Calvin and Hobbes: 1988

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch880101: Whap! I'm glad to see you're inside. It's handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off.
Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off.

ch880102: My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind it's thick wall, I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! You're supposed to attack from that side of the fort, dummy!!
Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort.

ch880103: Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. I'm just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any resolutions for the new year. Calvin replies no. Calvin thinks he's fine as he is. In fact, he wants the world should change to suit him. He goes on to say he doesn't need to make changes, everyone else does. When he asks Hobbes if he made any resolutions, Hobbes replies that he was going to be less offended by human nature, but he thinks he's blown it already.

ch880104: I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what I'd like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold.
Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold.

ch880105: Help me figure out this homework problem, Hobbes. What's 3 + 8. Ok, assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply, so take the numerator (that's latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side, so what times three equals eight? The answer of course, is six. Gosh, I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me.
Calvin asks Hobbes for help on a math problem. Hobbes assigns the answer "x", which means multiply. So Hobbes then takes the numerator and puts it on the other side of the equation. Hobbes comes up with the answer. 3 + 8 = 6. Calvin thinks he must have done all the other problems wrong.

ch880106: Here's another math problem I can't figure out. What's 9 + 4? Ooh, that's a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know, eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and all those ... it's a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? You've never gone to school! Instinct, tigers are born with it.
Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it.

ch880107: It's freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesn't someone make a fire?! If we can't afford to heat this place, maybe dad should get a better job! Why can't we move to Florida?! Calvin, pipe down and put on a sweater if you're cold. And go to all that trouble?!
Calvin yells that it's freezing in the house, and that someone should turn up the thermostat. He keeps ranting that Dad should get a better job if they can't afford to heat the house. Maybe they should move to Florida. Someone tells him to pipe down. He should put on a sweater if he's cold. Calvin complains that he shouldn't have to go to all that trouble.

ch880108: I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesn't watch TV at all while I'm at school. So if we get home at 3:00, I should be able to watch it straight 'till 10:30, right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?!
Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says "wrong". Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average.

ch880109: Mom, the washer is done. Ok. Aren't you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin, can't you see I'm busy right now?? She says she's busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there aren't any towels.
Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels.

ch880110: Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.
Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it.

ch880111: Who's coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I don't remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure he's related? Maybe he's a con man trying to swindle us! Of course he's related. He's your dad's brother. He just hasn't been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens, Calvin. Now, now ... with Max, that's not a bad guess.
Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess.

ch880112: We're getting near the airport, Calvin. See the jets? How come you're so quiet back there? Aren't you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks I'm giving up my room while he's here.
The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting.

ch880113: It's great to see you, Max! It seems like ages since you've been here. I'll say. I didn't think it had been so long, until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid, what do you say? I say you'd better watch your step, 'cause I've got a live, man-eating tiger at home, and if I so much as wink, he'll rip your lungs out. cute kid, bro.
The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin "what do you say". Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks.

ch880114: And this is my room, Uncle Max. I don't know where you're sleeping, but it sure isn't here. Gotcha, nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldn't get too close if I was you. Don't worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death, that's what he's got. And a killer's yee. You can tell. I think I'll go downstairs. Ol' Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe he's related to dad. A killer's eye, he said. Wow! I wonder which one!
Calvin shows Uncle Max his room. Calvin mentions he doesn't know where Max is sleeping, but it isn't here. Max understands. Calvin shows Hobbes to Max and warns him not to get too close. Max agrees and says he can tell Hobbes is a fierce one. Calvin tells him Hobbes has mandibles of death. Max adds that Hobbes has a killer's eye, you can tell. He goes downstairs. Calvin thinks Uncle Max is pretty sharp. He finds it hard to believe Max is related to Dad.

ch880115: Hey! Hey, kid, what are you doing?! I'm going through your luggage. What's it look like I'm doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves, or did they just untie you for my visit? Didn't you bring me a present? I can't find one anywhere.
Max comes into his room to see Calvin doing something. Max asks what he's doing. Calvin looks at all the stuff from the luggage lying on the floor. He tells Max he's looking through his luggage. He asks what it looks like he's doing. Max wants to know if Mom and Dad raised him themselves or if they untied Calvin for the visit. Calvin asks if Max brought him a present, since he can't find one anywhere.

ch880116: Is this my place? Can't I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok, go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered, Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey, that's sweet.
Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands.

ch880117: I've got to go in. Another five minutes out here, and I'll be frozen solid. Ooh, I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill, so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Here's Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself, or what?
Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says "nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom". Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what.

ch880118: Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope, I'm not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he?
Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV.

ch880119: Boy, Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah, they're inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean, shouldn't he be playing with real friends? Oh, I think he will when he's ready. Didn't you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary.
Max is talking to Mom as they do the dishes. Max notices that Calvin takes Hobbes everywhere. Mom agrees that they're inseparable. Max asks if she worries that Calvin isn't playing with real friends. Mom says she figures he will when he's ready. She asks if Max ever had an imaginary friend. Max laments that sometimes he thinks all his friends have been imaginary.

ch880120: Uncle max, look! I'll show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok, first I'll need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No, it works much better with a twenty, or a fifty, if you have one. I take it you think your ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why, did Dad tell you how this works?
Calvin offers to show Max a magic disappearing trick. Calvin explains that he'll need a twenty-dollar bill. Max offers a nickel instead. Calvin says it works better with a twenty or a fifty, if he has one. Max crouches down by Calvin and tells him he must think ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Calvin asks if Dad told him how this works.

ch880121: When are you going back home, Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee, I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! You're all right, Calvin. Mom's a lot more patient with me in front of guests.
Calvin asks Uncle Max when he's going home. Max tells him tomorrow. Calvin says he wishes Max could stay forever. Max says that's a nice thing to say and says Calvin is alright. Calvin says Mom is a lot more patient with him in front of guests.

ch880122: Well, so long, Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok, fella? Heck, I'll come right now! So long, Mom! Bye, Dad! Calvin, get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We could've bought him a ticket. Well.
Everyone is saying goodbye to Max at the airport. Max tells Calvin to come visit him sometime. Calvin decides he'll go right then. Mom grabs Calvin. Dad tells her she missed her chance. They could have bought Calvin a ticket.

ch880123: Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air!
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers.

ch880124: Seven, eight, nine, net! That's my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You can't just take money from the bank! You've got hotels on every piece of property you own. I can't afford to pay you, so I'm sticking up the bank, it's a robbery! You can't do that! I'm the banker, right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules don't say you can rob the bank. That's cheating. Do the rules say you can't rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events, ok? Ok, if that's how we're playing, then I'm robbing you! Ha! I'll steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well, I'm taking all the houses and hotels, and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250,000! That's what you think you, you. Isn't it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno, I overheard him using words he didn't learn in this household.
Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household.

ch880125: Aaghh, I can't believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is you'd better do a great job! I don't want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? What's wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not!
Calvin can't believe he has to do an assignment with Susie. Susie warns him about doing a great job. She doesn't want to flunk because she got a doofus for a partner. Calvin reminds her that she picks her sandwiches apart and eats the ingredients separately. Susie wants to know what's wrong with that. Calvin says that makes her a grade "A" nimrod. Susie yells that it does not.

ch880126: Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says "Oh, right. You're too smart". Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his.

ch880127: So what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! I'm not going to do this whole thing myself! You'd probably goof it all up if you did. Let's get started. Yes! Let's! I'll be the management, and you can be the labor. First, get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners?
Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies "nothing". She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners.

ch880128: What are you doing?! You're doodling! You're sitting here drawing martians when we're supposed to be researching! You haven't done anything yet! Don't you care?? What's the matter with you?! It's no use! We're going to flunk! I'll have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here, this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch, you can see him eat an astronaut!
Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out "Why me". Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages.

ch880129: Look, bird brain, you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ... well, what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate.
Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate.

ch880130: Calvin, telephone! Why aren't you at the library?!?
Calvin is out sledding. He's called to the telephone. He runs in, takes off his boots, and picks up the phone. Susie yells at him "Why aren't you at the library".

ch880131: Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that it's not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! It's a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover, but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster, but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorg's cave, where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiff's mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Don't you want to lean way, way over, and test how hot the water is?
Spaceman Spiff walks along the planet's terrain. The ground begins to shake. It's a Zorg. Spiff runs for cover, but the Zorg is upon him. The blaster has no effect. Spiff is taken to the Zorg's cave, where there is a vat of boiling water. He's about to be cooked alive. Mom tells Calvin to get into the bathtub. Calvin asks if she doesn't want to lean way, way over and test how hot the water is.

ch880201: We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And I'll bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin.
Susie reminds Calvin they do their report today. She asks if he did his half. Calvin indignantly replies that he did. He's sure his half will make Susie's half look pathetic. She warns him "It had better be good...or else". Calvin sits down and starts to write his report. He titles it "The Planet Mercury - an exhaustively researched report by Calvin".

ch880202: ... and so, the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world, the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury, here's my partner Calvin. Thank you, thank you! Hey, what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really, I mean that! Go on, give yourselves a hand! You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isn't my fault, Miss Wormwood!
Susie finishes her part of the report and tells the class Calvin will talk about the mythology of Mercury. Calvin thanks the crowd, says they look good, tells them to give themselves a hand. He then tells the class a funny thing happened to him on the way to the library. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that this isn't her fault.

ch880203: The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets, which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I can't imagine. ... um back to you, Susie.
Calvin tells the class the planet Mercury was named after a Roman god with winged feet. He says Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets. That's why he's the registered trademark of FTD florists. Calvin offers that he has no idea why they named a planet after the guy. Calvin quickly adds "Back to you, Susie" as he sees her coming toward him with fist cocked.

ch880204: Boy, you should've seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. I've never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck, no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez, you think Susie was mad.
Calvin tells Hobbes sparks flew when he did his presentation. Calvin has never seen Susie that mad. He tells Hobbes she accused him of not doing research and making up the whole thing. Hobbes asks if that's what he did. Calvin says he only took a few creative liberties. Hobbes wonders why Mom was called for a few creative liberties.

ch880205: Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?
Calvin goes outside into the cold. He gets a funny look on his face. He grabs his nose. He asks "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze".

ch880206: Here we are, overlooking suicide gulch, about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid, I hope. Because it's there!
Calvin and Hobbes are on their toboggan, overlooking Suicide Gulch, ready to hurl themselves at breakneck speed on a sled that hardly steers. They're looking death in the eye. Calvin asks why they do it. Hobbes offers "because we get paid, I hope". Calvin says "because it's there".

ch880207: I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes.
Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie.

ch880208: Look, Hobbes, the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck, no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you don't like the color of your bedspread. Well, you just zap it, and presto, it's an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesn't have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose mom's getting on our nerves, for instance.
Calvin shows Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. Hobbes looks at it and asks "A water pistol". Calvin tells him it's the new, improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you just point at whatever you want to transmogrify. Calvin gives an example of not liking the color of your bedspread and presto, it's an iguana. Hobbes can imagine the myriad of uses of a hand-held iguana maker.

ch880209: How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit, and turns the object into whatever you want. That's amazing. Well, it took me all morning to invent. So say I'm thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where you're pointing that! Watch where you're pointing that!
Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies "telepathy". The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun.

ch880210: Ok, let's test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl, so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. I'll terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. What's a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No, no! it's a big flying dinosaur! Don't shoot me if you don't know what it is!!
Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes. Hobbes doesn't know what a pterodactyl is. Hobbes asks if it's a bug. Calvin tells him it's a big flying dinosaur, but tells him not to shoot if he doesn't know what it is.

ch880211: A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl, you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? It's almost lunchtime. Oh, I see well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hotdog!
Hobbes changes Calvin into a chicken. Calvin yells at Hobbes. He was supposed to change him into a pterodactyl. Calvin, the chicken, asks why he thought of a chicken instead of a pterodactyl. Hobbes says it was because it was almost lunchtime. Calvin continues to badger Hobbes by saying that he's glad Hobbes wasn't hungry for a hot dog.

ch880212: Here's the transmogrifier gun. Now try again, and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok, here you go. Well, now that's more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didn't why?
Calvin, the chicken, gives the gun back to Hobbes and tells him to try again. He says he wants to be a pterodactyl. ZAP! Calvin proudly looks at himself. He says that's more like it. We see Calvin as a minuscule pterodactyl next to Hobbes. Calvin asks when Hobbes turned himself into a 200-foot-tall colossus. Hobbes says he didn't, why?

ch880213: You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My, aren't you the cranky one today? By golly, I'll show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You, my friend just made a big mistake.
Now Calvin complains that he's a tiny pterodactyl. Hobbes says big dinosaurs give him the willies. Calvin asks how he's going to terrorize the neighborhood like that. Hobbes accuses him of being cranky today. Calvin grabs the gun and says he'll show Hobbes. ZAP! Hobbes, the duck, says Calvin just made a big mistake.

ch880214: There! Now we're both transmogrified. We're even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasn't at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fair's fair. Ok, I'll take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great, just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes, huh? Well I hope Calvin is you, because his mom's going to have a fit when she sees this.
They bicker with each other. Hobbes grabs the transmogrifier gun and says he'll fix Calvin up right. ZAP! He turns Calvin into a big pig. Outraged, Calvin turns Hobbes into a monkey. Insulted, Hobbes zaps Calvin into a flower. Hobbes gets zapped into being an alligator. ZAP! Calvin is now an aardvark. Much later, they rest. Calvin is an owl, and Hobbes is a purple monster. The owl can't remember who is who. The purple monster tells him he hopes Calvin is the owl, because his Mom is going to have a fit when she sees this.

ch880215: Look, I'll transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid, ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh, that's much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. What's wrong?? I'm not transmogrifying! Boy, I'm glad we did me first.
They agree to change each other back to their original selves. Calvin, the owl, zaps the purple monster back into Hobbes. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin and....click...click...click. Calvin says he's not changing. Hobbes is glad they did him first.

ch880216: What's wrong with the transmogrifier? Why won't it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Don't tell me I'm stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh, I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know you're going to eat it?
Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it.

ch880217: Hi, mom, I'm an owl. You don't look like a very happy owl. Nope. I'm not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I don't like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I don't like mice. I heard you. It's tomato.
Calvin trudges into the house and tells Mom that he's an owl. Mom says he doesn't look like a very happy owl. Mom suggests maybe some lunch would help. Calvin doubts it, he doesn't like mice. Mom gives him some soup. He asks if it's mouse soup. He doesn't like mice. Mom tells him she heard him, and that the soup is tomato.

ch880218: What am I going to do Hobbes? I can't be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. It's not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually it's probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before, but little boys don't smell so good.
Calvin is complaining that he can't be an owl forever. He asks Hobbes how he'll change back with the transmogrifier gun broken. Hobbes suggests he should just accept the predicament. He says it's probably better Calvin is an owl instead of a kid. Calvin shouts and wonders how it could be better. Hobbes tells him he didn't know how to bring it up before, but little boys don't smell so good.

ch880219: I've got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if I'm an owl?! Oh, no. I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my, what a wonderful day!
Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day".

ch880220: Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok?
Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes.

ch880221: No text
Calvin is getting dressed to go outside. He puts his scarf on, his jacket, hat and boots. Out the door he goes. He stops, comes back in. He takes off his hat, scarf, jacket and boots. Into the bathroom he goes.

ch880222: Ding dong. I'll get it. Hobbes quick, close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! It's Rosalyn!
The doorbell rings, and Calvin comes down the stairs to get it. He peeks out the window, then turns in horror. He calls for Hobbes to help him close the curtains and prop furniture against the door....it's Rosalyn.

ch880223: Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I don't have any guns. What's the problem? Rosalyn's here and she won't go away! Why on earth don't you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Don't you remember? I told you that this morning? You just don't pay attention. That's why you never know what's going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?!
Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.

ch880224: Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong.
Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times.

ch880225: Come in, Rosalyn! I'm sorry! We didn't realize Calvin hadn't let you in. That's ok. It wasn't too cold and wet out. We're late, help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldn't get it open. Bed.
Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed.

ch880226: Hey, don't fix that for dinner! Didn't Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? It's doctor's orders! Oh, I'd better call your doctor then! Oh, no she called my bluff! The doctor's gonna be furious! Boy, are we going to get ti! We? I'm dialing! Hello, doctor? I'm calling about Calvin's dietary needs. ... at the tone, the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news, Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No, he didn't. did he? What's castor oil?
Calvin tells Rosalyn that he's on a strict Big Mac diet, doctor's orders. Rosalyn says she better call the doctor. Calvin is worried that Rosalyn will call the doctor and find he's lying. Rosalyn pretends to call the doctor's office and asks about Calvin's dietary needs. Rosalyn tells Calvin the doctor says he should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. Calvin is glad the doctor wasn't angry, but he doesn't know what castor oil is.

ch880227: Mom doesn't set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isn't the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. I'm not your mom, all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself, and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you, you nasty ol' barracuda. I can't believe I postponed a date for this.
Calvin complains about the way Rosalyn set the table for dinner. The food smells funny, and it isn't fixed the way Mom does it. He likes the way Mom does it better. Rosalyn yells to Calvin that she's not his Mom. Calvin says Mom loves him more than life itself. She lets him do whatever he wants. Calvin calls Rosalyn a nasty ol' barracuda. Rosalyn can't believe she postponed a date for this.

ch880228: My dad is a big ... hey! I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist.
Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman.

ch880229: I'll get it. I think it's for me. Hello? Hi Charlie, thanks for calling. Yeah, this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie, this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriend's a sadistic kid-hater! Don't ever marry her! She'd be a terrible mother! She, uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you, he'll thank me!
The phone rings, and Rosalyn answers it. It's her boyfriend, Charlie. She starts telling him Calvin is driving her up the wall. Calvin gets on the upstairs extension and tells Charlie that Rosalyn is a sadistic kid-hater. He warns Charlie not to marry her, she'd be a terrible mother. Calvin, after being sent to bed, yells that after Charlie dumps her, he'll thank Calvin.

ch880301: Rosalyn sent us to bed and it's not even our bedtime yet! We've got to escape. Here's the plan: you start moaning, and when Rosalyn comes in. I'll throw this blanket over her. We'll tie her up and make our getaway, got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn, come quick! There's something wrong with Hobbes! Right, Calvin. What should I do, call a vet? No, just come up here and close your eyes.
Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes.

