch940414: What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.

ch940415: Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!

ch940416: OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.

ch940417: The fearless Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, gazes across the forbidding landscape of an uncharted planet! What dangers lie ahead for our hero? What horrible aliens inhabit this world? What strange adventures await the intrepid Spiff? What bizarre occurrence will our hero be the first to witness? The suspense! ...Our hero chucks a few rocks. ...sighhh... If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to MAKE some! Now yer talkin'!

ch940418: This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.

ch940419: A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.

ch940420: Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!

ch940421: OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!

ch940422: With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.

ch940423: There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!

ch940424: Bwa ha ha ha ee hee hee hee hee ehh heh heh heh ... a little more... a little more... PFOOSH! AAA! I won't fill this one so full. There! Perfect! heh heh. Dark knot! Ackk blpp! Stop it! Pbtt! It's too slippery! Ackpth! Blp! Now look, it's almost empty! I'll have to fill it again. Stupid balloon. ...a little more... ah! Perfect! IT SLIPPED OFF! FWOOSH.

ch940425: There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!

ch940426: All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!

ch940427: While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!

ch940428: No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!

ch940429: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.

ch940430: Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.

ch940501: Hobbes have me the story idea. Flip the pages again! This was MY book!

ch940502: Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.

ch940503: Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!

ch940504: Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.

ch940505: Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?

ch940506: I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?

ch940507: I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!

ch940508: DING DONG. I'm coming, I'm coming. AAAA! I OPENED THE DOOR AND MY BIKE GOT IN!! HELLPP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! IT'S AN UNBALANCED BICYCLE!! SOMEBODY GET ME A SPOKE WRENCH! Hehh hoo hehh hoo. BACK! BACK! SLAM. Ha! You can't get me now! AIEE! TIRE TRACKS ON THE RUGS! OIL ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THAT KID?! Someday the neighbors will look out and wonder why there's a grown up man wearing a kid's clothes on our roof.

ch940509: Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.

ch940510: Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.

ch940511: When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.

ch940512: Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.

ch940513: Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.

ch940514: Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!

ch940515: I ordered the two tons of tenderloin. Oh yes. Drive around to the loading dock and I'll get the forklift. Calvin, lunchtime! Mayounnaise?! I like mustard! Maybe you should fix your OWN triceratops sandwich.

ch940516: Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff

ch940517: The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.

ch940518: Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.

ch940519: Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.

ch940520: ... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.

ch940521: I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

ch940522: Look, a snake! A big one! You think it's poisonous? Beats me. How can you tell? If it bites you and you die, it's poisonous. Har har. Look how it glides along. It's almost like a liquid. I wonder how they do that. He's flicking his tongue out. I think that's how they smell, but why would they smell with a tongue? Do snakes have eyelids? Do they sleep with their eyes open? Don't snakes eat mice? How could a snake swallow something bigger than its own head? Heck, we don't know ANYTHING about snakes. Maybe your Mom would get us a book. Yeah, let's go see! We'll be experts! We'll learn all there is to know! Hey, wait a minute! It's summer! I'm on vacation! I don't want to LEARN anything! If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun. Hmm... you really think so? Cooooooll.

ch940523: Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??

ch940524: This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.

ch940525: Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

ch940526: Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.

ch940527: Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.

ch940528: This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!

ch940529: ..h-hott.... ahhhh. ...not again...

ch940530: Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.

ch940531: OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.

ch940601: I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.

ch940602: Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.

ch940603: I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!

ch940604: OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.

ch940605: We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do. But suppose there IS no meaning! Suppose life is fundamentally absurd! Suppose there's no reason or truth, or rightness in anything! What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? I guess there's no harm in a little wishful thinking. Or suppose EVERYTHING matters. Which would be worse??

ch940606: Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.

ch940607: Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.

ch940608: STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!

ch940609: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.

ch940610: The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.

ch940611: Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.

ch940612: Oh boy! It's bedtime! SPROINGG. WOOOOOO. WULP! FWAPP SHOONK SWOOOSHHH SPLOOSH WAA! SHOOP THWUPP OOF! ...ahhh. Bedtime. Let's go. Aww, I hate getting ready for bed.

ch940613: My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.

ch940614: What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.

ch940615: Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??

ch940616: I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?

ch940617: POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!

