Calvin and Hobbes: 1993

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch930101: Wow, look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it, Dad. The season's over. Are you kidding? In this stuff, I reach my optimal heart rate in no time!
Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time.

ch930102: I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!" That's a tough cry to rally around. So what?!
Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is "so what". Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around.

ch930103: YA-A! WHOK. UHN-GG. There were two ways to resolve our differences. I ruled out a thoughtful discussion. Foolish Amazon! I am only toying with you! YEAH?? Well, toy with THIS!! The hyper-phase distortion blaster? I could feel my spine shatter. It hurt... BUDDOW. ...a lot. Next ISH --- "Injuries to go" ...hehh hah hooh... hahh heh hmh Click. No you don't. There's too much violence on TV. Why don't you go read something?
Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman representing the spirit of the new year. The snowman has stick arms making it look like the snowman is looking to the distance. Calvin says it strides forward with confidence, calling forth the best qualities of human drive. Hobbes says that's very inspiring. They look over to other snowmen, built so they're laughing and pointing at the other snowman. Hobbes asks if those snowmen are the real world. Calvin tells him that's why they're glad when the old year is over.

ch930104: I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here.
As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside.

ch930105: I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out.

ch930106: It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didn't have to go to school! Yeah, I'd sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says it would be a surprise if the bus exploded and he didn't have to go to school. He says he'd really be surprised if that happens. On the school bus, Calvin says life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.

ch930107: I'M HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! You're letting in cold air.
Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air.

ch930108: Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, "Do I even care?"
Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares.

ch930109: Watcha doin'? I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. I hope you're comfy. You could get me something to eat.
Sitting in the chair, watching TV, Calvin tells Hobbes he's killing time to wait for life to shower him with meaning and happiness. Hobbes hopes he's comfy.

ch930110: I'M HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! That's what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera.
Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who.

ch930111: This snowman doesn't look very happy. He's not. He knows it's just a matter of time before he melts. The sun, ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. He's about to buy a big screen TV.
Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV.

ch930112: Home, sweet home.
Dad walks on the sidewalk heading home. At the end of sticks put next to the sidewalk are heads of snowmen with frowns on their faces. Dad says it's home, sweet home.

ch930113: For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day.
Calvin makes a tiny snowman. He makes several more, then walks up a hill. On his toboggan at the top of the hill, Calvin says the townsfolk below began their day like any other day.

ch930114: What's wrong with your snowman? It's a snow WOMAN. I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.
Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.

ch930115: I hate trudging up these hills. I didn't come out here to WORK! I came out here to ride and have FUN! Well, you can't ride the sled if you don't climb the hills. I could if you pulled me up. He's so lazy and selfish.
Hobbes pulls the sled up the hill. Calvin complains he hates trudging up the hills. He didn't come out to work, he came out to play. Hobbes tells him he can't ride the sled if he doesn't climb the hills. Calvin says he can, if Hobbes pulls him up. Calvin, standing with the sled rope in hand and no Hobbes around, says Hobbes is lazy and selfish.

ch930116: Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out.
In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out.

ch930117: Blecchhh. "TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing, END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay, THERE'S the rub! ... for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause." Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Let's not have this ever again.
In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take.

ch930118: Eggplant Casserole tonight? Why, yes!
Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says "why, yes".

ch930119: All that fur must be strictly ornamental.
Calvin sees Hobbes lying in the sunlight coming through the window. He sees Hobbes lying in front of the fireplace. He sees Hobbes lying on a heating register. Later, he sees Hobbes under the covers in bed. Calvin says all that fur must be strictly ornamental.

ch930120: NICE TRYYY!
Mom looks in the bathtub to find a snowman looking like Calvin inside. Mom yells that it's a nice try.

ch930121: Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood.
Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood.

ch930122: Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someone's precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk?
Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk.

ch930123: It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for.

ch930124: Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know, I don't understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless, shortsighted creatures. Well, it can't stay that way forever. You think we'll get smarter. That's one of the two possibilities. Maybe we'll stop polluting before it's too late. We're all holding our breath.
The dinosaur comes out attacking another. Calvin hits Susie with a snowball. She gets up. The second dinosaur chases the attacking one. Calvin closes his front door, marches upstairs, and throws away his book on dinosaurs.

ch930125: I like to verb words. What? I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now it's something you DO. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to verb words. He takes nouns and adjectives and uses them as verbs. He asks Hobbes if he remembers when "access" was a thing. Now, it's something you do. Calvin says verbing weirds language. Hobbes hopes they can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.

ch930126: Wow, chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before it's cooked! Can I have some? Please, please? Now, it's got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning. One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
Calvin sees chocolate chip cookie batter. He asks Mom if he can have some. She says it's got raw eggs in it and he could get salmonella poisoning. Calvin walks off lamenting one more nostalgic part of childhood going THBPPTH.

ch930127: Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be??
Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman.

ch930128: The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way, the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also, I don't use milk. I just heat the syrup.,
Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup.

ch930129: What are you doing? Don't wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been, I thought she'd be happy.
Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on.

ch930130: If you do a job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
Calvin has shoveled a path from the front steps around the house to the driveway. On each side of the path, in front of the door, and behind the car, there is a pile of snow. Calvin tells Hobbes that if you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

ch930131: Any good mail today? Mm... not really. Here's a "You're not covering the cost of all these mailings" charity request. You've got a "You're not attractive enough" women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all your body flaws. Here are some "You're not stylish or ostentatious enough" catalogs... and coincidentally, an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. And here's our news magazine to identify the trend of the week we're missing... and I got a hobby magazine featuring new equipment I ought to have. Yikes. ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are? I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collaps and we'd have total anarchy. So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh? Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need!
A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says he's mad because he's "first husband" and has to vacuum the White House all day. He says he's not her husband, he's Wonga-taa, kind of the jungle. He takes off his clothes to reveal jungle shorts. She says he's gross and tells him "nice underpants". He says he's off to the jungle to live with his tiger friend. She says good riddance. Walking home in his underwear, Calvin tells Hobbes playing with Susie is a waste of time. She can imagine such junk. Hobbes tells him "nice underpants". Mom is on the phone. She's asking what the caller means about Calvin leaving his clothes with Susie.

ch930201: 1. Write a paragraph explaining the significance of Magellan's expedition. A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter... that's all I ask.
Calvin has an assignment to explain the significance of Magellan's expedition. He prays for a gas mask, smoke grenade, and a helicopter.

ch930202: Calvin, don't just throw your wet coat on the floor! Hang it up where it belongs! I'm not looking for extra work around here. Oh, like I am.
Mom yells at Calvin not to throw his wet coat on the floor. She tells him to hang it up where it belongs. She isn't looking for extra work. As he drags his coat, he thinks "like I am".

ch930203: I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? Well, you'll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt.

ch930204: Today for Show and Tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN!
Calvin brought a single snowflake for show and tell. He says they can all learn a lesson from how the unique crystal turns into a boring molecule of water, just like every one of the class, when you bring it into the classroom. He walks off saying that while the analogy sinks in, he'll be leaving.

ch930205: Look at this sandwich my Mom made! I'm not eating this wretched thing! Why, this squid isn't even fresh! Smell it! Look how rubbery it is! And the inky brine has soaked the bread! The pickles are pulp! Gross! Wanna trade! Nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.
Calvin complains to Susie about the sandwich Mom made for him. He says it's squid. He tells Susie to smell it. He says it's rubbery and the inky brine soaked the bread. He asks Susie if she wants to trade. Susie leaves. Calvin says nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.

ch930206: You know what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits? Geez, how am I ever going to learn to be an astronaut?
Mom bundles Calvin for the cold. Calvin asks Mom if she knows what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits. As Calvin walks into the bathroom, he asks how he's ever going to learn to be an astronaut.

ch930207: Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...
Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food.

ch930208: Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
In poem, Calvin talks about a snowball packed with care smacking a head that's unaware. With freezing ice to spare, it melts and soaks through underwear. He tells the snowball to fly true, hit square, he tells the snowball that's his prayer. He says he only throws consecrated snowballs.

ch930209: What are you doing? I'm throwing people off my trail with deceptive footprints. See everyone will think these tracks were made by a one-legged kid going THAT way, and they'll be completely wrong! Who exactly is on your trail? Look, it doesn't hurt to take precautions.
Calvin hops backward in the snow. He's making deceptive footprints. He tells Hobbes people will think the tracks were made by a one-legged kid going the other way. Hobbes asks who's on his trail. Calvin says it doesn't hurt to take precautions.

ch930210: Nobody can make me go inside! I've got 200 snowballs that say I'm staying OUT! No one's gonna make ME come in the house! DOESN'T ANYBODY MISS ME?!?
Calvin has 200 snowballs in his snow fort. He says nobody's going to make him come in the house. He waits, and waits. He opens the door to the house, asking if anybody misses him.

ch930211: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Academia, here I come!
Calvin now enjoys writing assignments. He realizes the purpose is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. He asks Hobbes if he wants to see his book report. "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes".

ch930212: Here we are, high on Rigor Mortis Ridge, steeling ourselves for the terrifying descent into Grim Reaper Gorge! Why do we risk life and limb in a vertical free fall, when we could be safe at home by the fire? Because it is man's indominable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason! If you make it home to the fire, you can tell me how it was. See? This is why there were never any great animal explorers!
On Rigor Mortis Ridge, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan. Calvin asks why they risk life and limb when they could be safe by the fire at home. He says it's man's nature to scare himself silly for no good reason. Hobbes gets off the toboggan. As Calvin goes down, Hobbes says if he makes it home to the fire, he can tell Hobbes how it was. Calvin yells this is why there are no great animal explorers.

ch930213: SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
Calvin hits someone with a snowball. He laughs, saying that was hilarious. He gets hit by a snowball. He says a joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.

ch930214: 140 million years ago, the incredible 'ultrasaurs' wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons, and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! It's... it's a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it, the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like you've hit the sewer pipe.
Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be "best tiger", and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love.

ch930215: I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lotm ore important. Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life. Such as? Procrastinating and rationalizing.
Building a snowman, Calvin says he should be doing his homework. He thinks playing is more important. He's learning skills that he can apply throughout his life. Hobbes asks what skills those are. Calvin says procrastinating and rationalizing.

ch930216: Look at that! An angel. It must be a FALLEN angel! Generally they burn up in the atmosphere, but this one apparently vaporized on impact, leaving this angel-shaped crater in the snow! There are more over there. God must've been punting angels left and right. Strange that there would be so many in Susie's front yard. I'll bet they're all related to her.
Calvin and Hobbes see a snow angel. Calvin thinks it must be a fallen angel. He says they usually burn up in the atmosphere. Hobbes sees more snow angels. Calvin thinks God must have been punting angels right and left. Hobbes thinks it's strange so many would be in Susie's front yard. Calvin figures they're all related to her.

ch930217: I'm making a monumental, heroic snow sculpture. It will be called "The Triumph of Perseverence." Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. You're through? I'm bored.
Calvin's making a heroic snow sculpture. He has one snowball made. He will call it "The Triumph of Perseverance". Hobbes asks what it will look like. Calvin says like this. Hobbes asks if he's through. Calvin says he's bored.

ch930218: It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Susie sees a sign saying there is an important message with an arrow. She runs over to see another sign, saying the next sign has the important message. She gets to the sign which reads "Look out". Above the sign, in the tree, Calvin drops a big snowball. He says it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

ch930219: Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I can't wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it.
Calvin makes what he says is the biggest snowball in the world. He can't wait to hit someone with it. Hobbes asks how he's going to pick it up. Calvin is mortified. He says reality continues to ruin his life. Hobbes suggests he could put it someplace someone will walk into it.

ch930220: I'm not going to do this homework! C'mon, let's go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed?
Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad.

ch930221: I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Calvin readies himself for a trip on the toboggan. He looks down for miles on the landscape below. Over he goes, coming down from mountainous heights. Calvin looks back when he's stopped to see the tiny hill he came down. He sighs.

ch930222: What's in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. C'mon, tell me! Well, let's just say it's something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? We've got a history test, remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldn't you and the Principal BOTH like to know!
Susie asks Calvin what's in the bag. He won't tell. He says it might come in handy today. He reminds Susie they have a history test. Susie asks if it's a bomb. Calvin asks if she and the principal wouldn't like to know.

ch930223: Why won't you tell me what's in that bag? It's a severed head. It is NOT! Don't be disgusting! Fine. Don't believe me. You said it would come in handy during today's test. The head is an oracle. I'll put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I don't even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
Susie asks what's in the bag. Calvin says it's a severed head. She asks why that would come in handy for the test. Calvin explains the head is an oracle. It will tell him the answers. Susie walks off as Calvin moans "Susie is a booger brain". Calvin says it speaks the truth.

ch930224: Here are your tests. You may begin. Can I get something from my locker? What do you need? I can't tell you. Then sit and do your test. You're spoiling a great surprise for the class! It would be a great surprise for ME if you'd just get to work.
Miss Wormwood passes out the tests. Calvin asks if he can get something from his locker. Calvin won't tell her what it is. Miss Wormwood tells him to do his test. Calvin says she's spoiling a great surprise for the class. Miss Wormwood says it would be a surprise for her if he'd get to work.

ch930225: Cough cough cough. Can I get a drink of water? OK, but hurry up. THIS is a job for...
Calvin starts coughing during the test. He asks to get a drink of water. He runs out to his locker to get his Stupendous Man costume.

ch930226: To avoid detection while changing identities, mild-mannered Calvin leaps into his locker! There he makes the stupendous transformation into... STUPENDOUS MANNN! Da ta da tum tum da ta da tum tum. Gosh, it's dark in here. Where's that darn handle?
To avoid detection, Calvin leaps into his locker to transform into Stupendous Man. Calvin can't find the handle to get out of his locker.

ch930227: BANG BANG BANG. I can't get out! Hmm... this is a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Bang bang bang bang bang. Heck, this may even be a job for the custodian.
Calvin bangs on the locker door. He can't get out. He says this is a real job for Stupendous Man. He bangs on the door some more. He thinks this may even be a job for the custodian.

ch930228: Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to "El Tigre Numero Uno"! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to "Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh..." There! I wrote "Hobbes equals great" in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing "Hobbes equals ugly fur ball"! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says "Kazam". Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says "Kazam". The neighborhood is a desolate landscape.

ch930301: Where's Calvin? Didn't he come back from the drinking fountain? I'll bet he's at his locker, Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! It's STUPENDOUS MAN's fiendish nemesis, the crab teacher, coming to finish him off! Calvin?
Miss Wormwood notices Calvin hasn't come back from the water fountain. Susie tells her Calvin might be at his locker, since he brought something to help with the test. Miss Wormwood walks down the hall, thinking "Five years until retirement". Inside the locker, Stupendous Man sees his nemesis, the Crab Teacher, coming for him.

ch930302: Let's see if Calvin got whatever was in his locker. With stupendous muscles of magnitude, Stupendous Man breaks free!! What on earth?! S.. for Stupendous! T... for Tiger, ferocity of! U.. for Underwear, red! P.. for Power, incredible! E... for Excellent physique! N... for ...um... something... hm, well, I'll come back to that... D... for Determination! U... for... wait, how do you spell this? Is it "I"?? It's not enough that we have to be disciplinarians. Now we need to be psychologists. Your nefarious scheme will never succeed!
Miss Wormwood opens the locker, and Stupendous Man comes out. Calvin spells stupendous, with a meaning for each letter. He gets stuck near the end and can't finish. Miss Wormwood brings Calvin back to class, complaining teachers need to also be psychologists.

