Calvin and Hobbes: 1991

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch910101: *GASP* I (pant, pant) MADE it! *GASP* What's with you? I thought you were out building a snowman. I did (pant, pant), but I brought him to life (pant, pant) and now he's after me! I barely escaped! Uh huh. Lookout the window! He's probably lurching around the yard! Good heavens, you build a snowman right on the front step?! How are we going to get out the door?! AUGHH! He's looking in! he knows where I live!!
Calvin runs inside, gasping for air. Calvin tells Mom he built the snowman, but then he brought it to life. Now, the snowman is after Calvin. Calvin tells Mom to look out the window. Mom looks and sees the snowman on the front step. She asks how they'll get out the door. Horrified, Calvin says he's looking in and now knows where he lives.

ch910102: You brought a snowman to LIFE?? I didn't think he'd be evil! What are we going to do? I dunno, but we've got to get rid of him somehow. Maybe we could lure him inside and he'd melt! It would take him HOURS, and if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor. Hmm... how did they finally kill "Frosty"? Beats me. Now I wish I'd watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
Calvin and Hobbes hide behind a tree. Calvin didn't know the snowman he brought to life would be evil. He knows they have to get rid of it. Hobbes suggests luring him inside so he'd melt. Calvin rejects that idea. It would take hours, it might kill Mom, and if it didn't, Mom would have a fit about the water on the floor. Hobbes asks how they finally killed "Frosty". Calvin wishes he'd watched that show. He suggests maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.

ch910103: Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look, it's given him an idea! He's packing more snow onto himself! He's making himself bigger! Oh NO!
Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger.

ch910104: He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!
The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon.

ch910105: The snow goon is lumbering off toward the front yard! Let's cut around the house and build a fort! What do you suppose it's going to do? I don't know, but whatever it is, we're going to need protection! Calvin, that snowman out front is hideous. Why can't you make a NORMAL snowman? I tried, Dad. I tried.
The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried.

ch910106: You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him.

ch910107: This will be the strongest snow fort ever built! Ughh ngghh rghh mnhg UNNHH. There! We're safe from that snow goon NOW! I wonder why we haven't seen him for a while.
Calvin and Hobbes are building their snow fort. The snow goon makes another snow goon. Calvin, in their snow fort, says they're safe now. Hobbes wonders why they haven't seen him for awhile.

ch910108: Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. I'll say! The walls are two feet thick and we've got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? There's a snow goon running loose! If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. This could get ugly. What's a snow goon? It's like a snow man, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster. Oh, is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean, "all those"?
Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon is. Calvin explains it's like a snowman, but it's an evil, grotesque, demented monster. She asks if that's what all those ugly things in the yard are. Calvin asks what she means by "all those".

ch910109: Look, a NEW snow goon! That's not the one I made! The original snow goon must be making his OWN snow goons! OH NO! I'll bet he's making an army! In a few days, he could build a hundred snow goons! If each of THEM build ANOTHER hundred, and then THOSE all build a hundred MORE, why... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't out to kill me. I vote we make tracks for Florida.
There's a new snow goon, but it's not one Calvin made. He says the original snow goon must be making his own. Calvin fears he's making a snow goon army. He speculates how many there would be if the original made a hundred snow goons, then each of them makes their own goons. Calvin thinks that would be cool, if they weren't out to kill him. Hobbes suggests making tracks for Florida.

ch910110: Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water.

ch910111: Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell.

ch910112: The snow goons aren't moving! They're asleep! Now's our chance to go bump 'em off! We can't go outside NOW! It's 10 o'clock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. We'll have to wait at least an hour.
At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour.

ch910113: Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces.

ch910114: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON, DIE!
Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying "Shh" to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying "Shh" to each other. They leave the house, saying "Shh" to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die.

ch910115: More water, Hobbes! We'll freeze the snow goons right where they snooze! Die! Die! Let out more hose! Ha ha! These monsters will be popsicles through July! There! We got 'em all! I'll spray a little extra water around, just to make sure everything's absolutely frozen. Psst, Calvin! Your parents' light is on! I think your Dad's coming! Uh oh! Maybe I should get HIM with the hose, too.
Calvin is spraying water over the snow goons. He says he'll freeze them where they snooze. He walks through the yard spraying water all over. He covers all the snow goons, then sprays some more water around to be sure everything's frozen. Hobbes notices Mom and Dad's light is on. He tells Calvin that he thinks Dad is coming. Calvin wonders if he should spray Dad, also.

ch910116: That IS Calvin! He's outside with the garden hose! It's after midnight! What do we have to do, CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARD'S ICE! Run, Hobbes! Dad's a snow goon too!
Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too.

ch910117: Dad, don't kill me! I can explain this! Help! Help! Snow goons! I froze 'em! They were going to GET me, so I had to get them first! Ask Hobbes! Calvin, it is after midnight. Believe me, we will discuss this VERY thoroughly tomorrow. You get into bed this instant. Like I'm going to get any sleep NOW.
Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now.

ch910118: See?? See the snow goons? I didn't make them! I mean, I made ONE, sort of by accident, but the rest made themselves! They were building an army, see? See, that's why I had to freeze them last night! I had to get 'em while they were sleeping! It was my only chance, see? See, it all makes sense! See? See?? They never see.
Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see.

ch910119: Well, Hobbes, I guess there's a moral to all this. What's that? Snow Goons are bad news. That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
As the snow goons melt, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a moral to all this. He says "snow goons are bad news". Hobbes says that lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. Calvin tells him he likes maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.

ch910120: What do you know about love, Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? I'm not telling. WHY NOT? It's a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? I'M sophisticated! Why won't you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you won't tell me what it is! Maybe when you're older. When I'm OLDER?! Why can't you tell me now?! Some things you wouldn't understand. Ha! I bet you don't know ANYthing about love! THAT's why you won't tell me!! If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look, just give me a hint, OK? One hint, c'mon! OK, here! "Snoogy-woogy wips". EWW See? I told you you weren't old enough.
Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him.

ch910121: You have to admit it's slowed down the traffic on our road.
There is a snowman with a hole shot in him from a cannon behind. There is a snowman with a shovel, looking at the ground where the head of another snowman lies. Calvin has another snowman on a chair with a noose around its neck. Looking out the kitchen window, Dad tells Mom that she has to admit it's slowed down the traffic on their road.

ch910122: CALVIN!
Calvin has shoveled the front steps of the house. He has also shoveled a meandering path around the yard, going around trees, before heading toward the driveway. Dad, standing on the steps wanting to get to the car in the driveway, yells at Calvin for not just shoveling the sidewalk over to the driveway.

