Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995
I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.
ch920101: I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
ch920102: I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
ch920103: Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
ch920104: Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
ch920105: It's a new year... a new beginning! New possibilities! This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead, he strides forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of the human drive and ingenuity! Very inspiring. Thanks you. ... and over here is the REAL world? Right. This is why we're always glad when the old year is over.
ch920106: I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
ch920107: Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
ch920108: Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
ch920109: This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
ch920110: Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
ch920111: How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
ch920112: Glogga muck bluh Spiff! Spiff chug wunka! We join our hero, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he is pursued across the galaxy by hostile aliens! A bolt of Explode-o-Ray explodes behind him! The aliens are closing in! Spiff punches the accelerator and dives towards the mysterious world below! Blasting low over the planet's surface at near light speed, our hero is horrified to discover the aliens are still on his trail! Spiff has but one desperate chance! He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow! Zounds! The ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable! Don't call me that! And you are going to bed if I have to chase you all night!
ch920113: Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
ch920114: Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
ch920115: Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
ch920116: Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
ch920117: Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
ch920118: Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
ch920119: MOOOO MOOO MOOO WHOOSH KACHUNK CHUG CHUG SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK CLANG CLANG wizz wirp boingg boingg AWKK! Hello! Hello! GAAAA GGHHH BONK BONK GASP GASP. Boy, am I glad to see YOU, Hobbes! Another typical school day?
ch920120: Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
ch920121: Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
ch920122: Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
ch920123: Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
ch920124: Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
ch920125: Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
ch920126: I'm thirsty. AAAUGH. Sleepwalking! Nightmare! Homicidal psycho jungle cat! Hee hee hee! You should've seen the look on your face! If Mom and Dad cared about me at ALL, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
ch920127: What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
ch920128: I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
ch920129: Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
ch920130: Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
ch920131: Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
ch920201: Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
ch920202: GAAAA. It is 0701 hours. You are late. Extra soap today, robot three. Mom out. Extra soap affirmative. Attention, kitchen. Calvin arriving in turbo chute 4. Clear receiving pad. I've got a moon meeting today. I'll be home for diner, if the shuttle isn't late. Have a good day. See you tonight. Calvin, you're going to be late for school! Put on your jacket! Why are you just standing there? Calvin? Calvin?? Honestly! Would you please try to stay in the PRESENT?! Sighhh...
Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a myth. He says he never gets what he wants. He complains how long it's taken to be six years old. He asks Hobbes when he gets to drive and see violent movies. He wants to know why he has to wait until he's older. Calvin says people say life's a journey, but he says he's tired of wasting his precious time in transit. He says he's a busy guy and has places to be. They hit a rock and fall into the snow. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says that was quick.
ch920203: When a kid grows up, he has to BE something. He can't just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that? No room for improvement. Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans. Don't take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
Calvin tells Hobbes when a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't stay the way he is. He says a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. He asks Hobbes why. Hobbes says there's no room for improvement. As they walk off, Calvin says of all the luck, his parents had to be humans. Hobbes tells him not to take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
ch920204: It's no surprise to ME that nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
Calvin rolls a big snowball. He's making a snowman. The snowman has its mouth open, with stick arms. Calvin lays inside the mouth of the snowman. Susie walks by. She says it's no surprise nobody's sold a house on this street for six years.
ch920205: I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience. Notice how I keep my jaw slack, so my mouth hands open. I try not to swallow either, so I drool, and I keep my eyes half-focused, so I don't use any muscles at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. I'm utterly inert. I'm going to leave before you start attracting flies. I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down.
Calvin tells Hobbes he tries to make television watching a complete forfeiture of experience. He keeps his jaw slack, tries not to swallow so he drools, and keeps his eyes half-focused. He takes passive entertainment and extends it to his entire being. He's utterly inert. Hobbes walks away and says he's going before Calvin starts attracting flies.
ch920206: No text
Calvin looks at the hillside. He starts building something in the snow. Later, Dad walks by and looks at the hillside. It appears a giant head is peeking over the hill down at him.
ch920207: HELP HELP! MY HEAD SOMEHOW GOT TWISTED COMPLETELY AROUND! I'M FACING BACKWARD! LOOK I CAN READ THE TAG ON MY SHIRT! I CAN SEE DOWN MY OWN BACK! ... Oh wait. There's my belly button. I must have my SHIRT on backward. Never mind. I've got my head on straight after all. Oh, I wouldn't go THAT far.
Calvin shouts that his head has gotten twisted around. He's facing backward. He looks down at his shirt, whose tag he can read. He lifts his shirt and sees his belly button. He realizes he must have his shirt on backward. He tells Mom, who's reading the newspaper at the table, that he's got his head on straight after all. Mom says she wouldn't go that far.
ch920208: OH SURE! NICE TRY! Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!
Susie walks through the snow. She comes upon a rope hanging from a tree. The rope has a note saying "pull". Susie looks up into the tree. She yells to Calvin that it was a nice try. Calvin, up in the tree with a pail of snowballs attached to the rope, says "darn".
ch920209: Today is Valentine's Day. SO WHAT?! WHO CARES?! NOW ME! Who's your valentine THIS year?? NOBODY! Is it SUSIE?? NO! I'll bet she IS! I'll be your heart beats faster at the sound of her name! Ahh, how you long to gaze deep into her shimmering eyes!! WHAT?! Your cheeks are flushed! Your chin quivers to imagine her soft, warm lips pressed against yours! Oh, to be locked for an eternity in a passionate embrace with sweet, sweet Susie! TAKE IT BACK! Can I be "Best Tiger"? TAKE IT BACK! Have you picked out a ring yet? TAKE IT BACK! Where's the honeymoon? Hey, Calvin! Huh?? You jerk! This is for sending me a Valentine card with a drawing of me as a worm-eaten corpse! Oh HO-O-O! You sent her a CARD?? Doctor Love, paging Doctor I.M.N. Love! I'd say were about due for another Saint Valentine's Day massacre.
A dinosaur poem. The great tyrannosaur lived many years ago, and he epitomized the concept of the killer carnivore. The monster came to town this morning. He lunged into the crowd, and people ran screaming. They tried to get away. People were trampled. Two boys dawdled by the candy shop and were devoured. A camera crew arrived to give a live report. They failed, because they did not live. The menace ate his fill and stomped away. Calvin walks behind Mom's chair, growling and snarling while walking like a dinosaur. The poem ends that no one knows where the next tyrannosaur will be found....except Calvin.
ch920210: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework now? I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem. It is Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am. Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus? Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired".
Hobbes asks if Calvin shouldn't be doing his homework. Calvin replies he quit doing it. It's bad for his self-esteem. Calvin says it sends the message he doesn't know enough. He feels bad if he doesn't get the right answer. As he rolls a snowball, Calvin says instead of trying to learn, he's concentrating on liking himself just the way he is. Hobbes asks if his self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus. Calvin says they should call it "informationally impaired".
ch920211: See, Hobbes, we shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. That's why I've stopped doing homework. I don't need to learn things to like myself. I'm fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough, don't you?
As they roll two snowballs, Calvin tells Hobbes they shouldn't need accomplishments to feel good about themselves. Self-esteem shouldn't be conditional. Calvin says he stopped doing homework because he's fine just the way he is. Hobbes asks if the secret to good self-esteem is to lower expectations to the point they're already met. Calvin says he's right. They should take pride in their mediocrity. Calvin looks at the snowman they made with only two snowballs. He says the snowman is good enough.
ch920212: Look, Dad made me do my homework. He said when I'm older, I'll discover that there are few pleasures greater than learning. So I said, FINE, I'll learn when I'm older. What did HE say? He said if I didn't start cracking books NOW, this would be as old as I'd get. Sounds like you learned something already.
Calvin complains Dad made him do his homework. Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said when Calvin gets older, he'll discover there are few pleasures greater than learning. Calvin told him he'll learn when he's older. Dad replied if he didn't study now, this would be as old as he'd get. Hobbes tells him it sounds like he learned something already.
ch920213: Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand ME and I don't understand THEM. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to.
Calvin tells Hobbes Mom and Dad drive him crazy. They don't understand each other. Calvin says he's related to people he doesn't relate to.
ch920214: Here we stand, peering down the dizzying depths of doom drop! Do we turn around and retreat to the stupefying security of home and hearth? OR do we brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of somatic sensation that screams we are alive, gloriously alive, however temporarily?? ... Hobbes? I thought the question was rhetorical. The other way, though!
At the top of the hill, toboggan ready to go, Calvin tells Hobbes they're peering down the dizzying depths of Doom Drop. Do they turn around and retreat to the security of hearth and home, or do they brave the descent, risk demise, and experience the flood of sensation. Calvin turns around to find Hobbes gone. Later, at home in front of the fireplace, Hobbes is lying on the floor. He tells Calvin he thought the question was rhetorical. Calvin says it was, the other way.
ch920215: Here's the latest poll on your standing as "Dad". Wonderful. The good news is that you have a high name-recognition factor. All the household six-year-olds polled were able to identify you as "Dad". This recognition, however, is liked to the fact that your policies are universally deplored. There's talk of voting you out of office and making Mom "Dad". I see. And what do YOU know about this? My first act will be to make you do the cooking. Whoa! That changes everything.
Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom "Dad". Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything.
ch920216: 15 bucks a glass?! That's right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Where's the demand?! I don't see any demand! There's LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise, I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company, I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee, I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN there's overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well, I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? "Caveat Emptor" is the motto we stand behind! I'd have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. You're out of your mind. I'm going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! It's you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized.
Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer.
ch920217: Dad's calling you. He wasn't? Huh! Well, Hobbes took your chair. Sorry. I like my chairs pre-warmed. You ow me.
Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed.
ch920218: He knows I hate this.
Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this.
ch920219: This is my snow sculpture, "Bourgeois Buffoon". Can you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these? Why do you need a grant? I'm on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support! What if the public doesn't like your work? They're not SUPPOSED to like it! This is avante-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this! But you'll take their money. What do you want me to do, suffer?!
Calvin shows Hobbes his snow sculpture "Bourgeois Buffoon". He says Mom rejected his grant application to continue making them. Hobbes asks why Calvin needs a grant. Calvin says he's on the cutting edge of art. His work deserves public support. Hobbes asks what happens if the public doesn't like his work. Calvin explains they're not supposed to like it . He's criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate his art. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin will take their money. Calvin asks if Hobbes expects him to suffer.
ch920220: This snowman doesn't look especially avant-garde. Actually, it's VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement, "neo-regionalism". I'm appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and I'll make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? It's secretly ironic.
Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, "neo-regionalism". He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic.
ch920221: I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to.
Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to.
ch920222: I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! I'm not scared! You couldn't hit the side of a barn! C'mon, throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously, you could never have done that if my taunts hadn't boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks.
Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him.
ch920223: At 35,000 feet, the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings, the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile, a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks, dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence, both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earth's crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown, who, at this moment, is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match, he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Can't we play something else?
Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat.
ch920224: I read that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are." That's good advice. Of course, I doubt he was in the tub when he said that.
In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes that Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Do what you can with what you have where you are". Hobbes says that's good advice. Calvin doubts Teddy was in the tub when he said that.
ch920225: Shovel the walk! Shovel the walk! That's all I'm good for around here. What about my powerful intellect?! My budding genius is being squandered! I aspire to be more than brute slave labor! These hands! These amazing hands are destined to create unreamt-of wonders, yet here they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery! What a monstrous injustice! Geez, don't tell me lunch isn't ready!
Calvin complains that all he is good for is to shovel the walk. He protests about his powerful intellect. He says his budding genius is being squandered. He looks at his hands, saying they're destined to created wonders, yet they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery. As he walks inside, Mom is vacuuming the floor. Calvin looks at Mom and complains that she better not tell him lunch isn't ready.
ch920226: DING DONG You really need professional help. What makes you think I did it??
Susie is playing in her house, and the doorbell rings. She answers it, to find a snowman's head on her step. She goes over to Calvin's house and tells him he needs professional help. Calvin asks what makes her think he did it.
ch920227: What's wrong with Easter Island? I LIKE Easter Island.
Dad looks at the row of giant snowman heads. Calvin asks what's wrong with Easter Island. He likes Easter Island.
ch920228: Hello, is this the hardware sotre? Yes, I'm wondering if you sell catapults. No?? Well, I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello? I don't understand how some of these places stay in business.
Calvin calls the hardware store, asking if they sell catapults. He says he's looking for something to deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. They hang up on him. As he walks off, he says he can't understand how some of these places stay in business.
ch920229: I don't think you have enough to do.
Dad walks through the snow and sees a few miniature snowmen. As he walks, he sees more and more. He comes up to Calvin building a full-size snowman, with upraised stick arms, and an expression of a yell. Dad tells Calvin he doesn't think Calvin has enough to do.
ch920301: It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
ch920302: It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
Calvin cheers because he's finally defeated Hobbes in checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion. He says he's the top of the heap. He looks at the checker board. He looks around and asks if this is all there is.
ch920303: If there are no questions, we'll move on to the next chapter. I have a question. Certainly, Calvin. What is it? What's the point of human existence? I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Oh. Frankly, I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.
Miss Wormwood says they'll move to the next chapter if there are no more questions. Calvin asks what is the point of human existence. Miss Wormwood explains she meant any questions about the subject at hand. Calvin looks at his book and says he'd like to have the issue resolved before he expends any more energy on this.
ch920304: Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwww. EWWWWWW!
Calvin looks at some mud and says "Ewww". He pokes it with a stick and says "Ewwww". He picks it up with the stick and says it again. Finally, he walks through the mud, smile on his face, saying "Ewwwwwww".
ch920305: Where ARE those darn boots?
Calvin walks with muddy shoes to the closet. He goes up the stairs. He walks to another closet, still trailing muddy steps throughout the house. He asks where those darn boots are.
ch920306: Put on some nice clothes and let's go for a stroll!
Calvin digs up a hole. He fills the hole with a pail of water. He stirs up the mud with a stick. He goes to Susie's house, and tells her to put some nice clothes on and they'll go for a stroll.
ch920307: It couldn't be avoided.