ch930303: Stupendous Man escapes! A crimson bold bursts through the air! Calvin, come back here! Now it's off to apply my stupendous powers of concentration to the history test of my alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! TA-DAA! Have no fear, boys and girls! I'm Stupendous Man, champion of liberty and justice! Try to restrain yourselves, girls! I'm just here to do Calvin's test. He lives on YOUR street, doesn't he? I hardly even KNOW him, Candance!
Stupendous Man escapes from Miss Wormwood. He enters the classroom to do Calvin's test. Susie tells a classmate that she doesn't hardly even know Calvin.

ch930304: Stupendous Man's stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The cotton gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long, kids! Always brush your teeth! Kapwinggg! Class, did Calvin come in here?! Has anyone seen him? Here I am, Miss Wormwood! Boy, was I thirsty!
Stupendous Man answers the test questions, then runs out of the classroom. On the way, he reminds the kids to always brush their teeth. The class sits with stunned expressions on their faces. Miss Wormwood comes in asking if Calvin has come in. Calvin walks in behind her, out of the Stupendous Man costume, wiping his mouth from his long drink.

ch930305: AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! You've got the wrong guy! I'm Calvin! I didn't do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! I'm not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class, YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! I've been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was, I always just say, "Fine," and change the subject. NO! NO!
Susie sits at her desk while she hears Calvin say they have the wrong guy. Calvin claims they want Stupendous Man. Calvin, still fighting with Miss Wormwood, asks the class to tell her it wasn't him. Susie thinks that when her Mom asks how the day at school was, she'll just say "fine" and change the subject.

ch930306: So the teacher told Mom and Mom hit the roof and took away my costume. Yikes. Um... has Stupendous Man EVER won a battle? Well, they're all MORAL victories. One can't be picky. Oh, and I flunked the test, too.
Calvin explains to Hobbes that Mom took his costume away. Hobbes asks if Stupendous Man has ever won a battle. Calvin says they're moral victories. Calvin tells him that he also flunked the test.

ch930307: Sssss ssssss. If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is.
Spaceman Spiff is pursued by hostile aliens. Spiff dives toward the mysterious world below. The aliens are still on his trail. He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow. Calvin is under a table, with Mom grabbing at his feet. Calvin says the ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable. Mom says Calvin is going to bed if she has to chase him all night.

ch930308: They're snowmen prophets of doom. You certainly take the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.
Calvin builds snowmen prophets of doom. They hold signs saying "the end is near" and "spring is coming". They're partially melted. Mom says he takes the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.

ch930309: ATCHOOO! Uh oh. I'm leaking brain lubricant.
Calvin sneezes, then looks at the tissue. He says he's leaking brain lubricant.

ch930310: Look, Hobbes. There's a quiz in my new issue of Chewing magazine. "Does your gum deliver? 10 questions show what you could be missing!" Let's see how my gum does. "1. How hard is your gum at the beginning? A) Rock-like or brittle B) Pleasantly firm C) Squishy or bendy." Hmm... my gum is pretty hard at first. I'll mark "A". Gosh, I've got a negative five points already! I'm not getting all the performance I'm entitled to! I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
Calvin shows Hobbes his new issue of Chewing Magazine. He starts a quiz to determine if his gum delivers. Calvin starts, then notices he's got negative five points already. He complains he's not getting all the gum performance he's entitled to. Hobbes wonders what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.

ch930311: OK, you've all read the chapter, so let's review. Calvin, where was the Byzantine Empire? I'll take "Outer Planets" for $100.
Miss Wormwood starts the class review of the chapter. She asks Calvin where the Byzantine Empire was. Calvin thinks, then answers that he'll take "Outer Planets" for $100.

ch930312: MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! What's wrong? What's the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is, it's all that's keeping me from strangling you right now. Mom's midnight assurances are never very reassuring.
At night, Calvin yells for Mom to come quick. When she gets to his room, he asks her if she thinks love is a biochemical reaction designed to make sure genes get passed on. Sleepily, she says whatever it is, it's keeping her from strangling him right now. After she leaves, Calvin says Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring.

ch930313: When you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and that's all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is "normal". Ahh, what a day! Up at 6:00, a 10-mile run in the sleet, and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well, maybe "normal" is too strong a word. I think we'd know normal if we saw it.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe "normal" is too strong a word.

ch930314: Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Calvin runs after cows in a chute, runs around a wheel like a hamster, walks like a robot, and is a fish gasping for air. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad to see him. Hobbes asks if he had another typical school day.

ch930315: Rrgggh... 125... Oof. Rrrggh... 5,200! Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it FEELS like.
Calvin is doing a pushup. He counts 125. He does another, and he counts 5200. He says exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it feels like.

ch930316: I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to wait for the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to listen to the teacher. I don't want to study. I don't want any tests. I don't want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
In bed, Calvin doesn't want to get up or wait for the bus. Standing for the bus, he doesn't want to go to school or listen to the teacher. At school, he doesn't want to study or get homework. When he gets back home, Mom asks how his day was. Calvin says it pitched a perfect no-hitter.

ch930317: You know, ther emust be thousands of animal species, and of ALL of them, only humans wear clothes. Isn't that weird? I wonder why other animals don't wear clothes. If our naked pink butts showed, we probably would. Our butts are just fine!
As Calvin gets undressed for a bath, he tells Hobbes of all the animal species, only humans wear clothes. He wonders why other animals don't wear clothes. Hobbes thinks if their naked pink butts showed, they would.

ch930318: I'm going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Let's just leave it that I'm done. Back to your room, buster.
Calvin tells Mom he's going outside. She asks if he's done with his homework. He says yes. She asks if he read the whole chapter. Calvin replies they should just leave it that he's done. Mom tells him to go back to his room.

ch930319: I'll bet SOME kids walk around corners without even thinking about it. That was a rotten trick.
In the house, Calvin walks along, then stops to take off his shirt. When he gets to a corner, he holds his shirt out and Hobbes pounces on it. Calvin says some kids walk around corners without thinking about it. Hobbes, chewing and tearing the shirt, says that was a rotten trick.

ch930320: Gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. That's an impression we like to cultivate.
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. Hobbes is in the air behind Calvin, on his way to pouncing. Hobbes thinks that's an impression they like to cultivate.

ch930321: Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles.

ch930322: Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick, unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. It's a barrage of non-linear free association. I guess they're admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the American attention span by a good 14 seconds. Huh? Are you still talking about that?
Calvin watches TV and tells Hobbes the commercials are quick, unrelated images. He says it's a barrage of nonlinear free association. Hobbes says it looks like they're admitting a 15 second commercial exceeds the American attention span by 14 seconds. Calvin asks if he's still talking about that.

ch930323: Scientific names? Sure. Scientists come up with great, wild theories, but then they give them dull, unimaginative names. For example, scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass, so what do they call it? "DARK matter"! Duhh! I tell you, there's a fortune to be made here! I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark! Instead of making an idiot of yourself, why don't you go find me some scientists?
Calvin is selling scientific names for a dollar. He tells Hobbes scientists are great for theories, but they give them dull names. He tells Hobbes scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass. They call it "dark matter". Calvin says there's a fortune to be made. Hobbes says he likes to say "quark". He says it several times. Calvin tells him that instead of making an idiot of himself to go find him some scientists.

ch930324: Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drings Mallox straight from the bottle.
Calvin protests his "C" grade to Miss Wormwood. He says he got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society that's doing outstanding. He says if industry was 75% competent, they'd be ecstatic. He demands an "A". Calvin thinks it's really gross that she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle.

ch930325: History will thank me for keeping this journal at such a young age. As one of those rare individuals destined for true greatness, this record of my thoughts and convictions will provide invaluable insight into budding genius. Think of it! A priceless historical document in the making! Wow! ... so who ELSE should I add to my list of total jerks? Who else do you even know?
Calvin is keeping a journal. As a person destined for greatness, his thoughts and convictions will be invaluable insight into budding genius. He tells Hobbes it's a priceless historical document in the making. He asks Hobbes who else he should add to his list of jerks. Hobbes asks who else he even knows.

ch930326: Wait, Dad! I've got a great idea! Don't shave next to your mouth, OK? Let the whiskers grow about a foot long and then wax 'em so they stick straight out! Then you'll look like a big cat! Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Preposterous!
Dad is shaving, and Calvin suggests he doesn't shave next to his mouth. He should let his whiskers grow, then wax them so they stick straight out. He'll look like a big cat. Dad just looks at him. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Hobbes thinks that's preposterous.

ch930327: "Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright, in the forests of the night." Blake wrote that. Apparently the tiger was on fire. Maybe his tail got struck by lightning or something. Flammable felines -- what a weird subject for poetry. That is why I try to sleep through most of the day.
Calvin tells Hobbes a line from the poet Blake that talks about tigers burning bright in the forests of the night. Calvin thinks the tiger was on fire, probably from lightning. He walks away thinking flammable felines are a weird subject for poetry. Hobbes lies back down and says that's why he tries to sleep through most of the day.

ch930328: Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
Calvin is snatched from bed by a robot. He's dropped into a cleaning machine, then he's sent to the kitchen by turbo chute. Dad takes off for work on his jet pack. He says he'll be home for dinner unless the shuttle is late from his moon meeting. Mom asks Calvin to put on his jacket. She asks why he's standing there. As Mom puts a jacket on Calvin, she wishes he'd try to stay in the present. Calvin sighs.

ch930329: BORRRING. Yeah, yeah... Kill the messenger.
Calvin sits at his school desk, fighting off sleep. He finally yells "borrring". On his way to the principal's office, he says they're killing the messenger.

ch930330: Hello, county library? Reference desk, please. Thank you. Hello? Yes, I need a book on painting theory and technique. Specifically, I'm interested in graffiti. Is there a book that explains the proper use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans? What on earth do they spend their money on over there?
Calvin calls the library reference desk. He needs a book on painting theory. He's specifically interested in graffiti. He asks for a book that explains use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans. He walks off wondering what on earth they spend their money on over there.

ch930331: Calvin: Memoirs of a Six-Year-Old. My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits, about which I have many profound insights. But frankly, none of it is any of your darn business, so butt out! The end. Do publishers demand that manuscripts be typed? I wouldn't sweat it.
Calvin writes his memoirs. He writes his life is a series of amazing exploits, about which he has profound insights. But none of it is their business, so butt out. The end. Calvin asks if it's true publishers demand that manuscripts be typed. Looking at the memoirs, Hobbes says he wouldn't sweat it.

ch930401: AAUGH! The peanut butter is ruined! You're supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom, so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end! What on earth for? It's a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth! Maybe you should make your own sandwiches. If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally?
Calvin looks at the peanut butter jar and says it's ruined. He says you're supposed to scoop half straight down, then dig the other side from the bottom. Mom asks why. Calvin says it's a ritual to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth. She suggests he make his own sandwiches. Calvin says if you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. He asks if she cut the bread diagonally.

ch930402: AAAUGH! AAUGHH! Something's crawling down my left! Get it out! ... oh, it's just a couple of pennies. I've got a hole in my pocket. *Whew* You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running lose in your pants. Another reason not to wear 'em.
Walking along, Calvin yells that something's crawling down his leg. He finds it's just a couple of pennies. He has a hole in his pocket. Calvin tells Hobbes you never know when a crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. Hobbes says that's another reason not to wear them.

ch930403: Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners? No, I think they're just quick studies. Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks babies are born sinful. Hobbes says he thinks they're just quick studies. Calvin says whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.

ch930404: Z Z. Boy, rough life, huh? What have YOU done today?! People!
Calvin has a lemonade stand, charging $15 a glass. Susie asks how he justifies that. Calvin says supply and demand. Susie doesn't see any demand. Calvin explains that as stockholder in the enterprise, he demands monstrous profit. As CEO of the company, he demands an exorbitant salary. As an employee, he demands a high wage and lots of benefits. Susie complains it looks like he threw a lemon in some sludge water. Calvin had to cut expenses somewhere to stay competitive. Susie asks what happens if she got sick from it. Calvin says he stands behind the motto "caveat emptor". Susie walks away. Calvin complains anti-business types like her who ruin the economy. Later, Calvin tells Mom he needs to be subsidized.

ch930405: The TV listings say this movie has "adult situations". What are adult situations? Probably things like going to work, paying bills and taxes, taking responsibilities... Wow! They don't kid around when they say "For mature audiences." I've never understood how those movies make any money.
Looking at TV listings, Calvin asks Hobbes what "adult situations" are. Hobbes thinks they're probably going to work, paying bills, and taking responsibilities. Calvin says they don't kid around when they say "for mature audiences". Hobbes never understood how those movies ever made money.

ch930406: BANG WHANG CLANG ZANG PANG BLANG. WILL YOU STOP THAT AWFUL RACKET?! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! ... and a check mark for Tuesday!
Calvin bangs on a pot with a spoon. He keeps doing it. Mom yells for him to stop that racket. He's driving her crazy. Calvin puts another check mark on his calendar for the day.

ch930407: Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? My generation doesn't absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids? Turn to page 21, class. At least televisions understand us.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that since his generation doesn't absorb information this way, could she reduce everything to factoids. Miss Wormwood goes on. Calvin says at least their televisions understand them.

ch930408: I hate it when it's this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when I'm talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! It's so rude! Why do they think I'm talking?! It's so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation, it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot.
Walking in the wind, Hobbes says he hates it when it's so windy. Calvin says he hates when he's talking and someone turns the conversation to himself. It's so rude. He's talking about himself, so who cares what they have to say. Hobbes looks at him. Calvin also hates it when people look at him bug-eyed.

ch930409: How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol hordes got bored?
Calvin tries to write a poem. How many boards would the Mongols hoard, if the Mongol hordes got bored? He looks at the paper, then crumples it.

ch930410: No sense putting it off. It's time for spring cleaning. Good for you. What about the HOUSE? What ABOUT the house?
Dad says he's not putting off spring cleaning. Later, Mom sees him cleaning his bicycle. She asks what about the house. Dad doesn't know what she's talking about.

ch930411: I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
An airliner's engines explode. The aircraft plummets out of control. A train jumps the tracks. Both the jet and train are converging on one spot where the tectonic plates in the earth's crust are shifting. At that spot is Farmer Brown, unaware of a gas leak as he lights his stove. As he strikes the match, he glances out the window. Calvin has a toy train and plane heading for a log cabin Hobbes is holding. Hobbes asks if they can play something else.

ch930412: It's a funny world, Hobbes. True. But it's not a hilarious world. ...unless you like sick humor. The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says it's a funny world. They fly into the air. Calvin says it's not a hilarious world. Hobbes says "unless you like sick humor". Lying smashed up on the ground, Calvin says the world is funnier to people who don't live here.

ch930413: Oh good, a true or false test! At last, some clarity! Every sentence is either pure, sweet truth or a vile, contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between!
Calvin gets a true or false test. He's glad there is clarity. Each sentence is either the truth or a lie. He looks at the questions. He tosses a coin.

ch930414: I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. Why is that? I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists. Oh really? Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want. It's nice to have that cleared up. Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's at peace with the world and is serene. He has discovered his purpose in life. He's here so everybody can do what Calvin wants. Calvin says once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.

ch930415: Ahh, spring! I say let's move on to summer.
Calvin is happy it's spring. Suddenly, the wind blows, and it starts to rain. Calvin runs inside the house. He grabs his comic book and says they should move on to summer.

ch930416: I thrive on change. YOU?! You threw a fit this morning because your Mom put less jelly on your toast than yesterday! I thrive on making OTHER people change.
In the wagon, Calvin says he thrives on change. Hobbes says Calvin had a fit that morning because Mom put less jelly on his toast than yesterday. Calvin clarifies he thrives on making other people change.

ch930417: Eww, mud. Look at this gooshy, dirty, slimy, thick wet muck. Blecchh. Talk about a kid magnet.
Calvin sees a mud puddle and says "Eww". He pokes it with a stick, saying it's dirty and slimy. He walks off. He turns around saying it's a kid magnet.