ch880302: We're home! Hi, Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh, that bad, eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night, thanks again. She's got a real racket going, doesn't she? What do you want to do, stay home ever night until Calvin's eighteen?
Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks how Calvin was that evening. Rosalyn is standing with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Mom pays Rosalyn and thanks her. She gives a five dollar advance on the next time. Dad comments that Rosalyn has a nice racket going. Mom asks if he'd rather stay home every night until Calvin's eighteen.

ch880303: Hey, Calvin, guess what we're doing in gym today. We're wrestling! Next period you'll be so covered with mat burns you'll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then, twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.
Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch.

ch880304: Kapwinggg! It's Calvin, the human light particle! In the blink of an eye, he's 165,000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope!
It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face.

ch880305: Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. That's when you eat all the leftover milk that's all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me.
Calvin is eating his "Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs". He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it.

ch880306: It's freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey, you're on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah, well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my side's all cold! Well, don't get me cold! Move over. Sure, you've got a fur coat! I'm just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets, willya? I hardly have any, you hot! Gimmie those! You're letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right, Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what it's like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers, fuzz ball! Move over. You're getting my side all hot. Open the window, I'm roasting.
Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting.

ch880307: Hey, Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? It's a very special time! Oh boy, oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes, yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! It's your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby, complaining that their kids never write, call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.
Dad tells Calvin to guess what time it is. He says it's a very special time. Calvin gets enthused and wants to know what time it is. Dad tells him it's his bath time. Sitting in the tub, Calvin tells Hobbes that letters to Dear Abby where kids never write or visit their old parents really crack him up.

ch880308: I hate being a kid. Somebody's always telling you what to do or what not to do. Do this! Stop that! Day after day. You're lucky you're a tiger. Well, we try to stay humble, but lord knows it's hard. I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out.
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He says he hates being a kid. Calvin explains that someone is always telling him what to do or what not to do. He tells Hobbes he's lucky he's a tiger. Hobbes says they try to be humble, but it's hard. Calvin wonders if he can grow fangs when his baby teeth fall out.

ch880309: I wish I was a tiger. A common lament. I've got an idea! You can teach me to be a tiger! I've got some red sleepers I can wear! Hang on! See? We can make a tail by stuffing a knee sock and pinning it on my rear! Then you can draw stripes on my face! Hmm ... what about fur and whiskers? I haven't shaved for six years. I seem to be cursed with a thin beard.
Calvin gets out of the tub complaining that he's not a tiger. Hobbes tells him that's a common lament. Calvin wants Hobbes to teach him to be a tiger. He has some red sleepers he can wear. Calvin will put a stuffed knee sock on for a tail. Hobbes asks about fur and whiskers. Calvin mentions that he hasn't shaved in six years, so he seems cursed with a thin beard.

ch880310: Gee, I'm getting more like a tiger every minute. Hold still while I draw stripes. How do I look? It's some improvement. Rowrr rrghgh rawrr. I dunno, you're still lacking something tigger-ish. Panache. That's it. Wiat, I've got some plastic vampire fangs I can put in!
Hobbes draws stripes on Calvin. Hobbes says he's looking better. Calvin practices a roar. Hobbes thinks Calvin is missing something tiger-ish, panache. Calvin runs off to get some plastic vampire fangs.

ch880311: That's great, Hobbes! I'm a tiger! Well, being a tiger is more than just stripes, you realize. Kind of a zen thing, huh? You have to think like a tiger. Yowwow, I'm hungry! What's for dinner? How's that? Har har. Do you want me to teach you anything or not?
Calvin looks into a mirror and declares himself a tiger. Hobbes reminds him being a tiger is more than having stripes. Hobbes tells him he has to think like a tiger. Calvin hollers that he's hungry and asks what's for dinner. Hobbes doesn't think that was funny and asks Calvin if he wants Hobbes to teach him anything or not.

ch880312: Ok, we're tigers. We're out in the wilderness. Teach me how to survive. Let's say we're hiding up in a tree. Our keen tiger eyes and noses detect some prey nearby. What do we do? I suppose it would depend on what kind of prey it was. I don't care pick something. Well, if it's a box of rigatoni noodles, first you would go put on some water ...
As they walk in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes to teach him to survive. Calvin gives him a scenario. They're in a tree, and they detect prey. What would they do? Hobbes says it depends on what the prey was. Calvin tells him to pick something. Hobbes says that if it was a box of rigatoni noodles, you'd go put on some water.

ch880313: The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendon-snapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him.
The tyrannosaurus sinks his teeth into the triceratops. The king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar. The monster begins its feast. It severs limbs and snaps tendons. Mom and Dad tell Calvin to chew slower and quieter. The terrible tyrannosaurus continues eating, mortified that someone might see him.

ch880314: Hobbes, you're supposed to be teaching me how to be a tiger. We've been sitting in this dumb tree all morning and you haven't taught me how to hunt or anything! It's instinct. You can't teach that. Well, if you won't help, I'll just go look up tiger in the encyclopedia. As long as we're going in, let's fix some soup and sandwiches, ok? You know what you are? A disgrace, that's what.
Sitting on a tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he's supposed to be teaching him how to be a tiger. They've been sitting in the tree all day, and Hobbes hasn't shown Calvin how to hunt or anything. Hobbes says it's instinct, which you can't teach. Calvin suggests looking up "tiger" in the encyclopedia. Hobbes hops down and says that since they're going inside, they should fix some soup and sandwiches. Calvin calls Hobbes a disgrace.

ch880315: This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True, very true. Secretive? Oh, sure! You wouldn't believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I can't tell you, they're secrets. You can tell me! I won't blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy, if you only knew! Mm-mm!
The encyclopedia says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. Hobbes tells him he wouldn't believe some of the secrets he knows. Calvin asks what they are. Hobbes won't tell, since they're secrets. Calvin promises not to blab and begs Hobbes to tell him. Hobbes hints they are big secrets, secret secrets, if only Calvin knew.

ch880316: I don't believe you even have a secret. That's right, I don't. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why can't you tell me? It's about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! I've said too much already.
Calvin doesn't even believe Hobbes has a secret, and Hobbes agrees that he doesn't. Calvin says that Hobbes really does and again begs Hobbes to tell him. Calvin asks why Hobbes won't tell him, and Hobbes says the secret is about him. That just makes things worse as Calvin grabs Hobbes' leg and wails for him to tell the secret. Hobbes says he's said too much already.

ch880317: If you won't tell me your secret, I won't be your friend anymore. I'll give you a hint, how's that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if he doesn't tell the secret, Calvin will stop being Hobbes' friend. Hobbes offers a hint, "the flea market". Calvin asks what kind of a hint is that. Then Hobbes asks if Calvin knows how his parents got him. Calvin starts to answer, but stops and asks what Hobbes is saying. Hobbes won't give any more hints.

ch880318: I don't believe your dumb ol' secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. It's true. It is not, and if all your secrets are lies, you can just keep them to yourself. You just don't want to hear how little you went for. Oh, hush up. This book also says tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on one's nerves. A nickel. That's how much you cost.
Calvin doesn't believe Hobbes' secret. He says if all Hobbes' secrets are lies, he can keep them to himself. Hobbes taunts that Calvin just doesn't want to hear how little he went for. Calvin reads in the book that tigers won't share their territory with other tigers. Calvin can see how tigers would get on each others' nerves. Hobbes tells him he cost a nickel.

ch880319: This book says tigers are territorial and won't share their ground with other tigers. I guess we'd better divide up the woods then. This will be my territory, and that will be yours. This rock will separate our two sides. As another tiger, you are hereby banished from this side of the rock. Ha ha ha! Look what I'm doing! You cut that out!
Calvin decides that since tigers don't share their territory, they had better split up the woods. A big rock separates their two territories. Calvin proclaims that Hobbes is hereby banished from Calvin's side of the rock. Hobbes reaches over the rock and touches the side. He taunts Calvin by saying look what he's doing. Calvin shouts for him to cut that out.

ch880320: Uh oh, I'll bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know I'll sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! I'm home! I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Calvin comes home from school. He knows Hobbes is waiting to pounce on him when he opens the door. He decides to sneak around the back and surprise Hobbes. He enters the house and sees Hobbes waiting. Calvin comes up behind Hobbes and yells that he's home. Hobbes jumps up, startled, eyes bulging. Calvin walks off all scratched up saying he's got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

ch880321: My side of the woods is abound in natural scenic splendor. Your side wallows in decay and filth. My territory is infinitely superior to yours. Your side is smaller. Hey!
Calvin brags that his side of the woods abounds with natural scenic splendor. He says Hobbes' side wallows in decay and filth. Again, he proclaims his side superior to Hobbes'. Hobbes rolls the big rock over once and tells Calvin that his side is now smaller. Calvin protests.

ch880322: I'm hungry. Well, you can't catch anything in my territory. That's what the book says. What do tigers eat in the wild anyway? They catch big gross caterpillars like that one. Ewww. It's got little spikes all over him. Tigers really eat these? By the truckload. They're great. Let me see the book. Who are you going to believe, some silly writer or a real tiger?
Calvin says that he's hungry, but Hobbes says he can't catch anything in his territory. Calvin wonders what tigers eat in the wild. Hobbes tells him big caterpillars. Calvin asks whether tigers really eat them, and Hobbes tells him they eat them by the truckload. Calvin asks to see the book, but Hobbes asks if he's going to believe a silly writer or a real tiger.

ch880323: So far, I haven't had much fun as a tiger. I thought we'd be romping around the woods like we always do, but it turns out tigers don't share their territories with other tigers! So here we are, sitting on opposite sides of a big rock. What a blast. Being a tiger just isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's not the half of it. It says here we're an endangered species!
Calvin hasn't had much fun being a tiger. He thought they'd romp through the woods like they always do, but the book says tigers don't share their territories with other tigers. So they sit, on opposite sides of a big rock. Calvin says being a tiger isn't all its cracked up to be. Hobbes says Calvin doesn't know the half of it. He tells Calvin that tigers are an endangered species.

ch880324: We're endangered? It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt. That's awful. I'll say. No offense, but I think I'll go back to being a kid again. This explains why I don't meet many babes.
Hobbes reads that tigers nearly faced extinction, and their future remains in doubt. Calvin says that's awful, and Hobbes agrees. They both think for a bit. Calvin says he thinks he'll go back to being a kid again. Hobbes says this explains why he doesn't meet many babes.

ch880325: I'm home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid.
Calvin steps off the school bus and comes into the house. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on him. Out the door they fly. Calvin ends up on his back, with his feet up on a tree. Hobbes asks if he's glad to see him. Calvin replies he'd love to be a latchkey kid.

ch880326: I'm home! Wham! You'll notice I didn't say I was inside.
Calvin comes to the front door and yells that he's home. WHAM! The front door shakes. Calvin opens the door to see Hobbes holding his head. Calvin informs Hobbes that "you'll notice I didn't say I was inside".

ch880327: A red spaceship? On the monitor, your vileness. It's that infernal Spaceman Spiff! Open fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! He aims for planet Mok, hoping to find a reputable body shop. We join our hero after a crash landing on the hostile planet Mok. Ominous figures appear in the horizon. The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher, but he is hopelessly outnumbered! Surrounded, our hero is taken prisoner, and carried to a subterranean dungeon! Still, won't talk, eh, Spiff? We'll see about that! You'll never get anything from me, space squid! You had your chance, earthling! Take him to the interrogation room and wash his hair! Aaugh! You got soap in my eyes on purpose! Sinister fiend! If you'd stop thrashing around, maybe it wouldn't happen!
Spaceman Spiff crash lands on the planet Mok. Ominous figures appear on the horizon. He fires his death ray zorcher, but he's outnumbered. He's taken prisoner and taken to a dungeon. Spiff won't talk to the creatures. One of them orders Spiff taken to the interrogation room and to have his hair washed. Mom is trying to bathe Calvin. He tells the sinister fiend she got soap in his eyes on purpose. Mom replies it might not happen if he'd stop thrashing around.

ch880328: Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible, Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! He's ... he's alive! Well, look who's up and about. Hello, sleepyhead.
Thunder rumbles, and lightning flashes. Calvin has been sewn together from corpses. A power surge forces blood to his brain. He's....he's alive! Calvin sleepily walks by Mom and Dad at the table.

ch880329: Calvin wakes up staring into the eyes of a big frog. Seeing Calvin awake, the frog scrambles down and forces open Calvin's mouth! Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian instantly slides in and is swallowed! How disgusting! I don't feel good. You sound awful. You've got a frog in your throat.
Calvin wakes up staring at a big frog. The frog scrambles down and forces Calvin's mouth open. Calvin tries to fight, but the slippery amphibian slides in and is swallowed. Calvin lies in bed saying he doesn't feel good. Mom says he sounds awful. He's got a frog in his throat.

ch880330: Calvin the elephant wanders the African plain. At five tons, he is the largest land animal! His deafening call shatters the early morning tranquility!
Calvin, the elephant, wanders the African plain. He is the largest land mammal. His deafening call shatters the early-morning tranquility. Calvin is sitting atop Dad, who's sleeping in bed. Calvin gets ready to blow a trumpet.

ch880331: I read that a cheetah can run 65 miles an hour, can tigers run that fast? Of course. Really? Let's see you do it. Oh, I can't now. Yeah? Why not? I'm not wearing my drag chute.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he read cheetahs can run 65 miles an hour. He asks if tigers run that fast. Hobbes replies "of course". Calvin wants to see. Hobbes says he can't do it now. When Calvin asks why not, Hobbes replies he's not wearing his drag chute.

ch880401: Why do you suppose we're here? Because we walked here. No, no. I mean here on Earth. Because Earth can support life. No, I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist? Because we were born. Forget it. I will, thank you.
Sitting under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes why they're here. Hobbes replies that they walked there. Calvin is referring to why they are on earth. Hobbes tells him because earth can support life. Calvin tries to clarify. He wonders why they even exist. Hobbes says because they were born. Calvin gives up and tells Hobbes to forget it.

ch880402: Saturday is the best day of the week. No demands at all! Perfect freedom! The whole day stretches before us with unlimited opportunity! And what better way to appreciate that opportunity than by squandering it watching cartoons all day!
Calvin says Saturday is the best day of the week. There are no demands, he says. He and Hobbes go to the sofa. The day stretches before him with unlimited opportunity. What better way to appreciate that opportunity than squandering it by watching cartoons all day.

ch880403: Will you get me a glass of water? You just had one. I want one to keep by the bed, so I can douse this guy if he starts snoring. Good night, Calvin. Hee hee hee. Oh, great he's dreaming again. Sniff. Where do you think you are, you imbecile? Out in the jungle? Mm ... heh heh. If he starts running he's gonna get a pillow in the kisser. Sniff. Hey! Where are you going? Somnambulists give me the creeps. Why are we going to the kitchen? Calvin! What are you doing? Have you been sleepwalking? I was completely awake! It's this dope who's sleepwalking! I just followed him. I put him back to bed, he couldn't give any reason for being up. Do you suppose it means anything? Look, he got out all the tuna!
Hobbes is giggling in his sleep. Calvin wakes up and notices Hobbes is dreaming. Hobbes sniffs, and Calvin wonders if Hobbes thinks he's in the jungle. Calvin is prepared to smack Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes crawls out of bed and heads downstairs. Calvin follows him and wonders why they're going to the kitchen. Dad turns on the light and asks if Calvin was sleepwalking. Calvin says he was wide awake, but Hobbes is the dope who's sleepwalking. Dad explains to Mom that he put Calvin back to bed, and he had no reason for being up. Mom notices that he had gotten out all the tuna in the house.

ch880404: Ahh! Lunch, my favorite meal! And today's lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm I've been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. I'll call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me, Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?
Calvin and Susie are at the cafeteria table. Calvin tells her his lunch is extra special. He explains he's been swatting flies and putting them in a jar. He got enough to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. He calls it "bug butter" and offers Susie a taste. Susie looks at Calvin and asks if he has any friends at all.

ch880405: Ok, you've all read the chapter, so who can tell me what's important about the battle of Lexington? Anyone? Calvin, how about you? Hard to say, ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.
Miss Wormwood asks the class what the importance of the Battle of Lexington is. Calvin is sitting at his desk when Miss Wormwood asks for anyone to answer. She calls on Calvin, who is shocked and horrified. His hair stands on end, and his eyes bulge. He replies that it's hard to say. He thinks his cerebellum just fused.

ch880406: Hey Mom, can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight, dear. Aw, Mom! Why not? Because I'm already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows.

ch880407: Why does the sun set? It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear!
Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies "solar wind". Mom yells at Dad.

ch880408: I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. What's the matter, don't you like games??
Calvin asks Hobbes to guess the number he's thinking of. It's between one and seven hundred billion. Hobbes guesses eleven. Calvin tells him to guess again. This time he tries six million and four. Wrong again. When Calvin tells him to guess again, Hobbes leaves. Calvin yells after him, "Don't you like games".

ch880409: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh, I do. Really? How come? Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes destinies are determined by the stars. Hobbes doesn't, but Calvin does. When asked why, Calvin replies that life is more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.

ch880410: Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room, please? I'd like to get off.
Hobbes is sleeping. As he awakens, he notices his tail twitching. He gets ready to pounce on it. He leaps. Around and around Hobbes goes trying to catch his tail. Exhausted, Hobbes lies on his back. Calvin tells him that despite his display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, his tail still has a death grip on his butt. Head spinning, Hobbes asks Calvin to stop the room, he'd like to get off.

ch880411: Your polls, dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high, the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like.
Calvin tells Dad his poll results are down again. Calvin explains that though his recognition factor is high, scandals continue to haunt him. Dad wonders what scandals Calvin is talking about. Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate are mentioned. Dad isn't worried. He calls them instances of true leadership. History will vindicate him. Calvin isn't so sure and wonders what his new Dad will look like.

ch880412: You'll be glad to know I've analyzed your poor showing in the polls. I'll bet. See, your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign, it's you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad, I call it.
Calvin has analyzed Dad's poor poll showing. Calvin says Dad's record in office is terrible, and the character issue is killing him. Dad's approval rating among six-year-olds barely registers. Calvin says Dad needs a slick ad campaign. Calvin calls it "The New Dad".

ch880413: I think the image we need to create for you is repentant, but learning. You know, show some humility, and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time, he'll do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in '88. I get the idea, Calvin.
Calvin wants to create a "repentant, but learning" image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. "Dad - Gradually, he catches on" and "Vote Dad! This time he'll do better" are offered. Dad gets the idea.

ch880414: If you want to stay Dad, you've got to polish your image. My image. Right, see, now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your mind's gone blank, I have some suggestions. Oh, the suspense. For example, you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory.
Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory.