Calvin digs a hole with the shovel. He fills the hole with water from the hose. He jumps in. As he enters the house while covered in mud, he tells Mom it couldn't be avoided.
ch920308: Hi Mom! Ha ha! I'm up! I'm up! HEY! Get back in bed! I mean it, Calvin! It's too late for this nonsense! Wheeee! I'm gonna watch TV! Ha ha ha! Calvin, stop this! You go straight to bed! NO! You're in big trouble, young man! You'll never catch me! GOTCHA! WAAUGH! I don't WANNA go to bed! I wanna stay UP! Put me down! Let go! I'm not tired! AAAAAA! Mom has to EARN a night's respite from me.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he knows about love. Hobbes won't tell him. Calvin asks why he won't talk about it. Hobbes asks about the nice weather. Calvin is angry Hobbes won't tell him what he knows. Hobbes says maybe when Calvin is older. Calvin bets Hobbes doesn't know anything about love. That's why he won't tell him. Hobbes walks off suggesting Calvin should believe that if he wants. They fight, with Calvin demanding to know, and Hobbes refusing to tell. Calvin asks for a hint. Hobbes says "snoogy-woogy wips". Calvin is grossed out. Hobbes tells Calvin that he warned him he wasn't old enough.
ch920309: rrRumRumm beep beep - rrrrrr rrummm - aughh! - I don't understand why you have to take your clothes off to play cars. It's very weird. Just give 'em here. Ok?
Calvin is playing with his toy truck and cars. Behind him, Hobbes pounces. Calvin is knocked out of his clothes. Mom brings Calvin his clothes, saying she doesn't understand why he has to take off his clothes to play cars. She says it's weird. Calvin, standing in his underwear with Hobbes next to him, tells Mom to just give him the clothes.
ch920310: What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. What's the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey.
Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work.
ch920311: The problem with rock'n'roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The "revolution" is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately I've found some protest music for TODAY's youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad! Easy-listening muzak? I play it real quiet, too.
Calvin says the problem with rock-and-roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. He says rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but the stars are zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks. The "revolution" is a capitalist industry. Calvin says he's found some protest music for today's youth. He says this stuff really offends Mom and Dad. Hobbes listens to the easy-listening Muzak. He covers his ears. Calvin says he plays it real quiet, too.
ch920312: I don't want to go to school! I'd rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK, how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to.
ch920313: I don't want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million, overnight success! I want the world handed to me on a silver platter! Good luck. SURELY YOU CONCEDE I DESERVE IT!
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to pay any dues in life. He wants to be an overnight success, with the world handed to him on a silver platter. Hobbes rolls his eyes, walks off, and says "Good luck". Calvin yells after him that surely he concedes Calvin deserves it.
ch920314: *snap* AUGH! Oops! Instinct kicked in before I knew that was you. YOU KNEW DARN WELL THAT WAS ME!
Calvin walks along and steps on a twig. It snaps. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Hobbes gets up saying instinct kicked in before he knew it was Calvin. Calvin, on the ground beneath Hobbes, yells that Hobbes knew darn well it was him.
ch920315: ...BLECCHH... ! EEP! YIKES! HELLP!! WAAUGH! UGHH URGLE GACKKH ORG PLUTCH SPLUTCH BLUTCH URRRPP THPPTHH. Uggh, how revolting. At least it worked. Let's dance! Darling! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THIS STUFF AREN'T YOU?! JUST ADMIT IT!! If you don't like it, don't eat it. But I'm not fixing you something different.
In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be.
ch920316: I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes.
Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in.
ch920317: Hey Dad, look at this commercial. How come you don't drive a cool sports car like that guy? That car costs $40,000. And look at the babe he's with. How come Mom doesn't dress like that? Yeah, why DON'T you dress like that? Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants, ... HONEY. Maybe you guys need to drink more beer.
Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants.
ch920318: Mom, can I have some money to buy a satan-worshiping, suicide-advocating heavy metal album? Calvin, the fact that these abnds haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that they're just in it for the money like everyone else. It's all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted?! 'fraid not, kiddo. Childhood is so disillusioning.
Calvin asks Mom if he can buy a Satan-worshipping, suicide-advocating, heavy metal album. Mom explains that since the bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice proves they're in it for the money, just like everyone else. She says if someone wants to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Calvin asks if mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted. She says she's afraid not. Calvin says childhood is so disillusioning.
ch920319: People don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's! People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny! I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
Calvin tells Hobbes people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like him. He says it's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than anyone else. He complains people refuse to see he's the crux of all history, a boy of destiny. Hobbes says he supposes one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Calvin says that's another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
ch920320: Mom, from now on, I don't want to be introduced to people as plain "Calvin". I want to be introduced as "Calvin, boy of destiny". Boy of destiny?? But you have to say it right. Pause a little after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Sai it, "Boy... of DESSSTINY", like that! I think I'm going to stop introducing you altogether. I wish you had some cymbals to crash after you said it.
Calvin tells Mom he'd like to be introduced not as plain "Calvin", but as "Calvin, boy of destiny". He explains she has to pause after "boy", and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Mom says she thinks she's going to stop introducing him altogether. Calvin wishes she had some cymbals to crash after she said it.
ch920321: Here's your paper, Susie. Very good. Here is yours, Calvin. By the way, you can stop signing your work "Calvin, boy of destiny", and I think your time would be better spend studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Boy of destiny?! That's right. Boy of destiny! Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house. YOUR destiny is to have a smile that's all gums.
Miss Wormwood hands back papers. She tells Calvin he can stop signing his work "Calvin, boy of destiny". She thinks his time would be better spent studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom. Susie asks about "boy of destiny". She says everyone she knows thinks Calvin's destiny is a private cage in the primate house. Calvin tells her that her destiny is to have a smile that is all gums.
ch920322: Wow! A dime! BONK! MMF OOF. He would just love me to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.
A paw, a back, whiskers. Hobbes is on the prowl. He sees Calvin. Calvin sees him, and starts to run. Hobbes tracks him down, leaps, and pounces on Calvin. They fight. Hobbes wakes up from his dream, gnawing on his pillow. He looks at the pillow, all torn to pieces. Calvin is looking at it in horror. Hobbes smiles, yawns, and goes back to sleep. Calvin pulls his covers up tight and looks at Hobbes with wide eyes.
ch920323: SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house.
SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house.
ch920324: Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says "Oh yeah". He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
ch920325: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class, Calvin. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin can tell her what Lewis and Clark did. Calvin says no, but he offers to recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Miss Wormwood tells him to see her after class. Calvin dejectedly says he's not dumb. He just has a command of thoroughly useless information.
ch920326: Did you even read the history chapter I assigned? I tried to, Miss Wormwood. But the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish. I think my excuses need to be less extemporaenous.
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he read the history chapter she assigned. Calvin says he tried, but the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. When he picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor. As he walks to the principal's office, Calvin says his excuses need to be less extemporaneous.
ch920327: County library? Reference desk, please? Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know, and I'll stop you when... hello? See if I ever vote for their tax levies.
Calvin calls the county library. He asks the reference desk for a word definition. He tells them he doesn't know how to spell it, and he's not allowed to say it. He suggests if they rattle off all the swear words they know, he'll stop them when he hears it. They hang up on him. He says they'll see if he ever votes for their tax levies.
ch920328: I don't need a bath! I can stay clean without one! Look, I'll LICK myself clean! That's what Hobbes does! See, I'm getting clean just like him! Nice going.
Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, "Nice going".
ch920329: That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened.
ch920330: You have a question, Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what assurance he has that this education is preparing him for the 21st century. He asks if he's getting the skills to effectively compete in a global economy. He wants a high-paying job when he gets out of school. Miss Wormwood suggests he start working harder. She explains you get out of school what you put into it. Calvin says to forget it then.
ch920331: Whatcha doing? Dad wants to mow the lawn, so he's making me pick up sticks. He said I might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And did you? I suppose so. I think he's trying to tell me there is none.
Calvin is picking up sticks in the yard. Dad wants to mow the lawn. Dad told Calvin he might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Hobbes asks if he did. Calvin says he supposes so. He thinks Dad is trying to tell him there is none.
ch920401: My tiger is deep in somnolent sleep, dreaming of chases remembered! His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar who'll soon be dismembered! Hmmmmmmm
Hobbes lies on the ground dozing, while Calvin stands behind him. Calvin tells a short poem about his tiger being asleep, dreaming of a sprinting sambar who'll soon be dismembered. Calvin walks away, while Hobbes hums contentedly in his sleep.
ch920402: This article says that by age six, most children have watched 5,000 hours of TV - a quarter of their waking lives! I haven't watched that much! Think of all the great shows I've missed! I've been deprived of cultural references! I'm ignorant of countless amazing products! Hurry! If I watch TV until bedtime, I can get in a few precious extra hours and catch up a bit! Remedial vegetation. Help me learn this theme song, OK?
Calvin says an article he's reading says by age six, most children have watched 5000 hours of TV. Calvin says he hasn't watched that much. He complains about being deprived of cultural references and being ignorant of countless amazing products. He rushes off saying he can get in a few extra hours of TV watching before bedtime. As Calvin watches TV, Hobbes says it's remedial vegetation.
ch920403: I think our newspaper needs a new advice columnist, so I'm applying for the job. See, I've written some sample answers to people who write in. "Stop whining and get a life, bozo." "Don't tell ME your stupid problems. I've got plenty of my own." "Go soak your head, you big baby." "Want some advice? Drop dead." I guess that covers about everything. Can you imagine doing this for MONEY? What a racket!
Calvin applies for a job as a newspaper advice columnist. He shows Hobbes some sample answers to people who write in. Hobbes reads "Stop whining and get a life, Bozo". He reads three others that read much the same way. Hobbes tells him that covers about everything. Calvin asks if he can imagine doing that for money. He calls it a racket.
ch920404: Who ees thees Kahlveen?
Mom sees a broken vase. She sees bugs on the floor. She races upstairs to Calvin's bedroom. She angrily opens the door. Calvin, with fake nose and glasses asks "who ees thees Kahlveen".
ch920405: Oh man, there goes the game! What a dumb sport. I hate baseball. What's the use of trying? I haven't started around the ba-ases yet! Huh? La de da da! I'm walkinnnngg! Oh, look at the pretty flower! I think I'll stop and smell it! Uh oh! My shoes untied! Better have a seat and tie it! Now I'm hopping backwards! Look at me! I'm crawling! I'm a tiny little inchworm, moving an inch at a time! Inchy-squinchy! Inchy-squinchy! AAAIEEE Whoop! Too late! Home run! Stitches for Hobbes, bandages for you... how on earth do you DO this to yourself? Don't feel sorry for HIM! He -ow- DESERVED it!
Calvin gets out of bed and gets dressed. Suddenly, a wind starts blowing his clothes off, rolls him back into bed, and covers him up. Mom comes in complaining he hasn't gotten up. Calvin tries to explain.
ch920406: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? I'm not sure man needs the help. You just can't talk to animals about these things.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in the devil, a being dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man. Hobbes tells him he isn't sure man needs the help. Calvin says you just can't talk to animals about these things.
ch920407: What's this? Try it. What's in here? Grubs?? Try it. That means I'm going to hate it, right? JUST TRY IT! She's mad because I broke her code.
At the dinner table, Calvin asks what the dinner is. Mom tells him to try it. He asks if grubs are in it. Mom tells him to try it. Calvin holds his nose and asks if that means he's going to hate it. Mom yells for him to try it. Calvin says she's mad because he broke her code.
ch920408: If I've learned one thing in life, it's that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough, and there's no such thing as scruples! People will do ANYthing if the price is right! What's YOUR price? Two bucks cold cash up front. I don't know which is worse... that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. I'd make mine higher, but it's hard to find buyers as it is.
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's learned that everyone has his prices. If you raise the ante enough, there's no such thing as scruples. People will do anything if the price is right. Hobbes asks what his price is. Calvin tells him two bucks cash, up front. Hobbes doesn't know which is worse, that everyone has a price or that the price is always so low. Calvin offers that he'd make his price higher, but it's hard finding buyers as it is.
ch920409: Whatcha doin', Dad? I'm busy trying to fix something. Why bother? On the rare occasions when you know what the problem is, you usually make it worse and hurt yourself in the process! I wish I'd noticed the bandage on his hand before I said that.
Calvin asks Dad what he's doing. Dad tells him that he's fixing something (his bicycle). Calvin asks why he bothers. He says when Dad rarely knows what the problem is, then makes it worse and hurts himself in the process. Calvin runs as tools are thrown at him. Calvin says he wishes he'd noticed the bandage on Dad's hand before he said that.
ch920410: I'm going on a bike ride. What's so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look, I didn't design this outfit! It's PRACTICAL! Hey Dad, how'd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time, I'll squirt them both with my water bottle.
Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle.
ch920411: Tigers have no ambition, no drive! They don't accomplish anything! How do you justify yourself?!
Hobbes lies on the floor, while Calvin says tigers have no ambition or drive. He asks Hobbes how he justifies himself. Hobbes keeps lying there. Calvin joins him, and they both lie down.
ch920412: No text
Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells "I'm home". Calvin laughs that she won't know what hit her. Susie turns around and thanks Calvin for the quarter. Calvin angrily heads for the door, wondering where Hobbes' killer instinct is. KAPOW! Hobbes grabs Calvin and sails off the steps. Calvin, lying on the ground, says never trust a tiger. Hobbes happily runs off saying he can always tell when it's Calvin by the bad smell.
ch920413: I've decided to believe in astrology and horoscopes. Really? You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today I'll have "many key policies implemented". I get to have my way! Oh those mischievous planets. The newspaper couldn't print it if it weren't true!
Calvin decides he'll believe in astrology and horoscopes. He says it only makes sense every facet of their daily lives should depend on the position of celestial bodies millions of miles away. Calvin points to the paper, which has a horoscope which reads "Many key policies implemented". He says he has to have his way. Hobbes can't believe those mischievous planets. Calvin says the newspaper couldn't print it if it wasn't true.
ch920414: My horoscope says, "Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented." Isn't that great? Today I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your "key policies"? First, obviously, is "Don't do homework." C'mon, let's go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner!
Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is "don't do homework". Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner.
ch920415: Your Mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she? Hmph. Well, my horoscope said, "Many key policies will be implement." Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. C'mon moon, do your stuff!
Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope.
ch920416: I thought I told you to take your bath. Sorry, Mom. You have no say in this. You're in for a big surprise, buster. Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! That's what my horosscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets, and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime! By golly, it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe! Fate just isn't what it used to be.
Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe.
ch920417: I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Just the opposite, in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.
Calvin complains that not a single part of his horoscope came true. He wonders what went wrong. How could planets and stars be misread? What kind of science is this? Calvin wonders if tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology.
ch920418: Did today's horoscope print a retraction of yesterday's prediction? No, there's just a new one for today. What's it say? Yours says, "Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends." Hmm, that's good. Wait, it goes on. "Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love." OH NO! I bet I know what the big dividends are! Woo woo woo!
Calvin asks if the horoscope has a retraction. Hobbes says no, there is just a new one for today. He reads it to Calvin. It mentions popularity rising and big dividends. Calvin figures that's good. Hobbes continues. It mentions emphasizing romance. The opposite sex finds him irresistible. Calvin is horrified. Hobbes suggests that he knows what the big dividends are.
ch920419: Whatcha doin'? Getting rich! Really? Yep. I'm writing a self-help book! There's a huge market for this stuff. First, you convince people there's something wrong with them. That's easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight, looks, social status, sex appeal, and so on. Next, you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that they're victims of larger forces. That's easy, because it's what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally, you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement, they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called "Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself." You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works, I won't be able to write a sequel.
Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
ch920420: Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town.
Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town.
ch920421: Maybe today's horoscope won't come true. I don't WANT a lucky day for love! "Opposite sex finds you irresistible." Hee hee hee! I don't believe in astrology any more! It's all phony! Yeah, that's right! Much smoochies! Mm-mm! Yow wow! Stop it! Yesterday's predictions didn't come true, so I'm sure today's won't either! I'm not worried! When's the wedding?? Should I wear my spats?? In a minute, you'll be wearing a BODY CAST! TRY it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss girls with a fat lip!
At the bus stop, Calvin says maybe today's horoscope won't come true. Hobbes teases him about the horoscope saying "opposite sex finds you irresistible". Calvin says he doesn't believe it astrology anymore. It's all phony. Hobbes keeps teasing Calvin. Calvin says yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so today's won't either. Hobbes asks when the wedding is. He asks if he should wear his spats. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes, saying Hobbes will be wearing a body cast. Hobbes says they'll see how Calvin kisses girls with a fat lip.
ch920422: Take it back! I'm never getting married! Never! Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake! That does it! I'm gonna knock you into next week! Wait! Wait! Susie's coming! What? She is? AUGH! She IS! I've got to discourage romance! You can't! Smoldering passion is your fate! Gosh, Calvin, the dirt covering your features is a big improvement. Oh no, it's true! I'm a love magnet!
They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet.
ch920423: Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
ch920424: So Susie didn't kiss you today? Nope! In fact, I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesn't sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! ... to a point, of course. The paper should print MOM's daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.
Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true.
ch920425: I've been thinking about this astrology stuff. Everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you just have to wait till it happens. So really, the best preparation for the future is to take the present and ... WHOOP! AAUGHH! ... think about what you're doing? No, get yourself a good luck charm. Man, here comes ANOTHER bath!
Calvin says everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you have to wait until it happens. The best preparation is to take the present, and.... Calvin trips over a rock and falls into some mud. Hobbes finishes the sentence with ...think about what you're doing. Calvin gets up and tells Hobbes no, ...get yourself a good luck charm.
ch920426: HELP HELP ACK OFF MMF! UMF GAKK RRRGGH Grrrr YIPE! WAAAA! SCREEECH NNNG AAAAAAAAAAAA. Thanks for the helmet, Dad. Do they sell long-range offensive weapons? Looks like you've been building some character!
Calvin looks like a childishly drawn person with stick fingers. What has happened to Calvin? He is a crude black outline barely containing garish color. His eyes don't point the same direction. His nostrils look like a pig's. His hands are balls with sticks in them. His feet face out sideways. How can he stand up? His face shows no spark of intelligence. What can be done? He suddenly has a beard and horns. Then he's scribbled upon. Calvin yells that he hates drawing. He says it's a waste of time. Hobbes thought it was getting pretty good at the end.
ch920427: Hey Mom, can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey, celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? You're fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead.
Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead.
ch920428: I think we need a new policy in this house. And what's that? From now on, whenever you tell me things, I don't want to hear any reasons, explanations, subtlety or context. I just want ten-second sound bites, OK? So much for THAT policy.
Calvin tells Dad they need a new policy in the house. Whenever Dad tells him things, Calvin doesn't want any explanations. He only wants ten second sound bites. Calvin walks off, covering his ears. He says "So much for that policy".
ch920429: For school, we're supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. "Dad: the paragraph". Catchy title, huh? "What does my Dad do? Mostly, he gets on my nerves. The end." You may get a point for succinctness. Well, what else is there to say?!
Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. "Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end". Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say.
ch920430: Bad news, Dad. The character issue is killing you in the polls. WHAT character issue?! I've got GREAT character! I've got character up to here! That's what we hate. My only flaw is a preternatural intolerence of pesky kids.
Calvin's poll says the character issue is killing Dad. Dad says he's got great character. Calvin says that's what he they hate. Dad says his only flaw is a preternatural intolerance of pesky kids.
ch920501: Paul Gauguin asked, "Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks "whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?" He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway.
ch920502: Look at THIS, Dad! I've got five dollars in here! I'm rich! I've been saving my change for weeks and weeks, and look how much I've got! Guess what I'm going to do with it! Open a savings account? I'll bet I know why you guys don't get invited to parties. Every time you make a deposit, you can think, "Oh boy, another two minutes at college."
Calvin shows Dad five dollars in his jar. He says he's rich. Calvin says he's been saving for weeks. Dad asks if he's going to open a savings account. Calvin looks at the money. He tells Dad he knows why he and Mom don't get invited to parties. Dad says every time he makes a deposit, he can think "another two minutes at college".
ch920503: I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude.
ch920504: My gum has lost its flavor. When that happens, I don't spit it out. I just add a new piece. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock! My jaws ache and I can't close my lips, so I wheeze through my open mouth and drool! An orifice is an amusing thing, all right. Ith funny how you neffa thee gwown-upth do thith.
Calvin tells Hobbes his gum has lost its flavor. He adds another piece instead of spitting the old one out. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock. Hobbes is disgusted. He says an orifice is an amusing thing, all right.
ch920505: Oh boy, the new issue of "Chewing"! You get a magazine? Wow, this looks great! "Special sugarless gum issue - hcoosing an artificial sweetener that's right for YOU... Tongue exercises for bigger bubbles... Rad fashion kneepads for walking and chewing... PLUS an interview with Bazooka Joe!" See, it's all target marketing! Advertisers don't waste their time on mass audiences any more. They find your special interest and they nail you! As if advertising wasn't intrusive enough before. Ooh, the '92 spearmints are out! I gotta get to a store!
Calvin gets the new issue of Chewing magazine. He reads the cover to find the different stories. Tongue exercises, fashion kneepads, and an interview with Bazooka Joe. Calvin explains to Hobbes it's all target marketing. They find your special interest and nail you. Hobbes comments that advertising was intrusive enough before. Calvin sees the '92 Spearmints are out. He has to get to a store.
ch920506: I can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Heck, there must be a DOZEN such magazines. Each appeals to a different faction. "Chewing" is high-gloss, literate and sophisticated. "Gum Action" goes for the gonzo chewers. "Chewers Illustrated" aims at the vintage gum collectors, and so on! Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique, so advertisers can appeal to your ego and get you to cultivate an image that sets you apart from the crowd. It's the divide and conquer trick. I wonder whatever happened to the melting pot. There's no money in it.
Hobbes can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Calvin explains there are many such magazines. Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the melting pot. Calvin says there's no money in it.
ch920507: Here's an interesting article. The top five gum brands are compared in terms of flavor retention, elasticity, bubble capacity and chewing rebound. The computer graph shows the results, compensating for various saliva acidities. If you know your pH, this really helps you choose the proper gum for your chewing style. What kind of nut would CARE about all this?! EVERYONE! This is hard data! It lets you quantify your enjoyment! I thought fun was supposed be FUN. Well I prefer to trust the experts.
Calvin reads an article comparing the top five gum brands. He shows Hobbes graphs so that you can choose the proper gum for your chewing style. Hobbes asks what kind of nut would care about this. Calvin tells him everyone. You can quantify your enjoyment. Hobbes thought fun was supposed to be fun. Calvin prefers to trust the experts.
ch920508: Here's an ad for a new gum called "Hyperbubble", and it says, "If you're not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing cud." Ooh, great copy! Gosh, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I'm NOT! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you BECOME cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everyone ASSUMES you're cool, is it doesn't matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead. I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine!
Calvin reads an ad for a new gum. He wonders if he's cool enough to chew it. He wonders if chewing it would make him cool. Calvin asks Hobbes if he should buy some. Hobbes tells him to do it if his emotional security depends on satisfying a need Calvin didn't have before reading the ad.
ch920509: YAHHH! RRGGHH munch munch munch. You're right. Food DOES taste better this way.
Calvin peeks around a corner to see a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He leaps on it, puts the box in his mouth, shakes the box, then eats the cereal. He tells Hobbes that he was right, food does taste better that way.
ch920510: The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our hero's bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder, our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open, death ray blaster blansting! "I'll give you something to talk about!" he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space, Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet, THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight, I see.
Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room.
ch920511: As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice.
ch920512: Outta my way, Twinky. A person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! I've got to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
ch920513: RINGG RINNG. Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now... ...so please leave a message at the sound of the click. *CLICK*
Calvin answers the phone by saying they can't come to the phone. He says to leave a message at the click. He hangs up the phone. CLICK!
ch920514: Most people just muddle through their lives! They're passive and unmotivated! They lack ambition and drive! Not ME, though! I'm going to have an EPIC life! I'm going to wrestle the issue of the age and change the course of history! How are you going to do that? I'm going to sit here and wait, so opportunity will know where to find me when it's time to change the world. I wish I'd brought a book to read. Naah, it'll be any minute now.
Calvin tells Hobbes most people muddle through their lives. He says he's going to have an epic life. He's going to wrestle the issues of the age and change history. Hobbes asks how he'll do that. Calvin explains he's going to sit and wait, so opportunity knows where to find him when it's time to change the world. Lying against the tree, Hobbes wishes he'd brought a book to read. Calvin says it will be any minute now.
ch920515: OUT! DARN!
Calvin hits the ball into the air. He grabs his glove, catches the ball, and calls "OUT!" Calvin picks up the bat and yells "DARN!"
ch920516: Our country was founded a very long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. 200 B.C.?! "Before Calvin." THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT!
Calvin reads a report in front of the class. He says the country was founded around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood asks what he means. "Before Calvin" is the reply. Calvin is sitting in the corner, on a stool, dunce cap on his head. He says that's what's important.
ch920517: Calvin, I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! I'm not touching it!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this.
ch920518: When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
In the wagon, Calvin says he isn't going to read the newspaper, follow complex issues, or vote. That way, he can complain the government doesn't represent him. When everything fails, he can say the system doesn't work and justify a further lack of participating. Hobbes calls it an ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin says it's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
ch920519: Aw gee, did the darn ol' sun move some MORE?? Oh hush.
Hobbes wakes up, stretches, and walks over to the window. He lies down again. Calvin asks if the darn old sun moved some more. Hobbes tells him to hush.
ch920520: This is the worst assignment ever! I'm supposed to think up a story, write it, and illustrate it by tomorrow! Do I look like a novelist?! This is impossible! I can't tell stories! What about your explanation of the noodle incident? THAT WASN'T A STORY! THAT WAS THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH! Oh, don't be so modest. You deserved a Pulitzer.
Calvin complains about his assignment to think up a story, write and illustrate it. He says he's not a novelist. He can't tell stories. Hobbes suggests he explains the noodle incident. Calvin yells that wasn't a story, it was the unvarnished truth. Hobbes says he's modest. He says Calvin deserved a Pulitzer.
ch920521: Do you have an idea for your story yet? No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
Calvin plays in his sandbox. Hobbes asks if he has a story idea yet. Calvin says he's has to be in the right mood. Hobbes asks what mood that is. Calvin says "last-minute panic".
ch920522: If you ask ME, these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines, rules how to do it, grades... how can you be creating when someone's breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office. Well, maybe not THAT much fun.
Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office.
ch920523: Say, I'VE got an idea! For your story? No, I thought of a way I won't have to write one! Oh no. Hop in the time machine, Hobbes! We're going a few hours into the future! I'll have finished my story by then, so we'll just pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I won't have to write it! Something doesn't make sense here, and I think it's me sitting in this box. Relax! We'll be back as soon as we go.
Calvin has an idea. Hobbes asks if it's for his story. He says it's a way he won't have to write one. He pulls out his time machine from the closet. Calvin says he'll go into the future a few hours. The story will be done by then, so he'll pick it up and bring it back to the present. Hobbes says something doesn't make sense, and he thinks it's him sitting in the box.
ch920524: Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. There's nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents don't mind bad springs.
The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom.
ch920525: Vortex goggles on? Here we go! We'll jump ahead to my bedtime and pick up my completed homework from my own future! Then we'll return to the present and we can goof off the rest of the evening! Here we are! You must be the 8:30 Calvin. Did you have a good trip? No. Pst! Why do you always go on these things?
Calvin and Hobbes time travel to the future. They meet the 8:30 Calvin. The 8:30 Hobbes asks the 6:30 Hobbes why he always goes on these things.
ch920526: Greetings, 8:30 Calvin and Hobbes! I'm 6:30 Calvin and this is 6:30 Hobbes! Charmed. Well, since we're YOU from the past, I suppose you know why we're here. Did you do the homework? Me?? No. NO?! Why not?? Because two hours ago, I went to the future to get it. Yeah, and here I am! Where is it?! That's what I said two hours ago! I knew this would never work. Right as always, Hobbes.
The 6:30 Calvin asks if the homework is done. It's not. The 6:30 Calvin asks why not. The 8:30 Calvin says that two hours ago, he went to the future to get it. The Hobbes' knew this would never work.
ch920527: Do you mean to say it's time for bed and you still haven't written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didn't write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now, because it's 8:30 and I'm supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past, that would mean I should've written it! Well, why didn't you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadn't screwed up my past, your future wouldn't be like this.
The 6:30 Calvin clarifies that it's time for bed, and the story isn't written. The 8:30 Calvin thought the story was done. The early Calvin asks how it could be done if he didn't write it. The future Calvin says it had to be done before now, because he's supposed to be in bed. The early Calvin says that means he should have written it. The future Calvin asks why he didn't. The early Calvin says he came to the future to pick it up. The future Calvin says that if the earlier Calvin hadn't screwed up his past, the earlier Calvin's future wouldn't be like this.
ch920528: Hold it. Let's figure this out. I'M you at 6:30 and YOU'RE me at 8:30. Neither of us did the homework. Right. That means the homework SHOULD'VE been done between my time and your time. Right. We needed to do it at 7:30. But the 7:30 Calvin clearly didn't do it, or you'd have it by now at 8:30. Yeah! This is HIS fault! That lazy little punk! He'll get us BOTH in trouble! Let's go get him!
The two Calvins discuss things. They decide the homework should have been done between their two times. They decide it should have been done at 7:30. They decide the 7:30 Calvin is a lazy little punk. They decide to go get him.
ch920529: Hobbeses, the 8:30 Calvin and I are going to go back to 7:30 and make THAT Calvin do the homework. We'll wait here. All this time travel makes us queasy. We'll be right back. Off we go! This HAS to be the least efficient way to write a paper. All this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
The two Calvins go back to make the 7:30 Calvin do the homework. The two Hobbes' talk. One says this has to be the least efficient way to write a paper. The other says all this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
ch920530: Ah ha! Here we are, right at 7:30! Yikes! My past and my future! Put down that comic book and do our homework! Yeah! Get to work, you loafer! Hey! Why should I do all the work? Either of you could do it too! But I didn't at 6:30 and now it's 7:30. And at 8:30 it will be too late. You're the last chance. Now are you gonna start writing or do we have to pound you? Go ahead and hit me! My FUTURE self will be the one who hurts! HEY!