ch910123: Any luck? I'm so disappointed. HEY JET PILOTS! DO A BARREL ROLL!
Calvin is walking in the snow, clearing a path. He jumps over to start another path. He starts still another. Hobbes asks if he's had any luck. Calvin says he's so disappointed. In the snow, Calvin has made a message to jet pilots to do a barrel roll.

ch910124: WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who, me? Who, ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who, me???
WHAP! Susie gets hit in the back of the head with a snowball. She angrily asks Calvin if he threw that. Calvin points to himself and asks "Who, me". Calvin lies in the snow. At home, he stands in front of a mirror practicing saying "Who, me" to sound more convincing next time.

ch910125: If we go fast enough and pull up just as we hit those rocks, we might, if we're lucky, clear the ravine and have the ride of our lives! On the other hand, if we miss, we'll probably spend our few remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids! It's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat! There's no middle ground! OK, there IS a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.
Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan at the top of the hill. Calvin speculates that if they go fast enough and pull up just as they hit the rocks, they might clear the ravine and have the ride of their lives. He goes on to say if they miss, they'll spend their remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids. He raises his fist and says it's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat. There is no middle ground. Later, inside the house, Hobbes is lying in front of the fireplace reading a comic book. Calvin walks up to him and admits there is a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.

ch910126: No text
Calvin throws a snowball. Hobbes walks over to Calvin while brushing off snow from his shoulder. Calvin looks worried. Hobbes puts Calvin on the ground. Calvin is stuck, rolled up in the middle of a big snowball.

ch910127: When are we going to get there? Can't you drive any faster?? I don't like to go much faster than this. Can I drive, then? I'll bet I could go REAL fast! Hmm... well, OK, sure. I'll pull over. Don't worry about a thing, Dad! Which pedal is the clutch? The left one. Then brake, then gas. Here we go! Hang on! Ooh, this IS faster! Blow the horn! Make everyone get out of our way! Wheeee! We're airborne! We should've done this sooner! We'll get there in no time now! I wonder how fast we're going. Can't say. We broke the speedometer. This is the only way to travel. We're passing that jet! Way to go, Calvin! I LIKE driving! ..SIGHHH.. How much longer NOW? I told you we'll get there when we get there.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the sled at the top of Mount Maim. Calvin says he likes to experience life to the fullest. He likes to stare death in the eye and make him blink. He looks back at Hobbes and asks him if he thinks he's right. Hobbes tells him real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa. They sit on the sled. Next, we see them sitting by the fireplace, slurping from their mugs of cocoa.

ch910128: C'mon, Calvin! Get up or you'll be late for school. Today my SPIRIT is going to school while my body stays in bed. Now my spirit is in bed.
Calvin is still in bed when Mom tells him to get up or he'll be late for school. Calvin sits up and informs Mom that his spirit is going to school while his body stays in bed. Later, Calvin is tossed out the door. Standing on the corner, Calvin grumpily says now his spirit is in bed.

ch910129: Jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump! I win! You've only won in the outward manifestation of this game. My SPIRIT is still unvanquished. That's 165 straight games you've lost. My spirit is kicking the spirit of your checkers clear across the room.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes jumps several of Calvin's pieces and wins. Calvin informs Hobbes he has only won the outward manifestation of the game. His spirit is still unvanquished. Hobbes tells him he's lost 165 straight games. Calvin tells Hobbes his spirit is kicking the spirit of Hobbes' checkers clear across the room.

ch910130: Who would like to summarize what we just read? Calvin? How about you? Sorry! I'm here against my will. I refuse to cooperate. They can transport my BODY to school, but they can't chain my SPIRIT! My spirit roams free! Walls can't confine it! Laws can't restrain it! Authority has no power over it! Calvin, if you'd put half the energy of your protests into your schoolwork... You can try to leave a message, but my spirit screens its calls.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin would like to summarize what they read in class. Calvin declines, saying he's here against his will. He refuses to cooperate. He shakes his fist and says they can transport his body to school, but they can't chain his spirit. Walls can't confine it, laws can't restrain it, authority has no power over it. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin that if he put half the energy into his protests into his schoolwork... Calvin interrupts her by saying she can try to leave a message, but his spirit screens its calls.

ch910131: Time for bed, Calvin. You can put my body to bed, but my spirit's going to stay right here, so why bother? Why shouldn't I just stay up? Because the body is the home of the spirit, and if you're not in bed in two minutes, your spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Home sweet home.
Dad tells Calvin it's time for bed. Calvin tells him he can put his body to bed, but his spirit's going to stay playing. He asks Dad why he shouldn't just stay up. Dad explains that the body is the home of the spirit, and if he's not in bed in two minutes, his spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Calvin, in bed, says "home sweet home".

ch910201: There ought to be a law against having school on days when there's enough snow to play in. Of course, I don't think there should be school in FALL either... and summer's out altready... and then there's spring... I guess I'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. By second grade, you'd be packing your lunch box with denture cleaners. And before I got to third grade, I could reture.
Standing on the corner, waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes there ought to be a law against having school on days there is enough snow to play in. Calvin goes on to say he doesn't think there should be school in the fall, either. Summer's out already, then there is spring. Calvin guesses he'd go to school a day in November and a day in March. Hobbes says that by second grade, he'd be packing his lunch box with denture cleaners. Calvin finishes the thought by saying before he got to third grade, he could retire.

ch910202: Here comes the giant ship! AHWOOOOOO! AHWOOOOO! But what's this?! He's going full speed through the dangerous strait! The oil tanker crashed, Mom. You poured INK in the bath water??
In the bathtub, Calvin plays with a toy ship. He says the ship is going full speed through the dangerous strait. He gets out of the tub and runs out of the bathroom. He comes back with something in his hand. Later, Mom is horrified to see that Calvin has poured ink in the bath water. Calvin tells her the oil tanker crashed.

ch910203: No text
Calvin's world suddenly has no hue, value, or chroma. He asks if the photoreceptors in his eyes have stopped working, or has the fundamental nature of light changed. Perhaps something has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum. As he walks, he wonders if objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths. Whatever the case, it's clear to Calvin that there's no point in discussing things with Dad. Dad tells Calvin that his problem is, Calvin sees everything in terms of black and white. Calvin angrily replies sometimes that's the way things are.

ch910204: Look what I made, Hobbes. What is it? What IS it? Why, it's a huge bird foot. I'm going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two-ton chickadee walked by. I guess time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. He's just jealous because I accomplish so much more than he does.
Calvin shows Hobbes a bird foot he made. He tells Hobbes he's going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two ton chickadee walked by. Hobbes suggests time weighs more heavily on some people's hands than others'. As Calvin presses the bird foot into the snow, he says Hobbes is just jealous because he accomplishes so much more than Hobbes.

