Calvin and Hobbes: 1990

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ch900101: No text
Calvin makes a snowball and rolls it down the hill. He watches it go down, then cheers. At the bottom of the hill, under a huge snowball, Susie yells back up the hill at Calvin.

ch900102: Before going down a steep hill like this, one should always give his sled a safety check. Right. Seat belts? None. Signals? None. Brakes? None. Steering? None. Wheeeee
Calvin looks down the hill. He and Hobbes are at the top of the hill with their sled. Calvin says that before going down a steep hill, one should always give his sled a safety check. Seat belts and signals? Hobbes says none. Brakes and steering? Hobbes says none. Down the hill they go, yelling "Wheeeeee" as they slide down.

ch900103: How cold is it outside? I don't know. Why don't you check? It's pretty darn cold. I'd say. Let me show you an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.
Calvin asks Mom how cold it is outside. Mom suggests he go check. Calvin opens the front door and stands there. Snow starts piling up around him and on his head. He tells Mom he'd say it's pretty darn cold. Mom is ready to wring his neck and says she wants to show him an interesting gadget that's hanging outside the window.

ch900104: No text
Calvin throws a snowball at Susie that goes over her head. She makes fun of Calvin. He storms off with an angry expression. Susie looks started. She runs off with Calvin in close pursuit. He has a shovel full of snow in his hand.

ch900105: This is the part of winter I like best ... when you come inside, freezing cold and soaked ... and you put on fresh dry clothes, and run up to the warm kitchen, where Mom's got a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you! Mom? Mom? HEY MOM! "Calvin, I'm next door. Don't have anything to eat, or you'll spoil your appetite. Mom." It's going to be a long, cold, dark winter.
Calvin and Hobbes come in from the snow. Calvin says this is the part of winter he likes. You come inside cold and soaked, you put on dry clothes and go into the kitchen, where Mom has a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you. He calls for Mom, but there's no answer. Hobbes reads a note that says Mom is next door. She writes for him not to eat anything or he'll spoil his appetite. Calvin says this is going to be a long, cold, dark winter.

ch900106: While I'M doing this brain surgery, YOU can make a donor and do a heart transplant! Forget it, Calvin. I'm not playing with you any more.
Calvin has built a snowman that lies on the ground. Calvin has a saw in his hand, taking the top of the snowman off. Calvin tells Susie that while he's doing the brain surgery, she can build a donor and do a heart transplant. Susie walks off saying forget it. She's not going to play with him any more.

ch900107: I've decided to be more of a "people" person, and make more friends. How come? I don't get enough presents. From now on, I'm devoting myself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. After all, no man is an island. We all need love and the support of others. We're social beings with social needs. So as of today, my goal is to be one with my fellow man, to develop and foster those deep connections that ... just a minute ... Hey Susie! Heads up!! Ha ha!! Augh help help I've changed my mind, Hobbes. People are scum. I think TRUE happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
Calvin declares himself a genius. He has loaded snowballs onto his toboggan. He sees Susie building a snowman down the hill. He plans to zip down and pelt her silly with the snowballs. He tells Hobbes to steer, while he throws. Susie hears them coming. Calvin is telling Hobbes to steer closer. Then, they're too close. Calvin calls "Mayday". PIFF! They run into Susie's snowman. Calvin, lying in the snow, says another genius is thwarted by an incapable assistant. Susie has the head of her snowman in her hands above her head. She tells Calvin to look up.

ch900108: Look, Hobbes, my newest invention! Isn't that your transmogrifier? It WAS. But I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Ah. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, THIS machine actually creates a real duplicate! So our financial worries are over? And counterfeiting is just ONE of its many uses around the home!
Calvin asks Hobbes to look at his newest invention. It's a box, sitting open on its side. Hobbes asks if that isn't Calvin's transmogrifier. Calvin says that it was, but he made some modifications. It's now a duplicator. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier. Instead of a reproduction on paper, you get a real duplicate. Hobbes asks if their financial worries are now over. Calvin tells him counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home.

ch900109: Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? I was just about to. You can help. Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Me. You?? Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team!
Hobbes asks if Calvin has tested his duplicator yet. Calvin is ready to. Hobbes asks what they should duplicate first. Calvin volunteers himself. He says Mom wants him to clean his room, so he can duplicate himself and let the duplicate do the work. Hobbes says he can picture the looks on his parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin thinks he can make a whole baseball team this summer.

ch900110: OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Are you sure this is a good idea? Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions. This is a BRILLIANT idea. Will ya? I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. Scientific progress goes "boink"? It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! No you're not, you liar! I invented this!
Calvin tells Hobbes to push the button to duplicate him. Hobbes isn't so sure he should. Calvin criticizes Hobbes as a doubting Thomas getting in the way of scientific advancement with their stupid ethical questions. Hobbes says he'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress, so he pushes the button. BOINK! Hobbes asks if scientific progress goes boink. Inside the box, Calvin says that it worked and he's a genius. Another voice calls Calvin a liar and says he invented it.

ch900111: The duplicator worked! Hobbes, meet my duplicate! Hey, nice room. Oog, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. OK, Dupe! Hobbes and I are going out to play. You clean my room and when you're done, I've got some homework you can do, too. WHAT?! Forget it, bub! Find some OTHER sucker to do your dirty work! Last one outside is a rotten egg! HEY! COME BACK HERE! He's a dupicate of you, all right. What do you mean? THIS guy is a total jerk!
Calvin introduces his duplicate. Hobbes isn't sure he's ready for this. Calvin tells his duplicate that he and Hobbes are going out to play. The duplicate will clean Calvin's room and do his homework. The duplicate doesn't like that. He runs off, telling Calvin to find another sucker to do his dirty work. Hobbes comments on how he is a duplicate of Calvin, all right. Calvin asks what he means. He says the duplicate is a total jerk.

ch900112: Where are YOU going? Did you clean your room like I asked you to? I'm going outside. Calvin can clean his OWN room. I don't want any nonsense, Calvin. Go upstairs. Calvin? I'm not Calvin. I'm his duplicate. Calvin's in his room. What did I just say? No nonsense, Calvin. Go clean your room. Boy, you ARE a crabby lady! Who are you? Calvin's cruel governess? That does it!
The duplicate walks by Mom dressed to go outside. Mom asks if he cleaned his room like she asked him to. The duplicate tells her that he's going outside and that Calvin can clean his own room. Mom doesn't want any nonsense and tells him to go upstairs. As he walks away, he says he's Calvin's duplicate. Calvin is upstairs. Mom gets angry and tells him to go to his room. The duplicate says she's a crabby lady. He asks if she's Calvin's cruel governess.

ch900113: C'mon, Hobbes. We'd better go find my duplicate before he gets me in trouble. I'm telling you, lady, you've got the wrong guy! I'm a duplicate of Calvin! Calvin is in his room! We'll see abou tthat. Give me your coat. See, Calvin? There's no one here. Now that's enough games. Clean your room, OK? Calvin? I don't see him, Hobbes. Maye he's outside, huh? We'd better hurry. I think I hear your Mom coming down the stairs.
Calvin and Hobbes leave the bedroom to look for the duplicate. Mom is putting a coat on the duplicate, who keeps telling Mom that he's not Calvin. He says Calvin is in his bedroom. Mom opens the bedroom door and shows there is no one there. She tells him no more games and to clean his room. Calvin is getting his coat on to check outside for the duplicate. Hobbes says they better hurry. He hears Mom coming down the stairs.

ch900114: The distant planet Z-12. Distant, that is, to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top, Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right, what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose, our hero readies a hydro bomb!
Calvin asks Dad to play outside in the snow with him. Dad is doing paperwork, so he can't play. Dad keeps working, but it's hard to concentrate. He looks out the window, then at his papers. He gets up and joins Calvin outside. They build a snowman together. That night, Dad is again working on his papers, but Mom holds Calvin up so he can give Dad a goodnight kiss on the head.

ch900115: Calvin! What are you doing outside? Didn't I just send you to clean your room two minutes ago?! No. I did too! Now get back upstairs. I'm losing my patience for this game! She must've found my duplicate! C'mon Hobbes, we'd better hurry before he gets us in more trouble! Number three, hi! I'm number two! Charmed.
Mom sees Calvin outside. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies no. Mom brings him inside and says she did tell him to clean the room. She says she's losing patience for this game. Calvin tells Hobbes she must have seen his duplicate. They go to find the duplicate before he can cause any more trouble. In the bedroom, another duplicate walks out of the duplicator. Number two introduces himself to number three.

ch900116: Mom said she sent me upstairs a minute ago! That must've been my duplicate! What a mess this is turning out to be! You said it! HE gets in trouble, but I'M the one who gets blamed! We'd better straighten him... AAUGH! Your duplicator is a big success. Oh no! Are you kidding? It burned out after the fifth one of us!
Calvin and Hobbes run up the stairs. Calvin says Mom must have sent his duplicate upstairs. Hobbes says this is turning into a mess. Calvin complains that the duplicate gets in trouble, but he gets the blame. They're horrified as they open the bedroom door. Hobbes says Calvin's duplicator is a big success as he looks at five duplicate Calvins. One of them says the duplicator burned out after the fifth one.

