Calvin and Hobbes: 1987

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch870101: Calvin, I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You don't need to tell me all the time!
Calvin comes into the house tracking mud behind him. Mom yells that she hopes he took his boots off before he walked across the floor. Calvin takes his boots off, leaving them on the floor. He yells back to Mom that of course he did. She doesn't have to tell him all the time.

ch870102: Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh, yes. Lots.
Calvin pulls his toboggan up the hill. He wipes his head from the effort. Later, when he returns home, he asks Dad if he's given any more thought to Calvin's suggestion of a backyard ski lift.

ch870103: Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
Hobbes comes wobbling along, eyes wide open, body swirling. Calvin says Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.

ch870104: What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. It's cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know you're alive! C'mon out gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, C'mon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok, ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... there's one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
Dad comes in the house, happy about the chilly weather. He says this weather lets you know you're alive. He calls for Mom and Calvin to come outside. He says it's a perfect day. Calvin and Mom, sitting near the fireplace, yell to Dad to "Close the dumb door". Dad goes back outside, while Calvin asks Mom just how long she knew him before they married.

ch870105: Watcha doin'? I'm writing my autobiography. But you're just six years old. I've only got one sheet of paper.
Hobbes comes up to Calvin, who's sitting at his desk writing. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's writing his autobiography. When Hobbes points out that he's only six years old, Calvin points out that he only has one sheet of paper.

ch870106: Hi, Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. It's very good. You like it? Sure, I think it's ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
Hobbes is lying in bed reading a book. Calvin asks if it's the book he gave him. Hobbes replies yes, and starts to explain why. Calvin stops him. He brings paper and a pencil over and asks Hobbes if he'd mind writing it in two pages for Calvin by tomorrow morning.

ch870107: Mom, was I adopted? No, why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! You're not just fattening me up to eat me, are you? Good heavens, Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? That's right. "Ridiculous ideas" she called them. Oh, sure, you think your mom's going to tell you?
Calvin asks Mom if he was adopted, and Mom says no. Calvin then asks if she's planning on Calvin working in a cannery 14 hours a day when he's seven, and Mom says no. He then asks if she's fattening him up so he can be eaten. Mom wants to know who put all those ridiculous ideas into his head. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom called them "ridiculous ideas". Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she'd really tell him.

ch870108: Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
Susie is walking along in the snow. A snowball flies overhead. Suddenly, several snowballs come toward her, but none hit. Calvin is standing in the distance next to a wheelbarrow with some snowballs in it. Susie yells that for all the preparation, Calvin is sure a lousy shot.

ch870109: Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
Calvin sits on the top of the snowy hill on his sled. He's thinking that it's okay to go down the hill, he'll miss the trees. He'll stop before he goes over the ledge at the bottom. He won't go into the ice-covered pond. Besides, the ice is probably really thick. Calvin says his brain is trying to kill him.

ch870110: Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
Calvin is getting his coat and boots on to go outside. As Calvin walks along, he hears "Galosh, galosh, galosh".

ch870111: Boy, is this hill big! We'll have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? There's a rock up ahead! Look out! Or, as a third possibility. Do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything? Not so close to the ledge! Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad or crazy? Aughh! I can't look! Wump! You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. I choose crazy.
As they come down the hill on the sled, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he thinks human nature is good or evil. Hobbes wants Calvin to watch out for the trees. Calvin clarifies about being basically good, with bad tendencies or basically bad, with good tendencies. Hobbes wants his to watch out for the rock. Calvin offers a third choice, that people are basically crazy. Hobbes thinks they're too close to the edge. Calvin wants to know what Hobbes thinks. Hobbes can't watch as they crash into a tree. Calvin thinks it's rude for Hobbes to change the subject after each sentence. Hobbes chooses crazy.

ch870112: I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Goodness, why'd you do that? I dunno, I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking through the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he called Susie a booger-brain at school and she went home crying. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin says he was just teasing her. Hobbes tells Calvin that it sounds like he hurt her feelings. Calvin says he didn't mean for Susie to take the insult personally.

ch870113: Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? It's just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldn't care. I'd say, "Who needs you, Calvin? I've got a hundred other friends!" Then my hundred friends and I would go do something fun, and leave Calvin all alone! Ha! ... and as long as I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony.
Susie wipes a tear from her eye. She wonders why Calvin is so mean. She wishes she had a hundred friends, then she wouldn't care what Calvin said. She goes on to say she and her hundred friends would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone. But then, Susie sits down. She says that as long as she's dreaming, she also wants a pony.

ch870114: I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it. Maybe you should apologize to her. I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution.
Calvin tells Hobbes he feels bad about calling Susie names and hurting her feelings. He says he's sorry he did it. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize to her. Calvin keeps hoping there's a less obvious solution.

ch870115: Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Yeah, right.
Susie walks through the snow saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". She walks along smiling, then drops her head down and says "Yeah, right".

ch870116: Um ... hi, Susie ... I ... uh ... well ... Get lost Calvin. You're mean. Don't walk away! I'm trying to apologize, you dumb noodleloaf! Slap!
Calvin walks up to Susie and haltingly starts to apologize. Susie tells him to get lost and that he's mean. She walks away. Calvin yells after her that she shouldn't walk away, he's trying to apologize. Then, he calls her a dumb noodleloaf. He smacks himself on the forehead.

ch870117: Susie, I'm sorry I called you names. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Well, you did hurt my feelings. But I accept your apology. Thank you. Oh boy, thank goodness I got that over with! ... on second thought, let's see you grovel a little bit!
Calvin runs after Susie. He tells her he's sorry he called her names and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Susie says her feelings were hurt, but that she accepts his apology. Calvin happily runs off saying that goodness that's over with. Susie yells after him that on second thought, he should grovel a little bit.

ch870118: Should I or shouldn't I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh, don't play innocent with me, you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, it takes one to know one, Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises, promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin, time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...
Hobbes hits Calvin with a snowball. Calvin accuses Hobbes, who proclaims his innocence. Calvin calls him a liar. Hobbes replies Calvin is Mr. Tapioca Head. Calvin has been maligned. He promises not to speak to Hobbes again. They stick their tongues out at each other. Calvin mocks Hobbes walking. Hobbes returns the insult by mocking Calvin. They continue making fun of each other and making noises. Mom yells for them to come inside. Calvin laments Mom's interruption of their repartee. Hobbes is sure he had Calvin wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

ch870119: Hey, Hobbes, you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out, you lunatic! Don't get huffy. I want to savor this.
Calvin comes in with a couple envelopes and says one is for Hobbes. Hobbes is so happy, since he never gets letters. He looks at the envelope wondering who could have sent it and what could it be. Calvin yells for him to open it and calls him a lunatic. Hobbes tells him not to get huffy and that he wants to savor this.

ch870120: Well? Well? What'd you get? It looks like an invitation. An invitation? Who'd invite you anywhere? A lot of people, that's who, buster. There's obviously been some mistake, nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You can't get the insurance. Well somebody is inviting me somewhere. I got an invitation. Who? What's it say?? Read it already!! Probably some big state dinner. I hope I can find my cummerbund.
Hobbes looks at what he got in the mail. He says it's an invitation. Calvin wants to know who would invite him anywhere. Calvin says no one invites a tiger because you can't get the insurance. Hobbes says someone is inviting him. Calvin shouts for Hobbes to tell him who invited him and to read the invitation. Hobbes figures it's probably some big state dinner. He hopes he can find his cummerbund.

ch870121: So what does the invitation say, you dumb hairball? Call me names, will you? I'll read it when I'm good and ready. Aargghh! Oooohh! Mpf! Ggh! Rrgghghmfmff! Ok, now I'm ready ... ahem ... "Dear Hobbes." Faster!
Calvin continues to badger Hobbes about his invitation. He asks what it says and calls Hobbes a dumb hairball. Hobbes tells him he'll read it when he's good and ready. Calvin burns with impatience. Hobbes starts reading his invitation....slowly. Calvin yells at Hobbes to read faster.

ch870122: Well, well! It's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No, it doesn't say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately, she probably wanted to insure it so she'll know it didn't get lost. Sometimes those take longer. I'll have to sign for it and all. I'm sure she's taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says, "You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with, if you must."
Hobbes reads that it's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. Calvin asks if it talks about him, and Hobbes says no. Calvin thinks his invitation must have been sent separately. Susie probably insured it so it wouldn't get lost. Those invitations take longer to arrive. Calvin figures he'll have to sign for his invitation when it comes. Hobbes notices something on the back of the invitation. Susie wrote that Hobbes can bring "that stupid kid you hang around, if you must".

ch870123: We get to go to a birthday party! That stupid Susie. Balloons, cake, presents ... oh boy! She won't be getting a very big present from me, that's for sure. I bet we'll play games too! It will be fun! Hmph. Maybe we'll play "Spin the Bottle"! Oh get real!
Hobbes celebrates being able to go to the birthday party. Calvin calls Susie stupid. Hobbes talks about the balloons, cake and presents. Calvin says Susie won't be getting a big present from him. Hobbes figures they'll play games, too. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests they might play "spin the bottle". Calvin yells for him to "get real".

ch870124: I'll make a list of possible gifts for Susie's birthday. What should we give her? how about a mouth full of broken teeth? That's what I'd like to give her. oh, don't be so cranky. I think we should get her a can of tuna fish. Tuna fish? Why would she want that? Well, maybe she wouldn't, and we could offer to take it back ... and borrow some bread, a little mayo ... right Hobbes.
Hobbes is making out a list of gifts they could give Susie. Calvin suggests a mouth full of broken teeth. Hobbes thinks a can of tuna fish would be better. Calvin wonders why she'd want that. Hobbes figures maybe she wouldn't want it, they could offer to take it back, get some mayo and bread...

ch870125: Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing checkers. Hobbes makes some jumps and wins the game. Calvin pitches a fit. He says he hates it when Hobbes wins, he hates the game, he hates the world. Calvin goes on to accuse Hobbes of cheating, and says he didn't want to play in the first place. Around and around he goes, yelling the whole time, until he flops down to the ground panting. Hobbes reminds him it's just a game. Calvin says he knows and that Hobbes should see him when he loses in real life.

ch870126: Susie's house is the next one up. This is our last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking to Susie's party. Calvin has a gift in his hands. As they approach her home, Calvin says this is their last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.

ch870127: Hi, Susie. Happy birthday! Hello, Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh, look at your stuffed tiger! He's wearing a tie! He's just adorable! Ok, you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. C'mon in.
Susie opens the door, and Calvin hands her the gift. She thanks them for coming and they step inside. She notices Hobbes is wearing a tie. She picks him up and hugs him. Grudgingly, Calvin tells Hobbes that he was right about girls flipping for ties and that he can stop winking at him.

ch870128: Ok, everyone. The idea of a scavenger hunt is to bring us back as many of these items as you can in half an hour. Let's go! Quick Hobbes, what's the first item? An old license plate. Great! I saw one on the way over! C'mon! good thing I always carry a Swiss army knife. Nobody's coming, right? Is this game legal?
Susie has a scavenger hunt at her party. Off go Calvin and Hobbes for the first item, an old license plate. Calvin remembers seeing one on their way over to Susie's. He pulls out his Swiss army knife and starts to remove the plate from a car. Hobbes wonders if this game is legal.

ch870129: Here's a paper plate for the birthday cake, Calvin. Thank you. I hope it's good. I hate it when the birthday kid chooses something gross like coconut. You don't have to worry. It's chocolate. Oh, good. Did you see it? Hey! Who cut a piece of my cake already?! I didn't even get to blow out the candles!! It's nice and moist, too.
Susie hands Calvin a paper plate for his piece of birthday cake. Calvin whispers to Hobbes that he hopes the cake is something good and not gross like coconut. Hobbes tells him not to worry, the cake is chocolate. Calvin asks if he saw the cake. Susie yells that someone cut a piece out already, and that she didn't even get to blow out the candles. Hobbes whispers that it's nice and moist, too.

ch870130: Glad you both could come. Thank you for the nice present. Good-bye. Mom may not want this piece of cake and ice cream we're bringing her.
Susie thanks Calvin and Hobbes for coming to her party and for her gift. Calvin and Hobbes are walking home, and Calvin stops. He digs into his pocket while something puddles up on the ground. He says Mom may not want the piece of cake and ice cream they're bringing her.

ch870131: Hey! It snowed last night! Oh, boy! Look at it all! They'll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately, that's a relative measure.
Calvin looks out the window and sees that it snowed. He's sure they'll have to close all the schools. He says the snow must be waist deep. As he stands waiting for the school bus, we see that it is waist high...his waist. Calvin says "Unfortunately, that's a relative measure".

ch870201: Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage.
Calvin, wearing sunglasses, and Hobbes are dancing to the music. They're swinging to the beat. Mom sits up in bed and says that he's playing classical music at 78 rpm, or she's dreaming. Dad says first thing in the morning, he's calling the orphanage.

ch870202: What's the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know, our grades. Grades? We're being graded? Of course, dummy. What did you think? Don't we even get a few practice semesters?
Calvin asks Susie what the teacher is handing out. Susie tells him it's their report cards. Calvin asks if they're being graded. Susie replies yes. Calvin asks if they don't get a few practice semesters.

ch870203: I brought my report card home dad. Well! Let's see it! Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest, right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
Calvin tells Dad he has his report card. Dad asks to see it. Calvin reminds Dad that he once said it didn't matter what grade you got, as long as you were trying your hardest. Dad looks at the card and yells Calvin could be trying harder than this. Calvin then asks if Dad admits to lying before.

ch870204: Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as "homework time." I don't think that's fair! If it doesn't take that long to do, why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah, can I help it I'm so fast?
Calvin complains that Dad says the report card shows not enough time is spent on homework. From now on, the time from dinner to bedtime is homework time. Calvin says that's unfair. He thinks if he finishes it faster than that, he shouldn't have to stay in his room. Hobbes is sitting at the desk writing Calvin's homework. Hobbes asks if he can help it if he's so fast.

ch870205: Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuff's impossible to work with. Thanks. I've got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet, but it sort of squashed, so now I think it's a bowl. Mmm that's very good. Yeah, I'm real pleased with it.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he can have some clay. Calvin says to help himself, and that the stuff is impossible to work with. Calvin says he has a pretty good bowl or something going. He says it started out as a Phantom jet, but got squashed. So now, he thinks it's a bowl. As he says he's proud of it, Hobbes works his clay into a tiger reaching out. Hobbes says Calvin's bowl is very good.

ch870206: Uh oh. There's a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere, tell him it's almost time for dinner. I'd invite you, but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
Calvin comes growling into the kitchen. Mom says there's a dinosaur in the kitchen. She asks the dinosaur to tell Calvin it's almost time for dinner. She mentions she would invite the dinosaur to eat, but that dinosaurs aren't allowed at the dinner table. Calvin growls out of the kitchen into the dining room. He thinks dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.

ch870207: Let's go Calvin. Time for your bath. I'm not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
Mom is by the bathtub, and she yells for Calvin to come take his bath. Calvin replies he's not taking baths anymore. Mom asks how he's going to stay clean. Calvin picks up the vacuum cleaner and says "Easy".

ch870208: Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
Calvin and Hobbes are pushing a big snowball. Calvin says this will be the biggest snowman ever. He says people will come from miles to see their snowman. Hobbes can't push the snowball anymore, so Calvin tells him to leave it there. Hobbes says he's exhausted. Calvin tells him he can't stop now, they need nine more. The snowball they've been pushing has been only one of the snowman's toes. As Hobbes walks off, we see Calvin has been stuffed into the snowball and has his head poking out the top of the snowball.

ch870209: Where's Dad? He's in the living room, making a fire. A fire! Oh boy! Oh, in the fireplace.
Calvin asks Mom where Dad is. She tells him he's in the living room, making a fire. Calvin runs into the living room with a big smile on his face. He stops as he sees Dad and says "Oh. In the fireplace".

ch870210: Wanna call that a single, or give this up?
Hobbes carefully makes a snowball and throws it. Calvin swings his bat and hits the snowball. PIFF! Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to call that a single or give this up.

ch870211: What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didn't say.
Calvin picks up a bunch of Christmas lights and goes outside. Dad asks Mom what Calvin wanted the lights for. Mom replies that Calvin didn't say. Dad figures in that case, they better check. We see the lights have been placed on the roof of the house spelling out the message "UFOs! Land here".

ch870212: Where do we keep all our chainsaws Mom? We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin. We don't? Not any? Nope. How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
Calvin asks Mom where they keep all their chainsaws. Mom tells him they don't have any chainsaws. Calvin asks if they don't have any, and Mom says no. Calvin walks off wondering how he's ever going to learn to juggle.

ch870213: The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back.
A giant amoeba slides across the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod, the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Mom looks over as the cookies are being eaten. She pulls the blanket off Calvin, telling him "Nice try. Put them back".

ch870214: The majestic eagle circles slowly in the clouds. With eyes so sharp he can spot movement a mile below. He sights his prey and dives! Reaching speeds of more than 100 mph, his unwary prize will never know what hit it! Wake up Dad! It's Saturday! Zz ... wha?
A majestic eagle circles in the clouds. He spots his prey and dives. The unwary prize won't know what hit it. Calvin is diving on top of Dad, who's lying asleep in the bed. Calvin tells Dad to wake up, it's Saturday.

ch870215: Here is success Mr. Jones. He lives an a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is the new Mercedes in the driveway. It's anyone's guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges. Here comes Mr. Jones out of his attractive suburban home. He hops in his red sports car. Off he goes to work. 80 ... 90 ... 100 miles an hour! ... along the edge of the Grand Canyon!! Suddenly his steering wheel locks and he brakes fail! He careens over the edge! Oh no! Down he goes! His only hope is to climb out the sun roof and jump! Maybe, just maybe, he can grab a branch and save himself! He unwinds the sun roof! Can he make it? No! The car explodes in mid-air propelling millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere! Kablooie! The neighbors hear the boom echoing across the canyon. They pile into a mini-van to investigate! What will happen to them?
Calvin is playing with a toy car on his sofa. Mr. Jones hops into his sports car. He drives to work, faster and faster, along the edge of the Grand Canyon. His steering locks and his brakes fail. Over the edge he plummets. Mr. Jones tries to climb out his sun roof to grab a branch in an attempt to save himself. The car explodes in mid-air, sending millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere. The car lies on the floor as Calvin looks at it. Calvin puts the toy back on the sofa and starts the saga of the neighbors, who've heard the booms across the canyon. They get in their mini-van to investigate. Calvin wonders what will happen to them.

ch870216: Dad, did you do a mating dance when you first saw mom? A mating dance? Yeah, I saw some birds do it on TV. They went, "awk awk braau-auukkk!" yes, that's more or less how I reacted. To what, wise guy? ... think carefully.
Calvin asks Dad if he did a mating dance when he met Mom. Calvin explains he saw some birds do it on TV. Calvin shows how the birds looked, flapping his arms and making squawking noises. Dad says that's more or less how he reacted. Mom leans over the back of the chair Dad's sitting on and asks what he was reacting that way to.