ch930418: True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says some people are born lucky and some unlucky. He says you can't fight luck. Hobbes points out they're heading for the cliff. Calvin says that's bad luck. Hobbes jumps out. Calvin says you go along, minding your own business, and your luck runs out. As he bounces over the cliff, he says if you're unlucky, you're condemned to suffer. From the top of the cliff, Hobbes says he landed in the pricker bushes, just like yesterday. Calvin says maybe his luck will change tomorrow.

ch930419: Susie, I think it's only fair to tell you that there is absolutely no way I would even CONSIDER asking you to the senior prom. That's eleven YEARS from now! I figure that might give you enough time to find somebody who will. If I'd known her longer, I could've given her more notice.
Calvin tells Susie there is no way he'd consider asking her to the senior prom. Susie says that's eleven years away. Calvin figures that will give her enough time to find somebody who will. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin says if he'd known her longer, he'd have given her more notice.

ch930420: Z. I think tigers are actually classified as liquids. Har har.
Calvin sees Hobbes sprawled sleeping on the chair. He tells Hobbes that tigers are actually classified as liquids.

ch930421: "F"?! It seems to me that if I'm not learning this material, you must not be a very good teacher! Wogga muk gubba pum wup! Boo! Gop! What??
Calvin gets a grade of "F". He complains that if he's not learning the material, Miss Wormwood must not be a very good teacher. She says something, but Calvin imagines Spaceman Spiff facing a horrible alien. After she's finished, Calvin asks what she just said.

ch930422: Is this milk spoiled? Smell it and see. I'M not going to smell it! YOU smell it! Oh, for goodness' sake. Here... it's fine. I don't take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
Calvin asks if the milk is spoiled. Mom tells him to smell it to find out. He won't. Mom checks it, and she says it's fine. Calvin says he doesn't take chances on products that print the date you might expire.

ch930423: Curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. For example, you know how milk comes out your nose if you laugh while drinking? Well, I'm going to see what happens when I inhale milk INTO my nose and laugh! Idiocy is the essence of the male mind. I'm guessing it will shoot out my ears. Don't you want to see??
Calvin tells Susie that curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. He asks Susie if she knows how milk comes out your nose when you laugh while drinking. He puts straws into his nostrils and says he's going to see what happens when he inhales milk into his nose, then laughs. Susie says idiocy is the essence of the male mind.

ch930424: I think I'll count all the rocks I can find. 400 trillion and three, 400 trillion and four, 400 trillion and five...Wow, I bored myself awake.
Calvin starts to count all the rocks he can find. He gets to 400 trillion and five, then wakes up. He says he bored himself awake.

ch930425: Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Calvin gets out of bed and runs past Mom saying he's up. She chases Calvin, telling him to go to bed. He climbs under the chair and around an end table. Mom grabs him and takes him to bed. Calvin yells that he's not tired and wants to stay up. Mom collapses, exhausted, on the chair downstairs. Calvin, in bed, says Mom has to earn a night's respite from him.

ch930426: Want to help me make a poster? Sure. What's it for? It's a school contest. We're supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! We'll be rich! And then there's the fame and glory! I tell you, this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. What's our winning poster going to say? That's where YOU come in.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help with a safety poster he's doing for school. The winner gets five dollars. Calvin says they'll be rich. This could be the ticket to fame and glory. Hobbes asks what the poster will say. Calvin informs Hobbes that's where he comes in.

ch930427: Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas? How about, "Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!" I'll check the statistics, but I don't think that happens to many people. There's more to this world than just people, you know.
Calvin says the safety poster has to promote awareness. Hobbes suggests not looking at headlights and freezing, because you'll get run over or shot. Calvin says he'll check the statistics, but he doesn't think that happens to many people. Hobbes informs him there is more in the world than just people.

ch930428: Hey Dad, I'm doing a traffic safety poster. Do you have any ideas for a slogan? Sure! "Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!" Thanks, Dad. I'll go ask Mom. Why? That's a GREAT slogan!
Calvin asks Dad for a poster suggestion. Dad, putting his cycling helmet on for a ride, suggests cyclists have a right to the road, you polluting maniacs. Calvin says he'll go ask Mom.

ch930429: Mom suggested the slogan, "Before you cross, look each way... and you'll get home safe each day." That's kind of catchy. Yeah, but I like MY idea better. "Be careful, or be roadkill!" I suppose that lends itself more to your particular brand of illustration. I hope I have enough cadmium red.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom suggested looking both ways before crossing. Hobbes likes it, but Calvin likes his idea better. Be careful, or be roadkill. Hobbes supposes that lends itself to Calvin's brand of illustration. Calvin looks at his crayons and hopes he has enough cadmium red.

ch930430: With my great slogan and your great artwork, this traffic safety poster is a shoe-in for first prize! A solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. What should we spend the prize money on? Of course, technical skill alone isn't enough. A picture needs depth of feeling. I think I'll blog it all on jaw breakers and comic books. I'll draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster.
As Hobbes draws the poster, Calvin figures they'll win first prize. Hobbes says a solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. Calvin wonders what to spend the prize money on. Hobbes says a picture also needs depth of feeling. Calvin thinks he'll spend it all on jaw breakers and comic books. Hobbes will draw stars to show pain and human suffering. Calvin says with talent like theirs, the world is their oyster.

ch930501: There! Finished! Hey, that's terrific! When we win first prize, I'll give you 25% of the winnings. WHAT?! I did all the drawing! YOU should get 25% But it was MY great idea! We'll split 60-40. 50-50. Oh, all right, BE selfish! A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
Hobbes is finished drawing the safety poster. Calvin says he'll give Hobbes 25% of the winnings. Hobbes says since he did all the drawing, Calvin should get 25%. Calvin said it was his idea. Hobbes offers a 50/50 split. Calvin calls him selfish. As he walks off, Calvin says a good compromise leaves everybody mad.

ch930502: ATCHOO! Booger balls are illegal! Whap! First base! Fifth! Ninth! Puff puff ELEVENTH! puff TWENTY-FIFTH! Calvin's going for home! Too late! You're out! I think we need to change the rules. Oh, you want to play the sissy way now, I bet.
Calvin's meal attacks him and swallows him. It chews Calvin up, then spits out a skull and bone. Mom says it was revolting, but Dad says it worked. They dance. Calvin looks at a plate of food and claims they're trying to kill him with that stuff. Mom says he doesn't have to eat it, but she's not making anything else.

ch930503: Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didn't waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. "Be careful or be roadkill!" That's really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce!
Calvin tells Susie that he's going to win the safety poster contest. He shows Susie the poster. She thinks it's disgusting. She asks what is on his poster. He tells her it's chunky spaghetti sauce.

ch930504: Who would like to show his or her traffic poster first? I WOULD! I WOULD! All right, Calvin. Step up front. Thank you! My poster says, "Be careful, or be roadkill!" Drawn in patent-pending "3-D gore-o-rama", this picture will actually attract flies, because the drawing is splattered with spaghetti sauce! I can see you're all just sick about your chances of winning.
Miss Wormwood asks who would like to show his poster first. Calvin volunteers. Calvin announces it's drawn in "3-D Gore-o-rama". He says the poster will actually draw flies because of the spaghetti sauce. Calvin can see the class is just sick about their chances of winning.

ch930505: Well Hobbes, all we have to do now is wait for the judges to award our poster first prize, and we'll be rolling in moolah and prestige. You know, we really ought to enter more contests. I never realized how much fun it is to win! But we haven't won YET. But we WILL, and then everyone will know how great we are. Don't they already? Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
Calvin tells Hobbes they just have to wait for the judges to award them first prize. Calvin thinks they should enter more contests. He didn't realize how much fun it would be to win. Hobbes reminds him they haven't won yet. Calvin says they will, then people will know how great they are. He says people only recognize greatness when an authority confirms it.

ch930506: Look Calvin, My poster WON! HUH?!
Calvin imagines various news articles on his winning the poster contest. Susie walks up to Calvin and shows that her poster won. Calvin is shocked.

ch930507: Our poster didn't win? I still can't believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start! Well, the important thing is that we tried our best. The IMPORTANT thing is that we LOST! Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers. What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner?
Calvin can't believe he didn't win. He claims the judges were biased. Hobbes tells him the important thing was they tried their best. Calvin retorts the most important thing was that they lost. Hobbes says he forgets the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.

ch930508: Dad, my poster didn't win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board, have them declare a fraud, and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? You've been watching athletic shoe ads again, haven't you?
Calvin complains to Dad that the poster contest was rigged. Calvin wants Dad to call the school board and make Susie give the prize to him. Dad explains losing is a part of life. He tells Calvin to be a good sport and keep things in perspective. He says winning isn't everything. Calvin asks if that's really what they believe on the planet he's from.

ch930509: The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Right before impact, Calvin stoops down to pick up a dime. Hobbes tumbles over him, stops, scratches himself, stretches, then walks off. Calvin says Hobbes would love for him to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.

ch930510: I know more about the private lives of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me. I'm interested in things that are none of my business, and I'm bored by things that are important to know. The media aim to please. Maybe the economy should be discussed in cheap motel rooms.
Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he knows more about celebrity lives than any governmental policy that will affect him. He says he's interested in things that aren't his business, and he's bored with things that are important to know. Hobbes tells him the media aim to please.

ch930511: A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about "excessively negative people"? Yeah, that's a good one. ...HEY!
Calvin is making a list of a million things that bother him. Mushy bananas, skin on pudding, raisins, etc. Hobbes offers "excessively negative people". Calvin likes that. Then he realizes what Hobbes meant.

ch930512: Want to see me juggle? I can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once! HUHH! ACKPTH! Notice I didn't say I could do it for very long. This rug must need a thicker pad.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see him juggle. He can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once. He tosses them into the air. They all fall down on him and the carpet. Calvin says he didn't say he could do it very long. Hobbes thinks the carpet needs a thicker pad.

ch930513: This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat, a question arises when glancing thereat. Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank, he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank! AAAUGH
Hobbes lies on the floor. Calvin says a poem about the tiger sprawled still and flat. He asks if he's asleep, and to be frank, he says Hobbes looks like he was creamed by a tank. Calvin walks off. Hobbes pounces.

ch930514: Do you believe in evolution? No. You don't think humans evolved from monkeys? I sure don't see any difference. Woo hoo hoo!
Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in evolution. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks if he doesn't think humans evolved from monkeys. Hobbes says he doesn't see any difference. He runs off laughing while Calvin chases him.

ch930515: There's nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh.
Calvin complains there isn't anything good on television. Dad tells him to turn it off. Calvin asks if he should sit and stare at a blank screen all day. Dad kicks Calvin out of the house.

ch930516: I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
Calvin puts some jelly on a slice of toast, then throws the toast. Hobbes leaps past Calvin to messily eat the toast on the floor. Hobbes says he likes breakfast on the run. Mom angrily drags Calvin, carrying a mop and bucket, to the mess. Calvin pleas that it's their nature. Mom wonders why he can't eat at the table like a civilized human being.

ch930517: Let's find some slugs and worms. Why do we want to find slugs and worms? Because they're gross. That's why one AVOIDS slugs and worms. If we avoid them, we can't dare each other to eat one. Toodle-oo. What's the matter with you?! You don't like FUN?!
Calvin wants to dig for slugs and worms because they're gross. Hobbes thinks that's why they avoid them. Calvin explains that if they avoid them, they can't dare each other to eat one. Hobbes turns and runs away. Calvin asks if he doesn't like to have fun.

ch930518: Hey Susie! Do you dare me to eat this worm?? Just one? Um... well, yeah. Don't you think that's disgusting? See him wriggle? Eating five at once would be disgusting. I don't know about just one. You want me to eat FIVE?! Geeeez! Who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary?!
Calvin asks Susie if she dares him to eat a worm. Susie thinks eating five would be disgusting, but she doesn't know about just one. Calvin is shocked she wants him to eat five. He goes to dig more worms. He wonders who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary.

ch930519: OK, Susie, I got five worms. But it will cost you 50 cents to see me eat them. 50 cents?! I'd only pay 50 cents if you ate 50 worms. That's a penny a worm. Right. I'll give you a nickel to eat those five. Five cents?! What if I have to go to the hospital because of this? Oh, all right. I'll throw in another nickel if you go to the hospital. ...not so fast! First, prove you even HAVE two nickels!
Calvin has five worms and tells Susie she'll have to pay 50 cents to see him eat them. Susie says she'll pay a penny a worm. Calvin asks what happens if he goes to the hospital because of eating the worms. Susie offers another nickel if he goes to the hospital. Calvin wants to see the two nickels first.

ch930520: OK, give me the nickel and I'll eat the worms. No, you eat the worms and THEN I'll give you the nickel. How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job? Sorry! You don't get paid until you do the work. Man, you'd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots! Usually, if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.
Calvin asks for the nickel to eat the worms. Susie says she'll pay after he eats the worms. He asks for two cents up front. Susie won't pay until he does the work. Calvin thinks the guy eating the worms would call the shots. Susie offers that if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms.

ch930521: Ready? Five worms down the hatch! Here goes! Closer... closer... wriggling, squirming, dirty, slimy worms! Closer... closer! Boy, they're really close now! How revolting! Closer... closer! Um... feel free to run away screaming any time. Not with my nickel at stake.
Calvin starts to eat the worms. He pauses, explaining how slimy and dirty the worms are. He peeks at Susie while saying how much closer he's getting to eating the worms. He tells Susie she can run away screaming at any time. Susie won't with her nickel on the line.

ch930522: Calvin, WHAT are you doing? I'm eating worms for a nickel! No you're not! Time for you to come home! And Susie, it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. AW MOM, YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING! What a relief! Thanks Mom. Great timing. If I haven't seen you for two minutes, I figure there's trouble.
Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells her he's eating worms for a nickel. Mom says he isn't, and she takes him home. Mom tells Susie it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. Calvin is relieved. He thanks Mom. Mom says if she hasn't seen him in two minutes, there's trouble.

ch930523: How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to "tie his shoe". He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it.

ch930524: Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol' heartstrings. Some of these I haven't personally experienced, sad to say.
Calvin writes the little joys of life. Petting a dog, reading a comic book, smiling when a kid calls you a nasty name and you punch his teeth down his neck. Hobbes reads Calvin's list and says he pulls the ol' heartstrings.

ch930525: Look, Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice, here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also, I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase, explosion, murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less, hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
Calvin says the world is like TV. He says the colors outside are less intense and the people are uglier. He can go minutes without a car chase, murder, or explosion. Hobbes asks why he would settle for less as Calvin watches his favorite deodorant commercial.

ch930526: You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me.
Calvin sits behind a box reading "Candid Opinions". Susie walks by, and Calvin calls her a bug-eyed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt. Lying on his smashed box, Calvin suggests volunteer social work isn't for him.

ch930527: Today for show and tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show you the card, you yell the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ...Ready? She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
Calvin has some flash cards he made for show and tell. Each card has a letter with some dashes. The class is supposed to yell the vulgar word they stand for. At his desk, Calvin grouses about Miss Wormwood being such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.

ch930528: I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right! Do I have career options or what? I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.
Calvin believes greed justifies everything. He says private lives are legitimate public entertainment, and the lowest common denominator is always right. He asks Hobbes if he has career options, or what. Hobbes thinks he needs to start hanging around with other animals.

ch930529: Ooh! Ahh! Eee! POP. It could've happened! Only corn does that. Add some cold water and get back in the tub.
Getting in the bathtub, Calvin heats up and pops. Downstairs wrapped in a towel, he tells Mom it could have happened. Mom tells him that only corn does that. She suggests he add cold water and get back in the tub.