ch910205: Hey Dad, you know how you wanted me to shovel the driveway? Well I thought up a BETTER idea! I'll shovel and pack the snow into a big ramp! You can get in the car, rev up to near red line, throw out the clutch, leave a patch of multen rubber out the garage, and zoom up the ramp! Then we could line barrells and stuff down the driveway and see how many you could clear! Wouldn't that be great?? I don't see why some people even HAVE cars.
Calvin tells Dad he has a better idea for shoveling the driveway. He'll pack the snow into a big ramp. Then Dad can rev up the car, throw out the clutch, and leave a patch of molten rubber in the garage, then zoom up the ramp. Calvin will have barrels down the driveway to see how many Dad can clear. He thinks that would be great. Apparently, Dad doesn't. Calvin walks through the snow, shovel over his shoulder, not knowing why some people even have cars.

ch910206: AUGHHH! A SNOW SNAKE'S GOT ME! Horrible inner teeth on its separately moving upper jaw bones are pulling me down its frigid gullet! Run for your life! At least I HAVE a life... unlike some weirdos I know. I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'D feel hostile too.
Calvin is lying inside the mouth of a snow snake. Susie is walking by. Calvin tells her about the horrible inner teeth pulling him into the snake's frigid gullet. He tells Susie to run for her life. Susie walks away saying she, at least, has a life...unlike some weirdos she knows. Later, Calvin stands next to the snow snake saying that if he had two x chromosomes, he'd feel hostile, too.

ch910207: No one ELSE at office talks about this kind of thing.
Dad pulls the car into the driveway to see several snowmen standing in the yard near the driveway. The snowmen are carrying signs saying "Later bedtimes, fewer baths", "Egad, bad Dad", "Calvin's Dad unfair", and "Too strict". Dad says no one else at the office talks about this kind of thing.

ch910208: I like sledding DOWN hills. But I hate having to climb back up! It's too much work! It's boring! It's slow! I know! I'll sit on the sled and you PULL me up, OK? Run as fast as you can, and zigzag around trees and stuff! Even my FRIENDS don't do what I want.
Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to sled down hills, but he hates having to climb back up. He says it's too boring and slow. Calvin suggests he sit on the sled and have Hobbes pull him up the hill. Hobbes would run as fast as he could, zigzagging around trees. Hobbes walks off, leaving Calvin to lament not even his friends do what he wants.

ch910209: Calvin's been outside building something since early this morning. I can't tell what it is. Can you? It doesn't look like anything from here.
Calvin is making something in the snow. It looks like a raised zigzag pattern. Mom and Dad look out from the window at Calvin, saying he's been working on it since early that morning. They can't tell what it is. From the window, it doesn't look like anything. From above, we see that Calvin has been making an image of a monster getting ready to bite down on the house.

ch910210: ... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later, Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee, what fun! I'm glad you could come home so early! C'mon ol' buddy! Let's go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!
In rhyme, Calvin is lying in the snow, making an angel. He sees a UFO. The aliens snag Calvin with a hook on his overcoat and hoist him aboard. He tries to fight away, but it's no use. The tie him up and wired his cranium to a suction cup. Current courses across his cerebellum, coaxing things from his brain tissue he wouldn't tell them. All the math he ever learned were removed in this operation. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood his escape was an adventure, but suffice to say, he cannot add, so she should ask some other kid.

ch910211: There's Susie! Heh heh! Watch me knock her fillings loose! YAAA! PIFF You know, I THOUGHT Earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. I guess that explains how you spilled your oatmeal down the heater this morning.
Calvin prepares a snowball to throw at Susie. He tells Hobbes to watch him knock her fillings loose. Calvin throws the snowball. PIFF! It falls a couple feet away. They look at the fallen snowball. Calvin tells Hobbes he thought earth's gravity felt exceptionally strong today. Hobbes figures that explains why Calvin spilled his oatmeal down the heater that morning.

ch910212: Obviously I can't throw snowballs at Susie when Earth's gravity has increased. THIS is a job for... ...for? Mom must've put my cape in the wrong drawer!
Calvin and Hobbes are still looking at the snowball. Calvin says he can't throw snowballs at Susie if the earth's gravity has increased. Calvin says "This is a job for..." and runs off. Hobbes stands puzzled. Hobbes goes back inside the house to see Calvin rummaging through his dresser drawers. He has his Stupendous Man cowl on. As he tosses clothes aside, he says Mom must have put his cape in the wrong drawer.

ch910213: So who is this a job for? STUPENDOUS MAN! Mmf! Ghh! Super heroes wear snow pants? When there's snow out, they do! This looks like a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Well of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching me!
Hobbes asks Calvin who this is a job for. Calvin replies "Stupendous Man". Calvin struggles with his pants. Hobbes asks if super heroes wear snow pants. Calvin angrily replies they do when there's snow out. Calvin is on his back, trying to get his pants on. Hobbes looks down on him and says this looks like a real job for Stupendous Man. Calvin tells Hobbes of course the zipper's going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching him.

ch910214: Earth's excessive gravity is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous strength! With muscules of magnitude, the masked man of might rolls a gigantic snowball... and flies it high into the stratosphere... where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend ANNOYING GIRL!
Earth's excessive gravity is no match for Stupendous Man's strength. The masked man of might makes a gigantic snowball, flies high into the stratosphere, where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend, Annoying Girl. Susie is walking down the sidewalk.

ch910215: From high in the sky, STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earth's strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished, the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin, Susie's Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
Stupendous Man drops the snowball, taking advantage of earth's strong gravity. Susie lies on the sidewalk, covered with the snowball. Stupendous Man, sitting on a tree branch above, triumphs. He zooms back to resume his secret identity. Entering the bedroom, Hobbes asks Calvin if he saved the day. Calvin tells him justice reigns once more. From downstairs, one of Calvin's parents yells up that Susie's Mom just called. Calvin is going to be talked to.

ch910216: Susie's Mom says you dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. It couldn't have been ME! I'm very mild mannered. She described exactly the hood and cape I made you. Why, it must've been STUPENDOUS MAN, defender of liberty and justice! I'm sure Susie deserved whatever she got. Listen to me. You could hurt someone that way, and if I ever hear of anything like this again, I'll take away your costume for good, got it? Hmm, this sounds like ANOTHER job for Stupendous Man! Actually, it doesn't sound like QUITE his type of job.
Mom is talking to Calvin. She says Susie's mom said Calvin dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. Calvin says it couldn't have been him. He's mild-mannered. Mom crosses her arms and says Susie's mom described the hood and cape she made for Calvin. Calvin says it must have been Stupendous Man, and that Susie probably deserved whatever she got. Mom tells him he could hurt someone that way, and that if she ever hears of anything like this again, she'll take away his costume for good. Hobbes says this sounds like another job for Stupendous Man. Calvin says it actually doesn't sound like quite his type of job.