ch880415: Much as I appreciate your offer, I don't need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case, you'll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. We'll see. Now it's past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night.
Dad doesn't think he needs an image consultant. Dad prefers to let the wisdom of his words and deeds speak for themselves. Calvin thinks that means Dad will have plenty of time to write his memoirs. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin offers dire headlines, "Dad buried in landslide", "Stunned father inconsolable - demands recount", "Jubilant throngs fill streets".

ch880416: Eight, nine, ten! Here I come, ready or not! All right, give 'em back!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books.

ch880417: I call this 'lookout' hill. Yes, you can certainly see far from up here. I call it 'lookout' hill because that's what you yell whenever we go down it. You know, sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. It's like ... it's like ... It's like what? It's like SOMEthing ... I just can't think of it.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says "it's like..." as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says "it's like something, but he can't think of it".

ch880418: Here I am, waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college, then maybe graduate school, and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. That's when I watch TV.
Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV.

ch880419: Look, Hobbes, I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow, a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here, you put those pieces together, and I'll do these. Then we'll stick yours on mine, OK? Shouldn't we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy?
Calvin got a model airplane and asks Hobbes to help him make it. It's a model of a Phantom jet. Hobbes notices all the small pieces. Calvin gives Hobbes half the pieces. He tells him to put those together, and he'll do the same with his half. Then, they'll stick the two parts together. Hobbes asks if they shouldn't read the instructions. Calvin asks him if he looks like a sissy.

ch880420: Hey, these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh, I got glue on my hands. It starts in English, but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. It's hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.
Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere.

ch880421: Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make 'em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel won't fit in the wheel well. Here, let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings.
Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings.

ch880422: Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesn't look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I can't paint it like this. Look how good they did this. How'd they paint eyebrows on a pilot that's less than an inch tall?? I think that's a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand.
Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.

ch880423: I hate this model. Nothing fit right, the instructures were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I can't think of an afternoon I've enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course, with this for practice, I'll bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Let's get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings.
Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings.

ch880424: A voice cackles in Calvin's radio. "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" Roger. What should I do until then? Calvin's F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But what's this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh, no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvin's only hope is to land, but the wheels refuse to open! They're stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model.
Calvin's Phantom screams across the sky. He can't see out the canopy, it's all smeared. The throttle snaps off in his hand. Calvin can't land, because the wheels are stuck. He frantically tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together. His jet is a hopeless mess. He shows his model to Hobbes and says "stupid model".

ch880425: I'm not going to bed! I don't have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! I'll be a hulking, surly teen-ager before you know it!!
Calvin yells that he won't go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. He can do anything he wants. Mom comes over to him, picks him up, and takes him to bed. From the bed, Calvin yells they should enjoy it while they can. He'll be a hulking, surly teenager before they know it.

ch880426: Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of HIM? If that was true, you'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle, right? Gee, I guess so. I hadn't thought of that.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing by a puddle. Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever wonders if he's a reflection of the person in the puddle. Hobbes notes that he'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle. Calvin agrees, and he says he hadn't thought of it that way before. Late at night, Calvin still stands next to the puddle with a worried look on his face.

ch880427: BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! That's six shots! You're out of bullets! I've got you now, you rustles! ZAP! "ZAP"? My cattle prod.
Calvin and Hobbes are wearing cowboy hats shooting at each other. Hobbes tells Calvin he's shot six bullets. Hobbes has him now. Calvin says "zap". Hobbes wonders what that is. Calvin tells him it was his cattle prod.

ch880428: Hey Susie, guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy, gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever, ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. I'm not guessing. You might as well. You're nine-tenths there.
Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there.

ch880429: Mom, was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Don't be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom, Mr. Britannica!
Calvin asks Mom if he was ever a grub. He clarifies. He wonders if he was a larva, did he really pupate at age two. Mom tells him to quit being so disgusting. She wonders where he got such an awful idea. Calvin tells Dad, who's sitting in his chair, that he should get his stories straight with Mom. He calls Dad Mr. Britannica.

ch880430: How can you stand these cartoons? They're just half-hour commercials for toys. And when they're not boring, they're preachy. And these characters don't even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad, the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV.
Calvin is watching TV. Dad asks how he can stand cartoons. He says they're half-hour commercials for toys. When they're not boring, they're preachy. He complains the characters don't even move, they just stand there blinking. As Dad walks away, Calvin rolls his eyes and calls Dad "the Gene Siskel of Saturday Morning TV".

ch880501: Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug.

ch880502: Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If you're looking for fossilized remains, you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday I'll name an Australopithecus woman after you.
Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her.

ch880503: I've been reading up on paleontology. It's amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hey! Why, you must be six years old. Oh, you're a scream.
Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream.

ch880504: Archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I don't think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow.
Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning.

ch880505: Hey, look! I hit something! Don't break it! Dig carefully! Gosh, what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. It's some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.
Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater.

ch880506: Wow! I can't believe we found a dinosaur skull on our very first archealogical dig. It's completely intact, too! What a discovery! Maybe the rest of the skeleton is nearby! Yeah! If we can find the whole thing, we'll be world famous! With the grant money we'll get, we can buy a Porsche! How will THIS look on the cover of National Geographic?
Calvin can't believe they found a dinosaur skull on their first archeological dig. Hobbes wonders if the rest of the skeleton is nearby. Calvin says that if they find it, they'll be world famous. Calvin thinks the grant money can buy a Porsche. Hobbes thinks his smiling face would look good on the cover of National Geographic.

ch880507: I found another bone! I found another bone! Boy, this is a weird one. What is it? It could be a forearm and fingers. I can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. I didn't know bones came in decorator colors, did you?
Calvin is excited to find another bone. He wonders what it is. Hobbes holds up a fork. He thinks it could be a forearm and fingers. Calvin continues digging. He can't wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. Hobbes notices the bones come in decorator colors.

ch880508: The call goes out! We're on the move! Up through the winding maze! Faster! Faster! Calvin scrambles up the grainy tunnel! Out he pops into the blinding sun! Calvin the and rushes down the hill to the brick walk! Other ants rush around him in their mad hurry! Calvin tries to keep up! At least he reaches the monstrous dead caterpiller! Without pausing, he hoists it up! The queen demands his tireless toil! Calvin is back off to the ant-hill as fast as he can go! Work, work, work! That's what I'm good for around here! I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave.
Calvin, the ant, comes out of the grainy tunnel and heads down the hill to the brick walk. Other ants are rushing around him. He reaches the monstrous dead caterpillar. Without pausing, he lifts it up. The queen demands his endless toil. Calvin heads back to the ant hill. Calvin is carrying a bundle of clothes. He's complaining that work is all he does around there. Mom, arms folded across her chest, tells him she hardly thinks Calvin picking up his room once in a while qualifies him as a slave.

ch880509: Gosh, look at all the dinosaur bones we discovered. Let's glue them together so we can see how they fit. Then you can draw a reconstruction of the actual dinosaur. After that, we'll write up our findings, and get them published in a scientific journal. Then we'll win the Nobel prize, get righ, and go on talk shows. What about babes? When do we get those?
Calvin looks at all the bones they dug up. He suggests they glue the parts together to see how they fit. Then, they'll draw a reconstruction of the dinosaur. After that, they'll write up their findings and be published in a scientific journal. They'll win the Nobel prize, get rich, and go on talk shows. Hobbes wonders about when they get babes.

ch880510: Well. Here's the complete skeleton as near as I can figure out. Try to draw the dinosaur as it really looked with muscles and skin. What's it doing? Whistling? You tell me. Maybe it's puckering up.
Calvin finishes constructing the bones together how he thinks they should be. He asks Hobbes to draw the dinosaur as it really looked, with skin and muscles. Hobbes finishes the picture. Since the "dinosaur" has a Coke bottle for a skull, Hobbes' picture has the mouth open. Calvin wonders if it's whistling. Hobbes isn't sure, it might be puckering up.

ch880511: See the dinosaur skeleton we discovered and assembled? I'm going to call the natural history museum and tell them they can have it for ten billion dollars. Those are ... um ... peculiar bones. Do you think I should ask for more money? That's not QUITE what I meant.
Calvin shows Mom the skeleton he and Hobbes dug up. Calvin is going to call the Natural History Museum and offer it to them for ten billion dollars. Mom thinks those are peculiar bones. Calvin asks if he should ask for more money. That wasn't quite what Mom meant.

ch880512: Mom says she doesn't think we've found a skeleton at all. She says we just dug up some trash somebody littered. Our dinosaur is a fraud. I guess it wouldn't be right to sell it to a museum then. Not at full price, anyway.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't think they found a skeleton at all. Mom says they just dug up some trash someone littered. Calvin says their dinosaur is a fraud. Hobbes laments that it wouldn't be right to sell the skeleton to a museum. Calvin suggests not at full price, anyway.

ch880513: Psst ... Susie! Can I copy your paper? NO. CALVIN!
Calvin whispers to Susie, who's sitting in the desk ahead of Calvin. He wants to copy her paper. She tells him no. He sits and pouts. Then, he reaches into his desk for something. The teacher shouts his name when she sees him holding a periscope, looking over Susie's shoulder at her paper.

ch880514: AAAUGHH! I SKINNED MY KNEE! OOH! OW! AAUGHHH! OW! OW!
Calvin is holding his knee and yelling that he skinned it. He seems to be in real pain. He looks around and doesn't see anyone. He walks home, opens the door, then starts yelling again that he is hurting. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table.

ch880515: This is Calvin, your captain speaking ... just to reassure you that, yes, there is someone up front. Calvin pilots the jet airliner across the country at 35,000 feet. He is given clearance to land. But what is this? A plane from a rival airplane is making for the same runway to shave precious minutes off its schedule! It's a 600 mph game of chicken! Calvin pulls back on the throttle and lurches ahead! The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off with a sudden drop in altitude! Calvin switches on the "fasten seat belt" light in the cabin, and does a barrel roll. At 5Gs, Calvin hopes not to black out! As they close in on the runway, the other pilot has no choice but to pull up and circle around again! Calvin wins! Hey, Mom, is it true I could get a pilot's license at age 14? NO.
Calvin pilots the airliner across the skies. He has clearance to land, but a plane from a rival airline is flying toward the same runway. It's a 600-mph game of chicken. Calvin pulls the throttle, and he lurches ahead. The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off by dropping altitude. Calvin turns on the "Fasten seat belt" sign in the cabin and does a barrel roll. Calvin tries not to black out at 5Gs. They close on the runway, but the other pilot has to pull up and circle around again. Calvin wins! Calvin, who's running around with a toy airplane, asks Mom if it's true that you can get a pilot's license at age 14.

ch880516: HOBBES! You've got to help me! I'm in big trouble! What's the matter? You know how Dad said I could use his binoculars as longs as I was extra careful with them? Well, I just broke them by accident! Now I need some advice. Should I run away, or commit hara-kiri? Over the binoculars? Yeah. Maybe both.
Calvin runs up to Hobbes in a panic. Hobbes asks what's wrong. With a horrified look on his face, Calvin tells him that Dad told him he could use his binoculars as long as he was extra careful. He broke them by accident. Now, Calvin needs advice. He wonders if he should run away or commit hara-kiri. Hobbes thinks maybe both.

ch880517: Geez, I can't believe I broke Dad's binoculars! He'll blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very, very careful with them, and what do I do? I go and break them. He'll flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well, I was tossing them at myself at the time, as I ran down the sidewalk.
Calvin can't believe he broke Dad's binoculars. He's sure Dad will blow every capillary in his body. After Dad telling him to be very careful, he broke them. Hobbes asks how he broke them. Calvin just dropped them. Hobbes wonders why they broke just from being dropped. Calvin adds that he was tossing them to himself, as he ran down the sidewalk.

ch880518: How much money do you have, hobbes? Maybe we can buy Dad a new pair of binoculars before he gets home. I've got thrity ... no, thirty-five cents. Great. I've got four dollars. Let's call the store. Hello? I'd like to know how much a good pair of binoculars costs. ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DAD'S GOING TO DO TO ME?!? He won't stop at killing you, that's for sure. Uh UH.
Calvin wonders if he can buy a new pair of binoculars before Dad gets home. Hobbes has thirty-five cents, Calvin has four dollars. He calls the store to find out how much a good pair of binoculars costs. Calvin, to his extreme horror, is told one to six hundred dollars. Calvin again worries about what Dad will do to him. Hobbes is sure he won't stop killing him.

ch880519: I had no IDEA binoculars were so expensive! We're doomed! We're doomed! "We"? Why in the world did Dad let me use anything so valuable?! He should've KNOWN I'd break them! He mustive been out of his mind! This is all HIS fault! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I suppose you COULD just tell him what happened ... ... and make my getaway when the coronary hits? Say, THAT's an idea!
Calvin didn't know binoculars cost so much. He says it was Dad's fault for letting him use anything so valuable. Calvin grabs Hobbes and yells to him "What am I gonna to do". Hobbes suggests telling Dad what happened. Calvin would wait until the coronary hits and make his getaway. He thinks that's an idea.

ch880520: Maybe we could GLUE Dad's binoculars back together and he wouldn't even notice! You think? It depends. Was the casing just chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked? Well, maybe you'd better look at it. Dont' sneeze.
Calvin wonders if they could glue the binoculars back together and Dad not even notice. Hobbes asks whether the casing got chipped a little, or did the lens itself get cracked. Calvin tells him to look at it. He pours out what looks like powder from a box. He tells Hobbes not to sneeze.

ch880521: Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? You've got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me.
Hobbes suggests telling Mom about the binoculars to see if she can help. Calvin tells him no way. Hobbes tells him he has to tell someone. Maybe Mom can think of something. Calvin tells him that at times like this, all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with him.

ch880522: I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didn't touch all the bases! I did too. No, you didn't. You didn't touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. That's not seventh base. That's twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didn't touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? What's the secret base?! I can't tell you. It's a secret. I can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. You're out. Give me a dollar.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin scores. Hobbes accuses him of not touching all the bases. Calvin says that he did. Hobbes states Calvin didn't touch seventh base. Calvin points out that he did touch the water barrel after he touched the front porch. Hobbes clarifies that the barrel is twelfth base. Calvin thought the garage door was twelfth base. Hobbes informs him the garage door is twenty-third base. He accuses Calvin of touching all the bases out of order. Plus, he didn't touch the secret base. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes won't tell him, because it's a secret. Calvin can't believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Hobbes tags him out and tells Calvin to give him a dollar.

ch880523: Look at Dad, calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His "Dad radar" is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING, he just doesn't know WHAT. He can't nail me until he knows for sure. He'll just wait. I know him. He's going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later I'll crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ...
Calvin watches Dad eating dinner. He suspects nothing. Calvin thinks Dad's radar is going off. Calvin is sure Dad knows something is broken, just not what. He knows Dad will just wait, letting Calvin stew in his own guilt. Dad figures sooner or later, Calvin will crack. Dad says Calvin's name. Calvin blurts out that he did it, he's sorry, and he didn't mean to. Dad was asking Calvin to pass something to him.

ch880524: YOU BROKE THE BINOCULARS?! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE EXTRA, EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THEM?? ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID?! WELL?! THOSE BINOCULARS WERE BRAND NEW! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY?!? I have an idea, Dad. Let's pretend I already feel terrible about it, and that you don'tneed to rub it in any more.
Dad is yelling at Calvin. He's telling him that he said to be extra careful with the binoculars. He yells the binoculars were brand new. He asks Calvin if he has no respect for other people's property. Calvin offers that he feels terrible about it, and that Dad doesn't have to rub it in anymore.

ch880525: I didn't MEAN to break your binoculars, Dad. It was an accident. (sniff) I'm really sorry. I felt like I was going to barf all afternoon. Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you like I did. I shouldn't have been so angry. After all, it was just a pair of binoculars. In the big scheme of things, that's really not so bad. (sniff) Really? Sure ... in another ten years, you'll probably be wrecking my CAR.
Calvin is sitting on his bed, hugging Dad. He cries that he didn't mean to break the binoculars. He says he's really sorry, and that he felt like barf all afternoon. Dad says he shouldn't have yelled at Calvin like that. He goes on to say it was only a pair of binoculars. That isn't so bad in the great scheme of things. Calvin sniffles "really". Dad tells him that in another ten years, he'll probably be wrecking his car.

ch880526: Hobbes, look! Dad got me my own pair of little binoculars! Wow, these are yours? Aren't they great? I'll say. Dad said as long as I was going to break binoculars, I ought to at least break my own. Now we can go to the beach and look at babes! Maybe I should break Dad's power tools and see if I could get some of THOSE.
Calvin shows Hobbes his new pair of binoculars Dad bought for him. Dad told Calvin that if he was going to break binoculars, they might as well be his own. Hobbes figures they can go to the beach and look at babes. Calvin wonders if he should break some of Dad's power tools to see if he can get some of those.

ch880527: Wind wind wind RUMBLE RUMBLE POW! Either I'm greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in this vicinity. Yes ... all over this vicinity.
Calvin is opening a can. He hears rumbling. Suddenly, Hobbes slams into him and knocks him to the floor. Hobbes looks around rapidly. He says that either he's greatly deceived, or someone opened a can of tuna in the vicinity.

ch880528: What a clear night! Look at all the stars. Millions of them! Yes, we're just tiny specks on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. Let's go in and turn on all the lights.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the stars. Hobbes says there are millions of them. Calvin says they're just a speck on a planet particle, hurling through the infinite blackness. After looking a bit longer, they run inside. Calvin wants to turn on all the lights.

ch880529: Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures, few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect, Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down, Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! You're making me sick!
Calvin, the bug, lives only to suck blood and spread parasitic disease. Calvin flies low over the picnic table, in search of a victim. His sensitive antennae detect human flesh. Calvin sticks his needle-like proboscis into a vein. Protozoans in his saliva quickly induce plague. Calvin is drinking a beverage through a straw at a picnic. Mom tells him to stop that awful slurping. It's making her sick.

ch880530: Don't move! There's a bee on your back! There is? Showw it away! Quick! And have it come after ME? No, thanks. Well, what am I supposed to do? Stand like this all day? I guess you don't have much choice. Do you? Great. Just great. I could be here forever! Say, that gives me an idea. Don't you go reading my comic books! Stay out of my room!
Hobbes tells Calvin not to move, there's a bee on his back. Calvin tells him to shoo it away. Hobbes doesn't want it coming after him. Calvin asks if he's supposed to stand there all day. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have any choice. Calvin says he could be there forever. Hobbes gets an idea. Calvin yells for him to stay out of his room and not to read his comic books.