The two Calvins catch the 7:30 Calvin reading a comic book. The 7:30 Calvin asks why he should do all the work. The others could do it, too. The 6:30 Calvin asks if the 7:30 Calvin will start writing or does he have to pound him. The 7:30 Calvin tells him to go ahead. It will be the future Calvin who hurts. The 8:30 Calvin isn't so sure about this.
ch920531: I don't think so. Definitely not. Mm... nahh... That's a little better. Eww. Yeah, perfect! What now, Calvin? No, absolutely not. Put those back. Mom says no way. Grown-ups have no taste.
Calvin is falling asleep at his desk. A bell rings. He opens his desk and pulls out a phone. That's not making the sound. He pulls out an alarm clock from the desk. That's it! Calvin looks up. He's really in bed with his alarm ringing. He sleepily gets out of bed. Later, he's falling asleep at his desk.
ch920601: You know, Hobbes, if the 7:30 Calvin is at all like the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins, I'll bet he isn't going to write that story. You're right, Hobbes. Why don't WE write a story while we're waiting for them? Yeah! Calvin could use it for his class then. I'll write it down and you can illustrate it! OK, now what should our story be about? Calvin's not here. Let's write about HIM! Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo! Drawing Calvin is easy! You just make a big mouth and add some hair!
The Hobbes' figure none of the Calvins will write the story. They decide to write it. They choose to write about Calvin. One of the Hobbes' says it's easy to draw Calvin. You just make a big mouth and add some hair.
ch920602: Look, guys, you can't gang up on ME! Oh yeah? Why not? Because we're all the same Calvin! In one hour, the 6:30 Calvin will be ME, and in another hour, we'll BOTH be the 8:30 Calvin. That means you guys will suffer whatever you do to me. Oh yeah. Oops. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? His? His!
The 7:30 Calvin says the others can't gang up on him because they're all the same Calvin. The 6:30 Calvin asks whose dumb idea this was. They all point to each other.
ch920603: We're back, but we didn't get the homework. Now it's 8:30 again and we're doomed. Here you go! Hobbes and I wrote a story for you while you were gone! You DID?? Ha ha! We're all done! We can go back to 6:30 now! Thanks, Hobbeses! You guys are life savers! Calvin? It's Mom! Hurry! Hobbes, get in! We'll be you in a couple hours! So long! Aren't you in bed yet? Don't come in! I'm... uh... changing into my PJs!
The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs.
ch920604: Did you write your story for class tomorrow? Sort of. What do you mean, "sort of"? Well, Hobbes helped and I had to do a lot of time traveling. Is your story written or not? Oh, it's written. I just haven't read it.
Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it.
ch920605: All right, Calvin, go ahead. What's YOUR story about? I don't know yet, but I'm sure it's good! My story is entitled, "How Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saved the day... ...no thanks to Calvin, the time-traveling chowderhead." WHAT?! Is there a problem? There WILL be for a certain stripey furball when I get home.
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to read his story. Calvin reads that Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saves the day. He reads that Calvin is a time traveling chowderhead. Miss Wormwood asks if there's a problem. Calvin says there will be for a stripey furball when he gets home.
ch920606: OK, YOU! Me?? This story you wrote is about ME trying to get OUT of writing the STORY! You made my time traveling sound like LUNACY! And the illustration You drew the THREE of me fighting! I was the laughing-stock of the whole class! What grade did it get? Um... A+. She wrote, "Very creative. The 'tiger' narration was a clever touch. I'm glad you're finally applying yourself." ... BUT EVEN SO...!! A+? Maybe I should send this to the New Yorker.
At home, Calvin complains to Hobbes about the story saying Calvin tried to get out of writing the story by time traveling. Calvin complains the drawing was of three of him fighting. He says he was a laughingstock. Hobbes asks what grade he got. Calvin says it was an "A+". Miss Wormwood wrote the "tiger" narration was a clever touch and is glad he's finally applying himself. Hobbes thinks he should send it to the New Yorker.
ch920607: A solitary zokk circles high in the sweltering skies of a desert planet. Below, a thin plume of smoke rises from the wreckage of a small, red spacecraft. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, crawls across the sun-baked land! He... he must find shelter! Wait! Something is approaching! Is it a mirage? Goodness, put on some sun screen and wear a hat if you're going to be out here. Honestly, show a little common sense. And don't give me that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship and sets off to find a more temperate planet with fewer aliens.
Calvin, the commercial pilot, decides to see the Grand Canyon...up close. The jet flies into the canyon. Tourists on the rim wave at Calvin's screaming passengers. After pulling out, Calvin says everyone will be glad later that Calvin took the scenic detour. In the car's back seat, Calvin says if he was driving that's where they would go. Mom says Calvin's not driving, and Arizona is not on the way to the grocery store.
ch920608: Baseball is an intelligent sport. There's more to it than brute force. It may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Especially the way WE play! Right! Now, the first person to discover twelfth base gets a ghost point and one free "Get out of jail"...
Calvin says baseball is an intelligent sport. He says it may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Hobbes says "especially the way we play". Calvin says the first person to discover 12th base gets a ghost point and one free "get out of jail" pass.
ch920609: You'll be proud to know I'm going to donate all the snot I sneeze to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Oh stop being disgusting, Calvin! Nobody needs THAT donated! What an idea! Oh. I have a jar for you to wash.
At the dinner table, Calvin tells Mom he's donating all the snot he sneezes to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Mom says nobody needs that donated. Calvin keeps eating. He tells her he has a jar for her to wash.
ch920610: Dad, where do babies come from? Is it true a stork leaves them swaddled in a bundle on the front step? In most cases, yes, but YOU were unceremoniously dumped down the chimney by a big, hairy pterodactyl. COOL! Explains a lot, doesn't it?
Calvin asks Dad if babies come from a stork leaving them swaddled on the front step. Dad says that's true in most cases, but that Calvin was dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a hairy pterodactyl. Calvin thinks that's cool. Dad says that explains a lot.
ch920611: All? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrorry? Yah! I em beeg eemportant rezearcher oond I require eenglish voolgar zynonyms for disgustink body vunktions, yah? Allo? Allo? No luck? Those librarians are a sharp bunch.
Calvin calls the library with a disguised voice. He is looking for vulgar synonyms for body functions. They hang up on him. Calvin tells Hobbes librarians are a sharp bunch.
ch920612: This town just ain't big enough few the both of us! Yep, I reckon we'll have to annex part o' the county! Mom won't let us play with guns. I get to be the zoning board!
Calvin and Hobbes have on cowboy hats. Calvin says the town isn't big enough for the two of them. Hobbes says they'll have to annex part of the county. As they look at a map, Calvin says Mom won't let them play with guns. Hobbes wants to be the zoning board.
ch920613: BUH-URRRRRRRRRRP! Good HEAVENS, Calvin! What do you say after that?! Great diaphragm control, huh? She'll be sorry when I'm a famous soloist for the orchestra. Maybe she thinks your pitch is off.
Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers "Great diaphragm control". In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off.
ch920614: CALLLVINN! Mom's calling, start the stopwatch. Shouldn't you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesn't see us, so she can't prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK, that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. It's time for bed. It's getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! IT'S NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! IT'S NOT REAL DARK! IT'S DARK ENOUGH. LET'S GO. Rats, she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THAT'S ALL I WANT! NO, COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES, OK? NOW, CALVIN! Darn, she's catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. We'll go for the fake agreement. OK, I'M COMING! Now we can stay out a little longer before she realizes I lied. How's the time? We've dragged this out 53 seconds so far. Good, let's go for the record! Oops, I lost my shoe! Every minute outside and awake is a GOOD minute.
Calvin, as a fly, zips around the room. He annoys everyone with his incessant whine. He gets into the cookies. He's a menace to sanity and health. He laughs. Later, Calvin walks up to Hobbes while holding his rear. Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says he got swatted.
ch920615: This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life! Yeah, well go soak your head! HEY, THAT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR!
Calvin sits at a box offering great ideas for one dollar. Susie comes up and says that's the dumbest thing she's seen. Calvin tells her to go soak her head. She walks off, and Calvin yells after her that she owes him a dollar.
ch920616: How do I know your ideas are great? It says so on my sign. Want one? I don't have a dollar. No problem! You can put 50 cents down and pay 100% interest in dime installments over the next 10 days! People just don't know a reat idea when they hear one.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he knows his ideas are great. Calvin tells him because it says so on the sign and offers one. Hobbes doesn't have a dollar. Calvin offers to take 50 cents down and charge 100% interest in dime installments over the next ten days. Hobbes leaves. Calvin complains people don't know a great idea when they hear one.
ch920617: I'm having an inventory reduction sale! Great ideas are now just a quarter! OK, here. What's your great idea? Buy some more! I'm getting another great idea right now. Me too. See ya.
Calvin offers Mom a great idea for a quarter. He's having an inventory reduction sale. Mom gives him a quarter and asks for the great idea. Calvin tells her to buy some more. Mom says she's getting a great idea. Calvin takes off.
ch920618: Ahh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The seocnd bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my FIRST bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls... ...and by the end of my THIRD bowl, I usually feel sick. Maybe you shouldn't use chocolate milk. I tried cola, but the bubbles went up my nose.
Calvin is eating his second bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He says the pleasure of the first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the third bowl he feels sick. Hobbes says maybe he shouldn't use chocolate milk. Calvin says he tried cola, but the bubbles went up his nose.
ch920619: You call this NEWS?! THIS isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for.
Calvin complains the television isn't informing him. He says it's a sound bite, entertainment, sensationalism. He sits down to watch it, saying that's all he has patience for.
ch920620: Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, "Do nothing." So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it!
Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says "do nothing" every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it.
ch920621: A bee nest! I hate bees! WHAP ZZZZZZZ AIEE! AAAAAAAAA YOWW! I don't see the "harpoon" that "gored" you, but this will help the sting. Call the national guard. I'm sure they can track the bee on radar.
Calvin wonders how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but couldn't name it better than "the big bang". Hobbes asks what Calvin would call it. Calvin says "the horrendous space kablooie". Hobbes thinks that is better. He suggests they lobby to change it.
ch920622: Mom got me some clay! Want to help me make something? Do we get smocks? I want a smock! This kind of clay isn't that messy. You don't need a smock. I WANT A SMOCK! Ok, ok, you can have a smock! Let's get a marker and write "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." I guess it wouldn't show if dad wore his suit coat.
Calvin has some clay. He asks Hobbes if he wants to help him. Hobbes wants a smock. Calvin tells him the clay isn't messy. Hobbes yells that he wants a smock. Calvin gets a shirt for Hobbes. Hobbes wants to write on the smock. "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock". Calvin guesses it wouldn't show if Dad wore his suit coat.
ch920623: I like my smock. Good. ...OK, I'll divide up the clay. Here's yours. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Uh huh... you have to work this stuff a bit to get it soft. Actually, I just like to SAY smock. See, just knead it like so, and then it can be modeled. Smock smock smock smock smock smock! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Hobbes likes his smock. Calvin divides the clay. Hobbes says you can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Calvin tells Hobbes to knead the clay so it can be modeled. Hobbes decides he likes to say smock, so he does...over and over. Calvin wonders what's wrong with Hobbes.
ch920624: Fine art is dead, Hobbes. Nobody understands it. Nobody likes it. Nobody sees it. It's irrelevant in today's culture. If you want to influence people, POPULAR art is the way to go. Mass market commercial art is the future. Besides, it's the only way to make serious money and that's what's important about being an artist. So what kind of sculpture are you making? Please! It's not a "sculpture". It's "collectible figurines".
Calvin says art is dead. He says popular art is the way to influence people. He says that's the only way to make serious money, and that's what's important about being an artist. Hobbes asks what kind of sculpture he's making. Calvin corrects Hobbes by saying it's not "sculpture", but rather "collectible figurines".
ch920625: See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot.
ch920626: There, I made a tiger. THAT'S no good! Who's going to buy something like that?! It's subtle! It's boring! It's incomprehensible! How will this ever appeal to the lowest common denominator?! It's completely unadaptable to merchendising tie-ins! Who cares? I just wanted to make it. WHAT?! IS THIS SOME SNOBBY, ELITIST, AESTETIC THING?!?
Hobbes makes a tiger. Calvin says no one will buy it. He says it's boring. Hobbes says he just wanted to make it. Calvin wonders if this is some snobby, elitist, aesthetic thing.
ch920627: Look at the dopey clay tiger Hobbes made. Gee Calvin, I think this is good. You LIKE it?? Where's the marketabiity? Ask Hobbes if we can put it on the coffee table. But look what I made! A hundred shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters! Eww, you stitched their mouths shut?! Gloat now, 'cause some day I'll be a lot richer than you. I call it "Symphony in Orange, No. 1".
Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes.
ch920628: Summer days are supposed to be longer, but they sure seem short to me. I'll say. We didn't get to do half our itinerary.
Calvin, the ant, is sick of working all the time. He doesn't want to labor for the colony. He has his own needs and desires. He wants some other sap to do the queen's bidding. Mom walks by with a full laundry basket. She asks why she and Dad should feed and shelter Calvin if he won't help around the house. Calvin, the flea, sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment.
ch920629: Suse, stay right there! I want to show you something. It's a surprise, so close your eyes. I'll be right back. Don't move. Oh, cover your nose so you don't smell anything, OK? That's real important. And all your clothes are washable, right? Doggone it, nobody's going to be her friend if she won't TRUST anyone.
Calvin asks Susie to stay where she is. He has a surprise. He wants her to close her eyes and cover her nose. He asks if her clothes are washable. Susie leaves. Calvin comes back with a mask on, carrying a pail. He says nobody's going to be her friend if she won't trust anyone.
ch920630: If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. How so? Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people.
Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people.
ch920701: Mom, I have a question. Sure, Honey. Why would it be worth four dollars a minute to talk on the telephone to goofy ladies who wear their underwear on TV commercials? When were you watching that?! Um... It was on... uh... during my morning cartoons. Somehow, whenever I ask a question, I end up with lots of them to answer.
Calvin asks Mom why it would be worth four dollars a minute to talk to ladies wearing their underwear on commercials. Mom asks when he was watching that. Calvin replies during morning cartoons. Calvin walks off lamenting that whenever he asks a question, he ends up with a lot of them to answer.
ch920702: Let's not play this any more, hmm? It's not MY fault you make a very big frog!