ch940618: Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.

ch940619: Hup. PTCHOO AAA! Thpkxx! Hayfever season isn't ALL bad. You thig id's fuddy, bud id's dot. SLAM. Thxxxptb!

ch940620: What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!

ch940621: Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.

ch940622: What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."

ch940623: Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!

ch940624: THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.

ch940625: Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!

ch940626: My Mom and Dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on Earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups, they now walk among us. My parents deny this, but I know the truth. They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Eary each morning, as the sun rises, Mom and Dad put on their earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks weren't legit. Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit. The Earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run, wherever I go. They live by the clock. They're slaves to routine. They work the year 'round. They're almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. They're not of this Earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze, and they're warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this one is a gem. They're bringing me up to turn ME into THEM!

ch940627: CLICK. Pander to me!

ch940628: Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!

ch940629: On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!

ch940630: Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.

ch940701: Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.

ch940702: LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.

ch940703: BLOGG! Ukh huggablukk Spiff! Spiff?! Blecckh blecckh! We join our here, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he flees the awful bug beings of Zartron-9! Spiff's only chance is a daring strategy of head-to-head combat! Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death-ray blaster! ..tum te tum tum... I wish this booted up faster. C'mon, c'mon. There we go. Let's see. Get the "file" icon... double click on "blaster"... Hmm, pull down "settings"... get the dialog box... click on "rays"... select "death"... hit "OK". Hey, what's the matter? Why didn't my screen change?! Hit "F1" for "help"... "About blasters"... nope... "Calibrating blasters"... nope... " "charging the fizzler"... no... "fizzling the charger"... no... "incineration guidelines"... oh, this is annoying! Oh wait, I didn't enter the number of volts! That's it! Type in "gazillion", hit "OK". What?! "Invalid setting". DARN! Go back to "volts", highlight "gazillion", press "Delete", type in... KRAKK. SPIFF IS HIT! HE'S GOING DOWN! Hey, why won't this boot up? Has somebody been playing with this thing?! The whole thing went down, Dad. Luckily I jumped clear at the last second.

ch940704: Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and real life.

ch940705: My TV show is starting. I'm missing my show! I'm sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. What's the big deal about dinner?! Why can't I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin, dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. There's more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.

ch940706: I've missed half of my TV show now. I hope you're happy. You shouldn't be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look, I don't think it's too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! I'll get it! I'm expecting a call. Go ahead, Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. THAT'S the problem here.

ch940707: C'mon Hobbes, we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah, Dad won't let me watch TV. He says it's summer, it's light late, and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. I'LL show him. I refuse to have fun.

ch940708: OK, next we'll race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on, I'll be right back. I'M NOT HAVING FUN!

ch940709: It's getting dark, Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Can't we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didn't want to go out, and now you don't want to come in! See, by not watching TV, you had more fun, and now you'll have memories of something real you DID, instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

ch940710: Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning? Shut up.

ch940711: Hop in, Hobbes! We're going to get rich! Oh no, I'm not getting into that box. I don't want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open, it's a time machine, remember? Even worse. Oh, don't be such a baby. The way you act, you'd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why, it wasn't even a carnivore. I don't care. You and that box are plain bad news.

ch940712: Too bad you're not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesn't come along every day, you know. The less often, the better, is what I say. We're just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos, we'll get rich! You can drop the "we" stuff. I'm not going. OK, well, I guess I'll have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said you're not going.

ch940713: I guess if we get to have snacks, it would be OK to time travel. If they're GOOD snacks, I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we go back in time, and disappear as we pass the day we were born? I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math. I thought you got a "D" in math.

ch940714: Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes, we're travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK, I'll just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive, you know! If we miss our exit, we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? There'd be no universe, and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still, will you? You'll make me swerve.

ch940715: There's a diplodocus! We're in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I can't believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didn't bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and we'll be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic, maybe I'll get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really, I don't know how you can even tell the difference.

ch940716: Hey! There's a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See, these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. He's smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.

ch940717: The big, stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink... a VERY long drink! The ferocious allosaur is thirsty too! This means confrontation! ..ah heh heh... Fortunately, this allosaur is the patient type. Don't make me smack you across the hall, twerp.