ch900117: Oh no! My duplicates made duplicates! Hi, we're numbers two through six! Hobbes, what am I going to do?! Better tell your Mom to put out the extra table settings. Look, you guys have to stay in here and be real quiet! If my Mom finds out about this, she'll have a fit!
Calvin is horrified to see his duplicate made duplicates. Calvin wonders what he should do. Hobbes suggests telling Mom to put out extra table settings. Calvin tells the duplicates they have to stay in the room and keep quiet. None of the duplicates want to do that. Calvin says that since he's the original, they have to do what he says. The duplicates suggest putting it to a vote.

ch900118: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to get some cookies!
One of the duplicates is going to get some cookies. One of them is going outside. Another one wonders what's on TV. Calvin tells them Mom will see them. One of the duplicates says that as long as they split up, every time Mom sees one of them, she'll think they're Calvin. The duplicates laugh and walk off. Calvin calls them a bunch of devious little stinkers. He wonders where they learned to misbehave that way. Hobbes thinks they should check into a hotel until this is over.

ch900119: Calvin, you know you're not allowed to eat cookies before dinner! Put those away! Did you clean your room yet? I'm not Calvin. I'm a duplicate. I don't want to hear about it. Now move! Ood, some days that kid of mine ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! Why? Are you taking a survey?
Mom tells Calvin not to eat cookies before dinner. She asks if he cleaned his room yet. The reply is that he's not Calvin, he's a duplicate. Mom storms off saying "some days that kid of mine". She sees Calvin in the living room watching TV. She asks what he's doing in there. The reply is "are you taking a survey".

ch900120: I'M HOME! Hi. Hi, Calvin. Hi. I SAID Hi. Hi. Knock it off, Calvin. Dear, have a talk with him. He's been driving me crazy.
Dad gets home, and Calvin says hi. Dad replies, and another Calvin comes by to say hi. Dad says that he already told him hi. Another Calvin says hi, and Dad tells him to knock it off. Mom tells Dad that he should have a talk with Calvin. He's been driving her crazy.

ch900121: No text
Mom, Dad, and Calvin are walking outside. Calvin complains that his toes are numb. Dad tells him numb toes build character. Calvin asks if frostbite, hypothermia, and death build character too. He says this is the worst day of his life. He says it seems like they've been walking for hours. Mom asks him to quit griping. Calvin says he's not griping. He's just observing what a miserable experience this walk is. He complains that as long as he's trudging hundreds of miles for no apparent reason, he might as well do it in silence. He continues ranting about being in the elements like a complete idiot, watching his digits turn to ice and fall off. They finally get home. Calvin grabs his toboggan and runs to play.

ch900122: OK duplicates, listen up. As long as you're all here and I don't know how to get rid of you, we might as well cooperate. Specifically, with five duplicates, we can divide up the school week so there's one duplicate for each day. If the rest of us lay low, we can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser! Great! Now that still leaves us with the question of who gets the bed tonight. We'll fight you for it.
Calvin tells the duplicates that since he doesn't know how to get rid of them, they might as well cooperate. He says they can divide up the school week, since there are enough duplicates. There's one for each day. Calvin says if the rest of them lay low, they can take turns going to school, and no one will be the wiser. Calvin ends with the question of who will get the bed. The duplicates offer to fight him for it.

ch900123: Hi Calvin. I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number two. What are you talking about? We drew straws, and today's my day to go to school. We're all taking turns so we each only go once a week. Calvin, you are so weird I'm not even going to talk to you. I'm not Calvin. I wish I lived some-place where I went to a normal bus stop. Are you in Calvin's class? Will you help me find his locker?
Susie says hi to Calvin. The reply is that he's duplicate number two. Susie asks what he's talking about. He explains that they drew straws, and it's his day to go to school. They're taking turns. Susie says Calvin's so weird, she isn't going to talk to him. He says he's not Calvin. Susie wishes she lived someplace where she went to a normal bus stop. He asks if she'll help him find Calvin's locker.

ch900124: Calvin, would you please demonstrate the hoemwork problem you were assigned yesterday? I wasn't here yesterday. Yes, you were, Calvin. Didn't you do your problem? I'm not Calvin. I'm duplicate number five. Duplicate number TWO was here yesterday, not ME. We're all taking turns. Number two wil be back next week, and you can ask him to do the problem THEN. Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the homework problem that was assigned. Calvin says he wasn't there yesterday. Miss Wormwood says he was present. The explanation is that he is duplicate number five. Duplicate number two was at school yesterday. They are taking turns. Number two will be back next week, so she can ask him to do the problem then. In the principal's office, Calvin says he doesn't see what's so hard about this.

ch900125: Guys? It's OK to come out! It's me, number four. I'm home. How was school today? Ahh, I got sent to the Principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Geez, you guys! Even I don't get sent to the principal every DAY! You're making me look bad! Look, Calvin, if you don't like our performance, you can go to school YOURSELF! Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions! I'm just saying there's room for improvement. Hey four, were you able to swipe any chalk? Yeah! The principal never frisked me!
Number four comes in the bedroom. He tells the others it's okay to come out. They ask how school went. He tells them he was sent to the principal's office, just like numbers two and five did. Calvin says not even he got sent to the principal's office every day. He says they're making him look bad. One of the duplicates says that if Calvin doesn't like their performance, he can go to school himself. Calvin says they shouldn't jump to conclusions. All he's saying is there is room for improvement.

ch900126: Hobbes, we've got to get rid of these duplicates! All they do is get me in trouble! Everyone thinks I'M doing all these rotten things, when really it's a duplicate! I'm being framed by my own doubles! RUN! HIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! It appears you've just perpetrated another crime. The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the stuff I'm getting blamed for.
Calvin tells Hobbes they need to get rid of the duplicates. All they do is get him in trouble. Calvin says everyone thinks he's doing all these rotten things, when it's really a duplicate. He's being framed by his own doubles. A bunch of duplicates run past Calvin, saying "run" and "hide". Hobbes says it appears Calvin has perpetrated another crime. Calvin complains that the worst part is that he doesn't even have the fun of doing the stuff he's getting blamed for.

ch900127: All right, what did you guys do NOW? You'd better hide, Calvin! Your Mom's on the warpath! CALVIN? She's coming! Quick, get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um, can I get back to you on this, Mom? NO.
Calvin asks the duplicates what they've done now. They tell him to hide, because Mom is on the warpath. All the duplicates hide under the duplicator box when Mom comes in. Calvin smiles and tries to look innocent while Mom asks him to explain his behavior. From under the box, Calvin hears whispered a request to have a bigger allowance. Five times bigger. Calvin asks if he can get back to her on that issue.

ch900128: Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. I'm thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! IT'S AFTER ME! IT'S GOT ME! I CAN FEEL IT'S TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Let's go back to bed, honey. You had a nightmare. Oh, it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. It's so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
Calvin stands looking at the snow, saying everything looks so pretty. He says it's his favorite time of the year. A shadow falls over Calvin. He looks up to see Hobbes. WUMPH! They tumble in the snow and roll down the hill. Covered with snow, Hobbes says this is his favorite time of the year. The new snow muffles approaching footsteps. Also covered with snow, Calvin says he can't wait for spring.

ch900129: Boy, Mom sure did read ME the riot act, didn't she? I have an idea. Psst. Calvin! Is the cost clear? Did your Mom go away yet? Can we come out now? Oh no! Your Mom's coming back! There she is! Stay in the box, guys! Keep quiet! Yikes! Shh! Hobbes, you're a genius! I don't hear her. Do you? Hey, what's going on out there?
Calvin is depressed that Mom read him the riot act. Hobbes whispers a suggestion to Calvin, who smiles. From under the box, voices ask if Mom has left, if the coast is clear, and whether they can come out. Hobbes says Mom is coming back again. Calvin tells the duplicates to be quiet. Calvin calls Hobbes a genius, as Calvin changes the wording on the box from duplicator to transmogrifier.

ch900130: So long, duplicates! What do you mean? We're not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well, I didn't want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Let's go gross someone out!
Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy.

ch900131: Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go?
Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go.

ch900201: Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. And what is? And that is, um... It's that, well... OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me. Live and don't learn, that's us.
Calvin tells Hobbes that they learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. Hobbes asks what that lesson is. Calvin thinks about it, but can't come up with anything. As they walk off, Calvin says "So we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me". Hobbes replies "Live and don't learn. That's us".

ch900202: WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball, all right! That's the problem with having a signature style.
WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style.

ch900203: HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? You're darn lucky I didn't get a snow blower for Christmas!
Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas.

ch900204: AAAAAA I think these comic books he reads are much too grim. Must be! Just look at him twitch.
Sledding down the hill, Calvin says television validates existence. The sled ride is fleeting and elusive. By tomorrow, they will have forgotten it, and it may as well have not happened. If they were on TV, countless viewers would share in the event and confirm it. This sled ride would become part of mass consciousness. On TV, the impact of an event is determined by the image, not its substance. With strong visuals, their sled ride could make them cultural icons. Instead of being boring ol' Calvin and Hobbes, they could be "Calvin and Hobbes - as seen on TV". They fly off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says at this moment, he likes his anonymity. Calvin thinks they should go for the high-brow public TV audience.