ch910217: Z
Riding on their toboggan, Calvin tells Hobbes he watched a nature program on TV last night. Then, he asked Dad if life was nothing more than trying to survive long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Hobbes asks what Dad said. Calvin replies Dad looked at him a minute, then said he didn't know about the rest of it, but thought the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. They slide along, then Calvin says he's noticed in those programs how young males often leave the herd at an early age. Hobbes replies that he thinks it's good that everyone becomes food.

ch910218: Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems? I think grown-ups just ACT like they know what they're doing.
Calvin asks Dad how soldiers killing each other solves the world's problems. Dad sits there looking. He keeps sitting and looking. Calvin walks off saying he thinks grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.

ch910219: Hi honey! How was school? I got stuck in my snow pants. Uh oh. What happened? Well, the zipper got covered with ice, so I tried to force it. Then my mitten got caught and jammed the zipper. I tried to PULL my snow pants off, but I forgot to take my boots off first, so THOSE got stuck, and then the pants got all twisted, so I fell over, and finally the teacher had to call two custodians to get me out! So I want to be sure to wear them again tomorrow.
Mom asks how Calvin's day went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his snow pants. He says the zipper got covered with ice, he tried to force it, but his mitten got caught. He then tried to take his snow pants off, but he hadn't taken his boots off first. Then the pants got twisted, he fell over, and the teacher had to call two custodians to get him out. He tells Mom he wants to wear them again tomorrow.

ch910220: Look, I've got some modelling clay! What are you making? This is a hoof. A hoof? Right! This will be a life-size equestrian statue of me! A new horseman of the apocalypse, hmm? I think I'm going to need more clay.
Calvin has some modeling clay. Hobbes asks what he's making. Calvin replies it's a hoof. He tells Hobbes it's going to be a life-size equestrian statue of him. Hobbes asks if it will be a new horseman of the apocalypse. Calvin is sure he's going to need more clay.

ch910221: My essay is entitled "After school at my house". ...ahem... "It's not that I MIND being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and they..." What, Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything.
Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay "After School At My House". He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything.

ch910222: SSS SNAP FSST POP! SNARRL YOWP GRR FSSSSS PSSSTSS GRR That's why I'M way over HERE.
Hobbes is sleeping in front of the fireplace. Suddenly, the wood in the fireplace pops. Hobbes is startled. He spins around, snarling and scratching. Hobbes angrily looks back at the fireplace. Calvin, lying on the sofa reading a book, says that's why he's way over there.

ch910223: MOMM! MOM! What's the matter?? What's wrong? Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!! He says the first kiss didn't take. Hmph. I don't think THAT one took either. Oh go to sleep.
In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep.

ch910224: Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, "I'm home." Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.

ch910225: AUGH! Who did this? The Dame's scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs, but it meant I had a case, and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to my ears any day. After all, I'm not an opera critic. I'm a private eye.
Mom sees a night stand dumped over with a broken lamp. She yells "Who did this". In his office, Tracer Bullet hears Mom's yell. He knows he has a case. He says the sound of greenbacks slapping across his palms is music to his ears. He's not an opera critic, he's a private eye.

ch910226: I keep two magnum's in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop. It's a tough job, but then, I'm a tough guy. Some people don't like an audience when they work. Enough of them have told me so with blunt instruments that I'm a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, my bookie, and Bill, my probation officer. So when a tall brunette opened my door with a case for me, my heart did a few calisthenics and I took the job.
Tracer Bullet keeps two magnums in his desk. One is a gun he keeps loaded, the other a bottle that keeps him loaded. He's a tough guy who people don't want around when they work. They've told him so with blunt instruments. He's a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, his bookie, and Bill, his probation officer. When the tall brunette opened the door with a case for him (Mom coming into his bedroom fuming), his heart did some calisthenics and took the job.

ch910227: The dame said she had a case. She sounded like a case herself, but I can't choose my clients. She was the pushy type, the kind who'd break your heart, or maybe your arms. I hurried over. Either she had a psychotic decorator, or her place had been ransacked by someone in a big hurry. WELL?! How do you explain this? The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are.
Tracer says the dame had a case. She was the pushy type. She'd break your heart, or your arms. Mom scoots Calvin to the broken lamp. Tracer looks at the damage and figures she either has a psychotic decorator or someone ransacked the place in a big hurry. Mom asks how Calvin can explain the damage. Calvin thinks the dame was hysterical. They usually are.

ch910228: What have you got to say for yourself? Don't touch anything. I'm looking for clues. The click of a hammer being cocked behind my head focused my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. The dame had set me up! She didn't want me to solve the case at all! She just wanted a patsy to pin the crime on! Well? I didn't like the way this story was shaping up, so I decided to write a new ending with my .45 automatic as co-author.
Mom asks Calvin what he has to say for himself. Calvin tells Mom he's looking for clues. Tracer realizes it's all a set up. The dame wanted a patsy to pin the crime on. Calvin thinks he doesn't like the way this story is shaping up, so he's decided to write a new ending with his .45 automatic as coauthor.

ch910301: I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments, while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. You're in REAL trouble NOW, young man!!
Tracer introduces the dame to his friend, his gun. His friend is an eloquent speaker. Tracer fires three times, and he leaves the room. Mom has three suction darts on the wall behind her. She rolls up her sleeves. She tells Calvin he's in real trouble now. Calvin runs off.

ch910302: I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh?
Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside.

ch910303: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary.
Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet. There is no vegetation. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color. A huge mountain rises out of the plain. Our hero pulls up. Spiff discovers it's not a mountain at all. The whole landscape is bedding for a horrendous monster. Dad sleepily looks to see what time it is. Calvin, next to Dad in bed, says the creature appears hostile. Our hero readies a hydro bomb. Calvin has a glass of water poised to douse Dad.

ch910304: What's up today? Nothing so far. "So far"? Well, you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that.
Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies "Nothing so far". When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that.

ch910305: I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE don't ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold, uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant, your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me I'm adopted.
Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted.

ch910306: You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this.

ch910307: An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans don't HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WE'RE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great, how come they don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs, or nuclear... um... reactors, or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy, talk about agility! Hmph.
Hobbes cheerfully tells Calvin a cheetah can run over 60 miles per hour. He says a human can hardly do a quarter of that. Calvin replies that humans don't need to be that fast because they're smarter. Calvin goes on to ask Hobbes why cats don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs. He stops. Hobbes happily continues by saying cats see six times better than humans. Calvin grumpily kicks a rock.

ch910308: AUGHH The thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. OH, I'M REAL SORRY!
Calvin is walking along when he suddenly looks back, horrified. He runs as fast as he can. Hobbes is in the air, ready to pounce on Calvin. Afterward, Hobbes brushes dust off his fur complaining the thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. Calvin, lying upside down on the ground, says that he's real sorry.