ch930530: Historical marker. "Calvin's house". In January, some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? I'M not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if you'll excuse me, duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of mega-might is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home, Mom.
An alien beams down from his spaceship and talks to Calvin, but he doesn't understand. The alien attacks Calvin. Calvin runs into his house and hides in the corner while the alien comes to him. The alien notices the television, so Calvin turns it on for him. The alien is happy, and Calvin is relieved. The alien beams back to his spaceship. Dad turns off the television and complains to Calvin about it being on. Calvin tries to explain.

ch930531: I'm not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! I've decided to be a "hunter-gatherer" when I grow up! I'll be living naked in a tropical forest, subsisting on berries, grubs, and the occasional frog, and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.
Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a "hunter-gatherer" when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions.

ch930601: Miss Wormwood, I have a question about this math lesson. Yes? Give that, sooner or later, we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers? Turn to page 83, class. Nobody likes us "big picture" people.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what the point of learning integers is if they're all just going to die. Miss Wormwood ignores him. He grouses that nobody likes "big picture" people.

ch930602: The problem with people is they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters! I see why people don't like to look at the big picture. Well, it puts a bad day in perspective.
Calvin tells Hobbes people don't look at the big picture. He says everyone will die, the sun will explode, and they're all doomed. He says existence is temporary and nothing matters. Hobbes sees why people don't like to look at the big picture. Calvin says it puts a bad day in perspective.

ch930603: Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if they can arrange their seats in a circle and have a discussion of whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. Sitting with a dunce cap in the corner, Calvin says they'd rather teach stuff any fool can look up in a book.

ch930604: I flunked a test today. But I don't mind. No? It's a question of priorities, Hobbes. A man's got to make room for what he cares about. These days are precious, and I'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. I never really thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Apparently, neither has Dad.
Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he failed a test but doesn't mind. Calvin says a man has to make room for what he cares about. The days are precious, so he'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. Hobbes never thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Calvin tells him neither has Dad.

ch930605: You know why birds don't write their memoirs? Because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why! Who'd want to read what a bird does? Nobody, that's who! This is changing the subject, but have you ever noticed how somebody can say something totally loony and not be aware of it? What are you supposed to do, just let it slide?? Sometimes if you wait, he'll top himself. I say just punch 'im then and there!
Calvin asks Hobbes why birds don't write their memoirs. Calvin says nobody would want to read what a bird does. Calvin then asks Hobbes if he's noticed how some people can say something loony and not be aware of it. He asks if you're supposed to do. Hobbes offers that if you wait, he'll top himself.

ch930606: Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! It's impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! You're still wrong, Dad.
Calvin is writing a self-help book. He tells Hobbes you convince people there's something wrong with them, and that the problem isn't their fault. Lastly, you convince them that with your guidance, they can conquer their problem and be happy. Hobbes asks what problem he's going to help people solve. Calvin says their addiction to self-help books. His book is called "Shut Up and Stop Whining: How to Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself". Hobbes thinks he should wait for the advance before buying anything. Calvin says if his program works, he can't write a sequel.

ch930607: THIS IS A BIG, FAT WASTE OF MY TIME! HELLPP!! IT'S THE THOUGHT POLICE!
In class, Calvin shouts that this is a big waste of his time. Later, he yells it's the thought police as hands try to grab him back into the classroom.

ch930608: Want to hear a joke? Sure! OK, this guy goes into a bar. No, wait, he doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. OK, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd, I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget, but it was funny. I'll try to imagine it. Yeah, you'll really laugh.
Calvin tells Hobbes a joke, or tries to. He starts it with a guy going into a bar. Calvin stops, then says it's a grocery store. Then, he decides it doesn't matter. Calvin says it's in the vicinity of a bar. He continues by saying there's a dog who says something odd, but Calvin doesn't remember what it was. Then the guy says something Calvin can't remember. He tells Hobbes it was funny. Hobbes offers to try to imagine it.

ch930609: Hello? Hello. Is your mother home? What business is it of YOURS, jerk?! SLAM! Some people sure are nosy. I left three messages today, and nobody returned my call. How rude.
Calvin answers the phone. When the caller asks if Mom is home, Calvin slams the phone down after asking what business is it of theirs. He walks off saying people are sure nosy. Mom says she left three messages, and nobody has returned her calls. Calvin says people are rude.

ch930610: I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh, I don't. If you have a machine, you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls you'd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine, you can just let the phone ring, and eventually the caller gives up and you don't have to talk to him. That wasn't quite my point. That's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so I'm always talking to people.
Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people.

ch930611: The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink COW milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? Isn't that weird? I think conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.
With breakfast cereal in hand, Calvin tells Hobbes the more you think of things, the weirder they seem. He asks who the first person was who looked at a cow and said he'd drink whatever comes out of these things when he squeezes them. He asks Hobbes if that isn't weird. Hobbes thinks conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.

ch930612: I've been disempowered. My centering, self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic, co-dependent dysfunctionality! You've been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash. ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?!
Calvin yells that he's been disempowered. His self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic dysfunctionality. Mom says he's been temporarily inconvenienced to take out the trash. Calvin asks if she's saying there's a difference.

ch930613: Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
Calvin puts on his cycling helmet. Calvin's bike sneaks around a tree and attacks him. He runs, but the bike catches up and runs him over. It chases him up a tree, then drags him along behind it. Calvin walks into the house, covered in scratches. He thanks Dad for the helmet. He asks if they sell offensive weapons.

ch930614: No text
Calvin tries to fly a kite. It won't go up. He tosses it aside. He gets a helium balloon and flies that instead.

ch930615: Dad, what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No, but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today.
Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today.

ch930616: What do you think that cloud looks like? A bunch of suspended water and ice particles,... why? Everybody hates a literalist.
Looking at the sky, Susie asks Calvin what that cloud looks like. Calvin replies a bunch of suspended water and ice particles. Susie walks away. Calvin says everybody hates a literalist.

ch930617: Mom, can I have the car keys? No. Can you believe the encyclopedia doesn't have an entry for "hotwire"?
Calvin asks Mom for the car keys. She says no. Calvin runs off, then returns. He tells Mom there isn't an entry in the encyclopedia for "hotwire".

ch930618: When I spit, I get pretty good saliva cohesion, but I'm still not getting much distance or accuracy. I think the problem lies in the mix of phlegm. If you don't get that critical mucus mass, you just... ...Hobbes? Nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he spits, he gets good saliva cohesion, but not much distance. Calvin pushes his nose, saying he thinks the problem is in the mix of phlegm. He says if you don't get that critical mucus mass, it doesn't work. He looks around to find Hobbes gone. Calvin complains nobody likes to hear about a hobby.

ch930619: You know what I like to do when someone's talking to me? I stare at the person's chin. I'll nod and respond to whatever he's saying. But I keep looking at his chin and changing my expression. I look quizzical at first, then vaguely repulsed, and later, quietly amused. Then I'll suddenly arch my eyebrows and blink a lot, and then I look skeptical and disbelieving. You get bonus points every time the person loses his train of thought. I'll bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter.
Calvin tells Hobbes when someone's talking to him, he looks at the person's chin. He nods to whatever is being said, but he keeps looking at the person's chin. He looks quizzical at first, then repulsed. He arches his eyebrows, then looks skeptical and disbelieving. Calvin says you get bonus points when the person loses his train of thought. Hobbes thinks Calvin's natural charm has made him into a good sprinter.

ch930620: Oh Calvin, would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy, some vacation THIS summer is!
Calvin tells Hobbes he loves summer. He has three months of nothing to do. As they climb a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin people say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Calvin resents that. Calvin says they work darn hard at this. In the tree, they have a bunch of water balloons. Below the tree is an "X" marked on the grass. There are signs nearby directing someone to stand there for a big surprise.

ch930621: What if there's no afterlife? Suppose this is all we get? Oh, what the heck. I'll take it anyway. Yeah, but if I'm not going to be eternally rewarded for good behavior, I'd sure like to know NOW.
Lying under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes about what happens if there's no afterlife. What if this is all they get? Hobbes looks around and says he'll take it anyway. Calvin says if he's not going to be eternally rewarded for his behavior, he'd like to know now.

ch930622: Phup phupp phup PHBBTTB. Hey, that was a GOOD one! Thank you. It's funny how you never see Mom and Dad practice these. Phup phup. They're probably good at it already.
Calvin and Hobbes put their hands under their armpits and make noises. Calvin congratulates Hobbes on one of his that was extra loud. Calvin says it's funny he never sees Mom and Dad practicing those. Hobbes figures it's because they're good at it already.

ch930623: I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didn't have any violence, explosive action, or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? It's hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
Calvin tells Hobbes he watched an old movie with Mom last night. There was nothing shocking about the movie at all. Hobbes asks if he liked the movie. Calvin can't say. Not having his emotions manipulated is a weird experience.

ch930624: Thursday, Day 4. Light winds, good humidity. Progress slow, getting discouraged. I'm only burping - not truly BELCHING. Mellow roundness remains elusive. Harmonics coming along with developing amplitude. Hang in there! They say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.
Calvin makes a diary entry. He says he's only burping, not belching. The harmonics are coming with developing amplitude. He tells Hobbes that they say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.

ch930625: The literary world is abuzz about Mabel Syrup's sequel to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." We have to buy it! It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander"! Achitects should be forced to live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories aloud every single night of their rotten lives.
Calvin tells Dad the literary world is abuzz with Mabel Syrup's sequel of "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Calvin says they have to buy it. It's called "Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander". Dad says architects should live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories every single night of their rotten lives.

ch930626: Hobbes is laughing in his sleep. Hee hee he. Psst! What's so funny? Zzz... shh, I'm going to pounce on Calvin... zz... hee hee... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, CALVIN!
Calvin sees Hobbes laughing in his sleep. He whispers to Hobbes asking what's so funny. Hobbes mumbles back that he's going to pounce on Calvin. Calvin yells in Hobbes' ear for Calvin to run for his life. It shocks Hobbes awake, and Hobbes chases Calvin.

ch930627: Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of life's mysterious quirks, Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size, folding the sheet is difficult, but soon Calvin's patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! There's Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dad's attention! I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, "Go play outside!"
Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo.

ch930628: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. I'm not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle.
Calvin says Mom and Dad tell him to make his life an example of the principles he believes in. Every time he does, they tell him to stop it. Hobbes says he isn't sure total self-indulgence is a principle.

ch930629: Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, Oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh, look at the spider suck out that bug's juices!
Calvin sees a spider web. He says a poem, praising the web's beauty. He ends the poem by commenting on the spider sucking out the bug's juices.

ch930630: I read that scientists are trying to make computers that THINK. Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines? Irrational behavior. Maybe they'll invent a psychotic computer.
Calvin says scientists are making computers that think. He asks Hobbes what will people be better at than machines. Hobbes offers irrational behavior. Calvin figures they'll invent a psychotic computer.

ch930701: I need a push! Somebody come and give me a push! RRRGGHHH. Where the heck is the manual override?!
Calvin sits on a swing. He yells out for someone to push him. No one comes. He tries rocking the swing himself to no avail. He gets off the swing and looks for the manual override.

ch930702: If you stick your tongue out for a long time, it dries up! Try it! Why would anyone want his tongue to dry up?! Because then it feels really weird when you touch it. I'll take your word for it. Some people just aren't open to revelatory experiences.
Calvin says if you stick your tongue out long enough, it dries up. Hobbes wonders why anyone would want his tongue dried up. Calvin says it feels weird when you touch it. Hobbes says he'll take Calvin's word and walks off. Calvin says some people aren't open to revelatory experiences.

ch930703: ZZIZZZZ WHIPP FLIP ZZZZ ZZZZ FWAP! ZIPPPP ZZZZZ. The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no application in real life.
Calvin has a yo-yo. He whips it around and around, ending up perfectly in his hand. Calvin says the only skills he has the patience to learn are things with no real application in life.

ch930704: Another day, another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and I've got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like I'm always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. I'd sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic, no schedule, no phone calls... boy, that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin, read a book, go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldn't end if I didn't go into the office today. Days like this don't come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!
Mom pulls an octopus out of the refrigerator. He plungers the creature into a pot, pours gasoline, a shrunken head, paint, and weed killer onto it, then mixes it. At dinner, Calvin pushes his plate away. Mom says she spent over an hour fixing it. Calvin says he saw what went into it, and he's not touching it.

ch930705: Can you make a living playing silly games? Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. ...sighhh...
Calvin tosses a baseball into the air, but misses his swing of the bat. He asks Dad if you can make a living playing silly games. Dad tells him you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. Calvin sighs as he tries to hit the ball again.

ch930706: I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?
Calvin puts a box, which has drawings on it to look like a computer, over himself. He tells Hobbes he's the world's most powerful computer, and offers to answer any question. Hobbes wonders why the computer wears little red sneakers. Calvin chases Hobbes.

ch930707: I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Did Calvin clean his room as I asked him to, or did he spend the whole morning playing with a cardboard box? Um... system error... delete question and try again. What happened? Mom booted me up here.
Calvin puts the box over himself, then tells Mom to ask him a question. Mom asks if Calvin cleaned his room or spend the day playing with a cardboard box. Calvin says there was a system error. He says to delete the question and try again. Upstairs, Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says Mom booted him up there.

ch930708: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world OWES me happiniess, fulfillment and success. Well, lucky you! Yeah, I'm just here to cash in.
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he won't do anything he doesn't want to. He says the world owes him happiness and fulfillment. Calvin says he's just here to cash in.

ch930709: What assurance do I have that parenting isn't screwing me up?
Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Calvin asks what assurance he has that their parenting isn't screwing him up.

ch930710: Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldn't lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason, the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.
Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental.

ch930711: How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
There are several pictures of Calvin and Hobbes floating in the air, dancing. Hopping down from a bed, he says there's nothing like a big bed for dancing. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad don't mind bad springs.

ch930712: Gorgeous morning. Huh Dad? Mm. These summer days sure slip by, don't they? Too bad the daily drudgery of making a living has to keep you from appreciating these sublime moments of life. Well, best not to think about it! If you stay healthy, you can enjoy days like this when you retire! See you tonight! Ahhh. Summer!
Calvin tells Dad summer days sure slip by. He says too bad the daily drudgery of making a living keeps Dad from appreciating these sublime moments of life. As Dad leaves for work, Calvin tells him not to think about it. If he stays healthy, Dad can enjoy days like this when he retires. Later, under a tree, Calvin and Hobbes are lying. Calvin is glad it's summer.

ch930713: Look what I've got! What is it? It's the box a bar of soap comes in. It's a tradition that when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. You'd probably be more impressive if you tried using the soap. Let me know if you see any multitudes.
Calvin shows Hobbes the box a bar of soap comes in. Calvin says it's a tradition when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. Hobbes says Calvin would be more impressive if he tried using the soap. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him know if he sees any multitudes.

ch930714: I have a very sarcastic mother.
Mom dresses Calvin in his raincoat and cap. Calvin goes to the kitchen to eat his soup. Calvin says he has a very sarcastic mother.

ch930715: My elbows are grass-stained, I've got sticks in my hair, I'm covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... I've got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt, my hands are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I'm hot, dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it!
Calvin's elbows are grass-stained, he has bites and scratches, sand in his socks, and leaves in his shirt. His hands are sticky with sap. He's hot, dirty, itchy, and tired. With Calvin in the bathtub, Hobbes says to consider this day seized. Calvin says tomorrow, they'll seize the day and throttle it.

ch930716: I saw your teacher, Miss Wormwood, in the supermarket today. She said to say Hi. You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket? Well certainly. What did you think? I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
Mom tells Calvin she saw Miss Wormwood in the supermarket. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood shops at the supermarket. Mom says yes, what did he think? Calvin figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.