ch870217: Out you go, Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness, you're a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.
Mom puts Hobbes in the clothes dryer. Calvin waits while the dryer runs. Finally, the bell rings and Calvin opens the dryer. Hobbes is all frizzy. Calvin tells him he's a fright. Hobbes asks for Calvin to tell his Mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.

ch870218: I cleaned my room, Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well, that was very thoughtful. Of course, this isn't going to be a habit or anything.
Calvin comes down the stairs and tells Mom he cleaned his room. He tells her he did it without her having to tell him. She compliments him on being thoughtful. Calvin walks away smiling, then turns around and yells that this isn't going to be a habit or anything.

ch870219: How come it doesn't take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe I'm more efficient. Maybe you don't do as good a job. Why don't you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok, can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin, this dust ball is going to be our little secret, all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear, I thought you did this room!
Dad is vacuuming, and Calvin asks him why it doesn't take him as long to clean as it does Mom. Dad supposes he's more efficient. Calvin suggests he doesn't do as good a job. Dad asks Mr. Critic to find something to do. Calvin picks up a big dust ball and asks if he can take it to "show and tell" tomorrow. Dad kneels next to Calvin and says this dust ball is going to be their little secret. Mom yells from the other room. She says she thought Dad had already done the room.

ch870220: I've been in the water about 20 minutes look at my fingers. They're all wrinkled! So are my toes! Pretty neat huh? "Big pink raisin discovered in tub - boy's whereabouts unknown!" Aaugh!
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He points out his fingers and toes, which are all wrinkled. Calvin thinks it's neat. Hobbes imagines a news heading "Big pink raisin discovered in tub, boy's whereabouts unknown". Calvin shrieks and starts climbing out of the tub.

ch870221: For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in, she'll thank me. Mark my words.
Calvin comes up behind Mom and tells her for the next 60 seconds, he will conduct a test of his emergency broadcast equipment. He then yells at the top of his lungs. Mom jumps up from her chair. Calvin concludes his test. He says if this had been a real emergency, he would have screamed lots more times. As he sits on his bed with a scowl on his face, Calvin tells Hobbes that when the house caves in, she'll thank him.

ch870222: Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired, Dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.
Mom and Calvin are playing. She tickles him, chases him through the house, then tickles him some more. Calvin is laughing and giggling. Finally, Mom suggests they stop and calm down. Mom curls up and falls asleep. Calvin tells Dad her plan backfired. He's all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed.

ch870223: Oh, Mom, I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin, I wish you'd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Here's the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! You're not going to school like that! Aw c'mon, Mom! It's class picture day!
Calvin is eating breakfast and tells Mom he needs Crisco for school. Mom hands him the Crisco and tells him he should remember these things the night before. Calvin puts a bunch in his hair. Mom can't believe he did that. She tells him he's not going to school like that. Calvin pleads with her. It's class picture day.

ch870224: What with your hair? I told Mom I'm getting my school picture taken today, and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. That's true. You do. Well don't just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There, much better! What'd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee, I wish I had a mirror.
Calvin is standing at the bus stop with his hair slicked down. Hobbes asks what the deal is with his hair. Calvin says Mom made him take the Crisco out of his hair. Now he says he looks like a moron. Hobbes agrees. Calvin tells him to do something and not just stand there. Hobbes makes points out of the sides of Calvin's hair. Calvin wants to know if it's new wave and asks if it's cool.

ch870225: The bus is going to be here any minute. You're sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. You're not kidding me, are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... "Astro boy." All right! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's sure he's fixed his hair so it looks okay. Hobbes says it looks great. Calvin doesn't believe him. Hobbes tells him to trust him and that he looks like "Astro Boy". Calvin is happy with that and now can't wait to get his picture taken.

ch870226: Calvin! What did you do to your hair?? Don't you know we have our pictures taken today? Of course, silly. That's why I did it. It's Crisco. Does your mom know you look like that? Sort of. Hobbes fixed me up a little bit at the bus stop. Wow. I wish I had some Crisco. Wait till Mom sends my picture to Grandma!
Susie is shocked at Calvin's hair. She reminds him it's class picture day. He tells her that's why he did it. Susie wonders if his Mom knows he looks like that. Calvin tells her "sort of". He says Hobbes fixed him up at the bus stop. Susie puts her head in her hands and wishes she had some Crisco. Calvin can't wait till Mom sends his picture to Grandma.

ch870227: Ok, kid, sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. That's it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? don't take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid, put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok, take one quick!
The photographer sits Calvin on the stool and tells him to look at him. Calvin starts taking his shirt off. The photographer tells him not to take his shirt off, but Calvin tells him he has a face painted on his stomach. The photographer tells him to put his shirt back on. Calvin points out that when he breathes out, the picture changes. He tells the photographer to take a picture quick.

ch870228: Look, Hobbes, I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Aren't they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah, see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mother's going to go into conniptions of course. Oh c'mon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring.
Calvin has his school pictures and shows them to Hobbes. Hobbes starts laughing at Calvin and his hair. He says the pictures are great. Calvin agrees. Hobbes rolls onto his back laughing and points out one picture with a funny expression. Calvin says he got one of his eyes to roll back on that one. As Hobbes wipes tears of laughter from his eyes, he points out that Mom is going to go into conniptions. Calvin says think of the memories the pictures will bring years from now.

ch870301: Glik glik glik. Oh no! what have I done?!? The human body is 80% water. Little did Calvin realize how critical it is to maintain that! Now it's too late! By drinking that extra glass of water, Calvin has upset that precious balance! He is now 90% water! Everything solid in Calvin's body begins to dissolve! He is becoming liquid!! His only hope is somehow to get to an icebox and freeze himself solid until he can get proper medical attention! Unfortunately, as a liquid, Calvin can only run downhill! Can he make it? Can he make it?? I don't think I'm going to make it. There's a gas station up ahead. Just hold on. Didn't I tell you not to drink so much before we left?!
Calvin has upset his body's water balance. Everything solid in his body begins to dissolve. He is becoming liquid. If he could get to an icebox, he could freeze himself until he can get medical attention. But he can only run downhill. Can he make it? Calvin, sitting in the back seat of the car, doesn't think he can make it. Mom tells him there's a gas station ahead and to hold on. Dad reminds Calvin he told him not to drink so much before they left.

ch870302: Calvin, how do you explain this test score? It's terrible! I didn't study for it. What do you mean you didn't study for it? Why not? I forgot. You forgot? How could you possibly forget?? What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I? Don't give me this amnesia stuff!
Dad is questioning Calvin as to why his test score was so terrible. Calvin says he didn't study for it. Dad asks for clarification as to why he didn't study for it. Calvin tells him he forgot. Dad wonders how he could have forgotten to study. Calvin holds his hands out, eyes wide, and asks where and who he is. Dad tells him not to give him that amnesia stuff.

ch870303: Gee, it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin, knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? You're not fooling anyone, young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... you're asking for an early bedtime, kid. Well, he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is "dessert" you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. That's it, bed!
Calvin is at the dinner table, and he thanks the strangers for having him over for dinner. Dad tells him to knock it off. He says Calvin does not have amnesia. Calvin tries to concentrate as he says this all seems vaguely familiar. Dad says he's asking for an early bedtime. Mom says Calvin seems to remember he likes dessert, as Calvin digs in. He says his memory might return if he had some more dessert. Dad tells him to go to bed.

ch870304: I've had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since you won't stop it, you're going to bed. You can let me know if you want to be serious. Wink. Aauughh! Mister, there's a tiger in this room!!
Dad carries Calvin up the stairs saying he's had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since Calvin won't stop it, it's off to bed. Dad tells him to let him know if he wants to be serious. Calvin winks at Hobbes as Dad leaves. When Dad closes the door, Calvin yells out that there's a tiger in the room.

ch870305: Calvin, all we want is for you to study and do your best in school, education is very important. That's why this amnesia game has to stop. No more "forgetting" to do your homework. Ok? Ok, mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right, Dad. You got it.
Dad sits on the bed and tells Calvin that they just want him to study and do well in school. He tells Calvin education is very important. He tells him that's why the amnesia game has to stop. Calvin needs to stop "forgetting" to do his homework. Dad asks "OK?", Calvin replies "OK, mister". Dad leans forward and yells "OK?", Calvin replies "uh, Dad. Right, Dad. You got it".

ch870306: I'm glad to see you're doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... I'm doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didn't say phenomenal.
Dad looks in on Calvin doing his homework. Dad says he's glad Calvin is doing his homework and asks how his math class is coming along. Calvin tells him great. Dad wants to know how great. Calvin says real great. Dad asks if he's been passing all his quizzes. Calvin replies he didn't say phenomenal.

ch870307: RING RING RING RING RI ... It's never for me and I hate taking messages.
Calvin walks by the ringing telephone. It continues to ring as he walks over to the wall. He pulls the phone cord out of the plug, which stops the phone from ringing. Calvin says it's never for him, and he hates taking messages.

ch870308: I'M HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school, I though you might appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and I'll thank you.
Hobbes peeks out the window, sneaks behind a potted plant, hides under the chair, and finally races toward the door. Calvin comes in the door and is immediately pounced upon by Hobbes. As Hobbes sits on Calvin's back, he tells Calvin that after seven boring hours of school, he figured Calvin would appreciate one moment of pure, abject terror. Calvin wants Hobbes to let him get his bat to show his thanks.

ch870309: Hobbes, look! There's a little raccoon on the ground. Is it alive? I think so, but he's hurt. See, he's hardly breathing. Better not touch him if he's hurt. Yeah. You wait here and guard him. I'll run and get Mom. I sure hope she can help. Of course she can! You don't get to be Mom if you can't fix everything just right.
Calvin finds a little raccoon on the ground. It's hurt and is barely breathing. Hobbes suggests not touching him. Calvin decides to go tell Mom. Hobbes hopes she can help. Calvin tells him you don't get to be a Mom if you can't fix everything just right.

ch870310: There's Hobbes guarding him, Mom. The little raccoon's right over there! Ooh, Calvin, I don't know if we can save him. He looks pretty bad. Go get a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Right! I don't think this poor little guy is going to make it, Hobbes (sigh) I hate it when these things happen. ... you can tell I'm upset when I start talking to you.
Calvin and Mom come back to the raccoon. Mom isn't sure they can save him. She sends Calvin for a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Calvin runs off, and Mom sits next to Hobbes. She says she doesn't think the raccoon will make it. She hates when things like this happen. She then realizes she's talking to Hobbes and says you can tell she's upset when she starts talking to him.

ch870311: Well, I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. We'll keep him in the garage, and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are, I'll be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin, you don't even know what we're having.
Mom puts the raccoon in the box. She tells Calvin all they can do is keep him warm and safe. She tells him they'll put him in the garage and out some food and water. Calvin mentions he read that raccoons will eat almost anything. He says chances are he'll be happy to donate most of his dinner. Mom tells him he doesn't even know what they're having.

ch870312: Has he eaten anything? No. don't die little raccoon. It wouldn't be very grateful of you to break my heart.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking at the raccoon. Hobbes asks if he's eaten anything, and Calvin replies no. They continue to look at the raccoon. Calvin tells the raccoon not to die. He says it wouldn't be grateful of the raccoon to break his heart.

ch870313: I can't sleep. Me either. I keep thinking about the raccoon. I hope he lives. Me too. I think animals are always so cute.
Hobbes can't sleep. Calvin can't either, from worrying about the raccoon. Hobbes hopes the raccoon lives. Calvin does, too. Hobbes says that he thinks animals are always so cute.

ch870314: Dad, did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Waahhhh!! I'm sorry too, kiddo. But he didn't have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could, but now he's gone. Sniff. I know I'm crying because out there he's gone, but he's not gone inside me.
Calvin asks Dad if he checked on the raccoon. Dad says he did, and the raccoon died. Calvin starts crying. Dad consoles him by saying the raccoon didn't have much of a chance. Dad says that at least the raccoon died warm and safe. They had done all they could. Calvin sniffles and says that even though the raccoon is gone from outside, he's not gone from inside.

ch870315: Here's a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. You're kind of fuzzy! Ok, make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Let's see! Let's see! It's developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! It's great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Let's take some more! That's it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Aren't they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film?
Calvin has an instant camera and takes a picture of Hobbes. He has Hobbes make faces and odd poses as he takes the pictures. They laugh as they see the developed pictures. Calvin takes the pictures to Dad, who wonders why all the pictures are of Hobbes. Calvin says they're a scream. He'd like ten bucks for another roll of film.

ch870316: This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world.
Calvin shows Hobbes where Dad buried the raccoon. Calvin says he didn't even know the raccoon existed a few days ago, now he's gone forever. He says it's like he met the raccoon for no reason. As soon as he said hello, he had to say good-bye. As Calvin sniffles, he says that in a sad, awful, terrible way, he is glad he met the raccoon. As they walk over the hill, Calvin says "What a stupid world".

ch870317: You know Hobbes, I can't figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didn't do anything wrong. He was just little! What's the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!? It's either mean or its arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies. Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
Lying in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't figure out that dying stuff. He wonders why the raccoon had to die, it hadn't done anything wrong. It was so little, what was the point of putting him here and taking him so soon? Both of them crawl under the bed. He says it's either mean or arbitrary, and either way he's got the heebie-jeebies. Hobbes wonders why they always discuss those type of things at night.

ch870318: Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle. She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But don't you go anywhere. Don't worry.
Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom said death is as natural as life and is part of the life cycle. He says Mom told him people don't really understand it, but there are many things people don't understand. They just have to do the best they can with the knowledge they have. As they start to walk away, Calvin says he guesses that makes sense. He then hugs Hobbes and says "but don't YOU go anywhere". Hobbes tells him not to worry.

ch870319: Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now it's a mud pit! This sign says, "Future site of Shady Acres condominiums." Animals can't afford condos! "Shady Acres"? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer.
As they continue their walk in the woods, Calvin asks what happened to the trees. They've been cleared out. Calvin says there used to be lots of animals in the woods, now there is just a mud pit. Hobbes reads a sign saying that area will become the Shady Acres condominiums. As Hobbes looks around, the only shade he sees is from a bulldozer.

ch870320: Where are all the animals supposed to live now that they cut down these woods to put in houses?? By golly, how would people like it if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in new trees?!? No good, they didn't leave the keys.
Calvin wants to know where the animals are going to live since they've cut down the woods. Calvin wonders what people would think if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in trees. Calvin and Hobbes both look up. Hobbes checks the bulldozer, but the keys weren't left in it.

ch870321: It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow, and they leveled it in a week. It's gone. After they build new houses here, they'll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations, and pretty soon this whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there won't be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. I think if you're born, it's too late.
Calvin notes the woods took a hundred years to grow, but was cut down in a week. He states that after the houses are built, roads will be widened, and gas stations will be built. The whole area will be just a big strip. Eventually, there won't be a nice spot anywhere. Calvin wonders if you can refuse to inherit a world. Hobbes thinks once you're born, it's too late.

ch870322: Kablooie! Ooooh, you've twicked me for the wast time, wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy, I wish I had some dynamite! Boy, I love weekends! What better way to spend one's freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin, you've been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! It's a beautiful day! You should be outside! It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well, I guess that's that. Come on. Hi, Susie, are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure, hurry up! It's a commercial.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the sofa watching television. Calvin thinks there is nothing better for spending weekends. Dad tells him he's been watching television all day and needs to get out and do something. He says kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air, have fun, and get some exercise. Dad closes the door on them. They walk over to Susie's house. Calvin asks if she's watching TV and wonders if they can come in. Susie says they can, but to hurry. There's a commercial on.

ch870323: Hobbes, want to see my transmogrifier? I didn't know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber, set the appropriate dials, and it turns you into whatever you'd like to be. It's amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isn't it?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see his transmogrifier. Calvin says he just got it, which is a cardboard box sitting upside down. He explains you just step in, set the dials, then turn into whatever you want. Hobbes is amazed at what they can do with corrugated cardboard these days.

ch870324: This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator, and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room, just write it on the side.
Calvin shows Hobbes that you can set the transmogrifier dial to whatever you want. He explains that the machine restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel, a baboon, a giant bug, or a dinosaur. The arrow on the side of the box can point to those choices. Hobbes wonders what happens if you want to be something else. Calvin explains he left some room, so you can just write it on the side.

ch870325: Well, what do you say? Would you like to be transmogrified? I don't think so. Being a tiger is my area of expertise. Don't be scared. The process is instantaneous and completely painless. Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story gastropod - a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Gosh, how can I refuse? Well, if you don't like that, be something else! I don't care!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to be transmogrified. Hobbes thinks being a tiger is his area of expertise. Calvin tells him not to worry, the change is painless and instantaneous. Calvin tells Hobbes to just think, he could be a 500-story tall gastropod, a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Hobbes rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. He wonders how he can refuse. Calvin tells him that if he doesn't want to be that, to pick something else. Calvin doesn't care.

ch870326: Look, if you can't make up your mind, I'll go first and turn myself into something. I'll show you. But what's the point of turning yourself into something else? No one's done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok, I'm in. set the dial on "lungfish" ... no make it "musk ox" ... no ...
Calvin is impatient with Hobbes. He says he'll go into the transmogrifier first. Hobbes wants to know what the point is to changing yourself into something else. Calvin tells him to think of the knowledge gained. Hobbes comments on what horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. From inside the box, Calvin tells Hobbes to set it to "lungfish", then changes his mind to "musk ox", no wait...

ch870327: What are you going to transmogrify into? How about a tiger? That's a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Just turn the arrow and push the button then. All right, here you go. Zap! Did it work? Boy, I'm hot. How do you stand having all this fur?
Hobbes asks what Calvin is going to transmogrify into. Calvin thinks maybe a tiger. Hobbes thinks that's a great idea, because the world can always use another tiger. Hobbes sets the control and ZAP! Hobbes asks if it worked. Calvin says that he's hot and wonders how Hobbes can stand to have all that fur.

ch870328: So you're a tiger now? Yep, let me out. Words fail me. I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he's a tiger now. He replies yes. Hobbes lifts the box. He looks down on a Calvin-sized version of himself, complete with furry cheeks. Hobbes states that words fail him. Calvin says he's disappointed, too. He reminds Hobbes that transmogrification is a new technology.

ch870329: Thanks for the lunch Mom! I'm going outside. Refueled, the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin, you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30,000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking, I'm afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. We're stacked up over Washington, and we'll be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin, you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog, from now on I'm playing "bus".
Calvin pretends he's an airplane. He runs down the sidewalk and takes off. He reaches cruising altitude and serves a small, tasteless snack. His return is delayed over Washington by all the other aircraft, so he'll have to circle for about forty minutes. He's cleared for landing and comes down. Calvin comes reeling into the house. Mom says that she saw him running around in circles for almost an hour and wonders if he's trying to make himself sick. Calvin mumbles something about playing "bus" next time.