ch910309: Ha! I landed on chance. I get to take a card! Oh no! It says, "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverse assets into your account. Collect $5,000." I think I'll buy a few dozen hotels. Ooh, you just wait till I land on chance! Monopoly is more fun when you make your own chance cards.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Monopoly. Hobbes lands on Chance. Hobbes reads "Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverts assets to your account. Collect $5000". Hobbes thinks he'll buy a few dozen hotels. Calvin tells him to wait until he lands on Chance. Calvin says Monopoly is more fun when you make your own Chance cards.

ch910310: Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! What's gone wrong? He's a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes don't even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And what's this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvin's hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesn't even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They aren't the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee, it was getting pretty goot at the end.
Calvin walks by the stream. He looks at the waterfall. It's now raining. A fire truck pulls up, and the fireman sprays Calvin with the water hose. Calvin is rolling on giant water waves. Calvin wakes up with a start. He runs into the bathroom.

ch910311: BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse me.
Calvin has a paddle-ball toy. He hits the ball a few times, then stops. The ball hangs down on the rubber band. He says he resents the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse him.

ch910312: Hey Dad, Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didn't have guns, people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him that's not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter, you chiseler.
Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made.

ch910313: BU-URRPP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AUTHOR! AUTHOR! ENCORE! Philistines.
At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying "Author! Encore!". Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines.

ch910314: I'm not going to school today. Oh, you're not? Nope! I'm staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed.
Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed.

ch910315: Today for show and tell I brought one of my own patent pending inventions! I have in my hand an invisible cretinizer! One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron! OH SURE, CALVIN! GIVE US A BREAK! As Ronald proves, it's quite effective even at long range. HEY!
For show and tell, Calvin has one of his patent pending inventions. It's an invisible cretinizer. One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron. From the back of the room, one of the kids yells for Calvin to give them a break. Calvin continues by saying as Ronald proves, it's quite effective, even at long range.

ch910316: Find any dinosaur bones yet? Nope. I wish we lived in the badlands of Montana. It's easier there because erosion often exposes the bones. HERE though, you just have to start digging and hope for the best. Hence the systematic approach, hmm? Right. I guess I'll have to move that sapling.
Calvin is digging a hole, when Hobbes asks if he's found any dinosaur bones yet. Calvin says nope. He wishes they lived in the badlands of Montana. He says it's easier there, because erosion often exposes the bones. Calvin starts digging again, while saying here, you start digging and hope for the best. From above, we see Calvin has dug several holes in the yard. Hobbes asks if that's why he's using the systematic approach. Calvin says yes. He guesses he'll have to move a sapling.

ch910317: Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough, do you? FINE! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WE'LL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! C'MON. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think I'll take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHAT'S WITH THE HAIL?! THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! What's going with you?! Ow! Ow! I'm going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! I'll bet there's an explanation for this, and I'll bet I don't want to hear it. The universe has an attitude, Mom!
Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.

ch910318: Well, look at you! Don't you look nice and neat! Yes, I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which, I'd better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
Calvin walks by Mom. Mom comments on how nice and neat he looks. Calvin says he believes in the importance of good grooming. He says he better get in the tub if he wants to be in bed on time. Mom is stunned. She yells after him "Just what are you up to".

ch910319: I heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! There's no mess anywhere! And you're already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight, so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks, Mom.
Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book.

ch910320: Good morning, Mom. You're up and dressed? I didn't even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. And with the extra time, I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. I'm bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Don't get up. I'll fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes?
Calvin wishes Mom a good morning. She is shocked to see him up and dressed. She hadn't called him. Calvin says he likes to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. With the extra time, he can review his assignments and be better prepared for class. Mom says she's bracing herself for when the other shoe drops. Calvin tells her not to get up. He'll fix his own breakfast. He asks if they have any prunes.

ch910321: I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! I'm off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. I'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I can't believe your Mom thinks that's you.
Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin.

ch910322: I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one.

ch910323: Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!
Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him.

ch910324: I never get to do anything REALLY fun. If you're bored, go clean your room.
There is a paw. Calvin sits in the distance, reading a comic book. There is the top of a tiger's back. Calvin is closer, still reading. There is a top view of a tiger's body. Calvin is closer, still reading. A tiger is crouching. Calvin turns around to see Hobbes with fangs bared. Calvin is horrified, and he yells. He clutches Mom's shoulder, while she tells Dad the comic books he reads are too grim. Dad says to look at Calvin twitch. Hobbes is on the floor beneath them.

ch910325: When you're done putting my toys away, you can get to work on my math assignment. OK. Isn't this the life? We get to do whatever we want while goody-two-shoes here does all the work! He doesn't even complain! Virtue is its own reward. He doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness sure gets on my nerves.
Calvin tells his duplicate that when he's done putting his toys away, he can get to work on Calvin's math assignment. Calvin says they get to do whatever they want, while goody-two-shoes does all the work. He doesn't even complain. The duplicate says "Virtue is its own reward". Reading his comic, Calvin says he doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness gets on his nerves.

ch910326: Hello, may I carry your books for you? Why? So you can throw them in a puddle or something? Forget it! I wouldn't do that! Yeah, you'd probably do something WORSE! You're not touching my books, Calvin! Strictly speaking, I'm not Calvin. I'm the physical manifestation of Calvin's GOOD side. If that was true, you'd be a lot smaller. Boy, have I heard THAT joke a lot. And if you think you can get my books by acting even weirder than usual, think again!
The duplicate asks Susie if he can carry her books. She asks if he's going to throw them into a puddle. The duplicate says he wouldn't do that. Susie says he'd probably do something worse. She says he's not going to touch her books. The duplicate informs her that strictly speaking, he's not Calvin. He's the physical manifestation of Calvin's good side. Susie says if that was true, he'd be a lot smaller. The duplicate says he's heard that joke a lot.

ch910327: Say, Calvin, that nice girl down the street seems to think you're a total jerk. Who, Susie? You weren't talking to Susie, were you? Yes. I offered to carry her books and she... YOU DID WHAT?! She clearly doesn't trust you at all. Oh, man! Nobody SAW you, did they?! They'll think it was ME! You want to make it look like I LIKE her?! She seemed upset, so this afternoon I took her some flowers I picked, but... AUGHH! AUGHH! AUGHH!
The duplicate tells Calvin the nice girl down the street thinks Calvin is a total jerk. The duplicate says he offered to carry her books. Calvin can't believe it. The duplicate says she doesn't trust Calvin at all. Calvin grabs the duplicate and asks if anyone saw him. Calvin says they'll think it was him. Calvin asks if he wants to make it look like Calvin likes her. The duplicate says she seemed so upset, he took her some flowers he picked. Calvin is shocked.