ch930717: WHAP. Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring y doorbell, hold the bat, and yell, "Ha ha!" Why is that worth ten cents to you?
Calvin tosses a ball into the air, and he hits it with the bat. He looks startled. He pushes Susie to his door, telling her to ring the bell , hold the bat, and yell "Ha, Ha". Susie has the bat in her hand. She asks him why it is worth ten cents to him.

ch930718: Call it. Heads. You said "Tails", right? I said HEADS. What a play! I'll bet it takes you four downs just to get back on the field! I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
In different colors, Hobbes makes comments on how something looks. Hobbes likes the green one. Mom asks what Calvin wants. She looks, then tells him to put them back. Grumpily, Calvin says Mom said no. Hobbes suggests grown-ups have no taste. They had been looking at different sunglasses.

ch930719: We don't understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography.
Calvin says history is the fiction they invent to persuade themselves events are knowable and that life has order. Calvin says that's why events are reinterpreted when values change. New versions of history are needed to allow for current prejudices. Hobbes asks what Calvin is writing. Calvin tells him it's a revisionist autobiography.

ch930720: A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime, ... "high" art! The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work, ... "low" art. A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ... "high" art. Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip? Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ..."low" art.
Calvin looks at a painting on the wall, calling it "high" art. He looks at a comic strip, calling it "low" art. He looks at a painting of a comic strip. He calls it sophisticated irony and "high" art. Hobbes says to suppose a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip. Calvin calls is sophomoric and "low" art as he starts drawing the picture.

ch930721: MOMM! HEY, MOM! Calvin, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room, where I am! I stepped in dog doo. Where's the hose?
Calvin yells into the house for Mom. Mom tells him to stop yelling across the house. She says if he wants to talk to her, he can walk to the living room where she is. He does it. He tells Mom he stepped in dog doo and asks where the hose is.

ch930722: Here's a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way, and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back, and he rights himself and continues on his way. He's focused, determined, and steadfast. If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him.
Calvin looks at a bug walking on the dirt. Calvin puts a rock in its way, and he goes around it. If Calvin flips it on its back, it rights itself and continues on. The bug is steadfast, determined, and focused. Calvin looks at it. He says if the bug is mocking him, he's going to goosh it.

ch930723: YOWP! AHH! OOH! What a dumb ride, on the hottest days you need the heaviest pands.
Calvin climbs the slide and sits down. It burns him, so he climbs down. He says it's a dumb ride. On the hottest days, you need the heaviest pants.

ch930724: I hate going to bed before it's dark out! It's not fair! I'll show Mom and Dad, though! They'll pay for this! If I have to go to bed while it's still light, then I'm going to get up when it's still dark!
Calvin hates going to be before it's dark. He tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad will pay. He says if he has to go to bed while it's still light, he's going to get up when it's still dark.

ch930725: To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all.
A Zokk circles above a planet where Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft has crashed. Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land. An alien comes over, tells him to put on sun screen and wear a hat if he's going to be outside. The alien walks off telling Spiff to have some common sense. Mom tells Calvin not to give him that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship, and goes to find a more temperate climate with fewer aliens.

ch930726: Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump! Ahh, you've fallen into my trap! Maybe you'd like to take that move over! Your remaining piece must have one heck of a plan.
Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's checkers. Calvin looks at the board and tells Hobbes he's fallen into his trap. Hobbes replies that his remaining piece must have a heck of a plan.

ch930727: These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Who'd have guessed big brother would go commercial? I love to snicker at other people's tragedy.
Calvin says real-life video programs are great. Ordinary people have horrible experiences, which are broadcast for everyone's viewing amusement. It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one. Hobbes asks who'd have thought Big Brother would go commercial. Calvin loves to snicker at other people's tragedy.

ch930728: Dad, what's a control freak? That's what lazy, slipshod, careless, cut-corner workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Am I in the presence of their king? Should I kneel? If anything works in this world, it's because one of us took charge.
Calvin asks Dad what a control freak is. Dad tells him it's what lazy workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Calvin asks if he's in the presence of their king. Dad says if anything works in this world, it's because someone took charge.

ch930729: SPLOOSH! AAA! No! Wait! Think about it! Wasn't that refreshing?? I need to work on my salesmanship.
Calvin hits Mom with a water balloon. As she chases him, he asks if that wasn't refreshing. In bed, Calvin says he needs to work on his salesmanship.

ch930730: Mom says if I stay up here for two hours, three days a week, I don't have to take any lessons this summer.
In their treehouse, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him if he stays up there for two hours, three days a week, he doesn't have to take any lessons this summer.

ch930731: I like people. I'm interested in people. YOU?? As an audience, I mean. Oh.
Calvin says he likes people. Hobbes can't believe it. Calvin clarifies he likes people as an audience.

ch930801: I got a goal! OH, the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now, because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didn't know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You can't see it. It's invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You can't see anything, right? OK, so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact, I'll show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry, this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THAT'S NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah, yeah, anything we make up. Well, you'll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone!
At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute.

ch930802: This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order! First tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Thank you. "9:30 - Meeting called to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin proposes resolution condemning existence of girls." "9:35 - First tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. 9:36 - Patriotism of first tiger called into question. 9:37 - Philosophical discussion. 10:15 - Bandages administered. Dictator-for-life rebuked for biting." Is this a great club or what? "10:16 - Forgot what the debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of the last meeting. Calvin proposed a resolution condemning existence of girls. First tiger abstains from vote. Patriotism of first tiger called into question. Philosophical discussion, followed by bandages being administered. Hobbes ends with reading they forgot what debate was about, so medals of bravery were awarded to all.

ch930803: Gentlemen, the purpose of today's meeting is to devise another brilliant plan to annoy our enemy! "Dictator-for-life Calvin's bold proposal is greeted with huzzahs from membership." We have tolerated the enemy's presence too long, I say! "Shouts of asset, much pounding on tables. Three cheers erupt for club ideals. Membership reduced to tears. More huzzahs. Pandemonium ensues. Boy, leading a club is a heady experience. Good meetings always turn into riots.
Today's meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is to devise a plan to annoy the enemy. Hobbes writes the proposal is greeted with huzzahs. Calvin says they've tolerated the enemy's presence too long. Hobbes writes there are shouts of assent, followed by pandemonium. Calvin says leading a club is a heady experience. Hobbes says good minutes turn into riots.

ch930804: Field scout Calvin reports the enemy was sighted. Engaged in emeny activity, on the sidewalk two doors down. As chief strategist, I suggest... Excuse me. A question from the floor. The chair recognizes first tiger Hobbes. Exactly what "enemy activity" was the enemy engaged in? You know, girl stuff! Ah. Say no more.
G.R.O.S.S. field scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted. Hobbes asks a question. Hobbes asks what activity the enemy was engaged in. Calvin replies "girl stuff". Hobbes says to say no more.

ch930805: All right, here's the plan! We make up a fake code with fake instructions and see that it "accidentally" falls into Susie's hands! She decodes the message, which says we DON'T want her to go behind our house! Naturally, she'll go there, and we'll be waiting, ready to soak her with water balloons! Why don't we just hit her with water balloons right now, where she's sitting? You're a good officer, Hobbes. But let's face it, you don't have an executive mind. I still think my idea SORT of makes sense...
G.R.O.S.S. makes a plan to write a fake code that "accidentally" will fall into Susie's hands. She'll decode the message saying not to go behind the house, where they'll wait for her with water balloons. Hobbes asks why they just don't hit her with water balloons where she's sitting. Calvin says Hobbes is a good officer, but he doesn't have an executive mind.

ch930806: Now this is supposed to look like a coded message from me to you, but we'll leave it for Susie to find. Obviously, the code will have to be easy to break, so she can read the disinformation we're giving her. Who about if we write backwards? Yeah, that's good! Dear Hobbes. Gosh, I hope Susie's not too dumb to figure this out. Cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like us.
Calvin writes a coded message. Calvin writes backwards. He hopes Susie isn't too dumb to figure out the code. Hobbes says cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like them.

ch930807: TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES, IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON, ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message, she'll be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young.
The coded message to Hobbes says their plans will be ruined if Susie goes behind the house at noon. Calvin's regret is blowing the best day of his life while he's so young.

ch930808: Buttons... check. Dials... check. Switches... check. Little colored lights... check. Calvin, the airline pilot, is tenth in life for takeoff. His patience is at an end! Ignoring the control tower's protests, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes, cutting across less crowded runways! Rounding a corner, he opens the throttle! Stewardesses explaining the aircraft's safety features are hurled to the rear of the plane by the sudden acceleration! All the other planes watch with envy as Calvin takes off ahead of schedule! But what is this?! Another plane has already recieved clearance to land! It's headed for the same runway! It looks like a mid-air collission over a crowded super highway at rush hour! Oh, what a price to pay for his hurry! I'm back! Thanks for waiting so patiently. I could wait even longer if you'd buy me a THIRD plane.
Calvin throws a rock at a bee hive. They chase him. A giant bee comes after him. YOWW! Mom says she doesn't see the "harpoon" that "gored" him, but she does something to help the sting. Calvin says the National Guard can track the bee on radar.

ch930809: Good! Susie's still playing on the sidewalk! We'll stroll by and "accidentally" drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes, I have a TOP SECRET, CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesn't fall into a GIRL'S hands! If the code is broken and read, our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except she's not picking up the letter.
Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter.

ch930810: Why isn't Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesn't she SEE it?? What's WRONG with her?! Doesn't she know enough to intercept somebody else's secret letter when it's dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasn't paying attention to us. That's inconceivable! Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.

ch930811: Look! Susie sees the letter! She's picking it up! She's reading the envelope! ... she's walking over here... You dropped this letter for Hobbes. Here. Um... gee, thanks. Well, that was awfully decent of her. It's no use! It's no use! Everybody gets good enemies except ME!
Hobbes sees Susie picking up the letter. She walks over, and returns the letter to Calvin. Hobbes says that was awfully decent of her. Calvin bangs his hands on the tree, saying everybody gets good enemies except him.

ch930812: Let's stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN, Hobbes! Yes, lets! It's a good think you have that TOP SECRET, CODED letter, Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE, and I FOUND THE LETTER, I'd PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT, so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! She's opening the letter! Good. I was afraid we'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her.

ch930813: This must be the coded letter Calvin's trying to get me to read. Hmph, not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. "Dear Hobbes, if Susie goes behind our house at noon, all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin." Gosh, it's almost noon! I'd better hurry over to Calvin's house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! C'mon Hobbes, hurry!
Susie reads the coded note. She's suspicious. She yells that she better hurry over to spoil their plans. Calvin says she fell for it, so off they go.

ch930814: Oh boy, this is going to be great! Get the water balloons! Hurry! We've got to hide before Susie gets here. Ha ha! She swallowed that fake letter hook, line and sinker! She thinks she's tricking US, but we'll trick HER! We're geniuses, Hobbes! Hee hee! Man, is she in for a surprise! I wonder what's keeping her. She probably got lost.
Calvin and Hobbes grab water balloons. They hide behind a bush. Hobbes wonders what's keeping her. Calvin thinks she got lost.

ch930815: Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin.
Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary.

ch930816: It's past noon! Why isn't Susie walking into our brilliant ambush?! Where is she?! You stay here and guard the water balloons. I'll go on a reconnaissance mission and find out what she's doing. Wait a minute. Why can't I go on the reconnaissance mission? Because if you get captured, you'll tell Susie anything for a tummy rub. I MIGHT not!
Calvin wonders why Susie isn't walking into their ambush. Calvin is going on a reconnaissance mission to find out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders why he can't go. Calvin says if Susie captured him, he'd tell Susie anything for a tummy rub.

ch930817: You can't trust a girl to do anything right! We go to all this trouble to lure Susie into this trap, and she doesn't shop up! As soon as I find out where she is, I'll get Hobbes and the water balloons and we'll let her have it! If she won't come to the ambush, we'll bring the ambush to her! Five... four... three... two...
Calvin says you can't trust a girl to do anything right. When he finds her, he'll get Hobbes and they'll hit her with the water balloons. As he approaches the corner of the house, he says if Susie won't come to the ambush, they'll bring it to her. Around the corner stands Susie, with the water hose in her hand. She starts a countdown.

ch930818: AAUGGH! OH NO! AIEE! ACKPTH! BLUBPLUB PLPPTTB! This doesn't go in the club log, understood? It never happened. Since you're already wet, it would be a shame not to use these water balloons.
Hobbes hears the sounds of Calvin being soaked by Susie. Calvin walks over to him and sits down. He tells Hobbes this doesn't go into the club log. It never happened. Hobbes says since he's already wet, it seems a shame to waste their water balloons.

ch930819: It's a dark day for the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club. Our great plan backfired and I'M the one who got soaked! Oh, the shame! The ignominy! ...sighhhh... If you resign, can I be dictator-for-life? I DIDN'T SAY I WAS RESIGNING!
Calvin says it's a dark day for G.R.O.S.S. His plan backfired, and he got soaked. Hobbes asks if he can be dictator-for-life if Calvin resigns.

ch930820: Well Hobbes, the battle may have been lost, but the war goes on! This afternoon, we'll devise a bigger, better, and even more complicated scheme, and revenge will be ours! The spirit of G.R.O.S.S.ness cannot be extinguished! ...and for courage in the face of setbacks, I award us bottle caps of valor! Yayy! A good meeting always ends with us getting new medals! This is SUCH a great club!
Calvin says the battle was lost, but the war goes on. He says the spirit of G.R.O.S.S. will not be extinguished. He awards bottle caps of valor for their courage in the face of temporary setbacks. Hobbes says a good meeting always ends with them getting medals.

ch930821: Here Calvin, I brought some lunch for you and Hobbes. Gee thanks, Mom. What do you say we break out the comic books while we think up our big plans? Oh boy! It's looking like a good afternoon, ol' buddy. I love summer.
Mom brings Calvin some lunch. They decide to read comic books in their treehouse. Calvin says it's looking like a good afternoon.

ch930822: Uh oh. Here comes Susie. Try not to breathe in. Here, Calvin. What's this? It's an invtiation. Mr. Bun is hosting a milk and cookie party in ten minutes, and you and Hobbes are invited. WE DECLINE! We wouldn't attend if you PAID us! We've got better things to do than sit around with GIRLS and dumb toy animals! Fine! DON'T come! Who cares? What a jerk. ...I went to all this trouble, too. Don't be disappointed, Mr. Bun. We can have a nice party all by ourselves. Phooey. Ha! We showed HER! All girls should be shipped to Pluto - that's what I say. I wonder what kind of cookies they were. YOU CAME! We don't ATTEND parties. We just CRASH 'em!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin wishes he could stop summer and leave days like they are. He says life rolls along with speed you can't control. Fun experiences go roaring by, as they blaze past trees. Calvin adds that bad experiences never pass quickly enough, as they fly off the cliff. As they lie in the stream below, Calvin wants to speed up childhood and get to driving age. Hobbes doesn't mind the pace of life. It's the sudden stop at the end.

ch930823: This is Dad's idea of taking us to the beach.
Hobbes sits in the sandbox, Calvin in the blowup pool. He tells Hobbes this is Dad's idea of taking them to the beach.

ch930824: Yep, that's a pretty good cow impression. From now on, that's how I eat salads.
Calvin slowly moves his mouth in a chewing motion. Hobbes says that's a pretty good cow impression. Calvin says that's how he's eating salads from now on.

ch930825: All right, here's a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! That's life!
Sitting at a box labeled "Life" and costing five cents, Susie gives Calvin the nickel and asks what she gets. Calvin says nothing. He just ripped her off. Susie is outraged. Calvin says "that's life". Off to the side of the crushed box, Susie pounds Calvin.