ch870330: So Calvin, what's it like to be a tiger now? Kinda fuzzy, but not that different. So! What do you want to talk about? Do we eat soon?
Hobbes asks Calvin what it's like to be a tiger. Calvin replies that it's kinda fuzzy, but not much different. They look at each other and Hobbes asks what Calvin wants to talk about. Calvin asks if they eat soon.

ch870331: Hi, Mom! Will you make Hobbes and me a big tuna sandwich? I thought you hated tuna fish. Not anymore. I'm a tiger now. I thought Hobbes was your tiger. Now I'm one too. I transmogrified. Oh, I see. My, she's taking this well, but the strain will surely crack her soon.
Calvin comes into the kitchen and asks Mom if she'll make him and Hobbes a tuna fish sandwich. Mom says she thought Calvin didn't like tuna fish. Calvin tells her that he does now, because he's a tiger. Mom asks if Hobbes is a tiger. Calvin says yes, and he is since he transmogrified. Mom understands. Calvin, the tiger, thinks she's bearing up well under the strain but that she'll crack soon.

ch870401: I'm home! Hi Dad. Notice anything different about me? Uh ... new haircut? Geez, did you go blind?? I'm a tiger! Oh, I thought you meant besides that. Calvin, your Dad's very tired and ... Hope you want tuna for dinner dear.
Dad comes home, and Calvin asks if he notices anything different about him. Dad guesses a new haircut. Calvin asks if he went blind. Calvin says he's a tiger. Dad says he thought Calvin meant BESIDES him being a tiger. He then tells Calvin he's tired, as Mom yells from the kitchen that she hopes Dad wants tuna for dinner.

ch870402: Well Hobbes, it's been fun, but I don't think I was meant to be a tiger. Just set the dial to "Calvin" and I'll transmogrify back to a boy. Here you go. Zap! Oops! Try again lunkhead.
Calvin decides he wasn't meant to be a tiger, so he is going to change back. He has Hobbes set the switch to turn him back to "Calvin" and ZAP! As Hobbes says "OOPS!", Calvin comes out from the box looking like a frog. He tells Hobbes to "try again, lunkhead".

ch870403: Here I am, back being Calvin. Your machine works amazingly well. It's my own design. What will you do with it now? Good question. ... although I suppose we could turn Susie into a bowl of chowder if we could just get her into the machine. Leave me out of your life's plans. You little weirdo.
Calvin comes out from his box looking himself. Hobbes compliments him on how well his machine works. They're trying to decide what to do with it next. As Susie walks by, Calvin says he could turn her into a bowl of chowder if he could just get her into the machine. Susie will have no part of it, though. She tells Calvin to leave her out of his life's plans.

ch870404: Calvin eats one bite too many! He begins to swell! Inflating like a raft. He grows bigger and bigger! Oh, no! how much larger can he get? Ooooh, I think I'm going to explode. No wonder! I've never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting! I hope you learned your lesson.
Calvin eats one too many bites of food at the dinner table and begins to swell. He gets bigger and bigger. He wonders how much larger he can get. He thinks he's going to explode. Mom tells him she's never seen anyone eat so much at one sitting. She hopes he's learned his lesson.

ch870405: Look, Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot run. Jane sees Spot run. Way to go, Jane! Boy I hate homework. Yahh! Whoop! Hey! Yow! Whoa! Stop! Aaaughh!! Gaackk! Help! Help! Whap!! Bonk! Bonk! What on earth are you doing? Where's your homework? I couldn't concentrate.
Calvin is sitting at his desk complaining about his homework. Suddenly, his chair takes off running around the room. It stops and ejects Calvin onto his bed, where his blanket grabs him. It whips him off into the hallway, where Calvin bounces down the stairs. He dizzily walks along. Mom asks what he's doing and where his homework is. Calvin loopily replies he couldn't concentrate.

ch870406: Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
Calvin is on the school swing. The bell rings, and recess is over. As he hops off the swing, his pants get caught. The back of his pants is all torn up. Calvin wonders why you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard.

ch870407: I can't believe I ripped my pants! Recess is over. I'm supposed to be back in class! I can't go in like this! What am I going to do?? ... of all the days to wear the underpants with little rocket ships.
Calvin looks at the back of his pants. He can't believe he ripped them. He knows he's supposed to be back in class. He wonders what he'll do. Then he remembers. He walks off saying "of all the days to wear the underpants with the little rocket ships".

ch870408: Look at the size of this rip! Maybe I can pull my shirt down over it. No, that doesn't work. Maybe I can tuck my shirt in the hole. ... nope ... maybe I can stick the ripped part under my belt. No, that doesn't work either. Maybe I can scoot around on my rear the rest of the day.
Calvin tries to pull his shirt down over the rip. Then he tries to tuck the shirt into the hole. No, maybe he can pull the ripped part under his belt. That doesn't work either. He sits down and wonders if he can scoot around on his rear the rest of the day.

ch870409: Please don't let the teacher call on me! Don't make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please don't embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy.
Calvin sits at his school desk, begging not to have to go in front of the class. He clasps his hands together praying that Miss Wormwood call on someone else. He begs for her not to embarrass him. Miss Wormwood calls on Calvin to go to the board. Calvin says so much for his ever joining the clergy.

ch870410: Calvin, will you do the next problem at the board please? No. why not? Frankly, I'd rather not say. Oh, you wouldn't. It's a personal matter. You're going to have to do better than that. Do the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror in your heart?
Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he'll show the next problem on the board. He says no and stays in his seat. Miss Wormwood asks him why not, and Calvin replies he'd rather not say. He says it's a personal matter. She says he'll have to do better than that. Calvin asks if the words "complete pandemonium" strike terror into her heart.

ch870411: So your teacher didn't know you'd ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? That sums it up. How awful! What did you do?? I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class. That's why you're home early? Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
Hobbes is talking to Calvin. He asks for clarification that Miss Wormwood didn't know he had ripped his pants, so she called on him to go to the board. Calvin says that's right, and Hobbes asks what he did. Calvin says he didn't have a choice, so he mooned the whole class. Hobbes asks if that's why he's home early. Calvin says that three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.

ch870412: During emergency landing, replace dinner tray and bring seat to upright position. Extinguish all smoking materials. Including spacecraft, if possible. Out of fuel, the courageous Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on the distant planet Zok! The valiant explorer surveys the Zokkian landscape, who knows what dangers lie hidden in the cratered terrain? Undaunted, Spiff sets out to find help! Miles later, it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited! Our hero is marooned on a lifeless planet! Alone on an alien world. Alone ... all alone ... Darn it, why doesn't anyone ever tell me when the lunch bell rings?
Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on planet Zok. He surveys the landscape and goes for help. It's obvious the planet is uninhabited. Spiff is marooned on a lifeless planet. Calvin looks around his classroom and sees all the empty desks. As he runs out, he wonders why no one tells him when the lunch bell rings.

ch870413: Susie, where's Miss Wormwood? Who's that lady at her desk? Miss Wormwoods sick. That's our substitute teacher. A substitute? Let's see your teaching certificate, lady!
Calvin asks Susie who's sitting at Miss Wormwood's desk. Susie tells him that Miss Wormwood is sick, and they have a substitute teacher. Calvin yells that he wants to see her teaching certificate.

ch870414: Good morning, class. I'll be your substitute teacher today. Miss Wormwood left me instructions as to what we need to go over, so we shouldn't have any problems. Oh, wait, here's a note she added. Just a second. Ok, which one of you is Calvin? Not me!
The substitute teacher introduces herself to the class. She mentions that Miss Wormwood left instructions about what they had to go over so there wouldn't be problems. She notices a note that Miss Wormwood left. She asks which student is Calvin. He yells out "Not me".

ch870415: We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok, I guess. You guess? It's hard to say. She went home at noon.
Calvin tells Hobbes he had a substitute teacher at school. Hobbes asks if he liked her, and Calvin says he guesses so. Hobbes wonders why he "guesses". Calvin says it's hard to tell, since she went home at noon.

ch870416: Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph, and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions.
Calvin is reading a word problem. It asks about Mr. Jones living 50 miles away, both of you leaving home at 5:00 and driving toward each other. It lists the speeds Mr. Jones and you are traveling. It asks at what time will you and Mr. Jones pass each other on the road. Calvin replies that given the traffic around there at 5:00, who knows? He says he always catches those trick questions.

ch870417: I've got a scheme to get us some money. Oh boy. See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. How is that going to get us money? Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck, the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late!
Calvin is talking to Hobbes in bed. He tells Hobbes he has a scheme to get them some money. Calvin shows Hobbes some corn kernels he stole off his dinner plate. Hobbes wonders how that will get them some money. Calvin explains that he's going to stick them under his pillow. He figures the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late.

ch870418: Dad, how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No, you were a blue light special at Kmart, almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
Calvin asks Dad how people make babies. Dad tells him most people go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin is shocked that he came from Sears. Dad consoles him by telling him he actually came as a blue light special from Kmart. Almost as good and a lot cheaper. Calvin yells. Mom calls in from the other room, wondering what Dad is telling Calvin now.

ch870419: How come you don't put on any pajamas? Fact is, I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then, good night. Good night. Move over, will ya? I'm already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! You're on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face!
Mom puts Calvin to bed and asks if he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Calvin replies that both he and Hobbes did. After Mom leaves, Calvin and Hobbes start fighting about which side of the bed each one should be on. Calvin calls Hobbes "fuzz-for-brains". Calvin hits Hobbes with a pillow. Hobbes jumps up and pounces on Calvin, who ends up in Hobbes' mouth. Calvin says Hobbes wins. Calvin makes a face and says he wishes Hobbes had brushed his teeth. Hobbes makes a face and says he wishes Calvin had washed his face.

ch870420: I've got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. We're supposed to research our subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. That's a big assignment. I'll say. I hate my teacher. She knows we'll all do it on the last evening, but she gave us three days to worry about it.
Calvin tells Hobbes he needs to give a five minute oral report in school on Thursday. Calvin explains they're supposed to research the subject, write it up, and present it to the class with a visual aid. Hobbes says that's a big assignment. Calvin says he hates his teacher. He says she knows they'll all do it the last night, but she gave them three days to worry about it.

ch870421: What's the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well, I saw this movie where they kept this guy's brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. That's informative. Unfortunately for my report, Mom caught me, and I didn't get to see how it ended.
Hobbes asks the subject of Calvin's report. Calvin replies "the brain". Hobbes asks what Calvin knows about brains. Calvin tells him he saw a movie where a guy's brain was kept alive in a tank of water. A power surge mutated the brain, and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Hobbes says that's informative. Calvin laments that unfortunately for his report, Mom caught him and he didn't get to see how it ended.

ch870422: I've got to give my report on "The Brain" at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesn't that look like brains? Well, I guess I'm all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary. I'll do it on the bus.
Calvin tells Hobbes he has to give his report on "the brain" at school. He shows Hobbes his visual aid. He cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. As Calvin walks out the door, Hobbes asks if he has written his report yet. Calvin tells him that he borrowed Mom's pocket dictionary and will write it on the bus.

ch870423: My five-minute report on "The Brain." Of course it's difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes, but to begin, the brain is part of the central nervous system. I'll pause for a few moments, so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin!
Calvin is in front of his class starting his report. He explains it will be difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in five minutes, but he starts with saying it's a part of the central nervous system. He looks at his wrist watch, then says he'll wait a few moments so they can finish writing that down. The teacher yells his name.

ch870424: Pow! Jab! Kick! Pow! Pow! Rattatattattatta rattatattatta eeeeeeeeeee boom! Please, please, pretty please? No. you should've save some of your own Halloween candy.
Hobbes is eating something out of a bag. Calvin is pretending to kick and punch Hobbes. Calvin pretends to shoot at Hobbes. He pretends to explode a bomb next to Hobbes. Finally, he lies on the floor begging Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he should have saved some of his own Halloween candy.

ch870425: Hey, can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My show's not over yet. Aw c'mon! you see this program all the time! Can't we watch my show for once? No, I was here first. Pipe down, this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials.
Hobbes is sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin comes in and wants to change the channel. Hobbes tells him his show isn't over yet. Calvin replies that he always watches that program. He wonders if they can't watch Calvin's show instead. Hobbes tells him no, and to quiet down. Calvin storms off grousing about how he hates National Geographic animal specials.

ch870426: Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
Mom yells for Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin slowly heads for bed. He says he's trapped in slow motion. Mom tells him he better get into normal speed...NOW! Suddenly, Calvin has a time snap, and off to bed he runs.

ch870427: Point A is twice as far from point C as point B is from A. if the distance from point B to point C is 5 inches, how far is point A from point C? The living dead don't need to solve word problems.
Calvin sits staring at a word problem. He contorts his face and rises from his chair. As he stalks off with his arms raised out and face grimacing, Calvin says the living dead don't need to solve word problems.

ch870428: Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly, the undead feed upon the living! ... although, in a pinch, a pbj will do, I fyou eat it messily enough.
Calvin the zombie searches for food. He says the undead feed upon the living. He stops to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He then continues to stalk around with his sandwich smeared around his face, saying that in a pinch a PBJ will do if you eat it messily enough.

ch870429: When in Rome ...
Calvin stalks past Hobbes with his arms out and face contorted. Hobbes looks at him strangely. Hobbes makes a face and hold his arms out. Calvin continues on. Hobbes follows him thinking "When in Rome...".

ch870430: Gkpthh! Heh heh ... thpkk! Hee hee. Hee hee ha ha ha ho ho hee hee hoo hoo ha ha ho heh heh ... of course. Real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.
Calvin and Hobbes look at each other with their twisted faces and arms raised. They start giggling at each other, then break out into laughter. Calvin clarifies that real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.

ch870501: Oh no! Too much bubble bath! Uh oh! Pop! How on earth do you do this?!? These things seem to happen.
Calvin is in the bath tub. He has too much bubble bath. It encases him in a bubble, and he floats to the ceiling. When he hits it, the bubble pops and down he goes. Mom comes into the bathroom and sees all the water on the floor. She asks how he did it. Calvin says those things just seem to happen.

ch870502: Aauughhhhh
Calvin is coming down the hill on his skateboard. Hobbes is looking at a plank set up against a rock that Calvin is using for a ramp. As Calvin reaches the plank, Hobbes jumps up on the far end. Calvin goes sailing off into the air.

ch870503: Gosh it's perfect kite flying weather! But why let the stupid kite have all the fun? You've got your tail on? Yep, just let out some string and start running. That's it! Faster! Faster! I'm flying! I'm fl-ooof! Ow! Ack! Ooh! Are you ok? Boy, you were almost up there. I know! (ow) We just need a little more wind. Ok, here's another breeze! Let 'er rip! Oomph! Yow! Maybe you're too heavy. Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Hmm ... how can I get lighter? Mrs. Carroll says a naked kid tied to a stuffed animal is running through her yard. You handle it, I got the little nudist out of her bird bath remember?
Calvin ties himself up and Hobbes takes off running. Calvin is trying to fly like a kite. He crashes to the ground. Calvin thinks they need a bit more wind. Again he tries. Again he crashes. Hobbes suggests Calvin might be too heavy. Calvin wonders what he can do to make himself lighter. Mom answers a phone call from Mrs. Carroll. There is a naked kid tied to a stuffed tiger is running through her yard.

ch870504: We're supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! It's good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension. Where's the Frisbee?
Calvin sits at his desk at home with a school book. Hobbes is looking at him. Calvin complains that he has to read the whole book by tomorrow. Calvin flips through all the pages of the book and declares it's good to get that out of the way. He hops down to look for his frisbee and go play. Hobbes says that reading goes faster if you don't sweat comprehension.

ch870505: Ahoy! Toss the rope ladder down! What's the password? Tigers are mean! Tigers are fierce! Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce! Tigers are great! They can't be beat! If I was a tiger that would be neat! He can climb the tree without the ladder, so he got to make up the password. Go on, what's the third verse?
Hobbes is in the tree fort when Calvin yells up to have Hobbes toss down the rope ladder. Hobbes asks Calvin for the password. Calvin proclaims tigers are mean and fierce, with claws that pierce. Tigers are great and can't be beat. As Hobbes asks Calvin to keep going with the third verse, Calvin explains that since Hobbes can climb up the tree without the ladder, he got to make up the password.

ch870506: Mom, when are you going shopping next? I don't know why? We seem to be out of gun powder. Sheesh, I didn't even do it yet.
Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin asks when she'll next go to shopping. Mom isn't sure and asks why he's asking. Calvin comes out with a football helmet on and pillows wrapped in front of and behind him. He tells Mom that they seem to be out of gunpowder. Calvin is then sitting on his bed, without his helmet and pillows, complaining that he didn't even do it yet.

ch870507: Now! Are you sure there's a career to be made as a "human discus"? Well, we gotta get a bigger field.
Hobbes has Calvin by the hands and is swing him around and around. Calvin tells him to let go. Calvin ends up smashed into a tree. Hobbes asks if he's sure there is a career to be made as a "human discus". Calvin thinks they have to get a bigger field.

ch870508: I tripped a kid yesterday, and he fell in the mud it was hilarious. Aaugh! Ploop! I dunno. That kind of humor is so broad. You didn't do it right. C'mere and give me a hand.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin tells Hobbes that he tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. Calvin says it was hilarious. Hobbes then trips Calvin into a mud puddle. Hobbes isn't sure. He thinks that kind of humor is so broad. Calvin asks for Hobbes' hand, saying he didn't do it right.

ch870509: What's this? It looks gross. It's a vegetarian meal. It's good for you. Vegetarian?? Yecchh! I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian.
Mom gives Calvin his dinner plate, and Calvin thinks it looks gross. Mom says it's a vegetarian meal and is good for him. He makes a face and pushes the plate away. He says he's not a vegetarian. He says he's a dessertarian.

ch870510: Ever notice how different the air smells after a good rain? It smells like ... like ... dead worms! Wow! Look at the size of that puddle! Wahoooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Sploosh splash sploosh splash! Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Rats, my underwear's all soaked. Now it's gonna itch and ride up my rear all afternoon. Well it was worth it! That's why I never wear the stuff.
Calvin and Hobbes come to a big puddle. They jump in and splash around. They laugh and splash some more. As they walk off, Calvin notes that his underwear is soaked. It's going to itch and ride up his rear all afternoon. He says it was worth it. Hobbes says that's why he never wears the stuff.

ch870511: I can't get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back? Maybe you need a haircut. Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want. Boy, what a great idea! Thanks! This is easy! You really think your Mom will pay me eight bucks?
Calvin is trying to comb his hair. Some of the hair in the back sticks out. Hobbes tells him maybe he needs a haircut. Calvin agrees, but says barbers never cut it the way he wants. Hobbes decides to cut Calvin's hair for him. Hobbes is hoping Mom will give him eight bucks for doing it.