ch910328: I hear you're pretty smooth with the ladies! Woo woo woo! Oh, knock it off! It's that darn duplicate and you know it! Man, he's gone too far! I don't mind if he cleans my room and gets good grades, but by golly, I draw the line at being nice to Susie! Can't that duplicate tell she's a GIRL?! Oh, I think he's figured that out. I saw him cutting hearts out of red construction paper! WAUGH! ... And who could make My heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair Sweet Susie.
Hobbes tells Calvin he hears he's pretty smooth with the ladies. Calvin tells him to knock it off. He says it's the duplicate. Calvin says he doesn't mind if the duplicate cleans his room and gets good grades. He draws the line at being nice to Susie. He asks Hobbes if the duplicate can't tell she's a girl. Hobbes informs him the duplicate has figured that out. He says he saw him cutting hearts out of construction paper. The duplicate writes "...and who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie".

ch910329: DON'T TELL ME MY DUPLICATE IS WRITING SUSIE MASH NOTES!! You little charmer, you! I'm the dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club! My reputation! My honor! My principles! We've got to stop him! Oh no! He's not in my room! He must be on his way to Susie's house! You're probably going to get smoochies right now! Big wet ones, I bet! MORE sarcasm?! You come here again and I'll clobber you, Calvin.
Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him.

ch910330: You again?! Was I here before? Are you crazy?! You were here just two minutes ago! Uh-oh. I'm not STILL here, am I? YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE! WELL ANYONE CAN SEE THAT! AM I HERE ANYWHERE ELSE?! Sheesh. SLAM. Who can fathom the feminine mind? I like 'em anyway.
Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says "You again". Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind.

ch910331: It's true, Hobbes, ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're wilfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! We're heading for that cliff! I don't want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this.
Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the "pernicious poem place". They're playing Calvinball.

ch910401: THERE you are! There YOU are! What's the big idea giving Susie a mushy valentine?! Are you nuts? She wouldn't even accept it! YOU'RE such a jerk, she always thinks you're up to something! Who are you calling a jerk, you namby-pamby goody-goody! YOU, you self-centered conniving brat! Wow, how existential can you get?
Calvin finds his duplicate. Calvin complains about the duplicate giving Susie a valentine. The duplicate says she wouldn't even accept it. He calls Calvin a jerk. Calvin calls the duplicate a namby-pamby goody-goody. The duplicate calls Calvin a self-centered, conniving brat. They fight. Hobbes asks how existential can you get.

ch910402: So it's a fight you want, is it?! Why, I'll tear you limb from... Yeah? Yeah? Oops! I had an evil thought! FFTT. Another casualty of applied metaphysics. My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!
The duplicate says he's going to fight Calvin. FFTT! He disappears. He had an evil thought. Hobbes calls it another casualty of applied metaphysics. Calvin says his ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron. He says he's a genius.

ch910403: You're the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. That's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course, now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually, now that my good side is no longer a physical being, I find him that much easier to ignore.
Hobbes tells Calvin he's the only person he knows whose good side is prone to badness. Calvin says that's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle Calvin. He spectralized just in time. Hobbes calls it fascinating. He reminds Calvin he'll have to do his homework himself. Calvin says since his good side is no longer a physical being, he finds him that much easier to ignore.

ch910404: Well, that's the end of chapter one. We'll stop here. No, read the whole book, OK? Calvin, there's a hundred more pages and it's late. We'll read another chapter tomorrow. No, no! Finish it tonight! Gee, you must really like this. I have to write a paper on it tomorrow.
Dad is reading a story to Calvin. Dad says he's reached the end of chapter one. He says they'll stop there. Calvin tells him to read the whole book. Dad says there's a hundred more pages, and it's late. He says they'll read another chapter tomorrow. Calvin asks him to finish it tonight. Dad says he must really like the book. Calvin tells him he has to write a paper on it tomorrow.

ch910405: You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's noticed that things don't bug you if you don't think about them. He says he's not going to think about anything he doesn't like, and he'll be happy all the time. Hobbes asks if that isn't a silly and irresponsible way to live. Calvin looks at the sky and says "What a pretty afternoon".

ch910406: What are you doing out in the rain? I'm engaging in a contest of wills! It's me against nature! It's me against nature! Which of us is going to give up first? Is NATURE going to give up and stop raining, or am I going to give up and go inside? So far, it's undecided, but I'm determined to win! OOOH, BIG NOISE! YOU DON'T SCARE ME! KEEP IT COMING! I'M NOT GOING IN! Poor guy just couldn't stand the suspense.
Hobbes comes out in the rain with an umbrella to ask Calvin why he's out there. Calvin stands with his arms crossed. He says he's engaged in a contest of wills. It's him against nature. He raises his fists and asks which one is going to give up first. Will nature give up and stop raining, or will he give up and go inside. He says he's determined to win. There is a big KABOOM! Hobbes is startled. Calvin yells to the skies that the big noise doesn't scare him. He's not going in. Hobbes does go in. Calvin says the poor guy couldn't stand the suspense.

ch910407: This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order, dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On today's agenda, we'll make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously, this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK, first, girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second, they're good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee, slow down! Number three, girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four, they're good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous, sissy idea is THAT?! Well, it's true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! You're demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You can't supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know it's a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it, so don't try to deny it! ME?! That's a filthy lie! You'll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night, remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl, sort of... See? According to club rules, you should be excommunicated. OK, Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! We'll add an amendment saying smooching is optional, if it's your Mom. This is such a great club!
Prehistoric beasts look up. A tyrannosaurus roars. Calvin makes a terrible face, snorts and growls. His classmates all look at him. He says he's sorry. He had a little sinus congestion. He puts his face in his hands and sighs.

ch910408: I have an announcement. As of today, I will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". From now on, I wish to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". Calvin the Bold? Right. That's my new name for the rest of my life. How about Calvin the deranged? Also, Calvin the Bold will being reffering to himself in the third person.
Calvin tells Mom that as of today, he will no longer respond to the name "Calvin". He wishes to be addressed as "Calvin the Bold". He says that's the new name for the rest of his life. She asks how about Calvin the Deranged. Calvin tells her that Calvin the Bold will begin referring to himself in the third person.

ch910409: Calvin, will you do the next problem, please? Calvin? Who?? YOU! CALVIN THE BOLD demands that he be addressed by his full title for any response. Back again, hmm, Calvin? Who?
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to do the next problem. He just sits there. She asks him again. Calvin turns around, wondering who she's talking to. Miss Wormwood yells that she wants him. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that Calvin the Bold demands he be addressed by his full title for any response. In the principal's office, he asks Calvin if he's back again. Calvin looks around, wondering who he's talking to.