ch880531: That rotten Hobbes! I can't move because I've got a bee on my back, so he goes to read all my comic books. He always gets them out of order, and he folds the covers back! Ooh, if I could only move! What kind of a friend would take advantage of a predicament like this? A lousy friend, that's what kind! What a stinker he is! Hey, did you see how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended? Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
Calvin is still standing there complaining that Hobbes is reading his comic books while he's stuck with a bee on his back. Calvin complains Hobbes gets the comics out of order and folds the covers back. He asks what kind of friend would take advantage of a predicament like that. He answers himself by saying a lousy friend would. He calls Hobbes a stinker. Hobbes comes up reading a comic book. He asks Calvin if he's seen how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended. Calvin yells for him not to tell.

ch880601: Hobbes, if you tell me how my comic book ends, I'll kill you. I've waited all month to find out. I'll give you a hint, OK? Captain Napalm takes his nuclear ... NO HINTS! NO HINTS! By golly, you hairball, if I didn't have a bee on my back right now, I'd ... Maybe there's a bee and maybe there isn't. I'LL never tell. WHAT?! Is the bee gone? Can I move? Tell me! Is it still there?? Huh? Rrggh! Is it?!
Calvin threatens Hobbes that he'll kill him if he tells him how the Captain Napalm issue ends. He's waited all month to find out. Hobbes starts to give Calvin a hint, but Calvin tells him no hints. Calvin says that if there wasn't a bee on his back, he'd... Hobbes says maybe there is a bee on him, maybe there isn't. Calvin is flustered. Now he doesn't know if he can move or not.

ch880602: Is the bee still on me or not? I'm not telling. You called me a hairball. OK, OK, I'm sorry. You're not a hairball. Now, is the bee there or not? No. Good. Now I ... OWW!! I meant "No, there IS a bee." Today is opposite day! Don't forget ... at midnight opposite day is over, OK? "Yes."
Calvin asks if the bee is still on him or not. Hobbes isn't telling him, since Calvin called him a hairball. Calvin apologizes for calling Hobbes a hairball. He asks if there is a bee. Hobbes tells him no. Calvin moves and OWW! He gets stung. Hobbes tells him that today is opposite day. So Hobbes' no meant yes, there was a bee. Hobbes is in a tree at night. Calvin, armed with a baseball bat, is standing at the bottom of the tree. Hobbes reminds him that opposite day is over at midnight.

ch880603: I'm not having dinner tonight. Oh no? Nope. I'm just going to eat cookies in front of the TV. You, young man, are going to sit at the table and eat what I've fixed, just like the rest of us. Oh, yeah, that's what I meant.
Calvin tells Mom he's not having dinner tonight. He says he's going to eat cookies in front of the TV. Mom looks at him, points her finger on his nose, and tells him that he'll sit at the table and eat what she's fixed, just like everyone else. Calvin says "Oh, yeah. That's what I meant".

ch880604: Hello, I'm wondering if you sell kegs of dynamite. You don't? How about plastic explosives? You're kidding. Well, what about land mines? Do you sell those? ... You don't? Look, I'm trying to send a girl I know into deep space. Perhaps you could suggest something.
Calvin calls someone on the phone and asks if they sell kegs of dynamite. They don't, so Calvin asks about plastic explosives...then land mines. Finally, he says he's trying to send a girl he knows to deep space. He asks if they could suggest something.

ch880605: FWOOSH As if life isn't short enough.
Calvin fills a water balloon with an evil grin on his face. He sneaks behind a tree. He sneaks over behind a barrel. He comes up behind the tree Hobbes is sleeping under. Calvin lifts the water balloon, and Hobbes says "As if life isn't short enough" without opening his eyes. Calvin stops, sets the balloon down, an lies down under the tree with a frown on his face.

ch880606: You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. An attitude? Yeah. You can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Really? Sure. They're all the rage. Now what kind of attitude could WE have? We could be courteously deferential. Oh, good. That's REAL cool.
Calvin tells Hobbes they need an attitude. Calvin goes on to explain you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude. Hobbes is puzzled. Calvin tells him they're all the rage. He wonders what kind of attitude they could have. Hobbes suggests being courteously deferential. Calvin rolls his eyes and sarcastically says "that's real cool".

ch880607: I've decided to be a fatalist. All events are preordained and unalterable. Whatever will be will be. That way, if anything bad happens, it's not my fault. It's fate. TRIP WAUGH! Too bad you were fated to do that. THAT WASN'T FATE!
Calvin announces he's decided to become a fatalist. He explains that all events are preordained and unalterable. Anything bad that happens isn't his fault, but is fate. Hobbes then trips Calvin, causing him to fall to the ground. Hobbes tells Calvin it's too bad he was fated to do that. Calvin yells up that it wasn't fate.

ch880608: Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way they're going. That's what I thought. I guess that means it's up to US then. Somehow I'm not reassured. Ha! When I'm president, I'll have things whipped into shape in no time.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin asks if grown-ups will have the world fixed by the time they hand it over to young people. Hobbes doesn't think so, and Calvin agrees. As the wagon rolls onto the pier, Calvin says it's up to them. As the wagon sails into the air, with Calvin and Hobbes falling into the water, Hobbes says that he's not reassured. Calvin says that when he's president, he'll have things whipped into shape in no time.

ch880609: Either we've got to get a catcher, or you've got to improve your pitching.
Calvin is walking down the sidewalk with a baseball bat in his hand. On he walks, until he comes to a baseball lying on the grass. He picks it up and starts walking back. He hands the ball to Hobbes. Calvin tells him either they have to get a catcher, or Hobbes has to improve his pitching.

ch880610: Gosh, it sure looks like rain. Rain? What are you talking about? There isn't a cloud in the sky! You don't think it looks like rain? No. Go away and stop being silly.
Mom is gardening, and Calvin comes up saying it looks like rain. Mom looks up and says there isn't a cloud in the sky. Calvin asks if she doesn't think it looks like rain. Mom says no and tells him to go away and quit being silly. Calvin walks away. He sneaks back within a few feet of Mom and places the water sprinkler on the ground.

ch880611: OK, out of the hammock. What do you mean? This isn't YOUR hammock. It's MY turn. I was here first. It's your turn when I'm done. If you won't get out, then I'm coming in with you. Lick heck you are! This crummy hammock always sags.
Calvin tells Hobbes to get out of the hammock. Hobbes tells him it's not his hammock. Calvin says it's his turn, but Hobbes tells him to wait until he's finished. Calvin tries to climb into the hammock with Hobbes. Hobbes tries fighting him off. Later, Dad is trying to enjoy the hammock, but it's dragging on the ground. He says the crummy hammock always sags.

ch880612: Do you see any snapping turtles, eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far, our expedition is a failure. How's the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes, I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part, though. As soon as it touches the water, it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before you're ready. Why don't you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! It's better to go in a wee bit at a time. No, it's better to do it all at once. It's worse to drag it out. You must've been dropped when you were little. I'll show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WE'LL NEVER NOW NOW, WILL WE?!?
Calvin is in his swim trunks, slowly getting into the water. Hobbes asks how the water is, and Calvin tells him his feet are completely numb. He says if he goes in a half-inch at a time, he can stand it. He complains his trunks touch the water, stick to him, and get him wet before he's ready. Hobbes wonders why he doesn't just jump in to get it over with. Calvin says the shock would kill him. He thinks it's better to do it a wee bit at a time. Hobbes thinks it's better to do it all at once. Hobbes decides to show Calvin, so he jumps into the water. Calvin yells for him not to. SPLOOSH! Hobbes shivers and thinks Calvin might have been right. Calvin, soaked, says now they'll never know.

ch880613: Hey look! Mom and Dad are throwing duffel bags in the car. They're going on vacation! At last! Finally we get the house to ourselves! We can stay up late and watch TV! We can eat cookies for dinner! We ... What are you doing up here still? C'mon, let's go. Me? Go? Where? On vacation! What have we been planning all month? With you and Mom?? What kind of vacation is THAT?!
Calvin sees Mom and Dad loading duffel bags into the car. They're going on vacation. Calvin is thrilled. He and Hobbes will have the house to themselves. They can stay up late and can eat cookies for dinner. Dad opens the door and asks why Calvin is still in his room. He tells him to go. Calvin wonders what he's talking about. Dad tells him they're all going on vacation. They've been planning it all month. Calvin wonders what kind of vacation will it be if he has to go with Mom and Dad.

ch880614: So where are we going? I sure hope we're not camping again this year? Well, we are. Oh, no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat, is NOT my idea of a good time! That's why we brought bug spray. Look, just let me out here, OK? I'll hitch home and see you when you get back, all right?
As the family is driving along, Calvin hopes they're not camping this year. He's told they are, which doesn't please Calvin. He complains about swatting mosquitos while lying frozen and cramped on rocks, no TV, and only canned food to eat. Dad cheerfully tells him that's why they brought bug spray. Calvin tells Dad to let him out. He'll hitch a ride home and see them when they return.

ch880615: Remember last year, when it rained all week? It poured so hard we couldn't even make a fire. Without question, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes, but it built character. Oh sure. Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
As they're paddling a canoe to the campground, Calvin reminds them of last year's vacation. It rained so hard they couldn't make a fire. He says it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Dad replies that it built character. Calvin asks why he can never build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere.

ch880616: Well, here we are! Home away from home! OK Calvin. You get out with your Mom, and I'll hand our gear to you. Now don't drop this. It's very ... oops. Don't worry, Dad. It's only about ten feet deep. I can see that camera and everything. I'm going to feed you to the sea gulls, kid. Dear, you came here to relax.
They paddle up to their campground. Calvin and Mom get out so Dad can hand over the gear. As Dad is telling Calvin not to drop the gear he's handing him, down it falls into the water. Calvin tells Dad not to worry. The water is only ten feet deep, and he can see the camera and everything. Dad replies that he's going to feed Calvin to the sea gulls. Mom tells him he came to relax.

ch880617: Gosh, this water's cold! Here, that's all I could find down there. Go get me a towel, Calvin. It never fails. The one bag the kid dumps in the drink has all the fragile and perishable items in it. Well, the week can only improve from here. One would like to THINK so. Hey, Dad, did you mean to stack the tackle box and all this on your glasses?
Dad retrieves everything he can see in the water. He asks Calvin to get him a towel. Dad is dripping as he gets out of the water, complaining that the one bag Calvin drops into the water has all the fragile and perishable things in it. Mom tells him the week can only improve. Dad hopes so. Calvin asks Dad if he meant to stack the tackle box and all the other stuff on his glasses.

ch880618: Boy, don't go near Dad. What a grouch! I don't see why he can't be civil just because I accidentally dropped a duffel bag overboard and he broke his glasses. Are you going to tell him he left the car lights on back where we got the canoe? I think YOU should tell him.
Calvin tells Hobbes not to go near Dad, he's a grouch. Calvin can't see why Dad can't be civil just because Calvin dropped a duffel bag overboard and Dad broke his glasses. They walk along a downed tree trunk. Hobbes asks if Calvin told Dad that he left the car lights on back where they picked up the canoe. Calvin thinks Hobbes should tell him.

ch880619: What's the score? Ten billion to one, my favor. IT'S NOT! Then keep track yourself. WHAP! Ha! It wen't straight up! Easy out! Easy out! You're not even going to run, eh? I don't blame you. You're as good as out. Bink! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! That's two hits in one pitch! This run counts double!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Hobbes pops the ball straight up. Calvin comes in for the catch. He tells Hobbes this is an easy out. Hobbes just stands there. Calvin asks if he isn't going to run. He doesn't blame Hobbes because he's as good as out. Calvin has his glove ready to make the catch. Hobbes sticks the bat out and taps it away before the ball can fall into Calvin's glove. Calvin complains that Hobbes can't do that. Hobbes takes off running. He claims that's two hits on one pitch, so the run will count double.

ch880620: Hey, Mom, Dad and I are going fishing. Don't you want to come along? Uggh, no. The last thing I want to see at this ungodly hour is a bunch of slimy fish gasping and flopping in the slop at the bottom of a boat. All I'D like to see is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Why'd we ever come HERE then? Go ask Conan the Barbarian. C'mon, Calvin. I'll teach you to put a work on a hook.
Calvin calls into the tent Mom is sleeping in. He and Dad are going fishing, and he asks if Mom doesn't want to come along. She sleepily says no, she doesn't want to see slimy fish gasping and flopping in the bottom of the boat. She goes on to say all she wants is a decent newspaper, a fresh muffin, and a pot of real coffee. Calvin then asks why did they come to this spot for a vacation. She suggests he ask "Conan the Barbarian". Dad comes up with a smile on his face, offering to show Calvin how to put a worm on a hook.

ch880621: Ahhh, what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands, no phones, no pressure! The whole day is one's own! Isn't this great? Isn't this the life? Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zong slave galley, plans his daring overboard escape! Ahh, what a day!
Dad is paddling the canoe with Calvin at the bow. Dad says what a day. He talks about the fresh air, being up at dawn, the tranquility, no demands, phones, or pressures. He says "Isn't this the life". Spaceman Spiff, a prisoner on the Zog space galley, plans his daring overboard escape.

ch880622: Gosh, I could look at the stars all night. Without the streetlights or pollution here, it seems like you can see forever into space. SNAP CRUNCH Of course, if you've seen one star, you've seen them all. True, true. Shall we mosey on the back to the tent?
Calvin and Hobbes are looking up at the stars. Calvin says that without the street lights or pollution, it looks like you can see forever into space. Suddenly, there is a snap and a crunch from nearby. Calvin and Hobbes jump up. As they run back to the tent, Calvin says "if you've seen one star, you've seen them all".

ch880623: Look, Mom, the water is up to my knees. See? See? Look, Mom! The water's up to my knees. See? Look where the water is! Now look! The water is HIGHER than my knees! See? Look, Mom! See? I'm enthralled, Calvin. YOU'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING!
Calvin is standing in the water. He tells Mom that he's up to his knees. He keeps telling her about looking where the water is, he's up to his knees. He steps in a bit further and starts telling Mom about being in above his knees. He keeps telling her to look. Mom is lying on a beach towel, in sunglasses, reading a book. She says she's enthralled. Calvin yells back that she's not even looking.

ch880624: Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. What's that thing? A brontosaurus with rabies? It's that island over there. Oh. How far can you see without your glasses? Can you see ME? When I look up, I'd better not be able to.
Calvin comes up to Dad, who's sitting on a rock painting a picture. Calvin asks what he's painting, a brontosaurus with rabies? Dad tells him he's painting the island across the way. Calvin waves his hands and asks Dad how far he can see without his glasses. Can he see him? Dad says that when he looks up, he better not be able to.

ch880625: Hi, Mom! Mm. Dad's painting a picture, but it's not coming out so hot, and he's in a really stinky mood. It's like, I asked him one little question and he nearly bit my head off! I mean, it's not as if I ruined his lousy picture, right? Why should ... CALVIN, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO READ? Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when they're recreating?
Mom is reading a book. Calvin comes up to her and starts telling her about Dad painting a picture. He comments on how the picture isn't coming out so hot, and Dad's in a bad mood. Calvin continues telling Mom about how he just asked one question, and Dad nearly bit his head off. He says it isn't his fault his picture is ruined. Mom yells to Calvin that she's trying to read. Calvin walks off telling Hobbes grown-ups get tense when they're recreating.

ch880626: Si-i-i-i-ix ... fi-i-i-i-ive ... four-r-r-r ... threetwoone TAG! You're "it"! THAT'S NOT FAIR! TAG! I GOTCHA! OK, now I'm "it" and I have to catch YOU. But what about a penalty? Don't you go to "jail" and do pushups first? No, I'm just "it". There aren't any penalties. None?? Don't I even get free hits? Free hits?! NO, you don't get free hits! Just, like, on the arm? I think you should have to get hit on the arm. I don't have to get hit at ALL! Well, what about an Indian burn then? Or noogies? Can I give you noogies? NO! I'M JUST "IT"! THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENS! OK, OK! That's all that happens. Sheesh. If you ask ME, though, any game without push-ups, hits or noogies is a sissy game.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing tag. Calvin tackles Hobbes so that he's "it". Hobbes says that now he has to try to catch Calvin. Calvin asks if Hobbes doesn't have to go to jail or do push-ups. Hobbes says no, he's just "it". There are no penalties. Calvin asks if he gets free hits. Hobbes angrily says there are no free hits. Calvin thinks just a little one on the arm would be good. Hobbes tells him he doesn't have to be hit at all. Calvin presses for clarification. He asks about an Indian burn or noogies. Hobbes shouts no. He's "it", and that's all that happens. Calvin says okay, but he thinks any game without push-ups, hits, burns, or noogies is a sissy game. Hobbes suggests that Calvin can get hit if he wants.

ch880627: There's nothing to DO here. That's sort of the point, don't you think? It's good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things, without DOING things. You're certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.
Calvin complains there is nothing to do at the campsite. Hobbes suggests that's the point. It's good to stop running around. Hobbes says that sometimes you should just look at things and think about things, without doing things. Calvin says Hobbes is certainly the expert at that. Hobbes likes it when you're looking and thinking, then you wake up.

ch880628: Mom, can Hobbes come in swimming with me? I don't think he'd better, Calvin. WHY NOT? Um ... tigers don't swim very well. They don't? Frankly, I'm not sure your Mom knows so much about tigers. Look, we just want to avoid an argument, right?
Calvin asks Mom if Hobbes can come in swimming with him. Mom says no, tigers don't swim very well. Hobbes is standing with goggles, a cap, and a life preserver on. He isn't sure Mom knows so much about tigers. Calvin tells him they're just trying to avoid an argument, as he gets ready to bring Hobbes into the water.

ch880629: OK, Calvin, start packing up. We're going home. Now, now. These little outings are valuable experience. Yeah? How? They give us a chance to be together as a family and learn about ourselves. Like how we can't stand being in such close proximity with one another this long? Exactly.
Dad tells Calvin to start packing, they're heading home. Calvin is glad. Dad tells him these little outings are valuable experiences. When Calvin asks how, Dad explains that they give them a chance to be together as a family and to learn about themselves. Calvin says like how they can't stand to be in such close proximity with one another so long. Dad says "Exactly".