ch930826: Oh, Mom? I just remembered. Some lady called you about an hour ago. Did you get her name and number? No... Well how am I supposed to call her back?! You don't need to. She's still on the line.
Calvin remembers to tell Mom someone called an hour ago. Mom asks if he got her name and number. Calvin says no. Mom asks how she's supposed to call her back. Calvin says she doesn't need to. The person is still on the line.

ch930827: Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mail's here.
Calvin checks the mail. There's nothing for him, so he puts the letters back in the mailbox. He goes inside and tells Mom the mail's there.

ch930828: Yesterday Dad told me not to eat a pepper because it was hot, ... so I ate the whole thing in two bites. Man, was I ever in agony! I was ricocheting off the walls all night! I thought I was going to explode! I gotta get a stunt double.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad told him not to eat a pepper because it was hot. Calvin ate the thing in two bites. He was in agony and thought he was going to explode. He says he has to get a stunt double.

ch930829: Well! Peanut butter! ... or so it SEEMS. Did you see that? Hmm? What? My sandwich wiggled! There's something ALIVE in it! Oh stop it, Calvin. I'm not kidding! Mom must be trying to kill me! I bet there's a slug in my peanut butter! Eww! Hmm... I don't FEEL any slugs in here. What could it be? I'd better smell it. AUGH! AUGH! IT'S GOT MY NOSE!! THE PEANUT BUTTER ITSELF IS ALIVE! IT'S OOZING UP MY FACE! IT'S GOING TO SUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS! HELP! RRGH! MMF! BLRGHGH! I got it off! Quick! Drown it in chocolate milk! Boy, what a close call THAT was! Won't MOM be disappointed to see her little plot FAILED! Look at you! I've never SEEN anything so revolting! What's wrong with you?! I'm eating somewhere else. Girls are so weird.
Calvin read an article about how much violence is on television. As he watches TV, Calvin says he's seen a few thousand homicides. He says it's his right to watch violence on TV. It's people like him who make those programs profitable. He says the customer is always right, and the shows have to pander to his tastes. He likes shootouts, car wrecks, and grisly murders. He likes to be entertained. Hobbes asks if he doesn't think all that violence is desensitizing. Calvin says no. He'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects him.

ch930830: If I could just lead to ride that bicycle, I could go all sorts of places. I could cover miles in no time at all! I could go anywhere! I could... AAAAAAAAA I could go to heaven. You? I doubt it.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if he could learn to ride his bicycle, he could go anywhere. He could cover miles in no time. The bicycle chases Calvin as he runs off. Later, Calvin is run over. Calvin says he could go to heaven. Hobbes doubts it.

ch930831: OK bike, listen up! I don't like you and you don't like me. But I'VE got the tools to reduce you to piles of pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings! Do we understand each other? AAAAAAA. Maybe altogether too well.
Calvin tells the bike to listen up. He says he has the tools to reduce the bike to pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings. He asks the bike if they understand each other. The bike chases Calvin. After he's run over, Calvin says "maybe altogether too well".

ch930901: Dad, Will You Put A Bell On My Bike? I Think You Should Learn How To Ride Before You Worry About Having A Bell To Ring. Not THAT Kind Of Bell! I Want One That'll Warn Me When The Darn Bike's Sneaking Up On Me!
Calvin asks Dad to put a bell on his bike. Dad tells him to learn to ride it before he worries about having a bell to ring. Calvin explains he wants a bell that will warn him when the bike's sneaking up on him.

ch930902: I know why Dad got me that bike! He's trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon I'll have my head through a tree trunk and he'll have some peace and quiet! I'M on to him! I suppose that's easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure, what if the house didn't sell?
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad got the bike to bump Calvin off. Calvin says Dad figures the bike will have Calvin's head through a tree trunk and he'll have peace and quiet. He says he's on to Dad. Hobbes supposes that's easier than sending Calvin to camp and moving. Calvin agrees. He asks what would happen if the house didn't sell.

ch930903: That cloud does impressions!
Calvin looks at a cloud in the sky. It turns into the shape of a duck. Calvin tells Mom the cloud does impressions.

ch930904: Calvin, would you set the table for me please? Mm... I don't think so. I'm not enthusiastic about setting the table. I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.
Mom asks Calvin to help her set the table. Calvin doesn't think so. He's not enthusiastic about setting the table. As Calvin helps set the table, he says he doesn't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it.

ch930905: OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
The numeral '3' turns into a pterodactyl. It flies past a brontosaurus, whose neck forms the numeral '2'. Calvin sits at his school desk while the teacher asks what three plus two is.

ch930906: I originally thought I was going to be a teen idol. Oh? Then I thought, why wait until I'm a teen-ager?! I want to be idolized NOW! Then you should probably blow your nose more regularly. Want an autographed 8x10 glossy?
Calvin tells Hobbes he originally thought he'd be a teen idol. Calvin doesn't want to wait. He wants to be idolized now. Hobbes suggests he should blow his nose more regularly. Calvin hands Hobbes an autographed 8 x 10 glossy.

ch930907: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. What's misunderstood about you? Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
As Calvin gets dressed, he tells Hobbes he's a misunderstood genius. Hobbes asks what's misunderstood about Calvin. As Calvin walks away with his clothes on wrong, he tells Hobbes nobody thinks he's a genius.

ch930908: At this room, time enters a no-passing zone.
Calvin sits bored at his school desk. He looks at the clock. He says in the classroom, time enters a no-passing zone.

ch930909: Let go of me, ya big galoot! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?! They'd hit back. ...I guess that has a certain unethical logic to it...
Calvin tells Moe to let go of him. He asks Moe why he doesn't pick on somebody his own size. As he readies a punch, Moe says they'd hit back. As Calvin lies on the ground, he guesses that has a certain unethical logic to it.

ch930910: That's it! I'm through learning today! See you all tomorrow! I think I'M a better judge of when I'm through.
Calvin closes his book and says he's through learning today. He gets up and tells the class he'll see them tomorrow. Miss Wormwood looms in front of him. Calvin sits back at his desk, grumbling about him being a better judge of when he's through.

ch930911: Dad, what's it like being a grown-up? Well, it's not too different from being a kid... ...except you're more attached to your toys.
Calvin asks Dad what it's like being a grown-up. Dad tells him it's not too different from being a kid, except you're more attached to your toys. Dad sits down to clean his bicycle.

ch930912: How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
Calvin tells Hobbes he tried to decide whether to cheat on his test or not. He wonders whether it's better to do the right thing and fail or the wrong thing and succeed. He argues that undeserved success gives no satisfaction, while well-deserved failure gives none either. Just because most everybody cheats doesn't justify his cheating. He wondered if he was trying to rationalize his unwillingness to accept the consequences of not studying. In the real world, people care about success, not principles. Hobbes asks what he decided. Calvin says nothing. He ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Hobbes says that acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Calvin says it seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.

ch930913: What a day. I feel like I've been run over by a train. KAPOW! I mean, NOW I feel like that. See? You should always save hyperbole until you really need it.
Calvin opens he door, saying he feels like he's been run over by a train. Hobbes pounces on him. As he lies on the ground, he says now he feels like that. Hobbes brushes himself off and says you should save some hyperbole until you really need it.

ch930914: Today for show and tell, I have an utterly amazing whistle! I'll demonstrate. TWEEEET. What's so amazing about THAT?! It sounds like an ordinary whistle to ME! It can only be heard by ugly cretins. I'll get you at recess, Calvin.
Calvin has a whistle he'll demonstrate for show and tell. It's going to be amazing. He blows the whistle. One of the students asks what's so amazing about it. It sounds like an ordinary whistle to him. Calvin says it can only be heard by ugly cretins.

ch930915: What if somebody calls us a pair o' pathetic peripatetics? I've never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. But shouldn't we have a ready retort?
Calvin asks Hobbes what they'd do if somebody called them "a pair o' pathetic peripatetics". They stand there. Hobbes has never heard anyone taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. Calvin thinks they should have a ready retort.

ch930916: I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Number three across says "Bird". Hmm... I've got it! "Yellow-bellied sapsucker"! But there are only five boxes. I know. These idiots make you write real small.
Calvin is doing a crossword puzzle. The clue says "bird". Calvin thinks it's "yellow-bellied sapsucker". Hobbes points out there are only five boxes. Calvin says these idiots make you write real small.

ch930917: You're dead at recess, Twinky. I feel sorry for you, Moe. You must have some serious personal problems if this is how you relate to people. POW. Then again, maybe he's just a world-class poop head.
Moe tells Calvin he's dead at recess. Calvin says Moe must have serious personal problems if this is how he relates to people. Moe punches Calvin. On the floor, Calvin says Moe may be just a world-class poop head.

ch930918: OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP! But it's Saturday. Well sure. If this was a school day, what would I care?
Calvin gets up in bed, worried that he's overslept. Hobbes tells him it's Saturday. Calvin knows. He says if it was a school day, what would he care.

ch930919: Wow, honey, you're missing a beautiful sunset out here. I'll count to 10, and then... POW! Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just that the WORLD was black and white then. Really? Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. That's really weird. Well, truth is stranger than fiction. But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
Calvin sees a dead bird. Calvin says once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize life is fragile, and nature is ruthless. Calvin says you go on with your daily affairs, not thinking about it. He thinks that's why everyone takes the world for granted and act so thoughtlessly. He supposes it will all make sense when they grow up. They sit under a tree and watch birds flying.

ch930920: Your new polls are in, Dad. Mm. A vast majority of household six-year-olds say you're not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. What were their expectations? That you'd be more like an automatic teller machine. Where do you pollsters find these respondents?
Calvin tells Dad the polls are in. A vast majority of six-year-olds say he's not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. Dad asks what their expectations were. Calvin replies that Dad should be more like an automatic teller machine. Dad asks where the pollsters find these respondents.

ch930921: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can't afford to take that risk. You're ignorant. But at least you act on it.
Calvin says the more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. When you are informed, you see complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Calvin tosses his book. He says as a man of action, he can't afford to take that risk. Hobbes says Calvin is ignorant, but at least he acts on it.

ch930922: Have you been reading about the "electronic superhighway"? Pretty soon, computers, telephones and TVs will all be hooked together to bring instantaneous, interactive communication right into our homes! But Dad says he liked it better when you had to communicate by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back from anybody for at least a week. Of course, your Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. I'm a 21st century kid trapped in a 19th century family.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's been reading about the "electronic superhighway". Calvin says they'll all soon be hooked together to bring instant communication to their homes. He says Dad liked it better when you communicated by mail, and you knew you wouldn't hear back for a week. Hobbes says Dad thinks transportation should've stopped with the bicycle. Calvin says he's a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

ch930923: Wait! Don't hit me! There's something on your back! I'm sure. I'm serious! It's a note! Your Mom must've pinned it on your shirt. What's it say? It says, "Somebody run this boy over with a truck." If I'm going to get clobbered, I like to deserve it.
Right before Moe hits him, Calvin tells him there is something on his back. He tells Moe his Mom must have pinned it to his shirt. Moe asks what it says. Calvin tells him that someone should run this boy over with a truck. After Calvin has been pounded to the ground, he says if he's going to get clobbered, he likes to deserve it.

ch930924: My watch tells the time, the day, and the date. It doesn't tell what month it is, though. I need a watch that tells the month. I suppose they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.
Calvin tells Hobbes his watch tells the time, day, and date. He says it doesn't tell him the month. Hobbes says they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch.

ch930925: Mom wants to know if we'd like to go to the zoo today. Can we tour a prison afterward? No thanks.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wants to know if they'd like to go to the zoo today. Hobbes asks if they can tour a prison afterward. Calvin tells Mom "no thanks".

ch930926: I've been thinking, Hobbes. On a weekend? Well, it wasn't on purpose... I believe history is a force. Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves history's single purpose. And what is that purpose? Why, to produce ME, of course! I'm the end result of history. YOU? Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact, specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence. Hmm, 4.5 billion years probably wasn't long enough. Now I'm here, and history is vindicated. So now that history's brought you, what are you going to do? Ooh, you wascawwy wabbit!
Spaceman Spiff makes some system checks. He prepares for countdown. Calvin watches the clock in the classroom. Spiff blasts off, flying to his home. Mom asks how his day went. Calvin tells Mom he enjoyed coming home.

ch930927: Psst, Susie! What's the answer to question two? "Eli Whitney and the cotton gin." But this is a math problem. It's a trick question. How come YOU wrote something different? I'm going to get this question wrong, so it won't look like you copied. Wow, thanks! Oh, I ow it to you.
During a test, Calvin whispers to Susie for the answer to a question. Susie gives him the answer "Eli Whitney and the Cotton Gin". Calvin reminds her it's a math problem. She says it's a trick question. When Calvin asks why she wrote something different, Susie tells him she's going to get the question wrong so it doesn't look like Calvin copied. Calvin thanks Susie. She tells him she owes it to him.

ch930928: OK, that's how we'll do kickoffs. Go with what works, I guess.
Calvin kicks a football, and it goes behind him. Hobbes catches it. Hobbes says that's how they'll do kickoffs. Calvin shrugs and says they should go with what works.

ch930929: Ooh, wook at da big, stwipey putty! Is oo a fuzzy, fwiendwy putty?? Tigers don't like to be called "putties".
Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. In a baby voice, he asks if Hobbes is a "Fwiendwy Putty". Hobbes sits up with an angry expression. Calvin is walking away, all scratched up, saying tigers don't like to be called "putties".

ch930930: If heaven is good, and if I like to be bad, how am I supposed to be happy there? How will you get to heaven if you like to be bad? Let's say I didn't DO what I WANTED to do. Suppose I led a blameless life! Suppose I denied my true dark nature! I'm not sure I have that much imagination. Maybe heaven is a place where you're ALLOWED to be bad!
Calvin asks Hobbes how he's supposed to be happy in Heaven, if he likes to be bad. Hobbes asks how he'll get to Heaven if he's bad. Calvin asks Hobbes to suppose he led a blameless life. He says to suppose he denied his dark nature. Hobbes isn't sure he has that much imagination. Calvin wonders if Heaven is a place where you're allowed to be bad.

ch931001: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first President was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers! I just don't test well.
Miss Wormwood tells Calvin his test was a disgrace. She says the first president was not Chef Boy-ar-dee. She says he should be ashamed to turn in such preposterous answers. Calvin says he just doesn't test well.

ch931002: Look, Hobbes! If you dry your teeth, you can curl your upper lip and it will stick! See? Then you take a piece of tape... ...and use it to pull your nostrils up! Cool, huh? Wow! I'll be if you showed your Dad, he'd go to work like that! YEAH!
Calvin shows Hobbes that if you dry your teeth, you can curl your lip and it will stick. He shows you take a piece of tape, and you can pull your nostrils up. Hobbes says if Calvin showed his Dad, he'd go to work like that.

ch931003: That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
Calvin and Hobbes wake up. It's raining outside. They eat breakfast, then go out to wait for the school bus. Hobbes is with Calvin, holding an umbrella. Calvin gets on the bus, waving goodbye to Hobbes. Mom looks out the window and sees Hobbes on the sidewalk. She goes outside to get Hobbes. Calvin sits in school, watching the clock. Hobbes looks out the window, waiting for Calvin.

ch931004: I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon we'll have read ALL of this! I like to read ahead and see what we're going to learn next. It's so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you. If you flip the pages of MY book, an animated T.Rex drives the batmobile and explodes! Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
Susie tells Calvin she loves her school books. She likes to read ahead to see what comes next. She says having a book is like having a good friend with you. Calvin says if you flip the pages of his book, an animated T-rex drives the Batmobile and explodes. Susie says sometimes books are the only friends worth having.