Calvin hops over Hobbes. He lands on his back, then climbs over Hobbes' head. Hobbes grabs Calvin and says they shouldn't play that anymore. Calvin says it's not his fault Hobbes makes a very big frog.
ch920703: What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL!
Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real.
ch920704: Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! I wish I had more enemies. I'm sure you will someday, honey.
Calvin fills a water balloon. He hides behind a tree, chuckling. Night falls. As Mom puts him in bed, Calvin says he wishes he had more enemies. Mom tells him he will someday.
ch920705: I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. That's the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you can't control. You can't go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example, I'd like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end.
A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window.
ch920706: Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
Calvin looks at a cloud. The cloud turns into him, sticking his tongue out. The cloud drifts off, and Calvin says there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
ch920707: I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head, huge and white, floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously it's a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds, I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know, some sort of cumulonimbal thing.
Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a cloud that looked like him. Calvin says it was a sign. Hobbes asks what it was a sign of. Calvin replies a peculiar high altitude wind. Hobbes says science takes the fun out of the portent business.
ch920708: Hi Dad, it's me, Calvin. I just called to let you know it's a perfect day outside. Too bad you're trapped in a boring office while I'm running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
ch920709: People are so self-centered. The world would be a better place if people would stop thinking about themselves and focus on others for a change. Gee, I wonder who that might apply to. Me! Everyone should focus more on ME!
Calvin tells Hobbes people are self-centered. Calvin says the world would be a better place if people stopped thinking about themselves and focused on others. Hobbes rolls his eyes and asks who that might apply to. Calvin says himself. Everyone should focus more on him.
ch920710: Here I am, all set to write my autobiography, and I'm stuck! What's the problem? I can't remember the first half of my life! Maybe your Mom knows what you did. I asked her. She said I did revolting things that are probably unpublishable. Well no wonder you suppressed the memories. Maybe I was in jail!
Calvin is stuck while trying to write his autobiography. He tells Hobbes he can't remember the first half of his life. Hobbes suggests Mom might know what Calvin did. Calvin says he asked her. She said he did revolting things that were probably unpublishable. Hobbes understands why Calvin suppressed the memories. Calvin wonders if he was in jail.
ch920711: The problem with tigers is they have no setting between "Off" and "High".
Calvin walks past Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Calvin continues, then Hobbes leaps on Calvin. As Hobbes runs off, Calvin says tigers have no setting between "off" and "high".
ch920712: I read another article whining about how much violence is on television. So I've seen a few thousand homicides in my day! What's the big deal?! It's my RIGHT to watch violence on TV! It's people like me who make these programs profitable! I say the consumer is always right, and if the advertisers want me to watch TV, the shows had better pander to my tastes! ... and frankly, I like to watch shoot outs, car wrecks, fist fights, and grisly muders! I like to be ENTERTAINED! Don't you worry that all this violence is desensitizing? Nahh. I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me.
Calvin climbs the slide ladder. He sees himself high above town, then above the clouds. The sees himself sliding down back toward earth. Calvin sits on top the slide at home. Calvin doesn't think he's going to do it, despite Dad standing there coaxing him.
ch920713: I let my mind wander a bit and it didn't come back. I figured you'd lost your mind years ago.
Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago.
ch920714: Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don't get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww, gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you, Hobbes, it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs fly in such crazy loops, he wonders why they don't get dizzy and barf. Hobbes suggests maybe they do. Calvin thinks that's gross, but wonders why they'd keep flying that way. Hobbes suggests maybe they like to barf, and he starts to laugh. Calvin is grossed out, but he laughs. As they walk off, Calvin says it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
ch920715: What if we die and it turns out our God is a big CHICKEN?? What then?! Just eat your dinner, OK? ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT!
Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences.
ch920716: One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense. For example, I'm about to stick my nose in a jar of mustard and inhale deeply! Let's see what it's like. WHOOP!! See, whed you are oder, you dake your sinuses fo granded. Some of us prefer to.
Calvin opens the refrigerator and tells Hobbes that one of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and more intense. He decides to stick his nose in a mustard jar and inhale deeply. His eyes flare open and he flies up into the air. Calvin says when you're older, you take your sinuses for granted. Hobbes walks off saying some of us prefer to.
ch920717: How's your book? I can't put it down. Gripping? You said it. Maybe you should wash your hands. It's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
Calvin is reading a book under a tree. Hobbes asks how it is. Hobbes asks if it's gripping. Calvin says it is. Hobbes suggests Calvin wash his hands. Calvin pulls his hand from the book and says it's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
ch920718: Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there yet remain some villany thou hast not committed? Thou dost wrong me! Faith, I know not where I wander. Methings the most capricious zephyr hath more design than I. Bot lo: do not detain me. For I am resolv'd to quit this place forthwith. Ay, but hear you this, I'll soon know thy business, get thee gone, wastrel! By my troth, I am off. Holy schlaMOLY, isn't there a cop show on where they talk like real people? Shhh.
Speaking like Shakespearean characters, Mom asks "whither goest thou, young rogue". Calvin replies "thou dost wrong me". He says he is "resolv'd to quit this place forthwith". He leaves the house, and Mom says she'll "soon know thy business". Calvin replies "by my troth, I am off". Watching television, Calvin asks Mom if there isn't a cop show where they talk like real people.
ch920719: ... SIGHHH... Three plus two... Calvin?
Calvin runs up and hits a golf ball with a golf club. He stops as the ball flies back over his head. He and Hobbes are chasing the ball. Calvin tackles Hobbes, then fights with him. Calvin escapes, but Hobbes pounces on him before he can hit the golf ball again. They fight, and Hobbes escapes to hit the ball. Hobbes holds Calvin away with his foot as he hits the ball again. Calvin says if you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport.
ch920720: The best thing about Captain Steroid comic books is that every issue is number one. Every issue?? Sure! That way they're ALL collector items! These will be worth billions of dollars some day! Of course, they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags, but it's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Gosh, and I keep buying bonds. Look at the great committee that drew THIS issue!
Calvin is glad the Captain Steroid comic has every issue as issue number one. He says that way, they're all collector items. He says they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags. That's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Hobbes says he keeps buying bonds. Calvin shows Hobbes the great committee that drew the issue he has in hand.
ch920721: Mom, Hobbes takes my comic books and reads them before I do! Make him stop! Um... He spoils all the good parts too! He yells out what's happening while he's reading. He goes, "Oh no, Captain Steroid is getting his kidneys punched with an I-Beam! Oh gross, now he's bleeding all over the..." Let me see this comic book. NOW DON'T YOU READ IT FIRST!!
Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first.
ch920722: Mom doesn't understand comic books. She doesn't realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Today's superheroes face tough moral dilemmas. Comic books aren't escapist fantasy. They're sophisticated social critiques. Is Amazon girl's super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit? Nah, they can all do that.
Calvin, reading a comic beneath the tree, tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't understand comic books. Calvin says they deal with serious issues of the day. He says comic book aren't just escapist fantasy, but they're sophisticated social critiques. Hobbes asks if Amazon Girl's super power is the ability to squeeze her figure into her suit. Calvin tells her they all can do that.
ch920723: Whoa, Dad! Don't miss your bus! Leggo!
Calvin peeks around the corner of the house. He sees something and gets excited. He turns on the outside water spigot. The sprinkler has been wrapped around a tree, with the sprinkler head up in the tree. Below the flowing sprinkler is Dad's briefcase and papers. Off page, Calvin is saying for Dad not to miss his bus and to let him go.
ch920724: Is the coast clear? Give me a boost! What's the plan? We wait for Susie to walk underneath this tree and then we drop a water balloon on her! What if she doesn't walk by? Then we just sit in the tree all day. I love summer. The days are just PACKED!
Calvin asks for Hobbes to boost him into a tree. Calvin plans to wait for Susie to walk underneath the tree, then he'll drop a water balloon on her. Hobbes asks what they'll do if she doesn't walk by. Calvin says they'll just sit in the tree all day. Hobbes loves summer. Calvin says the days are just packed.
ch920725: Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
Getting ready for his bath, Calvin shows Hobbes the grass stains on his skin. He says if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
ch920726: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it.
ch920727: Life is so sweet.
Calvin fills a water balloon, happily looks at it, then grins evilly. He says life is so, so sweet.
ch920728: I have a question, Dad. Sure. Which exactly are the halcyon days of my youth? Is Saturday one? I believe they are awarded retroactively when you're grown up. You can't identify them until THEN? Calcyonity is relative. I'll go ask Mom.
Calvin asks Dad which are the halcyon days of his youth. Dad says they're awarded retroactively when you've grown up. Calvin asks if you can't identify them until then. Dad says halcyonity is relative. Calvin says he's going to ask Mom.
ch920729: It's too hot to sleep with you in the bed. You're blocking the breeze and you take up too much room! Opening the window more isn't going to help! The problem is your big, hot, furry body! Hey! Leggo! I didn't mean it! No! I'm comfortable! Reall! And Mom can't imagine how my pajamas get so gritty.
Calvin tells Hobbes it's too hot to sleep with him in the bed. He says Hobbes blocks the breeze and takes up too much room. Hobbes opens the window. Calvin complains that isn't going to help. The problem is his big, furry body. Hobbes grabs Calvin and puts him on the garage roof. Lying on it, with his pillow, Calvin says Mom can't imagine how his pajamas get so gritty.
ch920730: I don't have anything to do. Well, then why don't you go clean your room? I was bragging.
Calvin tells Mom that he doesn't have anything to do. She suggests he go clean his room. Calvin tells Mom he was bragging.
ch920731: How's business? Terrible. That's hard to believe. I can't understand it. Everybody I know needs what I'm selling.
Calvin sits at an upside-down box that offers swift kicks in the butt for a dollar. Hobbes asks how business is, and Calvin tells him it's terrible. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's hard to believe. Calvin can't understand it. He says everybody he knows needs what he's selling.
ch920801: When you're as long as the pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.
In their blow-up pool, Hobbes kneels at one end. Calvin looks at his watch. Hobbes falls forward, touching the other side. Calvin tells him that when you're as long as the swimming pool, swimming a lap in zero seconds isn't a record.
ch920802: Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis.
ch920803: OPEN THE DOOR!
Calvin leaps over his lawn sprinkler. He jumps over it, being splashed by the water. He looks at the sky. As it starts to rain, Calvin runs back to the house yelling for the door to be opened.
ch920804: I don't have to go to bed now! I don't have to do what you say! Actually you do. It's in your contract. My contract? what contract? Oh, it's a pretty standard pre-natal form. I had power of attorney since you wer ejust a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime. Dad says I can renegotiate when I'm 18. This 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to your prom date.
Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date.
ch920805: Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH!
Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin.
ch920806: C'mon, let's go try to find a big poisonous snake! What will we do if we see one? Are you kidding? We'll scare ourselves silly and run around in circles, screaming like a bunch of loons! I look forward to when we're old enough to get our morning jolt from coffee. Ahh, I'll bet that wears off quicker.
Calvin wants to find a poisonous snake. Hobbes asks what they'll do if they see one. Calvin tells him they'll scare themselves silly, run around in circles, and scream like loons. Hobbes looks forward to when they're old enough to get their morning jolt from coffee. Calvin says he bets that wears off quicker.
ch920807: Oh greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled.
ch920808: You know what I've discovered? What? A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Oh, that's good to know. If you weren't such a muttonhead, you might have thought of it yourself! See?? You proved my point!
Calvin has discovered a little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's good to know. Calvin says if he wasn't such a muttonhead, he might have thought of it himself. Calvin, stuck into the ground, says Hobbes just proved his point.
ch920809: Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well, I enjoyed coming home...
In poem form, aliens come, drain the ocean, suck up the clouds and air. People cry for the aliens to stop. The aliens reply that while they're sorry to learn the people will soon be dead, they prefer their extinction to the loss of the aliens' job. Calvin shows Hobbes his science fiction story. He asks if it's too far-fetched. Hobbes says it's not enough, really.
ch920810: I slept on my hair funny. I can tell. Maybe if I mousse it, it will stay like this! See if your Mom has any curlers for the back!
Calvin's hair is flat on one side. He says he slept on it funny. He wonders if it will stay that way if he mousses it. Hobbes wonders if Mom has curlers for the back.
ch920811: Hello, information? Yes, what exactly is the difference between a hotdog, a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK, FINE! Thanks for NOTHING, you fraud!! And I've heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon! You can't trust anyone.
Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the "operator" isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone.
ch920812: I'm sick of hearing about personal responsibility! I've already DONE my part to make the world a better place to live. Really? Sure! I was BORN! Oh yes, I forgot to thank you. Join the club!
Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's done his part to make the world a better place to live. He was born. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he forgot to thank Calvin. Calvin tells him to join the club.
ch920813: Man, it must be 100 degrees today! Animals sure are dumb to have all that fur. People sure are ugly without it. I'll bet he's cranky because he's so hot.
Calvin complains because of the heat. He says animals are dumb to have all that fur. Hobbes replies people are sure ugly without it. Calvin walks off betting Hobbes is so cranky because he's so hot.
ch920814: Run for your life! There's a million angry hornets coming! They're insane with rage! They'll sting anyone in their path! Lousy bugs! What are they made about? I've been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. A REAL FRIEND WOULDN'T TAKE THEIR SIDE!!
Calvin runs past Hobbes, telling him to run from the hornets that are coming. Calvin says they're insane with rage and calls them lousy bugs. Hobbes asks what they're mad about. Calvin says he's been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. Hobbes puts Calvin on a tree branch. Calvin yells that a real friend wouldn't take their side.
ch920815: Whee hee hee SPLOOSHH. Oh, what an awful thing I did! How I regret it now! I hereby resolve to change my evil ways! Oh remorse, remorse! My penitent sinner shtick needs work.
Calvin cheerily runs up with a water balloon and hits Susie with it. Then, Calvin apologizes for what he's done and resolves to change his evil ways. Calvin is pounded into the ground. He says his penitent sinner schtick needs work.
ch920816: No text
Little Calvins in helmets run controls. They miscalculated and need to reduce forward momentum. The landing leg is out of alignment. One calls for view ports to open. They prepare for crash positions. Adrenalin is at maximum. They try to redistribute all weight. They prepare for impact. Calvin falls down the steps. Mom asks if he's alright. Calvin says damage assessment is under way.
ch920817: Wake up, honey. It's morning. Gosh, it's not very bright out. What time is ... Let's go, honey. Jump out of bed! Mom?? NICE TRY!! See, I TOLD you his Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. OK, YOU do it next time!