ch900205: QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph, while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones ...
Calvin reads his quiz question. Joe and Jack leave their homes at the same time, driving toward each other. One drives 60 mph, the other 30 mph. They pass in ten minutes. How far apart were they when they started? Calvin looks at the paper. Calvin is in his office, hat on, feet propped up, cigarette in mouth. He says "It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones". Tracer Bullet is here.

ch900206: I'd planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around. One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. Get to work, Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.
It's Tracer Bullet, Private Eye. It says so on the door. He planned to take the day off with his buddies. They travel light and are fun to have around. One travels in a holster, the other in a hip flask. The last thing he wanted was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to get to work. Calvin is sitting at his desk, with his feet up, thinking it would cost her fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses.

ch900207: I stepped out into the rainy streets and reviewed the facts. There weren't many. Two saps, Jack and Joe, drive towards each other at 60 and 30 mph. After 10 minutes, they pass. I'm supposed to find out how far apart they started. Questions pour down like the rain. Who ARE these mugs? What were they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? And what difference does it make where they started from? I had a hunch that, before this was over, I'd be sorry I asked.
Tracer steps out to the street to review the facts. Two saps, Joe and Jack, drive toward each other and pass. Questions pour down like rain. Who are these mugs? What are they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? Why does it matter where they started? He had a hunch that before this was over, he'd be sorry he asked.

ch900208: First I figured I'd try the Derkins dame. Susie and I never hit it off, although occasionally we hit each other. Susie had a face that suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor, but I wasn't going to her place for laughs. I needed information. The way I looked at it, Derkins acted awfully smug for a dame who had a head for numbers and not much else. Maybe she's got something on Jack and Joe. The question is, will she sing? No, I won't tell you what the answer is. Do your OWN work!
Tracer figures he'll try the Derkins dame. Susie and he had never hit it off, occasionally they hit each other. Tracer says Susie has a face that suggests someone upstairs has a weird sense of humor. But he needed information. He figures she looks pretty smug for a dame with a head for numbers, but not much else. The question is, will she sing? Susie tells Calvin she will not tell him the answer and to do his own work.

ch900209: The Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her first and shut her up good. I knew Susie, and closing her mouth would've taken some work. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find. You've made enough trips to the water fountain. Finish your quiz. Suddenly a gorilla pulled me in an alley, squeezed my spine into an accordion, and played a polka on me with brass knuckles. Youse ain't going nowhere, flatfoot.
Bullet says the Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her and shut her up good. He knows Susie. Closing her mouth would have taken some work. He needed a clue and a drink. He knew where to find one of them. Miss Wormwood grabs Calvin and says he's had enough trips to the water fountain. Tracer says a gorilla pulled him into an alley, squeezed his spine into an accordion, and played a polka on him with brass knuckles.

ch900210: The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to, the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joe's lives were defined by integers. Obviously, they were part of a "numbers" racket! Back in the office, I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called "Mr. Billion". Answer: 1,000,000,000. Case closed! Time's up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get, Calvin? I think the answer's 15.
Tracer's head was exploding with fireworks. When he came to, the pieces fit together. Jack and Joe's life were defined by integers. They were in a "numbers" racket. Back in the office, Tracer pulled the files on numbers big enough to keep Susie quiet and to want him out of the picture. Calvin answers 1,000,000,000 on his quiz. Case closed!

ch900211: Uh oh, here comes Calvin... The incurable weirdness poster child. Hi Calvin. What's with the mask and bucket? HMPH. This is a poem! Please do what you're told! And here is a bucket of water ice-cold! Please take this water, and dump it on me! Don't hesitate! Do it A.S.A.P.! Just wait till YOU touch the "pernicious poem place"!! Oooh, you'll be sorry THEN! Whee! I love playing CalvinBall! This is a bag flag zone!
Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling "look out below", "mayday", and "bail out". Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled.

ch900212: I missed the bus, Mom. Oh no. Hurry! If we jump in the car, you can zoom up, pass the bus on a straghtaway, drop me off at a later stop, and I can ride the bus from there! C'mon! What are you waiting for? Rev up the car! Mom's so lazy.
Calvin comes back inside, telling Mom he missed the bus. He tells her if she hurries, they can jump in the car, zoom up and pass the bus, drop him at a later stop, and he can ride the bus from there. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Calvin runs up to her asking what she's waiting for. He tells her to rev up the car. Calvin, walking down the sidewalk, says Mom's so lazy.

ch900213: Readyyy.. Aimmm...
Calvin makes a big snowball. He makes another and sets it on top the first. He makes a snowman standing against a tree. He puts a blindfold on it and a stick in its mouth. Calvin gets a snowball in his hand and says ready, aim...

ch900214: Bedtime, kiddo. Aw, Mom! Can't I watch the next program? No, you need your sleep. C'mon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK, just 10 minutes! Then I'll go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes, OK? Turn off the TV. Look, I'll just watch a few more commercials, OK? See, here's my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic.
Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin asks to watch the next TV program. Mom tells him he needs his sleep. Calvin begs for another fifteen minutes of TV watching. Then he tries asking for ten, and finally five minutes. Mom tells him to turn off the TV. Calvin says he'll just watch a few more commercials. He points out his favorite gum commercial just coming on. In bed, Calvin guesses that got pretty pathetic.

ch900215: Oh NO! I just remembered that today is "Show and Tell" day! I need something to show and tell about! Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? What can I take? I've gotta take something! I've ...ah... ACHOOO Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't...
Eating breakfast, Calvin remembers that it's "show and tell" day. Mom asks why he can't think of these things more than two minutes before the bus arrives. Calvin runs off saying he has to take something. As he runs, he sneezes into his hands. He tells Mom never mind, and he asks if they have any plastic bags. Mom, sitting reading the newspaper, repeats over and over "I don't want to know".

ch900216: See? SEE? Starboard is RIGHT! PORT is left! OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
Calvin and Hobbes are covered with snow, their sled stuck into the ground. They stomp along, still covered with snow. They're both frowning as they take their coats off and brush off the snow. They both stomp along, still frowning. Hobbes points to the page in the dictionary. He says he told Calvin that starboard is right, and port is left. Calvin concedes that he was wrong for once in his life and tells Hobbes to shut up.

ch900217: AARGHH! I MISSED! It's these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to 'em and you can't throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good, awful, rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well I'll be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads!
Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads.

ch900218: GRGHHG rGHHHH GRRGH RGGHH SNORRTT GHACKHGG Heh heh heh... Sorry... A litle sinus congestion... Sighhh...
Spaceman Spiff cruises over Planet Quorg. Our hero explores the peculiar rock formations, looking for life. The rock formations are too peculiar. Spiff suddenly realizes this landscape was not created by geological forces. Spiff hits the thrusters. The formations are footprints. While Spiff was searching for alien life, it was searching for him. Spiff is sure it wanted the earthling for dinner. Calvin sees footprints in the snow, while he hears his name being called to dinner. Calvin runs the opposite way.

ch900219: WUMP!
Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be.

ch900220: ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
Calvin is building a snowman. He tells Hobbes that any dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like him to create art. He says his snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. His sculpture is about grief and suffering. He says one look at the tortured countenance of the figure confirms the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. He says his work will endure and will inspire future generations. As they stand there, the sun starts to melt the snowman.

ch900221: Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making more snow art, since his snowman melted the day before. Calvin tells him that this time, he's taking advantage of the medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As the snowman melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. It speaks to the horror of our own mortality. Someone yells that it's too warm to build a snowman, and they laugh at Calvin. Hobbes says there is a philistine on the sidewalk. Calvin says genius is never understood in its own time.

ch900222: How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow.
Hobbes asks how Calvin's snow art is coming. Calvin says he's moved into abstraction. His piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, he's free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. Hobbes notices Calvin's oeuvre is monochromatic. Calvin replies that it's just snow.

ch900223: Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be "bad". Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death.

ch900224: Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any pudding. Mom says tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin explains to Hobbes that's what Mom said. Hobbes checks his torso and says he's lean and mean. He tells Calvin to tell Mom the chocolate pudding makes his coat lustrous.

ch900225: There's Venus. There's Mars. And there's Jupiter. And I'm STUCK here. On a clear night like this, you realize how incomprehensible the universe really is. I wonder what early man must have thought as he watched the skies. He'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding of planets or stars or comets or anything. Imagine how big and mysterious the night would've seemed to him! I'll bet he felt very fragile and afraid, don't you think? ... Hobbes? Hobbes?? ... h-hello? Anyb-body?? AUGH! WUMP! I'll bet THAT's what he felt like! Saber-tooth tiger food! From now on I'm going to stay inside all night and watch TV.
Calvin and Hobbes sit by the fireplace. Suddenly, it gets too warm. They dash away from the fire. They lie down and feel the sizzle as they cool off. Back to the fire they go. Calvin says if there's more to life than this, he doesn't know what it is.

ch900226: Why should I go to school?! Why can't I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why can't things be different? Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am, Mom's not very philosophical.
Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical.

ch900227: All set? Yep! OK, get read! NOW! SMASH Too bad the back of the camera opened when we landed. That would've been a great picture.
On the toboggan, Calvin asks if Hobbes is set. Hobbes is carrying a camera. Down the hill they go. Calvin tells Hobbes to get ready. They smash into a rock and fly into the air. Calvin yells "Now", and Hobbes snaps the picture. Coming back up the hill covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too bad the camera opened when they landed. That would have been a great picture.