ch931005: I don't need to study! I don't need to learn! I can always get by on my good looks and charm! I don't hear you concurring, hairball breath. Tell me, is it static electricity that makes your hair do that?
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't need to study or learn. He says he can get by on his good looks and charm. Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin says he doesn't hear Hobbes concurring. Hobbes asks Calvin if static electricity makes his hair do what it does.

ch931006: I got a smiley face sticker on my quiz. Whoop-de-doo for you. What did YOU get? None of your darn business! You got a frowny face, didn't you? NO as a matter of fact, I didn't! I didn't even know they MADE barfing face stickers.
Susie gets a smiley face sticker on her quiz. Calvin is not impressed. Susie asks what Calvin got, but Calvin won't tell. Susie accuses Calvin of receiving a frowny face. Calvin denies it. Later, Calvin sits and thinks that he didn't even know they made barfing face stickers.

ch931007: Miss Wormwood, I'm not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling. I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute? What, ... you think I'll live in someplace that doesn't get cable?!
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood he isn't going to learn the material until she makes it enthralling. Miss Wormwood asks what he'll do if the rest of his life doesn't entertain him. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood thinks he'll live someplace that doesn't get cable.

ch931008: Love the sinner and hate the sin. Uh oh...
Dad gets out of his car after work. He looks up to see Calvin holding a sign that reads "Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin". Dad can only think "Uh oh".

ch931009: Hey, nice moustache! Thanks. I made it. Very bushy. What did you use for the hair?
Calvin has a cowboy hat on and has a mustache. Hobbes says it's very bushy and asks where Calvin got it. Calvin takes off his cowboy hat to show part of his hair cut off.

ch931010: Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
A pile of leaves rises up and chases Calvin. It catches up to him and crashes down on him. Calvin digs his way out. Dad sees the pile of leaves lying all scattered and raises his hands in protest. Calvin raises his hands in protest that he didn't do it.

ch931011: Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here's a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence. So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? Well, it sounded more defiant the way HE said it. Mm.
Calvin is watching television. He tells Hobbes ads don't see a product, they sell an attitude. He points out there is a commercial that has a guy do whatever he wants. He buys the product to reflect his independence. Hobbes asks if this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection. Calvin says it sounded more defiant the way the ad said it.

ch931012: Here's another ad with attitude. This guy didn't like his job, so he quit, and now he climbs rocks! See, he's his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms! If he quit his job, I wonder how he affords those expensive athletic shoes he's advertising. Maybe his Mom bought them for him. I hope she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
Calvin is watching another ad with attitude. He points out a guy who quit his job and now climbs rocks. He's his own man. Hobbes wonders how he affords the expensive athletic shoes he's advertising since he quit his job. Calvin wonders if the guy's mom bought them for him. Hobbes hopes she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off the rock he's climbing.

ch931013: OW!! Mmf! Ngghh! Rrrrggg! FWOPP.
Calvin kicks a football and hurts his toes. Calvin angrily grabs the ball. Hobbes receives the kick, but the football has no air in it.

ch931014: I'M SIGNIFICANT! Screamed the dust speck.
Calvin looks at the stars and says he's significant. He looks up at the stars again. He adds "screamed the dust speck".

ch931015: The days are getting colder. Yes. BUGS ARE DYING BY THE TRUCKLOAD! HA HA HA! GOOD RIDDANCE TO 'EM ALL! I like fall.
Calvin notices the days are getting colder. He says bugs are dying by the truckload. He laughs and says good riddance to them all. He walks along and tells Hobbes that he likes fall.

ch931016: Made in God's own image, yes sir! God must have a goofy sense of humor.
Calvin looks into a full-length mirror. He's in his underwear and flexing his biceps. Calvin says he's made in God's own image. Hobbes thinks God must have a goofy sense of humor.

ch931017: Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
Calvin has a football and runs up to a door and rings it. He rings it several times while waiting in a panic. He yells for the door to be opened. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Finally, Susie opens the door to see Calvin lying on the steps with Hobbes on top of him. Susie says her mom said to tell Calvin their doorbell isn't a toy. She tells him to go away. Hobbes has the football and tells Calvin it's now illegal to hide in other people's houses. Calvin says girls just don't understand sports.

ch931018: Another touchdown for me! Couldn't you chase me toward the other goal for once?
Calvin is running with the football. He skids to a stop. Hobbes chases him as he runs the other direction. Hobbes calls another touchdown for himself. Calvin asks if Hobbes couldn't chase him toward his goal for once.

ch931019: See? SEE?? I DID hang up my coat! It's right there, just like I said! I was right and you were wrong. OK, OK, I'm sorry. Forgive me. Heh heh heh! Another tally mark for today. You don't need to keep score!
Calvin points out that he did hang up his coat in the closet. He tells Mom that he was right and she was wrong. Mom says she's sorry and asks him to forgive her. Calvin makes a tally mark in a notebook. Mom says he doesn't need to keep score.

ch931020: Everybody seeks happiness! Not ME, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! The problem with you, Hobbes, is you're always at a loss for words. I've found that saves many a friendship.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to seek happiness. He demands euphoria. He looks at Hobbes. Calvin says Hobbes' problem is that he's always at a loss for words. Hobbes has found that saves many a friendship.

ch931021: Here I am, happy and content. ...but not euphoric. So now I'm no longer content. I'm unhappy. My day is ruined. I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead.
Calvin says he is happy and content. But he's not euphoric. Now he's no longer content. He's unhappy, and his day is ruined. He walks off saying he needs to stop thinking while he's ahead.

ch931022: Is hamburger meat made out of people from Hamburg? Of course not! It's ground beef. I'm eating a COW? Right. I don't think I can finish this.
Calvin asks Mom if hamburgers are made out of people from Hamburg. Mom says no, it's ground beef. Calvin asks if he's eating a cow. Mom says yes. Calvin doesn't think he can finish his burger.

ch931023: Did you see where it landed? Look for the crater. Are we a little scared of the ball?
Calvin runs to catch something. It's a safe! He turns away while the football bounces in front of him. Calvin asks Hobbes to look for a crater where it landed. Hobbes asks if he's a little scared of the ball.

ch931024: Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Miss Wormwood gives Calvin his paper. He got an "A". Calvin is in a parade with a key to the city. People are cheering him, and fireworks are going off. Miss Wormwood tells the class to open their books to the next chapter. Calvin sighs.

ch931025: Hold it, Moe! Before you wallop me, I'm afraid you'll have to sign this form. What's this? It's a statement acknowledging responsibility for your behavior. You agree that hitting me entitles me to unlimited compensation for medical treatment as well as reasonable damages for pain and suffering. You affirm that you're insured for these costs and... Nobody takes responsibility for his actions any more.
As Moe readies a punch to Calvin, he says Moe has to sign a form. Moe asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's a statement acknowledging responsibility for his behavior. Calvin says hitting him entitles him to compensation of medical treatment and damages for pain and suffering. Calvin lies on the floor beaten up. He says nobody takes responsibility for his actions anymore.

ch931026: Here, Dad. I'd like you to sign this form and have it notarized. "I, the undersigned Dad, attest that I have never parented before, and insofar as I have no experience in the job, ... ...I am liable for my mistakes, and I agree to pay for any counseling, in perpetuity, Calvin may require as a result of my parental ineptitude." I don't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those.
Calvin hands a form to Dad to sign and notarize. Dad reads the form. It states he's never parented before and is liable for mistakes made on the job. He will pay for any counseling Calvin may require due to parental ineptitude. Calvin is sent to bed. In bed, Calvin doesn't see how you're allowed to have a kid without signing one of those forms.

ch931027: Miss Wormwood, I'd like you to sign this contract. It's an agreement that you'll compensate me for any loss of job income I may suffer as an adult because of a poor first-grade eduction. If you get a poor first-grade education, it will be from YOUR lack of effort, not mine. Go back to your desk. By golly, SOMEBODY ought to may me if I don't learn anything.
Calvin hands Miss Wormwood a contract. It's an agreement to compensate Calvin for loss of job income because of his poor education. Miss Wormwood says if he gets a poor education, it's due to a lack of effort on his part, not hers. Calvin says somebody ought to pay him if he doesn't learn anything.

ch931028: Hi Susie! Would you sign this legal document? What is it? In essence, it annuls our knowledge of each other's existence and it prohibits any future social interaction. Specifically, it states that I'll never ask you out on a date, and it imposes severe penalties on any party that attempts to engage the other in conversa... It's almost insulting how fast she signed that.
Calvin asks Susie to sign a document. It annuls their knowledge of each other's existence and prohibits future social interaction. It states Calvin will never ask her out on a date and imposes penalties for attempts to engage in conversation. Calvin gets the form back and says it's almost insulting how fast she signed it.

ch931029: Here, Hobbes. I've drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign. A contract? Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years. People are friends because they WANT to be, not because they HAVE to be! That's what this fixes. If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
Calvin has a contract for Hobbes. It codifies terms of their friendship. Hobbes can renegotiate in 20 years. Hobbes says people are friends because they want to be, not because they have to be. Calvin says that's what his contract fixes. Hobbes hands the form back and says if your friends are contractual, you don't have any.

ch931030: Dad, why do my eyes shut when I sneeze? If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would float around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything. Gross. How come you know so much? It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
Calvin asks Dad why his eyes close when he sneezes. Dad says if his eyelids weren't closed, the explosion would blow his eyeballs out. His eyes would flop around and he'd have to point them with his hands to see anything. Calvin asks why Dad knows so much. Dad says it's all in the book you get when you become a father.

ch931031: The end of the mesozoic era... a herd of chasmosaurs is unusually jittery! They now know they have more to fear than tyrannosaurs! Now they face an even GREATER danger... TYRANNOSAURS in F-14s! This is SO cool! This is SO stupid!
Calvin, the tyrannosaur, roars triumphantly. Calvin's struggle has given him a monstrous appetite. He rips gigantic chunks of the carcass and swallows them whole. It's a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony. Mom tells Calvin to stop eating his Halloween candy. Calvin is in a dinosaur costume. She tells him he'll get sick if he eats all of it. Calvin says he earned it.

ch931101: You say, when you become a father, you get a book that explains everything in the world? Right. Can I se it? Nope, sorry. Why not? It tells what it's like to raise a kid. SO?! You're not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.
Calvin asks if there is a book you get when you're a father that explains everything in the world. Dad says yes but won't show it to Calvin when he asks. Dad won't show it because it tells what it's like to raise a kid. Calvin asks what's wrong with that. Dad tells him he's not allowed to know that until it's too late not to have one.

ch931102: AAAAAA! A person should be safe from predators inside his own house! If I had reflexes like yours, I'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.
Hobbes waits around a corner. Calvin approaches, then is pounces upon. Calvin claims a person should be safe from predators inside his own house. Hobbes says if he had reflexes like Calvin's, he'd be glad for the opportunity to improve them.

ch931103: HEY, LOOK AT ME! "Nude descending a staircase"! Nobody understands art.
Calvin yells for Mom to watch him. He comes down the steps, dripping water from his bath. Calvin proclaims it "nude descending a staircase". Back in the tub, Calvin says nobody understands art.

ch931104: ...sighh... They say nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Well, I'd better get to the office. That was obviously some sort of commentary.
Dad is drinking coffee, reading the newspaper. He says nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time at the office. Calvin walks by and waves. Dad says he'd better get to the office. Calvin looks back and says that was obviously some sort of commentary.

ch931105: Doggone it, he's got all the covers again. Zz. Zz... hmm? Oh yes, I'm VERY fond of Calvin. ...pass the gravy, please. zzz. Brrr... Zz.
In bed, Hobbes has the covers wrapped around himself. Calvin wakes up and gets ready to reach over to pull off the covers. Hobbes mumbles that he's very fond of Calvin and to pass the gravy. He continues sleeping. Calvin turns back over, shivers, but leaves the covers alone.

ch931106: Why should I take a bath? I'm just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth? I'm just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair? It's just going to get messed up again. I'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
Calvin asks why he should take a bath if he's just going to get dirty again. He asks why he should brush his teeth if he's going to eat again. He asks why he should comb his hair if it's going to get messed up again. He decides he'd rather be efficient than hygienic.

ch931107: I'm bored. Let's go in. But we've only been out here a few minutes. This is taking too long. What's the hurry? We've got all day! Yeah, but it's kind of cold, and the sun's too bright, and my gloves are getting wet. And when you think about it, building a snowman is a lot of work. I didn't come here to do something hard. Besides, what if the snowman doesn't come out very good? We'd be failures! Who wants to be a failure?! Or even if it's good, what's the point? It's just going to melt in a few weeks anyway! It's all futile! So instead of wasting my time, I'm going to go inside, pull down the shades and watch TV. That way, in complete physical comfort, I can vicariously experience the activity of actors pretending to do things! Are you sure it's not too much trouble to turn on the TV? That's why we have a remote control. Virtual reality is already here. I can't believe the only way to get inside is by WALKING.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything in the world. Hobbes says a sandwich. Calvin asks what kind of stupid wish that is. Calvin says he'd wish for a trillion dollars, a private continent, and his own space shuttle. In the house, Hobbes is eating a sandwich. He tells Calvin he got his wish.

ch931108: Hi, it's me, your big accomplishment in life! I'm depressed.
Calvin walks past Mom and says hello. He calls himself her big accomplishment in life. Later, Mom is slumped on the sofa. She tells Dad that she's depressed.

ch931109: Did you check the pockets of my pants before you washed them? Yes. Did you find anything... um... surprising? Like what? Let's just say we need some big gloves and a heavy stick... FAST. Do you mean you don't know where this thing IS?!
Calvin asks Mom if she checked the pockets of his pants before she washed them. He asks if she found anything surprising. Mom asks what he means. Calvin hides behind Mom's leg saying they need some big gloves and a heavy stick...fast. Mom asks if Calvin doesn't even know where this thing is at.

ch931110: Oh no! Mom packed me a piece of PIE in my lunch! She hates me! I refuse to eat it! You don't like pie? Not this kind. What kind is it? Cow pie. MISS WORMWOOD! Want it? It's fresh.
Calvin sees Mom packed a piece of pie in his lunch. He refuses to eat it. Susie asks if he doesn't like pie. He tells her he doesn't like that kind. When she asks what kind it is, Calvin tells her cow pie. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin pinches his nose and asks if she wants it. It's fresh.

ch931111: I wish I had a heavier coat. Theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat stays where it is.
Calvin comes into the living room bundled in his cap, scarf, and coat. He sits on the chair. He wishes he had a heavier coat. Mom is reading a book. She says that theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat is staying where it is.

ch931112: ... and so, in 1654... HKGHHKKGHH. Mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears from... KHGHHKGGH. PAY ATTENTION! When you change the channel, I don't think the original program should be able to change it back.
Miss Wormwood is lecturing the class. The picture scrambles and mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears. The picture scrambles again, and Miss Wormwood is right in front, pointing, and saying to pay attention. Calvin says when you change the channel, he doesn't think the original channel should be able to change it back.

ch931113: Mom, what was I like as a baby? Stinky. Stinky?? Stinky. It's always shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.
Calvin asks what he was like as a baby. Mom says "stinky". Calvin walks away saying it's shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb.

ch931114: Brrrr! I'm freezing! You need a nice fur coat like mine. I'm all toasty. I'll just put my feed on your back, OK? Ooh, you ARE warm! GAAA! Quit thrashing around! You're letting in cold air! Well keep your icy feet on your own side of the bed then! They WERE! Your big behind was on MY side! THAT's your side! THIS is the demilitarized zone and THIS is MY side! All THAT?! No way, you hog! In fact, the whole bed is my side! Animals should sleep on the floor! Oh, THAT does it! You and your hairless pink monkey suit can freeze solid! I'm leaving! HEY! Don't take the blanket! COME BACK HERE! I'LL GET YOU! GIMME THAT! ...now where'd he go?? AAAAAA GAAAA! SOMEBODY'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE!! Calvin had another nightmare. If it's two crowded, you guys are welcome to sleep downstairs.
Calvin plays with a toy truck. He stops, looks around, listens, then carries his toy further away. He resumes playing. Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes pins Calvin down telling him he moved upwind. He says human senses aren't worth beans. Calvin tells Hobbes to get off him. Mom asks if Calvin wants to watch his nature program. Calvin shouts no.