Mom wakes Calvin up. As he awakens, Calvin notices it's not very bright. He asks the time. A tentacle taps him as a voice under the bed tells him to jump out of bed. Calvin tells the monsters that was a nice try. Beneath the bed, a voice says that it told the other monster Calvin's Mom doesn't smack her lips like that. The other monster says next time he can do it.
ch920818: Goodness, you look tired. The monsters under my bed kept me up all night. But I checked for monsters when I tucked you in... and there weren't any. I know. Then how did they get there after I left? YOU WANT ME TO CRAWL UNDER AND ASK THEM?!
Calvin tells Mom the monsters under his bed kept him up all night. She says she checked when she tucked him in, and there weren't any. Calvin knows. She asks how they got there after she left. Calvin asks if she wants him to crawl under and ask them.
ch920819: Mom wants me to try an experiment tonight. She says the monsters under my bed may need me to THINK about them to exist. Her theory is that if I just don't think about them, they'll go away. ...of course, that idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. And it's not like Mom and Dad go away when I stop thinking about THEM.
In bed, Calvin says Mom wants him to try an experiment. Mom's theory is that if Calvin doesn't think about them will make them go away. Hobbes offers that the idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. Calvin adds that Mom and Dad don't go away when he stops thinking about them.
ch920820: Attention all monster! I am now going to stop thinking about you! MOMMMM! Admit it, you LIED to us!
Calvin tells the monsters he's going to stop thinking about them. He looks over to see eyes and long claws looming over the bed. Calvin turns the light on and yells for Mom. A voice under the bed tells Calvin to admit it, he lied to them.
ch920821: As soon as we turn the lights off, the monsters will come back out from under the bed. They're not going to go away, so I guess we need to find some way to live with them. It's hard to co-exist with things that want to kill you. Well we've got to do SOMETHING. We are. We're staying awake all night with the lights on. I wonder if we could set fire to the bed without burning the house down.
Calvin tells Hobbes that they monsters will come out when they turn the lights off. He wants to figures out some way to live with them. Hobbes says it's hard to coexist with things that want to kill you. Calvin says they have to do something. Hobbes says they are. They're staying awake all night with the lights on.
ch920822: Whoo! It smells awful in here! Why does your room stink? It's because of the darn monsters under my bed! Calvin, I don't believe for a minute that your nighttime "monsters" are causing this smell. But it's true. See? They don't eat all the garbage we throw down there to keep 'em quiet.
Mom asks Calvin why his room stinks. He says it's because of the monsters under the bed. Mom doesn't believe the monsters are causing the smell. She reaches under the bed and comes out with some cans, bones, and a banana peel. Calvin says the monsters don't eat all the garbage they throw down there to quiet them.
ch920823: AHHHHHHH. HUHHNNNGH. KAWUNCH!
Calvin says his bug bites itch, but he won't scratch. He feels like ants are crawling on him, that his head is on fire, that it explodes. Finally, he scratches the bites. He feels like he's melting. He says it was worth it. The bites itch again.
ch920824: Ta da da daaaaa! I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! Kapwinnnggg! Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
Susie is playing as Calvin comes up, declaring himself Stupendous Man. He runs off. Susie says virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
ch920825: I feel I have an obligation to keep a journal of my thoughts. Oh? Being a genius, my ideas are naturally more important and interesting than other people's, so I figure the world would benefit from a record of my mental activities. How philanthropic of you. Well, the world isn't going to get it cheap. So what are you writing today? I couldn't really think of anything, so I'm drawing some Martians attaching Indianapolis.
Calvin feels an obligation to keep a journal. He says his ideas are more interesting than other people's. Hobbes says that's very philanthropic of him. Calvin says the world won't get it cheap. Hobbes asks what he's writing. Calvin couldn't think of anything, so he's drawing Martians attacking Indianapolis.
ch920826: Call me Calvin. actually, make that "Calvin, Boy Genius, Hope of Mankind." ... or "Doctor Destiny" for short. (That's "Doctor Destiny, Sir" to you.) My journal is off to a good start.
Calvin starts his journal by calling himself a boy genius, hope of mankind. He adds he could be called Doctor Destiny, sir. He says his journal is off to a good start.
ch920827: I wish my shirt had a logo or a product on it. A good shirt turns the wearer into a walking corporate billboard! It says to the world, "My identity is so wrapped up in what I buy that I paid the COMPANY to advertise its products!" You'd admit that? Oh sure, endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
Calvin wishes his shirt had a logo on it. He says a good shirt turns the wearer into a walking billboard. It says the wearer pays to advertise the company's products. Calvin says endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
ch920828: Know what I pray for? What? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. You should lead an interesting life. Oh, I already DO!
Calvin asks for the strength to change what he can, the inability to accept what he can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. Hobbes says he should lead an interesting life.
ch920829: We've got to get cable TV, Dad. No, we don't. But people across the country are watching different TV shows than we are! If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous? We can't rely on monolithic natworks to provide uniform national blandness anymore! There's still McDonald's and Wal-Mart. But they don't come into our HOMES!
Calvin tells Dad they need to get cable TV. He says people across the country watch different TV shows than they are. He asks what will keep their culture homogeneous if they don't watch the same TV. Dad suggests there's still McDonald's and Wal-mart. Calvin complains they don't come into their homes.
ch920830: DING DONG. C'mon, c'mon... answer the door! DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG. What's wrong with you people?? Don't you answer your door? AAAUGH! Oh, it figures it's you. Mom says our doorbell is not a toy. Go away. Hopeless. From now on, it's illegal to hide in other people's houses. Good try, though. Girls just don't understand sports. That's the problem.
Spaceman Spiff flies over an uncharted planet and notices an alien. Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. He sees the monster. He wonders what circumstances of evolution made a creature so ugly. Calvin is staring at Susie. She tells him to get away from her. Spiff's field guide says the creature is a "gurl".
ch920831: Where do the candidates stand on dinosaur research?! That's what I want to know! Which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank? They can't ignore the dinosaur vote! If nobody panders to us, we'll throw the election! We'll stay home! We're disaffected, disenfranchised and discombobulated! We single-issue activities like to have our "hot buttons" pushed.
Calvin wonders where their candidates stand on dinosaur research. He wonders which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank. He says if no one panders to them, they'll stay home from the election. He says single-issue activists like to have their "hot buttons" pushed.
ch920901: Hey Dad, know what I figured out? The meaning of words isn't a fixed thing! Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings, ordinary English can become an exclusionary code! Two generations can be divided by the same language! To that end, I'll be inventing some new definitions for common words. So we'll be unable to communicate. Don't you think that's totally spam? It's lubricated! Well, I'm phasing. Marvy. Fab. Far our.
Calvin tells Dad that the meaning of words isn't a fixed thing. Any word can mean anything. He says English can become an exclusionary code. Generations can be divided by the same language. He asks Dad if he thinks that's totally spam. He says it's lubricated, and that he's phasing. Dad gives Calvin the peace sign and tells him marvy, fab, far out.
ch920902: Watcha doin'? I'm seeing if it's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. I guess it isn't. Ugh. What a mess. C'mon, I'll bet it's hotter on the car dash!
Calvin cracks an egg to see if it's hot enough to fry on the sidewalk. He and Hobbes look at it and decide it's not hot enough. It's a mess. They run off. Calvin bets it's hotter on the car dash.
ch920903: I hate hearing about social responsibility! Whatever happened to unbridled greed, the conspicuous consumption of wealth, and the get-ahead-by-any-means credo?? Don't tell me it's all over! I didn't get to participate! They can't change the game before I'm old enough to play! It's not fair! The "Me Decade" left without its poster child. Maybe we can declare THIS the "Calvin Decade".
Calvin hates hearing about social responsibility. He wonders what happened to greed and the consumption of wealth. He hasn't gotten to participate. Hobbes suggests it's the "me decade" left without its poster child.
ch920904: I ate a popsicle and now my tongue is purple, and my face is a sticky, blotchy red. My fingers are gummy, my arms are tacky where I wiped my mouth, my shirt is dripping wet, and the stick is stuck to my pocket. I'm a syrupy mess! Who can I hug? I'm sitting over here.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting outside on the porch. Calvin ate a Popsicle, and his tongue is purple, his face sticky red. His fingers are gummy, and his shirt is dripping wet. He's a syrupy mess. He wonders who he can hug. Hobbes moves away from Calvin.
ch920905: Oh no... oh no... WHERE ARE ALL MY CARTOON CHARACTER UNDERPANTS?? In the laundry. Wear something else. RRRRGGHHH I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals.
Calvin looks in his dresser, then asks where his cartoon character underpants are. Mom says they're in the laundry. Calvin hates it when he can't gird his loins with funny animals.
ch920906: Very good work, Calvin. You got an "A". All right, class. Books open! Next chapter! Sighhhh...
As Calvin passes Hobbes lying on the floor, he says it's hard to believe his conscience lets him sleep that well. Calvin walks on. Hobbes gets up, stalks, and pounces on Calvin. Hobbes returns to his spot, lies down, yawns, and says "now it does".
ch920907: People complain that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste, but I disagree. You do? Yeah, I think it's a fallacy that taste bottoms out somewhere. If they could find some way to aim even LOWER, they'd make some REAL money. I'm sure there's a brilliant career ahead of you. There MUST be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes!
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he doesn't agree that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste. Calvin thinks if they could find a way to aim even lower, they'd make real money. He figures there must be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes.
ch920908: Let's go! Time for bed. I'm not going to bed. Oh yes, you are. Move it. Don't be so dysfunctional, Mom. I've got a new entry for our list of words that get a reaction.
Mom tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin says he's not going. He tells her not to be so dysfunctional. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he has a new entry for his list of words that get a reaction.
ch920909: What's with the umbrella and backpack? My motto is "Be Prepared". Prepared for what? One never knows. I've got a dart gun, five comic books, some gum, a wrench, a book on bugs, a map of Montana, an eraser, and a rock. Gee, EVERYone should carry a kit like this. The umbrella doubles as a parachute.
Calvin is standing with an umbrella. He says his motto is "be prepared". He has a dart gun, comic books, gum, a map of Montana, and a few other things. Hobbes says everyone should carry a kit like that. Calvin says the umbrella doubles as a parachute.
ch920910: Eight hundred and seventy-three million... four hundred ninety-one thousand... six hundred and thirty-TWO! This gets easier when the numbers are big.
Calvin is jumping rope. He's standing with his rope, saying what jump he's doing. He finally jumps the rope. He says jumping gets easier when the numbers are big.
ch920911: Yes, Calvin? Miss Wormwood, I'm a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the day's struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. Boy, what a touchy subject!
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood he's a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. However, he feels the need for spiritual guidance as he faces the day's struggles. He wonders if he can strip down, smear himself with paste, and burn a little effigy of her. As he goes to the principal's office, he realizes that's a touchy subject.
ch920912: I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! AGHH! LEGGO! LEGGO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PUT ME DOWN! I WISH I WAS DEAD! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING! AARRGGHHH! Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the "child within", I want to scream.
Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the "child within", she wants to scream.
ch920913: Calvin, the mighty tyrannosaur, stands over his kill and roars triumphantly! The struggle to bring down his prey has given Calvin a monstrous appetite! With massive jaws twisting violently at the carcass, he rips apart gigantic chunks and swallows them whole! What a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony! That's enough for tonight, Calvin. You're going to get sick if you eat all that. But Mom, I earned it!
The pterodactyl flies over the water. Suddenly, a creature rises out of the water yelling for Calvin to pay attention. Miss Wormwood says they're studying geography. She asks what state he lives in. Calvin replies "denial". Miss Wormwood walks away, saying she can't argue with that. The pterodactyl flies off.
ch920914: When you look at me, it's clear that my genes contain the evolutionary perfection of earthly DNA. I am the culmination of creation. With no tail?! I don't think so! Stop that! My butt doesn't NEED aesthetic enhancement.
Calvin says his genes contain the evolutionary perfection of DNA. He's the culmination of creation. Hobbes looks down the back of Calvin's pants. He says he doesn't think so. Calvin has no tail. Calvin says his butt doesn't need aesthetic enhancement.
ch920915: When you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
Calvin is toasting a piece of bread. The toast burns. Calvin walks off with the toast, saying that when you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
ch920916: Here, take a picture of me, OK? Sure. I'll sit holding this big book, looking contemplative. Why do you want a picture like THAT? On the off-chance I decide to do something responsible with my life, I'll need to establish a ficticious childhood.
Calvin wants Hobbes to take a picture of him. He holds a book, looking contemplative. Hobbes asks why he wants a picture like that. Calvin tells him that on the off-chance he does something responsible with his life, he'll need to establish a fictitious childhood.
ch920917: This is what I like about photography. People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts, but really, cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth! For example, I've cleared off this corner of my bed. Take a picture of me here, but crop out all the mess around me, so it looks like I keep my room tidy. Is this even legal? Wait, let me comb my hair and put on a tie.
Calvin says people think cameras always tell the truth. He says cameras lie all the time. If you select the facts, you manipulate the truth. He's cleared a corner of his bed. If Hobbes takes a picture of him, and crops out the mess around him, it looks like he keeps his room tidy. Hobbes asks if this is legal. Calvin runs off to comb his hair and put on a tie.
ch920918: OK, there's a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah, but people believe what they see, and now we've got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning, huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesn't keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait. Ooh, now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe!
Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books.
ch920919: I'm a simple man, Hobbes. YOU?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided head-seeking missiles! I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
Calvin says he's a simple man. Hobbes tells him that yesterday, he wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet. Calvin modifies his statement that he's a simple man with complex tastes.
ch920920: If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? ...hmm... Anything at all! Whatever you want! A sandwich. A SANDWICH?!? WHAT KIND OF A STUPID WISH IS THAT?! Talk about a failure of imagination! I'D ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle and a private continent. I got MY wish.
Hobbes pounces on Calvin, drags him along, then dumps him on the floor. Calvin says he needs to make friends with some less territorial animals.
ch920921: You have a question, Calvin? More of a statement, really. I just want to say that education is our most important investment in the future, and it's scandalous how little our educators are paid! OK, hands up. Who ELSE didn't do the homework for today? Actually, I'd like to see more teachers out on the streets.
Calvin raises his hand in class. He wants to say education is the most important investment in their future. It's scandalous how little educators are paid. Miss Wormwood stands dumbfounded. She asks the class who else didn't do the homework for today. Calvin mumbles he'd like to see more teachers out on the streets.
ch920922: You're dead at recess, Twinky. You don't scare ME, Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free.
Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free.
ch920923: I hate school! I'm not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year.
Calvin says he refuses to go to school again. Calvin gets tossed out the door. As he brushes himself off, Calvin says he thinks Mom lettered in shot put her junior year.
ch920924: I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. There's velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more! Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received.
Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received.
ch920925: I figured out how I can achieve success without hard work. How? I'll find a profession where everyone in it is worse than me! That might take hard work.