ch910410: Calvin the bold! Yes? Kneel. Huh?? What? Kneel? By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "Mud". You may rise. My name is MUD?! Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.
Dad sits on his chair and calls Calvin the Bold. Calvin runs in. Dad tells him to kneel. Calvin does. Dad says that by the finite patience vested in him, he hereby dubs Calvin "Mud". He tells Calvin to rise. Calvin realizes his name is mud. He walks off, grumbling that Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.

ch910411: MOMMM What's the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? IT'S 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it, I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. I'll be that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.
In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to sleep. Later, Calvin wonders how people are attracted to each other. Hobbes bets that's why they close their eyes when they smooch.

ch910412: Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didn't cook it enough the FIRST time, so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE side's BURNED and other OTHER's hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.
Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster.

ch910413: You know, before there was television, kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change, huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about?
Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about.

ch910414: RINNGG
Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV.

ch910415: Pull me way back! More... more... more... Hold it!
Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it.

ch910416: Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??
On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square.

ch910417: YOU'VE BEEN HITTING ROCKS IN THE HOUSE?! WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Poor genetic material? Bad guess.
Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess.

ch910418: Want to see a great idea in action? First you drink half of the milk in your thermos. That leaves enough room so you can wad the rest of your lunch in there. See, here goes my jelly sandwich and a banana. Let it soak for a minute, then shake it all up into sludge and choke it down! Your stomach won't know the difference, and it saves your teeth undue wear and tear! Nobody likes my great ideas in action.
At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action.

ch910419: I'd say I've had a pretty good life so far. In fact, looking back, I have only one regret. What's that? I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes.
Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes.

ch910420: No text
Calvin has a bat and tosses a baseball into the air. As it falls, he swings and misses. He walks off. He returns with a beachball.

ch910421: Calvin, the commercial airline pilot, decides not to fly to St. Louis as scheduled! Calvin doesn't WANT to see St. Louis. Calvin wants to see the GRAND CANYON! Tourists on the rim wave to Calvin's screaming passengers as the jet roars into the gorge! ... UP CLOSE! What a view! It's an experience none will ever forget! Everyone will be glad later that Calvin took this scenic detour! If I was driving, that's where we'd go. Well, you're NOT driving, and Arizona is NOT on the way to the grocery store.
Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate. He starts to shape it. He grabs some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into the same face, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair. Dad yells at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate.

ch910422: Attention! All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the great grandiose dictator-for-life, the ruler supreme, the fearless, the brave, the held-high-in-esteem, Calvin the Bold! Yes, stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente, Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views embraced! You can tell this is a great club by the way we start our meetings!
Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings.

ch910423: This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club is now in session! First Tiger Hobbes will present our financial report. Wait, we didn't sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. We sing that at the END of the meeting. I want to sing it NOW. We can't. We have to follow proper protocol! See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem LAST! Ohhohh GROHOSS BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS... STOP THAT YOU ANARCHIST!
Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist.

ch910424: You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You can't give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? I"m dictator-for-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If you're so important, how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!
Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes.

ch910425: By golly, I won't stand for this insubordination! You are hereby demoted to "Club Mascot"! Oh yeah? Well YOU can be "Club Chowder Head", because I QUIT! I'm forming my OWN club, and it's going to be a lot better than THIS one! Ha! Your sorry won't have a cool acronym for a name, I'll bet! It will too! MY club is called "C.A.D." C.A.D? What's THAT supposed to stand for? "Calvin's A Dope"! THAT'S NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!
Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot". Hobbes says Calvin can be the "Club Chowder Head", because he quits. He says he'll form his own club. Calvin bets his club won't have a cool acronym for a name. Hobbes tells Calvin his club is called C.A.D. Calvin asks what that stands for. Hobbes tells him "Calvin's A Dope".

ch910426: If you're club's called "Calvin's A Dope", then I'm changing the name of THIS club to "Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball"! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on we're bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes! They'll all be better than yours! I'm going to write myself a message in code right now! It says, "Calvin smells like a baboon!" Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT!
Calvin changes his club name to "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball". Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say "Calvin smells like a baboon". Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not.

ch910427: When you see how cool MY club is, you'll beg to be in it, but I won't let you! Who needs your stinky club?! I've got my own club! My club dedicates itself to the destruction of your club! Good! IT's a battle to the finish! This is total war! Oh yeah? We'll see about THAT! What? Only in your dreams, fuzzy face! Hey Calvin! Who are you yelling at up there? Yikes! Shh! It's Susie!
Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie.

ch910428: Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still, he gets into the cookies, spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes, he's a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted.
Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising.

ch910429: Hobbes, it's Susie! She's right under us! It's the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth, pass me the bag of rotten apples we've been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! you're back in! You're back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. IT'S YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie, don't move, OK? Stay exactly where you are.
Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move.

ch910430: YAA! YAA! GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS! HA HA! Ooh, is she mad at you! Ha ha ha! Our club is a success! I think she's running off to tell on us. Who cares! It was worth it! What a perfect plan! Talk about something we'll look back on with pride in our declining years!
Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years.

ch910501: Susie Derkins says you were throwing mushy apples at her! We were getting rid of slimy girls! That's our club! Well STOP it! You know better than that! I think you'd better come inside. You can tell this is a great club because we always get in trouble for following our charter!
Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter.

ch910502: You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time for this nonsense! I'm a busy guy! I've got things to do! The LAST think I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant! I'm glad you found time for this edifying conversation. Yeah well, I'm going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say you should stop and smell the roses. He says he did. He says they smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers. It was the most mundane experience he's had. He says he doesn't have time for that nonsense. He's a busy guy. He says the last thing he needs to do is stand around with his nose in some silly plant. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he's glad he somehow found the time for this edifying conversation. Calvin looks at his watch and says he's going to have to wrap it up. His TV show is about to start.

ch910503: OOOOOEEE EEBOOEE BOOEEBOO WAHHHOOOO That's my siren so you know I'm coming. Kids don't NEED sirens.
Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens.

ch910504: They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait!
Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait.

ch910505: I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang"? That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empericists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? "The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!" Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard".

ch910506: Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.

ch910507: MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATRESS? No, Calvin. CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me.

ch910508: No, Mom! Don't put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen, just because YOU never take one...

ch910509: Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?

ch910510: Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!

ch910511: Hello, Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

ch910512: Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. He's sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesn't WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! He's an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on, Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queen's bidding! If you won't help US around the house, why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!

ch910513: Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...

ch910514: Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute.

ch910515: Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.

ch910516: Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.

ch910517: I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if we're good or if we're bad?

ch910518: We're lost again. Ha! We're brave explorers! The word lost isn't even in our vocabulary! How about the word "Mommy"? Mommmyyy!!

ch910519: Z PSST! Hey kid, wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what you're up to! What's he doing? He's trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed, he'll grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! That's terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! I'll never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I can't get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure don't do very well.

ch910520: It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.

ch910521: I'm not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea, Calvin. It's a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.