ch880630: Z. Look at you. All you do is lie in the sun. I have to. How come? Tigers' tummies are solar cells. Year, right.
Hobbes is lying on the floor sleeping. Calvin comes up to him and says all he does is lie in the sun. Hobbes says he has to. Calvin asks why. Hobbes explains that tigers' tummies are solar cells.

ch880701: Are you hot? Not really, why? It seems warm to me. Aren't you a LITTLE hot? Nope. Not even a wee bit? Just a smidgen? What have you got behind your back?
Calvin is playing when Hobbes comes up and asks him if he's hot. Calvin says no, but wonders why he asks. Hobbes goes on to say it seems warm to him. He asks again whether Calvin feels hot. When Calvin again says no, Hobbes asks if he isn't a wee bit, a smidgen hot. Calvin notices Hobbes' hands are behind his back. He asks what he has behind his back. We see Hobbes is holding onto a water balloon.

ch880702: SUSIE, QUICK! GET HELP! Somebody filled my sandbox with quicksand! I'm sinking fast! Ack! Rrghh! Oh, right. Give me a break. Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.
Calvin is in the sandbox, buried up to his waist. He reaches out to Susie and yells for her to get help. He says somebody filled his sandbox with quicksand, and he's sinking fast. Susie turns around and says to give her a break. Calvin yells back that her gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical.

ch880703: Spaceman Spiff explores the outermost reaches of the universe. By popular request. Intrepid explorer Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. What strange wonders will he discover here? Spiff sets out in search of sentient life! What a strange planet this is! It's surface is surpisingly soft and porous. And here curious geysers blast hot air! Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planet's surface at all! He's walking on a reclining alien!! Our hero sets his death ray blaster. Zz.. mmf hm?
Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. He sets out in search of life. It's a strange planet, it's surface is soft and porous. Curious geysers blast hot air. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He's not on the planet surface. He's on a reclining alien. Calvin aims his dart gun at a sleeping Dad. Calvin says that our hero sets his death ray blaster.

ch880704: This probably just goes to show something, but I sure don't know what.
Calvin is standing there holding a balloon on a string. He starts floating up into the air. Higher and higher he goes as he clutches the string with both hands. As he floats along in the sky, he says this probably just goes to show you something, but he sure doesn't know what.

ch880705: There's quite a breeze up here. I'm really moving. There's the river and the town triangle. HEY, DOWN THERE! My name is Calvin! Tell my tiger, Hobbes, I'm blowing away on a balloon! CAN ANYONE HERE ME? TELL HOBBES HE CAN'T READ MY COMIC BOOKS JUST 'CAUSE I'M NOT AROUND, OK? ... OH YEAH, TELL MY PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED TOO, ALL RIGHT? HELLO? HELLO?
Calvin is really moving with his balloon. He sees the river and the town triangle below. Calvin yells down for someone to tell his tiger that he's blowing away on a balloon. He yells to see if anyone can hear him. He adds to tell Hobbes that he can't read Calvin's comic books, just because he isn't there. Finally, he adds to tell his parents what happened.

ch880706: Uh oh, I'm heading into a flock of ducks. Excuse me! Coming through! Pardon me! Gangway! Beep beep! ... Boy, if looks could kill.
Calvin is heading for a flock of ducks. Calvin flies through their formation. He apologizes as he passes through. After he gets through, he looks back and says "If looks could kill".

ch880707: My hands are getting tired. I'll tie the balloon string onto my belt loop. There ... WHOOP SHOOF If a plane comes along now, I'm going to die.
Calvin's hands are getting tired. He decides to tie the balloon string onto his belt loop. After he does that, he flips upside down. The balloon pulls his pants down a little, his shirt falls over his head, and his underwear is showing as he hangs. He says that if a plane comes along now, he's going to die.

ch880708: Well, I suppose things don't get worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile above some unrecognized state. Of course, my grip could weaken, or I could get sucked into a jet intake. That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Calvin, now rightside up, supposes it doesn't get any worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile over some unrecognized state. He thinks about it, and decides he could get sucked into a jet intake or his grip could weaken. As a bird comes near, he says that's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

ch880709: Boy, I'm just going higher and higher. I suppose eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will ... POP!
Calvin is just going higher and higher. He supposes eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it, and the balloon will....POP! A horrified look comes upon Calvin's face, and down he falls.

ch880710: Here's "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasn't been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonight's story isn't as boring as LAST night's was. It put me right to sleep. Don't worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? It's called "The disembodied hand that strangled people." Gosh, this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know what's REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day, nobody knows where the hand is. In fact, the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! IT'S G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I should've thought of that years ago.
Dad is going to read a bedtime story to Calvin. Calvin hopes it's not as boring as last night's. That put him right to sleep. Dad promises tonight's story will keep him up all night. It's called "The Disembodied Hand that Strangled People". Calvin is all excited, he's never gotten a scary story. Dad tells him the scary part is that they never found the hand. It could be anywhere. Dad puts his arm inside his sweater and grabs his throat. He yells "Oh no!! There it is!" . Calvin's eyes bulge out. Dad chokes out that it's got him. Calvin falls back onto the bed. Dad checks to see if Calvin has passed out. Calvin has. Dad walks out of the room saying he should have thought of that years ago.

ch880711: This has got to be a dream. Whenever you fall two miles up in the sky, you look down, gasp, and suddenly wake up. GASP GASP GASP GASP GASP
As Calvin plummets back to the ground, he says this must be a dream. He says when you fall from two miles up in the sky, you look down and gasp. Then you wake up. Calvin looks down and gasps. He keeps gasping as he keeps falling to the ground.

ch880712: I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. That's the problem with being six years old ... my life won't take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.
Calvin wonders if his life will flash in front of his eyes. He keeps tumbling down. He says that's the problem with being six years old, his life won't take very long to watch. He hopes he can get a few slow-motion replays of the time he smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.

ch880713: Say, I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble, and ... Nope. No gum. Let's try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy, these things come in handy all the time.
Calvin continues to fall. He thinks about having gum in his pocket, then blowing a big bubble. No gum in that pocket. He tries the other. He finds his transmogrifier gun. Calvin says those things come in handy all the time.

ch880714: I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! I'll just point it at myself and transmogrify! I'm safe! ZAP
As Calvin gets closer to the ground, he has nothing to worry about. He had forgotten his transmogrifier gun. He just points it at himself, and he's safe. ZAP! Calvin turns into a floor safe and continues plummeting to the ground.

ch880715: Where have you been?? I've been calling and calling. You're dinner's cold, I'm sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped, but fortunately I had my transmogrifier, so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe, I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course, If I'd known we were having THIS, I wouldn't have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.
Mom and Dad are at the dinner table. Mom asks Calvin where he's been. Calvin explains that drifted away on his balloon which popped. Then, he remembered his transmogrifier gun. After mistakenly turning himself into a safe, he transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. Calvin sits at the table. He looks at his meal. He then says that if he had known they were having that for dinner, he wouldn't have hurried. Mom tells him to sometime try transmogrifying into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.

ch880716: Calvin, I'd like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard, so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK, I'll pay you a dollar. A dollar? I won't do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute, you'll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... I'll take the dollar. Smart kid.
Dad wants Calvin to pick up the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so he can mow it. Calvin asks if Dad will pay him. Dad says he'll pay one dollar. Calvin is indignant. He says he won't do it for less than twenty-five. Dad reminds him in a minute, he'll do it for free because he told him to. Calvin says he'll take the dollar.

ch880717: I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK, that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now, so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third, right? Nope, they're both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third, and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! You've got two outs. Well, my ghost on first just stole home, so I've got another run! Ha ha, smarty! Yeah, well, all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. They're out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts don't play, I don't play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. They're "boo"-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin gets a single, so he has a ghost runner on first while he goes back to bat. His earlier ghost base runners advance. Hobbes calls them out. He says his ghost outfielder tagged Calvin's ghost runner and threw to the ghost second baseman. Hobbes says Calvin has two outs. Calvin angrily says his ghost runner from first base stole home, and he has another run. Hobbes says his ghost outfielders ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of Calvin's ghost runner. Calvin declares the ghost umpire suspended Hobbes' ghosts for eternity. Hobbes flips his glove off saying if his ghosts don't play, he doesn't play. Calvin declares a forfeit. Hobbes loses. Hobbes says the ghost crowd supports him. He says they're "boo"ing Calvin. Calvin sometime wishes he lived in a neighborhood with more kids.

ch880718: Let's go, Calvin! We're all ready! Boy, I haven't been to the zoo in ages. And Calvin's never been there. This will be fun. I've been telling him about it all week. He's so excited. C'MON, CALVIN! So WHERE do we have to go now? Beats ME. Mom and Dad are always dragging us to SOME dumb place.
Dad calls up the stairs for Calvin. They're ready to go to the zoo. Dad hasn't been to the zoo in ages. Mom says Calvin never has been. Mom has been telling Calvin about the zoo trip all week. She says he's so excited. Dad yells up again for Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes are in his room reading comic books. Hobbes asks where they have to go now. Calvin says it beats him. He says Mom and Dad are always dragging them some dumb place.

ch880719: How come alligators are in this big pit? So they don't get out and eat people. Does the zoo ever throw anyone in? Don't be silly. Of course not. How soon until we got hom?
Dad holds Calvin up so he can see into the alligator pit. Calvin asks why they're in a pit. Dad explains it's so they don't get out and eat people. Calvin asks if the zoo ever throws anyone in. Dad tells him no. Calvin looks a little longer. Dad puts him down, and Calvin asks how soon until they go home.

ch880720: Look! Monkeys! See how they use their tails and feet to climb? Zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Hey, look what THAT monkey's doing! Right in public, too! Ha ha! That's gross! How come I'M not allowed to do that?! Come look at the birds over here, Calvin.
Calvin runs over to the monkey cage. Mom shows him how monkeys use their tails and feet to climb. She says zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Calvin's eyes get wide and he points at the cage. He says to look what the monkey is doing in public. He laughs, says that's gross, and asks how come he's not allowed to do that. Mom tells Calvin to come look at the birds.

ch880721: What do you think of the zoo? I think it's kind of depressing. I always feel sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move or anything to do. They just sleep until they're fed. That's pretty much all YOU do. You know what I mean.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks of the zoo. Hobbes thinks it's kind of depressing. Hobbes feels sorry for the animals. They don't have much room to move, nor anything to do. He says they just sleep until they're fed. Calvin says that's pretty much all Hobbes does. Hobbes tells him he knows what he meant.

ch880722: Hey, those kids are feeding the animals! Mom, can I get some peanuts to feed the animals? I'm not your Mom. WHOOP Are you lost? What does your Mom look like? From the knees down, she looks just like you.
Calvin says there are some kids feeding the animals. Calvin pulls on Mom's skirt and asks if he can get some peanuts to feed to the animals. The skirt he pulled isn't his Mom's. It's someone else. She tells Calvin she's not his Mom, and Calvin is shocked. The woman asks if Calvin is lost. She asks what his Mom looks like. Calvin tells her that from the knees down, Mom looks just like her.

ch880723: Gosh, I followed that lady halfway around the zoo, thinking she was my Mom. Why don't Moms write their names on their calves so this kind of thing wouldn't happen? I wonder where I am. And where's Hobbes? I thought he was right with me. Uh oh. Where's Calvin? Why do these little family trips always turn out this way? I'm going to spend more Saturdays at the office.
Calvin says he followed that lady halfway around the zoo, think it was Mom. He wonders why Mom's don't write their names on their calves so that type thing doesn't happen. He wonders where he is, and he wonders where Hobbes is. Mom sees Hobbes on the zoo bench. She asks where Calvin is. Dad says these little family trips always turn out this way. He plans on spending more Saturdays at the office.

ch880724: Rustle rustle zing! WHAM! We tigers just LIVE for that! Not for long, you won't!
Hobbes sneaks behind a tree, then through some tall grass. He crouches, ready to attack. Calvin is unsuspectingly playing in his sandbox. He's covered in shadow, and he looks up. Hobbes crashes down on him. Hobbes brushes off his arms and says tigers just live for that. Calvin, peeking up from the sand, says that he won't for long.

ch880725: Here's Hobbes, but where's Calvin? I don't see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didn't he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back, and I'll go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
Mom and Dad look around for Calvin. Mom says they just turned their backs for a minute. Dad wonders why he didn't take Hobbes. Dad tells Mom to stay at the bench in case Calvin returns. He's going to go look for him. Dad complains that being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.

ch880726: Sheesh. Calvin could be anywhere in this zoo. I hope he at least has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. Where would the little rotter go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy? HIS NAME IS HOBBES, AND HE'S ... HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! TIGERS Panthera Tigris
Dad figures Calvin could be anywhere at the zoo. He looks around and says he hopes Calvin has the sense to stay put, wherever he is. He wonders where the little rotter would go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy. Calvin leans over the wall at the tiger cage and is yelling in to them to listen to him tell them about Hobbes.

ch880727: I know! Maybe Calvin't at the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much. Ha ha, maybe Calvin's IN the tiger pit, since he likes tigers so much.
Dad gets an idea. He thinks Calvin might be at the tiger pit, because he likes them so much. He starts walking. He chuckles as he thinks maybe Calvin will be in the tiger pit, since he likes them so much. He starts running.

ch880728: You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady, thinking it was Mom, and then when I realized I was lost, I went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Next time, you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time, there won't BE a next time, because we're just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were, I might add.
Mom is overjoyed to see Dad with Calvin. She asks where he was. Dad tells her he was looking at the tigers. Calvin explains that he followed another lady, thinking it was Mom. Then, when he realized he was lost, he went to ask the tigers if they'd seen Hobbes. Mom tells him to ask a person for help next time. Dad says that there won't be a next time, because they're going to tie him to a stake in the yard every weekend. Calvin tells Hobbes his compatriots were a fat lot of help.

ch880729: Do you know what day it is? Nope. Why? Oh, no reason. I was just curious. I sure like summer vacation.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin asks if Hobbes knows what day it is. Hobbes doesn't, and he wonders why Calvin asked. Calvin replies there was no reason, he was just curious. They start to doze off. Calvin says he sure likes summer vacation.

ch880730: So you want some water, huh? Well, I've got a big can of it here. It's up to ME to decide whether you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very LIVES are in my hands. Without ME you're as good as dead! Without ME, you don't ...
Calvin looks at a couple flowers. He has a water can with him. He asks the flowers if they want some water. He says it's up to him whether the flowers get water or not. He controls their fate. Their lives are in his hands. Without Calvin, they're as good as dead. Without him, they don't.... It starts pouring. Calvin frowns.

ch880731: Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well, I was just standing there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy, what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place, and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well, at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHAT'D YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDN'T DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK, OK! I'M GOING! YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN I'M NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE! Hey, Dad, catch the water balloon! Great reflexes, Dad. By the way, don't go in the house like that. Mom's in one of her moods again. I'll bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.
Dad leans back in his chair. He says he sometimes feels like he works all the time to afford his place, and he never gets a chance to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. As he's commenting he has his weekends to enjoy things, he hears Mom yelling at Calvin. He's tracked mud all over the house. She shrieks when she sees the couch Calvin has walked across. Calvin says he saw a muddy guy go running. Mom makes Calvin go outside. Calvin yells that he knows when he's not wanted. Finally, there is quiet. Then Calvin tosses a water balloon at Dad and tells him to catch. Dad gets soaked. Calvin walks away saying Dad has good reflexes. He adds not to go into the house like that, Mom is in one of her moods. Dad thinks he could get a lot of work done on the weekends.

ch880801: Mom? What, Calvin? You know the living room couch? What about it? Don't you think it's too wide? I was just ASKING!
Mom is painting something when Calvin yells for her. He asks if she knows the living room couch. When Mom asks what about it, Calvin asks if she thinks it's too wide. Horrified, Mom puts the paint down and goes to the living room. Calvin is standing with a saw behind his back. He tells Mom he was just asking.

ch880802: Wind wind RUMBLE Oh, no! POW! IT WASN'T TUNA! IT WAS PINEAPPLE! SEE?! All cans sound the same.
Calvin starts opening a can. He hears rumbling, realizes what's about to happen, and covers his eyes. Hobbes comes slamming into him. Calvin angrily picks up a chunk and shows Hobbes he was opening a can of pineapple, not tuna. Hobbes tells him all cans sound the same.

ch880803: The problem with having a tiger for a friend is that he always appears out of nowhere, coming at you at 90 miles an hour! AAH! *Whew* I thought I heard him. ... Gosh, my heart is still pounding. Where IS he?? Oh, THERE'S Hobbes. Thank goodness. You haven't been looking well, Calvin. Maybe you should go to bed earlier.
Calvin looks jittery as he walks along. He says the problem having a tiger for a friend is that he appears out of nowhere, coming right at you at 90 miles an hour. He looks around, startled. Calvin wipes his brow. He thought he had heard Hobbes. His heart is still pounding. He sees Hobbes on the floor. Mom tells him he hasn't been looking well. She suggests he should go to bed earlier.

ch880804: Boy, what a beautiful summer morning, huh, Dad? Too bad you can't stay home to enjoy it. When you're old, you'll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these, but of course, that's far off, and in the meantime, there's lots of work to be done. Yep, you'd better go to work, have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe you'll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me.
Dad gets ready to leave for work. Calvin tells him it's too bad he can't stay home to enjoy the beautiful summer morning. As Dad walks to the garage, Calvin yells to him that when he's old, he'll be sorry he didn't take advantage of days like this. He says that's far off, but there's lots of work to do in the meantime. He adds that Dad should have a good long drive in to work. Maybe he'll get home in time to watch the sun set. Calvin closes the door, walking back into the house, saying he'd hate to have a kid like him.

ch880805: What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging, and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. You'd do THAT? No, I'd do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity.
Hobbes is lying under a tree. Calvin comes up with a water balloon. He asks Hobbes what he'd do if he got creamed by the water balloon. Hobbes tells him to take the worst thing he can imagine, then imagine something a hundred times worse. Calvin asks if he'd do that. Hobbes tells him he'd do something worse. Calvin hits Hobbes with the balloon and takes off running. Calvin says Hobbes piqued his curiosity.

ch880806: BIP WHEEEE.
Calvin blows a soap bubble. He watches it start to float off. Then it pops, "BIP". Calvin says "Wheeee".

ch880807: The race will finish at that trr, OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo, I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! That's our best time yet for the 50-yard dash!
Calvin and Hobbes line up for a race. When Calvin take a lead, Hobbes holds the back of his shirt. When Hobbes gets a lead, Calvin pulls his tail. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. As they're wrestling with each other, Hobbes finally gets to the finish line. Calvin, lying on Hobbes' back, says ten minutes is their best time yet for the 50-yard dash.