ch940718: What's THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! I'm right here. You don't need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine, throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. You're going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!

ch940719: Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! We're taking off! Eww, this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! We're off! Here. Boy, that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich, can I eat it?

ch940720: Hey Mom, guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! That's just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic, but we returned at the split second we left! That's why it didn't look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well, you've had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back

ch940721: Hobbes, look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Let's see! Wow, these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! There's me! There's me! Yes! Yes! We're RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. I'll buy a car too, but since I can't drive for another decade, we'll have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him, he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn, right?

ch940722: Well Dad, it's too bad you weren't any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep, I can't say I'm particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here, look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! We're going to be rich. I didn't realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!

ch940723: Dad doesn't believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme won't work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money, he'd pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didn't want the money THAT bad.

ch940724: I hate Sundays. The day of is ruined by knowing I've got to get ready for school tomorrow. Why don't we get your chores done NOW, so we can enjoy the rest of the day without worry? Hmm... I hate to delay fun, but maybe you're on to something. This will make the fun MORE fun. At last! We got everything bad out of the way! There you are. It's time for bed. See if I ever listen to YOU again! Never put the low priorities first.

ch940725: A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

ch940726: Hi Dad. I suppose you're wondering how you're doing in the polls. Not really. I think you'll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the "Average Dad approval rating" of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See, by midnight, you're right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?

ch940727: My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.

ch940728: People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says "Calvin, certified genius." Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?

ch940729: AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything?

ch940730: You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else!

ch940731: The center snaps the ball to the quarterback! No he doesn't? NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball! A traitor! Calvin beaks for the goal! Whee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him! Nobody WANTS to! You're running toward your own goal! Huh?! When I learned you were a spy, I switched goals this is YOUR goal and mine's hidden! HIDDEN?! You'll never find it in a million years! I don't need to find it! As a traitor to your team, crossing MY goal counts as crossing YOUR goal! Ah, you might THINK so... In fact, I KNOW so! But the place I hid MY goal is right on top of YOUR goal, so the points will go to ME! But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll LOSE points if I cross your goal! Ha ha! But I'M a traitor too, so I'm really on YOUR team! I WANT you to cross my goal! The points will go to YOUR team, which is really MY team! That would be true... IF I were a football player! You mean...? I'm actually a badminton player DISGUISED as a double-agent football player!! And I'M secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player! Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball. No cheating!

ch940801: With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something.

ch940802: Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine.

ch940803: Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.

ch940804: Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?!

ch940805: Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start.

ch940806: ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.

ch940807: The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive, Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps there's a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! There's nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing, Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! What's down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! That's not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape, our hero mutters grimly.

ch940808: Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.

ch940809: You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.

ch940810: MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!

ch940811: Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!

ch940812: Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?

ch940813: You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?

ch940814: The world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it.

ch940815: Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!

ch940816: "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?

ch940817: What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!

ch940818: WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.

ch940819: AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!

ch940820: What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.

ch940821: I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!

ch940822: Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!

ch940823: Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub

ch940824: Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, "Simplify, Simplify". Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.

ch940825: Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.

ch940826: Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.

ch940827: Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student.

ch940828: My, what an ugly tree? AAAGH. Where the heck did my leaf pile go?! It went back home! Don't you have anything bigger than a rake??

ch940829: Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.

ch940830: How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.

ch940831: Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.

ch940901: OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?

ch940902: Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.

ch940903: Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!

ch940904: YAWWNN.

ch940905: Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.

ch940906: Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!

ch940907: The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.

ch940908: I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.

ch940909: What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!

ch940910: Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.

ch940911: I'm home! ...sighhhh... My life could stand a lot more pizzazz. Tell me about it.

ch940912: Help me with this homework, OK? What's 6+3? 6+3, eh? Well, this one is a bit tricky. First, we'll call the answer "Y", as in "Y do we care?" Now, Y may be a square number, so we'll draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we'll measure the diagonal. I don't remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesn't know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK, here, I'll draw a bigger square.

ch940913: Hey, no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didn't take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When you're as far ahead of the class as I am, it doesn't take much time. We'll see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. You're going to talk to my teacher? I'm sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh, I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good, you didn't need to bother coming, really! She said you don't have to go!