ch900228: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "double word score" box! "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! It is SO a word! It's worm found in new guinea! Everyone knows that! I'm looking it up. You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word YOU played with all the Xs and Js! What's your score for ZQFMGB? 957.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Calvin claims a double-word score. Hobbes complains that "ZQFMGB" isn't a word. Calvin tells him it's a worm found in New Guinea. Hobbes says he's going to look it up. Calvin says if he does, he's going to look up the 12-letter word Hobbes played with all the X's and J's. Hobbes asks Calvin what his score for the word is. Calvin replies "957".

ch900301: Hey, no TV until your homework is done. It's getting done. Not with you sitting HERE, it isn't. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After I'm done watching TV, he'll tell ME what the book was about, and I'll tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See, we're doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh, I only like nature documentaries.
Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries.

ch900302: Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! It's for the "Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund." Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is "Give before it hurts."
Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund". Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is "Give Before It Hurts".

ch900303: MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mphhh... Calvin, it's after midnight. Get a drink yourself. I can't. There are monsters under my bed! I'm scared. OK... Ok... Ok... AAUGH
Calvin wakes up at night and yells for Mom to bring him a glass of water. Mom says it's after midnight and that he should get the drink himself. Calvin replies there are monsters under his bed and that he's scared. Mom says okay. Mom turns on the light to bring the water, and Calvin sees Mom with her hair all messed up and eyes partially closed. He is horrified and yells "AAUGH".

ch900304: They must've taken out an insurance policy on me... sighhh... ...sighhh...
Millions of years ago, the "ultrasaurs" wander the earth. Some weigh over 70 tons. Even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants. A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a stampede. It's a Calvinosaurus. Named after the renowned paleontologist who discovered it, the Calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bite. Calvin, digging a hole, says he never finds anything. Hobbes thinks it looks like he hit the sewer pipe.

ch900305: OK Hobbes, toss up this deck of cards, and I'll plug the ace of spades! Oh boy, a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good, huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm, on second thought, I'll fold. Hey, what's with this deck?!
Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck.

ch900306: This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this.

ch900307: I did it! I did it! Somehow I imagined the experience would be more rewarding.
Calvin puts a pillow on the floor. He puts his head on it, then pulls his body up. He's standing on his head. Calvin stays there a bit, then says somehow he imagined this experience would be more rewarding.

ch900308: Hewwo! Is Hobbesie-wobbsie sweepy? Ooh, he's just a bog snoogie-woogie, isn't he? Yes he IS! Hewwo, snoogie woogie! GLOMP! HEY HEY! Ow! LEGGO, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY CARNIVORE! OW! OW! OW! I can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.
Hobbes is sleeping when Calvin approaches him using baby-talk. He asks if Hobbes is sleepy. Calvin says "hewwo" and calls Hobbes a snoogie-woogie. Hobbes awakens with a start and clomps down on Calvin's head with his mouth. Calvin yells for his bloodthirsty carnivore to let go of him. They fight. Calvin walks off saying he can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.

ch900309: Once upon a time, there was a ... Hold it. You know what I'D like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT, OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch.
Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, but Calvin stops him. Calvin tells Dad that he'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, the bears joining up with the big bad wolf and then eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. He tells Dad to tell him a story like that. Dad asks how Hansel and Gretel should meet their untimely demise. Calvin suggests the witch eats them, then the wolf eats the witch.

ch900310: Hey Dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Wah on earth for? It's 8;00 at night! I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn... ...and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! NO, you can't do that! Don't be ridiculous! I don't even want to know what he intended to write.
Calvin asks Dad if he can take the gas can for the lawn mower to the back yard. Dad says it's 8:00 at night. He asks Calvin what he wants to do that. Calvin tells him he wants to pour the gasoline in big letters on the lawn, then set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over. Dad tells him no, he can't do that. He tells him not to be ridiculous. Dad puts the side of his head on his hand and says he doesn't even want to know what he intended to write.

ch900311: I'm hooOaaGHhH! AAAAAAAAA If you ache, it's because you don't properly stretch before exercising. I didn't know I was going to BE exercising!!
A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes is accused of heresy. Calvin explains Hobbes made an undisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of the club. Hobbes wants the record to show Calvin is a nincompoop. Calvin charges him with insubordination. Hobbes, as court stenographer, refuses to enter the verdict. He promotes himself to "El Tigre Numero Uno". Calvin promotes himself. Hobbes writes "Hobbes equals great" in the club notebook. That makes it law. Calvin takes the notebook. Hobbes takes Calvin's Supreme Dictator hat. They fight, then declare a truce. Calvin says this is a great club, but it's too bad they don't have more members. Hobbes says maybe they should allow Susie to join.

ch900312: Do you... I mean, does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No, Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK, I'll put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter?
At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter.

ch900313: Here's some clean clothes. Will you put them away, please? Hey, my underwear isn't pressed! Neither are my socks! You didn't finish ironing. Buddy, if you want your underwear ironed, you can do it yourself! What kind of mother ARE you?! She should take more pride in her work.
Mom hands Calvin some clean clothes. She asks him to put them away. Calvin says the underwear and socks aren't pressed. He says she didn't finish ironing. Mom tells him if he wants his underwear ironed, he can do it himself. Calvin angrily asks what kind of mother she is. Calvin says she should take more pride in her work, as he jams the clothes into an overflowing drawer.

ch900314: I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She said they certainly wouldn't have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin says he asked Mom if he was a gifted child. Mom had replied she certainly wouldn't have paid for him. He tells Hobbes he can relate this little story when reporters ask how he went bad.

ch900315: Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own, and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give 'em back! Maybe you should be glad he's more literate than most stuffed animals. But they're MY comic books, not HIS! Well, you should learn to share. I don't think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why don't you go play outside, Calvin?
Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside.

ch900316: How's your math coming? I don't DO math any more. I decided I'm more of a "visual" person. Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Visualizing a few sums now, eh? Actually, I'm visualizing YOU in traction. Help me do these, OK?
Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a "visual" person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction.

ch900317: Hey Hobbes, I'll give you 20 questions to guess what I have in my hands, OK? OK. Is it loathsome? Yes! Is it some big centipede with poison pinchers? Centipedes have poison pinchers? I think so. Man, it's a good thing you guessed it so fast! With you, it's never too difficult.
Calvin tells Hobbes he'll give him 20 questions to guess what's in his hand. Hobbes asks if it's loathsome. Calvin says yes. Hobbes asks if it's a big centipede with poison pinchers. Calvin asks if they really have poison pinchers. Hobbes thinks so. Calvin jumps into Hobbes' arms and says it's a good thing he guessed so fast. Hobbes replies that with Calvin, it's never too difficult.

ch900318: It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks "people".

ch900319: Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry, on the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... Why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
Calvin asks Mom where they keep the extension cords. Mom tells him in the pantry, bottom shelf. Calvin then asks where they keep the blades for Dad's electric saw. Mom asks why he wants to know. Calvin tells her he's making an inventory list so he'll always know where to find things. He walks off saying he gets the feeling there was no right answer to that question.

ch900320: Calvin, come out from wherever you're hiding and take your bath! Do you hear me, Calvin?! I mean NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it's MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept.

ch900321: Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday.

ch900322: I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll!
Calvin tells Hobbes how much he likes his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He shows Hobbes how brown the milk gets. Calvin points out something on the nutritional label. Hobbes notices the cereal provides 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine. Calvin notices an offer to send for a "Buzzy the Hummingbird" doll on the side panel of the box.

ch900323: Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
Hobbes is lying on the floor, and Calvin starts playing with his toes saying "eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe". Hobbes opens an eye. Calvin continues saying "if he hollers.." as Hobbes starts to rise with an angry look on his face. Calvin walks off all scuffed up saying who writes these dumb things anyway.

ch900324: County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read.
Calvin calls the county library looking for information on homemade bombs. Calvin needs a book that lists the needed supplies, and gives instructions for building, rigging, and detonating them. Calvin asks if any of their other branches have books like that. Dejectedly, Calvin hangs up saying people wonder why kids don't read.

ch900325: What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines.

ch900326: I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home.

ch900327: Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol' catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well, it doesn't matter. You'd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But it's the middle of the afternoon! Yes, but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home, so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning we're going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:00.
Mom asks Calvin how he could get so dirty at school. Calvin tells her it wasn't from school that he got dirty. He says Hobbes was waiting for him. Mom tells him to take a bath. Calvin protests because it's the middle of the afternoon. As Mom pushes Calvin toward the bathroom, she says she has to take a shower so Dad can take one when he gets home. Calvin wonders if there's some epidemic going around. Mom reminds Calvin that she told him that morning that she and Dad were going out that night. Rosalyn will be watching him tonight. Calvin is horrified.

ch900328: Look, I know you don't like Rosalyn, but she's the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time, don't you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I don't want to come home and hear any horror stories, OK? For goodness sake, Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
Calvin yells in anguish throughout the entire strip. Mom tries to explain to Calvin that she knows he doesn't like Rosalyn, but she's the only person they could get. Mom reminds Calvin she wants him on his best behavior. She tells him to do whatever Rosalyn says to, because she doesn't want to hear any horror stories when they return. Mom tells Calvin to take a breath before he passes out on the floor.