ch910522: Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.

ch910523: Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...

ch910524: What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.

ch910525: Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!

ch910526: AAAAAAAAA Hm... I don't think so. Oh, C'mon. I'm right here.

ch910527: All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...

ch910528: 2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.

ch910529: Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.

ch910530: We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?

ch910531: What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!

ch910601: We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.

ch910602: If you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a CONTACT sport!

ch910603: Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.

ch910604: That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...

ch910605: Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.

ch910606: Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!

ch910607: Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we we were dead!! I hate this job.

ch910608: Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...

ch910609: FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention, I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universe's power to stop me. I'll accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldn't do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothing's happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIME'S UP! That proves it! There's no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??

ch910610: Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...

ch910611: Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...

ch910612: The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?

ch910613: Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

ch910614: Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.

ch910615: Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your breserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.

ch910616: Ahh, this is the life! Outside in the fresh air, all alone... no distractions, no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just aren't long enough to do what's important. You know, I think I'll quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear, want me to call the bike shop and see if they'll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if they'll upgrade my shifters too.

ch910617: A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.

ch910618: Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

ch910619: Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.

ch910620: Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!

ch910621: I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?

ch910622: Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!

ch910623: The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didn't know why. Bright the next morning, with noisy comotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. "Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn that you will soon be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job." That's my science fiction story. Think that's too far-fetched? Not enough, really.

ch910624: Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?

ch910625: I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...

ch910626: Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.

ch910627: Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.

ch910628: I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?

ch910629: Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?

ch910630: Something's wrong! We should've touched down by now! Oh no! We miscalculated! Reduce forward momentum! Landing leg is out of alignment! Communications lines are broken! View ports open! Focus! Focus! Rotate upper appendages! AAUGH! RED ALERT! We're going down! Crash positions! Adrenalin at maximum! Retract left landing leg! Redistribute all weight! It's too late! Prepare for impact! Circuit overload! Essential functions only! AAAAAAAAAAA KABOOM Goodness! Are you all right?? Damage assessment is under way.

ch910701: I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.

ch910702: Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.

ch910703: Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!

ch910704: When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.

ch910705: Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.

ch910706: I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.

ch910707: Ooh, these bug bites itch! But I won't scratch! It's mind over matter. I deny I itch! Aaaahh Oh man, it was worth it.

ch910708: You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.

ch910709: I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?

ch910710: Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."

ch910711: Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.

ch910712: Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!

ch910713: Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.

ch910714: The fearless Spaceman Spiff flies low over an uncharted planet! Suddenly, the alien-indicator light flashes! The bizarrotron shows a 3.7 weirdness level! our hero hits the decelerator! Watching for the alien, Spiff reflects that weirdness is nature's way of adapting life to its environment. Species are endlessly inventive in their will to survive! ZOUNDS!! THERE IT IS! What horrible circumstances of evolution would conspire to make a creature so profoundly UGLY? Our hero moves in for further examination of its hideousness! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?? GET AWAY FROM ME!! According to Spiff's field guide, the creature is a "gurl". Spiff makes a note that the bizarrotron has been reading a bit low lately. WEIRDO!

ch910715: Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!

ch910716: Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!

ch910717: Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.

ch910718: Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.

ch910719: A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!

ch910720: What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.

ch910721: It's hard to believe your conscience lets you sleep that well. NOW it does.

ch910722: Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...

ch910723: Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??

ch910724: Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...

ch910725: Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.

ch910726: I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.

ch910727: Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?

ch910728: CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION!! AAAAAAA We're studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in? Denial. ...sighhhh... I don't suppose I can argue with THAT...

ch910729: Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

ch910730: The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!

ch910731: As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?

ch910801: If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.

ch910802: Here fish! They must know that one.

ch910803: Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.

ch910804: WUMP AAAAAA I need to make friends with some less territorial animals.

ch910805: I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?

ch910806: Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!

ch910807: You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.

ch910808: Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?

ch910809: Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.

ch910810: Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.

ch910811: BLECHHH

ch910812: Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!

ch910813: In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.

ch910814: Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.

ch910815: Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...

ch910816: Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.

ch910817: Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?

ch910818: I don't like the real experience. It's too weird to figure out! You never know what's going on! You don't have any control over events! I prefer to have life filtered through television. That way you know events have been packaged for your convenience! I like a narrative imposed on life, so everything logically proceeds to a tidy conclusion. And if you don't like what's happening, "click", you change the channel and there's something different! That's how real life should be. "Click". Oh good, a farce!

ch910819: Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.

ch910820: Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.

ch910821: Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?

ch910822: It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!

ch910823: Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.

ch910824: I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!

ch910825: Whatcha doin'? Mom won't get me a springboard so I'm making my own. Now you can watch me do the highest jump into the leafpile you ever saw. HERE I GOO! YAA HOOP BONK GAA! WAP! OFF! BOP Why wouldn't your Mom get you a springboard? She was afraid I'd hurt myself.

ch910826: In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.

ch910827: It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.

ch910828: Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!

ch910829: The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.

ch910830: The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.

ch910831: Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.

ch910901: Hmm.. you don't have a fever. That's good. My throat's still kind of scratchy. I think I should stay home from school tomorrow. We'll see. You keep resting and I'll fix some soup to bring you. OK. Not feeling so good?? YIPE! I'm FINE! I'm the picture of health! I feel great! And I know what you're thinking, you savage! By golly, if you try carrying me off to dispatch, you'll be in for a big surprise! Get away from me! Here's your soup. Goodness, you're all sweaty! Let me take your temperature again. I'll bet OTHER people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak.

ch910902: I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?

ch910903: The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.

ch910904: Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?

ch910905: Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!

ch910906: Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

ch910907: Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!

ch910908: We think EVERY sport should be played cross-country.

ch910909: A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.

ch910910: Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.

ch910911: I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.

ch910912: Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.

ch910913: I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.

ch910914: Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.

ch910915: Wow! Calvin suddenly finds himself on his own sheet of notebook paper! Fortunately, Calvin has been doodling all morning. Here's a tank! Pleased by how well it's rendered, Calvin climbs in! The blue ruled guide lines are no match for the tank's heavy treads! Calvin roars across the page anywhere he wants! There's the school! Calvin fires directly into Miss Wormwood's classroom! Kids dive out of the windows! Oh no! Miss Wormwood has come to put a stop to Calvin's fun! He fires again and again, but she's too big and mean! Hand it over, Leonardo, and see me after class. The arts are always the first to go in public schools.

ch910916: C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.

ch910917: I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!

ch910918: Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.

ch910919: This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.

ch910920: I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.

ch910921: Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.

ch910922: WATCHOO

ch910923: Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.

ch910924: That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!

ch910925: Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.

ch910926: The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.

ch910927: Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!

ch910928: Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.

ch910929: I'M HO-OME! Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Sighhh... and good times are always over so fast.

ch910930: Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.

ch911001: Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?

ch911002