ch870512: So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldn't you rather have it real short? No, just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Don't you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No, I just think it should be real short. Especially, oh, right here.
Hobbes asks Calvin how he wants the hair cut in the back. Calvin tells him, but Hobbes wonders if he wouldn't rather have it real short. Calvin says no, but Hobbes insists the hair would look good real short. Calvin asks if Hobbes is trying to tell him something. Hobbes replies no, but that he thinks it should be real short....especially right there.

ch870513: You made a mistake didn't you? No, I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing, I can't help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your head's gonna have "funny bumps" in a minute if you don't tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Why'd you say "oops"?! what'd you do now?! Nothing. Let's try parting your hair from ear to ear.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he made a mistake. Hobbes says no, he can cover it up. Calvin wants to know what he's covering up. Hobbes says he can't help it if Calvin's head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Calvin yells that Hobbes' head is going to have funny bumps if he doesn't tell him what he did. Hobbes replies "oops". Now, Calvin wants to know why Hobbes said "oops". Hobbes decides to try parting the hair from ear to ear.

ch870514: This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. You'll love it. It's kind of "new wave". New wave? Like how? Well, sort of "punk" actually. Like a mohawk? In some places it's sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know what's the rage this year? ... hats.
Calvin threatens Hobbes that the haircut better look good. Hobbes tells him it looks kind of "new wave". Hobbes further explains that it's sort of "punk". Calvin wonders if that means a mohawk. Hobbes says it looks sort of like a mohawk in some places. Calvin wants a mirror. Hobbes tells him that hats are all the rage this year.

ch870515: Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Get away from me, you menace! If Mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? How's that? Sort of the "Lawrence of Arabia" look! Sort of the "Lobotomy Patient" look.
Calvin looks in the mirror and is horrified. All his hair is chopped down. He says it looks like it was cut with a weed-eater. Hobbes thinks it's nothing a little tonic and combing can't fix. Calvin runs away, calling Hobbes a menace. Calvin figures Mom will blow her blood vessels if she sees his hair like that. He wonders what to do. Hobbes puts a bandanna on Calvin's head. He thinks it gives Calvin the "Lawrence of Arabia" look. Calvin thinks it gives him the "lobotomy patient" look.

ch870516: My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah, that's me. Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. It's not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
Calvin is in a 1940's detective outfit in his office. He's Tracer Bullet, private eye. The door opens, and in walks trouble...a brunette. Mom tells Calvin to take off his hat at the dinner table. Calvin thinks she's a pushy dame, but she has a case.

ch870517: This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents, engrossed in culture, remain blissfully unaware of Calvin's terrible transformation! Yes, a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol, but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizard's glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives! Hundreds of priceless paintings are ripped to shreds in the awful rampage! Wealthy benefactors are trampled! The museum is in ruins! On to symphony hall!! Calvin? Calvin? Were in the next room now. C'mon. I think we'd better get him out o fhere. He had that grin again. I wanna see dinosaurs at the natural history museum again. We spent all afternoon there, Calvin.
Calvin is at the museum. He transforms into a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus is loose in the museum. Panic ensues. A guard reaches for his gun, but is messily devoured. Patrons of the arts flee for their lives. Priceless paintings are ripped to shreds, wealthy benefactors trampled, and the museum is in ruins. Dad tells Calvin they're in the other room now and to join them. Calvin has a sinister grin on his face. Dad tells Mom they better get him out of there, he has that grin again. Calvin wants to see the dinosaurs at the natural history museum. Mom tells him they spent all afternoon there.

ch870518: Take your hat off at the dinner table, Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didn't Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think I'd do this?? Well I didn't!
Mom tells Calvin to remove his hat. He takes it off, and Mom shrieks that "You cut your hair!". Calvin says that he didn't, but that Hobbes did. Mom wants to know why he cut his own hair. Calvin reiterates that Hobbes cut his hair. He asks if she thinks he'd do that to himself. Mom gets an "of course I do" look on her face. Calvin then yells "Well, I didn't!"

ch870519: Some barber you are! Mom says there's nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime, I've got to go around looking like I've got mange! I hope you're happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along when Calvin tells him that Mom said there was nothing that could be done except to wait until the hair grows out. Some barber Hobbes is. Calvin says that meanwhile, he has to walk around like he has mange. He hopes Hobbes is happy. Hobbes gets an angry expression and says he's not happy. He says that Calvin stiffed him and owes him eight bucks for the haircut. Hobbes is smiling as Calvin chases him after his remark.

ch870520: Look, I'm sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didn't mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See, I'll just draw some hair on, there, it's looking better already. Really? Is it?
Hobbes tells Calvin he didn't mean to give him a bad haircut. Calvin says that doesn't do him any good, but Hobbes says he can make it up to him. Hobbes has a yellow magic marker. Hobbes tells him he'll just draw on some hair. As he does, he says it's starting to look better already.

ch870521: Well, your hair doesn't stick up the way it used to, but at least your head's yellow again. Thanks, Hobbes. you're a real life saver. I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy, wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on, just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok?
Hobbes tells Calvin that his hair doesn't stick up like it used to, but at least his head's yellow again. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes for getting so mad at him. He thanks Hobbes and calls him a life saver. Calvin proudly walks off to show Mom his colored head. Calvin is in the bath tub with his head lathered up. Hobbes wonders if it will come off. Calvin tells him to keep his brainy ideas to himself from now on.

ch870522: Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?
Calvin is sitting at his desk writing. He writes "Calvin the Genius". Then, he adds the word "Super" before "Genius". Hobbes asks if that's how he signs his reports. Calvin replies that it kind of inclines you to read it more charitably, don't you think?

ch870523: Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure.
Calvin puts some ice cubes in a glass. He then places a tea bag in the glass. He looks at it, then declares his iced tea is a failure.

ch870524: Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isn't it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Let's go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? It's easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and we'll time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh, what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds, maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey, we're at the bottom of the hill. I didn't feel any time warp, did you? Nope. But look! It's two minutes later than when we started! We're in the future!! Hmm ... things haven't improved. I'm disappointed.
Calvin is in his wagon at the top of the hill. He tells Hobbes they should go down the hill and into the future. Hobbes asks how they'll do that. Calvin says that it's easy. All they have to do is go real fast and they'll time warp. Down they go, faster and faster. Hobbes wonders what the future will look like. Calvin thinks flying cars and cities on clouds. He tells Hobbes to think of the weird things they can tell people they saw. They reach the bottom of the hill, but neither of them felt any time warp. Calvin notices that it's two minutes later than when they started, so they did go into the future. Hobbes looks around and says things haven't improved, and that he's disappointed.

ch870525: Goodness, you're filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law, if not the spirit. Let's hear some water running! Nuts.
Calvin is dirty as he walks in the door. Mom tells him to get into the tub. Calvin obeys the letter of the law, if not its spirit. Mom yells up that she wants to hear some water running. Calvin, fully clothed, crawls back out of the tub so he can put some water in it.

ch870526: I'm home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing!
Calvin walks in the door yelling that he's home. Hobbes pounces on him. They wrestle around on the floor. Calvin asks Hobbes why he does that. Hobbes replies that natural exuberance is one of the qualities that makes tigers so endearing.

ch870527: I'm home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time, point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.
Calvin yells that he's home as he dives to the floor. Hobbes flies over Calvin and out the front door. As Hobbes crashes outside, he yells that he fooled Hobbes. As he walks off thinking Hobbes is a stupid tiger, Hobbes comes leaping back in the front door. Hobbes is thinking his elapsed time for a turnaround is point eight seconds as he nears Calvin's back.

ch870528: I'm home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ...
Calvin yells that he's home as he waves his hand into the house. Nothing happens. He peeks in and says "Hello?". Nothing happens. He tiptoes into the house calling Hobbes' name. Hobbes' paws are on the edge of the front door. He's been standing behind it all along. He begins a mental countdown to pounce on the unsuspecting Calvin.

ch870529: I'm home. I'm home. I'm home! Wellll? So you're home.
Calvin peeks in the front door and says he's home. He steps in the house and says he's home in a louder voice. He walks through the house yelling that he's home. Hobbes is sitting in bed, reading a comic book. Calvin yells "WELL??". Hobbes replies "So you're home".

ch870530: Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. It's sure to be another homer folks. Here's the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin.
Calvin has a bat and ball and announces that he's stepping to the plate. The outfield heads to the bleachers. It's sure to be another home run. Calvin tosses the ball up. There's the pitch. BONK! The ball hits Calvin on the head. He wobbles along, saying the pitcher has decided to walk Calvin.

ch870531: Before beginning any home plumbing repair, make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper, Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness, Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts, he twists himself into a tube, and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways, he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey, Dad, know why you didn't see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm, I'll bet you can't do it all afternoon, too ... dear!
Calvin finds himself no longer in the third dimension. He's only 2D. He's thin as a sheet of paper. His feet have no surface area. Only by waving his body along the ground can he generate enough friction to move. But having width but no thickness leaves him vulnerable to gusts of wind. To avoid drafts, he pulls himself into a tube to roll across the floor. Someone is coming, so he turns sideways to hide. As thin as he is, he's nearly an invisible vertical line. Dad is lying under the kitchen sink, trying to fix something. Calvin asks if he knows why he couldn't see him all morning. Calvin explains he was two dimensional. Dad mutters that he bets Calvin can't do it all afternoon also.

ch870601: I couldn't read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
Calvin is lying in bed reading his school book. Suddenly, he floats into the air. Everything in his room is floating around. He tells his teacher he couldn't read his assignment because his parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.

ch870602: Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok, I predict you'll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. It's going to come true! I can feel it!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin asks Hobbes to make a prediction. Hobbes asks why, and Calvin replies so they can see if he has ESP. Hobbes thinks and says that Calvin will find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Calvin looks behind himself and sees a mud hole. He tells Hobbes to stay away from him. With a smile on his face, Hobbes comes closer with his paws out. He says it's going to come true, he can feel it.

ch870603: Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work? I can't tell you. Why not? It's a secret. No it isn't! you just don't know!
Dad is washing the car, and Calvin asks how a carburetor works. Dad tells him he can't tell him. When Calvin asks why not, Dad says it's a secret. Calvin yells that it is not, that Dad just doesn't know.

ch870604: This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else.
Calvin, wearing a cape, says "This is a job for..." and starts to pull his cape around himself. It gets stuck. Then it trips him, and he crashes to the floor. Hobbes asks "for...?". Calvin, completely wrapped up in his cape, says "someone else".

ch870605: Time for bed, Calvin. It's a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists!
Mom tells Calvin that it's time for bed. Calvin replies that it's a free country, and he'll do what he wants. Mom puts him to bed and walks off. Calvin yells "Communists!".

ch870606: Oh no, I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While they're eating that, you can slip out! Great idea! I'm coming out of bed now! I'm coming out of bed now! Here I am, all fat and squishy! They took it! Man, look at those feathers fly! You'd better hurry! No, I've decided to stay here and wet the bed. But it's ok with me if you don't want to stay.
Calvin wakes up during the night and has to go to the bathroom. He knows the monsters will get him when he sets foot on the floor. Hobbes suggests putting a pillow on the floor as a decoy, then slipping out while the monsters eat the pillow. Calvin puts the pillow down and says coming out of bed, all fat and squishy. Feathers fly up as Hobbes tells him to look at the feathers fly. He tells Calvin he better hurry. Calvin hides under the blanket and says he's decided to stay and wet the bed. It's okay with Calvin if Hobbes doesn't want to stay.

ch870607: Croquet is a gentleman's game. That's hard to believe. I've played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey, don't put the wickets so far apart. This is the way they're supposed to be. No it isn't, you big cheater. You're doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasn't looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! That's a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well, you're just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! You're asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquito's don't even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo! I'd say it takes one to know one bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor! It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside! Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game!
Calvin tells Hobbes not to put the croquet wickets so far apart. Hobbes says that's the way they're supposed to be. Calvin calls him a cheater. Hobbes asks who took the lucky red ball when Hobbes wasn't looking. Calvin tells him he got to choose first. Hobbes replies that he always takes the lucky red ball. Calvin calls Hobbes a poop head and sticks his tongue out. Hobbes yells that Calvin is a potty mouth. Calvin comes at Hobbes saying he's looking at a toothless mouth. They start fighting as they continue to insult one another. Hobbes is called a walking flea condo. Hobbes tells Calvin to play in the food processor. Mom yells for them to come in, since it's getting dark. Calvin says they're right in the middle of a croquet game.

ch870608: Bombarded by high-energy photons, Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses, it does make Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvin's food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment, Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes, close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh!
Calvin is transformed into a human x-ray. While this makes future medical diagnosis easier, it makes Calvin's presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal. Everyone can see his food be ground into mushy pulp and swallowed. Calvin chews up a spoon of creamed corn. Dad yells at Calvin to close his mouth when he chews. Does Calvin think they want to see that?

ch870609: Here's a little town. Here's a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer, pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years, these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me, I'll be under the bed.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the sandbox. Calvin makes a town. Hobbes is using a steam shovel to dig a hole. Calvin takes a bulldozer and pushes thousands of barrels of nuclear toxic waste into the hole. Over the years, those deadly poisons seep into underground waterways. Calvin says the cancer rate in the nearby town triples. Hobbes, holding his stomach, walks off and tells Calvin if he wants him he'll be under the bed.

ch870610: A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! You're just too short! Yeah? Well, you're just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well, you're just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like.
Calvin is arguing a strike call with Hobbes, the pitcher. Calvin says the pitch was four feet over his head. Hobbes replies it was a perfect pitch, but that Calvin is too short. Calvin calls Hobbes stupid and kicks dirt at Hobbes. Hobbes calls Calvin ugly and kicks dirt at Calvin. They each kick up a big cloud of dirt. Calvin says kicking dust is the only part of the game they really like.

ch870611: Want to know a funny trick? When somebody isn't looking you tie his shoes together! Ha ha! That's great! Lets go find some sucker to pull it on! Yeah! Clunk! Well. Well! Woo hoo hoo hoo.
Hobbes tells Calvin that it's funny to tie someone's shoes together when he isn't looking. Calvin thinks that's funny and wonders what sucker they can pull it on. As Calvin starts to walk, he trips. Hobbes says "Well, well". Calvin chases Hobbes while hopping after him with his shoes tied together.

ch870612: I'm hungry. Can I have a snack? Sure. Help yourself. You can have an apple or an orange from the fridge. Even through we're both talking english, we're not speaking the same language.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have a snack. She tells him yes. As he's walking off with the cookie jar in his arms and one in his mouth, Mom tells him he can have an apple or orange from the fridge. Calvin says they're both speaking English, but they're not speaking the same language.

ch870613: Boy, I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ...
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree in the woods. Calvin says he loves summer vacation. He tells Hobbes he feels his brain starting to atrophy already.

ch870614: I'm going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! It's not a tree at all! It's a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly, promising himself that he'll never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime, the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! What's that on my plate?! Good heavens, get it off the table!! But Mom, frogs are our friends!
Calvin has shrunk to the size of a bug to a bug. He's being chased by an enormous bug. The bug tries to step on Calvin as he runs. As he runs, he promises he'll never step on another bug if he is returned to normal size. Suddenly, the bug is gone as a giant frog eats him. Mom shrieks as a frog is put on the table. She yells for Calvin to get it off the table. Calvin replies that frogs are their friends.

ch870615: Look Hobbes I got a magic carpet! What's so magic about it? Magic carpets fly! You can ride them! Isn't this the rug from the hallway? Up, rug! Up! Up! Hey, look! It works! Ok, rug, warp factor five! Is this legal? Do you have your registration and proof of insurance?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's found a magic carpet. Hobbes wonders what's so magical about it. Calvin tells him you can fly them. Hobbes asks if that isn't the rug from the hallway. The rug rises up while Hobbes wants to know if this is legal and whether Calvin has a registration and insurance.

ch870616: Wow! I've never been on a magic carpet before. Hmm ... me either. Ok rug, let's cruise at 10,000 feet! Wheeeee! Gosh, this sure beats having Mom drive us around! Let's go to the mall and hang out! Do we get complimentary bags of nuts on our flight?
Calvin says he's never been on a magic carpet before. He tells the rug to fly up to 10,000 feet and off it zooms. Calvin thinks this is better than having Mom drive them around. He wants to go to the mall and hang out. Hobbes asks if there are complimentary bags of nuts on the flight.

ch870617: Hey, let's fly into the city and buzz Dad's office! Ha! Won't be be surprised when he sees us out his 20th floor window! What if he's mad that we took the hallway rug? What's to get mad about? We wiped our feet first. Yeah, but all this city mileage may hurt the resale value.
Calvin decides to fly into the city to buzz Dad's office. Calvin figures he'll be surprised to see them out his 20th floor office window. Hobbes thinks he might be mad they took the hallway rug. Calvin says they wiped their feet first. Hobbes wonders if all the city mileage will hurt its resale value.

ch870618: Ok, I think that's Dad's building up ahead. I'm not sure where his office is, so we'll just have to look in the windows as we zip by. Hey! There he is! There's Dad! Hi, Dad! Dad, look! Out the window! Darn it! He's still reading that brief. Look out the window, Dad! Did you bring any rocks? I didn't think to.
They approach Dad's building. Calvin isn't sure which office is Dad's, so they have to fly past each one. Calvin sees Dad at his desk. Calvin tries to get Dad's attention. Hobbes regrets not thinking to bring any rocks.

ch870619: Hey Dad! Look out the window! I can't believe he's just sitting in there. Why doesn't he look up? I guess he's pretty busy. Yeah, but we can't sit up here all day! Sheesh. Let's go. If he had noticed us, we could've given him a ride home. Hmph. I say let him take the smelly ol' bus if he can't even look out the window once in a while, serves him right.
Calvin continues to yell to get Dad's attention, but he doesn't look up. Hobbes figures he must be busy. Calvin says they can't wait all day and decides to leave. Hobbes says they could have given him a ride home if he had noticed them. Calvin says Dad can ride the smelly old bus if he can't look out his window once in a while.

ch870620: I'm home! Dad! Hobbes and I flew by your office window today on a rug! We saw you working. We waved and hollered, but you didn't even look up. We couldn't believe it. You missed the whole thing! I thought we were cutting down his sugar intake.
Dad arrives home, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes saw him at work. He tells him they flew by his office window on a rug. Calvin continues to tell Dad that they tried to get his attention, but that he didn't look up. Dad tells Mom he thought they were cutting down on Calvin's sugar intake.

ch870621: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! I've got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! I'm a genius! A sheer genius! Susie's playing on the sidewalk! Now's my chance to use the snowball I've been saving in the freezer! She'll never expect a snowball in June! Boy, will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There must've been a cross breeze! I can't believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening.
Calvin gleefully pulls out a snowball from the freezer. Susie is playing on the sidewalk. Calvin knows she'll never expect a snowball in June. He sneaks up on her and throws. PIFF! He misses her. He starts ranting about how he had bad luck. He figures there was a cross-wind. While Calvin is complaining, Susie repacks the snowball and looks at Calvin. POW! Calvin lies on the sidewalk with his face covered in snow as Susie walks off smiling. Calvin says the irony of this is just sickening.