ch900329: What are we going to DO, Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think she'll remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does, we're dead! She'll probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! I'm almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well, no matter what, we're in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I must've gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
In the tub, Calvin asks Hobbes what they're going to do since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes asks if Rosalyn will remember how they locked her outside last time. Calvin says she'll probably put his head on a stake in the front yard as a warning. Hobbes is sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Calvin tells Hobbes that they're in trouble unless they think of something fast. Hobbes suggests they could try being good. Calvin tells Hobbes he must have gotten some water in his ear. He asks Hobbes what he said. Hobbes tells Calvin to forget it.

ch900330: Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You don't need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so, I'd like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear, may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I don't care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
Mom invites Rosalyn in. Dad says Calvin will be on his best behavior, but Rosalyn asks for an advance. Dad isn't sure about that. Mom asks to speak with Dad. Dad tells her Rosalyn asked for an advance on tonight when she left last time. Mom tells him she doesn't care. She tells Dad to pay what it takes to get them out of there.

ch900331: OK, we're going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. I'll tell you when it's bedtime.
As Dad leaves, he catches Calvin's attention. Dad drags a finger across his throat, then closes the door. Calvin sits on the floor and says he's going to look at the wall tonight. Rosalyn says she'll tell him when it's bedtime.

ch900401: Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is in a bad mood. Hobbes is lying on the floor in Calvin's path. Calvin tells him to move. He asks if Hobbes thinks he has all day. Hobbes slowly stands up. Calvin says he's coming through. He tries pushing Hobbes out of the way. Calvin says when he says move, he expects Hobbes to jump. He pushes Hobbes, trying to get him to move. Hobbes picks Calvin up. He takes him away. Calvin demands an explanation, then sees the mud hole. Calvin is covered in mud. He yells "See why I'm in such a bad mood".

ch900402: This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess that's that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us, but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! I'm going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if they get out of line once, Rosalyn will kill them. Then, when Mom and Dad return, they'll get killed again. Hobbes says that's that. Calvin refuses to admit defeat. He runs into the closet saying things look grim for them, but not for .....Stupendous Man! Champion of liberty, foe of tyranny. Hobbes tells Calvin he's going to get into bed now and avoid the rush.

ch900403: A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! I'm in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie, it's Rosalyn. Yeah, I'm over at the little monster's house again. Hmm? No, actually he's been pretty good tonight. Yeah, I can't believe it.
Stupendous Man streaks across the sky. The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue. Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted. Rosalyn is on the phone with her boyfriend, Charlie. She says she's at the little monster's house again, but that he's been pretty good tonight. Stupendous Man is creeping up behind her.

ch900404: Anyway Charlie, I'm sorry we couldn't go out tonight, but this little creep's parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me, Calvin, you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie, I'm going to have to call you back. You wouldn't believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude, STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
Rosalyn is telling Charlie that Calvin's parents are so desperate to get out once in a while. Stupendous Man leaps up yelling that freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny. He knocks Rosalyn off the chair. Stupendous Man has the strength of a million mortal men. He tells Rosalyn to give up. Rosalyn grabs the phone and tells Charlie she'll have to call him back. She says he wouldn't believe what the cretin is wearing. Stupendous Man has a leglock on Rosalyn and says he fights with heroic resolve.

ch900405: OK Calvin, you want to play rough, huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! You've got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed, or I'll put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! I'm counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash, STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
Rosalyn rolls her sleeves up and asks if Calvin wants to play rough. Stupendous Man thinks she must have super powers, too. Rosalyn tells him he has two seconds to get his caped butt in bed, or she'll put it there for good. Stupendous Man says the evil Amazon is using a psycho-beam to weaken his stupendous will. Rosalyn starts counting. Stupendous Man tries to resist. When Rosalyn says "two", Stupendous Man is off.

ch900406: With stupendous speed, STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right, Calvin! Where'd you go?! I know you're out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight, remember?! They're not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See, if we had bought a dog instead, like I wanted, we could go out like this all the time. Honey, we came here to relax. Let's talk about something else.
Stupendous Man is out the door. Rosalyn yells out that his parents told him to behave. She says they're not going to be happy when they hear about this. Mom and Dad are in the restaurant. Dad says that if they had bought a dog like he wanted, they could go out like this all the time. Mom says they came to relax and should talk about something else.

ch900407: There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress, STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous intellect! Calvin, you're in big trouble if you don't come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesn't know where I am!
Rosalyn is outside with a flashlight looking for Calvin. Stupendous Man, in his treehouse, plans his strategy. Calvin goes back inside to his bedroom. He tells Hobbes that he made a stupendous dash when Rosalyn went around the house. He says she still doesn't know where he is.

ch900408: HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your Mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless, the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation short circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. THAT'S love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to ME once, but I figured it was COOTIES!!
Spaceman Spiff lands on Planet Gorzarg-5. He sets off across the desolate terrain in search of help. In the distance, methane clouds rain sodium hydroxide, a caustic alkali. The downpour was too heavy for the ground to absorb. A steaming river of corrosive liquid rushes toward our hero. Spiff scrambles to higher ground, but the flood continues to rise. Our hero is trapped. How could things get worse? Calvin is leaning across the bathtub as Mom tells him to just get in.

ch900409: There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesn't know you sneaked back inside. Now I'll change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. She's coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend we've just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! I'VE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think she's going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. It's as plain as can be!
Hobbes notices Rosalyn going around the house again. She still doesn't know Calvin is inside. Calvin changes from Stupendous Man back into Calvin. Rosalyn has seen the bedroom light and comes inside. Calvin tells Hobbes to get in the covers and pretend they've been reading in bed. Hobbes reminds Calvin that Rosalyn knows he attacked her and ran outside. Calvin says that was Stupendous Man. He's been in bed in his PJ's since 8:00. Hobbes asks if he thinks she's going to believe that. Calvin tells him his covers are here and his pajamas are here. It's as plain as can be.

ch900410: All right! I found you! Found?? Why, what do you mean? I've been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Don't give me that! You just now sneaked inside, took off your silly costume, and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well you're gonna get it NOW, bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me, huh? You can't send me to bed when I'm already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun, you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey, you can't take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
Rosalyn comes into the room. Calvin tells her he's been there all the time. Rosalyn tells him he snuck outside, took off his costume, and jumped in bed. She says he's going to get it now. Calvin thumbs his hands at Rosalyn asking what she can do since he's already in bed. She grabs Calvin and tells him to get downstairs. Calvin protests, saying he needs his sleep.

ch900411: While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home, perhaps YOU'D like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom, what's to tell? At 8:00, I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so I'd get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try, Pinocchio. Well, who'd have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to explain what happened tonight. He tells her he put on his pajamas at 8:00, brushed his teeth, and went straight to bed. Mom asks about the note Rosalyn left. Calvin says she made him write it up to get him in trouble. He says Rosalyn hates kids. In bed, Hobbes tells Calvin "Nice try, Pinocchio". Calvin asks who would've thought Rosalyn would make him write a full confession.

ch900412: No TV for a week! What injustice! They think they've won, but they haven't! I'LL show 'em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! I'm indomitable! They can't change me! I'll sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on!
Calvin complains that he can't watch TV for a week. He says they think they've won, but he'll show them. He refuses to learn a lesson. They can't change him. He sits on the floor in front of the TV and says he's going to sit there all week, even though he can't turn it on.

ch900413: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity works only if you're going west. Gee, that's not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well, we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
Calvin asks Dad to explain the theory of relativity to him. He can't understand how time goes slower at great speed. Dad says it's because you keep changing time zones. It's like when you fly to California and gain two hours on a five-hour flight. Dad says at the speed of light, you gain more time because it doesn't take as long to get there. Dad says the theory of relativity only works if you're heading west. Calvin tells him that isn't what Mom said at all. She must be off her rocker. Dad says men are better at abstract reasoning. He tells Calvin to tell Mom that.

ch900414: Mom, can we go out to the highway? Do what? See, I'll put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five, you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out to the highway. Calvin wants to put on his roller skates, tie a rope around himself to the car bumper, and skate along behind at 55 mph. Calvin asks again if they can go. Up on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes Hobbes could drive.

ch900415: Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about NOW? KLUNK Oh no! Oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you NOW?!? That's it, Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mid! CALVIN, BE QUIET! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are, I'll look under the hood. Kick the car, Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. BEEEEEP! Beep! Beep! AAUGH! HOORAYY!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck, lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes if he's noticed decisions make chain reactions. Calvin says each decision they make determines the range of choices they'll face next. Coming to a fork in the road, Calvin chooses to go left. As a result of that decision, they're faced with jumping the ledge or riding along the side of it. If they hadn't turned left at the fork, this new choice would never have come up. Hobbes notes with some dismay, Calvin has chosen to jump the ledge. Hobbes asks if they should bail out or die in the landing. Calvin says that shows their first decision created a chain reaction of decisions. He decides they should jump. Lying in the stream, Calvin says if you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. Hobbes wishes they could talk about these things without the visual aids.

ch900416: Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I can't believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day, or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
Calvin runs over to the swings. He gets on while saying he almost never gets a swing at recess. No one is telling him to hurry up, as he keeps swinging. Calvin decides this is either his lucky day, or he missed the end-of-recess bell again.