In his wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's figured out how he can achieve success without hard work. He has to find a profession where everyone in it is worse than he is. Hobbes says that might take hard work.
ch920926: Act casual.
Calvin walks by Dad thinking he needs to act casual. Behind Dad is a Tinkertoy creation. When the door is opened, a bucket of water will pour into a ramp pointing at the back of Dad's head.
ch920927: BBRRBBBRBB beep beep. GAAAPA! OOMP. You moved upwind, silly! Sheesh, human senses aren't worth beans. GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOTIC SAVAGE! Your nature program is on. Don't you want to watch it? NO!
Calvin's food rolls off his plate. It goes to the edge of the table, then comes back. It jumps into Calvin's shirt. He struggles and runs off with the food on his back. He rolls on the floor to kill it. He lifts his shirt to see it, and Mom stands there. Calvin tries to explain, but is sent to bed.
ch920928: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional. Denial springs eternal. It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he isn't supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin is pretty sure the assignment was optional. Hobbes says denial springs eternal. Calvin says it isn't denial. He's very selective about the reality he accepts.
ch920929: I say a day without denial is a day you've got to face. From now on, I'm not going to think about anything unpleasant. Isn't that a self-deceiving way to go through life? I'm not going to think about that.
Calvin says a day without denial is one you've got to face. He's not going to think of anything that's unpleasant. Hobbes asks if that isn't a self-deceiving way to go through life. Calvin says he isn't going to think about that.
ch920930: Time for your bath. Let's go. Sorry, I'm in denial about my baths. Fine. Go ahead and deny it. Nobody respects my denial.
Mom tells Calvin it's time for his bath. Calvin says he's in denial about baths. Mom puts him in the tub and says he can go ahead and deny it. Calvin says nobody respects his denial.
ch921001: No text
Calvin catches a fly in the house. He opens the door to let it out. Three more fly in. Calvin is happy for his good deed.
ch921002: Can I have five dollars? If you want money, you should earn it by working. Shaking you down seems to be work.
Calvin asks Mom for five dollars. Mom says he should earn it by working. Calvin says shaking her down seems to be work.
ch921003: I need a push! Someone push me! I need a push! Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
Calvin is sitting on a swing. He yells that he wants a push. He looks around and says everybody he knows fails the acid test of friendship.
ch921004: Boy, it's cold out! It's a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isn't working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow.
Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says "click" and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes.
ch921005: A quandary. Mom once said she loved me, just the way I am. So I wonder what would happen, if I became a clam. If her son was gray and grimy, slippery and sliy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
Calvin writes a poem about Mom saying she loved him just the way he is. He writes what he wonders would happen if he were a clam. If he was gray and slimy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Calvin says good poetry gives him goosebumps.
ch921006: What story would you like tonight? We can read anything except... "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie"! NO! No Hamster Huey tonight! We've read that book a million times! I want Hamster Huey! Look, you KNOW how the story goes! You've memorized the whole thing! It's the same story every day! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Wow, the story was different THAT time! Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?
Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head.
ch921007: I wish I had a baby brother. You want a new friend to play with? No, I want somebody small I could beat up. Look honey, can we talk about that operation some other time?
Calvin tells Mom he wishes he had a baby brother. She asks if Calvin wants a new friend to play with. Calvin says he wants somebody small he can beat up. Dad is on the phone, with his boss standing in front of him. Dad whispers into the phone. He wonders if they can talk about that operation some other time.
ch921008: Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right?
Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives.
ch921009: Look how your tail flips around! I wonder which muscles control that. I can sort of clench my butt, but I don't think it could wiggle a tail. Hmm, how strange! I've never really thought about butt muscles before. Some things don't need the thought people give them.
Calvin points out how Hobbes' tail flips around. He wonders which butt muscles control that. He can clench his butt, but he doesn't think it would wiggle a tail. He walks off saying he's never thought of butt muscles before. Hobbes says some things don't need the thought people give them.
ch921010: I'M IN A VERY BAD MOOD, SO NOBODY'D BETTER MESS WITH ME TODAY, BOY!! Here, I got you a new comic book. Why don't you just sit on the couch and I'll make you some peanut butter crackers. Are you comfy? Um, I guess so. Mom knows EVERYTHING.
Calvin yells that he's in a bad mood. Mom gets Calvin a comic book. She says he should sit on the couch, and she'll bring him some peanut butter crackers. Calvin decides Mom knows everything.
ch921011: Hello, Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-you're a robot?? Ha hah, affirmative. We wouldn't trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands, now, would we? Um... I gues not... How's the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar, would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here, a dab there... ah, that should do it. Wow, that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks, Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh.
Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself.
ch921012: I bet you're all thinking, "Wow, how did these clothes walk to the front of the class all by themselves?" And NOW look! Here's a piece of chalk floating around! Pretty weird, huh? Yes, for Show and Tell today, I, Calvin, have turned myself invisible! Ha ha! Now I'll take off these clothes and the next sound you hear will be my feet heading for the door! Adios, amigos! Lucky guess, Miss Wormwood! Woooooh, these pants are hovering over the class! Ooooh!
Calvin walks to the front of class saying the class wonders how the clothes walked on their own. He picks up a piece of chalk and says it's floating around. Calvin has made himself invisible. His shirt comes off. He says he'll take off his clothes and head for the door. Miss Wormwood picks Calvin up. He says the pants are hovering over the class.
ch921013: I'm not going to do my math homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intruiging possibilities into boring ol' facts. I never really thought about the literary qualities of math. I prefer to savor the myster.
Calvin says he isn't going to do his math homework. He says numbers are in mortal combat with each other. One will get subtracted. Why? How? If he answered those questions, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn possibilities into boring facts. Hobbes says he never thought about the literary qualities of math. Calvin closes the book, saying he prefers to savor the mystery.
ch921014: Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground. HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that if ignorance is bliss, her lessor would be an attempt to deprive him of happiness. That's an unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. He hops out of his chair, saying he'll assert his patriotic prerogative not to know the material. He tries to leave the classroom but is grabbed. He cries out for help from the monarchists.
ch921015: I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting.
ch921016: Hello, county library? Yes, do you have any books on why girls are so weird? That's what I said. Or you might also try looking under "obnoxious". Are you serious?! You mean there's no research on this at all?? I'll bet the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
Calvin calls the library asking for books on why girls are so weird. He suggests they look under "obnoxious". He asks if they're serious. He asks if they mean there's no research on that at all. He says he bets the library just doesn't want anyone to know.
ch921017: MOM? MOM? I'm taking a bath, Calvin. Oh, OK, never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. It's ALWAYS something. So I've noticed.
Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands.
ch921018: Look at that kid's snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it, "The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing". As he melts, this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability.
Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.
ch921019: BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF Oh no, not AGAIN! Once this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping! GET IN HERE!
Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking.
ch921020: I wish it was winter. Well, it won't be for a while yet. Then I wish it was spring or summer. You don't like autumn? Oh, autumn is fine. It's the present I don't like.
Calvin wishes it was winter. Dad says it won't be for a while yet. Calvin then wishes it was spring or summer. Dad asks if he doesn't like autumn. Calvin says autumn is fine, it's the present he doesn't like.
ch921021: There really ought to be a fall olympics.
Calvin runs and jumps onto a pile of leaves. He says there ought to be a fall Olympics.
ch921022: It's a high price to pay, but nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
Hobbes is sleeping on the floor. Calvin runs up and blows on Hobbes' belly. Calvin, walking away with scratches all over, says that while it's a high price to pay, nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
ch921023: I said to go out LONG! Keep going! This is as far as you can throw the ball. THAT'S NOT TRUE! OK, I'll step closer. It'll be the last think you ever do, you flea feast? Oh yeah? Let's see if you fight as badly as you throw! I guess this is another incomplete. It's a good thing we don't have to fight some OTHER team!
Calvin is going to throw the football to Hobbes. Calvin tells him to go deep, but Hobbes says this is as far as Calvin can throw. Calvin denies that, so Hobbes offers to get closer. They threaten each other. After they've fought, Calvin guesses this is an incomplete. Hobbes thinks it's good they don't have to fight some other team.
ch921024: Where's the ball? I don't see it. You look over there and I'll look over here. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's HOW you play the game!
Hobbes looks for the football. They can't find it. Calvin suggests Hobbes look over there. Calvin takes off running with the football under his shirt. He says it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
ch921025: That's two outs! I should've stayed at second base. You've still got a snowman at third. I love a good game of speed sled base snow ball!
Hobbes looks for Calvin, who hides with the football behind a bush. They cross the stream. Calvin hides in the mailbox. Calvin hides in the sandbox. Running around a tree, Calvin says every sport should be played cross-country.
ch921026: I love recess! Two minutes ago, I was eating devilled ham, chocolate milk, grapes and ice cream. And now, I'm running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. It's the one time at school I get some solitude.
Calvin is on the school playground. He says he just ate deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream. He goes down the slide. He gets on the swing and says he's on a playground full of nausea-inducing motion devices. He hangs from some bars and says this is the one time at school he gets some solitude.
ch921027: Hey Susie, pick a number in the fortune teller. Um... three. One, two, three! Now pick a letter. "B". We lift up flap "B" and it says, "You're a mouth-breakthing bag of boogers!" AH HA HA HA HA HA! Life doesn't get much better than this.
Calvin has a paper fortune teller. He tells Susie to pick a number. He moves the paper device. Then she picks a letter. Calvin opens the flap to reveal Susie is a mouth-breathing bag of boogers. Calvin laughs. Calvin, lying on the ground beaten up, says life doesn't get much better than this.
ch921028: RRINNGGG. Didn't you hear the bell? Recess is over. It's time to go in. I'm not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission.
On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission.
ch921029: Susie, do you want to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards? After chewing almost $20 worth of gum, I've collected all the cards except numbers 8 and 34. I'll trade you any duplicate for either of those. I don't collect Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. It must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
Calvin asks if Susie wants to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. He says after chewing almost $20 worth of gum, He has all the cards except two. He offers to trade Susie for those two. Susie tells Calvin she doesn't collect Captain Napalm cards. Calvin walks away saying it must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
ch921030: OOF! Ackpth! Pbthp! That was a fumble! Aren't you going to get the ball? No, you can have it. It's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. Go on, take a running start.
Calvin runs with the football. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin gets up and says it's a fumble. He asks if Hobbes is going to get it. Hobbes tells him he can have it. Calvin says it's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win.
ch921031: It's third down and four to go...
Calvin kicks the football, which goes behind him. He passes the football, which falls inches away from him. He leaves the football and goes inside the house to watch it on television.
ch921101: My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Calvin is on his notebook paper. He's been doodling, so there's a tank for him to enter. The tank goes wherever Calvin wants. He shoots the school. Miss Wormwood tries to stop Calvin. He shoots again and again, but the shells have no effect. Miss Wormwood stands over Calvin's desk. She tells him to hand it over and see her after class. Calvin hands her his drawings and says the arts are the first to go in public schools.
ch921102: Here, Calvin, you got a letter in the mail. I did?? Gosh, I never get mail! I wonder who sent this. There's no return address! In its place there's a crude human skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. Maybe it's the IRS.
Mom hands Calvin a letter he got in the mail. Calvin wonders who sent it. He never gets mail. There's no return address, only a skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. He wonders if it's the IRS.
ch921103: Look, Hobbes, I got a mysterious letter! The return address is a skull with X-ed out eyes! It has a local postmark, though. So I must know the person. Oh boy, intrigue! But who would send me an anonymous, weird letter like this? Maybe a GIRL! GAAAA! Doesn't the post office SCREEN anything? I'll get you some gloves!
Calvin shows Hobbes the letter he received. He notices it has a local postmark and wonders who would send a weird letter like that. Hobbes wonders if it's from a girl. Calvin drops the letter in horror, wondering if the post office doesn't screen anything.
ch921104: If this is from a girl, we'll have to bury it real deep and disinfect my room. Hurry! Open it! Ugh, what if it's some mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters with the "I"s dotted with hearts?? I think I'd puke. No, it's cut and pasted letters from a magazine! Wow! No handwriting to trace! It says, "Coded message to follow. A-1, B-2, etc. Destroy this letter." Hobbes, we're dealing with a PRO!
Calvin isn't sure he wants to open the letter. It might be a mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters. He sees the note is cut and pasted letters from a magazine. Hobbes reads the letter. It contains instructions for a code and says a coded message will follow.
ch921105: Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres, untraceable cut-out letters, and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh, the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when I'll find out. It's a good thing you're the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom!
Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom.
ch921106: This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!
Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on.
ch921107: I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be "C". Next is 1. So that's "A". This is fun! Hey! This says, "Calvin is a porridge brain!" It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says "Calvin is a porridge brain". Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor.
ch921108: We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, "The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise."
Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes.
ch921109: Ooh, this burns me up! A coded message saying "Calvin is a porridge brain!" The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing, the cut and pasted letters, the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh, I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you, Calvin! How nice to get so much mail.
Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter.
ch921110: Look, Hobbes, the skull! It's another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says, "You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha." The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You don't LOOK like a baboon. OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP!
Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads "You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha". Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help.
ch921111: I can't sleep. Who's been sending me these insults? Where will it stop?! Am I going to get an insult in the mail every day for the rest of my life?? The thing that drives me crazy is that there's no way to trace this lunatic! He's thought of everything! He's a mastermind! Hey, who cut up this magazine?
Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it.
ch921112: Did I get another letter today? Yep! When you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. I don't write these! What are you talking about? Oh c'mon, Calvin. I know you've been putting these out for the mailman every day. Wait a minute! These are coming from OUR house?? Oh, and I want you to ASK before you cut up my magazines, OK? ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THAT MISERABLE BUNCH OF STRIPEY ORANGE FLEA BAIT?!?
Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is.
ch921113: So it was YOU the whole time! YOU'RE the one who's been sending me insults in the mail!! I'll get you for this! You and your sneaky codes and pasted letters and skull drawings! ... although, really, the skull drawings were pretty cool. You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
Calvin chases Hobbes. He says Hobbes has been sending the insults. He chases Hobbes around a tree. He stops. He admits the skull drawings were pretty cool. Hobbes says you can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
ch921114: You and I are through! I'll teach you to trick me, you big hairball! You just have no sense of humor! I do too! It's just that was a terrible, nasty, awful thing to do, and I'll never forgiv... huh? Heyyyy, you're right! It IS funny! Ha ha ha! ... OK! We're pals again! SUSIE: you smell! Ha ha!
Calvin and Hobbes fight. Calvin says he'll never forgive Hobbes. Hobbes whispers something to Calvin. They shake hands. Calvin says it's funny. They're pals again. Susie gets a message cut from magazines saying she smells.
ch921115: AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no, it's fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes, Mom.
Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic.
ch921116: ... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile, in the air there's a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU KNOW!
Calvin marches along singing a Christmas song. Mom kicks him outside. Calvin yells back that not thinking about it won't make it go away.
ch921117: Look, Hobbes, I got a paint by numbers kit! It's really fun. But you're not painting in the lines and not using the colors that correspond to the numbers. If I did THAT, I'd get the picture they show on the box! Ah.
Calvin has a paint-by-numbers kit. Hobbes points out that Calvin isn't painting in the lines and isn't using the colors that correspond to the numbers. Calvin looks at the kit. He says if he did that, he'd get the picture they show on the box.
ch921118: Well, your haircut is a big improvement. You LIKE what it says on the back of my head? What WHAT says? Didn't the barber shave "I may have a bad haricut, but you're downright ugly" back there? Good heavens, no! OK, CHARLIE, GIMME BACK THAT TIP!
Mom says Calvin's haircut is a big improvement. Calvin asks if she likes what is says on the back of his head. Mom asks what he means. Calvin asks if the barber didn't shave "I may have a bad haircut, buy you're downright ugly" onto his head. Mom says no. Calvin angrily asks the barber for his tip back.
ch921119: These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air, the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler, I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didn't appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever.
Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever.
ch921120: Hello? ... No, my Mom can't come to the phone right now. Sure, I'll be glad to take a message. You write it down, drive it over here, pay me five bucks, and I'll give it to her the next time I see her. He must not have wanted to talk to Mom very bad.
Calvin answers the phone. He says Mom can't come to the phone. He says he'll take a message. Calvin says the caller can write it down, drive it over to him, give him five bucks, and Calvin will pass it to Mom. As he walks off, Calvin says the person must not have wanted to talk to Mom very badly.
ch921121: I'm growing my fingernails long. Then I'll file them into points, so I'll have claws just like you. Mine are retractable. No retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no compound eyes, no fangs, no wings... SIGHHH...
Calvin tells Hobbes he's growing his fingernails. He'll file them, so he'll have claws like Hobbes. Hobbes says his are retractable. Calvin trudges off complaining about no retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no fangs. He sighs.
ch921122: How unoriginal! How hehune! Stupid kid. If you don't have anything to say, just keep quiet! Well, this is certainly shocking! Face it, kid, provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something significant! Look, pal, there's no point expressing ideas if you can't make them understood! You're just babbling to yourself! And aren't we all bored with the irony byy now?You just THINK you're above it all, kid! I tell you Hobbes, it's tough being the sole guardian of high culture. Talent like ours carries such enormous responsibility.
Calvin's home and opens his door. He sees Hobbes coming at him. He turns to run. Hobbes pounces on him. He flies into the air. He falls to the ground. He asks Hobbes if he's noticed how time slows down during a catastrophe. Hobbes sighs that good times are always over so fast.
ch921123: Can I learn to parachute out of an airplane? Why don't you just play "chicken" on the railroad tracks? It would be a cheaper way to toy with death, I'm sure. Mom's so practical.
Calvin asks Mom if he can parachute out of a plane. Mom wonders why he doesn't play "chicken" on the railroad tracks. It would be a cheaper way to toy with death. Calvin says Mom's so practical.
ch921124: This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this. It's a duck. I know! Who wants to draw a duck?! I sure didn't! They MADE me! I've been maninpualted! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some coprorate entity's crude idea of waterfowl! It's outrageous! Another blow to creative integrity. From now on, I'll connect the dots my OWN way.
Calvin is angry with his connect-the-dots book. Calvin complains he didn't want to draw the duck, the book made him. He feels manipulated. His talent has been used against his will. Hobbes laments another blow to creative integrity. Calvin says from now on, he'll connect the dots his own way.
ch921125: Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee.
ch921126: How do bank machines work, Dad? Well, let's say you wwant 25 dollars. You punch in the amount... and behind the machine, there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Sort of like the huy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Exactly.
Calvin asks Dad how bank machines work. Dad says you punch in the amount you want, and there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out the slot. Calvin asks if it's like the guy who lives in their garage and opens the door. Dad tells Calvin it's exactly like that.
ch921127: Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? You can present the material, but you can't make me care. Rumor has it she's up to two packs a day, unfiltered.
Calvin tells Miss Wormwood she can present the material, but she can't make him care. Later, on the swing, Calvin happily says rumor has Miss Wormwood up to two packs a day, unfiltered.
ch921128: I've noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after the more subtle, realistic bad guys? Yeah, the superhero coiuld attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff. Hmm... I think I see the problem. "Quick! To the bat fax!"
Calvin notices comic superheroes fight maniacs with plans to destroy the world. He wonders why they don't go after more realistic bad guys. Hobbes says the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor. Calvin sees the problem.
ch921129: UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation.
ch921130: UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!
Calvin asks if he can copy Susie's answers. She says no. She tells him he'd get a good grade without doing any work. Calvin wonders what's wrong with that. Susie tells him it's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. Calvin's never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.
ch921201: For "Show and Tell" today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime.
Calvin has nothing for "show and tell". Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime.
ch921202: Do you hate being a girl? It's gotta be better than the alternative. What's it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I must've put my finger on it.
Calvin asks Susie if she hates being a girl. Susie says it's better than the alternative. Calvin asks if it's like being a bug. Calvin thinks bugs and girls have a perception that nature played a trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend it. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin thinks he must have put his finger on it.
ch921203: I'm home! I'm free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally, some time to myself! Liberty, precious liberty! Ha ha ha!
Calvin rushes home from the school bus. He's got time to himself. He plans to enjoy his liberty. He sits and watches television.
ch921204: Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy. Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.
Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him.
ch921205: I like rocks. Here's a nice one. See how smoothit is? It probably took eons to get like that. It's a sedimentary rock, formed by sediment deposits, as opposed to, say, an igneous rock, which is volcanic in origin. You sure know a lot about rocks. You bet. Ballistic missiles from God, I call 'em.
Calvin picks up a rock and shows Hobbes. He explains it took eons to get smooth like that. He explains it's a sedimentary rock, as opposed to igneous. He explains the difference to Hobbes. Hobbes tells Calvin he knows a lot about rocks. Calvin calls them ballistic missiles from God.
ch921206: I'm going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday I'll write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
Calvin is pulled into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks at the stars.
ch921207: Wake up, get up... Shut up, listen up... Throw up... Mix up, goof up... Hurry up... How's your day? Looking up.
Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up.
ch921208: Dear Santa, This year, I don't want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky, don't you think?
Calvin writes to Santa saying he only wants love and peace for his fellow man. He doesn't want any gifts. He tells Hobbes it's reverse psychology. Hobbes asks if Calvin doesn't think it's risky. Calvin crumples the note and tosses it.
ch921209: Dear Santa, Why is your operation in the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been.
Calvin writes to Santa, asking why his operation is at the North Pole. He wonders if it's cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. He wonders if that's the example Santa wants to set. Calvin tells Hobbes he's trying to put Santa on the defensive before he considers how good Calvin has been.
ch921210: Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear "Smart" missile and a launcher. Instead, I got socks and a shirt. Obviously, you mixed up my order with someone else's. Let's get with the program, huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization.
Calvin writes that he wanted a missile and launcher last year, but he got socks and a shirt. He says Santa mixed up his order with someone else's. He asks Santa to get with the program. Calvin says that just because he gives stuff away free, Santa shouldn't get away with an incompetent organization.
ch921211: Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.
Calvin has a snowball. He wants to paste someone with it. He figures each snowball he throws will cost him one present from Santa. He looks at the snowball and says he wishes he knew if Santa was bringing him any underwear.
ch921212: Ski resorts use man-made snow. They have snow-making machines that can cover a whole hillsie. Hint hint. You can rely on the weather like every other kid.
Calvin tells Dad ski resorts use man-made snow. They have machines that can cover a hillside. Dad sits there. Calvin tells him "hint, hint". Dad says Calvin can rely on the weather like every other kid.
ch921213: You got something in the mail. It looks like a Valentine card. Huh? Open it up! It IS a valentine! Who would send me a valentine? Read it! Read it! "Roses are rd, violets are blue, tu-lips are what we'll be kissing, woo woo! Love, Susie." AAAUGGHH! Ho HO! Muchas smooches for el conKISStador! This can't be happening! It's all a nightmare! Some horrible hallucination! Susie loves Calvin! Calvin loves Susie! I've got to pull myself together! What can I DO? My natural studliness has overwhelmed Susie's fragile grip on reality! Big, sloppy smackers! Smmmrppp! Hey, there's Susie now! She's coming this way! Oh NO! Quick! A slushball! I need a slushball! Hi Cal... OOMP!! THAT'S what I think of your mushy Valentine card! POW! I didn't send you a Valentine card, you smelly, snot-nosed troll! Why on earth would I send a valentine to YOU?? You didn't? But... but... I'm telling! ... then who...?? Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... YOU!! You write that card! You tricked me!! Wheeeeee! Love makes the world go round! You're gonna see STARS go round, I promise!
Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at high speeds. Spiff discovers galaxies and planets not charted. He lands on worlds not explored, confronting species never encountered. He's a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown. Mom gives Calvin a plate of food. He cringes, saying he's never had it before and won't eat it.
ch921214: Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. It's a beautiful world, all right. Dad doesn't handle the season's stress very gracefully.
Dad sees Calvin watching another Christmas TV special. Dad says it's touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought by food, cola, and beer conglomerates. He walks away wondering who would have guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Calvin says Dad doesn't handle the stress of the season very gracefully.
ch921215: Dad, I'd like to have a little talk. Um, OK... As the wage earner here, it's your responsibiliy to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what's right for our country. I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
Calvin would like to have a talk with Dad. He tells Dad it's his responsibility to show consumer confidence and by things to get the economy going. Calvin gives Dad a list of big-ticket items he'd like for Christmas. Calvin hopes he can trust Dad to do what's right for the country. Dad says he has to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
ch921216: RRRRGGHHH. I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny EVERY time.
Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time.
ch921217: I'm having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You don't shop for anyone, you've got two weeks off from school, and your parents do all the cooking, cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave.
ch921218: OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day.
Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day.
ch921219: Oh man, Susie's right in range! It's a clear shot! I can't miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. It's not even noon. I'll do 'em after lunch. Look, doing ten good acts isn't going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area, don't you think? Don't expect to play with all MY presents when you don't get any.
Hiding behind a snowman, Calvin has a clear shot at Susie. Hobbes says he thought Calvin was going to do ten acts of good will a day. Calvin says he'll do them after lunch. Hobbes tells him doing good deeds isn't going to impress Santa if he does bad things all morning. Calvin wonders if grazing her jaw would be in a gray area. Hobbes tells Calvin not to expect to play with his toys when Calvin doesn't get any.
ch921220: My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. "Dear Calvin," it said, "I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa." ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it.
Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic.
ch921221: SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope.
Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope.
ch921222: Here! It's a comic book! It's MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free, and only touch the mylar bag, and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages, and try not to exhale too much moisture, OK?! Don't mess it up! THERE! That's one spontaneous act of good will! I hope you're satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!!
Calvin hands Hobbes a comic book. He says he can read it. Calvin tells him to be sure his hands are clean, and that he use sterilized tongs to turn the pages. Calvin proclaims one act of good will. Hobbes thinks spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant.
ch921223: Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom, I'm guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots, but I'm (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will, Santa! You'd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE 'EM ON!
Calvin eats his food, saying he guesses this is boiled guano on raw maggots. He declares another spontaneous act of good will. He says Santa better come through in spades for this. Mom asks if Calvin wants more maggots. He says to pile them on.
ch921224: One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! I'll bet Santa's loading up the sleigh right now! He's got millions of deliveries, right? He couldn't possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made, I don't have to impress him any more! I'm free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe he's loading your stuff last, just to see what you do. You think? Well, maybe. Geez, he's a tough ol' geezer! Well, what's one more day? ...sigh...
Calvin needs one more day of being good. He bets Santa's loading up the sleigh for deliveries. He couldn't be deciding how good Calvin is. Calvin figures if the decision is made, he doesn't have to impress him anymore. He's free to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what happens if he loads Calvin's stuff last to see what he does. Calvin figures one more day won't hurt.
ch921225: It's a certificate entitling the bearer to one day pounce-free of tiger attacks! Wow! Thanks, ol' buddy! You always think of the best gifts! I still think this could've waited until sunrise. Shh, take a picture.
On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture.
ch921226: The snow isn't deep enough for sledding. And it's not wet enough to pack, either. Sighhhh. Fortunately, I'm the stoic type. You're an inspiration to us all.
Calvin notices the snow isn't deep enough for sledding, not wet enough to pack. He sighs. He says fortunately, he's the stoic type. Hobbes says he's an inspiration to us all.
ch921227: Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy, but at least it's familiar. I hate change! It's too disruptive! When things are difference, you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same, so I can take everything for granted! Besides, things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live, the more complicated everything gets! I say let's stop here before life gets any harder! From now on, no more change! I'm bored. Let's do something different. SOME things don't change.
Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit.
ch921228: You know, it's amazing how many things can be taken apart with just one ordinary screwdriver! Such as? Well, just for starters, there's... that is, hypothetically, I mean... not that I'd know for a fact, of course... just in theory, I imagine that maybe... um, well, gosh, it's hard to say. I've GOT to stop introducing topics of conversation.
Calvin tells Dad it's amazing how many things you can take apart with a screwdriver. Dad asks what kind of things. Calvin starts to talk, but says it's hypothetical. He doesn't know for a fact. It's hard to say. He walks off wiping his brow. He says he's got to stop introducing topics of conversation.
ch921229: You know what the problem is with the universe? Um... There's no toll-free customer service hot line for complaints! That's why things don't get fixed! If the universe had any decent management, we'd get a full refund if we weren't completely satisfied! But the place is free! See, that's another thing. They should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
Calvin says the problem with the universe is that there are no toll-free hot line numbers for complaints. If the universe had decent management, they'd get a full refund if they weren't completely satisfied. Hobbes says the place is free. Calvin says they should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
ch921230: Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface, and I'll fill it full of nails! Um, no... You sure? I've got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! I'd be happy to do it! No thanks, not today. OK, well, let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed?
Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it.
ch921231: People always seem so crabby and animals always seem so content. I wonder why that is. It's probably because animals know they're superior and people know they're inferior. I figured it was because animals get 15 hours of sleep every day. Actually, I think animals are just as crabby as people are.
Calvin wonders why people always seem so crabby and animals seem so content. Hobbes suggests it's because animals know they're superior. Calvin thought it was because animals got 15 hours of sleep every day. Hiding up in a tree, Calvin says he thinks animals are just as crabby as people are.
Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995