ch931115: I need some help with my homework, Hobbes. What's the assignment? I'm supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. What's your issue? That's the problem. I can't think of anything to argue. That's hard to believe. I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong! What's to argue about?!
Calvin asks Hobbes for some help with his homework. He's supposed to write a paper with two points of view, then defend one of them. He can't think of anything to argue. Hobbes says that's hard to believe. Calvin says he's always right, and everybody else is wrong. He wonders what there is to argue about.

ch931116: Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well, what issues do you care about? I don't care about issues! I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a busy man! I say, either agree with me or take a hike! I'm right, period! End of discussion! Um... right. There, see? Everybody's happy.
Calvin wants help with thinking of an issue for a debate paper. Calvin doesn't care about issues. He says he's got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion. He says he's a busy man. Calvin says either agree with him or take a hike. He's right, period. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin's right. Calvin says everybody's happy.

ch931117: So what am I going to write about? Hmm... we'll need to put on our thinking caps. HEY! Thinking caps! THAT'S what we need! C'mon! This is a GREAT idea! Boy, where would I be without you? Conceivably, you might be working on your assignment.
Hobbes suggests they put on thinking caps to come up with a writing topic. As they run to get thinking caps, Calvin asks where he would be without Hobbes' suggestion. Hobbes replies that conceivably, he might be working on his assignment.

ch931118: We'll use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next we'll need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? It's like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think you're too late. We'll also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
Calvin uses a colander as a thinking cap. Its metal surface will conduct brain waves. Hobbes attaches input and output strings, and a grounding string. Hobbes asks why a grounding string. Calvin replies he wants to keep his ideas grounded in reality. Hobbes thinks he's too late. Calvin says they also must build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.

ch931119: The thinking cap is all set! Let's turn it on! Click. Brzap. Did it work? I think so. I feel smarter already.
Calvin's thinking cap is ready. Hobbes turns it on. He asks if it worked. Calvin takes off the thinking cap, and his head is bigger.

ch931120: What happened to your head?? Evidently, an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats don't fit, will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
Calvin says a consequence of his cerebral augmentation is that his brain swelled. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's hats. Calvin says his brain is unraveling all the mysteries of the universe. He says natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin says his powerful brain is bored with such simple problems. He's now working on why girls are so obnoxious.

ch931121: Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow.

ch931122: Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain, you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN, DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the dilemma. I know! We'll wrap my head in this bedsheet! THAT will allay any suspicion! Your powerful brain must know something I don't.
Since Calvin's brain has enlarged, Hobbes thinks he can write his paper now. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes wonders what will happen when Calvin's parents see his head. Calvin's powerful brain finds an answer. He'll wrap his head in a bedsheet. Hobbes thinks Calvin's powerful brain knows something he doesn't.

ch931123: Calvin, come down for dinner! I'm not calling you again! Hurry up with the turban! There. Sorry I'm late. I was unavoidably detained. Calvin, we don't eat at the table looking like that. Take off the sheet. Uh... heh heh... um... Thank you. I don't know why I worry. They never notice anything.
Mom calls Calvin to dinner again. Calvin has a turban on his head made from his sheet. He tells Dad he was unavoidably detained. Dad tells him to take the sheet off at the table. Calvin does, and Dad thanks him. Calvin, with his larger head, says they never notice anything.

ch931124: I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I don't need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK, let's get down to business. I'll apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... How's it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was.
Calvin brings some fish to Hobbes. Calvin doesn't need brain food with his enlarged brain. He applies his brain to the homework problem. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin says he just remembered what the assignment was.

ch931125: My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. I'll write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely. How come? They're SO much cooler that way.
Calvin comes up with a topic for his paper. He'll debate whether tyrannosaurs were predators or scavengers. Hobbes asks which side he'll defend. Calvin tells Hobbes he believes they were predators. They're so much cooler that way.

ch931126: Let's see... to argue that tyrannosaurs were predators and not scavengers, we'll need to write a brief overview of carnosaur evolution. Then we'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, arm strength, potential running speed, and environmental factors. ...but first, we'll draw some pictures of a T.Rex eating people in the natural history museum. I notice your head is shrinking back to normal size.
Calvin says he'll start with carnosaur evolution. He'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, and environmental factors. First, he'll draw pictures of a T-rex eating people at the museum. Hobbes notices Calvin's head shrinking back to its normal size.

ch931127: Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you haven't written your paper yet. Oh, that's the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. It'll be a breeze. For once I'm GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN, TIME FOR BED.
Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed.

ch931128: This sculpture will be called "The spirit of compromise". We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise.
A robot doctor looks at Calvin. It slices his head open to look at the brain. The doctor puts more brains into Calvin's skull. The robot doctor asks how Calvin feels. Calvin says "smart". The doctor says the knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll need. Calvin walks out of the office needing no more school. The robot doctor says to go home and have 12 years of fun. Calvin sighs as he gets onto the school bus.

ch931129: TIME FOR BED?? That's what I said. But I haven't finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it.
Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.

ch931130: You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.
Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon.

ch931201: Great! Just great! Mom lets us stay up for half an hour longer to finish this paper. How am I supposed to do a good job in so little time?! Your Mom says you wasted the whole evening. But now she's making me do a rushed, slipshod job! I'll have to compromise the qualitY! I won't get the "A" I deserve! Especially since you've used up 15 minutes complaining about it. It'll tell the teacher it's Mom's fault.
Calvin gripes to Hobbes that Mom is only giving him an extra half hour to write the paper. He asks how he's supposed to do a good job in such little time. Hobbes reminds him that Mom said he wasted the whole evening. Calvin complains Mom is making him to a rushed, sloppy job. He won't get the "A" he deserves. Hobbes tells him he's used up 15 minutes complaining about it.

ch931202: What a rotten evening that was. At least you finished your paper. Yeah, but it could've been a lot better. I finally get a chance to write about something I know backward and forward and I have to rush the whole thing. Well, with the time available, you did the best you could. ...sort of. I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
Calvin crawls into bed. Hobbes tells him at least he's finished with the paper. Calvin says it could have been better. He gets a chance to write about something he knows, and he has to rush the whole thing. Hobbes says he did the best he could with the time he had.....sort of. Calvin thinks geniuses should be given special considerations.

ch931203: My paper is entitled, "Tyrannosaurus Rex: Fearson Predator or Loathsome Scavenger?" Ahem... "I say tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be so bogus if they just ate things that were already dead. The end." I'M A CONCISE WRITER, OK?!?
Calvin reads his paper in front of the class. He reads that tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be bogus if they ate things that were already dead. He grins at the class. He yells that he's a concise writer.

ch931204: Miss Wormwood was going to give me a "D-" on my paper, but I talked to her after class and told her how I ran out of time and couldn't write all I knew about tyrannosaurs. She said I'd had plenty of time to do the assignment, but she admitted that maybe I'd picked too complex a subject. So she raised my grade to a "D" and told me I should try to pick realistic goals and plan my time better. I guess we learned a lesson, huh? I'll say. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off!
Calvin tells Hobbes he got a "D-" on his paper. He talked to Miss Wormwood about having run out of time. He tells Hobbes that Miss Wormwood admitted that maybe he'd picked too complex a subject. She raised his grade to a "D" and said to pick realistic goals and plan his time better. Hobbes asks if he learned a lesson. Calvin says he did. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off.

ch931205: That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom.
Calvin looks at a snowman. It has a shovel in hand and is wearing a hat. Calvin tells Hobbes it's a pathetic cliche. He says the snowman says nothing about the human condition. He says the banality of the snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. He shows Hobbes the snowman he made. It's a horrible snowman with bulging eyes, an open mouth with tongue hanging out. Calvin says the snowman is "The torment of existence weighed against the horror of nonbeing". Hobbes comments that he admires Calvin's willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Hobbes walks away. Calvin stands there, then starts building a normal snowman.

ch931206: 14... 52... POW! WAAUGH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL I HIKE THE BALL!! Oops. Sorry. Darn tigers. You can explain the rules to 'em, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls signals. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin protests that Hobbes is supposed to wait until he snaps the ball. Calvin picks himself up from the ground saying you can explain the rules to a tiger, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct.

ch931207: Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long, rich and thought-provoking for a change, and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash, so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes. You Dad's going into the guture kicking and screaming, isn't he? What if he's turning me into some kind of subversive?
Calvin says Dad went to buy a hardback novel. He tells Hobbes Dad wanted something thought-provoking and that had a cloth binding. Dad said he was guying the book with cash so nobody could trace the purchase and exploit his interests for commercial purposes. Hobbes asks Calvin if Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming. Calvin wonders what happens if Dad is turning into some kind of subversive.

ch931208: Mom, can I get a big tattoo? I want a winged serpent coiling around one arm, clutching a ship on my chest, with... ...um... I mean... ...well... ...sighhhh... Did you know Mom can communicate telepathically?
Calvin asks Mom if he can get a tattoo of a serpent clutching a ship. Mom looks at him with a frown. Calvin sighs and walks away. He asks Hobbes if he knew Mom can communicate telepathically.

ch931209: I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. You'd better be nice to me, Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin tells Moe to be nice to him, since his tax dollars will one day pay for Moe's prison cell. Moe punches him. Calvin says his problems is his lips move when he thinks.

ch931210: You know, everything I am... my unique spirit and personality... everything that makes me ME... ...is dependent on the proper functioning of this complex, fagile and miraculous chunk of meat that is my body. Interesting observation. Well, it just occurred to me. WAHOOOOOOO.
Calvin and Hobbes sit in the wagon near the cliff. Calvin tells Hobbes that everything that makes him unique is dependent on proper functioning of his complex body. Hobbes says that's an interesting observation. Hobbes jumps off the wagon as it hurtles down the cliff.

ch931211: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play in unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce. We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Calvin tells Hobbes that all the world is a stage. But he says the play is unrehearsed and everybody ad-libs. Hobbes thinks that's why it's hard to tell whether we're in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin suggests more special effects and dance numbers.

ch931212: POW! SMACK!
Hobbes throws a snowball to Calvin, who hits it with a bat. He takes off on his sled, going down the hill. Hobbes makes a snowball as Calvin goes around a tree and a bush. Hobbes throws the snowball and knocks Calvin off the sled. Hobbes says there are two outs. Calvin says he should have stayed at second base. Hobbes reminds him he has a snowman at third. Calvin loves a good game of speed sled base snow ball.

ch931213: Yep, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism! I'm surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
Calvin says Christmas is around the corner. He asks what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month or frenzied consumerism. Hobbes is surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Calvin says getting loads of loot is a spiritual experience for him.

ch931214: Dear Santa, Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I don't want at all. What's the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Can't you read?? Or are you just a vindictive, twisted elf, bent on destroying kids' dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know, but it felt good to write it.
Calvin writes Santa a letter. He writes Santa ignores his list every year and brings practical things he doesn't want. He asks if Santa is insane, gone senile, or can't read. He asks if he's a vindictive elf destroying little kids' dreams. Hobbes reads the letter and suggests sleeping on it. Calvin knows, but he says he felt good writing it.

ch931215: Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps.
Calvin writes Santa a letter complaining he didn't receive the 15000 items he requested last year. He concludes Santa's secretarial staff is a bunch of underpaid and unprepared temps, with his letter being misfiled. He offers Santa the option of writing a check to him for five million dollars, so that he can buy the stuff himself. Calvin tells Hobbes that he won't be disappointed this year. Hobbes suggests leaving out the part about the temps.

ch931216: Dear Santa, Hello, I am Calvin's new baby brother, Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please don't confuse MY list with Calvin's. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man, if Santa falls for this, I'll add a new brother every year! "Melville"?
Calvin writes Santa a letter, saying he's Calvin's brother, Melville. He encloses a list, telling Santa not to confuse his list with Calvin's. He says there are two kids at the house now. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Santa falls for this, he'll add a new brother every year.

ch931217: No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy.

ch931218: Look at all this snow! I'm being tested. We got this snow so I'd be tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeit all my Christmas presents. To evaluate my chatacter, my immediate pleasure is being pitted against my future greed! Poor Susie. IT'S NOT A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!
Hobbes notices all the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he's being tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeiting all his presents. His immediate pleasure is being pitted against his future greed. Hobbes laments for poor Susie. Calvin protests that it's not a foregone conclusion.

ch931219: There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of "Night before Christmas". Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say "thank you" or "you're welcome". He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere. Santa writes bad boys and girls will be the ones to get the toys. Calvin wakes up. He frowns and lies in bed. He hates being good six days until Christmas. He doesn't think he'll make it.

ch931220: The day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Calvin builds snowballs. He keeps adding to his pile. Hobbes comes over and looks up at the mountain of snowballs. Calvin tells him the day after Christmas is going to be epic.

ch931221: Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
Calvin has a snowball and comments throwing it would give him certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing the snowballs in hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and uncertain pleasure. Calvin looks at the mountain of snowballs. He says that as usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.

ch931222: What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one.
Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one.

ch931223: I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining!
Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them.

ch931224: Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing.
A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing.

ch931225: HA HA! ACQUITTAL ON ALL CHARGES! COMPLETE EXONERATION! HA HA HA! Merry Christmas to you too, dear. Phew, what's that smell? Has someone been eating tuna fish at this horrible hour?!
Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour.

ch931226: I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making New Year's resolutions. Calvin wants everything to stay the same as it was this year. Calvin says the year was lousy, but familiar. Calvin hates change. You have to think about change and deal with it. He wants to take everything for granted. Calvin says things always change for the worse. Things get more complicated every year. He wants to stop now. No more change. They stand there for a little while. Calvin says he's bored and wants to do something different. Hobbes says some things don't change, as they run to play.

ch931227: Z. Y-YAWNN. There's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
Calvin walks by a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin suddenly yawns. He says there's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.

ch931228: Hey Dad, why don't you cut down all the trees in our hill and put in a ski lift? Because a ski lift would be ugly, noisy, and completely unnecessary. The problem with Dad is he doesn't know progress when he hears it.
Calvin asks Dad why he doesn't cut down all the trees on their hill and put in a ski lift. Dad tells Calvin a lift would be ugly, noisy, and unnecessary. Calvin walks off, grumbling that Dad doesn't know progress when he hears it.

ch931229: AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well.
Calvin has a huge snowball on a plank, held up by a log. He jumps on the other end of the plank. The snowball barely climbs up and falls on top of him. He tells Hobbes he meant to do that. Hobbes tells him it worked very well.

ch931230: I've lost my marbles. Everyone suspected as much. Well, I hope somebody finds them again. HEY!!
Calvin looks under the chair. He tells Hobbes he lost his marbles. Hobbes says everyone suspected as much. Calvin walks off saying he hopes somebody finds them. That night, in bed, he realizes what Hobbes said. He gets up and yells "Hey". Hobbes peeks over his shoulder at Calvin.

ch931231: I need a new toboggan. What for? Mine is outdated. I'm sure the '94 models have all sorts of new features, colors and options. Toboggans don't come in model years. They don't?? I tell you, Hobbes, there's a fortune to be made!
Calvin tells Dad he needs a new toboggan. Dad asks why. Calvin tells him he thinks the new models have new features, colors, and options. Dad tells Calvin toboggans don't come in model years. Later, Calvin runs with Hobbes, paint can in hand. He tells Hobbes there's a fortune to be made.

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995