ch900417: Hey Calvin, didn't you sign up to play baseball at recess? No, why? You must be the only boy who didn't. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean I'm the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! I'm in COOTIE CENTRAL! I haven't had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
Susie comes over and asks if Calvin signed up to play baseball at recess. She says he must be the only one who didn't. The others are playing in the back fields. Calvin is the only boy on a playground full of girls. Susie says it looks that way. She asks if Calvin wants to teeter-totter with her. Calvin, shocked, says he's in Cootie Central and hasn't had his shots. Susie tells him stupidity produces antibodies. Calvin pulls his shirt over his mouth asking for an air filter.

ch900418: Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didn't you like sports? I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT, I'll join the army and at least get paid.
Calvin is on the teeter-totter with Susie. She asks why he didn't sign up to play baseball. Calvin says he'd just rather run around. He says he hates the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. He says someone is always telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. He figures when he wants that, he'll join the Army and at least get paid.

ch900419: Hey, lookit the sissy who didn't sign up for recess baseball. I'm not a sissy! Oh yeah? You'd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasn't playing with dolls! Sure you weren't! Let me see your Barbie doll, you sissy wimp! I'm not a wimp! In fact, I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again, if I'm not a wimp, why am I taking the path of least resistance?
Moe hassles Calvin about being a sissy for not signing up for baseball. Moe says Calvin would rather play with dolls on the playground. Calvin says he wasn't playing with dolls. Moe wants to see Calvin's Barbie doll. Calvin says he's not a wimp and was on his way to the office to sign up for baseball right now. Standing outside the office door, Calvin wonders why, if he's not a wimp, he's taking the path of least resistance.

ch900420: I signed up to play baseball every recess and I don't even like baseball that much. I mean, it's fun playing baseball with just YOU, because we both get to pitch, bat, run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! That's the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! It's BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See, that's another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
Calvin tells Hobbes he signed up to play baseball at recess, even though he doesn't like it that much. Calvin likes playing with Hobbes, because they get to do everything. Hobbes admits he likes the part when they argue over the rules. Calvin figures it will be boring playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. Hobbes asks if Calvin even knows the right way to play. Calvin asks what happens if they make him a halfback. He wonders if he can tackle the shortstop or not.

ch900421: I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah, but I didn't even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?! When you grow up, it's not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
Dad tells Calvin he heard Calvin signed up to play ball. Calvin admits he only did it to stop getting teased. Dad tells Calvin team sports are good for teaching teamwork and cooperation, winning graciously and accepting defeat. He says it builds character. Calvin says he's regretted every time he's built character. He says he doesn't want to learn teamwork or how to learn about winning or losing. He doesn't even want to compete. He asks what's wrong with having fun by yourself. Dad tells him when you grow up, it's not allowed. Calvin says that's all the more reason he should do it now.

ch900422: Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Dad asks what story Calvin wants tonight. He wants a story about Hobbes and him. Dad starts making up a story about them getting up at the crack of dawn, making a huge ruckus, running up and sliding down the stairs. Calvin adds about the Big Bad Dad yelling at them and saying he'd mail them to Pluto third class if they didn't knock it off. Dad continues that Calvin went to rot out his innards with chocolate cereal and rot his brain watching cartoons. Calvin doesn't want editorials. Dad continues that Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the house for a while. He tells Calvin good night. Calvin complains that's not the end. Dad gives Calvin a kiss and says he's right. That isn't the end of the story. The story doesn't have an end. He and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But for now, it's time to sleep. Calvin says that was a good story. Calvin and Hobbes wish each other a good night.

ch900423: C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now, be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Thags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!
Dad offers to help Calvin practice baseball before dinner. Calvin goes out to get ready to field a ground ball. He complains that he should just move. Dad gets ready to hit the ball and tells Calvin not to wait on the ball. He needs to run up to the ball. Dad leans over Calvin, lying on the ground. Dad says the ball sometimes bounces up like that, and he has to be ready for that. Calvin, speaking through a clogged nose, tells Dad thanks for the tip. He tells Dad to find his nose and put it on ice so they can sew it back on.

ch900424: Goodness, what happened?! You were only out there a minute! A grounder bounced up and hit Calvin on the nose. I'B BLEEDIG! BY ODE DAD ID TRYIG TO GILL ME! Hold your head back, honey. Here's some more tissues. I'b nod playig badeball eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! Sit still so the bleeding can stop, OK? I guess we can forget having a millionaire baseball player support us in our old age. Dear! All my charagder id drippig out my node!
Mom asks why they're coming back inside. Dad tells her a ground ball bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin, still talking through a clogged nose, says his own Dad tried to kill him. His nose is bleeding. Mom tells him to hold his head back and use some tissues. Calvin says he's not playing baseball again. Dad says they can forget about having a millionaire baseball player supporting them in their old age. Calvin holds the tissues to his nose saying all his character is dripping out his nose.

ch900425: How's the nose? It finally stopped bleeding. I guess that means I have to go to school tomorrow. My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn the skills it takes to play a game I don't even want to play! Your nose is probably all clogged up now, huh? *snrkk* yeah, why? If you snore, I'm tilting the bed so you role out of the window. It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
Calvin tells Hobbes his nose stopped bleeding, so he'll have to go to school tomorrow. Calvin says his life's a disaster. He says he gets hurt learning the skills to play a game he doesn't want to. Hobbes asks if Calvin's nose is clogged, and Calvin says yes. Hobbes says if Calvin snores, he's going to tilt the bed so Calvin rolls out the window. Calvin is glad he has a sympathetic friend to talk to.

ch900426: I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that GIRLS don't have to put up with this nonsense. If a GIRL doesn't want to splay sports, that's fine! But if a GUY doesn't spend his afternoons chasing some stuped ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! On the other hand, BOYS aren't expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight. And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials!
Susie notices Calvin has a baseball glove. She asks if he signed up for recess baseball. Calvin tells her she's lucky girls don't have to put up with that nonsense. He says if a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine. If a guy doesn't want to chase some stupid ball, he's called a wimp. He says girls have it easy. Susie replies boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight.

ch900427: Mr Lockjaw? I'm Calvin. I'm supposed to be on team five now. Oh yes, you're the one who signed up late. Hmm... OK, you go play left field. Left field. OK, I know that. Let's see, if I'm HERE, then left field would be... That way. Play DEEP left field. I guess this is pretty dep.
Calvin reports to the coach. The coach sends him to deep left field. Calvin isn't sure where that is, so the coach points it out to him. Calvin goes so far he's in tall grass. He figures that is pretty deep.

ch900428: I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. I've been standing out here in deep left field all this time, and not a single ball has come out here! Actually, I suppose that's just as well. I don't know what base to throw to anyway. In fact, I'm not even sure I can throw that far. Hey, what's everyone doing? Are people switching teams, or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well, I'm sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different.
In the tall grass, Calvin complains that baseball is the most boring game in the world. He's been standing out there all this time, and not a single ball has come out to him. Then, he figures that's alright, because he doesn't know which base to throw it to. Calvin notices the teams exchanging positions. The guys at bat are now out in the field. Calvin is sure someone would tell him if he was supposed to be doing something different.

ch900429: Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Calvin returns home and remembers how Hobbes pounces on him. He gets an idea to make a broomstick Calvin to fool Hobbes. He sets the stick Calvin on the porch and calls "I'm home". Hobbes opens the door, grabs the fake Calvin, then asks if he can read Calvin's comic books. Calvin ties to open the door, but it's locked. He hears Hobbes ask to draw mustaches on all the superheroes. Calvin sits on the front porch saying he'll get him for this if it takes his whole life.

ch900430: Our hero, the fearless Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy! There's no hope of rescue from this bleak and isolated world! Oh, what a desolate place to be trapped! Spiff tries desparately to repair his disabled spacecraft! CRACK High fly to left field! Who's out there?! Our hero pauses. There's some commotion on the horizon. ALIENS! Spiff grabs his blaster!
Spaceman Spiff is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy. There's no hope of rescue from this bleak world. Spiff tries to repair his disabled spacecraft. CRACK! There's a fly ball to left field. Calvin says there is a commotion on the horizon. Aliens! Calvin says Spiff grabs his blaster.

ch900501: Where's the left fielder?! Somebody catch it! Left field?! Hey, that's ME! Wow! A high fly right to me! I got it! I got it! I caught it!! HE CAUGHT IT! IT'S AN OUT! WAP! I'm just a natural athlete, I guess. Hey, who's HE? Isn't he on the other team?
Shouts go out to the left fielder. Calvin realizes that's him. He runs up under the fly ball and makes the catch. It's an out! Calvin proudly brings the ball in saying he's a natural athlete. One of the kids asks who he is. Another one thinks Calvin is on the other team.

ch900502: Hey, look who made the out! It's CALVIN! Heck, it was nothing, guys. When you're in top physical condition like me, you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! It's a new inning! We're up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops, I dropped the catch. It doesn't count now, right? Get him off our team, Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please??
The batter notices Calvin was the one who caught it. Calvin walks up saying you can do that stuff when you're in top physical condition like he is. They explain to Calvin that it's a new inning, and his team is at bat. The batter complains Calvin got one of his own team out. He calls him a dweeb, a jerk, an idiot. Calvin tries to drop the ball then. His teammates want to coach to get him off the team. The batter wants to hit Calvin with the bat.