ch870622: 1988 isn't too far away Dad. If your thinking of running for "Dad" again, you'd better get your campaign in gear. Frankly, the pools look grim. I don't think you've got much of a shot at keeping the office. I take comfort in the fact that not many people want it. Flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates, you know.
Calvin tells Dad 1988 isn't too far off. He tells him he better get his campaign in gear if he's running for "Dad" next year. Calvin says the polls don't look too good, and that he doesn't have much of a chance to keep the office. Dad tells him he takes comfort in the fact not many people would want the job. Calvin reminds him that flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates.

ch870623: The chameleon sits motionless. Amazingly, the lizard changes color to blend in with his surroundings. Moments later, he is virtually invisible. I see you hiding back there! Now come clean up this mess you made in the kitchen!
The chameleon sits motionless. The lizard changes color to blend into his surroundings. He is soon virtually invisible. Calvin peeks over the back of the sofa as Mom yells at him from the other room. She sees him hiding there and tells him to come clean the mess he left in the kitchen.

ch870624: Hold still. There's a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No, wait there's a mosquito on you.
Calvin tells Hobbes there is a monstrous horsefly on his head. He smacks him with the fly swatter. As the fly goes away, Calvin asks if Hobbes can believe he missed it. Calvin is up on a tree branch telling Hobbes he can scratch a welt next time. Hobbes waves a fly swatter at Calvin and tells him there's a mosquito on him.

ch870625: I wanna horsey ride! I'm busy Calvin. You know, Dad, it won't be long before I'm all grown up. One day you'll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. You'll look back and say, "Where has the time gone? Calvin's so big. It's hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides." ... but those days will be lost forever. I think I've worked through my potential guilt now. No, no! Jump the fence!
Calvin asks Dad for a horsey ride. Dad tells him he's busy. Calvin reminds him that one day, he'll be grown up and Dad will wonder where all the years went. He keeps telling him that he'll think back on the days when Calvin was small enough to give horsey rides to and lament those days being lost forever. Dad gives Calvin the horsey ride. He tells Calvin that he's worked through his guilt, but Calvin wants him to jump over the fence they're approaching.

ch870626: I read that girls are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice" ... whereas boys are made of "snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails." Hmph. So what are tigers made of? "Dragonflies and katykids, but mostly chewed-up little kids." Oh, that's clever.
Hobbes tells Calvin that he's heard girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, while boys are made of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. Calvin asks what tigers are made of. Hobbes tells him dragonflies, katydids, but mostly chewed-up little kids. Calvin doesn't think that's very funny.

ch870627: Do you have any money? Nope. Hmm ... how can we get some? Who do we know that we could sue?
Calvin asks Hobbes if he has any money. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks how they can get some. They think for a little bit, then Calvin asks who Hobbes knows that they can sue.

ch870628: What's wrong with you, fish? Why won't you eat this big, fat, juicy worm? Besides the obvious, I mean. Boy I hate fishing, this is so boring! Look, I can see a whole bunch of fish down there, but they're not biting! Lousy fish! By golly, I'm not going to sit here all day waiting for them to get hungry! Here, help me carry this rock. We'll dump it in the water and blast the fish out. Then we can just pick them up. Heave! Kabloosh! Ok, it was a bad idea! But I got wet too, right? No, no your idea was fine! We just didn't throw in a big enough object.
Calvin is sitting on the pier fishing. He's complaining that it's too boring. He sees fish in the water, but they're not biting. He's not going to sit there all day waiting for them to get hungry. He and Hobbes grab a huge rock. He figures he and Hobbes can throw the rock into the water and blast the fish out. Then, they can just pick the fish up. They heave the rock into the pond. WHOOSH! A huge water splash drenches Calvin and Hobbes on the pier. Calvin tells Hobbes that it was a bad idea, but that he got wet too. Hobbes grabs Calvin to toss him into the water. Hobbes says the idea was good, but they didn't throw a big enough object into the water.

ch870629: ... so could I, Mom? Please? Pleeeaase? I still don't think giving her "Bambi eyes" is going to get you a flame thrower. Maybe I should sniffle a little too, huh?
Calvin puts his hands together and asks if he could....please. He tries saying please with doe eyes. He's standing in front of a mirror. Hobbes tells him that giving Mom "Bambi eyes" isn't going to get her to give him a flamethrower. Calvin thinks sniffling a bit might help, also.

ch870630: What a perfect day! If something doesn't happen here soon, I'm gonna wack out.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Hobbes says it's a perfect day. They lie there looking around. After a bit, Calvin tells Hobbes that if something doesn't happen soon, he's going to wack out.

ch870701: Look a firefly! Your rear hasn't lit, if that's what you're wondering. I can't even tell what muscle to flex.
Calvin points out a firefly to Hobbes. Calvin clenches his teeth and bends forward. He looks at his rear end. Hobbes tells him his rear wasn't lit, if that's what he was wondering. Calvin says he can't even tell what muscle to flex.

ch870702: Hey Hobbes, want to see an antelope? An antelope?! C'mon! See she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriends car! You're not laughing. It's not funny.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see an antelope. They race over to where Calvin is playing. He tells Hobbes she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriend's car. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's not laughing. With arms crossed, Hobbes tells Calvin it's not funny.

ch870703: Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents.
Hobbes tells Calvin that tomorrow is Independence Day. He explains that everyone is created equal and is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Calvin wants to know when Paul Revere rides through town giving them their presents.

ch870704: Bang! Kapwinngg! Up up and awaaayy!
Dad is sitting in his chair reading the paper. He hears a bang from the other room. Calvin races in, climbs up on the arm of the chair, and makes the bullet bounce off him. He races off saying "up, up and awaaayy".

ch870705: The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed, the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns, the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! There's no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh, no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when you're done, ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.
Spaceman Spiff fights the controls of his spacecraft. He crashes on an alien planet. He's marooned on a hostile planet. He sees there is no hope for food and water. A hideous alien approaches. In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster. The monster hands Spiff a sandwich and some lemonade. Mom tells him to bring the dishes in when he's done.

ch870706: Z. Z. Z. Tag! The game's over tuna brain.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin is sleeping. Hobbes looks over and touches Calvin on the head, saying "Tag". Calvin tells Hobbes the game is over and calls him tuna brain.

ch870707: Somebody told me rotten eggs smell bad. They smell terrible. Put 'em back Calvin.
Calvin tells Mom that someone told him rotten eggs smell bad. Mom confirms they smell terrible. Calvin walks away. Without moving, Mom adds that Calvin should put them back.

ch870708: I want 8 cookies to go, please. This is not a drive-thru! Put that back in the garage!
Calvin carries his tricycle to the front door and puts it on the floor. He rides into the kitchen. He stops at the counter where Mom is standing and asks for eight cookies to go, please. Mom yells that this isn't a drive-through and to put his tricycle back in the garage.

ch870709: Quick, Mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! I'll guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! She's not buying this. Calvin, just how dumb do you think I am?
Calvin runs into the house telling Mom aliens landed in the back yard and want to talk with her. He offers to guard the cookies while she goes out. He tells her to hurry. Mom asks Calvin how dumb he thinks she is.

ch870710: What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame, that way you'd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose that's one way to define it. The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the key to happiness. He suggests money, power, or fame. Calvin says he's choose money. With that, he could buy power and fame and have it all. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. Hobbes supposes that's one way to define it. Calvin goes on to say the part he'd like best is crushing people who get in his way.

ch870711: Look! Somebody poured new cement! Is anyone looking? We could write our initials in it, or make a hand print, or something! Yeah! Or something! I think we'd better find a hose quick! I didn't think it would set up so fast.
Calvin shows Hobbes a patch of newly poured cement. Hobbes asks if anyone is watching. He mentions they could write their initials in the cement, make a hand print, or something. Calvin likes the "or something" part. They walk off looking for a water hose. Hobbes didn't think it would set up so fast. They both have cement hanging from their rear ends.

ch870712: Psst. Hey kid, c'mere under the bed. I've got a brand new toy for you. Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Monsters! Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Good idea. Click! Aarrghhh! Aieeee. Aahhhhhh!! Gackk! Ha ha. We got 'em! Just the ones under the bed, we'd better open up the drawers and closet too and get some light in those places! By golly, no monsters going to get us tonight! Wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature!! Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Monsters, Dad. They could be anywhere. You're trashing your room at 1:00 in the morning, looking for monsters?! If you don't get in bed this instant, you'll have lot more to worry about than stupid monsters!! What we need is some way to shrivel him up.
Hobbes thinks he saw a tentacle under the bed. Monsters. Calvin turns on the light to shrivel up the monsters. Calvin suggests opening the doors to the closet and drawers to get the monsters there. As they pull open the dresser drawers, Calvin says no monsters are going to get them tonight. He tells them to wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature. Dad opens the bedroom door and asks what's going on. Calvin tells him monsters could be anywhere. Dad yells for Calvin to get back in bed or he'll have something other than monsters to worry about. After he leaves, Calvin suggests that what they need is a way to make Dad shrivel up.

ch870713: Hey Calvin, whatcha doin'? Quiet down or you'll give away my position. Hobbes and I are having a water fight. A water fight! Can I play? You? Ha! War is a manly art! I suppose anything so idiotic would have to be. Can I play in your game or not? I don't know, it seems you'd rather be making smart remarks.
Susie asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin shushes her quiet. He and Hobbes are having a water fight. Susie asks if she can play. Calvin scoffs at her saying war is a manly art. She supposes anything that idiotic must have to be. She asks if she can play or not. Calvin thinks she might prefer making smart remarks.

ch870714: C'mon, can't I join your water fight? I have my own water pistol and everything! It'll just take me a minute to get it. Ok, you can play, but Hobbes is on my team. You have to fight both of us. Great! I can beat you and your stuffed tiger any day. I'll go put on my swimsuit. Susie's going to play with us, ok? Oh boy. Girls flip for guys in jams.
Susie again asks Calvin if she can join their water fight. She has her own water pistol at home. Calvin says it's alright, but she'll have to fight against both Calvin and Hobbes. Susie happily runs off saying she can beat him and his stuffed tiger any day. Calvin tells Hobbes that Susie is going to join them. Hobbes is wearing a pair of trunks and thinks girls flip for guys in Jams.

ch870715: I got my water pistol! I'm all set! Good. Now Hobbes and I will be one team, and you ... Look at your toy tiger! He's wearing jams!! That's so cute! Let me squeeze him! Oh for pete's sake, knock it iff! You go around the house and count to fifty, and then we begin, all right? You and your dumb jams. This is war, remember?! You're just jealous. ... ooh, what a babe!
Susie comes over with her water gun. She sees Hobbes and thinks he's cute wearing his Jams. She gives him a squeeze. Calvin tells her to quit it and to go around the house to count till 50. Then, they'll start. Calvin scolds Hobbes for his Jams. He reminds him they're at war. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, tells Calvin he's just jealous. Hobbes says Susie is a babe.

ch870716: Listen up, yogurt brain. Here's our strategy: I'll go around the house this way, and you go around the other way. I'll draw Susie's fire, and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok, let's go! Thanks for the water balloon, Hobbes, you're a great double agent!
Calvin lays out the strategy to Hobbes. They'll split up with one of them going around the house in each direction. Calvin will draw Susie's fire, then Hobbes will sneak up from behind and hit her with a water balloon. Susie sneaks around the house, finding Hobbes sitting there with a water balloon. She thanks him for the water balloon and for being a great double agent.

ch870717: Ha ha! Ambush!! Have a drink Susie! Whoa! Whoop! You've got Hobbes' water balloon! Where did? How? Uh oh. Bloosh! I promise you you'll hang for this, traitor! I'm easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.
Calvin charges Susie, squirting her with his water pistol. He stops when he notices she has Hobbes' water balloon. BLOOSH! Calvin gets smacked with the balloon. A dripping Calvin promises Hobbes he'll hang for this and calls him a traitor. Hobbes defends himself by declaring he's easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.

ch870718: My best friend betrays me! Susie drenched me with my own teammate's water balloon! Some buddy you are, you Benedict Arnold! Hmph, I'd do it again in a minute. Susie likes my jams. Don't even talk to me! You and I are through! Ha! Promises, promises! Um ... I take it the game is over. Get this traitor off me. He cheats when he fights, too.
Calvin continues to complain to Hobbes, who is standing with arms crossed and a stern look on his face. Calvin says his best friend betrayed him, and he got soaked with his teammate's own water balloon. Calvin calls him a Benedict Arnold. Hobbes says he'd do it again. Susie likes his Jams. Calvin tells him not to talk to him. Hobbes sticks his tongue out at Calvin and says "Promises, promises". Susie walks over to Calvin, who is lying on the ground with Hobbes lying on top of him. Calvin tells Susie to get the traitor off of him, and that he cheats when he fights, too.

ch870719: Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know. Look, another can thrown on the ground! Boy, this makes me mad! By golly, if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere! You'd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now I've got to carry this gross thing. You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. I'm with you.
Calvin sees a can on the ground. He complains that if people aren't burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons, they're throwing trash everywhere. Hobbes declares that there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human. They walk along, then Calvin takes his clothes off. They continue to walk as Calvin says "I'm with you".

ch870720: Aren't these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Don't you wish it could be like this all year, forever? No school. No job, no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it, why don't you!!
Calvin is telling Hobbes the long summer days are great. There are no responsibilities, and they have the whole day to themselves. He asks Hobbes if he wishes it could be like that all year, no school, no job, no anything. Hobbes looks at Calvin with a smile on his face. As Hobbes skips merrily away, Calvin yells to him "Just gloat about it, why don't you".

ch870721: Hey Dad, what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think they're mostly water. So how come they float? Well, it's sort of evaporated water, maybe there are some other gases, too. I'm not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck, beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a Dad.
Calvin asks Dad what clouds are made of. He tells Calvin mostly water. Calvin then wonders why clouds float. Dad says they're mostly evaporated water. Calvin asks why clouds are white, instead of blue. Dad says he doesn't know, and that they should look it up. Calvin says he takes it there are no qualifying exams to be a Dad.

ch870722: One of the best things about summer is going to sleep with the fan on. The gentle breeze blowing, droning hum, everything seems safe and serene when the fan is on. It's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. It almost lets one forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. If you don't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor, buster.
Calvin and Hobbes are in bed. Calvin says sleeping with the fan on is one of the best things about summer. The gentle breeze blowing, the droning hum, everything's safe and serene when the fan is on. He says it's cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. He then leans over to Hobbes and says that it's almost enough to forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. Hobbes tells him that if he doesn't like it, there's plenty of room on the floor.

ch870723: Hey Mom, what's this I hear about the greenhouse effect? They say the pollutants we dump in the air are trapping in the sun's heat and it's going to melt the polar ice caps! Sure, you'll be gone when it happens, but I won't! nice planet you're leaving me! This from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than a block away. Hey, nobody told me about the ice caps, all right?
Calvin asks Mom about the greenhouse effect. He explains that he's heard about the pollution trapping the sun's heat and melting the polar ice caps. He tells her that she'll be gone when it happens, but he won't. Mom says this is from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than one block away. Calvin proclaims no one had told him about the ice caps before.

ch870724: More bad news on your polls, Dad. We're looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well, Calvin. That's certainly food for thought. Now here's something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100,000. That's a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is that hundred grand a gift, or a loan?" Gotcha, Dad. I was just on my way to bed.
Calvin tells Dad that his polls are at an all-time low. Dad tells him that's food for thought. He then says Calvin should think about the fact that it costs $100,000 to raise a kid till 18. That's a lot of money. Dad asks Calvin to think about whether that money should be considered a gift or a loan. Calvin scurries off and says he gets the message.

ch870725: Ring ring. Hello? May I speak with your father please? Hec, you don't need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo. Ring ring.
Calvin picks up the ringing phone. The caller asks to speak with Dad. Calvin tells the caller to be his guest. They don't need his permission. Calvin walks away saying the caller is a weirdo. The phone rings again.

ch870726: That's it, you climb up and then help me up! Tigers are natural-born tree climbers. Of course we usually have grappling hooks, ropes and utility belts. Hey, here's a great tree for climbing! Let me get on your shoulders so I can reach the first branch, ok? Geez, how many bricks do you have in your pockets?! Whoa! Hold steady, you weakling. I've almost got it! Move up, move up! Hurry and grab it before my spine telescopes. Got it! Hey, don't let go! Hold me up! Forget it! You can support your own weight, bowling ball butt. Mmph! Mmph! I can't get up! Give me a boost! Hey! What are you doing?! Don't take off my shoes! Are you nuts? Hey, stop! Aack! Oh no! don't tickle! Pbth! Eek! Hee hee ha ha! Stop it! I can't hold on! Hee hee hoo hoo! Aaugh! Nice landing. I'm probably paralyzed. All except your mouth obviously. I'm not sorry at all. Give me back my shoes. No.
Calvin asks Hobbes to put him on his shoulders so he can climb into a tree. Hobbes asks how many bricks he has in his pockets. Calvin tells him to hold steady. Hobbes tells him to hurry up before his spine telescopes. Calvin is hanging from a branch. He asks Hobbes to help hold him up. Hobbes takes off Calvin's shoes and starts tickling him. Calvin falls from the tree. He lands on Hobbes. Hobbes tells him he's paralyzed. Calvin replies that he's not sorry at all and to give his shoes back.

ch870727: I can't believe how dull my life is. It's so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually, I'd like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when I'm not around?? Huh? Are you?!
As they ride down the hill in the wagon, Calvin can't believe how dull his life is. Nothing ever changes. As they fly into the air after the wagon crashes into the stream, Calvin says everybody but him gets to have an exciting life. Hobbes shakes water out of his ear and says he'd like a little less excitement in his. Calvin accuses Hobbes of doing fun things when he's not around.

ch870728: What's wrong, Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I don't feel good. Your forehead seems warm. We'd better take your temperature. I can't be sick now! It's still summer vacation! There's no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!
Mom asks Calvin why he's still in bed. Calvin replies that he doesn't feel good. Mom says his forehead seems warm and decides to take his temperature. Calvin says he can't be sick. It's summer vacation and there is no school to stay home from. This is his time. He yells that somebody owes him big for this.

ch870729: Hi there, Calvin. I understand you're not feeling well. Me? I'm fine! I just sit around torture chambers in my underwear for kicks. Let's see your degree, you quack! I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to examine you to see what's wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong! I've got Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician, that's what's wrong! Nurse, call the anesthesiologist in here, will you please? My Dad's a lawyer, I'll have you know! Don't come near me!
The doctor is seeing Calvin. He tells Calvin he understands he's not feeling well. Calvin retorts that he's fine. He sits around torture chambers in his underwear for kicks. He asks to see the doctor's degree and calls him a quack. The doctor says he isn't going to hurt Calvin. He just wants to examine him. Calvin says that what's wrong is that he has Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician. The doctor whispers to the nurse to call the anesthesiologist. Calvin tells him his Dad is a lawyer and not to come near him.