ch880808: What are you doing with all your Dad's tools in the bathroom? This faucet drips, so I'm going to fix it. YOU'RE going to fix it? That's what I said. ... And you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr Doom. I didn't say anything.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's doing with all Dad's tools in the bathroom. Calvin tells him the faucet drips, so he's going to fix it. Hobbes clarifies that Calvin is going to fix it. As Calvin prepares to use the wrench, he tells Dr. Doom he can keep his comments to himself.

ch880809: Fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Does your Mom know you're doing this? Nope. It's going to be a surprise. And we all know how she loves surprises. I can't get this handle off. Pass me the hacksaw, will you?
Calvin says fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart, see what's leaking, plug it up, and put it back together. Hobbes asks if Mom knows he's doing this. Calvin says no, it's a surprise. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says we all know how she loves surprises. Calvin is having trouble getting the handle off. He asks Hobbes to pass him the hacksaw.

ch880810: Aren't you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
Hobbes asks if you aren't supposed to turn off the water before taking apart a faucet. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that's the problem he's trying to fix. You can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks. Calvin wonders where Hobbes was when they were passing out the brains. Suddenly, water starts spraying from the faucet. Hobbes says he'll get some paper and carbons for Calvin's written apology.

ch880811: Hobbes, quick! How do you turn off the water?!? How should I know?? I can't put this piece back in with all this water coming out! I'll get your Mom! MY MOM? Have you lost your mind? She can't find out about this! I'll bet she notices when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Open the medicine cabinet! Find some cyanide!
In a panic, Calvin asks Hobbes how to turn off the water. Hobbes doesn't know. Calvin can't put a piece back in with all the water coming out. Hobbes goes to get Mom. Calvin asks if Hobbes has lost his mind. He says Mom can't find out about this. Hobbes believes she'll notice when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Calvin opens the medicine cabinet, looking for cyanide.

ch880812: La da dee dee da I think I'll get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothing's wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Let's see, how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn.
Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs reading. They hear Calvin singing about getting a bucket, that nothing's wrong, how many buckets do they have, no cause for alarm, and no need to panic. Mom and Dad look at each other, point at each other, and both say "Your turn".

ch880813: Calvin, what are you doing? I'm ... uh ... going to the bathroom. Is everything all right? Fine! Don't come up! FLUSH
Dad yells up the stairs asking what Calvin's doing. He says he's going to the bathroom as the toilet flushes. Dad asks if everything is alright. Calvin says things are fine and not to come up. Hobbes is flushing the toilet while Calvin is up to his waist in water.

ch880814: Dinosaurs everywhere flee for their lives! Calvin is coming. The late cretaceous: the last epoch of the mighty dinosaurs. King of the thunder lizards is the fearsome Calvin, the tyrannosaurus! Seven tons of muscle and teeth, he searches for his prey! Calvin, for goodness sake, stop stomping around! You're driving me crazy! OW! CHOMP! How did the fearsome tyrannosaurus become extinct? Now we know!
Calvin, the tyrannosaurus, is king of the thunder lizards. Seven tons of muscle and teeth searches for prey. Mom sees Calvin hunched over with teeth bared. She tells him to stop stomping around. He's driving her crazy. Suddenly, Calvin bites Mom on the leg. As she chases him, Calvin asks how the fearsome tyrannosaurus became extinct. Now we know.

ch880815: What's all that water I hear? I'm coming in! Oh my gosh! ACKPBT! WHAT'S GOING ON?!? SPLUTB! BPLPTH! There! I got the water off. ALL RIGHT, CALVIN, WHERE ARE YOU?! H-hi, Dad. It's the end of the world, Calvin.
Dad hears the water, and he comes into the bathroom. He walks into the spraying water. He sputters about what's going on. He shuts the water off and looks for Calvin, who's hiding behind the shower curtain. Dad tells Calvin it's the end of the world.

ch880816: Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing, Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss, when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is, Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen, and sure enough, he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens, Dad! Big, evil, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it, and made me swear not to tell!
Dad asks Calvin what he was doing. Calvin tells him he was looking for dental floss and the handle blew sky high by itself. He changes his story to Hobbes playing around with Dad's tools. Calvin tried to stop Hobbes, but he wouldn't listen. Dad gives Calvin one more try. Calvin tells him big, bug-eyed monsters from Pluto did it and made him swear not to tell.

ch880817: Boy, Dad sure blew his stack THAT time, didn't he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM, you'd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dad's got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does, I sure wish you'd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh, now YOU'RE going to start on me TOO, huh?
Calvin and Hobbes are walking outside. Calvin complains that Dad blew his stack and calls Dad a sorehead. Calvin rants that Dad acts like nobody ever needed to call a plumber before. He says Dad has a job and can afford it. He says Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. Hobbes wishes that when Dad does, that Calvin would quit trying to pin his crimes on Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him, too.

ch880818: WAP Is this yours? No. What is it? For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.
Susie is just missed by a suction dart arrow. She hands it back to Calvin, dressed in an Indian costume holding a bow. She asks if the arrow is his. He says no, and asks what it is. Susie sticks the arrow onto his nose and knocks him down. On his back, Calvin says that for a girl, she's remarkably perceptive.

ch880819: No text.
Calvin has a bat on his shoulder and flips a baseball into the air. He swings and misses, as the ball falls to the ground. Calvin storms off dragging his bat on the ground behind him. He comes back with a golf club and prepares to hit the ball lying on the ground.

ch880820: Give me some cookies, or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do, stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heaven't sake, don't waste food, Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog, or did your Mom take it?
Calvin tells Mom to give him some cookies or he'll light the fuse and send them all to kingdom come. He has something in his hand. Mom looks at him and sees he tied a string to a hot dog. She tells him not to waste food and takes the hot dog from Calvin. He asks if he can have some cookies. Mom says no. Calvin says he wishes he could get his hands on some real dynamite. Hobbes asks if he can have the hot dog, or did Mom take it.

ch880821: I brought a scary story out, so we're all set. What's it called? "The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you." Gosh, this is the creepiest story I've ever heard! Don't stop. Keep reading. "Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight, it ..." What was that noise? Oh, stop it. This is scary enough. No, really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! It's the bog monster! Oh, no!! Oh, no!! Quick, turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK It's coming this way! We're doomed! It's getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh, my gosh, its... it's opening the tent flap! It's coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run, Hobbes, RUN! What are you doing in here?! Where's your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster must've got him! WHERE'S THAT KID?!
Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping in a tent in the backyard. They're reading a scary story. The bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glisten. Hobbes hears a noise. Calvin tells him the story is scary enough. SNAP! It must be the bog monster. Hobbes tells Calvin to turn off the flashlight. There is crunching and cracking outside the tent. Calvin says they're doomed. Hobbes says it's getting closer. They hear the tent flap being zipped. It's coming in. They scream, blind the bog monster with the flashlight, pull down the tent ropes, and run for it. Calvin sits on Mom's lap. She asks what he's doing in there, Dad had just gone out to check on him. As Dad yells from outside, Calvin tells Mom the bog monster must have gotten him.

ch880822: Everything floats randomly in the romm! There's no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle, aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum, turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. C'mon, you! Outside! You're really bouncing off the walls today. Aw, Mom!
Calvin floats around the room. There is no gravity. Calvin pushes off the ceiling and aims for the hallway. He glides with unchecked momentum. He turns himself so he can push off the next stationary surface. Mom scoots Calvin outside. She says he's really bouncing off the walls today.

ch880823: Extra pants... Three shirts, two seaters, two sweatshirts... Another pair of pants... Still trying to learn to ride that bicycle, eh? I don't need any comments from you.
Calvin puts on extra pants, three shirts, two sweaters, two sweatshirts, and another pair of pants. He waddles toward the door. Hobbes asks if he's still trying to learn to ride his bicycle. Calvin says he doesn't need any comments from Hobbes.

ch880824: A shadow falls over the large city skyscrapers! It's a gigantic ant! With one footstep, it pulverizes the entire downtown! Millions die instantly! The ant brushes the city off the map! People flood the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the horrible wreckage! Well... maybe I won't...
A shadow falls over the city's skyscrapers. It's a gigantic ant. One step pulverizes downtown. Millions die instantly. The ant brushes the city off the map. People flood to the streets in panic, only to be smashed in the wreckage. Calvin has his foot above an ant hill, ready to smash it. He decides maybe he won't.

ch880825: What are you doing, Susie? Drawing on the sidewalk. Wow! Can I too? Sure. Here's some chalk. Gosh, I've never been a vandal before! This isn't vandalism. It washes right off!
Calvin asks Susie what she's doing. She's drawing on the sidewalk. Calvin asks if he can join in. Susie hands him some chalk. Calvin starts drawing. He says he's never been a vandal before. Susie tells him this isn't vandalism. The chalk washes right off. Calvin flips the chalk down and walks off.

ch880826: OK, I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See, here it comes. Boy, that's a good one! Why can't my school portraits ever look like this?
Calvin feels one coming. He tells Hobbes to get ready. As he sneezes, Hobbes shoots the picture. Calvin asks if he got it. Hobbes shows him the picture. Calvin has his mouth open, sneezing. Calvin wonders why his school pictures can't look like that.

ch880827: Don't come in here! Why not? I'm roasting. You'll get hair in the water. Go do something else. HEY! Stop that! HEY! HEY! You think you've won, huh? Well, I'm not even going to TELL you what I did. ACKPTH!
Calvin is in the toy pool. He tells Hobbes not to get in. Hobbes is roasting. Calvin tells him he'll get hair in the water. Hobbes deliberately rubs some hair into the pool. Calvin yells for him to stop that. Calvin gets out of the pool. Hobbes climbs in. With an evil look on his face, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks he won. He says he's not even going to tell Hobbes what he did in the pool. Hobbes gets a horrified look.

ch880828: Well, summer is almost over, it sure went quick, didn't it? Yep. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Calvin and Hobbes are riding the wagon down the hill. Hobbes says summer is almost over, and it went by quickly. Calvin says there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

ch880829: TRIP BAP WHACK BAP
Calvin trips over a rock and falls face first to the ground. He gets up angrily, and he kicks the rock. He starts to walk off. The rock hits something and bounces back, hitting Calvin in the head, knocking him face first to the ground.

ch880830: I'm hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isn't until tomorrow. My tummy's growling. Hush. Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise.
Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Hobbes is hungry. Calvin tells him breakfast isn't until tomorrow. Hobbes' stomach is growling. Calvin tells him to be quiet. Hobbes reminds him most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Calvin's eyes open. In the kitchen, he's making Hobbes a sandwich. He says sometimes he wishes he had a dog. Hobbes tells him more tuna and less mayonnaise.

ch880831: Oh, no! There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store! The dinosaur heads for the meat department and devours the butcher! Shoppers everywhere flee for their lives! It's mayhem, destruction and carnage, in the aisles! Oh, no! Calvin, can't I take you ANYWHERE?! Now the tyrannosaurus wants cookies!
There's a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store. It heads for the meat department and devours the butcher. Shoppers flee for their lives. It's mayhem, destruction, and carnage in the aisles. Mom sees Calvin has knocked cans off the grocery shelves. She asks if she can't take him anywhere. Calvin, arms out and teeth bared, now wants cookies.

ch880901: Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices until his orbit takes him directly between the sun and earth. Calvin causes a total solar eclipse! Earch is shrouded in darknes. How long will Calvin stay there? Could you move, please? You're in my light. HA HA HAAA!
Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices him until his orbit takes him between the sun and the earth. He causes a solar eclipse. The earth is in darkness. How long will Calvin stay there? Mom is trying to read a book, and Calvin is standing on the back of the sofa blocking light from the lamp.

ch880902: Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You can't be elected Dad without a MOM, right? Are you going to keep the Mom I've had, or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime, Calvin. Of course I'll stick with your Mom. Aww.
Calvin reminds Dad Election Day is coming and asks if he's chosen a running mate. Dad asks what he means. Calvin informs him you can't be elected Dad without a Mom. Calvin asks if he's going to keep the Mom Calvin's had or get a new running mate. Dad smiles and thinks. Mom comes up and makes a fist. Dad says of course he'll stick with Calvin's Mom.

ch880903: I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "chocolate frosted sugar bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse, I'm so overstimulated I can't sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience, huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness.
Calvin tells Hobbes that rituals are important. He says his favorite ritual is eating three bowls of "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. He says after a few hours, he's so overstimulated he can't sit still or think straight. Hobbes says it's like a transcendental experience. Calvin says he achieves a lower consciousness.

ch880904: Can I have a different plate, Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet, OK, Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh, knock it off, Calvin, it's hamburger casserole. There's not a thing in there you don't like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasn't so bad, for some reason. I was able to choke it down, anyway. My stomach is still cramping up, but the pains aren't as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it, I can stand it. Good I'm glad this is such a hit.
Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit.

ch880905: All right, all right! I'm GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look, I'm going! I'm going! Sure, you think school's great NOW. But in a couple of hourse you'll MISS me! You'll see!
From inside the house, we hear "All right, I'm going". Then, "I can walk myself. OK, I'm going". Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him.

ch880906: There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well, he'll have fun once he gets there. See, he's even running now. He's all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE!
Mom looks out the window. She's in her robe, holding a cup of coffee. She is thinking that Calvin put up a fuss. She thinks he'll have fun as soon as he gets there. She sees Calvin running and thinks he's getting excited. Then she realizes, and she opens the door and yells. Calvin is running away from the bus stop. She yells for him to get back there.

ch880907: I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.

ch880908: I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... It's going to be a long year.
Calvin has his hand over his heart reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. He pledges allegiance to "Queen Fragg...and her mighty state of Hysteria". Miss Wormwood drags him down the hall to the principal's office. Calvin says it's going to be a long year.

ch880909: Hey, Calvin, you're on my swing. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, Moe. Oh no? Nope. You're so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet.
Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and greater maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Moe punches Calvin off the swing. Calvin, crumpled on the ground, says those TV nature programs will be the death of him yet.

ch880910: Yes, Calvin? May I be excused, please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go.
Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if he could be excused. He says he has to go, bad. Miss Wormwood lets him go. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin what he's doing home. Calvin tells her he had to go.

ch880911: So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub. OK, it's a deal. In fact, for another 25 cents, I'll take your Wednesday batch, too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum I'm washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now I'm washing my face! OK, you can come out now. That's long enough. Boy, that was easy. A few weeks of this and I'll be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. I'm not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! You're filty. Didn't you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. It's as good as spent.
Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates.

ch880912: Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain, toxic wastes, holes in the ozone, sewage in the oceans, and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's read the papers lately. He says grown-ups really have fouled the world up. Acid rain, toxic waste, holes in the ozone, sewage in the ocean, on and on. They walk a little further, and Calvin says the only bright side is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting for.

ch880913: You're packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes, we're outta here. It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! I'm LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know, sometimes you're a real load to have around. I was just ASKING!
Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him "Where to". Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around.

ch880914: How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earth's pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW, we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK, it's settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. I'll go get the wagon. We're going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadn't thought about that part. Obviously.
Hobbes suggests they could go to Mars to avoid Earth's pollution. Calvin figures if they go now, they can claim it and keep everyone else off it. Calvin goes off to get their wagon. Hobbes asks if they're going in the wagon. Calvin says of course, unless he wanted to flap his arms. Hobbes scratches his head and says he hadn't thought about that part. Calvin walks off saying "Obviously".

ch880915: So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago.
Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago.

ch880916: BLAST OFF! Do you really think we'll get enough lift to break Earth's gravity? Of course! You think I didn't plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what you'll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didn't you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME...
Calvin and Hobbes are going down the hill in their wagon. Hobbes asks if they'll get enough lift to break the earth's gravity. Calvin tells him yes, he's thought of everything. Hobbes asks what they'll eat on this trip. As the wagon flies off the ramp they built, Calvin tells Hobbes it was his job to pack food. Hobbes says he packed food for him.

ch880917: We did it! We cleared Earth's orbit! Mars, here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didn't bring the map?!
Calvin and Hobbes are in the wagon in space. Calvin says they cleared Earth's orbit. Calvin yells "Mars, here we come". Hobbes asks if he's sure this is the way. Calvin asks if he didn't bring the map.

ch880918: Call it. Tails. OK, best two out of three. OOOMPH Let's change this to TOUCH football, OK?
Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football.

ch880919: Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space, you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely we're all part of some great design, no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose, a reason for being. Doesn't it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what it's like to walk home.
Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home.

ch880920: Hang on! We're coming in through Mars' atmosphere. BONK BONK We've landed! We're the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still can't believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didn't want to turn around.
They are coming in through Mars' atmosphere. The wagon comes to a landing on the surface. Calvin says they're the first ones to land on another planet. What a historic moment! Calvin tells Hobbes he still can't believe Hobbes forgot the camera. Hobbes crosses his arms and says he did remember the camera. Calvin just didn't want to turn around.

ch880921: See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey, look! It's the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed here in the '70s. Gosh, I wonder if it's still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! I've always wanted to do something like that.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old "Viking" spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA.

ch880922: Well, this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like we're all set. What's this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy, you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet.
Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet.

ch880923: Yep, Mars may be a little dull, but it's better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH We've got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget, natural beauty as far as the eye can see. That's not your candy bar wrapper over there, is it? It was just there a minute! I wasn't going to leave it.
As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if that's Calvin's candy wrapper on the ground. Calvin hastily says it was only there a minute, and he wasn't going to leave it.

ch880924: I don't know about you, but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. It's very peaceful. Not only that, but we don't have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners, no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!!
Calvin and Hobbes both like it on Mars. It's very peaceful. Calvin also adds that Mom isn't there to boss them around. No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners. Hobbes looks quickly at the ground. He asks Calvin if that rock just moved. They hold onto each other and yell for Mom.

ch880925: You know what would make this house a lot better? No, what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. I'll file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! That's me. (Oof), the human slinky.
Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky.

ch880926: Oh my gosh, that rock moved! There's something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! It's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster! You're right! There's a tentacle now! It's coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH
Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks.

ch880927: Is the Martian still out there? I'll take a peek. I don't see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think he's scared of us? Why not? WE'RE scared of HIM. Yeah, but WE'RE just ordinary earthlings, not weirdos from another planet, like HE is.
Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a rock. Calvin wonders if the Martian is still out there. Hobbes takes a look. He doesn't see him, so he tells Calvin he must be hiding. Calvin whispers to Hobbes asking if he thinks the Martian is scared of them. Hobbes tells him why not, they're afraid of him. Calvin says they're just ordinary Earthlings, not weirdos from another planet like he is.