ch900503: Hey stupid, if you're going to get OUR guys out, why don't you join the other team?! What were you doing in the outfield? Don't you even know how to play?! C'mon guys, it's just a GAME! This is supposed to be fun! Games are only fun when you WIN, bonehead! You're gonna make us LOSE! If you screw up again, you're dead meat, Calvin! Who taught you how to play anyway? Your grandmother? Wait till I tell the other teams about THIS! Mr Lockjaw, I don't want to play any more. There's too much team spirit. OK, quitter! Goodbye.
Calvin's teammates continue to berate him. They say he should be on the other team if he's going to get them out. They say he doesn't know how to play. Calvin protests that it's a game and is supposed to be fun. One of the team says it's only fun if you win. They say he's dead meat if he screws up again. They ask if Calvin's grandmother taught him to play. Calvin walks up to the coach and says he doesn't want to play anymore. There's too much team spirit. The coach says "OK, quitter! Goodbye".

ch900504: I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I DIDN'T play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I STOPPED playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please ANYone. In that case, why not just please yourself? Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar.
Up in the tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't understand. When he didn't play, the other kids teased him. When he did play, the other kids teased him. Then the coach called him a quitter when he stopped playing. Calvin says unless you're a star, you can't please anyone. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just please himself. Calvin replies that Mom won't let him move to Madagascar.

ch900505: It's Saturday! What do you want to do? Anything but play an organized sport. Want to play Calvinball? YEAH! No sport is less organized than Calvinball! New rule! New rule! If you don't touch a 30-yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot!
Hobbes says it's Saturday and wants to know what Calvin wants to do. Calvin says anything but an organized sport. Hobbes asks if he wants to play Calvinball. Hobbes says no sport is less organized than Calvinball. Calvin calls a new rule. If you don't touch the 30 yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot.

ch900506: How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other
Calvin looks at his food and pokes it. It grabs a knife, and they fight. Calvin knocks the knife away. The food garbs a spoon, scoops itself and hits Calvin with it. SPLAT! Calvin runs away. Mom puts her hand on her head in frustration, while Calvin says not to blame him. He was the one who said they should call for a pizza.

ch900507: Today for "Show and Tell", I have a souvenir from the afterlife! Yes, you heard right! Equally amazing is my own story of yesterday afternoon, when I actually died of boredom! I was doing my homework, when I suddenly collapsed! I felt myself rising, and could see my crumpled body on the floor. I drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world! Eventually, my heart started again and I came back to life... but not before bringing THIS back! A yo-yo? It was pretty boring THERE, too. Let's have a look at that homework.
Calvin is in front of the class for "show and tell". He has a souvenir from the afterlife. He says it's as amazing as his story of yesterday afternoon, when he actually died of boredom. He says he was doing his homework when he collapsed. He felt himself rising and saw his crumpled body on the floor. He drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world. Eventually, his heart started again, and he came back to life. But he didn't come back before bringing his souvenir. He pulls out a yo-yo. He tells Miss Wormwood it was pretty boring there, also. She wants to look at his homework.

ch900508: And so, having eaten her fill, the mother bird returns to her nest... ...where she regurgitates the worms to feed her hungry brood.
Calvin is watching a nature show on TV. The show talks about the mother bird, having eaten her fill, returning to the nest to regurgitate the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is startled. At the dinner table, he looks at the plate of food Mom gives him with distrust.

ch900509: ...sighhhhhh... CALVIN, PAY ATTENTION! AUGH There's no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
Calvin is sitting at his desk. His head droops forward as he fights sleep. The teacher yells for him to pay attention. He lifts his head up. He says there's no head rest on his chair. He should sue for whiplash.

ch900510: Hey Mom, did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well, tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here, you may want these. Well, heh heh, gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid, you're next.
Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next.

ch900511: This time I'm really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
Calvin says this time, he's really going to learn how to ride his bicycle. He says balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two feet. Just as he says that, he trips. He tumbles forward, his shoe flying off. As he gets up, he says that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.

ch900512: I don't want to do my homework. I want to have FUN. TOO MUCH STRESS IS UNHEALTHY, YOU KNOW! I don't see why I had to come in.
Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He's sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands by him. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy.

ch900513: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an "F" on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better.

ch900514: I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it "effective time management", or "ETM" for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it "Effective Time Management", or "ETM" for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure.

ch900515: No I won't take a picture of you.
Armed with a flyswatter, Calvin chases a fly in the house. He swats it in mid-air, then picks it up. Mom tells him she will not take a picture of him holding his kill.

ch900516: KA ZAM! What?
Dad is reading in his chair when Calvin walks up to him. Calvin moves his arms and says KAZAM! Dad turns into a giant, alien bug. Calvin walks away while Dad asks what that was about.

ch900517: EWW! What IS this?! It looks like COMPOST! Mom doesn't appreciate me.
Mom is filling the shopping cart with groceries. She carries the three bags of food. She has pots and pans all over the kitchen preparing dinner. She serves a plate to Calvin, who says it looks like compost. Later, sitting at the table alone with his food, Calvin says Mom doesn't appreciate him.

ch900518: Hey Hobbes, what's a "paper tiger"? It's like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper route. Oh. This book makes no sense at all.
Calvin is reading a book and asks Hobbes what a "Paper Tiger" is. Hobbes explains that it's a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin continues to read, but says this book makes no sense at all.

ch900519: Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued.
Calvin asks Dad if he'd pay him a dollar to eat a bug. Dad says he'd have to eat a whole bucket of bugs before he'd pay him a dollar. Dad adds that Calvin could pick up sticks in the back yard for a dollar, if he'd prefer. Calvin, while picking up sticks, laments that his real skills are undervalued.

ch900520: Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute, what do you mean, "remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad, should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad, like to his car, hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was REAL bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could FIND the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. Que Pasa, Senorita? I am el fugitivo!
Spaceman Spiff zooms to the surface of Ahnooie-4. He sets off to search for sentient life. Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so stupid it just stares completely straight ahead, unaware of anything around it. Our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that Calvin's shooting spit balls. Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again. A giant creature comes up behind him.

ch900521: On a distant planet Zark, we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero, the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead, the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large, sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin, this is humiliating!! I don't want to go! Put me down!
On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go.

ch900522: Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens! What do they want with him? Spiff is soon to find out! Our hero is called before the alien potentate! ... where it becomes clear that Spiff is about to be sacrificed... ... to appease the evil god they call "nollij"! Up to the blackboard. Hurry up.
Calvin sits at his desk with teeth gritted. He says Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens. He wonders what they want with him. Spiff is called before the alien potentate. It becomes clear Spiff is going to be sacrificed....to appease the evil god they call "Nollij". Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to go to the blackboard.

ch900523: Staring death in the face, our hero thinks fast. Inching closer to the sacrificial pit, Spiff slowly and smoothly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt! YAA! All right, you bloodsucking mutant chromosomal disasters! Nobody move! I'm outta here! Calvin, give me that rubber band right this minute! I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
Calvin, looking at the math problem on the board, says our hero thinks fast. He slowly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt. He turns and tells the bloodsucking, mutant chromosomal disasters that he's out of there. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to give her the rubber band right this minute.

ch900524: Spiff escapes! The dank and smelly corridors of the alien fortress are deserted! All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise! The fearless space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit! Calvin, get back here! Spiff jumps into the cockpit, pressurises the launch thrusters, and... blasts off! Our hero is safe! Tomorrow: Or IS he??
Spiff escapes. The smelly corridors of the fortress are deserted. All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise. The space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit. Miss Wormwood yells for Calvin to come back to the room. Spiff jumps into his spacecraft and blasts off. He's safe!

ch900525: Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!
Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught.

ch900526: Boy, I sure got in big trouble TODAY! Mom hit the roof when she found out I just left school. What happened? She drove me back and we had to talk to my teacher AND the principal! They talked about study habits, and now I've got extra homework! Ooh. And Dad is going to check it every night to make sure it's done right! Can you believe it?! So try to do an extra good job now, OK? You're lucky tigers are so smart.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he got in trouble when Mom found out he had just left school. She drove him back, and they had a talk with his teacher and the principal. They discussed his study habits, and now he has extra homework. Dad's going to check it every night to make sure it's right. He hands the book to Hobbes and tells him to do an extra good job. Hobbes tells him he's lucky tigers are so smart.

ch900527: I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Calvinball. Calvin stole Hobbes' flag. Hobbes hit him with the Calvin ball. He has to sing the "I'm very sorry" song. Calvin protests he was in the "no song" zone. Hobbes corrects him, as he had touched the "opposite pole", so now the "no song zone" is a "song zone". Calvin complains that Hobbes didn't declare it. Hobbes says he declared it oppositely by not declaring it. Calvin starts singing, and Hobbes joins in. When they're finished, Calvin says he gets free passage to wicket five. Hobbes tells him they did that last time. Calvin makes up a new rule to jump until someone finds the bonus box. As they jump away, Calvin says the only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice. Hobbes says the score is "Q to 12".