ch870730: Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog, the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? You're wasting your time, maggot from mars! I'll never give in! Never, you hear me?! Never! Kid, don't make me recant the Hippocratic oath, ok?
Spaceman Spiff is in a dungeon on the planet Zog. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. The inquisitor says he finally gets to meet the famed Spaceman Spiff. He trusts Spiff is enjoying his visit. Spiff calls him a maggot from Mars and says he'll never give in. Calvin is hiding behind the scale with the doctor on his knees telling Calvin not to make him recant his Hippocratic oath.

ch870731: Well, you certainly were a terror in the doctor's office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. That's why I didn't get a shot. You didn't need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldn't get near enough to stick me. He thinks I'm a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.
As they drive home, Mom tells Calvin he was a terror at the doctor's office. Calvin says he didn't get a shot because he fended the doctor off with a tongue depressor. Mom says he didn't need a shot and that his behavior was inexcusable. Calvin is just glad that the doctor couldn't get close enough to stick him. He says the doctor thinks he's a pink pin cushion in underpants. Mom tells Calvin she hopes he has a kid one day who puts him through the same things he's putting her through. Calvin replies that Grandma says that's what she used to tell Mom.

ch870801: Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business, unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware, that is, until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh!
Calvin is playing on the beach. He builds a proud city, full of prosperous citizens. Calvin says they're unaware the moon has moved a few miles closer to the earth. They're unaware until the tide comes in. A big wave comes in and crashes into the sand city.

ch870802: The fire's not lighting, huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Can't we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals aren't hot enough. But I'm hungry I want to eat now! Well, you'll just have to wait. You know, Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are, it's a beautiful evening. It's nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot, don't you think? Dinner will be over soon, and afterward we'll be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. It's good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonald's then, or what? Yeah, I know you think you are going to be six all of your life.
Calvin wants to cook the hamburgers on the grill, but the coals aren't hot enough yet. Calvin tells Dad he wants to eat now. Dad explains sometimes the anticipation of getting something is sometimes better than when you get it. Dad looks out at the woods and says it's nice to sit looking while the coals get hot. He says dinner will be over soon and they'll be distracted by other things. They have a few moments by themselves to enjoy the evening. He says it's good they have to wait for something every now and then. Calvin looks out, then asks whether he should go to McDonald's or what.

ch870803: (NO TEXT) - cowboy and indian
Calvin is dressed like an Indian, armed with bow and arrow. Hobbes has an arrow hit right next to him. He walks over to Calvin, who shrugs his shoulders innocently. Hobbes sticks Calvin up high on the side of the house with the arrow.

ch870804: What a perfect day! Isn't it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I can't believe there's nothing on TV but repeats.
Calvin tells Hobbes it's a perfect day. He's on summer vacation and can enjoy the day with no school or responsibilities. He and Hobbes sniff the air. Then, Calvin complains there is nothing on TV but repeats.

ch870805: I think a bee landed on my back! Can you see it? I don't want to move. That's not a bee. It isn't? Whew. No, that's a hornet if I ever saw one! Ow!
Calvin stops and says he thinks a bee landed on his back. Calvin asks Hobbes to look, since he doesn't want to move. Hobbes tells him it's not a bee. Calvin wipes his brow as Hobbes says that's a hornet if he ever saw one. Just then, it stings Calvin and he jumps into the air in pain. He then chases Hobbes.

ch870806: If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be? Just three wishes, huh? Hmm. That would be a tough decision. I guess I'd have to think about it a while. Oops! Hang on. Ok. I know what my first wish would be.
As Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill in the wagon, Calvin asks Hobbes what three wishes he would make. Hobbes says that would be a tough decision. He figures he'd have to think about it a little while. The wagon flies off the hill, Calvin and Hobbes flying into the air. Hobbes says he knows what his first wish would be.

ch870807: One of nature's uglier creatures, the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud, high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeak's echo! Changes in the echo's pitch reveal the doomed bug's direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin, sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.
The bat is a marvel of evolution. Producing high-pitched squeaks, the bat can judge an insect's distance and elevation by the delay in the sound's echo. No movement escapes the senses of the bat. Calvin flips some food into his mouth from the restaurant table. His eyes are closed. Dad scolds Calvin to sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized being.

ch870808: Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time, get out of bed! We're going to be late. I'm trying. I'm trying.
Calvin yawns and hops out of bed. The covers reach out and grab him. They pull him back into bed. Mom comes in and tells him to get out of bed. They're going to be late. Calvin says he's trying.

ch870809: That run doesn't count! You didn't touch third base! That's 'cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line, you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isn't fair! You can't run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman, you'd've been out a long time ago! But we don't, do we? Gotcha! You're out! Ok, I'm up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time I'm going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball.
Hobbes hits the ball, and Calvin chases him to tag him out. Hobbes runs off the basepath. He keeps running through the woods. Calvin chases him saying he can't run anywhere he wants. Calvin continues to chase Hobbes and yells that he'd have been out if they had a first baseman. Hobbes replies that they don't and sticks his tongue out at Calvin. Finally, Calvin catches Hobbes and tackles him in a big cloud of dust. Hobbes gets up and says he's still up to bat. He says two-man baseball is a real sport. Calvin says it's a real sport for idiots. He says the next time he'll tag Hobbes out with a bat instead of the ball.

ch870810: Hobbes, did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Won't that be fun? We'll be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. What's wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build my character.
Calvin cheerily tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad are taking them camping. He says they'll live in a tent, go fishing and canoeing. He thinks that will be fun. He goes on to say there'll be no TV, no radio. They'll be living off the land. Then he stops and decides this sounds suspiciously like one of Dad's plots to build his character.

ch870811: Gosh, this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I can't wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesn't Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing.
Calvin is sitting in the back seat of the car. He says it's going to be a fun vacation. He can't wait to get there. There will be a whole week of fishing, swimming, hiking, and canoeing. Mom sits angrily in the front seat saying there will be a week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of coffee. Calvin asks if Mom likes camping. Dad says Mom was up a little too late last night packing.

ch870812: See that island ahead? That's where we're camping! Oh boy! Ahh, this is the life! Fresh air, clean water, lots of exercise, and ... boom! Dear, you're back-paddling. We're turning around and finding a hotel!
As the family rows their canoe, Dad points out the island they'll be camping at. Dad happily tells about the fresh air, clean water and plenty of exercise. BOOM! Rain comes pouring down. Dad tells Mom that she's backpedaling. Mom says they're turning around and finding a hotel.

ch870813: When's this rain going to let up? I don't know, Calvin. Hey, cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. "Always be prepared." You know. These ponchos are super. They're thermal-sealed lightweight nylon, laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah, Dad, it's great that we won't get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide, thongs, tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Let's see, which one of these was it?
Calvin asks when the rain is going to let up. Mom doesn't know. Dad says to cheer up, he's brought storm gear. He talks about how great the ponchos are, what they're made of, and how they'll be protected from the rain. Calvin thinks it's great they won't get any wetter than they already are. Dad is still looking for the storm gear. He finds the duffel bag with sun tanning lotion.

ch870814: I'm glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you can't put on dry clothes. You'd feel a lot better. Hey, wait! No! Don't do that here! Ackpth!
Calvin is glad Dad got the tents set up. He is getting out of his wet clothes. He tells Hobbes it's too bad he can't put on dry clothes. Hobbes arches his back while Calvin yells for him not to do that in the tent. Hobbes shakes the water from his coat, resoaking Calvin.

ch870815: Some trooper you are! What's a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least it's not snowing, right? Right? I mean, say it was snowing so hard we couldn't make a fire. Boy, I love cold canned ravioli.
Dad is standing in the rain when Calvin comes out. Dad says he's a trooper. He asks what's a little rain. Dad says at least it's not snowing. Calvin dejectedly looks at the ground while Dad says "Right?". Dad continues on to say he meant snowing so they couldn't light a fire. Calvin says he loves cold, canned ravioli.

ch870816: Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy, this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course, it's still raining. It's been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! We're going to need a vacation after this vacation. I'll say! We can't even keep a fire going. I can't believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? He's a fanatic! Either that or we're al out of packaged food. We'll probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. If we live to get home, I'm never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish?
Hobbes asks if it's still raining. Calvin tells him it's been raining for days. Hobbes says they'll need a vacation after this vacation. Calvin can't believe Dad went out fishing. Hobbes says he's a fanatic. Calvin thinks it may be because they're out of packaged food. He worries they'll starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. Hobbes says that after all that Spam, starving doesn't sound so bad. Calvin tells him that if he ever gets home, he'll never go outside again. Dad is just pulling the boat onto the shore saying Calvin is lucky because Dad never got to do this stuff when he was a kid. Then he yells to Calvin to see if he wants to learn how to gut a fish.

ch870817: How's the water? Freezing. I'm coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation I've ever been on.
Calvin is swimming in the lake as rain continues to fall. Hobbes is on shore in a raincoat. He asks Calvin how the water is. Calvin tells his it's freezing. He has Hobbes hand him a towel. He wrings it out, then starts to dry himself as the rain continues to fall. As they walk back in the rain, Calvin says this is the dumbest vacation he's ever been on.

ch870818: It has been very buggy week, has it? You're really reaching, Dad.
Calvin and Dad are fishing in the boat as the rain continues to fall. Dad says it hasn't been very buggy this week. Calvin tells him he's really reaching.

ch870819: We're packing up! Yep. I've had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dad's words meant? No, but I wrote some of them down so we can look 'em up when we get home.
Dad is packing up the gear to leave. He says it's been a rotten week, and he's had enough. The rain stops, and the sun shines through the clouds. Dad slaps himself in the forehead. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows what the words Dad said meant. Hobbes doesn't, but he wrote them down so they can look them up when they get home.

ch870820: Well, gang, I'm sorry the weather wasn't any better this week. I know it wasn't always a lot of fun, but we lived through it, and we got ot spend some time together and that's what's really important. Anyway, I hope you're all not too disappointed. Calvin, tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad, Mom says ... All right! All right!
Driving home, Dad says he's sorry the weather wasn't better that week. He knows it wasn't fun, but they lived through it, they got to spend time together, and that's really what counts. He says he hopes they're not too disappointed. Mom says any judge would take this trip as grounds for a divorce.

ch870821: Dad, can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax, Dad. It's just a ball in the gutter, it's not as if I've been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Aren't you glad I'm not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context.
Calvin asks Dad to get the ball down from the gutter again. Dad says this is the third time today. He had told Calvin to play out back. Calvin tells Dad to relax. It's only a ball in the gutter. He hasn't been embezzling money or killing people. Calvin always has to help Dad establish the proper context.

ch870822: C'mon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. What's the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know it's me! Let me up! No. ooh, why you lousy rotten, stinking ... If you call me names, you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: "Tigers are nimble and light on their toes, my respect for tigers continually grows." You're not doing the dance.
Calvin yells up to Hobbes in the tree fort to let down the rope ladder. Hobbes insists Calvin give the rest of the password. Calvin thinks five verses extolling tigers is enough. Hobbes won't do it. Calvin starts calling him names, and Hobbes tells him he'll have to start over with the password if he continues. So Calvin goes through verse six. Hobbes tells him he's not doing the dance.

ch870823: Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum, he breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy, Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering one's mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas, it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin, the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! He's saved! It's a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh, he does, Mom, he does.
Calvin sneezes and flies into the stratosphere. He breaks the pull of earth's gravity and hurls out past the moon. As he passes out of the galaxy, he realizes the importance of covering one's mouth to defect the propulsion. That knowledge comes too late for Calvin, the human satellite. Wait, he feels another sneeze coming so he turns himself around. The second sneeze rockets him back to earth. He's safe. Mom tells Calvin "God bless you". Calvin replies "He does".

ch870824: The end of summer is always hard on me. Trying to cram all the goofing off I've been meaning to do.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying under a tree. Calvin says the end of summer is always hard on him, cramming in all the goofing off he's been meaning to do.

ch870825: How come you're still home? Why aren't you at work? I took the day off. Say, Dad, can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as I'm through with it. Gosh Dad, I'd sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why don't you read the editorials? "New dad wanted. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must, ask for Calvin during normal work hours."
Calvin asks Dad why he's still home. Dad tells him he took the day off. Calvin looks horrified. He asks to see the classified section of the newspaper. Dad tells him he can have it when he's done. Calvin wants to see it right away and asks Dad if he'd rather read the editorials. Dad starts reading an ad. New Dad wanted, frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must. Contact Calvin during normal work hours.

ch870826: I don't wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity.
Calvin yells that he doesn't want to take a bath. He hates taking baths. He runs yelling down the hall. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he yells "no" over and over. He's finally in the tub. He says they can make him do it, but they can't make him do it with dignity.

ch870827: Rats. I can't tell my gum from my silly putty.
Calvin reaches into his pocket and pulls out something sticky. It gets all over his hands. He says he can't tell his gum from his Silly Putty.

ch870828: (NO TEXT) jump rope stumble
Calvin is jumping rope. He goes faster and faster. Hobbes comes up behind him with a stick in his hands. He puts the stick in the way of Calvin's jump rope and he gets all tangled up.

ch870829: I'm never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call "pooty pie". Pooty pie?? Or "Bitsy Pookums." I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. "Bitsy Pookums." I'd say "Yes Snoogy Woogy." She'd reply ...
Calvin tells Hobbes he's never going to get married. Hobbes thinks he would, if the right person came along. Hobbes is looking for someone with green eyes, a nice laugh, and that he can call "pooty pie". Either that or "bitsy pookums". Calvin thinks that would affect his stomach more than his heart.

ch870830: There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. I'm going to run away to Alaska.
Calvin has his dinner on the plate. He stabs it with his fork, makes funny faces at it, sniffs it, tastes it, acts like it's gagging him, takes a drink, shakes his head trying to get the taste out of his mouth. He finally says he tried it, and it almost killed him. Mom and Dad applaud, saying "Bravo" and "Encore". Calvin thinks he should run away to Alaska.

ch870831: Want to go time traveling with me? See, I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman, yes, but you crawl under the transmogrifier, whereas with the time machine, you climb in the top. Ahh.
Calvin wants to know if Hobbes wants to go time traveling with him. He has built a time machine. It's a box with "time machine" written on the side. Hobbes says it looks like his transmogrifier. Calvin says it does "to the inattentive, brainless layman". He points out that you crawl in the bottom of the transmogrifier, whereas you crawl in the top of the time machine.

ch870901: Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well, I suppose if we went into the past, I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is, then! Right. Once I'm rich, I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests!
Hobbes asks whether they're going to the past or the future. Calvin weighs the choices. If he goes to the past, he can ace some history tests at school. If they go to the future, they can swipe something to bring back. They'll claim they invented it and be rich. Off to the future they go. Calvin figures he can hire someone to take his tests when he's rich.

ch870902: OK, Hobbes, our time machine is all set, put on your goggles and we'll be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez, do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! We've got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh, I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If I'm not back in a couple of minutes, you can go without me. Sit down, sissy. I already got your goggles.
Calvin tells Hobbes to put on his goggles, and they'll be ready to go. Hobbes wants to know why he needs goggles. Calvin explains time travel is not like driving down the street. There are vortexes and light speeds to contend with. Anything could go wrong. Of course they need goggles. Hobbes tries to get out by saying his goggles are in the bedroom. He tells Calvin to leave without him if he isn't back in a couple minutes. Calvin tells him to sit down. He has Hobbes' goggles.

ch870903: All ready? I'll just push the button and off we go into the future! Up, up and awaayyy! We're approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?!
Calvin pushes the button and off they go. Up, up and away. They approach light speed. Hobbes has to go to the bathroom. Now? Calvin can't believe it. He tells Hobbes they're in hyperspace. Is Hobbes crazy?

ch870904: What year in the future are we going to land? It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but I'd say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol' earth is still around then. I've grown fond of it. If not, we'll return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash.
Hobbes wonders what year in the future they'll land. Calvin thinks it will be around the turn of the century. Hobbes hopes the earth is still around then, he's gotten attached to it. Calvin says if it isn't, he's going back to the present to see if Dad will give him his college tuition early in cash.

ch870905: Hang on! We're coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum.
They're coming in for a landing. They look around. So this is the future. It looks like they're on a tropical beach. Hobbes pictured more buildings. Calvin guesses they may have landed in an arboretum.

ch870906: You know, some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh, hush we'll find our way home. You don't remember any of this? Nope, we're sure lost this time. If I had known we weren't going to find our way home, I'd have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. We'd better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes, living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! We'll be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey, isn't that our back yard? Why, so it is. I don't care how long you'll be gone, I'm only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles?
Calvin and Hobbes are lost in the woods. If Hobbes had known they'd get lost, he'd have brought a coloring book. Calvin thinks they should forage for shelter. They'll be modern Robinson Crusoes. Hobbes says they can be rugged explorers. Calvin notes they'll be free from the constraints of civilization. Hobbes looks over and notices their back yard. Mom tells Calvin she doesn't care how long he'll be gone, she's only packing one sandwich. Calvin asks if they have any rifles.

ch870907: Let's have a look around I'm sure we'll run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh, I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod, I'd guess. I wonder how you get in? I don't see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color?
Calvin climbs out of his time machine. They're going to look around. They'll probably run into a robot or something. Hobbes picks up something egg-shaped. Calvin thinks it's some type of transportation pod. Hobbes can't figure out how to get in it. Calvin notices there are no numbers or doors on it. As Calvin ponders the peculiar item, Hobbes asks if Calvin has ever seen a tree this color. He's looking at what appears to be a giant leg.

ch870908: I must say, the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured they'd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks, too. I guess there's still pollution. Ever feel as if you're being monitored? ... or that you're about to do a double-take?
Calvin admits the future looks a bit different from what he expected. Hobbes says the breeze is hot and muggy. He thought they'd have figured out a way to control weather by now. Calvin says the air stinks, too. Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever felt like he's being monitored. Hobbes adds "or that you're about to do a double-take". Behind them is the face of a dinosaur looking at them.

ch870909: Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We must've gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Don't get smart, fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think I've got some triple-a map?! Maybe you'd like to steer this time!
They see a huge brachiosaur standing behind them. Off they run to the time machine. Calvin suggests they must have gone backward in time instead of forward. Hobbes asks if it was the dinosaur that tipped him off. They jump into the time machine, and Calvin tells Hobbes to face the other way to they go forward in time instead of backward. Hobbes asks Calvin if the reason they went back in time was because they were facing the wrong way. Calvin shouts back that he doesn't have a Triple-A map. He suggests maybe Hobbes would like to steer.

ch870910: We made it! It's a good thing the time machine didn't stall, or we'd have been eaten by dinosaurs! We're coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? I've had enough time traveling, let's go home. Let's go just a little into the future and see what I'm like as a teen-ager! Let's not, all right?
They're now flying forward in time. Calvin sees they're approaching the present. He asks if Hobbes wants to go forward in time like they planned, or did he want to stop. Hobbes has had enough time traveling. He opts for home. Calvin tries to convince Hobbes to go a little into the future to see what Calvin is like as a teenager. Hobbes doesn't want any part of that.