ch880928: Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings. Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean, is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained.

ch880929: I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah, we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other people's planets. After all, there's only one Earth, and it's got to last us a while. We also should go home because we're clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didn't rent out my room.
Hobbes thinks they should go home to earth. Calvin agrees, thinking they may not be welcome there. He thinks they should fix up their own planet before messing around with other people's planets. As they start down a hill, Calvin says there's only one earth, and it has to last them a while. Hobbes adds they should also go home because they're out of tuna. Calvin hopes Mom and Dad haven't rented out his room.

ch880930: There's Earth. We're almost home. Look, you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas, we live in a big, purple country. And our house is by the giant letter "E" in the word "States".
As they ride in the wagon through space, they approach earth. Calvin says you can see the continents. He says if he remembers his atlas, they live in a big, purple country. Hobbes adds their house is by the giant "E" in the word "States".

ch881001: Hi, Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well, well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted, but we discovered that Mars is inhabited, so we came back home. You didn't like the Martians? No, they didn't like US. I think they were afraid we'd junk up Mars the way we've junked up Earth. What's my good briefcase doing out, and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it, Dad? We go clear to Mars, and dumb ol' Hobbes forgets the camera!
Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera.

ch881002: Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dad's camera! Once there, he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter, Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck, Calvin's Dad will have the film developed soon, and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I don't remember taking these. Who's that little speck in the distance all the time? You haven't been fooling with my camera, have you? ME? Heck, no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed.
Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed.

ch881003: For show and tell, I have brought a space alien I captured in my back yard. Yes, for the last two days I've been keeping it in this special zarnium-coated bag, and feeding it pure ammonia! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! AARGH How'd it work? My teacher says Mom and Dad both have to sign my report cards this year.
Calvin brings in the space alien he caught in his back yard to show and tell. He tells the class that for two days, he's kept it in a special zarnium-coated bag, feeding it pure ammonia. He opens the bag, and he has a hand puppet on. He makes a growling sound. Later, Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin tells him the teacher said both Mom and Dad have to sign his report cards this year.

ch881004: SCOOTCH SCOOTCH GREETINGS. I AM X-387 ROBOT PROBE SENT FROM JUPITER. Mm hmm. MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS. No, you'll spoil your appetite. MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE. Go back to Jupiter, X-3 whatever.
Calvin scootches across the floor inside a box turned upside down. He moves over to Mom, sitting with a cup of coffee. In a robotic voice, he says he's a robot probe sent from Jupiter. He says his sensors detect trace amounts of chocolate in the pantry. He requests some to be loaded into his scoop for analysis. Mom refuses, saying it will ruin his appetite. Calvin says his mission must not fail. He tells the pitiful earth female to prepare for annihilation. He holds a rubber dart gun out. Mom tells him to go back to Jupiter.

ch881005: You know, when you think about it, our lives are pretty nice. A lot of kids don't have as good of a home life as we do. We really can't complain. ... which isn't to say we should go home yet. When do you think they'll see the car windshield?
Calvin tells Hobbes their lives are pretty nice. He says a lot of kids don't have as good a home life as they do. They really can't complain. They keep walking over rocks and fallen trees. Calvin adds that isn't to say they should go home yet. Hobbes asks when he thinks they'll see the car windshield.

ch881006: Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch. No! Go sit by someone else, OK? You always say your lunch is something revolting, and I don't want to hear it! Gee whiz, what's wrong with you? My lunch is peanut butter. What's so disgusting about that?! Hmph. I'm glad that one day out of the year you can be civil. It's my DESSERT that's gross! Look, a thermos full of phlegm!
Calvin asks Susie to guess what he brought for lunch. Susie wants no part of it. She tells him to sit somewhere else. He always says lunch is something revolting. Calvin is indignant. He asks what's so disgusting about peanut butter. He shows her the sandwich. Susie says she's glad that one day out of the year, he can be civil. Calvin tells her it's his dessert that's disgusting, a thermos full of phlegm.

ch881007: Calvin, will you run and get my purse, please? I need the calculator. Sure. Here you are. Thanks. Ahem. I'M NOT GOING TO TIP YOU!! Huh! See if I ever fetch anything again.
Mom asks Calvin to get her purse. She needs her calculator. Calvin goes to get the purse. He hands it to her, and Mom thanks him. He stands there and clears his throat with his hand out. Mom says she isn't going to tip him. Calvin walks off saying he won't fetch anything again.

ch881008: Election day is coming up, Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. I'm against them all. How's your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.
Calvin tells Dad Election Day is coming. People want to know where he stands on the issues. Dad asks which issues. Calvin informs him later bedtimes, expanded TV privileges, shorter school weeks, and less discipline. Dad says he's against them all. Calvin asks if Dad's IRA is well-funded.

ch881009: My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck, they'd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I don't see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are, but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think it's more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well, THAT goes without saying.
In the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he hates everybody. He can't see how anyone could fall in love, because people are jerks. Hobbes says that sometimes they are, but look at the colors of the trees today. Calvin looks around and says so what. Hobbes thinks it's more fun to see something like this with someone than by yourself. They look at each other. They walk off across a fallen tree. Calvin says he guesses, but he'd rather see this with a tiger than a person.

ch881010: MOMMMM What's the matter, Calvin? I don't feel good. What hurts? My stomach. I want Mom. ME? What's wrong with YOU, for crying out loud?!? You can ask him. Now let me get back under the covers.
In bed at night, Calvin calls for Mom. Dad comes in and asks what's wrong. Calvin doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts, and he wants Mom. Dad crawls back in bed, to find Mom curled up with the covers. She asks why her. What's wrong with him, for crying out loud? Dad tells Mom she can ask Calvin. Then he tells her to let him back under the covers.

ch881011: Sheesh, it's two in the morning. Why do kids always have to feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If he's going to get me up at this hour, he'd better REALLY be sick. BARRRFF I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Honey, pipe down. I'm trying to sleep.
Mom groggily looks at the clock. She wonders why kids always feel sick at two in the morning. She sits on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. She says Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. She says if he's going to get her up at that hour, he'd better really be sick. Mom opens her eyes wide when she hears Calvin barf in his room. She puts her arms out and shouts that she didn't mean it. Dad rolls over and tells her to pipe down, he's trying to sleep.

ch881012: It's been 20 minutes since you've been sick, so let's take your temparature. Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin. What'd you say, honey? IG GOMFA FOME UBHIGGIN. AACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Give me the thermometer! Run! Run!
Mom tells Calvin it's been twenty minutes since he was sick, so she takes his temperature. While Mom is waiting, she yawns. With thermometer in mouth, Calvin says "Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin". Mom glances at her watch and asks what he said. Calvin repeats it. She turns around and asks why he didn't say so. She asks for the thermometer and says "Run".

ch881013: I think the worst of this is over, so just try to get some sleep. I'm going back to bed, but give me a call, if you feel sick again, OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way!
Mom tucks Calvin back to bed and says she thinks the worst is over. She tells him to try to get some sleep. She says she's going back to bed, but that he should call if he feels sick again. Calvin weakly agrees. Mom closes the door and says "Poor little kid". Hobbes disgustedly pushes Calvin over and says there's nothing worse than a sick roommate. He tells Calvin to face the other way.

ch881014: It's scary being sick... especially at night. What if something is REALLY wrong with me, and I have to go to the hospital?? What if they stick me full of tubes and hoses? What if they have to operate? What if the operation fails? What if this is my... my... last night... ALIVE?? Then I can look forward to having the bed to myself tomorrow. Few things are less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.
Calvin says it's scary being sick at night. He wonders what if something is really wrong with him, and they have to take him to the hospital. He gets more worried about having tubes and hoses stuck in him, having an operation, and it being the last night of his life. Hobbes, being kept awake by all this, says he could then look forward to having the bed to himself tomorrow. Calvin says there are few things less comforting than a tiger who's up too late.

ch881015: Feel any better this morning, Calvin? No. I guess I'd better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. It's Saturday, by the way. You won't miss school. I know.
The next morning, Mom asks Calvin if he feels better. With eyes nearly closed, he says no. She tells him she better make an appointment with the doctor. He says OK. Mom reminds him it's Saturday, so he won't miss school. He wearily says he knows. Now Mom knows it's for real. She runs to the telephone.

ch881016: The valiant Spaceman Spiff, energetic inter-galactic explorer, comes in over the mountains of a strange planet! Our hero desperately hopes to find a rest area with working facilities. Spaceman Spiff lands on the distant planet Zokk. Climbing down from his spacevraft, our hero prepares to explore te surface! Unexpectedy, Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky! Spiff quickly realizes that Planet Zokk has only a fraction of Earth's gravity. With practice, our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.
Spaceman Spiff lands on the planet Zokk. He prepares to explore the surface. Spiff's first step sends him careening through the sky. Spiff realizes Zokk has only a fraction of earth's gravity. With practice, our hero finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Dad opens the bedroom door and yells to Calvin to quit bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.

ch881017: Well, it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him, and let me know if he isn't feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long, Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.
Calvin slowly puts his shirt back on. The doctor tells Mom that Calvin just caught the bug that's going around. He tells her to keep an eye on Calvin and let him know if Calvin isn't feeling better soon. Calvin sleepily walks away. The doctor tells him he was a good patient today. He then tells Mom there's nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Mom says she'd still rather let his teacher deal with him.

ch881018: I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesn't bring ME tea in bed.
Calvin is lying in bed. He says he gets to stay home from school. He gets to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. He says he wishes he could do that every day...like some people he knows. He looks over at Hobbes, who's also in bed with comics.

ch881019: I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow you're going to school.
Calvin wants some more toast. He yells "Room Service". He tells Mom that got her up there real fast. Mom tells him tomorrow, he'll go to school.

ch881020: I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that don't really matter? Like the book report you're supposed to be writing now on the book you haven't read? Exactly. Case in point.
Calvin thinks people worry too much about little things. He says all they do is make themselves unhappy that way. He asks Hobbes why get an ulcer over things that don't matter. Hobbes asks if he means things like the book report he's supposed to be writing now on the book he hasn't read. Calvin tells him "Exactly. Case in point".

ch881021: Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I don't even want to go? I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Calvin is standing at the bus stop in his rain coat. It's pouring rain. He asks why he's standing in the rain, waiting for a bus to take him to a place he doesn't want to go. The rain keeps falling. Calvin says he goes to school, but he never learns what he wants to know.

ch881022: I hate school. Each day I count the hours until school's over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over, and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school?
Calvin tells Dad he hates school. He goes on to say he counts the hours until school's over, he counts the days until the weekend, he counts the weeks until the month is over, then counts the months until summer. He always has to postpone what he wants to do for what he has to do. Dad rolls his eyes and welcomes Calvin to the world. Calvin then asks if Dad will sign a parental excuse to get him out of the next 11 1/2 years of school.

ch881023: I feel a big sneeze welling up. ... which is always a sure sign that I'm not carrying a handkerchief. Ah... Ah... Ah... CHOOOOO!! Mom, I sneezed and blew my head off! Pull your shirt down, Calvin. You're not fooling anyone. Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.
Calvin sneezes, and his head blows off. He walks, headless, into the other room. He tells Mom he sneezed and blew his head off. Mom pulls his shirt down and tells him he's not fooling anyone. Calvin says Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.

ch881024: Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof
Calvin is having trouble blowing up a balloon. He puffs into the balloon a few times. Suddenly, the air comes back from the balloon into Calvin's head. It puffs up several sizes too large. Calvin gives up and tosses the balloon over his shoulder.

ch881025: Hey, Susie, did you have any trouble with our math homework last night? No, why? I thought a couple of these were tricky. Can I check my answers with yours? OK. Thanks. What did you get for questions one? Seven. Seven? Good, that's what I got. What did you get for question two? DROP DEAD, CALVIN.
Calvin asks Susie if she had any trouble with the math homework last night. Susie says she didn't. He thought a couple answers were tricky. He asks if he can check his answers with her. Susie agrees. Calvin asks what she got for question one. Susie tells him. He says that's what he got as he writes down the answer. He asks what Susie got for question two. Susie tells him to drop dead.

ch881026: Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. He's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's RUNNING. And if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesn't let anything stop him. I just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he has ever sat and watched ants. Calvin points out one ant and says it's carrying a crumb that's bigger than he is, and he's running. He tells Hobbes if you put an obstacle in front of him, he'll scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He says the ant doesn't let anything stop him. Calvin tells Hobbes he just can't identify with that kind of work ethic.

ch881027: Just think, Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago, the first bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and finally a million years ago, man. Now in 1988, there's me. ... the acme of evolution. Oh, PLEASE.
Calvin tells Hobbes the earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago. He says 3 billion years ago, bacteria appeared. Then came sea life, dinosaurs, mammals, and a million years ago, man. Then he says that in 1988, there's Calvin. He calls it "The Acme of Evolution".

ch881028: It's not quite the same, is it? And it probably won't snow for another month at least.
Calvin and Hobbes rake up a pile of leaves. They run off, and come back with a carrot and a hat. They put them on the leaf pile, trying to make it look like a snow man. Hobbes says it's not quite the same. Calvin says it probably won't snow for at least another month.

ch881029: Z Z GRRR Z GROWLL RRR! Psst! Hey! Wake up! You're dreaming! Grrrr... And Mom wonders why I never look rested in the morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are sleeping. Hobbes suddenly starts growling and roaring in his sleep. Calvin tries to wake Hobbes up, to no avail. He has a worried look on his face. He decides to sleep on the floor. As he lies there, he says Mom wonders why he never looks rested in the morning.

ch881030: So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub
Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter to take a bath for him. Hobbes sits in the tub, while Calvin talks about washing his arms, dropping the soap, and washing his face. Hobbes offers to take his Wednesday bath for him, too. Calvin hands Hobbes a towel. Hobbes figures a few weeks of this, and he'll be rich. Hobbes dries himself with the blow dryer. They lie in bed when Mom comes to give Calvin a good night kiss. Calvin whispers for Hobbes to keep a straight face. BLEECH! Calvin is filthy. Calvin hands her the wet towel and asks if she didn't hear him take his bath. Back into the tub he goes. He wants his quarter back, but Hobbes says it's as good as spent.

ch881031: Look! A buckeye! Isn't it pretty? Look how perfect it is. I'm going to keep this one. What will you do with it? Try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.
Calvin finds a buckeye on the ground. He tells Hobbes how pretty and perfect it is. He says he's going to keep it. Hobbes asks what he'll do with it. Calvin tells him he'll try to dent Susie's skull from 50 feet.

ch881101: What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside, so I'm digging a hole to China. If Dad's going to be such a grouch, I figure I'll just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too, if you want. There's another shovel in the garage. You don't think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh, you know Dad. He'll get mad no matter WHERE we dig.
Hobbes asks what Calvin is doing. Calvin is digging a hole to China. Calvin says if Dad is going to be a grouch, he'll just go live on the other side of the planet. Calvin tells Hobbes he can come along, too. There's another shovel in the garage. Hobbes wonders if Dad will get mad with them digging up the driveway. Calvin says Dad will get mad no matter where they dig.

ch881102: Look what Mom made me! A super hero outfit. Don't I look cool? Now I can fight crime without anyone knowing my true identity! Yep, I'm all set now! ... So! Seen any crimes? Why do you care that nobody knows your identity?
Calvin shows off the super hero outfit Mom made for him. It has a mask and cape. He says he can fight crime without anyone knowing his true identity. He asks Hobbes if he's seen any crimes. Hobbes wants to know why he cares that nobody knows his identity.

ch881103: Calvin, take off your outfit before you sit at the table, OK? Calvin? Who's Calvin? I'm Stupendous Man! Stop being silly. And do as I asked you. But Mom, I NEED to wear this for dinner! No you don't. Let's go. But Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel!
Mom tells Calvin to take off his outfit at the dinner table. Calvin says he's Stupendous Man. Mom tells him to stop being silly and do what she asked. Calvin says he needs to wear his costume for dinner. Mom says he won't. Calvin says Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel.

ch881104: Mom said I can't go outside until I finish my homework. If you'll help me, I'll be faster. What's five plus seven? I don't know. I don't either. Then write, "I don't know." Hey, that's a true answer, isn't it! I can write that for ALL of these! We're done! We'd better have a look at our prodigy's homework.
Calvin is doing his homework. He tells Hobbes Mom won't let him go outside until he finishes. He suggests Hobbes help him so he can get done faster. He asks Hobbes what five plus seven is. Hobbes doesn't know, nor does Calvin. Hobbes suggests he write "I don't know" as the answer. Calvin agrees that's a true answer. He can write that for all the questions. He's done. Out the door he and Hobbes go. Inside the house, we hear someone saying they're going to have a look at their prodigy's homework.

ch881105: Want to go play outside? No. I'm watching TV. You hate this show. Let's go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me, and for all he cared, I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So you're going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to play outside. Calvin doesn't, he's watching TV. Hobbes reminds him he hates that show. Calvin explains that Dad was sick of arguing with him and told him he didn't care if he watch TV until his brains oozed out his ears. Hobbes asks if he's going to. Calvin tells him it was a hard-won privilege.

ch881106: Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1,500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon, the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise, his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvin's elementary school! ... sigh...
Calvin pilots his F-15. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile, the jet shrieks over the ground. The target comes into view, and Calvin fires. Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy. Mission accomplished! Calvin's school is reduced to a smoldering crater. Calvin gets off the school bus, heads toward the school, and sighs.

ch881107: Well Dad, we're right down to the wire, and the polls say you won't be Dad here much longer. It seems you're just not likeable enough. Those polled continue to find you a cold fish. If you want some advice, I suggest you do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Go to bed. No, no! It's WAY too late to learn how to tell jokes.
Calvin informs Dad that the polls indicate he won't be Dad much longer. He says Dad just isn't likeable enough. Those polled continue to find Dad a cold fish. Calvin suggests Dad do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Dad tells Calvin to go to bed. Calvin slaps his forehead and says it's too late for Dad to learn to tell jokes.

ch881108: Ten... Fifteen... Six... Twenty-two... HIKE! YAAAA AUGH! Another five yeard loss! We've got to get some other players.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls the signals. Hobbes snaps the ball. Hobbes immediately turns around, jumps up, and tackles Calvin. Hobbes says there is another five yard loss. Calvin says they've got to get some other players.