ch900528: UFOs! Are they real?? Have they landed in our towns and neighborhoods? Do the chilling photographs by an amateur photographer really show a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter, or are the pictures an elaborate hoax? Listen to an expoert on space aliens speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry! All this and more... ...on Calvin's show and tell ... NEXT! Calvin, will you come here please?
Calvin stands in front of the class and asks if UFO's are real. He holds up pictures while asking if the amateur photographer got pictures of a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter. Or are they an elaborate hoax? He implores the class to listen to the space alien expert speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry. All this and more on Calvin's show and tell coming up next. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to come over to her.

ch900529: Twitching tufted tail, a toasty tawny tummy: a tired tiger. ... an alliterative haiku by Calvin. Thank you, thank you. Sheesh.
Hobbes is lying on the floor, sleeping. Calvin comes up and says "Twitching tufted tail, a toasty, tawny tummy: a tired tiger". He takes a bow for him alliterative haiku. Hobbes thinks "sheesh".

ch900530: You know how people look at modern art and always say, "My 6-year old kid could do that!"? Well, that gave me this great idea! I've decided to become a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums! A lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars now, so I make a pretty good hourly rate. You should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Ooh yeah, glad you caught that!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's heard people say modern art is something "my six-year-old kid could do that". Calvin has decided to be a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums. Since a lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars, he'll make a pretty good hourly rate. Hobbes tells him he should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Calvin is glad Hobbes caught that.

ch900531: "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it? You mean guns? No. Any violence at all? Um... not really. Any references to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Of course not! What makes you think I'll like this?
Dad starts reading a bedtime story. Calvin asks if the story has any shoot-ups in it. Dad says no. Calvin asks if it has any violence at all. Dad says of course not. Calvin asks Dad why he thinks Calvin will like the story.

ch900601: Hey Mom, want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda, I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin, I don't... But that's not all! At the same time, I'll also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.
Calvin asks Mom if she wants to see something neat. With his can of soda, he can burp for almost ten seconds straight. Mom doesn't think so. Calvin adds that at the same time, he'll recite a gross limerick he heard at school. Later, Hobbes wonders if it would have mattered if he recited the Gettysburg Address. Calvin says his talents are wasted on her kind.

ch900602: Well, look who's up! Good morning sleepyhead! You've missed the best part of the day! I've been up since 6:30 getting many things accomplished! At least when I have a day off, I can tell the difference. I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets.
Calvin walks toward Dad rubbing his eyes and yawning. Dad tells him he's missed the best part of the day. Dad says he's been up since 6:30, and he's gotten many things accomplished. Calvin walks off saying when he has a day off, he can tell the difference. Dad says he just knows some nurse switched the bassinets.

ch900603: Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Susie knocks on Calvin's door. Stupendous Man answers. Susie asks what he is doing. Calvin tells her he was just about to use his stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry. He says duty calls, so he slams the door on Susie. A bolt of crimson streaks across the sky. He's off to save the day. Susie returns home. Her mom asks if they had an egg she could borrow. Susie says no one was home.

ch900604: CLICK. Pander to me!
Calvin runs in and turns on the television. He sits on the floor and tells the TV to "pander to me".

ch900605: Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time, right? Yeah... but the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points on one disk move at two speeds, even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
Dad sees Calvin playing a record, so he decides to tell Calvin something interesting. He shows the point on the label and a point on the outer edge of the record. They make a circle at the same time. Dad says the point on the outside of the record has to travel faster because it makes a bigger circle. Two points on the same disk, moving at different speeds, even though they make the same revolutions per minute. Calvin lies awake in his bed at night, eyes wide open, trying to understand it.

ch900606: On your mark... get set... GO! I'M going so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning! That's cheating!
Calvin starts a race between him and Hobbes. They slowly move. Calvin moves ahead. Hobbes tells him that he's going so slow, he's going backward. He says he's winning. Calvin tells him he's cheating.

ch900607: Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin, is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you "Dad", OK? This isn't Calvin. Calvin, I've got work to do. I'll see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad asks if it's important. Calvin tells him to forget he called him "Dad". He says it's not Calvin. Dad tells him he has work to do and that he'll see him when he gets home. Calvin asks if he has any crimes to report. Standing in his Stupendous Man costume, Calvin says this secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.

ch900608: Want to see something cool? I've got a baby tooth that's just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? They're all just jealous.
Calvin shows Hobbes he has a baby tooth that's hanging on by a thread. Hobbes cringes. Calvin tells Mom that he can turn it all the way around with his tongue. Mom covers her mouth with her hands. Calvin shows Dad he can move the tooth from side to side. Dad covers his eyes and sticks his tongue out. Calvin looks in a mirror and says they're all just jealous.

ch900609: LOOK! I don't see anything. You missed it. Well, I'm done. What did he see? An opportunity.
At the dinner table, Calvin says "Look" and points to the side. When Mom looks over, Calvin dumps his dinner onto Mom's plate. Mom says she didn't see anything. Calvin tells her she missed it, and he's done eating. Dad looks over and asks what Calvin saw. Mom looks at her heaping plate and says "an opportunity".

ch900610: Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Calvin readies his sled for a trip down the hill. He tells Hobbes life is like topography. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure. He's dedicating himself to only experiencing peaks. He wants his life to be one never ending ascension. Each minute should bring greater joy than the previous minute. As they sail off the hill, Calvin is saying he's going to jump from peak to peak. Tumbling down, Hobbes says with flat places, you don't have so far to go down. Calvin says only losers go down. He's only going up and up.

ch900611: I don't feel so good. You don't look so good. Let me feel your forehead. Summer vacation started! I can't be sick! Your head's hot. I'll get the thermometer. NO! I REFUSE! FORGET IT! I HATE THERMOMETERS! I still don't believe her that these things take two hours to register. Now be nice and quiet and I'll check on you this afternoon.
Calvin tells Mom he doesn't feel so good. Mom agrees that he doesn't look good. She feels his forehead. Calvin says summer vacation started, and he can't be sick. Mom tells him she's going to get the thermometer. Calvin yells out that he refuses and that he hates thermometers. Mom puts one in his mouth. Calvin doesn't believe her when she says it takes two hours to register. Mom tells him to be nice and quiet, and she'll check on him in the afternoon.

ch900612: Ooh, I itch! This is worse than bug bites! Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy! COOL!
Calvin is scratching himself. He says it's worse than bug bites. As he keeps scratching, he says whatever it is drives him crazy. He pulls off his shirt and sees spots. Calvin thinks that's cool.

ch900613: Yep, that's chicken pox all right. CHICKEN pox?! Mom, what IS this guy? A veterinarian? The virus should run its course in about a week. He's mad! MAD, I say! I'll be the REAL doctor is tied up and gagged in the other exam room! He's extremely contagious, so keep him away from other kids. Sue him, Mom! Drive his malpractice insurance up! Calvin has to be INSIDE for a WEEK?? That's a nasty twitch you've developed. Hey Doc, for 10 bucks I'll make sure you see those kids in the waiting room again real soon!
The doctor tells Mom that Calvin has chicken pox. Calvin asks if he's a veterinarian. The doctor says it will run its course in about a week. Calvin complains that the doctor is mad. He accuses him of having the real doctor tied up and gagged in the other exam room. The doctor says Calvin is extremely contagious, so he needs to be kept from other kids. Calvin wants Mom to sue him and drive up his malpractice insurance. Horrified, Mom repeats that Calvin has to be inside for a week. The doctor notices a nasty twitch Mom has developed. Calvin offers, for ten dollars, to make sure the doctor sees all the kids in the waiting room again real soon.

ch900614: Hello? Hi Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy, I don't think you've EVER invited me to... Calvin, what are you doing? Nothing, Mom. Go away. You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He asks her if she'd like to come over and play. Susie says he's never invited her before. In the background, Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. He tells her to go away. Mom says he's contagious and can't have anyone over to play. Calvin says she's spoiling the whole thing. He was trying to trick Susie into catching his bug. The phone hangs up. Susie calls to her Dad to see if there's any chance of him transferring.

ch900615: You're absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox? Right. You're absolutely POSITIVE tigers can't catch chicken pox? Go to bed, Calvin.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox. Calvin says yes. Hobbes isn't so sure, so he shows his claws to Calvin. Calvin wakes Mom up to ask if she's absolutely positive tigers can't catch chicken pox.

ch900616: See, the chicken pox are going away. That's good. Well, just remember that this week doesn't count. Doesn't count? Right. Summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. I get to start school a week later now. So I get my full allotment of vacation. OK, what's the NEXT amendment say? I know it's in here someplace.
Calvin shows Mom his chicken pox are going away. He tells Mom to remember that this week doesn't count. Mom asks what he means. He says summer vacation days don't count if you're sick. So he gets to go to school a week later to get his full allotment of vacation. Calvin and Hobbes are looking at a book. Calvin asks what the next amendments says. He knows it's in there someplace.

ch900617: We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
Everything has turned neo-cubist. It started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a debate. Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue. Then Calvin began to see both sides of everything. The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned. Perspective has been fractured. The multiple views provide too much information. Calvin tries to eliminate all but one perspective. It works! The world falls into a recognizable order. He walks up to Dad and tells him he's still wrong.

ch900618: Can I be excused? There's a TV show I want to see. We're still eating dinner, Calvin. I'M through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. It's impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! I'll miss my show! Your TV show isn't as important as spending some time together as a family. We'll compromise. I'll go watch a sitcom family. In a minute you're going to discover the difference between those and rea