ch870911: Hi, Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. That's nice. What's it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually, we were trying to go into the future, but we made a mistake. I see, well, I'm glad you made it back. Your mom isn't fazed by much is she? It depends, she didn't take the frogs in the toilet so well, remember?
Mom is gardening when Calvin comes over and tells her he and Hobbes went time traveling to the Jurassic period today. She asks what it was like. Calvin tells her it was scary, and they almost got eaten by a dinosaur. Calvin admits they were trying to go to the future, but made a mistake. Mom is glad he made it back. Hobbes is surprised that didn't faze Mom at all. Calvin reminds him that she didn't take the frogs in the toilet.

ch870912: Dad, look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock! It's not 3 o'clock, your watch stopped. Time doesn't stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there, I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. I'd have bought one.
Calvin runs over to Dad yelling that the sun is setting, and it's only three o'clock. Dad tells him it's not three o'clock, his watch had stopped. Calvin asks if time doesn't stop when your watch stops. Dad tells him no. Dejectedly, Calvin walks off. He thought he'd be able to get rich patenting the thing.

ch870913: Wipe that grin off your face! Well, Hobbes. How do I look? I'm doing my best to bite my tongue. I cut out construction paper feathers and taped them on my arms so I can fly! Pretty neat huh? If paper feathers are all it takes to fly, don't you think we'd have heard about it before? It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things, Hobbes. I'd agree with that. Here's a gorge. This is a good spot. You're going to jump off this ledge? Heck no! I need momentum! I want you to toss me over. You understand I assume no responsibility for this? Heave! I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm uh oh. Don't sell the bike shop Orville. Shuh up and go get me some antiseptic.
Calvin has construction paper feather hanging off him. He tells Hobbes he's going to fly. Hobbes asks Calvin that if paper feathers were all that were needed, wouldn't they have heard about it before now. Calvin tells him it takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. Hobbes agrees with that. They come to a gorge. Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to jump off. Calvin tells him he'll need momentum, so he wants Hobbes to throw him off the edge. Hobbes tells Calvin he assumes no responsibility for this. Calvin isn't worried, he gets the patent. Hobbes heaves Calvin into the air. Calvin yells that he's flying. But down he falls into the gorge. Hobbes yells down for "Orville" not to sell the bike shop. Calvin tells him to shut up and to get him some antiseptic.

ch870914: Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I don't have to put up with this totalitarianism! I'm seceding! Gee, can you secede form your own family? Why not? I never signed up for this group! I wasn't even consulted! The only reason Mom and Dad are my parents is because I was born to them! A biological conspiracy, huh?
Calvin is in his room, which is all messed up. He's complaining to Hobbes that Mom wants him to clean his room. He feels that's the last straw. He decides to secede. Hobbes isn't sure he can do that. Calvin doesn't know why not. He never asked to join the group. He wasn't even consulted. He says the only reason Mom and Dad are his parents is because he was born to them. Hobbes thinks this may be a biological conspiracy.

ch870915: We can live anywhere we want to now that we're seceding from the family! Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? How are we going to get to any of those places? We don't even have a car! Ok Dad, for this amazing trick I'll need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes ...
Calvin says they can live anywhere they want since they're seceding from the family. Calvin wonders where to go, Antarctica, the Sahara. Hobbes reminds him they can't get to those places. They don't have a car. Calvin decides to try a magic act with Dad. All he needs is an American Express card and Dad's eyes to be closed.

ch870916: Hobbes and I are seceding form this family, Mom. Oh really? Yep. We're taking my sled and moving to the Yukon. Well, that's a long way away. I know. Here's a list of sandwiches and supplies we'll need. Why should I do all this if you're seceding from the family? We haven't seceded yet! Geez. What kind of mom are you?
Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes and he are seceding from the family. Calvin says they're taking his sled and moving to the Yukon. Mom says that's a long way away. Calvin knows, that's why he's got a list of supplies and sandwiches he needs from her. Mom asks why she should do any of that if he's seceding from the family. Calvin replies that he hasn't seceded yet. He wonders what kind of Mom she is.

ch870917: Well, I guess we're all packed. Comic books, dart gun, space helmet and toboggan! We're off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh, that's right! Glad you remembered! I'll go get one! Don't we have any road maps of the Yukon, Mom? I doubt it. Ok, here's the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This won't take any time at all!
Calvin finishes packing. They're ready to go. Hobbes asks if Calvin has a map. Calvin looks for one and asks Mom if they have a road map of the Yukon. She doubts it. Finally, Calvin and Hobbes look at a globe. They find the Yukon. Hobbes finds the United States and comments on how close they are. He figures the trip will take no time at all.

ch870918: So long, "Mom"! We're off to the Yukon. It's been nice living here ... but not real nice! Ha ha! Calvin! Wait a minute. Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh. You're going southeast, north is that way. Oh yeah. I knew that.
Calvin says so long to Mom. He says it's been nice living there, but not real nice. They're off to the Yukon. Calvin has his space helmet on and is dragging his sled. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along. Mom yells for Calvin. Calvin stops, saying "leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye". She walks up and tells him they're heading southeast. North is the other way. Calvin says that he knew that.

ch870919: This sled is heavy. I thought we were going to ride it most of the way to the Yukon. We've only been walking 20 minutes, Hobbes. We probably won't get to northern Canada until this afternoon. In that case I'm taking a break. Good idea, want a comic book? Here's Captain Nitro. I want a sandwich. We just have one apiece. We should save 'em in case we can't catch a walrus.
Hobbes complains the sled is heavy. He thought they'd ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Calvin tells Hobbes they've only been walking twenty minutes. He doesn't think they'll get to northern Canada until that afternoon. They decide to take a break. Calvin pulls out Captain Nitro. Hobbes wants a sandwich. Calvin tells him they only have one apiece. He thinks they should save them in case they can't catch a walrus.

ch870920: You only packed two sandwiches for our entire trip to the Yukon? Relax, Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare. Mmff. Whath Thith? Honey n marthmallowth? That one is the other has chocolate syrup. As long as we're taking a break, we might as well record our progress in the log. Journey to the Yukon: Day one. Have traveled for twenty minutes. No snow so far. Food supplies low. Nevertheless, morale is high as we push north. My morale would be a lot higher if you'd carry the toboggan. Me?! I'm the leader of this expedition! I'm forging the path! I think it's my turn to be leader now. You can't be the leader! See I've got the commander hat. That can easily be remedied. Hey! Leggo! This is my helmet! Ow, quit biting! This is mutiny! Give that back. I'm the captain now. I give the commands. First, I decree double rations for all officers to aid their decision making capabilities. Oh, no you don't! that last sandwich is mine.
Since they're taking a break, Calvin decides to record their progress in the log. They've traveled twenty minutes, but no snow yet. Hobbes adds that food supplies are low. Calvin writes morale is high as they push north. Hobbes says his morale would be higher if Calvin carried the toboggan. Calvin says he's the leader of the expedition. Hobbes wants to take a turn as leader. Calvin says he can't, because Calvin has the commander hat. Hobbes tells him he can remedy that. They have a big fight. Hobbes ends up with the helmet. Calvin demands the hat back, but Hobbes says he's the captain now. He makes the commands. He then immediately decrees double rations for officers to aid their decision-making capabilities. Calvin yells the last sandwich is his.

ch870921: I'm not going to be led by you! I'm the rightful captain! You just stole my captain helmet! Let's say you gave it to me under extreme duress. Ooh, if you were littler than me, boy, I'd found you! Ha! Your mom told me you have a weird disease and you're going to get smaller as you grow older! She did not! That's not true! In fact, she's already got a contract from the circus side show. I saw it myself. I'm not listening! I'm not listening! Ohh say can you see ...
Calvin refuses to be led by Hobbes. He accuses Hobbes of having stolen his captain helmet. Hobbes agrees Calvin gave it to him under extreme duress. Calvin says if Hobbes were littler than him, he'd pound Hobbes. Hobbes holds Calvin's head at arm's length and taunts him that Mom said he had a weird disease that would cause him to get smaller as he got older. Calvin yells that isn't true. Hobbes continues to say he's seen a contract from the circus side show Mom has. Calvin covers his ears and says he's not listening. He starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner.

ch870922: If I can't lead the expedition I'm not going at all! You can go to the Yukon yourself. Ha! As captain, I fire you anyway! Good! I'm going home! You don't have a home. You seceded, remember? My life needs a rewind/erase button. ... and a volume control.
Calvin says if he can't lead, he won't go at all. He tells Hobbes to go to the Yukon alone. As captain, Hobbes fires Calvin. Calvin says he's going home. Hobbes reminds him that he seceded from his family. He doesn't have a home. Horrified, Calvin stops. He hits his forehead and says his life needs a rewind/erase button. Hobbes adds that it needs a volume control also.

ch870923: What if Mom and Dad won't take me back because I seceded? What if they tell me I can't rejoin the family? They have to take me back! I'm their stupid kid, right? Right! ... the operative word being stupid.
Calvin heads home wondering what will happen if Mom and Dad don't take him back into the family. He figures they have to take him back since he's their stupid kid. He thinks that's right as he marches on. Then he adds that the operative word is "stupid".

ch870924: Gosh, maybe Mom and Dad sold all my belongings when I seceded. Maybe they rented out my room. Maybe they moved! ... a lot can happen when you are gone all morning! ... Mommmm!!
Calvin ponders whether Mom and Dad sold all his belongings when he seceded. Maybe they rented out his room. Maybe they moved. Calvin starts running home saying lots can happen when you've been gone all morning. He yells for Mom.

ch870925: I'm back, Mom. I changed my mind about seceding I want to be your kid again, ok? You'll always be my kid. I'm glad you're back. Well, Hobbes was being a moron. So I decided I didn't want to live in the Yukon with him. So where is Hobbes now? Isn't he back yet? How could Hobbes get back by himself? You're right that dumb tiger couldn't find his way out of an empty room.
Calvin peeks his head in the door and tells Mom he changed his mind about seceding. He wants to be her kid again. Mom says he'll always be her kid, and that she's glad he's home. Calvin tells her Hobbes was being a moron, so Calvin decided he didn't want to live with him in the Yukon. Mom asks where Hobbes is. Calvin asks if he isn't home. Mom asks how Hobbes could get home on his own. Calvin decides she's right. Hobbes couldn't find his way out of an empty room.

ch870926: Bedtime, Calvin. Where's Hobbes? I suppose he's wherever you left him. You mean he's still in the woods?? It's night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! I'll get a flashlight! We've got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin, it's your bedtime! Don't pull this stunt now!
Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. He asks where Hobbes is. Mom guesses he's wherever Calvin left him. Calvin is worried. It's night out, and Hobbes is in the woods alone. Mom scolds him about leaving his belongings. Calvin scrambles around looking for a flashlight. He's worried about finding Hobbes. Out the door he goes with flashlight on. Mom yells after him that it's bedtime, and he isn't going to pull this stunt now.

ch870927: Hobbes, you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head, where are you?? ... I didn't mean that quite the way the sounded. C'mon Calvin, get back inside it's too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I can't leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well, maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson, huh? I thought he'd come back by himself. I didn't think he'd get lost! We'll look for him tomorrow, now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope he's ok. If he hadn't been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish he'd come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kid's pretty upset. I'll bet. I mean, he's really upset. I said I'll bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ...
Out in the woods, Mom tells Calvin it's too late to look for Hobbes. Calvin is concerned for Hobbes' well-being. Mom tells him he should have thought of that before it got dark. Calvin replies that he thought Hobbes would come home. He didn't think he'd get lost. Mom says they'll look for Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin is sniffling as they enter their home. Calvin says he hopes Hobbes would come back. Mom tells Dad that Calvin is upset. Dad bets so. Mom says Calvin is real upset. Dad reiterates that he bets so. Mom gets right next to Dad and says Calvin is REALLY UPSET. Dad gets it. Out he goes, flashlight in hand, to look for Hobbes. He's grumbling that his Dad wouldn't have done this for him, because he wasn't spoiled like this.

ch870928: No luck? Of course not! How am I going to find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night?! Why can't Calvin keep track of his toys?! I must be crazy to be out here. Hobbes! Oops. Heh heh. I may be crazy, but I'm not as crazy as you.
Mom joins Dad in the woods. She asks if he's had any luck. Dad replies of course not. How would he find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night? Dad complains about Calvin not keeping track of his toys and says he must be crazy to be out in the woods. Mom yells for Hobbes, then realizes she's calling to a stuffed tiger. Dad says that he may be crazy, but he's not as crazy as she is.

ch870929: Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? It's almost midnight. Yeah, I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh, honey, thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. He'd better be, or tomorrow I'll leave him in the woods. C'mon we'll put Hobbes in Calvin's bed so he'll see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night, I'm going to bed.
Dad comes back in around midnight. He has Hobbes in his hand. Dad says he found Hobbes with the toboggan. Mom thanks him and says Calvin will be so happy. Dad says Calvin better be, or tomorrow he'll leave him in the woods. Mom tucks Hobbes into bed with Calvin so he will see him first thing in the morning. Calvin is snuggled into bed, and Mom calls him a little angel. Dad says that's only at night.

ch870930: Hobbes! You're back! I'm so glad to see you! I'm glad to see you, too. Gosh, weren't you scared being out in the woods at night? Heck no, tigers aren't scared of that! I got so bored I hiked back. Mom! Look! Hobbes is back! Yes, your dad found him last night and brought him in. is that soo?! Mm-hmm. Why don't you go thank him right now?
Calvin awakens to find Hobbes. They say how glad they are to see each other. Calvin asks if Hobbes got scared in the woods at night. Hobbes denies that and says he got bored, so he came back. Calvin runs in to show Mom that Hobbes came back. She tells him that Dad found him last night and brought him in. Calvin looks at Hobbes and says "Is that so". Mom says yes and suggests he go thank Dad right now.

ch871001: Hi, Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house, you and I can be the parents, and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh, right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I don't see why you'll play with your dumb ol' tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! You're just mean, that's all! Go play in a microwave, Susie. We're busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice?
Susie comes over with Mr. Bun to play house. She and Calvin can be the parents, Mr. Bun and Hobbes the children. Calvin doesn't like that idea. He tells Susie he's not going to drop his big plans with Hobbes so he can play with a stuffed rabbit. Susie angrily says she doesn't know why he always plays with his tiger and never with her and Mr. Bun. She says he's just mean. Calvin dismisses Susie by telling her to go play in a microwave. Calvin tells Hobbes girls are like slugs. They probably serve a purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

ch871002: Uh oh. It happened again. Calvin wakes up without any recognizable features, save two antennae. How disgusting. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slive. Lacking arms and legs, how will Calvin put on his clothes? Aren't you dressed yet? You are so sluggish in the morning!
Uh, oh. Calvin wakes up without any distinguishing features, except for two antennae. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slime. Without arms or legs, how will he put on his clothes? Mom asks Calvin if he's dressed yet. He's so sluggish in the morning.

ch871003: Where are you going with the toy telephone? Out in the woods, you can come along if you'd like. What are you going to do? Try some bird calls.
Hobbes asks Calvin where he's going with the toy telephone. Calvin tells him he's going out into the woods. Hobbes asks what he's going to do. Calvin replies that he's going to try some bird calls. Hobbes wraps the phone around Calvin.

ch871004: Eep! Ha ha! Right here kid! Help! Help! The leaf pile's got me!! The rake! Gotta get the rake! Forget it kid! You're doomed! Yaahh! Back you arboreal menace! Back! Wham wham! Sinister fiend! You won't be tricking other innocent little kids! I'll spread you across the whole yard! I though you said you were going to rake the yard today. I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoon ... where's Calvin?!
Calvin runs and jumps onto a leaf pile. The leaf pile grabs Calvin and tries to eat him. Calvin reaches out of the pile and grabs the rake. Calvin attacks the arboreal menace and beats on the leaf pile. He tells the sinister fiend it won't be tricking other innocent kids. He spreads the leaves all over the yard. Inside the house, Mom asks Dad if he wasn't going to rake the yard. Dad replies that he did. It took all afternoon. Then, he turns with his eyes bulging and asks where Calvin is.

ch871005: Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No, you're staying home. What, I got the plague?! Why can't I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that?
Mom tells Calvin that she and Dad are going to a movie. Calvin asks if he can come. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not, does he have the plague? Mom says other people like to watch movies without hearing advice being shouted to the characters on the screen. Calvin asks who does that? Is she saying he does that?

ch871006: Mom won't let us go to the movie with them, so I guess we're on our own for tonight. Can we watch TV? What Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them, right? In fact, after they leave let's get in the other car and learn to drive! Oh, boy! I get to beep the horn, ok? Hey, there's a teen-ager coming up the drive. Oh no! it's Rosalyn! Our bab sitter?! What's she doing here? Don't Mom and Dad trust us?? Quick, hide!!
Calvin tells Hobbes that since Mom and Dad are going to the movie, they're on their own. Hobbes asks if they can watch TV. Calvin figures what Mom and Dad don't know won't hurt them. Calvin suggests that after Mom and Dad leave, they get in the other car and learn to drive. Hobbes wants to beep the horn. Hobbes looks out the window and sees a teenager coming up the drive. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified. He can't understand why Mom and Dad wouldn't trust him. He decides to hide.

ch871007: We're leaving now, Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope he's not too much trouble tonight. Don't worry, I brought a cattle prod this time! You're mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny, let's go.
Mom leaves and tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs. Dad hopes he's not too much trouble tonight. Rosalyn tells them not to worry. She brought a cattle prod this time. Calvin starts climbing out the window. Hobbes tells him Mom and Dad laughed, so it might have been a joke. Calvin isn't taking chances. He thinks Mom and Dad may think scorching little kids is fun. He keeps going down.

ch871008: Calvin? Are you in there? C'mon out and we'll make some popcorn. Calvin? Oh brother. I see you Calvin! C'mon back inside. No way lady! If you want us you'll have to catch us! Oh geez ... run! She's wearing cleats! Outta my way! Outta my way!
Rosalyn knocks on the bedroom door. She tells Calvin they can make some popcorn. She looks in and sees the sheets tied together going out the window. She looks out the window and sees Calvin. She yells for him to come back inside. Calvin yells back that if she wants him, she'll have to catch him. Calvin says she's wearing cleats and takes off running with Hobbes.

ch871009: Let's go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. It's my job to watch you and that's what I'm going to do, even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl, mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said I'm not going anywhere. Leggo.
Rosalyn catches Calvin and herds him back to the house. She tells him no more monkey business. She tells him it's her job to watch him, and she's going to do it even if she has to tie him to a chair. She asks if he gets it. Calvin clicks his heels, sticks his arm out in salute, and says "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer". She grabs him by the collar and asks if he'd care to repeat that last comment. He tells her he said he wasn't going anywhere.