ch881109: Boy, you're lucky YOU don't have to go to school like I do. You don't know what it's like to get up on these cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh, am I keeping you awake?! I'm SORRY!
Calvin gets out of bed, telling Hobbes he's lucky he doesn't have to go to school. He tells Hobbes he doesn't know what it's like to get up on cold, dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Hobbes says he does know, and Calvin asks how. Hobbes curls up with the covers and says that Calvin tells him every morning. Calvin yells that he's sorry if he's keeping Hobbes awake.

ch881110: Hey! This (mmf) isn't (ooch) how you play the game! You still haven't tackled me!
Calvin is trying to catch Hobbes, who has the football. Hobbes keeps running, with Calvin in close pursuit. Hobbes goes into the house and crawls under the chair. Calvin, caught under the chair, complains this isn't how the game is played. Hobbes tells him he still hasn't tackled him.

ch881111: Off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said, "Off". I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to forget it, he just got on. Calvin says Moe will have to wait his turn like everyone else. Moe pulls him off and cocks his fist. Calvin, lying in a cloud of dust, says he keeps forgetting rules are only for little nice people.

ch881112: HIKE! Whoops! Heh heh... I'm losing the game, but winning an ambulatory adulthood.
Calvin is ready to snap himself the football. Hobbes is crouched on the other side of the ball ready to pounce. Calvin snaps the ball and Hobbes prepares to jump. Calvin flips the football to the ground for a fumble, where Hobbes pounces upon it and runs for a score. Calvin says he's losing the game, but he's winning an ambulatory adulthood.

ch881113: RINGGG What a day. KAPOW You think that's funny? Come back here and fight, you weasel! What happened to YOU?? Don't ask. I'm going upstairs to change. NOT AGAAINN! Where's Calvin? I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores, asking if they'd buy his tiger.
Calvin gets off the bus after a rough day. He opens the door, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes that if he thought that was funny, he should come back and fight. He trudges up the stairs. Mom notices he looks dirtied and asks what happened. He tells her not to ask. He heads to his room to change. When he opens his room door, Hobbes crashes into him again. Later, Dad asks where Calvin is. Mom tells him she sent him to his room for making prank calls to pet stores. He was asking them if they'd buy his tiger.

ch881114: Hey, Susie, can I borrow your black crayon? OK, but don't break it. And don't peel the paper off, and color with all sides of it so it stays pointy. Geez, why don't you take out an insurance policy on it? Just don't ruin my crayon. What are you drawing anyway? Black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Give me my crayon back.
Calvin asks if he can borrow Susie's black crayon. She hands it to him, but tells him not to break it, don't peel the paper off, and to color with both sides so it stays pointy. Calvin asks why she just doesn't take out an insurance policy on it. She tells him not to ruin the crayon. She asks what he's drawing. Calvin tells her black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Susie demands her crayon back.

ch881115: Hey! What's this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See, there's rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didn't put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well, he's EATING it now, right? Gosh, wait 'til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner!
Calvin looks at his soup and starts to complain about it having rice in it. Mom asks to see. Calvin shows her, and he tells her he hates rice. She tells him she didn't put rice in. Those are maggots. Dad frowns, puts his hand to the side of his face, and says this is another lovely meal at home with his family. He wishes his job required more travel. Mom tells him that Calvin's eating the soup now. Calvin can't wait to tell everyone at school what they had for dinner.

ch881116: Uh oh. HOOP EEP! I've god the hiccups something terrible, Mom. Drink some water.
Calvin stops and says "Uh oh". HOOP! His head stretches vertically. EEP! His head stretches horizontally. He tells Mom he has the hiccups something terrible.

ch881117: BANG! I gotcha! ARGG! GAACKK UGHH! Here. What's this? It's your death rattle!
Calvin and Hobbes are dressed in cowboy hats. Hobbes shoots Calvin with his finger. Calvin grabs his chest and falls backward. Hobbes hands him something. Calvin asks what it is as he shakes it. Hobbes tells him it's his death rattle.

ch881118: It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you're a girl, what would make you go on living? The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when you're 17. Ha! Not ME! Gross!
Calvin tells Susie it must be awful to be a girl. He goes on to say it must be frustrating to know men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Calvin asks if you were a girl, what would make you go on living. Susie replies the thought of jerks like him begging one of them for a date when they're 17.

ch881119: The tyrannosaurus stalks the cretaceous shores. The 5-ton carnovorous lizard can run faster than a charging rhino! What could be more horrifying? STOP THAT CLOMPING AROUND!! ... besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom...
The tyrannosaurus stalks the ground. The five-ton carnivorous lizard can run faster than a rhino. What could be more horrifying? The dinosaur hears "Stop that clomping around". Calvin, hunched over with teeth bared, says "besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom".

ch881120: I've never liked crayons very much. They just don't have any flavor at all. For an art project, I'm supposed to draw my pet, but since I don't have one, I'll draw you. OK! Look ferocious. How's this? That's great. Hold still, now. Hmm... mm... ARRGH! This isn't coming out good at all! I can't draw tigers! I hate this class! Here, let me try. The good things about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. Hey, that's pretty good. Put some human heads around him, as if he just ate a village. How's that? Boy, this is great! I'll have the best picture in the whole class! I can't wait to show everyone! Wow! Thanks, Hobbes! But I'm NOT lying! My TIGER drew it! Do you think I could draw something that good MYSELF?? Yes...
Calvin has an art project. He supposed to draw his pet. Since he doesn't have one, he's going to draw Hobbes. He has Hobbes look ferocious. Calvin has trouble drawing the picture. He gets angry and crumples the paper. He says he hates his class. Hobbes asks to try. Hobbes says drawing tigers automatically makes your picture fine art. Calvin likes the picture Hobbes is drawing. He adds a couple heads next to the tiger to look as if he ate a village. Calvin thinks that's great and that he'll have the best picture in the class. Calvin is explaining to the principal that Hobbes drew the picture, not him. He asks if the principal thinks he could draw anything that good himself.

ch881121: When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
Calvin is writing an assignment. He writes that he wants to be an inventor. He writes that he'll build a time machine, and go to yesterday. Then, he'll take himself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

ch881122: MOMMM, I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, OK? What's the matter? It wasn't locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heaven's sake! From now on, don't call me to come to the door unless it's locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
Calvin comes home from school. He stands outside the house, yelling for Mom to open the door for him. Mom does, but mentions the door wasn't locked. He tells her sometimes Hobbes is ready to pounce on him when he returns home. Mom tells him not to call her to come open the door unless it's locked. Calvin says he sure outsmarted Hobbes this time. When he enters his bedroom, he sticks his tongue out at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin a sissy.

ch881123: Boy, I'm in a bad mood today! Everyone had better steer clear of me! I hate EVERYBODY! As far as I'm concerned, everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum. WELL-L-L? DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO CHEER ME UP?!?
Calvin walks along with a frown on his face. He says he's in a bad mood today. Everyone should steer clear of him. He goes on to say he hates everybody. He says everyone can drop dead, for all he cares. People are scum. He crosses his arms and keeps the scowl on his face. Then he asks if someone doesn't want to cheer him up.

ch881124: Get out of my way! I'm in a bad mood. I'll bet a pet dog would've gotten out of my way.
Calvin walks up to Hobbes, who's lying on the ground. Calvin says he's in a bad mood. He tells Hobbes to get out of his way. Hobbes sits up and holds his paw out. Calvin is puzzled. He's startled as Hobbes pops his claws out. Calvin turns around to walk away. He grumbles that a pet dog would have gotten out of his way.

ch881125: Watch out, Mom. I'm in a bad mood. Be in a bad mood somewhere else, OK? I'm busy. Hmph! I'll bet my biological mother would've bought me a comic booka nd made me feel better instead of shunning me like YOU. Kid, anyone BUT your biological mother would've left you to the wolves long ago. Yeah, right. Really, how much did you pay for me?
Calvin warns Mom he's in a bad mood. Mom, working in the kitchen, tells Calvin to be in a bad mood elsewhere. She's busy. Calvin looks back over his shoulder and says his biological mother would have bought him a comic book and made him feel better instead of shunning him like she did. Mom crouches down to tell Calvin anyone but your biological mother would have left him to the wolves long ago. Calvin doesn't believe her and asks how much she paid for him.

ch881126: Waht's your tail for? My tail? Yeah, why do tigers need tails? Gee, I'm not really sure. I guess just because they look good. So it's sort of a necktie for your butt? Let's not be vulgar. You're just jealous.
Calvin asks Hobbes what his tail is for. Hobbes isn't really sure. He guesses it's because they look so good. Calvin asks if it's sort of a necktie for his butt. Hobbes accuses Calvin of being jealous.

ch881127: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. On 'THREE,' ready? One... two... three! SNOW! I SAID SNOW! C'MON! SNOW! SNOW! OK, then, don't snow! See what I care! I LIKE this weather! Let's have it forever! PLEEAASE snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok, eight inches! That's all! C'mon! Six inches, even! How about just six?? I'M WAAIITING... RRRRGGHHH DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME AN ATHEIST?
Calvin looks to the heavens and yells for snow. He keeps yelling for it to snow. Then he says he doesn't care. He likes this weather and hopes it stays like that forever. He gets to his knees to beg for snow. He clutches his hands together in prayer. He just wants a foot, then eight inches, then he'd settle for six. He yells that he's waiting. He runs around in circles. Finally, he stops. He looks again to the heavens and asks "Do you want me to become an atheist".

ch881128: WHO MADE THIS MESS OUT HERE?! It wasn't ME, Mom, it was... uh... it was... it was a horrible little venusian who materialized in the kitchen! He took out some diabolical high-frequency device, pointed it at various objects, and... mothers are the necessity of invention.
Mom yells asking who made the mess. Calvin says it wasn't him, it was a horrible little Venusian who materialized in the kitchen. He continues explaining this creature had a diabolical high-frequency device and pointed it at various objects. Calvin sits on his bed saying "Mothers are the necessity of invention".

ch881129: I'M HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do, step on a land mine? When's Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about?
Calvin comes home from school. KAPOW! Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin walks in all disheveled. Mom asks if he stepped on a land mine. Calvin asks when Dad is going to build the tiger pit he keeps asking him about.

ch881130: Calvin, where are you? Get out here! Come on, Calvin, I'm getting tired of this. I MEAN it, Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later she's going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble.
Mom is looking for Calvin. She comes up the stairs asking where he is. She looks in a closet and says she's getting tired of this. She says she means it and wants him to come out for his bath. Calvin is outside his bedroom window sitting on the roof. He says sooner or later, Mom's going to have to question whether this is worth all the trouble.

ch881201: I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. C'mon, snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far.
Calvin is standing waiting for the bus. He looks up and says he wishes it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so they'd have to close school. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, wishing for snow. Something's coming down. Unfortunately for Calvin, it's rain. Calvin is now standing in the rain waiting for the bus. He says it was so close, yet so far.

ch881202: You think God lets you plea bargain? I'd worry more about your Mom.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the middle of a totally demolished living room. Calvin is holding a bat, Hobbes a ball. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks God lets you plea bargain. Hobbes says he'd worry more about Mom.

ch881203: Hello? Hi, Dad! It's me, Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin, I'm at work! I don't have time to tell you a story now. I'm very busy! Get off the phone. I'm expecting important calls. OK, Dad. I'll just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with my own Dad who's always working. Right, right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1), the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2), and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story.
Calvin calls Dad at work to ask him to tell a story. Dad tells Calvin he's busy and doesn't have time to read a story. He says he's expecting several calls and to get off the phone. Calvin tells him he'll stay there growing at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with his Dad, who's always working. Dad starts reading a story about a hydraulic pump, the wheel shaft flange, and the evil patent infringement. Calvin says he wants a good story.

ch881204: Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky, striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes, it's STUPENDOUS MAN, champion of liberty, defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only STUPENDOUS MAN can save the day! Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis, MOM-LADY! Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!? Oh, no! Stupendous Man's stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished! This would have been plenty humiliating WITHOUT the goodnight kiss. And take off that silly hood before you smother over in your sleep.
It's Stupendous Man, champion of liberty, defender of free will. Some fiend plans to establish a totalitarian system of rule. It's as he expected. It's his arch-enemy, Mom lady. Calvin has his hood and cape on, and Mom says she told him to go to bed. As Mom carries him up the stairs to bed, Calvin says Stupendous Man's powers are no match against his adversary. Stupendous Man is vanquished. After being placed in bed, Calvin wipes his cheek. He says this would have been plenty humiliating without the goodnight kiss. Mom tells him to take off the silly hood before he smothers in his sleep.

ch881205: Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet, our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down, Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO!
Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school.

ch881206: I don't understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There's no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending, I guess. Sure, but sooner or later it's going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?!
Calvin can't figure out how Santa runs his operation. He asks how Santa can give toys away. He asks Hobbes how Santa buys raw materials for the toys and how he pays the elves. There's no income to cover the costs. How does he do it? Hobbes suggests deficit spending. Calvin agrees, but wonders where he'll be when it all catches up to Santa.

ch881207: Dear Santa, Hi, it's me, Calvin. This year I've been extra good, so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do.
Calvin is writing to Santa. He writes that this year he's been extra good. Hobbes, looking over Calvin's shoulder, starts laughing and holds his paws over his mouth. He turns away, continuing to fight the laughter. Calvin looks at him with squinted eyes and a frown. He suggests perhaps Hobbes needs a drink of water. Laughing, Hobbes agrees and leaves.

ch881208: Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didn't forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. This says "Volume One". "Atom Bomb" through "Grenade Launcher". You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.
Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say "Volume One". Calvin tells her it's "atom bomb" through "grenade launcher". Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.

ch881209: It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery.

ch881210: A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead, daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see!
A lone knight charges up the hill toward the giant cave at the top. The monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a fireball. The knight is fried to a crisp. The dragon circles overhead, daring other fools to come after him. Calvin is in bed with a nasty grin. Mom asks if he brushed his teeth. Calvin tells he to come and see.

ch881211: Here we are at the top of "Dismemberment Gorge". Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good?
Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says he's been good all day so far. Hobbes asks if Christmas is getting near. Calvin wonders if it's truly being good if the only reason he behaves is to get more loot at Christmas. All he's doing is saying he can be bribed. He wonders if that's good enough, or does he need to be good in heart and spirit. As they crash into a tree and go flying, Calvin asks if he really has to be good or does he just have to act good. Hobbes, covered in snow, says in Calvin's case, Santa will have to take what he can get.

ch881212: I'm gonna pound you in gym class, shrimp. Get your kicks now, you glandular freak, because once you grow up you can't go beating people up for no reason. Yeah, I guess you're right. That really wasn't what I meant at all.
Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all.

ch881213: What grade did you get? I got an "A". Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a "C". Why on earth would you rather get a "C" than an "A"?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
Calvin asks Susie what grade she got. She happily replies an "A". Calvin says he'd hate to be her. He got a "C". Susie asks why on earth would he rather get a "C" than an "A". Calvin tells her he finds his life is a lot easier the lower he keeps everyone's expectations.

ch881214: Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dad's going to take your picture. Hold still. I don't WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. We're going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR...
Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

ch881215: Ready? OK, give me a nice smile. That's good. One... two... three! CLICK My hair's getting messed up, Dad!
Dad aims the camera. He asks Calvin for a nice smile. Dad starts the count. Calvin is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face. When the count reaches three, Calvin makes a weird face. CLICK! Dad chases Calvin. Calvin tells Dad that his hair is getting messed up.

ch881216: I don't have much film left, so stop making faces when I take the picture, or your name's mud. You could've been done 20 minutes ago if you'd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED!
Calvin is sitting on the stool again. Dad tells him he doesn't have much film left. He tells him to quit making faces. He says he would have been done 20 minutes ago if Calvin had cooperated. He tells Calvin to give him a smile and hold it. Calvin partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. CLICK! Dad yells. Calvin claims that was a smile.

ch881217: We can't send these in our Christmas cards. People will think it's sacrilegeous. Well, these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair.
There are photos Mom and Dad are looking at. One looks like Calvin had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has his looking backward. Dad says they can't send those in the Christmas cards, people would think it's sacrilegious. Mom says the pictures do look like Calvin, except for the combed hair.

ch881218: Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting, yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Now's my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! You'd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santa's gonna skip this block for years.
Calvin has a slushball. He sees Susie coming and says this is his chance. Susie sees him cocking his arm. She tells him he'd better not throw the slushball. Santa Claus is watching him right now. Calvin stops, and he thinks. Finally, he lets loose the slushball. WHAP! Calvin rejoices. He says it was worth it. He's not sorry. It was beautiful, and he'd do it again in a minute. He laughs. Suddenly, he sees Susie coming after him. He runs. Calvin, now buried in snow, says Santa's going to skip this block for years.

ch881219: Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I don't know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.

ch881220: I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? I have a better idea. C'mere. OK, step outside. Why? What's outside? In a few minutes, you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad!
Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him.

ch881221: Read me "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie." C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else?
Calvin asks Dad to read "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey". Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else.

ch881222: MOMM! MOM! What is it? What's the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didn't answer. She must not know. I'm telling you, it's true.
Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true.

ch881223: I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.

ch881224: How's my peanut butter sandwich coming? You're using chunky peanut butter, right? I won't eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Don't put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I don't like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles, so be sure to cut it right! Your majesty's sandwich. HEY, this is a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?!
Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says "Your majesty's sandwich". Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening.

ch881225: I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think "Santa"would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever.
Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever.

ch881226: There's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window, that is.
Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, "through a window, that is".

ch881227: I can't take bath in this! The water's BOILING! I'll scald myself! What are you trying to do, cook me alive?? Well, forget it! I'm not getting in! By the time you quit fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it, the water will be perfect. Boy, does she know me.
Calvin points to the full bathtub and says he can't take a bath in that. The water's boiling, and he'll scald himself. He asks Mom if she's trying to cook him alive. Mom opens the bathroom door and says by the time he quits fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming, takes off his clothes and gets in, the water will be fine. Calvin does and says his Mom really knows him.

ch881228: Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK.
Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay.

ch881229: Boy, did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I don't even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didn't want to talk about it.
Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it.

ch881230: Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak, aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government.
Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government.

ch881231: Disgusting denizen of the deep, the giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sigh of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway! MISS WORMWOOD!
The giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sight of an enemy, he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway. Susie is covered with ink, raising her hand and calling for Miss Wormwood.

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995