ch940914: Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! I'm as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well, it's a question of perspective. Still, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy, if you think I'm even going to BE here, you're crazy!

ch940915: I'm home. How was your meeting with Calvin's teacher? Well, when we got to the classroom, we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class, and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their child's seat. That's a cute idea. Did you find Calvin's picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs, six eyes, and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.

ch940916: Calvin, I... YIKE!! You're home! I didn't even finish pack... that is, um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesn't like me! She hates little boys! It's not MY fault! I'M not to blame! She told you about the noodles, right? It wasn't me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldn't do anything like that! I'm innocent, I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didn't say noodles.

ch940917: OK, Calvin, let's check over your math homework. Let's not, and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! You've written here 8+4=7. Now, you know that's not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You can't ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! It's a free country! I've got my rights!

ch940918: Now if it would only snow! While we're waiting, I'll draw more spirals above Susie's head.

ch940919: A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!

ch940920: In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5!

ch940921: Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!

ch940922: How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets!

ch940923: I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your "A" is really an "F"! That must be it! I win the bet!

ch940924: How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me.

ch940925: No text

ch940926: Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off!

ch940927: So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product!

ch940928: Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved "Chocolate frosted sugar bombs"! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME.

ch940929: Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks.

ch940930: Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called "Father knows zilch".

ch941001: What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules!

ch941002: Doesn't it seem like everybody just shouts at each other nowadays? I think it's because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining and entertainment is marketable. Finding consensus and common ground is dull! Nobody wants to watch a civilized discussion that acknowledges ambiguity and complexity. We want to see fireworks! We want the sense of solidarity and identity that comes from having our interests narrowed and exploited by like-minded zealots! Talk show hosts, political candidates, news programs, special interest groups... they all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved, but we're all entertained. Hmm, you may be right. What a boring day THIS turned out to be.

ch941003: 33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!

ch941004: What this game needs are negotiated settlements.

ch941005: How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!

ch941006: Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat.

ch941007: Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*

ch941008: Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!

ch941009: See any weirdness yet? How about this rock? It has a purple stripe. Hmm... I guess that's a LITTLE weird. We'll look for something weirder. What do you think of this stick? It's a strange stick, but not a weird stick. It's too bad there aren't any good bugs out now. Yes, bugs are usually weird. Hey, here's a bird feather. It's pretty. But it's not weird. A bald bird would be weird. I don't see one. Look! A ripped-up old kite! Some kid must have lost this last summer! Phooey. The string broke here. I was hoping we'd find the kid's skeleton up a tree at the other end. THAT would be weird. Well, let's go in. I'm cold. Me too. I guess some days weirdness is hard to find. My glasses are fogged and I can't blow my nose, but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age! Weirdness always starts at home. Even when you look for it, you're never prepared for it.

ch941010: Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!

ch941011: That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now.

ch941012: Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!

ch941013: Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!

ch941014: They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it.

ch941015: I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.

ch941016: POW! Did you throw that snowball at me?! What snowball? Ohhhh. Don't play innocent with ME, buster! That snowball had your name written all over it! Oh yeah?! Yeah! It was sneaky, fiendish, vicious, treacherous, grim, and ruthless! Put all that together and it spells "tiger"! No it doesn't! It spells "Calvin's new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts!" Ooh, THAT does it! Ow! Hey! Stop that! Quit it! Leggo! No fair! No biting! Hey Calvin, you should have seen your expression when I hit you with that snowball! Ha ha! Ah hehh...

ch941017: Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!

ch941018: DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.

ch941019: Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.

ch941020: Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.

ch941021: See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!

ch941022: CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??

ch941023: Let's try this path over here! I don't see a path. We'll MAKE a path! Huh boy. Change is invigorating! If you don't accept new challenges, you become complacent and lazy! Your life atrophies! New experiences lead to new questions and new solutions! Change forces us to experiment and adapt! That's how we learn and grow! Whoops... well, HERE's a fresh challenge. I'll admit it's opened up new horizons. The problem with new experiences is that they're rarely the ones you choose. I feel smarter already.

ch941024: CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!

ch941025: CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?

ch941026: Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.

ch941027: Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.

ch941028: It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.

ch941029: Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.

ch941030: Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!

ch941031: Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.

ch941101: WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident!

ch941102: Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either.

ch941103: Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it,