ch871010: We're home, Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. That's good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police, sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here!
Mom and Dad get home and ask if Calvin was any trouble. Rosalyn says she sent him to bed a little while ago, but he wasn't much trouble. There's a knock on the door. Dad wonders who it could be at that time. He opens the door to a policeman. He tells them they received a call about two hostages being held at the house. Both Mom and Dad yell up the stairs for Calvin to get downstairs.

ch871011: Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.
Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil.

ch871012: Hi, Dad. I'm repeating everything anyone says. Oh, you are, are you? Oh, you are, are you? Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok, give them to me. Ha ha. Why don't you go bother your mother for a while?
Calvin tells Dad that he's repeating everything anyone says. Dad asks if he is. Calvin mimics Dad. Dad tells him to quit it, that's very annoying. Calvin mimics him. Dad says he forfeits all desserts for the week. Calvin says give them to him. Dad tells Calvin to go bother Mom for a while.

ch871013: Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie.
During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies "Imadoofus". Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight.

ch871014: Let's see what you drew for art class, Susie. Well, a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder it's men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1's nuking New York.
Calvin asks to see what Susie drew for art class. Calvin sees a tidy, domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Calvin accuses girls of thinking small and being preoccupied with petty details. Boys, on the other hand, think about action and accomplishment. Calvin says it's no wonder it's men who change the world. Susie asks what he drew. Calvin proudly shows a squadron of B-1s nuking New York.

ch871015: Mom, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I don't think so, Calvin. It's a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she won't even let us go into the store. I think we'd learn a lot by watching that.
Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained". Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie.

ch871016: Nobody had better be sneaking up on me!! Whump! It's hard to change direction in mid-air. Buddy. I'm going to change a lot more than your direction.
Calvin is playing with a toy truck. He yells that no one better be sneaking up on him. Then, WHUMP! Hobbes lands on Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin it's hard to change direction in mid-air. Calvin threatens that he's going to change a lot more than his direction.

ch871017: Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes it's good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.

ch871018: A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and we'll kill you rather painlessly. Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didn't read the assignment, did you, Calvin?
Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of planet X-13. He looks for an avenue of escape as he's led through the dungeon. He's brought before the Zorg despot. The leader has been waiting for this moment. He tells Spiff he has information they want. If Spiff cooperates, they'll kill him painlessly. Calvin asks the twisted space crustacean what he wants. The reply is "a summary of Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific". Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of him. Miss Wormwood asks if he didn't read his assignment.

ch871019: Hey, Calvin, c'mere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

ch871020: You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point.
Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too.

ch871021: Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot.
Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot.

ch871022: Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a "treat" today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience.

ch871023: Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub!
Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the "teddy bear". Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the "teddy". Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his "teddy". Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a "bear" again.

ch871024: I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book.
As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says "and what lucky moms those other kids have". Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book.

ch871025: I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isn't a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sunday's because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and school's just begun. Gee, I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air, the early evenings, the ... uh ... the ... yes, well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didn't mention fresh applesauce, fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?

ch871026: Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this "skin." I heard it used to be made of intestine, but I think nowadays it's plastic. Of course, they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why I'm so hungry after school. Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies.
In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the "skin" off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school.

ch871027: Hey, Dad, your latest poll just came in. let's see what it says. Be still, my heart. Well, I'll be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck, no wonder! I'm reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed, Dad. Don't you have some homework to do?
Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed.

ch871028: I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure, back up the truck.
Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams.

ch871029: Buurrp! Good heavens, Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and you're history, kiddo. Excuse me.
Calvin launches a huge belch at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin replies "Must be a barge coming through". Mom asks again what he says. Calvin replies "That sure tasted better going down than coming up". Mom warns him about three strikes and being out. Calvin quietly says "Excuse me".

ch871030: With ultra-sonic hearing, Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was, however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky, and ... Are you going, or do you need a push? Don't rush me, all right?!
Stupendous Man hears a cry of distress. He leaps to the edge of the building he's on and prepares to swoop down to the rescue. Stupendous Man didn't realize how high the building was, or that the winds at that altitude were tricky. Calvin sits at the top of the slide. Susie is behind him asking if he's going or needs a push. Calvin yells for her not to push him.

ch871031: Lurch your way to the car, kid. You need a haircut.
Calvin bulges an eye and hunches his shoulder. He's changing into a hairy beast, making snarling noises. He gets larger, with fangs and huge paws. Mom tells Calvin to lurch his way to the car, he needs a haircut.

ch871101: Your dad's working, so try not to bother him, ok? Dad, I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of, no. That's a relief. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If you're having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. I'll give you some suggestions.
Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful.

ch871102: Think it's getting any colder out? Not really. I don't think it's gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well, let's go in.
Calvin and Hobbes are out in the rain. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks it's getting colder. Hobbes says not really. They sit a while longer. Calvin doesn't think it's going to change. Hobbes agrees. The rain continues to pour down. Calvin says they should go in. They were sitting on the sled and toboggan at the top of the hill.

ch871103: Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. It's really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol' George has the gout I see. I said this was hard.
Calvin is counterfeiting money. He says it's really hard because of all the little lines on the bill. Hobbes asks if he thinks anyone will fall for the forgery. Calvin thinks everyone will. Hobbes looks over Calvin's shoulder. He says ol' George has the gout, he sees. Calvin angrily yells that he said it was hard.

ch871104: The giant whale swims toward the surface! It's massive tail pumping furiously, he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin, you'd better not be splashing the floor, you hear me?!
The giant whale swims toward the surface. Pumping his tail, he gains momentum. The giant breaches and crashes back into the surf. Mom yells into the bathroom to Calvin, who's leaping from the full bathtub. She warns him he better not be splashing the floor.

ch871105: I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

ch871106: The deadly tornado makes it's way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one, it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it, I know.
The deadly tornado crosses the community. The updraft is 200 mph. It searches for a trailer park. It finds one and touches down. Debris is blown for miles in the explosion of rushing air. Mom sticks her head into Calvin's bedroom, where there are things lying all over. She asks when he's going to clean his room. It looks like a .... Calvin says "tornado hit it, I know".

ch871107: Oh boy, it's Saturday!! What's going on? Why aren't there any cartoons on TV? It's just a test pattern. The TV guide says they don't start until 6:30. Heck, that's 45 minutes form now! Well, c'mon. I'll race you up and down the stairs! Why can't he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs, will you honey?
Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs.

ch871108: Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!
Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted.

ch871109: Bad news on your campaign to stay dad, Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts. So why the bad news? Who's the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Who's a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!
Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the "bimbo" is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her "pretty funky hairdo, Mom".

ch871110: It's the sad truth, Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If you're going to be dad here, we have to know you've never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Let's flip through it, shall we? Is this you with the keg and the "party naked" t-shirt. Give me that!
Calvin tells Dad it's true. Nobody cares about his positions on fatherhood. They just want to know about his character. They have to know he's never said or done anything that would reflect poorly on his judgment. Calvin has Dad's college yearbook. He flips through it. Calvin shows Dad a picture. He asks if that is Dad with the keg and the "Party Naked" T-shirt. Dad grabs the yearbook away from Calvin, saying "Give me that".

ch871111: Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah, mom's looking into nursing homes.
Calvin is telling Hobbes that Grandpa says comics were a lot funnier years ago when they used to print them bigger. He says comics now are just Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or show action. He says people should write to their newspapers and complain. Hobbes says Grandpa takes his funnies pretty seriously. Calvin says Mom is looking into nursing homes.

ch871112: Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Let's say eighteen.
Calvin tells Hobbes that a TV star made over twenty million dollars last year. He asks Hobbes what he'd do with that much money. Hobbes says he doesn't know. He thinks it's ridiculous anyone makes that kind of money. Calvin says let's say you only made fifteen million. Hobbes goes for eighteen.

ch871113: Hi, Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. What's cooking. Ha ha ha ha. What's with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track.
Calvin walks up to Mom who's washing dishes. He makes a drum sound, asks Mom what's cooking, then starts laughing. Mom asks him what's with him. Calvin tells her he thinks his life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

ch871114: I made up a joke. A man's going for a walk, so he gets his dog and says "heel." ... and the dog looks up and says "it takes one to know one, buster!" ha ha ha. What's the matter with you? Don't you get it? Ahhh, what do tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway? How did the dog learn to talk?
Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he made up. A man is going for a walk. He gets his dog, and the guy says "Heel". The dog looks up and says "It takes one to know one, Buster". Calvin laughs, Hobbes doesn't. Calvin asks if Hobbes gets it. Calvin wonders what tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway. Hobbes wants to know how the dog learned to talk.

ch871115: Go way back. I'm really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy, he can't kick it this far. What're you doing? I'm ten yards from the goal line! Aren't you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before you'd ever get me from back there! What's the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards, or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more.
Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more.

ch871116: Hi, Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax, I wasn't going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt, will you please? Here. Thanks, slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.
Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.

ch871117: I'm home. I read that tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca.
Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca.

ch871118: Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it.
Mom and Calvin are watching a TV show. Calvin complains that the two people are kissing for so long. He makes a face as he talks about them slobbering over each others' faces. He wonders why anyone would do that. Do they like it? Mom carries him up to bed. Calvin says there is a connection there, he just knows it.

ch871119: Quit hogging the bed. You're way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing, spilling, rushing, gushing, splashing. He really fights mean.
Hobbes tells Calvin to quit hogging the bed. Calvin is way over on Hobbes' side. Calvin says tough beans. Hobbes looks angry. He tells Calvin to think about geysers, waterfalls, water flowing, splashing, rushing. Calvin has to head off to the bathroom. He complains that Hobbes really fights mean.

ch871120: Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn't respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn't work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin!
Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying "1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!" The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin.

ch871121: I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that.
Hobbes is lying on his back sleeping. Calvin leaps into the air to pounce on Hobbes. Hobbes wakes up, bears his fangs and claws as Calvin descends. Calvin tries to pull back. He walks off all torn up and says he keeps forgetting that five of Hobbes' six ends are pointy when he lies like that.

ch871122: If you don't hurry up, you'll miss the school bus. That's the best news I've heard today. Let's see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now, boys! Get 'im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok, boys, just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! I'm not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I don't want to hear about it.
Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it.

ch871123: Since September, it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well, gee, now I don't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.
Calvin tells Hobbes that since September, it's gotten colder and colder. He's also noticed there is less daylight. He says that can only mean one thing. The sun is going out! In a few more months, the earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Hobbes doesn't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.

ch871124: Dad says the sun isn't going out. He says it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.

ch871125: Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently, now that the Sun is going out and we're all doomed? No, I've always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you?
Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm.

ch871126: My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isn't going out after all! It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that!
Calvin says his teacher told him the same as Dad did, the sun isn't going out. It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Calvin tells Hobbes to imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that.

ch871127: What's the story you're going to read me, Dad? It doesn't have any romance in it, does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesn't have a moral, does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral, too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white?
Dad is getting set to read Calvin a bedtime story. Calvin asks if it has romance in it. He tells Dad to edit any romance out. He asks if there is any boring description. He tells Dad to skip it if he sees any. He likes his stories fast and gripping. He asks about a moral. He doesn't like to be told how to live his life. He tells Dad to skip the moral, too. Dad asks if his majesty prefers color pictures, or black and white.

ch871128: The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! It's caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips it's hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already?
The mighty destroyer patrols the seas. Suddenly, the ship spins out of control. It's caught in a whirlpool. The vessel dips its hull into the vortex and isn't seen again. Calvin grabs another toy ship on the bathtub and says "Here goes the rest of the Navy". Mom yells in asking if he's letting the water out already.

ch871129: Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.
Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal.

ch871130: I'm going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and I'll escape! Tie the knots tighter, don't make it so easy for me. Tie my feet, too. All right, let's see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin, dinner time! Should I tell her you're tied up at the moment, ha ha? I'll be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time, gosh. I can't even move.
Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move.

ch871201: Your dinner's getting cold, Calvin! I'll be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! don't touch those ropes! I want to escape! It's easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots, no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing you're doing this here before you tried it under water.
Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water.

ch871202: Mmf! Gggk! It's no use. You'd better untie me I can't escape. Let's see, this end goes in here, and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! That's tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin, this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! I'll get your cub scout manual. I don't believe this.
Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual.

ch871203: I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff, but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots, all right? Hey, look, here's a motto! I didn't know you had a motto! Wow, what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you don't get me out of this. I'll quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Don't flip through the book, you idiot! Untie me! Hmph, if I was in your predicament, I'd treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say you're sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking.
Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him "Live for revenge" is going to be his motto if Hobbes doesn't get him out of there. Hobbes gives Calvin a quiz on what to do for a second-degree burn. Calvin yells for him not to flip through the book, but to untie him. Hobbes is indignant. He thinks someone in Calvin's predicament should treat him with more respect.

ch871204: Hobbes, I'm not kidding. If you don't get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this, Mr Houdini, not me. But I'm supposed to be at dinner! Mom's gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey, here's morse code! Ok, I'm sorry I called you names. I said I'm sorry, right? Now untie me. Here's how you say "banana" in morse. Dash dot dot dot, dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well, his dinner is stone cold. I hope he's happy.
Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds "Mr. Houdini" he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say "banana" in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy.

ch871205: All right, young man! You've wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up, Dad! It's his fault. Don't make up lies, Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Who'd pay for you, you big fibber?! I'm certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh, hush. You always get me in trouble.
Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?

ch871206: First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? He's creating whole worlds over there! I'll be he grows up to be an architect.
Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect.

ch871207: What's for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can't we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ...
Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is.

ch871208: Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh, no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. I'm to smart for them though! I don't read my assignments!
Susie tells Calvin they have a substitute teacher today. Horrified, Calvin says that must mean their real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors. Calvin warns that they are trying to subvert little kids with subliminal messages in the textbooks that tell them to turn in their parents when the Saturnians attack. The earth will be rendered helpless. Susie thinks one of them has been eating too much paste in art class. Calvin proudly says he's too smart for them. He doesn't read his assignments.

ch871209: Behold the terrible thunder lizard, Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all, he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor, he lets out a triumphant roar!
Behold the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The fiercest dinosaur is twenty tons of bone-crushing muscle and razor-sharp teeth. He lets out a triumphant roar. Calvin is kicked out of the library.

ch871210: I juth hade it whed thith happedth.
Calvin gets ready for a big sneeze. Just before it happens, it stops. Calvin gets an odd look on his face. He says "I juth hade it whed thith happedth".

ch871211: Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows, he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh, nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day.
Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day.

ch871212: How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh, yeah, the movie. Yeah, there was a movie, it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player.
Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player.

ch871213: That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory.
Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory.

ch871214: Open your moth and close your eyes, and you'll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! You're peeking! What's the matter? Don't you trust your own kid?! C'mon, close your eyes! Uh oh, hang on, he got away.
Calvin goes up to Dad with his hands clasped. He tells Dad to open his mouth, and close his eyes. He's going to get a big surprise. Dad opens his mouth, but peeks. Calvin notices and accuses Dad of not trusting his own kid. Calvin looks in his hands and tells Dad to hang on. Whatever he had in his hand got away.

ch871215: Anything yet? Not one snowflake.
Calvin dances back and forth. He asks Hobbes whether there is anything yet. Hobbes looks out the window and tells him there isn't one snowflake.

ch871216: Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience, I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully, and include them with the rest of my loot this year. That's the problem with this guy. He's gotten sloppy without any competition.
Calvin is writing to Santa Claus. He tells Santa he didn't get several things from his list last year. For Santa's convenience, Calvin has grouped those items together on page 12. Calvin asks Santa to please check them carefully and include them with the rest of this year's loot. While Hobbes reads the note, Calvin tells him that Santa's gotten sloppy without competition.

ch871217: He sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook?
Calvin listens to the radio as it plays "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Calvin turns the radio and offers the thought that Santa is either a kindly, old elf or a CIA spook.

ch871218: This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don't you think? You're worried about the salamander incident, aren't you? Temporary insanity! That's all it was!
Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa thing bothers him, especially the judge and jury bit. Calvin wants assurances Santa is impartial. He wonders what criteria Santa uses to determine good and bad. He asks about extenuating circumstances. He suggests kids should have legal counsel. Hobbes asks if he's worried about the salamander incident. Calvin quickly cries that was temporary insanity.

ch871219: They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants.
Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case.

ch871220: Can we get this tree, Mom? Can we? I don't know Calvin. It's awfully expensive. Yeah, but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! It's a great one! This year I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. We're not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks, on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year.
Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year.

ch871221: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isn't this a religious holiday? Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.
Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa Claus thing makes no sense. Calvin doesn't get the mystery, the secrecy. If Santa exists, why doesn't he show himself and prove it. If Santa doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this. Hobbes doesn't know, but asks if this isn't a religious holiday. Calvin admits it is, but he says he has the same questions about God.

ch871222: Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults!
Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a "bad" list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the "bad" list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the "bad" list...insults.

ch871223: Well, I've decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck, I'll believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. It's the spirit of Christmas.
Calvin decides to believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. Hobbes asks what convinced him. Calvin replies that it was a simple risk analysis. Calvin wants lots of presents. Calvin thinks it he shouldn't risk getting them over a matter of belief. He'll believe whatever they want. Hobbes comments on how cynically enterprising that is of Calvin. Calvin says "It's the spirit of Christmas".

ch871224: Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I haven't heard Santa yet, have you? Do you think he's coming? It's only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp, did you hear that? It's him! It's Santa! Shh! He's saying something! Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!
Calvin whispers to Hobbes in bed asking if he's awake. Hobbes is. Calvin hasn't heard Santa yet. He wonders if he's coming. Hobbes notes it's only 11:00. They may be later in the route. They hear a thump. Hobbes says it's Santa. He tells Calvin Santa is saying something. Dad is jumping around holding his foot, cussing in his pain. Mom tells him to be quiet or Calvin will hear him.

ch871225: We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh, no it's not morning already? Well, technically yes ...
Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was.

ch871226: Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here.
Calvin hears Mom yell that it's bath time. She yells for them to just get it over with. She looks for Calvin. Calvin lies on the bottom of the bathtub, saying she'll never look there.

ch871227: Here's a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story I'm writing. You can draw something besides tigers, can't you? Sure. Leopards, pumas, ocelots ... you name it. Here dad, read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um, ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barney's dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your peas!" Barney shouted "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone. 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it, I get it!
Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is "The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid". It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said "Eat your peas". Barney said "No" and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it.

ch871228: What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well?
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the true meaning of happiness. Calvin asks if it's money, cars, and women. Or is it just money and cars? Hobbes walks away.

ch871229: Look at this! You call this snow?! It's not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well, it's pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness.
Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments "Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness".

ch871230: This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. We'll pour water on it, so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Where's that kid?!
Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells "Where's that kid?!".

ch871231: This snow fort can repel any attack! I hate this neighborhood.
From behind his snow fort, Calvin declares the fort can repel any attack. He ducks down, then stands up and leans on the fort. No one is attacking. He puts his hand on the side of his head and laments that he hates this neighborhood.

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995